REHABILITATION SERVICES

PATIENT EDUCATION MANUAL

INTERPERSONAL
EFFECTIVENESS
SKILLS

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA SAN FRANCISCO

Langley Porter Psychiatric Hospital & Clinics
 THE GOALS OF
INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS SKILLS

The ideas presented in this manual can introduce you to the

skills that will help you to maintain or improve interpersonal
relationships while maintaining your self-respect.

GOALS INCLUDE

Learning to be clear about your goals when

interacting with others

Learning how to ask for what you want

Learning how to say “no”

Learning how to resolve conflict

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 THERE ARE THREE KINDS OF
INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS
Be clear with yourself in identifying your priorities in interpersonal
relationships. Which of these goals are important to you?

I. OBJECTIVES EFFECTIVENESS
Basic Questions:
What specific result do I want from this interaction?
What do I have to do to get results?
What will work?
Basic Goals:
 Obtaining your legitimate rights
 Getting another to do something
 Resolving interpersonal conflict
 Getting your opinion taken seriously

II. RELATIONSHIP EFFECTIVENESS

Basic Questions:
How do I want the other person to feel about me after the
interaction is over?
What do I have to do to get or keep this relationship?
Basic Goals:
 Acting in such a way that the other person keeps liking and respecting you
 Balancing immediate goals with the good of the long-term relationship

III. SELF-RESPECT EFFECTIVENESS

Basic Questions:
How do I want to feel after the interaction is over?
What do I have to do to feel that way about myself? What will work?
Basic Goals:
 Respecting your own values and beliefs, acting in a way that makes you
feel moral or ethical
 Acting in a way that makes you feel capable and effective

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 EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Here are the four most typical styles of communication.

On the next few pages, you’ll find good descriptions of

these communication styles, followed up by some useful
worksheets.

The most effective style that gets the best results is

ASSERTIVE communication (see pg. 10).

ASSERTIVE AGGRESSIVE

“I count” “I count”
“You count” “You don’t count”

PASSIVE- PASSIVE
AGGRESSIVE
“I count” “I don’t count”
“You don’t count…but “You count”
I’m not going to tell
you this”

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 AGGRESSIVE

“I count”
“You don’t count”

Aggressive Communication

 Thoughts, feelings and wishes are communicated at the

expense of others’ rights and feelings.

 Use of sarcasm, blame, judgment and putdowns.

 Use of absolute terms like “always” and “never”.

 Voice may be loud, shrill, yelling.

 Posture is typically rigid, feet planted apart, hands on

hips, jaw clenched. Finger pointing.

 Being right is most important.

 Listening to others seldom occurs.

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 PASSIVE

“I don’t count”
“You count”

Passive Communication
 Thoughts, feelings and wishes are not expressed directly.

 Non-verbal, passive communication may include frowning,

crying or mumbling.

 More listening than speaking.

 Use of disclaimers and apologies such as “I’m no expert, but…”

or “I’m sorry to have to ask you this…”

 Voice is soft, weak, wavering.

 Posture is slouched, leaning on something for support.

 Eye contact is usually indirect, down or away from the person.

 Because you are often not saying what you mean, you don’t
look like you mean what you say.

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 PASSIVE-
AGGRESSIVE

“I count”
“You don’t count…but I’m not
going to tell you this”

Passive-Aggressive Communication

 Thoughts, feelings and wishes are expressed indirectly or

not expressed at all, and this results in the putdown of
others.

 Verbal response is often different than behavior, i.e.

what is said is not what is done, in fact is often the
opposite of what is done.

 Examples include frequent lateness or “forgetting”

commitments made to others.

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 A S S E R T IV E

“I count”
“You count”

Assertive Communication
 Thoughts, wishes and feelings are expressed directly
while considering rights and feelings of others.

 Active listening.

 Open to negotiation and compromise while rights and

dignity are maintained.

 Voice is relaxed, well-modulated and firm.

 Posture is balanced and erect.

 Good eye contact is maintained.

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 PRACTICING “I” STATEMENTS
An important part of ASSERTIVE communication

When you’re angry, it’s easy to blame someone or something for your
problems. Getting comfortable using “I” statements can help you learn
to take responsibility for your feelings. Fill in the statements below to
practice talking in terms of yourself and your feelings.

ANGRY
I feel _________________________________
YOU ARE LATE GETTING
GETTING HOME FOR DINNER
when __________________________________.
TO KNOW IF YOU’RE
Next time, I would like ____________________
GOING TO BE LATE. PLEASE TRY TO CALL.
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

I feel _________________________________
when __________________________________.
Next time, I would like ____________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

I feel _________________________________
when __________________________________.
Next time, I would like ____________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________

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 Another Assertiveness Worksheet
Think about a situation in which
you would like to respond assertively.

DESCRIBE: Describe the current situation.

What’s going on?
Tell the person exactly what’s upsetting you.
STICK TO THE FACTS.
(Write a description here)
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

EXPRESS: Express your FEELINGS AND OPINIONS about what’s going on.
Don’t assume people know. Use phrases like “I want” and ”I don’t want” instead
of ”YOU should” or “I can’t”.
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

ASSERT: Assert yourself. Ask for what you want or say NO clearly. Don’t
assume other people can read your mind or know how hard it is for you to ask
directly for what you want.
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

REINFORCE: Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time by explaining

consequences. Tell the person what will happen, the effects, if you get/don’t get
what you’re asking.
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

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TRY THE “SERGEANT FRIDAY” APPROACH
If you are not in touch with your needs
and feelings, chances are you won’t be
very skillful in getting your needs met.

Write down a situation with another

person that is stressful for you:

1. Write your observation of what is happening

now. These are Sergeant Friday “just the
facts, Ma’am” descriptions without evaluating,
moralizing, analyzing, judging or blaming.

2. What I am feeling and what I guess the other person is feeling?

3. What it is I think I need and what it is I think the other person needs?

4.Write down concise, specific concrete, doable, requests of the other person to
meet those needs. A five year old should be able to tell if the request was
granted. You can’t ask that ______ love you, but you can ask for a kiss or a
cherry pie. State requests positively, what you want them to do, not what you
want them to avoid doing.

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 “HOW SKILLS” FOR ASSERTIVENESS
Remember these basic points about how to show assertiveness

MINDFUL: Keep focused on your objectives. What do you want in this situation?
Stand your ground. Don’t be distracted. How to “STAND MY GROUND”:
 Be a BROKEN RECORD, keep asking or saying NO or expressing
your opinion over and over and over and over…
 If the other person tries to change the subject or
attacks...IGNORE...don’t respond to the attacks. Ignore
distractions. Just keep making your point!!!

APPEAR CONFIDENT: No stammering, whispering, staring at floor saying “I’m sorry” or

“I’m not sure”. Pretend you are a confident person. Fake it ‘til you make it.

NEGOTIATE: Be willing to give to get. Maintain no, but offer to do something else or
solve the problem another way…Focus on what will work.

How do I do that?

Turn the problem over to the other person. “What do you think we should do?” or “How
can we solve this problem?”

ASSERTIVE BILL OF RIGHTS

• To set priorities
• To ask for what I want
• To get what I pay for
• To ask information from
other professionals
• To make mistakes
• To change my mind
• To be treated with respect
• To be illogical
• To express my feelings and
• “I count and you count”
opinions
• To be listened to and taken
seriously

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 -

Write your name in the center circle,

then fill in the names of people in your life to whom you can turn to for
support. Also note what kind of support or help you can reasonably expect from
each person. Be aware of the limits of support that each person may be able to
offer.

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 RESOURCE LIST FOR ADDITIONAL READINGS
This manual is part of a series discussing Mindfulness Skills, Distress Tolerance Skills,
Emotion Regulation Skills and Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills. If you would like
additional reading materials or resources related to the skills discussed in these manuals,
we would like to direct you to the following:

Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life: How Dialectical Behavior Therapy Can Put You in
Control by Scott E. Spradlin, MA, New Harbinger Publications, 2003.

The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, M.D., Penguin Books, 1999.

Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and
Illness by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D., Dell Publishing, 1990.

Guided Meditations, Explorations and Healings by Stephen Levine, Doubleday, 1991.

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie, Hazeldon Foundation Meditation Series, 1990.

Practicing the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, publisher New World Library,
(www.newworldlibrary.com), 1999.

The Relaxation & Stress Reduction Workbook by Martha Davis, Ph.D., New Harbinger Publications,
2000.

The Spirituality of Imperfection by Ernest Kurtz, Ph.D., Bantam Books, 1994.

Turning Suffering Inside Out:A Zen Approach to Living with Physical and Emotional Pain by
Darlene Cohen, Shambhala Publications, 2000.

Women, Anger & Depression: Strategies for Self Empowerment by Lois P. Frankel, Ph.D., Health
Communications, Inc., 1992.

TAPES AND CDs

Guided Mindfulness Meditation by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Stress Reduction CDs and Tapes, P.O. Box 547,
Lexington, MA 02420 or www.mindfulnesstapes.com

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Many of the materials discussed in these manuals are based on the works of Marsha M. Linehan, Ph.
D. as presented in her books Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder
and Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder. Both are available
through the Guilford Press, 1993.

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