Love Yourself First

Love Yourself First

How to Heal from Toxic People, Create
Healthy Relationships & Become a
Confident Woman
Krystle Laughter
Fortre’ Publishing Co.
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise stated, are taken
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Used by Permission. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
Scripture quotations marked (CEV) are from the
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1995 by American Bible Society. Used by Permission.
Cover Design by Krystle Laughter
Love Yourself First: How to Heal from Toxic People, Create
Healthy Relationships & Become a Confident Woman
Copyright © 2020 by Krystle Laughter
Tacoma,WA
All right reserved. No part of this publication may be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in

any form or by any means-electronic, digital, photocopy,

recording, or any other- except for brief quotations in

printed reviews, without the prior written permission of the

author.
If you don’t learn how to love yourself first, someone will
offer you less than you deserve and you’ll accept it.
 Table of Contents

Introduction

How Did You Learn Love?

➢ Pieces of Me Part 1
➢ Make Yourself Happy
➢ Why Not Love Yourself First?
➢ History Repeats Itself ➢ Chapter 1 Review

Loving the Girl in the Mirror

➢ Pieces of Me Part 2
➢ Getting Real with Yourself?
➢ Do You Know You?
➢ How to Gain Self-Love
➢ The Power of Words
➢ Chapter 2 Review

Becoming a Confident Woman

➢ Pieces of Me Part 3
➢ The Shame & Blame Mindset ➢ The Learning &
Growth Mindset ➢ Loving the Skin You’re In ➢
Chapter 3 Review
Creating Healthy Relationships
➢ Pieces of Me Part 4
➢ Believe What They Show You ➢ What You Allow Will
Continue ➢ Let Them Lose You ➢ Picky on Purpose
➢ Love is on the Otherside of Fear ➢ Chapter 4
Review
Do You Lack Standards?
➢ Pieces of Me Part 5
➢ What’s it Costing You?
➢ Letting go of the Past ➢ Face Your Fears ➢ Birthing
Boundaries ➢ Chapter 5 Review
Girl, Go Get Your Healing
➢ Pieces of Me Part 6
➢ The 3 "A's" of Healing ➢ Discovering Your Worth ➢
Self-Love Everyday ➢ Worth the Wait ➢ Chapter 6
Review
Self-Love Affirmations

The 10 “I’s” of Self-Love

Hello Today (Poem)

Introduction
I’ve struggled with insecurity my whole life. I was always in
awe of those who were confident, outspoken, and could
easily stand up for themselves. Inwardly I wished I was bold
and witty enough to be the class clown. As a child, I can
remember being in school and being too shy to raise my
hand to use the bathroom. I know it sounds silly, but that’s
just how shy I was. I hated being called on to read aloud,
even though I was a strong reader. I longed for attention,
but in public it was painfully uncomfortable. It didn’t help
that I couldn’t pronounce my R’s right; I would use the W
sound instead. When people would ask me my name it
would come out, Kwistol instead of Krystle.
Reflecting back, I can see that I didn’t speak up because I
was afraid that others wouldn’t like me. I feared rejection. It
was easier to blend in with the crowd; being myself seemed
like too much of a risk. As a result, I was often forgotten and
misunderstood. I still had friends, but I only let my guard
down around those closest to me. I can still remember an
elementary school dance. I wore a beautiful dark green
dress and my mom had just done my hair. I was feeling like
a princess. I watched everyone dancing and having a good
time. I longed to dance, but every time I mustered up
enough courage to get on the floor, something within would
hold me back. My mom kept encouraging me to just go
dance. The boy I secretly had a crush on even asked me for
a dance, and I bashfully declined. Minutes turned into hours
and the dance was over. Till this day, I wish I could go back
and cut it up. I would be the first one on and the last one off
that dance floor. I wish I could have overcome my fear and
insecurity to do what I really wanted to do... just dance.
As an adult, my insecurity led me down a dark road of toxic,
regret-filled relationships. How did I keep winding up with
people that didn’t value me? How could I not see what
others easily observed right away? Deep down inside, I was
still that same little girl longing to be loved and accepted,
never really feeling good enough. Now, I realize that I didn’t
know how to love myself. No one ever told me I was worthy
and valuable, so I never felt secure in my identity. I didn’t
know that I had the power to love and accept myself
because I had already been accepted by God.
It's sad as I think about the little girl longing to be
enough. If I could go back in time, I would tell her how
funny, creative, intelligent, and beautiful she really is. I
would tell her to laugh, sing out loud, crack a joke, and
never, ever stop dancing. Since I can’t go back and tell her
these things, I will tell you: Stop searching! Stop looking! All
of the love and acceptance you’ve ever needed is inside of
you, placed there by God the moment you were created!
You are enough. You are deserving. You are worthy. You are
loved.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very
well.
-Psalm 139:14
1

How Did You Learn Love?

If you don’t learn how to love yourself first, you’ll let people
give you their worst while you give them your best
Who was your first example of love? For most of us, it was
our parents. It’s easy to underestimate the power of first
impressions, reaching adulthood without ever stopping to
think about how our experiences have shaped our view of
life and love. What you witnessed and experienced growing
up in regard to love has shaped your concept of love, your
ability to love, and to be loved. No matter what your
upbringing was, it is vital that you take the time to reflect
back on how you saw love being played out in the lives of
those you love. For a lot of us, we saw love modeled in
unhealthy ways.
If you witnessed abuse, you may believe that
accepting toxic behaviors is a requirement to loving
someone. Holding others accountable for their behavior may
be challenging for you, because as a child you felt
powerless to do anything, so you just learned to cope with
inappropriate behaviors. A lot of women are in abusive
relationships today as a result of the abuse they saw
growing up.
 I grew up as the youngest of six children in a single
parent home. During that time, I witnessed my mother go
through several toxic relationships. So, subconsciously you
could say, one of the first lessons I learned about love was
that unhealthy relationships were normal. I love my mother
and I appreciate everything she did for me and my siblings. I
applaud her strength. I know she did her best and I will
always be truly grateful for her.
As I’ve said, my first introduction to love was very
unhealthy. I witnessed women close to me date men who
struggled with chemical dependency, mental health issues
such as depression, and other toxic behaviors. A few of
those relationships were physically abusive, which the police
had to be called. As I reflect back on the things I witnessed
in those relationships, I recognize that they had more
impact on me than I realized. I was a quiet child and I
internalized a lot. I knew that I wanted better for myself
when I got older. I knew that the way I saw relationships
played out in the lives of those around me wasn’t the way it
was supposed to be. I wouldn’t be like them, I thought to
myself. I was smarter than that. I would be different, I vowed
to myself. I wouldn’t allow men to mistreat me. I would
choose men who loved me and knew how to treat me. I was
better than that.
Pieces of Me
Part 1
Despite all my efforts to avoid the abuse I witnessed
growing up, my first adult relationship was very unhealthy. It
was with a very toxic man who wouldn’t know love if Jesus
came down and slapped him in the face. He was an older
so-called “Christian”. I was young, naive, and inexperienced.
I’m sure he saw me coming from a mile away. He was nice
at first, but the thought of a relationship with him repulsed
me. I know it sounds terrible, but I must be honest. I told
him that I didn’t see him that way, but that didn’t seem to
deter him. One day as we were having breakfast at Denny's,
he said that God told him that I was his wife. I was more
intrigued than anything else. I guess I continued to hang
around him out of boredom and curiosity. Eventually and
with much resistance on my part, he began to grow on me. I
was awestruck by his knowledge of the Bible and how
intelligent he appeared to be. His house contained hundreds
of books that he had read. He was different than any man I
have ever met. Eventually, we began dating and I got
pregnant. The abuse followed immediately after that.
As I look back on that relationship, one of the mistakes I
made was in believing that because he was older, he would
appreciate me more than someone my own age. Sadly, this
couldn't be farther from the truth. The first time he ever hit
me was at a bus stop in broad daylight. He slapped me in
the mouth like a parent would to a disobedient child. I think
I was too shocked to really respond. I couldn't believe that it
had happened. He later told me he did it because I had said
something smart to him.
His agenda of gaining full control over my life happened
quickly. He began by ostracizing me from my family after
making up a story about how they unjustly cursed him out. I
cut them off, only to find out years later that it was him that
did the cursing. He had planned this all along. That’s the
only way he could get away with what was coming next.
Over the course of our three year relationship, we
married and had two children. My children and I suffered
physical, mental, and emotional abuse at his hands. I did my
best to keep a smile on my face knowing the unspoken
rules: never let anyone get too close, don’t look in the
direction of another man, and keep my mouth shut.
Despite my best efforts, he constantly belittled me;
making me ask for food, refusing to let me breastfeed,
forbidding me from taking the kids to the park, making me
catch the bus pregnant, while he drove the family car. He
wouldn’t even allow me access to my own bank card, which
held a whole five dollars. All the money I got from school
was taken into his possession and spent as he saw fit. I was
a prisoner without bars... To be Continued...
 Why Not Love Yourself First?

As I have matured, I have come to understand that self-love

is a necessity, because it is the foundation for which all of
our love is based. If your foundation is broken, then the way
you love others will be unhealthy and out of balance. You
will give too much to others and expect little in return. You
will be so happy to have someone to love that you won't
stop to ask yourself if they deserve it. Self-love is vital
because it teaches you to set standards and expectations of
what you're willing to accept from other people and even
yourself. Self-love is a foundational part of discovering your
identity.
To some people self-love can seem selfish, but live
long enough and you'll find that constantly meeting the
needs of others is draining. When you make a habit of
always putting other people's needs before your own, you
will find that you have little or no time to do the things that
you enjoy. This can be hard for mothers and caregivers.
When you make time for yourself, you will be a better
mother, friend, and person in general because your needs
will have been met.
When you don't have self-love, you'll allow people to
mishandle you and give you less than you deserve. On the
flip side, self-love allows you to assess people and situations
quickly. It eliminates feelings of guilt from wanting more and
knowing you deserve better. Self-love protects you from
settling for less, because you know that you are worthy of
everything you want and need. When you learn to love
yourself first, it will be easier to let go of people and things
that no longer serve you. Yes, it may hurt at first, but as you
release negativity you will notice an improvement in your
quality of life. So sis, learn to love yourself first. I promise
you'll only lose those who never deserved you in the first
place.
 Make Yourself Happy

Like me, some of us get into life and death situations

because we are desperate for love and we think the only
way to get it is from another person. The greatest source of
love is from God. God is love! We only know what true love
is because God showed us what love was through his son
Jesus on the cross. Here is the definition of love given to us
by God in the Bible:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not

boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is
not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. Love
takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It bears
all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all
things. Love never fails.
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (BSB)
I don’t think anyone would object to being loved like that,
the problem is we never consider that we need to love
ourselves like this. So much emphasis is placed on falling in
love, getting married, and living happily ever after that most
of us fail to realize that the majority of people don’t know
how to love themselves, much less another person. How
many people looking for love have stopped to consider that
the key to finding love is to love themselves first?
Unfortunately, it took me thirty-four years to finally discover
this truth. It’s better late than never.
 History Repeats Itself

Now that I have children of my own, I realize that they learn

best by example and not by instruction. If I want them to be
honest, I shouldn't practice lying. If I want them to be kind,
then I should show them what kindness looks like through
my actions.
Although children are young, they are keenly aware of
hypocrisy. We must do better if we want them to be better.
It’s unfair to expect a child to do something we adults
haven’t shown them how to do. In regards to relationships,
the thought of my children following in my footsteps is
scary. I realize now that history repeats itself. If I want a
different outcome for my sons and daughters, I have to
show them something different: It starts with me.
I’ve spent a lifetime trying to run in the opposite
direction of what I saw as a child. My greatest fear was
repeating the same relationship mistakes I witnessed
growing up. No matter how hard I've tried not to, I seemed
to have repeated them in one way or another. I know
countless others who have unwillingly done the same. Not
having the tools to break the cycles they learned, they end
up repeating them. Nothing changes unless we change. We
have the power to choose.
Looking back, I wish the women in my life would have
loved themselves. Maybe then they could have been the
example I needed them to be. Had they stood up for
themselves and not allowed men to mistreat them, maybe I
would’ve had the courage to do the same. I wish they
would’ve taught me the importance of valuing myself, my
body, and my own voice. I wish they would have
encouraged my hopes and dreams; inspiring me to focus on
and respect the woman I was becoming. Still, I hold nothing
against them. I know they would have given it, if they had it
to give.
This thing called self-love goes deep. We as women
must come to the place where we are no longer willing to
just accept what someone else gives us. We must be willing
to give ourselves the love we need, so that we are not
desperately seeking to get it from a relationship. We must
learn to be happy outside of another person and teach our
children to do the same.
Chapter 1 Review

Point #1:
Your first introduction to love is important,
because it affects the way in which you
love. History repeats itself, but breaking
the cycle of toxic relationships is possible
if you are willing to do the work that is
necessary.
Point #2:
Learning how to be happy by loving
yourself first can save you from a lifetime
of pain and regret. You must take the time
to assess your past relationship history in
order to see where you lacked self-love
and accepted toxic behaviors.
Point #3:
God’s is the source of love and through his
word we learn how to love ourselves and
others. When you learn to love yourself
first, based upon God’s love for you, it will
be easier to love others in a healthy and
balanced way.
2

Loving the Girl in the Mirror

If you don’t learn how to love yourself first, you’ll look in the
mirror one day and you won’t recognize the person staring
back at you
The desire to be loved is healthy and natural, but if you are
not careful you will spend your whole life striving for love
instead of being loved. All you have to do is take a look at
your social media feed to see that people are seeking
attention and longing for acceptance. It’s so easy to get
caught up in the likes of others that we don’t stop to ask if
we like ourselves. Are we proud of our own lives? Nobody’s
life is perfect, no matter how good it looks like on Instagram
and Facebook. Most people are public about their highlights
and silent about their heartaches, so what they show you
publicly is never the whole story. At the end of the day, it
won’t matter how many people liked your photo or how
many virtual friends you had. The question that will either
comfort or haunt you in the end is, "Was I happy with the
life I chose to live?"
Only you know what it will take for you to embrace the
woman in the mirror. You get to decide what’s meaningful to
you. Problems arise when we get so caught up in the lives of
others that we no longer know what’s best for us. In times
like this, we must pull back and reconnect with ourselves
and God. You must become an expert at being in tune with
you. We get into trouble when we expect others to know
more about us than we know about ourselves. You’re the
only one who knows your deepest thoughts and desires.
This is why you must initiate the process of learning how to
become happy with who you are. Since everyone’s journey
is different, you can’t compare yourself with others. So,
accept yourself for who you are, including your flaws and all,
and be happy with who God created you to be.
You can begin the process right now by saying this with me:
"I love myself. I accept myself. I will not let the mistakes of
my past determine my future. I am beautiful. I am lovely. I
am worthy. I am enough. The life that God has for me is
greater than anything I have ever imagined. I was made for
more. I will have more. I decide to give myself more from
this day forward. I forgive myself for the way I have treated
myself and for the way I have allowed others to treat me.
Please forgive me. I promise to honor you. I promise to give
you the love that you deserve, and to put you first."
Pieces of Me
Part 2
 We got married at the courthouse about six months
after we had our first child. In my heart I knew it wasn’t
what I really wanted. By this time, the abuse had been
going on for over a year, and he had gotten into my head.
He made me believe that I was the lowest scum of the
earth. He thought I believed I was better than him because I
still wasn't attracted to him. The truth was that he was an
overweight, slightly balding middle aged man. I wasn't
attracted to him physically and I couldn't help that. Deep
down, I knew that I was better than him because he lacked
character. I was far from perfect, but I knew I didn’t deserve
to be treated like that. I married him out of fear. I didn’t
want to live in sin, because of my faith in Jesus, and I didn't
want to be without my child. He had told me many times
that he would kill me, if I ever tried to take his child away
and I didn't doubt him for one second. He was crazy. He
threatened me with knives, and on one occasion held a
loaded double barrel shotgun to my head, all because I
watched a video of him and his estranged son without his
permission. He thrived on my fear. It's like it made him feel
powerful knowing he had full control of my life. I was his
slave. He was the puppet master.
The manager at the apartment complex we were
staying at knew something was up and she would try to talk
to me whenever she got the chance, which was rare since
the only time I was allowed to leave the house alone was
when I went to school. Every time she spoke to me I would
brush her off and tell her that things were fine, and that I
wasn’t in an abusive marriage like she had been. She would
tell me that things always got better temporarily before they
got worse again. He had convinced me that he wasn’t
abusive because he never hit me with a closed fist. I
believed it, but deep down I knew the truth.
I wasn’t allowed to wear my hair down in public. I
couldn’t wear makeup. He chose the clothes that were
acceptable for me to wear. He picked out my shoes and
even my winter jacket. All these still weren’t enough to keep
him from accusing me of cheating on him while I was at
school. I tried to reason that I had no time to cheat on him.
It was comical, thinking about it now. His crazed mind must
have envisioned me in the bathroom stalls during my short
breaks with other men. It was absolutely ridiculous.
I don’t know how I managed to finish school, but by
the grace of God I did. A few months before graduating with
my Associates Degree, a representative from a nearby
college came to talk to us about their Bachelorette Program.
It was an exciting opportunity and I decided to go for it. The
summer before I started the program, I found out I was six
weeks pregnant.
It was an unplanned pregnancy. I was surprised, but
happy. I loved being a mom. It was one of the few joys I had
left in my life. Despite the setback, I started school that fall.
Life went on normal for me. The abuse was normal now and
I tried to not let it affect me. Being locked out of the house,
having my ring taken away on a weekly basis, and walking
for hours in the cold at night to escape the chaos of my life
was all normal. To Be Continued...
 Getting Real with Yourself

If you don’t learn to love yourself first, you’ll spend your

time making everyone but yourself happy

Getting real with yourself is hard work. Most people keep

themselves so busy that they don't have time to examine
the reality of their own lives. I’m guilty of this. Sometimes
life can be so exhausting that distracting myself with
television or scrolling senselessly through social media feels
like the only relief I can find. The truth is, sometimes I don’t
want to be present with myself because I already know that
I won’t like what's there. Honesty is hard for me, because I
know that I'd have to put down the pint of Rocky Road ice
cream and think about what’s actually bothering me. My go-
to unhealthy habit for dealing with stress is social media
and sugar; maybe yours is going shopping or having too
much wine. Whatever it is, you have to be willing to address
negative habits in order to begin to love the girl in the
mirror. It’s the only way you'll become a woman you are
proud of. Girl, you better learn to love yourself first!

Do You Know You?

Who are you? What makes you happy? What makes you feel
appreciated and loved, safe, and secure? Are you familiar
with your strengths or just your weaknesses? Often times,
women spend so much time taking care of others that they
lose themselves in the process. Is that you? Remember, you
are important! Imagine caring about yourself as much as
you cared for others. Imagine meeting your own needs with
the same measure that you meet the needs of others.
Imagine living a life you are proud of because you took the
time to actually do the things you’ve always wanted to do,
and go to places you’ve always wanted to go.
Now stop! Close your eyes and take twenty seconds to
envision that woman, her life, and how it feels...that’s the
kind of life that you deserve! That’s the woman you owe to
yourself to become.
 You Are Worthy of Love
Now that you realize the importance of self-love, I bet you're
wondering how to practice it. Before you can begin to
practice self-love, you must believe you are worthy of being
loved, not just by others, but by yourself as well. Since God
is the ultimate source of love, you must believe that you
were created to be loved and that you have always been
loved. Believing that you are already loved will give you the
motivation to begin loving yourself. Now, go ahead and have
an ugly cry! Seriously, think about it for a moment. How
many things have you put off doing, what places have you
dared not to go, and how many relationships did you settle
for, all because you felt unworthy?
I know I can admit that I’ve allowed thoughts of
unworthiness stop me from enjoying my life to the fullest.
For example, there's a very posh health food store not too
far from where I live. It was built several years ago and I've
heard nothing but great things about it. They have an
outdoor dining area and a large assortment of organic treats
I know I want to try. The problem is that the thought of
going into this place intimidates the heck out of me. I know
it’s silly, but I have yet to get the courage to go inside. Pray
for me y'all.
This may seem unreasonable, but I can't tell you how
many women allow the same fear to keep them from the
love they desire. They stay in unhealthy relationships for
way too long and tolerate all kinds of foolish behavior from
people. It's hard for them to stand up for themselves even
when they know it's the right thing to do. I know this
because I used to be one of these women. I'm not perfect
but I'm growing and getting better every day. The last point
I want to make is very important. Write it down and
memorize it: If you don't believe you're worthy of "real"
love, you'll never give yourself permission to have it.
 The Power of Words

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and

those who love it will eat its fruit.
-Proverbs 18:21

As a child, I struggled with extreme shyness. I would be in

class or go places, and because I was so quiet adults would
literally forget that I was there. I hated being shy, but I
didn’t know how to overcome the fear of speaking up for
myself in public. As a result, it was hard for me to fit in and
make friends. In middle school I began to skip classes and
sometimes I would act like I was going to school but actually
sneak back upstairs to my room. On one of these occasions,
my mother being fed up with me called the cops. Lol. A
female police officer came into my room and saw me hiding
under the bed. She looked at me and left the room without
saying a word. I distinctly remember hearing my mom
saying, “I don't know what to do. There must be something
wrong with her”. I could hear the police woman agreeing
and saying, “Yes, there is”. As a child, I had a deep
reverence for civil servants such as firefighters and police
officers. They would come to my school often to teach about
drug and fire safety, so to hear that there was something
wrong with me from a person I highly respected was
devastating. I still remember the intense feelings of shame I
experienced as I reflect on the words of that female officer.
As an adult, I now know that I have the authority to take
back the power of the words the officer spoke over me that
day. She didn’t know me. She never even took the time to
find out what was going on with me. She simply judged me.
The reality of the situation was that I was a struggling
teenage girl desperately crying out for help. What I needed
at that moment was understanding and grace, not
judgment. That event was definitely a defining moment for
me. I began to believe that there must be something wrong
with me. Words are powerful! They shape our view of life
and of ourselves. Similarly, they have the power to change
the course of our life for better or for worse.
For a long time I allowed that experience to shape the way
I viewed myself. I believed that others could see my
inadequacies just as easily as the police officer did. As I
learned to love myself, I realized that I didn't have to allow
that situation or anyone else's opinion to define who I am. I
didn't have to be stuck reliving the pain of my past. I could
live free.
Today I give you permission to take back control of your life.
Release yourself from the prison of shame and
unworthiness. Free yourself from the chains of regret. You
are not what people have said about you. Stop judging
yourself by what others have done to you. Give yourself
permission to accept the beautiful gift that is you.
Chapter 2 Review

Point #1:
Self-love requires a willingness to be
honest and open with yourself. It takes
getting to know yourself, which may be
hard for some due to a lost sense of
identity.

Point #2
Who you are as a person is important in
your self-love journey. You must reignite
your purpose and the dreams you once
had. Becoming the woman you want to be
is achievable for you, and closer than you
think.

Point #3:
You are worthy of love. Knowing you are
already loved by God is key to developing
self-love. You must overcome fear, so that
it doesn’t hinder you from moving forward.

Point #4:
Words are powerful. You must take back
your power from the people who have
spoken negatively over you. You must
decide not to allow your identity to be
based upon others’ opinions of you. You
don’t need anyone’s permission to bring
healing into your life through the words
you speak.
3

Becoming a Confident Woman

If you don’t learn how to love yourself first, you’ll base your
confidence on how others treat you

Confidence starts in your mind. It goes beyond your physical

appearance and transcends any physical limitations. Let me
share with you a story that a friend of mine told me.
There was a woman from his hometown in Kenya. He
described her as ugly, based on the world’s standards of
ugliness. However, there was something about the way she
carried herself that made people look at her. She was kind,
she treated other people with dignity, and she had the kind
of confidence that made people’s heads turn. Although she
had no outward appeal, the beauty that radiated from her
spirit was undeniable. She had confidence.
This story proves that confidence is not based on
outward appearance, as some people think. Instead, true
confidence comes from the inside out. It comes from loving
yourself first, and that starts in your mind. The lady from the
small town in Kenya had confidence because she knew who
she was. She knew she didn’t possess beauty, but what she
did have was something far greater. She had learned to
accept her weakness and accentuate her strengths. In doing
so, she was able to radiate true beauty which comes from
the heart.
Somebody once said, you can't have an unhealthy
mind and live a confident life. If you want to become a
confident woman, you have to develop a new mindset.
Every change that has ever taken place in your life, good or
bad, began in your mind. Think about a person wanting to
lose weight. In order to do so, they have to envision
themselves at a new and healthy weight. As they envision
themselves, they begin to think about how they'll feel, the
confidence they'll have, and all the things they'll be able to
do. The process of envisioning is what will give them the
motivation to put in the effort necessary to lose the weight.
One thing I discovered as I sought healing from my
past was that I had adopted a toxic mindset from people I
had been in relationships with. My self-confidence suffered
because I began to define myself by the negative opinions
of people who didn't genuinely know me, instead of on the
truth I knew about myself. It's a dangerous thing when you
let others define you. When you don't love yourself first,
you’ll begin to seek the approval of others. You'll care so
much about what they think that you’ll want to change
yourself to make them happy. Be careful because
sometimes it's not you who needs to change. When you're
dealing with toxic people, they’ll often project their own
issues on you. They will make you believe that you're the
problem when it's actually their own insecurities. Instead of
addressing and dealing with their own issues, they’ll make
you the problem. You'll end up confused; trying to fix
problems that don’t exist because you were never the issue.
It's crazy when you think about it, but the old saying is true:
hurting people hurt people. Don’t be one of their casualties.
Trust your intuition and leave the relationship if the person
isn’t willing to change. This includes family relationships. No
one is worth risking your sanity and peace over.
When I recognized that my thoughts and opinions
were a result of things that others impressed upon me, I was
upset. I was angry that I had allowed others to control and
manipulate me. I was angry because I played the fool. I had
to learn how to separate my own voice from the voice of
others. I had to regain my self-confidence. As I learned to
silence the lies and negative voices in my head, I
simultaneously learned to honor my own voice. I began to
reject the negative thoughts and replace them with positive
ones. I had to relearn how to trust myself again, because I
had been made to believe that I was incapable of making
good decisions for myself and needed someone to make
them for me.
It will take time, but as you distance yourself from
toxic people you will begin to recognize the negative
thought patterns and begin to change them. Toxic
relationships can take a serious toll on your mental health
and self-confidence. It's vital that you learn how to think in a
healthy way so you can develop confidence. You must learn
to shift your mind from negative to positive.
Pieces of Me
Part 3
I had genetic testing done early on in my pregnancy. The
doctor called me with the results and told me that there was
a high possibility that my son would have Down Syndrome
and they would watch his growth throughout my pregnancy.
I told him the news when he came home, and he told me
that I shouldn’t keep it because most marriages don’t
survive with kids who have special needs. I was disgusted
by his disregard for human life. I didn’t care whether or not I
had to parent this child alone; I knew that I would never get
an abortion. The conversation was never brought up again.
The physical and emotional abuse continued
throughout the pregnancy. One evening, I was feeling in the
mood, and for whatever reason he wasn't interested. He
usually only wanted to be intimate when I didn’t want to be.
I later found out that this tactic is also a form of emotional
abuse called withholding. When I saw that he didn’t want to
be together, I was visibly upset. I don’t remember what I did
or said, but next thing I know I’m being dragged by my hair
across the bedroom floor at seven months pregnant. After
the incident, a patch of hair was missing from the front of
my head and my bra strap was ripped. Once again, I was
shocked and helpless. I was afraid for my life. All the power I
had to stand up for myself was gone. The thought of calling
the cops was the farthest thing from my mind. In the black
culture, we are usually discouraged from calling the police.
Men in uniform are viewed as the bad ones. Maybe this
internalized view of law enforcement was what prevented
me from calling for help.
The next day, I was set to do my final ultrasound before
giving birth. I was upset about what happened and like
usual he never apologized. I was often told that I had to
forgive, because I was a Christian. It’s funny how people
have double standards. They hold other people at a
standard they themselves are unwilling to keep. We went to
that appointment and acted like nothing had happened. By
this time I had had about four ultrasounds. Each time, they
would measure the limbs and other parts of the body to see
if they were consistent with other children who had the
disability. Each time, I would come home with tons of new
pics and uncertain results. This appointment was the same.
I got more ultrasound pictures and was told that he looked
good, but they just wouldn’t be able to tell if he had Down
Syndrome until he was born.
I waited anxiously for my due date. It came and went. I was
miserable and ready. Two days later, around 3am on March
2, 2009, I woke up to intense contractions. I had some mild
ones earlier that day, but they fizzled out by midday. From
having my previous child, I knew these were the real deal. I
grabbed my back and we hopped in the car and headed to
the hospital. Unlike my first child, we had a vehicle this
time.
During my first labor, we walked about a mile and a
half to the bus station, took a 30 minute ride downtown, and
walked about another 10 minutes to the hospital from the
bus stop, all while I was in active labor. After finally being
checked in and getting a room, the nurse checked me and
told me that I was fully dilated. I was shocked when she told
me to start pushing. I had heard horror stories of giving
birth, so naturally I was fearful. The anesthesiologist was
sleeping when I arrived so they had to wake him up. After
waiting for another 45 minutes, he finally came and made
three attempts to give me an epidural. When he couldn’t
get it in, I just told them I would give birth naturally. She
came out in about three pushes on Father’s Day, June 17,
2007. It really wasn’t that bad. I didn’t experience the ring
of fire so many women talk about. I was amazed at the
strength of my own body. I was a mother.
I’ve been told that I have a high pain tolerance. I guess this
is true because when I got to the hospital for the birth of my
son, my second child, I was already 8 ½ centimeters dilated.
I went natural again with no pain medication. When it came
time to push, I pushed about five times and he was stuck. I
was exhausted, so the doctor decided to suction his head to
help him come out. With help, he slid right out. He was as
white as a Caucasian, with a big head and short stubby legs.
My first thought was that he was going to be a midget. Lol.
The best news of all was that he was happy and healthy. He
didn’t have Down Syndrome.
I enjoyed the time in the hospital. Being taken care of
was a treatment I wasn’t used to. I was there for a day when
my ex told me he wanted me to go home. I didn’t want to
because I liked it there at the hospital. I knew as soon as I
got home I would have to start cooking and cleaning right
away. He was so selfish. He couldn’t stand to see me happy
and enjoying myself for a minute. I told him I didn't want to
go, but when he persisted I knew to just agree with him and
go; so that’s what we did. Just as I suspected, he just
wanted me home to be his maid. It was all about him. He
began his controlling behaviors again, telling me when I
could and couldn’t breastfeed my son.
We went to his mother’s house that November for
Thanksgiving. She was elderly and I could tell she never
really liked me. He had this love hate relationship with
women that stemmed from his mother. It was really
awkward. During our time there, we stayed in her room and
she slept in her chair in the living room. He refused to let
me breastfeed my son for about two days straight. I was
engorged and in great pain. I couldn’t sit up and I could
barely walk because the pain was so great from the amount
of milk that filled my breasts. I was angry, but I knew I
couldn’t cross him. I knew his mom would be on his side no
matter what and I didn’t doubt he would hit me in her
presence. I begged him with tears in my eyes to let me feed
my son.
Finally, on the last day we were there he agreed to let
me breastfeed again. I was so happy to have the relief as
my son nursed. I was so engorged that it took a few days of
my son nursing for my breasts to return to normal. That
man was evil. There was no Christ inside of him. He was a
monster...To Be Continued.
 The Shame & Blame Mindset

In order to develop confidence you must overcome a

negative mindset. One unhealthy mindset is shame and
blame. People can get stuck in this mindset when they’ve
been through traumatic experiences they’ve not healed
from. When you're operating in this mindset you carry
around negative energy. You relive the pain you’ve
experienced daily and you struggle with anger, depression,
and sometimes post traumatic stress disorder. How do I
know? I lived this. When you experience trauma, it affects
your mind. The way you view yourself and others becomes
distorted. Many people have had bad things happen to them
that are not their fault such as childhood sexual abuse,
neglect, rape, intimate partner violence aka domestic
violence, adultery, divorce, and more.
Experiencing these things is terrible and can leave
you with unhealed scars. If you don’t learn to heal from your
pain, it will hinder your ability to grow and progress in life.
Don’t allow your past to hold you back from the life that God
wants for you. You don’t have to be a victim of your past.
You don’t have to carry the shame of what others have done
to you. You have the God-given ability to choose and to
change. Below are steps that I have personally used to heal
from my past.
 1) Forgive yourself.

2) Forgive the offender(s).

3) Accept responsibility for your “now”.

4) Seek professional help to overcome your past/pain.

5) Be consistent.
6) Keep yourself in a positive environment/people.

7) Continue to walk out self-love daily.

Forgiveness is a hard one for many. If you don’t have the

right perspective on forgiveness, it seems unjust. If you
don’t understand that forgiveness is about setting yourself
free, then you’ll struggle with it for the rest of your life.
Often times, the people that have abused or betrayed us
have moved on with their lives, while the ones that they’ve
hurt are still suffering from the consequences of their
behavior. People who hold on to bitterness and
unforgiveness can suffer physical ailments and life-
threatening diseases because of the stress resulting from
the trauma.

The Learning & Growth Mindset

The learning and growth mindset is something you must

develop in order to move forward in life. Many times our
way of thinking keeps us stuck in toxic cycles. You have to
develop healthy attitudes and new habits in order to
become a confident woman. The learning and growth
mindset happens when you begin to be proactive and create
solutions for your situation instead of allowing shame and
blame to hinder you. It’s when you assume responsibility for
your future that you take back your power.

You can begin to operate in this mindset through this list of

things to do.

1. Develop a ready to learn attitude. In order to

grow, you must be willing to learn. Don’t be too

proud to take good advice. Listen to wisdom.

2. Seek out understanding and new knowledge.

If you want to go to a place you’ve never been to,

then find someone who’s been there and learn from

them. You can easily find a virtual mentor via

YouTube, podcasts, and blogs. There’s no excuse to

stay in the same place because there are millions of

people in the world with the knowledge to help you

get to your next level.

3. Be honest with yourself. If you want to have

confidence, you must be honest with yourself, who

 you are, your mistakes, and what you want from

life. No one gets to decide your life but you. Don’t

sell yourself short by trying to live someone else’s

dream or copy another person’s life. You deserve a

life that makes you happy. You only get one, so live

it well.

4. Receive constructive criticism graciously.

Many people who struggle with low self-confidence

take everything personally. Realizing that this way

of existing is unhealthy and counterproductive to

growth is necessary. Every person has areas they

can improve upon. The key is to separate who you

are from what you do. Knowing that your value isn’t

dependent on performance but on the eternal love

of God makes everything a little sweeter.

5. Examine and analyze your past and learn from

it. If you don’t learn from the past, you are doomed

to repeat it. You must be willing to face the pain of

your past and find healing if you want to move

forward. The quality of your future depends on the

decisions you make today. Don’t waste your pain;
 let it have purpose. Be willing to learn the lessons

and receive the wisdom of life, so that you don’t

have to repeat them.

Loving The Skin You're In

You can become a confident woman. You don’t have to be

the perfect size, or be in a romantic relationship. Remember
that confidence is birthed from within. If you don’t learn how
to love yourself first, you’ll never be confident because
there will always be something else that you think you need
to achieve in order to attain it.
I remember when I was fifteen. I was 127lbs and I
thought I was overweight. I didn’t like myself and I spent
most of my time seeking attention and acceptance. I
struggled with eating disorders and low self-esteem. I look
back at old pictures of myself and I think I was crazy
because I looked amazing. You see, when you compare
yourself to others you’ll never feel good enough, because no
matter how hard you try, you’ll never be able to be
somebody else.
I had to learn how to love myself regardless of my
weight, skin color, and hair texture. I struggled a lot growing
up because in my mind I wasn’t beautiful. I thought that in
order to be beautiful, I had to be thin with blonde hair and
blue eyes or mixed with light skin, long wavy hair, and a
body like a pop star. It didn’t help that I was a little chunky
with a butt that kids would make fun of. My mom was also
really light-skinned. I used to pray and hope that my skin
would lighten overnight, and that I would be skinny like the
other girls at school. It seemed that everyone had boys
feigning over them except me. I struggled with these
insecurities into adulthood and it has been reflected in all of
my relationships. I settled for men who I didn’t like out of
fear, hoping that maybe, just maybe they’d love me. It turns
out that all I needed to do was love myself.
Through the years, I have learned through trial and
error how to honor and love myself. I have by no means
arrived. It's a daily practice and a life-long journey. What I
have learned I want to share with you in the hopes that you
will find freedom and receive the revelation of how amazing
you truly are. Below are the things I've done and will
continue to do to be a confident woman.
1. Forgive Yourself

In order to be confident I had to forgive myself for

all the mistakes I had made. I couldn’t become
confident beating myself up everyday over all my
regrets. I had to ask myself for forgiveness for
settling for less, so that I could then give myself
permission to have better. This was not a one-time
thing. I had to do this daily sometimes. As you
begin to do this over time you’ll have to do it less
and less, and you’ll find it easier to forgive
yourself.

2. Work with What You Got

You’ll never be confident hoping and wishing you

were somebody else. There comes a time when
you have to accept yourself as you are. If there’s
something you want to change that’s realistic such
as: losing weight, dressing better, or getting a new
hairstyle, then go for it. Just make sure you're
doing it with the right motives. Nothing can make
you more worthy of love; remember your value
comes from God. Improve yourself because you
want to be the best version of yourself, not to
please others. Refuse to believe that you have to
be like somebody else. You are unique and God
created you as you are for a reason, so you might
as well love you.

3. Surround Yourself with Greatness

You can’t be great hanging around small-

minded people. I’ve heard it said that if you
look at your five closest friends, that’s where
you’ll be in five years. It’s vital to watch the
company that you keep, because you’ll
become like those you hang out with the
 most. It may sound terrifying if you’re shy like
me, but you have to branch out and find
people who inspire, elevate, and challenge
you to be better. The bible also has a lot to
say about the friends you hang out with.

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a

friend.
-Proverbs 27:17 (NLT)

Do not be deceived: Bad company corrupts good

morals.

-1 Corinthians 15:33

Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a

furious man do not go,
Lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your
soul.
-Proverbs 22: 24-25

Confidence in an unfaithful man in time of trouble

Is like a bad tooth and a foot out of joint.
-Proverbs 25:19
Chapter 3 Review

Point #1:
Becoming a confident woman starts in
your mind. True confidence isn’t based on
outward circumstances, but on loving and
accepting yourself as you are. The road to
self-confidence takes work and honesty,
but it’s worth it.

Point #2:
Developing a confidence mindset starts
with addressing any negative thought
patterns that you have. You can’t be
confident if your mind is unhealthy.
Address your thoughts and replace
negativity with positivity.

Point #3:
Learning and growing is a part of moving
forward. Becoming the woman you want
to be takes a readiness to acquire new
knowledge, being honest, and the ability
to receive constructive criticism and learn
from your past.

Point #4:
Accepting yourself as you are and
improving yourself will help build your
confidence. You must also learn to forgive
yourself, work with what you have, and
surround yourself with greatness. The
company you keep affects your destiny, so
choose wisely.
4

Creating Healthy Relationships

If you don't learn how to love yourself first, you’ll have

relationships with people who treat you like an enemy more
than a friend
The impact that a single person can have on another's life is
humbling. If you're blessed enough to be surrounded by
loving, caring, trustworthy people, count yourself blessed!
Unfortunately, most people haven't had this experience.
How many people have you let into your life who turned out
to be someone other than who you thought they were? How
many times have you held on to one-sided relationships, out
of fear, that didn't benefit you? So many people have had
their lives disrupted, downgraded, and devastated by
people who they thought they could trust. The best
relationship wisdom I can give you is this: Not everyone
deserves the privilege of your presence.
As you learn to love yourself first, you'll realize the
importance of creating healthy relationships. The longer you
live, the more you'll accept that not everyone has earned a
seat at your table. The first key to having healthy
relationships is to accept the fact that not everyone from
your past is fit for your future. The second key is to make
sure you're walking in your purpose, because if you don't
know who you are, then you won't know who you need. You
must become an expert at knowing yourself. Who am I?
Where am I going? What do I want out of life? After you sit
down with yourself and write down these things, the next
thing you will need to do is stop worrying about what others
think of you. You will never be able to please everyone.
Caring about those who are closest to you and the people
you love is healthy, but worrying about the opinions of
strangers and people who are not a part of your inner circle
is a waste of time. When it comes down to it, only you can
decide what you want and need in your life.

He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the

companion of fools will be destroyed.
-Proverbs 13:20

Another important thing that you must do to create healthy

relationships is become a people watcher. You've heard the
saying, “Actions speak louder than words”. If a person is
true and genuine, then what they say and do will line up.
Ask yourself these questions as you think about the
relationships you already have in your life:
-How do they make me feel?
-Do they celebrate me?
-Do they comfort me when I suffer loss?
-Are they supportive?
-Do they encourage me to be my best self?
-Is my life better because they're in it?
-Are they trustworthy?
-Is the relationship mutual or one-sided?
- What does my gut feeling tell me about this person?
-Can I envision this person in the future I want for myself?

This self-love journey may seem self-centered at first, but

there's no point in having people in your life who hold you
back and make you miserable. How many people do you
know are in long-term relationships with people they don't
like, can't trust, and who bring them down? The people we
allow into our lives should make our lives better. Life is hard
enough without the added frustration of having people in
our lives who only bring us pain. Your journey to self-love
can’t be about anyone else but you. When you learn to love
yourself first, you'll allow people into your life who have
proven that they deserve to be there. Remember that this
takes time. People get into so much trouble because they're
impatient and don't want to wait for things. I'm a living
witness to this.
As you learn to love yourself first, you will begin to
intentionally surround yourself with people that love you
and celebrate you. You deserve to be more than tolerated
by people who say they love you. It may seem hard at first,
but it will get easier as you do it more and more. Your life
will begin to flourish because there will be no one holding
you back from being the greatest version of yourself.
Pieces of Me
Part 4
I stayed for the kids. I was afraid of how they’d suffer if I
wasn’t around. Although he made sure their physical needs
were met, he had a mean streak and would often discipline
the kids way above and beyond what was age appropriate
or humane. I wanted to take pictures of the bruises he left
on their little bodies so many times, but I knew if he ever
found them there would be hell to pay. He would spank
them just for crying sometimes. The first time I tried to
intervene, he told me that he would kill me if I ever got
between him and his children again. The look on his face
told me he was serious.
I was furious so many times. How did I get here? Why was
God allowing this to happen to me? How could he get away
with treating me like this? Did God really hate women and
favor men as it seemed? I wanted to be close to God, but I
was angry at him for allowing this man to mistreat me. If he
was God he could stop it, and he didn’t so he must be okay
with it. How could I get close to a God I thought hated me?
Sometimes we went to church, never for long though. As
soon as we found one I loved he would find something about
it to critique: the music was too emotional, the pastor’s
sermon wasn’t good, or his favorite, I have more knowledge
of the bible than the pastor. He loved to brag and boast
about himself. Too bad he couldn’t see what an arrogant jerk
he was. Everyone he knew was in awe of him and thought
he could do no wrong. Everywhere we went, people who he
introduced me to would sing his praise, stating how I was so
lucky to have him. If they only knew what I knew, but of
course he would never let anyone see that. His true nature
was only revealed to those he knew he could manipulate
and have control over; everyone else was fooled.
His mother thought he was the best thing; of course as
mothers do. I tried to make the best of the few occasions we
were allowed to visit her, as messed up as it was, because
they were the only family I had during that time.
There was one holiday when we visited with the
children and my youngest son was under one at the time
and barely crawling. I don’t remember what got my ex
upset, but he began to embarrass me in front of his mother
and told her personal and intimate details about our
relationship. I was humiliated and wasn’t going to sit there
and let him ridicule me in front of her and our children. I
started gathering my things to leave and he came over and
took away my keys and purse.
It was pouring down rain outside and I don’t think I
even took a jacket with me. I didn’t care. His mother's house
was over four and a half miles from where we stayed, but I
was determined to gather the little self-respect I did have
left and exit stage right. So, on a dark rainy night, on a
holiday that should've been filled with fun and family, I
walked for miles in the dark to get home. It was cold and I
could barely see because the rain was coming down so
hard. I took frequent stops at bus stops to rest and orientate
myself. It took me two and a half hours to get home, my feet
felt like heavy weights, and my body was sore. As I
approached the door, I could see that it was open. He was
there waiting for me. He shook me down roughly like a cop
searching for drugs, then left. He and the children were
gone for three days. I was so relieved to not have to worry
about him. I could rest and be at peace until he
returned...To Be Continued.
 Believe What People Show You
The best advice I've ever heard about relationships is from
the late poet Maya Angelou, "When people show you who
you are, believe them the first time”. I wish that I could say I
heard this advice one time and it stuck. Unfortunately, I've
had to suffer through a lot of pain and a few abusive
relationships before I learned this lesson. As women, we like
to believe that we have the power to love someone into
changing. We think that our love is more powerful than
Jesus. We put ourselves in dangerous places trying to make
people be who we want them to be instead of who they
really are. Let me free you sista: If someone doesn't want to
change, then they won’t, and there is nothing you can do
about it. No amount of ultimatums, bargaining, yelling,
praying, and hoping is enough to change someone who
doesn't want to change. This fact was very hard for me to
accept. Instead of believing what people showed me, I
stubbornly believed that I could force someone to change.
The truth of the matter is: you can think you’re helping
someone when you’re actually hindering them.
I stayed in an extremely toxic relationship for years
thinking that if I forgave enough, was kind enough and
stood by them, they would eventually snap out of it, see me
for the wonderful person I was, and love me in return. The
reality was that the more crap I put up with, the more
forgiving I was; and the more boundaries I allowed them to
break, the more disrespect they showed me and the less
love I received. It won't work sis. You must believe people
when they show you who they are. Learning to release toxic
people is the best gift you can give yourself.

What You Allow Will Continue

Like many lessons, I had to learn this one the hard way. I
once believed that verbally disagreeing with someone's
behavior was enough to stand my ground. I believed that I
was powerless beyond this, and that I had to just accept
other's behavior. What a lie. When you begin to love
yourself first, you will begin to see that you have more
power and influence than you realize. Unfortunately, most
people will do what they can get away with. A speaker I
greatly respect tells the story of how he was a toxic and
immature man when he met his wife. He says that his wife
was the first woman who stood her ground and didn't allow
him to mistreat, control, and manipulate her. She left him
once during dating and once during marriage because he
failed to live up to the standards she knew she deserved.
I’ve never witnessed a man speak so respectfully and
affectionately about his wife the way this man does. He
credits his wife’s no nonsense attitude for helping him
develop into the man he is today.
When it comes to relationships, actions speak louder
than words. When someone continually mistreats you, and
you allow that person to stay in your life, you are condoning
their behavior with your presence. In order to have healthy
relationships you must demand to be treated with a certain
level of respect. You have to overcome your fear of being
rejected and alone. It is far better to be alone and at peace,
than to be surrounded by people who despise and
disrespect you.
People who don’t respect your boundaries or wishes
don’t love or respect you. I don't think that's the type of
relationship any of us want to have. That's not the kind of
relationship that God desires for you to have. As God's
daughter, he wants the very best for you, and you must
come to a place where you want the very best for you too.

Let Them Lose You

As women, we must learn to master our emotions so that
we make decisions based on logic and not fear. One thing
that is helpful is to look at your situation from the outside.
Imagine your best friend being in the same situation, and
then give yourself advice from that place. You have to give
yourself permission to have better, be better, and do better.
Stop placing your happiness in the hands of other people.
Your life is too important to allow someone else to
mishandle it. If someone is unwilling to give you what you
need, you have to be willing to let them go and love them
from a distance. You must learn to love yourself first, if you
ever expect someone else to give you the love you desire.
One reason we have a hard time letting go of unhealthy
relationships is because we're holding on to the slim chance
that one day things might change. How many times does
someone have to be unfaithful to you? How many times do
they need to disrespect you? How many times does
someone have to tell you that they don't want you? We
want to give people the benefit of the doubt, but often times
it ends up coming back to bite us.
You need to see yourself differently. You are loved. You
are valuable. You do deserve the best. When you begin to
see yourself like this, it will be easier to walk away from
people who don't value you. You must refuse to compromise
your dignity and self-respect for another person. People who
deserve to be a part of your life will do what’s necessary to
stay a part of your life. You must understand something:
people who love and respect you won’t constantly violate
your boundaries. You may have to tell a person once, at the
most twice, but after that you're just playing the fool. Trust
me; I have learned the hard way because I'm very stubborn.
People who love you are concerned about your well being
and won't intentionally do things to hurt you. Of course
everyone makes mistakes, but remember that repeated
offenses are choices not mistakes. Shift your thinking and
begin to see losing the people in your life who don’t treat
you right as gain and not a loss.
Picky on Purpose
If you don't learn how to love yourself first, you'll let people
into your life without ever asking yourself if they should be
there.
Being picky is usually seen as a negative thing, but in the
context of choosing the people who you want in your life, it
is a necessary thing. Knowing that you have the power to
choose is an amazing feeling. A lot of people are stripped of
their power because they feel hopeless to change their
situation. They learn to accept whatever life throws their
way. You don't have to live like this anymore. You don't have
to be pessimistic about life because you're afraid of being
disappointed again. God has promised good things for those
who love him. It's time to start believing again. Now let's
take a look at some different examples of incompatible
relationships to see why it's important to be selective in
your relationships.
Example #1:
You are a positive person who always sees the bright side of
life. You thrive on positive energy and inspiring people.
Would it be wise to make friendships with negative people
who are pessimistic about life?
Example #2:
You are a very hard working, ambitious person with big
plans for the future. Would it be a good move to make
friends with someone who has no drive and no goals in life?
Is there a chance they could discourage you? They may
want you to stay on the same level as them because they're
happy there and they think you should be too.
Example #3:
You are a responsible person. You pay your bills on time, and
are good at managing your finances. You're working hard to
get out of debt and save money for retirement. Would it be
smart for you to befriend someone who is financially
irresponsible … a person that frequently maxes out his/her
credit cards, spends money on getting her hair done, and
lives a generally careless life?
Example #4
You are an outgoing, high-energy person. You like to go out
on adventures, travel, meet new people, and try new things
on a weekly basis. While out one day you meet someone
you find very attractive. He seems family-oriented, has a
fulfilling career, and makes good money. However, after a
few dates you find out that he is very reserved, doesn't like
to travel, and avoids meeting new people at all costs. What
do you do? Most people would be optimistic thinking that
they could change that person, and that is possible; but as
people get older they usually get stuck in their ways and
don't want to change. You don't want to end up marrying a
person for who you want him to be, instead of who he really
is.
I hope that you’re beginning to see more clearly why it's so
important to choose your relationships wisely. Many people
have had their lives altered in ways they could’ve never
imagined, all because of the people they allowed in it. Think
about all the people serving prison sentences because they
were with a person who committed a crime. Unfair as it may
seem, you will be affected by the people you allow into your
life. I know some people probably think that it's not that
serious, but those are usually the same people who are
stuck in life because they don't have any goals and have
allowed others to hinder them. They are generally negative
people who haven't accomplished much in life. Sorry, if
that's you. The bible has this to say about the company we
keep:
Don't fool yourselves. Bad friends will destroy you.
-1 Corinthians 15:33 (CSB)
There comes a point in your life where you have to stop
caring what others think of you more than you care about
what you think about you. Unfortunately, some people
never get to a place of self-reflection and change for the
better. What kind of person do you want to be? Is it worth it
to live life, fearing what others think about you? Girl, you
deserve better. You better go get it!
Love is on the Other Side of Fear
If you don't learn how to love yourself first, you'll let the
attitudes and opinions of others control you.
I can't tell you how many times I've been afraid to let go of
relationships out of fear. Maybe it was the fear of being
alone, the fear of failure, or the fear of not being able to find
anyone better. I regret every one of those decisions. The
best decisions I've made in my life have been based on
logic, sound reasoning, and what I intuitively knew was best
for me at the time. Fear is bondage. When you learn how to
make choices aside from your emotions you will discover
that they are some of the best choices that you've ever
made. Emotions have the ability to cloud our judgment and
make us irrational. When we take the emotions out of the
decisions we make, we can see clearly to find solutions.
What choices have you made out of fear? Are you happy
with those choices or do you regret them? Did you know
that you cannot make choices based on love if you are
operating in fear? Here's why.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear,
because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not
been made perfect in love.

-1 John 4:18
According to the scripture above, the choices we make out
of fear will torment us. God created us for peace. Fear is the
opposite of peace, because it creates anxiety and mental
anguish. It may take time, but it's possible for you to live
your life free from fear. I'm still a work-in-progress, but
everyday I'm learning how to be still, so that I can make
sound decisions that I don't have to regret later on down the
road. From now on you can choose the people who you want
in your life from a place of love, self-love. You get to decide
who and what’s best for you. I’m so proud of you. I know
you can do it!
Chapter 4 Review

Point #1:
Not everyone deserves the privilege of
your presence. Your closest relationships
should serve a purpose. They should be
mutually beneficial and good for your
health and well-being.
Point #2:
What you allow will continue. Your
presence condones bad behavior, even
when your mouth condemns it. You teach
people with your actions, not your words.
You must let go of people who are
unwilling to raise their standards.
Point #3:
Believe what people show you, not what
they tell you. People are who they are, and
wishing that they were different won't
change anything. We cannot change
others, but we can change ourselves. Be
willing to let go of relationships that are
not mutual or unhealthy in nature, without
feeling guilty. It’s okay to love people from
a distance.
Point #4:
Care more about what you think about
you, than what others do. You don’t have
time to worry about what other people
think. Keep busy pursuing your goals and
your dreams.
Point #5:
Compatibility is often an overlooked
aspect of relationships. You may want
them to go with you, but can they grow
with you? You cannot allow fear to keep
you tied to people who are not good for
you. You deserve people in your life who
add value to it, and who celebrate you.
Love is on the other side of fear. The
genuine relationships you desire aren't as
far away as you think.
5

Do You Lack Standards?

If you don’t learn how to love yourself first, you'll lower your
standards for people who don't have any
Setting standards for yourself is extremely important
because they let you know what you’re willing to accept.
Standards are like guardrails that protect you from going in
the wrong direction. When you begin to get off course they
help get you back on the right track. Over the years I can
see how I lowered my standards thinking that it would make
a relationship work out. I made excuses for people instead
of requiring them to change. I tried to change myself and
only ended up making matters worse. I have been in
relationships where I thought I could try enough for the both
of us. Boy bye! Ain’t nobody got time for that! I laugh now
thinking about it. As we age I think we have less tolerance
for foolish behavior, because we realize that we don’t have
a lot of time left and we want to enjoy what we do have.
At the age of thirty four, peace is my priority and I’m
unwilling to make exceptions. I’m thankful that I am able to
look back and learn from my mistakes, although it’s sad to
say that many people cannot say the same. I know people
twice my age still doing the same things they did in their
twenties and thirties. There comes a point in life where we
should be learning, growing, and getting better. You can’t
claim ignorance forever.
I remember a dream I had after going through a rough
time in a relationship. I was angry at God for not revealing
things to me that could have kept me out of the
relationship. I was so angry because I thought I did
everything right. In the dream a friend of mine spoke to me
and said, “You may not have known about it then, but now
you do. What are you going to do about it?” When I woke up
from the dream I knew that God was speaking to me
concerning the situation. The dream taught me to take back
ownership of my life. I had to take my power back. You may
not know why God allows certain things in our lives, but you
have to make the decision to get back up. You can’t go back
and change the past, but you have the power to change
right now. I love this quote by C.S. Lewis:
You can go back and change the beginning, but you
can start where you are and change the ending.
You are not asking for too much in your relationships, you
just may be asking for it from the wrong people. Sometimes
we lower our standards thinking that people can’t meet
them, when in reality they refuse to. We think we’re helping
them when we are actually hurting ourselves and robbing
them of an opportunity to grow. Stepping away from the
relationship may be what they really need to face reality
and finally grow up. Please don’t allow a grown adult to
convince you that mutual love, respect, and faithfulness is
too high of a demand. If a wild animal such as a lion or
gorilla can learn to tame their beastly nature and behave in
a gentle way with their caretakers, then a fully grown
human can do what’s needed as well. Do yourself a favor
and hold tight to your standards and expectations. If you
don’t have any, it’s time to get some.
Pieces of Me
Part 5
 Our apartment manager finally had gotten tired of our
neighbors calling the police on us because of the constant
yelling and dishes being thrown against the wall. She gave
us a warning and told us that the next time they were
called, I would have to leave because he was on section
eight before we got married, and was the head of the
household. I thought that was stupid, but what could I do? I
felt helpless yet again.
I had no money because I wasn't working and was in
school full time, plus all of the extra money was taken and
hidden by him. When I got pregnant with our first daughter,
he made me start taking out student loans instead of him
getting a job. My entire life I had avoided debt because I
had witnessed people close to me suffer as a result of it. I
vowed to never get a credit card or owe people money. I
was always good at saving money. Now I was left feeling
completely stupid. He had abused me, taken my money,
and now I was about to be homeless without my children, all
while attending school full time.
The day finally came when the police were called for
the last time and she told me I had a few days to move out.
I was lost and had no place to go. My pride wouldn’t let me
call my mother after being estranged for years because I
didn't want to be seen as a failure. My family didn't even
know I had any children. I hadn’t seen any of them for
years. I especially missed my nieces and nephews because I
was always close to them. They were like my children before
I became a mom.
Through some God-orchestrated event, my ex found a
homeless house for women that I could move to. The only
thing was that it was a recovery home for women who had
been on drugs. I was scared because I didn’t know what to
expect. I didn’t really have other options. The rent was
cheap and it was a safe place to lay my head. I knew that I
wouldn’t be there long, so I agreed.
The first night was the hardest because it was the first
time I’d ever been away from my children. To my surprise,
the women were normal women just like you and me. They
had just made some bad decisions and gotten involved with
the wrong crowd. I even befriended a few of the women,
and although I no longer see them I still think of them
sometimes. There was no phone in the house, so I had to
walk a few blocks to use the pay phone. I remember calling
that night and asking him to talk to the children, but he
wouldn’t let me. I felt hopeless and I wanted to die. I felt
that my children were all I had left in this world and if I
didn’t have them there was no reason for me to live. I
walked back home feeling defeated.
The next day at my school, we were having group
presentations for our end of the semester projects. One of
the groups did a project on children, so in their video
presentation there was nothing but children. I cried on the
inside. No one knew what I was going through. I couldn’t
talk to anyone. I had been so brainwashed that I just
suffered in silence, as usual.
Despite the emotional pain, things started to turn
around for me. I had more freedom than I had in years. I got
a library card and spent most days there doing assignments
and renting books and movies. He also started bringing the
kids by on the weekends. It was at that same time, less than
a month from the time I moved to the shelter, when I began
making plans to get a one bedroom apartment. This
intimidated my ex. I don’t think he expected me to get
myself together so quickly. He started ridiculing and
mocking me about my plans and how I was getting closer to
God. He would curse at me while I did our daughter’s hair
before she left for the week. I would just sit there and sing
praises to God. It made him so furious that he couldn’t get
to me anymore. He couldn’t control me. I had control of my
own money now. I could do what I wanted with my time. I
even got a work study job at the Boys and Girls Club paying
seventeen dollars an hour. It was only part time, but I was
feeling better than I had in years. In a few weeks I would be
in my own place. I would have my privacy again. I could
have my friends over.
In all my excitement I was still concerned about my ex
because I knew he would find out where I lived as soon as
he dropped the kids off. Although I didn’t know how I would
handle him, I was just happy to be getting on my feet.
 While working at the Boys & Girls Club I found out that
my niece and nephew attended there. It had been so long
since I had seen them that I barely recognized them. When I
asked a fellow employee if their names were Deontre &
Avoni and she said yes, I cried. I had missed them so much.
I also reunited with my sister, Nicole, that evening when she
came to pick them up. Shortly after, I reconnected with my
mom. She met her grandchildren for the first time and fell in
love. God was restoring things.
A few weeks after starting my job, I had to quit
because of a life threatening event...To Be Continued.

What Is it Costing You?

If you don’t learn how to love yourself first, you’ll allow

others to mistreat you out of fear of losing them

People appreciate what they have to work for. Just think

about it. If someone gave you a brand new car, you'd
happily take it without thinking of the price. Now imagine
seeing the car of your dreams. It's brand new, shiny, and it
has everything you ever wanted in a vehicle. You don't have
the money up front so you take a second job and work
double shifts. On your days off you drive Uber and save up
for a whole year. At the end of the year you count your
money and discover that you have enough to buy the car
and be debt free. You go to the dealership with a smile on
your face, sign the papers, and the car is yours.
Now, what would you appreciate more: the car that was
given to you, or the car that you had to work hard for and
earn? I know that I would appreciate more the car I worked
for because every time I see it and drive it, I would be
reminded of the price I paid for it. When was the last time
someone had to work for you? Do you require a person,
romantically speaking, to sacrifice for you and demonstrate
his love to you or are you so desperate that you just jump in
head first before you even know who he is? I know I’m guilty
of going all in and asking questions later. As I look back on
both of the toxic relationships I was in, there were already
red flags from the very beginning. In his book, The Father
Daughter Talk, Bishop R.C Blakes says this: “Those playing a
role will eventually forget their part”. In other words, it’s
only a matter of time before a person shows you his real
character. The problem is that we rush into relationships so
fast, that by the time we find out the truth about a person,
our hearts and bodies are already involved. Girl, you need to
stop selling yourself short.
One thing that I've noticed about women is that we
give way too much, too soon, that we end up being taken
for granted, taking advantage of, and just plain used. When
the relationships turn sour we scratch our heads wondering
what went wrong. Usually, a person never appreciated us
because we never taught them how to. It’s like the person
who received the free car and gladly took what was offered,
but the feelings were never mutual. Most of us believe that
people are generally good. We think that because we have
good intentions, others must have them too. However, there
are plenty of people who have no problem using others for
what they can get, and then quickly move on.
How often do you stop to ask yourself in the beginning
what you want out of relationships? How often do you think
about how you will conduct yourself in relationships? Do you
take the time to evaluate whether a relationship is worthy of
your time or not?
For me, I know that I have made assumptions about people
and given credit where it wasn't due.
If you want to have happy, healthy relationships you must
set expectations up front. It cannot be left to another person
to read your mind or know what you want and need. It is
your job, because it is your life! Stop expecting people to
treat you the way you think you deserve to be treated. You
must demand to be treated in a certain way. I'm not saying
that you should be rude and arrogant, but as a human
being, you deserve to have healthy, reciprocal relationships
with people who love and value you. Not having standards
will cost you everything, and everything is too high of a
price to pay. Don’t lose your dignity and your identity trying
to make others love you.
 Letting Go of the Past

For those who feel like they've made too many mistakes,
letting go of the past can be extremely difficult. Reflecting
on the past is beneficial when done with the objective of
learning and growing from it; but replaying it in your mind
out of shame and regret will only lead to mental and
emotional anguish. So many people, including me, have
held themselves hostage to their past mistakes. Long after
the experience is over and others have moved on, they
continue to live with the sorrow and disappointment of their
actions. Please don't do this to yourself. It's tempting to
replay how you think things could have and should have
gone, but in the end, it gets you nowhere. No one has the
power to change the past.
Constantly looking back will only hinder you from
moving forward with your life. Everyone has something they
wish they had done differently. Everyone has something
they wish they could go back to and change. You're not
alone. One thing that really helped me was to see my past
from a different perspective. Instead of viewing my mistakes
through the lenses of shame and regret, I made the choice
to start seeing them as teaching tools. Experience is the
greatest teacher, because some lessons can only be learned
through experience.
Think about a young toddler. He's been walking for a
few weeks and is confident and ready to explore. He goes
into the kitchen and his mother tells him not to touch the
stove because it's hot. He tests her by touching it, only to
find out that it's not hot like she says. What he doesn’t
understand is that it’s only hot when something is cooking
in it. The next day, while his mother is baking cookies, he
excitedly enters the kitchen. His mom reminds him not to
touch the stove because it's hot, and the cookies aren't
ready yet. When his mother looks away, the boy reaches out
his hand to touch the hot stove and burns himself before his
mother can stop him. He screams in pain and his mother
comforts him as she tends to the mild burn. After he is
soothed, she tells the child that he needs to listen to her
and that he should never ever touch the oven again
because she doesn't want him to get hurt.
The boy listens this time because he has felt the pain
of the hot oven. He has learned from his own experience
that touching the hot stove brings pain.
Similarly, sometimes we have to experience the pain of
our choices in order to learn from them. Making mistakes is
a part of being human. It's when we fail to learn from our
mistakes that we suffer the most. Learn to see your
mistakes as learning opportunities instead of failures. You
can do this by asking yourself the following questions:

1. What did the experience teach me?

2. What have I learned about others?

3. What did I discover about myself?

 4. Is there anything I need to change? Why or why
not?

5. Was my experience a result of a lack of self-love?

6. Did I ignore the red flags?

7. Was the experience necessary or could it have been

prevented?

Choosing to view your past in this way redirects your mind

from the blaming and shaming mindset I described in
chapter three, in relation to the learning and growing
mindset. Developing the learning and growth mindset is
helpful for all situations because it teaches you to be
proactive and solution-oriented. It moves you from a victim
mentality to a victorious one. Many people are stuck
because they fail to take responsibility for their own life.
Don’t live like this. Empower yourself by taking ownership of
your life and giving yourself permission to move beyond
your past.
 Face Your Fears

At the heart of our lack of self-love is fear. I believe most of

us fail to enforce the standards we say we have, because
we're afraid that the people we want in our lives won't
honor them. I’ve lived my whole life based on fear and let
me tell you, it’s miserable. You'll either choose to walk by
faith and believe that God has the best for you, or you'll
continue to settle for less and be unhappy. Learning how to
overcome things that hold you back is how you grow.
Confronting your fears is the only way to be free of them
(Wow! I think I just set myself free. Lol).
What would that look like? How would it feel to enforce your
standards only to have the people you care about decide
that they’re too high and leave your life? Sit there and feel
that for a moment. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be
disappointed. It’s okay for someone to not want to be a part
of your life. We must stop living our lives running from
emotional pain and rejection, and with fear of losing people
and relationships that will hurt us more in the end. If
someone decides that our bar is too high, that’s okay, don’t
lower them. Do you really want a relationship like that
anyway? Is that the kind of relationship you dreamed of as a
little girl? I think not!
The fact is that as long as we are here on this earth,
people will enter and leave our lives. People we thought
would be with us “to the bitter end”, as a friend of mine
used to say, betray us, or for one reason or another end up
leaving our lives. Yes, I know it hurts, but did you die
though? (Seriously). We can be so dramatic sometimes
thinking we can’t live without people, but let me tell you,
the only one you don’t want to live without is God. The bible
says he heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
He says that he will never leave us or forsake us. He said
that even if our mother and father forsake us, he would lift
us up. Now tell me you don’t need love like that. You don’t
have to be broken. You don’t have to be lonely. You don’t
have to be miserable. God is ever present and he’s given us
the strength to overcome our fears.
 Birthing Boundaries

What is it that you want to attract: Your dream job, good

friends, maybe a life-long love? Well, what are you doing
right now to prepare yourself for what you say that you
want? You didn’t think it was just going to fall on your lap
did you? One of my goals is to attract positive, genuine,
trustworthy people into my life who I can build lifelong
relationships with. In order to have these kinds of people in
my life, I have to set up boundaries to keep the wrong ones
out. When you know what you want, then you know what
you are unwilling to accept. It’s so important to know
yourselves, ladies.
Be leery of anyone who is uncomfortable with you
exercising your independence. This is a setup for an abusive
relationship. Healthy people who care about you will have
no desire to control you, because they understand that
people flourish in freedom. It takes a wise and mature
person to think like this, and this is the type of person you
want in your life.
A boundary is like a door. Boundaries block the people you
don’t want and give access to the people you do want in
your life. Take the time to write down what you want from a
relationship. What boundaries do you have in place to
ensure you get what you are asking? Let’s say you want a
man who is faithful and trustworthy. Mutual boundaries
could be: No flirting with others, and transparency in your
relationship. Boundaries can’t be one-sided. Relationships
are meant to be mutual. Mutuality demonstrates respect. If
someone expects something of you that they are unwilling
to give, then they don’t respect you. The late Aretha
Franklin was correct in demanding R-E-S-P-E-C-T, because
without it you cannot have real love.
A boundary is not a boundary if it can be broken. You
must be so committed to them that you are willing to ride
solo if you have to. Many people say that they have
boundaries, but when the time comes to enforce them they
crumble. Are you willing to compromise who you are for the
company of other people? I don’t like being around people
who smoke. I’m very sensitive to the smell and I feel like I’m
suffocating. So one of my unwritten rules was to never be
with people or places where smoke is present. When I was a
teen, I met a boy who I really liked. He was one of my
brother’s friends. We started spending time together and
eventually started dating. We dated on and off for about
four years before we called it quits. I saw him smoking after
that, which I thought was odd since I had known him for
years and had never seen him smoke. He revealed to me
that in one of our first conversations I told him that I didn’t
like guys who smoke, so he immediately stopped.
People who want to be in your life will happily rise to
your level if they really value you. The key word is value.
Ladies, some of us have never given any man a chance to
value us, because we gave up everything too soon and
didn’t require anything from them. What makes something
valuable is its price, how rare it is, or how much someone
wants it. If a teenage boy can respect a boundary I had
when I was fifteen, so can the men or other people who
“say” they want to be in your life. Be willing to ride solo if
someone is unwilling to raise his bar to meet you on your
level.
Chapter 5 Review

Point #1:
Boundaries are vital because they keep
unwanted guests out, and let the ones you
do want in. Lowering your standards is
counterproductive and will only lead to
regret.
Point #2:
You’re not asking for too much, you’re just
asking for it from the wrong people. The
people who value you will gladly give you
what you need without it feeling like a
struggle.
Point #3:
Having no boundaries is dangerous and
will set you up for abuse and
mistreatment. People value things that
cost them something. A man must be
willing to do the work to get you and keep
you.
Point #4:
You will have to face the fear of rejection if
you want to have healthy relationships.
God’s love is the only love we can’t live
without. You must learn to be happy in
your own company, because there’s no
guarantee that the relationships you want
will always be there. You must learn to be
okay with people coming and going from
your life; the right ones will stay.
6

Girl, Go Get Your Healing

If you don't learn how to love yourself first, you'll go from
one relationship to the next, without ever giving yourself
permission to heal
Dealing with toxic people takes a lot of energy. Recovering
from someone who is toxic can take months and sometimes
even years. We’ve discussed toxic relationships with others,
but what do you do when you have a toxic relationship with
yourself? On this journey of life, we should be our greatest
ally, but sadly, this isn't always the case. Growing up in a
broken home, developing a broken identity, and being in
broken relationships break us. The same way a baby who
lacks the nutrients it needs has its growth stunted, we too
become stunted in our ability to make rational choices
regarding love and relationships, which in turn affects our
ability to like ourselves. We begin to see our mistakes as a
reflection of who we are instead of the bad choices we
made.
Most people aren't friends with those they don't like. When
you don't like yourself, you'll participate in self-sabotaging
behaviors, using things like relationships, people-pleasing,
and material possessions as a cover-up. In the end, none of
these things will bring you the joy and acceptance you
desire. You must learn to forgive yourself, value yourself,
and love yourself, because you were created for love. Again,
once you accept that you were created and are loved by
God, it will be easier for you to love and value yourself. He
says this about you:
The LORD your God wins victory after victory and is always
with you. He celebrates and sings because of you, and he
will refresh your life with his love.
-Zephaniah 3:17 (CEV)
Pieces of Me
Part 6
I loved my job and I hated that I had to quit, but I was so
terrified. I just wanted to hide and never be found. I had just
gotten off work that evening. I was so happy and filled with
joy. It was also our one year wedding anniversary. I was
excited when I saw our family car in the recovery home
driveway when I got home that night. Things were going
well, so I thought he was there to take me on a date to
celebrate; silly me. I didn’t even stop to check in with the
ladies like I normally did. I got inside the car without a
second thought, and as soon as I saw the look in his eyes I
knew that I had made a big mistake. When I tried to open
the car door to get out, he slugged me in the mouth and
held my door closed with one hand and drove off with the
other.
After speeding off, he drove recklessly through the
streets swerving and threatening to drive the car into
people’s homes and off a cliff. An unexplainable heavenly
peace came over me at that moment and I was no longer
afraid. I had gotten so close to God and I trusted that he
would take care of me. I could tell that it angered him to
know that I was no longer afraid of him. I told him to his face
that I wasn’t scared of him anymore and that I trust God.
The hate he had for me filled his eyes. I knew he didn’t want
to hear any of it. The “Christian” man I met years earlier
was nowhere to be found. I don’t think he ever existed at all.
It was just an act. No God-fearing person could treat another
human being the way this man had treated his family.
The entire time he drove I was perplexed that I hadn't
seen any people I could signal for help. It was a cold chilly
winter night, so I guess it’s not that surprising. I waited for a
cop car to pull up behind us at any moment, but none ever
came. When we came to a quiet residential area, I thought I
should try to escape because this man had hell in his eyes
and I probably wouldn’t survive till morning. I screamed
hoping someone would hear me. Every time I reached for
the door he would grab it and hold it closed. I tried to pry his
big muffin hands from the door but his 6' 1", 300lb frame
was too strong for me. No one heard me.
His merciless threats continued and I was exhausted.
He drove from one neighborhood to the next, swerving back
and forth. Finally, he lost control of the vehicle and crashed
my side of the car into a brick wall. How convenient. I was in
shock. I had just been in a wreck and adrenaline was blazing
through my veins. After the crash, we both exited the car
unharmed, by the grace of God. We were alone on the
street, the car smoking. He looked at me with pity in his
eyes and said that he was scared and didn’t want to lose
me. Well, you sure have a sick way of showing it, I thought
to myself. For a split-second, I almost felt sorry for him. I
looked at him one last time knowing that if I stayed I would
probably be dead the next time. I took off running and didn't
look back. I eventually found my way back to the recovery
home. When I got there I told the house manager what had
happened. She told me that I should call the police. I was
hesitant at first, but I finally got the guts and called. They
came over, made a report, and took me to his house to get
the kids. He was arrested.
The court put a two year no-contact order in place,
and I eventually filed for legal separation. I thought God
would punish me for getting a divorce. Thankfully, my ex
requested it be turned into a divorce and after much drama,
slander, and false accusations, I was a free woman. I don’t
have time to recount everything that man put me and my
children through. All I know is that I’m free, and I thank God
that I’m finally free!
Whew chile! I went through so much with that fool.
Looking back, I see the signs more clearly. I wish I could go
back and change things, but that’s not how it all works.
When I first escaped, I blamed myself a lot. How did I let this
happen? Why this and why that? I have come to understand
that people who abuse others are very intentional and
crafty. They know exactly what they’re doing and they plan
it from the start. Abusers get away with their abuse by
blaming their victims and making them think the abuse is
their fault. If you are being abused or are seeing red flags in
your relationship, please run as fast as you can. Abusers
rarely change. You’ll just end up hurt or maybe even dead.
Please don't stay because of children, finances, or out of
fear. Make a plan. Contact an abuse hotline or organization.
Get out!
 Let me say this again: there is zero to slim chances of an
abuser changing. I remember speaking to an advocate who
worked with abused women for over 25 years. I asked her
how many men she knew who had changed during that
time. Out of the thousands of women she had counseled,
she had only one report of an abusive partner actually
changing his way. I know you think your situation is special. I
know you think that you're the one out of three-thousand.
You're not and you deserve better!
 In retrospect, if I had learned how to love myself first, I
would have never given my ex the time of day. Remember
that day in Denny’s when he told me that “God” told him I
was his wife? Well, if I can rewrite my story, the
conversation would be this way:

Him: Yeah! God told me you’re my wife. I’ve been praying

for you.
Me: Naw n---a, I don’t even know you (Eye roll). That sounds
like some serial killer ish to me. I don’t even like you. Your
wife is out there somewhere because it sure ain’t me. Now
I’m gonna get up out of this seat and if you try and follow
me or contact me again I will get a restraining order! Now
thank you for the meal. I bid you good day, sir. (Boom! Mic
drop)

If you don't learn to love yourself first, your

desperation will cause you to invite people into your life who
were never meant to be a part of it.
 The 3 “A’s” of Healing
Healing is a non-negotiable part of learning to love
yourself first. And, you can go about finding healing in
various ways. Apostle David Davis from The Greater Life
Church in Lakewood, Washington says: “You can’t be healed,
if you don’t be real”. Surely, honesty is the first step in
finding healing. As for me, one of the ways I’ve found
healing is through what I coined, “The Three A’s of Healing:
Acknowledgment, Acceptance & Advancement.
 Acknowledgment
Something is broken. It's hard to admit this because most of
us grew up being strong out of necessity, not something we
chose to be. It was a survival instinct. Admitting that there is
something inside of you needing repair can make you feel
vulnerable. Once I was able to overcome shame and
acknowledge that I needed healing, I was able to address
the parts of me that needed mending. I found out that I
struggled with the fear of rejection and fear of being
abandoned. These fears caused me to become a people
pleaser and extremely self-critical. It was easier for me to
blame myself, because I could always fix myself. Admitting
that the people I loved had hurt me and were unwilling to
take responsibility for it was devastating; but once I learned
to place the responsibility back where it belonged, which is
the other person, it became empowering. It was freeing to
no longer beat myself up for the things that others did to
me. With the help of a therapist and a lot of personal work, I
was able to move forward.
 Acceptance
After the acknowledgment phase comes the acceptance. In
this step you take responsibility for any role, if any, that you
played. This isn’t about blaming, but about taking back
control of your life. It’s empowering. As you look back at
your experience, was there something you could’ve done?
No, we cannot control the actions of others. If someone
wants to hit you, then that's what he’s going to do. What
you do after the event is what's important. Again, this is not
about placing blame, but about empowerment.
If abuse happened when you were a child, please know
that it was not your fault. It is not your responsibility to bear
the shame of what others have done. In this case you will
simply need to accept that other people hurt you, it was
wrong, and as a child you were powerless to do anything
about it. Give yourself permission to live free from the pain
of your past experiences. Please remember that abuse is
never the victim's fault; however, if you are an adult and
decide to stay with someone who abuses you, then you are
not loving yourself. You are subconsciously approving the
other person's behavior by staying in a relationship with
them. This was hard for me to accept at first, but looking
back I can see how staying in a toxic relationship sent the
wrong message. Think about a mother and a child. The child
frequently throws tantrums to get what she wants. The
mother tells the child that she won't get it if she throws a
tantrum, but instead of following through, the mother gives
in and gives the child what she wants. Her example speaks
louder than her words, and the child learns that throwing a
fit will get her what she wants. This same thing happens in
our relationships. We forget that people learn from our
actions and not just our words. If words and actions don't
line up, they mean nothing.
Additionally, red flags are often seen early on before our
hearts get involved. Our intuition may tell us something is
off, a family member may say they don’t have a good
feeling about a person, or maybe the person shows you they
have a temper. Whatever the signs and whatever your
reason for ignoring them, they will cost you. You can't go
back and change what was done to you or the things that
you allowed, but you can begin to take your power back
through acceptance. This process would look something like
this:
You: I stayed in a toxic relationship because I thought that
he loved me. I didn't know that I was condoning his toxic
behavior with my presence, and that was not loving myself.
Now I realize that I should never allow someone to mistreat
me, no matter what. People who love me will not
intentionally hurt me.
I should've loved myself enough to leave the relationship
when I knew that it was no longer good for me. I forgive
myself for staying. I forgive myself for allowing others to
mistreat me.
From now on, I will do the work of learning how to love and
value myself, so that I can teach others how to love and
value me too.
 Advancement
The next phase is advancement. This is where you begin to
thrive in spite of your experiences. You can allow healing
into your life by speaking the truth over the lies that make
you believe you're not good enough.
Examples:
Lie #1: It's too late for me, I'll never find love.
Truth: I may have made mistakes, but it's never too late. I
deserve love. I was created for love. I allow love into my life.
It is mine. I will have it.
Lie #2: I will always end up in bad relationships. I should
stop trying.
Truth: I was created for relationships. Good people are
coming into my life to stay. I will never give up on the
healthy love and relationships I desire to have. I will work on
myself while I'm waiting.
Lie #3: I'll never be happy.
Truth: I was meant to enjoy my life and be happy. I will never
stop pursuing my own peace and happiness. I have a future
and a hope given to me by God.
When you begin to shift your focus from the pain of the past
to the promises of the future, your life will start to come
together. Take back the pen of your life and write yourself a
new story. To get to this point, it may be necessary to get
some counseling or see a therapist. You need a place to
release your pain, a safe person to help you make sense of
the things you've experienced. I’ve been to therapy several
times in my life and let me tell you, I’ve never regretted a
second of it. Sometimes friends can be well meaning, but
you may need a professional to help you see clearly and
gain a new perspective. I also recommend finding a creative
outlet for your emotions such as journaling, painting, poetry,
music, or dancing. Anything you enjoy doing can be
therapeutic and can help relieve stress. In this phase, you
realize that the things meant to break you have only made
you stronger. Shame has no place in this space. You’re doing
the work and you’re getting better day by day.
 Discovering Your Worth
What makes a person worthy? What makes a person
valuable? Are we worthy based upon the way we look? Is
our worthiness based upon the things we possess, or our
accomplishments? The answer to this question will differ for
each person you ask. According to God, you are worthy
because you were created and are loved by him. If you let
the world tell you that you're not good enough because
you're not the right size, color, or you weren't born into the
right family, you'll never learn to love yourself. If your worth
is based upon outward appearances, then you are doomed
to a life of unhappiness because there will always be
someone prettier, smarter, and who has more money than
you. You will always find a need to compare yourself to
others, and it will never be enough. Just ask all the famous
people who have committed suicide over the years. If
money, fame, and beauty were enough, then the people in
Hollywood would be the happiest people in the world.
The point I'm trying to make is this: you can't base
your worth on temporary things. Believing you are worthy is
a choice; it's an act of faith. You don't need anyone to
validate it. You don't need another person to agree with you.
You only need to stand in agreement with yourself, believing
you are worthy of all the good things that life has to offer
you. It doesn't matter if you're twenty pounds overweight or
at your weight goal. It's not dependent on you having your
dream job or you working at McDonald's. It's that inner
confidence of knowing that you bring something undeniably
unique and beautiful to this world. Refuse to allow
unworthiness to stop you from living the life you deserve.
 Self-Love Everyday

Learning to love yourself first is a lifelong journey. You won't

always get it right, but as you continue to learn and grow,
you will get better and better at setting boundaries, giving
yourself what you need, and asking for what you want. It's
really an exciting process when you think about it. Most
have lived their lives waiting for others to give them what
they want, like flowers from their secret crush on Valentine’s
Day, or a special gift from a significant other on their
birthday. There's nothing wrong with people doing things for
you. The key is not to solely depend on them, because
people will eventually disappoint you in one way or another.
When you learn how to be happy, independent of
other people, then the sting of disappointment will have
little to no effect on you. Self-love is freeing because the
only person you need to be happy is you. Everything else is
just icing on the cake.
My life has not been easy and I’ve overcome many
challenges, but the most rewarding thing that I’ve ever done
is learn to love myself first. Learning to love yourself takes
the pressure off of your relationships and gives you the
ability to love others from a place of abundance instead of
emptiness. So how do you practice self-love everyday? You
take the knowledge, wisdom, and tips you’ve learned in this
book and apply them to your life. These include:
 - Creating boundaries for all of your relationships;

- Having standards that you live by;

- Holding others accountable for their actions, including

yourself; - Having mutually beneficial relationships that

bring peace and joy to your life; - Taking care of your

mind, body, and spirit by giving it what it needs daily; -

Respecting your need for downtime by not planning too

many activities into your day or overextending yourself;

- Letting go of toxic people and relationships, so that

you can grow and flourish; - Allowing yourself to heal by

getting counseling;

- Not jumping too quickly into another relationship;

- Engaging in therapeutic activities that you enjoy;

- Believing in yourself enough to invest in yourself, and

pursuing your dreams; and - Continuing to better

yourself through reading books, getting a coach, and

mentorship.
These are just a few ways you can practice self-care
everyday. You are a unique individual, so you will need to
tailor these examples to fit your life. You will also need to
add things to this list as you change and discover more
about yourself. I'm so proud of the work you've done in this
book. I know that your life will get better, and you'll become
the woman you are meant to be. Apply these principles and
have faith in yourself. Also, don't be too hard on yourself.
You're only human. Lasting change takes time. Don't give
up. The world needs you. Never be afraid to shine bright.
You’ll never know who needs your light.
 Worth the Wait

You are worth waiting for. True love is worth waiting on.
Building healthy relationships are worth the effort.
Becoming your best self is worth the work that's required to
make it come to pass. There are two ways that you can
learn in life: One is by making the mistakes yourself; the
other is to learn from the mistakes of others. There are
enough people in the world who have already made the
mistakes for you, so why waste time? Many people fail to
learn from their mistakes because they never stop long
enough to evaluate what went wrong and how to prevent it
from happening again. Don't be one of those people. Others
fail to learn because they are too stubborn, or find it hard to
hear from the person trying to help them. I was like that.
Don't be like me. One piece of wisdom I can give you about
learning from the mistakes of others is this: Never let the
messenger hinder the message.
There's something that you can learn from every person.
Everyone has some type of wisdom that they can share to
help others. A drug addict can warn you about the dangers
of using recreational drugs. A teenage mother can
encourage young girls to respect themselves and save
themselves for marriage. You can learn by making mistakes,
or you can learn from heartache. Which one will you
choose? Be humble enough to listen and wise enough to
know when God is trying to teach you. Take what you need
and leave what you don't.
 I know that waiting can be hard because you feel like
you're missing out on something. Sometimes the only thing
you're missing out on is the pain that God is trying to save
you from. There's a time for everything. If you have to wait
longer than you think you should, it is for a reason and you
must trust God. Don't try to make things happen on your
own.
You are worth the wait. Real love and healthy relationships
are worth waiting on. Work on yourself, build your dreams,
and create the life you've always dreamed of. Become the
woman that you've always wanted to be. With God, nothing
is impossible. I believe in you. God believes in you. Take a
look in the mirror and start believing in yourself. The world
is waiting for you too. Love Yourself First!
Chapter 6 Review

Point #1:
The 3 “A’s” of Healing are:
Acknowledgment, Acceptance, and
Advancement. You must be willing to face
your pain, accept any responsibility you
have, and advance by moving toward your
future with faith and hope. Healing is an
essential part of your journey. Give
yourself the space and tools you need to
heal, so you can be your best self.
Point #2:
You must begin to see yourself as worthy.
You were created by God and He loves
you. God’s love is what gives you worth
and value. His love can never be taken
away. It is eternal. Understanding and
accepting God’s love for your life will
make it easier for you to love yourself.
Point #3:
Self-love is not a one-time act, but
something you must practice and perfect
on a daily basis. Daily self-love is easy to
practice once you begin to believe in your
own worth. You won’t be perfect, but
never give up on loving, learning, and
growing into the woman you want to be.
Point #4:
Love is worth the wait. Don't be in a hurry
to jump into relationships. Learn from your
own mistakes and the mistakes of others.
Work on yourself while you wait. You were
created for good things and they will find
you at the right time.
 Self-Love Affirmations
When you learn how to love yourself first, you’ll find a new
world of opportunity begin to open up for you. The
affirmations written below are powerful tools to use on your
self-love journey. Speak these life-giving words over yourself
daily, memorize them, write them down, and develop your
own. I am so proud of the work you’ve done and the woman
you are becoming. Remember to be patient with yourself,
and never forget that you are not alone. You deserve the
best!

I am enough.
I am whole.

I am healed.
I have peace.

I am worthy of love.

I lack no good things.

I have everything I need to be happy.

I forgive myself for all my past mistakes.

I forgive myself for allowing others to mistreat me.

I forgive myself for mistreating myself.

I will be honest with myself, even when it hurts.

I accept myself just as I am.

What I want and need is important.

My body is beautiful.

My mind is brilliant.
Everyday I am taking steps to improve myself.

I am focused & motivated.

I am surrounded by blessings.

I am kind & generous.

I have lots to offer.

I have something to smile about.

I deserve nothing but the best.

I am an amazing woman.

I am fearless.

I am strong and confident.

I will accomplish all my goals & dreams.

I will not be afraid of failure.

I will never give up.

I will never stop trying.

I will not be afraid to ask for the help I need.

I willingly receive God's blessings.

 I will partner with people of purpose.

My life matters.

God has good things in store for me.

My future is bright.

I have what it takes to make it & look good while doing it.

I will be genuine and authentic.

I have unlimited potential.
The only thing that can stop me is me.
 The 10 “I’s” of Self-Love

You are worthy and deserving of love. Use these statements

daily to remind yourself of your worth and value. Write them
down somewhere you can see them. Remember, there is
power in your words. Don’t be afraid to use them!

1) I will love myself first, because I can’t pour from an

empty cup. It’s the only way I can love God and others.
2) I will hold others accountable for their actions without

guilt or fear of rejection, because those who deserve to

be in my life will treat me right.

3) I will allow people into my circle who have proven they

deserve to be there, because who I allow into my life

will affect it for better or worse.

4) I will be patient with myself and forgive myself for any

mistakes I've made, because unforgiveness hinders

creativity and my ability to grow.

5) I take responsibility for my own life and I will not make

excuses for myself or others, because the only person I

 am responsible for is me.

6) I will never stop pursuing self-improvement, growth,

and healing, because in order to be happy I must be

whole.

7) I will not allow toxic thoughts, people, or environments

to control me, because I choose to thrive and live a

positive life.

8) I will not allow disappointments or setbacks to throw

me off course, because I have a purpose, and every

roadblock is just another stepping stone to my success.

9) I give myself permission to be the person God created

me to be without fearing rejection from others, because

the world doesn’t need another counterfeit. It needs

me. I need me!

10) I will find something about myself to celebrate daily,

because I must be my biggest fan and greatest

encouragement.

God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break
of day.
-Psalms 46:5
 Hello Today
Yesterday I was abused, but today I refuse; hello today.
Yesterday I survived, but today I’m gonna thrive; hello today.

Yesterday I fell, but today I’m gonna rise; hello today.

Yesterday I felt like nothing, but today I know I’m something;

hello today.

Yesterday I was broken, but today I know God’s still working;

hello today.

Yesterday I was hurt, because I didn’t know my worth; hello

today.

Yesterday I cried, but I didn’t die; hello today.

Yesterday is gone, it hurt like hell, but I’m still standing

strong; hello today.

Sometimes I dread you, wishing I could just go back to bed

too; hello today.

I know they say everyday that your mercies are new,

but sometimes I struggle to believe in you.

Yeah, I said it… sometimes I still struggle to believe in YOU!

Hello today!
Life is hard! It comes with good and lots of bad, but today I

choose joy over just feeling sad; hello today.

I choose not to be defeated,

I pick myself up off the ground, sweaty hands, bruised and

bleeding.

Now I know we haven’t always been best friends, but I’m

gonna celebrate, because this is not how my story ends;

hello today.

You see, I refuse to give up on you.

I will put on wisdom before I rise up to meet you; hello

today.

Now I know today, that you’ll never be perfect, but I just

wanted to say, Today! ... You're still WORTH IT!

 Resource List Phone Numbers:
1. The National Domestic Violence
Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Websites:
1. joinonelove.org
2. loveisrespect.org
3. thehotline.org
Suggested Books:
1. Queenology by R.C. Blakes
2. You’re a Diamond by Krystle
Laughter
3. Keeping the Faith: Guidance for
Christian Women Facing Abuse by
Marie M. Fortune
4. The Father Daughter Talk by R.C.
Blakes
5. Unholy Charade: Unmasking the
Domestic Abuser in the Church by
 Jeff Crippen & Rebecca Davis
6. Why Does He Do That: Inside the
Minds of Angry & Controlling Men by
Lindy Badcroft
7. Make it Work by Tony Gaskins
8. A Woman’s Influence By Tony &
Sheri Gaskins
Music:
1. All Things New by Krystle Laughter-
Parker