Garry Michael

All the Battles We Surrender

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 Copyright © 2022 by Garry Michael

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To Dad. Thank you for teaching me how to love
unconditionally.

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If I can take my life as now beginning,
If I can take one ray of hope and let it
shine.
If I can forget the past like it was ended,
And live my life one tick-tock at a time.

— Charlotte Boatright

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 Contents

Acknowledgement
One: Hawkins
Two: Sawyer
Three: Hawkins
Four: Sawyer
Five: Hawkins
Six: Sawyer
Seven: Hawkins
Eight: Sawyer
Nine: Hawkins
Ten: Sawyer
Eleven: Hawkins
Twelve: Sawyer
Thirteen: Hawkins
Fourteen: Sawyer
Fifteen: Hawkins
Sixteen: Hawkins
Seventeen: Sawyer
Eighteen: Hawkins
Nineteen: Sawyer
Twenty: Hawkins
Twenty-One: Mr. Kyle Hawkins
Twenty-Two: Hawkins
Bonus Chapter: Sawyer
About the Author
Also by Garry Michael

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 Acknowledgement

This Journey has been the most exciting and nerve-wracking experience of
my life. I’ve met great people along the way and I will be forever thankful
for the wisdom, love and support.
To Mr. Z- I love you to the moon and back.
To my Mom and Dad who have encouraged me to ALWAYS be true to
myself. I never had to come out because you knew all along and never
made me feel less than amazing.
To my brothers and sisters. This is for you.
To my partner in crime, Jeris Jean- Thanks for being an amazing friend
and cheerleader.
To Michaela Cole- Thank you for sharing your knowledge and for
always being an extra set of eyes with everything I do.
E.B. Slayer - Thank you, for being a great advisor.
To all the amazing Independent Authors. I apologize in advance if I
miss you. Please know that I appreciate all of you.- Tempest Phan, C.M.
Danks, Swati M.H, Sue Watts, Matthew Dante, Devin Sloane, S.M Lanyon,
Miss Mock, Janice Jarrell, Jenni Barra, Lizzie Stanley, Selena Moore, Zee
Shine Storm, Barbara Kellyn, N. Dune, Nola Marie, P.K Morrison. Sionna
Trenz, Monica Arya, Aurora Page, Ish, Ruby Ana, Charm White, Anna
Fury, Elle Bor, Ducky Mack, Ashlyn Drewek, Sana Khari, Azalea Hudson,
Samantha Thomas, Stacy Kristen, Melonay Ann and Robert Karl.
To all the book bloggers and fanatics who help me spread the word
about my books. Dawn, Tina, Jamie, April, Brittany, Lyndsay, Stefka, Gena,
Emma, Amy V., Renate, Jenny, Amarilys, Anna, Marla, Michelle, Anita,
Jenny, Melissa, Nedra, Jerrica, Taima, Tammy, Katherine, Anita, Kel,
Andrea, Ayana, Myri, and all the bookstagrammers.
To Roopali, thank you for the great cover designs and for always
accommodating my last minute requests.
To Sam and Dar who think I can do no wrong. I love you both.
Elly - Thank you for answering all my cop related questions.
Elly and Reenie, two of my fave people. Thanks for adding joy to our
lives.
Last but not the least, the readers. We are nothing without you. THANK
YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

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 One: Hawkins

Losing My Way Home

Fourteen Years Ago

T he door rattled as the pounding continued and I hurried to answer it

before my dad heard the noise. My quick dash caused my feet to
collide with the bucket, spilling slimy water all over my shoes. Evidence of
my father’s mishap just minutes ago was gone. He was drunk again, the
third time this week and it was only Wednesday. I had stayed home to make
sure he didn’t choke on his own vomit, and that he ate real food and drank
liquids other than eighty proof.
I knew who was knocking before I opened the door. A man towered
before me, and a woman stood next to him. My stomach dropped as it
always did whenever he came around because the aftermath of his visits
was always the same. I’d seen this scenario played out more times than I
cared for.
“May I help you?” I asked them. I pushed the bucket behind the door
with my wet shoe. I didn’t want to explain why I was cleaning in the middle
of the night, and I hoped they couldn’t smell the stench of vomit.
 “My name is Jamie,” the woman said, showing me her badge. “I’m
with the State of Alaska’s Child Protection Services. Are you Jace Hawkins?
Is your father home?” she asked with a wrinkle of her nose.
My heart hammered in my chest and my mouth became dry. Sweat
trickled down the back of my neck as fear washed over me. I didn’t want to
leave home again. I didn’t want to live with another foster family who pitied
me. I shook my head repeatedly and tried to close the door, but the man,
Sheriff Ryan, stopped it from shutting.
“It’s aight, buddy. We’re just here to check on ya,” he said.
That was a lie. He had said that the last time, and the time before that,
and they still took me away.
“He’s not here,” I said, focusing on my wet shoes. I hated lying. “I’ll
tell him you stopped by.”
The sheriff looked like he was about to force his way inside but Jamie
held her hand up, stopping him.
“It’s okay, Jace. We’re here to make sure you’re alright,” she assured
me.
“I’m good,” I said. I was fifteen years old and I knew how to take care
of myself and my dad.
“Your school said you missed the last three days. So we’re just making
sure you’re fine,” she continued.
I hated the way she spoke to me, like I was too stupid to know the real
reason why she was standing there in the middle of the night, with Sheriff
Ryan. I might be young, but the past few years had forced me to grow up,
maybe a little too soon. I had no choice. Me and my dad were all I had.
“He’s —”
“Whossit?” Dad’s slurred voice carried through the open door.
 Our visitors swapped glances and Sheriff Ryan sighed.
Damn it, Dad.
“Mr. Hawkins, I’m here with Sheriff Ryan,” Jamie called.
A thump behind me caused Jamie’s eyes to widen and Sheriff Ryan to
place his hand on the holster of his pistol. Dad yanked open the door,
knocking the bucket over and spilling vomit on the floor.
Sheriff Ryan and Jamie both covered their noses when the smell of
rancid bile permeated around us.
“Easy, Dad,” I whispered when he stumbled into me.
“Get ’nside, Jace,” he mumbled. He pushed me away from the door and
stood in front of me. “What the fuck do you want?” he yelled. Several lights
across the street lit up one by one. Dogs began barking, interrupting the
quiet evening.
“The sheriff’s office received a call today that Jace has missed three
days of school,” Jamie explained, never losing her composure despite my
dad’s outburst.
“Jace is fine. He’s the smartest kid in that school. He’d still be ahead of
’em kids even if he missed ten days.” Dad attempted to slam the door but
the sheriff stuck his military-grade boot against the jam before it closed.
“The fuck, man! I told you we’re fine. Why can’t you just leave us alone?”
he asked, hiccupping.
Our neighbors gathered outside holding their robes closed, whispering
and watching the commotion from the street. “Which of you fuckers called
these clowns?” he screamed and pointed his finger at them, his body
swaying as he did.
“Dad, that’s enough,” I whispered, and steadied him.
 “You all had a hard-on for me and my son. Fuck you all! We’ll be out of
here soon.”
“Mr. Hawkins, we’re going to have to take Jace with us,” Jamie said, as
Sheriff Ryan brushed Dad aside and came into the house. He grimaced
when his foot slid through the fetid slime on the floor. I lamented not being
able to dump the bucket before they arrived; maybe Jaime wouldn’t have
smelled it, so Sheriff Ryan would have left us alone with a warning. It was
all my fault.
“You’re not taking my son away,” Dad said, but in his state of
drunkenness, he was no match for the sheriff. It was probably for the best. I
didn’t know anything about the law, but I was sure fighting with Sheriff
Ryan would only cause more trouble.
“Why don’t you get your school stuff and clothes, kid,” Sheriff Ryan
said.
I’m not a kid. I despised the way he treated me, but I kept it together.
“Can’t I stay here?” I asked. I didn’t want to leave my dad and I didn’t want
to go back into the system. “I’m fifteen now and I can take care of myself.
I’ll go back to school tomorrow, I promise.” I looked at my dad, waiting for
him to say something, to fight for me. But all he did was slump into his
chair, sulking over his failure once again. This story had a familiar ending
and tonight would be no different.
“I’ll come get you tomorrow,” Dad said. That promise was hollow, just
like the last time it was spoken. The only promises he followed through with
were to the bottles of whiskey he confided in.
With a broken heart, I reluctantly made my way to my bedroom and
packed everything I could fit into two backpacks. I grabbed the picture of
my mom on my way out and stared at it for a while. It was a photograph my
dad had taken from our trip to Hawaii when I was twelve, to escape the
cold Alaskan winter. It was the last vacation we’d taken before my mom was
diagnosed with stage-four breast cancer. Before chemo had zapped her
energy and she ultimately lost her battle. She fought hard for us, but in the
end, she was no match.
I didn’t just lose my mom. I lost my dad too. He was never the same
after Mom’s death, especially once he turned to alcohol to numb the pain.
I’d been holding it together for years, keeping the weight of the world deep
inside, wishing that Dad would realize I needed him. “I miss you, Mom. I
wish you were still here.” I pulled the picture out of the frame, folded it in
half, and stuck it in my pocket. “I wish we were still a family.” I wiped the
tears from my eyes and carried my stuffed backpacks to the living room.
“Fuck cancer,” I cursed. If I never heard that word again, it’d be too soon.
My dad was waiting in the living room, appearing somewhat sobered.
He rushed toward me and pulled me close for a hug. He reeked of whiskey,
despair seeping through his touch, misery palpable in his voice. “I’m so
sorry, Jace. I fucked up again,” he whispered. “I’ll get help. I promise I’ll
get you back.”
I nodded. I used to believe him. I thought he’d changed. My hope
diminished after the second time I was taken away, and it was completely
gone now that this was the third time.
Jamie took one of my bags and led me out of the house, the place that
used to be my home.
“Can I go to the Dentons?” I asked her when we got in the car.
She shook her head.
“How about the Joneses?” Those two families had been the kindest out
of all the homes I’d bounced around whenever Dad relapsed.
 She took a deep breath and met Sheriff Ryan’s eyes from the rearview
mirror of his patrol car. “Because this was an emergency visit, we have to
take you to a different family,” she explained.
“They said no, didn’t they?” That thought stung. I couldn’t blame them.
Who would want a son of an alcoholic? This will be over soon. I can’t wait
until I’m eighteen.
“Jace, I think you’ll like the Hailstones”
I sunk into the car seat and looked out the window at the colorful sky.
Blue and green aurora lights danced, but I couldn’t find it in me to enjoy the
beauty. My mom used to tell me that the auroras would be my guiding
beacon. That she would be watching over me through their glow. The beams
grew brighter, as if to tell me she was here.
I’m scared, Mom.
I closed my eyes and tried to remember the last time I felt safe, but the
memories faded each time I sat in the back seat of the sheriff’s car, next to
all the Jamies who’d taken me away. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to
focus on the blurry images of my mom and dad dancing with thick snow
falling around them. It was her last dance. I could still hear her laughter
when Dad spun her in a circle.
“My dad isn’t gonna go to jail, is he?” I asked Jamie when I opened my
eyes.
“He’s not, but he’s gonna have to clean up his act,” Sheriff Ryan said.
“He’ll be okay,” Jamie added.
I nodded. “He’s all I got.”

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 Two: Sawyer

How Long Do I Have?

D r. Peters glanced at me after spending a solid fifteen minutes

reviewing the black-and-white images on her computer screen, inside
her stuffy clinic at Oregon Health & Science University.
I recognized that look. It was the same look my mentors had given their
patients whenever they had to deliver something unpleasant. It was the kind
of look that said, I am so sorry to be the bearer of bad news. It was the kind
of look that was both dreadful and compassionate.
I’d seen that look.
I hated that look.
“When did you say you noticed the sudden weight loss, Dr.
Montgomery?” she asked after placing her glasses on top of her head. The
wrinkles on her forehead and her short, graying hair must’ve been the
keepers of her patients’ stories who came in and out of this sterile,
fluorescent-lit room.
“Please, call me Sawyer,” I insisted. “I noticed it about a year ago.” I
shifted in my seat for the millionth time, unable to find a comfortable
position. It was as if ants had burrowed under my skin, then decided to
break free.
 “How about the blackouts and nosebleeds?”
“Just recently,” I answered.
“No change of lifestyle or diet either?” She flipped her screen to the tab
where my recent labs were displayed; values were shown in red, an
indication they were either below or over baseline.
“No changes.” I shook my head and thought about her questions some
more, trying to make sense of my health decline.
Dr. Peters nodded and put her glasses back on, pulling up Johns
Hopkins’s database on her computer.
This can’t be good. “How bad is it?” I asked. I’d been around doctors
my entire adult life and I knew bad news based solely on body language.
Dr. Peters could’ve been a mime, her soundless scream yelling “Bad!” with
a capital B.
She took a deep breath. “It’s acute lymphoblastic leukemia.” Her tone
was a mixture of certainty and sympathy. “T-cell subtype,” she added.
She didn’t say what I thought she said, did she? I blinked and released a
shaky breath. “I’m sorry, what?” I leaned forward so I could hear her better.
Clearer.
“Acute lymphoblastic leukemia. It’s a type of cancer that—”
“I know what it is,” I said, not allowing her to say it for the third time.
Slowly, I leaned back and watched her lips move, not hearing what
followed after the dreadful C word. “No,” I whispered. My chest tightened
and I struggled to catch my breath. “This is not happening. This can’t be it.”
My trembling hands grabbed my bag on the floor.
Dr. Peters stood and came around her desk, sitting in the chair across
from me, and held my hand. “This is a lot, Sawyer.” She leaned closer,
searching my eyes. “I’m truly sorry.”
 “Um.” I cleared my throat to free the ball of shock and fear that was
preventing me from speaking. “How sure are you?”
She took a deep breath; her tight smile conveyed her answer before she
said, “I had one of my colleagues review your MRI, CT and labs, and she
concurred with my findings. You are welcome to seek a second opinion,
Sawyer. I encourage it.”
“I’ll think about it,” I said, and shook my head once again, hoping I was
in a dream. “I have to go.” I stood and shook Dr. Peters’s hand. I attempted
to run from her office but she held my hand tighter. “You can’t ignore this.
The longer you wait, the worse it’s going to get.”
“I’m sorry but I need to go. My patients are waiting.”
“Believe me when I say this, Sawyer, but they can wait—I don’t think
you can.” She pulled a card from her white coat and jotted something on the
back of it. “Here’s my cell number. Call me when you’re ready to discuss
treatment.”
“Can it wait?” I asked. “My schedule is booked for the next six
months.”
She paused.
“When should I start?” I wished I had time to consider my options.
“Six months ago.”
“Okay,” I said, glancing at my watch. Dr. Peters said something else
when I opened the door, but my resolve to get out of there had me sprinting
out of the room, out of the building, away from her words.
This is not happening to me.
The droplets of rain falling against my skin and the rumble of thunder
brought me out of my stupor. I searched the parking lot, trying to remember
where I’d parked my car. The drizzle became heavier and lightning joined
the show, commiserating with me. After spotting a familiar red sedan, I ran.
Water made its way into my shoes and my soaked shirt clung to my skin,
exaggerating the thirty pounds I’d lost. It was all making sense. How could
I have missed it?

***

“Your first patient is ready for you, Dr. Montgomery,” Anna, my assistant,
said after handing me a folder and pointing toward one of the exam rooms.
“We gave Zac a puzzle to keep him occupied while they waited.”
“Thank you. I’m sorry to keep you all waiting,” I apologized. “My
errand lasted longer than I’d anticipated.”
“Oh, you’re fine. It happens,” Anna said, waving me off. “Plus, your
patients adore you. They’d literally wait all day to see you.”
“Let’s hope we don’t get to that,” I said, summoning a laugh. I stared at
the folder, flipping through its pages. But all I could see were the red
numbers on Dr. Peters’s screen. Anna’s hand on my shoulder caused me to
jump and I realized that I’d dropped the folder. “Sorry about that.” I bent
over to pick up the loose papers scattered on the shiny wooden floor.
“Are you okay, Doc?” Anna asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I better go check on Zac.” I straightened my white coat
and knocked on the door twice before heading inside.
“Dr. M!” Zac, my twelve-year-old patient with Down syndrome, greeted
me when I entered the room.
 “Buddy!” I matched his excitement and accepted the high-five he
offered. “Hello, Mrs. Ramos.” I extended my hand to shake hers. “I’m sorry
to keep you waiting.” Sorry. That seemed to be the word of the day. Well,
that and cancer.
“Don’t worry about it. We’ve only been waiting for thirty minutes.
That’s practically on time for any doctor’s office, isn’t it?” she teased. “It
was no trouble at all, Dr. Montgomery.”
“Thank you.” I pulled the rolling chair from under the desk and sat
down next to the computer monitor to start Zac’s visit.
“You wanna show Dr. M your gift for him?” Mrs. Ramos brought her
attention to Zac, who had one of his arms around his chest, holding a white
piece of paper.
Zac nodded and turned the paper to reveal a drawing of a man wearing a
cape. On his chest were the initials SM. “This is you,” he said.
“This is so cool. Did you draw this?”
“Yes.” He grinned.
“He’s been working on that since we saw you three months ago.” Mrs.
Ramos beamed, proud of Zac’s progress. I couldn’t blame her; Zac had
come out of his shell since the first time I saw him last year. “The group
you recommended was a blessing.” Her eyes glistened when she looked at
Zac with so much love.
I held her hand and smiled. She placed her other hand on top of mine
and nodded.
I turned my chair to Zac, who was tracing his drawing with his fingers.
“I love it, Zac.”
“This is for you.” He handed me the picture and sat next to his mom.
“Really?”
 Zac nodded animatedly, a sweet smile on his face.
“You even have my name on it.” I pointed to the letters S and M.
“Sawyer Montgomery.”
Zac shook his head this time. “It’s for Superman, because you’re my
hero,” he said.
My chest tightened, minimizing the news I’d received that morning.
Moments like this lessened the blow of my newly found diagnosis—maybe
my sacrifices weren’t in vain after all. “I will display this in my office and
think of you whenever I look at it,” I said, and opened his chart to start his
appointment.

***

I sat on my couch with the blinds open, watching the storm outside.
Lightning flashed, illuminating my dark living room. My phone vibrated
with a text. I stared at my phone and the scribbles on Dr. Peters’s card,
trying to find the courage to face reality. I’d avoided it all day, hoping she’d
call to let me know there had been a mistake, that I didn’t have cancer. I
knew better. I entered the number on my cell and, after a couple of rings,
she answered.
“Hi, Dr. Peters. This is Sawyer. Sawyer Montgomery.”
“Sawyer. I’m glad you called. Let me walk to my office,” she said.
Muffled laughter and what sounded like “I need to take this, honey” carried
through the receiver. “Are you still there?” she asked after a few seconds.
 “Yes. I’m sorry to call this late and for interrupting your evening with
your family.” It was seven o’clock and way past her working hours, but I
had a lot of questions. Questions I hadn’t been able to ask earlier because of
the shock—or maybe it was denial.
“It’s quite alright, Sawyer. I’m glad you called,” she reassured me.
“What are your questions?”
“What’s my prognosis?” I hit her with the hardest one. There was no
need to go around in circles since I knew where this conversation would
lead.
“There aren’t a lot of studies about this subtype, so it’s hard to tell,” she
said.
“Please, just tell me,” I pleaded. I didn’t want her to continue with
generic answers. I needed her to tell me the truth, no matter how gloomy it
was.
A deep breath preceded her next words. “Without treatment, maybe six
months to a year. There will be days when you’ll feel fine, and there will be
days when getting up is a chore. I mentioned my colleague in Baltimore
because she’s the go-to physician for this.” The sound of a keyboard
clicking filled the silence. “She developed a protocol with a group of
scientists and they currently have patients enrolled in their panel.”
“Experimental?” I asked.
“That’s correct. There’s only a couple in the country,” Dr. Peters
answered.
That explained the lack of studies and data about my kind of cancer.
“What’s involved in the protocol?”
“Stem cell, immunotherapy, chemo, and radiation therapy. I can have
her team set you up for a video conference if you want. I’m sending you
some information right now.”
“What a combo. Will…” I paused and thought about all possible
outcomes, including the worst-case scenario. My specialty was nowhere
near dealing with cancer patients, but I knew enough to understand that my
treatments could defeat me. “Will the treatment kill me?” I asked.
Another silence followed by a sigh. “I’m so sorry, Sawyer. I wish I had
a better answer for you.”
“So basically my options are not do anything and live for another six
months, or have the treatment, feel like I’m dying, and it could potentially
kill me. Is that what you’re saying?” I ignored the way my voice broke.
“Or it could work. Let’s not forget that,” Dr. Peters said.
I admired her optimism. “Let me do my research and I’ll let you know.”
I leaned my head on the cushion and stared at the shadows on the ceiling.
“I said this earlier today, but don’t wait too long, Sawyer.”
“I won’t. I just have to…” I placed the phone on my chest as the
floodgates of tears I’d been holding back all day opened. A sob ripped
through my chest. This is unfair. I cleared my throat and picked up my
phone. “I have to do a couple of things first,” I said through sniffs.
I thought about my estranged husband, Hawkins. I pictured the Alaskan
home where our dreams were made, and wept for our failed happily ever
after.
“I understand. I’m here whenever you need anything.”
“Thank you.” I said my goodbye and let the tears fall until they lulled
me to sleep.
 ***

I walked through the hospital corridor, passing by offices all the way to the
last room, where a Thomas Green, MD Neurodevelopmental Medicine,
Division Chief brass sign was fastened to the door. “Do you have a few
minutes, Dr. Green?” I asked after knocking.
Dr. Green—who was my mentor and boss—looked up from his monitor.
“Of course. Sawyer! Come in.” He motioned to one of the seats in front of
his mahogany desk, which was covered in scattered medical journals.
“How’s everything?”
“I’m not sure yet,” I said. I looked around his office and marveled at the
framed photos of his family on the wall. Everyone had huge smiles on their
faces. An unexpected sense of longing armed with envy hit me like a freight
train straight to the heart. “How do you do it?” I asked.
“Do what, Sawyer?”
“Do this,” I said, gesturing to the other side of the wall where his
accomplishments were displayed. “And have this?” I pointed to the picture
of him and his wife sitting on top of his desk. They must’ve been on a
vacation on a tropical island, judging by the beach and palm trees behind
them.
“It hasn’t been easy,” he said. He grabbed the frame, tracing his wife’s
smiling face with his fingers. “We were tested on many occasions,
especially early on. But together, we weathered the storms.”
“I’m glad you did.”
 “We’re different, you and I. Our responsibilities don’t end when we step
out of the hospital, you know. They stay with us.” He placed his hand on his
chest where his heart was. “And they consume us up here.” The same hand
traveled to his temple. “But I don’t need to tell you that.”
“No.” I knew it too well—well enough to cost me the greatest love of
my life.
“It’s about finding balance. You’re young and you have all the time in
the world to figure out what that balance means to you.”
A dry laugh escaped me. What a colossal joke my life had turned out to
be. You have all the time in the world. If only that was true. “I’m here to ask
you about an extended time off.”
“What for?” he asked.
“Medical.”
“What’s wrong?” Dr. Green stood and closed the door before occupying
the chair next to me. “Is it bad?”
I took a deep breath. “It’s leukemia.” It was the first time I’d told
anyone since I found out yesterday. I surprised myself that I wasn’t bawling
after my declaration.
“Shit,” he whispered and leaned back, running his hand across his short
hair. “What kind?”
“Acute lymphoblastic.”
“Oh, Sawyer, I am so sorry.”
“Me too. My oncologist wants me to start treatment soon. An
experimental treatment.”
“Where?” he asked.
“Johns Hopkins.”
He nodded.
 “I’d like to take some time off starting right away. I know it’s short
notice, but I have a couple of things to take care of and need to start
treatment.” I’d spent the entire morning going back and forth about what to
do, but I set aside the guilt of failing my patients and focused on one thing:
Hawkins. Something I should’ve done a long time ago. Even though it
might be too late.
“Of course. Whatever you need.” Shock still painted Dr. Green’s face
and he almost looked as pale as me.
“Is it okay if we keep this between you and me for now? I’ll tell the
team when I get back.”
“Are you going to tell him?” he asked. He knew about Hawkins from
my fellowship interview four years ago. He’d been asking about him for
years, until I told him that Hawkins didn’t join me in Oregon.
“I’m going to Alaska tonight.” That was as far as my plan went. What
was I going to say to him? Hello there. Please forgive me. I’m dying.

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 Three: Hawkins

Disrupted Peace

S weat stung my eyes when I glanced behind me to check what had

made my pack of huskies excited, their howls bouncing off the cliffs
surrounding my seaside house. With all the snow melting, losing its battle
with the warm Alaskan spring day, the sounds around us were no longer
muffled and everything echoed, magnifying my solitude. Solitude that I
preferred, especially after patrolling the tourist-packed streets of Seward.
People from all over the world dominated the town courtesy of fancy
behemoth ships.
I hate cruise season.
My dogs’ chains clanged as they jumped up with excitement. I wiped
the sweat and dust off my forehead with the back of my free hand and
whistled to get them to stop. My call momentarily halted their rampage.
I resumed chopping the rest of the wood from the logs I’d gathered four
weeks ago. Has it really been that long since I took any time off? I shook
my head and swung the ax over my head, the cedar splitting where the
sharp metal made contact. The two pieces fell to the ground, where the last
traces of winter were slowly melting.
 The brief silence was broken by more barking, more insistent this time.
They were tugging the metal leash to break free, their front legs up in the
air.
“Topaz,” I called, hoping that calming the leader of the pack would
make the rest follow. No luck, since all I managed to do was get him more
riled up. I walked toward the wooden pens where four of my Siberian
huskies lived, reaching over each one and rubbing their backs to soothe
them. “What’s got you all worked up this early?” It was amazing how much
Topaz had grown since Sawyer and I adopted him three years ago. The
other three dogs were rescued.
They resumed barking in the direction of my dirt driveway. I glanced
over my shoulder and noticed a black car breaking through the morning fog,
stopping fifty feet from my property.
I stared at the car, trying to figure out who my surprise visitor was.
“Who do we have here, guys?” I wasn’t expecting anyone, and my closest
neighbor was about ten miles away. Plus, the parked car was too small to be
one of the locals. Most Alaskans in this neck of the woods drove trucks.
“So much for a peaceful day off,” I murmured.
The car engine stopped, the headlights turned off, and goosebumps
covered the back of my neck when a silhouette of a man came into focus.
I held my breath. My heart raced. It couldn’t be. There was no fucking
way. For a minute, I couldn’t think. Nothing made sense. My world was
spinning off its axis. In which lifetime would my husband be here? It was
odd to still call him that considering we hadn’t seen or heard from each
other for three years, six months and—I glanced at my watch to check the
date—four days, but who was counting?
 Sawyer? I closed my eyes, thinking his vision would be gone when I
opened them. It wasn’t the first time I’d conjured his presence. I’d seen him
when walking around this place, where we’d promised to spend our lives
together. He was there when I was alone in my bed in the middle of the
night, but he was gone as fast as I imagined him. Those images came with
anguish, pain, and anger, but that was the price I was willing to pay just to
get me through loneliness.
Slowly, I opened my eyes, and when they adjusted to the morning sun,
the figment of my imagination I was sure would be gone was still there,
watching me. Heartache came in droves, and the callus that had formed
around my heart all those years ago was no match for the man looking at
me.
He got out of the vehicle, one leg at a time, not breaking eye contact. He
gripped the car door before closing it. He put both of his hands in his
pockets and walked toward me. Every step sent me back to the past, one
year at a time, until he was a few feet away, and I was nine years removed
to the first time I’d gazed into those slate blue eyes. I could still remember
it as if it was yesterday.

***

Nine Years Ago

“Hey, bro!” my roommate, Chase, called after my psychology class. He

walked against the crowd of students leaving the classroom to get to me.
“Wanna join the guys for lunch?”
I waved to Matt and Blake, who had just entered the classroom, before
returning my attention back to Chase. “Not today, man. I’m heading to the
library.”
“Library?” he asked. “What’re you gonna do there?”
“Study,” I said, fist-bumping Blake and Matt when they reached us.
“Are we leaving?” Blake asked.
“Hawkins is not going with us,” Chase said. “He’s going to the
library.”
“Why?” Matt asked.
“To study. That’s what the library is for.” I glanced at my watch. If I
didn’t go then, I would miss him.
“I’m not buying it,” Chase said. “Try again.”
“Come on, Hawkins, you know the future lawyer here won’t let you off
the hook until you tell him the real reason why you’re ditching us. Again.”
Blake elbowed a grinning Chase. He was right. Chase was born to be a
lawyer. “So what’s up?”
I blew out a breath.
Chase spoke before I had the chance to make up another lame-ass
excuse. “And don’t say to study,” he said.
“You laugh, you die,” I warned my friends. “I’m going there to see a
guy.”
“I knew it!” Chase exclaimed. “What’s his name?”
“Well…I don’t know,” I admitted.
“You haven’t even talked to this guy?” Blake asked.
“No,” I answered. “I saw him there when I made copies of my thesis
last week, but I was too nervous to talk to him.”
 “What happened to your game, Hawkins?” Blake taunted.
“Fuck off, my game is just fine.”
“What makes you think he’s going to be there today?” Chase asked,
eyeing me. “You’ve been at the library every day instead of hanging with
us, haven’t you?”
Damn him. I scratched the back of my neck. “Maybe.” I’d seen him
there at the same time every day that week.
“I never pegged you for a stalker,” Matt teased.
“That’s not stalking,” I said, walking past them. They followed.
“Is he even gay?” Chase asked.
“I think so.”
Chase grabbed my arm, halting us in the hallway. “Dude. What do you
mean, ‘I think so’?”
“I think he is. We made eye contact and I got that vibe. Trust me. I can
tell.” I couldn’t explain it either. My gaydar was on full alert when we made
that connection. It was a mere five seconds, but I knew he was. I hoped he
was. “You breeders won’t understand.” It was the nickname I teasingly
called my three straight friends. They seemed to like it.
“We’ll go with you then,” Chase insisted.
“Like hell you are! Let me figure this out first,” I protested. “I could be
way off here, but I have to try.”
I held my breath. The three of them exchanged glances before Chase
said, “Okay. We’ll see you at the party tonight.”
“Thank you,” I said, and jogged across the cobblestone sidewalk to the
library.
“Good luck!” Matt yelled after me
I gave a thumbs-up and ran faster. Please be there.
 I was panting, my burning lungs gulping for air from the three-block
sprint. I entered the library and said a prayer as my Library Man lifted his
head the moment the door opened, as though he was expecting someone. I
waved with my shaky hand and he smiled nervously. I looked around the
quiet room for a place to sit and decided on the table in front of him. I sat in
the chair facing him, plugged in my laptop because the battery was low, and
pretended to study.
He resumed reading, and I pulled my developmental psychology
textbook from my backpack. I guess I’m reading Sigmund Freud today.
I dared a look at his wavy brown hair, imagining how soft the curls
would be between my fingers. My sight fixated on his right hand flipping
through pages of his textbook; the vein on the back of it was doing all sorts
of things to me. I could think of things I wanted to do with that hand.
He lifted his index finger to his mouth and his tongue darted to wet it. I
groaned and followed its movement as he flipped more pages. I pulled my
backpack from the table and placed it on my lap to hide the swelling girth
in my pants. He glanced up, but immediately turned his head down when he
saw me staring at him. He grabbed his pen and clicked the end repeatedly.
One. Two. Three, I counted before standing up. The sound of my chair
skidding on the floor echoed through the canyon of bookshelves. All eyes
were on me, including Library Man’s, heightening the stakes of my decision.
It’s too late to chicken out now.
Library Man leaned back, clicking his pen a little faster the closer I got
but stopped when I was standing next to him. His blue eyes were a perfect
contrast to his dark brown hair. His square jaw was prominent, framing his
clean-shaven face. His red lips opened. “Hi,” he said. His baritone voice
was sweet, just what I’d imagined.
 “Umm, hi.” I looked around, thankful that everyone had resumed their
studies. “Is this seat taken?” I asked in a lame attempt to start a
conversation.
He didn’t answer, but nodded.
Fuck! That wasn’t the answer I was hoping for. “Oh, okay. Thanks.” I
turned back toward my seat, but hesitated before taking my first step.
“You can join me,” the guy said.
I released the breath I was holding and smiled.
“Isn’t that what you asked me?” he whispered when I was facing him
again.
It wasn’t, but I found solace that he appeared to be as flustered as I was.
“Yes, totally. Thank you.” No need to embarrass him. Redness was already
creeping across his handsome face. “Let me grab my stuff.”
“Okay,” he said, and hastily stuffed some books into his backpack,
making room for me.
“Hawkins,” I reached out a hand over the table separating me and Mr.
Jawline.
“Sawyer,” he answered, and took my extended hand, his touch causing
my stomach to flutter with excitement. There was a sensation I’d never felt
before. “Hawkins.” The way my name sounded coming from him was sexy
as fuck. “That’s a cool name.”
“Thank you. It’s actually my last name. My full name is Jace Hawkins,”
I explained.
“I like it,” he said. “A lot.” He was still holding my hand seconds after
he’d introduced himself, and as much as I wanted to keep holding his, I
pulled away to avoid looking like two idiots shaking hands while grinning
like maniacs.
 ***

“Are you doing anything tonight?” I asked Sawyer on our way out of the
library. I’d been correct. Sawyer was gay, and I may or may not have
whooped internally when he confirmed that tidbit of information. I peeked
at my watch and was surprised that we’d been talking for almost three
hours. I’d even missed my next class. But it’d been worth it. I’d have to
remember to ask one of my friends for notes later.
“Um, just studying, I guess,” he said.
“On a Friday night?” I stopped walking and faced him. “Are you
serious?”
“It’s just another evening,” he answered.
“No, it isn’t. It’s Friday night.”
Sawyer shrugged.
“Wanna come out with me tonight?” I asked.
“Where are you going?” Sawyer’s eyes sparkled under the bright
Southern Californian sky.
“A party at my friend’s house.”
“Oh, I don’t know. That’s not really my thing,” he said, to my dismay.
Maybe the guys were right. My game was shot. “What? Having fun isn’t
your thing?” I regretted that question as soon as it left my mouth.
“I know how to have fun,” he answered defensively, and looked
everywhere but at me. His face fell and I cursed myself for insinuating that
he didn’t know how to have fun. He continued walking and I thought about
ways to redeem myself. He probably thought I was a jerk whose sole reason
for going to college was to party.
The rest of the way was awkward and I only had me, myself, and my
sorry ass to blame.
“My next class is here,” Sawyer said. He glanced up the hall and then
back to me, uncertainty on his face. He clicked the pen he was holding,
waiting for me to say something.
“May I?” I pointed to his pen.
He frowned but handed it to me.
I held his hand and scribbled on his palm. His touch was hotter than the
sun. “Here’s the address for tonight if you change your mind. Just to hang
out.”
“I have to go. I don’t want to be late,” he said, staring at my writing.
“I’ll think about it.” He waved his hand with my writing up in the air.
I watched him walk away, hoping he would turn around so I could see
his gorgeous face one more time. He slowed down and I waited until he
turned slowly, giving me the sweetest smile.
Thank god for that. Maybe not all was lost.

***

“Bro! Will you stop staring at the door,” Chase said when he found me in
the living room. “Didn’t he say partying wasn’t his thing?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was just taking a little
break.” I didn’t know why I even bothered with an excuse since Chase could
see right through me. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
“Okay, hurry. You’re missing the party,” he said before heading out.
The beat of the music and din from the rowdy crowd outside traveled in
when the back door opened.
More and more students arrived, filling Matt’s backyard. Convinced that
Sawyer wasn’t coming, I stood up and decided to join my friends. Halfway
between the couch and the glass sliding door, a familiar reflection stopped
me in my tracks and I looked behind me. “Sawyer! You made it.” My
excitement was uncontained and I closed the distance between us, thinking
about hugging him.
Sawyer took the decision from me with an awkward handshake. “I hope
it’s not too late.”
“Of course not. I’m glad you came. Let me introduce you to my
friends.” We made our way out to the patio and I beckoned to Matt, Blake,
and Chase. “Hey, guys, this is Sawyer. This is Blake, Matt, and Chase.”
“Nice to meet you.” Sawyer shook their hands.
“I’m glad you made it, Sawyer. Hawkins has been glaring at the door
waiting for you to show up since he got here,” Chase teased.
“Shut up, dude.” I placed him in a headlock to try to stop him from
saying anything embarrassing. “Lay off the drinks, man. You’re talking
crazy.”
“Alright, alright.” Chase raised his arms in surrender, beer sloshing
onto the wooden deck.
“Make yourself at home,” Matt said, leaving us alone to greet the other
new arrivals.
“They seem nice,” Sawyer said when my friends were gone.
 The music blared just as I was about to say something. Over Sawyer’s
shoulder, I saw a couple of guys playing with the sound system.
“Let me get you something to drink,” I yelled. Sawyer nodded and we
went to the overloaded table. “Beer, wine, or shots? Pizza?”
“Do you have any soda?” he asked.
“You don’t drink?”
He shook his head. “I can’t drink,” he said, leaning closer so I could
hear him. His breath fanned the back of my ears and I shivered.
I brought my face closer to his and asked, “What do you mean?” I took
the opportunity to inhale his scent. He smelled fresh, like mint and linen.
What I wouldn’t give to have the chance to bury my nose in his neck to get
lost in his scent.
“Can we go somewhere quiet?” he shouted.
“Follow me.” I grabbed two sodas from the bucket of ice and led him to
the front of the house, where a two-person metal swing hung. It creaked as
we sat down and Sawyer used his legs to push the swing back and forth.
I opened one of the cans and handed it to him.
“I’m not twenty-one yet,” he blurted.
“What? But I thought you said you’re a junior?” We were nearing the
end of this school year and he said he’d been here for three years so I
assumed he was twenty-one like me.
“I am, but I graduated from high school a couple of years early. I’m
only nineteen,” he explained.
I opened the other can and took a quick gulp.
“You don’t drink either?” Sawyer asked.
“No,” I said, shaking my head.
“You’re not twenty-one either?”
 “I am twenty-one,” I answered. “Just never got into it.” He didn’t need
to know that I didn’t drink because I didn’t want to turn out to be like my
dad, who chose alcohol over the only family he had left. He didn’t need to
know that the smell of alcohol made me sick to my stomach, that I couldn’t
even use mouthwash, fearing that the tiniest ounce of alcohol would turn me
into my dad.
“Oh, okay.” Sawyer swigged from the can and my eyes traveled to his
jaw, which I suddenly found hot as hell, down his neck and further down his
body, where his gray UCLA T-shirt hugged his muscular body. He wasn’t as
beefy as me, but I could tell that he spent time at the gym, or some other
activity to stay fit. “So…” He trailed off. “What kind of fun things do you
do out here?”
I didn’t miss the way he emphasized the word fun. “Listen, I didn’t mean
to imply that you’re boring—”
“Boring?” He took another swig of his drink. “Do you think I’m
boring?”
Fuck! I needed to do damage control, fast. “No. No, I didn’t mean that.”
I gulped a mouthful of soda to buy time to figure out a way to salvage this
conversation. “What I meant earlier was…” Goddamn it, I need to finish
that statement.
“What did you mean?” Sawyer asked. A grin spread across his face,
morphing into a laugh.
“You’re awful,” I said.
“So I’m awful and boring.” He pointed to himself. “Ouch! Here I was
thinking I was charming.”
This version of Sawyer was different to the shy guy earlier today, and I
was mesmerized.
 “I’m supposed to be the charming one,” I said. I was always the
charming one. My friends said that I tried too hard to charm and please
everyone around me, but I hated disappointing people. I know the reason
was rooted in my fear of being a neglected teenager once again. I rid myself
of those thoughts and focused on his sparkling blue eyes.
“You can’t be hot and charming. That’s just not fair,” he teased. “Leave
some for the rest of us.”
“So you think I’m hot?” I placed my left arm on the back of the swing;
the cool iron rod did nothing to cool off the rising temperature between us.
“Don’t tell me you haven’t heard that.” He leaned back, my tattooed
arm almost touching his shoulders.
“Never. But you can tell me anytime.” I winked.
“I’m taking it back.”
“You can’t unsay things. Nope, too late for that.”
“Liar!” He laughed. “Those guys out there”—Sawyer hooked his
thumb behind him where the party was—“either wanna be with you or be
like you.”
“Which of the guys are you?” I looked into his eyes.
Sawyer answered with a shrug, but I didn’t push. He was thoughtful for
a while before sipping his drink. “What’s your plan after college?” he
asked.
“I wanna be a cop,” I answered, my eyes never leaving his face. The
street light and the full moon were our only other companions, making
everything more vibrant. “I plan to join the police academy after college.
How about you?”
“Pre-med.” He gazed into my eyes when he answered, but looked away
after a few seconds.
 “That’s intense. You must be super smart.”
Another shrug, something I noticed he did a lot.
“Sawyer?” I asked after a few minutes when the lingering silence
became uncomfortable.
“Yeah?”
“Wanna hang out sometime?”
“We’re hanging out now,” he said.
“Not like this, but like on a date,” I clarified.
“Oh, I don’t know. You seem like a nice guy but—”
“And don’t forget hot,” I teased hoping to charm my way into seeing
him again since I knew where he was heading. “Your word not mine.” I
waggled my eyebrows.
He chuckled and, for a moment, I thought he’d change his mind, but I
was proven wrong. “It’s not a great time for me to do that right now. With
finals and med school. I can’t afford any distractions at the moment.”
“I get that.” I didn’t, but what could I say to that? It was for the best.
Sawyer seemed to be the kind of guy who had his shit together. Someone
like him didn’t involve himself with a guy like me.
“I’m sorry, Hawkins.” His voice faltered, eyes softening.
“No worries. We could still be friends though, right?”
“Absolutely,” Sawyer agreed.
“Great.” I raised my can for a toast. “To friendship!”
“To finding new friends.” Sawyer tapped his can against mine and
smiled. The kind of smile that could heal. The kind of smile that promised
home. A pang of jealousy coursed through me for the lucky guy who would
get to call Sawyer his.
 ***

I couldn’t take my eyes off Sawyer, just like the first time we met, just like
when we used to be together. His presence elicited a familiar response.
You’re angry, Hawkins. He’s the man who hurt you, my brain kept
repeating. I swapped my expression from shocked to a mask of indifference
when we stood face to face. I clenched my jaw and bit my lip to refrain
from asking him what the hell he was doing here. Because I didn’t care. I
didn’t care about him and the reason he was there. What I cared about was
when he was leaving.
I needed him gone.
Sawyer looked a little tired, perhaps from the trip to Alaska. He was
leaner since I last saw him three years ago. He was probably on one of
those fancy diets. He wore his hair differently too. He kept it short, but you
couldn’t miss the soft waves. The soft curls that felt like silk.
My eyes traveled down to his neck, where a thin silver chain hung
holding a familiar gold band. I swallowed hard at the reminder of the
broken promise of that ring. My stare traveled back to Sawyer’s teary blue
eyes.
“Hi,” he said nervously. The confidence in his voice was gone, taking
me by surprise.
Hold your ground. He hurt you.

OceanofPDF.com
 Four: Sawyer

Familiar Stranger

T he initial shock on Hawkins’s face when he realized that I was his

unwelcome guest faded away. It was replaced by furrowed brows, a
clenched jaw, and pursed lips. He gripped the handle of his ax and stuffed
his left hand in his jeans. He turned his back to me without a single word
and walked toward the side of the house, which looked different to the one
we had built together all those years ago. Although it still had the original
shape, the fences and the addition of an unfinished second story made it
appear much bigger. The roofline was covered with solar panels, and a
skinny tower with a windmill spinning on top was in the back. Next to it
was a frosted-glass structure with green vines and plants inside.
The house we’d built now looked like a home, and a dull ache traveled
through my chest. Suddenly, I found it harder to breathe. Whether it was
from yearning or my illness, I couldn’t tell.
I was a fool. Youth had given me a false sense of hope. I thought I had
forever to live my life and make things right.
I was so wrong.
“What are you doing here?” Hawkins’s deep voice cut through my pity
party and I hadn’t even realized that the dogs had stopped barking. He
didn’t turn around, but I could tell he was anxious even without seeing his
face. His shoulders were tense; his posture stiff.
I cleared my throat and summoned my courage to tell him the reason for
my visit. I needed to apologize for breaking our marriage up and for
choosing my career over him. I needed to tell him I was there to say one
final goodbye. The problem was I didn’t know where or how to start.
“So?” he asked, looking back at me. He set the ax aside and glanced
around as if he much preferred being anywhere but standing near me. Who
could blame him, really? “Sawyer,” he barked. His voice was harsh;
chilling.
I flinched. The way he said my name no longer sounded like a lullaby.
The melody of his affection was gone and my name was diminished to
nothing but a bark. “I just wanted to talk,” I said.
Hawkins huffed out a breath followed by a derisive smile. “Talk about
what?” He grabbed the ax, getting ready to resume splitting wood. “We
don’t have anything to talk about.”
“I need to tell you something and I was hoping—”
“I’m not interested in what you gotta say. You’re wasting your precious
time, Sawyer.”
Time. It’s precious. I know that now. He didn’t know, but he was right, I
could have very little left.
“You better go back to your hotel, or wherever you are from these days.
Probably some fancy hospital,” he growled, pulling his left hand out of his
pocket to pick up a log. “Shit,” he murmured. He must’ve realized his
mistake, but it was too late to take it back.
There it was, the golden ring that matched the one around my neck. His
ring was still on his finger. The same ring we’d exchanged six years ago
with the promise to spend the rest of our lives together. When Hawkins was
mine and I was his.

***

Seven Years Ago

The warm California summer breeze carried the scent of honeysuckles,

white roses, and calla lilies under the white tent overlooking the glistening
Pacific Ocean. My parents offered their waterfront home for our wedding,
and since Hawkins and I were still in college, living on our own, we
accepted the invitation. We also didn’t want to decline either of their offers
—the other one being the money for our wedding.
Hawkins and I were on the same page when it came to our special day.
We wanted to use what we’d saved. We didn’t have a lot, but it was enough
to make the day memorable. “We’ll have a big celebration when we’re done
with school and training,” he’d said when we were planning.
“Our grooms prepared vows for each other,” my father, who was
officiating the occasion, said to our family and friends. “Would you like to
start, Sawyer?”
I reached out and held both of Hawkins’s hands, his face beaming with
joy. I looked into his blue eyes and smiled. “You were a pain in the ass when
I first met you, Jace Hawkins.” Everyone laughed, including him.
“I was,” he said to the crowd of suits and cocktail dresses, proud about
my admission. “He kept saying no.” That earned us even louder chuckles.
 I squeezed his hand to bring his attention back to me. His smile was
blinding, making me forget my vows. His black-and-white tuxedo that
matched mine accentuated his physique, taking my breath away.
He brought our joined hands to his lips and kissed them one at a time.
“Sorry, hubby,” he apologized.
“Not yet,” I teased.
“Well, let’s change that,” he said, followed by a kiss. He darted his
tongue and I opened my lips to let him in. Howling and whistles erupted,
forgetting we were in the middle of a garden full of people. “I’m not even
sorry,” he said after our mouths parted.
“Now, where were we?” Dad snickered.
I cleared my throat and continued. “You kept hounding me. Everywhere
I looked, you were there. The library. The gym. The park.” Hawkins and I
both laughed at the recollection of our meeting years ago. My parents were
worried that we were too young to get married in our early twenties, but
Hawkins and I were different. Our love transcended any age and we
couldn’t wait to start our forever. “Then you showed up when I needed you
the most.” His face turned serious, his eyes welling. “I am so glad you
didn’t give up on me because I would have missed out on the greatest love
of my life. Thank you for being my partner. My rock. My love. I can’t wait to
spend the rest of my life with you.”
Hawkins used our joined hands to wipe away my tears and then his.
“Hawkins,” my dad said.
Hawkins nodded, trying to compose himself. “Sawyer.” His grip on my
hands tightened. “I knew there was something special about you from the
moment I met you. I didn’t know it then, but you had given me something I’d
been looking for: home.” Hawkins paused; his lips trembled.
 I squeezed his hand tighter and brought it to my lips once again. He
didn’t need to say anything; I could feel it from the passion in his touch and
the adoration in his eyes.
“You made me feel like I finally belonged to someone. You are the only
constant in the field of changes in my life. You are the love of my life, my
family, my yesterday, today, and tomorrow.” Hawkins took a deep breath as
more tears fell from his eyes, but he didn’t bother to wipe them that time. “I
promise to love you for the rest of my life, and to bug the shit out of you.”
Our family and friends laughed but Hawkins’s face remained serious. “I
will move all the mountains for you, and I will always be there for you until
I take my last breath.” He wrapped his palm around the back of my neck,
pulling our faces together. “I love you, Sawyer Montgomery.”
“I love you too, Jace Hawkins.” We stared into each other’s eyes,
cementing our bond. A union that was stronger than any piece of paper. At
that moment in time, our forever was promised. He was mine and I was his.
“Can we have the rings?” Dad asked Chase, who handed Hawkins
mine.
“You and me, that’s all that matters,” he whispered, and slid the gold
band onto my left ring finger.
I nodded because I believed him.
My best friend Isaac handed me Hawkins’s band. “Congratulations,
man,” he said, and tapped my shoulder.
I slid the ring onto Hawkins’s finger. Joy filled my heart. “You and me.
Forever,” I said.
“I now pronounce you husband and husband.”
Clapping and cheering exploded from the crowd after we kissed for the
first time as a married couple. The music played, ushering us to our version
of happily ever after.

***

“Sounds like I’m catching you at the wrong time,” I said.

“There’s no right time to catch me. Not for you anyway.” Hawkins still
had his back to me.
“I’ll come back.” The courage I thought I had was evaporating into thin
air. There was no sense talking to Hawkins. I doubted I could get him to
listen to me. Not when his guard was up.
“Still wouldn’t be interested.” He swung the ax and continued chopping
logs.
I turned around and headed back to the car. I still needed to find a place
to stay for the night because I doubted Hawkins was going to let me stay in
his house. I hoped he’d stop me but he didn’t utter another word. I watched
the arc of the ax as he chopped wood. His determination to ignore me and
the viciousness of his swing encouraged me to get back into the rental. I
couldn’t keep my eyes off the man I loved while I started the engine and
backed down the drive. I could still hear the soft thwack of the ax as I
pulled away. The sudden howling of one of the dogs echoed my pain. I
hoped tomorrow’s visit would be different.
I’d forgotten how beautiful it was in this part of Alaska. The winding
road carved into the side of the granite mountain hugged the shoreline of
the light blue sea. Across the water was a valley divided by a river, with
evergreen pines everywhere you looked.
 Once I reached town, a nagging feeling that walking away had been a
mistake chewed at me.
Don’t waste another day, a voice in my head kept repeating, giving me
one last push to do what I came here for. After finding a safe place to turn, I
stepped on the gas and the car roared back to Hawkins’s place. Thankful
that the road was empty, I sped up.
A siren sounded, and blinking red-and-blue lights appeared behind me.
“Goddamn it!” I pulled over while looking into my rearview.
I waited for a minute then lowered my window when an officer tapped
on the glass.
“In a hurry there, man?” he asked. He placed his tinted Ray-Bans on his
head, his hair styled in a drop fade with waves. His light brown eyes
looking down at me.
“A little,” I answered as I admired his mocha skin and neatly trimmed
black beard hair that faded near his ears.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?” Officer Stokes, according to his
name plate, hooked his thumbs in his black garrison belt.
Do they all pose like that? “Was I going too fast?” I asked, flashing him
my sweetest smile.
“You were going fifty in a thirty,” he explained. “License and
registration, please.”
I handed him my license before grabbing my rental car registration from
the glovebox. “This is a rental. I’m visiting from Oregon.”
“Who’re you visiting”—he looked at my driver’s license—“Sawyer
Montgomery?”
I debated whether or not to tell him I was there to visit my husband. He
must know Hawkins. But what if he didn’t tell anyone he was married?
 “Sir?” he asked.
I couldn’t believe I was about to drop Hawkins’s name to get out of a
ticket, but I needed to get back to him. “I’m here to visit my husband, Jace
Hawkins,” I blurted. “Do you know him?”
“Hawkins?” His forehead wrinkled in confusion. “Jace Hawkins is your
husband?” He chuckled, like what I had said was a joke.
“Yes,” I said defensively.
“I’ll be right back,” he said.
I watched his image as he walked to his patrol car, appearing smaller
from my side mirror. He was probably calling him. “I’m such an idiot.”
What if this small town didn’t know he was married, not to mention gay?
A couple of minutes passed before Officer Stokes got out of his car,
grinning. “Consider this a warning, Sawyer.” He handed me my license and
registration back.
“Am I free to go?” I asked.
“Yes, but slow down.”
“Thank you.” I turned the ignition and the engine purred back to life.
Officer Stokes spoke before I drove off. “And nice to meet you, Sawyer.
Welcome to Alaska.” He offered his hand and I shook it. “Enjoy your visit.”
“Thank you. You didn’t happen to call him, did you?”
“I did. Hawkins and I are friends, and this is a surprise.” He winked
before putting his sunglasses back on.
Great. Just great. I drove away, slower now.
Hawkins was waiting in the middle of the driveway; his muscular
tattooed arms distracting me momentarily. I focused on the ax he gripped
like a lifeline before studying his pinched lips and shaking head. With the
way my life was going right now, things were bound to go sideways.
OceanofPDF.com
 Five: Hawkins

Same Person, but Different

I was pacing back and forth, fuming. What the fuck was he doing
parading around town telling everyone we were married? I kicked
another small rock on the ground before planting myself in the middle of
my driveway and watching Sawyer approach. It had taken a good minute
before I was able to convince Stokes to hang up with a promise to tell him
everything the next time we saw each other.
Everyone in the sheriff’s office knew I was gay. I didn’t have a problem
with that. But no one knew I was married. Same reason I only wore my ring
when I was home, and that had been a mistake since I was sure Sawyer saw
it. He probably thought I was a pathetic loser waiting for my husband to
return. Fuck me!
Sawyer looked unsure when got out of his car and softly closed the
door. His walk from his rental car was the longest minute of my life. The
uncertainty on his face was highlighted by his awkward smile. Good. He
wasn’t welcome here anymore. “I talked myself out of a ticket just now,” he
joked. His trembling words were followed by a shaky laugh.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I growled.
 Sawyer recoiled, but stood his ground. “I told you. I need to talk to
you,” he insisted. His voice was better than the mopey dog tone from
earlier.
“And I told you I’m not interested,” I clapped back.
There was something unusual about Sawyer, but I couldn’t put my
finger on it. He seemed off. But then again, what did I really know? We
were together for years, and I thought I was his priority, that our marriage
was the most important thing in our lives. Look where that got us. We were
familiar strangers with one piece of paper and two worthless rings binding
us together.
I was harsh to him. I knew it, but he deserved every bit of it. Who in
their right mind would use his estranged husband’s connections to get out of
a ticket? No one! I hadn’t heard from him these past three years, and all of a
sudden, I was his husband so he could get out of trouble. I don’t fucking
think so. I also needed to stop calling him my husband.
Sawyer peeled his gaze from my left hand, where the other half of our
wedding bands taunted us both, and glanced nervously at the ax I was
attempting to strangle. We had planned to replace the rings when we could
afford better ones. It was a long time ago. Although it was no longer a
symbol of promise, my ring was a disappointing reminder that I chose to
wear to convince myself I had made the right decision to leave him and
continue the life I’d always wanted, even if it meant being alone.
“You wanna talk?” I pointed my finger at him. “Then talk.” I tossed the
ax to the muddy grass, where it made a satisfying thwap, and crossed my
arms over my chest. “You have two minutes.”
“Now? Right here?” he asked.
 Why does he look so tired? It didn’t matter. Sawyer. Wasn’t. My.
Problem. “I have to be somewhere, so if you have something to say, just say
it.” I glanced at my watch. “You have a minute and forty seconds left.” I
didn’t have any plans, but that was the first excuse I could think of to get
Sawyer out of my hair and hopefully out of Alaska.
Sawyer zipped up his green jacket and placed his hands in his pockets.
“Oh, it’s okay. You should go. I can come back later.”
That statement didn’t sit well with me. I didn’t need his permission.
He turned around and almost tripped while fishing his keys from his
pants. The keys immediately dropped. He squatted and stayed still for a
brief moment before picking them up. He pressed his temples with his
fingers and his body swayed as he stood, causing him to lose his balance.
Sawyer was in my arms before I could even register what was
happening. Mud spattered from my dash to get to him and break his fall.
His body pressed against mine, my hand traveled down his back, which
trembled under my touch.
A flash of fear flickered on Sawyer’s face. “Head rush,” he said. “I
stood up too quickly.”
My grip on his bicep tightened, and I couldn’t help but notice that it was
less pronounced than I remembered. It was still bigger than most guys’, but
he’d definitely lost some muscle mass.
Maybe it was his leaner physique that made him look different. What
else could it be? Our eyes met and his slate blue ones studied mine. That
jawline that used to drive me out of my mind were more prominent, and I
fought the urge to run my finger across it. His breath was hot, the familiar
scent enthralling me like it once did. I stripped myself off him to fight the
spell he was putting me under.
 “I’m fine,” he said apologetically when he regained his composure,
even though I hadn’t asked him if he was okay.
I don’t care if you’re fine was what I wanted to say, but my stupid mouth
seemed to have a mind of its own. “Get inside and rest,” I said instead.
“What?” he asked, shocked by the invitation.
Well, that made two of us. “I said you should rest inside, if you want.”
That was better. Non-committal and nonchalant.
“Thank you,” he murmured. “Let me get my bag.”
“I didn’t say you could stay.”
“Oh. I need something from my bag,” he answered.
I stepped aside, motioning to his car, and followed his every movement,
like a hunter stalking his prey, until we made it inside the house.
“You can use the bedroom,” I offered.
“It’s okay. I can take this.” He dropped his small luggage on the brown
leather couch.
“I have a few things to do here and you’re just gonna be in my way,” I
said.
“Do you need help?” Sawyer asked.
“Help with what?” He always wanted to help, even when he was tired.
He never learned how to say no and, because he was Sawyer, he offered to
help no matter how exhausted he was.
“Whatever you need to do.” He took off his coat and I gave him a quick
once-over. He was as beautiful as I remembered. He turned around and
stuffed his coat into his bag. It took long enough for me to stare at his ass.
“You look like you’re about to die and you wanna help me carry
firewood?” I snickered.
 Sawyer’s whole demeanor changed. An unfamiliar expression crossed
his face. His eyes glistened but, before I could figure out what had made
him upset, he grabbed his bag and carried it into the bedroom, shutting the
door in the process.
You don’t need to figure out if he’s upset. He’s no longer your problem
and he’ll be out of here soon. I walked toward the room and pressed my ear
to the door, listening. Nothing but hard breathing. I lifted my hand to knock,
but changed my mind and walked away. I grabbed his keys from the
counter where he’d left them and went outside.
After moving Sawyer’s rental between my patrol car and truck, I
finished splitting the remaining wood and brought some inside the house. I
glanced at the closed bedroom door on my way out and wondered what
Sawyer was doing, but immediately scolded myself for caring.
I made my way outside and dialed the sheriff’s office. “It’s Hawkins,” I
greeted when the call connected.
“What’s up, man?” Maurice, our dispatcher, answered.
“Can you put me on the schedule tomorrow?” I asked.
“Dude, this is your first weekend off in forever and you wanna be back
on duty?”
Don’t I know it. I needed to get back to my routine. Having Sawyer here
for a couple of hours had disrupted the peace I had worked so hard to
create. “I don’t need to be off for two days.”
“Well, we could always use the help.”
“Thanks, man,” I said.
Topaz led the pack of huskies on the mountain trail once I had everyone
unleashed. I walked behind them to free my mind of all thoughts
concerning Sawyer.
 My curiosity about his visit became louder the deeper I went into the
woods. What was so important that required him to travel to Alaska? Was
he filing for divorce? How long was he planning to stay?
Thirty minutes into my walk and I still wasn’t able to shake him off my
mind, so I gave up trying. We slowed down as we approached the cliff,
overlooking creeks and a river snaking to the Gulf of Alaska below. I took
off my sweat-soaked shirt, tucked it in my waistband, and sat down. My
sight traveled to one of the pine trees where the words Jace Loves Sawyer
were carved five years ago.

***

Five Years Ago

“Are you sure this is where we want to place an offer?” I asked Sawyer
after we’d toured the property. We’d seen a couple parcels of land, but they
were too remote or too expensive.
“Absolutely,” he answered. “There’s something so magical about this
place. Don’t you think?” He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me
closer to him. He kissed my neck; he knew how much it drove me crazy. He
nipped the skin behind my ears and I groaned. He peppered kisses all over
my face until his lips found mine.
“You’re here with me. That’s why this place is magical,” I said in
between kisses. “I don’t care where we are as long as I’m with you.”
 “I’m always gonna be with you,” he said. “This is where we’ll start our
family.”
My heart swelled. Family. Something I’d always wanted. I’d forgotten
how it felt. I’d given up hope of having one until I met Sawyer. “Are you
sure you want to live in Alaska after your residency?” I asked. I’d always
thought about coming back up here to build a life for us, but I wanted to
make sure this was something Sawyer chose to do. “I don’t want you to do it
just because of me.”
“One hundred percent, love,” he said after another kiss. “Hand me
your keys.”
“For what?” I asked, passing them to him.
“You’ll see.” He walked to one of the pine trees and carved our names
on its trunk.
“I guess we have to buy this place now,” I said, and traced each letter
with my fingers.
“I guess we do.”

***

The walk was intended to clear my mind of Sawyer, but instead it brought
him front and center. “Let’s go, guys,” I called to my huskies, and headed
back down the trail. “He’ll be out of here soon and things will be back to
normal,” I murmured. Topaz looked up at me. “Don’t look at me like that.”
Although the house was quiet as it always was, it seemed quieter
somehow. I was expecting Sawyer to be out waiting for me to talk. But he
was nowhere around. The bedroom door was still closed and there was no
sign of activity inside.

***

Evening arrived and there was still no sign of Sawyer. Today had been a
complete and total bust. All plans of being productive on one of my rare
days off were gone thanks to the man who was cooped up in my room.
What the hell was he doing in there? I hated to admit it, but I was starting to
worry. Wasn’t he hungry? Had he even grabbed anything to drink? I
wouldn’t know, since I’d spent the entire day outside, fearing that being
near Sawyer would make me do and say more silly things. Inviting him
inside was stupid enough. Although, he could’ve easily decided to stay
himself, since he owned half of everything around here.
I flopped my sorry ass onto the couch and turned on the television. The
loud volume blasted and I hurried to turn it down in case Sawyer was
sleeping. I flipped through channel after channel, unable to find anything
that held my interest for longer than thirty seconds. After several minutes
had passed, I worked myself into a fury. He’d better not be jacking off on
my bed. My body reacted to the image of Sawyer stroking his dick, his eyes
rolling into the back of his head on my pillow, coming all over my sheets.
My pants tightened and I adjusted my painfully erect cock. Fuck! I wanted
so much to rub one out.
I tiptoed to the bedroom door and listened. Slowly, I opened the door,
stopping midway when the hinges creaked. I held my breath and waited for
a second.
Still nothing.
The lamp on the nightstand was on and Sawyer was lying on his side of
the bed. His naked torso was exposed. The soft brown sheet covered his
lower half. My eyes followed the soft trail of fine hair from his pecs to his
six-pack abs and navel. I swallowed hard when my sight reached the
impressive bulge outlined by the thin fabric. His chest moved up and down
in a slow rhythm. I shook my head and ignored my body’s response to
Sawyer. I haven’t been with anyone since we were together, and this is a
normal reaction to seeing someone so…fucking perfect!
Once cleared of dirty thoughts, I walked inside and turned off the light.
I glanced at him one more time before heading out. I didn’t know how
much of his presence I could handle. He’s gotta go.

OceanofPDF.com
 Six: Sawyer

Tattooed in My Mind

T he loud beeping of my cell phone alarm woke me from a deep sleep,

and I hurried to grab my phone vibrating on top of the nightstand
before it disrupted Hawkins. After turning the offending noise off, I laid
back on the bed and ran my hand over the cold sheet. His familiar scent was
everywhere: the pillow, the blanket, the room. Yesterday was a long day and
that was saying something, considering my usual day starts at five o’clock
in the morning and ends at midnight, only taking breaks to drink and eat.
I’d been so tired after catching a redeye from Portland to Anchorage, plus
the two-and-a-half-hour drive to Seward. Factor in the stress of seeing
Hawkins after three long years, and it was lights out when my body hit the
bed. I didn’t even remember turning the lights off. I wasn’t sure if it was my
exhaustion, but it had been the best sleep I’d had since I could remember.
Reviewing my patients’ charts before my first cup of coffee had been a
ritual even on weekends, and I’d forgotten to turn the alarm clock off. I
stared at the ceiling and wondered if there would be any patients in the
future, or was this the end of the road for me?
After my trip to the bathroom for a quick shower, I crept toward the
living room. It was chilly and I walked to the old iron wood stove and fed
the fire with logs. The sun wasn’t out yet, but the sky was giving way to
dawn. I used to love mornings and the promise of the new beginning it
brought. Now it was a reminder of another day gone.
It was still dark inside the house, but because this place was forever
etched in my mind, I could navigate every corner with my eyes closed. The
house even smelled the same, like wood and leather. What was different
was the way the inside sounded. The laughter and the dozens of I love yous
before the sunrise were nowhere to be found.
I stood in front of the couch where a half-naked Hawkins was sleeping,
his legs extending beyond the armrest. His exposed, ink-covered chest was
more muscular than I remembered. Living out here had done wonders to his
body. His right arm was placed over his head while his left arm lay at his
side, near the edge of the couch. Leave it to Hawkins to be able to sleep
anywhere. A wool blanket was barely covering the lower parts of his body.
His obliques were on full display and I swallowed hard.
It was odd watching him sleep, but he looked so peaceful. The growl he
had yesterday was gone. The snarl that seemed to have been painted on his
face was missing as well. I wondered if those were only reserved for me. I
forced myself to look away. There was a time when I could hold and feel
him all day. Gone were the days when I could kiss him whenever I wanted.

***

Eight Years Ago

I have my place to myself. Wanna spend the weekend? Hawkins’s text read.
Of course I did, but the idea of being with Hawkins alone sent my mind into
a frenzy, its implication making my pulse race. So far, we’d done a lot of
heavy petting and making out, but had always stopped when the
temperature became too hot. An all-night visit would surely entail a
different level of intimacy that I knew I wanted.
I’d love to, I texted back, so quickly he wouldn’t know I was a little
hesitant. What if I was no good? Would Hawkins dump me? He was the
single hottest guy I’d ever seen, and things were going well. I didn’t want to
jinx it. My experience was limited, and he’d mentioned that his was as well,
but still I hoped I would live up to his expectations—whatever they were.

***

“Hey, Doc,” he greeted after answering my knock. It was a nickname he

called me even though I hadn’t started medical school. My pulse quickened
at seeing him in gym shorts and a tank top. I had forgotten about the
number of tattoos Hawkins had. I didn’t think I was a tattoo kind of guy, but
being with him proved that not only was I into them, I was also hot for
them. I was crazy for him. “Come in.” He opened the door wider to let me
in, and the sound of the door locking amped up the stakes that were riding
on this evening. “Make yourself at home.”
“Thanks,” I said with a shaky voice. Looking at his casual attire made
me wish I’d dressed down a bit.
 Hawkins must’ve sensed my apprehension. “You look cute, Sawyer,” he
added, helping alleviate my worry.
“Thanks. So do you,” I said. My mouth watered when I saw him.
Hawkins usually wore clothing that didn’t reveal the incredible intricacy of
his ink. “Those are called sleeves, right?”
“Correct.”
He stretched his arms out and twisted them around at different angles
for me to take them all in. “They’re amazing,” I murmured, trying hard not
to drool in front of him.
“Check this out.” He pulled his tank top over his head and his chest
puffed out, revealing a few more.
Jesus! I tried hard to concentrate on the ink, but his defined chest had
me speechless. It was obvious in his clothes that he was buff, but this show
of nakedness revealed that he was beyond even my wildest dreams.
“May I?” I asked, reaching out to touch his chest. He nodded, so I
proceeded to run my hands over his pecs. I used the excuse of outlining the
tiger on his left pec to extend my admiration. “Wow! The detail is
incredible.” I salivated, selfishly spending more time than necessary tracing
each line. If he’d taken the time to look down, he would have easily made
out the outline in my jeans. I leaned forward and placed my lips on the
tattoo, my bold move surprising myself. Perhaps part of me wanted to be
bolder to make up for whatever shortcomings I had when it came to
intimacy. I’d had sex before, so I had a grasp of how the mechanics worked,
but I’d never been this worried about impressing a guy.
Hawkins seemed to approve and placed his hand on the back of my
head, pulling me tighter to him. “Mmmm,” he moaned softly. “Maybe I
should get more?”
 “More?”
“Tattoos. I wish I had one below my waist right now, if this is your
response to them,” he teased.
I nipped at his skin as he continued to keep my head against his chest.
Hawkins’s other hand cupped the front of my jeans, and he began to do a
little exploration of his own. “Careful,” I murmured against his skin. “It’s
been a while.”
“How about we enjoy this first and see where the rest of the evening
takes us?” he asked, looking into my eyes suggestively. He grinned and
massaged my bulge determinedly.
“Hmm,” I groaned. It was as if all my nerve endings were gathered
along the length of my cock. “Keep that up and I will come,” I whimpered.
“Take your shoes off,” he said as he released my belt and undid the top
metal button of my Levi’s. “Lemme see what we’re working with.”
His approach was calm and cool, and my blood pressure was rising.
One of us had to lead and I’d hoped it would be him. Aside from initiating, I
didn’t have a plan past that.
“Commando. Even better.” He let go of the back of my head and
caressed my chin to urge me closer. Our mouths connected and the intensity
of the moment shot to my cock. After he unzipped my jeans, my cock sprang
forth, and he wrapped his hands around it. “Thick,” he moaned as we
continued to explore each other’s mouths.
My jeans slid down my narrow hips and fell to the hardwood floor. I
stepped out of them one leg at a time, thankful for not tripping in the
process. That would not have been sexy. His hands dropped to the bottom of
my T-shirt, and he began to pull it up and over my head. I’d been there an
entirety of five minutes and we were already heading toward what we had
been dancing around for weeks.
“Are we doing this?” I asked, standing completely naked in his small
living room.
“I hope we are,” he said, examining my body closely. “You’re stunning,
Sawyer.” He held my arms and began turning me around. I turned slowly,
and he stopped me when I was facing away from him. “Damn,” he
whispered. His hands went to my ass cheeks, and he held each one in a
hand. “Beautiful.”
I stood motionless; exposed as he looked at my bare ass. I’d hoped he
would be a top, and it appeared he was. Hawkins stepped closer and stood
behind me as his hand came around and grabbed my erection. Electricity
jolted my skin and my knees wanted to buckle beneath me.
I decided to embolden myself and relax into Hawkins’s hold. It was
obvious we were finally going there, and I was more than willing.
“You still have your shorts on,” I said. His hand was still massaging my
dick and balls, while the other was busy exploring my ass.
“That’s your fault. It’s not like I want them to be.” He leaned closer to
me and exhaled a warm breath into my ear. “Why don’t you turn around
and remove them, Sawyer?” he asked.
As soon as I turned around, he dropped to his knees and had my cock in
his mouth. “I was going to take them off,” I protested. My words fell on
deaf ears as he took my cock into his mouth until I was down his throat.
Instinctively, I grabbed the sides of his face and held him on my dick.
“You’re good,” I said. It seemed like the appropriate thing to add in the
moment, but it felt weird saying it out loud. Didn’t every blow job feel
good?
 Hawkins rose to his feet and kissed me. The salty taste of my pre-cum on
his tongue filled me with desire. My hands made their way to his hips, and I
yanked his gym shorts down. He was wearing a jockstrap. As I ran my
fingers over the stretchy material, my need for him to be inside me came
rushing in.
“That’s hot,” I said, gently pushing him back a step. “You always wear
a jock?”
“Only when I’m super horny and want to add an element of heat to the
moment,” he answered, holding the pouch and squeezing it.
His obliques stood out like sharp edged points of muscle above the
waistband of his jock. He was old-school with his Bike brand jock selection,
and the sight of him reminded me of gym class and how many times I’d
drooled over the guys wearing one. Moving forward, I lifted the edge of the
pouch and pulled his cock out, leaving the jock in place. My high school
fantasy had just come to life.
“Turn around,” I ordered, feeling confident. Hawkins moved slowly as I
held onto his hips and played with the sexy waistband. Once he turned
around, I admired his muscular ass, which was on full display. Each cheek
was large and muscled, like the man they were attached to. I ran a finger
under and along the two elastic straps, snapping each one a few times as I
went. “Holy shit,” I mumbled, rubbing my pre-cum-slicked dick.
“Follow me,” he said.
I watched as Hawkins walked down the hallway toward what I assumed
was his bedroom. I was naked; he only wore the insanely sexy jock. I
followed and admired his V-shaped back, while also marveling at his two
perfectly shaped globes. Once in his bedroom, I found him sitting on the
end of the bed, his dick still jutting out of his jock. His eyes went to his cock
in invitation. I didn’t need a second one. I had his dick in my mouth in a
flash, and my hand roamed up his thighs and concentrated on the
waistband of the jock again.
“Your jock is driving me crazy,” I admitted, nudging my nose into it and
inhaling as I rubbed my dick.
“Maybe I’ll leave it on then.”
That was all I needed to hear. My cock begged for me to finish it off, but
I had just begun this fantasy and it was way too early for an ending. It was
crazy, because when I was coming over for the date, I was nervous as hell
and worried about how we’d take this huge step. Now I was so worked up,
it was all I could do not to beg him to fuck me.
“I’d love it if you left it on,” I said. I ran my hands down his well-built
thighs and parted his legs so I could get a better look. His large balls and
erect cock were hanging out the side of the jock. The need to be fucked was
overwhelming, and the idea that Hawkins would leave his jock on only
added to the five-alarm fire going on in my crotch.
“Can you do me with it on?” I asked sheepishly.
“Would you like that?” he asked, sitting up from the bed and running
his hand up and down his shaft. His head was purple and swollen, the tip
shiny with pre-cum.
“Have we had enough foreplay?” I asked innocently. “I could blow at
any second. I’m sorry, but the surprise of your jock has me so excited that I
can’t even touch my cock.”
“Open that,” he said, gesturing to his nightstand. I did as he asked, and
found a new box of condoms and lube. The fact the box was unopened made
me feel inexplicably happy. It felt like he had been waiting for this, just like
I had, without fucking around with all the guys I was sure he could easily
get. “Now can you get us one?” He smiled when I tore the box open and
pulled the long strip of foil packs out. The box advertised ‘XL’ on it. He
definitely had purchased the right size.
He stood and joined me with a hug and a kiss so passionate, I was a
goner. His hands slipped to my ass cheeks, and he lifted them in his hands
while a finger explored. After finding the sweet spot with one hand, he
brought the other around and stroked my cock. The finger near my entrance
teased and pushed while my cock was barely keeping things together.
“Jace…easy…please,” I begged. “Can you put it in me before I shoot
my load?” I’d come if he spent one more second fingering me and rubbing
my dick.
“Still want me to keep the jock on?” he asked, motioning to it and his
erection that protruded from within.
“Oh yeah. Definitely.”
“Get on all fours, Sawyer. On the edge of the bed and scoot back.”
Those commands alone nearly caused me to come. My desire would
require me to leave my dick completely alone if I wanted to enjoy this for as
long as possible. I did as he asked and exposed myself to him. Hawkins
stepped behind me and placed his hands on my ass cheeks, rubbing and
manhandling them. His hand pressed down on my lower back, causing my
back to arch. A finger explored my hole as he added lube to his fingers to
prepare me for his girth. I heard the condom stretch over his dick and then
he slapped my ass crack with it. I focused on the fact that he was wearing a
jock and was about to fuck me. Every fantasy I had ever jacked off to was
happening in real time.
“Slow at first,” I reminded him. I relaxed as he put another finger in me
and allowed me to welcome it slowly. One of his hands gripped my waist
tightly as he moved his fingers deeper and swirled lube inside me. “Feels so
good,” I moaned, moving my ass around in a circle as he went further.
He pulled his fingers out and slapped his cock against my hole once
again. He was going to be inside me, finally, and I was beyond excited. My
cock was raging with anticipation. The need to stroke tested every ounce of
my control. I’d last three seconds if I gave in to it.
“Relax, baby,” he moaned. His cock was pressing into me, waiting for
me to welcome it in. “So tight,” he added. He pushed harder and then broke
through my resistance. I powered through the temporary discomfort,
focusing on the prize at the end that would be worth the pain.
“Nice and easy now,” I whispered. His cock began to go in deeper and
then he removed it for a second before pushing in more. “You’re so big,” I
hissed. He paused and gave me time to handle his girth.
“Your ass is amazing. I’ve thought about this for weeks and how
amazing it’d be to be inside you,” he said. “You don’t disappoint, Sawyer.
It’s fucking amazing.” His pace quickened, driving deeply into me with each
thrust. My ass had fully relaxed and, surprisingly, I was having little trouble
taking him. “Fuck! You’re so fucking tight!”
The first time you have sex with someone, you always wonder how much
of your real self you should reveal. I liked being verbal, but had hesitated
because it was our first time. Hearing Hawkins appreciating who he was
fucking made me want to show more of how I was really feeling about us
and the incredible desire I had for him.
“Harder, Jace!” I demanded. “Give it to me hard!”
“Is that what you want, baby?” he growled, grabbing my hips and
slamming into me hard. His strokes were long and deep, and I was in
heaven as he continued to work me over. My cock was dripping cum. “I’m
close, Sawyer. You’re so fucking hot I might shoot at any moment.”
“Hang on,” I said, laying forward and removing myself off his dick. “I
wanna watch you as you come inside me.” I rolled onto my back and lifted
my ankles. Hawkins grabbed them and yanked me to the end of the bed, his
biceps bulging as he did.
“Fuck, you’re hot!” he moaned. Hawkins placed his arms around the
back of my knees and pressed forward. My knees were at my chin, and he
placed his cock over my throbbing hole. “I’m sliding back in.”
His cock sunk into me, and he held his body over mine, leaning with all
his weight to make sure I took every inch he had. Our eyes locked as he
pumped in and out of me. My ass was red hot, warm from the friction of his
cock sliding across my prostate over and over. I focused on his face and the
raw desire on it as he gave me all of his attention. We were connected; his
abs were rubbing against my cock as he drove into me vigorously. I had my
hands around his neck, lifting myself off the bed to meet his every push.
“You’re so fucking hot,” he said, gritting his teeth and breathing hard.
“I’m so fucking close. Sawyer, this feels so good.” His eyes closed and I
knew he was trying to prevent his orgasm.
“Look at me,” I whispered, moving my hands from around his neck and
to the sides of his face. My balls wanted to empty too, and I knew it would
only require me giving permission. There would be no rubbing or jacking
today. All the motivation I needed was currently taking me to the edge and
beyond.
“This is amazing,” he said, opening his eyes and keeping them locked
on mine. “Almost, baby,” he added breathlessly.
 His use of the word ‘baby’ only made the explosion that was building
more dramatic. My ass clenched down on his cock, and I once again
wrapped my hands around his neck and met every thrust with my own. I
wanted to milk his load and join him in the ultimate ending.
“I’m very close, Jace,” I moaned. My head was tossing from side to
side, and I was holding onto him with all my might, fucking his cum out of
him. “Faster!” My hands were nowhere near my cock. They didn’t need to
be. The friction alone was driving me to an orgasm. Hawkins repeatedly hit
my prostate and my load was on its way out of the chamber. “Fuuucckkk!” I
yelled.
My eyes popped open, and Hawkins was watching me intently. Sweat
from his brow dripped onto my chest and his eyes shut when he found his
release. “Yeah! Oh fuck! Oh fuck! I’m coming!”
My cock unloaded immediately upon seeing him reach his limit. Flashes
of light invaded my vision, and I felt my body explode in convulsive tremors
from the thrill of the experience. My hands fell to his ass, and I held onto
the waistband of the jock as I pulled him into me, wanting every last drop of
his seed. Hawkins relaxed and fell on top of me, and we kissed, breath
trying to find its way out of our joined mouths.
“And we waited this long for what reason?” I asked.
He remained lying on top of me and brought his mouth to my ear. “You
just got here. It’s a long time until morning.”

***
A slight tremor caused Hawkins’s left arm to drop, hitting the floor. I froze,
afraid he would wake up and see me staring at him like a creep.
I walked closer to Hawkins and, before I could overthink it, I lifted his
left arm to lay on top of his stomach. “Jesus!” I staggered back when his
eyes popped open. They were on fire, their intensity burning.
He looked down to where my hand was holding his and yanked it out of
my grasp. “What the hell are you doing?” he snarled.
Panic took over. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I
cleared my throat. “I’m just…” I trailed off, searching for the right words to
say.
“Just what?” he asked. He sat up and grabbed the blanket, wrapping it
around his waist before standing. He stood in front of me and, because we
were identical in height at six feet, he was staring directly into my eyes. His
gaze bounced between my eyes and my mouth and he swallowed.
I stepped further back, my legs brushing against the coffee table made
out of reclaimed wood.
Hawkins stepped closer, his face inches from mine. “Just what,
Sawyer?” he asked again, breathing hard. His eyes flickered with desire.
That can’t be right? He lifted his free hand and I thought for a second he
was going to touch me. He shook his head when I didn’t answer and he
proceeded to walk away, disappearing into his bedroom.
“I’m an idiot!” I hit my head with my palm because of my inability to
control my impulses. It wasn’t news, since I’d never been able to control
my impulses where Hawkins was concerned. I didn’t know what possessed
me to hold his hand. Perhaps it was my desperation to touch him. I missed
him, and what just happened was proof of that.
 The door rattled in protest when Hawkins slammed the door. The sound
of glass shattering had me running after him.

OceanofPDF.com
 Seven: Hawkins

The Other Mr. Hawkins

“
G o the fuck away!” I yelled. A small hanging picture fell off the wall,
its glass frame shattering on the floor. I hadn’t intended to slam the
door that hard, but I needed an immediate physical barrier between Sawyer
and me. I didn’t trust myself enough to be near him. I hadn’t been able to do
it then, and it was clear I wasn’t able to do it now.
I leaned against the door’s cold surface to cool off my burning skin
from his unexpected touch. I wasn’t prepared for my body’s reaction to his
nearness. I let the blanket that was wrapped around my waist drop to the
floor and frowned at my shaking hands. What the fuck was that about? He
couldn’t touch me like that anymore. He lost that right years ago.
I’d tossed and turned all night; when I finally managed to doze off, it
was a shallow sleep. The slightest movement and the faintest of noises
jarred me awake, so of course I’d heard his alarm go off. I didn’t know if it
was because of the uncomfortable couch that was too short for my sorry ass
or the thought of my unwanted visitor lying in my bed, but I was restless
and needed to get the hell out of there.
I knew he was watching me without having to open my eyes; a familiar
scent that didn’t belong in my house filled the air between us, making me
uneasy. Before I knew it, he was holding my hand. The zap of electricity
ignited by his touch was unexpected and I yanked my arm away from him. I
didn’t want him to see how his touch affected me. He no longer had that
power over me.
Running my hand to where Sawyer had touched me, I considered the
possible reasons why he was here. He said he wanted to talk, but I didn’t
want to listen. I didn’t care. He could be here to serve me divorce papers for
all I knew, and that notion made me see red. Fuck him. I didn’t need him
then and certainly didn’t now.
I closed my eyes and inhaled a long drag of air to force my trembling
body to calm down. He’ll be out of here soon. I headed to the bathroom
adjacent to the bedroom, passing by my unmade bed. The sheet was
wrinkled; Sawyer’s impression remained on my pillow. The image of him
lying there naked made my cock even harder. “Fuck,” I groaned.
How Sawyer had managed to uproot my life and disturb the peace that
I’d worked so hard for the past three years in a matter of less than twenty-
four hours was frightening. I shuddered to think what another twenty-four
hours could bring. I couldn’t go down that route again. I wouldn’t let him
break me one more time. I’d barely made it out whole, albeit broken and
bruised.
The warm water momentarily washed away the stress of Sawyer’s visit.
My shoulders somewhat relaxed and the splitting headache I’d had since
yesterday morning gave me temporary reprieve. And since there was no
ignoring my throbbing cock, I lathered my hand with soap and went to
town. I started slowly, stroking my shaft from base to tip with my two
hands. I leaned back on the cool tiles and closed my eyes, an image of
Sawyer on his knees, his warm lips wrapped around my cock. I would never
admit it out loud, but he was the only man I’d envisioned when I pleasured
myself every night since we’d said goodbye. I could’ve easily found relief
with someone else, but I couldn’t find it in me to follow through. The idea
of sharing an intimate moment with anyone but my husband made my body
recoil.
I switched to one hand and picked up the speed. I massaged my balls
with my free hand, driving myself closer to the edge. I fist-fucked my cock,
thrusting my hips with moans and groans as water bounced off my
shoulders and chest. “Sawyer,” I whimpered as I shot my load into the
rushing water, washing away every last drop of evidence from my pathetic
display of desolation.
The mist from the shower had fogged the small bathroom and when I
saw my reflection after wiping the steam off the mirror, Sawyer was
standing by the open door. Goddamn it! I hope he didn’t see me jerking off
and moaning his name in pleasure.
I turned my head in his direction, glaring at him. “What?” I snarled.
“I just wanna make sure you’re okay,” he said, swallowing as his eyes
quickly raked my naked body.
I didn’t respond. Instead, I used my leg to shut the door. “You wanna
make sure I’m okay? Fucking leave,” I whispered, taking deep breaths to
keep my emotions at bay.
When I came out of the bathroom, Sawyer was cleaning up the broken
glass from the floor. Well, at least I had the wits to cover up before coming
out. I wasn’t completely out of it. Yet.
He lifted his head; unmistakable fire was in his gaze when he looked at
my half-naked body. His perusal lingered on my chest, perhaps admiring
the tattoos I’d added since we last saw each other. He’d always found them
sexy. His ogling traveled down my arms where new ink had been completed
last year. It was a mixture of native Alaskan art and my mantras. Love Like
There’s No Tomorrow. His eyes journeyed to my side where VIII XIV
MMXV was tattooed on my flank. August 14, 2015. It was the date of our
wedding, a scar from my past and a daily reminder of what happened when
you opened your heart to someone only to let him shred it to pieces.
I watched him carefully, daring him to meet my eyes, but when he did,
he wasn’t able to hold contact for longer than a second. Good.
He cleared his throat, picked up a small bag holding the remnants of
broken glass then left the room, which was a good thing since his ogling
was reviving my spent cock.
I marched to the closet to put on my crisp navy-blue uniform. I slid into
my freshly polished shoes, pinned my shiny badge on my chest pocket, then
typed 0814 on the keypad of the safe where my guns were stored. I pulled
one of the drawers open and placed my ring on top of a face-down picture
frame before heading to the kitchen.
Sawyer was again reduced to staring. “I made coffee,” he said after ten
seconds.
I didn’t respond. It was a dick move, but whatever.
“I’m sorry about earlier. I wasn’t trying to touch you like that,” he said.
That admission only served to piss me off even more. “You’re too good
for me now? Hot-shot doc can’t be bothered with me, huh?” My jaw
tightened with unreasonable fury.
“What? That’s not what I mean,” he protested, shaking his head
vehemently.
“Then what do you mean?” I grabbed my coat from the back of the
door, never breaking eye contact. “On second thought, I don’t care. The
code is the same, so make sure you lock up when you leave.”
He looked like someone had kicked his dog, but I didn’t stay long
enough to worry about him. He better be gone when I get home.

***

Stokes stared at me the entire walk to our favorite bakery at the start of our
patrol, a routine we shared whenever we worked together. I knew he had a
lot of questions, but I had no idea how or where to begin.
“What?” I asked, having had enough of his scrutinizing stare.
“Don’t play stupid with me, asshole. You know what.”
It was too early for his shit. I opened the glass door to the bakery and
held it for Stokes. “I need coffee for this, man,” I said, and we headed
inside.
“Then let’s go get some,” he agreed, joining the line. “There’s no
getting out of this, bro. Don’t even try.”
Stokes was the only friend I had since I moved back to Alaska. It was
unfair to hide my past from him, especially when I knew almost everything
about his life. But talking about Sawyer hurt back then, so I never
mentioned him.
“How’s the other Mr. Hawkins?” Stokes asked when we sat down, our
backs to the wall for safety, looking into the glass windows where pastries
and doughnuts were displayed.
I sipped my black coffee and thought about ways to answer his
question. How much was I willing to share?
 “That’s a long-ass time to sip coffee.” Stokes took a bite of his old-
fashioned glazed doughnut, eyeing me. “You’re gonna have to talk
eventually.”
“What do you wanna know?” I asked.
“Why didn’t you tell me you’re married? Let’s start there.” He leaned
back and crossed his arms, his muscles bulging out of his sleeves.
“We’re separated,” I said. “Yesterday was the first time I’ve seen him in
three years.”
“Oh shit. What happened?”
“We wanted different things.” Saying those words still felt like a dull
knife stabbing my heart. We loved each other, and what we had was special,
but it wasn’t enough in the end.
“I’m sorry, man.” Stokes reached out and squeezed my shoulder.
I shrugged him off. “Don’t worry about it. It was a long time ago.”
“What’s he doin’ in Alaska?” he asked.
That was the million-dollar question. I didn’t want to know; was afraid
to know, if I was honest. “No clue.”
“How long is he in town?”
I shrugged. “Not long, I hope.”
Stokes studied me but I didn’t meet his eyes, fearing he could see
behind my veil of dishonesty and coldness. “You sure about that?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
He looked around the bakery and waited until one of the patrons was
done ordering and had moved out of earshot. “Do you still love him?” he
whispered.
I didn’t see that question coming, but I should’ve expected it. I didn’t
want to answer; I didn’t know anymore.
 “So?” he asked, when I was silent for more than a minute.
“We better go. We got work to do,” I said, and drank the remainder of
my coffee, ignoring how the scalding liquid burned my tongue.
“C’mon, Hawkins,” he called.
I ignored his protest and headed out. Do I still love him?
I was thankful that Stokes dropped the subject when we made it to our
car. I turned the radio on and drove off.
Fifteen minutes into our drive, Stokes turned the radio off. “One last
question and I promise to leave it alone.”
I groaned and pulled over to the side of the road. “Last one,” I said after
I put the car in park.
“Do you think he’s here to work things out between the two of you?”
Well, that was something I hadn’t considered. A small part of me jolted
alive at the possibility, but squashed the hope immediately. My love for
Sawyer was gone, killed by a thousand cuts. There was no reviving us. I
couldn’t. I wouldn’t travel that path again because I was certain that it
would destroy me. “That ship has sailed,” I answered.
What if that’s the reason he’s here?

OceanofPDF.com
 Eight: Sawyer

Seventy-Seven is Better Than Sixty-Nine

Seven Years Ago

“
Y ou look handsome, my love.” I wrapped my arms around Hawkins’s
neck after buttoning his navy-blue LAPD uniform and ran my
fingers over his embroidered name. It was a special day. “You did it! Top of
the class.” I brushed my lips on his. “I’m so proud of you.”
“Thank you, baby. I couldn’t have done it without you by my side. This
is the second-best day of my life.”
“Oh yeah, what’s the first?” I asked. I knew the answer, but I’d never
get tired of hearing it.
“Our wedding,” Hawkins answered. “When I promised to take care of
you, cherish you, and love you for the rest of my life.” He kissed my
forehead then wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me closer. “With
you, I am home. I finally belong, and I haven’t felt that in a very long time,”
he whispered into my hair.
I sensed a hint of sadness in Hawkins’s voice. It was barely noticeable,
but I knew my husband better than anyone; I felt it. I looked into his eyes.
I’d been right. I turned him around so he could see his reflection in the
mirror. “Your mom would’ve been so proud of you.”
“I wish she was here so she could see that I turned out okay. Especially
during those times when the cards were stacked against me.” He tried to
put his head down, but I held his chin up. “I didn’t think I could do it, you
know. Bouncing from one foster home to the other.” Lights danced in his
watery eyes. “But I didn’t stop dreaming, thanks to you.”
I shook my head. “This is all you, Jace.” I didn’t want to take any credit
for his hard work and perseverance. “You had this all along. I’m just your
cheerleader, but this is all you. I’d love to believe that she’s looking down
on us. Proud of her boy. I pointed to his reflection, wishing he saw what I
saw when I looked at him. “Look at that amazing man right there. That man
is kind, thoughtful, a good friend, and a great husband. I’m sure she’s full of
pride.” I squeezed him with my arms, hoping the gesture conveyed how
much I loved him. “And not just today. Every day.”
“You think so?”
“I know so.” I would promise him the moon and all the stars in the sky
in order to see him smile.
“I love you so much, Sawyer. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened
to me.” He brought my hands to his lips, kissing them one at a time.
“I love you too, Officer Jace Hawkins,” I said, and kissed his neck.
We walked out of our apartment hand-in-hand, believing that our love
was all we needed to reach our dreams together. “Maybe we can finally
afford to get a bigger place,” he said.
“Look at you, big spender,” I teased. “Why? Tired of this place?” I
locked the door. “I’m happy here. It’s close to the campus and your
precinct.”
 “I know, but this is a lot smaller than the one your parents got you.”
I was fortunate to have parents who could support me, but Hawkins and
I had decided to move in together a year into our relationship. He was
worried that I was settling, but the notion was both ridiculous and
unfounded. “I’m with you, that’s all that matters. I’d live in a box if it meant
I’d get to spend my life with you.” It was the truth. I would give up anything
to be with my loving and selfless husband, who’d always put me first.
“Plus, this is temporary. I’ll be done with med school in a couple of years.
We can move then.”
“As long as you’re sure. I just want the best for you,” he said.
I chuckled. There he was, graduating at the top of his class, and all he
could think about was the best for me. Did I mention he was selfless? “I’m
sure. Let me drive today.” I took the keys from him and went around to the
driver’s side of the car. “You always drive.”
“But I love driving,” he protested.
I snickered. “I know, but let me spoil you today.”
“Really?” Hawkins grinned as he got in the car. “Am I finally getting
road head?” He waggled his eyebrows.
“In LA? During the day?” I shook my head, laughing at the same time.
With him in his uniform, I was seriously considering it. I married a
policeman. That was every gay man’s wet dream, wasn’t it? “God, could
you imagine the news? New LAPD recruit caught being blown by a UCLA
medical student on his way to his police academy graduation.”
“Probably not, huh. I could think of other ways to spoil your husband.”
“Oh yeah?”
“You know it.” Hawkins laced our hands together, resting them on his
lap.
 “Honey?” I asked hesitantly. There were two things that made Hawkins
upset: his mom and dad. He once told me that his dad didn’t make him
upset, he made him angry. Hawkins didn’t drink because he didn’t want to
be like his recovering alcoholic dad. My heart broke for him when he told
me about the number of foster homes he’d bounced around after his mother
passed away.
“Yes, baby?” Hawkins raised an eyebrow, perhaps sensing my
apprehension, and turned his attention to me. He looked at me like I was the
center of his world.
“Umm. Don’t get mad, okay?”
“Sawyer? What did you do?”
“I invited someone.”
“Who?” he asked. His forehead wrinkled while he awaited my answer.
I took a deep breath. “Your father.”
“Sawyer,” he whispered, shaking his head and looking out the window.
“Why would you do that?”
I pulled the car over and faced him. “This is a big deal. He already
missed our wedding, and I know he’d be devastated if he missed this very
important event in your life too.”
“Well, he should’ve thought of that when they took me away the first
time. He should’ve cleaned up his act.” He let go of his hold on me and my
hand protested the absence of his touch.
“He’s trying, Jace. He’s been sober for four years. He had his pilot
license reinstated and started flying again.” I reached for him, thankful he
didn’t resist. “Baby, please look at me.” It took him a second to turn, and I
held his face when he finally did. “You know I’m on your side. Always. But
he misses you. He misses his son.”
 “I don’t miss him. It’s too late,” he muttered, avoiding my gaze. He
always reverted to that scared teenager whenever we talked about his dad
and his past. “You should’ve talked to me first, Sawyer.”
“I know, baby, but I know how you get sometimes. I just don’t want you
to regret it, you know. He’s family.”
Hawkins leaned back and looked outside. “He’s not family.” Damn it!
He was shutting down.
“I’m sorry. I’ll give him a call.” I knew I should’ve talked to him first,
but his dad was brought to tears by the news when I spoke with him last
week. I knew he would love to witness his son achieve his dreams. I reached
inside the middle console to grab my phone.
Hawkins placed his hand over mine and looked at me. “It’s okay, baby.
He can come.”
I sighed in relief. “Thank you.” I unlatched my seat belt and kissed his
cheek. “Thank you.”
“But next time, talk to me first, okay?”
“I promise.”
“Let me tell you, so far you’re not doing a great job of spoiling me,” he
teased. Thankfully, he was back to being my Hawkins.
“I know how to make it up to you.” I winked and slid my palm over his
crotch. “I have big plans.”
“Oh yeah? How big?” Hawkins pressed my hand harder on his growing
erection.
“Seventy-seven,” I said.
“Seventy-seven?” Hawkins asked in confusion.
“Yeah. It’s like sixty-nine, but you get ‘ate’ more.” I laughed before I
finished my ridiculous attempt at a punchline.
 “Oh my god!” he yelled, the car filling with his boisterous laughter.
“That’s so fucking cheesy.”
“What do you think?” I asked.
“I love it. I better get ‘ate’ more.” He leaned over and whispered in my
ear. “But we better get going. I don’t wanna be late.”

***

“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage this year’s top recruit,
Officer Jace Hawkins,” the announcer said.
Hawkins walked to the podium to address the crowd for the closing
ceremony. He adjusted the mic to his height then scanned the cheering
audience before starting his speech.
I gave him a thumbs-up when our eyes locked, and his shoulders
relaxed. That’s right. Take this all in, baby. This is your moment.
“I would like to congratulate my fellow graduates and their families for
this incredible achievement.” He looked behind him, where his comrades
stood in a parade stance, and then to the crowd. “We’re standing here
because of all the amazing support systems in our lives. We begin a new
journey tomorrow, and we will once again rely on the people we love the
most to keep us grounded. To all the friends, husbands, wives, moms, and
dads out here today, we thank you.”
Everyone stood; their applause was deafening. Laughter, whistling, and
howls filled the auditorium, and I looked behind to where Kyle Hawkins
stood. He wiped his tears, clapping with everyone. His pride for his son was
evident, and when our gaze met, he mouthed, “Thank you.”
I smiled, then brought my focus to my husband, who was looking at his
dad. What I wouldn’t give to read what was on his mind.
After the ceremony, we mingled with the graduates and their guests.
“Jace!” someone shouted, and it took me a second to realize that it
must be Hawkins’s dad, since he and I were the only people who called him
by his first name.
We slowed down and I glanced behind me. Kyle jogged, weaving
through the swarm of people, craning his neck to keep us in his sights.
“Hey, Mr. Hawkins.” I hugged him when he reached us.
“Sawyer, I told you to call me Kyle,” he said after our embrace.
“I will, Kyle.”
Hawkins eyed his father. “Thanks for coming, Kyle,” he said, and gave
him the most uncomfortable smile before turning his face away. Hawkins
didn’t see it, but Kyle’s face fell from the cold shoulder his son was giving
him.
I minded my own business. Inviting Kyle without Hawkins’s permission
was bad enough, and I wasn’t about to force my husband to play nice.
Uncomfortable silence lingered for a while. “You look great, Kyle,” I said
to break the tension percolating around us. It was so thick we could choke
on it. “How was your trip?” I wasn’t sure if Kyle would be able to attend
with such short notice, since he’d just started his charter plane business
flying float planes, but he’d been so touched that I’d even thought of him.
“Did you know your dad flies a float plane now?” I’d asked Hawkins one
weekend during our workout. His reply was, “We’ll see how long he can
keep that up before he slips again.”
 “It was good. I had one of the guys take over this weekend,” Kyle said,
glancing at Hawkins. “I didn’t wanna miss this.”
Hawkins didn’t say anything. He didn’t even look back. His guard was
up; his shoulders tense. I was at a loss for words.
“Jace,” Kyle called, then grabbed something from his pocket when
Hawkins faced him. “Your mom would be so proud of you.” His dad handed
him a small box.
Hawkins’s eyes softened at the mention of his mom, but he quickly put
his tough façade back on when he took the small box from his dad. “What’s
this?” He opened it, revealing something small and shiny.
I leaned closer to get a better look. It was a shiny silver tie clip with the
initials JH engraved on it. “It’s beautiful, Kyle,” I said, and looked at
Hawkins’ stony expression. “Doesn’t it look nice, baby?”
Hawkins shrugged. He flipped it over to reveal the words: I’ll always be
proud of you. Love, Mom.
Hawkins’s lips tightened, eyes pooling.
“Your mom always wanted you to have that,” Kyle said. “May I?” Kyle
pointed to the clip, and when Hawkins stayed silent, he took the clip out of
the box and clipped it onto Hawkins’s tie. “There,” he said, and stepped
back to admire his son. His eyes started to well. Another prolonged silence
followed, and Kyle received the message loud and clear. “Well, nice to see
you, boys. Thanks for calling, Sawyer.” He gave a sad smile, turned and
walked away.
Hawkins looked down and touched the clip, before looking at me.
I smiled and nodded.
“Dad,” Hawkins called, and Kyle wiped his face before turning around.
“We’re going to Sawyer’s parents’ to celebrate. Wanna come?”
 Kyle froze. His stare bounced between me and Hawkins, perhaps
shocked at his son’s invitation.
“But if you have plans, that’s okay,” Hawkins said into the ensuing
silence.
“I’d love to,” Kyle said, and closed the distance between us. “I’d love
to.”
I held my husband’s hand and wrapped my other arm around Kyle’s
shoulder as we walked toward our car.
Hawkins squeezed my hand.
Baby steps, I told myself.

***

The past twenty-four hours had proven what I knew all along. I never got
over my estranged husband. I still loved him, but it appeared that he’d
moved on. I should find solace in that, but my heart wasn’t willing to accept
it.
I was nowhere near finished with my business with Hawkins, so I drove
my rental inland to a town called Whittier, a ninety-minute drive from
Hawkins’s property. I slowed down as I approached a bungalow attached to
a small wooden pier leading up to the river. Three blue float planes with
white stripes were moored on both sides of the dock, bouncing up and down
in sync with the rushing river. Each plane had a name plastered on its nose.
Two bore the name Jace I and Jace II, the owner’s only son, while the other
was called Ally, named after his late wife.
 “Sawyer?” A spitting image of Hawkins, only two decades older, asked
when I got out of the car. It was hard to miss the uncanny resemblance Kyle
Hawkins had with his son, from the color of his blond hair to the same blue
eyes—only Kyle’s were a little duller, from age or perhaps the loss of his
beloved wife over a decade ago. That was the beginning of his decline,
according to the very few times Hawkins talked about his father. He’d
relied on alcohol for comfort when Hawkins was a teenager.
“Kyle!” I closed the gap between us, and he rushed forward to meet me
halfway.
He wrapped his arms around me, his tight bear hug almost taking the
wind out of my lungs, but I cherished it. Kyle had always treated me like
his other son, even if his own didn’t want anything to do with him. He
released me from his embrace and studied me, a frown on his face.
I smiled, fearing what was going through his mind. Aside from Dr.
Peters, my mentor, and my parents, nobody knew about my condition, so I
doubted he could tell by looking at me. “Long time no see,” I said. “I
haven’t seen you since Boston.”
Kyle had visited us in the middle of my residency four years ago, but
Hawkins was too busy, so we ended up spending time by ourselves. I didn’t
mind it, it gave me the opportunity to get to know my father-in-law. I
learned how much he regretted letting Hawkins down, and he wished he
could do it all over again so he could be the father Hawkins deserved.
“It’s been a very long time. I didn’t know you were in town,” he said.
“It was a last-minute trip. I just needed to settle a couple of things.”
He wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “Come in,” he said, and
ushered me inside his office. “Coffee or tea?”
“Coffee, please.”
 A family portrait hung over the center of the fireplace. Hawkins
must’ve been about five or six years old in the picture. He was on Kyle’s
shoulders, while his mom had her arm wrapped around Kyle’s waist, her
head resting on his chest. A smaller frame had a picture of Hawkins,
probably in his early teens, dressed like a doctor.
“That’s one of my favorite pictures of Jace,” Kyle said, handing me a
cup of coffee. “He wanted to be the first doctor in our family, but changed
his mind when he found out how much schooling it took.” He chuckled.
“He married one though, so our family got our doctor anyway.”
A pang of sadness coursed through me, preventing me from saying
anything; I didn’t know how to respond anyway. I sipped my coffee and
smiled—Kyle had remembered how I preferred my coffee.
“Heavy on cream,” he said.
“You remembered that?”
“It’s easy to remember. Jace likes his coffee black, and you heavy on the
cream.” It was hard to ignore the love Kyle had for his son. It was a shame
their relationship was forever fractured. “Let’s enjoy this outside,” he said,
and raised his own cup.
“I forgot how beautiful it is out here,” I said, sipping my coffee as we
made our way onto the dock. The river was a mixture of blue and gray due
to the silt from the snow melting off the mountains. “I see that you added
another plane?” I pointed to the one with Jace II on it.
Kyle ran his hand along the side of the small plane, nodding. “I got this
one last year.” He looked back at me. “The demand for bush pilots
exploded, so I decided to add another one.”
“That’s great, Kyle. You’re doing really well out here.” His charter
business was in its infancy when Hawkins and I separated, so I was pleased
to see it thriving. “Still have the two guys helping you?”
He nodded. He was watching me closely, perhaps trying to figure out
why I was there after so many years. “Does he know you’re here?”
“Does Jace know I’m visiting you?”
“No, I mean, does he know you’re here in Alaska?”
“Yup.” Another sip of coffee. “When was the last time you saw him?”
His eyes saddened, shoulders sagging. “Few months ago. I stopped by
the sheriff’s office on his birthday to see him.” Kyle turned his back to me
and stared at the mountain covered in evergreens on the other side of the
river. “But he was working on a case so he didn’t have any time. It was my
mistake, really, driving without calling like that.”
“You did what you had to do. Plus, he never would have picked up,
even if you had called.”
He snickered. “You know him too well. He’s a stubborn kid. But you
know that too.”
“He can be.” Hawkins wasn’t stubborn. He had the tendency to close off
when hurt, and penetrating his defenses could be an impossible task once
his walls were up. His father and I were evidence of that. “How are you
doing?”
He brought his attention back to me, a partial smile on his face. “Sober
for over a decade,” he answered. Where that would usually be a proud
statement to some, it sounded empty coming from him—like it didn’t
matter.
“That’s fantastic. I am so proud of you,” I said, hoping he could see how
incredible it was.
My excitement was met with a shrug.
 A fast-moving fishing boat left waves that made the dock wobble,
catching me off balance. Hot coffee spilled all over my hand, burning my
skin. “Ouch!” I looked up at Kyle, who was heading toward me, unaffected
by the wobbly dock. I glanced at the water and noticed that the wave it left
was hardly a ripple. Was I that out of shape?
He took the cup and examined the red spot on my hand. “Are you
okay?” he asked, and helped me stand. “You look like you’ve lost some
weight since the last time I saw you.” Concern crept onto his face.
I didn’t know how to start what I wanted to say. There wasn’t an
opening to tell someone you had cancer, and that said cancer could kill you.
I didn’t want to burden Kyle with my condition. I didn’t want to open old
wounds his wife had left when cancer took her life. Tears fell from my face
down to my shirt, causing the fabric to stick to my skin.
“Sawyer, what’s wrong?”
I wiped my eyes and looked at him with a sigh. “I’m sick.”
“What do you mean you’re sick?” Panic replaced the concern on his
face. The wrinkles on his forehead deepened; intensity flared in his eyes.
“Leukemia.”
“No!” A quiet scream conveyed the fear in his voice. “Not you too.”
Kyle pulled me into his arms, where I cried on his shoulder. I felt a sob
leave his chest. “I’m so sorry, Sawyer,” he said, in between catching his
breath. He released me from his embrace and put my face between his
shaking hands. “Please, tell me you’re going to be okay? You’re going to be
okay, right?” His desperation was identical to that of my mom and dad
when I told them.
“I don’t know.” I forced the words out of my aching chest.
 “No! No! No!” Kyle pulled me in; I felt his heart pounding. “We can’t
lose you too, son.”
For the longest time, we didn’t utter a single word, just let our presence
and touch engrave the moment in case it would be the last. “My treatment
starts next week,” I eventually said.
“Does Jace know?” he asked.
“Not yet, he won’t talk to me.” My voice shook.
“Oh, Sawyer. You have to tell him.”
“I will.”
“I am so sorry, Sawyer. Jace will be devastated. First his mom, now his
husband.”
“You know we are not together anymore, right?”
“I do.” He nodded. “But you being here proves what I knew all along.
You still love him, and I know he still loves you.”

***

Sometime later, I got back into my car. “Promise me you won’t stop trying
to get through to him,” I said to Kyle. “You two are all you got.”
We said our goodbyes, and I promised to let him know once I’d told
Hawkins.
Another day was already wasted and I wasn’t any closer to telling
Hawkins the purpose of my visit.

OceanofPDF.com
 Nine: Hawkins

We’ll Be Everyone’s Couple Goals

T welve hours passed at a glacial crawl, and I didn’t know if it was the
lack of action during our patrol or because my mind was elsewhere.
“Hey, are you gonna be fine to drive home?” Stokes elbowed my side.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because you’ve only been half-present the
entire shift.”
“What? I was just bored. Today might be the least eventful day in
Seward all year. Not even a drunk complaint and it’s cruise season.” That
was partially true. It had been the slowest day patrolling the town.
“There’s that, I’m not gonna lie,” he said, but I had a feeling he wasn’t
done grilling me. “But your mind seemed to be elsewhere.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, man.”
“Are you sure about that?” Stokes asked, his caramel eyes studying me.
“So you’re telling me that today had nothing to do with Sawyer?”
“I wasn’t even thinking about him,” I said nonchalantly. “In fact, I
forgot he was here till you mentioned it.”
Stokes chuckled and opened the door of his own car, his preference over
driving the sheriff’s car. “Whatever you say, man. Tell him I said hello, will
ya?”
“Why would I do that?”
“I dunno. He seemed to be interested in all this when I pulled him over.”
Stokes lifted his arms away from his side and turned a full three-sixty,
showcasing his physique, striking a pose at the end.
“Fuck you,” I said before I was able to filter myself. That had been the
wrong thing to say, as it earned me a knowing look.
His chuckles turned into laughter, and I shut the door of his car when he
got in. “Talk to him, man,” he said. “Get it over with. He’s gotta be here for
a reason, and the only way to find out is by talking to him.”
I shook my head. “We’ll see,” I said, and walked to my car.

***

My heart dropped and unexpected disappointment gnawed at me when I

spotted the empty space where Sawyer’s rental had been parked when I left
this morning. “Of course he’s fucking gone,” I seethed after parking my
patrol car, slamming the steering wheel to release my growing frustration.
Why would he stay? He didn’t have any business here to begin with. It
doesn’t matter. I wanted him gone. I leaped out of my car, slammed the
door shut, then marched inside the house, ignoring the welcoming howls
from my dogs.
“So much for talking,” I said after a neatly made bed greeted me when I
turned on the bedroom light, not a single reminder of my unwelcome visitor
in sight. I marched toward the safe to lock my guns away before passing by
the drawer where I kept everything that reminded me of Sawyer. I pulled
the drawer open and picked up the golden band. Its weight seemed heavier;
its sheen glowed brighter. Just like an old habit, I slid it on my left ring
finger to convince myself that I’d done the right thing coming here. He
wasn’t going to prioritize me. “Do you think he’s here to work things out
between the two of you?” Stokes’s voice echoed in my head, and the
kindling of hope it sparked when he asked the question threatened to catch
fire.
My hand hovered above the turned-over picture frame and, as tempting
as it was to take a peek of our happy times together, seeing him had been
enough of a reminder. In the end, my self-control won and I walked away.
I lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense of Sawyer’s
visit. My mind said I should’ve listened to what he had to say, but my heart
reminded me that I shouldn’t be easy on him. He hurt you. What was so
important that he needed to travel here just to tell me? My stomach
grumbled in protest of all the coffee I’d consumed, reminding me that I
hadn’t eaten all day. My routine was shot, and now that Sawyer was gone,
the world would be right again.

***

Seven Years Ago

I took another swig of Red Bull as the sound of a key made its way inside
the doorknob of our apartment. It was our three-year anniversary and I
wanted to surprise Sawyer with a nice dinner, so, once again, I went to the
clinic uptown to donate my blood plasma for a study at one of the labs at
UCLA Medical Center. This was the third time I’d visited the clinic this
month, and aside from the fatigue that followed, I was usually fine. I needed
extra money to buy a couple of things for today and, at a hundred dollars
per donation, it was a no-brainer for me.
“Honey, I’m home!” Sawyer called.
“Kitchen,” I called out, turning the stove to low.
“It smells so good in here.” He was holding a rustic bouquet of colorful
flowers when he appeared in the kitchen. “Happy anniversary, baby,” he
greeted. “I picked these for you.” His lips found mine for a peck, a familiar
routine, a habit formed out of love. “What are you drinking?” he asked,
sticking his tongue out to taste his lips that were just on mine.
“Red Bull.” I showed him the small skinny can before taking another
sip, polishing off its contents.
“I could use some, it’s been a long day.” He took the can from me and
frowned. “You drank it all.”
“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t know you wanted some.”
Sawyer grinned. “It’s okay. I know how to get some out of you,” he
teased, and grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me in for another kiss,
this time deeper. His tongue probed my mouth, caressing my own.
I was intoxicated. Sawyer had that effect on me. His touch sent shivers
to my soul, his kisses weakened my knees, and his caress made me feel at
home. The only home I’d ever known. Every part of my body ignited, and if
it wasn’t for the clang of the metal spoon dropping to the floor, I would have
been a lost man.
I placed our foreheads together when we finally caught our breaths.
“Why don’t you change and I’ll get dinner ready.”
 “Nah. I’m fine. I’ll help you.” He peeled himself off me and opened the
cabinet, grabbing plates before setting the table. “What are we having
anyway?”
“Seafood paella.” I scooped a spoonful, offering him a taste.
“Our favorite,” he said before taking a bite. “Mmmm.”
“Happy anniversary, my love.”
“I love you, Jace.”
“I love you more, Sawyer.”

***

“Why don’t you relax and I’ll clean up,” Sawyer offered after dinner.
“Least I can do after that amazing meal.” He stood and stacked our dirty
dishes on the table.
“Well, there’s another thing you can do,” I said, bringing his hand to
my lips. “Lots of things actually. I mean, I spent hours making dinner,” I
joked.
“Oh, hours, huh?” he asked, playing along with my silliness.
“Yup. Why do you think I needed an energy drink?”
“You’re a lot of things, but subtle isn’t one.” He smiled and shook his
head. “Why don’t you shower and I’ll finish up here. Then I can figure out
ways to pay you back.”
I kissed Sawyer one more time before running into the bedroom. “You
don’t have to tell me twice,” I yelled.
 My phone that was sitting on top of our dresser lit up with a notification
from one of the cheap flight apps I’d downloaded a few months ago—the
time when my police academy and Sawyer’s medical school classes had
taken most of our energy. I’d been watching this app like a hawk, hoping
something inexpensive would open up so Sawyer and I could finally take a
trip out of town.
Sawyer was arranging the bouquet of flowers in a jar when I made it
back to the kitchen. His eyes were shining with tears. It took him a second
to realize that I was standing by the kitchen, and when he finally did, he put
on a sweet smile that didn’t reach his beautiful eyes. “You okay, baby?” I
asked, and wrapped my arms around him. This was one of the rare
occasions I’d seen a trace of sadness on his face, and my throat thickened
with emotion.
“Yeah, I’m okay. I thought you were showering?”
“I will in a sec. I just wanna ask you something,” I said, my eyes never
leaving his.
“What is it?” Sawyer stopped fidgeting with the flowers and brought his
full attention to me. One of the many things I loved about him: he always
made me feel like the center of his world.
“Where is Walla Walla?” I glanced at my screen to make sure I had the
name of the city correctly.
“I’m not sure. I’ve never heard of it.” He leaned over to check my
phone.
“Wherever it is, we’re going there next weekend,” I declared, and
showed him the flight. “Twenty-nine dollars round trip, baby!” I hoped that
my excitement got to Sawyer somehow. I hated seeing him sad. It was my
job to keep him happy and I was failing.
 “Can we afford it?” he asked, scratching his temple—a telltale sign that
his mind was going a million miles per hour.
“Yes, we have some money saved up, and I’ll try to find us a nice place
to stay that won’t break the bank.”
Slowly, Sawyer turned his back and massaged his neck.
I placed the phone on the Formica counter then reached for his
shoulders. “Hey, it’s okay, baby. It’ll be a lot of fun,” I said when he turned
to face me.
“It’s not that. I know it’ll be fun. We always have fun when we’re
together.”
“Then what is it?” I asked, confused about his train of thought. Had I
missed something?
Sawyer took a deep breath and looked up to the stained popcorn ceiling
of our old apartment. He returned his watery eyes to me. “I’m just tired of
being broke. I couldn’t even get you anything special today.”
I understood; I’d been there more times than I cared to remember. I
cupped his face and planted a kiss on his forehead. “These are special,” I
said, and pointed at the assortment of red and yellow flowers in the
makeshift mason jar vase.
“I saw this beautiful yard on my walk home and asked if I could pick
some for you,” he said, and looked down at his feet.
“Well, I love them. Best bouquet in the history of all bouquets.” I
doubled down. “I get it, Sawyer, but we’re two guys in their early twenties,
a medical student and a police academy recruit living on our own. We’re
supposed to be broke.” I chuckled, trying to assure him that this was
temporary. “I don’t care if we go anywhere or stay in this tiny apartment
until we’re done with school and training. I just wanna be with you.”
 Sawyer let the tears he’d been holding fall. “I just wanna give you the
best because you deserve it.”
“I have you. There’s nothing better than that.” I brushed my thumbs on
his cheeks, wiping his tears away.
“You’re right.” He nodded; a smile spread across his face, sweeter this
time. “Let’s do this.”
“Yeah?” I asked.
Another nod.
“Now, do you wanna party in Walla Walla or what?” I teased.
“You don’t even know where that is!” Sawyer’s laugh filled the room
with joy. He pulled his cell from his back pocket, clicking as he typed. “Oh
look, it’s in Eastern Washington.” He showed me the Google page. “Oh
shoot, it’s famous for its prison.”
“It can’t be the only thing it’s known for,” I said, clicking the link on my
cell. It directed me to a website. “Oh cool, at least it’s wine country too.
Should we go?”
“I wanna go!” he exclaimed. I was so thankful that his smile was back.
I confirmed the purchase. “Done.”
“Now, go ahead and shower, stinky, if you want your dessert.” Sawyer
waggled his eyebrows and ran his fingers across my chest, pressing harder
when he reached my abdomen.
“I will, but before I do, I want you to know that when I’m done with the
academy, I will take you on the most amazing vacations,” I promised,
because I knew it was true. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for my
husband.
“Can we go to London first? I wanna visit my friend, Dawn.”
 “Anywhere you want. Then we’ll post it everywhere, they’ll be
hashtagging the shit out of us. We’ll be everyone’s couple goals.”
“Um…I love everything but the last part,” Sawyer said.
“Maybe not,” I concurred. “I have a better idea. Why don’t you join me
in the shower?” I grabbed his waist and pulled him in closer, letting him
feel just how much I loved him.
His eyes widened and he continued snaking his hand between our
bodies and grabbed my growing erection. “I think that’s a great idea.
You’re always full of ‘big’ ideas,” he said, biting the skin on my collarbone.
As much as I hated freeing myself from Sawyer’s touch, I ran to the
bedroom and yelled behind me, “First one to the shower tops tonight.”
“Cheater,” he said as he tried to catch up with me.

***

I didn’t know how long I’d been lying on the bed reminiscing when Sawyer
appeared in the doorframe, staring down at me. “What?” I barked, resorting
to annoyance because the alternative was more destructive than faking
anger. “I thought you’d gone.”
He ignored me. “Can I talk to you?”
“I told you, I don’t want to hear it.” Curious as I was about what he had
to say, I stormed into the bathroom. Why was I so unwilling to listen?
Wouldn’t that be easier? Was I delaying listening so he’d stay?
Delicious aromatic spices greeted me when I came out of hiding.
Sawyer grabbed plates and then utensils. He moved comfortably, closing
the drawer with a swing of his hip. “Are you hungry?” he asked. “I got us
food.”
“I’m not hungry,” I said, but my stomach betrayed me.
“Sit down,” he ordered.
I raised an eyebrow. Who the fuck did he think he was bossing me
around? That might have worked three years ago, but not anymore.
“You heard me. Sit down, Jace,” he repeated, and slid a plateful of
seafood paella at me.
I pulled out a chair and sat down. Fine, but only because I’m hungry.

OceanofPDF.com
 Ten: Sawyer

The View is Better Up Here

I didn’t notice it right away, but I could feel it. I’d been distracted once
again by seeing Hawkins in his uniform, lying on the bed, and I’d
completely forgotten the beating my body had been through from the long
day of traveling and stressing about how to use the time I had left. Put
simply, I was spent. I was glad the law firm from my Google search was
closed so I had time to stop by one of our favorite places to eat in Seward.
There’d been no question what I would order for Hawkins and me, since
seafood paella was the only food I was craving and I hoped it was still a
sure hit for Hawkins.
But it wasn’t just my appetite that failed to make an appearance; I was
struggling to stand up. I sat down, bracing myself against the table to
prevent myself from passing out. My vision spun, but I tried my best to act
normal. This wasn’t the way to tell him.
Hawkins eyed me but remained silent as he ate his dinner. He must’ve
been hungry, judging by the way he inhaled his food. Was he even
chewing? He slowed down when he saw me watching him. “Are you not
eating?” he asked.
 “Maybe later. You can eat the rest if you want,” I said, staring at what
appeared to be spinning clams, mussels, and shrimp over the saffron-
colored Spanish rice. I gagged and subtly covered my mouth with my
knuckles. God, not right now. I chanced to stand up to fetch some water to
keep my nausea at bay, but when I pushed up from the table, I nearly
collapsed. “Could you please get me some water?” I choked out.
Hawkins was up before I had the chance to complete my request. “You
should really eat something,” he said, returning and handing me a glass. “I
hope tap water is okay?”
Did he really think I cared? I gulped water before my nausea turned into
a full-blown spectacle. I waited a couple of minutes then got up. “Do you
mind if I rest for a bit?” I asked. “Lots of driving today.” I didn’t know why
I bothered telling him, since he didn’t seem to care.
Hawkins followed my movements to the couch with a glare, but I didn’t
have the courage to look into his eyes, or the energy to fight with him. “Use
the bedroom,” he called out, to my surprise.
“Thanks.” I made a beeline to the bed.
An open drawer caught my attention after I closed the door behind me.
The bed was calling my name, luring me to its comfort, but the drawer
piqued my curiosity. I staggered to get to it, holding onto the wall for
support.
A picture frame, facing down, sat by itself inside the drawer. I looked
up to make sure Hawkins hadn’t followed me before running my finger
along the frame’s back, debating whether I should turn it. Slowly, I lifted
the frame and gasped. It was a black-and-white photo of Hawkins and me
from the day we’d decided to be more than friends.
 Staring at our smiling faces, I began to think of those days when I’d
worried about the wrong things: getting As, which medical school to go to,
where to live, and whether we would be successful. But in the end, it wasn’t
what we spent days worrying about that would cause the greatest harm. It
was the unknown that we didn’t plan for that was the catalyst for the
ultimate tragedy.

***

Nine Years Ago

Friend zone. I hated that term, but I hated the idea of Hawkins and me
being ‘just’ friends even more. It’d been a couple of months since he asked
me out to a party hosted by one of his friends, but, not wanting to get
involved with anyone prior to medical school, I turned him down. In the
end, he offered to be my friend instead. I’d seen him around lately. It
seemed like we had the same workout schedule since he was always there
whenever I was around. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought that
he was stalking me. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it would be so
much easier if he’d ask me out once again.
“Do you have any plans next weekend?” he asked during our workout
session a couple of weeks ago. “Me and a couple of my buddies are going
rock climbing and I’m hoping you can join us? I’ll teach if you’d like to
learn.”
I’d said yes before he finished his question. Thankful that I’d rock
climbed a few times before. Truth of the matter was, I would’ve learned to
fly if it meant spending more time with him.
I had it bad for Hawkins.
We’d been on a few ‘friendly’ dates since then and, each time, I tried to
take back what I’d said and go out on an actual date with him. The kind of
date that started and ended with a kiss.
He never brought up dating again. I was afraid I’d missed my chance.
“You cool, man?” he asked, glancing between me and the road lined
with giant sequoia trees. “You seem kinda quiet.”
Man? I’d been friend-zoned for sure, and I only had myself to blame. I
was a mess when it came to Hawkins. I knew what I wanted, but what came
out of my mouth whenever I spoke never reconciled. “I’m cool, man,” I
said, cringing after saying those words out loud. I leaned back, sinking into
the seat, covering my burning face with my hand and looking out the
window.
Hawkins chuckled and redirected his attention to the road.
The sun finally broke through February clouds a couple of hours into
our six-hour trip to Yosemite National Park from Los Angeles. Its majestic
rays made the foggy forest look like a giant painted canvas. Our
surroundings were dappled by light peeking through the canopy of trees.
“It’s so beautiful out here, Hawkins.”
“I know, right,” he said, and quickly looked up to admire the show
Mother Nature was putting on for us. “I’m glad you like it. Wait till you see
the park. Each viewpoint is more breathtaking than the last.”
“I can’t wait. Thanks for bringing me out here,” I added, fishing my
phone out of my pocket to capture the moment.
“Of course,” he said. “I was so excited when you told me you rock
climb. We have so many things in common, you know?”
 “Uh-huh,” I said. I opened the window and aimed my phone outside.
The breeze felt cool and moist against my face, my hair probably looking
crazy whipping around my head. What he said was true. We complemented
each other well, from our love of ’90s RnB to our obsession with seafood.
We were a match made in platonic heaven.
True to his words, each view was more stunning than the last once we
entered the national park. “That’s where we’re staying.” He pointed to a
small clearing with colorful tents of all sizes when we reached base camp.
“But I wanna show you something before the sun sets.”
We’d planned on camping the night before we climbed one of the
smaller rock monoliths near El Capitan tomorrow morning to watch the
sunrise. Thrilled as I was to spend more time with Hawkins, my nerves had
started to consume me, knowing that this might be my last opportunity to
convince him to go out with me. “Where are we going?” I asked.
“Just sit back and relax. I promise you’ll love it.”

***

We got out of the car near a viewpoint overlooking the valley below. We
hiked up a small trail covered with salal bushes that stay green all year. “I
don’t want to rush you, but we better hurry or we’ll miss it,” Hawkins said
when he looked behind to check on me.
“Miss what?” I asked.
“You’ll see,” he said, a huge smile on his face.
 “It looks like it’s on fire!” I exclaimed as I stared at the glowing orange
waterfalls, like molten lava cascading over the cliff.
“Isn’t it amazing? It only happens during a certain time of the year,” he
said. “You need a clear sky. Water level has to be perfect, and you have to
time it just right or you’ll miss it.”
I’d heard about this phenomenon happening at the Horsetail Fall when
the sun sets. The sliver of water coming down El Capitan reflected the
brilliant rays, creating a fire effect. “We came here at the precise time.”
“It’s perfect,” Hawkins said. He stood next to me, close enough that our
hands brushed each other when we moved; his warmth permeated between
us. “I’d never get tired of seeing this.”
“How could you? Look at it.” I turned to face him; his face glowed in
the golden hour. Everything truly was magical this time of the day, when the
sun was slipping below the horizon and it was almost dark but there was
enough light to make everything glow. The vividness of the world with its
natural sepia filter presented a magnificent view, but nothing could rival the
stunning man next to me.
He glanced in my direction, then faced me when he noticed me staring
at him. His features softened, a lazy smile gracing his face. “Is it worth it?”
he asked, his voice thick and smooth like molasses.
I nodded, unsure which question he was asking. Was the long trip worth
the view? Or was he worth the company? The answer was unequivocally
yes to both questions.
“Great,” he whispered. His gaze bounced between my eyes and my lips.
I froze. I wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t want to lose him as a friend if I
miscalculated my actions.
Hawkins’s stare intensified.
 I watched his Adam’s apple bob as we both swallowed hard at the same
time.
His breath tickled my lips as he leaned closer.
I threw caution to the wind and gave in to the moment. This might be
my only chance. I closed the gap between us and was rewarded with our
first kiss. It was better than anything I had imagined.
Hawkins cupped my face, his tongue swiping over my closed lips, which
unlocked my mouth, giving him an opening that did not need an invitation.
I gasped for air, staring at Hawkins’ swollen lips and elated eyes.
“Thank god,” I said.
“That good, huh?”
“That too,” I said. “But you have no idea how relieved I am.” I
grabbed his shirt to pull him closer. “I thought I missed my chance with
you.” I didn’t care if my statement was off tangent.
“Really?” he asked, a grin spreading across his beautiful face. “I’ve
been wanting to do that since I met you.”
“I’m sorry. I was stupid to turn you down. I hope I’m not too late.” I
had no idea where this newly found confidence was coming from. It was as
if kissing Hawkins energized my whole being. I felt recharged.
“There’s no need to say sorry. I get it. You’re focused, and that’s one of
the many things I admire about you.” Hawkins ran the back of his hand
across my cheek then planted a soft kiss on my nose. “Does this mean you’ll
go out on a date with me?”
“We can start now,” I answered. My thirst for Hawkins was stronger
now that I’d had a taste of him. It was a one-way ticket and I had no plans
of going back.
 ***

Even though Hawkins and I were officially past the friend zone and shared
a tent together, we were content to hold each other and kiss until our lips
were red and blue. I was thankful. As much as I wanted to be with Hawkins,
it was too soon to share more than what we had the night before.
“Good morning, Sawyer!” Hawkins greeted me when he opened his
eyes and ran his hand down my naked back.
“Good morning, Hawkins.”
“Actually…” He raised his hand, using it to prop up his head. “Can
you call me Jace instead?”
“Oh, I thought you preferred Hawkins?” I asked, surprised by the
request. Had I been calling him the wrong name the entire time?
“I do, but I’d love for you to call me Jace,” he said with a sheepish
grin.
“I’d love to, Jace,” I said, leaning over for another kiss.
“This is the only good thing about waking up before the sun is up.” He
rubbed his thumb across my lower lip before pulling me in for another
passionate lip tangle.
“Ready to climb?” I asked.
“What time is it?” He reached into his bag, retrieving his digital watch
with a gray rubber wristband to check. “It’s almost 5 a.m. We better get
ready to meet the guys.”
Rock climbing usually requires a couple of people: the climber and the
belayer. Since Hawkins wanted to ascend to the top of one of the smaller
peaks in Yosemite Park, we paired with a couple of guys from his climbing
club. “Are you sure we need a belayer? I can be yours, then we can
switch.”
“I’m sure. I want to go up together,” he said. He sat up, exposing his
ink-covered chest; one side of his chest had a roaring tiger that drove me
insane.
“I just feel bad having them watch while we have all the fun,” I
explained.
“They’re not watching. Belayers are spotting us for safety.”
“I know that, but you know what I mean.”
He nodded with a yawn, raising both arms in the air. “Besides, I
belayed for them a couple of times, so they’re just returning the favor.”
I ran my finger over his forearm, also covered with tattoos, and said,
“As long as you’re sure.”
“Absolutely,” he beamed. “Can I get another kiss?” He moved in
before I had a chance to say yes.

***

The clanking of metal carabiners and the whipping of ropes were music to
any rock climber’s ears, creating an excitement that was hard to replicate.
We’d arrived early and had a chance to get to know the guys who would
serve as our belayers. I approached Hawkins one more time before we
started our ascent.
 Hawkins was shaking his head at me when I walked up to him. Without
a word, he spread his arms away from his body then turned around.
I reached over to check his knots one last time.
“Still good since the last time you checked?” He chuckled.
“I’m just making sure you’re all set. Safety first,” I reasoned, nodding
once satisfied with his setup.
“You two are so adorable,” one of the guys teased. He threaded the
rope through a belay device before locking it to his carabiner, a safety
technique used so climbers didn’t hit the ground if they fell. “You guys
ready?”
Hawkins and I inspected their gear as they did ours. We gave them a
thumbs-up.
“On belay?” Hawkins asked.
“Belay on,” his belayer answered.
“Climbing,” I said.
“Climb up,” my guy replied.
Off we went.
It was clear after a few minutes of propelling and gripping ledges with
our chalk-covered hands that Hawkins was a lot better than me when it
came to rock climbing. I had a suspicion that his display of skills was toned
down so I could catch up. “You don’t have to slow down for me,” I said,
using my right foot to push off a small ridge to propel me up. My fingers
gripped a small crevice, white powder floating in the air as I dipped my
other hand into my pouch to get ready for the next ledge.
I looked up in time to see him grip a ledge with his extended hand, his
muscles flexing. “I’m not in a hurry,” he said in a voice that was all too
calm for exerting the energy needed to pull himself up the 2000-foot granite
mountain.
I glanced to my side and marveled at the glorious view of the park
bathed in predawn light. “The view is amazing,” I said.
“The view is even better up there, especially during sunrise,” Hawkins
said, pointing to the summit.
I’d forgotten that it was one of the reasons why we’d chosen to climb so
early. “Let’s keep going then. I don’t wanna miss it.”
After a few more pushes and pulls, swings and grabs, we made it to the
summit in record time. “Look at that. Perfect timing again,” I said. I
dangled my burning hands to my sides, admiring our surroundings.
“Everything with you is perfect,” Hawkins whispered.
I acknowledged him with a smile.
We left our ropes on and walked a few feet away from the ledge where
we could stretch our legs and enjoy the fruits of our labor. “You’re right,
the view is better up here,” I said. We took a seat on the plateau, and I
glanced at him. “Jace?”
“Yeah?” He flashed me the most incredible smile. I couldn’t believe
someone like Hawkins wanted to be with me, when he could have any guy
he desired.
“Why do you let other people call you Hawkins?” I asked. It had been
on my mind since he’d asked me to call him Jace. It shouldn’t matter, but I
felt like there was a reason behind the request. I wanted to know so I could
learn more about him. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it,” I added
when his smile faded and his features darkened—something I’d never seen
since we started hanging out.
“No, it’s okay,” he said. “You can ask me anything.”
 “So, why?”
He took a deep breath before answering. “I haven’t told this to a lot of
people, but I bounced around different foster homes when I was a
teenager,” he began. He bowed his head to the ground, avoiding my eyes.
“Hey, really. You don’t have to tell me.” I rubbed his back to let him
know I was there if he wanted to talk about it, and I understood if he didn’t.
“I was just curious is all.”
“I wanna tell you.” He brought his attention back to me, his eyes
piercing a hole in my soul. “Anyway, the sheriff kept referring to me as ‘that
Hawkins kid’ when speaking to the foster families and social workers, and
it stuck. That’s what I was known as from then on.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Jace.”
“Don’t be. I kinda liked it. That way only those who were special to me
got to call me Jace. I mean, people can call me whatever they want, but I
prefer those who I care for to call me Jace.”
“Are you sure you want me to call you Jace?” I asked.
“Yes—especially you, Sawyer,” Hawkins said.
Especially you, Sawyer.
He was uncharacteristically quiet.
I felt a sting of melancholy and confusion. I’d only been around the
charming, happy-go-lucky Hawkins who had not a worry in the world.
“Jace.” I touched his arm until he glanced at me. Tears were pooled in his
eyes. “Hey, are you okay? Wanna talk about it?”
“I always think of my mom when up high like this.” Hawkins looked up
at the orange sky, steady tears streaking down his face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t
mean to dampen the mood. Don’t mind me.”
 He attempted to stand, but I held his arm, keeping him in place. “Tell
me,” I urged him.
“It makes me feel closer to her, you know?” His blue eyes were back on
me.
Chase, Hawkins’s friend, mentioned that his mom passed away when he
was young. I had never asked Hawkins about it. “How did she…” I
hesitated. “How did she pass?”
“Cancer.”
“I’m so sorry, Jace.” My heart broke for him, aching with sympathy.
This was the side of Hawkins I doubted he let others see.
“Thank you,” he said.
My hold on him tightened, hoping to express how sorry I was and
thankful that he shared his story with me.
We let time pass in silence, content to be in each other’s company,
Hawkins’s head leaning on my shoulder.
“I think we need a selfie before we descend,” Hawkins said, and pulled
his phone out of his pocket. He sat behind me, placing me between his legs
and arms. “Smile, Sawyer.”
My heart was full, and I flashed the phone my biggest smile.
Hawkins placed a kiss on my cheek then took the image. “What do you
think?” he asked. A pic of us worthy of framing appeared on his screen.
“Good, right? I’m gonna frame this.”
“It’s perfect.”
It was during that sunrise that he took a small piece of my heart.

OceanofPDF.com
 Eleven: Hawkins

Madison’s Cakes

J ust another Tuesday morning in Alaska where the air was crisp, the
water was cold, and the assailant was a wild animal. Gone were the days
of me chasing robbers and busting drug rings. What we’d been dealing with
these days were moose on the road, bear sightings, and, on rare occasions,
lost hikers, if we were lucky. There were times when that was exactly what
I needed, and there were days when I had to ask myself if small town life
was really what I wanted.
“What if it comes back?” Mr. Lowes asked. He held his small white
Pomeranian close to his chest, rubbing the dog’s silky coat. “Lily was
terrified, you should have seen her face.” Lily licked Mr. Lowes’ face with
the tiniest tongue on an animal I’d ever seen. “It’s okay, baby girl. You’re
safe now,” he cooed, and Lily wagged her tail, whimpering in the process.
“Well, if it comes back, call the fire department, not the sheriff’s
office,” I said. Stokes chuckled and turned his back away from Mr. Lowes.
He’d been having a tough time keeping a straight face after we received a
call from Mr. Lowes about a vicious attack, only to find out that the culprit
was a sleepy possum. “Seward’s finest firefighters would be so happy to
respond to your call.”
 Stokes lost it. He was blinking back tears while attempting to keep his
mouth from bursting out laughing. He grabbed the radio from his vest and
pressed a button to mimic the sound of an incoming call. Smooth move. I
wished I’d thought of that. “I’m sorry, I need to take this,” he said. “You
got…” He paused and took a deep breath “…this situation, right?” He
motioned between Mr. Lowes and I before heading back to our patrol car
parked at the curb.
“Thank you, Deputy Stokes. I ’preciate your service,” Mr. Lowes said,
and Stokes acknowledged him with a wave. Mr. Lowes turned his brown
eyes back to me. “So you think the fire department won’t mind if I call
them when that beast comes back?”
“It’ll be their pleasure,” I assured him, patting his shoulder and heading
back to the car. “Consider that a payback whenever they request the entire
sheriff’s team to clear a herd of reindeer,” I whispered to myself.
“Man, that was rough,” Stokes said when I reached the cruiser, now
laughing his ass off without restraint.
“Tell me about it,” I groaned. “I guess that was better than clearing a
herd of reindeer.”
“Not by much,” he said. “We need some action out here. Some car
chase or a drug bust or somethin’.”
“No, we don’t. Trust me.” I’d had my share of intense arrests and
gruesome scenes when I worked in Los Angeles and it wasn’t worth the
glory. Boston was the same. But I understood what he meant. I aspired for
the same after the academy. I wanted action: the bigger, the better.
“You’re probably right. It’d be nice to experience it though. I’ve been
thinking about transferring to Anchorage. At least there I’d get to do more
than wellness calls and saving Pomeranians from a supposed beast attack.”
 “Really?” I asked, shocked. This was the first time Stokes had
mentioned moving. “I thought you were happy here?”
“I am. It’s just a thought.” He shrugged. “Look at you. You’ve been
with Boston PD and LAPD, and we’re practically the same age. I just want
to experience something other than this,” he explained, gesturing outside.
“I get that.” What Stokes said made sense. “You have to do what’s best
for your career.” I felt like a fraud saying those words. Why didn’t I give
Sawyer the same courtesy all those years ago? I shook my head. This was
different. Sawyer was different. “Lemme know if you need anything. I
know a couple of guys over there.”
“Thanks, man.” He tapped my shoulder and started the car. “We better
check the town. Another cruise has docked.”
“Oh, what a joy!” I said, donning my Ray-Bans.
We hadn’t gone a quarter of a mile past Mr. Lowes’s residence when
Stokes slowed down. He looked at his side mirror before stretching his neck
to look back. “Is that your husband?” he asked, still looking behind. “Yeah,
I think that’s the more handsome and way friendlier Mr. Hawkins.”
“Wha-what?” I stuttered, and whipped my head back to check.
“Over there, by the marina.”
My heart was in my mouth as I shook my head. Sawyer looked out of
place with his light blue shirt, navy-blue sports jacket, and dark denim
jeans. His brown boots were what we Alaskans called “impractical.” He
was wearing a pair of sunglasses that made him look like a celebrity gracing
the sleepy town of Seward. Women and an occasional man appraised him
from head to toe as he passed. And because he was Sawyer, he smiled at
every single one of them. He stopped when one of the locals pushing a baby
stroller came out of Seward’s Pediatric Clinic. He lifted his sunglasses and
rested them atop his dark brown hair, striking up a conversation with the
lady. He squatted to meet the baby, then looked up and said something to
the woman. She nodded, and Sawyer stuck his finger in front of the baby.
The child’s little hand reached out to grab Sawyer’s finger; his face
beamed. He had always been great with kids, and not a single fiber of my
being doubted that he was one of the best pediatricians in the world. He
advocated for children; it was the reason he’d accepted a three-year
fellowship in developmental medicine. “I need to be the voice of these
families and spread awareness for this overlooked specialty,” he once told
me.
“Who knew you could smile,” Stokes said with a chuckle.
“I smile.”
“Sure, and I’m Michael B. Jordan.” He looked left and right, and when
he was sure there was no oncoming traffic, he turned around and drove
toward Sawyer.
“What are you doing?” I asked, my pulse quickening.
“I wanna officially meet the other Mr. Hawkins,” he said with a grin.
“You met him the other day.” I reminded him of Sawyer’s first day back
in Seward. Has it only been three days? It felt like he’d been here for weeks
with the way he encroached on my space.
“No, I pulled him over. That’s different.”
“Oh, c’mon, we’re going to be late,” I said, realizing what was left of
our day—patrolling the town and directing traffic caused by the cruise line.
“Afraid he might like my black ass better?” Stokes teased.
Even though I knew he was kidding, that didn’t mean I liked the idea of
Sawyer with him—or any other guy.
 “Chill, man,” he said, laughing. “You look like you’re about ready to
deck me.”
I looked at my reflection, shocked by the dark reaction on my face. I
looked like I was about to start a war. “Buzz off. It’s Dr. Montgomery to
you.”
“Even his name sounds sexy.” Stokes turned on the siren, and caught
Sawyer and several other people by surprise.
“Knock it off.” I reached over to turn the siren off and gave him a stern
look. “Don’t—”
“Don’t what?” he asked. The fucker was enjoying this a little too much
for my taste.
Stokes pulled up outside the clinic and got out of the car first. Sawyer
placed his hand over his eyes, squinting in the bright sun. “Hey, I remember
you,” he said.
“Nolan Stokes.” He extended his hand for a shake.
Sawyer accepted Stokes’s hand and introduced himself. “Sawyer
Montgomery. But you already know that.” Sawyer beamed.
I got out of the car and Sawyer moved his full attention to me. “What
law did I break this time?” he asked. I wasn’t sure if the question was aimed
at Stokes or me.
“The only law you’re breaking is walking around town looking like
that,” Stokes said.
Oh Jesus! That was the lamest line. No wonder Stokes was still single.
“Man, that was bad.” Sawyer laughed. “We need to work on your
game.” I couldn’t help it. A laugh escaped me, catching both Sawyer and
Stokes by surprise.
“It’s not that bad, is it?” Stokes asked.
 “A little,” Sawyer said.
I was reduced to just watching the hilarious interaction between my best
friend and Sawyer.
“What are you up to this morning?” Stokes asked.
“Checking out some of the new stores and maybe grabbing a couple of
things.” Sawyer put his sunglasses back on. “Seward is a lot busier than last
time I was here.”
“Do you need company?” Stokes asked. His questions were starting to
piss me off.
“Aren’t you guys supposed to be working?” Sawyer exchanged looks
between Stokes and me.
“I have a few minutes,” Stokes said.
“Sure, we can grab some pastries and a cup of coffee. Or does it always
have to be doughnuts?” Sawyer looked a lot better than last night, when it
seemed like he was about to pass out.
“Why does it always have to be doughnuts?” I asked, finally.
“You know, cops and your doughnuts.” He winked at me.
“I like you, Sawyer. I’ll keep you company,” Stokes said, and wrapped
his arm around Sawyer’s shoulders.
My nostrils flared, and even though I knew Stokes was harmless, I had
to take deep breaths to control myself. “No, you’re not. Why don’t you head
back to town and I’ll catch up with you later?”
“Alright,” he said, and I knew I’d been played. He wanted me to spend
time with Sawyer.
I adjusted my sunglasses with a not-so-subtle middle finger.
“See ya later, bro,” he said with a mischievous smile. I was thankful that
he peeled himself off my husband before I had to remove him. “Have fun,
Sawyer.”
“Nolan seems like a nice guy,” Sawyer said when Stokes was gone.
“Yup,” I said.
“Are you sure you have time?” he asked. “I didn’t want to impose.”
I answered with a nod.
“Wanna go get some coffee?”
“Sure.”
“That’s all I’m gonna get from you? One word? I’m starting to think I
took the wrong guy to a coffee date,” he teased.
I turned my head at him so quickly I was shocked it was still attached to
my head.
He laughed. “Calm down, I’m just kidding.” I missed that laugh. I used
to make him laugh all the time.
We walked side by side along the marina in silence. Sawyer
occasionally glanced at me when he thought I wasn’t looking, and I was
doing the same while his attention was on the rows of moored boats. “I
hardly recognize this place,” he said.
“A lot has changed in three years.”
“I can see that,” he said, peering my way.
I stopped and looked him in the eye.
Sawyer stopped too, then looked behind me. His mouth opened in
shock, his shoulders sagging. His eyes were sad. “What happened to
Madison’s Bakery?”
I’d forgotten how much he loved that bakery. When we visited Seward,
we always stopped by that place. He was there every day when we were
building our house. He was on a mission to try every single one of their
cakes, and if I remembered correctly, he was two away from achieving that
feat. Their mango mousse cake and pear upside-down cake were the only
two he hadn’t tried. Maddie closed a week after I moved back to Alaska
three years ago. “She closed a long time ago.”
“But why?” Sawyer looked at me with despair. For a moment, I thought
he was joking. He seemed about to cry.
“She had twins.” She did everything by herself since her husband was in
the military and away most of the time. “They live in Anchorage now.”
“But I wanted their cakes…” Sawyer looked up in the air. “Now I’ll
never have it.”
Why was he being so dramatic? “Just go grab a cake from town. There
are a couple of bakeries you can choose from. I’m sure they’ll have
something similar.”
“It’s not the same.”
“What’s the big deal?” I asked. “It’s just cake.”
“It’s not. Remember what I told Maddie when I first met her?”
“What, that you’d try all of her cakes before you died?” I chuckled.
“I’m sure she’ll be alright.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Sawyer turned around and headed toward the
parking lot.
“Sawyer, wait up,” I called, and he stopped walking but didn’t look at
me. “I can take you to town to get some cake.”
“It’s okay. I just wanna go. I parked over there. I can drop you off at the
precinct.”
Our drive to the sheriff’s office was quiet and tense. I glanced at Sawyer
once in a while and that unfamiliar expression was back on his face. It was
a mixture of sadness, despair, and…regret? For what? Cakes? “You can
drop me off there,” I said, pointing to the curb.
 He pulled over without uttering a single word. There was a time when I
would do anything to figure out what made him upset so I could fix it for
him. He was no longer my world. I got out and stood in between the car and
the open door, bending over to look at him. “Are you gonna be fine driving
home?” Home. That was the first time I’d said those words in a very long
time.
He nodded.
“Okay.” I closed the door and stepped out of the way and watched as his
rental car disappeared. “Fuck it.” I pulled my phone from my pocket. “Hey
Maddie, it’s Hawkins,” I said. “I have a huge favor to ask.”

OceanofPDF.com
 Twelve: Sawyer

Is There a Measurement for Regret

I t was noon by the time I made it to Hawkins’s house. The morning

breeze had calmed, and the low morning fog obscuring parts of the bay
and the mountain in the distance had dissipated. If only my mind was as
clear as the picture-perfect view before me.
Dr. Peters’s prediction about my condition had been correct so far; with
each passing day, my energy was decreasing, and I had to drag myself out
of bed to get my day going. I even put in the extra effort to get ready with
the thought that looking good would make me feel good—or at least fool
those around me that I wasn’t dying.
I made my way past the house to visit Topaz. I didn’t know the other
dogs so I let them sniff my hand, but I wasn’t comfortable letting them out
of their pens. Topaz had grown into a beautiful beast with smoky fur and ice
blue eyes. He was no longer the soft ball of fur I remembered. I let him out
of his pen and he almost knocked me to the ground.
“Whoa, Topaz. I know, I’m excited to see you too,” I laughed when he
licked my face. I grabbed his leash and connected it to his collar before
walking gingerly to the bench near the beach.
 Perhaps fresh air would help. Topaz seemed to sense that I needed to be
careful and he didn’t yank on his leash at all. He sat next to me when we
reached the bench and rested his large head on my lap and closed his eyes.
Sighing, I mirrored him and closed my eyes too. Filling my lungs with crisp
ocean air, I thought about my interaction with Hawkins this morning. Did I
overreact about the entire cake situation? Maybe. The failure to try the final
two flavors was another reminder of how I miscalculated everything I knew
in life. Another bucket list item I would never be able to fulfill when my
condition went south.
“Or it could work too.” Dr. Peters’s optimism reverberated in my head.
It could, but I had to treat each day like it was my last in the event that
treatment failed me.
My phone vibrated, jolting me out of my somber mood. I pulled it out
of my coat pocket, frowning at the set of numbers I didn’t recognize. 907.
Who do I know from that area code? Seconds later, it occurred to me that it
was Seward’s local area code. I cleared my throat. “Hello?”
“Hi, this is Mark Harrington, from Harrington and Charles Law Office.
I’m returning Sawyer Montgomery’s call from yesterday,” a man said in a
singsong voice.
“This is he,” I answered. “Thank you for calling back.”
“Oh, it’s my pleasure. I understand you have some questions about
setting up a will?” The sound of pages being flipped carried through the
receiver.
“That’s correct.” I stood to walk to the house so I could take some notes
with my laptop. Dr. Peters never mentioned sudden loss of memory when
she recited the list of potential symptoms, but you never know. “Is it easier
if I make an appointment?” I asked as I opened Topaz’s pen and ushered
him inside.
Mark mentioned something, but the dogs’ loud howls overpowered his
voice.
“I’m sorry about that, I’m almost inside,” I said while catching my
breath. I entered the house and closed the door behind me. “What was that
again?”
“That’s better. We Alaskans love our dogs. Huskies?” Mark chuckled.
“Four Siberian huskies,” I replied, peeking out the window and finding
three of them laying on the ground and Topaz pacing in his pen with a soft
whine.
“That’s great,” he said.
“What were you saying?” I redirected our conversation back to the will.
I didn’t have a problem engaging in conversation, but we needed to get
back to business while I still had some strength left in me. I could use a nap.
“Oh yeah, I was saying maybe you can tell me what you’re thinking
before we set up an appointment. Save you and us some time,” Mark
explained.
I definitely wasn’t in the city anymore. City lawyers charged per
minute, and the more time you spent with them, the better. Apparently not
in a small town like Seward. “Oh, okay,” I began. “I want to name someone
as the beneficiary of all of my property, liquid assets, and my investments
as soon as possible.”
“What’s your relation to this person?” Mark asked.
“Husband,” I said. “Ex-husband.” I paused. “Actually…not ex, really.
Still husband.” My words scrambled, finding ways to define who Hawkins
was in my life.
 “What’s his name?” he asked, without skipping a beat after hearing
another man referring to his spouse as his husband.
“Jace Hawkins,” I said.
“Are you two still together?” Mark asked. His question was like an
icepick to my heart. “Mr. Montgomery?” he asked after a few unanswered
seconds had gone by.
“Um…no, we aren’t together.” I choked on my words as I forced them
out.
“Did either of you file for divorce?”
My voice shook. “No.”
“Well, in the eyes of the law, you and Mr. Hawkins are still married, so
this will be extremely routine,” he explained. “I can handle it in a day or so.
Technically, he gets everything until you two are legally separated. But
everything will change once you file for divorce.”
“We’re not filing for divorce!” I yelled. I hated that word. “I’m sorry. I
didn’t mean it to come out that way.”
“That’s alright. I get it,” he assured me. “Have you had a will created
before?”
“No.”
“Is there a reason why you want this set up as soon as possible?” he
asked.
It should have been an easy question to answer, but the words wouldn’t
come out of my mouth.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’m just trying to get the
full picture,” Mark said gently.
“Medical reason,” I said finally. “I’m afraid I might be dying.
Leukemia.” That was the first time I’d admitted to anyone that I might
actually die.
“I am so sorry, Mr. Montgomery. I really am,” he replied, sincerity in
his voice.
“Yeah, me too,” I whispered. “Me too.” There was no better wake-up
call than the possibility of your own demise. Was there a unit of
measurement for regret? Because if there was, I was sure mine would be the
highest ever recorded.
After finishing up with the lawyer, I made my way to the couch, lured
by the scent of Hawkins embedded on the blanket and pillows.
I gave in and lay down, wrapping the blanket around me, imagining it
was the hand of the man who once cherished me. The world would be so
much better if life moved in reverse, starting from our failures back to
where it began. Imagine the battles we would have surrendered if we had
known they led to nothing but heartache and sorrow.

***

Four Years Ago

“Can we page them one more time, please?” I asked Anita, our charge
nurse, requesting a multidisciplinary consult for my spina bifida patient.
“They’re planning on flying back to Kansas tonight and I would really
appreciate it if they can see my patient before they leave.”
“Is it an urgent consult?” Anita asked before picking up the phone.
 I shook my head. “It isn’t, but I was hoping for a full wellness check
before they fly out,” I said with a tight smile. “The mom said they don’t
have any specialty clinics close to home.”
“I’ll try. They might say no since it’s non-urgent. Will your attending
sign off on the order?”
I was in the beginning of my third and final year of pediatric residency,
and even though Harvard University was one of the leading pediatric
programs in the nation, the institution wasn’t immune to bureaucracy.
Everything non-urgent moved at a snail’s pace. “I will find one to sign off
on it right now.” I hadn’t made my first step when Dr. Lee, one of my
attendings, addressed Anita.
“I’ll sign it,” she said. Dr. Lee grabbed the nearest COW and touched
her badge to make the Computer On Wheels turn on. She entered her
credentials before returning her attention back to me. “Who is the patient,
Dr. Montgomery?”
“Thank you, Dr. Lee,” I said, and jogged to her side, pulling my notes
from my white coat. “Patient is a six-year-old boy, Caleb Sims. They came
in for a neurodevelopmental consult presenting with spina bifida.”
“What’s your recommendation?” she asked as she typed.
“I want to request urology, orthopedics, and social work consults before
they’re discharged. I researched where they live, and there aren’t any
multidisciplinary clinics within a one-hundred-mile radius. I called their
primary care physician and—”
“You called their PCP?” Dr. Lee asked.
“Yes, I spoke with their doctor,” I answered, glancing at my notes
before continuing. “His name is Dr. Bates.”
 Anita spoke up. “Dr. Montgomery does that often, especially for
neurodev kids,” she said with a smile. “That’s why they love him over
there.”
“Is that so?” Dr. Lee nodded. “Go on, doctor.”
“I spoke with Dr. Bates and he said he can manage Caleb’s neurodev
needs if we can formulate a plan. I’m afraid we won’t see them back unless
his condition worsens. But if we can have someone to manage his care
locally, I believe a one-year follow-up with all these specialties will
suffice.”
“Then let’s make it happen for Caleb, Dr. Montgomery.”
“Thank you!” Relief immediately replaced the stress in my body. I knew
I shouldn’t take cases like this personally, but the idea of having my patients
neglected because their quality of life wasn’t considered urgent kept me up
most nights.
“Dr. Lee, I have ortho for you?” Anita said, covering the mouthpiece of
the telephone.
“I’ll take it. Go tell the family your plan,” she said before answering
the call.

***

“Dr. Montgomery,” Dr. Lee called when I exited Caleb’s room. Mr. and
Mrs. Sims were elated when they learned about the plan. It was by no
means a cure for Caleb’s long-term illness, but they took it as a huge win.
“Do you have a couple of minutes?” She gestured to one of the vacant
rooms.
“Of course,” I said, and followed her inside.
Dr. Lee closed the door. “Great job today.”
“Thank you. I hope they didn’t give you a hard time considering it was
an elective request.”
“No, they didn’t.” She placed her stethoscope around her neck, pulling
her long hair out of the way. “They understood after I explained what you
told me.”
“I only want the best for my patients,” I said.
Dr. Lee studied me intently. “That is what makes you special, Dr.
Montgomery. You’re more than just a physician. You’re an advocate for
your patients. With specialties of medicine, most people forget. You know?”
“I want to be their voice,” I said.
“And that’s what the neurodevelopmental specialty needs. What are
your plans post-residency?” she asked, sitting on the hospital bed. She
crossed her legs, dangling them to the side.
“You mean my fellowship?” I asked.
She answered with a nod.
“I haven’t thought about it, really. I’m hoping to start my practice up in
Alaska next year after my training.” That had always been the plan, even
though the voice in my head was becoming louder, telling me I wasn’t quite
done.
“Have you thought about a neurodevelopmental fellowship?” Dr. Lee
asked, eyeing me. “I believe you could make a huge difference in the lives
of those kids.”
 I had thought about it, if I was being completely honest, but another
specialty training on top of my residency meant putting our lives on hold for
another three years. “I have,” I admitted. “But it’s something my husband
and I haven’t discussed.”
“Have you mentioned it to him?”
I shook my head.
She placed her intertwined hands on her lap. “What do you want to
do?”
I met Dr. Lee’s eyes and considered her question. Of course I wanted to
do it, but this wasn’t my decision to make alone. Hawkins and I were a
team.
“Talk to him,” she said. “If it’s important enough for you, you might be
able to convince him.”
“Paging Dr. Lee, Please dial extension 78656,” a male voice said from
the overhead speaker.
Dr. Lee hopped off the bed and headed out, pausing when she reached
the door. “Talk to him. I’m sure he’ll understand.”
What if he says no? The question brought to surface doubts that I hadn’t
considered before.

***

“Honey, I’m home,” I hollered when I entered our brownstone, only to be

greeted with silence. “Baby, I’m home,” I repeated. I knew Hawkins was
home because his patrol car was parked a couple of blocks down the street.
“Jace?” I called from the bottom of the wooden stairs. I hurried up, not
even bothering to remove my shoes when my third call went unanswered.
 Hawkins had his back to me, massaging his neck while speaking on the
phone. “I don’t know what else to tell you, Kyle. I’m going to be busy,” he
said, huffing out a breath, annoyance in his tone. “Sawyer is very busy too.
He’s in his final year.” He glanced back at me and shook his head, pointing
at the phone. “I’ll ask him. I have to go, Kyle.” Hawkins ended the call
before completing his sentence. “Sorry about that, baby,” he said, and
cupped my face for a kiss. “Thank god you’re home. It’s been a long day.”
He wrapped his arms around my waist and nestled his face in the crook of
my neck.
I tightened my hold on my husband, rubbing my hand on his back. He
smelled fresh, like he’d just come out of the shower. “Everything okay, my
love?”
He nodded, keeping his face on my neck. “Just a long day. And then
Kyle called.”
Hawkins rarely called Kyle “Dad,” but he had his reasons. That didn’t
mean I stopped trying to bridge the gap between father and son, even if the
progress was at glacial speed. “How is your dad?” I asked.
“He’s fine, I guess.”
“Why did he call?”
He peeled his body off mine and I held both of his cheeks. “He’s flying
to town and wants to see us.”
“When’s he coming?”
“Next week.”
“How long have you known about this?”
He shrugged. “He texted me a couple of months ago.” He started to
walk away, but I reached for his arm.
“Oh, Jace.”
 “It doesn’t matter, baby. I’m gonna be busy anyway.”
“Is he still coming?”
“Yup.” Here came the short response. I knew then that we were finished
with this conversation.
“I’ll show him around,” I offered. I couldn’t stand the idea of my father-
in-law being in the same city as us and not being able to visit with him.
“But you’ll be busy.” Hawkins grabbed my hand and led us downstairs.
“Boston is huge. He can entertain himself.”
“I know, and I don’t want him to get overwhelmed. I’ll be off on
Tuesday. I can show him around.” Aside from one weekend off every month,
I got a random day off during the week.
“Are you sure you wanna spend your day off with him?” Hawkins
asked.
“Of course. He’s family.”

OceanofPDF.com
 Thirteen: Hawkins

Let Me Make One Thing Clear

I t was nine o’clock in the evening when I arrived at Maddie’s residence. I

didn’t think she could whip up a couple of obscure-flavored cakes on
such short notice, but she’d been thrilled to hear from me. She surprised me
when she said “we” could pick it up tonight. I didn’t have the heart to tell
her over the phone that Sawyer and I were no longer together. In fact, I
didn’t think she knew that Sawyer stayed in the lower forty-eight after I
moved back to Alaska. She was in the middle of relocating her family then,
so I doubted our business was her priority.
Maddie had a huge smile on her face when she answered the door.
“Where’s Doc?” she asked, peering around me to see if Sawyer was in the
car, then pouted. “Aww. He didn’t come?” She grabbed two pink boxes
from her side table by the door and handed them to me.
“No, he stayed home. He doesn’t know I’m picking these up,” I said.
“Oh, you’re surprising him with the last two cakes he hasn’t tried.” Her
eyes sparkled and she clapped in excitement. “That’s so sweet.”
“Well…” I started to tell her about Sawyer and me when a cry carried
through the door. “Oh shoot, that’s the twins. Still in their terrible twos,”
Maddie said, glancing behind her.
 “Aren’t they three?” I asked.
“Tell me about it.” She shook her head, tucking her brown locks behind
her ears. “Are you sure you can’t stay for a bit?”
“I wish I could.” I fished a bill out of my pocket to pay for the cakes but
Maddie stopped me.
“Tell you what, come back and pay me next time. And bring your
handsome hubby with you.”
“Mommy!” the voice of a little girl called out.
“I’m coming,” she said, before turning her attention to me. “I’m being
summoned.” She stood on her tiptoes and kissed me on my cheek. “Gotta
go. Don’t be a stranger.”
“Okay,” I said. “Thanks for these.” I lifted the boxes in thanks and
walked back to my car.
“Bring Sawyer next time!” she yelled before closing the door.
I stared at the boxes of treats, thinking about all the reasons why this
was a terrible idea. He hurt you. I took a deep breath before bringing the car
to life.
A group of butterflies encroached my stomach with the idea of bringing
sweets to Sawyer. Truth be told, the way to Sawyer’s heart was with sweets.
“One last favor for him,” I told myself as I began the drive home.

***

Four Years Ago

“I hate the rain,” I cursed aloud after parking my patrol car on the side of
the brownstone-lined streets. “Only one more year.” I pulled my hoodie on
before running almost an entire block home. Boston had been good, and I
was thankful that I was able to get on with the Boston Police Department
when Sawyer matched his residency at Harvard, but I was itching for our
life to get started. I wanted to move to Alaska, where Sawyer could start his
pediatric practice while I hoped to join the force up there. We could finish
the house we’d started and turn it into a home. Gone were the days of living
in a dinky old apartment now that Sawyer and I had started making enough
money to achieve the dreams we set for ourselves. Now all we needed was
the time.
Just one more year.
I had a big surprise for Sawyer today. Since it was cold, I had to stuff
the surprise in my sweater. Then I carefully exited my car and grabbed the
box of donuts. My boots pounded on the cobblestone pavement, rainwater
splatter soaking my pants and my socks. I should have walked, but I needed
to get out of this torrential rain.
Since it was the second Friday of the month, which was Sawyer’s only
weekend off, I wanted to do something special for him because he had been
working so hard. I hoped he didn’t suspect anything because this usually
meant movie night if we ever made it past the opening credits without
groping each other.
“You’re soaked, baby,” he greeted with a kiss on the lips. It was a
familiar kiss formed out of the habit that only people in love shared. He
took the box of donuts from me and walked it to the kitchen counter. I
followed behind him, receiving a curious glance over his shoulder because I
usually unloaded wet shoes and clothes near the door.
 “What’s up?” he asked after he deposited the box.
A small yip sounded from my hoodie before it wiggled.
Sawyer gasped. “Is that? No way!”
Unable to get the ball of puff to sit still any longer, I carefully removed
the baby husky from my hoodie. “Surprise!”
“Jace!” Sawyer exclaimed. “Did you get me a puppy? Oh my god, he’s
beautiful!” He accepted the fur ball with legs and gently held our newest
family member to his chin.
I sighed a breath of relief because truth be told, I wasn’t sure if Sawyer
wanted a puppy yet. We’d talked about it plenty of times before, but he was
still in his residency program and the house wasn’t finished yet. “I saw him
when I was answering a call. A breeder had a bunch of puppies outside on
their front lawn. He’s kind of the runt of the litter but I thought his smoky
coat was gorgeous.”
Sawyer cooed. “He’s so soft and tiny. What should we call him?”
“Well, his eyes look like blue topaz.”
My husband’s eyes glistened. “Topaz is perfect. Thank you so much.”
He leaned forward and kissed me. “What’s up with you and your aversion
to umbrellas?” he chuckled when he stepped in the puddle on the floor.
I’d never been a fan of umbrellas, especially the pointed ones, because
of my irrational fear of lighting. I’d heard a story about someone being
struck by lightning while carrying one. No thank you, I wasn’t about to be
barbecued. NEXT!
“Why don’t you dry off,” he suggested while stroking Topaz’s soft fur.
“Right, I don’t want to catch a cold,” I teased.
On cue, Sawyer rolled his eyes so hard, all I could see was white.
Wanna piss off a doctor? Say shit like that. “That’s not how you catch a
cold, you know. It’s from a virus. Nothing to do with being cold.”
“Are you sure?” I joked. “Not what I heard.”
“Heard from where?”
“One of my trusted sources on YouTube.”
“Oh my god.” He shook his head. “Go change or Topaz and I will start
movie night without you,” Sawyer warned.
“Don’t you dare,” I threatened before I headed outside to get the rest of
the puppy stuff.
“Well, keep talking like that and we will,” he called seconds before I
closed the door.
It’s amazing how much stuff a puppy needed. Thankfully we had the
space for a pen. I set it all up while Sawyer played with the cotton ball with
legs and the movie played in the background. Eventually, Topaz fell asleep
and I was ready for my dessert.
“You wanna shower with me?” I asked Sawyer who was double-
checking that the pen was secure.
“Mmm, sounds like a plan. I can’t believe we have a puppy,” he said.
“I figured it was a sure way to score,” I joked.
“Smooth.”
“I wish I was that smooth.” I laughed.
“You are that smooth, Jace. You’re everything,” Sawyer said, more
serious this time.My heart tightened, as it always did whenever he looked at
me like we were the only people in the world. That look made me feel like I
was the king of everything. “I love you,” was all I managed to say as he
held my hand, leading us upstairs to the bedroom.
Sawyer peppered my face with sweet kisses, making his way to my lips
every few touches. His eyes shimmered with love. One by one, he
unbuttoned my shirt. I reached out to take his shirt off, but he shook his
head, took my hand, and returned it to my side. Once each button was
undone, he palmed my chest tenderly before traveling up to my shoulders
and letting my shirt slide off. He trailed my ink-covered body with his lips,
starting from my shoulder down to my chest, where he spent extra time
nibbling my nipple before traveling to my flank, where the date of our
wedding, VIII XIV MMXV, was tattooed.
“Mine too,” I said.
Sawyer gave it one last kiss, before traveling to my belly button, swiping
his tongue on the skin above my belt. He nipped at the skin, making me
moan in pleasure.
I tried to undo my belt only to be met with another slap of my hands.
“Patience,” he said. “I’ll get there, my love.” He looked up at my face,
his eyes were glassy with desire. “Let me worship you.”
I ran my fingers through his silky hair and down to his cheek, swiping
his lips with my thumb.
Sawyer held my hand and kissed it before placing it back to my side. I
received the message loud and clear. He was in control and I was just there
to enjoy the pleasure my husband was showering me with. Sawyer nuzzled
my cock through my pants, blowing warm air through the material before
undoing my belt painstakingly slow. The buckle and prong of my belt
clanged followed by the sound of a zipper being tugged. He let my pants
slip down my legs until they gathered at my feet. “Someone’s ready,” he
teased, running a hand along my swelling dick.
“You have no ideaahhhhhhh,” I couldn’t complete my sentence before
Sawyer’s wet mouth engulfed my cock through my underwear. “Baby.” I
closed my eyes and moaned. “I might not last.” It had been a week since
we’d had sex because of our hectic schedules and with a seven-day load,
and the sensuality currently being displayed by my husband, I could come
at any moment.
Sawyer did not respond, not with words at least. He lifted his hand and
rubbed my dick without pulling my underwear off. His lips joined his hand,
jerking me off. Even with the fabric separating my swollen shaft from his
mouth and touch, all my senses fired and I was diminished to moans and
grunts. The spell Sawyer had cast on me was more powerful than anything
I’d ever experienced.
“Look at me, Jace,” Sawyer ordered. “I want you to watch me when I
make you cum this way.” I followed his command and locked eyes with him
as he continued tugging and blowing my cock. His pace picked up, driving
me to the edge while keeping his eyes trained on mine.
I thrusted my hips back and forth, in sync with Sawyer’s rhythm. I
grabbed his head to pull him in closer and tighter, and he let me. Several
more pumps later and all of my energy left my body through my cock.
“Sawyer,” I grunted as my body convulsed in pleasure. My knees were weak
from the mind-blowing orgasm, so I held onto Sawyer’s shoulders to keep
myself upright.
Cum seeped through my briefs, its silky white color a contrast to my
black underwear. Sawyer dragged his tongue over them, savoring every last
drop of me before pulling my underwear down and taking my still hard cock
into his mouth and licking me clean.
“That was hot, baby.” I said once I came down from my Sawyer-
induced high. “Holy shit.”
“Anything for my love.” He grinned.
 ***

Sawyer was sitting in the kitchen with his back to me when I entered the
house. He was reading on his laptop, scrolling through some medical
materials I didn’t understand, and hadn’t heard me.
I cleared my throat, and he immediately folded his laptop shut like a
teenager caught watching porn. That’s odd. Uneasiness flashed on his face
before he stood to walk away. He eyed the two pink boxes in my arms and
raised an eyebrow.
“These are cakes,” I said, and marched inside, dropping the boxes on
the table.
“For what?”
“You said you wanted to have some,” I reminded him. I crossed my
arms over my chest, awaiting his reaction. A little thank you would have
been nice, but whatever.
“I told you I didn’t want any cakes. I—”
“Just check the box, Sawyer,” I said, huffing out a breath before heading
to my room to change out of my uniform that I’d been in for over twelve
hours.
After a few seconds, Sawyer gasped.
I wanted to look back to see his reaction, but willed myself to keep
walking to the bedroom.
“But how…I thought…how?”
Sawyer appeared in the doorway as I placed my guns in the safe.
“What?” I asked, even though I knew what the question was.
 “You said they closed. How did you get these?”
I shrugged and undid my belt.
“Jace?”
“I called Maddie,” I answered, sitting on the edge of the bed to remove
my shoes and socks.
“You went to Anchorage?” Sawyer’s mouth hung open in shock.
Shrugging again, I peeled my watch off my wrist and tossed it on top of
the nightstand. I stood, unbuttoning my shirt. Sawyer seemed to be at a loss
for words, and was reduced to staring.
“Why would you do that?” he asked finally, searching my eyes.
I ignored his question and turned around, slid off my shirt then threw it
in the hamper. The hair on the back of my neck stood knowing that Sawyer
was watching me. I hated that I was starting to feel nervous in my own
place. I turned to face him with a scowl. “Do you mind? I kinda need to
change.”
Sawyer swallowed. He peeled his perusal from my body then looked me
in the eyes. “Do you wanna have some cake?” he asked. “With me?”
“And why would I wanna do that?” I wrenched open the closet. “Let me
make one thing clear, Sawyer.” I pulled a plain white T-shirt from one of the
drawers, sliding my arms in one opening at a time and pulling it over my
head. “I don’t know why you’re here, but you can’t just worm your way
back in like nothing happened.”
His face darkened, jaw clenching.
I ignored his fury. “I need to feed the dogs,” I said, my shoulder
brushing his chest on my way out.
His footsteps became louder, and I looked back. Sawyer was rushing
toward me, livid.
I gulped. I had never seen him this angry before.

OceanofPDF.com
 Fourteen: Sawyer

Punching Bag No More

E nough of this bullshit. I rushed to catch up with Hawkins before he

made it out the back door. I reached for his hand, only to have him
yank it back. I didn’t give up. There were things that needed to be said. I
blocked the door with my body and then grabbed Hawkins by the shirt
when he stopped. It took every ounce of the very little energy I had left to
pin him against the wall.
He smoldered with anger and surprise, but I ignored how his body
tightened and his eyes clouded with fury.
I was done being the punching bag. I was done feeling guilty.
I.
Was.
Done.
“You wanna keep hating me? Fine. You wanna blame me for our failed
marriage? Knock yourself out,” I said. “But there’s one thing you’re not
going to do.” I pointed my shaking finger at his angry face. “You can’t
stand there and put it all on me. You fucking left, Jace. First sign of trouble
and you were fucking out. So don’t you dare, even for one second, think
that it was all on me. You are just as responsible as I am.” I loosened my
hold on him and staggered back.
The display of emotions on Hawkins’s face intensified. Flashes of
anger, confusion, agony, longing, and passion played on a loop. He reached
for my neck and planted a kiss on my lips, while his other hand gripped my
body, pulling me closer.
The electricity that coursed through me was undeniable. My longing
deepened. Taken aback by his action, I pushed him away.
His eyes popped open; his breathing heavy.
He reached for my hand, pulling me back to him, and I resisted once
again. My heart scolded me, urging me to give in to my desire for my
husband, but my brain could not reconcile what was happening.
We stared at each other for a few seconds, but my heart forced me to
rush toward him until our mouths collided.
We kissed with wild abandon. It had been far too long, and both of us
ran to the well of familiarity and drank to quench our thirst for each other.
Hawkins cupped my face. He nipped my lips, grinding his groin against
mine.
I pushed him hard until his back slammed against the wall with a thud,
causing knick-knacks to fall onto the floor, but I didn’t care.
Hawkins didn’t seem to care either. He pulled me closer; any closer and
I’d be wearing him. That was the reaction I needed. I met his enthusiastic
response by tearing at his clothes, pulling the white T-shirt over his head.
Our lips parted for a second, and after the offending garment was on the
floor, we were on each other like I needed air and he was my oxygen.
Hawkins picked me up in his arms, my legs wrapped around his waist,
and carried me to the bedroom. We kissed every step of the way. Whatever
wounds needed healing would still be there when this passion storm
subsided, but for now we were both consumed by a force neither of us
wanted to fight. It appeared there was a mutual agreement that whatever
this sudden longing was, it needed to be handled now, and I was fine with
that.
I’d missed this. I couldn’t stand seeing him and not being able to show
him how much his touch affected me.
Hawkins set me down at the foot of the bed and reached for the bottom
of my T-shirt to pull it over my head. I grabbed his hand and resisted for a
moment, afraid for him to see the changes in my body. Hawkins hadn’t seen
me naked in over three years, and with my weight loss, I was self-
conscious. He raised an eyebrow, his eyes scanning mine: was I hitting the
brakes on our firestorm of passion?
I lifted my arms and allowed him to remove my shirt, holding my breath
in the process. Would he still find me attractive without the muscles that
used to drive him insane? I let out a sigh of relief when he started kissing
my neck and shoulders as he murmured sweet nothings while he got
reacquainted with my body. “Jace,” I moaned when his mouth made its way
to my abdomen. He pulled the waistband of my pants lower, peppering
kisses on his way down to my groin.
His hands reached behind me and he slipped them in between my briefs
and my bare ass.
When he stood, I unfastened the snap of his pants and opened the zipper
before yanking the pants down along with his boxers.
Hawkins stepped out of them and gently pushed me onto the bed,
tugging at my pants.
 I reached for him, pulling him in for another kiss, because at that
moment, nothing but his kisses would quench my three-year thirst.
He landed on top of me; his weight encapsulated me, shielding me from
my new reality.
I snaked my hand between our bodies to grab his erection, gripping and
tugging, hoping that my strokes conveyed how much I’d missed him.
He placed his hands on my shoulders and stared into my soul.
I looked away before he pulled the words out of me. Words that could,
and should, make him run.
Hawkins lowered himself and took my cock in his mouth while his
hands explored my abs, making me feel self-conscious again about the
thirty pounds I’d lost over the year.
He looked up and probably noticed me zoning out for a moment.
I met his gaze, cherishing that my beautiful husband was about to make
love with me for the first time in too long. I nodded, and that seemed to be
what he was waiting to see, and he continued sucking my dick. It was a
shame there was an unspoken uncertainty between us, but that was what
three years of separation did.
His hand extended, making its way to the nightstand where we kept our
supplies.
The plastic bottle of lube looked old; I recognized the brand and
wrapping. Is that the same one from years ago? My heart swelled with
bliss. Maybe, like me, Hawkins hadn’t been with another man. I couldn’t
know for sure, but the signs were there. Our wedding ring was still on his
finger, the bottle of lube still in the drawer. I rolled to my stomach,
exposing my ass as an offering to Hawkins.
 “Jesus, you’re beautiful, Sawyer,” he moaned. That was the first time
he’d spoken since our mouths collided minutes ago. His words made me
overjoyed that he wasn’t disappointed my body wasn’t what it used to be.
The pop of the lid filled the tense room, followed by a well-lubed cock
pressed against my hole. “Mmmm,” I moaned. The initial pressure from the
head of his cock knocking on my entrance stung, but I relished it, knowing
that euphoria would soon follow. I relaxed my entire body until his cock
passed through the ring of muscle in my ass.
He leaned forward, sliding his entire length, then carefully moved in
and out of me with purpose. He’d thrust in and hold it a moment, before
pulling out to where his head was barely still in my hole. “Fuck!” he
growled. He pulled out his cock completely before turning my hips, urging
me to lay on my back. Some things never changed. Hawkins had always
wanted to see my face when he finished.
My eyes focused on his and he slid back into my waiting ass. We’d
done this dance a thousand times. That was the beauty of familiarity. We
understood each other’s subtle signs. His hand encircled my cock and began
to jack me off as I held my knees back to my chest. Every pleasure sensor
was being hit. My ass was electrified as his cock slid back and forth over
my prostate. Hawkins could always tell when he was delivering the goods
because my eyes would roll back and my head would toss from side to side.
Our bodies responded with what could only be referred to as some sort
of grunt. Feral and needy.
Our eyes locked. There were a million things we needed to discuss. We
each had our problems—some bigger than others—but, for now, it was him
and me confined in a battle of pleasure. I was close to my prize and, from
the noises coming from him, so was he.
 I lost my train of thought as pure unadulterated pleasure swept from my
prostate to my balls and then sent the message to my brain. It was on.
“Jace!” I whimpered as my orgasm shuddered forth and left me in a heap of
pleasure.
My attention focused back on Hawkins and I found his eyes lasered to
mine. He wanted me to see this. He had something to say and his actions
spoke loudly.
“Sawyer!” he shouted. He pumped his release into me as he leaned
against me. I let go of the backs of my knees and welcomed him as he fell
breathlessly into my arms.
I showered the top of his head with kisses, and after a couple of
minutes, Hawkins propped his body up with his arms. A war of emotions
was on full display when he faced me. He opened his mouth, but shut it
before the first word came out.
He was staring at me once again, more intense this time, until he finally
pulled the words from me that I had been fighting to keep inside the
moment I laid eyes on my husband.
“I love you,” I whispered without regret.
His eyes dimmed; his lips drew into a thin line. Hawkins pulled his
body completely off mine and climbed out of bed. He picked up his clothes
from the floor, sliding into his pants so quickly he almost tumbled.
Even though I’d anticipated this reaction, the disappointment of seeing
him scurrying out of our bedroom still left me disheartened beyond belief.
What did I expect? I was no longer this man’s world.
The door slammed shut, and his heavy footsteps became faint.
I sat up, summoning what was left of my energy to slowly pick up my
clothes in order to buy more time. I knew what I needed to do, but knowing
didn’t make it any less difficult. I’d hurt Hawkins, and I was about to break
his heart once again—only this time it might shatter completely.
I made my way out of the house, and the sight of Hawkins sitting on the
ground facing the dark water with his elbows resting on his bent knees
stopped me in my tracks. His head hung between his legs. There was
nothing more tangible than the obvious proof about the decision I’d made
three years ago than the distance between me and my husband at the
present. His despair was evident in the sagging of his back, which glowed
in the blue moonlight.
A sob rose through my throat as layers of unsettled emotion threatened
to overcome my senses.
I realized too late that we’d wasted our time together waiting for our
dreams to start while life began without us. Home was our dinky apartment.
Joy was driving to the coast looking for the perfect spot to enjoy the lunch
we’d packed because we couldn’t afford to spend a dime eating out. Dreams
were the vows we made on our wedding day when we promised to spend
the rest of our lives together. Family was the two of us waking up to a
yipping fur ball licking our faces.
We’d achieved what we wanted but, in turn, we’d lost each other.

OceanofPDF.com
 Fifteen: Hawkins

Moving Mountains

I found myself sitting on the ground a few yards away from the beach
with nothing but my thoughts and the crashing waves. I should feel
empty. I wanted my heart to be a vast nothingness so I didn’t have to hurt
when Sawyer was gone again.
Sawyer loved me.
The tragic part was I loved him too. I never stopped. I wished I could
pour my affection for him in moderation so I could scale back until there
was no more love to give.
“One simply cannot love in restraint. It’s either zero or full speed,” my
mom used to tell me every time I asked her if she loved me less whenever I
did something bad as a kid. I didn’t understand then, but as I got older, the
message became clear. A wave of sadness took over me at the thought of
her. Everyone I loved ended up leaving me: Mom with cancer, my dad with
alcohol. Even Sawyer left when he chose his career over mine. My
whimpers turned to cries when I realized I would never be someone’s
priority. No matter what I did. No matter how hard I tried.

***
 Three Years Ago

“I need to tell you something,” Sawyer said when he poked his head
through the door of our bedroom.
I saved the email I was composing for Seward’s Sheriff Department to
draft and gave my husband my full attention, even though I was unsteady
inside. Nothing good happened after the “I need to tell you something”
statement. At least, from my personal experience. It was the same opening
my parents used when they shared the news of Mom’s diagnosis when I was
a teenager. It was also the same line one of the social workers started with
when they told me I wouldn’t be able to come home because Dad had
slipped back into his addiction. So, as terrified as I was by this
conversation, I plastered a smile on my face. This was my husband, after
all. He wouldn’t say anything that could change the course of our lives.
“Of course, baby. Come here.” I shut my laptop and set it on the
nightstand next to our wedding picture before tapping the space next to me
on our bed. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” he said, clicking the pen in his hand repeatedly.
I took the pen away from him and placed my hand over his. “Talk to
me.”
“I was thinking about our plan after this year…” He trailed off. “I was
thinking of doing a fellowship after my residency.”
Okay, that wasn’t as terrible as I’d thought. I didn’t know what a
fellowship was, but it didn’t sound too bad. “What’s a fellowship?”
“It’s another training after residency,” he explained.
 “Oh, of course,” I said, relieved that it wasn’t something life-changing.
“Are we talking about a couple of weeks? A month?”
Sawyer shook his head.
“No?” I asked. “Didn’t you just attend one last month?” I reminded
him about our trip to Washington, DC for training. I wasn’t able to come for
the full week, but I was able to join him for a couple of days.
“That was training for a certificate,” he said.
“Oh, my bad. You doctors do a lot of training, it’s hard to keep track,” I
teased. The anxiety was back, billowing inside me. “So, two months then?”
“It’s three years, and there’s a chance we’d have to move because, like
residency, it is a matching process.”
It was as if a bucket of ice was dumped over my head. I knew it. That
statement was bad news. “Three years?” I got off the bed and walked to the
window. Rain was falling and lightning flashed outside. I turned to face
him. “Are you asking me or telling me?”
“I wanna talk to you about it,” he said.
“Why is it so long? Can you pick a shorter one?”
“It doesn’t work that way. The program dictates the duration.”
I only understood half of what he was saying, my mind was stuck on
what he’d said about three additional years for this fellowship bullshit.
“But we have a plan, Sawyer. What about that?” I asked. “Why can’t
what we have be enough?”
Sawyer stayed quiet.
“If you’re doing it to make more money…I can work more. I’ll get
overtime. Whatever we need. But we can’t put our lives on hold for another
three years, Sawyer.”
 “Jace, this isn’t about money. Please understand, it’s very important to
me.” His voice broke and tears fell. I wanted to reach for him, I couldn’t
stand to see him unhappy, but I was hurting too. This news took me by
surprise.
“We”—I motioned between Sawyer and I—“are important. Not fancy
things or titles. Just us.”
Sawyer stood, shaking his head. “Do you think we aren’t important to
me?” He gestured between us and the roof over our heads. “This is the
most important thing for me too. You have to know that.”
“Your actions say otherwise.” My dad had told me the same thing. He’d
told me that I was the most important thing in the world—and look how that
ended. If this was how people treated the most important person in their
lives, they could count me out.
“That’s not fair, Jace, and you know it.”
“I can’t deal with this right now,” I said, and headed out of our
bedroom.
“Where’re you going?” Sawyer called, but I didn’t stop.

***

I sat on the stool, staring at the selection of alcohol displayed on the wall
behind the bar. I’d never understood the appeal of places like this. This was
my first time being in one of these bars and I wasn’t impressed. The music
was loud, the floor was sticky, and it smelled bad. I couldn’t believe my dad
spent most of his days in places like this when I was younger. He’d been
sober for a while now, according to Sawyer, but I was sure he would slip
one of these days.
“What can I get you, man?” the bartender asked after wiping the
counter with a rag.
“Um, whiskey?”
“Was that a question?” He draped the white rag over his shoulder.
“I want whiskey,” I said.
“You got it.” He tossed a couple of ice cubes into a glass before filling
half of it with golden liquid from the black-labeled bottle. He placed the
drink in front of me. “Anything else?”
I shook my head. “No, that’s it.”
“Just holler if you need anything,” he said, shifting his attention to the
next customer.
I stared at my drink, curious about what my dad found in it. Was it
really that good that he was willing to throw away his only family for a
taste? I’d never had alcohol before, but I wanted to see if it numbed the
pain like people said it did.
Lifting the glass to my mouth, I stopped and stared at it one more time. I
dropped it back on the counter, untouched. I stood, pulled cash out of my
wallet, and left it under the glass.
“Hey, man,” the bartender asked. “Is that not what you wanted?” He
pointed at the whiskey. “I can pour you something different.”
“You’re fine. Just not into it, I guess,” I said, and headed home.

***
I stood silently by the bedroom window, holding a sleeping Topaz. It was a
cold summer night; the rain had stopped, but the dark clouds were a
reminder that the reprieve would be short-lived. Footsteps closed in on me,
their steady pace slowed, and ultimately stopped behind me. I looked back
into the eyes of my husband. Never once had I imagined him to be here
hurting. His eyes were puffy and red.
“You don’t come second, Jace. I hope you know that,” Sawyer said.
“My love for you has been, and always will be, my priority.”
The bundle of fur in my arms yipped and wiggled so I lowered him to
the bed where he disappeared between our pillows. “Then why can’t this be
enough?” I gestured between me and our home. “Why am I not enough?”
“Don’t say that. You’re more than enough. You’re everything to me,” he
said.
“I followed you, everywhere you went. You wanted to stay in Los
Angeles for medical school, I stayed. You wanted to move across the
country for residency, I was there. I followed you everywhere you went
because I love you. But when is it going to end? When will you put me
first?”
“Jace, listen to me. You’re my priority, but this is something I need to
do. This is my dream.”
“Your dream.” A dry laugh escaped me. “What about my dreams? Did
you even think of that? Or are you too busy only thinking about yours?”
Sawyer froze, and I knew I’d been right. He never thought about what I
wanted.
“Tell me what you want me to do.” He closed the space between us and
held my hand. “Tell me where you wanna go and I’ll go with you.” He held
my face, urging me to look at him. “If you want me to quit my job, I’ll do it.
Just tell me what you want.”
“This is a battle neither of us will win, Sawyer. If you do this training,
I’ll lose you.” I looked up, pinching the bridge of my nose. He would leave
me sooner or later. When he realized the limitations of what I could provide
him. I never once imagined that I would be having this conversation with
the only man I’d ever loved, but here we were. “And if you don’t, you’ll
spend the rest of our marriage resenting me.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way. We can figure this out. We can fight
through this.” Sawyer intertwined our hands before placing them above his
beating heart.
Meeting Sawyer had given me a false sense of hope. I should have
known better than to hope that this was my life. I knew it would end soon.
“I don’t have any fight left in me. It was consumed by all of the mountains I
moved for you.”
“Jace, what are you saying?”
“I’m going to stick with our plan. I will be moving back to Alaska and
starting my life. I can’t wait anymore.”

***

I looked up to the sky, the auroras dancing with a magnificent glow.

“Mom,” I whispered. “Are you out there somewhere? Because I need you. I
need you to tell me why everyone leaves me.” Bitter tears streaked my
cheeks. “Is there something wrong with me?” A sob escaped. It was time I
reverted back to that lost teen, the one who relied on himself to survive.
 “There’s nothing wrong with you, Jace.”
I wiped my tears away quickly, then stood. He will not see me cry. His
visit had lasted long enough. “Why are you here, Sawyer?” I asked. He said
he needed to talk, and now, I was all ears. I took a deep breath. “After all
these years, why now?”
Sawyer didn’t move a muscle. He looked me in the eyes, and nothing
could have prepared me for his next words.
His face crumpled like an old tissue. “I have cancer, Jace.”

OceanofPDF.com
 Sixteen: Hawkins

Promise Me

S awyer’s words were like a bullet to the brain, paralyzing every fiber of
my being.
“That’s why I’m here,” he said.
My heart threatened to shatter when dread gripped my soul. I grabbed
my chest when my heart lurched painfully. “What?” I whispered because
my throat was suddenly too dry to speak.
Sawyer’s lips moved but I only caught a couple of words through loud
buzzing between my ears. I was looking at him, but all I could see was my
mother during her final days. It had been fifteen years since she lost her
battle. She may be resting in peace, but my scars were permanent.
I snatched at my temples, pulling at my hair to make sure this wasn’t a
nightmare. Shaking my head to silence the buzz, I forced myself to focus on
the man glowing in the ethereal moonlight. “What did you say?” I gasped,
ignoring how my voice squeaked and faltered.
Sawyer’s eyes sparkled with tears. “I have Leukemia.”
It all made sense now. His pale skin, his weight loss, and lack of energy
had all been red flags I was too angry to acknowledge
 “No!” A choked scream escaped me. “Not you, too.” I rushed toward
him and brought him into my embrace. “Baby, please tell me you’re gonna
be alright.” All the anger I had sheltered was being replaced with the fear
that I could lose the love of my life forever.
“I don’t know, Jace,” he admitted.
“What do you mean, you don’t know? You have to be okay, please tell
me you’re going to be okay.” My desperation begged for his assurance that
he wouldn’t end up the way Mom did. I felt just as helpless as I did back
then. “I can’t lose you too, Sawyer. I don’t know if I can survive it.”

***

Fifteen Years Ago

The music I was listening to stopped when my headphones were pulled out
of my ears. I knew it was my dad without looking up. “Here you are,” Dad
said when he found me sitting on the floor in the waiting room of the
Providence St. Vincent Hospital, where my mom had been the past two
weeks. I’d avoided her room the entire time.
Her visits to the hospital were becoming more frequent, and I feared
that she might be losing her battle with cancer. Months before, when I asked
Mom why she hadn’t been going on her weekly appointments, she told me
that her doctor had recommended she stop chemotherapy. And when I asked
her if it was because she was feeling better, she quickly changed the subject
and asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was only thirteen and
hadn’t thought about my future. I didn’t have time to think about it when my
mind was occupied with my mom’s health. I asked my dad the same
question, but he deflected the topic of Mom’s condition on several
occasions, and when he finally answered, it was vague. So I stopped
bugging them.
I could only see my dad’s legs when he kneeled on the floor in front of
me and placed his hands on my shoulders. “Go see your mom. She wants to
see you.”
I knew Mom’s cancer had spread to her liver and lungs, and I once
overheard her speaking to my dad about giving up. “I don’t know how
much longer I can hang on. Sometimes I wish that God would stop my
suffering and take me. I’m tired of fighting,” she had said. I didn’t want to
lose her, but I also didn’t wanna see her suffer. I was at a loss. What would I
do without my mom?
“I’m scared,” I said, my head wedged between my knees.
Dad sat next to me and wrapped an arm around me. “I’m scared too,
Jace. But we have to be strong for your mom.” He squeezed my shoulder,
pulling me in for a hug. I’d always been close to my dad, but the past
couple of years had made our bond even stronger. My dad did it all. He
took me to all of my football practices, attended PTA meetings, watched my
recitals, and chaperoned for our class field trips. And when he wasn’t doing
those things for me, he took care of Mom’s needs. I never once heard him
complain. “I need you to be strong, okay. I know it’s hard, buddy, but try for
me, please?” He’d done everything for me, so I could be strong for him. I
could be strong for us, so he’d never have to shoulder this alone.
“Is she gonna die, Dad?” I waited for his answer, but after a few
seconds passed and he remained silent, I lifted my face and looked up at
him. His head was leaning against the wall, looking up at the ceiling, tears
cascading down his cheeks. “Dad?” I asked.
I had never seen my dad cry—not when he lost my grandparents, not
during Mom’s initial diagnosis, not when she lost all of her hair from
chemo, and not after the countless number of surgeries she went through.
The anguish on his face made him unrecognizable. His armor was gone,
replaced by a mask of suffering. His light brown facial hair was now gray,
and the dark circles under his eyes were more pronounced. He shook his
head. “I don’t know, Jace. I really don’t,” he whispered. He said we needed
to be strong. I wondered if that was a reminder for him as much as it was
for me.
I stood and straightened my clothes. Mom never liked it when my shirt
was all wrinkled and dirty. She always wanted me to look my best. “I
wanna see her,” I said.
Dad remained seated on the floor. “Why don’t you go ahead? I’ll be
right behind you.”
I nodded and walked down the creepy hospital hall. Weeping
accompanied the sound of my footsteps, and I knew it was coming from
Dad. I looked back and he’d mirrored my position of minutes ago. Torn
between consoling him and seeing my mom, I froze in the middle of the hall.
Dad must have heard my footsteps halt. “Go on, Jace. I’ll be right
behind you.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
The beeping of machines greeted me when I entered her chilly room.
She wheezed through the tubes in her nose, which were attached to the
green oxygen tank. She looked frail, a shell of the amazing woman she once
was. Her bones protruded, her hands were purple and blue from being
poked with needles.
“Mom,” I whispered when I reached her bed. I softly lay my hand on
her arm when she didn’t respond.
She grunted then turned her face to me. Her eyes opened and she
attempted a smile. “Jace, my boy,” she murmured.
“I’m here, Mom. I’m sorry I haven’t been coming.” I’d joined my dad at
the hospital every day but stayed as far away as I could when we arrived. A
strong sense of guilt coursed through me, but I remembered what my dad
had said. We need to be strong. Mom moved her other hand over the white
hospital blanket until it landed on mine.
She moved as if we were living in slow motion. “No need”—she took a
deep breath—“to apologize, my love.” She was so understanding. “I know
you’re here every day.”
“I’m so sorry, Mom.”
“I know you’re scared, my love.” She paused again. It appeared that
speaking was taking every last ounce of her energy. “I used to be scared
too.”
“You’re not afraid anymore?” I asked, squeezing her arm gently when
her eyes closed for a few moments.
She attempted to shake her head. “You know I’m not going to be here
forever, right?”
I nodded, tears bouncing off our joined hands.
“I’m not afraid because I know you’re in great hands. Your dad is a
great father, and you’re an amazing kid. I know you’ll both be fine when I’m
gone.” A lone tear etched down her gaunt face. “You’ll be sad for a long
time. But, little by little, you’ll feel better.”
 “I don’t want to lose you, Mom.”
“You won’t. I will always be here.” She placed her hand on my chest
where my heart was. “Remember the auroras?”
I nodded. “Yes. We love watching them.”
“Exactly. I will be watching over you through the auroras. When you’re
feeling sad, just look up and find them if you can. You can reach me through
them.”
“Okay, Mom.”
She pointed to a purse that was made out of candy wrappers sitting on
the side table, next to a glass of water with a plastic straw.
I grabbed the bag I had made for her when I was in fifth grade and
placed it at her side.
“This is my favorite bag,” she said, fishing for something inside it.
“There it is.” Mom pulled a small black velvet box out and handed it to me.
“What is this?” I asked, running my finger over the velvet surface.
“Open it,” she said.
I opened the clamshell box, revealing a golden ring with a single
diamond in the middle.
“Your dad gave that to me when he proposed,” she explained. “I want
you to have that so you can give it to the woman lucky enough to be your
wife.”
I hadn’t told anyone my truth, but I didn’t want to hide it from Mom
anymore. “What if I wanna marry a boy?” I held my breath, awaiting her
reaction.
“Then, Jace,” she began with a smile, “he’ll be the luckiest man in the
world.” She continued without hesitation. “Keep it. One day, you’ll have a
family of your own. Pass that on to them.”
 “I will. Thank you,” I said. It was the most beautiful ring I’d ever seen.
“I love you, Mom.” I leaned over to kiss her cheek.
“I’m sorry that I won’t be able to watch you turn into the honorable
man I know you will be.”
Sniffles caught my attention. Dad joined us, kissing the top of my head
and placing his hand on Mom’s stomach. He took mine and placed it on top
of his.
A smile graced Mom’s face as he placed hers over ours. “Can you sing
for me, Jace? I haven’t heard your beautiful voice in a long time.”
I hadn’t been singing much these days. But if it brought her happiness
and comfort, I’d sing for the rest of my life. I pocketed the ring. “What did
you wanna hear?”
“Sing that one song you made up about the auroras.”
It was a song I had made up for the talent show a couple of years ago. I
cleared my throat and closed my eyes.
“It may get cold, it may get dark, but I’ll never be lonely. The leaves
will blow, and I might starve, but I’ll never be lonely. She waves to me from
the amber sky and whispers a sweet lullaby. I’m just a boy in this big brave
world, but I’ll never be alone. I’ll never be a— Mom?”
The beeping morphed into a steady alarm, the screen above us showing
Mom’s heartbeat flatlining and her hand holding ours fell to her side.
“No! No! No!” I screamed as a group of nurses and doctors rushed into
her room.
“Ally?” Dad’s voice croaked as we were ushered out.
“Please, have them wait outside,” a man I assumed was the doctor said.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Dad said, resisting their orders.
 “Mr. Hawkins, please,” the man pleaded as a nurse handed him a pair
of hand-sized paddles with metal surfaces.
“I’m staying,” Dad insisted.
The man stopped arguing. “Then please stand over there.” He pointed
to the corner of the room. “Clear!” he shouted before charging Mom’s
chest with volts of electricity.
I looked up to the screen, hoping for any signs of movement other than a
flat line.
Nothing.
“Let’s raise it to 180,” he ordered. A nurse quickly keyed something into
the device.
“Clear!” the doctor repeated.
Still nothing.
I looked at my dad. His hands were shaking watching the commotion in
the room. I briefly wondered if his heart was being ripped out just like mine.
The doctor attempted several more times without any success, and this
became the worst day of my life when he uttered the words, “Time of death,
8:15.”
“No!!!” Dad wailed.
I rushed toward him and he hugged me tightly. We are on our own now.

***

“I’m sorry, Jace,” Sawyer said. “I wish I could say that I’ll be okay and that
everything will be fine. But I don’t know.” I wrapped him in my embrace. I
must have done something awful in my past life to deserve all this
heartache and pain. There should be a quota for how much sorrow one can
go through, because I had no doubt that a person would have to live ten
lifetimes to match mine.
“It’s all my fault. I should’ve never left you,” I said. “I should have been
there for you, to take care of you. Maybe none of this would have
happened.”
“It’s not your fault, Jace. That’s not how cancer works.”
I knew that, but there must’ve been something I could have done to save
my Sawyer. My husband.
“You did what you had to do to live your life. I’m the one who should
be apologizing for wasting the beautiful thing we had for nothing.”
“It wasn’t for nothing and you know it,” I said. “You made differences
in the lives of your patients. I let my own demons drown the voices in my
heart.” That was the first time I’d ever said those words out loud.
“I’m so sorry if I made you feel like you weren’t my priority, because
you were,” he said. “You are. There isn’t a day that I don’t think of you. It’s
all my fault.”
“It’s not, Sawyer.”
“It is,” he insisted. “And I don’t want you to forgive me just because
I’m sick.”
I shook my head. “There’s nothing to forgive.”
“Jace, please don’t be easy on me. I can take it. I want you to know
before…”
“Before what?” I asked.
“Just in case I leave this world.” He paused and cupped my wet face. “I
want you to know I love you. I never stopped, and I’m sorry for hurting
you.”
“I love you too, and we’re not going to waste another day,” I promised
him. “I let my insecurities get the best of me; I didn’t trust in our love
anymore. I wanted to call you every single day, but I was too afraid that you
would think of me as weak.”
“I never did. You’re the strongest man I know.”
“Promise me you’ll never stop fighting.”
Sawyer nodded.
“Promise me,” I begged.
“I promise, Jace.”

OceanofPDF.com
 Seventeen: Sawyer

The Will

T hat night we watched the auroras glow from our bedroom window.
Hawkins and I spent hours apologizing for our actions of three
years ago. Knowing that he’d forgiven me should’ve eased some of my
burden. But as I lay there staring at the most beautiful man I’d ever seen, I
was more terrified than I’d been since I arrived in Alaska.
Hawkins made me promise that I would fight until the end. And I
intended to keep that promise. I was leery of what it could cause him if I
failed.
Aside from admitting that we never stopped loving each other, nothing
as far as my illness had changed. Without treatment, maybe six months to a
year. Dr. Peters’s declaration replayed in my mind. I spent some time
studying what she sent me when I called last week. I did my own research
too, and even with the combination of therapies involved in the
experimental protocol, it could still defeat me. Either way, I had to keep
fighting, but I also needed to make sure everything was in place for the
worst-case scenario.
Or it might work, let’s not forget that.
 Hawkins shifted to his side, facing me, and draped his muscular arm
over me; the arm with the tattoos that drove me insane.
I stilled, holding my breath, afraid that I would interrupt his sleep. I
wanted to kiss him. I wanted to feel him all over. But for now, I’d settle on
admiring him. It’d been almost two o’clock in the morning when we made
our way inside, and if it wasn’t for the cooler temperatures, we would have
slept outside among nature and under the dazzling northern lights. As
exhausted as my body was, my mind was running in overdrive. Hours
passed, and I stayed awake until the first signs of morning grayed the sky.
“Did you sleep?” Hawkins asked, yawning while stretching his arms
over his head.
“Not really,” I admitted. “I have a lot on my mind.” I propped my head
up, facing him.
He leaned in for a kiss and I melted from his touch. Hawkins always
had that effect on me, a force that was as powerful as I remembered. Maybe
stronger now, if that was possible. “What’s on your mind, baby?” he asked,
gazing into my eyes.
“My treatment,” I answered. I reached for his hand, intertwining it with
mine. “You.”
“You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be there for you. I will never
leave your side. Ever.” He sat up, leaning his back against the headboard.
He lifted my head, inviting me to join him. “All you have to worry about is
your treatment.”
I nodded. “We have to prepare, just in case.”
He waved his hand repeatedly. “No, you’re gonna be fine,” he insisted.
“Jace—”
“Sawyer, you’re gonna be fine.”
 “Baby, look at me.” I urged him to meet my eyes. “I will keep fighting.
I promise. But we have to be prepared. You understand that, right?”
Hawkins’s eyes pooled, but he nodded anyway. “What kind of
preparation?”
“Some legal stuff is all. I have an appointment this morning with a
lawyer. You don’t have to come, but I’d love it if you could.”
His features softened. “I’ll be there. I promised last night that I will be
there for you no matter what. Just keep fighting.”
“And I assure you, I will,” I said. I grinned. “Wanna shower together?”
That question temporarily erased the worry from my husband’s face. “I
do. I always do.”

***

I was distracted the entire way to town. Hawkins had decided to join me at
my meeting with Mr. Harrington, the local attorney. “Remind me again why
you haven’t worn this in the bedroom?” I moved my finger up and down his
uniform, trying to lighten the somber mood in the car.
“I don’t know.” He quickly glanced at me. “Do you think you’d like it?”
he asked, a smile breaking on his face.
“There’s my husband smiling.”
He reached for my hand and placed it on his lap. “I’m sorry. I’m just…”
“I get it, Jace. But I’m still me. Sick, but I’m still me.” I didn’t want
Hawkins to treat me differently now that he was aware of my condition. I
didn’t want to spend any more time not living. “I’ll have bad days and good
days. And right now, I’m having a terrific day.”
“Got it.” Hawkins tilted his head to the side, not taking his eyes off the
road. He pursed his lips sideways for a kiss.
I leaned over and planted a wet and sloppy kiss on his lips that made
him chuckle. My fingers marched from his thigh up to his crotch. “What
about that road head?”
His eyes popped open and his wet mouth followed suit. “Really?”
“Well, not really, because we’re running late.”
“Cock tease,” he joked, and adjusted the tent in his pants.
Hawkins parked his patrol car in front of the building where Harrington
and Charles Law Offices were located, across the street from the sheriff’s
office. One of the perks of living in a small town was how close everything
was to each other. “What time is our appointment?” he asked.
Hearing Hawkins say “our” warmed my heart. Another reminder that he
was all in with me. He was holding up his end of the bargain; my part
would start next week when my treatment began. “Nine o’clock,” I said.
“We’re ten minutes early.”
Hawkins walked around the car and stood next to me, wrapping his arm
around my shoulder. “You could’ve given me that road head,” he whispered
in my ear, and I shivered.
“Oh darn.” I snapped my fingers before tapping his chest. “Next time,
Deputy.”
“Jace,” a familiar voice called.
Hawkins’s body tensed, and he slowly turned to find the voice’s source.
Kyle.
 Kyle looked left and right before crossing the road. “Sawyer,” he said,
wrapping me in an embrace. “Jace.” He acknowledged his son with a nod.
As always, the two men were involved in a staring duel. Kyle
surrendered first and returned his attention to me. “How are you?” he asked.
“I’m feeling okay,” I replied.
“Good…good,” he said, looking between me and Hawkins.
It took a second for me to realize that he was there to see how his son
was handling the news about my cancer. “Jace knows, Kyle.”
Kyle’s expression changed; it was the same look of grief as when I’d
told him I had cancer. “How are you handling it?” he asked Hawkins.
“I’m okay. Sawyer is the one who’s sick, not me.” Hawkins’s tone was
colder than ice. He glanced in my direction, and I subtly shook my head. He
sighed. “I’m handling it okay,” he added, more civil this time.
“What are you doing in Seward?” I asked.
“I was across the street having coffee, and I saw you two getting out of
the car. I thought I’d say hi.” I had a feeling that was an excuse. I doubted
he drove ninety minutes to have a cup of coffee. He was probably waiting
to see his son, making sure he was alright with the news. If there was one
person who knew how it felt to lose the love of his life from cancer, it was
him. “It looks like you too are doing well, yeah?”
“We are, Kyle. Thank you,” I said, rubbing his arm.
“We’re late for our appointment,” Hawkins announced.
“Oh shoot.” I glanced at my watch and noticed that we had a minute
before the start of our appointment. “I’m so sorry, we have to go.”
“It’s okay. You boys go,” he said, shooing us away.
Hawkins barely let his dad finish his words before he marched toward
the building’s revolving door.
 “Do you think we can have him over for dinner before I leave on
Saturday?” I asked when I reached him. “Please?” I was willing to play the
dying husband card if I had to.
“We will be leaving on Saturday,” he clarified.
“What?” When he said he’d be with me during treatment, I didn’t think
that meant right away. “What about work?”
“I’ll figure it out,” he said. “I am not leaving your side.”
“Thank you.” I kissed his cheek, noticing Kyle watching us out of the
corner of my eyes. “So, can we have him over before we leave?”
“Some things never change,” he said, shaking his head.
“So?”
Hawkins didn’t answer. Instead, he turned around and jogged toward
Kyle, who met him halfway. Hawkins said something to him and Kyle
nodded a couple of times before his face broke into a smile.
“See you on Saturday, Sawyer,” he yelled.
“See ya.” I waved. “Now we can go.” I yanked Hawkins’s arm and
headed for the building.
“You and your—”
“C’mon, we’re running late,” I said, not giving him a chance to lecture
me about being a bridge. We entered Mr. Harrington’s reception area. “My
name is Sawyer Montgomery and this is my husband, Jace Hawkins,” I said
to the man who was clearly awaiting our arrival.
“That’s why your name sounded familiar—you’re one of the deputies.
Please, call me Mark.” He shook our hands and led us into his office. “Have
a seat.”
We occupied the seats in front of his desk, a modern piece of steel and
glass. I studied the room; it was brimming with abstract art and geometric
statues. Aside from the shelves of leather-bound books and diplomas
hanging on the wall, this office could’ve easily passed for a contemporary
living room.
“As I mentioned over the phone, your will is very straightforward,” he
started, addressing both Hawkins and me. “All of your assets will go to
your husband in the event that you pass away.”
Hawkins’s jaw tightened and he balled his hands into a fist.
“It’s okay,” I said, placing my hand over one of them, soothing him.
“I know it’s hard to think about these kinds of things, but planning is
fundamental,” Mark said. “May I continue?”
“Please,” I answered.
Mark continued reciting the content of the will, pausing when we
reached the medical aspect of the document. “Do you need a DNR?”
Hawkins’s head whipped to mine at the mention of the Do Not
Resuscitate document.
“I don’t need one,” I said, and Hawkins released a shaky breath.
“Great. We don’t need this then.” He set the form behind him before
continuing. “You mentioned that you want to be cremated, and—”
Hawkins slid the metal chair backward abruptly, the screeching sound
almost piercing my eardrums. He walked to the door, yanked it open and
exited without a word.
“I get it. These are hard things to discuss,” Mark said compassionately.
I got up. “Excuse me, I’ll just be a moment.”
Hawkins was pacing the hall. He stopped when he saw me walking
toward him. He shook his head repeatedly and pinched the bridge of his
nose.
“Jace, sweetheart,” I called.
 “I’m sorry,” he said.
“No need to be sorry.”
“I just never thought I would be planning my husband’s funeral at
twenty-eight.”
My heart flooded with sadness seeing him fall apart, knowing once
again I was the reason why. How much more pain was I going to inflict
upon him? “You don’t have to be here.” My throat thickened, and I fought
the urge to cry.
“I wanna be here. I promise I’ll be strong. I just needed a minute.”
“Okay.” I held him tightly. “Okay.”

OceanofPDF.com
 Eighteen: Hawkins

Honeymoon

T he idea of having a last will and testament didn’t sound as bad when
Sawyer convinced me about the wisdom of planning. “In the event
that something happens to me during my treatment,” he’d said. But hearing
it spoken, especially the part about his funeral, opened old wounds caused
by Mom’s death.
“I didn’t mean to make a spectacle in there,” I said when we made it to
the car. “I wasn’t prepared to hear about the whole cremation shit.”
“I get it. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must’ve felt,” Sawyer
whispered. He’d been subdued since we left the attorney’s office, and I
wondered if he was as scared as I was or if he was having one of those bad
days he mentioned.
“Are you feeling okay?” I faced Sawyer, running my fingers through his
silky hair. The gesture was my subtle move to check his temperature. I had
no idea if cancer patients manifested their symptoms with the rise and dip
of body temperature, but my protectiveness forced me to find ways to take
care of Sawyer.
“I’m feeling tired all of a sudden,” he admitted.
 Mom said that a lot when she was battling her cancer. A wave of fear
played in my mind, but I tried my best to compartmentalize that Sawyer’s
cancer was different from Mom’s. “Let me walk to the office and ask them
if they can find someone to cover for me today,” I said.
“No, don’t do that,” Sawyer said. He grabbed my arm, stopping me
from getting out of the car.
“I wanna be there for you,” I insisted. I couldn’t bear the thought of him
being by himself.
“I’ll be fine, baby. Just drop me off at home so I can rest a little,” he
said. Home. Why does it sound better coming from him? He adjusted his
seat, leaning backward as he rubbed his head with his fingers.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m going to be fine. I promise.”
I eyed Sawyer for a moment before driving off.

***

“Baby, we’re home.” I brushed Sawyer’s lap lightly to wake him up. He’d
dozed off when we’d hit the road; it took me a while to realize I’d been
talking to myself.
“I didn’t even realize I’d fallen asleep.” He pulled the door handle three
times before he managed to get the door open.
I rushed to get out of the car, walking to his side to guide him out of his
seat. “Are you sure you’ll be okay? You don’t look good.” His face was
pale and his lips were drained of their usual color. His eyes lacked the
sparkle I had memorized years ago.
“Yes, nothing a nap won’t fix. I’ll be all perky by the time you get
home,” he said.
I could’ve lapped us ten times by the pace we walked from the car to
our door. I didn’t rush, even though I was a few minutes late for the second
shift I’d requested at the last minute. I would call them on my way there. I’d
never missed a day of work and had never been late, so I had a feeling they
wouldn’t give me a hard time today. I made a mental note to file for a leave
of absence to be with Sawyer for his treatment. “Where’s your phone?” I
asked.
He pulled it out of his back pocket, using his other hand to brace his
body with the frame of the door. “Here.” He handed me his cell, curiosity in
his tired gaze. “Why?”
“You don’t have my new number,” I said, tapping his screen to life. I
looked up when the screen asked for a passcode.
“Same code,” he said.
I keyed in 0814 to the keypad and a picture of us from our wedding
greeted me. Happy. Vibrant. So in love. I couldn’t believe we wasted three
years of our lives. I shook my head and focused on what I needed to do for
the love of my life. Now wasn’t the time to dwell on the past.
Sawyer was my focus.
I entered my number in his contacts and pressed save. “Call me if you
need anything. Whatever it is, just call, okay?” I placed his phone back in
his pocket.
“I will. Go on, Jace. You’re already late,” he said after unlocking the
door with the same code, the only code we used. “I love you.” Sawyer
kissed me goodbye.
“I love you too, Sawyer,” I said. It would take more work to get us to
where we were before, but I was optimistic we would get there again. The
past three years hadn’t changed how we felt about each other.
Reluctantly, I left.

***

“Hey, bro. You okay?” Stokes asked after we finished our response to a
minor car crash off Main Street. Since the damage was minute, we were out
of there in a heartbeat. “You’ve been quiet since we left the station.”
I fought off my initial reaction of shaking off his concern, then took a
long drag of air. Fuck. It was time to let others in. “I’m not okay, man.”
His brows furrowed, his brown eyes watching me intently. “What’s
going on?”
“Sawyer is very sick, that’s why he’s here.” I fought the urge to bawl
my eyes out, even though I knew he wouldn’t mind. I’d cried enough.
“Holy shit!” he exclaimed. “I’m so sorry, Hawkins. What’s wrong with
him?”
“Leukemia.” This conversation with Stokes reminded me of a favor I
needed to ask my friend. “I’m gonna be gone for a while. I need to take care
of Sawyer while he goes through his treatment next week.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Actually…” The downfall of living a loner’s life was I didn’t have a
lot of people I could go to in case of an emergency. But I had Stokes, my
one good friend. “Will you be able to watch my dogs until I have a long-
term plan?” Everything was happening at lightning speed and I hadn’t
thought about the logistics of what it meant leaving town. I didn’t even
know how long his treatment would last. If it was anything like Mom’s, it
could be years.
“Anything for you, man.” Stokes squeezed my shoulder. I believed him.
He’d taken a bullet for me once. “Whatever you need, I’m there.”
“Thank you, Nolan. You’re a great friend.” That was one of the few
times I’d used his first name.
“So are you, Jace. You’ll get through this.”

***

The car had barely stopped moving when I yanked the door open and made
a beeline for our home. Sawyer hadn’t called all day, and the responses I
received from texts were I’m okay or Feeling better. The television was on
when I entered. Sawyer was finagling with the remote control.
“Perfect timing,” he said. He stood and walked toward me.
I met him halfway for a kiss, wrapping my arms around his waist. I
nuzzled my face into his neck, inhaling the scent that was all Sawyer.
“What are we watching?”
“I found the DVD of our wedding. I don’t think we ever watched it, did
we?” he asked.
“I haven’t seen it.” He held my arm, transferring his weight onto mine. I
flopped my ass on the couch and pulled him closer to me. It was clear that
he was nowhere near the feeling better he’d claimed to be.
“Wanna watch it?” he asked.
I grabbed the remote from him and pressed play.
The video began with the string quartet version of ‘Somewhere Only
We Know,’ a song we both loved. Sawyer and I walked at the same time.
He’d done that on purpose; no one was giving me away since I didn’t invite
any family to our wedding. The only family I had left was an estranged
father, and he had been out of the picture.
“That was the best day of my life,” I said, laying down and resting my
head on Sawyer’s lap.
“Mine too,” he said. “Remember our honeymoon at that tacky motel,
and that cheap champagne?”
“Oh, I remember.” I chuckled. “There’s budget, and then there’s us.”
“I wouldn’t trade it for the world.” Sawyer caressed my arm at the
recollection of our first night together as husbands.

***

Seven Years Ago

“Well, it’s official. Any regrets?” I asked. Sawyer was uncorking a cheap
bottle of Brut that we purchased at the grocery store across the street from
the cheap motel we rented in the outskirts of San Diego. It was a nice
enough area and truly all that we could afford. It was our honeymoon suite,
so we both decided to pretend it was The Ritz.
 “Regrets?” He feigned shock. “Look at me holding this champagne. Do
I look like I have any regrets?” He pointed his pinky finger out like he was
royalty. “Keep me in fine wines and cakes and I will never leave you,
husband of mine.”
I curled my finger at him, asking him to join me on the deluxe double
bed of our honeymoon suite. “Your virginity bed awaits, my love.” I patted
the top of the faded comforter.
“You’ve mistaken me for another, my prince,” he said, barely keeping a
laugh in.
“Are you sure?” I teased. “You look innocent.”
“Shall I come hither and prove my questionable past?” We were
ridiculous, but that was the beauty of our relationship. We made each other
laugh.
Sawyer jumped on the bed beside me and pulled me on top of him.
“Someone is a bit tipsy,” I said.
“Not true,” he argued. “Someone is a bit horny, actually. I’ve never
made love with a married man.”
He was correct. “That’s a strange coincidence—neither have I,” I said,
nudging my chin deeper into his neck and making him squirm underneath
me. “Did the shower hand job count?”
“Did you come?” he inquired matter-of-factly. I shook my head
aggressively as he pushed me away to get a good look at my face. “I want
some of that extraordinary bubbly. I also want a massage, husband.”
“Only if you strip down naked. And I mean everything, Mr…” I paused.
“What are we going to call us?”
“Good question,” he said, followed by a shrug. “At least we have
forever to figure it out.”
 Forever. I loved the sound of that. “Now, back to stripping,” I reminded
him.
“If I must.” He pulled his T-shirt off while I yanked his boxers down.
“Where would you like me?”
“On your tummy.” I waggled my brows. “Legs spread.” Sawyer’s eyes
widened in faux shock and he rolled over immediately. “Your fave is coming
up.” He lifted his ass off the bed. “I knew you’d like that,” I added.
I stood and stepped out of my boxers and then leaned over the bed. I
laid my upper body on the bed while my knees were still on the floor. I
kissed my way up from his ankles to his knees and then gently spread his
thighs apart. “Mmmm, I’m hungry,” I moaned.
“You know this drives me crazy,” he said. “I’m ready.” He lifted his
amazing ass higher off the bed and handed me the bottle of lube.
“I’ll decide when you’re ready, love. Now, just relax and give your
husband what he wants.”
I made my way up his inner thigh, kissing and nibbling at his soft skin.
Sawyer had smooth tan legs and an ass that killed. I took my time because I
knew what was waiting a few inches away from my darting tongue.
“You are so bad, Jace.”
“And that’s exactly why you married me, Sawyer. Admit it.” Those were
my last words before I placed my mouth directly on his asshole and began
to gently swirl my tongue over it. He gyrated his hips and pushed against
my mouth.
“Fuck,” he moaned. “So good, baby.”
My hands came up and each one held an ass cheek, separating them. I
wanted a good view of his sweet spot. His round muscular ass tensed as I
darted my tongue in and out of his now-slick hole. After licking him
repeatedly, I pulled back and traced my fingers across his hole and down to
his hanging nuts. Grabbing his balls, I dove in again and tongue-fucked
him while massaging them. His dick was rock hard and he was struggling to
keep his ecstasy at bay.
“Make love to me, baby,” he begged. His head was turned sideways and
he was biting the inside of his arms in pleasure. “I can’t wait anymore.”
“Soon, baby. I’m not done doing my favorite thing.” I tested his pucker
with a finger to see if he was getting looser. I knew he loved it when I
tormented him with a probing finger or three. “That’s it,” I said, leaning in
again and licking him. My tongue slid into his relaxed hole and I felt my
cock throbbing. It wanted me to hurry along as well, but I was enjoying this
too much. “Fuck you’re tight, baby.”
“Jace, come on. I need to feel my husband inside me.” I loved hearing
him calling me his husband. How had I gotten so lucky? “Please?” he
asked again.
I readjusted to all fours above him, my dick hanging over his sweet spot,
and I reached for the lube. “You ready, baby?” I asked. I knew he was, but I
enjoyed the ride.
“I’m ready.”
We’d made love countless times, but that night was different. We were
joined with golden bands. We now had a license that stated we had a
lifetime of this ahead of us.
I slathered lube over my cock and placed some on his hole. In push-up
stance, I lowered my midsection down until the tip of my cock was knocking
on his door. Sawyer reached back and held his ass cheeks apart for me.
“That’s fucking hot, baby,” I whispered. I pressed my head against his
pucker and pushed in. I watched my cock fighting to get inside. A little more
effort and the swollen head broke through. I held it there for a moment and
let Sawyer adjust to my girth. Once he began to relax, I sank deeper and
deeper into him as he moaned from the expansion of his hole.
“Oh, yes,” he growled as I filled him up. “My husband knows how to
please his man.” I moved my hands to his and we intertwined our fingers as
I drove into him. My body weight relaxed onto his back and we became one
as our bodies synchronized and I made love to him from behind. I knew he
loved feeling his man lying on his back as he took every hard inch of me.
“Fuck, baby. You feel so good.” I pumped my cock into him and he
fucked me back. His face turned to me and I leaned to the side so our
mouths joined. We kissed tenderly, lost in a lovers’ dance. “I love you,” I
whispered in between breaths and kisses. “You make me so happy, Sawyer.”
And he did. I loved this man more than life, and making love to him was the
most incredible thing in the world.
Sawyer moved his ass with every thrust of my cock, receiving me as our
bodies melded as one. “Feels so nice, Jace. So nice…” His voice trailed off
as he relaxed under me, willing me to own him and his welcoming hole.
“Keep doing that,” he said as I ground my midsection into him, my cock
going deeper and deeper. “My dick is rubbing against the comforter and I
feel like I could come,” he exclaimed, his head rolling back and forth.
“Then come that way,” I said.
“Fuck me harder,” he pleaded. “Faster. Harder, baby.”
I got back up to a push-up stance and dipped my cock in him as far as I
could go, picking up my pace as he met each thrust with one of his own.
“Damn, baby. Your ass is amazing.” I picked up speed and pumped him
hard. “Fuck!” I yelled; the realization that I was moments away from filling
him up with my load had me on edge.
 He was grinding into the bed with every thrust and moaning
uncontrollably. “I am going to come like this,” he said. “It feels too good,
Jace. Too fucking good!”
I collapsed on him and kept thrusting my cock. “Any time you wanna
shoot, baby.”
“Oh fuck. You’re hitting the spot. Right there, Jace. Fuck it harder!
Yeah! Yeah! Right there! Do not stop, baby!”
I was very close, so I drove in as hard and deep as I could. Over and
over again I pumped while he moaned out of control as I hit his prostate.
“Fuck!” I yelled out. I was ready. I used my knees that were between his
legs to spread him even wider as I got ready to shoot.
“Yes!” Sawyer said and began to wildly buck his ass under me as he
unloaded onto the comforter. My orgasm was right after, and we worked our
loads out of our dicks until we were both spent. I collapsed onto his back.
Our sweaty bodies were stuck to each other as we exhaled heavily, gasping
for air in complete exhaustion.
“I think you lost your virginity,” I joked.
“Again?” he asked.
I rolled over and he scooted to my side, draping an arm over my chest.
“I love everything about you, Sawyer.”
“Good thing. You’re stuck with me forever,” he said, kissing me under
my chin. “There will be a lot more of that for you as an incentive.”
“Deal!” I said, wrapping my arms around him and falling in love all
over again.

OceanofPDF.com
 Nineteen: Sawyer

End of the Road

A nother day passed, and my stamina was nowhere near where it was
when I arrived in Alaska. I hadn’t left the bedroom since we turned
in early last night, and I wanted so bad to have another mind-blowing, toe-
curling lovemaking session with my husband, but no matter how hot my
desire burned, my body cooled the flame.
I sat up on the bed, attempting to get my day going, but doing a task as
simple as getting up was a chore. My vision blurred, followed by faintness;
it was as if my head was floating above my neck. Bracing my body with my
arms, I closed my eyes and breathed in and out slowly and deeply. There
was a slew of things I needed to accomplish before our dinner with
Hawkins’s dad tomorrow, and I had yet to check any items off my long list.
It was our first dinner with just the three of us and it had to be special.
A half-naked Hawkins came out of the closet, just a towel wrapped
around his waist. He was carrying a two-foot-by-two-foot brown box that
made his biceps flex. He placed the box in front of me.
“What is that?” I asked, flipping one of the folded sides open.
“Your clothes,” he answered, opening the box. “In case you want to
wear something from here.” He pulled garments out one at a time.
 “Why are they all flannel?” I asked as Hawkins removed four plaid
shirts in a row.
“We went through that lumberjack phase when we bought this place,
remember?” He chuckled. “We thought that was what all Alaskans wore.”
“Oh yeah.” I smiled at the memories. “Fun times.” I reached out to pick
up one of the shirts and held it in front of me. “I don’t think any of these
will fit me right now anyway,” I mumbled.
“What do you mean?” Hawkins asked, checking the size on the tag.
“I’ll drown in them.” I frowned. None of my clothes were fitting
properly anymore.
“I think you look great in anything.” Hawkins sat next me on the bed.
“You are the most beautiful man I’ve ever known. You’re a beautiful person
inside and out. I know you’ve lost some weight, but go easy on yourself. I
fell in love with all of you, not just your body. Besides,” a smirk crossed his
lips, “it’s been nice being able to toss you around a little.” He nipped at my
neck, his hands roaming down my chest, my abs, and down to my groin.
“Mmmm,” I moaned. Even though Hawkins’s touch ignited my desire
like any other time, I wasn’t sure my body would cooperate.
“Someone’s up,” he said, squeezing my hard-on with his hand.
I responded with an exploration of my own. “Looks like I’m not the
only one,” I said before his lips found mine.
Hawkins lay me down, peeling the towel off his waist and exposing his
cock already glistening with pre-cum. “You up for a little quicky?” He
pulled my underwear down to my knees before his mouth traveled down
my chest, flicking each nipple with his tongue.
Bzzzz.
 “Ignore that,” Hawkins said, and continued his worship of my body. His
lips made their way to my navel.
Bzzzz.
“Go away,” he grumbled. “I’m busy with my husband.”
A successive short buzzing came after two missed calls. “We should
check who that was,” I said, even though my cock protested.
“Ugh,” he whined and lifted himself off me. “It’s mine,” he said,
reading what I assumed was a text message. “Oh shit!” He got up and ran to
the dresser, pulling out a pair of black briefs. “I forgot that I’m supposed to
meet Stokes before my shift.”
I watched him get dressed in record time.
“Are you sure you’ll be okay by yourself?” he asked. He placed his gun
in his holster and checked himself in the mirror one last time.
“I’ll be fine. I need to make a list of things we need for tomorrow. I
can’t wait to have your dad over. It’s gonna be a lot of fun!” I enthused,
hoping my excitement would rub off on Hawkins.
He walked toward me, looking at me intently. Oh boy. I hope he’s not
changing his mind. He sat next to me and grabbed my hands. “I’m actually
looking forward to tomorrow’s dinner,” he said, surprising me.
“You are?”
He nodded, his eyes flashing a hint of sadness. “I’m beginning to
understand how devastated he must have been losing Mom.” Hawkins
paused at the mention of his mom and his desolation showed on his face.
“Losing the love of his life like that.”
I squeezed his hands tighter to let him know I understood.
“No one should lose their love so soon, and in that way.” He choked on
his words.
 “I’m here,” I assured him. Although I wished it didn’t have to be this
way, the possibility of losing me might go some way to repairing his
relationship with his dad. “I promise to keep fighting till the very end.”
That must have been what he was waiting to hear. He wrapped me up in
his arms and whispered in my ear, “Thank you.”
“You should tell your dad what you just told me.”
“I will,” he said. “Thank you for everything, Sawyer.”
I answered him with a kiss to the side of his head. “You’re gonna be
late,” I reminded him.
He got off the bed and kissed me one more time before heading out.
“Jace,” I called.
Hawkins stopped and looked back at me. “Yes, baby?”
“I love you so much. I want you to know that.”
“I love you too, Sawyer,” he said. “See you tonight, my love.”
“I’ll be here.”

***

I was in the middle of starting a grocery list when a drop of something

warm hit my bare feet. I looked down and found several droplets of blood
on my feet and the floor. Reflexively, I touched my nose, and saw fresh
blood on my fingers. I reached for the counter, pulled sheets of paper towel
from the holder, and then hobbled to the sink for cold water. I soaked the
paper towel before pressing it to my nose.
 Fifteen minutes and several cold compresses later, the bleeding finally
stopped. “Oh, what a mess,” I sighed, clocking the splatters all over the
kitchen floor. “Damn, it got my shirt.” I groaned, knowing it was one of the
last clean ones I’d packed. I guess I’m wearing flannel. I was on my way to
the bedroom when my cell rang.
“Hi, Mom,” I greeted.
“Hi, love. Let me put you on speaker. Dad is here too.”
“Hi, Sawyer. How are you? How’s Hawkins?” he asked.
“I’m okay.” There was no need to worry them. “Hawkins and I had the
talk.”
“What was that?” Mom asked.
“You’re breaking up, son,” Dad added.
Reception in our house had been spotty, so I walked outside, hoping to
have a better connection. “How about now?” I made my way toward the
water. I cursed myself for not grabbing a coat from behind the door; it was
cold. Spring in Alaska was unpredictable. The sunny skies from yesterday
were a complete contrast to today’s gray clouds threatening rain. I looked
back at the thirty-foot distance between me and our door, but with my
declining energy I didn’t go back.
“Better,” they said in unison.
“So, me and Hawkins had the talk and we’re trying to make things
work. He’s flying back with me,” I said.
“That’s good,” Dad said.
“You haven’t called us and we were starting to worry.” Mom’s voice
broke as she sniffled. “I can’t believe this is happening to you. You’re so
young. Talk to your dad for a second. I need to grab something.”
 “Okay, Mom,” I said. My mom was a crier, and I could only imagine
what she was going through. She doted on me when I’d broken my arm
playing basketball when I was fourteen, and she never left the hospital
when I was admitted for some kind of infection when I was sixteen. “How
is she hanging on?” I asked Dad.
“Not good, son. I don’t think I am either.” Dad paused, heavy breaths
filling the silence. “I wish it was me who had cancer.” A weeping sound
broke through, followed by a sob. I let him have his moment, waiting for
him to continue. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break down like that.”
“It’s okay, Dad. I don’t wish for anyone to have this. It’ll be alright.”
“We love you so much, and we’re upset because we don’t know how to
help you,” he said.
“You can help me by being strong for Mom, Dad. I know this is hard
and painful, but I’d feel so much better knowing that I can rely on your
strength.” My chest tightened, causing my breath to hitch.
“I will,” he said. “I will for both of you.”
My vision started to blur, and my teeth chattered. “I have to go, Mom
and Dad. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay, son, we love you,” they said before the call disconnected.
Warm droplets dripped down my chilled lips. I reached for my nose—
bleeding again. I struggled to walk; my body felt as though it was chained
to the ground. I squinted my eyes to gain focus. Rain began, mixed with a
light dusting of snow. My breathing became labored and I fought not to lose
consciousness. I attempted to call Hawkins, but my phone fell through my
fumbling fingers and landed on the ground with a thud. I didn’t dare bend
over to pick it up; I wasn’t sure I could stay on my feet. Oh lord.
 “Hey, Siri,” I croaked. My phone didn’t respond. “Hey, Siri,” I repeated
louder. Still nothing.
Heavier drops of icy rain pricked on my cold skin. My body swayed,
turning to lead, and I fell.
“Hey, Siri.” I choked the words out. I tried to move my arms to find the
phone, but my body ignored my commands. Where did my phone land? It
had to be somewhere nearby. I tried flexing my fingers but it wasn’t
working—I couldn’t grasp the phone even if I tried. I’m so cold. And with
the rain, my frail body might not be able to survive hypothermia. Hawkins
wouldn’t be home for another six hours. He couldn’t find me like this.
I stared at the clouds. This couldn’t be the end of the road for me.
“Hey, Siri.” Water filled my open mouth, and I coughed. Fear had
paralyzed my body.
I had no sense of time. I dozed in and out of consciousness. My body
was completely numb. “I don’t want to die,” I whispered to whoever might
be listening. “I’m not ready. Please, God, I need more time.”
My life flashed before me. My first memory of Christmas; the summer
when I had my braces removed; the skiing clinics where I met my best
friend, Isaac; the awkward high school days; the fun college years; meeting
Hawkins at the library; our first kiss; my parents’ silver anniversary when
they renewed their vows; our wedding; my medical school graduation;
finishing my training…all the memories flashed as if they were happening
all over again, only I was there watching them unfold.
“I don’t want to die alone.” I stared at the gray sky as it turned black.

***
It was bright, but it wasn’t blinding.
I was alone but not for long as the glow of green and blue kept me
company. “Hello,” I called into a light that seemed so familiar. My call was
answered with silence. I looked around but did not see a single person or
thing. There was no wind, no obvious temperature to tell me if it was
daytime or nightfall. There was only soft colors and endless beauty as far as
I could focus. Time didn’t seem to exist and I felt lighter than I’d ever been.
I was stronger and felt less pain, awake and more alive. My thoughts cut
through the deafening silence and I was more aware of my senses,
undisturbed by judgment and pain.
A feeling enveloped my entire body with what I could only describe as
comfort. Love. It felt like the love that only a mother could give. “I’ve been
waiting for you,” an unfamiliar voice said. An image of a woman I’d only
seen in photographs appeared in front of me encapsulated by an ethereal
glow.
I stared into the eyes of the woman, eyes that mirrored those of a man I
loved. “Ally?” I asked.
She smiled but did not answer. She held her hand for me to take, but
when I reached for it, hers disappeared into mine. Her touch absorbed all
my worries, regrets, and sorrow, replacing it with contentment and joy. She
led the way, guiding me along an unseen path.
“Do you miss them?” I asked. “Because they miss you so much,” I
added.
The apparition that I assumed was Ally, continued to glide ahead of me
as I willingly followed, but didn’t respond to my query. Her body appeared
to have folded into itself and instantly faced me. As strange as the
movement felt to me, I marveled at its beauty, not caring how the move was
accomplished. Her lips pulled into a smile.
“They stay with me,” she said. “Missing means something or someone
is gone. They never leave.” She placed her hand over her heart and I
watched as it sunk into her body. “My love for them remains eternal.
Nothing could ever change that,” she explained.
“But you’re gone,” I clarified.
“We’re never really gone,” she said. “That’s only how it feels to the
living.”
“What do you mean? Am I dead?” I asked. “Where are you taking me?”
“You’ll see,” she answered, even though I did not see her mouth move.
This can’t be real. Was I about to discover life’s greatest secret?
We crested a hill even though it felt like we hadn’t really moved. She
held my hand even though I couldn’t prove she was touching it. Nothing
here was as it seemed, and yet I was here alongside what I felt had to be
Hawkins’s mother. How else would she feel so familiar?
Suddenly I was on a high hill that overlooked a valley of blue and
green.
“There,” she said, pointing into the distance. “Everyone you love is
right there, Sawyer.”
“This can’t be,” I screamed in silence.
In an instant we were looking behind us and to a distant horizon. A star
was settling into an abyss of space and I felt a powerful love emanating
from it.
“There,” she repeated. “Everyone that loved you is right there.”
OceanofPDF.com
 Twenty: Hawkins

This Was Supposed to Be Our Do-Over

W hy hasn’t Sawyer replied to any of my messages? I ran through the

freezing rain to my car after picking up a bouquet of assorted
colorful flowers to recreate one of my favorite evenings together. The
bouquet was a far cry from the rustic ones he’d given me back then, and the
mason jar he’d displayed them in would be a crystal vase, but it was close
enough. Sawyer hadn’t been feeling well, and I figured bringing up a fond
memory would cheer him up a bit.
The car interior fogged up when I got in. I wiped the windshield with
my wet hand and hit the defrost button. While waiting for the warm air to
clear the moisture, I fished my phone from my pocket to check our text
chain in case I’d missed something. Nothing. He was probably resting after
busily planning tomorrow’s dinner with Dad. I hadn’t planned on admitting
to him that I was looking forward to spending time with Dad, but I wanted
to let Sawyer know that his efforts to bring us together weren’t wasted. We
wouldn’t have arrived at this point if it wasn’t for him.
I opened my notes app as the windshield and windows cleared, making
sure I had all I needed for my plans tonight.
Seafood paella. Check.
 Flowers. Check.
Cupcakes. Check.
Pistachio gelato. Check.
Desperate to hear from him, I called his number. Message bank. “Hey,
baby. I hope you’re feeling better and staying warm. I have a surprise for
you when I get home. Call me or text me. Love you.” I ended the call and
stared at my phone, waiting. After a couple of minutes and no response, I
started my car and made my way home to my husband.
The semi-frozen rain had been falling steadily all day, making the road
slushy. Although the temperature wasn’t low enough for the rain to turn into
full-on snow, it was still biting. I quickly glanced at my phone on the
dashboard. Still nothing from Sawyer. A seed of worry planted in my mind,
and my anxious thoughts began propagating it, but I shook it away,
concentrating on the road and the wonderful evening we were about to have
together instead.
The hair on the back of my neck stood when my car approached our
home. The door was wide open. He’s probably just grabbing something
outside and forgot to close the door, I told myself as I grabbed the bags and
vase from the passenger seat. I looked around but he wasn’t nearby. My
pack of huskies howled in greeting, and I acknowledged them with a
whistle.
Inside, the house was cold. Everything was in place, save for some
pieces of paper scattered on the floor and the curtains flapping in the
gusting wind. Embers were all that was left in the cast iron wood stove.
“Sawyer!” I called, beelining to the bedroom. Nothing. “Sawyer!” Not
in the bathroom either. My heart hammered in my chest, my nerves firing. I
jogged to the kitchen to see if he’d left a note. “Oh god,” I murmured. Dried
blood was splattered on the floor. The vase slipped through my hands and
shattered, its sound overshadowed by my own scream. “Sawyer!”
Extreme panic swept through me. Where are you, baby? Frantically, I
made my way outside. “Sawyer!” I yelled through the rain. I dashed to the
side of the house where the logs were kept, then the backyard. No sign of
him. “Sawyer!” My scream echoed through the cliffs. A sharp pain pierced
my throat, but I didn’t care.
I hurried back inside and grabbed an item of Sawyer’s clothes before
rushing to the dog pens. I unleashed all four of them and Topaz took off
toward the beach with the other three jumping to sniff Sawyer’s shirt. They
raced after Topaz and I sprinted behind them.
When I was halfway to the beach, I saw Sawyer on the ground. My
lungs were on fire as I pumped my arms to reach him. “Oh my god,
Sawyer,” I croaked. I lunged toward him, the sand breaking my fall when I
landed on my knees. His face was white; his lips were purple. I laid my
hand against his neck to feel for his pulse. “Come on, come on!” I pushed
my shaking fingers harder when I didn’t find it the first time. I leaned down
and pressed my ear against his chest, closing my eyes, searching for a
heartbeat. It was there. But it was faint. I scooped Sawyer’s body from the
wet ground and carried him into the house.
I laid him on the couch, and set about relighting the fire before
removing his soaked clothes, even his underwear. I wrapped his body in the
wool blanket from the back of the couch and rubbed my hands over his
arms through the blanket, trying desperately to warm him up. “Baby, wake
up.” I ran my hands across his forehead and cheeks. “Damn it.” His
temperature hadn’t changed. I needed to get him to the hospital. The closest
one was in Anchorage. It would take a couple of hours to get there by car
and I didn’t know if Sawyer could wait that long. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” This
was all my fault. I should’ve come home as soon as I was done. Then I
would’ve found him sooner.
With a shaking hand, I fished my phone out of my pocket, scrolled
through my contacts, and touched my dad’s name. I couldn’t remember the
last time I’d spoken to him on the phone. It was a dick move to call him
because I needed a favor, but my husband’s life was hanging by a thread
and I was out of options. I set aside the fear of being disappointed by him
again, like when I needed him the most when I was a teenager. It was the
main reason why I’d stayed as far away from him as possible all these
years.
He picked up straight away. “Jace?”
“Dad.” That was all I managed to say before anguish rendered me
speechless. My shoulders trembled, matching my hands. “Sawyer…” My
voice sounded different, each word echoing the horror I felt.
“What happened?” he blurted. “Is he okay?”
“He’s not,” I said. “I need you to fly us to Anchorage. Fast, Dad. I don’t
know what else to do.” I’d swallow all of my pride to get Sawyer to safety.
I’d crawl on my knees if I had to. I’d do anything to keep him alive—
including begging my dad. “Please.”
“I’ll be there,” Dad said.
I called the dispatch next to let them know we were coming. “Hey,
Maurice. Can you please let Providence St. Vincent in Anchorage know
we’re coming?”
“Of course, Deputy. What’s going on?”
“Severe hypothermia.”
“You got it.”
 Those were the last words I heard as I let the phone drop and cradled the
love of my life in my arms. “Wake up, baby,” I kept repeating, rocking our
bodies.
I didn’t know how much time had passed when Dad barged inside,
rushing toward us. My body was numb, past the point of pain, and I was
incapacitated by overwhelming fear. Dad had Sawyer in his arms before I
registered what was happening. “Come on, Jace,” he called. “Jace!”
I nodded and stumbled after him. It was dark out, but at least the rain
had stopped. I looked up at the partly cloudy sky and flickering stars, and
hoped my mom was watching over me, like she’d promised.
Dad loaded Sawyer in the back, laying him across the bench seat. He
fastened two seat belts—one on his legs and the other across his chest—to
secure him.
I looked for a place to sit in the four-passenger Piper bush plane.
“You’re sitting in front,” Dad said. “With me.”
“I need to be with Sawyer,” I said, holding his hand.
“You can’t sit on the floor, Jace. You can still see him from the front.”
I nodded. “Okay.” I’d been in many high-stress situations before and
had never once lost my composure. But right now, seeing the man I loved
struggling for his life, made me forget everything I’d learned. I couldn’t see
straight as I fumbled to buckle myself in. “Thank you,” I whispered,
reaching behind to touch Sawyer’s cold fingers.
“Anything for you.” Dad maneuvered the float plane to a clearing
before engaging the plane for takeoff. The plane shuddered, matching my
nerves, before it cleared the water and caught flight. “What happened?”
Dad asked once we were in the air.
 I looked down to the property; my dogs were howling at the plane and
running along the shore. “I don’t know. He wasn’t in the house when I got
home. There was blood on the floor, so I ran out and found him outside in
the cold. He must’ve passed out. I don’t know how long he was out there.”
I felt so helpless as I sat next to Dad. I stared out the tiny airplane
window, and the glowing sky caught my eyes; the faintest aurora lights
danced. Mom. I let myself drift away, and for a brief moment, everything
was alright—she was here. Then the fear crashed over me anew. Please,
Mom. Don’t let anyone take Sawyer away from me.

***

An ambulance flashing red was waiting by the dock when we landed. “How
did they know we were coming?” Dad asked, quickly unfastening my
seatbelt.
“I called ahead of time,” I answered. “Before I called you.”
He looked out his window, checking to make sure we were safely
against the dock.
“We’ll take it from here, Officer Hawkins,” one of the EMTs said after
reading the name on my chest. I’d forgotten that I was still wearing my
uniform.
“I’m going with you.” I held onto the gurney as they transferred
Sawyer.
“Do you know the patient?” he asked.
 “He’s my fucking husband,” I barked in frustration. “And I’m not going
anywhere without him.”
“Get in.” He motioned inside the ambulance and followed me in.
“Which hospital?” Dad asked from the rear of the rig.
“Providence St. Vincent,” one of the EMTs answered.
“I’ll meet you there, Jace. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” The back door
of the ambulance swung closed and he became smaller as we drove off.
I held Sawyer’s hand, bringing it to my lips. “You can’t leave me,
Sawyer. This was supposed to be our do-over. You promised me you’d
fight; I want you to start now. I need you to start now, baby.” Tears fell from
my eyes. I leaned forward, wedging my face into the crook of Sawyer’s
neck and collarbone.
An alarm rang out, and I looked up. The EMT picked up the receiver
attached to the interior wall, dialing. “His BP is dropping,” he said after
glancing at the monitor. “Ninety over forty. His temperature is at 94.8
degrees Fahrenheit. We’re eight minutes away.” He hung up the call and
glanced my way.
“Can we hurry up, please,” I begged.
He tapped the divider between us and the driver. “Let’s get there fast,”
he said to him.
We sped up; streaks of light were all I could see out the back window.
“Is my husband going to be okay?”
The EMT’s face softened. “I can’t answer your question,” he responded
with sympathy in his voice. “I’m sorry, man. But we’ll get him to the
hospital fast.”
 ***

A group of doctors and nurses met us by the emergency room entrance,

wearing teal linen lab coats with matching scrubs. They started attaching
tubes and wires from two different machines to his body. The EMT read
something to them while my grip on Sawyer’s hand tightened.
“He has leukemia,” I said, holding his face to see if he was any warmer.
“Dr. Peters from Oregon Health & Science University is his oncologist.” I
kept pace as they wheeled Sawyer inside. The pounding of our feet echoed
through the busy hallway. I was thankful that I remembered her name from
when Sawyer and I discussed his diagnosis. “Can you please give her a
call?”
“I’ll call them right now,” one of the nurses said before running to the
station.
“Coming through,” one of the female staff members yelled, and
everyone moved to the side, making way for us.
Dr. Shores, according to his badge, checked the reading on one of the
monitors attached to the gurney and the device on Sawyer’s index finger.
“We need to rewarm his blood. Let’s bring him to the dialysis unit,” he
ordered, and everyone sped up.
“What does that mean?” I asked. My whole body tingled; my neck felt
like it was being choked. “Isn’t dialysis for kidneys? Are his kidneys
failing?”
“We will use the same machine we use for dialysis to warm his blood.
It’s the fastest way to do it,” Dr. Shores explained.
 “Is he gonna be okay?”
“We’ll try our best, Mr. Hawkins,” he said. “This is as far as you can
go.”
I shook my head. “I need to be with him. I need to be with my
husband.”
“We can’t let you back there.” Dr. Shores pointed through an automatic
glass door. “But I promise to have someone give you an update every step
of the way.”
“What if he wakes up and I’m not there?”
“We’ll get you. I promise,” he said, before they rolled Sawyer through
the door and disappeared into a room.

***

Hours had passed and they still had Sawyer hooked to a hemodialysis
machine. Dr. Shores had kept his promise, and I had three different staff
members updating me with his condition, but it didn’t make me any less
afraid. I hated hospitals. It was a place that brought me so much grief, and I
couldn’t believe I was back here fifteen years later, feeling the worst terror
I’d ever experienced.
The door opened and out came Dr. Shores. I tried to read his expression,
hoping for positive signs, but his face was stoic. “We’re taking Sawyer to
the Intensive Care Unit,” he said.
“Why?”
 “There’s a couple of things going on with Sawyer. His leukemia has
progressed and the cancer is a lot worse than I’d anticipated, making his
body very frail. And then factor in the severe hypothermia—”
“He’s gonna be okay though, right?” I interrupted.
“We’re doing our best.”
“But…what does that mean?”

OceanofPDF.com
 Twenty-One: Mr. Kyle Hawkins

When Will My Son Stop Hurting?

I t took a couple of hours before I managed to get to the hospital to be

with my son, Jace. All car rental places were closed, and I had to call a
buddy in the middle of the night to drive me. “Thank you, Phil, for bringing
me here. I’m sorry again for interrupting your night,” I said as I got out of
his truck.
“Don’t worry about it. I’m glad you called,” Phil said. “I hope Sawyer is
fine. Send my regards to your son.”
“I will. Thanks again.” I watched his truck drive off until he cornered
the street, then looked up at the six-story building, the red-cross light
bathing me in a scarlet radiance. My heart squeezed and my legs grew
heavier. This was the last place I’d seen Ally alive. I closed my eyes and
took a deep breath, summoning my strength. Jace needs me.
Screams of agony from fifteen years ago echoed through the hallway as
I made my way inside. Every step brought to the surface Ally’s diagnosis
and the failed treatment. I failed Jace as a father after his mom died. I was
heartbroken, forgetting he was hurting too, but it had been too late by the
time I committed to getting help. He’d moved to California for college and
became the man Ally and I had always hoped he’d be. I watched him from
afar, attending his college graduation in the dark because he never wanted
me to be there. There was a cloud of sadness that hovered around him since
her death, and it grew darker every time he was taken away from me by the
sheriff and social workers. And then he met Sawyer. Sawyer was the
sunshine to his storm, and I was scared beyond belief that he would be
taken away from him too.
I stopped in front of the hospital chapel. I’d never been religious in my
life, but the hopelessness tightening my chest had me walking into the
empty room. The smell of fresh flowers welcomed me in. Several candles
were lit in front of a small wooden cross. I occupied the middle pew; it
shifted with my weight when I sat down. I looked up to the cross and
brought my hands together—that seemed to be what people did when they
spoke to God.
“How much more will you let my Jace suffer?” I whispered. “When will
my son stop hurting?” I knew very well how it felt losing the love of my
life; I never recovered from it. I had made bad decisions just to get me
through another day without hurting, to the detriment of my relationship
with my only son. The only family I had left.
“Please don’t take Sawyer away from him. Please don’t tear them
apart.” It was as if someone squeezed my heart when I fought the sob
inside. “He is so young and has so much more to live for. If you’re really
out there, if you’re truly listening, please don’t take him away from us.”
I bowed my head and let the tears fall to my hands, taking long, heavy
breaths, before getting myself together to be the strength Jace needed. I
wasn’t able to be the stability he needed when Ally died, but I could be
there for him now. I owed him that.
 ***

Sadly, I remembered this place like it was yesterday that I’d last set foot in
the building. I made my way to the reception area. A female staff member
behind the counter greeted me. “Good evening, sir, how can we help you?”
“I’m with Sawyer Montgomery and Jace Hawkins. Sawyer was brought
to the ER a couple of hours ago,” I said.
“Let’s check where he is.” She brought her attention to the computer,
typing on her keyboard. “Oh, they’re right around the corner.” She pointed
to her left. “Follow the hallway then turn to your first right.”
“Thank you.”
Jace was in a discussion with someone wearing teal scrubs when I
found him. His whole body was tense. He combed his hair with his hand.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
The man extended his hand to me before introducing himself. “My
name is Dr. Shores, and you are…”
“This is my father,” Jace answered. Father. The word was like a balm to
my wounds. “They’re taking Sawyer to the ICU,” Jace added.
“Is Sawyer going to be okay?” I asked Dr. Shores.
“We don’t know yet, but we are trying our very best. I have to go, but
you can see him once he is in the ICU.”
Jace and I nodded.
“It’s on the third floor where the—”
“Cancer unit is. I know.” I gave Dr. Shores a nod. “Thank you, Doc.” I
guided Jace to the seating area when Dr. Shores left. “Why don’t we get you
something to eat?”
Jace shook his head. “I’m not hungry.”
“How about water?”
He answered with another weak shake of his head. “I don’t want
anything. I need Sawyer.”
“I know, Jace, but Sawyer is not going to want you to do this to
yourself. How about I get us a cup of coffee?”
He nodded.
“I’ll be back,” I said, and headed to the cafeteria.

***

Jace was in the same position when I returned; the sight broke my fractured
heart. I handed him a cup of black coffee and he took a sip.
“I’m scared, Dad,” he said. His shoulders heaved and I rubbed his back
to soothe him. “I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know if I could survive it.”
“Let’s not go there, Jace. Sawyer is a fighter. He’s going to keep
fighting.” That claim was baseless, since I knew very little about my son-in-
law. What I did know was he loved my son, and love fueled the fire to urge
you to keep fighting.
“I understand now,” Jace said. “I get why you relied on alcohol to numb
the pain of losing Mom.”
“I’m so sorry about that, Jace,” I whispered.
“Please let me finish, Dad.” He raised his hand and met my eyes. “I
forgive you. You don’t have to keep saying you’re sorry. It broke me when
she died. I was just a kid. But she was the love of your life. How did you do
it?” Jace broke down, his anguish cutting through the silence in the waiting
room. A couple of people stood and left the room, perhaps to give us some
privacy.
“Do what, Jace?” I asked.
“Get over the pain,” he answered. “When did it stop hurting?”
I had to think about how to answer, but in the end, I decided to be
honest with him. “I never got over her death,” I admitted. “It still hurts to
this day.”
Jace placed his cup on the table before wrapping me in his arms.
I hugged him back, tighter. Ally’s death still hurt, the pain still haunted
me, but having my arms around my son somewhat eased the dull ache in
my heart. Even if it was just temporary.
“I’m so sorry,” he said. “I love you, Dad.”
“I love you too, son. We’ll get through this.”
We waited in welcomed silence until it was time to head up to see
Sawyer.
People in scrubs flashed past as the elevator doors opened to the cancer
unit where the ICU was located. I didn’t want to admit it, but I guessed
where the scrubs were headed, and it appeared that Jace did too. We looked
at each other, his eyes wide with fear, and then he was gone before I was
able to speak.
I followed him. Chaos ensued around us. Calls from the loud overhead
pagers, shoes pounding on the floor, machines beeping, but all I could hear
was the gushing of blood in my ears.
“Sawyer!” Hawkins screamed. He was being pulled out of the room by
two security personnel. “Get the fuck off me! Sawyer!”
 I peeked inside. Sawyer’s heartbeat had flatlined. Doctors and nurses
were on a mission to revive him.
“Clear!” the doctor said, and stunned Sawyer with paddles; his chest
bounced as they did.
“Wake up, Sawyer!” Jace attempted to force himself between the guards
but they were too strong. “You said you’d fight. Don’t leave me!”
“What happened to him?” I asked one of the nurses entering the room
with a metal tray containing syringes and small bottles of medication.
“Cardiac arrest,” she said. She placed the tray on the side table and used
a syringe to draw medication from the tiny vial before injecting it into a
tube attached to Sawyer.
I rushed to Jace and wrapped my arms around his chest, pulling him
into my body.
“Clear!” the doctor yelled again. Sawyer’s chest rose and fell.
Jace and I looked at the beeping monitor for any signs of life.
Nothing.
“No!” Jace wailed.
My grip on him tightened, hoping to shoulder some of his pain. Come
on, Sawyer. Stay with us.

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 Twenty-Two: Hawkins

The Battles We Surrender

Two Years Later

F ollowing every sunset was the promise of a new day, a chance to do it

all over again, perhaps this time better. Fortified by my experiences, I
was wiser. Armored with strength born out of my calluses, I was bolder. I’d
faltered along the way, but I survived because of it. I was bruised and
battered, but I was alive.
I looked up to the sky to see a glimpse of the auroras that guided me
when I was lost. Its glow was brighter than it had ever been. It was double
the energy, twice the lux. I returned my gaze back to the water. The tide was
turning and I could no longer see the sand. It was this time two years ago
when the love of my life came back to me. He battled in a war I was acutely
familiar with, and, just like Mom, he fought hard. For him. For me. For us.
I played with the golden band on my finger and closed my eyes, feeling
the cool breeze on my face, filling my lungs with fresh air.
“The dogs are loaded,” Dad said, bringing me out of my musing.
I glanced behind him. Topaz and the rest of the pack sat in the bed of his
truck inside their individual pens. “Thanks for doing this, Dad.”
 “Of course, son,” he said, patting my shoulder. “I’ll check on the house
twice a week to make sure all is well. I don’t want you to worry about
anything.”
I nodded. My relationship with my dad had improved since that awful
night two years ago when we shared a pain beyond comprehension. We’d
been there for each other these past years, and I’d relied on his strength
when I thought I couldn’t go on.
“Hey,” he called. “Are you okay?” There was concern in his voice.
“I am, Dad. I’m nervous is all,” I admitted. “Good nervous though.”
“You’re gonna be great, I have no doubt.” He closed the gap between us
and wrapped me in his arms. “I’m so proud of the man you’ve become,” he
whispered in my ear.
“Thank you.” I clapped his back before he let go of me.
“It’s amazing what difference a couple of years make,” I said,
reminiscing. I was a different version of the man from two years ago. I
didn’t know how I made it here, but I was glad I had.
Dad nodded. “Sometimes time is on your side. It makes you forget,” he
said, looking up at the dark sky. “It makes you better.”
“I’m so proud of you, Dad,” I said. He’d been sober for a very long time
and once told me that I gave him the strength and the willpower to stay
clean, even when we were apart. “And thank you for not giving up on
trying to get through to me,” I added
“I think we both have the same person to thank.”
I nodded because he was right. Sawyer never gave up on bridging the
gap between Dad and me.
We let stillness settle between us, glancing at the beautiful Alaskan sky.
 “What are you both doing in the dark?” Sawyer asked. He snaked his
arm around my waist, kissing me on my cheek.
“Visiting with Mom,” I said, kissing the side of his head and pointing to
the sky. Sawyer’s hair was back after six months of chemo and
immunotherapy. The experimental treatment he’d had was a success, and
we found out that his cancer was in remission last year. He was one of the
fortunate ten percent who survived the kind of leukemia he had. He had
kept his end of the bargain and had fought like nothing I’d ever seen. His
bravery and strength guided me when I was too weak to move on. “Have I
told you how much I like your hair this short?” I asked.
Sawyer snickered. “You said the same thing when I had longer hair and
then when I lost all of my hair. I had a feeling that you would say the same
thing if my hair were blue or green,” he said.
That earned us chuckles from dad.
“Oh, Dad! Don’t even. You were the same with Mom,” I said. Mom and
Dad were good together. He had always made her feel beautiful. Cherished.
“Guilty,” he said, laughing while raising his hands up in the air. Dad
seemed younger somehow. The blanket of anguish that had wrapped around
him for years was gone and he was more vibrant. “Oh, Sawyer, I gave your
name to one of my friends. He’s looking for someone to manage his son’s
care,” Dad said.
Sawyer quit his job in Oregon and moved his practice to Alaska six
months ago. “I wanna be with you for the rest of my life,” he’d said when I
asked him if that’s what he wanted to do, because truthfully, I would have
moved anywhere to be with him. He also said there were very limited
resources up here for kids, so he could make a bigger impact in the lives of
his new patients.
 “That’s great. Thanks, Dad,” Sawyer said. “I can’t believe I’m taking
another extended time off.” I knew Dad loved it when his son-in-law called
him “Dad.”
“How do you feel about that?” I asked.
“I feel great.” He looked at me like I was the king of his world. “We’re
going to be dads. It can’t get any better than that.”
Sawyer and I started the adoption process last year, after he was cleared
by his doctor. We’d talked about it during his treatment, but we wanted to
wait until he was better. The greatest news came when we received a phone
call six months ago that a mother had picked us. We’d both cried out of joy,
but we’d kept it to ourselves until a week ago when the baby was born. We
didn’t want to jinx anything.
Dad was over the moon when we told him, and he bought a house ten
minutes from us to be close to his granddaughter.
“Have you told your dad?” Sawyer asked, grinning.
“Told me what?” Dad asked, his eyes bouncing between Sawyer and
me.
My husband and I swapped glances and smiled.
“What’s going on, boys?” he asked.
“You tell him.” I stood behind Sawyer and wrapped my arms around his
waist.
“We would like to name our baby girl Ally,” Sawyer announced.
Dad welled and choked, lifting his hands over his chest before
embracing Sawyer and me. “Thank you,” he said between tears. We’d had a
sea of tears these past few years, but this was one of the few times they
were brought on by happiness. I had a feeling more would follow. “She
would have been so happy,” he added.
 It appeared that she was, hence the more vibrant display of the auroras
lighting up the sky.
“Okay. No more crying,” Dad said, wiping his tears away. “I better get
going. Have a safe trip, call if you need anything.” He hugged us one last
time before heading to his car.
Sawyer and I waved until he was out of sight.
I intertwined our joined hands as we made our way to our home. “No
regrets moving up here?” I asked him. Sawyer and I went back and forth
about where we should spend our lives with our growing family. I argued
that maybe living closer to a city would be better for his career, and he’d
argued that living out here would be better for our family.
What was best for our family. Those were the battles we were willing to
surrender.

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 Bonus Chapter: Sawyer

Arrest Me, Officer

I stepped out of the shower, feeling a bit horny. Knowing that Hawkins
would be home soon, and knowing he was always up for some love
when I instigated it, I’d hurried with my shower hoping to intercept him
before he relaxed after he returned from work.
“Baby! Your man is home,” he hollered from the other room. I heard the
door slam and waited for the familiar sound of his garrison belt hitting the
counter top.
“I suggest you bring that to the bedroom,” I yelled back. “I wanna show
you something.”
“My belt?” His footsteps reverberated down the hallway. He had his
uniform boots on; they were heavy, steel-toed, and extremely loud. He
walked into the bedroom and found me naked with a half-mast erection. His
brow scrunched up while a suspicious grin spread across his face. “What’s
all this, mister?” he asked, quickly cozying up to me and cupping my balls.
“Water’s running in the shower for you. Hurry up if you want me to tell
you.”
He tossed his belt and the gun onto the bed. “That’s loaded, baby. Don’t
touch it.”
 “I know. It’s not the gun I’m interested in touching anyway. Get your
sexy ass into the shower,” I said, pushing him gently to the bathroom. “Hey,
wait up.” I decided he might need a little incentive, so I wrapped my naked
body around him in his full regalia and ground my erection into him as he
played grab ass with my bare cheeks. “Lemme help you, Deputy,” I
whispered. I unbuttoned his uniform top and waited as he removed his
bulletproof vest. “Gee, Officer. This all looks so official. Am I in trouble?”
“Okay, Sawyer. What’s up?” he asked, eyes questioning
“Like I said, shower and then you’ll see.” I released the metal snap on
his police-issued pants and unzipped him. He may have been playing coy,
but his cock spoke differently. He stepped out of them and walked to the
bathroom with only boxers on. “Hot,” I muttered.
Hawkins turned around and looked at me. “This better be good,” he said
as he pushed his boxers down and his erection fell out. Things were
swelling and getting thicker.
It was on.
While he was in the shower, I put his garrison belt in the closet but
removed his cuffs. Those were now on the center of the bed and hidden
behind me when he came out of the bathroom. His cock was soft again but I
knew it wouldn’t be for long.
“So…” he asked, staring at me, no doubt wondering why I had a face
that suggested I’d eaten the canary. “Out with it.”
I placed my hands behind my back and grabbed the cuffs securely and
laid back on top of them. “I may have broken the law today, Officer
Hawkins. And I may need to be reprimanded or interrogated, whatever
those fancy things you do are.”
 “What’s behind your back, Sawyer?” He looked for his belt. “Where’s
the gun?” I motioned my head toward the closet. Hawkins opened the closet
door and checked his belt. “Where are the…?”
Before he finished, I’d rolled over and held the cuffs behind my back.
My bare ass was exposed. “I’ve been extremely bad, Officer.” I wiggled my
hands and the cuffs at him.
“Did you put those on? What if I didn’t have the key, silly?”
“I don’t know, Officer. Don’t you always have the key?” I whimpered.
“I mean, well… I am kinda exposed here, and was hoping to pay for my
offenses—or not. Up to you, I guess.” I spread my legs wide and arched my
ass up, my handcuffed hands resting above my ass cheeks.
“You’re sure?” he asked firmly. “I don’t want any whiny excuses once I
read you your non-rights. And remember, I am a sworn officer of the state. I
cannot play favorites or go lightly on you. Is that clear?” Hawkins had
finally joined the roleplay party.
“Don’t try to have your way with me, sir. I’m helpless here, if you
wanted to fuck me or something like that.”
“Shut it, lawbreaker! You will speak when I ask you a question and not
before. Do you understand?”
I nodded, but that wasn’t compliant enough for my hot law-enforcing
hubby. “I can’t hear you, criminal!”
“Yes, sir. Are you going to let me go, Officer?” I faux whined. “I feel so
vulnerable right now.”
Hawkins moved to the foot of the bed and placed his knees between my
feet, widening my legs apart. “Mmmm? That’s a nice ass you’re sporting.
Perhaps there is something you could do in lieu of me taking you in and
booking you.”
 “Will it hurt?” I asked. “I don’t want to be punished too hard.”
“You tell me,” he growled as his face lowered and he stuck his tongue
directly into my asshole. He ground his face between my cheeks and
tongue-fucked me good. His hands spread my cheeks apart and he dragged
his finger over my hole, testing my resistance. “Perhaps we can work out a
deal,” he said before going back to my asshole and licking me aggressively.
“This is a fucking hot piece of ass.”
“Will you let me go if I allow you to do whatever you want with me?” I
asked innocently.
He grunted unintelligibly and pressed his finger against my hole. He
pushed in as I pushed up. “Seems to me you’re a bit too willing. Are you
sure this is punishment?” he asked. His voice was rough and held a snarl,
the words like gravel in his throat.
“I’ve never done this, Officer. I don’t want to go to jail, so I guess I
better let you do what you think is best.” His finger slid into my hungry
hole and I let out a rehearsed moan. “Oh my goodness. I’m not sure,” I
protested, trying hard to stay in character and not laugh at my obvious lie.
“I’m going to stick my cock in your ass, punk. I don’t want any backtalk
either. You got me?” he growled. “Ask for my dick or else you’re in trouble.
Beg me to fuck this sweet hole.”
“Please, Officer. I want you to fuck me so I can stay out of jail. Please,
sir.” I was getting hotter than hell as Hawkins worked his finger in my ass
and bit my butt cheeks. “I think I’ve been so bad that you’ll have to really
make me pay for my crimes.”
I heard the top of the small bottle of lube we kept under the bed pop
open. “You recognize that sound, boy? I’m giving you a heads-up now. You
still wanna pay for your crimes this way?”
 “Yes, sir.”
“Good answer.” He was quiet behind me and my body tensed in
anticipation, but Hawkins was purposely keeping me on edge with his
silence. A minute passed, and his hand slid underneath me until he felt my
hard dick pressed into the bedspread. “Looky here. Seems our criminal has
a hard-on. I suppose you’re turned on by the big bad cop, huh, punk?”
I listed my ass off the bed a tad higher and waited. Hawkins stood and
lubed up his dick. “Look at me, boy.” I turned and saw him stroking his
cock back and forth as he watched me carefully. “You want this?” he
rumbled. I nodded and kept my eyes on his dick. “It’s your call, boy. Don’t
say I didn’t warn you.”
Hawkins leaned over the bed and grabbed the cuffs that held my wrists
in them. “Please let me go, Officer,” I said, arching my ass up as high as it
would go. “I’ll behave. I promise I will.”
“Too late!” Hawkins lifted himself over me. He kept one hand on the
bed to support himself and the other aimed his cock at my entrance.
“Fucking hot, boy. Nice and round and tight. Open that hole for me.”
His voice was serious; he was fully into my scene. This shit was better
than anything we’d done on the fly before. Why I’d waited for cop and cuff
play was beyond me. This was exactly what we needed to add to our vast
repertoire of sexual activities.
“Be a good boy and open wide,” he moaned as he pushed the head of
his dick past my resistance and sunk deep into my waiting ass.
Once he was in and began pumping in and out, he laid all his weight on
me and kept my hands firmly in one of his, making me acutely aware of his
power over me. “What are you doing to me, Officer?”
 “I’m fucking this sweet ass, punk. Keep that ass open for me and you
might get off. And if you’re very good, we’ll both get off.” Hawkins
laughed menacingly at his own joke. “You like this shit, don’t you? You
tricked me into fucking you. Isn’t that right, you criminal?”
“Yes, sir. I hoped you’d give it to me hard, sir.”
He took the thinly veiled hint and drove his dick hard into me and held
it as deep as he could. He shoved my hands up higher on my back. Thank
god I trusted this man, because he had me in a precarious position and could
have really hurt me. But it felt so fucking hot, and the discomfort was the
exact right amount. My cock was solid and rubbing against the bed. My ass
met every thrust of his, and the scene had obviously got him going because
he was slamming into me and breathing hard as he thrust over and over.
Abruptly, he pulled his dick out and stood up. He reached for and
secured my forearms. “Stand up, boy,” he ordered. He helped me up, my
hands still cuffed behind my back, and turned me around. “Look at that
cock. You turned on by this?” he asked, looking disgusted with me. “I bet
you hate having your cock sucked, don’t you?”
“Yes, sir. I really hate it a lot. Please don’t suck it,” I said, loving the
redirection of my scene.
Hawkins dropped to his knees and grabbed my cock, holding it an inch
from his mouth. “Too bad.” He took my cock to the base and held it in his
mouth as he squeezed my balls the perfect amount to elicit a slight moan
from me. “You’re not telling the truth, boy, are you? You love your cock
sucked. Admit it.”
“No, I don’t,” I lied. “Stop!” This shit was getting wild and I was horny
as fuck. Hawkins had completely slid into the role and was enjoying our
cop vs. victim banter. This was definitely not going to be the last scenario I
cooked up with my husband. That was a fact.
He sucked me and slathered my balls with saliva, squeezing and rolling
them in his hands as he took me down his throat and tightened his throat
muscles around my dick. I was so close to shooting as I was forced to stand
there, hands cuffed behind my back, while he controlled me. Giving control
to someone else, even if it was my husband, was a new experience that I
hadn’t realized was so goddamned hot.
Hawkins came off my cock and stood up. He took the four steps to the
closet and searched for the cuff key. “Where is it, boy?” I glanced to the
dresser top and the key that I had placed there. He moved to get it and came
back and turned me around. “Let me take these off,” he huffed.
“Are we done, Officer? Am I free to go?” I asked. I sure as hell hoped
not, so I kept the charade up. No way I was slipping out of character.
“You wish!” He unlocked my cuffs and freed me. “Give me those
hands.” I did as he told me and he re-cuffed my wrists and shoved me back
onto the bed. “We aren’t done. You don’t get off until I get off. You get
me?”
I sat on the edge of the bed, my cuffed hands on my naked lap. Hawkins
squatted at my feet and grabbed my ankles, lifting them up as I fell back on
the bed. “Now you’ll get to pay for your crimes.”
He had me weak with desire; my head was exploding over the role he
was playing with me. This whole cop thing had me harder than I think I’d
ever been. All these years and I hadn’t suggested this before. Was I nuts?
He placed my ankles on his shoulders and stepped forward, forcing my
knees into my chest. He then reached for the cuffs and held my bound
hands in one of his. “You ready?” His eyes were serious and he had me
wondering where my husband had gone.
“Yes, sir. If you must,” I said in a weak voice of acquiescence.
Hawkins lined his cock up and pushed into my asshole, keeping my
cuffed wrists in his grip. He was in charge, he was the one making the
decisions. I felt completely helpless and in his power. And I loved every
single second of it.
My eyes rolled into the back of my head as he thrusted across my
prostate. I was lost and at his mercy.
“Open your eyes. You need to watch me as I fuck you for your crimes.”
My eyes popped open as my ass clamped down harder on him, milking him
dry. He stared directly into my eyes. I watched as he examined my face, my
expressions, and how I was handling the entire scene. His power was on full
display and I felt like the benefactor, not the victim.
“You can touch your dick, punk, but I’ll tell you when you can jack off.
You understand me?”
I nodded.
“I said, do you understand me?”
For a second, I’d shockingly forgotten my place in this creation of mine.
“Yes, sir. Not until you tell me.”
“Good boy.” He grinned wildly and pulled on the cuffs to remind me he
was still the boss. “Fuck, you’re tight. You lay there and cooperate while I
fuck this pretty little ass of yours.” I moved my hand across my cock. “Let
go,” he growled. “Did I give you permission?”
“No, sir.”
“That’s right, punk,” he said, and lifted my legs from his shoulders and
spread them wide. “Look at my cock going in and out of your ass. I told
you you’d pay for your offenses.”
“Yes, sir. You did.” I knew my role now and kept my eyes locked on
him as he fucked my ass harder and harder. I knew my man well enough to
know when he was close, but I also had his orders to leave my dick alone.
I reached for it again and he slapped my hand away. “What did I say?”
he bellowed. “I’m not done yet.” If I wasn’t beyond the point of wanting to
blow, I sure as hell was now.
“Please, sir,” I begged. He ignored me and grabbed my cock. “What are
you doing?” I asked.
“You lay there and think about your crime. I’m in charge of this cock.”
Hawkins stroked my cock with one hand while the other held both of
my ankles in his hand and lifted my ass off the bed as he drilled into me. I
knew he was strong, but even this act was incredible. I decided to lay my
head back and let him take complete control. I’d follow his rules and I’d
reap the benefits. I watched as he focused on my cock and asshole, moving
his eyes from one to the other. I recognized his timing and knew he was
moments from shooting. His grip on my cock was tight as he fisted me in
time with his thrusts.
“Oh, fuck,” I moaned.
“You’re not supposed to like this, boy.”
“I’m sorry, Officer. You are too good and so strong, sir.”
“Yeah? Well get ready, boy, because Officer Hawkins is about to fill
your ass up.”
We watched each other as we were about to meet in one giant orgasmic
rush. We were still in character, even though I think we both knew the end
was near. I could keep the ruse going if he could.
 “Holy fuck,” he cried. He stroked me harder as my hips lifted off the
bed. I decided I was done being obedient.
“Fuck it, cop! Fuck my ass,” I growled through gritted teeth.
“That’s right. I knew it. You wanted my load all along, boy.” His thrusts
were rapid fire now, and I was a second from shooting. “Oh yeah. Fuck
yeah, boy. Get ready. Fuuucckkk,” he bellowed, and held his cock deep in
me as he unloaded his pleasure into my ass.
I immediately followed and came so hard I thought I might pass out.
“God dammit…shit,” I moaned. My load had blasted onto my stomach and
I felt a wave of orgasmic pleasure continue to rifle through me.
I went limp. Hawkins stood still, looking at me. Both of us slowly
began to crack smiles before we busted out laughing.
“Jesus, baby. I’ll be home at the same time tomorrow, by the way,” he
said, laughing and wiping sweat off his brow. “Wow! Just fucking wow!”
I pulled him onto me, forgetting I couldn’t wrap my arms around his
back. Instead he lifted my arms up for me and slid under them. He snuggled
against my neck.
“Am I still under arrest?” I asked.
“I think you just got a life sentence.”

The End

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OceanofPDF.com
 About the Author
Garry Michael- LGBTQIA+ Seattlelite author who loves to write men who
love men. His background in Medicine and Academics are evident in his
books. When he’s not working and writing, you’ll find him playing tennis,
surfing and skiing. He loves connecting with his readers as much as
possible
Follow him on Instragram @author_garry_michael to learn more about
his current projects.

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Also by Garry Michael

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From the Ashes: A Complete Series
This collection includes six additional bonus chapters and 3 extended
epilogues.

Book One: All the Cuts & Scars We Hide

Ex United States Marine, Wyatt Miller, was living a low-key life
keeping those around him at arm’s length. Fearing that the shadow that had
been haunting him for four years would swallow everything and everyone
he touched, he commits to living a solitary life. Until one night when a
beautiful stranger came to his rescue during one of the darkest points in his
life.

Caught between his guilt and his love for his family, architect Kai Lobo left
Hawaii in search of a fresh start and a new place to call home. What he
didn’t expect was to meet a mysterious stranger that will change the course
of his quest for a new beginning.

What will Wyatt do when the only man that can save him is the same
person who will drive him over the edge?

What will Kai do when the only man who can free him is the same person
that reminds him of a ghost from his past?

Will Wyatt and Kai be able to see past their differences and rely on what
they have in common to alter their futures?
All The Cuts and Scars We Hide is a story about healing, redemption and
love.

Book Two: All the White Lies We Tell

After missing out on the chance to represent the United States in the last
winter games, Isaac McAllister’s focus was second to none. He spent the
past few years away from his family training for this moment. He had a
dream, a dream that only came every four years and he would do anything
he could to make it happen. Even if it meant breaking hearts along the way.
Olympic gold was the prize, love would just have to wait.

Canadian Foster Donovan had it all. Money, fame, and good looks. But
what his peers truly envied was his natural talent on the slopes. Two-time
world champion and defending Olympic gold medalist, Foster would do
anything to defend his status as the best of his generation and join the ranks
of the greatest alpine skiers. Even if it meant crushing the dreams of the
only man he’d ever loved.

What would Foster and Isaac do when the price of their ambition became a
heartache for the other?

A dream four years in the making. Two countries. Two men. One Olympic
gold medal. All The White Lies We Tell is a story about rivals turned lovers
vying for the same glory.

Book Three: All the Battles We Surrender

 Time. That was what Sawyer Montgomery thought he had until he
realized that it was running out. Now, all he wanted to do was right a wrong
from three years ago. He made a vow to spend what little time he had left
with Hawkins, the only man he ever loved. He would try everything to
penetrate Hawkins’ armor before it was too late.

Time. That was what Jace Hawkins needed more of to forget his estranged
husband. But after three long years, Sawyer showed up at the Alaskan home
where they had promised to spend the rest of their lives together. The anger
he thought he’d feel at seeing Sawyer again was nowhere to be found.
Instead, it was replaced by an overwhelming fear of losing his lost love
forever.

One man is battling to save his life, while the other fight to protect his still
aching heart. To which battles are Sawyer and Hawkins willing to
surrender?

All the Battles We Surrender is a story about second chances and valuing
what everyone wishes for near the end.

Time.
OceanofPDF.com
All the White Lies We Tell: From the Ashes Book 2 of 3
After missing out on the chance to represent the United States in the last
winter games, Isaac McAllister’s focus was second to none. He spent the
past few years away from his family training for this moment. He had a
dream, a dream that only came every four years and he would do anything
he could to make it happen. Even if it meant breaking hearts along the way.
Olympic gold was the prize, love would just have to wait.

Canadian Foster Donovan Jr. had it all. Money, fame, and good looks. But
what his peers truly envied was his natural talent on the slopes. Two-time
world champion and defending Olympic gold medalist, Foster would do
anything to defend his status as the best of his generation and join the ranks
of the greatest alpine skiers. Even if it meant crushing the dreams of the
only man he’d ever loved.

What would Foster and Isaac do when the price of their ambition became a
heartache for the other?

A dream four years in the making. Two countries. Two men. One Olympic
gold medal. All The White Lies We Tell is a story about rivals turned lovers
vying for the same glory.
OceanofPDF.com
All the Cuts and Scars We Hide: From the Ashes Book 1 of 3
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08T8LKM49/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hs
ch_vapi_tkin_p1_i3

Ex United States Marine, Wyatt Miller, was living a low-key life keeping
those around him at arm’s length. Fearing that the shadow that had been
haunting him for four years would swallow everything and everyone he
touched, he commits to living a solitary life. Until one night when a
beautiful stranger came to his rescue during one of the darkest points in his
life.

Caught between his guilt and his love for his family, architect Kai Lobo left
Hawaii in search of a fresh start and a new place to call home. What he
didn’t expect was to meet a mysterious stranger that will change the course
of his quest for a new beginning.

What will Wyatt do when the only man that can save him is the same
person who will drive him over the edge?

What will Kai do when the only man who can free him is the same person
that reminds him of a ghost from his past?

Will Wyatt and Kai be able to see past their differences and rely on what
they have in common to alter their futures?
All The Cuts and Scars We Hide is a story about healing, redemption and
love.

OceanofPDF.com
Break Point
Tennis’s golden boy Travis Montgomery is at the apex of his life and his
young career after winning the US Open yet, his mind and heart is
somewhere else. Somewhere deep inside the closet of his past and the
secrets he hides even from those who are the closest to him. He is flashing
back on another time, another dream, and another love when he is reminded
of the only success that eludes him.
Fresh out of medical school, Dr. Ashton Kennedy moves back to Seattle
to complete his medical training and start the new beginning he has wanted
since Travis walked away six years ago. The task is proving to be harder
than he anticipated, especially when Travis returns waving a white flag.
What will happen when these two men meet again after six long years?
Will Ashton get his questions answered or will Travis’ ambition force him
even deeper into the closet?Heartfelt and sometimes comical, Break Point is
a story about friendship, love, forgiveness and living an authentic life.

OceanofPDF.com