CONTENTS

PR E FAC E
Preface i

T
How to Be Free from Bitterness 1
he first part of this book on getting rid of bitterness
Forgiving Others 11
and forgiving others has been presented many times
Man’s Anger 17 over the last forty years at many retreats and Bible
Fits of Rage 20 conferences. Thousands of the taped messages and audio
downloads have been distributed in the U.S. and abroad.
Taking Offense 23
Chris LaMoreaux transcribed one of those tapes, and, after
Bridling the Tongue 25
much editing, we printed 1,000 copies of it as a book. Since
Introspection 27 that time, more than 200,000 copies of How to Be Free from
How to Receive Bitterness 30 Bitterness have been sold or given away.
Heather Wilson Torosyan is our daughter, the wife of
Relationships with Parents 34
Ararat Torosyan and mother of Yeran, Masis, and Sevan.
Saturation Love 39
She was a Christian worker in Egypt for eight months and
How Does a Woman Become Secure? 43 in Turkey for about five years. Chris Vlachos ran His Place,
The Responsible Man 45 our bookstore in Provo, Utah. His primary ministry is teach-
ing at Salt Lake Seminary. We would like to thank Marjorie
Q & A on Becoming a Christian 48
Dykema for her work in developing study guide questions for
The Gospel 56
each article.
Afterword 57 If you wish to order more copies, you can do so at
www.ccmbooks.org/bookstore or by contacting CCM:
Co-published by
Community Christian Ministries
Community Christian Ministries | ccmbooks.org
P. O. Box 9754, Moscow ID 83843 | 208.883.0997
P. O. Box 9754, Moscow ID 83843-0180
Canon Press | canonpress.com
Phone/Fax: 208.883.0997 | E-mail: [email protected]
P. O. Box 8729, Moscow ID 83843 | 800.488.2034 1-99 copies: $2.00 each | 100 or more: $1.50 each
Jim Wilson, How to Be Free from Bitterness, Copyright
© 1995, 1999, 2003, 2004, 2017 by James I. Wilson How to Be Free from Bitterness is also available as a bound
Study Questions and Next Steps in How to Be Free from book and an audiobook from Canon Press (800.488.2034 or
Bitterness Copyright © 2003, 2004, 2017 by Marjorie
Dykema canonpress.com).
First Edition 1995. Second CCM Edition 2007 This publication has been translated into the following lan-
Cover illustration by Forrest Dickison. Interior layout by guages: Afrikaans, Armenian, Albanian, Chinese-simplified,
Valerie Anne Bost. Author photo by Mark LaMoreaux,
lamoreauxphoto.com.
Chinese-traditional, Dutch, French (forthcoming), Japanese,
Scripture quotations are from the the Holy Bible, Korean, Polish, Portuguese, Russian, Scots Gaelic, Spanish,
New International Version®, n i v ® Copyright Swahili, Tagalog, Telegu, and Urdu.
© 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by
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All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be language, please contact Community Christian Ministries.
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of the author, except as provided by USA copyright law.

17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

i HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BITTERNESS
Jim Wilson

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children, and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us
and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Eph. 4:31–5:2)

I
n our text, we are instructed to get rid of all bit- There are many people like this today. Not only
terness. Before we begin discussing how and are they bitter; they enjoy being bitter. They some-
why this must be done, it is crucial to realize how like it, and they feed on it. They wouldn’t
that the basis for all our actions in this regard must know what to do if they got rid of it; they wouldn’t
be what Jesus Christ has done for us on the cross. have a purpose for living. They like being bitter.
In all our actions, we are to be imitators of God. We know people like that in the world, and we
In the Old Testament, there was a woman whose know people like that in the church. It is easy to
name meant Pleasant. Her name was Naomi, and recognize when someone is bitter. You can see it
she had moved from Israel to another land with her in the eyes and in the lines of the face—even if the
husband and sons. But her husband had died, and person is young. You can see it in their mouth; you
within the next ten years both of her sons died. can see it when they’re smiling or laughing. You
She made some comments to her recently can hear it in the tone of their voice. You can hear
widowed daughters-in-law about it. Ruth 1:13b: it when they protest that they are not bitter. The
“It is more bitter for me than for you, because the bitterness is central, and it pervades everything.
Lord’s hand has gone out against me!” She was There are bitter people in the Bible besides
comparing in order to determine who had the Naomi. In fact, there are quite a few. For example,
right to be more bitter. Jonah was a bitter man. The Lord said to him, “Do
In Ruth 1:20–21: “Don’t call me Naomi,” she you have a right to be angry about the vine?”
told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty “I do,” he said. “I am angry enough to die”
has made my life very bitter. I went away full, (Jonah 4:9).
but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why He thought he had a right to his anger. I like be-
call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the ing angry. God, you are wrong to forgive people. I
Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.” don’t want you to forgive people.
Her bitterness was toward God. It was God who People enjoy holding things against other peo-
had taken away her husband; it was God who had ple. But our text requires us to remove all bitter-
taken away her sons, and she held it against Him. ness and to maintain a tender heart.
Five times in these three verses she held God ac- Here’s the question: Is it possible to be kind,
countable for her bitterness. compassionate, tenderhearted, and yet bitter at

H ow to be F ree F rom B itterness 1

READER LETTERS the same time? These are all interior attitudes. Tenderheartedness,
by definition, involves a tender heart. Bitterness is also on the inside.
Greetings to you, dear Uncle Jim, But it is not possible to have two different, contradictory attitudes on
I praise God for bringing me
the inside.
in fellowship with you.
Paul says to get rid of all bitterness, and to be kind and compas-
I have been privileged to
read your message “being free sionate one to another. Therefore, the bitterness must go. But before it
from bitterness.” I really needed can be removed, it is necessary to know what it is—and that it is there.
this part in my life as I have It is relatively easy to see when other people are bitter. But it’s not
been in this sin often without so easy to see it in ourselves. It is therefore important to have a good
recognition. Recently, I was
understanding of the Bible’s definition of the problem.
struggling with bitterness to-
Let us suppose that a Christian commits a sin. He tells a lie, for in-
wards a person and could not
love as I ought to as a Christian. stance. When he tells this lie, does he feel guilty, or does he feel bitter?
Was given your message on The answer is guilty. When we sin, we feel guilty. It is straightforward.
bitterness to be read by my Now suppose that someone told a lie about this same Christian and
husband. I prayerfully read spread it all over town. What does he feel now—guilt or bitterness?
your message and was con-
Guilt is what we feel when we sin, and bitterness is what we feel
victed of my sin. As you said, I
when others sin against us. The very definition of bitterness points to
neither kept it struggling in my
heart nor went to the person the action of another. If we had committed the offense, we would feel
and shared about it, but went guilty and would know that we had to confess and forsake our sin.
right to God on my knees and We might not confess the sin when we are guilty, but not because we
confessed my sin. God helped did not know what to do. But what do we do with the guilt of others?
me to come out of that bitter-
Bitterness is always based upon someone else’s sin—whether real
ness towards that person and is
or imagined. Consider the imaginary sin first. Many times we can
helping me to love her.
I really thank you very much be bitter toward someone for what he said, when in reality he did
for that wonderful, life-chang- not say it. We heard a false report, and now we are bitter. We wait for
ing message in order to become an apology which he cannot offer. Shall we remain in bitterness the
like our Savior . . . rest of our lives because he never says he is sorry for something he
I am Chaitanya David, wife
did not do?
of C Stephen David from India
Incidentally, many bitter people cannot imagine the possibility
(Discipleship Training Centre). I
need your prayers so that God that they are bitter over imaginary sins. As far as bitterness is con-
would reveal more and more cerned, the other person’s guilt is always real. For such a person try-
of my sins and help me to deal ing to be free from bitterness, it is acceptable for them to assume that
and deny myself and enable the guilt of the other person is real, so long as they get rid of their
me to carry my cross following
own bitterness.
Jesus Christ.
But what about genuine sin? There are many bitter people who
Your message out of God’s
Word is a blessing in my life and really were mistreated by the offender. So how do we deal with a
I pray it would be in many oth- genuine offense?
ers’ lives. Bitterness is based on sin that somehow relates to you. It is not
Your daughter in Christ, concerned with how big the sin is; it is based upon how close it is. For
Chaitanya David
instance, if some great and gross immorality occurs in Iran, Iraq, El
Hyderabad, India
Salvador, or Colombia, what do we do? We read about it, but we will

2 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

not feel guilty. We read about it, but we will not feel bitter. We might Greetings,
be appalled or amazed, but we do not feel guilty, and we do not feel Thanks for the word. Just
thought I would say thanks
bitter, even though it was an awful sin, and someone actually com-
again for the book on bitterness.
mitted it. So it does not depend on how great the evil is; it depends
Yesterday I was visiting an in-
on how close the other person is to me. Bitterness is related to those mate who thanked me again for
people who are close. the book. He is in for domestic
Who are likely candidates? The answer is simple: fathers, moth- violence and over the last few
ers, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, children, boyfriends, girl- months I have seen his very
hard appearance melt away . . .
friends, roommates, immediate superiors, immediate subordinates,
Thanks,
co-workers, business partners, and maybe some other relatives—
Rich
grandparents, uncles, etc. There are even many people who are bit-
ter against God.
We do not get bitter towards evil outside of our own immediate
contact. Bitterness is based upon the sin of someone who is close to Dear Sirs,
My name is ———. I am cur-
us and who did something to us. It might be minor. It does not have
rently a prisoner in Multnomah
to be great; it just has to be close. Does he pick up his socks? No? Can
County Jail, serving a 180-day
you get bitter over that? Well, no, but what if he does it 5,000 times? [sentence] for public drunken-
You may think you have a right to be bitter. But the Bible does ness and disorderly conduct.
not grant anyone the right to be bitter. The text says to get rid of all Recently I retrieved your
bitterness. pamphlet from the trash and af-
ter drying it out, found it to be
“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter
the most powerful and timely
root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Heb. 12:15). Here
gift to help my broken mind,
it describes bitterness as if it were a root. A root is something that is body, and spirit.
underground and cannot be seen. But there can be visible evidence It never leaves my side and
of its presence, as when sidewalks are lifted. is now ragged. Many many
The fact that you cannot see roots does not mean they are not people want one, but I only let
them copy parts by hand to
there. Neither does it mean you will never see them. They drink in
show their truthful wants.
nourishment, and they do not stay roots. Eventually they come up.
No one in the chaplain’s
The fruit that is born bears a direct relation to the root that is pro- office knows where your
ducing it. The roots of an apple tree provide us with apples. If there booklet came from, as they
is a bitter root, it will bear bitter fruit. say they’ve never seen one
That is what this verse is saying. Beware lest any root of bitterness or had one before. You and I
know exactly where it came
spring up, cause trouble, and defile many people, which means to
from. It has changed my life and
make many people filthy. Have you ever seen bitterness go through a
behavior . . .
church? Bitterness can go through a congregation like a prairie fire. It May God bless you for
can go through the work place or a dormitory. Why is this? Somebody bringing light and hope back
decided to share. He was bitter, and he let the root come to the sur- into my life through His Word.
face and bear fruit. He shared it, and many people became bitter. The God bless you and keep you!

author of Hebrews warns us about this. He says beware of missing

the grace of God. When you allow it, bitterness comes up and defiles
many people. It makes many people filthy.

H ow to be F ree F rom B itterness 3

Dear Jim, What happens to a person if he keeps bitterness on the inside for
I read the booklet “How To many years? What happens to him physically? Suppose it is bitterness
Get Rid of Bitterness” in late
toward some member of the family. He has not shared it. He has not
1993. It was a sort of revelation
defiled many people—he has kept it down inside. When he keeps it in
from the Lord that made me feel
I should begin my life anew but for some years, he finally begins to hurt. He goes to the doctor and the
first I was to forgive my husband doctor says, “You are right; you are sick. But your sickness is not the
(we were divorced for 10 years kind I deal with. I am going to send you to the other kind of doctor.”
already and there was no day So he sends him to the psychiatrist, and the psychiatrist agrees.
and no place for me to curse
“Yes, you are sick all right. And I know why. You are sick because of 20
him again and again) and there
years of bitterness towards your father. You have kept it suppressed
was also my friend, my colleague
(we had been bosom friends for all these years, and it’s rotted out your insides. You have kept this
14 years before she betrayed poison within, and this acid on the inside has made you just physi-
me when I got a chance to get a cally ill. So what I want you to do is to go home and share it with your
very high position and to move father. Why keep it in and get sick? Let it out. Get everybody else sick.”
to the capital to the Presidium
So the world has two solutions. Keep the bitterness in and make
of the Academy of Sciences).
yourself sick, or let it out and spread the sickness around. God’s solu-
I read and reread the booklet
and could not overcome my tion is to dig up the root. Get rid of it. But this takes the grace of God.
profound astonishment at how A man must know the Lord Jesus Christ to be able to do this. He is
stupid it was of me to feel that the source of grace.
bitterness because of them, for Christians should not use the world’s solutions for bitterness.
me who knew Jesus so well and
When Christians copy the world, they have two poor choices. The
found all the drawbacks of my
Bible says to get rid of all bitterness. You must not keep it in, and you
life on learning what He teaches.
I began to pray for the Lord to must not share it. Surrender it to the Father, through the Son.
set me free from this sin. There “But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts,
were no cleansing tears I used do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such ‘wisdom’ does not come
to have when I repented and down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where
received Christ as my Savior,
you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and ev-
but I felt such bliss and rejoicing
ery evil practice” (James 3:14–15).
that I prayed and prayed and I
felt I am becoming a different When I was a young midshipman at the Naval Academy, I thought
person. It was long ago and now that the pettiness and jealousy I observed would give way to matu-
I remember that there were rity. I thought the higher you got in rank, the more mature you be-
such people in my life but this came, the less this sort of thing occurred. But as I grew older, I found
memory is not in my heart this
out that the jealousy just got more intense. Bitterness accumulates.
memory is sort of a dry fact as 2
Unless there’s a solution to it, people do not get less bitter with ma-
x 2 = 4. I was happy and I HAVE
BEEN happy to have this God’s turity. They get more bitter over the years. It gets worse and worse.
weapon against bitterness. And if you harbor bitter envy, evil practice will result. It does not
All my friends have a Russian come from heaven. It is straight from the pit and is of the devil. Every
copy of the booklet and from evil practice results from this attitude. As should be obvious, we have
all of them I heard, “Nell, how
a real problem. How do we get rid of bitterness?
simple and how great. I am so
Before we can get rid of bitterness, we have to realize that we are
happy to be taught this truth
bitter. How can we tell if we are bitter? One good rule of thumb is

4 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

this: Bitterness remembers details. You have had thousands of con- that liberates.” I do not know
versations in your life, most of which you have forgotten. But this one who gave me that book because
there was a very big team from
took place five years ago, and you remember every single word, his
America, and they brought
intonation, and every inflection of his voice. You know exactly what
many good books. But my un-
happened—which means you are bitter. derstanding is that it was God’s
Someone might object and say that it is also possible to have a angel who put it among other
good memory of a wonderful conversation. Is this possible? Yes, but books or else I could devastate
not likely. Why? Because memory is helped by review, review, and myself with the bitterness I felt.
And you can hardly imagine how
more review. People do not usually mull over the wonderful things
happy I was to receive a per-
as much. But they do go over and over and over the bad things. I have
sonal letter from JIM WILSON
done quite a bit of counseling with people who are in the process of himself. God’s will be done.
getting divorced. I have known some of them since they were mar- Nellie Provolotskaya
ried, at a happier time in their life. But at the time of the divorce, Novosibirsk, Russia
they cannot remember a single happy time. All they can remember
is what they have gone over and over. They are bitter.
This doesn’t mean there were not happy times. It just means
Jim,
that they have concentrated on how right they were and how wrong . . . I am 38 years old and
the other person was. If someone has a sharp, detailed memory for have been a Christian my
things which happened years ago when he was a child or a young whole life . . . Since I was in my
man or woman, and that memory is at all accusative of anyone, then early teens I have had dry and
cracked skin on my fingers that
it is an indication of bitterness. And the solution for bitterness is to
would bleed and peel and was
get rid of it.
quite painful. In 25 years I have
I had a wonderful experience one time in Dallas, Texas. I was tried every known treatment
speaking on a Saturday night at the home of an old friend. Because I for dry skin from the medical
was going to be in Dallas, I wrote notes to several people that I knew field, from family remedies, and
in the area, and they showed up at this home. things that were given to me
by friends and family that were
My host asked me to speak on bitterness, which I did. Afterwards,
concerned about my condition.
a couple came up to see me. I had known them eight years before
I was even treated by the U.S.
in Pullman, Washington. The wife said, “We have been married Air Force’s head of dermatology
for eight years. The first year of marriage, I was so bitter toward my when I was in basic training in
mother that I laid it on my husband every single day. Our first year Texas. I have never had more
of marriage was just awful because I kept sharing this bitterness to- than mild improvement and
even treatments that helped
ward my mother with my husband.”
were not effective for long. I
Then she told me that seven years earlier I had spoken on bitter-
tried moisturizers and rubber
ness, and she had gotten rid of hers. One day, she saw another woman or cotton gloves when I slept
who was really bitter towards her mother. She thought, “I can help and even used them at work on
that woman. I can share all the common experiences. I went to her some of the worst days.
to share this, and I couldn’t remember any of the details. My detailed When I received your Bit-
terness book I packed it in my
memory had gone. All I could tell her was I used to remember things,
bag and deployed the next day
and I do not remember them anymore.” The Lord had really taken
to Saudi Arabia as part of Air
care of her bitterness.

H ow to be F ree F rom B itterness 5

Expeditionary Force #6. I read Another time, I was teaching a four-week course on marriage. I
the book on the way over and had put a notice in the paper and did not know who would show up.
again when I got there. After
A woman came who had been referred to the class by a doctor. I can
thinking about it for a while I
honestly say that I have never seen anyone more bitter in appearance
finally realized that maybe it
was the bitterness that I held in my life. She had forty years of accumulated bitterness. She got rid
towards many people that was of it that night and made an appointment to see me the next day at
my problem; I believed that the the bookstore where I worked. She came into the store, and I did not
dry skin was the manifestation know who she was. She looked so different. I had just met her the
of my bitterness. I offered the
night before, but she was clean inside now.
bitterness (and the dry skin) up
What is the problem? Why do we not get rid of bitterness? If I tell
and have strived since then to
clear up past wrongs where I a lie, I can confess it and be forgiven. In order to get rid of it, I have
could, and to let go of hurt and to bring it back to my own heart. We need to bring the realization of
anger in all instances. I am hap- bitterness back to our own hearts. Instead, the temptation is to look
py to say that by the time I got at the offender. Look what he did. That is the nature of bitterness. In
home 45 days later I had normal
order to get rid of it, I need to recognize that it is my problem before
skin again for the first time in
I can confess and forsake it.
25 years, and it is still fine four
months later. I review the Bit- You say, “I am not bitter. I just get hurt easily.” But the symptoms
terness book weekly and strive of getting hurt are very close to the symptoms of resentment. Do
to keep myself bitterness-free you know what instant resentment is? You might say. “It is not bit-
and living in the Word. terness—it is just hurt feelings.” But there is a close relationship be-
Have a great day and thanks
tween being hurt and being resentful. Someone gets hurt, and he
again. God’s Blessings to you
gets resentful. There is another very close connection between re-
and your Ministry.
Tony sentment and bitterness. Resentment turns into a deep bitterness.
Bitterness is just resentment that has been held on to. It has be-
come rancid and rotten. It is kept in, and it gets worse.
The links in the chain continue. There is a connection between
Dear Jim,
bitterness and hatred, and a very clear biblical identification be-
Greetings today and just a
tween hatred and murder. What I am saying is that hurt can lead to
short note—another testimony
about your little booklet on bit- murder. Some might object that this teaching is too strong. But the
terness and forgiveness. That strength of it is from the Bible.
booklet came unexpectedly in What we want to do is make it apparent how sinful bitterness is.
the mail a few days before I went The bitter person must first recognize that he is bitter, and secondly,
on some active duty time to
that it is a gross evil. Again, the reason people do not deal with this
Quantico. I threw it into my brief-
sin is that they think it is the other person’s sin. The devil says, “Well,
case as I packed, thinking that I
would read it on the trip. Later I when he quits lying, or he quits doing this or that, or when he says
did, noting how helpful it was. he’s sorry, then you will feel better.”
After a class day in Quan- But suppose he does not quit? Suppose he never quits? Are you go-
tico an officer came up to me ing to be bitter for the rest of your life because someone else insists
and asked for my advice. This
on being in sin? That does not make any sense at all. You may say, “I
reserve Major was a lawyer
will forgive him when he says he is sorry, but not until then. I have
working in the Pentagon. She
a right to my bitterness until then. When he says he is sorry, I will

6 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

forgive him and everything will be fine.” You keep this wall of bitter- wanted to know if she should
ness up, and one day he comes to you and he says, “I’m sorry.” Can bring legal charges against the
Col. she worked for. The next
you forgive him now? No, because bitterness doesn’t forgive. In order
day she handed me a legally
to forgive this person when he says he is sorry, you have to be ready
prepared document 20 pages
before he says he is sorry. And if you are ready to forgive him before long chronicling the offenses
he says he is sorry, then it doesn’t depend on whether he says he is she was keeping against this
sorry or not. In other words, you get rid of bitterness unilaterally. It man for the last six months.
does not matter what the other person does. None seemed really serious to
me but they were obviously
Earlier I made the point that bitterness seems to stem from the
taking an enormous toll on her
other person’s sin—real or imagined. That is only how it appears. In
health. I asked that before we
reality, bitterness is a sin that stands alone. The bitter person decides talk she read something that
to be bitter independently of the offender. I would give her. So she read
You say, “No, he sinned against me, and when he says he is sorry your booklet on how to be
everything will be fine.” That is not true. I have known situations free from bitterness. It struck
right to the point for her and
where an apology was offered, and the person is still bitter. Suppose
although she had been brought
the offender is dead and cannot apologize. I know people who are
up in the church, it confronted
extremely bitter, and the bitterness is towards their parents who died her in a very meaningful way.
years ago. But the bitterness has not died. Bitterness is the sin of the Later, in dealing with the mat-
bitter person alone, unrelated to anyone else. ter of her boss (and some other
One time around Christmas, I went to the Walla Walla State serious hurts from the past) I
had the opportunity to share
Penitentiary to spend the day with the inmates. I spent about six
the Gospel in a life-changing
hours there. During the afternoon, I was in maximum security, talk-
way for her. In the process of
ing about and teaching evangelism. One fellow asked about reaching that discussion I asked her if
the really hard-core criminals. I thought he was really interested in she would die that day, did she
such evangelism and talked to him about it. Then I spent time in know what would happen to
minimum security, protective custody, and other places. In the eve- her, etc. Here is what was so
significant to me. She said, “Af-
ning, I was back in maximum security, and thought I would talk on
ter reading that book on bitter-
the subject of bitterness. I figured there were probably some bitter
ness, I don’t know what would
people there. happen to me.” It was evident
The same fellow who had asked about evangelism in the after- to me that your message for
noon asked me another question. He said, “How can you get rid of her was the preaching of the
bitterness towards somebody who beat up your three-year-old son law, and it was showing her a
need and driving her to Christ.
unmercifully?”
I rejoiced to see how God used
I told him how, and then I said, “You know, when you get rid of
that message and continue to
your bitterness you can help this person so that he won’t beat up pray for her that God would es-
other little kids.” tablish her in the faith . . .
He said, “No, this guy cannot be helped.” Still appreciating your
I said, “Sure, he can.” friendship and leadership in
Christ Jesus,
“No, no.”
Sincerely,
“Why not?”
Steve
“He is not with us anymore.”

H ow to be F ree F rom B itterness 7

Dear Jim, This inmate had murdered him. He had murdered him because
I don’t think that we have of what he had done to his three-year-old son—that’s why he was in
met face to face, but I enjoy
prison. But even though he had killed the man, he was still bitter. In
reading your emails and have
other words, expressing his bitterness did not get rid of it. Nor did the
heard about you for years. I am
a ‘74 USNA grad. I read your death get rid of it.
Bitterness book several years When someone else says he is sorry, it does not get rid of our bit-
ago and would like to give you a terness. The only thing that gets rid of it is confession before God
brief testimony. I have been in because of the Lord Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection. This is
Christian ministry for about 22
the only solution.
years on staff with the Naviga-
You may say that the person you are bitter toward died many years
tors. I was trapped by the lies
that my significance was based ago. You did not kill the person like the man in prison. Otherwise,
on ‘rank’ or ‘title’ and when I there is no difference; the other person is dead, and you are still bitter.
did not receive ‘promotions’ I If the person who died was a believer, he is with the Lord, forgiven
became bitter. This bitterness and pure. You are bitter towards someone who is rejoicing in Heaven
lingered and once set in, be-
because his name is written in the Lamb’s book of life.
came the ‘root’ for many other
If the person who died was not a believer, then he is under the
perceived offenses to take hold
of me leading to more episodes judgement of God described in 2 Thessalonians 1:6–8: “God is just:
where I felt I had the ‘right’ to He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you and give relief to
be bitter. The pathetic thing is you who are troubled, and to us as well. This will happen when the
that everyone around me could Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven in blazing fire with his powerful
see it, but I couldn’t. It was right
angels. He will punish those who do not know God and do not obey
out of Psa. 73, “When my soul
the gospel of our Lord Jesus.”
was embittered, when I was
pricked in heart, I was stupid “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath,
and ignorant....” After reading for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord”
your booklet, for the first time (Rom. 12:19). God is just, and God does the paying.
I saw that bitterness is and Even if these people were alive, they could not take care of your
by itself a ‘sin’. I asked God to
bitterness, nor could you by going after them. Being dead, they have
show me every root of bitter-
been taken care of, either way. That leaves you, alive and bitter, hurt-
ness that was in me. In a short
period of time, I was able to list ing yourself and everyone around you for years. Your bitterness is
16 different roots of bitterness. your sin, regardless of what you think caused it. God will allow you
I took time to confess each one, to experience the forgiveness and joy that is yours when you repent
one by one and asking God for and confess your bitterness as a great sin against God. We must not
forgiveness. Then I called my
keep it, and we must not share it with others. There is only one thing
supervisor and confessed all
to do, and that is to confess it as a great and evil sin. We must be as
16 to him and asked him for
forgiveness. God graciously persistent in the confession as necessary.
forgave me and set me free. I Once I was speaking in Monterey, California, at the U.S. Naval
have to guard my soul, for it has Postgraduate School. There was a man there who had a great repu-
proven to be a fertile ground tation as a Bible teacher. He was a line officer in the Navy, but he
for bitter seeds to dwell. I must
had been passed over for the command of a submarine, and he was
diligently guard my thoughts to
bitter. I spoke on confession of sin and bitterness, and he was really
wiped out. He came and saw me and got rid of his bitterness. The

8 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

next morning, his wife said to me, “I’ve got a new husband.” He had prevent any of the previous 16
been bitter toward the Navy, but it was his sin, not the Navy’s. items from taking root again.
Thanks for your booklet and
Amy Carmichael has a note in her little book If: “For a cup brim-
teaching. It is much needed in
ful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however
the body of Christ.
suddenly jolted.”* If a cup is full of sweet water and is jolted, what will In Christ,
come out of it? Sweet water. If you give it a harder jolt, what’s going Bob
to spill? More sweet water. If someone is filled with sweet water and
someone else gives him a jolt, what will come out? Sweet water. Jolts do
not turn sweet water into bitter water. That is done by something else.
Jolts only bring out of the container what is already in it. If you are
filled with sweetness and light and you get jolted, you’re going to spill
sweetness and light. If you’re filled with honey, the honey will come out.
If vinegar comes out, what does that prove? It shows what was already in
the container. In other words, much bitterness is not based upon what
the other person did at all. It is the result of what we do and are.
Many years ago, I was working in our bedroom at my desk. My
wife Bessie was reading in bed. Whatever I was doing wasn’t going
well. Bessie said something to me, and I turned around and let her
have it. It was something un-Christian. She looked at me in amaze-
ment and got up and left the room. I sat there thinking, “She should
not have said it. Look what she said. Look, look, look.” I did that for
around 10 minutes. I was bitter towards Bessie, but all she did was
jolt the cup. What was in the cup came out.
If I had been filled with sweetness and light, the jolt would not
have mattered. I sat there and thought about what she did. I knew
better, because I had already learned this truth about bitterness.
Still, I thought about her “sin” because there is enjoyment in accus-
ing the other person. Some people do this for years.
I sat there for a while and then got up and went over to my side of
the bed, got on my knees, and said, “Lord, I was the only one at fault.
It was my bitterness and my sin. I am confessing it, forsaking it, and
please forgive me.”
I got up off my knees and said, “But look what she said.” I got back
on my knees.
“God, I’m sorry for what I did. I accept the responsibility. It was
my sin, and mine only.”
I got up off my knees and said, “God, you and I know who is really
at fault.” I knelt back down. I stayed on my knees for 45 minutes until
I could get up and not say, “Look what she said.”

* Amy Carmichael, If (Fort Washington, PA: Christian Literature Crusade, n.d.) p. 46.

H ow to be F ree F rom B itterness 9

 I do not remember now what Bessie said, and Discussion Questions
I do not remember what I was doing at the desk. 1. What is bitterness?
I do not remember the details. The only thing I
2. Is bitterness a sin? Why or why not?
remember now is getting up. But I also know that
if I had not taken care of the bitterness I would 3. Name a situation in your life that caused you to
know to this day exactly what she had said. That have feelings of bitterness.
is the nature of bitterness.
4. What is the basis for bitterness? Does it matter
In order to get rid of bitterness, I have to see
the size of the offense?
that it is evil, and that it is my sin and my sin only.
I do not get rid of it through the other person say- A characteristic of bitterness is that it remembers
ing he is sorry. I do not get rid of it if the other details. Of the thousands of situations and conversa-
tions that have taken place in our lives, this one is still
person quits or dies. I do not get rid of it any other
fresh in our memory. We remember every detail in-
way except calling it sin against the holy God,
cluding the words that were used, the intonation and
confessing it, and receiving forgiveness. inflection of the voice. This is due to review, review,
The difficulty is getting my eyes off the other and more review.
person’s sin. But just the fact that I think it is his
5. What are the world’s solutions to getting rid of
problem shows that it is not. If it actually were
anger?
his problem, and I were filled with sweetness and
light, and not bitter, then I would be concerned a.
about him. I could say, “That poor guy! Look what b.
he did. If I did something like that, I would feel
Realizing we are bitter is the first step to getting rid
awful. He must really feel awful. I think I will go
of our bitterness. The reason people do not deal with
help him.” If that is not my response, then I am
bitterness is that they think it is the other person’s
bitter, and it is my sin, not his. sin.
I believe that this sin is a major hindrance to
revival in this country. When Christians start 6. What does God require us to do with all our bit-
terness? (James 3:14–15) It is impossible to be
confessing their sins, they will be able to forgive
compassionate, tenderhearted, and bitter at the
the sins of others.
same time.

The Next Step: Responding to God’s Word

STUDY GUIDE
Reflect on a situation where you struggle with bitter-
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and ness. If you have not surrendered it to the Father, then
slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and do so, allowing the grace of Lord Jesus Christ to fill
compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just you. Ask for practical steps that you can take, with the
as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, there- help of the Holy Spirit, to resolve this issue. Respond in
fore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as love by following Christ’s law of forgiveness. “Be kind,
Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant compassionate to one another, forgiving each other,
offering and sacrifice to God. (Eph. 4:31–5:2) just as in Christ God forgave you” (Eph. 4:32).

10 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

 FORGIVING OTHERS
Jim Wilson

This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you

unless you forgive your brother from your heart. (Matt. 18:35)

T
he Lord Jesus Christ is speaking here, way. Our hearts are open and manifest to Him. If
and He is giving His followers teaching we are refusing to forgive, then He knows it. He
on forgiveness. knows our sin, and He certainly knows the re-
Most of us have had experiences when some- quirements of His word concerning forgiveness.
one has come to us and asked forgiveness. Other So what does the Bible teach about how our
times we have gone to ask for forgiveness. heavenly Father will treat us? “Then Peter came
There are several common responses to to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I
such requests, but the one you most often hear forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up
is, “There is nothing to forgive.” This sounds to seven times?’” (Matt. 18:21). He thought he was
very gracious, but it really is not. It is a means asking a virtuous question.
of refusing to forgive. The person you asked to “Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times,
forgive you knows full well that you need forgiv- but seventy-seven times’” (Matt. 18:22). When
ing. But still they dodge the request by saying, Jesus said this, do you think He meant to limit it
“Oh, there’s nothing to forgive.” They may really to seventy-seven? Do we get to count? Are we al-
think there wasn’t any problem, but that’s not lowed to keep a record of wrongs?
normally the case. Anytime someone counts the number of times
Sometimes they say, “Alright, you are forgiv- he has extended forgiveness, there is no true for-
en.” They say it because they have to, but that’s giveness. If you forgave your brother from your
not what their heart is saying. But the text re- heart each time he sinned against you, each in-
quires forgiveness from the heart. In other words, stance would seem like the first time.
God knows who truly forgives, and who does not. When Jesus teaches about things like turn-
We are also told that God is going to treat each of ing the other cheek, people misapply it. They say,
us in a certain way unless we forgive our broth- “Yes, I will let him hit the other cheek, but if he
ers from the heart. He does not require us to say hits me a third time, I am going to deck him.”
the right words. Even though you might convince But when Jesus taught about turning the oth-
the person in front of you, you will not convince er cheek, He was teaching us to do it from the
the One who searches the heart. God knows when heart. Jesus assumes the other person is sinning
you have forgiven your brother from your heart. against you. He assumes the other person is
We cannot hide from the Lord when we sin in this wrong seven times, seventy-seven times, or four

F orgi v ing O thers 11

hundred and ninety times. But if you are count- forgiveness. It was a great forgiveness like the
ing, you are not forgiving. forgiveness of the great debt in the parable.
Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and
Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king
forgive whatever grievances you may have against
who wanted to settle accounts with his servants.
As he began the settlements, a man who owed one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” How
him ten thousand talents was brought to him. did the Lord forgive us? Unconditionally, and we
Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered are told to forgive as we were forgiven: uncondi-
that he and his wife and his children and all that tionally. But suddenly, when it comes to our debt-
he had be sold to repay the debt. ors, we have conditional forgiveness. Remember
The servant fell on his knees before him. “Be how the heavenly Father treats those who behave
patient with me,” he begged, “and I will pay back like the wicked servant in the parable.
everything.” The servant’s master took pity on
“Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven
him, canceled the debt and let him go.
our debtors” (Matt. 6:12). The Lord instructed us
But when that servant went out he found one
to pray this way. We protest, “God, I don’t want
of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred
denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. to be forgiven this way. If I get forgiven the way I
“Pay back what you owe me!” he demanded. forgive, I’m in big trouble.”
His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged The Christian who prays as instructed is praying
him, “Be patient with me and I will pay you back.” for conditional forgiveness. In Matthew 6:14, right
But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the after the Lord’s prayer, Jesus says, “For if you for-
man thrown into prison until he could pay the give men when they sin against you, your heavenly
debt. When the other servants saw what had hap-
Father will also forgive you. But if you do not for-
pened, they were greatly distressed and went and
give men their sins, your Father will not forgive your
told their master everything that had happened.
sins.” Is this true? It is the Lord Jesus who said it.
Then the master called the servant in. “You
wicked servant,” he said, “I canceled all that debt Someone might object, “How can this be? We
of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t have received unconditional forgiveness. Now
you have had mercy on your fellow servant just Jesus is saying that if I forgive men when they
as I had on you?” In anger his master turned him sin against me, my heavenly Father will also for-
over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should give me, but if I do not forgive men their sins, my
pay back all he owed. Father will not forgive my sins. That sounds like
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each conditional forgiveness to me.”
of you unless you forgive your brother from your
Here is why it’s conditional. Jesus said that
heart. (Matt. 18:23–35)
when we passed from death to life, we were for-
When we passed from death to life, we were given a great debt. At that time, we had very clear
forgiven, and the debt which was eliminated was instructions to forgive as we had been forgiven.
immense. When we became Christians, we re- We were forgiven unconditionally, and we are
ceived unconditional forgiveness. It was a gift, told to forgive unconditionally.
and we received it without conditions attached. If someone is forgiving unconditionally, he
There is a difference between conditional for- won’t have any problems praying this: “Lord,
giveness and unconditional forgiveness. When forgive me as I forgive.” This forgiveness will be
we were born again, we received unconditional unconditional. There is no contradiction for the
Christian who is doing what he is told. There is

12 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

only a seeming contradiction when forgiveness is defensive? Because someone is accusing him. But
not extended in the same way it is received. That if you go with forgiveness in your heart, then the
was the problem with the unforgiving servant. He result will not be accusative.
had been forgiven, and he turned around and did I can guarantee that he will not be won over
not forgive as he had been forgiven. if his corrector goes with any kind of bitterness,
This is a powerful statement: “This is how my resentment, or an accusative spirit. You must not
heavenly Father will treat you unless you forgive go to him in that kind of condition. You may only
your brother from your heart, as I forgave you go when there is forgiveness in your heart in ad-
from my heart.” If I refuse to forgive, I have good vance. That forgiveness cannot be dependent on
reason to doubt my salvation. his repentance. I can guarantee he will not be re-
pentant if he is not approached with forgiveness.
If your brother sins against you, go and show him
We must go with love and forgiveness. If he lis-
his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens
tens, we have won our brother over.
to you, you have won your brother over. But if
he will not listen, take one or two others along,
If he will not listen even though he has been
so that “every matter may be established by the approached this way, we are to take one or two
testimony of two or three witnesses.” If he refuses others along, people who also have forgiveness in
to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he their hearts.
refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as This is not what normally happens. Someone
you would a pagan or a tax collector. I tell you the goes with an accusation, and the recipient gets
truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound defensive. So two other people with one side of the
in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will
story are collected, and they come and back up the
be loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of
initial corrector. They are not successful, either.
you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it
Everyone must have forgiveness in his heart so
will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For
where two or three come together in my name, that if the offender refuses to repent, it is obvious-
there am I with them. (Matt. 18:15–20) ly his problem. If he refuses to listen, the church
must be told. Of course, it is also necessary for the
This passage, which precedes the parable we church to be full of forgiveness.
have examined, also has to do with heart for- There are churches that think they exercise
giveness. If your brother sins against you, go and godly church discipline. They do not, because they
show him his fault just between the two of you. If lack this attitude. They go to this guy, lay it on him,
he listens, you have won your brother over. and he refuses it. They get two or three others, lay it
“Well, that is not likely to happen. I have tried on him, and he refuses them, too. Then the church
that. He sinned against me, and I was so mad I kicks him out, but there is no forgiveness in their
went and showed him his faults, and it did not hearts. However, one of the primary objectives of
win him over at all.” That was because you did church discipline is to restore the offender.
not go with forgiveness in your heart. This text If he refuses to listen to the church, he is to be
does not make sense to many people, because treated as a pagan or a tax collector. I do not be-
they cannot comprehend going to someone that lieve the Lord Jesus meant as pagans or tax col-
way. “How can you tell someone who has sinned lectors were actually treated. I think he means
against you what he’s done to you, and expect to as pagans and tax collectors should be treated.
win him? He will get defensive.” Why will he get In Matthew 5, Jesus tells us to treat the just and

H ow to be F ree F rom B itterness 13

the unjust as the Father does—equitably. He tells You can see the relationship between this and
us to love our enemies. That means that when bitterness. Bitterness is really unforgiveness. It is
we treat them as pagans and tax collectors, it is saying that someone did something to me, and I
loving treatment. It merely means that they are am not going to forgive him. Of course bitterness
considered outside the fellowship, but with love does not think of itself as sin; it can only see the
and forgiveness from the heart. The only problem sin of the other person.
is that they don’t want the forgiveness which the In one sense, forgiveness is unilateral. In one
godly are extending to them from their hearts. It sense, Jesus Christ forgave us all before we re-
is because of this teaching that Peter asked the pented. The forgiveness did not become active
question which led to the parable you just read: until we received it. But God was not up in heaven
“How many times should I forgive my brother?” holding a grudge until we got around to repent-
“Love...keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Cor. ing. He is not up there bitter until we repent. He
13:4–5). Love does not keep score. You may have has forgiveness in His heart before we appropri-
heard a husband or wife say, “You always do this, ate it. God has unilateral forgiveness, and He re-
and you never do that.” What does that mean? quires us to have unilateral forgiveness toward
Someone is keeping score. The Bible says to nev- anyone who ever sins against us. We think of what
er do this. A record of wrongs is only kept when the other person did to us, or said to us, and really
someone is adding up the offenses. Forgiveness the issue has nothing to do with what the other
does not do that. person did or said.
What did Jesus mean when He said, “Whatever When a Christian has forgiveness from the
you bind on earth will be bound in heaven”? Many heart, he is not concerned about himself. He is
Christians use the verse about two or three agree- concerned about the person who did the sinning
ing on anything out of context. The verse has to do against him. We tend to be like Peter: “Sure, Lord,
with church discipline and forgiving your brother. I’ll forgive him seven times, but if he goes to eight,
It is right between the story Jesus told about for- he’s in real trouble.” But real forgiveness doesn’t
giveness and Peter’s question about how many keep count. If you have a tendency to keep count
times he had to forgive. When two or three gather within or without the family, it is very likely that
together in His name, the Lord Jesus Christ is with you are not forgiving. Jesus said that His heaven-
them. This has to do with decisions about forgiv- ly Father will treat each of us with the same lack
ing others who have sinned against you. Jesus was of forgiveness unless we forgive from the heart.
speaking of Christian churches, full of forgiveness, Forgive your brother from your heart.
that are acting in His name. They are acting how “I do not have forgiveness in my heart.” Then
He told them to act. Then when they make a deci- who needs forgiving? The one who needs forgiv-
sion based upon His word, He honors it. ing is the one who has this unlove, this hatred,
He does not honor the decision because the this bad attitude, this grudge, or whatever. You
church plugs a church-discipline formula. But if cannot have it both ways. You cannot have un-
they are acting with the character and the love of forgiveness in your heart and rejoice in the Lord.
the Lord Jesus Christ, when the body of forgiving It is possible to have unforgiveness in your heart
believers makes a decision to discipline someone and still go to church and sing. But it is all a fake!
who is not willing to repent, God honors it in heaven. The singing is false. You can make people sing,
but when people are clean you don’t have to make

14 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

them sing. People will spontaneously sing from a “Same girl?”
full heart. Why? Because they have clean hearts. He said it was the same girl.
There is a big difference between singing be- I asked if he remembered how wonderfully
cause you are rejoicing in the Lord, and singing to God forgave him in March?
get joy. Some Christians go to church every Sunday He said, “It was wonderful. There was great joy
and sing to get joy. The joy ends when they quit sing- and peace.”
ing, because there is uncleanness in their heart. I said, “Well, He can do it again. Let’s pray
We would all like to think that we are the good right now. You may repent and confess, and be
guy and the other person has the problem. It might restored.”
not be true. Assume you are the one who has the He said, “No.”
problem of lack of forgiveness. If a Christian has I said, “It’s true.”
forgiveness in his heart, he will rejoice regardless “Yeah, I know. I’ve seen it happen. I know He
of how wrong the other person is or how greatly will do it again, but I am not quite ready.”
the other person sins against him. I said, “I do not think you understand. You do
How can you show forgiveness to someone not have an option. You know better. You have to
when you have to be very firm because you don’t be restored now.”
believe in their lifestyle? It is not really that dif- “No; I will do it sometime, but not now.”
ficult. If you have forgiveness in your heart, they “I think I will have to tell the church that you
will know it, regardless of how firm you are. They are living in sin.”
will know it based upon your tone. People can tell “You would tell the church what I told you in
when you love them. They can tell when you are confidence?”
being firm because you are bitter, and they can “I did not know it was in confidence, and I
tell when you do it out of love. The only thing you didn’t know what you were going to tell me, and
have to be sure of is your attitude in the conversa- I didn’t know you were going to be unrepentant
tion. You do not have to worry how they will take having told me. God tells me to take it to the
it. The results are the Lord’s. They may not accept church because we are not to have fellowship with
it, but they do know the difference. you. We are not going to eat with you. The Bible
Periodically, I have had to be very firm with tells us what to do with anyone who calls himself
people. One time, many decades ago, a man a brother who is a fornicator. The church is not
had just gotten right with the Lord the previous very godly, so they will probably kick me out for
March. He had been a Christian since his sopho- gossiping. Nevertheless, the Bible tells me to tell
more year in college, but in his senior year he re- the church. I will also tell the Officers’ Christian
ally got right with the Lord. He asked to live with Union, and they will not bat an eye. They will re-
us in our home through the summer after gradu- move you so fast it will not be funny.”
ation. We shifted the kids around, and he moved He got angry.
all his stuff into our house in June. I told him there was one other problem. “In 1
My wife was putting the kids in bed, and we Corinthians 5, it says we are not to eat with you.
were down in the living room. I asked him how We are not allowed to keep company with im-
things were going. He said, “Not so good.” moral people who call themselves believers. If
“Is it the same problem you had before?” anybody calls himself a brother and lives this
He said, “Yes.” way, we may not even eat with him. You want me

H ow to be F ree F rom B itterness 15

to disobey God because you are going to be un- 2. Describe a situation when someone has commit-
repentant. You want me to eat with you and have ted a sin against you repeatedly and then asked
fellowship with you while you stay unrepentant. your forgiveness. Were you able to forgive this
person from your heart?
You have already moved your stuff in, so you can
stay overnight. But if you’re not right with the Peter asked Jesus if seven was enough times to
Lord by morning, I want you out of this house be- forgive someone. Jesus answered, “Seventy-seven
fore breakfast, and I don’t want you to speak to times,” meaning that we should not keep track of how
my wife or children.” many times we forgive someone. If we did, and it was
He got very angry. seven times in a day, then we would be tempted not
to forgive. We should always forgive those who say
I said, “I love you very much. You know I love
they are repentant, no matter how many times they
you very much. You may stay here all summer in
ask. We must not judge whether he is truly repentant.
fellowship, but you do not eat breakfast here in “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents,
the morning unless you are in fellowship.” forgive him” (Luke 17:3).
He knew I loved him and that I wasn’t hold-
3. What does the parable of the unforgiving debtor
ing a grudge against him. He knew the love was
teach us about conditional versus unconditional
real. But if the same thing had been said with any
forgiveness?
kind of bitter malice, it would have been wrong.
He was right with God by breakfast, and he stayed 4. Jesus teaches us how to pray in Matthew 6:5–15.
there all summer. What is the one condition He places on our for-
giveness in verses fourteen and fifteen?
Forgiveness is not inconsistent with godly dis-
cipline. If there is discipline, it does not mean that 5. What are Jesus’ guidelines for dealing with those
there is a lack of forgiveness. who sin against us? Who were these guidelines
Spend time with God alone and clean house. If meant for? (Matt. 18:15–20)
you have any unforgiveness toward anyone else, Forgiveness is not to be dependent on the offender’s
forgive him from the heart. God is very quick to repentance. He will not be repentant if he is not ap-
take you up on any serious business with Him. He proached with forgiveness from the heart.
is quick to forgive. 6. What does Jesus teach us about those who refuse
to listen even to the church? How does this relate
to bitterness?
STUDY GUIDE
When a Christian has forgiveness from the heart, he
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many is concerned about the person who did the sinning
times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against against him. He is not concerned about himself.
me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not
seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (Matt. 18:21–22) The Next Step: Responding to God’s Word
1 Corinthians 13:4–5 states that “Love . . . keeps no
Discussion Questions record of wrongs.” Love does not keep score. If there
1. Describe a situation when someone has com- are people in your life with whom you keep score,
mitted a sin against you and then asked for your surrender your score card to God. Ask for God’s for-
forgiveness. Were you able to forgive this person giveness so that you may come to understand His
from your heart? mercy. Then respond to God’s calling to forgive from
the heart.

16 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

 MAN’S ANGER
Heather Wilson Torosyan

Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast?
If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?” (Gen. 4:6–7a)

S
omeone has just crunched your car, and civil rights, or discrimination. There are hosts of
you are angry. He was sixteen and hot- other reasons that can set off tempers, reasons
rodding. You are angry at the kid, at all of that are as individual as fingerprints. But what-
today’s kids, and at the system for letting such ir- ever our trigger is, the Bible has some very defi-
responsible people out on the streets. And to top nite things to say about anger.
it off some Christian comes up and tells you to put The most often used justification is “The Bible
away all anger and wrath. Well, that really does it. says to get angry.” Well, yes, as a matter of fact, it
Platitudes! That’s easy for him to say. Besides, the does say, “Be angry...” (Eph. 4:26). But that is often
Bible says you can get angry. Jesus got angry when where people stop. They ignore the next part that
he drove the money changers out of the temple. says, “and do not sin.” Christians are often very
And anyway, it’s bad for you to keep anger in; it is good on the first part of the command, but a trifle
better to be authentic than hypocritical. weak on the second half. The verse adds a second
On and on go the excuses and justifications. condition to the command: “Do not let the sun go
You attempt to convince yourself that it was re- down on your anger.”
ally okay to get angry. I suspect we have all heard There are other verses that can be interpreted
and very likely used these excuses. If anybody is to allow anger. “Everyone should be quick to lis-
so foolish as to try to point out that angry is not ten, slow to speak and slow to become angry...”
what God would have us to be, we simply add him Again, that indicates that as long as you don’t fly
to the reasons for being angry. off the handle, that’s okay. But again, the follow-
Some people lose their tempers over what you ing phrase adds some light to the subject. “For
may call trifling things (i.e. those things that don’t man’s anger does not bring about the righteous
bother you): inefficiency in the office, someone life that God desires” (James 1:19–20).
cutting in quickly and taking a parking place, the Perhaps, then, it is okay to be angry if
way a husband leaves his socks on the floor, or the • We do not sin.
wife who is chronically late. Isn’t it amazing what • We don’t go to sleep with it.
can make people really ticked? • It is anger from God and not man’s anger.
Others may get angry at “more righteous” • It achieves righteousness.
things like world hunger, abortion, war, lack of • It comes slowly.

M an ’ s A nger 17
 Do you get the feeling that if these qualifica- anger and its sinfulness. “But now you must rid
tions are met, the amount of anger would be cut yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage,
drastically? malice, slander, and filthy language from your
Another biblical reference that is appealed to lips” (Col. 3:8). “Fits of rage” is listed as one of the
is when Jesus cleansed the temple (Matt. 21, John deeds of the flesh in Galatians 5:20. “An angry
2). This is a tricky passage to use as a proof text, man stirs up dissention, and a hot-tempered one
for our anger is rarely so righteous. Even though commits many sins” (Prov. 29:22) “A quick-tem-
the passage never actually says that Jesus was an- pered man displays folly” (Prov. 14:29). Proverbs
gry, we can still see how it fits at least four of the has a lot to say on the subject.
five qualifications. The anger seemed to be God’s, Suppose you are convinced that your anger is
for the cause of the anger was not self-centered. not of God, and you would like to get rid of it. How
Jesus was purging God’s temple. The result was do you start?
righteousness. Because it was of God, it was not First, it is good to see where your anger is from:
sin. It came slowly enough to allow Him to make “The good man brings good things out of the good
a whip. If we like, we can assume the sun did not stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings
go down on His anger. evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart.
If we are not up to likening our anger to Christ’s, For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth
we may well use the “you don’t understand” rou- speaks” (Luke 6:45). What we see here is that the
tine. Perhaps I don’t understand, but Christ cer- fruit of our lives is generated from the state of our
tainly does. “For we do not have a high priest who heart. If our heart has an evil treasure, the over-
is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but flow will be evil.
we have one who has been tempted in every way, If that is the case, two steps must be taken. The
just as we are, yet was without sin” (Heb. 4:15). first is expressed in Psalm 139:23–24: “Search me,
Christ sympathizes with our weakness, but it O God, and know my heart; test me and know my
doesn’t end there; He gives us grace in time of anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way
need (v. 16). in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” We
If we were more sophisticated, we could say need a heart-searching by God.
that psychologically it is better to release our an- The second step is to confess the sins of the
ger. Pent-up anger may give us ulcers. Of course, heart to God. “But if we walk in the light, as he
if we release our anger, others may get ulcers. It is in the light, we have fellowship with one an-
rarely occurs to people that there is a third option, other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us
i.e., taking our anger to God. This does not mean from all sin . . . . If we confess our sins, he is faithful
venting our spleen towards God (“authenticity”). and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us
It means admitting to God that you are angry and from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:7, 9). The an-
that if it is not going to achieve His righteousness, ger will disappear from our hearts like the money
you do not want it. With this confession, our an- changers from the temple.
ger is removed from us, we may continue our life Once our heart is clean, we should fill it with
in the joy of the Lord, and nobody gets ulcers. all sorts of good things. Things that are true, hon-
The Scriptures have just these few indications orable, right, pure, lovely, of good repute, excel-
that anger may be alright under limited circum- lent, and worthy of praise are a few suggestions
stances, but it says a lot more about the folly of

18 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

given by Paul in Philippians 4:8. This can also be STUDY GUIDE
defined as the renewing of your mind (Rom. 12:2).
Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry?
Does the idea of putting away all anger seem
Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right,
hopelessly impossible to you? If it were only up will you not be accepted?” (Gen. 4:6–7a)
to us to keep perfect control, the idea would be
impossible. But thank Him it is not. “To him who Discussion Questions
is able to keep you from falling and to present you 1. How can someone tell when you are angry?
before his glorious presence without fault and
2. Describe the last time you became really angry.
with great joy . . . . Amen” (Jude 24).
3. What does Ephesians 4:26 say about anger?
Note: In an age where there is so much talk about
low self-love, it does not occur to people that For man’s anger does not bring about the righ-
someone might love himself too much. Most teous life that God desires. (James 1:20)
anger is not generated in protection of other
people. It is a response caused by loving yourself 4. What does God say about the folly of anger and
too much. “I am too nice or too important to be its sinfulness?
treated this way.” Therefore, anger. If the anger is a Colossians 3:8
fit of rage, it is a characteristic of a non-Christian. Galatians 5:20
Jesus saves us out of the list of works of the flesh Proverbs 29:22
in Galatians 5:19–21 and saves us into the fruit of Proverbs 14:29
the Spirit in Galatians 5:22–23. If you know you
are a Christian and have “fits of rage,” these must 5. Where does your anger come from?
be confessed and forsaken today.
The good man brings good things out of the good
Jim Wilson stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil
things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of
the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45)

6. The fruit of our lives is generated from the state

of our heart. If our heart has an evil treasure, the
overflow will be evil. What two steps must be
taken if you would like to get rid of your anger?

Step One:

Step Two:

The Next Step: Responding to God’s Word

If we are willing to give up our anger to God and
confess our sins, God promises to create in us a clean
heart. Reflect on how you deal with anger. Ask God
to search your heart and thoughts, revealing any of-
fensive way in you. Respond by letting God take con-
trol so that He can “lead me in the way everlasting”
(Psalm 139:24).

H ow to be F ree F rom B itterness 19

 FITS OF R AGE
Jim Wilson

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;
idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions,
factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before,
that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. (Gal. 5:19–21)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness and self control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus
have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit,
let us keep in step with the Spirit. (Gal. 5:22–25)

I
A “fit of rage” is an act of the sinful nature. We
have been a witness to several very scary fits see it clearly in very young children. We call it a
of rage. One time I went to confront a pastor tantrum. As the child gets older, we might say in a
who was being unfaithful. He had come to his tormenting way, “Temper, temper, temper!” This
wife’s mobile home to visit his teenage daughters. does not normally moderate the explosion. Other
He did not respond to me in anger, but immedi- expressions that describe fits of rage are “losing
ately afterward went into a fit of rage with his wife it” and “going ballistic.” These euphemisms for
and one daughter. When he left, he was still so fits of rage are descriptive, but do not sound as
dangerous I locked the door. He came back and sinful.
pounded on the door very hard and then began “Short fuse” is another euphemism for a per-
to rock the trailer. He married the other woman. son who is quick to anger. All of us know people
Ten years later he repented. like that. Some people take pride in having a short
Many years ago, Bessie and I went together fuse. Their friends and relatives have learned how
hoping to reconcile a married couple. The “other to walk softly or to give them a wide berth. These
woman” was there. This other woman went ber- people terrorize their families or hold them hos-
serk. No one was hurt. She took it out on the car. tage to their anger, which might erupt any time.
She was not a Christian. The opposite of the acts of the sinful nature is
Another time, a man came into my bookstore the fruit of the Spirit. It is easy to see that self-
to inform me, in a fit of rage, that he was going to control is the opposite of a fit of rage. But it is not
kill his wife. We managed to hide his wife until the only opposite. A person in a fit of rage is not
the fit of rage was over. He was not a Christian. loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faith-
ful, or gentle. A fit of rage undoes all the fruit of

20 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

the Spirit. This is why it is natural for a person not This command is not given to those who are
born of the Spirit. not children of God. That does not mean that
If someone is born of the Spirit, a fit of rage these things are permissible for unbelievers; it
is neither normal nor acceptable. So why do means that the unbelievers cannot possibly obey
Christians lose their tempers? If they are truly the command to rid themselves of them. They
Christians, they have accumulated many little can express anger and rage, but they cannot get
sins which they have not repented of, not con- rid of anger and rage without repentance. The un-
fessed, and consequently not received forgive- believer needs to repent of his sins to God, con-
ness for. This leaves them ready to give in to a little fess that Jesus Christ is Lord, and believe in his
temptation with a big fit of rage. David describes heart that Christ died for his sins and rose from
the buildup this way: “Keep your servant also the dead.
from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then
He told them, “This is what is written: The Mes-
will I be blameless, innocent of great transgres-
siah will suffer and rise from the dead on the third
sion” (Psalm 19:13). Notice that the description is day, and repentance for the forgiveness of sins will
one of prevention. The Christian who is given to be preached in his name to all nations, beginning
fits of rage has not been eager to be kept from will- at Jerusalem.” (Luke 24:46–47)
ful sins. He has allowed them to rule over him.
If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and
Then he ends up guilty of great transgression.
believe in your heart that God raised him from the
It is not possible to prevent fits of rage without
dead, you will be saved. (Rom. 10:9)
complete confession and repentance of all your
previous fits of rage. This confession must be
made without any euphemisms to minimize the
sin, and it must also include the willful sins that
led up to the fits of rage. STUDY GUIDE
“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual
set your hearts on things above, where Christ is immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and
seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, self-
things above, not on earthly things. For you died, ish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunken-
and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. ness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before,
When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you that those who live like this will not inherit the king-
dom of God. (Gal. 5:19–21)
also will appear with him in glory” (Col. 3:1–4).
This instruction is foundational for the preven-
Discussion Questions
tion of rage, anger, and any other sins that cling
1. Galatians 5:19–21 provides us with a list of vices
so closely. It only works if you are a Christian, be-
that hinder us from developing a closer relation-
cause only a Christian can obey it. ship with the Lord. There is a phrase that says,
Once our hearts and minds are in the right “those that live like this.” That is a statement of
place with Christ, we are given this instruction: normality. If fits of rage or any of the other sins in
“But now you must rid yourselves of all such the list are normal for you, you will not inherit the
things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and kingdom of God. What vices are hindering you?
filthy language from your lips” (Col. 3:8).

H ow to be F ree F rom B itterness 21

2. If we belong to Jesus Christ, what have we done 5. Colossians 3:8 commands us to rid ourselves of
with the sinful nature (Gal. 5:24)? what things?

A fit of rage is an act of the sinful nature. We may call 6. Colossians 3:9 gives the “why” and the “how.”
it a temper tantrum in children and “losing it” or “go- What are they?
ing ballistic” as we get older. These euphemisms are
7. There is a difference between indicative state-
descriptive, but they do not change the fact that this
ments and imperatives. Indicative is what is. An
is sin. It is an act that is normal for non-Christians. It
imperative is a command to do. Is Galatians 5:24
is not acceptable or normal for Christians. If the first
an indicative or an imperative?
list (Gal. 5:19–21) describes you better, then you have
every reason to believe you are not in Christ. Jesus Once we crucify our evil desires, the Holy Spirit can
Christ does a better job of saving than that. If you are produce in us the character traits that are found in
in both lists, then it is imperative that you get out of the nature of Christ. (Gal. 5:22–23)
the first list by confessing and forsaking.
The Next Step: Responding to God’s Word
3. What topic or situation seems to push your button
every time it happens? Reflect on areas in your life that hinder the Holy
Spirit from working in you. Respond by letting God
4. What can we do to prevent fits of rage from build- take control. “Remain in me, and I will remain in you.
ing inside us (Psalm 19:12–13)? No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in
the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain
in me” (John 15:4).

22 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

 TA K I N G O F F E N S E
Heather Wilson Torosyan

Love is...not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (1 Cor. 13:4–5)

W
e know from James’ epistle that if a One way to do this is by looking at the example
man can control his tongue he is well- of Christ. “He was despised and forsaken of men,
nigh perfect, capable of controlling a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief, and like
his whole body. The difficulty is that there are so one from whom men hide their face. He was de-
many imperfect people who have not yet learned spised, and we did not esteem Him . . . . He was op-
to bridle the tongue. In the meanwhile, people are pressed and He was afflicted, yet He did not open
being hurt right and left by what other people say. His mouth” (Is. 53:3, 9). Any of us in this same posi-
It is not only the tongue that can hurt, but also tion would consider that we had every right to be
the actions. So not only must all our friends and hurt. If that’s the way they are going to be, see if
acquaintances bridle their tongues; they must I’m ever going to 1) speak to them again, 2) be nice
likewise apply this know-how to their bodies. to them again, 3) forgive them, or 4) die for them.
For some reason, we put all responsibility on Yet if this had been our Lord’s reaction, He would
the offender rather than the offended. I have no never have gone to the cross. Granted, this was an
intention of excusing an uncontrolled tongue. exceptional case. He did have all the power of God
The tongue must be controlled. But until it is, do at His disposal. He is perfect, and we are not.
I have a right to be hurt? Must I remain suscep-
Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in
tible to hurt feelings until everyone else is per- Christ Jesus who, although He existed in the form
fect? It seems to me the less efficient of two ways of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to
to achieve the same result. be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form
We would like to have people be so nice to us all of a bond servant and being made in the likeness
the time that there would never be an occasion for of men. And being found in appearance as a man,
us to be hurt. Obviously, this is unrealistic, so what He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the
point of death, even death on a cross. (Phil. 2:5–8)
I am suggesting is that the offended toughen up.*
We should have a like mind to Christ in these
* “Toughen up” does not mean to build a wall or some oth- four aspects:
er defense mechanism to keep from getting hurt. That does
not work; that only makes you become hard and calloused. • Don’t grasp onto your identity or your
It does mean to follow Jesus as an example, as in 1 Peter rights.
2:21. Jesus stayed vulnerable. The best way to keep from • Empty yourself.
getting hurt is to follow Jesus and stay vulnerable. That per-
son stays soft. He does not become hardened. The best way • Be a servant.
to “toughen up” is to stay open and take it. It hurts less. - J.W. • Be humble.

T a k ing O ffense 23
 With such an attitude, we can also endure all STUDY GUIDE
sorts of crosses for the joy that awaits on the oth-
He was despised and rejected by men, a man of
er side, thinking nothing of the shame attached
sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from
(Heb. 12:2). whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we
Normally those closest to us are the ones who esteemed him not...He was oppressed and afflicted,
can hurt us the most. A stranger has much less ca- yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb
pacity for hurting us than a husband, wife, friend, to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is
brother, or sister. When wounded by someone silent, so he did not open his mouth. (Isa. 53:3, 7)
close, we tell ourselves, “If he really loved me, he
Discussion Questions
wouldn’t say that.” But analyzing this statement
reveals whom we are really thinking about. Are 1. Describe a time when you were accused and pun-
ished for something you did not do.
we thinking about the lack of love in the other
person and how he needs help? No, we are think- 2. Did you become bitter or better because of this
ing how his lack of love affects us. In other words, experience?
we are conceited—thinking about self and how
3. How is it possible to be like-minded with Christ
everyone else’s action relates to us.
when someone has wronged you (Phil. 2:5–8)?
A very favorite passage on love is 1 Corinthians
13. It says love is “not self-seeking, it is not easily 4. List the characteristics of love (1 Cor. 13:4–5).
angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” When we feel hurt, it is because there is no ready
When we feel hurt, it is because there is no forgiveness in our hearts.
ready forgiveness in our hearts. Forgiveness,
5. How are we asked to deal with those who hurt us
by nature, does not keep a record of wrongs. In
(Rom. 12:17–21)?
Ephesians 4:32, a well-known but rarely practiced
verse, Paul tells us to “be kind and compassion-
The Next Step: Responding to God’s Word
ate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in
Christ God forgave you.” We must forgive as we Reflect on God’s instructions in 1 Corinthians 13:4–5.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does
have been forgiven. Remember 70 x 7. There is no
not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-
limit to the command, and certainly none to the
seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of
Lord’s ability to forgive. wrongs. If we are to be imitators of Christ, then we
Considering that for every temptation the Lord must ask God to fill us with His strength and grace,
provides a way of escape, there is no reason any of enabling us to forgive from the heart. Respond to
us should ever be hurt again. That sounds like a those who offend you with the same compassion and
tall order, I know, and many would say it is impos- forgiveness God gives you.
sible. But it is my belief that if the Lord promised a
way of escape, each time it will be there.

24 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

 BRIDLING THE TONGUE
Chris Vlachos

All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind,
but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. (James 3:7–8)

S
ome time ago, a magnetic storm occurred Unfortunately, it is often difficult to detect gos-
in New York state that caused a conversa- sip/slander in ourselves. How can we know if we
tion on a telephone line to interfere with are gossips? There are four questions to ask our-
the radio waves emitted from a nearby radio sta- selves when we are tempted to share information
tion. As a result, the conversation was broadcast concerning someone else. The answers to these
on the radio without the knowledge of the two questions will likely indicate whether or not we
talkers. It was a coast-to-coast program! are gossiping/slandering.
All of us have been guilty of gossip at one time 1. Why am I saying this? Is my real motive to criti-
or another. In fact, there is enough gossip in many cize? Am I really out to help the person about
a church to make the recording angel weep as he whom I am speaking, or is my goal to hurt
records it. It is a sinful practice which God takes them? Often under the guise of sharing a prayer
seriously and wants us to stop. request we are really gossiping. We often ratio-
Paul speaks of gossip in 1 Timothy 3:11: “Women nalize our gossip when our real aim is to put the
must likewise be dignified, not malicious gossips, other person down in order to cast ourselves in
but temperate, faithful in all things.” Lest we think a better light. Be careful how you answer this
that men are immune to this disease, Paul similarly first question. If you catch yourself trying to jus-
addresses them in his second letter to Timothy, pre- tify or to excuse something negative that you
dicting that in the last days men will be, “unloving, are about to say concerning someone, you are
irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-con- probably on the threshold of slander.
trol, brutal, haters of good” (2 Tim. 3:3). The Greek
2. Is it possible that there is another side to the story?
word which Paul uses in these two instances is the
Webster defines gossip as “spreading rumors.” A
word diabolos, from which we derive our word “dev-
rumor is an unauthenticated story. If our story is
il.” We don’t need to consult our calendar of saints
unauthenticated, we are gossiping. It has been
to know who the patron saint of gossip is! A gossiper
said that it isn’t the people who tell all they know
is nothing more than “the devil’s mailman.”
that cause most of the trouble in the church, it is
Diabolos is also at times translated “slanderer.”
the ones who tell more than they know.
Gossip is slander. In 2 Timothy 3, Paul places gos-
sip in the middle of a list of other vicious practices. 3. Would I feel comfortable saying this to Jesus?
Clearly, the serious nature of gossip is indicated. How would He answer us after we shared with

B ridling the T ongue 25

 Him some negative information concerning wasps in the sanctuary, may this diabolical pest,
another? Very likely He would respond by ask- gossip, become extinct in our churches.
ing us what relevance the information has to “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is
our following Him (John 21:22). If you wouldn’t noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, what-
be comfortable sharing the tale with the Lord, ever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything
then the information is probably unsuitable to is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such
share with anyone else. things” (Phil. 4:8).
4. Am I building up the person I’m speaking to by
STUDY GUIDE
sharing this? Charles Spurgeon once said that
gossip “emits a three-fold poison; it injures the But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last
teller, the hearer, and the person concerning days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of
whom the tale is told.” We should be very care- money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their
ful to heed Paul’s exhortation: “Do not let any parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving,
slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of
unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,
good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure
but only what is helpful for building others up
rather than lovers of God. (2 Tim. 3:3–4)
according to their needs, that it may benefit
those who listen” (Eph. 4:29). Discussion Questions
1. What does Ephesians 4:29 have to say about
The answers to these four questions will help gossip?
us to detect gossip/slander. If after asking your-
self these questions, you are still not sure if what 2. Paul speaks of malicious gossip in 1 Timothy 3:11
and 2 Timothy 3:3. What is the definition for
you are about to share is gossip, then don’t say it.
each of these words?
Is it really necessary that you do?
One last thought: How can we stop this sinful Malicious:
habit of gossiping that not only plagues our lives but Gossip:
invades and destroys churches? The cure for gossip
3. Who is the patron saint of gossip?
is twofold. First, don’t spread it. Gossip is something
that goes in one ear and out the mouth. Bridle your 4. List four questions we can ask ourselves when we
tongue! If you can’t say anything good about some- are tempted to share information concerning an-
other person.
body, then don’t say anything at all. Second, don’t
listen to it! You can’t have gossiping tongues unless 5. What is Paul’s cure for gossip and other forms of
there are gossiping ears. Don’t encourage the gos- malice (Eph. 4:31–32)?
siper. Don’t be quick to believe what is said. Steer
the conversation to a discussion of the person’s The Next Step: Responding to God’s Word

good points. Nothing will more quickly stop the God asks us to set aside time to meet with Him each
gossiper/slanderer than doing this. day. Ask Him to renew your mind, refresh your spirit,
and provide you with the strength needed to be like-
It has been said that gossip has neither legs or
minded with Christ. Then respond by allowing God’s
wings but is composed entirely of “tales.” Sadly,
love to guide what you say and how you think. “May
most of these tales sting and have a poisonous ef- the words of my mouth and the meditation of my
fect on the work of revival in a life or a church. heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and
Although we are bothered from time to time by my Redeemer” (Psalm 19:14).

26 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

 INTROSPECTION
Jim Wilson

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another,
and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. (1 John 1:7)

I
ntrospection is the act or practice of meditat- THE CONVICTION OF THE JUDGE
ing on our own past actions and emotions.
Introspection says things like “How awful!” “How
This meditation brings these things to our
gross!” “The Lord won’t have me now.” “If I were God,
attention, and we focus on them and evaluate
I would not forgive me.” Introspection is a downer,
ourselves in the light of our flickering meditative
not an upper. It is accusative, not convicting.
candle. Because many people consider our past
In a court of law, there is a difference between
(either distant or recent) to be the cause or expla-
the accuser and the convicter. The accuser is the
nation of our present actions and emotions, intro-
prosecuting attorney, and the convicter is the
spection is often encouraged. Even where it is not
judge. The prosecuting attorney seeks to prove
encouraged by others, it is practiced regularly by
guilt, and the judge decides if it has been proven.
many Christians.
Once the judge makes his decision, the trial is
Introspection is not like walking in the sun-
over. However, the prosecutor will continue to say
light on a summer day. Instead, it is like going
the person is guilty even if the judge says he is not.
down dungeon steps with a sputtering candle
In the Bible, Satan is the accuser. The Holy
in your hand. The tiny light throws long shad-
Spirit is the convicter.
ows and dimly shows up skeletons, spider webs,
and gross, crawly things. These are the things
in our past which have been done to us or which
THE PERFECT LIGHT
we have done and are ashamed of. They include The alternative to introspection and its negative
our imagination. results is found in 1 John 1:5–10. I will quote vers-
A person who is addicted to introspection es 5 and 7: “This is the message we have heard
keeps going deeper into this dead dungeon or from him and declare to you: God is light; in him
inspects the same skeletons over and over again. there is no darkness at all . . . . But if we walk in
The candle is not a very good light and never pro- the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship
vides a solution to his awful, macabre past. The with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son,
fascination with this subject matter is never a purifies us from all sin.”
source of joy. It is a cause of depression. It is prob- This light is the source of all light. It is not a
ably the primary cause of depression in people candle flickering in the darkness. There are no
with melancholic, perfectionist personalities. shadows. James 1:17 says: “Every good and perfect

I ntros p ection 27
gift is from above, coming down from the Father You may say that you have never been forgiven
of the heavenly lights, who does not change like that fast. Perhaps you’ve felt that way because of
shifting shadows.” the accuser instead of the convicter/cleanser. The
Given that this light is complete, if we walk in accuser does not want anyone to be forgiven.
it, nothing is hidden. Sin is shown in convicting
power as opposed to accusing power. The sin is WA LK I N G I N TH E LI G HT
forgiven immediately, because the blood of Jesus
Next time you find yourself tending towards in-
keeps on cleansing. Fellowship is normal, be-
trospection, refuse to do it. Instead, come to the
cause we are in the light, and we are made clean
light. How? Pray Psalm 139:23–24: “Search me, O
continually. Obedience is a natural result of the
God, and know my heart; test me and know my
conviction and cleansing.
anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way
There is a wonderful example of this kind of
in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
conviction-cleansing-fellowship-obedience in
Look up, not in. You do not have to look for sin.
Isaiah 6:1–8:
You will find sin much more quickly, starkly, and
In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord with a solution attached if you come to God and
seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the the completed work of Jesus Christ.
train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were
seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they
covered their faces, with two they covered their
STUDY GUIDE
feet, and with two they were flying. And they were
calling to one another: “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Sin forgiven is not the same as sin suppressed. Intro-
Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.” At the spection seeks to remember in detail the sins of the
sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds past and tends to worry about the future. Paul said,
shook and the temple was filled with smoke. “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what
“Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for
man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Jesus said, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,
Lord Almighty.” for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has
Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live enough trouble of its own.” Forgetting the past is not
coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs suppression of sin if the past has been forgiven.
from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and Walking in the light is a present-tense activity. It does
said, “See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is not dwell in the past or in the future. It listens to
taken away and your sin atoned for.” the convicter, not the accuser. It receives cleansing
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, and responds with obedience. “Search me, O God,
“Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” and know my heart; test me and know my anxious
And I said, “Here am I. Send me!” thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and
lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23–24).
It was not introspection that made Isaiah con-
scious of his sin; it was being in the presence of Discussion Questions
God. He was in the light. He could not keep quiet
1. What is introspection?
about his sin; he could not hide. As soon as he
confessed his sin, he was forgiven. As soon as he 2. List the dangers of introspection.
was forgiven, he was ready to be obedient.

28 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

The fascination with this subject matter is never a The Next Step: Responding to God’s Word
source of joy. It is a cause of depression. Reflect on how you have dealt with past issues that
have been done to you or that you have done and are
3. What is the alternative to introspection (1 John ashamed of. Give these skeletons of sin to the Lord.
1:5–10 and James 1:17)? Ask forgiveness, knowing it is immediate and com-
This is the message we have heard from him and de- plete because the blood of Jesus keeps on cleans-
clare to you; God is light and in him there is no dark- ing. Respond by walking in the light, allowing you to
ness at all” (1 John 1:5). be all Christ has in mind for you. “Brothers, I do not
consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one
4. How does the light that God provides differ from thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining to-
the light provided from introspection? ward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win
the prize for which God has called me heavenward in
5. How does David look for sin in his life (Psalm
Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:13)
139:23–24)?

I ntros p ection 29
 HOW TO RECEIVE BITTERNESS
(HOW TO HANDLE BITTERNESS AGAINST YOU)

Jim Wilson

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. (Rom. 12:14)

H
ow can we prevent others from being bit- unbeliever invites you to a meal and you want
ter towards us? to go, eat whatever is put before you without
raising questions of conscience. But if someone
Now about food sacrificed to idols: We know says to you, “This has been offered in sacrifice,”
that “We all possess knowledge.” But knowl- then do not eat it, both for the sake of the one
edge puffs up while love builds up. Those who told you and for the sake of conscience. I
who think they know something do not yet am referring to the other person’s conscience,
know as they ought to know. But whoever not yours. For why is my freedom being judged
loves God is known by God. So then, about by another’s conscience? If I take part in the meal
eating food sacrificed to idols: We know that with thankfulness, why am I denounced because
“An idol is nothing at all in the world” and of something I thank God for? So whether you eat
that “There is no God but one” . . . . Be care- or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory
ful, however, that the exercise of your rights of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether
does not become a stumbling block to the Jews, Greeks or the church of God—even as I try to
weak. For if someone with a weak con- please everyone in every way. For I am not seeking
science sees you, with all your knowledge, my own good but the good of many, so that they
eating in an idol’s temple, won’t that person may be saved. (1 Cor. 10:23–24, 27–33)
be emboldened to eat what is sacrificed
to idols? So this weak brother or sister, for Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not
whom Christ died, is destroyed by your curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with
knowledge. When you sin against them in those who mourn. Live in harmony with one an-
this way and wound their weak conscience, other. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate
you sin against Christ. Therefore, if what I with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do
eat causes my brother or sister to fall into not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what
sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far
not cause them to fall. (1 Cor. 8:1–4, 9–13) as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do
not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for
“I have the right to do anything,” you say— God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I
but not everything is beneficial. “I have the will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your
right to do anything”—but not everything enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him
is constructive. No one should seek their something to drink. In doing this, you will heap
own good, but the good of others . . . . If an

30 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

 burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by If the bitter person thinks that you owe him
evil, but overcome evil with good. (Rom. 12:14–21) money, determine whether it is true. If it is, pay
What if someone else is already bitter against him the full amount plus 20 percent.
you? Among your relatives, friends, and acquain- The Lord said to Moses: “If anyone sins and is
tances, there are three types of people: those unfaithful to the Lord by deceiving a neighbor
whom you are very close with, with no obstruc- about something entrusted to them or left in
tions between you; those that you think have their care or about something stolen, or if they
sinned against you; and those who think you have cheat their neighbor, or if they find lost property
and lie about it, or if they swear falsely about any
sinned against them. If someone is bitter towards
such sin that people may commit—when they sin
you, it is probably someone close—a relative,
in any of these ways and realize their guilt, they
friend (or former friend), or co-worker. What they
must return what they have stolen or taken by
hold against you may be something imaginary, a extortion, or what was entrusted to them, or the
misunderstanding, or a sin you are really guilty of. lost property they found, or whatever it was they
The Scripture has something to say about this: swore falsely about. They must make restitution
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the al- in full, add a fifth of the value to it and give it all
tar and there remember that your brother or sister to the owner on the day they present their guilt
has something against you, leave your gift there offering.” (Lev. 6:1–5)
in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to
If you do not owe him the money, find out how
them; then come and offer your gift” (Matt. 5:23–
much he expects from you, double the amount,
24). We don’t take gifts to the altar any more, but
and give it to him. “And if anyone wants to sue
there are other things we do that are coming to the
you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as
Lord. The most obvious is the Lord’s Supper. You
well” (Matt. 5:40).
come to the Lord in this special remembrance,
If he has taken offense about something you
and 1 Corinthians 11 tells us to do it properly.
said or did that was not sin, do not apologize or
“Properly” means that your heart must be clean.
say you are sorry for it. That is a humanistic solu-
You come with your sins already forgiven, so you
tion and will not fix the problem. You would be
can observe it in real worship to God.
apologizing for his taking offense. You would be
Three things stand out in this passage: 1) You
apologizing for his sin. Giving offence is some-
know that your brother has something against
times sin. Taking offense is always sin.
you. 2) You need to be reconciled with your broth-
If someone is bitter against you, go to him. You
er. 3) You are not to present your offering to God
don’t have the option of not going. This is basic,
until reconciliation is accomplished.
groundwork Christianity.
How do you be reconciled? First, go to him.
“But he won’t listen.”
If you know what the problem is, and it is some-
How do you know he won’t?
thing you can fix by confessing to God and to your
“My attitude’s so bad, I’ll fix it so he won’t listen.”
brother, do it. If you do not know what the prob-
Spend time with the Lord before you go.
lem is, ask him. If it is a legitimate charge, confess
What about the opposite case, where someone
it to God and to him and ask for his forgiveness.
has sinned against you? Matthew 18 addresses
If it is a misunderstanding or a rumor that is not
this. “If your brother sins, go and point out his
true, explain it to him.
fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to

H ow to R ecei v e B itterness 31
you, you have won him over” (Matt. 18:15). If he The times when people have come to me like
has something against you, go to him. If you have this or I’ve gone to them, it has made all the dif-
something against him, go to him. In both cases, ference in the world—we reconciled!
you do the going. One of the basic teachings in Scripture is be-
When you go to be reconciled with your broth- ing eager to maintain the unity of the saints in
er, how do you go? If he has sinned against you, the bond of peace. Some of the reconciling you
you may not go to him with an accusatory attitude do may be with non-Christian friends, but a lot
or accusatory words. The object of this process is of it is within the church of Jesus Christ. It may
reconciliation. When you go with an accusation, not be within the same church, but between two
your object obviously is not reconciliation, and I churches: in fact, that may be the reason they are
can guarantee he won’t listen to you. two churches—because they split over attitudes.
The last verse of Matthew 18 says, “This is how People are unwilling to tell the other person he
my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless is wrong kindly or admit that they are wrong
you forgive your brother or sister from your heart” kindly, humbly. And yet it is basic Christianity.
(Matt. 18:35). That is right after the “seventy times If they have something against you, go to them.
seven” passage. It doesn’t say to forgive him if he Reconciliation is primary.
repents seventy times seven, but if he has sinned If none of these things seems to work, then the
against you seventy times seven. Four hundred bitter person is the one who needs the help. If he
and ninety times you go to him with forgiveness is still bitter after you go to him, someone else
in your heart. You bring his sin to attention, but should minister to him. If you try to help him, he
your heart is forgiving. The object is to get him to may just get more bitter. Do not get bitter in re-
repent, and you cannot do that with a belliger- turn. Do not lose your joy because your brother
ent attitude. You go to him for his sake. If he has is in sin. Love him, pray for him, and take his ac-
sinned against you, he is in trouble. cusations with joy.
Recently, I was talking to someone in this
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute
situation. I said, “If you did what you think this
you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you
other person did, how would you feel?” (I find because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great
myself asking this question fairly often.) is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they
He said, “I’d feel awful.” persecuted the prophets who were before you.
“Oh! So he must feel awful!” I asked him, (Matt. 5:11–12)
“When do you hurt the most: when someone sins
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not
against you, or when you sin?”
curse. (Rom. 12:14)
“I hurt the most when I sin.”
“This brother sinned against you. He must be Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do
hurting a lot. Go to him for his sake, not for your what is right in the eyes of everybody . . . . On the
contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he
sake.”
is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing
When you go with forgiveness, it turns out to
this, you will heap burning coals on his head.
be for both your sakes. Go with forgiveness in
(Rom. 12:17, 20)
your heart, not in your mouth. If it’s in your heart,
it will get in your mouth, too, but you can put it in It is possible that the bitter person is not saved.
your mouth without it being real. In that case, he may not be able to forgive you or to

32 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

get rid of his bitterness. What he needs is the Lord STUDY GUIDE
Jesus Christ. What should you do for his salvation?
Bless those who persecute you: bless and do not
• Live a godly life that cannot honestly be curse. (Rom. 12-14)
criticized.
Discussion Questions
• Love him in such a way that he knows that
1. Do you have someone in your life that is bitter
you love him.
against you? If so, what steps have you taken to
• Follow the instructions in 2 Timothy 2:23– restore this relationship?
26: “Don’t have anything to do with foolish
2. Why is it important to address bitterness against
and stupid arguments, because you know you as soon as possible (Matt. 5:23-24 and Heb.
they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s ser- 12:14)?
vant must not be quarrelsome but must be
3. Matthew 18:15-19 provides a biblical model for
kind to everyone, able to teach, not resent-
addressing bitterness and restoring a relationship
ful. Opponents must be gently instructed,
between believers. How can you apply Jesus’ in-
in the hope that God will grant them re- structions for reconciliation in your life?
pentance leading them to a knowledge of
the truth, and that they will come to their 4. Restoring a relationship requires seeking God’s
wisdom in prayer, humility, and a sincere desire to
senses and escape from the trap of the
reconcile. As believers in Christ, how should we
devil, who has taken them captive to do
address grievances against each other (Col. 3:13)?
his will.”
5. Why does the Bible teach us to “bless those who
• Follow the instructions in Acts 26:15–18:
persecute you” even if the bitter person refuses to
“Then I asked, ‘Who are you, Lord?’ ‘I am
listen (Rom. 12:14-21, Eph. 4:31-5:2 )?
Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ the Lord
replied. ‘Now get up and stand on your
The Next Step: Responding to God’s Word
feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you
Reflect on a relationship that you know needs to be
as a servant and as a witness of what you
restored. Ask God for wisdom, strength, and courage
have seen and will see of me. I will rescue
as you seek to reconcile this relationship. Respond in
you from your own people and from the love as God provides opportunities for healing. “Make
Gentiles. I am sending you to them to open every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through
their eyes and turn them from darkness to the bond of peace” (Eph. 4:3).
light, and from the power of Satan to God,
so that they may receive forgiveness of sins
and a place among those who are sancti-
fied by faith in me.’”

If you follow these instructions, you will no

longer be the person that he is bitter towards. You
will have become his spiritual parent.

H ow to R ecei v e B itterness 33
 R E L AT I O N S H I P S W I T H PA R E N T S
Jim Wilson

Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long
in the land the Lord your God is giving you. (Exod. 20:12)

O
f the many talks I frequently give, those Yet you ask, “Why does the son not share the guilt of
which have received the most favor- his father?” Since the son has done what is just and
able response and the most fruitful ap- right and has been careful to keep all my decrees,
he will surely live. The soul who sins is the one who
plication among young and old alike are “How
will die. The son will not share the guilt of the father,
to Be Free from Bitterness” and “Relationships
nor will the father share the guilt of the son. The
with Parents.” Right now, I am sitting in a study
righteousness of the righteous man will be credited
room at the Illinois Street Residence Hall at the to him, and the wickedness of the wicked will be
University of Illinois. Last week, at Urbana ’93, I charged against him. (Ezek. 18:19–20)
conducted a workshop on relationships with par-
ents. Only about 50 students attended the work- When we read in Deuteronomy 5:10, “pun-
shop. The shock, the incredulity, the rebellion, ishing the children for the sin of the fathers to
and the impossibility of putting this teaching the third and fourth generation of those who
into effect showed in the tears, the questions, the hate me,” we could conclude that this is not just.
comments, and the follow-up conversations. That However, throughout the entire eighteenth chap-
is why I am here writing it down. ter of Ezekiel, we see that children are not held
I would first like to draw your attention to two responsible for the sins of their fathers. So what
passages in the Old Testament. I will comment on is the second commandment saying? It is saying
them, then make a few suggestions for applying that sin flows downhill. The sinful influence of
these Scriptures in your life. our ancestors affects us, overlapping and passing
through several generations. This is generational
You shall not make for yourself an idol in the bad news.
form of anything in heaven above or on the earth
However, the sentence does not end with verse
beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow
9; it continues with “but showing love to thou-
down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your
sands who love me and keep my commandments.”
God, am a jealous God, punishing the children
for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth The word “thousands” is really “thousands of gen-
generation of those who hate me, but showing erations,” in contrast to three or four generations.
love to thousands who love me and keep my com- How do we know it is “thousands of generations”?
mandments. (Deut. 5:8–10) First, it is the only way the sentence makes sense,

34 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

and, second, two chapters later we have an explicit Notice that to stop the curse from happening,
statement to that effect: “Know therefore that the hearts must be turned both ways. Although most
Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keep- of my illustrations are speaking to and about chil-
ing his covenant of love to a thousand generations dren, I am really speaking to parents about their
of those who love him and keep his commands” relationship with their own parents. If you are a
(Deut. 7:9). Sin and hatred of God cause the down- Christian parent, turn your heart toward your par-
ward movement to three or four generations, and ents, and turn your heart toward your children.
obedience and love of God cause the upward Now look at the second instance where the Ten
movement to a thousand generations. Commandments speak of generations. “Honor
I have heard this many times: “I decided I was your father and mother, as the Lord your God has
not going to be the kind of father (or mother) who commanded you, so that you may live long and
raised me. I would become a Christian, marry a that it may go well with you in the land the Lord
Christian, and do it right. I became a Christian, your God is giving you” (Deut. 5:16).
married a Christian, and I am doing it wrong, just Application is next: love God (Deut. 5:9); obey
like my parents. I am in the second bad-news gener- God (Deut. 5:9); honor your father and mother
ation; do I have to wait for two more bad generations (Deut. 5:16); and turn your hearts to your fathers
before it is possible to turn this descent around?” (Mal. 4:5–6).
No, you do not have to wait, but unless you Because we have not obeyed the two passages
change your relationship with your parents and in the Ten Commandments, we may be in the
grandparents you will have to wait two more third- and fourth-generation promise, and we
generations. Becoming a Christian and preach- will not live long on the earth (cf. Eph. 6:1). The
ing the gospel to your parents does not change land is in danger of being smitten with a curse.
the relationship. Home, with parents, is one of The Malachi text is a call to repentance, a turn-
the places where Christians think that they are around of the heart.
allowed to lose their temper. That makes the re- Here are a few suggestions on how to have a
lationship get worse. heart repentance that will 1) stop the curse, 2)
About 400 years before Christ, the prophet cause long life, and 3) turn the three or four gen-
Malachi gave a negative conditional prophecy. It is erations of bad news around to a thousand gen-
found in the last two verses in the Old Testament. erations of good news.
“See, I will send you the prophet Elijah before the First, there are a few things that are very impor-
great and dreadful day of the Lord comes. He will tant in this turnaround, though they alone bring
turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, no automatic guarantee of halting the curse.
and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or
1. Become a Christian. Without a conversion to
else I will come and strike the land with a curse”
Christ, it is impossible to love and obey God.
(Mal. 4:5– 6).
The angel Gabriel alludes to this prophecy in 2. Marry a Christian. Without a Christian mar-
Luke 1:17: “And he [John] will go on before the riage, you have no assurance that you will have
Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the Christian children.
hearts of the fathers to their children and the dis- 3. Stay married: “To the married I give this com-
obedient to the wisdom of the righteous, to make mand . . . . A wife must not separate from her
ready a people prepared for the Lord.”

R elationships with P arents 35

 husband . . . and a husband must not divorce are forgiven, choose to respect him. You may ask,
his wife” (1 Cor. 7:10–11). “How? He is not respectable.” Respect has noth-
Without these three, you can expect more bad ing to do with the respectableness of the person
generations. However, with them, the bad genera- to be respected. It has to do with the respecter
tions may still happen. Why? Because your prior and the respecter’s close fellowship with and obe-
generations still affect you and your children. dience to God.
Leaving your father and mother and cleaving to Now with freedom and sincerity, write to your
your wife does not mean that you have turned father how much you respect him in this second
your heart to your father. Until you do, you are paragraph.
asking for another generation of bad news. You 3. In the third paragraph, tell him how much you
cannot expect to be a good husband or a good love him. If you do not love him, that has to be
father if you have not turned your heart to your corrected first. Your reply may be, “He did not
own father. love me, so I do not love him.” It is true that, as
In turning your heart to your father, four ele- a father, he should have loved you so that your
ments are necessary. Preaching the gospel to him response would have been a loving response.
is not one of them; do not do so, for this subverts But we cannot go back to childhood and start
his authority over you. Instead, you may write over. Even if we could, that does not guaran-
a letter him that conveys each of these four ele- tee that your father would do it any different
ments. I recommend covering one element per the second time. We address the problem from
paragraph as follows: where we are, not from where we should be.
1. If you have confessed to God your previous You are now an adult, and as a Christian you
rebellion to your father or mother, also con- have unlimited access to love and forgiveness.
fess it to your earthly father with no excuses If you do not have this access, there is a very
or accusations. real possibility that you are not a Christian. As
a Christian, you may have to confess this lack
2. Tell your father how much you respect him. If
of love for your father to God. Is it sin? Yes, it is
you do not respect him, of course you cannot
sin. It is disobedience to the command of God.
write it without being hypocritical. But you
We have been commanded to love our neigh-
must write it. How?
bors, love the brothers, and love our enemies. If
First confess to God this disrespect for your you do not think your father fits in one of these
father. “Why should I? He has not earned it!” The categories, then perhaps you should study the
Scripture says, “Honor your father and mother.” It unconditional quality of love and the biblical
does not say “only if they deserve it.” Your father relationship of obedience and love.
is to be honored because he is your father. You are
After you have confessed and have been forgiv-
commanded to honor him. This is not optional. If
en, choose to love your father. This love requires
you do not honor him, then you have sinned. The
expression, so tell him in this paragraph.
same is true with your mother. Sin is forgivable,
and repentance is required. 4. The next paragraph is the place to express
After you have confessed your disrespect or your gratefulness to him. If you are not grate-
lack of honor for your father, and you are sure you ful, then as with respect and love, it is your

36 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

 problem, not his. The procedure is the same. and children, I still need my father, and you need
Confess your unthankfulness to God. When me. That’s why I am here hugging you. I thought
you are forgiven, express your thankfulness to I would prime the pump. I’m giving to receive.”
your father. Adjust this example to fit you.
When your parents receive these two letters,
These four elements are necessary and re-
several things will probably happen. The letter
quired. The next two are suggestions for further
will be read more than once, it will not be thrown
ways to convey respect.
away, and you will receive some sort of favorable
5. Ask your father to tell you or write you his auto- response. If you do not receive a response, do not
biography, his life history. He might not do it, think that you did something wrong. Be patient
but he will be glad you want to know about him. and keep on giving. Some cultures (e.g. those of
Northern Europe) are not expressive with their
6. Ask him for advice and counsel, in general and
emotions, except for lost tempers. This kind of
on specific matters. This is part of honor.
expression from you may be embarrassing for
Write the same kind of letter to your mother, your parents. But they still want to receive this
but with one change. The first paragraph should expressed love even if they do not know how to
express your love to her, and the second para- return it.
graph should communicate your respect for her. One man in his late fifties wrote this kind of
Both sexes of the human race need love and re- letter to his father. His mother replied. “I have
spect from both sexes. Of the two, women need been married to your father for sixty years. When
love more than they need respect, and men need he read your letter, that was the first time in our
respect more than they need love. However, each marriage I saw tears in his eyes.”
needs both, and they should not have to earn it in In the early 1980s, we held a summer school
order to receive it. of practical Christianity at Delta House of the
This letter should be followed up with other University of Idaho. About 40 students attended.
kind personal letters, hugs, and other physical Respect for parents was one of the subjects. The
expressions (e.g. handshakes, if they are warm, following fall, in a noon Bible class at Washington
firm, and exuberant). State University, I was teaching on the same sub-
The letter can be followed up with an explana- ject again. One of the students spoke up. He gave
tion, as long as the explanation does not include us a story that went something like this:
excuses or accusations. Here is a suggestion: “I learned this last summer at the Delta House.
“Dad, I know that you love me very much. You When I was sixteen, my father kicked me out of
have not been the best expresser of your love. So the house, saying that he would never see me
growing up I did not think you loved me. Even again. I left home. I later became a Christian and
now I have had to take it by faith. If you wondered married a Christian. Now I am a graduate student
why I was boy crazy from junior high through col- in economics at WSU. In the meantime, I had not
lege, it was because I was looking for male affec- seen my father. My parents were on the brink of
tion. Of course, I did not get it. I was getting taken. divorce, living in separate bedrooms at home (in
Now you are wondering about my letter to you one of the Great Plains states).
and all of the hugs you are getting from me when “When I learned this material, I wrote two let-
I come to visit. Although I now have a husband ters, one to my father and one to my mother. It

R elationships with P arents 37

took me several days to write each one, so they Discussion Questions
were sent several days apart. For some reason, 1. What does Deuteronomy 5:8–10 tell us about the
the letters arrived on the same day, and both my sins of our ancestors?
parents were at home. Seeing that the letters were
2. What does God promise to those who love Him
addressed separately, my mother took her letter
and keep His commandments (Deut. 5:10)?
to her room, and my father took his letter to his
room. After reading the letters, they exchanged 3. What needs to take place to stop the sins of the
them and went again to their separate rooms and father from being passed on from one generation
to the next (Mal. 4:5–6 and Luke 1:17)?
read. When they came out, my father had tears in
his eyes and said, ‘I’m flying out to Pullman to see Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God has
my son.’ I have seen my father since last summer, commanded you, so that you may live long and that it
and my parents’ marriage has been saved.” may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is
There are two problems, the heart problem giving you. (Deut. 5:16)
and the action problem. The heart problem is 4. What enables us to turn our hearts towards
first. Your unlove, your disrespect, your ungrate- our father or mother (Deut. 5:9, 16 and Malachi
fulness have to be taken care of in repentance 4:5–6)?
toward God. To write a letter without being for- 5. What steps can be taken towards developing a
given by God only ensures that your letter will be heart of repentance and turning the three or four
insincere and hypocritical. generations of bad news to a thousand genera-
You may have a long wait if you wait for your fa- tions of good news?
ther to turn to you first. You cannot afford the wait.
After you are clean, write the letters. Then con- The Next Step: Responding to God’s Word
tinue letter-writing, telephoning, and visiting, ex- Reflect on bitterness and anger that you have been un-
pressing respect, love, and thankfulness. able to let go of on your own. Ask God to enable you to
Doing these things will change you. You will be- give up the bitterness, give up the anger, and give up the
come a better husband, son, and father, or a better feelings of injustice to Him. Respond through confes-
sion, allowing your heart to be cleansed and renewed.
wife, daughter, and mother. Your love and obedi-
Then consider writing a letter using the four elements
ence will bring love for a thousand generations.
listed. “Know therefore that the Lord your God is God;
he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a
thousand generations of those who love him and keep
STUDY GUIDE his commands” (Deut. 7:9).

You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of

anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or
in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them
or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jeal-
ous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fa-
thers to the third and fourth generation of those who
hate me, but showing love to thousands who love me
and keep my commandments. (Deut. 5:8–10)

38 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

 S AT U R AT I O N L O V E
Jim Wilson

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over,
will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Luke 6:38)

G
od gives commands to love. These com- Now let’s apply this principle to raising chil-
mands are to be applied to wives, broth- dren. There are many different problems in rais-
ers, neighbors, aliens, and enemies. This ing children that require understanding and
love is the love that God had for us when Jesus applying biblical principles. Here are a few of
Christ died for us. It is sacrificial; its primary ex- these problems:
pression is giving. It is designed to be effective. It
• Lack of obedience
worked for our salvation.
Love requires an object, and love requires • Lack of effective discipline for disobedience
expression. “For God so loved the world that he • Lack of effective training and teaching
gave . . . ” (John 3:16). The world was love’s object, • Sibling rivalry and jealousy
and giving was love’s expression. This love was
• Attention-getting devices such as whining,
not half-hearted or reluctant or “almost enough.”
crying, and tantrums
It was complete and more than adequate for all
of the sins and sinners in this world. “But where • Signs of insecurity such as speaking loudly,
sin increased, grace increased all the more . . . ” warts, overweight, scratching, hitting, biting,
(Romans 5:20). picking at the body, and hand mannerisms
In obeying God’s commands to love, we are to Each of these subjects could fill a book; in fact,
love as He loved. That is unconditional and with- books have been written on each of them. You
out reserve or reluctance. We should have and give may have read some of them and implemented
more love to the person needing love so that his what you learned, and, with some of you, what
need for love is satisfied. You may think that that is you applied did not work. It is easy to draw the
impossible. This person is so starved for love that conclusion that the book was wrong. The book
loving him is like pouring water down a rat hole. may have been right, and your application may
You are convinced that you will run out of love have been right. What went wrong?
before this love-starved person is satiated. That Here is the principle mentioned earlier. I will
might be true if you are counting on him return- call it saturation love. Saturation love is different
ing love to meet your needs. But if you get refilled from adequate love, quality time, or quantity time.
by the Holy Spirit, you are never going to run out. It includes the last two plus undivided attention.

S aturation L ove 39
 Saturation means that maximum absorption “The last time I got any attention around here was
has been reached. A saturated solution is one where the last time I got spanked.” Disobedience be-
the solvent cannot dissolve anymore solute. For ex- comes his means for getting attention. Therefore,
ample, if you continue to add and stir sugar into a your training and teaching is ineffective if you are
glass of water, the water will eventually become sat- not giving your child enough love.
urated with sugar, meaning no more sugar will dis- The amount of sibling rivalry, competition,
solve in it. After the solution reaches the saturation selfishness, and jealousy is inversely proportional
point, any additional sugar will fall to the bottom to the love shown to your children. When all of
of the glass—the water cannot dissolve anymore. the kids are saturated with love, there will be little
It is the same with love. It is possible to saturate or no rivalry, squabbles, or fights. The more love,
someone with love so that any additional love is the less whining, disobedience, and jealousy, and
not received. It is not rejected; it is just not needed. the less crying and tantrums. Also, the more love,
Over the years, I asked audiences for a show of the sooner the child will become a Christian.
hands if they thought their parents loved them. “Or do you show contempt for the riches of his
Over 95% of the hands would go up. It was never kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing
100%, but it was always a high percentage. Then I that God’s kindness leads you toward repentance?”
asked this question of those who had raised their (Rom. 2:14). God’s means of leading us to repen-
hands: “Do you think that your parents expressed tance was to pour on the kindness and show us
this love to you adequately?” Only half of the hands tolerance and patience even when we were sinners.
stayed up. The third question was, “Of those of you How much more should we do this for our children!
who think your parents expressed their love for you What are our problems? We do not want to give
adequately, could you have used an even greater hugs and attention to a whiner. We do not want to
expression of love?” All of the hands remained up. endorse bad behavior. That is true, but doing this
is not endorsing bad behavior. It is curing it. This
1. No love
giving is not giving in to the child’s dictations,
2. Some love
but to his real need. His perception is more true
3. Adequate love
than your perception. The “whiner” is asking for
4. Even more love is wanted.
attention—loving attention. We will give a small
No one ever thought he received enough love baby attention when it cries. There may be noth-
from his parents. Their children will, if asked, say ing wrong; he is not hungry, wet, dirty, or sick; he
the same thing about them. just wants some loving. When the child is two or
What are the consequences of not getting three or nine or ten and asks for attention, we do
enough love? Disobedience is directly proportion- not want to give it. We do not think the child needs
al to the shortfall in love.* Even if administered it. Believe me, if he asks for it, he needs it. When
correctly, discipline for the disobedience is not ef- he is saturated, he will quit asking. (On the other
fective if the child is not loved enough. He thinks, hand, there are some children who need attention
but will not demand it. They need and receive even
* We know that the child is born with, and later practices, less than the demander. Because they are not de-
a sinful nature. This sinful nature is the primary reason for manding, you may think they are satisfied.)
his disobedience, and that changes at his conversion. Both
before and after conversion, his disobedience is affected
Our problem is that we run out of “give” before
by lack of love. the child runs out of demand. We think he will

40 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

never quit demanding our attention, so we quit since the second son was born, and now there are
giving it before we should quit. If we kept on giv- number three and number four. The only time he
ing the attention, we would find our child would gets attention is when he is bad. So he hits little
get satisfied. The child will get full, and conse- brothers in order to get attention. He picks his
quently he will be very secure and ask for very face because he is insecure. I guarantee that if
little in the years to come. This security is of cen- you pour loving attention on him with overkill,
tral importance in your child’s obedience to you. his face will clear up, and he will quit hitting his
Many years ago, there was a little boy who little brothers within two weeks.”
had warts on his left hand and arm. I think She said, “I don’t think I can do that.”
there were eighteen of them. He had had them “Why not?”
for many months. “I don’t even like him anymore.”
One day his father asked him, “Johnny would The parents confessed their sin and put this
you like me to pray to God to take away your warts?” into effect. The predicted results came true.
Johnny replied, “No, they are my friends; I play Another time, a father with a very active 12–
with them.” year-old son came to me for help. The son had had
His father knew that these warts were evidence extensive discipline for misbehaving on small
of the boy’s insecurity and that the insecurity was things and did not seem to have learned from the
the result of the father himself not giving his son discipline. He also had a difficult time getting
enough loving attention. The father made a deci- along with his peers. The parents were giving him
sion and followed through with much loving atten- a fair amount of love, attention, and time, but he
tion. The warts disappeared in a very short time. still would not receive correction or be repentant
Many years ago, I was close to a young family when spanked repeatedly.
who had four preschool boys ages one, two, three, I told the father that he could not pour on too
and four. One day the parents came to see me about much love. In desperation to see improvement,
their oldest son. He had two major problems that the father poured on the physical affection and
they did not seem able to correct. 1) He was hit- reduced the constant verbal correction of minor
ting each of his little brothers all day long. He was things. The father then took the boy to a men’s
corrected on each occurrence, either shouted at, retreat where he held the son in his arms for the
spanked, or both. 2) He had picked the skin off of his two-hour van ride there and back, plus holding
face in many places so that he had small red scabs the son during the speaking sessions. Upon their
all over his face. He looked like he had the measles. return home, the mother immediately recognized
The spankings did not seem to work. Their a change in the boy’s attitude and his willingness
question was obvious: “What do we do?” to receive correction without pouting, as well as
My answer was as follows: “The next time he his desire to get along better with other children.
hits a little brother, pick him up and hug him.” In years of asking questions and listening to an-
The mother answered, “I don’t want to rein- swers, there is one answer that stands out. “I never
force that kind of conduct.” heard my father admit that he was wrong about
“Don’t worry. He already has gotten the mes- anything. In the meantime, Mom knew he was
sage that it is wrong. Not only should you hug him wrong; we kids knew he was wrong; God knew he
the next time he hits his brother, I want you to hug was wrong, and he himself knew it, but he would
him all day long. He hasn’t gotten enough love not admit it.” This may be true of some of you fathers

S aturation L ove 41
whose children are grown and gone. You may be in front of the children, confess your history to
reading this and realize that you did not practice God, then to your spouse and your children, and
saturation love when they were growing up. In the then forsake the fighting.
meantime, they have had all kinds of problems.
Others of you have children who are teenagers, not
away from home, but not little “lovable” kids. STUDY GUIDE
What can you do about it now? First confess to
For God loved the world so much that he gave his only
God all of your wrong actions such as over-disci-
Son so that anyone who believes in him shall not perish
pline, put-downs, ridicule, ignoring, yelling, anger, but have eternal life. (John 3:16)
favoritism, lack of expressed love, etc. After this,
you can write to each of your children expressing Discussion Questions
to them what you have confessed to God. Tell them 1. List reasons why a person may feel starved for
you have confessed your actions and attitudes to love.
God. You can also admit specific things that you
Saturation love is different from adequate love, qual-
remember. Ask the children to bring to your atten-
ity time, or quantity time. Saturation means that the
tion things that they are still hurting about, just maximum has been reached: a person’s need to be
as you may still be hurting about how your father loved has been completely filled.
treated you. When they tell you, do not be defen-
2. Describe a situation where you received satura-
sive; just be sorry with a godly sorrow. “Godly sor- tion love or were able to provide saturation love
row brings repentance that leads to salvation and for another person.
leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death” (2
3. What are the symptoms of not getting enough love?
Cor. 7:10). Then express love to them in many ways.
If your children are still with you, do the same, ex- God leads us to repentance by pouring on kindness,
cept it should be in person in addition to the letter. showing us tolerance and patience even though we
The letter is important because 1) you can get it all sin against Him. This is the model that God has put
said without interruptions, 2) the letter will get read before us as parents.

many times, and 3) the letter will be kept.

4. How can God’s model be applied when we parent
Remember, both sexes of children need much
our children?
love from both sexes of parents. If you are di-
vorced, saturation love is more difficult, but still 5. What steps can we take to right the wrongs we
necessary. If you are competing for the love and have committed?

loyalty of your children by putting down your for-

mer spouse or by buying your children’s love, it is The Next Step: Responding to God’s Word
counterproductive. Not only is it less than satura- Sins that are not confessed hold us back from a closer
tion love, it is not love at all. relationship with God and others in our life. We must
One of the best ways to express love to your confess our sin to God and ask Him to help us correct
the sin. God asks us to respond by confessing our sin
children is by not fighting with your spouse. Fights
to our spouse and our children with a kind, compas-
between the parents is a major cause of insecu-
sionate, and tender heart. “Be kind and compassion-
rity in children. If you do disagree, the children ate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in
should never hear it. If you already have a his- Christ God forgave you” (Eph. 4:32).
tory of fighting or disagreeing with your spouse

42 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

HOW DOES A WOMAN BECOME SECURE?
Jim Wilson

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over,
will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Luke 6:38)

A
woman was made by God to be loved, Now she is insecure and frazzled. She thinks
protected, provided for, and made secure. she needs a nicer home with nicer furniture.
However, there are reasons a woman may That takes a lot of money. She has to work as well
not feel loved, protected, or secure. Security is as her husband.
often a combination of objective truth and sub- Now she is tired, insecure, and frazzled. She
jective feeling. What I mean by that is that some turns to clothes, music, parties, and maybe a
women have lost their parents, their husbands, different man. Her husband is not romantic. He
their children, their food, and their clothing. copped out early in the marriage because his
Objectively they have a reason to be insecure, but needs were not being met.
subjectively they might not feel insecure. At the This is a description of many women I am ac-
same time, it is possible to feel insecure and imag- quainted with. Some of them have been married
ine what is objectively necessary to fill this need. more than once, plus other men. Some of them
Here is an example: Suppose a woman feels are into possessions. They are finding out, rather
insecure. The feeling is so strong that she is con- late, that a man, children, house, possessions,
vinced that it is also objective truth. A woman’s and parties do not fill up their emptiness and give
great need is to fill up that emptiness. She thinks them the security they are looking for.
that a man will fill it. That is partly true. However, This need has to be met, but the selfishness that
the need is so great that the man she gets can- insists on it being met ensures that it will not be met
not fill it. He cannot because he is also empty and even if she gets the man, the children, the house,
is looking for a woman to fill his emptiness. Two and possessions. The selfishness has to go first. It
empty, insecure people marry each other to get has become a tight little fist in her soul. That self-
their own needs met. It does not work. ish, tight fist wizens and destroys the person with it.
Now the woman is even more insecure. She Before God, the selfishness has to be repented
thinks that if she has a baby that will meet her of, that is, confessed, forsaken, and renounced.
need. Again, that is partly true. Women were Then she will have a wonderful joy, peace, and
made to have babies. However, babies are needy, freedom which God will give to her. This will
demanding creatures. The insecure woman now make her very secure in Christ.
has greater demands on her than she is able to As far as security in this world, the provision
cope with, especially if there are multiple children. comes from a closeness to her father, mother,

H ow does a W oman B ecome S ecure ? 43

brothers, sisters, and extended family. Next, it STUDY GUIDE
comes from her brothers and sisters in Christ
And my God will meet all your needs according to His
who are loving and giving. It comes from her be-
glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 4:19)
ing loving and giving to all kinds of people, even
if they do not return the love. It could come from Discussion Questions
her husband, but not from a future husband. I say 1. What does the Bible say about feeling safe and
this because she should not get married in order secure in the following verses?
to get secure. She should be secure before she gets
Deuteronomy 33:12
married. Then she will not be disillusioned and Psalm 4:8
hurt in her marriage. Proverbs 29:25
How does a woman become secure? 1 John 5:18
She must confess her attitude, not just her ac- 2. What does the Bible have to say about being
tion. She must decide, with the grace of God, to satisfied?
love her father, mother, brothers, and sisters. Her Proverbs 30:15–16
love towards any of them cannot be condition- Ecclesiastes 5:10
al. She should not say, “I will love him if . . . ” No Psalm 63:5
“ifs.” This love includes kind speech, hugs, giv- Psalm 103:5
ing, and helping actions. She should extend this Isaiah 53:11
love to more and more people. “For Christ’s love Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
compels us, because we are convinced that one but in humility consider others better than your-
died for all, and therefore all died. And he died selves. (Phil. 2:3)
for all, that those who live should no longer live
3. How can we rid ourselves of selfishness?
for themselves but for him who died for them and
was raised again” (2 Cor. 5:14–15). 4. What steps need to be taken to feel secure (James
A woman’s long-term objective should be to 3:13–18)?
be holy, loving, kind, joyful, etc. She should also
want to have a loving family and loving children The Next Step: Responding to God’s Word
and grandchildren. She should want to have a Reflect on areas in your life where bitter envy and
“Well done, good and faithful servant, enter into selfish ambition hinder your ability to be an imitator
the joy of the Lord.” of Christ. Ask for godly wisdom and discernment to
This solution assumes that the woman is al- guide you. Respond by seeking His direction each
day. “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will
ready a Christian, that she has by faith received
find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For
Jesus Christ, the Son of God, as Lord and Savior.
everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and
She has passed from death to life. That is the be- to him who knocks, the door will be opened” (Matt.
ginning of security for everyone, men and women. 7:7–8).

44 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

 THE RESPONSIBLE MAN
Jim Wilson

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. (1 Cor. 16:13)

I
f there is one great lack in adult men, Christian cursed is the ground because of you; through pain-
and non-Christian, it is integrity. That is a word ful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life.’”
that encompasses honesty, moral soundness, Ever since that time, men have been blaming
purity, uprightness, and the willingness to take their wives, their children, and their bosses, and
responsibility. It is this last aspect of integrity that everyone but themselves.
I would like to address. Abram was also irresponsible: “As he was about
Responsibility is one of the characteristics of a to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, ‘I know what
selfless man. Irresponsibility is one of the character- a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see
istics of a selfish man. After a person receives Christ, you, they will say, “This is his wife.” Then they will
responsibility should be an expected characteristic. kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister,
God has assigned responsibilities to kings, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my
governors, masters, husbands, and fathers. God life will be spared because of you’” (Gen. 12:11–13).
holds us responsible, whether or not we are acting Abram anticipated being killed by the Egyptians for
responsibly. If we do not fit any of the above posi- his beautiful wife. He had her tell a lie and say she
tions, we should be in training to be responsible. was not his wife, but his sister. Pharaoh took her and
It is part of manhood. treated Abram well and made him rich. God afflict-
We tend to have a worldly view of manliness, ed Pharaoh and his household with serious disease
i.e., that it is determined by testosterone and its re- because he had taken Abram’s wife to be his wife.
sults: fighting, drinking too much, playing football, When Pharaoh found out, he gave Sarai back and
hunting, soldiering, sexual prowess, and authority. kicked Abram out of the country.
In many cases, putting an emphasis on these char- About twenty years later, Abram, now called
acteristics actually keeps a man from accepting re- Abraham, did the same thing again with another
sponsibility, which is his real evidence of manhood. king of another nation, only that time he lied in-
Adam was irresponsible when he said to God in stead of having Sarah lie. Abimelech, the king of
Genesis 3:12, “The woman you put here with me— Gerar, took her. God told Abimelech that he was
she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate.” as good as dead for taking a married woman. God
Adam blamed the woman and God. God replied protected Sarah. Abimelech had not touched her.
in Genesis 3:17. “To Adam he said, ‘Because you You can read the story in Genesis 20.
listened to your wife and ate from the tree about This irresponsibility was passed on to Isaac.
which I commanded you, “You must not eat of it,” He lied to the same king about Rebekah. The

T he R esponsible M an 45
unbelievers had a greater conscience about this the privilege of being a boss. Even in his posi-
than Abraham and Isaac. They had scorn for the tion of leadership, he is commanded by God.
irresponsibility of the believers (Gen. 26). Sarah • As a husband: “Husbands, love your wives,
and Rebekah were weaker and innocent. just as Christ loved the church and gave him-
Irresponsibility is a special kind of sin. It is a sin self up for her to make her holy, cleansing
that holds other people responsible. Irresponsibility her by the washing with water through the
is like lying. It is a cover, a means of self-protection. word, and to present her to himself as a radi-
It is selfishness to the extreme. We see it in disclaim- ant church, without stain or wrinkle or any
ing fatherhood, not paying child support, blaming other blemish, but holy and blameless. In
others, wife-beating, verbal abuse, not providing, this same way, husbands ought to love their
and not giving love and protection. wives as their own bodies. He who loves his
Here are a few examples of responsible men in wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hat-
the Bible: the official in John 4:46–53, Cornelius ed his own body, but he feeds and cares for
in Acts 10, the jailer at Philippi in Acts 16, and the it, just as Christ does the church—for we are
apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 9 and 2 Corinthians 8. members of his body” (Eph. 5:25–30).
Additional teaching on responsibility can be
• As a father: “Fathers, do not exasperate your
found in Numbers 30:6–8. This is in relation to the
children; instead, bring them up in the train-
women in your home, your wife and your daughters.
ing and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4).
There are two things that cannot be separated
without causing much harm to those around you. • As a master: “And masters, treat your slaves
They are authority and responsibility. in the same way. Do not threaten them,
Consider little kids. One of the kids wants author- since you know that he who is both their
ity. He wants to be boss. When there is trouble as the Master and yours is in heaven, and there is
result of his leadership, he is not to be found, or he no favoritism with him” (Eph. 6:9).
blames the trouble on the other kids. He does not • As an elder: “To the elders among you, I ap-
want the responsibility that comes with his authority. peal as a fellow elder, a witness of Christ’s
We have seen this problem in kings throughout sufferings and one who also will share in
history, and in the recent presidents of the United the glory to be revealed: Be shepherds of
States. When they were president, they had more God’s flock that is under your care, serving
authority than anyone else in the world. as overseers—not because you must, but
President Truman used his authority. He also ac- because you are willing, as God wants you
cepted the responsibility for his actions. He kept a to be; not greedy for money, but eager to
sign on his desk which read, “The buck stops here.” serve; not lording it over those entrusted to
He would not pass the buck. President Clinton and you, but being examples to the flock. And
President Obama also used their authority, but they when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will
did not hesitate to be evasive, lie, and blame others. receive the crown of glory that will never
In integrity, they were not responsible husbands, fade away” (1 Pet. 5:1–4).
fathers, governors/senators, or presidents.
Notice the absence of instruction to be dicta-
• As a husband, a father, a pastor or a leader in torial over your subordinates. Notice the positive
a secular job, a Christian man does not have attitudes and actions required of the husband,

46 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

father, master, and elder. Part of our responsibil- STUDY GUIDE
ity is to train our sons to be responsible.
For we are each responsible for our own conduct. (Gal. 6:5)
How do you get to be a responsible man?
Discussion Questions
• Recognize the attributes of a responsible
1. A person of integrity can be defined as one who
Christian man.
does the right thing even when no one is looking.
• Confess the sins of your negative attitude Who is a person of integrity in your life? What char-
and actions. acter qualities do you admire most in this person?
• Choose to be obedient to God’s commands Integrity encompasses honesty, moral soundness, purity,
in the Bible. uprightness, and the willingness to take responsibility.
• Attach yourself to a responsible man you 2. 1 Corinthians 16:13 reminds us to “Be on your
can imitate. guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage;
be strong.” What steps can you take to stand firm
• Choose to be taught by responsible men
in your faith and guard your heart from selfish de-
personally or through books, blogs, talks, sires (Prov. 3:5-6, Matt. 22:37-39, and Phil. 4:4-13)?
podcasts, or videos.
3. God has given us the gift of the Holy Spirit to
If you are not a Christian, seek out a Christian guide our hearts. How does the Holy Spirit help
and tell him you want to become one. Read the you in times of weakness (Rom. 8:26-28)?
gospel article at the end of this booklet. Get a 4. A responsible Christian man reflects the character
Bible and read Luke, John, Acts, and Romans. of Christ (Gal. 5:22-23) in all situations. He gives
If you are a Christian, you need to: up his selfish desires so that the Holy Spirit can
produce spiritual fruit that brings God glory and
• Confess your sin and sins to God. Be specific blesses his future generations. What situations, at-
with the confession. Let’s make it stronger: titudes, or actions are standing in the way of you
confess and forsake them. Renounce them. becoming a responsible man in Christ?
Repudiate them! Repent of them to God and 5. The Apostle Paul encourages us to “put off” our old
receive the cleansing and purifying work of way of life from before we believed in Christ and
the blood of Christ (1 John 1:5–10). “put on” a new self, allowing the Holy Spirit to work
in us and guide us (Gal. 5:16-26 and Eph. 4:22-
• Be obedient. By the grace of God, refuse to
5:2). How has your relationship with Jesus Christ
blame others for something that happened changed the way you live, love, and serve others?
when you were in charge.
The Next Step: Responding to God’s Word
• Choose to supply spiritual leadership,
Do you know a person of integrity and faith that can
food, housing, love, security, protection,
help you grow in grace and the knowledge of the Lord
and comfort for your wife and children.
Jesus Christ? If not, ask God to help you find a mentor
That is your number-one job. or small group to meet with on a regular basis. Con-
• After you have confessed, get with a man fess areas in your life where you are struggling with
who is willing to teach you, by example responsibility and integrity. Trust God to provide the
and instruction, how to be responsible. courage and strength needed to stand firm in your faith.
Respond by listening to the Holy Spirit’s guidance and
• Be in the Book daily, reading and studying
obeying God’s Word. “Your ears will hear a voice behind
with the intention of obeying God. you saying, This is the way; walk in it” (Isa. 30:21).
• Ask for God’s help.

T he R esponsible M an 47
 QUESTIONS & ANSWERS ON
BECOMING A CHRISTIAN
Jim Wilson

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Rom. 6:23)

S
ometime in 1997, a woman picked up a The more I read and talk with others, the more
free copy of How to Be Free from Bitterness. I realize that my biggest obstacle is trust and faith.
She was shaken by reading it and sent me It is very difficult for me to depend on anyone or
a postcard. I realized that she was hurting badly, anything. I want to change.
so I telephoned her to see if I could help. She wrote When you told me that I needed to find Christ
to me again. I kept her letters and copies of my and then a church, I was astonished. Every day
answers. The following is three months of our I remember those words, and I attempt prayer.
correspondence. With her permission, we made It is awkward and seems childish to me—but I
copies to help people with similar questions and have continued.
wound up handing out thousands of them. We I wanted to send you money for the books, but
have included the correspondence here, and we I didn’t. Accepting gifts is another difficult thing
hope it will be a help to some of you who have had for me. Someday I hope to repay you—hopefully
a similar background. by helping someone else as you have helped me.
I will keep trying and as soon as I can, I will
SEPTEMBER 1 write to you and say, “I know it’s true. I know who
He is.” Thank you so much.
Dear Jim,
Until Then,
I wanted to write you and let you know that I
Vickie
am still searching. It has not been as easy for me
as it seems to be for others, but I am still trying. SEPTEMBER 18
I read the Bible every day and I am praying, al- Dear Vickie,
though I am not certain to whom. I have read one Thank you for the very good, informative let-
of the books that you sent—about the mission- ter. In it, you said several things:
ary (China), and I have started Basic Christianity.
1. “I am still trying.”
Time is a problem.
I really appreciate the literature that you sent 2. “My biggest obstacle is trust and faith.”
me and the time you spent talking with me on 3. “It is awkward and seems childish to me.”
the phone. I am sorry that I know so little about 4. “Accepting gifts is a very difficult thing for me.”
Christians and all they believe. 5. “I will keep trying.”

48 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

 Nos. 1 and 5: Quit trying. You cannot “trust” us through the washing of rebirth and renewal
and “try” at the same time. “Trying” is your big- by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us
gest problem. “Trying” says that it somehow de- generously through Jesus Christ our Savior,
so that, having been justified by his grace, we
pends on you. “Trusting” says that it depends on
might become heirs having the hope of eternal
someone else. That would not be wise unless the
life. (Titus 3:3–7)
someone else were trustworthy. Quit looking at
and inspecting your faith. Instead, look at the Please read John 1:1–4, Hebrews 1:1–4, and
faithfulness of God. Colossians 1:13–20. These passages tell us two
No. 2: Becoming a Christian does not take basic truths:
much faith, or strong faith. It takes very little 1. The Son of God, with the Father, is the Creator
faith in the very faithful God. In other words, of everything and everyone. We belong to
God does the saving, not my faith. Trust and faith Him. He made us.
come from the Word of God. It is caused by the
2. He redeemed us. That is, He bought us back by
preaching of Christ—Romans 10:17. It is hindered
His death on the Cross. We belong to Him. He
by “trying” and by looking at your faith.
made us, and He bought us!
No. 3:
Please also read Romans 5:6–8 and Romans
Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, unless you change
4:24–25. I am not sure whether you have read the
and become like little children, you will never
enter the kingdom of Heaven. Therefore, whoever
four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
humbles himself like this child is the greatest in They are basic.
the kingdom of Heaven.” (Matt.18:3–4) Remember, quit trying. Just respond to the
truth as you read it. Do not fight the Scriptures.
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me,
In our Lord Jesus Christ,
and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God
Jim
belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, any-
one who will not receive the kingdom of God like
a little child will never enter it.” (Luke 18:16–17)
SEPTEMBER 29
Dear Jim,
In this case, childish is better. Children trust. When I began to read your letter, I was so re-
No. 4: The reason a gift is the only way is that lieved. It made so much sense. I have been try-
Heaven is too expensive to buy. The only way it ing so hard . . . and getting nowhere; in fact, some
can be obtained is by the one who loves you and things have gotten worse.
can afford to give it to you. I have been waiting for some miracle—a bolt
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God of lightning—anything, but nothing has hap-
is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Rom. 6:23) pened. The Bible says that if I believe and ask,
that is all that I can do. I have read, prayed, and
At one time we too were foolish, disobedient,
asked. I will now turn the rest over to God. If it is
deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions
to be, I’ll let it be up to Him. This may be the big-
and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, be-
ing hated and hating one another. But when the
gest leap of faith in my whole life.
kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, I really appreciate your letters and your call.
he saved us, not because of righteous things we I am so glad I wrote to you. It is people like you
had done, but because of his mercy. He saved that make people like me want what you have. I

Q uestions & A nswers on B ecoming a C hristian 49

have never met you, yet I know that you love the which you have taken your stand. By this gospel
Lord with all of your heart. It shows in all that you you are saved, if you hold firmly to the work I
have done for me. I will continue to read and pray. preached to you. Otherwise, you have believed
in vain. For what I received I passed on to you as
I will even pray for you! (It still sounds childish to
of first importance: that Christ died for our sins
me! I guess that’s ok, too!) Tuesday I am going to
according to the Scriptures, that he was buried,
start attending a Bible study on the book of John.
that he was raised on the third day according to
I am excited! the Scriptures, and that he appeared to Peter, and
You are a wonderful person—thank you. then to the Twelve. (1 Cor. 15:1–5)
Love Always,
Vickie It seems to me that you are putting more effort
into “holding firmly” than you are to what you are
OCTOBER 9 holding. It is the Word you are holding—His deity,
death for our sins, His burial, and resurrection.
Dear Vickie,
Please focus on 1) the holiness of God, 2) your
Thank you for your good letter. Let me quote
sinfulness in the light of His holiness, and 3) His
you to you again. “I have been waiting for some
grace toward you is much greater than your sin-
miracle—a bolt of lightning—anything, but
fulness (Rom. 5:20).
nothing has happened. The Bible says that if I be-
Please do not put your faith in your faith.
lieve and ask, that is all that I can do. I have read,
Assuming you have evaluated your trying,
prayed, and asked. I will now turn the rest over to
here is my suggestion if you can say this to God
God. If it is to be, I’ll let it be up to Him. This may
without working up a fervent prayer. “God, have
be the biggest leap of faith in my whole life.”
mercy on me, a sinner” (Luke 18:13) and “Thank
As I mentioned in my last letter, you may be
you for my salvation and forgiveness of sins in
trying too hard. That may be the problem still. I
Jesus’ name.”
would ask a question, but then I would have to
You will see the following evidence in your
wait for an answer, so instead I will guess and
life: love for the Christians (1 John 3:14, John
make a statement:
13:34–35), obedience (1 John 2:3), understand-
• When you read, you read with intensity. ing (1 Corinthians 2:14), the fruit of the Spirit
• When you prayed, you prayed hard. (Galatians 5:19–23), taking Him at His word (John
• When you asked, you asked with fervor. 5:24), chastening (Hebrews 12:5–11).
This is only true for real Christians. If you do
You hoped that your intensity and fervor
not see this in your life, then you are still on the
would bring down the bolt of lightning or any-
outside. However, I think this will not be the case.
thing. Even when you turned it over to God, you
In our Lord Jesus Christ,
did it. Even when you made your big leap of faith,
Jim
you really leaped (long and far).
Do you see that your reading, praying, asking,
OCTOBER 12
turning, leaping, and letting is still man-cen-
tered? Salvation is of God. Dear Vickie,
This afternoon I was reading Mark 10. I would
Now, brothers, I want to remind you of the gospel
like you to read and compare the stories of the
I preached to you, which you received and on

50 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

rich young ruler, starting with Mark 10:17, and I don’t understand many things. The whys are
blind Bartimaeus, starting with verse 46. After many. It is hard for me to comprehend the kind
you read the stories, look at this: of love that God offers. I have spent so much time
thinking about it—I decided to just stop. It has
The Rich Young Man Blind Bartimaeus
always been hard for me to comprehend any-
1. rich begging one really loving me. I’m sure this is a childhood
2. running sitting thing—but it has followed me into adulthood.
3. healthy blind—threw away God loves me, and with his help, I will learn to
his coat accept that.
I read the two stories in Mark about the rich
4. “What must I do to “Son of David,
man and the blind man. I don’t consider myself
inherit eternal life?” have mercy on me.”
rich—but when compared with others, I have been
5. 6 commands(Jesus) “What do you want me
fortunate. I want a relationship with God. My sur-
to do for you?”
vival instincts have literally kept me alive through
6. “I’ve done them.” “Rabbi, I want to see.” difficult times. Lately I have realized what my sur-
(rich man) (Bartimaeus) vival instincts are and have always been—God.
7. “You lack one thing. “Go, your faith People have always admired my ability to endure
Sell, give, and follow me.” has healed you.” things that they think they couldn’t have. Even
(Jesus) though I never asked, I realize now I never did en-
8. He went away sad. Immediately he dure them alone. God has taken care of me. I can
received his sight and look back and see it so clearly now. The pain I’ve
followed Jesus. seen in my life should have ended my life—but it
didn’t. I have always felt there had to be a reason to
The first man thought he could do it and go on, putting one foot in front of the other—hop-
couldn’t and went away sad. The second man ing for a brighter tomorrow—knowing always that
knew he couldn’t and so trusted Jesus 100%. other people had dealt with worse circumstances
Dear Vickie, I trust you have become like than I. Trying to smile no matter what was hard,
Bartimaeus, for that is the way. but I always did—because God was taking care.
In our Lord Jesus Christ, Every day I will thank God for loving me—
Jim enough to watch his son endure terrible pain on
my behalf. I can’t imagine how much it would
O C TO B ER 19 hurt to watch—knowing you could stop it if you
Dear Jim, wanted to. I need to invite God into my life 100
Thanks so much for your last letter. It makes so times a day because I keep trying too hard. With
much sense; it is meant to be easy, simple, and free. his help I will learn, and he can change me.
You guessed correctly on everything I have I love your letters—someday we will meet.
been trying to do. I have taken your suggestions. Thank you so much for caring enough to take the
I prayed as you wrote. Every day I ask God to come time to write and call.
into my life and lead me in whatever direction he I feel so overwhelmed at times—it is so amaz-
chooses. I still take control much of the time, but ing! I am astonished at how clear it seems. I can
more and more I am asking God for help. hardly think about anything else.

Q uestions & A nswers on B ecoming a C hristian 51

 Jim, I know you walk with God. I will pray wrapped with your name on them. Will you go
for you—and your work. I hope you realize how to each of these givers and “ask” for your gift?
much you have been an instrument in helping Will you have to ask 100 times? You will not have
me. I am sure you have helped many, with God’s to ask at all. You can walk away, not receive, not
help. Someday, if God chooses, I will help some- unwrap, and leave them there. You can reject
one, too. them, but you do not need to ask for them. Your
My Love Always, salvation is bought and paid for, and with your
Vickie name on it.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new cre-

OCTOBER 24 ation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this
is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through
Dear Vickie,
Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And
Your letter of the nineteenth arrived today.
He has committed to us the message of reconcili-
This answer will be short. First I will quote you to
ation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as
yourself: “Every day I ask God to come into my life though God were making His appeal through us.
and lead me in whatever direction he chooses.” We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled
“I need to invite God into my life 100 times a day to God. God made Him who had no sin to be sin
because I keep trying too hard.” for us, so that in Him we might become the righ-
You ask God every day and think you should teousness of God. (2 Cor 5:17–21)
ask 100 times a day.
I am asking you on behalf of Christ, “be rec-
No, you should not ask God 100 times a day,
onciled to God.” You do not ask; He is doing the
nor even once every day. The only reason for
asking. You receive and thank Him.
that would be if He came in and then left. You
You have not told me any of your life. This is not
do not need to ask more than once in a lifetime
a request to hear it. You have told me enough to let
if in fact He responded to your request. (Actually,
me know that you are a “survivor,” a non-quitter.
you do not need to ask at all—see “Christmas is
This is why it has been hard to trust God. He might
coming . . . ” below.) If He did come in, He said, “I
not be trustworthy, so you have trusted yourself.
will never leave you nor forsake you” (Heb. 13:5);
However, now you know better.
and “I give them eternal life, and they shall never
Forget the “whys.” If they were given to you,
perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.
would it be for you to determine whether the an-
My father, who has given them to me, is great-
swers were adequate? If the room is dark, you do
er than all; no one can snatch them out of my
not ask “how” or “why” electricity works before
Father’s hand. I and the Father are one”( John
you turn on the light.
10:28–30); and the last half of Romans 8, actually
You did not refuse to be born because you did
verses 31–39.
not know “how” or “why” your brain, heart, and
Quit asking! Thank Him! You may do that 100
kidneys worked. You did not insist on a PhD in
times a day.
physiology before you were born.
Again, to quote you, “It makes so much sense;
The “whys” will be answered later, or perhaps
it is meant to be easy, simple and free.”
they will not matter to you.
Christmas is coming. Friends and relatives
In our Lord Jesus Christ,
will have gifts for you. They are already paid for,
Jim

52 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

NOVEMBER 1 painful for the entire family, especially my hus-
band. He is very bitter. He says he doesn’t believe
Dear Jim,
in God, that he is agnostic. But in the same breath
I have been so fortunate to have you be a part of
he will tell you he would hate a God that could al-
my life. Your letters have come to mean so much
low his daughters to suffer so long and so hard. I
to me. It is almost [as] if you can sense what I am
have been praying for him every day.
thinking. Thank you so much for taking time for
I have raised two agnostic children—one in
me. Thank you so much for your patience.
college—one in middle school. They are not
When I read your letters, I am almost embar-
much different from their mother. But they do
rassed of my lack of knowledge. You have been so
love and respect me. They are great kids, but they
right with your insights.
don’t know the Lord. I am praying for them every
I am reading in Revelation this week, or I will
day, too.
be reading in Revelation beginning tomorrow
My background was a mixture of abuse and
morning. I know that I will need to read, study,
abuses. My mother was (and still is) an alcoholic.
and pray for years to have the understanding of
When I was old enough to “control,” I ran away. I
the scriptures that you do. Hopefully God will
gave birth to my son when I was sixteen. My life,
give me that opportunity.
because of my own bad choices (drugs, alcohol,
I have asked for God’s guidance on choosing
men) deteriorated from there. When I was twen-
a church to attend. I am still waiting for an an-
ty-one (a very “old lady” by this time), I stopped
swer. I don’t feel like I know enough to make that
using drugs. I became pregnant again, married
decision. I do want to be baptized though. I told
(just not the father of my child). We moved to
Brad that I would love it if you were able to baptize
California. He wasn’t faithful. We moved back
me. I am not sure what the “traditions” are with
to Utah and divorced shortly afterwards. I did
baptism. Do you have to be baptized by a “church
develop a relationship again with my daughter’s
leader?” My experience with religions certainly
father (my son’s father was dead) on a friendship
won’t answer that question for me.
basis only. He developed a relationship with our
I feel like I need to write a letter to the Catholic
daughter, though. He became part of “our family”
Church and let them know what I believe to be true
(my current husband, too). He (my daughter’s fa-
now. I’m sure my leaving will seem insignificant to
ther) passed away two years ago shortly after my
them. My Godparents probably will be upset.
stepdaughter.
It is funny how I have been hearing from
With all of the illness, pain, struggle, and death
people that I haven’t heard from in years, since
in my life over the past few years, I have realized
I have come to know Jesus. I can’t wait to share
how fortunate I have been. I have immediate
it with them!
family members who have not been as fortunate.
I know I haven’t shared much of my life with
I have been successful in business. I love my
you. I am thirty-five, married, with two children.
husband and my children. All of the material
This is the second marriage for my husband and
things I lacked as a child, my children have en-
myself. My husband had two children from his
joyed. I have educated myself, educated my chil-
previous marriage—but they died (a rare dis-
dren, indulged in all of the joys that money can
ease). We buried his youngest two years ago, his
buy—AND I HAVE FELT AS EMPTY AS I DID AS
oldest five years ago. It has been quite tragic and
A CHILD.

Q uestions & A nswers on B ecoming a C hristian 53

 I am smiling for the first time in my life because This time of year has always been difficult for
I actually feel joy. (Before, the smile and jokes had me to enjoy. I was hoping that this year would be
been a mask.) There is no doubt in my mind that different, but I can see that I will have to make it
God has helped me survive even though I didn’t different. I need to focus on Jesus and make him
know him. Now that I know him and am learning the center of my life. I know if I will do that, ev-
more about him every day, I can hardly describe erything else will be ok. I don’t know why I don’t
how happy I am. He is starting to work in my life. just do it, why I make it so hard!
This is the first time I have ever felt loved for noth- One of these days I am going to drive up there
ing I have done. The love in my life previously has and meet you. If by chance you do get down this
been conditional, or at least I’ve felt that way. way before I get there, please let me know.
I never knew my biological father, although A question for you: Last night we were read-
I can remember one visit with him. I loved him ing John chapter 11. When someone dies, do they
without ever knowing him. I started a search for go immediately to heaven? If so, then what is the
him about six months ago and found out he was resurrection? If not, where are they until the res-
dead. He died only four years ago. If I had begun urrection? Is there more than one resurrection?
my search earlier, I could have known him. I never When Jesus was raised from the dead, he had a
had a father figure in my life. I never will. If I had physical body—will we? I was just wondering.
never written to you, I might not have started my Have a great Christmas, and an even greater
search for God. Now that I have found him, I don’t New Year!
want to lose him! Thank you again for helping me. Love,
Love, Vickie
Your sister—in Christ! Vickie

DECEMBER 16
D EC E M B E R 11 Dear Vickie,
Dear Jim, Your letter arrived this morning with your gift
I haven’t written for so long—and I do miss for the family. Thank you very much!
your return letters. I hope that all is well with you Your evaluation is right (or partly right). Time
and your family. with God in the Bible and in prayer is a major
I have been very busy with work, too busy. I means of staying in the joy of the Lord. The other
have felt so depressed for the last two weeks. I part is not preventative; it is curative. It is called
have been sitting here trying to figure out why, confession of sin. I will send to you today a cas-
and I think I have. I haven’t been reading and sette tape on the subject with a piece of paper that
studying every day like I was. I haven’t been pray- will help the talk make sense to you.
ing as often as I was either. Last night I read and In the meantime, please read 1 John 1:5–10.
prayed, and I felt better. Today I haven’t yet and Read it several times. After reading the para-
the depression is creeping in again. And so I de- graph, notice the positive good truth in the odd-
cided to write a letter to you (that I’ve meant to numbered verses and the negative bad truth in
write for some time now), and then settle down the even-numbered verses. Practice verses 7 and
to read. 9 based upon verse 5. Do not practice verses 6,

54 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

8, and 10. Read the rest of 1 John, noticing and precede those who have fallen asleep. For the
marking the word “know.” Lord himself will come down from heaven, with
Now to your questions concerning the resur- a loud command, with the voice of the archangel
and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead
rection of the body.
in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still
We go immediately to Heaven when we die,
alive and are left will be caught up together with
without our body. We leave that here.
them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air.
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If And so we will be with the Lord forever. There-
I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fore encourage each other with these words. (1
fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do Thess. 4:13–18)
not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to
1 Corinthians 15:47–54 is another Scripture on
depart and be with Christ, which is better by far;
this event.
but it is more necessary for you that I remain in
the body. (Phil. 1:21–24) We will have a physical body just like Jesus, but
only after He returns.
See also 2 Corinthians 5:6–9.
But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly
The resurrection occurs when Jesus Christ re-
await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,
turns to earth.
who, by the power that enables him to bring
Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant everything under his control, will transform our
about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious
rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that body. (Phil. 3:20–21)
Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that
Also see 1 John 3:1–3, Titus 2:11–14, and
God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen
asleep in him. According to the Lord’s own word, Romans 8:22–25.
we tell you that we who are still alive, who are Yours in our Lord Jesus Christ,
left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not Jim

Q uestions & A nswers on B ecoming a C hristian 55

 THE GOSPEL
Jim Wilson

If you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that
God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (Rom. 10:9)

H
aving read this booklet, you may realize 6. The Holy Spirit is now drawing you to turn
that you are not a Christian. If you are a from your sin, to call upon the Lord Jesus,
Christian, you can be delivered from the trusting Him, His death, and His resurrection.
awful sin of bitterness. If you are not a Christian,
That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is
your bitterness is tied up with many other sins and
Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised
with a nature that is prone to sin. In order to get rid him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with
of the bitterness, you need a new nature, and you your heart that you believe and are justified, and
need to get rid of your old nature. You cannot do it is with your mouth that you confess and are
this yourself. It can be done only by God. saved. (Rom. 10:9–10)
Here is your part:
Now, brothers, I want to remind you of the gospel
1. You need to want to be set free from the guilt I preached to you, which you received and on
and judgement for your sins and from the pow- which you have taken your stand. By this gospel
you are saved, if you hold firmly to the word I
er of sin.
preached to you. Otherwise, you have believed
2. You need to know that you are helpless in this in vain. For what I received I passed on to you as
want. of first importance: that Christ died for our sins
according to the Scriptures, that he was buried,
3. You need to know that being good and not be-
that he was raised on the third day according to
ing bad will not set you free, nor will any other
the Scriptures, and that he appeared to Peter, and
means of self-effort.
then to the Twelve. (1 Cor. 15:1–5)
4. You need to know that God has already accom-
Now that you have called upon the Lord Jesus,
plished this deliverance by sending the Lord
thank Him for bringing you to the Father, for for-
Jesus to earth to die for the ungodly. “You see,
giving your sin, and for giving you everlasting life.
at just the right time, when we were still pow-
Now, in your joy of your forgiveness, tell some-
erless, Christ died for the ungodly” (Rom. 5:6).
one what God has done for you.
5. Three days after this death for our sins, the
If you write to us, we will send you books to
Lord Jesus rose from the dead in order to make
help you grow in the Christian life.
us righteous. “He was delivered over to death
for our sins and was raised to life for our justi-
fication” (Rom. 4:25).

56 HOW TO BE FREE FROM BIT TERNESS

 AFTERWORD

Y
ou have probably found out from reading this booklet that
you are bitter or offended or a gossip or depressed or have
a poor relationship with your parents. If you do not under-
stand the solutions given in the booklet, if you do understand but
find yourself unable to put them into effect, or if you do not want to
change, it is possible that there is a more basic problem, that is, you
are not a Christian. Please reread Letters on Becoming a Christian
and The Gospel. Please contact us. We can send you a free New
Testament and other literature that will be helpful for your partic-
ular needs. That way we can communicate clearly the simple and
profound truths of the good news of Jesus Christ in a personal way.

Community Christian Ministries

Attn: Jim Wilson
P.O. Box 9754
Moscow, ID 83843
Phone: (208) 883–0997
E-mail: [email protected]
Online: ccmbooks.org

You can contact any of the authors of this volume through the
same address.

A fterword 57