Characteristics of a Good Personal

Statement
But before you write a single word, make sure you know what is expected of a
successful college essay.

A good essay...:

-Is thoughtful and honest: A strong personal statement is reflective; that is, it
demonstrates that you have thought about and gained a clear perspective on your
experiences and what you want in your future. It does not simply tell a reader what
you think he/she wants to know. Instead, it gives the reader a vivid and compelling
picture of you--in essence, telling the reader what he or she should know about you.
Remember that the focus of the essay is YOU--your achievements, your obstacles,
your goals, your values.

-Strives for depth, not breadth: A good essay is not a list of your
accomplishments. Remember when your mom told you that it's quality, not quantity,
that counts? Well, the same adage applies for your college essay. A reader will be
much more interested in how your experience demonstrates the theme of your essay,
not the number of accomplishments you can list. What is NOT interesting: an essay
that devotes one paragraph each to a variety of different topics. This type of approach
denies you the ability to give depth to your essay.

-Follows the conventions of good writing: A good essay uses appropriate

grammar and syntax, uses precise and vivid language, and does not contain any
spelling errors.

-Conforms to guidelines: If the essay instructions tell you that the essay should be
two pages long, on white 8.5x11 inch paper, then the essay should be two pages long,
on white 8.5x11 inch paper. Less is not more, and more is not better, either.

-Answers the question! : A good essay is the result of a writer who has examined
the essay question and written an essay that explicitly addresses that question. For
example, if you are asked to describe your greatest accomplishment or any unusual
circumstances or challenges you have faced, then your reader will expect you to use
vivid language that will enable the reader to visualize your accomplishment and share
your sense of success.

-Benefits from several drafts and feedback from others: Revision allows an
essay to grow. Revising is not editing; revising is the act of "re-seeing" and of looking
for those parts of the essay that would benefit from more explication, more (or less)
vivid language, or even deleting parts that simply don't work to move your primary
theme forward. Similarly, feedback from others can help you identify those parts of
the essay that work well--and those that don't.
-Contains a catchy introduction that will keep the reader interested: It is
important to recognize that essay readers will read hundreds, maybe even thousands,
of essays during the application review period. That means that an essay with a
catchy introduction, one that gets right to the point and uses precise language and
vivid imagery, is going to stand our more than an essay that is predictable and
conventional in its opener.

-Transforms blemishes into positives: It's okay to have flaws! The essay is your
chance to show how you have transformed blemishes. For example, if your essay
theme is "overcoming obstacles" and you earned a poor grade in a class, but went to a
community college at night to repeat the course, it is important for your reader to
know this because it is an example of your perseverance. The reader does not want to
hear complaints about poor grades or circumstances, but rather wants to know how
you have overcome them.

-Demonstrates your knowledge of the major/college: No one expects you to

know everything about the college or university to which you are applying. However,
readers will want to know that you have done your homework. For example, if you
write an essay that states your interest in becoming an engineer, but the college does
not have an engineering program, then you haven't done your homework.

-Exudes confidence--you will be successful no matter what: A good essay

doesn't beg or brag. Colleges and universities want to admit the best students, and
the best students are those who can demonstrate their ability to pursue their goals
regardless of where they are admitted. Think of this as quiet confidence--the kind that
reveals itself through your description of lifelong interests, sustained commitment,
and/or perseverance in the face of adversity.

Keep these characteristics of a good essay in mind as you compose. And be sure to
avoid the typical college essay blunders.

BLUNDERS AND THINGS TO AVOID:

The essay repeats information contained elsewhere in the application:

Sometimes students, to be on the safe side, simply repeat in the essay the same
information that is in the application itself. This strategy results in the reader gaining
no more insight into what drives you than he/she discerned from the rest of the
application packet. Remember, your reader already knows from your application, for
example, that you are in the California Scholarship Federation and a member of the
Ethnic Studies Club. What the reader doesn't know is why you chose to participate in
these activities and how your involvement in these activities is evidence of your
particular interests and talents--your essay's theme. If one of these experiences is a
good example of your essay's theme, then by all means include it. If you're just
including it because you think that you'll impress the reader with everything you've
ever done, think again.

Here's an example of this blunder:

In my junior year I was a cheerleader for my school. I worked really hard at it, and
found it to be fun and challenging. I was also part of my school's Kids in the Kitchen
program, which helped to make food available to poor people in my community.
Cheerleading and volunteer work kept me very busy. I spent approximately twenty
hours each week cheering and another five hours volunteering. I learned a lot from
this experience and can manage my time effectively and maintain a positive attitude
in the face of adversity.

The writer complains about his/her circumstances rather than explains

them.: Remember that admissions officers want to know how resilient you are. While
it is certainly okay to write about obstacles you've faced, what is important to your
reader is how you overcame the obstacle, not what a terrible obstacle it was.

Here's an example of this blunder: Because my mother is a single parent, she has
had to make a lot of sacrifices to keep me and my brother in a private school. It means
that we have to go without a lot of things, which is sometimes embarrassing. But even
though everyone in my school knows that we are poor, no one is willing to give me a
break. This is especially true of my English teacher, Sister Magdalena. Because she
didn't like me, and she is not comfortable with poor people, she gave me a C in English
when I really should have gotten a B.

The writer discusses money or a college's ranking as a motivating factor for

applying to a particular major/college.

Yes, we all want to attend college to earn more money. And we all want to attend the
most prestigious colleges. But college faculty who read your essay want to know that
you are motivated by a love of learning. So, even though money or a school's ranking
may be important to you, keep this information out of your essay.

Here's an example of this blunder: I want to study engineering because a recent US

News and World Report article said that engineering is the fastest-growing industry in
the nation and the best place to study engineering is UCLA. With a degree in
engineering, I will be able to buy a house for my mom.

The essay relies on gimmicks rather than substance. A "gimmicky" essay is one
in which the reader tries to get the reader's attention through unconventional means.
This does not mean that your essay has to follow one set format; what it means is that
gimmicks can't replace substance.

Here's an example of this blunder: College, oh college/How much I want thee/for

college, oh college/will strengthen me/and with a degree in hand/I will change this
land/and make a better life for you and me. (This is supposed to be a poem. )

The writer makes claims in the essay that are not backed up by the
application. : The essay is a component of the application and is read within the
context of the application. A description of yourself as the top student in the school
should be supported by your grades. Similarly, claims made about your extracurricular
experiences should be backed up by the application. For example, a student who
claims that her lifelong ambition is to save the environment would want this claim
supported by examples of involvement in environment-related hobbies, clubs and
classes.

The essay contains the wrong school name: Oops! In these days of
computerized cutting and pasting, this is an easy blunder to make. Proofread
carefully!

The essay contains mechanical errors or errors of usage, clichés, or

meaningless prose: Although your reader is not grading your essay or scrutinizing
your grammar, a poorly written essay signals a reader that you are unfamiliar with
conventions of good writing or simply did not put enough time into composing your
essay. Either way, there will be other applications whose essays are very polished, so
don't disadvantage yourself.

Here are some examples of this blunder: My father always told me that there is
nothing to fear but fear itself. (A cliché)

A feeling of indescribable disbelief overcame me. (Wordy prose)

The essay is too long or too short: Show that you know how to follow directions.
An essay that is too short may indicate carelessness; one that is too long may signal
arrogance. Remember that your readers have many other applications to read, so be
sure that the limited time available to peruse yours will be spent reading an essay that
is the appropriate length.

Structuring Your Personal Statement: Body Paragraphs

Body paragraphs are the meat of your essay, and as such are the most important component of your essay. In
the body paragraphs, you will expand upon and provide support for the theme you introduced in the first
paragraph and will provide the details that move that theme forward. A two page essay will typically contain
2-4 body paragraphs. Each paragraph contains:

A topic sentence that expands your theme and makes a transition from the previous
paragraph
Development of ideas that support your essay's theme
An ending sentence that wraps up the paragraph and helps to transition into the next
paragraph

The first body paragraph is the place to start building your support for your theme.
Here you will begin with the smallest components of your theme and, in subsequent
paragraphs, work toward the most significant. Or you can organize chronologically. Try
both methods and see which one is most persuasive for your particular theme.

TIP: As you draft each paragraph, use the following Signpost Questions in as you
develop your essay to help ensure that you have developed your paragraphs fully.

Introduction and/or First Body Paragraph

What are my values and philosophies about my theme? What is the basis of these
values?

Body Paragraphs 2-4

What accomplishment am I most proud of, and why?

What incident/event provides evidence of my responsibility, and how?
What difficulties or disadvantages have I faced and how did I overcome them? (This
 is especially important if you are applying for the Educational Opportunity Program
(EOP).
What is one area in which I am weak, and how have I overcome it?

TIP: Avoid simplistic transitions between paragraphs. If your topic sentences

(generally the first sentence in each paragraph) all begin with some sort of numerical
transition (first, second, third, finally), or you find yourself relying to heavily on "also"
to move your paragraphs forward, look for more interesting and sophisticated
transition words and phrases to move the essay along.

Structuring Your Personal Statement: Conclusions

Your conclusion is your chance to extend your essay's parameters and to demonstrate
the significance of your experience in a larger context A conclusion is not a repeat or
summary of ideas presented elsewhere in the essay or application. Instead, it should
re-affirm the validity of your essay's theme. This means that your conclusion should
widen the lens rather than narrow the focus.