Scholars Crossing

Books The Works of Elmer Towns

2003

Joined Together: How to Build a Lasting Marriage

Ruth Towns

Elmer L. Towns

Follow this and additional works at: https://digitalcommons.liberty.edu/towns_books

Part of the Religion Commons

 BY
RUTH AND ELMER L.TOWNS
Copyright © 2003 by Ruth and Elmer L.Towns

All rights reserved.Written permission must be secured from the publisher to use or
reproduce any part of this book, except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles.

Published in Nashville,Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are from The New King James Version. Copyright©
1979, 1980, 1982, 1990,Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloguing-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN 0-7852-5022-0

Printed in the United States

1 2 3 4 5 – 07 06 05 04 03

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 About the Authors

Ruth & Elmer L. Towns

Elmer L. Towns is dean of the School of Religion at Liberty University in
Lynchburg, Virginia. He is a Gold Medallion Award-winning author whose books
include Fasting for Spiritual Breakthrough and The Son. Ruth Towns is an active mem-
ber of her church and retired director of an adoption agency. She teaches at Liberty
University and is the author of Women Gifted for Ministry.The Towns’ have been mar-
ried for 50 years.

Author’s Note
Ruth and I found two books that were helpful when we began re-search for
this book. First, Famous Couples in the Bible by Richard Strauss (Tyndale House, 1978).
This book is now available on the Internet at
http://www.bible.org/docs/splife/chrhome/love/toc.htm. We received more help
from this book than any other source.We are grateful for the ideas we received from
it and give credit to its influence on our book. This was an exciting find because
Richard and his wife, Mary, were our friends at Dallas Theological Seminary from
1954 to 1958.
The second book we found was The Way of a Man with a Maid by Clarence
Edward McCartney (Baker Book House, 1931). It was an enjoyable collection of ser-
mons on Bible couples.

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Whom God Has Joined Together

Contributors’ Biographies
Tim & Beverly LaHaye
Noted author, minister, educator, and nationally recognized speaker Dr. Tim LaHaye has authored
more than 50 books on Bible prophecy. His current fiction series, Left Behind, co-authored with Jerry
Jenkins, is the all-time best-selling Christian fiction series. Tim is also the president of Tim LaHaye
Ministries and co-founder of the Pre-Trib Research Center. Beverly LaHaye is a nationally recognized
advocate and spokeswoman on issues affecting women and the family, and is the founder and chairper-
son of Concerned Women of America. She is also the author of many books, including several she co-
wrote with her husband, Tim. The LaHaye’s have been married for 56 years. They have written the
Foreword of this workbook.

Pastor David Yonggi & Grace Kim-Cho

Author and speaker Dr. David Yonggi Cho is senior pastor of The Yoido Full Gospel Church in
Seoul, Korea, the largest church in the world with more than 750,000 members. He is the author of
more than 100 books and the recipient of a Gold Medallion Award. Dr. Cho’s wife, Grace Kim-Cho, is
an accomplished composer and pianist. Currently, she is the Chancellor of Bethesda Christian University
in Los Angeles, California.The Cho’s have three grown sons and have been married for 40 years.They
have written the introduction to Isaac and Rebekah.

Mike & Cindy Jacobs

Mike Jacobs, a former business analyst, has been commissioned by God to bring unity and order to
the body of Christ. A key focus of Mike’s vision is teaching on Christ’s transforming power in the busi-
ness world, governmental structures, the church, and the community at large. Widely recognized as a
prophet to the nations, Dr. Cindy Jacobs is the president and co-founder of Generals of Intercession, a
missionary organization devoted to training in prayer and spiritual warfare. She is the author of three
best-selling books, including Possessing the Gates of the Enemy, The Voice of God, and Women of Destiny.
The Jacobs’ have been married for 30 years.They have written the introduction to Jacob and Rachel.

iv
 Bill & Vonette Bright
Dr. Bill Bright, along with his wife,Vonette, founded Campus Crusade for Christ. He has authored
more than 100 books, as well as thousands of articles and pamphlets that have been distributed in many
languages throughout the world. The Bright’s have received numerous awards for their work over the
years, including a Lifetime Achievement Award from both the National Association of Evangelicals and
the Evangelical Christian Publishers Association. Vonette Bright’s commitment to prayer led to the
founding of the National Prayer Committee. She has authored My Heart in His Hands, a devotional
series, and co-authored The Joy of Hospitality. The Bright’s have been married for 54 years. They have
written the introduction to Adam and Eve.

John & Margaret Maxwell

John C. Maxwell, known as America’s expert on leadership, speaks in person to more than 600,000
people each year. He has communicated his leadership principles to Fortune 500 companies, the United
States Military Academy at West Point, and ministries including Promise Keepers and Focus on the
Family.
Maxwell is also the founder of three distinct organizations—The INJOY® Group, EQUIP™, and
INJOY® Stewardship Services—each dedicated to helping people maximize their leadership potential
and impact their communities. He is the author of more than thirty books, including Developing the
Leader Within You, Your Road Map for Success, and The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, which has sold more
than one million copies.
Margaret Maxwell has been John’s best friend and most ardent supporter for more than 34 years.
They have written the introduction to Aquila and Priscilla.

Ed & Donna Hindson

Dr. Ed Hindson is the president of World Prophetic Ministry. He is also a Bible teacher on “The
King Is Coming” telecast, and the Assistant Chancellor and Dean of the Tim LaHaye School of Prophecy
Institute of Biblical Studies at Liberty University in Virginia. Dr. Hindson and his wife, Donna, have been
married for 36 years.They have written the introduction to Xerxes and Esther.

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Whom God Has Joined Together

Tim & Julie Clinton

Tim Clinton is the author of Before a Bad Goodbye: How to Turn Your Marriage Around and The
Marriage You’ve Always Wanted. He is both a professional counselor and a marriage and family therapist, is
the current president of the 40,000-member American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC),
and is also a pastor of Caring Ministries at Calvary Church in Charlotte, North Carolina. Tim and his
wife, Julie, reside with their children in Lynchburg, Virginia. They have written the introduction to
Samson and Delilah.

Ed & Jo Beth Young

Dr. Ed Young is the pastor of Second Baptist Church in Houston,Texas, and founder of the broad-
cast ministry, “The Winning Walk,” which is seen and heard across North America. He is the author of
Against All Odds, Romancing the Home, Pure Sex, and Everywhere I Go. Jo Beth Young is very active in her
church, leading many adult Bible studies. She is also an eloquent speaker for seminars and women’s
retreats.The Young’s have been married for 44 years.They have written the introduction to David and
Bathsheba.

John Ed & Lynn Mathison

Dr. John Ed Mathison has been the senior minister of Frazer Memorial United Methodist Church
in Montgomery, Alabama, for the past 30 years. He is a nationally known and sought-after speaker, par-
ticularly at the Billy Graham Training Center at The Cove. He has written four books, Tried and True,
Every Member in Ministry, Fishing for Birds, and Extra Effort. He also writes for Decision magazine, The
Circuit Rider, and other religious periodicals. Lynn Mathison, an interior decorator, has provided lead-
ership to the women’s ministry at Frazer and is also a speaker for women’s retreats and seminars. The
Mathison’s present a daily family devotion on Frazer Christian Television, and have been married for
seven years.They have written the introduction to Boaz and Ruth.

Jerry & Macel Falwell

Jerry Falwell is the founding pastor of Lynchburg’s Thomas Road Baptist Church, and has served
there as the senior pastor for 47 years.Thirty-two years ago, he also founded Liberty University and con-
tinues to serve as the Chancellor. He is the author of 12 books and has conducted a weekly interna-
tional television program. Macel Falwell is an artist and pianist. She has served as the Thomas Road
Baptist Church pianist since the founding of the congregation in 1956. She enrolled in college at the
age of 50 and later became an English instructor at Liberty University. Jerry says,“Macel is my best crit-
ic and is most responsible for the successful lives and careers of our children and myself.”The Falwell’s
have been married for 45 years.They have written the introduction to Joseph and Mary.

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 D. James & Anne Kennedy
Presently, Dr. D. James Kennedy is the pastor of Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church, which televises
services all over the nation and is one of the largest Presbyterian churches in America. His energetic
commitment to both evangelism and cultural renewal is demonstrated by four organizations he found-
ed and now oversees: Evangelism Explosion International, Knox Theological Seminary, Coral Ridge
Ministries Media, Inc., and Westminster Academy. Dr. Kennedy and his wife, Anne, have written the
introduction to Zechariah and Elizabeth.

Neil T. & Joanne Anderson

Dr. Neil T. Anderson is the founder of Freedom in Christ Ministries. He has 20 years of pastoral
experience and has taught for more than 10 years at seminary and post-graduate levels. Neil has authored
many best-selling books on spiritual freedom. Joanne Anderson has been an integral part of her hus-
band’s various ministries.The Anderson’s have two children and two grandchildren, and have been mar-
ried for 37 years.They have written the introduction to Ananias and Sapphira.

Dave & Cathy Earley

Dave and Cathy Earley’s claims to fame are that they love God, love each other, and really enjoy
their three sons: Daniel (16),Andrew (14), and Luke (12). Dave and Cathy started a church in their base-
ment 18 years ago. Today that church has more than 2,000 members and has launched several other
churches. Dave also has written several books. Dave and Cathy spend their free time hiking, biking, exer-
cising, watching their boys participate in various activities, and ministering to teenagers. The Earley’s
have been married for 23 years.They have written the introduction to Abraham and Sarah.

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 Table of Contents

About the Authors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . iii

Contributors’ Biographies. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . iv

Foreword by Tim and Beverly LaHaye . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xi

Author’s Preface . . . . Here Comes the Bride . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xiii

Chapter 1 . . . . . . . . . Isaac and Rebekah:

Learning Communication
Introduction by Pastor David Yongii
and Grace Kim-Cho. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

Chapter 2 . . . . . . . . . Jacob and Rachel:

Learning Contentment
Introduction by Mike and Cindy Jacobs . . . . . . . . . 17

Chapter 3 . . . . . . . . . Adam and Eve:

Learning to Live After the Honeymoon
Introduction by Bill and Vonette Bright . . . . . . . . . 35

Chapter 4 . . . . . . . . . Aquila and Priscilla:

Learning to Work Together
Introduction by John and Margaret Maxwell. . . . . . 51

Chapter 5 . . . . . . . . . Xerxes and Esther:

Learning to Live with Minimal Choices
Introduction by Ed and Donna Hindson . . . . . . . . 63

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Chapter 6 . . . . . . . . . Samson and Delilah:
Learning from Bad Choices
Introduction by Tim and Julie Clinton . . . . . . . . . . 79

Chapter 7 . . . . . . . . . David and Bathsheba:

Learning to Pick up the Pieces
Introduction by Ed and Jo Beth Young . . . . . . . . . . 99

Chapter 8 . . . . . . . . . Boaz and Ruth:

Learning to Love and Support Each Other
Introduction by John Ed and Lynn Mathison . . . . 117

Chapter 9 . . . . . . . . . Joseph and Mary:

Learning to Share Unconditional Trust
Introduction by Jerry and Macel Falwell . . . . . . . . 135

Chapter 10 . . . . . . . . Zechariah and Elizabeth:

Learning to Reflect Companionship
Introduction by D. James and Anne Kennedy. . . . . 149

Chapter 11 . . . . . . . . Ananias and Sapphira:

Learning to Be Honest with God and Each Other
Introduction by Neil T. and Joanne Anderson . . . . 163

Chapter 12 . . . . . . . . Abraham and Sarah:

Learning to Live with Problems
Introduction by Dave and Cathy Earley . . . . . . . . 177

x
 Foreword
Tim and Beverly LaHaye
Tim LaHaye Ministries • El Cajon, California
We have known Elmer and Ruth Towns for more than thirty years of ministry. Elmer, who is a great
Bible teacher, has been in our former church in San Diego, California, on many occasions. Ruth is a big
supporter of Concerned Women for America, the Washington, D.C.-based Christian women’s pro-fam-
ily public policy organization that Beverly founded in 1979. Ruth was the adoption caseworker and
director of Family Life Services, which is the state-accredited adoption agency of Thomas Road Baptist
Church, so Ruth and Beverly have a similar purpose in life to protect the unborn, as well as place
unwanted babies in loving Christian homes.
We think it’s great that a couple who has served the Lord so faithfully over the years has finally writ-
ten a book that will help other young couples learn the same lessons that Elmer and Ruth have learned.
But more than just lessons, Elmer and Ruth have become an example to many young couples that they
too can serve the Lord together and build a strong Christian home at the same time.
This book is not just Christian advice that comes from their experiences, but rather it is a strong
Bible study that immerses the readers into the lives of families in the Bible. The Towns’ have done an
outstanding job of finding the dominant “glue” that holds each Bible couple together and applying that
biblical principle to young couples today.We can’t think of a better way for young couples to strength-
en their marriages than to study the Scripture concerning these twelve Bible couples and to apply these
practical applications to their own marriage.

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Whom God Has Joined Together

There are two things about the book that we particularly enjoy: First, there is a section called
Counseling Approach. This is what a counselor might have told these Christian couples as they
attempted to live for God. Second, we like the last section of each chapter, Practical Take-Aways. Each
chapter ends with these practical projects for each young couple to use and strengthen their marriage.
Both of us—Tim and Beverly—have used the written word to reach other people for Christ, so we
know the power of Christian journalism.We believe this book will help young couples, and our prayer
is that your marriage will be strengthened as you study this book.

xii
 Author’s Preface
Here Comes the Bride
Recently our daughter, Debbie (DJ), married a man who is so closely matched to her that every-
one who knows them is amazed.
Roy is a master photographer, having won awards for composition and subject. He is the family
head to whom everyone turns when anything broken needs fixing or something new must be made
from old parts of machinery or furniture. He is also the one to hold the family together in times of cri-
sis. But that’s Debbie, also.
Roy is a historian. He and Debbie re-enact historical Virginian events and have taught candle mak-
ing and bateau navigating on the James River.They attend rendezvous meetings with other re-enactors
from all over the East Coast. Both love camping and are very “earthy” people. If there is such a thing as
a soul mate, Roy and DJ are soul mates.
Because they are unique and totally comfortable with themselves, the wedding plans were unusual.
The invitations were printed on brown wrapping paper, the bride’s dress was deerskin, their shoes were
leather moccasins, and the wedding site was an open field. The reception featured a huge kettle of
Brunswick stew and loaves of freshly baked bread. Friends and curious on-lookers gathered around
while DJ’s brother led the couple in their vows. Dulcimer Dave provided soft music and the couple
returned to their campsite on a horse-drawn wagon.
Wedding plans sometimes take months and are usually the culmination of a girl’s lifelong dreams.
The preparation is exciting, and everything must be exactly right.
I (Ruth) remember my wedding. I’m sure I must have tried on every dress in the bridal shop. Even
the undergarments were chosen with utmost care. I worried about what shoes to wear because, back
then, Elmer was shorter than I was. I was picky about the flowers, cake, invitations, and the rings. I want-
ed all my friends there, so we spent hours finding addresses for people we had not seen for a long time.
The honeymoon plans were discussed and changed several times, and every detail of who rode in which
car and which car was the getaway car was part of the carefully decided details.
After all, we planned to spend the rest of our lives together.
I am planning to spend eternity with my heavenly Bridegroom. Sometimes I wonder how much
preparation and planning I am doing and how excited I get as I look toward that time.
He will provide the dress — a robe of righteousness. I don’t have to be concerned about where I’ll
live because He is building a mansion for me. He is doing His part, but I’m a little slow on my end of
it.
I know I need to spend more time getting to know Him. Elmer wrote me love letters that I still
have. God has written love letters to me, too, but sometimes I can’t find time to read them.

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Whom God Has Joined Together

Elmer and I talked every chance we got before we got married, but sometimes I seem to rush the
intimate talks with my heavenly Bridegroom.
I talked about Elmer all the time—to everyone. I was not embarrassed to talk about him, even to
complete strangers. Isn’t it amazing that I sometimes find it difficult to talk about the Lord with the same
freedom and love?
Elmer and I enjoy doing things for each other. I know him so well that I can usually guess where
he wants to go out to eat. But I can still pick out a tie to surprise him now and then. Sometimes we
even complete a sentence for each other. I want to know the Lord like that! I need to know what pleas-
es Him and that He takes pleasure in what I do.
It’s all about preparation, getting to know the other person better than anyone else. Like the song:
“Getting to know you, getting to know all about you, getting to know all the beautiful and new things
I’m learning about you, day by day.”
The wedding march is about to begin! Here comes the bride . . .

xiv
 Introduction by
David Yonggi and Grace Kim-Cho
The Yoido Full Gospel Church • Seoul, Korea

Y ears ago, we had breakfast in Seoul, Korea with Elmer Towns.This

was not the first time we had met Elmer or eaten together. We have been

friends for more than 25 years and love and respect one another. Our unique

bond is fasting and prayer, and our love for the Lord’s Prayer. In particular, we

have both written on these topics.We consider it a privilege to write the intro-

duction to this chapter on Isaac and Rebekah.

1
 Isaac was a godly young man, the child of Abraham, and a spiritual father.

He was the product of a supernatural birth, and God had promised to send

Jesus Christ through Isaac. Therefore, it was imperative for him to marry “in

the Lord” and to be faithful to the Lord all his life.

God supernaturally brought Rebekah into Isaac’s life.Theirs is a beautiful

love story.We have seen the same love story acted out in many young couples

in our church,The Yoido Full Gospel Church, in Seoul, Korea.

Isaac and Rebekah had difficulties adjusting and relating to one another.

Elmer and Ruth Towns poignantly tell the story of how Isaac wouldn’t talk to

his wife and how she constantly ran ahead of God’s will.As a result, there were

several occasions of a broken relationship in the home.Again, we have seen the

same thing happen in young couples in our church. Just as the answer in Bible

times was being correctly related to God, so is it today.

We pray that many young couples will read this book and begin to talk

together—thus strengthening the marriage God has given them. May God use

this book to strengthen Christian marriages around the world.

2
 LEARNING COMMUNICATION
A
Genesis 24–29

wedding is one of the most wonderful events in life. It lifts our spirits and gives us hope
for the future.Why? While the bride is the most beautiful she’s ever been in her life and the ceremony
and expensive reception that follow are lovely, a wedding is beautiful because it is a promise of perfect
harmony between two people.
The wedding of Isaac and Rebekah was one of the most special marriages in the Bible. Isaac was
the son of a powerful man, and what girl wouldn’t have wanted to marry Abraham’s son? Isaac would
inherit his father’s wealth, and his children would be in the lineage to the Messiah. Rebekah was beau-
tiful, youthful, energetic, and from the right family. She bubbled with enthusiasm and lived life to the
fullest.This “perfect” marriage that began so wonderfully…slowly eroded.
Their problem wasn’t money, position, or physical impairment. They had all the ingredients for a
perfect marriage—except one.They didn’t communicate.

 TENDER BEGINNINGS 

Abraham, the patriarch, was old and knew he would die soon. He knew his son needed a wife, and
he couldn’t travel back to his home to choose the girl. Abraham called on his wise servant, Eliezer, and
said,“You will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell;
but you shall go to my country and to my family, and take a wife for my son Isaac” (Gen. 24:3, 4).
Abraham thus established a set of parameters in choosing a mate for his son.

First, moral character is important.

The Canaanites who surrounded Abraham were immoral people; therefore, a Canaanite woman was
the wrong choice for his son.
Second, believers should marry believers.
Abraham drew from the principle seen throughout Scripture that when a believer marries an
ungodly person, the latter is sanctified through their faithful spouse (1 Cor. 7:10–16).

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Whom God Has Joined Together

Counseling Approach
Eliezer was a trusted servant and a great counselor. He had all the answers for
Rebekah’s questions. But should he have told her about Isaac and left nothing for her to
discover on her own?
He chose a bouncy, energetic workaholic for a quiet, thoughtful, rich kid. Neither
Rebekah nor Isaac had any idea how their differences would complement each other or
complicate their lives.
Studying the differences in other people will help you understand yourself. Open and
frank communication is necessary or a couple can drift apart. Like Isaac, a man might wrap
himself in his quiet world of meditation. Like Rebekah, a woman may energetically ven-
ture out on her own to find the satisfaction in life that she seeks.

What does 2 Corinthians 6:14, 15 say

about the importance of marrying a believer?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Third, pray and always seek God’s guidance.

As Eliezer traveled from the Holy Land back to Abraham’s people to find a wife for Isaac, he prayed.

In Genesis 24:12, what was Eliezer’s prayer as he began his journey?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

4
 Isaac and Rebekah

When Eliezer met Rebekah and asked for water, “She said, ‘Drink, my lord.’ Then she quickly let
her pitcher down to her hand, and gave him a drink” (Gen. 24:18). Rebekah was a diligent and hard
worker who also offered water to Eliezer’s camels. (This probably involved more than 100 gallons of
water.)

What qualities did Rebekah bring into this marriage?

Genesis 24:16 describes Rebekah as having two very desirable qualities.

What are they?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

So who should pray? Parents should begin praying for their childrens’ mate long before
the children are born, and should continue praying up until the time of marriage. But both
the man and woman should also pray for a long time concerning their mate. My mother
taught me to pray for the man I would marry along with the “Now I Lay Me Down”
prayer. “God bless Mommy, Daddy, David (my brother) and the man I marry.”

Rebekah was the kind of girl who bounced into a room, met everyone, and became the center of
attention. She was energetic, friendly, and outgoing. A wonderful quality for a wife is that she puts the
needs of others first. Not only did Rebekah meet others well, she understood their needs and offered
help. She even invited them to her home. But beyond all that, Rebekah could make a firm decision and
make it stick. As her family was debating whether she should go immediately to Isaac, she said, “I will
go” (Gen. 24:58).

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Whom God Has Joined Together

What qualities are necessary for a woman to be a good wife?

Look in Titus 2:4 and Proverbs 31:10–31.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What qualities did Isaac bring into the marriage?

When we first see Isaac in this story, he is out in the fields praying. He was a quiet, non-confronta-
tional, meditative man. Isaac inherited money from his father, along with servants and possessions. More
to the point, he inherited his father’s title and lineage. But most importantly, Isaac lived with a sense of
God’s divine purpose in his life (Gen. 26:24–29).

What qualities are necessary for a man to be a good husband?

Look in Ephesians 5:25–33 and 1 Peter 3:7.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

How can this marriage be described?

This is a marriage of opposites. Sometimes opposites attract to make a good marriage. They learn
from each other, help each other, and both grow in the Lord. But opposites can also repel.They can end
up fighting. Two equals (two people of the same nature) can have a good marriage because they think
alike, dream alike, and act alike. However, two equals may not challenge each other, and they may not
grow individually.Two equals can become too comfortable, and while there is nothing wrong with com-
fort when you have to go to sleep, a marriage takes work, sweat, and commitment.

6
 Isaac and Rebekah

What were the positive aspects

of Isaac and Rebekah’s relationship?
When Rebekah first met her husband, “she took a veil and covered herself ” (Gen. 24:65). While
this doesn’t mean much today, it was the custom in Bible times and indicated a respected social expec-
tation in their culture.
They were also respectful of their families. Before Rebekah left, she got her family’s blessing, and
then she became a part of Isaac’s family.

According to Genesis 24:67, what did Isaac do next?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Women may see things in other women that men may not see, so it is not unusual for a man to lis-
ten to the insight of his mother about his future wife.

According to Ephesians 5:28, how should a husband treat his wife?

And why is that important?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Love is the important foundation of a marriage. Speaking of Isaac and Rebekah, the Bible says,“he
loved her” (Gen. 24:67). A marriage without love is just a social contract that some feel they can break
when they feel they no longer love one another. But marriage is a union where the two become one.
The two are commanded to love one another.They must build their love to endure storms and trials.

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Whom God Has Joined Together

And they were tender toward one another.

A few years after the marriage, Isaac and Rebekah found themselves in Philistine territory. They
were living among the heathen, but even then the Bible describes Isaac as “showing endearment to
Rebekah his wife” (Gen. 26:8).

According to 1 Peter 3:3, 4,

what should be the most attractive thing about a wife?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Three Observations About

Marital Strife and Children
1. Children can’t solve a problem.
2. Sometimes children can accentuate the problem.
3. Sometimes children can bring a couple together.

 THEIR FIRST OBSTACLE: CHILDREN 

There was heartbreak in this marriage because Rebekah was not able to have children.The lack of
a child was a major problem to Isaac. Today, when a couple is squabbling and talking about a divorce,
some might mistakenly counsel, “If you had a baby, it will keep you together.”While a baby may keep
you together for a while, that is certainly not the reason to have a baby.

8
 Isaac and Rebekah

What compounded their problem?

First, we see a young girl with a lively personality who can’t have a baby.Today, infertility is a very
real problem, and it certainly shouldn’t reflect badly on either the husband or the wife. But in Bible
times, barrenness was a great embarrassment to a woman. If a woman couldn’t have a child, it was
believed to be because of sin in her life or some physical problem that made her less of a woman.
Remember, Isaac was the meditative one, so what did he do? He prayed on behalf of his wife to
the Lord, and “The LORD granted his plea, and Rebekah his wife conceived” (Gen. 25:21).
Aside from a lot of prayer, Isaac probably didn’t talk about much at all. Rebekah’s vivacious per-
sonality probably motivated her to talk about everything, and Isaac’s retiring ways may have led to the
communication problems. Regardless of how it started, things became difficult in their relationship
when Rebekah began having problems with her pregnancy.

What were the results of her difficult pregnancy?

Whether it was physical discomfort or real pain, what does Genesis 25:22
say about Rebekah’s pregnancy?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Isaac apparently didn’t talk about this problem with his wife, and since Rebekah couldn’t commu-
nicate with her husband, the Bible says,“she went to inquire of the LORD” (Gen. 25:22).While it is good
for a wife to pray when she and her husband are having difficulties, it is better when the two of them
talk and pray together.

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Whom God Has Joined Together

How can couples build better communication?

First, give each other an opportunity to talk, and don’t push your mate when he or she is not ready.
Second, find times when your mate is most open to communication and make the most of that
opportunity. Sometimes we wonder why our spouse seems disinterested in what we have to say. The
truth is we didn’t get his or her attention in the first place.
Third, don’t judge your spouse. Sometimes we are quick to correct what our spouse says, or we dis-
agree with him or her.This can shut down conversation.
Fourth, it’s OK to disagree, but be kind and respectful to one another. Don’t use sarcasm.
Fifth, we all want to be understood by our mate, and we often complain when that doesn’t happen.
If we would only try to understand our spouse, he or she might, in turn, try to understand us.
Sixth, don’t jump to conclusions. Be patient and listen.
And finally, try to give your undivided attention when your spouse wants to share something with
you. Sometimes we can give the impression that whatever our spouse says isn’t important. We need to
put other things aside and communicate.

 USING CHILDREN TO FULFILL A NEED 

Here was a marriage where two people were opposites; she was vivacious and outgoing and he was
quiet and contemplative. To compound the problem, the couple played favorites with their children.
Isaac was partial to Esau, the oldest son, and Rebekah was partial to her baby, Jacob. Isaac might have
been partial to Esau because he was a rugged outdoorsman who loved to go hunting and kill wild game.
Jacob, on the other hand, learned the culinary arts and could run errands for his mother.We see Isaac’s
vicarious pride in the manly ways of his son, Esau, while we see Rebekah enjoying the companionship
of her son, Jacob.This biblical family is a reflection of some contemporary families. Scripture reminds us
that there is nothing new under the sun.That covers family issues, too!

Where did it start?

When you look back at Isaac’s parents,Abraham and Sarah, you find a husband and wife who quar-
reled over their children.When Isaac was a small baby, Abraham and Sarah got into a big argument over
Isaac and Ishmael. Ishmael was Isaac’s son, but Sarah was not his mother. Ishmael lived in the family with
his mother, Hagar. Even though this seems to be an unnatural relationship to us today, in Bible times, a
man could have a child by one of his slaves. Since Sarah appeared unable to conceive, Abraham had a

10
 Isaac and Rebekah

child with his slave, Hagar. The story of this difficult arrangement ended when Sarah demanded that
Abraham get rid of Hagar and her son, Ishmael. Ironically, a generation later, Abraham and Sarah fought
over their children.

In Genesis 25:28, what is said about Isaac and Rebekah’s

relationship with their children?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What happens to children when their parents take sides?

Parental favoritism can upset a child’s personality. Rebekah made sure Jacob had the best of every-
thing. So some time later, Rebekah devised a plan to make sure Jacob received the spiritual blessing from
his father. At the same time, Isaac saw Esau as the extension of his dream.
Children bond with their parents to the same degree that parents bond with each other.When par-
ents fight, children are frightened and become insecure about the family unit.
Jacob rebelled against his parents by stealing the birthright, and later the blessing, from his brother,
Esau. God had told Rebekah,“And the older shall serve the younger.” (Gen. 25:23). If Rebekah had told
Isaac and both parents had talked to their children, Jacob wouldn’t have had to steal anything. But the
lack of communication was the problem.

In Genesis 27:36, what is Esau’s reaction

to losing everything to his younger brother?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

11
Whom God Has Joined Together

In retaliation, Esau ran away and married two Hittite women. After the birthright was stolen by
Jacob, it would have been the perfect time to have a “family council” to talk over problems and make
long-term plans. But when parents refuse to face their problems, the problems just get bigger.
Isaac had secretly planned to bless Esau (Gen. 27:1–4) and give him the majority of the financial
inheritance. Perhaps Isaac wouldn’t have made secret plans to bless Esau if Rebekah had told him about
Jacob being God’s choice. But their marriage
lacked the critical element of communication. So
“Let the words of my mouth and the Rebekah sprang into action and devised the plan
meditations of my heart be acceptable for Jacob to get the blessing rather than Esau
in Thy sight, O Lord, my strength (Gen. 27:15-17).
and my Redeemer” (Psalm 19:14). Isaac unknowingly blessed his son, Jacob,
promising that Jacob would be the spiritual head
of the family and the one through whom the
Messiah would come. When Esau arrived at his father’s tent to get the blessing from him, Isaac trem-
bled. He would not and could not reverse himself.The blessing was an irreversible verbal oath. Even in
this emotionally tense moment, Isaac’s word was his bond.
As a result of this treachery, Esau hated Jacob and vowed to kill him (Gen. 27:41).This would have
been a perfect time for father and mother to repair all the damage that had been done over the years.
But it was too late—the damage had been done. Isaac wouldn’t talk and Rebekah wouldn’t listen.Again,
Rebekah covered up the real problem by telling her husband a half-truth. She complained about Esau’s
choice of a wife under the guise of her plan to send Jacob to her people to find a wife. How else could
she keep Jacob safe from the wrath of Esau?
So what has happened? Rebekah has alienated her husband, she has estranged her firstborn son, and
now she has sent Jacob away to keep him from harm’s way. Unfortunately, she died before Jacob returned
and she never saw her beloved son again.

After reading Ephesians 5:22–33, in your own words, describe what you think
the source of happiness in a good marriage should be?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

12
 Isaac and Rebekah

Practical Take-Aways
It takes two to communicate and two to quarrel.
These are the greatest lessons to learn from Rebekah and Isaac.While she might have thought her
husband was at fault because of his contemplative separation, Isaac might have blamed Rebekah for their
problems. But both were equally responsible for their problems and lack of communication.

It doesn’t really matter who is at fault.

When a couple realizes they are in trouble, they should remember their marital promise.When you
make the marital promise to each other, the Lord says you are one.When you realize you’re becoming
two, going in two different directions, and you have two opinions, STOP! Call a time out so both of
you can come together as one and talk about the problem.

Remember the power of two.

Come together and say,“I need you,” and then say,“We need God.”You can’t build a marital home
on one person; it takes the power of two and the power of prayer. Both a good husband and a good wife
are needed for a good marriage, to train good children and to plan for a good future.

Begin sharing ideas and dreams.

If it’s your nature to be quiet, try to talk. If you’ve been critical, begin to listen.Talk about the future.
It’s where both of you and your children will live. Be careful to plant healthy ideas in your children and
dream reachable goals for yourselves. Let your children see you praying, and pray together as a family.

Approach your problems as one person.

Make a list of the obstacles that the two of you have. Each of you should suggest issues that have
come between you.When you get the obstacles down on paper, try to prioritize them from the biggest
issue down to the most minor issue.There should be one list completed together as a couple—and a dif-
ferent one from your individual lists. As you talk and pray about your mutual problems, God can give
you answers.

13
Whom God Has Joined Together

Journaling
Writing down your thoughts is a discipline that makes you think clearly about a subject. Since you
are serious about developing a strong marriage, use the following questions to guide your thoughts and
writings. Remember, writing will clarify your thinking when you write out the things you plan to do.

For example:
Lord, as we look at Rebekah and Isaac, we are so sorry for times when we’ve
allowed our own selfishness and jealousy to overtake our thoughts and our decisions.
We’re sorry for the times we excluded each other from those thoughts and decisions.
Please forgive us. Let our marriage be an example to our children, not a force that
drives them away.Thank You for guiding our love for each other.

1. Recall some occasions where you’ve had great communication in the past. Why was it
wonderful?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

2. What are some external factors that block communication between you and your mate?
His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

14
 Isaac and Rebekah

3. What will you do differently to more aggressively communicate with your mate this week?
His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

4. What are some of your traits that make for great communication? Poor communication?
His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

Marriage–Strengthening Exercises
Go on a date.
Go out for a meal (without the kids) so the two of you can talk. If needed, prepare a list of things
you can discuss.

Go on a second honeymoon.
Go on a second honeymoon to the place where you originally felt great happiness and joy, or go
to some other place that has great meaning for both of you.

15
Whom God Has Joined Together

Practice talking.
Practice talking through your needs or complaints.You can’t expect your mate to know your mind
if you don’t communicate.

Observe and discuss.

Observe couples you admire. Discuss why you admire them.

Listen.
God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we may hear twice as much as we speak!

16
 Introduction by
Mike and Cindy Jacobs
Generals of Intercession • Colorado Springs, Colorado

M arriage is one of life’s greatest adventures! At the time of

this writing, we have been married for 29 years. The other day, we shared a

moment of “down time” and thought about the fact that we have been mar-

ried longer than we were single. In fact, those single days almost seem like they

were other people rather than us. Come to think of it, we were other people.

One key to married life is realizing that you have made a commitment

17
and covenant before God.This brings a depth of contentment that one might

not otherwise attain.We know that, despite a few extra pounds and a few sus-

picious-looking gray hairs, we aren’t looking for anyone else to fulfill us.

In thinking of a future spouse, realize that the covenant decision that you

make is critical to the success of the marriage. Part of that covenant is the

choice to be transparent with one another and not hide secrets. In the follow-

ing chapter, Rachel was deceitful in her ways. And Jacob was also a deceiver.

However, we know that God transformed him.

When considering a marriage partner, look for character qualities that will

last even if the clothing size increases. A person who is godly will have eyes

only for you and no one else. They will not have anything at all to hide and

will also show constancy in their ways.

We love each other very much today. Our love is richer in many ways,

even though we have had our challenging moments. Look into the life of the

person you are considering to marry before you leap. Measure his or her char-

acter by God’s Word. Then you will find that your days together will grow

increasingly more precious with each passing year.

18
 LEARNING CONTENTMENT
J Genesis 28–32

acob was a young, unmarried man when his brother, Esau, threatened to kill him and he was
forced to run away from home. Jacob had tricked his brother out of the birthright to become the spir-
itual head of the family and to receive a double portion of inheritance. Jacob’s mother sent him back to
Mesopotamia—the land between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers—to live with her brother, Laban, until
things settled down at home.
When Jacob left his home for a new life, little did he know that he would never see his mother
again.The first night on the road, the Lord said to him,“Behold, I am with you and will keep you wher-
ever you go, then I will bring you back to this Promised Land, for I will not leave you until I have fin-
ished everything I have promised you” (Gen. 28:15, author’s translation).
When Jacob neared Haran, the land of his mother’s family, he saw shepherds sitting around a well.
He asked, “Do you know Laban, the son of Nahor?”

Counseling Approach
Siblings fight. Did you ever see children in a family who didn’t fight? A younger child
sees the older one get new clothes while he or she gets the hand–me–downs. Big brothers
and sisters can become increasingly insensitive to their younger siblings as their own social
world expands.
Sometimes parents unintentionally favor the cute “baby of the family” with softer dis-
cipline and even spoil him or her. Parents will plant seeds of habit in their children that,
good or bad, will govern their behavior the rest of their lives.
Not only would Rachel’s older sister, Leah, marry Jacob first, but Leah would have chil-
dren first. Rachel knew she had Jacob’s love, but she couldn’t seem to have his children.
She would be disgraced and embarrassed.
Sibling rivalry became pure jealousy and grew into marital dysfunction. Be careful—
your children will be influenced by your attitudes and actions. Parents teach good and bad
behavior when they don’t realize they’re being observed.

19
Whom God Has Joined Together

“Yes,” a young man answered.Then, pointing to a beautiful young lady coming down the road, he
explained, “His daughter Rachel is coming with the sheep” (Gen. 29:4–6). The young men were
assigned to take care of the well, but Jacob convinced them to go about their duties because he would
take care of the well. When he saw Rachel, it was love at first sight. She “was beautiful of form and
appearance” (Gen. 29:17). Since young boys like to show off to impress young girls, he quickly rolled
the stone from the well and watered all of Laban’s sheep.
Because he was passionate,“Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice and wept” (Gen. 29:11). He
knew God had guided him on this journey and now he felt Rachel was the answer to his prayer.While
our culture might frown on men who express their feelings so readily, Jacob wept at the providential
care and guidance of God.

What is the wrong motive for marriage?

Read Romans 8:5, 6 and 2 Corinthians 10:7.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

How Long Before Engagement?

❦ Long enough to know the character he or she brings to a lifelong commitment.
❦ Long enough to know if it’s true love and not just sexual attraction.
❦ Long enough to know the real person and not just an idealized dream
of the other person.

True Love Flourishes with Unvarnished Truth

Jacob stayed with Uncle Laban for about a month. Jacob probably spent too much time talking to
his daughter, Rachel, instead of earning his keep in Laban’s fields. Since young Jacob didn’t have a dowry
to offer for the marriage of Rachel, Laban suggested a plan. He said, “If you work for me, I’ll give you
my daughter as a bride.”

20
 Jacob and Rachel

“I will serve you seven years for Rachel your younger daughter,” young Jacob proposed to Laban
(Gen. 29:18). While it was not a hasty marriage, it surely was a hasty decision. Jacob was about to be
tricked.What did Jacob know about Rachel, other than her outward beauty? How long should a man
know a woman before proposing?

What advice could be given to a young man thinking about marriage?

See Proverbs 18:22.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

According to Titus 2:4, 5,

what advice could be given to a young woman thinking about marriage?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

CAN A MARRIAGE BEGIN WITH PHYSICAL

ATTRACTION AND GROW INTO LASTING LOVE? 

This relationship of Jacob and Rachel began with mere attraction. However, Rachel and Jacob
would be separated during the seven years of servitude. Jacob would be keeping sheep in the fields;
Rachel would be near the house under the watchful eye of her mother.

21
Whom God Has Joined Together

Did Jacob lose his feelings for Rachel

during the seven years of service?
It seems that absence made his heart grow fonder.“So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they
seemed only a few days to him because of the love he had for her” (Gen. 29:20).

Marry in Haste, Repent in Leisure

❦ Infatuation is always in a hurry, because it is self–centered.
❦ Infatuation says I must marry soon, because you make me feel great, and I want
more.
❦ Love says, “I can wait to make sure that marriage is good for us.”

When the seven years of service were over, Jacob quickly asked for Rachel and the marriage ban-
quet. He felt getting Rachel would solve all his problems and they would live happily ever after. But the
devious Laban substituted Leah for Rachel in the tent on the wedding night. Later, he would tell Jacob
that,“I can’t give my younger daughter before the older.” But all the while, Laban was scheming against
the young Jacob, who was leading with his heart. Jacob the trickster was tricked by the sly Laban.
A marriage can have no depth when it is solemnized by trickery or through mere inducements like
sex, money, the good life, or even children. Marriage is not one big date. Many have made an empty
promise that they didn’t intend to keep because they wanted to get married. Men sometimes promise
they will quit drinking or running around with the boys or give up certain habits—“If only you’ll marry
me.”

What was Laban’s solution to the problem?

When Jacob finished letting off steam about being deceived, Laban explained to him that he had
another plan. “Fulfill her week, and we will give you this one also for the service which you will serve
with me still another seven years” (Gen. 29:27). All Jacob had to do was give Leah one happy week of
marriage, then the family would permit Rachel to marry Jacob—after seven more years of work.
Many commentaries think that Jacob could have rejected Leah and not married her.After all, Jacob
did agree on a “contract” for the younger daughter, Rachel. Maybe Jacob married Leah because he was

22
 Jacob and Rachel

concerned about losing his down payment, the seven years of service. If he turned Leah down, he’d walk
away with nothing.
Other commentators say that Jacob accepted Leah as his wife simply because it was God’s will.
While Leah was not as beautiful, nor was she Jacob’s choice, it seems that Leah was God’s choice. Jesus,
the Messiah, came through Leah. Also, when
Jacob died, he chose to be buried next to Leah,
who had borne him ten sons. Perhaps Jacob It is more likely to be true love
should have walked away with Leah and forgot-
ten Rachel. But he was listening to his heart, not
if it endures the first separation.
his head.
There are many men like Jacob who haven’t
let go of an infatuation with someone very beautiful in the past. Anyone can become addicted to the
pleasant memories of a lost love and rob them of happiness in a healthy marriage.They only remember
the illusion of the past that never really existed—the unattainable ideal.

Does God’s will include bigamy?

The answer obviously is “NO!” God’s plan from the beginning has always been one man for one
woman, for one lifetime. However, when you see Jacob with two wives, and the blessing of God upon
his life, what does that tell you about God working out His plan? First of all, God uses people where He
finds them, and He uses their sinful lives for His purposes. People are fallen human beings—none of us
are sinless. God purposely uses imperfect people to carry out His perfect plan to reveal His glory. Jacob
chose two wives. Even though God blessed Jacob in a bigamous marriage, he had twice the problems,
twice the heartache, and twice the deception to deal with.

Lessons My Mother Taught Me

❦ Never marry a man to change him.
❦ Never marry on promises to reform.

23
Whom God Has Joined Together

So why include the story of a bigamist in the Bible?

The story of two wives had to be included because that’s the way it happened.The Bible describes,
as well as prescribes.

What is the difference between a good man and woman

and a foolish man and woman? Read Proverbs 12:2–4 for the answer.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What Was Unjustified

About Rachel’s Jealousy?
❦ Rachel had the gift of beauty.
❦ Rachel had her husband’s love.
❦ Rachel had everything in life except children.

RACHEL’S TRUE CHARACTER

 COMES OUT AFTER MARRIAGE 

What was Rachel’s response when Leah had children?

Rachel developed a cancerous jealousy of Leah. She went to her husband to complain, “Give me
children, or else I die!” (Gen. 30:1). Rachel’s immaturity here may reveal a somewhat spoiled childhood
as the younger sibling. She always got her way.

24
 Jacob and Rachel

When Rachel fussed at Jacob, he fussed back: “Am I in the place of God, who has withheld from
you the fruit of the womb?” (Gen. 30:2). The sweet, little girl was becoming envious, demanding, and
discontented. People can’t be made happy by giving them everything they want.
Today we see the sad irony of discontented couples that desperately want children alongside others
who reject the unborn child they have. The
problem is not the outward circumstances; it’s a
heart problem. There are bored homemakers Noble character is consciously doing
who want to go to work while there are work- the right thing for the right reasons.
ing mothers longing to stay home with their
children. There are people who don’t like their
homes, their jobs, the amount of money their spouse makes, their spouse’s habits, or even their spouse.
Life is made up of choices. People choose the bad attitudes they express. Just as you can change your
choice, so an attitude can be chosen.

Discontentment: A Downward Spiral

❦ Discontentment turns love into disillusionment.
❦ Discontentment turns love into resentment.
❦ Discontentment turns love into hatred and rejection.

Dealing with Discontentment

❦ Talk it out together honestly, patiently, and lovingly.
❦ Change your expectations—make them realistic, but encouraging.
❦ Talk about the reasons for your discontentment without accusing.
❦ Focus on your spouse’s good qualities and spiritual gifts.
❦ Don’t feed your discontentment—“Godliness with contentment is great gain”
(1 Tim. 6:6).
❦ Re-educate your desires—“I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content”
(Phil. 4:11).

25
Whom God Has Joined Together

How did Rachel deal with her childlessness?

For a girl who had such advantages, Rachel wasn’t content without a baby. Her older sister was now
more celebrated than her, having one baby after another. So Rachel devised a plan. “Rachel told Jacob,
‘Sleep with my servant, Bilhah, and she shall bear children for you’” (Gen. 30:3, author’s translation).
Rachel was determined to have a child, even if it was by her servant girl.

How did Rachel get along with her sister in the home?
Obviously, Rachel was the dominant presence. Most likely, she always got her way because of two
things: First, she had Jacob’s love, and second, she had a dominating vengeance. Rachel boasted, “With
many wrestlings I have wrestled with my sister, and I have indeed won” (Gen. 30:8, author’s translation).
But just having children with her maidservant didn’t satisfy Rachel. She always wanted something
she didn’t have. She wanted her own child. Leah’s four-year-old boy, Reuben, found some special roots
called “mandrakes,” (something like rhubarb) and brought them home to Leah. According to the tradi-
tion of their day, mandrakes would make one fertile. Rachel saw them in the tent and begged for them.
Leah angrily replied, “Is it a small matter that you have taken away my husband? Would you take away
my son’s mandrakes also?” (Gen. 30:15).
These two sisters spit out their jealousy and venom at each other, but selfish Rachel wanted the spe-
cial roots more than anything else in life; even more than the love of her husband. She promised to get
Jacob to sleep with Leah that night if she would give her the roots.” (Gen. 30:15).

Read Proverbs 9:13 and 21:19

In what ways does Rachel fit these verses?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Because Leah was always in second place, she would do anything to receive love from Jacob. She
gave Rachel the roots and accepted Rachel’s promise. That night Jacob indeed came to Leah and, in
God’s providence, Leah again conceived and delivered another son.

26
 Jacob and Rachel

Was Rachel content when she finally gave birth to a son?

After years of praying and waiting, God finally blessed her.We don’t have any idea if the mandrake
roots had anything to do with it, but she did conceive, and the pregnancy went to its full term. Rachel
delivered a boy, the eleventh son of Jacob.The new baby was called Joseph, which means,“May he add.”
Even in the name Rachel gave her son, she again reveals her lack of contentment when she said, “The
Lord shall add to me another son” (Gen. 30:24).
Because of her discontented heart, Rachel was never satisfied. She wasn’t happy with one son; she
wanted another.When she counted her rival’s many sons compared to her one son, she still felt empty
and jealous. Every time she saw little Joseph running around the tent, it reminded her of her hunger to
have another son. Rachel was not going to let her younger glory be overshadowed by her sister, Leah.

How did Rachel show her nature

when leaving her father’s family?
The time came for Jacob to leave his father-in-law, Laban. He had worked hard for Laban, all the
while becoming richer while Laban became poorer. After Jacob worked for 14 years for his two wives,
he continued working for Laban to support his growing family. Jacob gathered herds of his own. Even
though Laban and Jacob agreed on the amount of Jacob’s wages at the beginning of each year, God
blessed Jacob more than Laban. Jacob was getting rich. While the situation seemed acceptable to both
men, it was not acceptable to Laban’s sons.They constantly criticized Jacob to their father.
Jacob felt their snipping was unjust and knew he had to leave Mesopotamia to return home to the
future Holy Land. But he couldn’t risk leaving in the daylight, so he waited until Laban went off to shear
his sheep. Quickly Jacob packed up his eleven sons, two wives, and all his possessions and began the long
journey. Just before leaving, Rachel stole her father’s valuable idols (Gen. 31:19). This doesn’t mean
Rachel was an idolater or that she would have worshipped idols. The images represented the family’s
inheritance, and the child that possessed the idols was supposed to inherit. Again, Rachel was up to her
old tricks. She stole the idols before they left to try to assure something from Laban’s estate despite
leaving.
Laban and his men pursued Jacob on horses, while Jacob and his family traveled slowly, herding the
flocks along with them. When Laban caught up with them, he and his warriors began rummaging
through all the baggage to find his idols. Jacob claimed innocence—he knew he didn’t steal the idols
and didn’t think anyone else had them.

27
Whom God Has Joined Together

When Laban came to Rachel sitting on the camel, she claimed it was her menstrual time of the
month and wouldn’t dismount from the camel. In reality, she was sitting on the idols. Rachel was beau-
tiful, but she was also very shallow and devious.

 DID THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER? 

Despite Rachel’s shenanigans, Jacob still protected her more than the rest of the family when they
faced danger (Gen. 33:2). Jacob’s heart was shackled to Rachel’s allure over him.
Rachel had said early in life, “Give me a son, or I die!” She didn’t know that in having her second
son she would die. Sometimes the self-centered pursuit of our heart’s desire can result in great loss, pain,
and even destruction. Rachel had severe labor pains when giving birth to her second son, which some
have said caused her death. Right before she died, she named her second son Ben-Oni, which means,
“Son of My Sorrow.” Jacob, however, renamed him Benjamin, meaning “Son of My Right Hand.”

Read Proverbs 11:29.

What does this verse say about the result of Rachel’s actions?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Jacob buried Rachel by the side of the road where a tomb still remains today between Bethlehem
and Jerusalem.We have visited Rachel’s tomb frequently and each time have thought about the strange
relationships in this dysfunctional family.There she is buried alone. Jacob is buried by the side of Leah,
miles away in Hebron.

Did Jacob ever get over Rachel after she died?

Even though Jacob had twelve sons, he was over-protective of Benjamin because he reminded him
of Rachel, the wife he loved the most. Jacob never broke free of her tender shackles, even after she was
dead.

28
 Jacob and Rachel

What can be said about the burial of the two wives?

It’s ironic that the relationship you see in the burial of the two wives never happens in real life. Jacob
requested to be buried by the side of Leah (Gen. 49:29–33), and this was done. Leah, despite never being
able to enjoy Jacob’s side in life, rested there in death. At the same time, this left discontented Rachel,
who had everything, lying alone by the side of the road.

Notice the context of marriage in Hebrews 13:4, 5.

What should be one’s objective in marriage?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Practical Take–Aways
Is discontentment poisoning your marriage?
You can assess your level of satisfaction to determine if you are capable of being a happy person.
Are you happy with your spouse? with your home? with yourself? If you aren’t satisfied with your mar-
riage, you’re taking something away from all of them. Is something vital really wrong or is your heart
somewhat like Rachel’s?

Is your discontentment keeping you from enjoying life?

If you are always seeking happiness somewhere else, with someone else, or doing something else,
then you’re not happy at home. Since home is a large part of our identity and the place we spend most
of our lives, then discontentment with the home (house, marriage, spouse, etc.) produces discontentment
with life.

Does your discontentment keep you from relating to people?

If you are discontented, you’re not happy with the people around you.A discontented person always
wants more: more money, more fun, more adventure. Usually, a discontented person doesn’t help anoth-
er person find happiness in life. A chronically discontented person like Rachel is only concerned with
making himself or herself happy. Discontentment is the fruit of selfishness.

29
Whom God Has Joined Together

Discontentment leads to loneliness.

Discontentment will cut you off from those who can bring happiness. When you’re discontented
with life, you search in every direction to find a shallow satisfaction. Deep joy, however, can be had by
a quiet, unselfish heart.

Your first and greatest contentment is found in God.

This chapter doesn’t focus on the deeper Christian life; but remember who made you to know His
joy and not to see it first in things, money, advancement, or even in other people.“Be content with such
things as you have. For He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you’” (Heb. 13:5).

Journaling
Writing down your thoughts is a discipline that makes you think clearly about a subject. Since you
are serious about developing a strong marriage, use the following questions to guide your thoughts and
writings. Remember, writing will clarify your thinking when you write out the things you plan to do.

Example:
Lord, when we think life isn’t fair, remind us that we are not always fair to oth-
ers. Sometimes we show more attention to one child or grandchild than another.We
know we’ve been guilty of responding more to the family member who does things
our way or to the one who agrees most with us.We pay attention to people who pay
attention to us. Help us appreciate the way You lead even when we don’t understand
or see the end result.

30
 Jacob and Rachel

1. Sometimes we need to confess our sins or weaknesses on paper.Write out the selfish or mean
things you do that have stunted your spiritual growth or harmed your relationship with your
spouse.

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

2. Describe a person who has made a positive influence on you or your marriage. How did he
or she do it? Was he or she ever selfish or mean? What were his or her good qualities?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________
____________________________ ____________________________

31
Whom God Has Joined Together

3. Describe some changes in your heart that would strengthen your marriage.
His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

4. Describe some changes in your spouse that you’d like to see happen for his or her good.What
can you do to influence a change in his or her life? Remember, nagging will not open someone up
to change but will instead close him or her off to anything you say.

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

32
 Jacob and Rachel

Marriage-Strengthening Exercises
Sit down and talk.
Find yourself a seat somewhere around the house where you can enjoy one another and do some
problem-solving (i.e., a porch swing, patio, family room) or talk about things that are not controversial.

Take a blessings inventory.

Get together to make an inventory of your blessings. Practice complimenting your spouse’s accom-
plishments. Contentment and accomplishments enlarge each other.

Take a walk together.

Leave home and take a walk together. Plan a destination.

Treat yourselves to a treat!

Have coffee together (or a banana split) and enjoy a treat and time together.

Plan a little vacation.

Plan a vacation together. Make it far into the future. Sometimes the greatest happiness we get from
vacations is not actually being there, but in anticipation of the satisfaction you will have getting there.
Future plans will tighten the bond in marriage and inspire you to work together.

33
 Introduction by
Bill and Vonette Bright
Campus Crusade for Christ • Orlando, Florida

W e are impressed with this workbook for many reasons: First,

because of its purpose to help encourage and strengthen married couples in

the Lord. The enemy has targeted the Christian family, and if he can drive a

wedge between husband and wife, he can destroy the Christian testimony of

the home, if not the home itself.We believe these solid Bible lessons from bib-

lical characters will make wonderful lessons for Bible classes.

35
 There’s a second reason we endorse this book. It’s the practical involve-

ment at the end of each chapter. If a couple will study the questions through-

out together, and work on “Journaling,” then work through the “Practical

Take–Aways,” it will greatly strengthen their marriage.And the applications are

tied to the Bible lessons the stories teach.

There’s a third reason we are excited about this project. Elmer and Ruth

have been married for 50 years.Their marriage is a powerful confirmation of

their teaching! But more than just having a solid Christian marriage, they have

served the Lord together. Ruth is a graduate of Liberty University and Liberty

Baptist Theological Seminary, and Elmer has been to several seminaries; but

they’ve prepared together. Isn’t together a wonderful word? That’s what we pray

will happen to your marriage, that you and your spouse will be “bonded”

together, just as God said about Adam and Eve: “That they may be one.”

Elmer and Ruth have served the Lord together as pastor and wife, Bible

college president and wife, professor and professor. Now they want to help you

strengthen your marriage. Our prayer is that God will strengthen many mar-

riages for His service and for His glory because of this excellent book.

36
 LEARNING TO LIVE
AFTER THE HONEYMOON
I
Genesis 1–5

f ever there was a marriage made in heaven, it happened when God brought Adam and Eve
together, performed the ceremony, and placed them in a perfect environment. He gave them a task to
do, and provided for all their needs. Let’s set the scene.

Adam and Eve

❦ Perfectly made for each other by God Himself.
❦ Perfectly created in God’s image.
❦ Provided a perfect home.
❦ In perfect relationship with God.
❦ God Himself was their marriage counselor and always available.
❦ Had a perfect diet; they were strong and in vibrant health.
❦ Their “perfect” relationship was still attacked by Satan.

Adam was a perfect husband. After all, he was molded by the Master Craftsman Himself—God!

According to Genesis 2:7, how was Adam created?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

37
Whom God Has Joined Together

More than that, Adam had a God-like personality because God said, “Let Us make man in Our
image, according to Our likeness” (Gen. 1:26).What more could be said about Adam? He was flawless—
he had a perfect physique, he was ruggedly handsome, brilliant, emotionally innocent, and other-cen-
tered in his heart. If ever there was a perfect candidate to be a perfect husband, it was Adam. Eve also
was the perfect wife.

According to Genesis 2:18, why did God create Eve?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Eve was beautiful, gracious, and no doubt had a creative intellect. She was a perfect helpmeet for
Adam, equal in divine standing, purpose, and quality of life.

Read Genesis 2:23 to learn how Adam perceived Eve.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What was the pattern God used to create Adam and Eve?
Look in Genesis 1:27 for the answer.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

38
 Adam and Eve

Counseling Approach
Adam and Eve were the perfect couple. They were literally made for each other! They
had everything it takes for the perfect marriage.
Neither of them brought leftover baggage to the marriage. There were no secrets, no
previous love life, and no pre–conceived ideas of marriage.
God gave them the perfect home, animals to enjoy, new things to discover, and a per-
fect relationship with Him. He met them every evening for fellowship and a walk in the
garden.
God gave them everything they would ever need. They even had the perfect diet with
no disease. They could eat anything they wanted—except one thing.
Despite everything, Adam and Eve still fulfilled the divine purpose for their marriage.

What was God’s great calling for them? Read Genesis 1:27, 28.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Think of their responsibilities.They could serve the Lord God by simply being fruitful and multi-
plying themselves. But God also wanted them to be happy in marriage.
When Adam named all the animals, he saw them male and female; but he did not have a mate. As
Adam named the animals, it made him feel alone. God created woman for the happiness of man, and in
the same unconditional way, man gives happiness to the woman because a good marriage reflects love
within itself as well as outside of itself.Your marriage can be the happiest thing in life, but if you allow
rebellion and sin to take root in your marriage, it can be robbed of happiness and fruitfulness.

39
Whom God Has Joined Together

What was the result of the union of the first marriage?

Write what you think the phrase “one flesh” means.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What Eve Brought to Adam:

❦ She was a part of him.
❦ She was a complement to him.
❦ She was his counterpart.
❦ She ended his loneliness.
❦ She filled him with happiness.
❦ They were a perfect “fit.”

What was the work God gave them?

After God brought the man and woman together, He had a task for them.

According to Genesis 2:15, what did God want them to do?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

40
 Adam and Eve

Can you imagine a farm where there are no weeds, no parasites, and no disease? While Adam did
work, it was not treacherous work, nor was it painful, because there were no obstacles. It was successful
work, because when the Lord God planted a garden, what plant would refuse to grow? What garden
would refuse to produce its fruit?

How did Eve assist Adam?

Eve was called to be a helpmeet, which doesn’t mean a servant or slave.The word help means that
what you do, your helper also does. Therefore, as Adam worked in the garden, Eve worked alongside
him, helping him in his labor.

What was the nature of Adam’s leadership?

The very nature of the word helpmeet means that Eve was to help Adam in his work. But that word
helpmeet implies that Adam was the leader and she was his helper. God had given Adam a task, and He
gave Eve to him as his helpmeet.

How Was Eve a Helpmeet?

❦ She assisted.
❦ She encouraged.
❦ She advised.
❦ She inspired.
❦ She responded to Adam’s leadership.

41
Whom God Has Joined Together

How Did Adam Display Leadership?

❦ He accepted Eve’s help.
❦ He listened to her advice.
❦ He treated her fairly.
❦ He was grateful for her.

How was their marriage described?

When you look at the marriage of Adam and Eve, how did they get along? First, they were pure
and innocent, because the Bible says, “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not
ashamed” (Gen. 2:25). This implies they were pure in their thoughts, their actions, and in all they did.
But also, there was no strife or anger because sin had not yet been introduced into the world.Adam and
Eve got along harmoniously with each other because they had peace with God. They lived in paradise
because Eden was “the Paradise of God” (Rev. 2:7). Inasmuch as the word paradise means orchard or
park, it is a place where everything is beautiful and orderly. Everything was as it should have been.

How did the first couple express their oneness? See Ephesians 5:31.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

 WHEN THE HONEYMOON IS OVER 

How long was it before Adam and Eve sinned?

We don’t know how long it was before Adam and Eve sinned. But it probably wasn’t very long. As
a matter of fact, it may have been less than a month.They had a wonderful honeymoon (the word hon-
eymoon means “first moon” or “first month”). Can you imagine going on a honeymoon that was planned
by God, paid for by God, and everything was perfect?

42
 Adam and Eve

How shall a man and wife express their “oneness” today?

See Ephesians 5:33.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What Is a Honeymoon?
❦ The fulfilment of a lifelong dream.
❦ The sweetest time of marriage.
❦ Beginning marriage with the best.
❦ Beginning marriage with the full expression of love.
❦ The foundation for a future life.
❦ A prediction of the future.

How did Satan get Eve to make a bad choice?

God had told Adam that they could eat of every tree in the garden. But the food they were pro-
vided did not include fruit from the tree that was prohibited to them. Food grew on all the trees, and
the couple had access to all of the fruit except the one tree in the middle of the garden. It was a special
tree.
God had told Adam that he was not to eat of the central tree in the garden. If God told Eve direct-
ly not to eat of that tree, that conversation is not recorded in the Bible. It was Adam’s responsibility to
tell Eve, and he did. Eve knew that she was not supposed to eat of the tree, and she knew that she would
die if she did. (By the way, sin was not in the fruit of that one tree. It was in disobeying God.)
It’s easy to see how Satan found a stronghold. First, Satan placed a doubt in Eve’s mind: “Has God
indeed said?” (Gen. 3:1). Second, Satan denied what God had said with his reply,“You will not surely die”
(v. 4). And finally, Satan distorted what God had said, “For God knows that in the day you eat of it your
eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil” (v. 5).

43
Whom God Has Joined Together

Be careful in making decisions.Your decisions can have a lasting effect on your life and on others
for generations. As for Eve, she second-guessed God’s purposes and commands concerning the forbid-
den tree, and Satan used this to tempt and deceive her.
Adam chose not to intervene, though he was present the whole time (v. 6). Instead, he disobeyed
God with open eyes, following Eve into his own curse instead of leading her to obedience.

Why did Eve flirt with temptation?

Eve had everything a woman could want in life. She had a wonderful husband, a perfect environ-
ment, and all she wanted to eat. But the fruit on the tree was a temptation to her. What caused her to
even go near the tree? Why did she spend time around the one thing God warned about? The woman
felt that the tree had something for her that she didn’t have.The more she looked at the fruit, the more
it became an obsession. And when she could resist it no longer, she took it and ate it and then gave to
her husband.
Genesis 3:6 says,“When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the
eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband
with her, and he ate.”
One of the most powerful words in life is together, because God put a man and woman together. As
companions, a husband and wife can do much for God together.They are uniquely gifted to encourage
each other toward good works and a growing faith.

What influence can a woman have upon a man?

As in the garden, the woman that a man loves is a powerful presence in his life. In Adam’s case, this
power seems to have distracted him from obeying God. But don’t forget that in the same way, the spir-
itual commitment of a wife can also lift her husband.

How did Adam and Eve respond to their sin?

First, since Adam was the head, he knew he was responsible.

44
 Adam and Eve

According to Genesis 3:12, what did he say?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Adam wanted to blame God for his sin, so he blamed God for giving Eve to him in the first place.
But since leadership also influences followers, Eve did the same.

According to Genesis 3:13, who did Eve blame?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Many times marriages are destroyed because the husband or wife will not take responsibility for his
or her problems. A husband may rebel when his wife wants him to do what is right. He might blame
her for his rebellion. A wife may follow the same practice. What’s the problem? They both blame each
other, rather than taking responsibility.

What was the consequence of Adam’s sin?

Because Adam was given leadership over all things, his one sin conveyed consequences to all of cre-
ation.

Did God leave them without hope?

No! Even though Adam and Eve sinned, God came to them with redemption. First, God clothed
them with the skins of an animal.Throughout Christian tradition, teachers have taught that the animal

45
Whom God Has Joined Together

was a lamb because God later required the blood of a lamb to be shed for the covering of sin (John.
1:29).
Second, God promised that the seed of Eve would deliver them (Gen. 3:15).When Cain was born,
Eve laughed with delight:“I have acquired a man from the Lord” (4:1). She must have thought that Cain
was her deliverer, as well as the deliverer of the human race. But time proved her wrong; Cain killed his
brother, Abel. Eventually, Eve conceived again and with hope she said,“For God has appointed another
seed for me” (4:25). But then, even this child, Seth, was not to be the deliverer of the human race. It
would be centuries before the Messiah, Jesus Christ, would come. After Seth was born, somehow peo-
ple realized that it would take time before the Messiah was born, so “then men began to call on the
name of the LORD” (4:26).

Practical Take–Aways
The Sum Total principle.
A marriage represents the sum total of what both husband and wife bring to the union. If either
member of the marriage has major character flaws, those weaknesses will ultimately weaken a marriage.
Both parties must honestly and realistically assess their strengths and weaknesses together and then make
plans to strengthen the marriage, focusing mainly on their strengths. Remember though, for all of its
God-given wonders, love tends to be blind. Two lovers seldom acknowledge seriously the character
wrinkles in each other before the wedding. Even if they did, it doesn’t mean the flaws will or should
stop a marriage ceremony. Honesty, communication, and above all, pure-hearted, loving appreciation for
each other should help a couple strengthen their union and help prevent problems.

What Happens When You Sin?

❦ Guilt: “They knew they were naked” (3:7).
❦ Pain: “Multiply your sorrow” (3:16).
❦ Anxiety about failure: “You shall not eat of it” (3:17).
❦ Problems: “Thistles it shall bring forth” (3:18).
❦ Loss of fulfillment in work: “In the sweat of your face” (3:19).
❦ Lasting results: something inside you dies.

46
 Adam and Eve

A helpmeet versus a leader.

The very word helpmeet implies a wife is helping her husband. He can’t get there without her, and
she won’t get there alone. Perhaps the descriptive phrase “necessary helpmeet” should be used.They both
need each other.They are more together than they are apart.

The final blame game.

Why is it that husbands and wives are quick to blame the other when something goes wrong?
Because we are sinners living in a finite world among sinners, and things will often go wrong. So don’t
be too shaken or surprised by problems.The appliances will wear out, the weeds will grow in every yard,
and people will be forgetful and annoying. Don’t blame each other when mistakes happen. Just deal with
them as graciously as possible and move on. Don’t try to find out who is at fault when the physical things
around you break down and your mate disappoints you. Be kind. Draw him or her in instead. Share your
hurt, but reassure your loved one of your love.Trust one another to build your marriage stronger.

Remember the honeymoon.

One of the best ways to keep a marriage strong is to revisit its foundation and recommit to its prom-
ise and hope. Both husband and wife should talk about their dreams, their vows to each other, and their
commitment to God.

The “spare tire” principle.

You take a spare tire along on trips in case there’s a blowout along the road. Take a “spare tire” in
case there is a relational blow-up.You don’t give up the vacation trip because of a flat tire.You don’t give
up on a marriage because of an emotional outburst or even serious relational difficulties. Recognize the
problem and try to fix it, or let grace put a patch over it and get back on the highway to your destina-
tion.

Journaling
Writing down your thoughts is a discipline that makes you think clearly about a subject. Since you
are serious about developing a strong marriage, use the following questions to guide your thoughts and
writings. Remember, writing will clarify your thinking when you write out the things you plan to do.

47
Whom God Has Joined Together

For example:
Lord, thank You for my spouse, my home, and the over-abundance of blessings
from You. Help us remember that if You tell us “No,” that we need to stay far away
so we won’t be tempted. We don’t want to walk on the edge, but rather we want to
be obedient in the very center of Your will. Don’t ever let us be Satan’s tool in each
other’s life. Keep our suggestions to each other ordered by You, Lord.

1. What was the most enjoyable thing you remember from your honeymoon? Why was it event-
ful? How did it influence your marriage?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

2. What makes your marriage memorable? Why?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

48
 Adam and Eve

3. What are the things you expected from marriage that haven’t happened? Do you see God’s
hand in not having them? What things in your marriage are better than you expected? Why?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

Marriage-Strengthening Exercises
Break out the photo album.
Get out your marriage and wedding pictures. Revisit the events that made you happy.

Renew your vows.

Recommit (repeat) your marriage vows to one another. (This is effective if you have had difficul-
ties in your marriage or have breached it.)

Imagine a second honeymoon.

Plan a “What If ” Honeymoon, Part Two. If you had the necessary money, where would you go on
a second honeymoon that would bring the two of you closer than ever before and strengthen your mar-
riage?

49
 Introduction by
John and Margaret Maxwell
Founders of INJOY ® Group • Atlanta, Georgia

W e are delighted to introduce this chapter on Aquila and Priscilla

at the request of our dear friends, Elmer and Ruth. We have known the

Townses for more than thirty years. Elmer’s books on growing churches and

Sunday schools were an inspiration to us as we began our life in ministry at a

small country church in Hillham, Indiana. Over the years, as we moved from

51
Hillham to Lancaster, Ohio, and then to San Diego, California, Elmer and

Ruth became first mentors in ministry and then friends. Like the biblical cou-

ple of Aquila and Priscilla, they are loving and giving models of Christlike liv-

ing and dedicated Kingdom-building.

One of the reasons we enjoy this chapter on Aquila and Priscilla is that

this couple used their excellence in the business community as a platform to

reach others for Christ.We connect well with business people, so we feel a kin-

ship with Aquila and Priscilla. Whereas we began our careers in the ministry

and God called us out of the local church to reach people in the business com-

munity, He called Aquila and Priscilla out of the business community into

ministry so they could plant a church in Ephesus.

As you read this chapter, we want to encourage you to follow the exam-

ple of this godly couple.Whether you are in full-time business, vocational min-

istry, or another profession, heed God’s call, wherever it may lead. And mentor

godly leaders, as Aquila and Priscilla did Apollos, one of the great post-

Apostolic church leaders.

May your marriage include ministry with the same kind of impact theirs

did.

52
 LEARNING TO WORK TOGETHER
Acts 18:1–4, 24–28

W e don’t know where Aquila met his wife, Priscilla, nor do we know how he courted her
or anything else about their marriage.We do know they originally came from Pontus, a city on the Black
Sea in modern-day Turkey. Since Aquila is a Jewish name, we assume his father chose tentmaking as his
occupation when he went through bar mitzvah in a Jewish synagogue. Most people think Priscilla was
a Gentile because of her Gentile name.While that is not enough to prove theirs was a mixed marriage,
most historians suggest this. For some reason, this ambitious couple left their small Asian town, crossed
the Mediterranean into Europe—a different continent and a different culture—to Rome. They settled
there, pursuing their occupation of tentmaking.
But in 52 A.D., Roman Emperor Claudius signed his name to an edict expelling all Jews from
Rome, upsetting the life of Aquila and Priscilla forever. Because Jews at that time were contentious
(including persecuting their Christian neighbors), the Roman historian Suetonius suggests this was the
reason they left Rome. The emperor didn’t care if they were causing trouble or not, he just wanted to
be rid of them. So all Jews were expelled, including peace-loving Jews like Aquila and Priscilla. They
moved their business to Corinth in Greece.
A couple of years later, Paul walked through the shops of the business area of Corinth, where he
met Priscilla and Aquila. Because they shared the same occupation, Paul went to work for them, even-
tually becoming their lifelong friend in ministry.
The Greek word tentmaker describes Aquila and Priscilla as owners and operators. As owners, they
bought rough goat’s hide, employed tentmakers to cut, stitch, and prepare tents, and also employed oth-
ers as salesmen. A different Greek word for tentmaker suggests Paul was a craftsman. He worked for
Priscilla and Aquila, who were businessowners. Even when Aquila and Priscilla are first seen in the
Scriptures, they were working their business together in the markets of Corinth. When they were last
seen, they were still working together in ministry. It is clear that Aquila and Priscilla reflected the prin-
ciples of marital togetherness in all ways.

53
Whom God Has Joined Together

Counseling Approach
Some couples would not be successful or even stay together if they had to work side
by side every day. There are usually separate job descriptions. Sometimes one partner takes
on the leadership of an area of the business he or she knows best. One may be better at
details, where the other is better at dealing with people or understanding the needs of their
customers.
Typically, a father and son work together easier than a husband and wife because a son
is learning the business from someone who has experience in that business. Sometimes in
business, a husband and wife may be equal as partners. Sometimes one must be the leader
and the other a follower.
Just as people sometimes disagree with their leader or a fellow worker on the job, so
a husband and wife may find themselves in disagreement over job procedures or produc-
tion. This situation can introduce problems on the job that may be brought into the mar-
riage. If the two of you are going to work together, do your best to leave business issues at
work and personal issues at home.
At other times, marital relationships can destroy job relationships. One spouse may be
motivated to make it easier for the other, and soon the distribution of the workload is
uneven. If one allows the other too much “slack” or has unrealistic standards, the job suf-
fers. It’s also easy to assume you can make decisions without consulting your spouse.
Remember that you are part of a partnership at work and at home. It’s hard when you have
to switch between wearing your job hat and your family hat.
Reading about and understanding the God centered obedience of Aquila and Priscilla
can give you hope and direction toward a Christlike partnership with your spouse at work
and at home.
Working together in “tentmaking” can help show you how to work together in min-
istry. Paul’s spiritual insight and practical lessons of daily living can prepare you for times
when your marital relationship has to depend on what you’ve learned from God.
Preparation for ministry involves our response to the learning opportunities we receive each
day at home and at work. “He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it” (1 Thess. 5:24).

54
 Aquila and Priscilla

What does it take for a husband and wife to work together?

First of all, they must have a mature relationship of respect and understanding. A husband and wife
who work together must have as similar an attitude toward one another as two strangers who meet,
become friends, and start a business together.

Couples Who Work Together Successfully…

❦ Are willing to give more than they receive.
❦ Are willing to give and take suggestions from each other.
❦ Respect the talents their partner brings to the job.
❦ Practice openness about mistakes and problems.
❦ Enjoy working together.
❦ Build a marital love that is stronger than financial pressure.

According to Acts 18:2, 3, what can we know

about a husband and wife being in business together?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What can be said about this couple’s relationship?

Aquila and Priscilla had determination.They moved to a foreign country after getting married, and
worked their business together. When pressure fell on Rome, they stayed together and moved to
Corinth.Together, they started their business again. Before their story was finished, they moved to two
other cities, starting over at least two more times.Together, they eventually helped start a church.
Aquila and Priscilla employed Paul after they met him in the marketplace. Why would Paul work
as a tentmaker when he was called to preach the gospel? Doesn’t a church planter need to spend time

55
Whom God Has Joined Together

planting a new church? The answer is very simple: Paul needed money. He didn’t want to be a financial
burden on the new Corinthian church. He also wanted to demonstrate to the Corinthians that he was
self reliant and would not live off their charity or gifts. But there was a greater reason for Paul’s employ-
ment by Aquila and Priscilla. Perhaps Paul wanted a testimony of being industrious to the people in
Corinth, many of whom were accused of being lazy.Therefore, Paul didn’t want a negative image hurt-
ing his preaching of the gospel.

What happened when Paul came to live with

Aquila and Priscilla?
Paul not only worked for them, he lived in their home and became their friend. Later they traveled
with him as fellow workers.
As the three sat eating their meals, Paul taught them the Word of God. As a matter of fact, the cou-
ple learned the faith so well that when the popular but inexperienced teacher, Apollos, arrived in the
city, the couple immediately knew he didn’t
understand the Scriptures.
A marriage is not complete until But there’s another side to the faith of this
Jesus is at its center. incredible couple.
When Paul suffered persecution, they
apparently suffered the same persecution. Paul
said, “Priscilla and Aquila…risked their own necks for my life” (Rom. 16:3, 4). But most importantly,
the couple became intimately involved in Paul’s ministry to serve Christ. Paul referred to his devoted
friends as “Priscilla and Aquila, my fellow workers in Christ Jesus” (v. 3).

What can we know about a husband and wife serving the Lord together?
Look in Acts 18:26.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

56
 Aquila and Priscilla

When Paul lived with Aquila and Priscilla, they went with him each Sabbath to the local synagogue.
When Paul separated from the synagogue to start a new church, the couple went with him.
Many couples have deep roots in their local church. Sometimes their family and social relationships
are more important than spiritual convictions.When doctrinal problems arise, many couples aren’t will-
ing to leave friends and families in a former church to help begin a new church. But that wasn’t true of
Aquila and Priscilla.When Paul left the synagogue so the church could meet next door, they went with
him.
When the Bible says, “And many of the Corinthians, hearing, believed and were baptized” (Acts
18:8), we would expect that Aquila and Priscilla were also baptized then. Later, when Paul faced politi-
cal opposition in Corinth, they also stayed with Paul. “The Jews with one accord rose up against Paul
and brought him to the judgment seat” (v. 12).
Aquila and Priscilla eventually rose together in the church at Corinth. When Paul left to go to
Jerusalem, the couple became prominent in leadership. Almost immediately, Apollos arrived in Corinth
from Egypt. As Priscilla and Aquila listened in the synagogue to this mighty man expounding the
Scriptures, they felt something was missing.
Apollos did not yet know that Jesus was the Messiah, nor did he know that the Holy Spirit had
been given.What did he know? He knew the truth that was taught in the Old Testament, and because
he believed what he knew, he had Old Testament salvation. But he didn’t have the Holy Spirit.
Apparently, only Aquila and Priscilla perceived his ignorance.

How to Strengthen Your Marriage

❦ Read and study the Word together.
❦ Talk about the Scriptures as you travel or stay at home.
❦ Look for ways to apply the Scriptures practically.
❦ Share thoughts with each other.
❦ Listen to each other’s questions and concerns about Christianity.
❦ Answer each other’s questions with respect and love.

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Whom God Has Joined Together

According to Acts 18:26, what did Aquila and Priscilla do for Apollos?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Together this couple invested their lives in a brilliant preacher, and the fruit of their ministry fol-
lowed Apollos everywhere he preached the Word of God.
The church was not originally in the house of Aquila and Priscilla.When Paul led the people out
of the synagogue, he went to a house that
belonged to Titius Justus. However, for reasons
It should not be her ministry or his unexplained, the church moved out of the house
ministry; it should be their ministry. of Titius Justus and into the house of Aquila and
Priscilla. Perhaps their business prospered so that
they built a larger house that could accommo-
date the new growing church. Paul noted when writing to the Romans,“Greet Priscilla and Aquila, my
fellow workers in Christ Jesus…Likewise greet the church that is in their house” (Rom. 16:3–5).
When Emperor Claudius died, Jews were allowed to live in Rome, so Aquila and Priscilla returned
to Rome.When they arrived, the first thing they did was to start a church in their new house.They con-
stantly served the Lord together, even in planting a new church.

When a couple is involved in Christian service,

what should be their ultimate motivation? Read Romans 16:4.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Aquila and Priscilla finished their marriage well because they finished together. When Paul was a
prisoner, sixteen years after first meeting the couple in Corinth, he faced death during his second impris-
onment in Rome. In 2 Timothy, Paul says, “Greet Priscilla and Aquila, and the household of
Onesiphorus” (4:19).They were still together and still serving the Lord.

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 Aquila and Priscilla

Why is Priscilla’s name found first in some of the passages?

In our modern churches, it is not unusual for women to be more gifted and aggressive in serving
the Lord than their husbands. Some women are more desirous of using their gifts and serving the Lord.
Sometimes they must even take the leading role in the spiritual development of their family.
As in all areas of a good and healthy marriage, husbands and wives should be careful not to com-
pete with each other in their ministry efforts. As a matter of fact, all attention in ministry should go to
Jesus Christ. A husband and wife don’t need to compete, but complement, each other as “helpmeets” in
ministry just as role models Priscilla and Aquila did.

Practical Take–Aways
What can be learned about togetherness in ministry? When a husband and wife serve the Lord
together, there are certain guidelines that will help:

Keep Christ as the spotlight in ministry.

Husbands and wives should make sure that Christ is at the center of their marriage. This happens
when Jesus becomes first in their lives. It happens when Jesus is more important than anything else.

Be involved as a couple.
If a wife is more gifted, she can encourage her husband to experience the joy of Christian service.
He can become involved in ministry—his ministry and her ministry. Each should make it their ministry.
God uses people according to their usability.

Complement and support each other’s strengths.

When we compete for attention, glory, or even power, we are not working together as “one flesh.”
Rather, we should complement one another so that the strengths of our mate shine in the service of the
Lord.

Be free to minister for God together.

The keywords are minister and together. Husbands and wives are one, and when they minister
together, they fulfill God’s plan for marriage.With the same goals in ministry and the same desire to serve
the Lord, a couple can use their complementing spiritual gifts for greater results.

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Whom God Has Joined Together

Journaling
Writing down your thoughts is a discipline that makes you think clearly about a subject. Since you
are serious about developing a strong marriage, use the following questions to guide your thoughts and
writings. Remember, writing will clarify your thinking when you write out the things you plan to do.

Example:
Lord, thank You for guiding my spouse and me in Your direction and to each
other for Your service.While we work together at home, Father, help us to remember
that You are the center of our lives, and that is where our happiness lies. While we
work together in our jobs, help us to remember that all glory and honor are Yours,
and reveal Your leadership in our choices.We love You and enjoy serving You together.

1. Describe a pleasant mutual task you and your spouse have worked on together.
His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

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 Aquila and Priscilla

2. Describe an unpleasant working relationship between you and your spouse. Why was it
unpleasant? How could the situation have been improved?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

3. What would be the perfect circumstance where you and your spouse could work together?
His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________
____________________________ ____________________________

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Whom God Has Joined Together

Marriage-Strengthening Exercises
Make someone you know a prayer project.
Perhaps you know a couple that seems to work well together in business during the week, but not
at home. Make them a “prayer project.”You will perhaps learn some valuable lessons and strengthen your
marriage as you pray for them.

Read a book on leadership.

Read a book on leadership that will help you learn more about the tasks of leading and following.
Share the results with your spouse. Talk about how you would apply these principles if or when you
work together on a project.

Suggested reading:
Developing the Leader Within You, by John Maxwell
The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, by John Maxwell
Developing the Leaders Around You, by John Maxwell
The 8 Laws of Leadership, by Elmer Towns

Volunteer as a couple.
Volunteer to work on a project together at a church or community agency. Apply the principles
you’ve learned in this chapter and from your marriage-strengthening projects.

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 Introduction by
Ed and Donna Hindson
Institute of Biblical Studies
Liberty University • Lynchburg,Virginia

O ne of the most amazing couples in the Bible is Xerxes and Esther.

Esther was a believer who was willing to face death to save God’s people.

Xerxes was like a lot of men today—stubborn and determined to have his own

way. But in the end, Xerxes did what was right. This is a wonderful story of

63
how God blends two different personalities together to accomplish His will.

Elmer and Ruth have beautifully captured the relationship between

Xerxes and Esther.The challenges this couple faced are like those many cou-

ples face today in blended marriages involving both believers and unbelievers.

As you read their amazing story, may God encourage your heart with the fact

that He can bring great blessings from a difficult situation.

As we minister to others in teaching, counseling, and writing, we have met

many couples like Xerxes and Esther. Their difficulties and challenges may

seem overwhelming at first, but God can still accomplish great things in their

lives. We pray He will use the story of this couple to lift your hearts and

strengthen your marriage.

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 LEARNING TO LIVE
WITH MINIMAL CHOICES

W
Esther 4:1–7:10

hat do you do when you find yourself in desperate circumstances where you can’t do any-
thing about your situation? A husband or wife may feel like an outsider if they live or work with in-
laws. Or maybe a wife feels like she is in a prison, raising her husband’s children from a former marriage.
Perhaps you feel in bondage because of poverty, or limited education, or a debilitating handicap, or a
mate with a terminal sickness who desperately needs twenty four-hour attention.
This was Esther’s situation. She was a woman who seemingly had no choices in life. As an orphan,
she had little control over her destiny.As a refugee in a foreign land, she was dominated by a foreign cul-
ture. She was taken—apparently against her will—into the king’s harem and had little choice about the
man she married. Sometimes people find themselves living in places they haven’t chosen, associating
with people they don’t desire, and facing problems they can’t solve. When Esther couldn’t choose the
type of life she wanted to live, she decided one thing—Esther chose what type of person she’d become.
Some people marry with a distinct set of expectations, only to find their life very different than they
expected.The story of Xerxes and Esther gives some guidance on how to make things work when you
have no control over your circumstances.

Counseling Approach
God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life. Orphaned, adopted, or married
to a king, God has a plan for your life. God governs the preparation and the presentation
of our lives for service, not just circumstances (Rom. 8:28).
You have a job to do. Only God knows the outcome. Obey Him. People tend to make
excuses about their background as an excuse for not doing something in life. Don’t let your
circumstances govern your behaviour. Don’t make excuses. God chooses the weak things
of this world to confound the mighty (1 Cor. 1:27–29). Take your strength and courage
from God and use it for Him.

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Whom God Has Joined Together

How did Esther come to marry Xerxes?

Xerxes (his Greek name) was the king of Persia, the greatest empire in the world. He was also called
Ahasuerus (his Hebrew name) by the Jews. Secular history tells us that he ruled Persia from 486 to 465
B.C. His empire stretched from India to Ethiopia, but his real passion was to conquer Greece, the cen-
ter of Western civilization. Xerxes made hard decisions, which made him great, but he also made rash
decisions, which kept him from ruling the known world. One of these rash decisions was made dur-
ing a six-month banquet given for his leadership.
Everything was right in the huge palace on the banks of the Eulai River. From the shining black
and white floor tiles rose great white marble columns. Flowing canopy veils of white, green, blue, and
purple hung from the ceiling.When the guests had eaten all they could eat, drank all the wine they could
drink, and nothing was left to excite them, Xerxes made a rash decision and called for his beautiful
wife,Vashti, to give his audience another thrill. She said, “No!”
Vashti embarrassed her husband in public, so the king’s advisors goaded him to divorce her. Xerxes
listened to them and made another rash decision—He divorced her.The following year, Xerxes once
again made a rash decision by forcing an attack at Thermopylae, only to be defeated at the Bay of
Salamis, where history was changed.The East would not defeat the West.When Xerxes returned home
in defeat, he was probably looking for comfort and companionship from his wife, but the queen was
indisposed.
Again, Xerxes listened to his counselors.They planned a beauty pageant to choose the next queen.
“Let beautiful young virgins be sought for the king; and let the king appoint officers…that they may
gather all the beautiful young virgins.…then let the young woman who pleases the king be queen
instead of Vashti” (Esther 2:2–4).
Throughout the kingdom, young girls were captured, kidnapped, or forced to enter the contest to
see if they pleased the king. According to Esther 2:8, one of these girls was Esther. The word taken in
this verse suggests Esther was forced against her will.There was no cry when Esther was taken because
she was an orphaned girl, a captive from a foreign land, a girl who was disenfranchised with no civil
rights.

Even though it seemed Esther had nothing to live for, what were her prospects?
Look in Galatians 1:3, 4 for the answer.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________
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 Xerxes and Esther

As Esther was waiting for her talent contest with the king, her family didn’t forsake her. Mordecai,
a cousin who raised her, checked daily to see how she was doing.

According to Esther 2:11, what did Mordecai do out of concern for his cousin?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

When you have no control over circumstances in your life, it’s good to know someone cares about
you and calls from time to time.
When Esther went into the palace, cousin Mordecai had counseled her that she should not reveal
her people or family (Esther 2:10). No one knows the motive for Mordecai telling her to keep her
Jewish ancestry a secret. Racism prevailed in that day, and prejudice might have segregated her—or
worse, she might have been executed. It was terrible that Esther had no control over her life, but to make
matters worse, she couldn’t even tell people who she was.

According to 1 Corinthians 4:19, what should your attitude be

when you feel you have no control over your circumstances?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Read about Paul in Romans 1:10 and 15:32 when he planned to go to Rome.
What was his attitude?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Each young lady was offered anything she needed to please the king. Some chose the best of per-
fumes, others chose oil.

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Whom God Has Joined Together

According to Esther 2:15, what did Esther choose?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Your greatest asset in life is not what you have in your hands but what you have in your heart. Esther
relied on this inner beauty and spirit to capture the heart of the king.
The greatest attraction is not always the outer woman but rather the inner spirit and grace. A
woman’s character is what truly endures and stands the test of time.

In Esther 2:17, what was the result of the beauty pageant?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

The purpose of this story is not how Esther married Xerxes.There was another plot developing in
the Book of Esther. Haman was the prime minister in Xerxes’ palace. One day, as Haman walked through
the city of Shushan, Mordecai refused to bow to
Haman. So Haman vowed not only to punish
Esther’s name means “Star” Mordecai but also to exterminate every Jew liv-
Unseen in the daylight, ing in the Persian Empire, which, at that time,
But a guiding beacon in the night would have eliminated every Jew in the world!
As Haman passed several papers to the king
to sign, one sealed the destruction of the Jews.
The King’s signature proclaimed anyone who killed a Jew could keep his property, home, or possessions.
Since the law of Medes and Persians was an irreversible law, another hasty decision by Xerxes would
have disastrous results on the Jews—and ultimately upon Xerxes himself.

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 Xerxes and Esther

What was the response of the Jews?

The announced Persian holocaust was devastating news to the Jews, and they began “fasting, weep-
ing, and wailing” (Esther 4:3).

Mordecai agonized over this decree. In Esther 4, what does it say he did?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

When Esther saw Mordecai in sackcloth at the palace gates, she sent clothes to him. Mordecai sent
a message back to Esther to explain the serious situation, asking her to become involved in a solution.

According to Esther 4:13, what was his warning to her?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Mordecai had faith that if she didn’t help, God would deliver them by some other means. He also
knew that just because Esther had kept her racial background hidden, when the purge came, she would
not be exempted.

Yet in Esther 4:14, Mordecai asked Esther a very prophetic question.

What was the question?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

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Whom God Has Joined Together

Esther may have thought she was disenfranchised, with no power, no connections, and no choices
to make. But she had a few things going for her, and she used them for God’s glory.

Making It Work
When You Have No Choice
❦ Esther couldn’t refuse to marry the king.
❦ She couldn’t return to her homeland.
❦ She couldn’t live with her family.
❦ She couldn’t practice her religion.
❦ She couldn’t go to the king with her problems.
…but Esther chose to submit to God.

We can always choose to serve the Lord.

Look in Ephesians 5:17. How do we begin with our choice to follow God?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Mordecai wanted Esther to go to the king to get the decree reversed. Maybe Mordecai didn’t
understand that the law of the Medes and Persians couldn’t be reversed, but he felt in his heart that she
could do something to help.
People who barged into the king’s presence to demand his time and energy could be severely pun-
ished, even executed. Those who appeared in the royal court had to wait until the king held out his
scepter to them. Since the king held the power of life and death, when he held out his scepter to the
person, he granted them the right of an interview. If he refused, the person was taken away and killed.
Esther knew all of this, but for a woman who had no other choice, she chose to serve God and her peo-
ple. “If I perish, I perish!” she said (Esther 4:16).

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 Xerxes and Esther

What was Esther’s first step?

What is the first thing you do when faced with a severe problem? You turn to God. Esther told
Mordecai, “Go…fast for me…For three days, night or day” (Esther 4:16).
The message of Esther is this:When you can’t practice your faith and can’t even speak the name of
God, He is there for you like a star.You can’t see Him in the daylight, but He is there for you in the
dark night of tribulation.

If we choose to follow the Lord,

what is the first thing we must give Him according to Romans 12:1, 2?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

The character of a woman can be seen in the quality of the decisions she makes when circumstances
are dire and consequences are threatening. Esther took the initiative. Only she could do for the Jews
what no one else could do.

How did Esther react to this problem?

Esther used common sense. Notice the practical ways she approached the problem.
She dressed for success. Esther dressed for her presentation to the king—“Esther put on her royal
robes” (Esther 5:1).
She stood at the right place. She “stood in the inner court” (5:1). Notice that Esther didn’t send the
message to her husband by a servant, she didn’t invite him to dinner by a written invitation, nor did she
pray that God would place a desire in Xerxes’ heart to come see her. She took the initiative by standing
at the right place at the marble column, which was the place where those seeking to see the King stood.
She took the right approach. As Esther was waiting on the king, he saw her beautiful clothes and
remembered his love for her. Beckoning her, Esther approached the king with respect and dignity.
“Esther went near and touched the top of the scepter” (5:2).
She provided the right setting. Esther invited the king to come to her palace for a banquet. In the quiet-
ness and privacy of her home, she would ask the king to spare the Jews. Not only did Esther want the

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Whom God Has Joined Together

When Facing Tough Decisions…

❦ Know you are a part of God’s plan on earth.
❦ Do not try to find the easy way out.
❦ Claim God’s grace and guidance.
❦ Commit the results to God.

king to come to a banquet, she also included Haman in her invitation. She planned to have all the peo-
ple together so everyone could face the issue together.
She created an element of suspense. When the king and Haman came to the banquet the first night,
Esther didn’t tell the king what she wanted. She got him to promise to return the next night for anoth-
er banquet. She wanted his full attention.
Esther, Mordecai, and all the Jews were praying. How did God answer their prayers? God works in
the hearts of people to arrange circumstances. The next time you pray concerning a problem, remem-
ber there are many ways God can answer your prayers.

How were Esther’s prayers answered?

Haman was impulsive. Haman arrived at work one morning and Mordecai was there. Again, he
wouldn’t bow to him. Infuriated, Haman decided to do something immediately instead of waiting for
all the Jews to be eliminated. Haman had a large gallows built to hang Mordecai.
The king discovered Mordecai. After the king and Haman left Esther’s first night banquet, the king
couldn’t sleep.When the king couldn’t sleep, he called for his musty, old records to be read to him.Years
before, there was an assassination attempt on the king’s life. This was the first time he had heard of it,
though. Reading further, the king found out that Mordecai had saved his life, so he determined to do
something about it the next day.
The following morning when Haman came into the king’s presence, Xerxes asked him,“How can
I honor someone who needs special commendation?” Haman thought that Xerxes was talking about
him, so he suggested the king should honor the person by putting royal robes on him, letting him ride
the king’s animals throughout the city, and having a dignitary proclaim to everyone,“This is the one who
the king would honor.”
“You do that to Mordecai,” Xerxes told Haman. Doesn’t God have an interesting sense of humor?

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 Xerxes and Esther

When Haman got home from spending the day honoring Mordecai, the king’s servants appeared
to escort him to Esther’s second banquet.When they arrived at Esther’s palace, the king didn’t want to
eat; he wanted to get straight to Esther’s request.Then Esther told her husband Xerxes about the threat
to the Jews.

According to Esther 7:3, 4, what did she ask of the king?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

King Xerxes flew into a rage. He asks a poignant question of Esther, “Who is responsible for
attempting to destroy the Jews?”
“Your adversary and enemy is this wicked Haman,” Esther said, pointing a finger at Haman.
Then one of the chamberlains stepped forward and suggested,“Look at the gallows that is 75 feet tall.”
Xerxes said, “Hang him!” And it was done. On this occasion, God used the king’s rash decision to do His
will, and Haman was killed on the very gallows he constructed to kill Mordecai.

Why was there still a problem?

Even though Haman was eliminated, the problem did not go away. There was still the irreversible
law of the Medes and Persians.

What should your attitude be when you can’t accomplish your goals?
Read James 4:13–15.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

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Whom God Has Joined Together

So Esther in her wisdom devised a higher law.A new law was written that allowed the Jews to pro-
tect themselves when the day of infamy arrived.The Jews could kill anyone who attacked them and keep
the attacker’s money and houses.The law gave the Jews equal standing with their enemy.The king signed
the law and made the field level for all.

The Results
❦ The Jews got together to defend themselves.
❦ 75,000 enemies were destroyed.

Practical Take–Aways
What to do when you feel trapped by your circumstances.
Maybe life looks dark and things are frustrating because you have no good choices. Does it look
like every path leads into deeper trouble? Fortunately, when you’re in a deep, dark hole, the only place
you can look is up. So look up to God when you have troubles.

Amazing things happen when you look to God.

You get a new perspective on your problem. You can see your problems through God’s eyes. He knows
the future and He can show it to you. You’ll have God’s eternal view—a long–range view.That means you
can evaluate your problems from His values or with His expectations. Doing this will help you to bet-
ter size up your situation.

When you look to God, you’ll begin to see God’s purpose for your life.
God has a plan for your life. Maybe you’ll hear the same admonitions Esther heard from Mordecai
when he said, “You are born into God’s kingdom for such a time and problem as this.” Evaluate your
present problem in light of God’s ultimate plan for your life.

Remember that God is a problem-solver.

He specializes in impossibilities. In this step, you’ll learn the Christian life is always practical and
workable. God never dabbles in a theoretical religion.When His creatures sinned in disobedience, God

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 Xerxes and Esther

didn’t think up some abstract solution. No! Jesus became flesh, took on our limitations, died for our sins,
and will deliver us—if we let Him. He’ll deliver you, too, if you’ll let Him.

Journaling
Writing down your thoughts is a discipline that makes you think clearly about a subject. Since you
are serious about developing a strong marriage, use the following questions to guide your thoughts and
writings. Remember, writing will clarify your thinking when you write out the things you plan to do.

For example::
Help us remember all timing is Your timing, O Father. Sometimes we wonder and
just can’t find rhyme or reason for the situations of the moment, but You give peace
when we yield to You.When sorrow or trials or fear or danger stop us in our tracks,
help us, Father, to understand that Your ways are not our ways, and our timing is not
perfect. Help us prepare and take time to come into Your presence. We want to be
beautiful inside, like Esther, and useable in Your timing to make a difference.

1. Write some experiences where God perfectly worked out the details of a situation that could
have been bad. Perhaps this was an instance when you thought everything would fail. How did
He do it? Take this opportunity to praise Him on paper for all His goodness and mercy.

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

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Whom God Has Joined Together

2. Write a few lessons you think you should learn to be beautiful on the inside.
His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

3. Make a list of the things in your life you can’t control that frustrate you and keep you from
doing more for God and others. What can you do about them? What will be your response to
them?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________
____________________________ ____________________________

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 Xerxes and Esther

4. What principles have you learned about yielding to the will of God? How did you learn God’s
will? What is God’s will for your life?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

Marriage-Strengthening Exercises
Seek counsel.
When you are frustrated with your circumstances, get counsel from someone who knows you best.

Study the Bible—alone or in a group.

Do a Bible study on the will of God. Look up verses that discuss God’s will. As you learn the prin-
ciples of finding and knowing God’s will for all believers, you’ll find God’s unique will for your own
life.

Communicate with your spouse about your frustrations.

Make plans (a date or special dinner) to talk to your mate about one of your frustrations over a pres-
ent circumstance. Remember, Esther knew she had to talk to her husband about the problem. Both of
you should do the same.

77
 Introduction by
Tim and Julie Clinton
American Association of Christian Counselors
Lynchburg,Virginia

W e both attended Liberty University and were students of Elmer

Towns, so we know his Bible teaching and commitment to ministry. Now we

live next door to Elmer and Ruth, and we know their commitment to the

Lord. So it’s a privilege to write this introduction for Samson and Delilah.

79
 While we were at Liberty University, there were many young men and

women who fell in love, got married, and made a commitment to serve Christ

as we did. Sadly, too many of them fell by the wayside and are not serving the

Lord or living for Him today.

Marriage is tough enough when you have two reasonably healthy indi-

viduals working together to keep their love alive. And if you’ve tasted of love

in marriage, you know that all couples will go through periods of disaffec-

tion—times when you don’t feel close. Even more, in today’s time-starved

world, so much competes for or tears at our hearts.The good news is that no

matter what your marital story is, your relationship isn’t beyond the love, care,

and reach of God. He can make a way. May God give you the marriage you’ve

always wanted.

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 LEARNING FROM BAD CHOICES
Judges 14–16

I f there was ever a good man with a woman problem, it was Samson. Almost everything we
know about Samson relates to the questionable women in his life. In the Scriptures, his problem (or his
life story) is centered on three women. First, he married a Philistine woman but didn’t live with her.
Next, his life was defined by a prostitute from Gaza in the Philistine country. Finally, his ministry was
leveled by Delilah, who was bribed by five Philistine rulers to deliver Samson to them. Because of his
weakness for women, he couldn’t resist Delilah.
How can Samson’s life be described? Both the limitations of his ministry and his ultimate defeat
were the result of the bad choices he made.

Counseling Approach
Usually, it’s easier to see potential problems in someone else’s relationship rather than
in our own.
Have you ever had a friend who pulls you down or wears you out? What does that say
about you? Do you let them do it, or can you stand your ground and be true to yourself?
Some people are strong in many ways, and at the same time, let others control their lives.
Samson was a very strong man, and he made a serious vow. The problem is, we usual-
ly fall in areas where we think we’ll never fall. “Let him who thinks he stands take heed
lest he fall” (1 Cor. 10:12).

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Why do people make bad choices?

As a young man, Samson began life with great hope, but it ended badly. He seemed to have a pas-
sion for God but expressed his passion in the wrong ways.At times, Samson defended God’s honor, while
at other times, he compromised his faith.The worst thing about his compromise was that Samson flirt-
ed with the enemies of God and submitted himself to them.

Why Do People Make Bad Choices?

1. Habit: A lifestyle of bad choices.
2. Weakness: They aren’t strong enough to say “no.”
3. Ignorance: They don’t understand the alternatives.
4. Uneducated or Naivety: They were never taught to make good choices.
5. Example: They follow people they mistake as heroes.
6. Pleasure: They are ruled by the lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, and the
pride of life.
7. Comfort: Good choices are hard to make, but bad choices are easy.

A bank president had begun a small-town bank, and when the big city moved
out to his area, he built the bank into an area-wide financial giant.
As he was retiring, a young vice-president who aspired to his job interviewed
him.
“How did you build this bank to such great proportions?” the young man asked.
“Good decisions,” the old banker replied.
Not being satisfied, the young VP asked,“How did you learn to make good deci-
sions?”
“Bad decisions,” the old banker answered.

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 SAMSON THE NAZARITE 

What is a Nazarite?
The word Nazarite comes from Nazar, “to vow.” A Nazarene is a person who has made a vow to
God. A person could be a Nazarite for a short period of time or for a lifetime. Apparently, Samson and
John the Baptist were lifelong Nazarenes.When people made a vow to God, they usually made an out-
ward pledge to demonstrate their sincerity. Originally, God gave three stipulations to accompany the
Nazarite vow.

According to Numbers 6:2–6, what were these stipulations?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Outward Symbols of a Nazarite

❦ He shall not cut his hair.
❦ He shall not eat grapes or have an intoxicating drink.
❦ He shall not touch a dead body.

What was the result of taking the Nazarite vow?

While people make all types of vows, some keep them—but some do not. The Nazarite vow of
Samson was especially blessed of God.“The child grew, and the LORD blessed him.And the Spirit of the
LORD began to move upon him” (Judg. 13:24, 25).
If you were to see a young man like Samson beginning his ministry today, you would probably think
he was a young man with a great opportunity. He not only separated himself from the world, but this

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young man seemed to be touched by God for ministry. He came from the right home, had good par-
ents, and had a promising future in Christian service.

What was the basis of Samson’s poor choices?

A godly man should choose to marry a godly woman. But this wasn’t Samson’s course. Samson “saw
a woman in Timnah…and told his father and mother, saying, ‘I have seen a woman…get her for me as
a wife’”(Judg. 14:1, 2). Rather than spending his time with the godly women of Israel, Samson was
attracted to a daughter of the Philistines (Israel’s enemy).This is no Romeo and Juliet story where boy
and girl are both good kids whose parents are fighting. The Philistines were an ungodly nation given
over to idol worship (which implies demonic influences) and sexual immorality. Samson was smitten by
sexual appetite for a Philistine woman. He made a choice by an outward appearance.

Why do we usually fall into temptation? Read James 1:14, 15.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What Was Wrong with Samson’s Choice?

❦ Wrong desire—“She pleases me” (14:3).
❦ Wrong plan—“Get her for me” (v. 3).
❦ Wrong option—Samson’s father said, “Is there no woman among the
daughters of your brethren, or among all my people?” (v. 3).
❦ Wrong passion—“She pleases me well” (v. 3).

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 Samson and Delilah

What has God promised to us when we are tempted?

Go to 1 Corinthians 10:13 for the answer.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Why is the story of the lion included?

When Samson went to visit his future wife, he walked through a vineyard where a lion attacked
him.

In Judges 14:6, what does it say Samson did?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

While this seems like an innocent story, it is included for more reasons than to demonstrate
Samson’s strength. Most of all, it demonstrates how he lived on the edge. Eating grapes was against his
Nazarite vow, so why was he in that vineyard? Samson is similar to Eve circling the tree of forbidden
fruit.While the text doesn’t say that he ate grapes, it certainly is suggested.
The next time Samson visited his future wife, he walked through the same vineyard. “He turned
aside to see the carcass of the lion” (Judg. 14:8). Bees had formed a hive inside the carcass and he took
the honey from it, breaking the second part of his vow by touching a dead body. Even as he came close
to losing the source of his power, did Samson realize what he was doing? After he broke two of the three
Nazarite vows, he still had his power. He was probably thinking,“God didn’t mean what He threatened.”
The wedding of Samson apparently lasted one week because the Hebrew word for marriage sug-
gests that it was a series of wedding feasts. Also, it is the word for a “drinking” feast. During this feast,
Samson entertained the men at the feast by giving them a riddle.

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According to Judges 14:14, what was the riddle?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

They couldn’t solve this riddle even though, day after day, they suggested different answers, so they
got Samson’s wife to help them out. She did help them, proving that she was more loyal to her Philistine
friends than to her new husband. She besieged Samson to tell her the solution to the riddle. At first,
Samson was able to resist her charm. But after she threw herself on him, she was finally able to get the
answer.

According to Judges 13:16, what did she say to Samson

to convince him to tell her the answer?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

A couple should learn from this negative example. Never threaten your spouse with “I won’t love
you if…” Never say,“I’ll leave you if you don’t…”Any relationship built on threats is weak, and the one
who threatens is extremely immature.

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 Samson and Delilah

What should our attitude be when we see our mate face a temptation
or fall to one? Read Galatians 6:1, 2.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Ultimately, Samson told his wife the answer, she told the Philistines, and they demanded the prize
money for solving the riddle. As a result, Samson’s anger led to violence. He lashed out at them and, to
get money to pay off his wages, he killed thirty men (Judg. 14:19).

Samson and Delilah

To any man who has made a vow to the Lord, Satan will send along a Delilah to test
him.
But Samson knew better. Let’s not blame Delilah for it all. Samson was strong of body,
but weak in lifestyle. He was in the wrong location, and he was with the wrong crowd.
Samson had already broken his Nazarite vow twice, but “three strikes and you’re out” even-
tually came true for him.

What does anger do to those we love?

Samson’s wife begged him for the answer until he gave in. Then he reacted angrily to her and to
the Philistines at the wedding. He killed thirty men to pay off the riddle’s prize and stomped away, leav-
ing his new bride at home.

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According to Judges 15:6, what happened to her?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

How Do People Respond to Bad Choices?

❦ They become violently angry. See Judges 14:19 for an example.
❦ They strike out at an enemy. See Judges 15:4, 5 for examples.
❦ They alienate the one they love. See Judges 14:20 for an example.
❦ They isolate themselves. See Judges 15:1-6 for an example.

 SAMSON AND THE HARLOT AT GAZA 

It took awhile for Samson to get over the loss of his wife and his angry outburst at the Philistines.
We don’t know what he did in the interim, but the next story in Scripture describes Samson on his way
to the Philistine city of Gaza to visit a harlot (Judg. 16:1–3).

Why was this a bad choice?

He broke the seventh commandment, he had the audacity to go to the enemy, and he put himself
in mortal danger. But God protects fools, and Samson should have been thankful for that.
In the middle of the night, it seemed God awakened Samson, and he realized that the enemy had
surrounded the house of the prostitute. The city gates were locked, and he had no way to escape. The
Philistines were poised to attack and kill him. Miraculously, Samson broke down the city gates, put them
on his back and carried them away. Again, Samson narrowly escaped. Because he was not immediately
judged for each bad choice, he didn’t repent and change his ways. Although he got himself out of trou-

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ble, he never learned from his mistakes, so he fell back into the same problem.With each mishap, Samson
got closer and closer to his ultimate downfall and disaster.

According to James 4:7, what should be the first thing you do when tempted?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What should we remember, according to 1 John 1:8, 10,

when we think we are above temptation?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What should we do when we fall to a temptation?

Look in 1 John 1:9 for the answer.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

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How to Break the Cycle

of Bad Decisions
❦ Study how to make good decisions.
❦ Study the consequences of bad decisions.
❦ Analyze your actions by Scripture.
❦ Call a moratorium —a moment for waiting—before making any decisions.
❦ Write down the pros and cons of each decision to become more objective.
❦ Examine your motives that lead to bad decisions.
❦ Make a list of the ten worst decisions you’ve ever made and list all the causes.
Learn from them.
❦ Make a list of the ten best decisions you’ve ever made and look for a pattern you
can follow in the future.

 SAMSON AND DELILAH 

What was it about Philistine women that attracted Samson? Was it their facial features? Was it the
color of their skin or hair? Or was it their accent? Just as Samson had previously made bad decisions in
seeking a Philistine wife and visiting a prostitute in Gaza, his next stumbling block was Delilah: “He
loved a woman…whose name was Delilah” (Judg. 16:4). If you don’t solve a moral problem in your life,
it will eventually return again and again until you master it or it masters you.

What did Samson’s enemies know about him?

Every person has a weakness. Somewhere there is a weak link in the chain. Samson’s weak link was
women. It’s too bad when your enemies know your weakness better than you; it means they’re stronger
than you and can capture you.

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 Samson and Delilah

According to Judges 16:5, what did the Philistines ask Delilah to do?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Why was Delilah not right for Samson?

If Delilah loved Samson, she would have fought for him and protected him. But her love wasn’t
deep, if she had any love at all, for she deceived and destroyed him.

Why Was Delilah Able to Trick Samson?

❦ He was excited.
❦ He was lustful.
❦ He was spiritually ignorant.

What were Samson’s close calls?

On three occasions, Delilah asked Samson to tell her his weakness. On three occasions, Samson lied
to her. Each time he lied, he got closer to telling her the secret of his strength: his hair. Just as each
woman brought Samson progressively closer to destruction, so did each of Samson’s lies to Delilah.
Samson should have been smart enough to know Delilah was setting him up. After he told her that
seven green vines would render him helpless, she tied him with green vines and then called in the

The Three Lies of Samson

1. “Tie me with seven green vines.”
2. “Tie me with new rope.”
3. “Weave my seven locks into a loom.”

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Philistines to capture him. After he defeated them, he should have fled for his life. But like a moth fly-
ing dangerously close to the flame, he couldn’t help but go back for more.

What was Delilah’s response when she got caught?

She was deceptively brilliant. The first time she got caught, Samson didn’t run away—but neither
did she. Instead, she blamed Samson.

What did she say? Read Judges 16:10 for the answer.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Delilah did more than complain about Samson deceiving her. She belittled him and turned her
vicious tongue on him.

According to Judges 16:16, what did she do?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Eventually, Delilah got the answer she wanted. He told her that when his hair was cut, he would be
powerless.When Delilah realized he was being honest, she called the lords of the Philistines and the trap
was set to capture this powerful man who was blind to danger because of his all-consuming lust.
Perhaps Samson really believed his strength was in his hair, but his real strength was in the vow he
made to the Lord. Is that like us today? Many of us believe our strength is in our tithing, church atten-
dance, or some other outward conformity to God.We boast,“I can do all things” but forget to complete
the verse, “…through Christ who strengthens me” (Phil. 4:13).

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 Samson and Delilah

Delilah put Samson to sleep in her lap and then called a barber to cut his hair. After walking dan-
gerously close to the edge, Samson finally fell.

What was Samson’s last opportunity

to finally make a good choice?
During a drinking banquet, the Philistines wanted to be entertained by Samson. But it was not just
that—they wanted to humiliate him. So a young boy led the blind giant of God, now reduced to a stum-
bling wimp, before the multitude. Samson was so humiliated he wanted to die; but he wanted to take
his enemies with him.
He asked the young boy to place him where he could touch the pillars of the great hall.With both hands
on the pillars, Samson knew that if he destroyed one pillar, the whole temple would collapse.
With both his hands on the pillars, Samson prayed, “Strengthen me just one more time” (Judg.
16:28, author’s translation). It’s rewarding to know that in the end, Samson finally made a good choice.
However, it’s discouraging to know that it was his last prayer.

What Samson Didn’t Know

❦ He couldn’t bounce back—“I will shake myself free” (Judg. 16:20).
❦ His spiritual strength was gone—“He did not know that the LORD had departed
from him” (v. 20).
❦ He didn’t know they would blind him—“The Philistines took him and put out
his eyes” (v. 21).
❦ He didn’t know they would put him in prison—“They bound him with bronze
fetters” (v. 21).
❦ He didn’t know they would humiliate him—“Call for Samson, that he may per-
form for us” (v. 25).

In a courageous act, Samson destroyed the temple, which was the glory of the Philistines. “So the
dead that he killed at his death were more than he had killed in his life” (Judg. 16:30).

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What should be our attitude after we are restored,

and what is God’s response to our attitude? Read 1 John 1:7.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Practical Take–Aways
Life is filled with choices.
No matter who you are, the most important thing about your success with God is measured by the
choices you’ve made to follow God. And your weaknesses in life are the result of bad choices.To have a
better life doesn’t involve more money, a better home, or a better job. It doesn’t even include a better
marriage. If you could begin today to make better choices—outstanding decisions—you’d have a better
life.

There’s usually weakness in strength.

Sometimes the strongest thing can’t be used because it isn’t flexible. Samson was the strongest man
physically, but inwardly he was weak. Samson couldn’t say no to his weakness. He needed to learn the
following truth:“I can win any victory—including the victory over sexual additions—through the Lord
who strengthens me” (Phil. 4:13, author’s paraphrase).

The enemy knows your weakness.

When the Philistines couldn’t defeat Samson in battle, they defeated him spiritually. Does the enemy
know your weakness? Does he use it against you? After Paul confessed his weakness in Romans 7, he
then relied on God for victory: “I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Rom. 7:25).

God is the God of second chances.

After Samson was defeated, and after he was in prison, God gave him a second chance. Why?
Because Samson confessed his sin and prayed for God’s help.Then God used him a “second time.” But
notice the difference: God used him in a different way and with different results. God’s use of Samson
had a different testimony among the believers.

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Journaling
Writing down your thoughts is a discipline that makes you think clearly about a subject. Since you
are serious about developing a strong marriage, use the following questions to guide your thoughts and
writings. Remember, writing will clarify your thinking when you write out the things you plan to do.

Example:
Lord, help us to encourage and enrich the lives of those around us.We don’t want
to be a negative influence or even help the enemy to destroy a person.We want to be
a nourishing influence. Help us to be careful with the promises and vows we make.
Help us never to forget them. Thank You for keeping Your promises, and guide us in
Your ways.

1. Think of a strong person you know who fell to a weakness.What could have “saved” him or
her? What could you have done that you didn’t do? What would you do next time if the same cir-
cumstances arose?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

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2. Describe your strengths (not to brag, but to be objective). How can you use your strengths to
glorify God?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

3. Describe your weaknesses. How have these weaknesses hurt you in the past? How can you
overcome them in the future?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

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4. The Bible promises a “way of escape” (1 Cor. 10:13). How have you overcome temptation in
the past? Could you write a prescription for victory to share with others?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

5. What have you learned from Samson to strengthen your character?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

Marriage-Strengthening Exercises
Read and discuss a book.
Both of you read a book about someone overcoming a problem or temptation. Discuss the
book together. Determine how each of you would approach the problem. If differently, discuss your
differences.

Talk about your worst decision.

Somewhere in your marriage the two of you have made a corporate bad decision. (Don’t discuss a
decision that only one of you made that had a disastrous result.) Talk about your decision.Why did you

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both make the decision? What do you know now that would change your mind about the decision?
How did you rebound from the decision? What have you learned from the decision?

Remember these steps in making decisions.

1. Honestly face the fact that you must make a decision.
a. Know you have a problem.
b. Know you must do something.
c. Know you can solve it.
2. Define the situation.
a. Don’t work on symptoms.
b.Write out the problem (a well-defined problem is half-solved).
3. Gather information.
a.Write out facts about your problem.
b. Look at causes.
c. Evaluate assumptions.
4. Develop as many alternate solutions as possible. Evaluate each alternative. (It’s important to write out
as many solutions as you can.)
5. Choose the best course of action.
a.To make a decision without the above process is guessing.
b. Decision-making is not thinking up what to do, it’s choosing the best solution suggested of all the
solutions provided.
c. In an imperfect world, there is no perfect answer, only the best solution at the time.
6. Make the decision work.
a. Communicate to those involved.
b. Constantly evaluate.
c. Keep focused on your goal.

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 Introduction by
Ed and Jo Beth Young
Second Baptist Church • Houston,Texas

W e know more about David than any other individual in the Bible,

except Jesus Christ. David has the longest biography recorded in the Scripture,

and God’s Word doesn’t pull any punches in recording his strengths and weak-

nesses. There is no hero in the Bible who is exempt from the truth—even

David, to whom God refers as “a man after His own heart” (1 Sam. 13:14).

David’s relationship with Bathsheba began as a rooftop affair and unfolds in a

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three-act play of crime, cover-up, and confession. It’s a sad, dramatic, and trag-

ic story, yet so many of us have made the same mistakes.The good news is that

bad beginnings are not decisive in marriage. Failure is not fatal, nor final.The

Scripture says,“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;

though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool” (Isa. 1:18). Forgiveness

is always available—that’s the grace of God.

We have seen this biblical truth played out time after time throughout our

forty-plus years together serving in churches. Couples start tragically and per-

severe victoriously. A man and woman whose marriage had ended in divorce

began visiting our church. Completely unaware of the other’s involvement,

both found new life in Jesus Christ. Surprised, they discovered each other

again and remarried. God took what was broken and made it whole again.This

is the story of redemption. It’s a story of reconciliation. As Jesus Christ recon-

ciles us with the Father, He also reconciles us to one another.

Do you want to have a great marriage? Read the following chapter care-

fully. Pause frequently and reflect on the truths of God’s Word. Allow Him to

do a wonderful work in your life and in your marriage. If you follow these

truths, we guarantee you’ll have a love that will last a lifetime.

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 LEARNING TO PICK UP THE PIECES
2 Samuel 11:1—12:25

H ave you ever seen a couple get married and you thought inwardly,“How long will it last?”
When you look at the way David and Bathsheba began—in adultery—you would never expect that they
would eventually have a good marriage or that they could ever be used of God. However, their rela-
tionship that began in adultery ended with Bathsheba as the last and the most influential wife of David.
There are five women mentioned in the genealogy of Jesus in Matthew 1:1–17; Bathsheba is one of
them. She eventually had two sons.The first was Solomon (his name means “peace”), and Solomon’s line
extends to Joseph, the stepfather of Jesus. Her other son was Nathan, whose line extends to Mary, the

Counseling Approach
David was a shepherd, a caregiver, and a gentle man who knew how to protect his
flock from wild animals. He was a shepherd, knowing where to lead the flock. And he had
great attributes for being a great husband.
David knew God as his courage–giver and source of strength in victory over wild pred-
ators and giant enemies. Strength, courage, and knowledge of God were David’s greatest
attributes for being a great husband.
David was a psalmist and loved love music. He wrote music and prayers. His sensitivi-
ty and love was often expressed through poetry and music.
David was a king. He had wealth and power along with leadership and understanding
of enemy tactics.
But all of these wonderful attributes could also lead to great sin. If he always won, he
might get greedy for self–fulfillment. If everyone loved him, they might let him get away
with murder. If he always got what he wanted, his power could cause him to sin.
Lust, power, greed, success, and riches can destroy a person if he or she loses sight of
where true values lie— in loving a God and fellow man, and in having the utmost respect
for covenant.

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mother of Jesus. So what began in the shadow of adultery was brought into the light of salvation when
the children of David and Bathsheba were ultimately responsible for Jesus, the Messiah.

 DAVID AND BATHSHEBA’S SIN 

Why was David open to temptation?

David had spent thirteen hard years in the wilderness from his late teens through his late twenties.
He was pursued by Saul, driven away from home, and was away from the presence of God in the
Tabernacle. When David first became king, he had a number of difficult military campaigns, also away
from his home. Now that David was middle-aged, perhaps he thought he could take it easy and enjoy
the fruit of his accomplishments.

What did David do to contribute to his fall?

There are several circumstances that led to his infidelity. It happened in the springtime, when there
is a new surge of life—“at the time when kings go out to battle” (2 Sam. 11:1). Men and women nat-
urally seem to think of love more during spring than any other time of year.
A second circumstance suggests that David evaded his responsibility—“David remained at
Jerusalem” (v. 1). When he should have been with his warriors in the field, David stayed in Jerusalem
where it was comfortable.
Then there was a third circumstance. David couldn’t sleep, so he “arose from his bed and walked on
the roof ” (v. 2).
In the fourth place, David became sort of a Peeping Tom. He saw a woman bathing (v. 2) and could-
n’t look away. Once he saw, he kept looking.

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 David and Bathsheba

In Hebrews 4:15, who is our role model when we are tempted?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

How did Jesus overcome temptation? Look in Matthew 4:1-10.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

How did Bathsheba contribute to the fall?

While it may appear that she was completely innocent and was the victim in this circumstance, there
are things that Bathsheba could have done to change the consequences. First, Bathsheba disrobed and
bathed on an open rooftop, which was immod-
est and indecent. When a woman suggestively
“We are not responsible for reveals her anatomy to a man, even unintention-
temptation that comes to our door, ally, she makes it nearly impossible for that man
to control his thought life.
But we are responsible if we invite
Loneliness might have been the second cir-
it in.” cumstance. Her husband was off to war. Perhaps
—Martin Luther
she wanted companionship. When the messen-
ger came saying that the king wanted to see her,
it probably answered a longing for companionship in her heart.After all, David was handsome and com-
pelling.

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What should David have done?

Obviously, there are several steps David could have taken to prevent the tragedy. First and foremost,
he could have stopped looking at Bathsheba when she was bathing. However, some men have said that
even after they turn away, they can’t turn off their imaginations.The Bible says, “Flee sexual immorali-
ty” (1 Cor. 6:18). David could also have immediately gone to Rabbah to be with his troops, which is
where he should have been in the first place. Or David could have gone back to his room to write
another psalm. After all, when he was disquieted, upset, or discouraged, he wrote psalms to express his
deep distress.Why not pen a psalm to express the lust he felt in his body and how to overcome temp-
tation?

What inner secret do we have to help us overcome temptation?

Look in Psalm 119:11.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What should Bathsheba have done?

Obviously, she should have bathed indoors, out of public view.When the invitation came from the
king, she also could have refused to go. It may be difficult to refuse a king, but Bathsheba should have
resolved to be faithful to her husband and remain at home.

According to James 4:7, what should be our outer response

to overcome temptation?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

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 DAVID’S SIN 

How did David sin?

The Bible suggests that he did not innocently back into the
affair, but he sinned aggressively with his eyes wide open:“David
sent messengers, and took her” (2 Sam. 11:4).This was a reckless I see her.
move, for the messengers would have probably returned to their
quarters to tell the other servants. What David did wrong was
Casual observer
probably known throughout the palace, and he was probably
I want her.
aware that all the servants knew everything. Therefore, when
David sent for Bathsheba, he moved from a casual observer to
consensual sin, and then to compulsive addiction. Consensual sin.
Many affairs begin with a casual observation—seeing some- I will have her.
thing or having an innocent discussion about things that should-
n’t be approached. Then curiosity or lust kicks in which drives Compulsive addiction
the person to become a part of the consensual sin. After the affair I can’t break it off.
begins, one or both of the parties can’t break it off. It becomes a
compulsive addiction.

What was the result of this tryst?

David might have thought this was a one-night stand to satisfy his lust. But in the providence of
God, Bathsheba later sent word to David that she was pregnant. Now he was faced with a worse dilem-
ma.

How does sin get into our thinking and life? Read James 4:17.

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Whom God Has Joined Together

David thought through the ramifications and knew his leadership would be severely questioned
when people found out he had committed adultery with Bathsheba. After all, he was the king, and the
seventh commandment said, “You shall not commit adultery.”

How did David try to cover up?

First, David brought Uriah home under the pretense that he had business for him. But when Uriah
arrived in Jerusalem, he stayed in the soldiers’ quarters next to the palace. He did not go to his wife, so
he did not have sexual relations with her. Uriah probably stayed next to the king’s palace, thinking David
may have a task for him. Or perhaps he just
If we hide our sin, wanted to be ready when David sent him back
to battle.
God reveals it. When David realized his plan didn’t work,
If we acknowledge our sin, the next night he threw a big party to get Uriah
drunk. David was now compounding his sin
God forgives it.
because the Bible says, “Woe to him who gives
drink to his neighbor” (Hab. 2:15). But even in
his drunkenness, Uriah was too loyal to go sleep at home with his wife. Again, he stayed in the soldiers’
quarters.
As a last resort, David sent a note back to Joab in care of Uriah. In the note, David instructed Uriah
to be placed in the hottest battle, then for all other soldiers to retreat, leaving Uriah to die. Little did
Uriah know that the message in his hand was his own death warrant.
Uriah was involved in a severe battle and when the other soldiers retreated, he was killed. It might
as well have been David’s own hand on the sword that killed Uriah.

According to 2 Samuel 11:27, when the message reached David

that Uriah was dead, what did David do?

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 David and Bathsheba

David thought he had hidden his sin. He thought no one would know. After all, sometimes chil-
dren are born early, while others come late. As far as David was concerned, everyone would think the
baby born to Bathsheba was legally his, when in fact, it was immorally his.

What was God’s response?

How is it that we think we can hide things from God? Because God is omniscient, He is all-know-
ing. And because God is omnipresent, He is present everywhere at the same time.Therefore, God knew
what David had done.The king had hidden his sin from everyone but God.“The thing David had done
displeased the LORD” (2 Sam. 11:27).

How did God deal with the situation?

The king who was supposed to lead the
nation in righteousness had committed adultery. “Against You, You only, have I
God could have dealt with it privately to replace
sinned, and done this evil in Your
David from the throne, but that wasn’t God’s
way.
sight. Hide Your face from my sins,
God sent the prophet Nathan to tell David and blot out all my iniquities. Create
that he had sinned. Nathan probably had a diffi- in me a clean heart, O God, and
cult time with this assignment. If David had renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do
killed Uriah, wouldn’t David consider killing not cast me away from Your presence,
him? Since David had gone to elaborate plans to
and do not take Your Holy Spirit
cover up his sin, wouldn’t the king eliminate
Nathan to keep the sin covered? Nathan from me” (Ps. 51:4, 9–11).
“preached” a parable to bring conviction to the
king:

Two men lived in a certain town; one was rich and the other was poor.
The rich man owned many sheep and cattle, but the poor man only owned one
lamb.The small ewe lamb was the delight of the poor man—it played with his chil-
dren, ate from his plate, and drank from his cup.

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Whom God Has Joined Together

The poor man loved the little lamb so much that he would hold it in his arms
like a little baby daughter.
A stranger traveling through the area was invited to stay at the home of the rich
man. But instead of killing one of his lambs, the rich man took the poor man’s lamb,
killed it, and served it to the stranger.

What was David’s response?

David had been a shepherd and probably had a small ewe lamb much like the one described in the
parable. When David heard the story, he was furious, as any shepherd would be. But he wasn’t angry
because he thought Nathan knew his secret; David was furious because of the injustice done to the poor
man. And he was doubly furious because the one sheep had been taken.

When David heard the parable from Nathan, what did he say?
Look in 2 Samuel 12:5, 6.

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Little did David know that his rash response in judgment was the punishment he had leveled for
himself.
The prophet Nathan wasn’t intimidated by King David. He was on business for the Lord, who was
his real King. Nathan pointed his finger at David and announced,“You are the man!” In an instant, David
realized that the entire plot was known. Immediately, he realized that God knew what he had done, and
in conviction, David yielded to the Lord. Nathan asked,“Why have you despised the commandment of
the LORD, to do evil in His sight?” (2 Sam. 12:9).
Before leaving the room, Nathan said David would be judged by his own verdict.There would be
a fourfold punishment upon David.

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 David and Bathsheba

David’s Fourfold Punishment

1. Murder:“The sword shall never depart from your house” (2 Sam. 12:10). Eventually
Absalom, David’s prize son would kill another of his sons, Amnon.
2. Rape: “I will raise up adversity against you from your own house” (v. 11). Amnon
would rape Tamar.
3. Humiliation:“I will take your wives before your eyes and give them to your neigh-
bor” (v. 11).
4. Death: “The child who is born to you shall surely die” (v. 14).

David was overwhelmed with conviction. For the next

seven days he fasted before God, pleading for the life of the
child. It was David’s sin, not the sin of the child—the baby was What You
innocent. Psalm 51 reflects the deep remorse of David as he wept
and pled for the life of the child.
Must Do
This sin was so great that a hundred years later when the Confess it.
writer was listing the genealogy of the kings of Israel and men- Forsake it.
tioned the greatness of David, he could not forget his sin: Leave it in the past.
“except in the matter of Uriah the Hittite” (1 Kin. 15:5).

What is necessary after a couple sins?

A couple that begins their relationship in sin should do the same thing as David.There is a three-
fold step in dealing with sin. First, you must confess it.

What does 1 John 1:9 say about the confession of sins?

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But just confessing (saying the same thing) is not enough.There is a second step:You must forsake
your sin. This is called repentance. Even if a couple has lived together, they must separate until the mar-

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riage becomes legal. If you want God’s forgiveness, you must be willing to live by God’s ordinance after
you have confessed the sin.
Finally, there is a third step.You must leave it in the past. If God has forgiven your sin, then don’t
wallow in the mire of self-pity. Don’t continue rolling in the mud of self-condemnation.When the sin
has been cleansed, get up and walk away daily in closer fellowship with God.
Forgiveness is so important in marriage. Anytime a couple sins, whether it is a sin before or after
their marriage, they must learn to walk in God’s forgiveness. When we confess our sins to God and
repent of them, the Bible says we are cleansed and forgiven.That means that if God says you are clean,
you should now act in a clean way.Those who refuse to accept God’s forgiveness are acting in unbelief.
Remember, the sin of unbelief is just as terrible as the sin of adultery.

What is God’s promise to you when you are tempted? See 1 Corinthians 10:13.

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After you have accepted God’s forgiveness, you must forgive each other. A marriage can never be
strong when one mate blames the other for anything they have done wrong.
If God has forgiven you, walk with courage.Yes, there may be rumors and gossip. But your respon-
sibility is to God, not to those who are talking.You can go to them and ask their forgiveness, but if they
refuse to forgive you, then there’s nothing more you can do.

What is God’s reward for those who successfully overcome temptation?

Look in James 1:12 for the answer.

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 David and Bathsheba

How did good come from wrong?

David did the right thing when he brought Bathsheba into
his house and made her his wife. As we have said before in this
book, God does not condone multiple marriages. God’s standard
is one man for one woman, for one lifetime. David was a man
What You
after God’s own heart, but still he had multiple wives, in part Must Do
because he was influenced by the culture of his day. The Bible Seek God’s forgiveness.
describes accurately what happened, but when it indicates that Forgive each other.
David had more than one wife, that doesn’t mean the Bible pre- Forgive yourself.
scribes polygamy for today.
Bathsheba was David’s last wife, as well as the most promi-
nent and influential. When Adonijah tried to steal the throne
from David to become the next king, it was the wisdom of Bathsheba working with Nathan, the
prophet, that led to Solomon’s place on the throne.
The child conceived out of wedlock did eventually die. Why would God cause the suffering of a
child, even though it was David who sinned? In God’s economy and wisdom, we don’t always under-
stand His plan and purpose. In this case, the sin
of David was so great that it not only impacted
“Man looks at the outward appear- his life but also the lives of his children.
ance, but the LORD looks at the After the baby died, Bathsheba conceived
heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). again and Solomon was born. He was given the
name Jedidiah, which means “beloved of the
Lord.” God loved Solomon and had a great plan
for him. He was also given the name that means “peace.” And while David was a man of war to estab-
lish the kingdom, Solomon was a man of peace who reigned over the kingdom.
God elevated Bathsheba to a place of prominence in the Messianic line.Through her son, Solomon,
came Joseph, who became the stepfather of Jesus Christ, Messiah to the world. And through the line of
Bathsheba’s other son, Nathan (she named her boy after the prophet who brought conviction of their
sin), was born Mary, the mother of Jesus.

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Practical Take–Aways
Both David and Bathsheba knew better.
Often we want to excuse sin by saying,“It’s not so bad.” Or we want to excuse ourselves by saying,
“I didn’t realize.” But David and Bathsheba knew the commandments of God, including the one that
said, “You shall not commit adultery” (Ex. 20:14).
Their sin wasn’t just against their marriage partner—it was against God.
Both David and Bathsheba did everything possible to save themselves embarrassment and trouble.
If God hadn’t brought the sin to light, no one would have been the wiser. But God knew, and He cared.
This wasn’t just a sin against the Ten Commandments; this was a sin against God. David knew this when
he prayed, “Against You,You only, have I sinned” (Ps. 51:4).

It’s possible to do right, even after a bad beginning.

There have been many couples that have had a rough engagement but have ended up with a good
marriage. However, it takes purpose to make an
“Let the words of my mouth and the about-face and go in the right direction. David did
that when he brought Bathsheba into his house
meditation of my heart be acceptable
and took care of the baby. He did that when
in Your sight, O LORD, my strength
Bathsheba became the last and most prominent
and my Redeemer” (Psalm 19:14). wife. David’s prayer of repentance (Psalm 51)
indicates his heart was right before God.

Outward circumstances are not enough to keep a person from giving in to temptation.
David had every reason not to sin. He had more than one wife. He was the divine example as king.
He knew the Scriptures, and he was a man after God’s own heart. All of this, and yet he still sinned. It
can happen to any of us.We need to stay close to God and the “way of escape” will be given to keep us
from falling into temptation (1 Cor. 10:13).

Journaling
Writing down your thoughts is a discipline that makes you think clearly about a subject. Since you
are serious about developing a strong marriage, use the following questions to guide your thoughts and
writings. Remember, writing will clarify your thinking when you write out the things you plan to do.

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 David and Bathsheba

Why Was the Child Taken?

The child was a source of ridicule—“You have given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD
to blaspheme” (2 Sam. 12:14).

Example:
Lord, we know it’s difficult to remain pure in heart and thoughts. We are inun-
dated daily with nudity and temptation on TV, in the movies, and with today’s cloth-
ing styles. Even unintentionally, our senses are bombarded by outside influences that
test and tempt us. Father, let our eyes and thoughts be only for each other just as You
intended. Help us to keep our eyes focused on You.We are sorry for our past sins and
humbly confess them now to You and to each other. Forgive us, Father, and we will
forgive each other. Help us to move forward from this moment on, toward a life of
service to each other and to You. Thank you for Your grace and mercy, and for the
opportunity to be a good spouse.

1. Write down the things you have done to overcome temptation. Include your prayers, your
favorite Bible passages, or any other thing that helped you gain victory.

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

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2. Try to describe how you felt when you were victorious over sin.What did that feeling do for
you? What Bible verses were meaningful to help give you that victorious feeling?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

3. Can you remember the feelings of despair when you were out of fellowship with God? How
did you feel? Re-visit these feelings to make sure you won’t return to them.

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

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 David and Bathsheba

Marriage-Strengthening Exercises
Study the Lord’s Prayer.
Study the Lord’s Prayer to see the role of prayer in delivering one from temptation and evil.Add to
your reading list chapters 9 and 10 of the book: Praying the Lord’s Prayer by Elmer Towns.

Devise a plan of prayer.

Lay out a plan to pray the Lord’s Prayer on a regular basis. If possible, pray it out loud together with
your mate. Note the petition, “Lead us not into temptation.” Pray for God to keep both of you from
sexual sins.

Choose a mentor.
Pick out an elderly couple that has loved God, each other, and has remained committed to each
other throughout life. Study that couple and try to emulate their strong points. If you can get close to
them, find out their secret of victory. Then follow it.

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 Introduction by
John Ed and Lynn Mathison
Frazer Memorial United Methodist Church
Montgomery, Alabama

G od is a God who gives second chances. He condemns sin but offers

people a new opportunity. He makes new people out of them. He makes them

people who are worthy to be respected and gives them opportunities to serve.

Ruth was a Moabitess. She was outside the commonwealth of Israel. But

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she made a decision that allowed her to live with God’s people and enjoy God’s

economy. God saw the potential in Ruth. In the sovereignty of God, she mar-

ried Boaz and was in the line of Christ.

We have seen God do the same thing for people in our church. Some

people have been far, far away from God but made a decision to follow Christ.

God has put them into a wonderful Christian family. He has created special

places of service for them. We have seen God take people the world consid-

ered failures and make them great leaders.

The story of Ruth is a story of a woman of great character. She was true

to her mother-in-law, she was faithful to keep her commitments, and she

worked hard. But most importantly, she was faithful in her own integrity. It was

that integrity that God created in her that led Boaz to respect her and, conse-

quently, led her to respect Boaz.They were two people from extremely differ-

ent backgrounds, yet two people whose marriage was built on love that grew

out of mutual respect—a couple God used to serve Him in a special way.

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 LEARNING TO LOVE
AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER
Ruth 1:16—2:23

R espect is the foundation of love and marriage. Because genuine love always includes giving
one’s life to someone, it’s difficult to love someone without first feeling respect for that person. Ruth
respected Boaz’s family position and community prestige. She was always careful to honor him and the
position he held in the community. At the same time, Boaz respected Ruth’s commitment to God, and
he often mentioned Ruth’s commitment to her mother-in-law. He also respected Ruth for being a hard
and industrious worker.There was mutual respect in this marriage.

How does God’s Word instruct a wife to show respect for her husband?
See 1 Peter 3:1–4 and Ephesians 5:22.

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 THE PROBLEM 
The Book of Ruth begins with a family in the city of Bethlehem grappling with a financial prob-
lem.There was a famine in the area and many families didn’t have enough to eat. Elimelech and Naomi
were respected community members. The term Ephrata that described them implies they were
“blue–bloods,” meaning they were linked to the original settlers of Bethlehem.They had position in the
community. But social status isn’t worth much when you don’t have anything to eat. It was probably at
this time when Elimelech lost his house and property to creditors because he couldn’t pay his bills.

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Counseling Approach
Family backgrounds are very significant in determining what a marriage will be like.
There are two histories at work in a marriage.The strengths from both can be assets to the
marriage, while understood weaknesses or injuries can indicate where support is needed.
Experiences from a previous marriage should only be shared, if at all, with a current spouse
in ways which build trust and intimacy.
It’s not necessary or even correct to disregard all things from a previous marriage to
make a subsequent marriage a success. It is vital, however, that primary respect be had from
the present spouse, and that great care be taken if one chooses to speak about any person-
al history prior to him or her.
Remember the good things from your previous marriage and build on them in the
present one. Forget about the negative things and don’t repeat them. Nothing says that a
married couple must be similar in age. However, if a marriage involves partners of consid-
erably different ages, there will likely be other differences including social habits, levels of
activity, or friendship preferences that will need to be accommodated or worked through.
The older mate may have difficulty keeping the same hours. The younger may wish to
be far more social and festive.Tolerance and clarity on the part of both is especially impor-
tant in such cases. A little willingness to enter into new things will also benefit any mar-
riage.
Respect must be a main pillar supporting the marriage. The older mate may possess
wisdom from more experience, yet it would be unwise for anyone to imply lesser respect
for the younger. The younger mate may have respect for the older due to age, while not
respecting the older mate’s wisdom and years of learning.
The older mate may want an heir.This would be a good talking point before marriage.

According to 1 Peter 3:7 and Ephesians 5:28,

how does God instruct a husband to care about and respect his wife?

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 Boaz and Ruth

The heat of trouble reveals one’s character.

While lack of money was a problem, Elimelech had a deeper problem, probably an unseen charac-
ter flaw that the other members of the community hadn’t noticed.When depression hit the communi-
ty, he didn’t stay to fight the problem, nor did he trust God to feed him and his family. Instead, Elimelech
planned to cross the Jordan Valley into the well-watered plains of Moab. Because the grass is always
greener on the other side of the fence, and since Elimelech could see the green, well-watered fields of
Moab from his home in Bethlehem, he thought life would be better there. So Elimelech began making
plans to move.The problem was that Moab was a foreign nation, with a foreign culture and foreign gods.
The Bible records, “A certain man of Bethlehem, Judah, went to dwell in the country of Moab, he and
his wife and his two sons…” “And they went to the country of Moab and remained there” (Ruth 1:1,
2). There’s nothing wrong with a man seeking financial opportunities for his family, but if it means
depriving one’s family of spiritual nurturing, then it’s no blessing.
Two Hebrew words seem to indicate Elimelech’s creeping spiritual paralysis. First, the word dwell
(Ruth 1:1) implies that he intended to live in Moab temporarily. He probably intended to return to the
Holy Land after the financial crisis was over. Next, the phrase “remained there” (v. 2) means they settled
there permanently. In time, they were no longer merely living in Moab; rather Moab was living in them.
Elimelech’s surface troubles with money revealed a deeper problem.

Why Moab Was Wrong

❦ The family was separated from their spiritual support.
❦ They were exposed to an adulterous and evil lifestyle.
❦ They were separated from family care and influence.

What happens to our faith when trouble comes?

When we disregard God in our struggle to make our lives work, we end up deepening our trou-
bles. Elimelech died in Moab, leaving Naomi a widow with two boys in her care. Elimelech’s decisions
affected his sons, as well, since they predictably married outside of the covenant to Moabite women.The
sons then died young, leaving their widows, who had been raised on the pagan worship of Chemosh,
with Naomi, who now had no fellowship or support among any covenant people. She thought God was
as far away from her as she felt herself to be from Him. But God was not absent.

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As when Joseph, the son of Jacob, told his brothers that what they meant for evil, God meant for
good, so the suffering produced by Elemilech’s costly actions became a kingdom story of redemption.
One of Naomi’s daughters-in-law reluctantly
left Naomi to return to her own family. The
Because security is in the eye of the other, Ruth, had been witnessed to enough by
beholder, Naomi’s love that she refused to be separated
Our security seems elusive when we from Naomi and instead devoted herself to serv-
ing Naomi and her God, Jehovah.
don’t know the future.
Naomi looked back across the Jordan Valley
to Bethlehem and saw that the famine was over.
The fields of Bethlehem were now green, and she made a decision—she decided to return home.
Ruth understood that, because she was a Moabitess, she had little chance of remarrying in Judah.
This fact would have been terrifying to a widow alone in those days, but especially so in light of relo-
cating to a strange land just recovering from a ten-year famine. However, Ruth chose the noble path
rather than the familiar and its better prospects for survival.
Her beautiful words to Naomi sang out her courageous risk of starving with her rather than being
separated from her. Ruth knew that alone, Naomi had little chance at her age.
These compelling words so beautifully express devotion and respect that we, Elmer and Ruth,
included them in our own marriage vows spoken on August 21, 1953.

How did Ruth put faith in the Lord?

The two of them left Moab for Bethlehem. Ruth was new in her faith to Jehovah, but the Lord
responded to the courage of her commitment
and its loving motive by blessing her faith and
her way. When Ruth entered Bethlehem, the True security is only in finding and
community must have seen her faith because following God,
Boaz later said, “A full reward be given you by Because only He knows the future.
the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings you
have come for refuge” (Ruth 2:12). Just as
Ruth’s new faith was important to her, it was also important to Boaz. The salvation faith of both hus-
band and wife is a necessary foundation for a Christian marriage.

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 Boaz and Ruth

What did it cost Ruth to put her faith in Jehovah?

The Lord had given Ruth a strong enough faith to leave her family and heathen gods.This is anoth-
er thing Boaz respected about her when he said, “You have left your father and your mother and the
land of your birth, and have come to a people whom you did not know before” (Ruth 2:11).

“Entreat me not to leave you, or to turn back from following after you; for
wherever you go, I will go; and wherever you lodge, I will lodge; your
people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will
die, and there will I be buried. The LORD do so to me, and more also, if
anything but death parts you and me” (Ruth 1:16, 17).

What did Boaz respect about Ruth?

Boaz was moved by what he had heard about Ruth. Not only was she loyal to Jehovah, Ruth sep-
arated herself from her pagan background and became loyal to her new family. Boaz commented,“It has
been fully reported to me, all that you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your hus-
band” (Ruth 2:11).

What brings happiness today?

Years ago a candidate for Miss America was asked while being interviewed, “What would you like
to do in life?”The young girl answered,“To have fun.”While there’s nothing wrong with having fun, is
it the admirable purpose in life? Fun should never be the goal that motivates us. Fun is a by-product that
comes from successfully walking the road of life. Living successfully out of the heart instead of the flesh
builds inward happiness, and that contentment inevitably amplifies everything that is fun in life. That
same contentment also assures greater comfort when life isn’t fun.

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What character depth is visible in Ruth’s life?

Obviously, choosing to leave the familiar security of her homeland was not a purely rational deci-
sion. Logic would have compelled the opposite choice. Her heart told her to follow Jehovah, regardless
of the circumstances or what others thought. She left her family and her whole background because
even though she was raised pagan, she had the
integrity to live compassionately and honestly
The flesh looks on the outward out of her heart. Integrity also gave Ruth the
willingness to work hard in the fields to provide
appearance of the body;
food for herself and Naomi. Hard work was a
A Godly heart looks on the inward way of life.
character of another’s heart. One of the most important qualities a
young person brings to marriage is integrity,
which means being honest with oneself. Ruth
had integrity, and that was the most valuable thing about her character.
God has blessed our modern world with many comforts and much prosperity that should be appre-
ciated and used for His glory. It seems, though, that our abundance of comfort and security has encour-
aged the development of more appetite than character. As good as it is for a young person to be physi-
cally attracted to someone they intend to marry, character is the real thing—the only thing—that a per-
son truly falls in love with in another.

 LESSONS THAT LEAD TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE 

A loving relationship with parents and siblings prepares one for a happy marriage.
We’ve all heard the mother-in-law jokes and the fact that a young wife can never cook as well as a
young groom’s mother. Sometimes friction may develop between a young wife and her mother-in-law
because they do things differently. But Ruth’s loving relationship to her mother-in-law prepared her for
a loving relationship with Boaz.

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 Boaz and Ruth

An unhappy childhood can be overcome.

Nothing is revealed in the narrative about Ruth’s early home life. If she had poor role models in
her parents, she overcame it. Ruth was strengthened by the love she received from her mother-in-law.
Any child who is deeply loved by his or her mother will usually form a strong self-identity. The child
that has a healthy relationship with his or her parents will have fewer emotional problems than one who
can’t get along with their parents. Probably to Naomi’s credit, Ruth developed a loving relationship with
her mother-in-law and later a loving relationship with her husband.

Developing kindness prepares one for marriage.

When Naomi and Ruth returned to Bethlehem, apparently Naomi was too old to work in the fields.
Whether or not that was the case, Ruth was much younger and stronger, so she went out to glean in the
fields.That was hard work, stooping, bending all day under a hot sun, gathering, and then thrashing grain.
After this, Ruth had to carry it home. Ruth did all this for her mother-in-law—certainly a kind act. Her
unselfishness before marriage equipped her for a wonderful marriage.

Separation
Elimelech preferred security over faith in God’s protection.
Ruth wouldn’t stay in a heathen land.

Developing kindness and love begins with the Lord.

Because Jehovah is a loving God, He gives us love for other people.Therefore, it is only appropri-
ate that the greatest commandment deals with love: “You shall love the LORD your God with all your
heart”; and when we do that, we gain strength to “love your neighbor as yourself.” Ruth’s love for other
people was enlarged by her love from and for Jehovah.

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 BOAZ’S RESPECT FOR RUTH 

How did Boaz express his respect for Ruth?

How would Boaz use Ruth’s example to admonish the young people
of this postmodern age? Look in Ruth 2:11, 12.

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________________________________________________________

Boaz was apparently an older man. Referring to Ruth as “my daughter” (Ruth 3:10) is something
that an older man might say to someone who was young enough to in fact be his daughter. Also, the
fact that Boaz owned fields, had servants, and was a respected leader in the community who sat at the
gates all imply his seniority. It is unlikely, however, that he had yet reached old age by the time he met
Ruth, who was probably in her twenties.

How did Boaz demonstrate faith in the Lord?

Acknowledging God in all things was as normal as breathing for Boaz. When he greeted his ser-
vants, he said, “The LORD be with you” (Ruth 2:4). Later, when he was talking with Ruth, he talked
about God: “Blessed are you of the LORD, my daughter!” (Ruth 3:10). Later when he made a promise,
he based his word on the integrity of God:“I will perform the duty for you, as the LORD lives!”(v. 13).
A husband must be a man of God for the marriage to be heavenly. He has a calling to provide lead-
ership for the spiritual care of the family. Many marriages flounder because husbands are (a) not pre-
pared to lead the family, (b) are unwilling to lead the family, or (c) don’t recognize the centrality of spir-
itual life in a healthy family.
There are countless joys to be experienced in a loving, respectful marriage, many fulfilling chal-
lenges, and a lot of just plain fun.The fact that marriage and family are serious business, however, must
never escape anyone’s awareness. The well-prepared man will be conscious of the kinds of things that
can threaten the spiritual life of a family and the health of relationships. But he will keep his eyes and
heart fixed upon the Lord, and will have committed himself to continually growing in faith as the chief
servant of his home.

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 Boaz and Ruth

How did Boaz show respect for Ruth?

When Boaz first saw Ruth in the fields, he asked, “Whose young woman is this?” (Ruth 2:5). His
workmen replied that she had asked to glean in the field; “So she came and has continued from morn-
ing until now, though she rested a little in the house” (v. 7). Boaz later acknowledged her diligence.
In the Old Testament, there were no welfare checks. Rather, the Lord made provision for the poor
and widows, not permitting farmers to reap the corners of their grain fields nor to go back to gather
the gleanings (any grain that is dropped by the harvesters). Farmers were to leave this grain for the poor,
the foreigners, the widows, and orphans (Lev.
23:22; Deut. 24:19). By these standards, Ruth
Ruth was made ready for a love rela- and Naomi qualified for God’s welfare. But even
tionship with Boaz, this system linked rewards to the level of effort
in gleaning. Thus, Ruth went to work with the
because of her healthy relationship with others, gleaning the harvest to take care of her
the Lord and her new family. needs.
While there’s nothing wrong with being
beautiful and dressing properly, there is more to
life than just being a fashion authority.While the Bible commands us to be a good testimony by the way
we act and dress, our inner person is more important than the outer appearance. Nowhere does the Bible
say that Ruth was outwardly beautiful. She asked the question, “Why have I found favor in your eyes,
that you should take notice of me, since I am a foreigner?” (Ruth 2:10). Ruth was aware that men
noticed women, and she wanted to know why Boaz had noticed her.The answer was found in her quiet,
humble spirit, which was one of her greatest assets.This is the quality admonished in the New Testament
(1 Pet. 5:5).

How did Boaz provide for Ruth?

He told his workers to allow Ruth to glean near them, as close as possible. But he went a step fur-
ther and instructed them from time to time to drop extra grain for Ruth to glean. He also told them to
let her cool her thirst.When a man admires a woman, he wants to give her something. Boaz had com-
passion for Ruth and made extra provisions for her.

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What brought them together?

While it looks like circumstances brought them together, it was the hand of God that guided Ruth
to the field of Boaz. “And she happened to come to the part of the field belonging to Boaz, who was
of the family of Elimelech” (Ruth 2:3).This means she just happened to choose the field of Boaz, not
knowing he was a distant relative to her deceased father-in-law. What seems to be coincidental in our
life many times is the work of God.“And we know that all things work together for good to those who
love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose” (Rom. 8:28).

How was Ruth attracted to Boaz?

It is not known if Boaz was a physically attractive man or how affluent he was.What does stand out
about him is his gentleness and kindness, attributes that any woman would find attractive.

How did the Law of God bring them together?

The Old Testament law provided that a childless widow could seek marriage with her late husband’s
nearest kinsman (usually a brother if one was available and willing) so that their first son could inherit
the deceased man’s birthright and money.This is called a Levirate marriage (Levirate means “brother”).
Apparently, Elimelech had owned property near Bethlehem in Judah, but may have lost it in default
on a loan taken during the famine. Probably for the sake of brevity or discretion, Boaz tells the town
leaders that Naomi sold the land (Ruth 4:3). Old Testament law helped protect against permanent loss
of birthright, though, by requiring that all property be returned to the eldest male heir of the original
family owners on the year of Jubilee, which came every fifty years. So the property that would have
eventually been restored to Elimelech’s descendants was in danger of being permanently lost since there
were no male heirs.

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 Boaz and Ruth

How did Ruth approach Boaz?

Out of obvious respect for him, Ruth didn’t embarrass Boaz by publicly pressing him to fulfill the
noble obligation of Elimelech’s kinsman. Nor did she try to entice or coax him into it. With Naomi’s
advice, she went to him privately when no one else was around. In those days, it would have been dif-
ficult for Ruth to arrange an interview with Boaz, so Naomi devised a plan where the two of them
could talk.
After the final threshing of a harvest, farmers and workers would celebrate with a feast. Until the
grain could be sold or safely stored, the owners would usually sleep near the harvest to protect it from
animals and thieves. Naomi knew what the men would do, so she prepared Ruth to go talk with Boaz.
Naomi instructed Ruth to wash, put on her best clothes, and add the best fragrance (perfume). She
told Ruth that after Boaz went to sleep with his grain, she should approach him like a servant out of
respect and humility. Ruth did not lie with him in an intimate way. Rather, she lay at his feet as a ser-
vant might lie at the feet of a master. Since the fall harvest has chilly nights, a servant kept the feet of his
master warm. Ruth did what Naomi instructed. In the middle of the night, when Boaz awakened to see
that Ruth was there, he was startled at first until Ruth explained and made her request. Boaz was so flat-
tered and appreciative of the respectful and considerate way she entreated him that he was won over
instantly.
What should be understood here is that Ruth wasn’t using some obscure legal maneuver to win
Boaz’s heart. Every element of this transaction was foundational to the Law and universally respected
without question.This is because property, inheritance, and family birthright were so important and cen-
tral to the covenants of God. Even though she didn’t understand it, Ruth was honoring God’s Law when
she said to Boaz, “I am Ruth, your maidservant.Take your maidservant under your wing, for you are a
close relative” (Ruth 3:9). Ruth was telling Boaz two things: First, she is a kinsman, and second, it was
a matter of honor for him to redeem her.

How did Ruth respect Boaz in words and in the way she entreated him?
In what ways, if any, would her character contrast favorably with the level
of common respect generally practiced today? See Ruth 2:13 and 3:6–11.

________________________________________________________

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Whom God Has Joined Together

How did Boaz handle the proposal?

Boaz must have seen how Ruth respected him in the way she approached the situation. And he
showed respect to her in return.“Then he said,‘Blessed are you of the LORD, my daughter! For you have
shown more kindness at the end than at the beginning, in that you did not go after young men, whether
poor or rich. And now, my daughter, do not fear. I will do for you all that you request, for all the peo-
ple of my town know that you are a virtuous woman’” (Ruth 3:10, 11).
Boaz, of course, agreed to his levirate duty, but then, unknown to Ruth and Naomi, he decided to
be more than just the levirate. Boaz proposed to the elders that the gracious (and Christ-foreshadow-
ing) work of a “kinsman redeemer” was needed on behalf of Naomi. He then cleverly managed to secure
the honor of being the one to marry Ruth and then to purchase back (redeem) Naomi’s land so she
could benefit from it, and so Ruth’s son would be assured of inheriting it in Elimelech’s name.

The Qualities of Ruth

❦ Respectful of Boaz.
❦ Requested marriage humbly.
❦ Reputation of integrity.

What did Boaz and Ruth not do?

Boaz told her to lie down and sleep until the daytime, knowing there were dangerous animals and
threatening men on the road at night. In the darkness of the night, Boaz did not try to take advantage
of Ruth, nor did Ruth try to entice Boaz. He protected her. The Bible says she slept at his feet until
morning (Ruth 3:14). Both showed self-control, which comes from a spirit-controlled life. They hon-
ored themselves and the Lord with their purity, and that inevitably brought blessing to them. Couples
that don’t obey God this way may suffer guilt, loss of self-respect, and injury to their lives and hearts that
may make adjusting to each other in marriage difficult.A person who cannot wait and show deep respect
for each other before marriage may not be worthy of as much trust after marriage as one who prefers
purity over gratification.
We live in a society of “free love” where being a virgin is no longer expected before marriage. Many
young people experience sex before graduating from high school, and often a boy tells a girl, “If you
love me, you’ll have sex with me.” But this is total deception. A couple having sex outside of marriage

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 Boaz and Ruth

is not expressing love for each other. They are really expressing love for themselves, because most sex
outside of a marriage commitment is simply self-gratification.

What was the result of their marriage?

The healthy relationship of Boaz and Ruth before marriage was the foundation for a healthy rela-
tionship after marriage.“So Boaz took Ruth and she became his wife; and when he went in to her, the
LORD gave her conception, and she bore a son” (Ruth 4:13).
But there is still greater significance to this story.The young woman who was outside the covenant
of God became faithful to the Lord and entered the ancestral line of the Messiah. Ruth’s son, Obed,
became the grandfather of King David, continuing the lineage through which Jesus would come. Little
did Ruth know when she made a spiritual decision for God that she would be among the most hon-
ored of all women in history. All of this because Ruth, a pagan Moabitess, risked possible destruction in
self-imposed exile from her own country to sacrificially love a Jewish mother-in-law.

What happened to the mother-in-law?

One might expect that Naomi would drop out of the picture now that Ruth was married to Boaz,
because there may have been a new mother-in-law—Boaz’s mother. But that didn’t happen.When Obed
was born to Ruth and Boaz, the women of Bethlehem said to Naomi, “Blessed be the LORD, who has
not left you this day without a close relative; and may his name be famous in Israel! And may he be to
you a restorer of life and a nourisher of your old age; for your daughter-in-law, who loves you, who is
better to you than seven sons, has borne him” (Ruth 4:14, 15).

According to Ruth 4:13, how did the Lord bless this marriage?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

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Whom God Has Joined Together

Naomi lived in the home with Ruth and Boaz and became the nursemaid to young Obed. She
took care of the young baby as if he was her own child, and Ruth and Boaz happily permitted it. Naomi
was so identified with the young baby that the women in the community said, “There is a son born to
Naomi” (Ruth 4:17).They were rejoicing with Naomi that the birthright and family name of her hus-
band had been redeemed. But they also may have been delighting in the new smile and light on Naomi’s
face. Besides all of this, they would have also seen spiritual renewal in Naomi. God’s mercy upon Naomi
undoubtedly energized her faith in and faithfulness to the Lord. Naomi determined to raise Obed to be
a godly man.

Practical Take–Aways
Obstacles can be overcome by God’s grace.
Ruth demonstrated that even though she faced obstacles, they could be overcome by unhesitating
trust in the Lord God. Even when Naomi told Ruth there was no chance of her ever marrying in the
Holy Land, Ruth made a decision to follow the Lord. Ruth did not go to the Holy Land seeking anoth-
er husband. But when she put the Lord first, God answered her needs by providing one of the best avail-
able husbands in Bethlehem.

God’s unconditional love is the basis for a happy marriage.

Because Ruth experienced God’s unconditional love, she could extend it to her future husband.
And with it, Boaz led a healthy family to a unique place in the plan and purpose of God.

Journaling
Writing down your thoughts is a discipline that makes you think clearly about a subject. Since you
are serious about developing a strong marriage, use the following questions to guide your thoughts and
writings. Remember, writing will clarify your thinking when you write out the things you plan to do.

Example:
Lord, there are so many lessons for us in understanding the lives of Ruth, Naomi,
and Boaz. Father, let us be faithful to our parents and our in-laws, and let us give of our-
selves so that they may not suffer. Remind us continually to think of others before we
think of ourselves. Father, help us to remember how to be pure in our hearts, and for-

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 Boaz and Ruth

give us if we failed to be pure before our marriage. Lord, when we are finally parents
and in-laws, please give us the grace to accept our children’s spouses, and help us to min-
ister to them and always be a good example of Your wonderful and forgiving love.

1. What were your fears before you got married? Why were they troubling? What would have
happened if your fears came true? Did they?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

2. What did you look forward to most of all before you got married? Why was that appealing
to you? Did it come to pass?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

3. What role did you have for God in your marriage before it happened? Has it come to pass?
What has God done for your marriage that you didn’t expect?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

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4. What does your mate respect most about you? Have you been surprised at the areas of your
life he or she respects?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

5. In what ways or areas do you wish your mate respected you more? How would Naomi, Ruth,
Boaz, and the wisest people you know advise you on how to cultivate more respect from your mate?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

Marriage-Strengthening Exercises
Plan a trip.
Plan a trip to your mate’s home area.Take time to see the place where your mate went to school,
church, played, etc.Try to see the things that influenced his or her life.Try to see the things that made
your mate strong in character or purpose.

Spend quality time with your spouse.

Give time to your mate to learn his or her needs and desires. How can a mate know and appreci-
ate his or her partner if these needs are understood? Only when time is taken to appreciate the other
will it happen.

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 Introduction by
Jerry and Macel Falwell
Thomas Road Baptist Church
Liberty University • Lynchburg,Virginia

W e count it a privilege to introduce the chapter of Joseph and

Mary, obviously one of the greatest Bible couples to ever live. We know that
Joseph was impeccable in his relationship to Mary, because even when he
found out she was pregnant, Joseph was committed to doing the right thing
according to the law of Israel. However, when the angel came and told him of

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the virgin birth and told him what to do, Joseph, in his integrity, obeyed in
faith.
And what can we say about Mary? The angel Gabriel called her the
“greatest among women.” Look into his words: “Rejoice, highly favored one,
the Lord is with you; blessed are you among women!” (Lk. 1:28). Then the
angel said, “Mary…you have found favor with God” (v. 30). God chose the
greatest couple on earth to be the first to receive the Lord Jesus Christ.
When we look at this chapter, we see many marvelous principles by
which a young couple today can guide their marriage. We hope that many
couples will read and work through this book together, and be guided by the
lessons drawn from the various marriages visited.
Elmer taught the lessons in this book in the Pastor’s Bible Class at Thomas
Road Baptist Church. The people of the church were amazed at the biblical
insights they learned about their marriage.As we watched the people listening
to those messages, we knew God’s touch was upon the truth of this book. Now
our prayer is that God will use these lessons to strengthen Christian homes all
over the nation.
Elmer and Ruth Towns have been members of our church for 31 years.
It’s sad to say, but some Christian couples are very faithful to God, but not to
their local church.We can say Elmer and Ruth are faithful in their attendance,
in tithing, in service, and have supported this ministry in every way possible.
We count it a privilege to be fellow ministers with them for Christ and His
kingdom through the ministry of this book.

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 LEARNING TO SHARE
UNCONDITIONAL TRUST
Matthew 1:18–25; Luke 1:26–45

A good marriage is based on a foundation of trust. A couple must trust each other, as both
put their full trust in God.That’s easy because the very nature of love demands trust. Both the man and
woman trust each other because they believe the other when they hear “I love you.” There is no rela-
tionship that needs more trust than the marriage relationship. And never was an engagement tested as
severely as the one between Joseph and Mary. After each had pledged their love to one another, Joseph
had to appear before the elders at the synagogue to announce his engagement to Mary. She was still in
her teenage years, an outstanding young girl who was smart, spiritual, and practical yet yielded to do
God’s will. Everything seemed rosy until the angel Gabriel appeared to her.

According to Luke 1:30–33, what incredible thing did the angel

say to Mary?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Just as quickly as Mary heard the announcement from the angel, she had questions:“‘How can this
be, since I do not know a man?’” (Lk. 1:34).The angel explained to her that a supernatural experience
would happen: “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Highest will overshadow
you; therefore, also, that Holy One who is to be born will be called the Son of God” (v. 35).This is what
we call the Incarnation: “God became flesh.”

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What privilege do you have because you are a child of God? Read 1 John 1:3.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What relationship do you have with the heavenly Father

and what personal assurance can you have from your heavenly Father?
Go to Romans 8:15 and John 17:11 for the answer.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Counseling Approach
What an unusual situation! Angels told Mary the immediate problem (a child would
be conceived out of wedlock) but they didn’t begin to explain all the implications on her
life this child would have.
In every way, her child would be human. That’s why He “became flesh” and “grew in
wisdom and stature.” When the angel spoke to each of them, Joseph and Mary both
believed God. There were to be no secrets, and yet, under these unique circumstances, how
could anyone possibly know how this child would affect their marriage, their lives, and
especially, their other family and community relationships?
God wanted His Son to be raised in a family committed to trusting and obeying Him
and His Law. What an awesome responsibility Joseph and Mary had! There were responsi-
bilities on both parents to support, protect, teach, and train the child.
As overwhelming as the responsibilities involved in raising any child are, it is hard to
imagine how much more sobering it was for the Holy couple to be raising the Son of God.
But God knew their hearts and entrusted the hope of the world to them.

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 Joseph and Mary

After the explanation to Mary, she had to make a decision whether to resist the will of God or
become the mother of the Son of God. Did she immediately think of Joseph? Did she wonder if giv-
ing birth to the Son of God would disrupt any of her plans to be married? What about her love for
Joseph? After all, he was her beloved.
Examining the story of the virgin birth leads us to the question of trust. Could Mary trust Joseph
to do the right thing? Would Joseph believe Mary was telling him the truth when she told him the baby
she was carrying was not his? Would they both trust God?

 MARY, THE CHOSEN ONE 

What was Mary like?

First, we know that Mary was pure; she is called “a virgin” (Lk. 1:27). Second, Mary had a sense of
God’s presence in her life that came from a daily walk of fellowship with God (v. 28). She was not a
giddy teenage girl. Mary thought deeply about
the message of the angel: “But Mary kept all
these things and pondered them in her heart” When you trust God for answers to
(2:19). It has been said, “Gratitude is the least your questions about marriage,
remembered of all virtues and is the acid test of
character.” Mary was grateful that her sins were you have laid a foundation for a good
forgiven by God:“My spirit has rejoiced in God relationship together.
my Savior” (1:47); “Behold the maidservant of
the Lord! Let it be to me according to your
word” (v. 38). Mary rejoiced that she had been chosen to fulfill what had been referred to as “the maid-
en’s hope” by generations of Hebrew women since Isaiah prophesied the birth of the Messiah. Above
this, however, it can be said that Mary was the first person to receive Christ. But after Mary encountered
the angel and submitted to become the mother of Jesus, she faced some questions.

The integrity question.

Mary had to consider what people would think of her when, obviously, her pregnancy could not
be concealed.

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What was Mary’s question? Find the answer in Luke 1:34.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

The Joseph question.

Mary loved Joseph deeply and didn’t want to hurt him, so she must have worried, “What would
Joseph think?” But beyond hurting his feelings, she had to ask,“Would Joseph attempt to divorce me or
have me punished?”

The reputation question.

There was a great stigma attached to any woman becoming pregnant outside of wedlock. What
would her family and community think of her, and what would they think of her son?

The practical question.

When Mary was told she would become the mother of Jesus, she asked, “How can this be?”

According to Luke 1:35, the angel told her all she needed to know.
What was she told?

________________________________________________________

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 Joseph and Mary

The spiritual question.

Mary had only one basic question to answer: “Will you submit to God?”The Lord was asking her
to do what would be embarrassing, questionable, and risky. Remember, there is always some risk in sub-
mission to God.

How did Joseph find out?

We do not know how Joseph found out Mary was pregnant. We don’t know if Mary told him, if
someone else told him, or if he learned from observation or circumstances. “Before they came togeth-
er, she was found with child of the Holy Spirit” (Mt. 1:18).

The Role of a New Father

❦ To protect the family.
❦ To provide for the family.
❦ To plan for the family.

What was Joseph’s response?

The only thing Joseph knew for sure was that he wasn’t responsible for Mary’s pregnancy.

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Whom God Has Joined Together

In Matthew 1:19, what was Joseph’s reaction?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Notice what Joseph did not do. He did not react emotionally. He did not verbally attack Mary. He
did not worry what people would think about him.We see trust in Joseph’s response.

Why did Joseph consider a private solution?

There are several reasons why he might have wanted to deal with this problem privately. He might
not have known about the angel and the supernatural conception. Or, if Mary had told him the whole
story, he could have doubted her explanation concerning the source of her pregnancy and possibly her
emotional health. He may have felt unworthy to raise the Son of God.Whatever the reason, we see that
Joseph was godly and gracious in his intentions toward Mary.

What was Joseph’s greatest act of trust?

When the angel told Joseph in a dream that the child was going to be the Messiah, he believed what
Mary told him, and he trusted God to work out the details,“He took to him his wife, and did not know
her till she had brought forth her firstborn Son. And he called His name JESUS” (Mt. 1:24, 25).

The Foundation of a Good Marriage

❦ To forsake all others and cleave to each other.
❦ To love for better or worse.
❦ To trust each other until parted by death.

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 Joseph and Mary

 HOW MARY TRUSTED JESUS 

It was not a matter of trust when Mary and Joseph took a long trip from Nazareth to Bethlehem.
They had to obey Caesar and return to their hometown for registration to prepare a tax roll.
Providentially, Mary gave birth to her firstborn son when they arrived in Bethlehem.The story is well-
known about how the city was crowded with many others who had also returned to register for the tax
rolls. As a result, there was no place for them to stay, so they took lodging in the stable of an inn. It was
there that the Son of God was born and then witnessed by the shepherds.

How Is Trust Displayed?

❦ Trust is sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings and being confident that they
will never be used against you.
❦ Trust is knowing you will be loved and accepted, no matter what happens.
❦ Trust is having no anxiety or jealousy when your mate talks to someone of the
opposite sex.
❦ Trust will make you willingly vulnerable at all times.
❦ Trust in one another will grow over the years.
❦ Both God and your mate can ask you the ultimate question: “Do you really trust
me?”

Mary did what was necessary.

On the eighth day, Mary followed Joseph to the temple to have Jesus circumcised (Lk. 2:21), and
on the fortieth day she returned to offer a sacrifice for her purification (Lk. 2:39).These were activities
of the law and were carried out by those Jews who were conscientiously obeying God.

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Mary’s trust is seen in her willingness

to settle in a home away from family.
Rather than returning to their home in Nazareth, the young family remained for at least a year in
Bethlehem, which was almost a hundred miles away.
It was near the end of this time that the wise men came to Bethlehem with gifts for the baby Jesus.
But then the angels warned Joseph that Herod would seek to kill Mary’s Son (Mt. 2:13). In a dream, the
angel told Joseph to take Mary and the child and flee to Egypt. Note that the angel came to Joseph
acknowledging his headship and duty. So Mary had to trust what the angel told Joseph, just as previ-
ously Joseph had to trust what the angel told Mary. She obediently went to Egypt, moving even farther
away from her family and home.
As Mary carried her child to Egypt, she was exercising perhaps the greatest trust of all.They had to
travel over two hundred miles across the desert into a foreign environment with a different language and
customs to settle down and begin a new life. Mary was completely uprooted, and there was total dark-
ness concerning their future lives.

The young family stayed there until

the Babe grew into a young child.
Again an angel came to Joseph directing the family to return home because those who tried to kill
the Messiah were dead. This would have been an easy decision for Mary, for now she was returning
home with her family.We can assume she was excited about the return home to Nazareth, but she prob-
ably also had reservations. Would their long absence be resented? Who would still be alive to receive
them and help them get settled? Would they be criticized for their decisions?
Mary had not only submitted her life to God, she had submitted her life to her husband, trusting
him to do what was best for her and the Child.

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 Joseph and Mary

What Interferes with the Growth

of Trust?
❦ Arbitrarily giving your opinion.
❦ Proclaiming your own self-will.
❦ Doing only what is best for you alone.
❦ Continually lecturing or fixing.
❦ Seldom listening.

Trust begins long before the marriage ceremony when couples pledge their will to each other.Trust
begins when they share their lives and dreams with each other, knowing that they believe in and will
support each other.Trust is nurtured when a husband and wife protect each other’s interests at all times.
Trust is implied when a young man gives a woman a ring or token of his love. And then trust is veri-
fied in a wedding ceremony when they pledge their life, love, and equity to one another.Then, through-
out life, trust is strengthened like a muscle as it is used.The more they trust one another, the more per-
fect it becomes.

Practical Take–Aways
Both the husband and the wife should always look for directions from God.
The trust that Joseph and Mary lived by in their own lives, they continued together in faith by trust-
ing God and trusting each other.

Both should always seek what is best for all.

You will demonstrate your trust in God by always seeking what is best for your family. Even in these
individualistic days, you must practice putting the family unit first.

Share private matters only with each other.

Couples who don’t share probably don’t trust. But look at the opposite; when you can share any-
thing and everything with your mate, it demonstrates confidence in him or her.Additionally, a mate who
fails to keep a confidence probably doesn’t respect. But when private matters are kept secure, trust grows
because personal interests are protected.

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Consult the Lord for family decisions.

When you both put God first, it’s easy to establish family oneness around the Word of God, prayer,
and seeking His will.

Spend time in prayer seeking direction for the family.

Just because you trust your spouse doesn’t mean you don’t need to trust God as much to guide you
and protect you. Both of you must trust God together even more for His guidance.

Search the Word for principles to guide the family.

You must search the Bible together and separately. This must be a continuing practice, not just in
times of need or when problems arise.

Wait for the subtle assurance of God’s plan.

God can give both of you an inner assurance of His leading. He can give this separately or togeth-
er, but both will have peace in it.Wait for it!

Wait on God.
When both of you have a sincere and patient desire to do God’s will for the family, God will pro-
tect you from making grievous mistakes that will harm your family.

Journaling
Writing down your thoughts is a discipline that makes you think clearly about a subject. Since you
are serious about developing a strong marriage, use the following questions to guide your thoughts and
writings. Remember, writing will clarify your thinking when you write out the things you plan to do.

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 Joseph and Mary

Example:
Father, we know how Mary must have trusted You. Even when she suffered the
loss of her Son, she must have known that He died for the sins of the world. Lord, we
ask that You plant that same trust in our hearts. Please give us the strength and wis-
dom to trust and follow each other as Mary and Joseph did, through difficult times,
as well as good. With You as our Shepherd, we know that our marriage can survive
pain, relocation, deaths in our family, financial hardships, and whatever else may come.
Thank you, Father, for creating us in your image and giving us the ability to trust,
come what may.

1. Describe your feeling of trust as you approach God. Is it like coming to a father? Did you have
a father you could trust?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

2. How does today’s lesson give you a new meaning of “Father” in Heaven?
His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

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3. How does the term “Father” help you understand God? How will you trust Him more? How
will you feel about Him?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

Marriage-Strengthening Exercises
Make and discuss a Family Trust list.
Both of you do a study on “family trust.” List all the ways a wife must trust her husband. List all the
ways a husband must trust his wife.Then examine yourself. How well are you doing in these areas? Now
it’s time to share your results with your mate. Let each of you discuss strengths and weaknesses.You may
find that what you think is a weakness isn’t perceived that way by your mate.This is a good talking point.

Make and discuss a Child Trust list.

Each of you do a study on “child trust.” List all the ways a child must trust its parents. List all the
ways a parent must trust a child. Then examine your ability to trust your children. Now, husband and
wife compare your lists. Can you help each other with the trust factor?
Your children will trust their parents at the approximate rate that your parents trusted you. Why?
Because our children pick up more of their attitudes from our actions, not just from our words.
While this book is about Bible couples, this is a good place to apply it to the children of the family.

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 Introduction by
Dr. D. James and Anne Kennedy
Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church • Fort Lauderdale, Florida

I f we were to search the Scriptures for a better example of role mod-

els for our marriage, we couldn’t come up with a more ideal pair than

Zechariah and Elizabeth. Both were along in years, as we are. Both were deeply

involved for most of their lives in the Lord’s work, as we have been. And both

are pictured in Luke as finishing faithfully the course upon which they had

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launched in their youth together—which is precisely what we have endeav-

ored to do since we were young.

We would like to tell every young married couple in the world about the

importance of beginning well if you hope to finish well. God told us in the

earliest days of our career together,“I will do better for you than at your begin-

nings, and you shall know that I am the Lord.” We know that to be true in

every way—in our marriage, in the growth of our church from 48 members

to more than 10,000, in the expansion of our Evangelism Explosion

International program which now encircles the globe, in our accredited prep

school and seminary, in our radio and television outreach which blankets

America, and in a thousand other ways which we cannot begin to list here.

Regardless of what might appear to be “small beginnings,” despite every

obstacle, every disappointment, every enemy that may be encountered through

the passing years, young couples in this day especially need to know that if they

will trust God as Zechariah and Elizabeth did, and if they will commit them-

selves without reservation to become one in Christ Jesus, they will find their

“finishing years” to be filled with blessings beyond measure.

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 LEARNING TO REFLECT COMPANIONSHIP
Luke 1:5–25, 57–80

T he story of Zechariah and Elizabeth takes place in the sunset years of their life, and like many
elderly couples, they had learned contentment and companionship. They enjoyed each other, they
looked at life through the same perspective, and they were happy in the service of God.
What happens when people turn fifty? The authors were both asked that question when they
turned fifty in 1982.Without realizing it, something switches in your heart from on to off.We no longer
found ourselves trying to impress people by making a statement with our life. People had to take us as
we were.We no longer found ourselves striving to prove ourselves or be more than we were.The most
appropriate word to describe our life when we turned fifty was comfortable. We were comfortable with
who we were and what God was doing in our lives. Life is like climbing a mountain. Life after fifty is a
more comfortable ride.You’re comfortable with yourself, your setting, your home, your job, and you’re
even comfortable with the things you’ve learned and the attitudes you’ve acquired.

According to 1 Chronicles 29:11, what should be the concluding prayer

of our life? And for what should we pray?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

We have all known couples that have been married for a long time and seem to know each other
so well that arguments are few.They have learned over the years how to react to each other, how to plant
seeds for thought, and what issues are important to stand firm upon.Their dreams and goals have meshed
together in a workable pattern, becoming satisfying and, again, comfortable.
Zechariah and Elizabeth had become comfortable with one another.They served the Lord togeth-
er as a team. Zechariah faithfully served in the temple while Elizabeth was faithful at home.They per-
sonified the spirit of marriage the Lord intended in the garden when He brought Adam and Eve togeth-

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er:“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become
one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). Zechariah and Elizabeth were one.
While we mustn’t glean too much from what the Bible is silent about, there is no occasion record-
ed that told of them disagreeing or fussing. Conversely, their visible faith in the Lord and personal com-
munion with Him no doubt cultivated generous, loving hearts for each other and much warmth.
Companionship in marriage leads to calmness in one’s lifestyle.

Counseling Approach
If you knew ahead of time that you would live happily ever after, you would probably
not work on your marriage to make it better, nor would you learn from your mistakes.
After all, “happily ever after” is a goal of all marriages. But you never know ahead of time
what will happen; so do everything you can to make your marriage the best it can be.
There’s a better goal than striving to one day be happy. The best goal is finding com-
panionship each day. Companionship does take time.
Becoming so aware of the other person in thought, goals, likes, and dislikes takes time.
Dreams and goals must be worked out together. A life of intimate companionship is satis-
fying and will bring great comfort to your lives.
Contentment is indeed good—on the other hand, if one settles back, content to rest
on the past, it’s hard to be ready for God’s blessings and God’s surprises. He doesn’t always
fulfill dreams and visions immediately in our lives. Sometimes miracles are finally given
birth after many years of faithfulness following their conception.

 A THREAT TO CONTENTMENT 
Even though it appeared that the marriage of Zechariah and Elizabeth was calm, there was one
small dark cloud over them.

According to Luke 1:7, what was the problem?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

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 Zechariah and Elizabeth

Characteristics of a Long Marriage

❦ Companionship: They prefer one another to all others.
❦ Calmness: They don’t lose control of emotions.
❦ Contentment: They accept and trust God’s will.
❦ Commitment: Their hearts are united, even when their minds aren’t.

In those days, being childless was very undesirable and often met with the stigma of doubt about a
marriage’s favor with God. It was central in importance to a covenant-keeping family. This is because
children were an inheritance of the Lord. It may have even cast doubt within the priesthood about
Zechariah and his fitness for ministry in the temple. After all, a man had to rule his family well to be a
priest, and Zechariah only had a marriage, not a family.

How did they handle the problem?

Even though Zechariah and Elizabeth had no children, they seemed to patiently accept it.There is
no record that Zechariah ever blamed his wife. As a matter of fact, he kept on serving God as though
the problem did not exist.We, too, can keep on serving God confidently despite problems, not letting them stop
us. There will never be a perfect time to serve God in our imperfect world. And if you wait until all
problems go away before you serve God, you’ll never serve Him.
Zechariah showed himself not only fit but also highly desirable for service in the temple. He did-
n’t quit on his marriage.There is indication in rabbinical literature that some priests divorced their wives
to marry younger women who could bear children. But that didn’t happen here.

What should a couple do when problems come?

While there is no perfect answer, there are general principles that can help lead a couple through
troubled water.

1.They should pray together that God would give them wisdom.
2.They should search the Word for principles on how to solve or live peacefully with the problem.

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3.They should continually encourage one another in the faith and in their love for one another.
4.They should recommit to be steadfast in the ministry the Lord has given them, and in the life they
have together.
5.They should wait patiently for God’s answer and direction in the matter.
6.They should always be a witness of God’s goodness and strength when and however He answers.

According to Matthew 6:33, what should our attitude be

toward God and toward this life?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

 ONE LIFE-CHANGING DAY 

Most couples can look back on their lives to find one day that was like a fork in the road. Some
have had more than one decisive day that changed their destiny. Some couples have had an incredible
day of blessing, other couples have had their lives shattered in one day.There can be promotions, layoffs,
a discovery of cancer, or a financial windfall. One day can bring to fruition a move to a new city, a birth,
or an incredible achievement.

When we are not sure of the future, what should be our attitude?
Go to Romans 4:18 for the answer.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

In one life-changing day the entire ministry of Zechariah and Elizabeth was sealed into historical
and cosmic significance forever.

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 Zechariah and Elizabeth

What was special about that day?

Zechariah was given the rare honor to burn incense and offer prayers for one week in the holy
room of the temple. Jewish antiquities reveal that no priest was chosen for this honor twice in his life,
and because of their numbers, most were never so honored.

What should be our response when God gives us a task?

Look in Hebrews 11:6 for the answer.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________
God chose the just and faithful Zechariah for this service and for this particular time when He
would echo the former promise He made to Abraham in his old age. It was during this service in the
Holy Place that the archangel Gabriel was sent to herald the answer to Zechariah’s prayers. Elizabeth
would bare him a son who, among the sons of men, there would be no equal.

Why did God promise Zechariah a son?

Even after he was too old to have children, it appears that Zechariah kept asking for a son.The angel
reminded Zechariah,“Your prayer is heard; and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son” (Lk. 1:13).The
original language suggested that they had been praying constantly and continually for a son.What father
doesn’t want a son to carry on his name and the family line? What father in ministry doesn’t want a son
to serve the Lord and carry on his ministry?

Why did God strike Zechariah dumb?

This seems like a cruel response on the surface. God gave him the best news he could ever con-
ceive and then took away his ability to laugh, cry, or shout for joy. Not only could Zechariah not
respond, he couldn’t even whisper the good news in his wife’s ear, nor could he share it with a friend
over a meal.

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According to Luke 1:20, why was Zechariah’s power of speech taken from him?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Life-Changing Windows of Opportunity

❦ First-time window of opportunity.
❦ Once-in-a-lifetime window of opportunity.
❦ Last-time window of opportunity.

What did Zechariah learn from this experience?

Every time God works in our life, we should learn a lesson. In this experience, Zechariah learned
firsthand about God’s great power—God can do anything. Second, Zechariah learned greater humility.
Even though he had faithfully prayed for a son over the years, when the miracle finally came, he recog-
nized that it was not out of his worthiness that he was receiving it. In the third place, his faith was
strengthened. When the son was finally born, Zechariah obeyed God explicitly. The neighbors pressed
for the new baby boy to be named after him—an honor to any father—but Zechariah obeyed God and
called the baby John.

What is usually behind complaints in marriage?

Just as Zechariah expressed his doubt in a complaint, today many couples express their unbelief with
complaints. Some might say, “My spouse will never change.” Others complain that they will never get
out of debt. People grumble that things will never get better. We need to remember the simple truth
that the angel said about the conception of Elizabeth: “For with God nothing will be impossible” (Lk.
1:37). Look beyond natural circumstances to the power of God, who can do anything.The same is true

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 Zechariah and Elizabeth

with financial problems or any other circumstances that appear unalterable to the flesh. God can do any-
thing He desires. Just remember that true faith pleases God and factors greatly in answered prayers.

 ELIZABETH UNDERSTANDS 

The angel who appeared to Zechariah also told Mary that she would conceive the Son of God in
her womb.The angel then encouraged Mary with the news that her relative, Elizabeth, had conceived a
son. It was only natural that Mary would travel from her home in Nazareth to stay for a while with
Elizabeth. Maybe young Mary didn’t want her pregnancy revealed, or maybe she wanted to learn from
Elizabeth.

When Mary first greeted Elizabeth, Elizabeth clutched her stomach

and said an amazing thing. According to Luke 1:44, what did she say to
Mary?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Why Zechariah Doubted

❦ Incredible: Too good to be true.
❦ Pain: Too hard on his wife.
❦ Unbelief: Too difficult to accept since the day
of miracles had passed.

Then Elizabeth made her great pronouncement:“Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the
fruit of your womb! But why is this granted to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?”
(Lk. 1:42, 43). Notice the spiritual perception of Elizabeth in that statement. Elizabeth’s years of faith
were brought into focus. Elizabeth understood who Mary’s child was and rejoiced that young Mary was
counted worthy of the ultimate honor.Young Mary had the privilege all Jewish women dreamed of—

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to be the mother of God’s promised Deliverer.There was no jealousy on the part of the older woman;
she rejoiced with the younger Mary.

 THE CONCLUSION OF CONTENTMENT 

Eight days after a Jewish boy is born, he is circumcised. It is at this time that the name of the child
is confirmed. Many times this becomes a big family event; usually a feast is provided for the family to
celebrate the birth of a boy.

Why did the neighbors want to name

Zechariah’s child after him?
They had probably not been told about the experience with the angel since Zechariah couldn’t
talk. They hadn’t been told that God had pre-named the child John. They knew the conception was
highly unusual, for they had only heard in legends of people this old having babies. It would have been
customary to call the boy Zechariah after his father since the child was born into the tribe of Levi and
would probably go into the temple ministry.The neighbors were only trying to honor the boy’s father
and preserve tradition.

Why did Elizabeth resist?

When the neighbors wanted to call the boy Zechariah, Elizabeth said no, that his name was John.
Even though Elizabeth’s firm response was full of the Holy Spirit, she would not likely have spoken it
without confirmation from her husband.Though Zechariah couldn’t speak, somehow the parents were
in agreement beforehand. But for the circumcision to proceed, Zechariah would have to write out
instructions to call the boy John.

Another miracle for Zechariah!

In an act of faith and obedience, the elderly father wrote,“His name is John” (Lk. 1:63). Immediately
God opened his mouth so he could speak, and everyone marveled and wondered what this could mean

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concerning the child. Zechariah obeyed God, the miracle occurred, and the promise was fulfilled. The
Holy Spirit filled Zechariah’s heart to speak. The rejoicing words of the Father’s work of salvation for
His people are now called the Benedictus. Zechariah’s lengthy praises suggest that the Lord had been
schooling his heart and mind all during his silence.

What was the size of this miracle?

For years Zechariah and Elizabeth longed for a son. Now God exceeded abundantly above their
desire. Zechariah had asked for a son to follow him in ministry, but God lifted the answer to a higher
level.

According to Luke 7:28, what did Jesus say regarding John the Baptist?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Zechariah’s son would be the greatest man ever born. His son would announce to the world the
coming Messiah.

Practical Take–Aways
Being comfortable in an uncomfortable world.
Most people don’t like change, displacement, transition, and especially the anxiety that comes with
a dangerous, unexpected threat. However, the Christian is exhorted to be confident in God at all times
and in all circumstances because God is good above all, and He has a perfect plan for us to fulfill. The
daily objective for God’s people is to abide in Christ (Jn. 14:20) and the “peace of God, which surpass-
es all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:7).

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Accept the unexpected as a call to faith.

One day, everything changed for Zechariah and Elizabeth. Their dream would be fulfilled. But
because of their advanced age, it was totally unexpected.When God drops the unexpected in your lap,
just accept it like Zechariah and Elizabeth.Your greatest work for God can come when you least expect
it.Your greatest work of faith may be just around the corner.

Embrace the future.

You never get too old to have a future because it is in future challenges where God delights to reveal
Himself. It won’t usually be about the past. People retire when they have nothing to do.And young peo-
ple might as well retire if they have no higher purpose in life. Zechariah thought he was finishing his
life’s work, but he didn’t know his greatest task for God lay in the future raising of his son to be a great
prophet. He had to prepare his son to become John the Baptist and prepare the way for Jesus Christ.

Standing on our shoulders to reach higher.

Don’t teach your children to just follow in your footsteps. Teach your children to stand on your
shoulders and reach higher than you reached. Encourage a desire in them to reach for the stars.
Zechariah was greatly used of God as a priest.The Bible describes him as “righteous before God, walk-
ing in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless” (Lk. 1:6).That’s better than good;
that’s great! It would be very hard for anyone to live a more righteous life than Zechariah. But his son
John was even better. That means John the Baptist was greater than Abraham, Moses, David, and the
prophets. Zechariah had his greatest calling after he was old enough to retire.

Journaling
Writing down your thoughts is a discipline that makes you think clearly about a subject. Since you
are serious about developing a strong marriage, use the following questions to guide your thoughts and
writings. Remember, writing will clarify your thinking when you write out the things you plan to do.

Example:
Lord, we’ve been talking about becoming comfortable in our companionship.
We’d like to find that intimacy with You. It takes quiet listening time on our part,
doesn’t it? We want to live so closely to You that we’ll hear Your voice above all oth-
ers. Please show us that age still bears fruit. We want our efforts as a couple to bear
much fruit.

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 Zechariah and Elizabeth

1. What are the lessons you’ve learned about contentment while studying this chapter? What does
comfortable feel like?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

2. At what times during your life have you felt most comfortable? Why?
His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

3. Are you one who is always planning for the future but never living in the present? What will
it take to get you comfortable? How will you know when to turn your attention from the future
to the present?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

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4. Zechariah and Elizabeth had to plan for another life after finishing their “first” life. How
would you have felt? What would you do?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

Marriage-Strengthening Exercises
Keep dating.
All through your marriage! Never get over the good times you have together. Enjoy that comfort-
able experience. Sometimes your social comfortableness can lead to spiritual comfortableness. If you are
comfortable with the Lord, it’ll show in life.Your mate will see it, and eventually you’ll influence them.
So keep seeking those times when you’re comfortable with each other.

Make a greater effort on special occasions.

Don’t take your mate for granted.You’ll keep him or her happy the way you originally made him
or her happy. Keep sending the cards, flowers, and don’t forget gifts—Christmas gifts, anniversary gifts,
Valentine’s Day, special remembrances. When the desire for physical sex declines, don’t forget the need
for inner reassurance is greater. Use every occasion to tell your special soul mate that he or she is spe-
cial.

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 Introduction by
Neil T. and Joanne Anderson
Freedom In Christ • Carefree, Arizona

E lmer and Ruth are our friends, and Neil had the privilege to

co–author Rivers of Revival with Elmer. We’ve had lunch together numerous

times and love to share with one another what God is doing in our lives. So

we count it a privilege to write this introduction for our dear friends.

People all over the world are living in bondage to the lies they believe. Jesus

said the truth will set us free, but the father of lies has infiltrated our ranks and

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has effectively deceived the whole world (Rev. 12:9). Consequently, the whole

world lies in the power of the evil one (1 Jn. 5:19).The Lord knew what the pri-

mary battle was, so He had to send a powerful message to the early church. His

judgment seems rather severe for the crime, but it was necessary if the Church

was going to survive.

Why did Satan fill the hearts of Ananias and Sapphira to lie? Elmer cor-

rectly points out that their hearts weren’t right with God.As a couple, they had

agreed together to lie and it cost them their lives. Consequences of lying to

one another in marriage may not bear the immediate consequences that

Ananias and Sapphira suffered, but they will come. Marriages are being torn

apart because one or both will not walk in the light and speak the truth with

one another. Intimacy and oneness in marriage are based on trust. If we can’t

believe one another, we can’t trust one another. If caught in a lie, we can

choose to forgive one another, but once trust is lost, it is hard to be regained.

Paul said,“Therefore, putting away lying,‘Let each one of you speak truth

with his neighbor,’ for we are members of one another. ‘Be angry, and do not

sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil”

(Eph. 4:25, 26). Such verbal and emotional honesty is what keeps marriages

together and the enemy at bay. May the good Lord enable you to put Paul’s

words into practice in your marriage.

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 LEARNING TO BE HONEST
WITH GOD AND EACH OTHER
Acts 5:1–11

A nanias and Sapphira lived in what many believe was the greatest church of all time, and
they lived in this church when it was experiencing its greatest victories. Never again would there be the
unity in a local congregation that was evident in the early Jerusalem church: “They were all with one
accord in one place” (Acts 2:1), and they shared and “had all things in common” (v. 44).The church had
its greatest power in preaching. Three thousand people had been saved on the day of pentecost, and a
little while later, five thousand were added to the Church (4:4). Many of those in the church had seen
the physical Jesus, and now they were living in the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit. What a great
day to live and what a great city in which to minister! You couldn’t find a better place or church to raise
your family. Ananias and Sapphira, who were members of this church, had everything but threw it all
away.
In today’s legal environment, if a wife plans a crime with her husband but doesn’t carry it out, she
is a “co-conspirator.” Some may think she is only guilty of cover-up, but according to the law, she is just
as guilty of the actual crime as he.Those who drive the getaway car from a robbery are just as guilty as

Counseling Approach
Be careful . . . in the midst of a great moving of God, Satan unleashes all of his hatred
and vengeance against God by severely attacking God’s most faithful servants. Ananias and
Sapphira had everything going for them—reputation and great names to live up to. But
their riches did them in because they weren’t wise. They could have caused the whole
church to suffer . . .they were role models, but they failed.
Be careful . . . Satan is powerful and can cause you to conspire together to sin. What
does God say about the wages of sin?

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those who point the gun and steal the money. In this story,Ananias and Sapphira are both equally guilty
of a sin against God.

What did Ananias and Sapphira have going for them?

They not only lived in a great church environment, each of them had the forgiveness of sins that
comes from knowing Jesus Christ as Savior. Probably because of their nearness in time to the crucifix-
ion of Jesus, they may have actually heard Him preach.
But they had something else going for them: their parents raised them under the influence of
Jehovah. She was given the name Sapphira, which means “beautiful and pleasant;”Ananias was given the
name that means “Jehovah is gracious.” Their parents had given them special names to indicate their
commitment to the Lord.
Ananias and Sapphira not only lived in a spiritually prosperous church, they were financially pros-
perous as well.The Bible indicated that they had a possession at least worth enough to get the attention
of the church. When they brought the money they reportedly got from selling it, most people knew
about it.
And beyond all this, the couple was accepted by the Jerusalem church so that they had access into
its daily operations.They could come and go among church leaders—something not all members could
do. They were recognized by church leaders so they could bring their gift to God, expecting it to be
accepted as other gifts were recognized.

What brought their problems to the surface?

There was a man in the church who owned property in Cypress. His name was Joseph, but the apos-
tles called him Barnabas, which means “the son of exhortation.”Apparently, Barnabas wasn’t just a believ-
er, he was a gifted speaker who motivated people to God. Barnabas owned a plot of ground on Cypress,
which was his home.“Having land, [he] sold it, and brought the money and laid it at the apostles’ feet”
(Acts 4:37), Barnabas didn’t have to give the money to God but apparently was moved to do this. Perhaps
his family lineage tells the story. He was a Levite and priest who came from the Levitical family. Levites
were not to own property according to the Old Testament Law (Deut. 18:1). Somehow Barnabas had
gotten away from the Lord’s requirement, and he ended up owning property. When he became saved,
he immediately gave his life to the Lord and began preaching to others. When God convicted him of
his breaking the Old Testament Law, he did something he no longer had to do—he sold all his ground

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and gave it to the Lord. Since he no longer was going to be a priest and was no longer under the Old
Testament Law, many think he didn’t need to make the sacrifice he did. But he sold it and gave it all to
God. Notice that Barnabas didn’t give his money away to become a leader, but he was a leader who gave
his money away. Ananias and Sapphira did the opposite. Apparently they gave away their money in the
hopes of getting recognition and a place of leadership in the church.

What does God want from you before you give Him your money?
Read 2 Corinthians 8:5 for the answer.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What were the inward problems of Ananias and Sapphira?

They were guilty of deception. They were seeking the same recognition that Barnabas got.
Apparently, they were envious of his leadership position, so they thought they could purchase spiritual
advancement with a gift to the church.

According to Acts 5:1, 2, what did they do?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

They were smart enough not to directly tie their money to a request for a position. They just
implied what they wanted with their timing and the amount.They wanted praise.

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What does 2 Corinthians 9:7 say our attitudes should be about giving?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

The “praise” problem of Ananias and Sapphira was evidence of another problem: They put their
confidence in their finances. They probably had this problem before they became members of the
church. They worked hard for their money because it meant much to them. Because money was their
security, they thought by giving what was precious to them they could get something precious in return.
But believers shouldn’t put their confidence in money, nor use it to get the things they want. Biblical
stewardship means properly using your time, talent, and treasures for the glory of God.

According to Luke 16:11, why is the proper handling of money

important to God?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What were their outward problems?

Ananias and Sapphira agreed together to deceive the church.They kept back part of the money and
brought the rest to the church to get the same recognition that Barnabas got.They may have even given
the same amount of money as Barnabas. But however much they gave, they suggested that their gift was
the entire amount that they received from their possession.

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 Ananias and Sapphira

What does Matthew 25:26 say about people who mishandle their money?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

It’s sad that Ananias and Sapphira collaborated to lie. The Bible says “his wife, also being aware of
it.”This was a cold-calculated plan to deceive everyone in the church. Did they think they could deceive
God? He who knows all things would not let this transgression slip by without judgment.

How did Peter know they were deceiving the church?

The Bible doesn’t tell us exactly how Peter
found out that Ananias and Sapphira lied.There
were several ways he could have found out. The couple didn’t say they were giv-
Perhaps someone in the church knew about the ing it all to God,
sale and the amount of money they received, and
they told Peter. Humanly speaking, it’s hard to
but they let everyone think they did.
hide sin. Divinely speaking, it’s impossible.
Or perhaps no one told Peter.The Spirit of
God could have spoken to him, supernaturally. Or the Spirit of God could have given Peter an inward
communication.

In John 16:13, what did Jesus promise?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

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So Peter may have just known that Ananias was lying. Maybe when Ananias made a big show of
giving his money, the Spirit of God whispered in Peter’s ear. We’ll never know how Peter learned, but
we do know that he understood what was happening.

How did Peter sort through a complicated problem?

This was a problem that could have passed unnoticed. However, because Peter found out, he had to
sort through the sordid affair. First, Ananias and Sapphira didn’t have to sell their property (Acts 5:4). It
was theirs and God honors the ownership of property. Second, they didn’t have to give all their money
to the church (v. 4). God had required a tithe (10 percent) in the Old Testament, and they could have
given that or more if they wished.

Why should we give tithes or money gifts to God?

See Malachi 3:10 and Proverbs 3:9, 10 for the answer.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Third, they were obliged to tell the truth. One of the Ten Commandments instructs us not to lie,
but Ananias and Sapphira ignored God’s command. They were obliged to tell the truth because they
were giving to the Lord Jesus who said,“I am the Truth” (John 14:6). In the fourth place, they had agreed
to lie. Peter knew because he said, “You have not lied to men but to God” (Acts 5:4). He didn’t accuse
them of being selfish in keeping part of the money, nor did he commend then for giving as much as
they did. He accused them of greed because they had agreed to lie.They wanted recognition, and they
got it—but not the kind they wanted.

Why did God judge them instantaneously?

God doesn’t seem to judge sin instantaneously today. If He did, there would be a lot of funerals in
our churches. But for this sin, God immediately struck a couple dead.Why?

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 Ananias and Sapphira

If they had gotten away with their deception, they would have corrupted the church’s foundation.
This happened during the beginning days of the church, and God wants His church to be holy. The
Jerusalem church was going to be an example for all other churches. If the Jerusalem church got away
with lying, all other churches would have been hurt. The positive influence would have been diluted,
and God’s work in history might not have been as effective as it’s been.
Second, God demonstrated how He feels about hypocrisy.The sin of pride is one of the most griev-
ous sins to God, so much so that he struck a couple dead who lied to Him.“These six things the LORD
hates, yes, seven are an abomination to Him: a proud look, a lying tongue” (Prov. 6:16, 17). Notice that
Ananias and Sapphira were guilty of the first two things on this continuing list.
There is a third reason why God struck them dead.Their deceit could have destroyed the soul-win-
ning thrust of the church, but after God purged the church, soul-winning continued more effectively.
After their death became known,“believers were increasingly added to the Lord, multitudes” (Acts 5:14).
Evangelism became more effective after they were judged.
But there’s a fourth reason as well. Their death brought about respect among the unsaved for the
work of God.When Ananias and Sapphira were killed, it didn’t hurt the church of God but rather helped
it. Instead of laughing at the church, people came to the church to be saved:“The people esteemed them
highly…so that they brought the sick” (Acts 5:13, 15).

Why did they bury Ananias immediately?

Instantly, young men bound the body of Ananias in cloth, took him out, and buried him.Why? First
of all, the Jews did not embalm a body because they were prohibited from touching blood.Also, because
of the stench, the Jews buried immediately; and to this day, many Jews bury within twenty four hours
of death.
But there may be a second reason why he was buried immediately.The body was considered unclean.
Because Ananias was judged by God, he was unclean, and all who touched him would be unclean. In
Joshua 7,Achan had sinned against God and brought reproach to Israel. He was stoned, and buried imme-
diately by the stones that were used as instruments of execution.

Why did Peter carefully question Sapphira?

After Ananias was judged and buried, Sapphira came into the church about three hours later.When
she entered the church, Peter did not accuse her of being in collusion, nor did he accuse her of being a

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co-conspirator. But rather, he asked her some careful questions: “Tell me whether you sold the land for
so much?” (Acts 5:8).When she answered the same as her husband, Peter then made an accusation with
a question, “How is it that you have agreed together to test the Spirit of the Lord?” (v. 9).

How did God deal with the couple’s deception?

Ananias and Sapphira had agreed together to deceive the church and the Lord. As a result, Sapphira
also suffered.“Then immediately she fell down at his feet and breathed her last” (Acts 5:10). Notice the
word immediately.This suggests how we should deal with any sin in our life today.We should deal with
our sin immediately because that’s what God does.
Ananias and Sapphira probably wanted to bless the church by giving it some money. But God isn’t
glorified when we do something for Him with the wrong motive. God is not glorified when we do the
right thing in the wrong way. God is glorified when we judge sin in our life. Therefore, Ananias and
Sapphira brought a backhanded blessing to the church, not by the money they gave but by the judg-
ment they suffered—“So great fear came upon all the church and upon all who heard these things” (Acts
5:11).

How did Ananias and Sapphira relate to each other?

First, they worked together, which could be admirable because a couple should be one in all things.
But they worked together for an evil purpose.The Bible says of a couple,“They shall become one flesh”
(Gen. 2:24), and Ananias and Sapphira probably worked well together to earn the money, but they also
worked together for evil. Peter noted that they, “Agreed together to test the Spirit of the Lord” (Acts
5:8).

What kind of relationship did they have with each other?

They seemed to work as one, but to them, outward appearances were more important than inward
character.They wanted to make a good impression on the church.They wanted the praise of men.
They apparently did a good job hiding their desires of the flesh. Their lust for money made them
sin, but apparently up until their judgment, no one in the church knew of their problem.

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 Ananias and Sapphira

How could Ananias and Sapphira excuse their dishonesty? In relationship to each other, they appar-
ently did not condemn one another nor correct one another.They overlooked one another’s dishonesty.
The story might have ended differently if they had been honest with God to correct one another. But
their dishonesty with the church reflected their corrupt inner character.
When a couple doesn’t truthfully relate to
life, how do they keep tabs on each other? They God reveals the sin we try to hide.
know the other lies.When a couple catches one
another lying and they don’t deal with it honest-
God covers the sin from which we
ly, what will eventually happen to them? First, confess and repent.
each one will want to be the boss; they haven’t
learned the biblical exhortation, “Submitting yourselves one to another in the Lord.” Second, both will
want to get everything out of the marriage, and neither will want to give to the other. In the third place,
they will keep track on how much the other has. Since possessions were important to Ananias and
Sapphira, they probably kept track of the money each other had and what they each spent.
When a couple keeps track of one another’s money, they probably are pointing out one another’s
faults.When a couple constantly tells one another their weaknesses, criticism becomes the glue that holds
their marriage relationship together. And the glue of criticism isn’t very adhesive. Rather than trying to
get better, the couple will find themselves trying to get even. However, true love wants the other per-
son to always look good.When a couple builds up one another, they aren’t looking for things to criti-
cize, they’re looking for things to praise.

Practical Take–Aways
The deception of hypocrisy.
We can be self-blinded when we make a deliberate and calculated effort to deceive others. Why?
Because “the god of this age has blinded” (2 Cor. 4:3).What we think is all right in our sight may be a
terrible sin in God’s sight.

We should all recognize our inner potential to sin.

“For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me,
but how to perform what is good I do not find” (Rom. 7:18). Satan is a liar. He will lie to you about
what’s right and he will lie to you about what’s wrong.Your only basis for a correct understanding of
truth is the Word of God.

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If we are honest with God in all things, we can’t be anything but honest with each
other.
Because we are honest with God and with each other, we will be honest with the church and the
world. Couples should talk about what is going on inside of them, so that their outward actions are con-
sistent with their inner feelings.Talking has always been a path to a stable marriage.

Money can destroy a marriage.

Friends don’t keep score against What do most couples usually fight about?
friends. Money! Remember, money is just a symbol of
your life’s worth. Since you give the best of your
life to earn money, you should realize that the
way you treat your money is a reflection of the way you treat life. If you lust over money and prize it
more than anything else—even your marriage—then your life is all about money and the things it can
buy.

How you use your money will determine how you bond your marriage together.
Because money is important, the correct use of money reflects the correct use of your life and the
proper way to invest it in your marriage. In the final analysis, the correct use of money is one of the best
indications of a solid marriage.

Journaling
Writing down your thoughts is a discipline that makes you think clearly about a subject. Since you
are serious about developing a strong marriage, use the following questions to guide your thoughts and
writings. Remember, writing will clarify your thinking when you write out the things you plan to do.

Example:
Lord, help us to not judge too hastily. Sometimes when getting the tithe check
ready, we’ve thought selfishly of what we could do with that money. But we remem-
ber this account of Ananias and Sapphira and also the verses in Malachi about robbing
God—“Will a man rob God? Yet you have robbed Me! But you say,‘In what way have
we robbed You?’ In tithes and offerings” (Mal. 3:8).Why is it, Lord, that even though
we know “God loves a cheerful giver,” we seem to have such a hard time tithing?

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 Ananias and Sapphira

Sometimes we think we would rather give to a worthy cause than to tithe to You.
Help us to give Your money back to You—willingly and cheerfully!

1. List some of the greatest things you’ve done for God with your money. How did you feel? Why?
His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

2. What great thing would you like to buy or build for God or His cause? A Bible college build-
ing? Distributing Sunday school literature to another culture? Paying for translating the Bible
into the last remaining languages to hear about Jesus?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

3. Describe your feelings about how people give money in your church. Why do you feel that
way?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

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Marriage-Strengthening Exercises
Make out a family budget.
Put the tithe first because the Lord said,“Honor the LORD with your possessions, and with the first-
fruits of all your increase; so your barns will be filled with plenty, and your vats will overflow with new
wine” (Prov. 3:9, 10).

Money–Spending Priorities
1. Tithes and offerings
2. Housing and utilities
3. Food
4. Clothing
5. Transportation
6. Insurance
7. Education and improvement
8. Retirement
9. Recreation
10. Entertainment

Visit a financial planner/counselor.

Some are paid, while others will help on a volunteer basis. Have them analyze your budget and
spending habits.You don’t have to do all they suggest, but hear from them. Make sure to communicate
to the financial planner your spiritual priorities. It’s good to articulate your financial dream to someone
outside the family.

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 Introduction by
David and Cathy Earley
New Life Church • Gahanna, Ohio

S ome people accomplish their greatest work for God in the second
half of life. We are delighted to introduce this chapter because we feel our
greatest ministry is in front of us—like Abraham and Sarah—even though we
have already served the Lord twenty-one years in both church and communi-
ty ministries.
Abraham and Sarah were middle-aged when they left Ur of the Chaldees

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and headed for the Promised Land. God taught them many lessons as they
lived in tents in various locations. God’s promise was that Abraham and Sarah
would have a son, and through that son the Messiah, Jesus Christ, would bless
the entire world.
Abraham and Sarah followed their human instincts on several occasions,
attempting to thwart the will of God. But their experience in the Promised
Land is the experience of many people in life today. People attempt to thwart
the will of God by doing foolish things.
But faith made the difference. Despite his age, Abraham,“not being weak
in faith…did not consider his own body, already dead (since he was about a
hundred years old), and the deadness of Sarah’s womb. He did not waver at the
promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory
to God, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also
able to perform” (Rom. 4:19–21).
And what was Abraham and Sarah’s greatest achievement? Both the birth
and the raising of Isaac to be a godly young man who would carry on the
promised seed through whom the Messiah would come. We hope that our
greatest personal achievement will be the raising of three boys to be godly
young men.
Therefore, let all of you who are in the second half of life take comfort as
you study this chapter. God can still use you—not to have children—but to
have spiritual children, to do your greatest work for God, to accomplish more
in the twilight of your life than you did in the beginning of your life. That’s
faith—that’s hope—that’s our challenge.

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 LEARNING TO LIVE WITH PROBLEMS
Hebrews 11:8–19

W hen a young couple marries, they pledge their life to each other,“Till death do us part.”
When they are young, neither thinks about the death of the other. They still have strong bodies, and
their present lives are so good that death is far removed from their thoughts. Abraham and Sarah had
lifelong struggles with “life-problems” until they died. God promised a son—a new life. But Sarah could-
n’t have children because she was barren.They tried to fulfill the promise their own way by using a maid-
servant and only brought grief to themselves.
Finally, when they trusted God, Isaac was born. Abraham and Sarah lived by faith, but they also had
some problems and failures. Their lives are an example to us. Even when Sarah died, Abraham showed
us how to deal with the death of a spouse with strength and dignity.

What are the two greatest attributes mentioned

about Sarah in the New Testament?
Faith was Sarah’s greatest quality. She was listed in Hebrews 11, God’s Hall of Fame, even though
she seemed to have momentary lapses in judgment. Sarah’s second greatest quality was her obedience to
Abraham—“as Sarah obeyed Abraham” (1 Pet. 3:6). In this act, she fulfilled Paul’s expectation of mar-
riage, “Submitting to one another in the fear of God. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the
Lord” (Eph. 5:21, 22). Notice the New Testament word is submit which means an internal decision. Some
have mistakenly quoted this verse using the word subject, which implies another person’s effort to press
the wife into submission.
It’s important to clarify this concept of submission. Men and women alike have been offended by
the notion that this phrase means the wife is under absolute control of her husband. That is not accu-
rate. In a marriage, husbands and wives do have very different roles.The husband is charged with caring
for his wife the way Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25). Her “submission” is a completely voluntary act
that merely means she recognizes and respects his leadership role in the family. In fact, Ephesians 5:21

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clearly states that couples should be “submitting to one another.” This refers to how all Christian peo-
ple should relate to one another.
The beauty of submission is that the door handle is on the inside, and a wife voluntarily submits to
her husband as unto the Lord.What best encourages her do that? She will submit voluntarily to her hus-
band when he leads her as Christ leads the Church.

In Hebrews 11:11, Sarah’s incredible faith was rewarded.

What did she receive?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

How difficult was it for Sarah to submit to Abraham?

Sometimes it can be a difficult and costly transition for a woman to leave her family and take up
residence with a new husband. Notice what God told Abraham to do: “Get out of your country, from
your family and from your father’s house” (Gen. 12:1). But Sarah followed her husband. She left her fam-
ily and friends just as Abraham left his in Ur of the Chaldees to go to the land of Israel. Of all the things
Sarah did for God, this might have been one of the most difficult. But sacrifice has always been part of
following the Lord:“If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily,
and follow Me” (Luke 9:23).
Abraham left his home without a map, and he didn’t know where he was going (Heb. 11:8).Women
generally prefer security over surprises.They like their homes to be settled and their family relationships
secure. So great faith was certainly visible in Sarah’s willingness to follow Abraham when he didn’t even
know where they were going.

What do we know about Sarah’s character?

Sarah’s name means “princess,” which describes her beauty, culture, education, charm, and gracious
manner of life. From all that we can determine, Sarah walked through the camp with grace and digni-
ty. What better way to describe the woman of God than to say she has dignity. Sarah was admired for

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 Abraham and Sarah

her faithful life by those who lived around her. She is admired by New Testament believers who read
about her today.
The focus of Sarah’s life was to be a helpmeet to her husband, just as God originally described Eve
as a helpmeet to Adam.

According to Genesis 2:18, why did God give Adam a helpmeet

and how did the helpmeet compare to him?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Sarah became a “helper comparable” to Abraham because when she made a conscious decision to
follow her husband and help him fulfill God’s plan for his life, she epitomized the true helpmeet.
Note that a helpmeet was definitely not weak. At times Sarah questioned Abraham’s decisions, and
at other times she had a strong opinion about what they should do.When a husband has a helpmeet, he
has someone who will seek to meet his needs just as he meets hers. A helpmeet will help him through
difficult times—aiding him to make decisions he can’t make, and helping him learn things he doesn’t
know.
Sarah was a wonderful helpmeet. Wherever
In your weakness Abraham went, Sarah went. And whatever
you discover strength. Abraham did, Sarah was a valuable part of that.
Some wives may interfere with God’s plan for
In your strength their lives by not following the Lord in helping
you help the other become strong. their husband.
Sarah once interfered with God’s plan by
taking matters into her own hands.This placed a
great strain on her marriage to Abraham. God had promised they would have a child, and through this
child would come a great nation. Ultimately this child would lead to the Messiah. But the problem was
that they had no child.They were old and every year that they got older, having a child seemed less like-
ly. In those days, being barren was dishonoring, and Sarah was past the age of bearing children. It seemed
futile to hope against nature.

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What does Genesis 16:2 say Sarah did?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What was the nature of Sarah’s unwise solution?

A couple of conclusions can be drawn from Sarah’s decision. First, it should be recognized that she
was following a legal transaction of her culture.The Nuzi customs of that day provided for obtaining a
legal child by a bond slave. But the most obvious issue about this time in Sarah’s life was her uncharac-
teristic lack of faith. God had promised that Abraham would have a son. While the promise did not
include her, it surely implied her. For some reason, Sarah put herself outside that promise. She didn’t
believe that God could bring life from a dead womb, or that God could give a son to an aged couple.
So Sarah made a decision she thought was the right one.

Why does God allow problems in our lives?

And what will trouble do for you? Go to James 1:2 for the answer.

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

The young maid Hagar got pregnant by Abraham just as Sarah suggested.Then problems broke out
around the camp. Hagar became demanding, eventually wanting to be treated equally to Sarah.Though
Hagar was still a slave, she may have even wanted to replace Sarah.
Sarah blamed Abraham when Hagar became unmanageable. Communication is usually better than
isolation, but this was communication with a hook. Abraham responded by doing nothing about the
problem.The Scriptures are silent as to whether Abraham talked with Hagar or whether he made con-
cessions. Sometimes men are emotionally unable or unwilling to act when problems face the family. But

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when problems are not dealt with wisely and faithfully, they tend to grow. Even if unresolved problems
subside for a time, they eventually return with greater impact.

According to James 1:5, what should you do when you’re in trouble?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Abraham didn’t assume family leadership, as he should have. And leadership is what most women
expect from their husbands. Abraham didn’t act or provide leadership, and in the final analysis, he neg-
lected his responsibility to his wife, to Hagar, and to God.
Ultimately, Hagar departed from the camp,
but only for a short period of time. When God
You have already made a decision saw her pain, He sent her back with the promise
when you refuse to choose; that she would bear a son, and that he would be
a great nation. And just as God told her, Hagar
You have made a decision
had a son—Ishmael.
about the things you’ll lose. Years later, little Isaac was born to Sarah and
Abraham. This was a miraculous birth by our
standards today! They were both well past what we would consider childbearing age.
The name Isaac means “laughter,” and it was given because both Abraham and Sarah laughed at the
prospect of the birth of a son. God told Abraham to call the child “Laughter” as a pleasant reminder of
His challenge to their faith.
Somewhere between the time of Sarah’s laughter of unbelief and the birth of the son, her laughter
turned to joy, and her joy turned to belief.

In Genesis 21:6, what did Sarah say God did?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

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And in 1 Peter 1:7, how does it say we should relate to the Lord
after He has helped us through problems?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What brought about another disagreement between

Sarah and Abraham?
When little Isaac was about three years old, the time came for him to be weaned.This seems strange
to us today, especially in an age of pre-mixed formula and all of our advanced child-rearing techniques.
But in desert tribes of Bible times, a child wasn’t weaned until age three, and sometimes even later!
Abraham planned a great banquet for the occasion. During the banquet, Hagar and Ishmael, who
was about thirteen years old by this time, began mocking little Isaac.The Hebrew word for mock indi-
cates they were striking him with their hands or fists.
Sarah was rightfully upset at what Hagar and Ishmael were doing.

In Genesis 21:10, what does Sarah tell Abraham to do?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Abraham’s inability to assure Sarah and preserve peace again threatened to drive a wedge between
them.The sins of a father can easily re-emerge in the life of his son, and that was the case with Isaac. He
chose one son, Esau, while his wife, Rebekah, chose the other son, Jacob. And it didn’t stop there. Jacob
drove a wedge in his family because he loved Joseph more than his other sons, while Leah seemed to
favor Judah.

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 Abraham and Sarah

There are many instances in the Bible of people with troubles.

In Job 5:7, for instance, who has problems in their life?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

What is a wife’s role in problem-solving?

The Bible says that Sarah was “submissive” to Abraham, yet at times she astutely pointed out the
other side of an issue to him. She had her opinion while Abraham had his opinion, but the Bible still
says “Sarah obeyed Abraham” (1 Pet. 3:6). Even in a healthy submission, a wife should have strong opin-
ions about problems, and she must share in the responsibility for resolving them.

According to James 1:2, what should be your attitude

when you go through troubles?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Now look in Ephesians 4:22–24.

What should you do to overcome your problems and trials?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

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What about the wife who always gives in to her husband? Is this healthy? The wife who loves peace
at any cost and who avoids responsibility may have some esteem issues. She needs to see herself in God’s
sight as a woman called, commissioned, and responsible to give her family the best of her wisdom and
love. Just as the husband provides leadership to the family, the wife often becomes the glue that holds
them all together.

 WHEN ONE MATE DIES FIRST 

When a couple marries, they marry “til death do us part.” Abraham and Sarah had a long and prof-
itable marriage. But when she reached the age of 123, “Sarah died” (Gen. 23:2). Death is inevitable…it
comes to all. In this family, the wife died first. Interestingly, Sarah is the only woman in the Bible whose
age is mentioned, and only after she was dead.Whether intended or not, fellas, this may be a wise exam-
ple for all of us of the sensitivity to a woman’s privacy about her age.

What was Abraham’s emotional response

to the death of his wife?
Obviously, when someone has become a part of your life and he or she dies, a part of you dies. It
is because in marriage, two people become one flesh, and when one dies, suddenly the remaining one
feels very incomplete. Half of Abraham’s life was gone, half of his stability was gone, and half of his rea-
son for living was gone.
First, Genesis 23:2 says Abraham mourned over Sarah.This is the inward grief that he felt over her
loss.There may not be tears or outward emotions, but there is grief as deep as their relationship.
In the same verse, however, it does say that Abraham “wept” for Sarah.
For some time, Abraham must have felt great loneliness. When he went to talk to the leaders in
Hebron to ask for a place to bury Sarah, he said, “I am a foreigner and a visitor among you” (v. 4). He
no doubt felt alone because his helpmeet was gone.
In the face of death, you can’t rest on your past; you must face the future, even though it may be a
difficult one.There may be a long time of mourning, and the ache of loneliness for one’s mate may never
go away completely.

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 Abraham and Sarah

A Man Is Wise to Listen

to His Wife…
1. When she says there is a problem in the marriage.
2. When she has an evaluation.
3. When she expresses her needs and feelings.
4. When she expresses a desire for certain changes.

What does Genesis 23:3 say Abraham did after he mourned

the death of his wife?

________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

This means Abraham stood up, gathered himself, and got on with his life. If you should experience
the loss of your mate, you must eventually look to the future because God’s plan is for you to live in the
future.You can’t remain in the past.

Go to James 1:12 to find out what reward is promised

to those who successfully endure troubles and trials.

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Practical Take–Aways
The submission of a wife is not a posture of surrender but an attitude of trust.
At the beginning, Sarah was willing to follow Abraham anywhere. She was willingly submissive, but
that doesn’t mean she was dominated. She had strong opinions. Sometimes she was right, sometimes she
was wrong. But so was her husband. Their submission to each other was a lifelong journey. At times,
Abraham made it easy, especially when he served God. At other times, Abraham made it difficult when
he followed his flesh.

There’s no such thing as a life of faith without problems.

God doesn’t measure your faith by the absence of problems.Your faith is evidenced when it empow-
ers you to face and overcome problems.Abraham is described as “walking by faith,” yet he had problems
with the economy, relatives, his wife, fleshly desires, and evil, warring neighbors.You can be in the cen-
ter of God’s will if you have problems, but you continue to follow God by facing problems and over-
coming them with godly wisdom and faith.

How we handle problems will influence our children.

We may or may not like it, but our children are often more like us than we ever know. Even if they
try not to, our kids can pick up our bad habits. If we remain aware of this, we can work to overcome
our bad habits and give our kids a good example. Nevertheless, because our kids will repeatedly witness
that we are sinners, a life of repentance and dependence on God’s strength will be our most valuable
example to them.Then we talk with our kids and try to point them in the right direction.

Our days are known.

In virtually all marriages, one spouse must eventually say goodbye to the other.The important thing
is not what death takes from you, even though it feels that you’ve lost a part of yourself.The important
thing is how you go forward from your loss.You will mourn and grieve, to be sure. But at some point,
you’ll need to leave the cemetery. God intends for your life with Him to continue prospering.

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Journaling
Writing down your thoughts is a good habit that will help you think clearly about a subject. Since
you are serious about developing a strong marriage, you can use the following questions to guide your
thoughts and writings. Remember, writing out your prayers and plans will clarify your thinking.

For example:
Lord, there are so many examples in the lives of Abraham and Sarah that are true
for all of us. Sometimes we’re moved away from family and we miss them. Sometimes
we tend to play favorites with our children. Sometimes our faith isn’t very strong.
Help us remember that You have never failed and that when problems come, we can
face them together. Lord, you have blessed our lives individually and together. Help
me to carefully think through my suggestions to my spouse. I never want to misdirect
him or her. Help us both to ask You for wisdom in all our decisions. Amen.

1. Write in your own words how you feel when God answers your prayers and solves a problem.
His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

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2. Make a list of the three greatest problems God has solved in your marriage. How did you
feel? How did you express your gratitude to God? Did it bring the two of you closer together? Did
it strengthen your faith?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

3. What have you learned about your mate by the way he or she solves a problem? How can you
help your mate? What can you learn from your mate?

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________
____________________________ ____________________________

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4. What have you learned about God from the way your mate solves problems? Write down what
helped you in the past that can also help you in the future.

His Response
______________ Her Response
______________
____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

____________________________ ____________________________

Marriage-Strengthening Exercises
Keep a journal.
Keep a separate journal in which you record details about needs, problems, or any prayer that you
need answered. Pray about them individually, and then pray for them together. As God answers your
prayers, check them off (I write “Amen”) and describe the resolution. Keep the journal for future ref-
erence and encouragement. Some time in the future, when you think God can’t answer (or you think
He’s not listening), take out your past answers to prayer and review them. (My pages date back to 1951!)

Plan a conference.
Plan a conference with your mate to discuss your strategy to handle problems. Brainstorm! Make a
list of the greatest challenges you have faced victoriously in your marriage. Begin writing your princi-
ples of handling problems, and then make a list of past problems that went unresolved. Discuss ways you
might have approached the problems differently. Be careful to avoid accusing one another. Continue
writing the principles that worked to solve problems.Add to your list the principles that were not effec-
tive in your marriage.When you finish this conference, you should have a better handle on solving future
problems.

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How to Solve a Problem God’s Way

1. Get the facts.
2. Pray about it.
3. Establish needed biblical principles.
4. Pray that God will give you guidance.
5. Write out the problem and clarify it.
6. Ask God for wisdom.
7. Make a list of various ways to solve the problem.
8. Ask God to help you make good choices.
9. Choose the best solution.
10. Implement the solution the best way possible.
11. Pray for continued strength and wisdom, and thank God for His grace
and leadership in your life.

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