04:02 03/01/2024 9 Simple Ways to Destroy Your Enemy Without Fighting - wikiHow

How to Destroy Your Enemy Without

Fighting
Co-authored by Cameron Gibson, R.C.C. and Megaera Lorenz, PhD
Last Updated: March 2, 2023

Having an enemy can be infuriating. When there’s a not-so-special someone in your life
who knows exactly how to push all your hot buttons, you might be tempted look for ways to
fight back or get revenge. But the best way to defeat them is to be the bigger person—and
not give them the satisfaction of getting to you. In this article, we’ll talk you through a few of
the best ways to deal with your enemy without stooping to their level.

1
Stay calm.

Don’t let your enemy see you upset. The main thing a bully wants is to get a
reaction from their target. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Next time your enemy
starts trying to push your buttons, take a few deep breaths, count to 10
backwards, or do whatever it takes to help you find your peaceful place.[1] [2]
It’s totally natural to get angry or upset when someone is mistreating you. The
trick is not to show it. If you feel like you’re about to lose your cool, calmly
excuse yourself or just walk away, then let your feelings out when they’re not
around to see it.
If you’re dealing with a rival in a work or business setting, keep your cool and
stay professional. Ultimately, you’ll come out looking (and feeling) a lot better
than they will.
Staying calm and cool lets the bully know that they have no power over you.
[3]

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2
Tell them to back off.

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But do it in a civil, unemotional way. You probably grew up hearing that you
should ignore bullies. But looking the other way when someone is mistreating you
seldom works—instead, it just gives them the idea that it’s okay to keep acting
that way.[4] Instead, confront them about their behavior and calmly tell them that
you won’t stand for it.[5]
In his famous treatise The Art of War, the ancient Chinese general Sun Tzu
said, “When I wish to avoid battle, I may defend myself simply by drawing a
line on the ground.”[6] Keep it simple and let your enemy know where your
boundaries are. Say something like, “That’s not acceptable,” or “Don’t talk to
me that way.”
Avoid using emotional language or saying anything that makes them feel like
they’ve gotten the reaction they’re looking for. For instance, don’t say
something like, “You’re ruining my life,” or “You make me so angry!”
If they’re lying about you to someone else, calmly correct them and back it up
with evidence. For instance, if a coworker tries to pin the blame on you for a
project falling apart, say something like, “Actually, that’s not true. I filed my
forms on time. Here’s my email with the timestamps on it.”

3
Look them in the eye.

This sneaky psychological tactic can be very disarming. Next time your
enemy tries to push you around, do your best to make and hold eye contact. It
makes you look more confident, which might be enough to throw them off their
stride. Plus, they’ll be forced to really see you—and maybe think twice about
being so unkind.[7]
Looking them in the eyes and laughing or smiling can be especially effective.
If they’re trying to get you upset, that’s not the reaction they’ll be expecting!

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4
Team up with some trusted allies.

Dealing with an enemy alone can be really difficult. As Sun Tzu famously
pointed out, you’re much more likely to defeat an opponent if you outnumber
them.[8] Talk to some other people you trust about what’s going on, whether
they’re family members, friends, or people in your professional support network. If

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your enemy sees that you have a bunch of other people in your corner, they’re
more likely to back down and leave you alone.[9]
For example, if someone’s being nasty to you at school or work, see if you
can band together with other people who’ve had trouble with the same
person. You could confront them as a group or go together to report their
behavior to someone in charge.[10]
If your enemy is a bully, they’ll want you to feel powerless and isolated.
Teaming up with others is a great way to undermine that goal![11]

5
Document and report any bullying.

Don’t let them get away with abusive behavior. If you can prove that your rival
has been harassing, bullying, or lying about you, use that against them. Next time
they try to pull something, write it down. If they harass you over text or email,
keep a copy or snag a screenshot. If there are witnesses, even better! Ask them
to back you up. If possible, report their behavior to somebody who can do
something about it—and show them the evidence.[12] [13]
For example, if you’re dealing with a workplace bully, document their behavior
and report it to your boss or HR. At school, you can go to your teacher or the
principal.
If you think your enemy is doing something illegal or unethical, report them to
the appropriate authorities, whether that’s the police, their supervisor, or a
professional organization they belong to. But don’t do this lightly! Be ready to
show evidence to back up your accusations.

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6
Avoid engaging when they attack.

Sometimes, all you have to do is sit back and wait. Is your enemy posting
nasty things about you online? Are they being unprofessional, picking fights, or
constantly breaking the rules? If so, let their actions speak for themselves instead
of trying to directly respond or engage. There’s a good chance that they’ll
eventually face the natural consequences of their actions.[14]
For example, if an angry ex is saying nasty things about you on Facebook,
don’t respond directly to their posts. Just quietly block them (and unfriend

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them, if you haven’t already). If you have to, you can always address anything
false that they said about you in your own post.
Stepping away from the situation can also give you a chance to calm down
and think of the best approach to take. If you try to react to their behavior
while you’re still upset, it could just end up making things worse.
Of course, if they’re doing something overtly harmful, such as threatening or
hurting you or someone else, it’s a good idea to report their behavior. But try
not to engage with them directly.

7
Build yourself up instead of bringing them down.

Disappoint them by being the bigger person. When you lash out at your
enemies, it shows that they’ve gotten to you—which means they’ve won. On the
other hand, a true enemy will hate to see you happy and successful, which means
that living your best life is the best way to defeat them![15] A few ways you can do
this include:
Focusing on self-care. Do things that you find enjoyable, relaxing, and
fulfilling.
Spending more time with friends and other people who lift you up instead of
bringing you down.
Making a list of your strengths and positive qualities.
Repeating an empowering mantra to yourself (e.g., “I am fierce. I am powerful.
I am unstoppable.”).

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8
Look for the positive side of the situation.

Sometimes an attitude adjustment is the best defense. Try looking at your

hater from a new perspective. For example, is this someone you really want on
your side? If not, try to take some satisfaction in knowing that they consider you
an enemy—and use their hate to fuel your own success.[16]
Maybe they’re always trying to undermine your confidence by telling you that
you can’t succeed at something. Turn that around on them by working even
harder to achieve your goal. Your victory will be extra sweet!
You can also look at their behavior as a learning opportunity. For instance, if
they’re always picking on other people, use that as a guide for now not to
behave.
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9
Determine if they’re really your enemy.

Be careful about making assumptions. Stop and tell yourself why you think of
this person as your enemy. Do you really know what’s motivating them to behave
the way they do? If you’re not sure, avoid making guesses or trying to get inside
their head. It’s possible that they don’t even realize what kind of effect their
behavior is having on you. Ask yourself things like:[17]
If they criticize me, is the criticism constructive or destructive?
Do they apologize or try to change their behavior when I tell them I don’t like
what they’re doing, or do they minimize my feelings and continue doing it?
Are they actively doing anything to try to harm me, or do they just seem to
dislike me?
Remember, someone who’s not your friend or who doesn’t agree with you
isn’t necessarily an enemy! It’s okay for people to disagree or dislike each
other—it only becomes a problem if they’re actually trying to hurt you in some
way.

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Expert Q&A

Question

Why do people bully?

Cameron Gibson, R.C.C.

Registered Clinical Counsellor & Program Director
Expert Answer

Bullying is all about power dynamics and is typically based on insecurity. Bullies
try to destabilize others because they feel uncomfortable in their own skin, and
they want to make other people feel uncomfortable, too.

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04:02 03/01/2024 9 Simple Ways to Destroy Your Enemy Without Fighting - wikiHow

Question

Why do people bully fat people?

NV
Community Answer

That's because bullies are dumb and lack self-awareness. They forget that their
words are a reflection of their insecurities and how they see themselves.

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Tips

Sun Tzu said that “He who is well prepared and lies in wait for an enemy who is
not well prepared will be victorious.”[18] Don’t start arguments or pick fights with
your enemy. If you prepare to defend yourself and wait for them to make the first
move, then you’ll be in a much stronger position!

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References

1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201702/6-smarter-ways-deal-
bully
2. Cameron Gibson, R.C.C.. Registered Clinical Counsellor & Program Director.
Expert Interview. 10 February 2021.
3. Cameron Gibson, R.C.C.. Registered Clinical Counsellor & Program Director.
Expert Interview. 10 February 2021.
4. https://www.cbsnews.com/news/why-you-should-stop-ignoring-that-bully/
5. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201702/6-smarter-ways-deal-
bully
6. https://ccnmtl.columbia.edu/services/dropoff/china_civ_temp/week05/pdfs/artofwar
.pdf
7. https://www.cnn.com/2019/09/20/health/adult-bully-survivor-tips-
wellness/index.html
8. https://ccnmtl.columbia.edu/services/dropoff/china_civ_temp/week05/pdfs/artofwar
.pdf
9. https://www.cnn.com/2019/09/20/health/adult-bully-survivor-tips-
wellness/index.html
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04:02 03/01/2024 9 Simple Ways to Destroy Your Enemy Without Fighting - wikiHow

10. Cameron Gibson, R.C.C.. Registered Clinical Counsellor & Program Director.
Expert Interview. 10 February 2021.
11. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201702/6-smarter-ways-deal-
bully
12. https://www.cnn.com/2019/09/20/health/adult-bully-survivor-tips-
wellness/index.html
13. Cameron Gibson, R.C.C.. Registered Clinical Counsellor & Program Director.
Expert Interview. 10 February 2021.
14. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201702/6-smarter-ways-deal-
bully
15. https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/308567
16. https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/308567
17. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-urban-scientist/201003/how-spot-
friends-enemies-frenemies-and-bullies
18. https://ccnmtl.columbia.edu/services/dropoff/china_civ_temp/week05/pdfs/artofwar
.pdf
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