1/9/25, 6:57 PM The Influence of Individual Differences

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TABLE 1.2. Gender Roles

Instrumental Traits Expressive Traits

Assertiveness Warmth

Self-Reliance Tenderness

Ambition Compassion

Leadership Kindness

Decisiveness Sensitivity to Others

Our culture encourages men to be highly instrumental and women to be highly expressive, but which of these talents do you not want in an intimate
companion?

In any case, gender differences are of particular interest to relationship researchers because, instead of making men and women more compatible, they “may
actually be responsible for much of the incompatibility” that causes relationships to fail (Ickes, 1985, p. 188). From the moment they meet, for instance,
traditional men and women enjoy and like each other less than androgynous people do. In a classic experiment, Ickes and Barnes (1978) paired men and
women in couples in which (a) both partners fit the traditional gender roles, or (b) one or both partners were androgynous. The two people were introduced
to each other and then simply left alone for 5 minutes sitting on a couch while the researchers covertly videotaped their interaction. The results were
striking. The traditional couples talked less, looked at each other less, laughed and smiled less, and afterward reported that they liked each other less than
did the other couples. (Should this surprise us? Think about it: Stylistically, what do a masculine man and a feminine woman have in common?) When an
androgynous man met a traditional woman, an androgynous woman met a traditional man, or two androgynous people got together, they got along much
better than traditional men and women did.

More importantly, the disadvantage faced by traditional couples does not disappear as time goes by. Surveys of marital satisfaction demonstrate that
marriages in which both spouses adhere to stereotyped gender roles are generally less happy than those enjoyed by nontraditional couples (Helms et al.,
2006). With their different styles and different domains of expertise, masculine men and feminine women simply do not find as much pleasure in each other
as less traditional, less stereotyped people do (Marshall, 2010).

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Perhaps this should be no surprise. When human beings devote themselves to intimate partnerships, they want affection, warmth, and understanding
(Thomas et al., 2020). People who are low in expressiveness—who are not very warm, tender, sensitive people—do not readily provide such warmth and
tenderness; they are not very affectionate (Miller et al., 2003). As a result, men or women who have spouses who are low in expressiveness are chronically
less satisfied than are those whose partners are more sensitive, understanding, and kind. Around the world (Cao et al., 2019; Lease et al., 2013), across
different ethnicities (Helms et al., 2019; Stanik & Bryant, 2012), and in both straight and gay partnerships (Wade & Donis, 2007), traditional men have
romantic relationships of lower quality than more expressive men do. Thus, traditional gender roles do men a disservice, depriving them of skills that would
make them more rewarding husbands. Arguably, “when you rob people of the ability to feel and express the whole range of human emotions in an
appropriate way, you also undermine their ability to connect and have the kinds of relationships we want our boys to have” (Chotiner, 2020). In addition,
the stoicism that is a hallmark of traditional masculinity can actually be disadvantageous to men’s health; macho men are less likely than others to engage in
preventive health care and to seek mental health care services when they need them (Pappas, 2019). Overall, it appears that no good “can come of teaching
boys that they can’t express emotion openly; that they have to be ‘tough all the time’; that anything other than that makes them ‘feminine’ or weak” (Salam,
2019).

On the other hand, people who are low in instrumentality—who are low in assertiveness and personal strength—tend to have low self-esteem and to be less
well adjusted than those who have better task-oriented skills (Stake & Eisele, 2010). People feel better about themselves when they are competent and
effective at “taking care of business” (Reis et al., 2000), so traditional gender roles also do women a disservice, depriving them of skills that would facilitate
more accomplishments and achievements. Such roles also seem to cost women money; around the world, traditional women earn less on the job than their
nontraditional co-workers do (Stickney & Konrad, 2007).

Stoic, traditional masculinity can be disadvantageous in intimate relationships. People are happier
when they’re partnered with others who are higher in expressivity.
Sidney Harris/ScienceCartoonsPlus

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The upshot of all this is that both instrumentality and expressiveness are valuable traits, and the happiest, best-adjusted, most effective, mentally healthy
people possess both sets of skills (Stake & Eisele, 2010). In particular, the most desirable spouses, those who are most likely to have contented, satisfied

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