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What Is Premarital Counseling? What To Expect

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Premarital counselling can be a valuable experience for those who are in serious or long-
term commitments with a partner. This type of counselling aims to strengthen a couple’s
relationship, helping them talk through all of the big issues that may be beneficial to
discuss before marriage.
Starting any type of counselling can be intimidating, especially if you don’t know what to
expect. Research shows that despite evidence proving premarital counselling is effective,
many couples don’t try it. Getting a better idea of what premarital counselling is, as well as
how it can be beneficial for a relationship, can help couples figure out if it’s the right fit for
them.

What Is Premarital Counseling?

Premarital counselling is a type of counselling that couples usually take part in before
marriage, sometimes after an engagement. It’s a way to build a good foundation for a
successful relationship moving forward.
“Premarital counselling is an opportunity to work with an objective outsider to explore
aspects about yourself and your relationship that you might not have ever explored before,
while also being able to learn skills and tools to elevate your communication and
connection,” explains Tracy Dalgleish, a clinical psychologist, relationship expert and

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author of I Didn’t Sign Up For This. “Talking about our relationship[s] (and sex) often feels
taboo. This becomes a safe place with a therapist to help you walk through these often
tricky-to-navigate conversations.”
Some of the goals of premarital counselling, according to Dr Dalgleish, include:
• Identifying potential future areas of conflict
• Exploring internal beliefs, narratives and expectations of each partner
• Exploring expectations of marriage
• Discussing roles each partner may take as parents
• Learning effective ways of communicating
• Identifying attachment styles and emotional/relational needs
• Learning to identify your values as a couple and the values you want to carry forward
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Who Is Premarital Counseling for?

While the name suggests that this type of counselling is only for engaged couples,
premarital counselling is something any couple can take part in. “Every couple can benefit
from doing the preventative work that is done in premarital counselling,” says Lauren
Consul, licensed marriage and family therapist in California, Florida and Vermont. “The
earlier you learn these skills and address potential roadblocks, the better your relationship
will be because you will be more prepared to deal with the roadblocks as a team.”
It’s a common misconception that couples have existing problems before beginning this
type of counselling, as it does not have to be done in response to conflict or crisis, says
Michele Goldman, a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media
advisor.
Seeking premarital counselling, no matter the state of your relationship can be beneficial
down the line. A 2019 study that looked at more than 430 diverse, recently married couples
found that partners who participated in premarital counselling were more likely to seek
therapy later in their relationship when it was needed. This showed that couples who did
premarital counselling were more likely to try and work on their relationship if problems
arose later on.

How Long Is Premarital Counseling?

Premarital counselling is generally considered short-term, however, the length of it
ultimately depends on the couple and the therapist they’re working with, says Consul.
While some couples may only need a few weeks’ worths of sessions, others may benefit
more from a longer period of counselling. “Factors that can influence length of treatment
can include how long the couple has been together before coming in, trauma history both

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individually and as a couple, previous experience in therapy, family of origin, etc.,” Consul
explains.
That said, Dr. Dalgleish recommends trying at least six months’ worth of sessions. She also
advises not waiting too long between sessions, going about once every two weeks. “When
there are longer gaps of time between sessions, it can feel harder to gain momentum in
exploring these key themes and topics,” she says. “It’s also important to continue the
conversation you have in session to deepen your understanding of each other outside of
the therapy room.”

When to Start Premarital Counseling

There is no right or wrong time to start premarital counselling. As Consul says, you should
start whenever you feel ready. If you’re doing it before marriage, Dr. Goldman says that it’s
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often suggested to start shortly after the engagement.

A lot of people experience increased stressors related to weddings, making tensions higher
than usual, notes Dr. Dalgleish, so she recommends any couple who is ready to commit to
one another start as soon as possible.
“From my clinical experience, I wish more couples sought premarital counselling,” says Dr.
Dalgleish. “Most commonly, people wait until they are ready to separate before seeking out
my services. Partners will do everything else before seeking the support of a therapist.”
When you wait until you’re already ready to end the relationship, it takes longer to make
significant changes, she adds.

How Much Does Premarital Counseling Cost?

Premarital counselling can be costly, which can contribute to why some couples don’t take
advantage of it. Research shows that low-income couples, who tend to be more at risk for
conflict in the relationship, are especially unlikely to try it. The cost of premarital
counselling varies widely depending on where you live, your insurance options and the
therapist you choose. Some therapists offer premarital programs or courses at a reduced-
rate option, notes Dr. Goldman.
“Some work on a sliding scale, meaning their rates might vary depending on a couple’s
income or circumstances,” she adds. Religious premarital counselling is usually less
expensive, too, she adds.
If you’re on a budget but want to try premarital counselling, Dr. Goldman suggests finding
a therapist or counsellor intern, which is a therapist working toward their license who is
supervised by a licensed therapist. She says that they usually charge less while still
providing quality care.

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Another cost-effective option is trying out counselling in a group setting. It includes a few
different couples joining at the same time and is similar to a classroom setting, often with
exercises for reflection and pairing off. “It is best to research options in your area and
compare the cost across the different options,” she says. “It’s also important that both
people in the couple are on the same page and want to engage in premarital counselling.”
Lastly, you can also try doing premarital workbooks together. These can often be
purchased in bookstores or online, on sites like Amazon, and encourage a couple to answer
questions about themselves, their relationship and each other to try and boost
communication. Dr. Dalgleish notes that while she doesn’t see these as a substitute for
therapy, she does find them to be helpful in some situations. “If someone has a low level of
distress in their relationship or notices that they are struggling to get through some things,
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this could be a really helpful piece for them,” she says. “So, if they are noticing that they’re
getting caught in a negative communication cycle, grab a workbook to discover some skills
and tools that can be put in place to help improve communication and connection.”

Premarital Counseling Sessions: What to Expect

Premarital counselling sessions can vary widely, but in general, Consul says that couples
can expect to answer a lot of questions—about everything from their childhood to their
thoughts on finances, sex, career and more. “The goal is to ask you questions that you may
not have thought about or discussed yet as a couple,” she says.
Any given session will likely focus on one topic in particular, but over time, couples will
likely go over a lot of different topics. According to Dr. Dalgleish, these can include:
• Identifying communication patterns between partners
• Uncovering old patterns from previous relationships that may be impacting the current
relationship
• Examining/challenging any unhelpful assumptions or beliefs one might hold about their
partner, marriage and a healthy relationship
• Family dynamics
• How couples feel about their intimate relationship
A major goal of any session is to help couples learn how to communicate effectively.
Couples will learn about communication styles, as well as tools that help set up
communication success and how to communicate during conflict, says Consul.
“Counseling should help the couple make implicit expectations known to each other,
create a plan for how they wish to address difficulties in the relationship and learn healthy
communication patterns,” adds Dr. Dalgleish.

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Premarital counselling is a great option for any couple looking to make a long-term
commitment to each other. It’s a way to strengthen a relationship, make sure both partners
are on the same page about important issues and set a good foundation for the future.

What If Only One Partner Wants Premarital Counseling?

It’s not unusual to be in a situation where only one partner is interested in premarital
counselling and the other one is very hesitant or completely against it. If you’re struggling
with a partner who isn’t interested in therapy, Dr. Dalgleish encourages you to look at the
situation from a neutral perspective. “If a partner is resistant to going to therapy, there
might be some underlying fears or misunderstandings or just not knowing what comes as
part of couples therapy,” she says. Instead of demanding they go, try asking what they’re
afraid of or what they think premarital counselling is. Be open and curious about your
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partner’s perspective instead of getting hurt and angry that they don’t want to go.
Consul agrees, saying that finding out why your partner is so resistant to therapy is key. “If
one partner is worried, they will be judged or blamed, you can reassure them this is about
‘we’ not ‘you,’” she says.
If they don’t want to go, Dr. Dalgleish says there’s nothing wrong with going on your own.
“We can change a dynamic in a relationship by doing the work on ourselves so that we
show up differently in that relationship dynamic,” she says.
If you feel you both need premarital counselling, even after going to therapy yourself, Dr.
Dalgleish recommends talking about the benefits of going to therapy together and looking
at therapists’ profiles together to try and find someone you would both feel comfortable
with. “The person who wants to go to therapy also needs to say, ‘There are things that I do
in our relationship dynamic that I think we could do better and I need your help to be there
with me.’” She encourages you to use the word “we” to show that this is something you’re
in together, and to reframe therapy as a way to build love rather than something negative.

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