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Love Addicts

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104 views

Love Addicts

Uploaded by

laraibzara45
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
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Download as PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
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Love Addiction Cycle: Love Addict and Love

Avoidant
By Jim Hall, MS, Love Addiction Specialist

In this article, you will learn about the Love Addiction Cycle that occurs in addictive
relationships between the love addict and the love avoidant, involving a toxic "push-pull"
cycle full of effusive highs and lows that are driven by the love addict's intense fear of
abandonment and the love avoidant intense fear of intimacy.

Love Addiction is a compulsive, unhealthy dependency in relationships that negatively affects


both the love addict and avoidant - denial, fantasy, and impaired expectations fuel love
addiction.

When a Love Addict and a Love Avoidant come together to form an addictive relationship--- a
familiar and predictable cycle gets ignited.

It is an unhealthy attachment relationship pattern I call the Love Addiction Cycle.

As you'll see, this love addict-love avoidant cycle demonstrates how they begin and progress
through their relationship. It's an unhealthy, toxic cycle that encompasses a distressful 'push-pull
dance' full of emotional highs mixed with many lows, where the Love Addict is on the chase,
and the Love Avoidant is on the run.

The exhilarating “highs” for love addicts are noticeably prominent at the beginning of
an addictive relationship.

As this Addictive Relationship Cycle progresses, anxiety over the level of closeness or distance
drives both the pursuer (love addict) and distancer (avoidant) in a 'crazy-making, yo-yo dance'-
- sooner or later, resulting in both partners feeling distressed, depressed, and miserable in the
relationship, particularly if the love addict enters love withdrawal.
What causes the love addiction cycle between a love avoidant and
a love addict?

The short answer: this cycle is driven by the love addict's strong fear of abandonment, which
clashes with a love avoidant's strong fear of intimacy

When a love avoidant senses the love addict's desire for closeness and intimate connection, it
triggers their strong fear of intimacy-- for intimacy and closeness is equal to being engulfed,
stifled, and controlled. * Note: Avoidants also have an underlying fear of abandonment, while
Love Addicts also have an underlying fear of intimacy.

These core fears drive the repellent forces of each partner, thus creating the toxic love addiction
cycle.

The love addiction cycle entails the love addict avoidant cycle in an addictive relationship -
described in the love addiction chart below.

Love Addiction Cycle


Emotional and Behavioral Cycle Between the Love Addict and Love Avoidant

LOVE AVOIDANT (Lav) LOVE ADDICT (La)

1. Attraction- high intensity ("chemistry"); an


immediate urge to rush
Comes on strong; the facade Adores attention; feels important,
of availability & strength validated & special from the attention
connects with emotional given; fantasy and obsession triggered-
walls; seductive, charming, intoxicating “high”; denies reality-
flattering; says things to make ignores red flags; idealizes-- "He/she
you feel special or is perfect", Magical “Prince” or
unique; may make promises; “Princess “; see other as strong, more
idealizes; gets a “high” powerful.
from others' neediness, and
vulnerability.
2. The relationship progresses- intensity decreases
for Lav; Obsession increases for La
Still engaged, but less Completely preoccupied/obsessed; and
idealizing; "high" dissipates; “hooked”; obsession and fantasy
less attention/focus; begins to intensify; dependency skyrockets;
feel discomfort from partner abandon outside interests, goals,
attempts to create more friends/family; increases attempts to
connection and closeness; keep the intensity, “high” maintained;
slowly begins pulling away denies the emotional partner's
with subtle distancing tactics unavailability/walls.
to avoid
intimacy/vulnerability.
3. Push-Pull dance significantly increases (drama
triangle also begins here)
Feelings of Begins more and more to notice
engulfment/suffocation by partners' walls,
partner's attempt to connect and distancing behaviors; anxiety and
intensify- a dramatic increase discomfort arise. Obsession and denial
in evading intimate deepen; escalates attempts to
contact, pushing a partner connect- may manipulate, demand, and
away (walls); increased focus control in attempts to re-capture “high”
away/outside (attention), relationship intensity.
the relationship.

4. Push-pull /drama dance in full force; La-


pursuing desperately; Lav- walls increase
Avoidance/walls, distancing Denial of partner breaking-
behaviors at its fantasy crumbling; a sense of shock,
height- evading intimacy disbelief of partners walls; triggered
through tactics of resentment, feelings of rejection, panic, depression;
anger, deflection, the intense rise of obsession; bargains,
blame; looks down on blames self for partners
partner, perceives as “weak”, behaviors; placates more,
"needy", "sensitive" as tolerates more, gives and does more, to
partner seeks intimate attain fantasy and try returning to the
contact; becomes more relationship, "the way it uses to be”.
critical, abusive; may increase
the use of compulsive
behaviors/addiction outside
the relationship for
intensity/”high”.
5. Various scenarios occur at this point of the LOVE
ADDICTION cycle

INSIDE RELATIONSHIP:
The Avoidant With a crumb of attention, the Love
may occasionally addict feels “high”/ relieved from the
give attention/focus to the avoidant's momentary
love addict partner's desires attention/focus on the relationship;
(recreating intensity)-- this is fantasy/hopes reignited, fuels further
often done out of guilt and/or denial of the reality of the avoidant
fear partner will leave. partner.
However, turning toward
their partner is short-lived. When a love addict (again) notices
avoidant
Eventually, avoidant (again) disengage-- fantasy crumbles; triggered
fears of intimacy are feelings of distress, anxiety, panic,
triggered; thus feelings of abandonment; attempts to
engulfment arise from their regain fantasy/attention from a partner;
partner's desire for closeness- the tight grip of denial continues.
- pushes the partner away by
utilizing common distancing
tactics.

LOVE ADDICTION RELATIONSHIP ENDS:

The Avoidant leaves the


relationship (may blame their
partner for relationship
failure), moves on to repeat
the same cycle with another Love addict enters withdrawal-
love addict; and/or engages - may seek out another relationship and
in addiction/compulsion (sex, repeat the same cycle with another
gambling, drugs, alcohol, avoidant or medicates with another
etc.). addiction to escape emotional pain--
and/or, craving and obsession of ex-
partner continues, in addition to
owning all responsibility for the failure
of a relationship.

OR ...

When a Love Addict leaves a Avoidant

A love addict may leave the relationship as they become so burned


out from trying to chase their partner to connect and feel closer in the
relationship. Still, because of the loss of the fantasy (the real drug),
the withdrawal will occur, and again, the love addict may quickly
seek another relationship to repeat the same cycle or medicate with
another addiction. * And for the lucky ones, decide to get help, and
enter recovery to change their relationship patterns, the way they love,
and who they love (encouraged!)

Love Avoidant may try returning to the relationship

In response to the Love addict leaving, the Avoidant may experience


withdrawal- triggering pain/abandonment-- and decide to seduce,
charm, and convince the love addict to return to him/her ...

They may revert to "the person they were in the beginning", by


‘giving’ loads of attention, and compliments, making new promises,
apologizing for wrongs, etc. ...

If a love addict’s fantasy is triggered all over again-- then the


relationship cycle is repeated.

Love Addiction Cycle vs Healthy Relationship Cycle

Addictive relationships are insecure and unhealthy-- since both partners are insecurely attached.
In relationships, the love addict and avoidant become repellants to one another.
In a healthy/secure relationship— couples cycle between engaging in intimate closeness and
mutually withdrawing to integrate into their respective senses of self.

Put another way-- couples in a secure relationship engage in healthy equilibrium through periods
of connection, disconnection, and re-connection resembling a healthy dance. It’s the natural ebb
and flow of secure and loving partnerships... it is a healthy dance.

Whereas in an addictive-insecure relationship-- both partners end up becoming asynchronous in


closeness and distance, thus creating a persistent, unhealthy, and discouraging cycle.

The cycle between the two is polarized in opposite roles and repeatedly creates a drama-filled,
toxic pattern—a 'toxic dance'. Both eventually become dissatisfied and feel like they are losing
themselves, but they don't know why.

This poisonous dependency cycle is a perpetuating roller coaster ride for both partners-- and can
go back and forth for months, years, or decades.

And it's important to keep in mind, that even if the relationship cycle ends with one partner,
the love addict and avoidant will move on to find another romantic relationship to repeat the
cycle - unless one or both step into an effective recovery and healing process.

People can go through their whole lives repeating this cycle in romantic relationships.

How to Stop the Love Addiction Cycle

Consider working with a therapist or counselor who specializes in love addiction.


Recovery from love addiction can lead to unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship patterns changing
over time.

Dealing with the core underlying issues that drive love addiction, you can make profound
changes in the way you love where healthy relationships are possible.

And addressing the core issues with an expert, step by step, you can grow into a secure and self-
loving adult who no longer gets sucked into unhealthy relational cycles but instead embraces real
intimacy and mutual connection.

Overcoming the love addiction relationship cycle is possible!

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