Caring for Infants With Respect by Magda Gerber
Caring for Infants With Respect by Magda Gerber
By Magda Gerber
Summary and Notes written by Lily Talley
The author, Magda Gerber, is a child therapist, lecturer and consultant on infant care. She co-founded and has directed
Resources for Infant Educarers in Los Angeles. This book summary will discuss her primary goal of teaching us how to care for
infants in a gentle and loving way.
Introduction
• At RIE we urge parents to relate, observe, and enjoy what their babies are doing, noticing and enjoying new skills as
they develop naturally.
• A parent’s role is to provide a secure and predictable environment. You don’t have to buy more fancy gadgets. You and
your infant can just exist and enjoy each other as your relationship develops. The misleading thing about this is that it
sounds so easy. But it isn’t, because in our society we are bombarded with messages to buy this and teach that.
• Our motto is, “Observe more, do less.” What we are trying to impart is a quality of experience- a way of relating that
can be used at all levels of growth.
• Long-term learning is a slow process. I hope parents will let go of the belief that, unless they help or teach them,
infants will not learn motor skills soon or well enough.
• I hope parents will learn to relax and observe their babies and enjoy seeing new miracles happening all of the time. I
hope children will grow up with less anxiety, more confidence and more security.
• We should educate while we care and care while we educate. “Educarer” and “Educaring” are used to describe this
philosophy.
• Respect is the basis of the RIE philosophy. We not only respect babies, we demonstrate our respect every time we
interact with them.
• Respecting a child means treating even the youngest infant as a unique human being, not as an object. For example,
we show respect by telling the infant we will pick them up before we actually do and by talking directly to him and not
over him, and by waiting for the child’s response. Such respectful attitudes help to develop an authentic child.
• The overall goal is to help the child become authentic. An authentic child is one who feels secure, autonomous, and
competent.
It’s important to communicate wit the child. Once you have the infant’s attention, tell him you want to do something together.
Gently take any toys or objects out of his hands, explain what you are dong, and tell him you want to pick him up now. Reach
out and wait for a response. Explain and show your infant what you are doing, step by step. Slow down. In order for your baby
to have time to truly participate, everything should be “slowed down.”
At RIE, we believe that babies should not be taught because it usually interferes with learning. The less we interfere with the
natural process of learning, the more we can observe how much infants learn all the time. We believe that infants always do
what they can do, what they want to do, what they are compelled from inside to do. How do adults dare believe they know
what an infant is ready to learn at any particular moment? According to Jean Piaget, “When you teach a child something, you
take away forever his chance of discovering it for himself.”
• Whenever you restrict an infant from doing what he could and would do naturally, you are telling the child that you
know what’s good for them. But you may not know.
• If you teach something a child is not ready for, that child may feel, “I don’t quite know what is expected of me, but
whatever I do is not appreciated. “
• We do not teach infants how to move, because we believe each baby knows much better. We don’t need to invent
exercises for them. They learn to follow their instincts and to trust their own judgment.
• Infants accomplish mastery by endless repetitions, continuing the same activity over and over again, long after adults
may have lost interest. When an infant repeats an action many, many times, he is not bored.
• Play provides an outlet for curiosity, information about the physical world, and a safe way to deal with anxiety and
social relationships.
• The best thing to teach a young baby is everyday life. Examples include: “You seem thirsty. Would you like this drink?”
“Let’s put your shirt on. Are you ready to put your arm in the sleeve?” “The street isn’t safe. I cannot let you run after
your ball.”
We believe that babies derive security not only from being near their parents but also from being allowed to explore their
environment freely on their own. For the first two months, babies’ most valuable play objects are their own hands and their
parents’ faces. A scarf also makes a great toy. You can create safe boundaries by using a gate, which gives infants freedom to
move and explore in safe and familiar surroundings.
A baby can learn to spend time by himself. It is important for him to discover satisfaction and joy in his own independence.
Children who have learned to rely on being simulated, manipulated and entertained by adults may lose their capacities to be
absorbed in independent, exploratory activities. Infants don’t need constant attention. They do need to be safe and secure.
The reality of human life is that every child has to eventually separate and become his own person. This is a gradual process.
Parental attitudes can make it easier or more difficult. To accept and enjoy the present, at every developmental stage, makes it
easy. “Observe and wait” is a great principle. It’s possible to deprive the child of a chance to learn how to handle a situation, to
learn by doing, and experiencing the joy of mastery. Let your baby be the initiator and problem solver.
To be always needed, always available, can drain any parent’s energies. You must let the child develop his own rhythm; and
then later he can adjust more into adult life. The more you invest in those first early years of parenting, the easier your life
could be later on. You won’t have to be a slave to a child who has been raised with aware, respectful attention. It can be
difference between nagging, neglected (withdrawn or aggressive) children and those who will make it in life independently,
with strength and self-confidence.
Regularity and predictability help babies develop their inner rhythms of sleeping, eating and alertness. It is best if babies
spend the first six to eight weeks undisturbed in their own environment at home and for parents to give themselves time
without extra activities. If at all possible, try not to interrupt the baby’s patterns by taking him to do errands.
Allow the infant to develop his biological rhythm first and then slowly ease the infant into the life of the family.
To talk to your baby from the first hour of her life is not only pleasant and soothing to the baby, it can be a relief for you, the
parent, to say how you feel and what you want. It is also the beginning of a lifetime of communication. Rather than teach
language purposefully to your baby, communicate, listen and read your baby’s cues. Then simply talk to her as though she
understands.
Young babies are more comfortable, freer to move, when placed on their backs rather than on their stomachs. Newborn babies
usually do not keep their heads up, and, for that reason, do not feel comfortable on their stomachs. And because they cannot
hold their heads up, they cannot look around, and their visual field is limited to the patch of blanket in front of them.
Babies may learn several things through one action. The sensation of dining his thumb can be called eye-hand-mouth
coordination and can also be considered the forerunner of play. Doctors seldom have time to observe how a baby moves
naturally, and instead look at “milestones” to get a general idea of where a baby falls on the average curve of development.
There is no one single point at which infants “should” reach these milestones.
Many babies cry a lot during the first weeks even the first three months. There is no magic formula to know what your baby
needs. Crying must be responded to. But how is a more complicated issue. It is practically impossible to follow the advice, “Do
not let your baby cry.” The way a parent responds to the baby also “conditions” the baby to expect specific responses (feeding,
covering, rocking). Instead of responding to real need, the parent may respond to a created need, conditioned by the parent.
Fast, easy solutions work to relieve immediate tension but can result in forming bad habits.
Crying is a baby’s language. It is a way to express pain, anger, and sadness. You can say to your baby, “I see you are unhappy. I
wish I knew what is making you unhappy.” Then think out loud. “Could it be that your diaper is wet? I don’t think you are
hungry because you just ate. Maybe I’ve been holding you long enough and maybe you want to be back on your back for a
while.” This is the start of lifelong, honest communication.
Do not just try to stop all crying immediately. Respect the child’s right to express his feelings, or moods. Try to find and
eliminate the discomfort. Your baby will respond to your focused attention, your calm voice. Talking softly and gently, slowly
bringing our face closer, gently picking him up, safely cradling him in your arms, then slowly putting him back in the crib, will
eventually reassure and calm him.
Some infants have “colic.” A frantic child brings about frantic parents doing frantic things to “calm” the baby. Such as nighttime
drives, long walks, and rocking side to side. Why? All healthy babies cry. We would worry if they didn’t cry. Do not start doing
crazy tricks. Infants do not need them at any age and neither do you. Your baby will learn to be calm from calm parents in a
calm atmosphere. Removing stimulating things from the baby’s atmosphere will help.
Holding
Often parents believe that holding is good; being left alone in the crib is not. I believe babies need both. There are sound
physiological reasons why a newborn should not be held all the time. To begin with, he must adapt to his new capabilities
outside the womb, by kicking, stretching, curling and uncurling his body. In a crib, he can do this at will- and with ease. Parents
who carry their babies most of the time are not giving their infants the opportunity to move according to their readiness.
Holding a baby nonstop for two hours may be disrespectful to yourself, not to mention your arms; and bouncing an unhappy
baby is not necessarily being sensitive to the infant’s real needs.
We know from literature as well as from observing infants that they have a strong need for sucking. Sucking also stops crying.
Thrusting the breast, the bottle, a pacifier or a teether into a crying infant’s mouth is one of the most often used calming
devices. It is fast, hand, and it works. A pacifier is a plug. A pacifier can cause a baby to become “hooked” on an artificial
solution to a real problem. The thumb belongs to the infant. The infant can put it in her mouth and pull it out according to her
own needs and desires. In the process, she learns how to soothe herself and how to become self-reliant. The issue is not a
simple preference of pacifier vs. thumb. The real issue is, who is in control?
• Infants always do what they can do- and they should not be expected to do what they are not ready for. A child who
has always been allowed to move freely develops not only an agile body but also good judgment about what he can
and can’t do.
• Developing good body image, spatial relations, and a sense of balance helps the child learn not only how to move but
also how to fall and how to recover. Children raised this way hardly ever have any serious accidents. If babies are
allowed to move freely and without interference, you will see that they learn to move gracefully and securely and that,
through endless repetition and practice, they become well balanced.
• When not interrupted, babies are totally absorbed in what they are doing.
• If infants are ready to do something, they will do it. In fact, when they are ready, they have to do it. If a child cannot sit,
they cannot sit. Yes, you can prop pillows around an infant, but that only gives the illusion that he can sit. While there
are norms of average development, we should not be too concerned about them unless an infant is showing signs of
being “different” from other children of a similar age. Parents and professionals who wait for the next and the next
“achievement” sadly miss the miraculous little changes, which are occurring all the time.
• What a very young infant needs is to be secure. Security is almost a “body feeling” that in infant can sense. When
babies are bombarded with new stimuli, new places, new experiences, it is very difficult for them to adapt and to learn
to trust.
• “Predictable” means that, from the very beginning of her life, you tell your baby ahead of time when a change will
happen- even a tiny change, such as “I will turn the light on,” or “I will pick you up,” or “I’ll go to the bathroom now.”
Although her immediate reaction may be to ignore or protest the change, soon she will become confident in the face of
changes.
Learning to Observe…
• Babies communicate from birth. If your attitude is, “I cannot know automatically what you need; please tell me,” then
the baby will learn to give you cues, and a dialogue will develop. If, on the other hand, parents superimpose their
interpretations on the baby’s problem, the infant may unlearn to expect appropriate responses to her needs and learn
to accept what the parents offer.
• This is the difference between being understood and misunderstood. Being understood creates security, trust and
confidence. So how can we try to understand rather than misunderstand? The answer is, observe more, do less.
• It is not an easy process though. In our society, we’ve trained to do, do, do. And if you don’t, you pretend to do, do, do.
You must act as if you are very busy, because being busy is virtuous. Not doing anything is considered laziness, and
that’s not highly appreciated. Nobody talks about being observant. To spend some time sitting peacefully in the room
while your infant is doing her own thing, without wanting to play with her, teach her, or care for her—just being
available to her—will make you much more sensitive to your child’s needs, her tempo and her style.
• Let go of all the other issues that wander through your mind and really pay attention. Focus fully on everything your
child does, trying to understand her “point of view.” Try to observe what interests her, how she handles frustration,
solves little problems.
• Anytime we are dealing with a baby who cannot talk about her needs, frustrations, and desires, and who relies on
signals, eye contact, sounds, and gestures, we run the risk of projecting our own feelings, fears, disappointments, and
emotions onto the baby. This would be a major miscommunication and loss of the baby’s trust in getting her needs
met.
…and WAIT!
• The less e interrupt the more easily infants develop a long attention span. If infants are well cared for, if they can do
what they happen to be interested in at that time, and if nobody interrupts, they have much longer attention spans
than we give them credit for. Contrary to grown-ups’ expectations, infants usually do not get overly frustrated by
struggles during play. When a toy gets caught or a ball rolls away, they may even enjoy the situation and certainly
learn from it—if adults do not solve the problem for them. To a degree, the child’s response to potential frustrations is
influenced by the adult’s reaction.
• In many situations, to wait means to allow problems to solve themselves. Selective intervention means knowing when
not to intervene, and this is more difficult than intervening indiscriminately.
• An authentic person is one who doesn’t have to play a role all the time—someone who is true to him or herself. Adults
often have a preconceived mold they try to squeeze an infant into—something they want the child to be. When that
happens, the child may grow up not having a sense of who she really is or what she really wants because she lacks a
core of authenticity.
• “You’re okay,” is repeatedly told to a child who hurts himself and does not feel okay. I would much rather give the
child permission to feel the way he feels and then wait it out.
• We should not stop babies from crying by automatically putting something in their mouths. Babies have a right to cry
and feel what they feel with the knowledge that a kindly adult is there to help if possible. Accept the feelings of your
baby, positive as well as negative. And allow your child to learn about you. At RIE, we encourage parents to learn to
quiet down, to sit peacefully, to observe and to allow babies to be real.
Quality Time
Quality time is full, unhurried attention. Sometimes the parent may want nothing but just to spend close time with the child.
And sometimes the parent way wants something with the time, such as dressing or bathing. This is a time when you work for
cooperation, using the time for learning to do a task together when you expect the child to participate. Do not worry if you
cannot get together every day; the rhythm of your togetherness will not be broken. It is what happens consistently, not
mechanically that counts.
Diapering
Diapering is very important. In the process of diapering, we should remember that we are not only doing the cleaning, we are
intimately together with the child. While being diapered, the baby is close to the parent and can see her face, feel her touch,
hear her voice, observe her gestures, and learn to anticipate and to know her.
Feeding
• Food is what your baby needs when hungry. But to use food as a means to soothe, to overcome tiredness, to eliminate
discomfort or pain, can create unhealthy habits for a whole lifetime.
• We offer the same new food for one or two weeks, once a day, never forcing it.
• We prefer babies to be fed in their parents’ or carers’ laps until they have matured enough to sit securely and to get in
and out of their size-appropriate stool, bench or chair by themselves.
• We make it a habit to have a larger bowl and a serving spoon with the whole food supply and a small bowl into which
we put tiny amounts in front of the child. We feed the baby from the small bowl and also allow her to try to feed
herself from this small bowl, which is refilled from the larger one.
• If you want your baby to develop a taste for wholesome food rather than junk food, have only nutritious food
available.
• At no time, for no reason, should a child be forced, cajoled, talked or bribed into eating more than she wants to eat.
Sleeping
Newborn and very young babies are asleep most of the time. They alternate periods of sleep and periods of wakefulness six to
ten times with 24 hours. They average 18-21 hours of sleep. Two-to three-year-olds average 12 to 14 hours of sleep.
Remember, nobody can make another person fall asleep. How to relax and let sleep come is a skill your child, like everybody
else, must learn all by herself.
Play objects can include scarves, containers, balls, bottles, chains, boxes, wooden objects, and dolls. What do all of these
recommended play objects have in common? None do anything. They will respond only when the infant activates them. The
best play objects are those, which allow infants to be as active and competent as possible at every stage of development.
Outdoor Living
If you start at an early age, your baby will learn to love the outdoors and will enjoy herself there. And remember to use
sunscreen and let the baby sleep in the shade. Spending time outside will help the baby be less inclined to be clingy, nagging,
overly dependent, and constantly needing entertainment.
• Children need expectations. Discipline is an integral part of this rooted, secure feeling. The dictionary defines
discipline as: “Training that develops self-control, character.”
• A positive goal to strive for when disciplining would be to raise children we not only love, but in whose company we
love being.
• One misconception most parents hare is that children must be happy all the time. Life is a combination of pain and
pleasure. It is not the best thing to try to keep your children happy all the time. That is not the way life is. Achieving
goals involves struggle and sometimes pain. This is the human condition.
• When children find this out too late, after being sheltered and buffered unrealistically, they may find it difficult and
frightening to cope with real life.
• Children need discipline and structure. Be clear. Be honest. When you say “No,” really mean it. Let your face and
posture reflect “No” as well.
“House Rules”
• To expect a newborn not to cry, a very young baby not to put things in her mouth, or a toddler not to say “no” is
unreasonable. Also, timing is important. One cannot expect cooperation from a sleepy or hungry baby. Know your role
as a parent.
• Through regularity of routines, babies eventually learn to anticipate that which is expected of them. This is the
beginning of discipline.
• In order to really develop inner discipline, children must be given the freedom to make choices. Babies must have
freedom in the area of gross motor development and play.
• Parents provide safe, appropriately sized rooms or fenced areas in which infants can move and explore freely.
• Parents provide safe and simple play objects. The infants choose how they want to move and to learn. The infants’ use
of objects and play materials should not be restricted or interfered with.
• If a child has ample opportunity to play independently, without interruption, he is likely to be much more willing to
cooperate with the demands of his parent. Young children fight an inner struggle. One part of them wants to please,
yet they also have to resist in order to test the limits of their power.
• It is natural for toddlers to want to carry food away form the table; they can see no real reason not to. A child’s
behavior may become easier to handle once one realizes that it stems from a natural inclination and not from a desire
to drive the parent crazy.
Praise or Acknowledgment
We prefer to offer gentle validations instead of instructions, criticism, and even praise. An example “I like it when you pick up
your toys.” We prefer to give attention to the infant at the times we see behavior we would like to encourage. The commonly
used “good girl” or “good boy” often becomes mechanical and is subtly demeaning. It implies a child’s value as a person is
contingent on his “performance.” He may think he is “bad” if he acts differently from whatever has just been praised as “good.”
Children don’t need big hooplas, just a strong acknowledgement on your part.
You must be able to see and understand both your child’s and your own “points of view.” This is the role of the parent. Remind
yourself that nobody can or even should have everything they want whenever they want it. Learning to wait, not always to
have your own way, is a difficult task—part of the curriculum of early childhood.
As They Grow
You can say “I’ll just go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back” or “I’m going away for a few hours and then I’ll come back. Grandpa
will stay her with you.” It is important to inform your baby, even though you are pretty sure she will protest.
Sharing is based on the knowledge of ownership and use. We cannot expect a young child to perceive what sharing means. If
we expect behavior from our children that they are not ready for or do not understand, then even if they do what we ask, it will
be done because they feel parental pressure, a desire for parental approval, or out of fear of punishment. With young infants,
you can say: “Yes you can touch, but touch easy—and not the eye.” I give the message of gentleness or easiness. Following the
RIE approach, we start with the least amount of help and intervention and then slowly increase it. If every time adults jump in
and bring in their version of what is right the children learn either to depend on them or to defy them.
Biting
While in early infancy biting is rather exploratory, toddlers bite when frustrated, angry or tired. Waiting can be too upsetting.
Work with the underlying problem.
Toddlers
Toddlerhood is a time of constant struggle. No suggestion you give will be right, because a toddler has opposing inner needs of
his own. He needs to feel dependent and independent. He is able to sense more and more about the human condition, about
reality.
Toilet Training
The helper’s ongoing sensitive responses to the infant’s small signals build mutual trust and confidence. What should parents
look for or demand of a good care situation? Once approach is to ask yourself: If I were the infant, would I like to be here? Does
the environment allow me to be able to do everything that I naturally would do?
Stimulation to me means interruption. I believe what infants are doing is very important, and we should try to schedule daily
life so there are hardly any interruptions in the daily routine of sleeping, eating and free exploration.
Many parents, teachers, physicians and other professionals spend time and energy trying to speed up development, to force
children to do what they cannot do, or to teach what they are not yet capable of. How sad. When infants do not understand
what is being asked of them, all they learn is to respond to their parents’ cues, however unintentional they may be—facial
expression, tone of voice, subtle gestures.
Why is it so difficult to accept the importance of readiness? Normally developing young children do what they can do; they do
not withhold. Don’t people realize how it possibly affects young infants, when what they can do is not appreciated but what
they cannot do is expected? What a sad and confusing experience it must be to grow up never living up to your parent’s
expectations. Wouldn’t life be easier for both parents and infants if parents would observe, relax, and enjoy what their child is
doing, rather than keep teaching what the child is not yet capable of?
Parents may not realize the high price they have to pay for their ambitious endeavors to speed up infancy and interfere with
natural growth. They may never connect early stressful training with problems frequently encouraged later on: from sleeping
and eating disorders to nervous and self-destructive behaviors (hair pulling, nail-biting stuttering, nervous tics, or anorexia);
from disinterested, bored and unmotivated students to early school dropouts and drug abusers.
While the effect of any environment is dependent on the child’s personality, vulnerability and resilience some of these children
may need intensive psychotherapy at some point. But I have yet to hear of a single case in which a person (coming from loving
parents and an average, responsive environment) sought therapy because he or she had not been taught enough during
infancy.
The tendency of our time for the last few decades has changed from the concept of readiness to “the earlier the better.” Don’t
we have more time than ever to learn leisurely, being guided by our own interest and readiness? Infants do not need anxious
parents or gadgets. They need time, time to develop according to their biological schedule. Can anybody argue about the
benefits for a child who is appreciated and enjoyed for what she can do and does naturally?
Absolutely Safe!
Safety is a prerequisite for implementing the RIE approach. If you take a shower and put a child in a walker or a swing to keep
her out of trouble, this can be doubly stressful as the child is left by the parent and prevented from moving freely and safely. A
safe room with gates at all doors not only frees the infant but the parent as well.
Equipment: What is Really Necessary?
Parents interfere with an infant’s mobility or problem-solving ability by using equipment which some people think babies
need. In order for infants and parents to live peacefully together, no special products are needed except for one: gates for all
the doors to the infant room. What you do not need are bouncers, swings, walkers, high chairs and other restrictive devices.
At RIE, we believe the infant should be able to move and explore freely, to choose and change his own body position, to come
and go as he wants-within the safe and challenging environment we create. We recommend that you do not put a baby into a
position, which he cannot get into by himself.
Everything they do naturally while moving on the floor prepares them to walk. If you have to go somewhere, baby carriers are
preferable to strollers, which do not support infants’ backs. Expensive complex toys designed to be used certain ways rarely
give children opportunities to explore and use them in their own way. Infants do not need additional visual stimulation and
entertainment at an age when they are newly out of the womb and already exposed to a bombardment of stimulation. We
interfere wit their learning experiences by providing artificial things.
On Loving
To care is to put love into action. The way we care for our babies is then how they experience our love. The following questions
can help you think about this area:
Dear parent, we all agree that babies need love. Most people associate parental love with the easy solutions of holding, nursing,
cuddling. What is much more difficult is to find the balance between holding on and letting go. It is a lifelong struggle, and
maybe the hardest part of parenting.
Children seem to adapt and survive their circumstances no matter how they are raised, as long as it is with love. In the realm of
parenting, using RIE is a much calmer and gentler way to raise a child. One RIE tenet says, “Do less-enjoy more.” I try to keep
that in mind.
Thank you for reading this article. We truly hope you and your family will benefit from it. Please feel free to share this with
others, but do not change the content. If you have any questions about this article, please let us know.
Kindest Regards,
Lily Talley
Source:
Gerber, Magda. Caring for Infants with Respect. Los Angeles: Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE), 2002. Print.