Dealing with Resentment

Christopher Burn

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 In choosing to publish our resource material on recovery from
all forms of addiction, together with other related therapeutic
material, we hope to extend this part of the experience
available at Castle Craig Hospital to the community at large.
Addiction is a complex illness, and understanding it is a
critical part of recovery. The educational elements to our
programme - whether they be pamphlets, videos, lectures,
workshops, or books - are a fundamental part of everyone’s
recovery journey. Education or insight alone do not produce
recovery but they serve to inform, validate and motivate those
struggling to take responsibility for change.
These pamphlets are dedicated to all those affected by
addiction, be they sufferers themselves, family members, close
friends, or those working in the health, psychiatric, therapeutic
or social work sectors. We also gratefully acknowledge the help
and support given by the Twelve Step fellowships.
Our educational materials offer a variety of information
on addiction and related areas. These publications do not
necessarily represent Castle Craig Hospital or its programmes,
nor do they officially speak for any Twelve Step organisation.
The personal stories in this material are composites of many
individuals and any resemblance to a single person, living or
dead, is strictly coincidental.

Dr. Margaret Ann McCann

THE CASTLE CRAIG PAMPHLET SERIES

 Dealing with Resentment

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 THE CASTLE CRAIG PAMPHLET SERIES - Dealing with Resentment

“A life which
includes deep
resentment leads
only to futility and
unhappiness”.

Alcoholics
Anonymous
(2001)

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Dealing with Resentment

Resentments are negative emotions The most common reasons for

that people experience when they resentment include:
feel that they have been wronged
in some way. The feeling may often • Attempts by others to control
be irrational, but the person will our lives,
not be able to see this. Resentments • Failure of other people to react
are often a response to what we in a predicted way,
consider to be an injustice by the
actions of a superior – we tend to • People who act as if they are
react differently to the actions of superior to the individual,
those whom we see as inferior or • People who get in the way of
junior (children, for example). the individual’s attempts to
satisfy their own needs,
Holding resentments has been
• People who say one thing but
described as similar to carrying a
do another – hypocrites,
great weight around all the time.
By letting go of this negative • Superiors who abuse their
emotion the individual is able to power,
lighten their load and life becomes • When other people behave in
a lot easier and more productive. a manner that makes us feel
diminished and negatively
affects our self-esteem,
• People who tell lies,
• When we feel we have been
treated unfairly.

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In some instances these feelings of offender.’ Therefore we can see

resentment will be based on real that it is vital that it be dealt with
injustices. In a lot of cases they will thoroughly.
have originated almost totally in
the mind of the individual who is Responding to
feeling resentful. Feelings of anger negative feelings
or resentment may also be caused
by one’s own lack of confidence and ‘What happens is often outside my
assertiveness in handling a situation. control, but how I respond is within
my control’.
Resentment and substance abuse
No one is born angry, resentful or
Resentment is one of the most malicious, yet our hearts and minds
common reasons why people abuse can easily be filled with strong
substances in the first place. In and persistent negative thoughts
recovery they need to discover new and feelings. This change in our
ways of dealing with the world. character often happens as the
result of a perceived wrong. If we
Holding on to resentments can don’t address and deal with our
have a devastating effect on negative feelings and attitudes, we
the life of anyone whether they will begin to harbour resentment
be alcoholics or not; we may and even a desire for revenge.
know people who appear to be We need to learn the skill of letting
consistently angry and have ‘a go. To do this we must realise
chip on their shoulder’ that seems that resentment can destroy our
to have become a part of their integrity, our compassion, and
character. Resentment has a way our peace of mind. The skill of
of becoming ingrained. It is letting go is the ability to transform
particularly dangerous for those resentment and the impulse for
in recovery who are struggling to revenge into a search for something
work on character defects while also better; it is about broadening one’s
dealing with mood swings. The ‘Big perspective to embrace forgiveness.
Book’ of Alcoholics Anonymous
(AA) calls it ‘The number one

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Becoming a victim

‘If you look at yourself as a victim, it diminishes you as a person’.

A struggling businessman went to Instead, he accepted the situation,

great lengths, working long hours, reported the situation to the fraud
to save his failing company. Finally squad, dealt with the practical
it seemed like they had turned a consequences and allowed himself no
corner, new orders started coming time for resentment or self-pity; the
in, and he was preparing to pay long hours of work began again but
off some bills. A few weeks later he focused on driving the business
however, he discovered that a trusted forward and solving his problems
employee had fraudulently stolen without blaming anyone else for his
from the company, and put the predicament.
company back in jeopardy again.
The employee disappeared without He had realised that the negative
a trace. responses of resentment and self-
pity would immobilise him and
Such a devastating blow could his business and were not going
have put the businessman into to help him recover the situation.
‘supervictim’ role whereby he acted On the other hand, an attitude
out his anger and resentments by of acceptance with no desire for
looking for revenge and people personal revenge certainly would
to blame. He could have hired a help, because by practising these,
private detective to track down his he could then move on. Today he is
former employee, or he could have successful and happy.
spent hours at the police station
demanding action. He could have
returned to the office and blamed
the other employees who hadn’t
noticed the employee’s suspicious
behaviour.

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“Do we really want to be rid of Negative attitude

our resentments, our anger, our
fear? Many of us cling to our fears, Getting rid of our resentments can
doubts, self-loathing or hatred mean coming out of our comfort
because there is a certain distorted zone and doing things differently.
security in familiar pain. It seems Some addicts can become so used
safer to embrace what we know to negativity – blaming others, self-
than to let go of it for fear of the pity and simply playing the victim
unknown.” – that it becomes a very difficult
(Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text - mind-set to change.
NA Big Book - page 33).
The compulsion of resentment
The Basic Text of NA in chapter
4 states that the practice of Dwelling on resentment, resurrecting
the spiritual principles of the the anger yet again as one remembers
programme is essential for recovery. the insult can be an intoxicating
These principles include personal experience.
honesty, open mindedness and
willingness. Sometimes the memory of a past
injustice or an insult can provide a
kind of thrill. It can even produce a
warm familiar feeling that we may
seek out again and again. Indeed,
the thought of someone else’s bad
behaviour can make us feel justified
in our sense of indignation, to feel
good about ourselves and lead us to
say, ‘I would never do anything like
that’.

This comfortable routine can help

us to feel that we are somehow in
control of our lives, because we
tell ourselves that our behaviour is

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justified. The reality however is the Why do we hold on to

same as that for any compulsive resentment?
behaviour: we are not in control
at all. Indeed resentment leads to Some of the most common reasons
a decline in personal relationships why people beginning their
and isolation from family, friends, recovery hold on to resentments
colleagues and most importantly, are:
our Higher Power.
• Friends and family do not give
To progress in our recovery from credit for the effort being made,
addiction and to follow a spiritual • Friends and family continue to
programme we need to ‘let go’ of show a lack of trust,
resentments.
• Other people are trying to
interfere in their life,
• Life in recovery is more
challenging than they expected.
The individual may blame
therapists, friends in recovery,
or family members for this,
• Others seem to be doing better
in recovery. Comparing our
achievements with those of
others always leads to self-pity,
• The people in their lives do not
behave in a manner that they
expect.

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Emotions Resentment is a particularly

dangerous emotion for people in
Early recovery is described as an recovery to experience because:
emotional rollercoaster and people
tend to experience plenty of negative • By focusing on others we
emotions during this time. It is ignore our own behaviour.
vital that negativity is not allowed The only person that the
to derail the recovery process – recovering alcoholic or addict
resentment is the emotion that is most can fix is oneself;
likely to do this.
• This negative emotion provides
no useful purpose and only gets
in the way of recovery from our
addiction;
• Resentment is a common
relapse trigger. Such negativity
makes life in recovery
uncomfortable, and it often
becomes an excuse to return to
the use of alcohol or drugs;
• In order to build a successful
life in recovery we need to let
go of resentments. If they are
unable to do this then it will be
almost impossible for them to
find peace away from alcohol
and drugs.
• We cannot change the fact that
events or people in our lives
have distressed us. It is our own
attitude that we must change;
we have the power to change
this.

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How can we let go of resentment? Action plan

First of all, we should recognise ‘Do it now, say it now,

that letting go of our resentments don’t be afraid.’
and accepting what has happened (Written in her nineties by Scottish
in a positive spirit, is not going to painter Wilhelmina Barnes-Graham
happen in a moment. Certainly (1912 - 2004))
we should see these as a long or
medium term goal to strive for, but Once we have accepted the
there is work to be done first. Most challenge to change, we need an
addicts want to get a quick result action plan. For most of us this
because that is what alcohol and will mean doing things that we are
drugs offer. However change for not used to doing, and this can be
those in recovery does not happen scary, but as the saying goes, there
like that. is no gain without pain. Once you
take that first risk and step out
First we must become willing to of the comfort zone, you feel the
change. This means acquiring benefit and your self-esteem goes
a new attitude, a willingness to up too. Try using these techniques
give up our insistence of holding and remember, letting go of all
onto the familiar negativity of our resentments is the eventual goal –
resentment. We need to instead this is not about getting a quick fix:
come out of our comfort zone and
take action. If you consider change • Talk and/or write about your
to be a challenge, then you could feelings of resentment. Make a
see the willingness to change as a list of your resentments as the
first step - the moment of accepting 12 step programme advises:
that challenge.
• ‘In dealing with our
resentments, we set them
on paper. We listed people,
institutions or principles with
whom we were angry. We asked
ourselves why we were angry.’
(AA Big Book, Chapter 5)
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• Discuss these resentments that Consider the following:

you have listed with a sponsor (with quotes from AA Big Book,
or trusted counsellor in an Chapter 5):
effort to get rid of them.
• Try performing an act of
Ask yourself these questions: kindness, unseen, towards the
person you resent.
• How have you been hurt? • ‘This is a sick man, how can I be
• Who are you angry with? helpful to him?’

• Can you look at this person • Try saying a prayer – for the
differently? person you resent, for yourself
and for the situation in general.
• What was your part, if any, in
the situation? • ‘God, save me from being angry’

• Do this honestly and openly • Try disciplining your thoughts

and you may get some so as not to entertain this
surprisingly helpful answers. negative attitude.
• ‘We avoid retaliation or
argument’
• Practise being pro-active –
ask yourself each day “What
can I do today to make
change happen, so that I can
help myself to shed these
resentments?”
• ‘This requires action on our part.’

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Rebuilding relationships

One of the joys of recovery is rebuilding relationships. It is not possible for

people to rebuild these relationships successfully if they still hold a lot of
resentment.

Emily had known from an early age responsibility for her feelings. But
that her younger sister Millie was how? Working with her therapist,
her father’s favourite. He spoiled she identified forgiveness as a goal,
Millie and paid little attention though it was initially hard for her
to Emily. Millie made the most of to contemplate forgiving Millie.
her father’s preference towards her. She came to realise that resentment
Emily resented her, sometimes so was harming her alone and that
much that she would cry tears of forgiveness could be a huge release –
rage. She told herself that one day she would be doing herself a favour.
she would get even. The girls grew She was encouraged to write a letter
up and were never close. to Millie explaining her feelings.

Emily found it hard to make friends Emily never posted the letter, but
because she always viewed them as after leaving rehab, she found
potential rivals. She became isolated herself alone with Millie in the
and developed a taste for alcohol. family home. Seizing the moment,
By age thirty she was unhappy and she began to talk about her past
drinking heavily, while Millie was self-defeating behaviour. Her sister
happily married. was quick to admit her own part
in this and a new relationship was
A year later, Emily was in rehab, developed that gave both great joy
working on the 12 steps. She for many years.
identified resentment as a major
block to her recovery and took

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Taking responsibility Letting go

It is important that we take A final thought – think of some of

responsibility for changing our the resentments that are currently
behaviour. troubling you. Do you hold
resentments that have their roots in
It may be true that in the past, your lack of assertiveness in dealing
another person has caused us with a situation?
great pain, harm or humiliation
through their unacceptable actions I know that I once resented
or behaviour. But if we continue someone who said something
to hold on to that pain then that highly disrespectful to me in
is our choice for which we are front of a group of people. At the
responsible. Such pain can only time I did nothing to challenge
continue to make us unhappy and it because I think I knew deep
if we allow the other person the down that what he said was true,
power to make this happen, then however unpleasant it was. Instead,
we are not taking responsibility. I preferred to say nothing and
In order to do so we may have to promise myself that one day I
to overcome our pride and our would ‘get even’ (I never did).
wounded self-esteem. We can
choose not to do this but we do so If I had been assertive at the time
at our peril if we are in recovery to say something like ‘I don’t like
because as the Big Book of AA says, what you are saying and think
resentments are luxuries that we that you should apologise’, then a
cannot afford. difficult situation might well have
arisen but at least the matter would
have been dealt with there and
then. By not doing this, I allowed
myself to become a ‘victim’ and
told myself that I was justified
in not liking this person. Such a
stance prevented me from having
any kind of relationship with him
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for a long time and it gave me a lot

of unhappiness that I did not need
to have.

Finally one day, I was able to sort

the matter out by means of an
honest and open conversation, but
my lack of assertiveness and my
pride had upset my peace of mind,
for a very long time.

Letting go of our resentments,

allowing our wounds to heal and
practising forgiveness leads us on
the path of happiness, peace of
mind and emotional and spiritual
well being.

It has been said that holding on to

anger, resentment and hurt only
gives you tense muscles and a sore
jaw from clenching your teeth.
Give yourself a break!

Letting go and practising

References
forgiveness allows the light back
into our lives, leading to a brighter
Alcoholics Anonymous. (2001).
future.
Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th
Edition. New York: A.A. World
Services.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text

(2008), 6th Edition, Narcotics
Anonymous World Services, Inc.
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Checklist for ending resentments:

1. Who or what has made me angry and resentful?

2. How have I been hurt?

3. What is the reality of the situation?

4. How much of a problem is this for me?

5. How am I dealing with these feelings and is there a better way?

6. How does this make me feel?

7. Is there a better way?

8. Who can I talk to about this?

9. Is my goal to help myself by ending this resentment?

10. What steps must I take to achieve this?

11. What strategies can I use to help myself achieve this?

12. What will be the eventual benefits?

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Notes:

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Castle Craig Hospital
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First published March 2016

ISBN 978-0-9954560-1-3
ISBN 978-0-9954560-1-3
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