A Round Trip to Love 1: LONG WAY HOME

Megajive

Published: 2020
Source: https://www.wattpad.com
Chapter One

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My essays tend to stray a little from the given topic or
lack sophistication in my choice of vocabulary, oftentimes
costing me some marks. Besides that, my overall grades
were basically good, or more accurately, one of the top
aggregate students. This explains my over-confidence when
the results for the midterm exams were out, I made a bet
with Fatty and the rest that I would be able to attain a level
placing in the top fifteen. This was a safe bet for as long as I
could get a pass for my essay, top fifteen is a piece of cake.
However, when the placings were released, I was ranked
sixteenth.
Still reeling in shock, I had no choice but to honor the bet
and treated Fatty and the gang to the student cafeteria's
best fried noodles. Each person ate two big plates, and
along with the noodles that disappeared, so did half of my
week's allowance. ( My brother and I get our allowance
weekly from our parents. ) I was dissapointed; my essay had
surprisingly received a good pass, yet I could not make it to
top fifteen? I took out the seven scripts and went through
each one of them carefully: out of a 100, Chinese 87,
Mathematics 90, English 92, Physics 89, Political Science 86,
History 69. History is the subject that pulled down the
average; it actually fell below 70 marks. Reluctant to give in,
I went through the script thoroughly, hoping to spot a
calculation error of one or two marks. The fifteenth rank
went to Lu Feng, who was also from our class, and he made
it with just one mark higher than my score. If I can scrap just
one more mark, I can share the fifteenth spot with him. This
is not about honour but more crucially, about whether I will
go hungry this week.
Upon this last ditched effort, I made a discovery that
made my blood boil and my face turn red. I got a full score
for the multiple-choice questions, the teacher gave a big red
tick, but neglected to add a single mark out of the twenty
marks in total to my final tally.
Twenty, twenty marks...... Amongst the top fifteen, even
half a mark could change everything, let alone TWENTY
marks.
Me lying in the top bunk bed of the eight-people shared
dormitory originally awaiting a death sentence from
starvation, immediately sprang up, look to reclaim my
money back from Fatty before confronting my History
teacher to get my rightful marks. As soon as I lifted my
head, I saw Lu Feng, who sleeps in the lower bunk directly
below me, dash through the doorway excitedly, his hands
holding an expensive-looking paper box.
"Cheng Yi Chen, come and check out my CD player."
It was the year 1996, in our small village back then, it was
a time where many children would be lucky to own the
heavy cassette tape players, and carrying an AIWA Walkman
was already a privilege compared to the MD-Player. I could
not help being filled curiosity and admiration as I examined
the black gadget, while completely forgetting my personal
policy of not bothering myself with Lu Feng.
Only half a term had gone by since the start of school,and
the cliques in which the boys hung out in were already more
or less formed. Lu Feng and I belonged to two different
elements that would never mix under any circumstances. I
was a typical good student and an obedient son. My brother
who is a year younger than me was still in his first year of
junior high school while I was classed as a gifted student,
advancing a few grades straight to the first year of senior
high school. Besides my exemplary academic achievements,
the other aspects of me were not as exemplary; my family's
financial background belonged to a very normal household.
Both my parents earn an average salary and have to
support one son who has zero concept of finance
managment, and the other studying at a prestigious school.
I was taught from young that nothing was more valuable
than gaining knowledge from books and grew up with the
threat, "If you cannot get into university, then you can go
back to our hometown and plow through our ancestors'
fields that extend for miles", hence, I have never compared
myself with others. Be it in terms of meals or attire, as long
as it is edible and wearable, I am contented. As expected
from one of the top nerds of the school, I had the most
appropriate hairstyle that aligns with school rules, the most
common sight of me is in front of a desk, wearing my old-
fashioned glasses, occupied with schoolwork.
Lu Feng, on the other hand, he's...... um...... it is bad
manners to speak badly of someone behind their backs, so I
would simply present an objective point of view, picking a
few rumours I had heard through the vineyard.
Appearance: Apparently, he is the most stylish and
handsome male student in our level, even if Andy Lau or
Aaron Kwok were to compare themselves to him, they would
lose out. (Really? Why didn't anyone find it strange for a
Chinese man to have a high nose bridge and deep amber
eyes?)
Family background: Yes...... I heard that his father was a
Chinese American, which makes Lu Feng a person of mixed
race, and just putting it out there, from the start of junior
high, Lu Feng's family had been donating large sums of
money to the school to build this facility and that.
Academics: Um...... Let's just say the fact that he made it
to top fifteen is as ludicrous as the fact that I did not.
Character: This sensitive topic is harder to discuss, suffice
to say the extensive money that his father had donated was
partially for the removal of bad records resulting from Lu
Feng's numerous physical altercations. Rumors has it that
one fateful year, the finance department was riddled with
anxiety because he was miraculously well-behaved or lucky
enough not to get caught.
As a summarized conclusion, none of us is particularly
fond of each other.
This new machine had obviously made us forget about
this as we sat together listening to Lu Feng's collection of
CDs of popular rock artists whom I have never heard of.
"The sound quality is pretty awesome, isn't it?" Lu Feng
excitedly chattered, "My father is a man of his words.
Getting into the top fifteen this time is sheer luck."
I immediately understood. This was the prize Lu Feng
asked for from his father.
Feeling the History paper in my hands, I hesitated. I do not
like Lu Feng, but I could not bear to dampen his spirits at
the moment.
"Like it? I'm going out to play soccer in the afternoon, do
you want to borrow it first?"
Gosh, this is hateful...... He is too generous.
I quickly rolled up the paper hidden behind my back.
Forget it, the cost of the plates of fried noodles would not
even add up to half a piece of the CD player's antenna.
Lu Feng scooped up the soccer ball below his table, and
shouting for the boys next door, he left. The player was still
sitting on my desk. I sighed. "Because of you; to protect you
I'll have to starve for two days."
Throwing my script aside, I picked up an English textbook
to read while lying on Lu Feng's bed, gradually falling
asleep.
Go on, sleep, once you fall asleep you will no longer feel
hungry.
When I woke up, Lu Feng was already back, his eyes
carefully examining something in his hand as he stood by
the bedside toweling his hair dry. I wandered for a moment
before realising that that was my history paper.
 "Your marks are tabulated wrongly." Seeing that I had
woken up, Lu Feng lifted the paper, his tone calm yet
unfriendly.
I muttered an "oh" in return.
"Why don't you go correct it? You might just come in first
place if the marks are added."
"If I changed it, you would..." As expected, I was never
one with the gift of gab after a nap. Who knew, Lu Feng is
one with an immense amount of pride, and the look on his
face obviously changed upon hearing these words.
"I know you look down on me. When the final exams come
about, I'll be able to get a placing above you just fine with
my own merits, you don't have to pretend to be kind."
Well, so much for being nice.
"I don't have any other intentions. That player is pretty
neat, but as to whether you want it or not, that is your
problem, it has nothing to do with me. I have no need to be
on your good side, and I'm not looking down on anyone, so
don't be so narrow-minded." I was lazy to say more, and
with a quick eye roll, I snatched my paper back.
The room was quiet for some time before I heard him
speak. "How about this, I don't like owing favors, so let me
treat you to a meal."
This person is sick, treating someone to a meal
immediately after dissing them off.
After giving it some thought and my rationale biased
towards my growling stomach, I nodded. "Sure."
Since then, I often thought, if it was not for this exchange,
if Lu Feng and I had kept our distance and simply brushed
past each other as usual, the future, my future, his future,
would perhaps have been different.
I did not expect Lu Feng to go to such a great expense for
the meal.
A reminder again that this was the year 1996, Kentucky's
Fried Chicken was not as commonly found then. For that
meal, we had to take more than an hour's ride on an old
bumpy bus to reach the city. To be honest, my knowledge on
these American fast foods only extended to what I have
read about them or seen on commercials, thus Lu Feng
called me a village bum for putting on such a mystified
expression as I dipped the French fries in the tomato sauce
with deep concentration, even more so than when I am
solving an analysis question in Chemistry.
Even though I was mercilessly made fun of and laughed at
by Lu Feng, that became one of my life's most unforgettable
meals, and that feeling would never return in the future as I
sit in a KFC restaurant by the street eating a burger and
pieces of chicken.
Maybe a person's first indeed leaves the strongest
memories.
This will then explain why in the many years to come, I
desperately fail to forget this man named Lu Feng.
For as many firsts he had given me, he had taken away
just as much.
Chapter Two

From then on, Lu Feng and I became closer. With some

significant time spent together, and discovering that he is
not as obnoxious as he appears to be, and could in fact, be
rather cute at times, our relationship rapidly grew stronger. I
guess the two of us were initially opposites that attracted
(personality-wise) but gradually, our personalities kind of
rubbed off each other, as evident by Lu Feng's decreasing
demerits and my increasing vulgarities.
As soon as our friendship stabilized, Lu Feng had to launch
a series of criticisms towards my physical appearance.
"You look really ugly with these glasses, you look like a
mushroom."
God, just when I start being nice, you cross the line.
"It's none of your business."
"It's really ugly though."
"If you're going to continue, then write the essay
yourself." At that time, I was working on an essay for the
useless trash in exchange for three of the canteen's famous
pot-stewed chicken drumsticks. The essay's title was "My
View On Cheating". The school's essay competition did not
receive enough submissions and hence set a target amount
to be collected from each class irregardless of merits.
Both Lu Feng and I hit the jackpot, all thanks to his wide
smirk after hearing my name being called which resulted in
his name being the next target, then it was my turn to
smile. Lu Feng was rather strong in his maths and sciences,
but when it came to his two languages, his incompetence
could make one cry. It is hard to believe that he is Chinese,
and an American Chinese at that. Rumour has it that his
midterms' essay was written inspired by his stream of
consciousness, and by stream of consciousness it meant
that he wrote whatever he saw, for example, if he saw a bird
fly past or observed that the girl in front of him had on a
revealing skirt, he could come up with a poem of sorts and
incorporate it into his essay ......
When he received an average result, the teacher must
have been captured by the mysterious introduction and
conclusion. Lu Feng's good handwriting that looked just like
a work of calligraphy must have left a strong impression as
well.
It would not be called a miracle if it happens twice. No
matter what light you use to look at it, Lu Feng's essays
were nonsensical scraps of paper written at the standard of
an elementary student. Giving him a pass was more than it
deserves. Lu Feng himself knows this, hence, he had taken
the initiative to buy the chicken drumsticks and placed them
in my lunchbox in front of me in order to give me some
mental motivation, at the same time, buttering me up
further by fanning me from the side. (It was the end of
November when people goes around in woolen sweaters.)
For my own essay, I had painstakingly written my
comments, analysis and reflections about the unhealthy
practices in the exam hall, and at the end, I had included a
deep and sincere message, "For socialism, we as students
must have a strong foundation in our educational journey
and cheating is no excuse!" My essay was the perfect
example of "a good youth's traditional ideas on socialism".
As for Lu Feng's, with a swish of the pen, I fired away with
my baseless theories, reprimanding the education system
and demanding for changes to be made. "If it exists, it must
be for a reason. When cheating has changed from a rare
occurrence to a long running problem, changed from a
figment of one's imaginations to a habit, then we have to
take a closer look as to why this is reasonable......"
 "It is a gentleman's clever use of other tools rather than
his prominent wisdom that helps him stand out. A good wind
relies on borrowed strength to send up to the heavens,
when an individual's ability is limited, appropriate usage of
other tools as a mean to reach his target cannot be said to
be an unfair shortcut. From an educational point of view, I
believe ......"
"Furthermore, just like how the public's worries over their
security do not necessarily reflect the decreased quality in
character among the common people but rather the
instability amongst the government, the increased
frequency of cheating cases do not reflect the student's lack
of knowledge and ideas. The real problem lies with our
education system which is full of loopholes. A change in the
education system is therefore a much more pressing issue
as compared to catching students who are cheating in the
exam hall..."
The rest was pretty much similar to those written above,
all simply lines of nonsense which reflects no fear of god.
The rant had left me rather contented when I was done.
Watching me write as if I was possessed and coming up with
large chunks of text within a mere half an hour, Lu Feng was
too amazed to guess that I was digging his grave.
After finishing, I munched away at the drumsticks,
laughing to myself now and then. That big idiot Lu Feng did
not even give it a second glance before writing his own
name and shoving the paper in his bag for submission
tomorrow.
"Xiao Chen, don't wear this pair of glasses anymore, they
look terrible." A classic example of biting the hand that fed
you.
"......" I wiped my mouth, then started, "My eyes aren't
good looking, wearing this would shield you from some of
that ugliness." A boy's looks are not important, but having
been criticised multiple times, I was starting to get
uncomfortable.
 "Why don't you take it off? It wouldn't be worse than this
current look anyway."
"......" I turned around and ignored him.
"Come on, Xiao Chen, we have no idea how you look
without your glasses either. Remove them so we can have a
look."
"I rather not... I'll look terrible and give you guys a scare."
It wasn't my fault that I was born ugly, but there was no
need to show off this fact.
Suddenly, caught off guard, my vision became a blur as
my glasses were removed by Lu Feng. Since the first year of
senior high, my left eye had a power of 375 while my right
was 425 (this later seemed to remain the same for about 7-
8 years), and with my relatively bad astigmatism, with the
sudden loss of my glasses made everything before me
appear as a blur, I stared blankly ahead with my mouth
slightly gaping in shock.
My surroundings became quiet, and only after a while did I
hear the dorm head Xiao Shan laugh dryly before saying,
"Xiao Chen...... You actually look quite cute."
Lu Feng returned my glasses by placing them on my face
again. "Forget it, you should just keep wearing them."
"I already said I would look bad." I faintly smiled.
Strangely, I felt a little upset over Lu Feng's remark.
I will not deny it, Lu Feng is the level's most charming
male student. Due to his mixed genes, his features are a lot
more distinct than most people. If you looked that good, you
would definitely be more picky towards others' appearances
– I comfort myself.
I had secretly hoped that Lu Feng would not find me ugly.
Lu Feng gave me a small smile. After everyone had gone
out of the dorm room to prepare for the night's self study in
the classrooms, he scooted closer to me and whispered,
"Don't let others see you without your glasses from now on."
"I got it." My tone was not kind. "I'm not wicked enough to
go out and scare others with my ghastly looks as if I have
nothing better to do."
Lu Feng's smile grew wider. "You understand what I
mean?"
Irritated, I pushed him away. "Go away, I've to go for self-
study now. If you find me ugly, stay further away from me.
Don't stand here lest I scare you."
Suddenly, he grabbed me and pulled me towards him, his
head lowering to speak softly in my ear, "I'm saying, the
way you look without your glasses makes me want to kiss
you."
"You- Have you gone crazy?" I was stunned for a moment,
my face turning a ripe red before I bellowed angrily.
Lu Feng chuckled.
I turned around to avoid looking at that arrogant smirk on
his face and kept myself busy by packing my journal and
practice questions for the self-study session.
"Eh? Where are my socks?"
Lu Feng lowered his head as he searched the room.
"I washed them."
This man looked absolutely fresh and clean from the
outside, but on the inside, he was a mess. He never washes
his socks, and after wearing a pair, he would put them
under his pillow. Once all the socks have gathered under his
pillow, he would pick a pair that was not as dirty or smelly
as the rest and wear them. About more than half a school
term had passed, but not once have I seen him wash his
socks. I would bet that if I took any one of them, it would so
stiff it can stand upright on its own. Even though I slept on
the top bunk, I could barely stand the smell, and yet he did
not find it disgusting. In the afternoon, after class, when he
was out buying the chicken drumsticks, I took the chance
and washed all of those smelly socks. It was only after I
hung them up to dry then did I realise there was more than
a dozen of them. Goodness gracious.
"You washed them?" Lu Feng lifted his head, casting me a
strange look.
 "Wh-why?" I was starting to think that there were millions
of pounds worth of notes in them seeing his terrifying
expression.
"Xiao Chen, you helped me wash my socks?"
"Yes..." I was confused.
"I love you!" Lu Feng spread his arms and immediately
gave me a hug. Having missed the chance to avoid it, I was
forcefully wrapped in his arms and awarded a peck on my
face.
"You pervert!" The shock was too much for my heart to
take.
"I am a pervert." Lu Feng smiled sneakily. "Here, I'll give
you one more kiss."
"Dream on." I smacked a thick chemistry textbook on his
face, only to be smoothly grabbed by the arm and pressed
down on the bed.
"Hey, stop it!" I begged, "I'm ticklish..." Before I could
finish, I felt an attack on my waist, causing me to erupt in
laughter.
"Ticklish?" Lu Feng teased. "How about this spot? Here? Or
here?"
The places he touched felt as if I had come into contact
with lightning, making me curl up into a ball, laughing until
it became hard to breathe.
"Xiao Chen, you're really sensitive."
"If I'm ticklish, I'm ticklish. Why is there a need for such a
sensual word?" I got up, eyeing his complicated expression
as he bit down on his lower lip, his amber eyes sparkling.
"Why are you acting so weird? Did you hit your head or
something?"
"Nothing." He smiled, wearing his Nike sports shoes
barefooted before picking his bag up. "Let's go for self-
study."
Chapter Three

Lu Feng going for self-study can be made into an idiom, its

meaning: a phenomenon that rarely or does not ever
happen.
Most of his time was spent either outside of school
fighting or getting himself in trouble. (As mentioned before,
this was our school's main source of dirty income.)
Just recently, he had broken an arm of a neighboring
school's gang leader with a chair, in exchange for an
increased notoriety amongst high schoolers in the district. It
was a generation where school violence was all the rage;
those who watched too many school gangster movies
emulate their actions and struck hard and fast. Gang
leaders were anointed based on their capabilities most aptly
demonstrated by smashing beer bottles on heads. This was
deemed ruthless and heroic.
Being this notorious person's favorite follower, I was
envied by many. I, however, did not wish to be dragged
down by this fellow who was capable of cursing the
discipline master's line of ancestors in his best voice right
after exiting his office where he had just been reprimanded
in.
"Xiao Chen, let's go ice skating. I'll treat you."
"No, I've done nothing to deserve it."
This sort of conversation was common between us. Lu
Feng is rich, naturally, he was generous towards his friends.
However, I am not one to freely accept benefits without
having done nothing to earn them. Dad had disciplined my
brother and I since young with the help of the feather
duster: "Firstly, don't ever steal. Secondly, don't ever be
greedy." By greedy, he meant gaining petty advantages. So
between Lu Feng and I, we draw a clear line when it came to
matters of money. Even when we go hiking and bought a
bottle of mineral water, I would pay him back every single
cent. I regard myself as upright by doing this, but this
annoyed Lu Feng no end.
As expected, he knitted his brows and glared at me. After
a while of this hostility, he comprehended that I was not in
the least bit shaken, he changed his tone.
"You definitely deserve this. Let's go for two rounds and
take it as repayment for my gratitude to you."
"Huh?"
"That essay you wrote for me, won the first prize in the
competition. My father was so delighted he gave me a
generous reward."
I froze, stunned.
Seriously? How did that happen? That nonsensical essay
actually got the first prize?
Why did things turn out this way? I have never won a
single prize for the essays I wrote, and for merely three
chicken drumsticks, I've given the prize away to him...
In those days, ice skating was popular amongst high
schoolers, reason being the lights and atmosphere is ideal
for some hanky-panky. Boys would bring pretty girls to
skate, eyeing any opportunities to take advantage, openly
holding their hands or touching their waists under the guise
of teaching, even planning their falls carefully so that the
girl would end up in their arms. Most of the time, platonic
relationships would transform into romantic ones after a
skating session, and if luck is on their side, they might hit a
homerun.
As we were changing our shoes, many people greeted Lu
Feng. "Ah Feng, you didn't bring a pretty girl here today? Ah
Feng, you're alone?"
Dammit, does being a man means I'm not human?
 Having not had the experience of even touching a girl's
hand before, I got annoyed. "Hey, it seems like you're rather
promiscuous. Exactly how many girls have you skated
with?"
"Wait, let me count..."
He actually started counting with his fingers. I expressed
my irritation with an "urgh" before standing up and wobbly
made my way towards the rink by leaning on the wall.
"Xiao Chen, you suck at this," he shouted out.
"Shut up!" Even without your loud announcement, anyone
could see I am a novice.
Being my first attempt at ice-skating. I should deserve a
consolation prize at least for being able to stand on my feet,
not the words "you suck at this".
Lu Feng was playing real fine in the rink while all I could
do was hold on to the railings as I move unsteadily. Safely
making my first step was as moving as Mankind's first step
on the moon for me.
"Xiao Chen, let me help you." After skating two rounds
and seeing that I was still hanging on to the railings for my
dear life, he came over and started nagging, "You'll never
learn it in this lifetime at this rate."
"Shoo shoo shoo." I vigorously swatted with my right hand
as if I was swatting at flies. "You go and play it your way, I'll
learn it slowly."
That shameless fellow ambushed me again, pulling my
arms forcefully. Once my hands left that life-saving railing, I
screamed aloud, my screams akin to that of one drowning.
After struggling for a while, I found myself resolutely
clinging onto Lu Feng's shoulder.
"I knew it, you wanted to make me fall to my death!"
Lu Feng laughed. "You didn't fall, did you? Come on, I'll
hold you. I'm much better than those railings."
He was definitely more reliable than those railings,
especially since the railings wouldn't be there to save me
when I shout for help. With my left hand intertwined with his
index finger and my right hand stretched outwards to
maintain my balance, Lu Feng stayed by my side, his right
hand staying put around my waist. In this position, we
managed to skate one round around the rink, and by the
time we were done, my palms were wet with sweat.
"Let's try one more round."
"Let me off please," I pitifully begged, "I'm not good at
balancing. I will never get the hang of it."
"What are you saying, you can almost stand straight now,
let's practice a little more..."
Across from us, a couple was unsteadily headed straight
for the both of us, and just when it seemed that the great
clash of the novices would happen, Lu Feng's quick reflexes
pulled me to the side to avoid it. I was not able to duck as
elegantly as he did and slipped, resulting in a teary-eyed me
gripping tightly onto Lu Feng's clothes as I whimpered sadly
on the floor.
That time round, I had finally seen Lu Feng's reliability as
a living banister.
"I think I'll rather not continue anymore." I was
pathetically leaning on Lu Feng's chest sobbing softly. It was
a bit uncomfortable for two men to be so close together, but
Lu Feng's hug was tight, so I did not try to break free.
"Let's try it again," he said lightly.
"Are you really not satisfied until I fall and break all my
limbs?"
"With me here, you will not fall."
Although Lu Feng spoke bravely, I still got myself injured-
someone had approached from behind and with the loss of
the reliable hold from Lu Feng, I fell straight down to kiss the
ground.
"......" The pain made me speechless.
"Is he fucking blind?" Lu Feng angrily cursed as he quickly
bent down to help me up. "Are you alright?"
"How can I be alright?" Although it was embarrassing, I
wanted to cry out loud at the pain when he accidentally
made contact with my ankle. "I sprained my ankle!"
I became quite a sight in school the next two days by
hopping about with one foot to get around. Often, I was
cursing while hopping, and those who did not know better,
thought "as expected, a top student still pretending to be
strong even when he's injured" by looking at my strict face
as I mumbled on, thinking that even under such
circumstances I would still be memorising formulas.
"Xiao Chen, are you feeling better today?"
The target of all my vicious cursing was waving a bottle of
medicated oil in my face.
"You wish. It's going to hurt for a hundred days."
"Oh, that leaves only ninety-eight more days then."
I was almost driven nuts. He clumsily applied the
medicine on my ankle and asked, "Where else does it hurt?"
I harshly retorted, "My butt!"
Wasn't that obvious after my butt took the brunt of the
fall?
"Oh?" He raised his eyebrows with a sly smile, "Want me
to help you massage it?"
"......" Since we were both males, I personally thought it
was no big deal, but that look on his face unsettled me.
"N...no thanks, it doesn't hurt that bad."
Unexpectedly, the pain got worse the next day. Perhaps
the words "doesn't hurt that bad" meant the pain would
extend to the tailbone, making the simple task of lifting your
waist a tremendously torturous one. My right foot started to
swell too, rendering me an invalid without a single foot to
even hop on as I cried helplessly in bed.
Chapter Four

A common essay topic written by elementary school

students is about a helpful student who shoulders the
responsibility of taking care of another disadvantaged
student before and after school, carrying the wounded/
injured on his back be it rain or shine.
Of course that one helpful student had to be Lu Feng.
At first, when he wanted to carry me on his back, I flatly
refused. Spraining your ankle while ice-skating is not a
glorious thing, so I did not want to draw attention to myself
by laying proudly on his back for all to see. Lu Feng was far
too tall; I would stand out no matter where he carried me.
But it was near the end of the term, and notes were of the
utmost importance, so even if I had to crawl to class, I would
do it. Immediately, Lu Feng took up the job and started
transporting me around like a batch of cargo.
The distance between the dorm and the classroom block
was not far, but there were plenty of stairs. Lu Feng, a
young master used to be the one served upon, was rather
rough with the way he carried me, usually throwing me
harshly on the bed and making me cry out in pain or hitting
the walls every time we turn at the stairways.
"Damn it, do you take me as a sandbag?"
I held in my tears as I counted the numerous bruises that
had mysteriously appeared.
Lu Feng, who was in charge of applying the medicated oil
for me, had just about touched every single spot on my
body.
"My back was reserved for a ravishing beauty, you should
count yourself lucky to be the first to have earned this
honour."
"Hey, can you not judge others purely by their physical
looks? Even though I'm no beauty, I am at least a man with
intellectual beauty."
"Here, open your mouth." Lu Feng opened the lunchbox.
My three meals were now bought by him.
"......" I avoided the spoon uncomfortably. "I didn't get a
stroke, just sprained my ankle. Do you really need to feed
me?"
"Stop being so long-winded. Open up."
"No!"
With his quick and firm actions, my jaws were helplessly
pinched open as he sent the spoonful of rice straight into
my mouth.
I know I am not eating elegantly, but you don't have to
keep staring at my mouth.
I miserably finished my meal with his continuous feeding,
and a bonus service of having my mouth wiped clean for
me.
"..... Are you done cleaning?" My lips were burning, my
skin feeling as if it would tear any second.
"There's still a little dirt here."
Just wipe it away, you're not short-sighted, there's no
need for you to come so close.
When it was nearing the holidays, Lu Feng's desk had
accumulated a pile of love letters.
"I really don't know what they see in you. With an honest
man like me here, they still choose to fall for you." I was
green with envy.
"You're jealous?"
For the umpteenth time, I casted him a resentful look.
"Have you never been confessed to by a girl?"
"That's expected," I huffed angrily, "I'm with you all day
long. Your imposing figure has totally stolen the limelight
away from me, so how would they see me? No, in the future,
I'll have to keep my distance from you and stay far far
away."
I was never one to stand out in the first place, but next to
Lu Feng's glorious self had basically turned me invisible in
the eyes of others.
"Don't you dare!" His voice was suddenly harsh.
Shocked, I quickly shook my head timidly, "Nope, of
course not."
"Xiao Chen." Lu Feng sat beside me, habitually putting his
arms around my shoulders. "You really want to have a
girlfriend?"
"Of course..." Seeing his glare I quickly mumbled, "No..." I
have not reached the age of puberty then, so I had no
fantasies about the opposite sex. The wish to be popular to
girls is simply a way of gratifying my own vanity.
"Let's make a promise, as long as I don't have a girlfriend,
you can't fall for any girl either." It sounded like an fair deal,
besides, it was a contract that had no legal implications.
With Lu Feng attracting girls left and right without trying,
and his lack of moral principles, there is an enormous
chance a group of children would be surrounding him calling
him "Daddy" before I even have the chance to touch the
finger of a girl.
I nodded indifferently. Lu Feng smiled, crumpling the
letters before throwing them into the bin without a second
glance.
Chapter Five

Everyone was excited for the first winter break of senior

high, but the thought of four weeks without Lu Feng made
me a little upset. It was the first time in my life experiencing
this feeling of missing someone, but the person in mind
was... a man... urgh.
I took only five days to finish the holiday assignments, and
while I was at it, I helped my younger brother with one of
his. Yi Chen was busy playing his guitar, neglecting food and
sleep for it. He had become obsessed with Japanese bands,
even hugging his secondhand guitar with his fingers moving
in his sleep. The group of rascals had even formed a band of
their own, its name was... they might not have settled on a
name, because I remember being asked to flip through the
dictionary with my eyes closed to pick two words. In the
end, the first word I chose was "diarrhea", the second
"cancer". No matter how you placed them, the name would
have a terrible sound to it, hence it was dismissed.
That unlucky boy did not score well in his finals, and
knowing that I had received monetary reward from Mum and
Dad after achieving third in my level, he came to his cute
older brother to borrow some money. I prayed that he would
return me the money once he received his red packet during
the new year. Even though I knew the money was not going
to be returned, I still gave it to him. If you had a brother who
loved clinging to you since a toddler, splitting fifty cents he
found on the ground with you and looked just like you, your
heart would melt too.
As long as he did not keep up with his guitar playing in the
next room at odd hours.
 Yi Chen had gone to his friend's house to practise, so I was
bored to death alone. Besides, the drama serial
broadcasting on TV could bore anyone to tears, so I watched
the commercials mindlessly, flipped channels or go to the
washroom once the serial started again. Mum wanted to
watch Chiung Yao's works, so I did not have any choice but
to become increasingly annoyed by those middle-aged
women whining until the phone rang. Mum was too
engrossed to notice, so I got up instinctively and went round
the dining table to pick up the phone.
"Hello? Who are you looking for?"
"Xiao Chen?"
I brightened up immediately. "Lu Feng!"
"What happened at home? Why do I hear someone crying
so woefully?"
"Shut your trap! Don't curse me, you're the one that's
going to have something happen to you, that's just the
drama serial playing right now."
"Oh really? We're watching it too."
After competing who could use the most insulting words to
criticise Chiung Yao's classic works, Lu Feng suddenly asked,
"Xiao Chen, do you miss me?"
"...Gross..."
"Do you miss me or not?" he persisted.
"......Maybe a little." I felt extremely awkward after saying
it aloud, my face slowly turning hot.
"Oh," he sounded really happy. "I missed you so much. My
father brought me out to have fun for a few days, and the
first thing I did when we got home was to give you a call.
How did you spend the last few days?"
"I finished all the assignments." I was as proud as a
peacock.
"You're brilliant! Come over a few days before school
reopens. .......let me copy some of the homework."
"You still dare speak so loudly when you're asking to copy
someone else's work?"
 Before we knew it, we had actually talked for two whole
hours. When I hung up the phone, my left ear was burning
red from pressing the phone against it.
Turning around, I found that Mum was no longer staring at
the television, but staring at me instead.
"A female friend?!"
"It's a male."
Mum was still looking at me with an expression that
screamed "you're lying to me" as she nagged, "Xiao Chen
ah, you're only in your first year of senior high, don't start
dating yet, it's not good for you. If your father finds out, he'll
beat you to death..."
"I'm not seeing anyone. How do you expect any girl to fall
for me when you gave me these looks?"
"What looks? You look fine, don't you? Your nose looks like
a proper nose, your eyes look like proper eyes."
"...... It's just that my nose is positioned above my eyes
isn't it?"
"What are you talking about? The aunties downstairs all
say Ah Chen and you were born handsome."
"Mum, you're not saying this just because I look like you
right? If I'm ugly, just say so, I won't blame you."
"Hey, when you were born, you weren't the least bit ugly.
Go take a look at the photo on your birth certificate, look at
how big your eyes were, it was you who made them smaller
by crying all the time..."
I made a beeline for my room, leaving Mum and her
nagging outside the door.
After that day, Lu Feng made a call every single day. Once
Mum, Dad and even Yi Chen had taken turns picking up and
verifying it is indeed a boy, they no longer questioned me.
Being a mother though, she would never run out of things to
nag about.
"Xiao Chen ah, don't spend too much time talking to your
friend on the phone, the bills are not cheap. One phone call
of yours could pay for a poor family's food ration for a
month..."
"Mum, stop concerning yourself with our country and its
people. He's the one who called, not me, and his family isn't
the least bit poor."
"Aiya, you two can talk to each other when you go back to
school. A long distance call within the state costs sixty cents
per minute, that means it'll be thirty-six dollars for an hour,
and seventy-two dollars for two hours..." Mum must have
pre-calculated these figures as her math is rarely this good.
"Youngsters these days don't understand how hard it is for
their parents to make money ......"
After listening to her nagging for a whole day, when Lu
Feng called at night, I became worried: "Let's not chat for
too long, it must have cost you quite a bit being on the
phone all these hours."
"Okay, I won't call from tomorrow onwards."
"......" I was stupefied. "You're... you're really
straightforward."
"I've always been straightforward."
"......I'll call you tomorrow instead then."
"Your calls are not free either. There's no need."
"......" Maybe he had always found me annoying, but I was
just too slow to realize.
I could no longer get my spirits up, and even though I
hung up the phone early to go to bed, I could not fall asleep.
Lu Feng...... well...... Lu Feng...... That fellow is really
hateful.
Chapter Six

Yi Chen was still in his room playing the guitar as I have my

breakfast with heavy dark circles around my eyes, while
Mum and Dad are in the kitchen cooking. Our family's eating
habits are rather peculiar, we ate porridge for all three
meals, the only difference was how thick or thin the
porridge is for each meal. The side dishes do not differ much
too. We usually wake up to plain porridge coupled with a
chicken drumstick or some crab meat.
Someone was knocking at the door. Who could it be? Even
if it's the spring festival, there's no need to visit at seven in
the morning.
"Xiao Chen, go and see who is at the door. If it's the
milkman, pass him the money I prepared on the table."
Right, Mum ordered fresh milk right after we came back
from our trip. Every morning after we had our porridge with
crab or chicken, we would drink milk. Unbelievably without
fail.
I grabbed the money, opened the door, received the bag
in the milkman's hands and paid him, once the door clicked
shut, the knocking resumed almost immediately.
Uncle, you are really annoying. If you have any other
business here, why not do it in one go?
Impatiently, I opened the door. "Uncle......"
"Uncle? You dare to call me uncle when I'm this young?!"
The tall handsome youth at the door scoffed. "Have you
gone stupid? You can't be serious... I woke up at four just to
catch the first bus at five to see you and you're not inviting
me in?"
 My face flushed red as I remained speechless. When I
regained my senses, I gave him a strong punch, and feeling
it not adequate, I added another kick.
After letting him in, I realised he was carrying two pieces
of tofu in his hands.
"......" I pointed blankly. "What is this?"
"The shops leading to your place are still closed, I had to
ask for directions and the only store open is the tofu store,
so I bought two pieces from them."
So the first gift Lu Feng gave my parents were two pieces
of tofu.
They happened to be making their traditional tofu dish but
realised that there was no tofu in the fridge and was just
debating over who should be the one walking down five
stories to grab it. Seeing the gift, they immediately broke
into smiles, praising Lu Feng for being considerate.
Lu Feng and I stuck together like glue for the entire day,
hiding in my small bedroom with the door closed as we sat
on the bed and chatted away, smiling as we looked at each
other when there are nothing much to talk about. I showed
off my valued collections one by one to Lu Feng, and
although they are not very exceptional or special to him, he
still poked his head over excitedly from my back as he
hugged my waist, his chin resting on my shoulder as he
looked at the photos and figurines seriously, his warm
breath tickling my ear.
When night had fallen, we were still reluctant to part, so
Mum and Dad generously invited Lu Feng to stay the night.
He refused at first before "reluctantly" accepting. No one is
more talented than him when it came to pretending to be a
saint.
I had long snuggled under the blankets as I waited for Lu
Feng, watching him slowly removing his thick winter clothes.
Lu Feng is four years older than me, his body developed
well. Although he is slender, he looked bulky with his height,
whereas I was still struggling to grow taller, hence seeing
his strong broad back made me sigh with admiration.
"What is it?" He snuggled in, wrapping one arm around my
shoulders.
"What does your mum feed you? You're so tall."
"Bullwhips." He was smiling mischievously.
"Get lost, it wouldn't be your height that's growing if you
ate that."
"I am pretty long too."
"Hahaha ........."
Probably because of the chilly weather, we ended up
wrapping ourselves in a tight embrace as we slept.
Lu Feng's body warmth is something I really like.
Lu Feng stayed for two more days before he left. Mum and
Dad were enthusiastic towards him, but Yi Chen was a little
wary. "Brother, don't just keep talking to him and ignore me.
We started sleeping in separate rooms when we were six, so
why does he get to sleep with you?" Okay, I have to admit Yi
Chen seemed to show too much affection for it to be normal
among siblings, but at that time, both of us did not think too
much about it.
Two days before school reopened, I could no longer wait
and decided to abandon Yi Chen and head straight for
school. Opening the door, I found Lu Feng in the dorm with
his back to me unpacking his luggage. Upon hearing some
movement, he turned around and smiled widely.
"Xiao Chen, I brought you some chocolates."
"Lu Feng, I brought you some meat floss."
We said this in unison, making us crack up in laughter.
My mum's meat floss... every shred was at least 1mm
thick, which was probably ten times thicker than those sold
in stores. It was obvious she made this purely out of
boredom, just like how she would repeatedly take my old
sweaters and tear them apart to be made into gloves and
then tear those apart to be made into socks which were
then torn apart to be knitted into scarves. Lu Feng tried
some the other day when he visited, his offhand remark
coupled with the fact that hardly anyone praises Mum's
cooking, she made me pack some in a ziplock bag for him.
As we sat on his bed listening to a CD while talking and
snacking, the finely made Swiss chocolates were much more
appealing to me than my mum's homemade meat floss. I
carefully placed each exquisite piece of chocolate in my
mouth; the slight bitter taste it left as it melted was
absolutely addictive, and without me realising, the box was
soon empty.
Just when I had shoved the last piece into my mouth, Lu
Feng exclaimed, "Hey hey hey, you could have at least left
me one."
"There's none left." I playfully opened my mouth. "Unless
you want this one?"
"Okay." He pushed me down, cup my face, and pressed
his lips against mine.
I was shell-shocked, dazedly allowing his tongue to enter
and lick the half-melted chocolate once over before eating
it.
When he released me, he made a show out of swallowing
it before smirking: "That's delicious."
I could still feel the soft and warm sensation lingering on
my lips and the tip of my tongue. It was as if I was struck by
lightning, my mind had gone blank, my face a steaming red
as I remained tongue-tied.
"You are blushing badly." Lu Feng smiled devilishly. "How
innocent."
It was then I realised he was fooling around with me, and
with a mix of anger and embarrassment, I picked up a pillow
and started hitting him. "Son of a bitch, go to hell!"
He was laughing as he dodged my attacks. "You're really
interesting, blushing like a girl."
I threw the pillow away and ignored him.
Those horrible kind of jokes did not die down after that,
but got worse. When we are together, he would pinch my
waist or thighs out of the blue when no one is noticing,
pulling tricks that were making me very uncomfortable.
Once I start blushing, he would tease me and then laugh it
off, "I'm just playing around, it's just a joke, don't take it to
heart."
I am different from him. He can make a joke out of
anything and everything, but I treat every actions and words
seriously.
Chapter Seven

There is only one washroom in each level of the dormitory,

the interior separated into three areas: the showering room,
the toilets and the basins. The showers were open concept,
meaning that there were no cubicles separating the shower
heads. Lu Feng and I often use shower heads that are side
by side to talk to each other while we take a shower, but
because of his recent childish jokes, the atmosphere had
become rather tense between us, our shower time also
much quieter.
There were no one else in the washroom. I was quietly
washing my hair, Lu Feng washing up beside me until he
suddenly commented, "Xiao Chen, your ass is rather
voluptuous."
I was taken aback by this awkward statement, turning
around to wash the shampoo off my hair as I avoided his
line of vision. "Stop talking nonsense."
He was not going to let it go. "Has anyone ever told you
that your legs look beautiful? They're so long and straight."
"One more word and I'll sue you for trying to take liberties
with me."
"Or, you could return the favour." He laughed.
I sneaked a glance at his naked body before quickly
lowering my gaze again. "Forget it, I can't get any dirtier
than you."
I was a little flustered, washing myself hurriedly to get
myself dry as soon as possible. Lu Feng was already fully
dressed and waiting for me as his eyes explored my body.
I wore my pants, lifting my head to glare at him. "What
are you looking at? Stop acting like a pervert."
 He grinned slyly. "I want to act like one, what are you
going to do about it?"
Before I could move away, he had reached over and
pinched my chest harshly. The pain was enough to make me
cry out in shock. "What are you doing?"
"Aww, are you angry?" His smile had not faded. "I'm just
joking around, don't be so petty."
".... It hurts! You used too much strength!"
"Oh really?" He was still smiling, seemingly unaffected.
At night, as I lay in bed, the pain on my chest kept me
awake. Taking off my pajamas to take a look, I realised my
nipple had swelled up with the slightest wisps of blood. Lu
Feng's strength was terrifying. I found his sudden act of
violence hard to understand, his cheeky looks making him
even more intolerable.
But he is, after all, my best friend. To let such a minor
thing affect our relationship seems to be... making a
mountain out of a molehill.
Lu Feng was getting more and more presumptuous,
touching me here and there in front of others, seemingly
deriving entertainment from my frustration.
One day, after the night self study, the eight of us
returned to our dorm room. When men gathered to talk, the
topic usually veer towards girls. As they continued talking,
the discussion gradually went overboard. Someone
suddenly issued a dare to Lu Feng.
"Lu Feng, why don't you do your wife once for us to see?"
Besides me, who else could Lu Feng's 'wife' be?
They roared with laughter. My face darkened as I sat on Lu
Feng's bed reading, pretending I did not heard a word of
that.
However, before I knew it, Lu Feng had replied with a
short "okay" before he pushed me down on the bed, swiftly
riding on my waist.
The cheers were loud enough to wake the dead. With one
hand, Lu Feng skillfully pinned both my arms down while the
other unbuttoned my shirt without hesitation.
"Lu Feng! Stop fooling around!" I was getting more
anxious and angrier by the minute.
Once my shirt had been completely unbuttoned, the six of
them excitedly cheered again. Lu Feng was still wearing a
faint smile as he explored my body with his hands. I did not
know to what extent he would fool around this time,
although I know he would not actually do it, but to be
humiliated publicly like this still made me purse my lips
firmly as I resisted.
His hand was actually sliding down towards my waist to
unbuckle my belt, making me go pale, "Lu Feng, you're
taking this too far!"
"Lu Feng, hurry up!"
"Go for it! Haha......"
My brainless dorm mates were too slow to realize the
gravity of the situation.
"Lu Feng, I'm getting angry!" I weakly flashed my trump
card.
He was still tearing away at my clothes as if possessed,
his hand finding its way into my pants before grasping it.
As if touched by lightning, I screamed, managed to break
myself free from his hold with a surge of strength before
giving him a hard slap across his face.
"Son of a bitch." I was trembling as I gritted my teeth.
It was then that they realized the joke had gone too far.
After a long silence, Xiao Shan spoke up, "Xiao Chen, don't
cry. Lu Feng was just fooling around."
Lu Feng was looking at me, his face revealing a hint of
uneasiness.
"Get lost." I pushed him away roughly. "Get lost!"
"Xiao Chen, I was ......"
"Just kidding right? Get lost, go and fool around with
someone else." I used the back of my hand to wipe my tears
before getting up and picking my glasses off the floor. "A
young master like you can easily find someone to fool
around with, so don't always take me as your clown!"
Chapter Eight

I stopped talking to Lu Feng.

Lu Feng was worse. At his age, he has not learnt to say
the word "sorry", so how could he be the first to give in?
When we had no choice but to meet at times, his face was
stiffer than mine.
For a few days in a row, I dreamt about Lu Feng. That
arrogant fellow would suddenly have a 180 degree change
in attitude, gently holding my hand as he said, "Xiao Chen,
I'm sorry. Please stop ignoring me." I would then hold on to
his shirt and bawl my eyes out. I would cry myself awake,
and find out that I am still lying on my single-sized mattress
on the top bunk. Poking my head out to take a look at Lu
Feng at the lower bunk, he would be sound asleep.
Cheng Yi Chen, you must be dreaming.
Similar dreams kept repeating themselves, making me
secretly chastise myself stupid every time I see Lu Feng's
nonchalant face.
"Xiao Chen, don't be angry, it's all my fault."
I had enough experience this time round. "Stop comforting
me, I know I'm dreaming."
As expected, I woke up in a blink of an eye, and just as I
was moping, I saw Lu Feng sitting beside me, his head
lowered as he looked at me with a small smile. "You're
awake? Xiao Chen, let's make up."
I started crying again. "Lu Feng, I just dreamt of you
speaking to me, and when I woke up, I was afraid you were
going to ignore me again."
Lu Feng was smiling gently, lightly patting my head.
"You're not dreaming now. Don't cry."
 "Ring-..."
My eyes flew open, my heart beating wildly.
It was the school's wake up call. I sat up, wiped the sweat
off my forehead, blankly started into space for a while, then
quietly wore my clothes and got off the bed.
Unintentionally, I glanced at Lu Feng's bed. It was empty.
I pondered for a moment. Unable to quell my curiosity, I
asked, "Lu Feng didn't return last night?"
The others had just woken up as well, and were in the
midst of taking their towels and toothbrushes to wash up.
Xiao Shan was looking at the mirror closely, squeezing his
pimple as he said with both admiration and jealousy, "Lu
Feng ah, you didn't know? He recently started dating the
school belle and you won't be able to catch him around
much. I have no idea where he took that girl to last night
though. That bastard's fast ........"
I stood there stiffly. Only a few days had gone by and he
had already gotten himself a girlfriend, going in for the kill
with the speed of light. That really sounded like his style.
Only an idiot like me would foolishly worry over a friend like
this. That fellow Lu Feng was the true definition of easy-
going; he did not take me seriously in the least bit. His circle
of friends has always been huge, so one less would not
matter, unlike me who treat my one or two friends like
treasure, going to an extend of having such pathetic
dreams. I am plain ridiculous.
As I thought it through, I slowly started to laugh.
"What are you laughing for?"
"Nothing, nothing." I grinned widely as I waved him off.
It was a friendship that lasted less than half a year, so it is
not a big deal. I lowered my head to search for my
toothbrush and toothpaste; a strange pain lingering in my
stomach.
Lu Feng did not appear for all four lessons in the morning.
I did not plan on wondering where that person is or what he
is up to, just focusing on writing my notes and doing
practices, using the break time to finish two whole sets of
math questions. My productivity level was way higher than
usual, shocking my desk mate who exclaimed, "Xiao Chen,
you're way too aggressive! You're basically doing these at
supersonic speed ......."
"The speed at which you solve the questions is very
important," I said seriously, "There are so many questions in
the exams now, if you don't hurry, you won't be able to
complete them." "No wonder you score 20 marks higher
than me every time for Chinese..." My desk mate
murmured. The Chinese papers were always too long for
most people to finish them within two hours; I was probably
the only exception.
By afternoon, the lower bunk was still empty. I could no
longer continue doing practice questions and instead,
started counting sheep.
"403 Cheng Yi Chen, someone's calling for you!" The uncle
on duty downstairs shouted.
"I'm coming, I'm coming." I ran downstairs. The only
person who would call the school is my strict father, to call
at this time would mean it was an urgent, and most likely
bad, matter.
"Dad!"
"Is this Cheng Yi Chen?"
A young woman's voice ....... I felt cheated.
"You are Lu Feng's close friend right?"
I did not know how I should answer, so I gave an
ambiguous "um" in reply.
"That idiotic brother of mine was stabbed for stealing
someone else's girlfriend. I don't know if he's dead yet, but
do help me go over and take a look at him."
Chapter Nine

The first thought in my mind was that she was joking.

"What, what do you mean?"
"Lu Feng ah, my brother, fought with someone and was
stabbed. He's lying in that small hotel beside the school.
Because he's afraid of getting more demerits, he doesn't
dare to go to the hospital nor go back to school. I have no
time for him right now, so could you help me out by paying
him a visit. Oh right, don't ever let my father find out, or
he'll chop that idiot's legs off, and ......."
I asked Xiao Shan to help me take the afternoon off, and
with no time for further explanation, I took off hurriedly with
my wallet.
Lu Feng and I used to frequent that hotel. When there was
something to celebrate, like if I got first place on a subject,
his father would send him some money, and the two of us
would go there for a meal, one of us having wine while the
other juice, as we sat there chatting away.
That was why we the owner is familiar with us, once he
saw me, he nodded his head as a greeting. "Lu Feng's on
the second floor, Room 3."
I calmed down slightly, thinking that Lu Feng's injury must
not be too bad. If he was bleeding profusely, the owner
would not be so heartless as to leave a body lying in the
guestroom.
The door was not locked, just closed. My heart was
pounding; I was afraid to see Lu Feng covered in blood lying
on the bed without a resemblance of his usual spirit.
"...Lu Feng..." I pushed the door open and nervously called
out in a small voice.
 "Hmm?"
That fellow who had been stabbed and should be bleeding
and crying out as if he is on the verge of death was causally
lying on the bed with his legs propped up while watching the
television.
"........." I immediately became as quiet as a lamb, secretly
wanting to stab him with a knife before leaving quietly.
"Xiao Chen?!" He was slightly taken aback by my
appearance.
I got hot under the collar. "Your sister said that you were
injured and asked me to come and take a look at you, but it
seems that you're in the pink of health. Was that knife as
thick as a needle?" How did I not think that the knife could
be the small kind we used to sharpen our pencils? Damn it...
"Oh, the knife." Lu Feng smiled, and started gesturing. "It
was a watermelon knife, around this long."
"Stop talking nonsense." I was getting agitated again.
Lu Feng blinked. "I'm not lying." He turned around and
showed me his right arm. There was indeed a thick gauze
on it with faint traces of blood. "It just didn't hit me in the
chest. That damned fat ass tried to attack me from behind,
but I had no time to avoid it, so I used my arm to block it
instead."
I sighed in relief, albeit still a little worried. "I-Is the wound
deep?"
"It's fine, my bones are unharmed." He took a look at his
arm and then looked at my pale face before smiling. "Don't
worry, it isn't serious. I'll be fine in a few days. I just can't go
back to school for a while. I can only afford detention, not
any more demerits. Father will kill me."
"As long as you're alright, then it's fine." I became
uncomfortable again when he started staring at me.
"Umm... your sister is pretty worried about you, so she
asked me to pay you a visit... to see.. if you were.. alright."
"My sister?" He snorted. "That nosy woman. I already told
her it was just a small cut on the arm. I knew she would
think too much... I just asked her to transfer some money
over to deal with the situation. I broke two machines in the
arcade and had to pay a hefty sum, that bastard still dared
to blackmail me ......"
In the past, we used to be able to talk nonstop, but now I
could hardly find two words in reply. "Rest well. ...I'll help
you take the next few days off when I go back...umm..."
"Huh?" He raised his eyebrows and looked at me.
"I'm leaving." Keeping in mind the resolution I made this
morning, I turned to leave, ready to open the door.
"Xiao Chen."
"..............."
"Since you're here, why don't you just accompany me
before you leave? We haven't talked in six days."
I guess you still have some conscience left in you to
remember that it had been six days.
I slowly moved over and took a seat.
He reached over to grab my shoulder with his left hand
and forcefully pulled me to his side. "Why are you sitting so
far away?"
"Is your arm still hurting?" Not knowing what would be an
appropriate reply, I tried finding something else to talk
about.
"It's okay... It's not hurting now."
"Of course," I said coldly. "Even becoming a ghost would
be an honour if you were to die for someone so pretty. It's
the school belle after all, getting stabbed by a knife for her
is nothing."
"I feel that getting stabbed is worth it too." He was honest.
I was furious, turning my head to avoid looking at him. "Be
careful in the future. Don't wave goodbye to your life by
pretending to be all heroic for some beauty."
He chuckled.
I was getting more frustrated, so I stood up. "Let that
campus belle take care of you instead, I'm leaving."
"Xiao Chen," he suddenly questioned, "are you jealous?"
 "Are you crazy?" As if I had been caught redhanded, I
jumped and pointed at him. "What you do for others is none
of my business! It's not as if I'm anyone special to you!"
He smiled, suddenly pulling me with an extended hand,
making me land straight on his lap.
"What's wrong with you?" I shoved the arm wrapped
around my waist away in embarrassment. "I'm not a girl,
stop touching me."
"Xiao Chen, I really think that this wound is worth it."
"I know I know, stop being a lovesick puppy." I was
annoyed. "Go away, don't get so close to me."
"If I didn't get injured, you wouldn't have come to look for
me, would you?"
I paused, taking in what he said before finally
understanding. My face was heating up. "We're friends after
all. If you die, I have to at least attend your funeral."
"Hey ........ don't give me this expression. It makes me
want to kiss you."
"You must have gone mad from thinking about women." I
slapped his hand away. "Let me go. Don't you find a man
sitting on your lap disgusting?"
That thick-skinned fellow hugged me tighter; I could feel
his soft and warm breath on the crown of my head. I
unknowingly tensed up, and without knowing the reason
why, I lowered my head, afraid to meet his eyes.
"Xiao Chen, let me see your face, I have something to say
to you."
"Hmm?" I looked up, unguarded.
My vision went blur. I could feel something soft and warm
on my lips.
My mind went blank.
With one hand supporting my head, he kissed me
passionately, his tongue slipping in, fighting against my
clenched teeth. Recovering slightly from the shock, I had the
chance to resist, but my jaw gave way, granting him
complete entrance. Once his tongue touched mine, I could
feel the energy drained out of me as I allowed myself to lie
helplessly in his arms. Lu Feng's tongue was warm and
fierce, the strength he used as he ferociously sucked on my
bottom lip was enough to make me feel a stinging
sensation. As the kiss got longer, it got deeper, leaving me
breathless.
Lu Feng suddenly released me and patted my pale face.
"Idiot, breathe!" I finally started taking in deep breaths of
air, shivering slightly while I was at it.
"You fool, you can breathe all the same when you're
kissing."
I was panting for quite some time before my heart calmed
itself down. "Lu Feng... This isn't right ........"
"Hmm?" He cupped my face and met my eyes.
"This isn't right," I stuttered, "It isn't right... I'm a man...
This...is wrong..."
"Shh..." Lu Feng hastily put a finger to his lips.
I remained silent, nervously looking at him.
"I like you." His expression and tone was not laced with
any hint of confusion.
"But ......"
The moment I opened my mouth, his lips immediately cut
me off.
This time, I was long gone before I could show the
slightest resistance.
Chapter Ten

Lu Feng told me to look for him again after I had thought

things through.
I could not think straight, so I did not visit him again for a
long time. I really was not planning on running away from
the matter, you have to believe me on that.
My attempts at doing some practice questions failed
terribly, and for the English comprehension which I usually
obtain full marks, I got five questions wrong yesterday. I was
heavily affected by this, dejectedly sitting down to evaluate
what exactly had resulted in my sudden drop in my
academics. Was it the lack of sleep that affected my brain
power? My sour mood resulting in a lowered analytical
ability? Or is it the pollution in the air that is causing a
severe lack of oxygen in everyone's brains?
It had nothing to do with that person, absolutely nothing
at all.
"Lu Feng, you're back!" Someone at the corridor loudly
greeted.
I was scared stiff, looking around frantically for a place to
hide. The closet? The box? The drawers?
As my thoughts ran wild, the door was pushed open with a
loud bang. I immediately resumed my position and
pretended that I was up and about with my usual work.
"Xiao Chen, I'm back." His voice sounded cheerful.
"Oh, um." I buried myself in the books and scribbled
something, pretending that I was too busy to even look up.
"Are you busy doing homework?"
"Um, yes."
"Then I won't bother you then."
 "Um, okay." I inwardly let out a sigh of relief.
"Xiao Chen, your book's upside down."
"What?" I hurriedly flipped the book over. Looking at it
again, huh? It's flipped... That meant I was not holding it the
wrong way round before.
The smile on Lu Feng's face disappeared. He placed his
bag down and sat at the edge of the bed.
"Come here."
I bit on my lower lip as I slowly made my way over.
"Sit down."
I obediently followed.
He habitually placed his arms over my shoulder, shocking
me as I shrunk in my seat.
"You're afraid of me?!"
Frightened, I shook my head vigorously.
Lu Feng furrowed his brows and grabbed me, making me
face him. "Look at me. I'll ask you some questions, and all
you have to do is answer yes or no."
I stared straight at him, not daring to move an inch.
"About what happened that day, do you feel disgusted?"
I shook my head.
"Are you happy being with me?" A nod.
"Are you happy that I have a girlfriend?" I shook my head.
"Were you worried when I was injured?" A nod.
"You like being around me, don't you?" A nod.
"You like being around me the most, don't you?" A nod.
He showed an extremely satisfied expression, his voice
softening, "Then, did you feel comfortable kissing me?"
I blushed a deep red.
"Say the truth."
After a long pause, I nodded my head slowly.
"That means... You like me too?"
After another long struggle, I finally nodded again.
"Then that's all that matters."
"Lu Feng," I awkwardly started, "I'm a man."
"Bullshit, anyone could see that."
 "A man liking another man... That's... weird."
"Are you saying I'm weird?"
"No, no..." I stuttered, "You're fine... But we're both
males..."
"Stop saying nonsense." He impatiently grabbed my jaw.
"We both like each other. So let's just get together, you
don't have to care so much about unnecessary details."
"Wh-who said I liked you?" Can you not make such strange
conclusions?
He forcefully lowered his head in search for my lips.
"No...Mm—"
"I like you, what's so wrong with that?" He said as his lips
moved closer to my ear.
There is, in fact, nothing wrong with that. That is why in
the end, I did not push him away.
Chapter Eleven

Putting aside moral issues, Lu Feng and I are blissfully in

love.
The intensity of my attraction to him far outweighs the
sense of shame of being homosexual. In the cover of night, I
would sneak into his bed, engaging in all forms of intimacy.
We could not even disguise our passionate gazes towards
each other in the midst of a crowd.
For two months of summer holidays, my longing for Lu
Feng reached an unbearable state. I dream of him almost
every night.... the content of the dreams too embarrassing
to talk about.
Under these unchecked emotions, I woke up one night
feeling wet and sticky on my lower half.
This has never happened to me before due to my belated
puberty. Even though I fully understood this change in my
body, the fact that the person who triggered this reaction in
my body was a guy by the name of Lu Feng made me
extremely embarrassed.
The night after, I confessed over the phone to Lu Feng
about it behind closed doors. His amused response made
me flare up, " How dare you laugh! It's all your fault for
entering my dreams and harassing me!"
" What did I do to harass you?"
"....... What do you think? Besides being a gangster?" I
replied with exasperation.
" Yes, yes, I'm a gangster." He laughed wickedly, before
his voice suddenly turned hoarse. " Xiao Chen, I want you so
much right now".
 I turned red, " I'll report you if you carry on with your
nonsense!"
" Be good, let me hug you."
" Alright, you can hug me." I can be generous with purely
lip service.
" I am hugging your waist now, oh.... it feels like it's
slimmer."
Fully knowing he was speaking nonsense, my stomach
nonetheless felt a warming sensation. " ........ It's summer, I
have become slimmer."
" I am touching your face now, it also feels slimmer....
lips.... ah.... don't bite your lips, relax your jaw, I am putting
my fingers in....."
I listened silently, heartbeats increasing frantically.
" I am.... going to kiss you now."
I shivered.
Subconsciously, my right hand started caressing my own
body under Lu Feng's coaxing, imagining it being his gentle
and hot touches, until it reached between my legs.
*
" Does that feel good?"
Gasping and feeling a bittersweet shame, I looked down at
the white semen in my hand.
" Why so shy..... is it your first time?"
"Mn." My face blushing again.
Lu Feng was silent for a while before I heard him starting
to pant. I bit my lips and held on tight to the phone. I could
not help feeling a rushing excitement as I guessed he was
doing the same as what I did.
As his breathing slowed down, I bravely asked the same: "
Does it feel good?"
He laughed out loud: " Yes. Doing it with Xiao Chen, of
course it feels great."
" Don't be so thick-skinned." What a shameless guy.
When his laughter died down, Lu Feng suddenly said: "
Cheng Yi Chen, I love you."
 In time to come, I were to realize that this straightforward
and unpretentious confession from Lu Feng, is more sincere
and precious than any sweet sayings.
That summer I had my fourteenth birthday. Before this
time of my life, I was as pure as a white sheet of blank
paper. Since then, the blemishes in my life are all imprinted
by Lu Feng.
As usual, I returned to school two days prior to school
reopening ( Yi Chen has totally lost hope in me as an older
brother who prefers being with his friends). Lu Feng came
back looking tanned as a charcoal. That sharply contrasted
with me who had hardly stepped out of the house, looking
no different from a white steamed chicken. Lu Feng was
extremely proud of his tan: " I got my tan after spending a
lot of money travelling to Hawaii. Do you dare not to admire
it?"
I gave a snort of contempt. However, seeing Lu Feng
looking so handsome and spirited, I could not help
swallowing my saliva several times without him noticing.
" Come, I'll let you get first dips on this muscular arms of
mine." Lu Feng boasted, " This is yours exclusively."
I spat out: " As thin as a bamboo, who cares."
This distorted description of those " thin as a bamboo"
arms then proceeded to lift me up effortlessly and threw me
onto the bed. Seeing him approach fully intent on giving a
wild kiss, I screamed for help.
Lu Feng was amused: " Before screaming, please release
these hands that are wrapped around my neck, will you?"
" Get lost!" Being exposed like that made me lose face.
Alone with him for two days, we entangled with each
other without a care in the world once the door of our dorm
room is closed. Strictly speaking, we were still fairly
innocent up until that time. Only venturing into kissing and
touching, not even attempting to help each other out with
our hands. I do not know how Lu Feng feels, but as for me,
just the thought of venturing deeper beyond such physical
affections is frightening.
Just the two of us, lying without tops on, chatting and
kissing away all day. The Lu Feng in my eyes right now is
handsome beyond comparison. I always felt that for such a
masculine male like him to be interested in a skinny boy like
me, instead of a girl, is as unbelievable as the quality of my
mom's cooking. Feeling absolutely filled with delight, I
fondled him up and down, and laid my body down on that
enviable hard chest of his.
Touching here, stroking there.
" Are you done with all the touching? Three hundred
dollars in total, thank you."
" You're so cheap."
" I gave you a discount because you are a VIP, you should
know what's good for you."
" Give this boss a better offer, buy one free one." I started
caressing more aggressively.
Lu Feng held on to my hands, and said with a serious
expression: " If you continue touching, I am going to turn
rascal."
" Don't pretend like you have never acted rascal."
Lu Feng laughed behind his teeth: " Good. I will let you see
what a real rascal is."
Holding on to my waist and with a burst of strength, he
flipped...... me on top of him.
I laughed out loud: " I didn't know being a rascal means
being pressed down below."
Lu Feng pulled down from my nape effectively cutting off
my laughter. Pressing onto his body, I could feel the rapid
heartbeat of his young and energetic heart. Knowing that it
is me who had got him so excited made me shiver.
Tongues entangled, his hands slide down on my back
rubbing my bottoms over thin clothes.
I trembled as I felt his hard erection pressing against my
own, making my entire body tense.
 The moment his hand slid in, tugging down my short
pants followed by my underwear, I started panting
vigorously. I held him tight not daring to make any
movements. It is the first time we were exposed completely
to each other, flesh on flesh. It felt like electricity was
passing through our bodies. Lu Feng's hands wildly held on
to my waist, rubbing himself onto my similarly engorged
erection. This action exploded into an unprecedented
excitement.
With his semen on my waist, we hugged each other
silently feeling a little awkward. A short time passed before
Lu Feng held me up to sit with my back facing him, reaching
over to hold me in his hand.
I have no one to compare Lu Feng's skills to, him being the
first lover of my life. Nonetheless, he could rile me up so
easily and it did not take long for me to surrender.
" Your endurance is so poor." He smiled wickedly. " Good
thing I will be your husband, otherwise you will never be
able to satisfy me."
" I was afraid your hands will get tired, that's why I made
it snappy. What did you think?" I stubbornly said.
" How is it?"
" What do you mean?"
" Compared to you doing it yourself, how is it?"
".........." I blushed deeply. " Only slightly better."
" Haha....." He let out a satisfied laugh and hugged me
tight.
" Hey........"
" Mn?"
" What are you..... again....!!"
He looked slightly embarrassed: " Holding on to my wife,
of course it will make me have lewd thoughts."
"......... I will help you."
" There's no need. " He acted nonchalant, " I'm afraid you
might make me impotent under your incompetent hands."
 " I'll make you impotent now!" I grabbed on to him
fiercely. Even though I was mentally prepared, that first
touch of his thick coursing shaft raised my heartbeats and
goosebumps all over my body.
" Let me know if it hurts." I said without any confidence,
and continued with my clumsy movements.
With effort, Lu Feng laughingly said: " Please, stop using
the same expression you used to eat KFC french fries to
conduct this business with me would you?"
" Shut up!" I yelled at him. " I am trying hard to please you
here! Stop nagging!"
Lu Feng stopped laughing, quietly looking down to see my
clumsy efforts to satisfy him. As he approaches his climax,
he bit down on my lower lips and kissed me deeply. When
he sucked my tongue, I could feel a numbness spread
through my brain.
" Do not stop with your hands." He said softly against my
lips. My lousy skills are further hampered by the distraction
of the kiss, yet he was beyond excited, resulting in a mess
all over our bodies.
Lu Feng used a soft cloth to wipe me clean, and then held
me tightly to him.
" Xiao Chen, do you love me?"
I nodded my head earnestly.
" We will be so happy together won't we?"
I nodded again.
" Shall we be together our whole life?"
I nodded even harder.
In this exceedingly sweet moment, I actually buried my
head in his chest and bawled my eyes out.
No one knows why.
Sometimes, adversity comes into our lives like the shadow
of a huge pair of wings on a bird. It may be far overhead in
the sky, yet its shadows casting over the ground is so near
and so real.
Chapter Twelve

The difference in our grades becomes all the more glaringly

obvious whenever the school ratings board came up. Seeing
our names on opposite ends of the list, Lu Feng snapped: "
Isn't it all because you sucked away all of my vitality?"
...... What a scumbag.
The class teacher observed that we were close and seek
me out for a chat. Summarised into two main points it would
be: 1, I have to be careful to maintain my grades and not let
Lu Feng drag me down. 2, school mates should help each
other out, particularly between the outstanding ones and
the ones who are not so.
Therefore during self study sessions, we would sit
together openly, head pressed against head, arms against
arms, and thighs against thighs, like a pair of conjoined
twins.
" I thought you have an American mother, why is your
English proficiency of such a terrible level?"
" I can speak English but I can't write it." He grudgingly
held up the test papers filled with red crosses, " Even if you
gave this test paper to my mom, she may not be able to
answer them either. Look at these questions, it is obviously
set up for for the sole purpose of stumbling us."
This guy's ability to talk crap and change subjects is
indeed of a talent of its own. Just two or three sentences in
and my head is in a spin. The whole afternoon past by with
us leisurely chatting away before I remembered I was placed
with a responsibility.
I informed him: " Lu Feng, it is the class teacher who
wanted me to help you."
 Lecherous thoughts passed through his head evident by
an evil grin: " Help me then."
The truth is, we have not been intimate in a long time.
The dorm and classrooms are constantly crowded with eyes
everywhere. At most, under the pretense of 'tuition', we
were able to link our fingers together under the table. As a
result, we became exceedingly familiar with the structure of
each other's hands. He would use his thumb to massage the
palm of my hands, to the knuckles and to the finger tips,
ever so gently.
I was never able to forget this simple tender act.
Being deprived for so long, the desperate looks we gave
each other is as if one is unfed and unclothed. One day, as I
was leaving the head teacher's office after collecting a
bunch of worksheets, he happened to be there too as I
exited into the corridor. It was normal class hours therefore
it was empty. That daring guy actually grabbed me straight
into a long kiss. As a result of his impulse, I had to spend a
long time picking up those worksheets scattered on the floor
and yet managed to lose three of them.
I woke up early on a Saturday morning out of habit.
Standing next to his bed while bending over to tie my
shoelaces, he grabbed me by the waist fully taking
advantage of my vulnerable position. I almost let out a
scream from fright and slapped his hands away, warning
him that someone else is also awake.
Instead Lu Feng tugged harder: " Don't go out to study
today. Stay in the dorm with me."
" Doesn't Fatty stay in the dorm all day? There's nothing
we can do with him around."
" Xiao Chen, shall we go to my house?"
" What? You want to introduce me to my future in laws?"
" No.... my dad went to the States, there are no one at
home."
I blushed from the obvious hints as to what he wants,
however the thoughts of being able to be alone with him
suppressed all other doubts. I took out all the books meant
for revision in my bag and was about to leave with just an
empty bag for shows when he simply stuffed his wallet and
keys in and with empty hands, swayed out without a care in
the world.
Lu Feng's house is only a 1.5 hours journey on the
highway. This means that we have a total of 37 hours of
freedom until the dorm gates closes at 11pm on Sunday
evening.
37 hours is not a long time. Every minutes and seconds
count. As soon as the front door is closed, we eagerly
pressed our faces together resulting in us knocking our
teeth out. My lips felt numb from the pain, this seems so
awkward.
" No way, let's try it again."
I have not had the chance to laugh before I was pulled
into a deep kiss. Ah..... there's biting...... so fierce, my lips
will tear..... hey, no sucking..... oh no, I'm starting to feel
dizzy......
" Let's go into my room." Lu Feng said in a deep voice, his
breaths sounding hurried.
" What for?"
" Just take a look around."
It did started out as taking a look around, looking here
looking there and before we know it we have rolled
ourselves onto the bed.
" You are so heavy, don't lean all your weight on me....
ah.... you are pressing all the air out of my body, I can't
even breathe......"
" It's ok, I'll perform CPR on you......"
..............................
" I can't do it, let go, argh........"
" Wanna go again?"
"Humans need to rest. How is it possible to keep going
non-stop?"
" Well, I can. Come......."
 ".......... I'm so hungry........."
" Call for food delivery. ........ after eating we can
continue."
"......................"
Putting my pride as a man aside, I have to confess that
my endurance vastly pales in comparison with that dude
possessing the libido of a dragon and strength of a tiger.
Being young and virile, his needs are far greater than mine.
" That's enough." I dug in deeper on the soft mattress into
a slumber.
" Aren't you too useless, " Lu Feng looked at my colorless
appearance, " dinner has gone to waste in you."
" People like me with high intelligence usually exercises
with the brain and not the body, this sort of heavy physical
activities, I cannot do so much."
" You call this heavy physical activity? Is my thing really
that heavy?"
" Even a pervert have to know his limits........ hey, stop
fooling around...... I'm so tired....... "
" Just one more time."
I gritted my teeth: " Settle it yourself! My hands are
breaking! Anymore and my hands will become disabled and
I will have to be rely on my toes to write........"
" Hands aching. Poor thing. " What a pretender. It is all
thanks to you.
He massaged my hands under the blanket and feeling so
comfortable, I forgot to be angry at him.
" Xiao Chen."
"Eh?" The palms to the wrists to the arms...... ah......
nice...... use more strength........ I relaxed my entire self and
was just getting ready to sleep contentedly.
" I want you."
" You already had me." I replied in a daze. " Why so
polite?"
" Not the same way as how we did it," he smiled, " I want
to hold you."
 "............." I opened an eye and asked in a blur. " Hold.....
how do you mean?"
I always thought that the 'ultimate' was using the mouth.
Chapter Thirteen

" Not the same way as how we did it," he smiled, " I want to
hold you."
"............." I opened an eye and asked in a blur. " What do
you mean?"
I always thought that the ultimate was using the mouth.
" It's ok I'll teach you. " As if to bribe me into gulping down
a love potion, Lu Feng executed his expertise level in
kissing, leaving me in a delirious high.
As I land into a stupor, a certain area in my body which
has never seen the light of day suddenly felt a stabbing
pain.
" Ouch! " I struggled against this unexpected
development, " What's that? It hurts...... take it out......"
" Don't be scared." He smiled seductively, " It's just my
finger for now."
I finally comprehend what that imply. " No, no..... I don't
want that, take it out quickly......"
" Don't be nervous, it will not hurt after I apply some
lubricant, and I will go slow."
" NO! " I stubbornly proclaimed. " Absolutely not...... I'm
not doing it anymore. Let me go."
At the end of the day, I am still a normal man, possessing
my full faculties, why would I be willing..... to be penetrated.
Think about it, it was not a bodily part constructed to
accommodate such an oversized tool.
" Xiao Chen." Lu Feng slowly twisted his eyebrows.
I can tell he was displeased, and tried my best to make
amends: " Let us discuss about this another time...... I will
use my mouth for you today OK? " I was scared out of my
wits, just the thought of that process is akin to being
murdered.
" What are you afraid of ?"
" I ........." How could I not be afraid, if it was you getting
fucked, you would be afraid too.
Lu Feng pressed down on me, covered my mouth, his
hand sliding down my back and his finger forcefully invaded
me.
" No......" I shake my head helplessly, " Let's try this
another day. Give me some time to prepare myself."
"You are really full of useless talk." In his current state of
arousal, his strength could barely be contained and my
whole body stiffened from his finger assault. I bore with it
and did not push him away.
He added in another finger, my eyes almost filled up with
tears: " Please stop this, Lu Feng, I really can't..... it hurts."
" It will be alright. Just bear with it for a while."
I bit down on my lips and did not say another word.
How can it be..... alright.
A swift sensation of coldness, and it was him squeezing on
some lubricant. This so-called lubricant turned out to be of
barely any help besides providing some coolness.
My thighs were being adjusted into a humiliating posture
bent over my chest.
I was as rigid as a wooden puppet.
How is this different from being raped？
I turned my head to the side in an unnatural position to
avoid making eye contact with him. This horrifying feeling
reminded me of the dread facing a child who has just had a
swab of alcohol on his arm awaiting for the imminent stab of
the needle.
Even inching in with minimal effort made me tremble with
pain, no way..... it is never going to fit. Moreover, this sort of
intimacy depraved of any affection and interaction is not
something I crave........
 It went further in and I could bear it no longer and started
resisting: " No more! Stop it, stop ! Lu Feng............"
" What's wrong with you now?" He obviously did not feel
good holding it back too, his expression steeped in
frustration, he bent my legs further.
" I can't." Blinded with pain, I started shoving and hitting
at him randomly.
" Be good, stop fooling around !"
He was apparently furious.
I took in a deep breath, kept my mouth shut and stopped
'fooling around'.
What beautiful, what pleasure, what intoxicating, they are
all lies. You said you liked me, you said you cared for me.....
those are also lies.
In, out, in, out..... I can only feel two types of sensation,
one is pain, the other is also pain.
I could only stare at the ceiling in a haze.
After experiencing every threshold of pain, it is finally
over. Lu Feng pulled out with satisfaction, lying next to me
panting heavily, one arm still wrapped around me.
My mind was in a blank for a while, then I came to a
realization that I had just gone through the initiation of
homosexual sex. I turned around to look at Lu Feng, his eyes
closed looking completely spent. He did not appear to have
noticed....... that I did not even......... had an erection once.
I turned back around, buried my face into the pillow, and
just wish to fall asleep.
" What's wrong?"
I shook my head in silence.
" Why aren't you talking?"
"................." What do you expect me to say. Neither a
leisure chat nor a serious discussion do I have the energy
for.
"You're unhappy?" His voice turned harsh.
" I am not." I replied slowly.
" Why?"
 ".................."
" Are you unhappy with what we did? " He raised his hand
to turn my face, continuing with unconcealed anger, " Are
you unwilling to sleep with me?"
" No, it's not that." I braced myself. I like him, I do not
want to fight with him, I do not want him to be mad at me.
Lu Feng looked at me coldly for a long time: " If you feel
that you had been violated, you can jolly well make a report
to the police."
I almost choked.
" Take a mirror and look at yourself, what sort of
expression is that on your face? !" Lu Feng sat up and
flipped the covers over, " If you are so unwilling to have sex
with me, then we might as well not be together anymore."
The air suddenly turned icy.
The precious thirty seven hours of just me and him time
was supposed to be something that could not replaced with
pure gold. It has now been abruptly reduced to just twelve
hours.
The remaining hours now seemed like an intolerable
eternity.
I spoke to his back, " How about.... I'm thinking, maybe I
should just head back to school first........"
" Up to you." He did not even turn his head around.
I could only get out of bed, put on my clothes, retrieve my
bag from the living hall and open the door.
Walking is making my poor butt feel worse. I was only just
able to make it from the Lu's mansion to the auto station.
Standing in front of the ticketing counter, I searched through
my bag for a long time before I realized that I did not bring
enough money for a ticket.
Embarrassingly, I left and settled myself onto the benches
at the waiting booth. Feeling a little cold, I hugged myself
tightly.
I would rather die than return to find Lu Feng for a loan.
 No money and no means for a ride, I felt completely at a
loss.
Why could he not be a little more considerate to my
feelings? No matter what, I am still a guy. I do like him, but I
still retain the basic pride belonging to a male species.
Could I not be allowed to even have a moment of hesitation
before I completely cast off my dignity as a man?
Just because the time I took to cast it away was a little
longer has caused him to be so annoyed.
Who on earth does that....... ousting a lover whom you just
made love to into the middle of a winter night.
I rubbed my eyes, wrapped my legs up for warmth. There
are not many travelers late at night, the lady at the counter
gave me a once over with curiosity.
What is so unusual ....... have you never seen a boy cry?
I lowered my head, nose sniffing miserably. It is cold
indeed.
Chapter Fourteen

Someone charged into the station.

" Give me a ticket to XX, the very next departure!"
Gasping rapidly, he spoke in a hurried tone.
I raised my head in astonishment and saw a person bent
over with his face pressing against the ticketing window.
" Do you want to get the 10.40pm ticket?"
"10.40........" He spun his head around locating for the
clock, but found me instead.
" No need."
Watching him stroll over, I tugged my legs back
involuntarily.
" Why did you not head back, what are you doing sitting
here?" He did not reveal much expressions.
" Not enough......... money." I felt an acute sense of
distress.
Lu Feng's face turned cold: " You would rather sit here all
night than to come back to look for me? You really see me
as a criminal?!"
I swiftly picked up my bag and walked away, he grabbed
on to my arm: " Where are you going?!"
" None of your concern!" I choked, " It's not as if you care
about how I feel anyway.........."
The ticketing lady's curiosity was further piqued and she
glanced over eagerly. Lu Feng kept a death grip on my wrist
and half pushed half shoved me out of the station.
" Go back with me!"
" No!"
He gritted his teeth and stared: " Are you going or not
going back?"
 " I'm not going back!" Everything that I have kept bottled
up all night was threatening to spill over. I thrust at him
blindly, " Get lost, go! You bastard, all your talks of love are
all bullshit, you only care about yourself...... never sparing a
thought for me! You cannot even be bothered to ask me
how I feel. That's right, I am unwilling, why should I for no
reason become a gay? I am a normal man why should I get
fucked? If it isn't because I like you, why would I degrade
myself..... why do I have to..... become..... a freak......."
There were no passerby. In the empty streets, I yelled
unreservedly.
He..... simply cannot imagine how much pressure I had to
put up with for the sake of this relationship. For a straight
guy up until fourteen years of age, to become homosexual,
all that that entails, how could he ever understand? The
constant fear of becoming headline news, being scolded as
a faggot, looked down upon, being discovered by my
conservative parents and brother, fear of.......... the
possibility of contracting AIDS............ fear of not being able
to continue living as a normal human being on this earth,
has he ever thought to care about me facing all these?
I am not like him. He is Lu Feng, I am Cheng Yi Chen.
Given the most disciplined education, brought up by the
most conservative family has produced the most fragile me.
Where do I obtain so much courage, if it is not because I
love him..... if it is not because...... I want to be with
him............
I was incoherent between sobs, until Lu Feng pulled me
into his arms locking in my struggles and cries.
" Good boy, don't be afraid. " My head pressed against his
chest, I could hear his deep heartbeats. His voice sounded
vague since his tongue was wounded by the resistance I put
up, " I am here. Don't be afraid."
He is lying.
However..... I chose to believe him.
" Go back with me, OK?"
 I lowered my swollen eyes.
" Does it hurt to walk? I'll carry you. " Lu Feng has always
carried me with the casual manner of picking up a sack. This
time however, he walked purposefully and steadily. I lean on
his broad back, just able to make out the right profile of his
handsome face.
My heart feels drained but gradually at peace.
" Xiao Chen."
I listened quietly.
" Everyone wants to do it with the person he likes, I am no
different...... I ....... can't hold myself back. Doing it with you
is so pleasurable and so satisfying...... I only hope that you
can feel as blissful as me........ however when you had that
sort of reaction......."
" But..... I am sorry." He stumbled, " ................ I love you."
He tilted his head slightly to the right, seemingly
ashamed.
" I don't mean to force you, and certainly do not want to
hurt you, I just..... like you so much, losing control like
this........." After being silent for a long time he tossed his
head, " Fuck........ I am not good at talking, just forget what I
said."
I put my head on his shoulder, and held on to his neck
tighter.
On that velvety tranquil night, Lu Feng carried me on his
back, walking along slowly, along came a gentle breeze, the
warmth emitted from his body, unknown insects calling out
a serenade.
This picture imprinted in my heart manifests itself as
dreams oftentimes on nights when the overpowering sense
of loneliness overtakes me.
Chapter Fifteen

In retrospect, we were indeed truly in love with each other.

Being in a naive phase of our teenage life, we were ill
equipped to handle such an intense and dense love. That
was why we were always feeling uptight. Clueless as to how
we could secure a forever together. Everything that we are
able to do, we have done it, even engaging in homosexual
sex. We needed something concrete to solidify our promise
to each other. Even something abstract may provide us
some assurance.
Our English language teacher was to hold her wedding in
a church near our school. Everyone were super elated,
arriving very early to pack the church to its rim, hoping to
catch a glimpse of the beautiful bride. Lu Feng dallied so we
had to settle with standing right at the back near the doors.
It can be considered a blessing in disguise as we were
able to avoid the eyes of the crowd. Lu Feng held my hand
secretly. Whenever we hold hands, our ten fingers are
intertwined tightly together allowing no space in between
our palms.
Much later I came to a discernment that much like body
language, the hands speak a language of their own. The
temperature of the hands, the strength of the fingers, the
positioning of the palms represents a lot. Our need to keep
everything under wraps unlike other normal couples, has
culminated in us being especially sensitive towards each
other's affection.
" Mr XXX, would you take Miss XXX to be your lawfully
wedded wife？"
Lu Feng squeezed my hand and softly said: " I do. "
 I too replied along with the bride: " I do."
It might seem so foolish and childish, but we were ever so
serious.
Lu Feng held on to my hand with all his might.
Knowing that we will never have our own wedding, we
could only pilfer the happiness belonging to others.
The bride and groom exchanged rings, but we had nothing
like that on us. Lu Feng kept on rubbing on my ring finger,
pinching it so intensely I almost had teary eyes.
Everything that occurred from then on happened so fast
that we were caught totally unprepared.
T High School has an exemplary chemical faculty not only
in its students but particularly in the form of its park which
provides a much needed shelter for young couples in love.
The school has a ban on dating on school camps, so not
surprisingly, this goes unheeded repeatedly in this area.
On a relatively warm night, Lu Feng brought me discreetly
to the field, found a large and dense tree with flowery
bushes all over, and sat me down there.
" Well." An unusually awkward Lu Feng was stumbling all
over his words. " I have something for you."
He searched for it in the inside of his jacket, his expression
maintained some coolness but soon disintegrated into a hint
of embarrassment just as his hand came out of his pocket.
" What kind of good stuff."
" It's not any good stuff." He forced himself to remain
steady, " It's not worth much money.......... take a look, it's
ok if you don't like it."
I glared at him : " You are wrapping it so tightly in your fist
how am I going to see what it is."
Lu Feng let out a small yelp and opened his fist. It is so
rare to see him lose that self-assured composure that I am
quite enjoying this refreshing change. I stretched my head
out for a closer look, under the dim street lights, I made out
a pair of silvery white pair of rings lying on the palm of his
hand.
 Lu Feng coughed ： " It is made of silver, inexpensive. If
you find it suitable just put one on."
Seeing my inaction, he coughed again, speaking in a
nonchalant manner: " If you don't like it just leave it. I
bought it for fun. I also feel that the design is too outdated.
That old silversmith has such poor eyesight and bad skills,
probably not too smart as well, after requesting several
times for a pair of man-styled rings did he finally
understood, useless..........."
Mumbling to himself and not receiving any response, Lu
Feng finally closed his mouth and pulled his hand away
awkwardly.
" Lu Feng." I called out to him very softly.
" What." I could tell he sounded displeased.
I threw myself around his waist and buried my head deep
inside his arms.
Teary and stuffy nose, I did not want him to see me being
so ugly.
" What's wrong?" His voice becoming gentle, he stroked
my head.
" I love you."
He stopped the movements of his hands to cup my face
smudged with tears and raised my head up. " Silly, why are
you crying! So ugly, are you still a man?"
My shoulders were heaving with sobs, completely unable
to stop.
" Such a crybaby." Lu Feng lowered his voice, pressed his
forehead against mine and whispered to me eye to eye, " So
silly. I like you...... I like Cheng Yi Chen....... Lu Feng loves
Cheng Yi Chen.........
What's there to cry about? I like you so much......... "
The ring fits perfectly on my finger, it feels icy cold on my
skin, I squeezed it tightly on my finger: " Lu Feng, if there
comes a day you don't want me anymore, please don't ask
for the ring back, I can pay you for it, but just please don't
take the ring back......"
His lips pressed down hard on mine, cutting me off.
I clenched my teeth, trembling slightly.
" Silly, still crying! Be good, don't bite on your teeth so
hard...... " he coaxed and coerced me into loosening my jaw,
" I like you so very much...... I want to be with you
always........."
I grabbed onto his shoulders with fervor as I immersed
myself in this soul-consuming kiss that no one else would
once again be able to give me.
The beam from a torch shined on us, Lu Feng wrapped my
head into his chest before I could even let out any sounds of
surprise.
Chapter Sixteen

" Another couple!" The disciplinary master exclaimed, "

Outrageous, kids these days are more interested in dating
than studying! How are you going to get a place in college
this way!"
My heart was beating like a drum, hands and feet turned
icy cold.
" Lu Feng, move your hands away, there's no point trying
to block, you will both be reported!"
Lu Feng did not give up on trying to hide my face: " This
has nothing to do with him, I forced him into it...... just book
me double demerits."
Him and her sounds the same in Chinese language, how
conveniently imprecise.
That irked the disciplinary master and he shouted in fury:
" Stop trying to be a hero! Girl, please raise your head! How
many times have warnings been issued on this no-dating
rule, raise your head now!"
Lu Feng stubbornly sheltered me with his arms, I feel bad
that he had to defend me as if his own life is on the line.
The piercing light of the torch eventually exposed me.
The surrounding air fell into dead silence.
If I were in any mood to have a sense of humor, I would
have laughed at the comical expression on the disciplinary
master.
They were hard pressed to come up with a course of
discipline, as there were no precedence on same sex dating.
Those old fashioned and conservative disciplinary fellows
was in a dilemma having had no experience in such
matters.
 We would not be able to get away with it this time no
matter how liberal or lenient they decided to be. Informing
the parents was unavoidable. As for Lu Feng's father, we
could only guess what his reaction might be, as for my
father, I am very certain he would never let me off easy.
Before our parents made their way down, the school had
no idea how to deal with us. Leaving us to return to the
boys' dormitory may cause alarm and chaos, going to the
girls' dormitory was simply out of the question. In the midst
of this confusion, Lu Feng took me out of the school.
We found a pub and went in for a rest, Lu Feng started
drinking in silence, hanging on to my hand not letting go of
me. We were both startled beyond comprehension at this
impending disaster, but he remained steadier than me.
" I will not allow you to get expelled from school. " when
he spoke those words, his expression was so determined yet
optimistic, " If they ask, just say that I forced you into this.
At worst, I will transfer to another school. I can always sneak
over to see you whenever I get the chance. It will be alright,
we will just endure for another year and a half, then we can
be free to be together in college."
Of course I was aware that he was only trying to comfort
me, but who would have been so hard-hearted as to expose
such white lies.
" Don't cry anymore, as long as my dad doesn't kill me,
we will have the chance to see each other again, am I
right?"
I rubbed my tears away and summoned all my confidence
to reveal a smile.
" Isn't this Lu Feng, holding hands with a boy, are you
disgusting or what?"
Lu Feng raised his head and glared at the person talking
with loathing. This person had a gang of delinquents behind
him.
I know this person too, being the gang leader at K high
school, by the name of Yang Wei, a ridiculous name fitting a
ridiculous person.
" What's with that stare? Pissed off? You wanna fight, just
come, did you think that a weak faggot like yourself would
scared me?"
I heard Lu Feng cracking his knuckles.
If he had provoked Lu Feng in an one on one situation, he
would have been pounded until he had to retrieve all his
teeth from the floor. Taking advantage of the fact that
numbers are on his side, his cowardly mouth had become
complete trash.
" Lu Feng, let's go." I think he understood the situation we
were in was already extremely dire, to add another degree
of physical altercation to it would be akin to adding fuel on
fire.
Yang Wei evaluated me from head to toe and said with
contempt in his eyes: "Lu Feng, this is the gay you are
messing around with? So skinny what's there to play with.
Where do you play him? His dick?"
I did not react fast enough to hold back Lu Feng, and could
only see his fist punch out in a flash. The muscles on Yang
Wei's face collapsed in a laughable way, morphing into a
bloody mess.
" Good, good! You have the guts." Yang Wei gritted his
teeth and made a hand gesture, " You guys, beat the living
daylights out of these two!"
Everyone in the pub scattered away like flies, even the
boss went into hiding. The group of delinquents surrounded
Lu Feng punching and kicking. I am useless in fights, and
could not help him at all, almost mad with anxiety I made an
escape eyeing the telephone placed on a stage.
" Are you trying to call the police, that would be useless."
Yang Wei held onto my wrist, " You seem to be very
concerned about him, does Lu Feng do you so good that you
are addicted to it?"
" Shut up you motherfucker!" This must be the first time I
used such strong vulgarities on someone, indeed gratifying.
Yang Wei's expression changed and he grabbed onto me: "
I'll strip you naked, and see if you can still talk shit!"
" You sick son of a bitch!"
" I want to see if you are any different from a man, maybe
you are a transsexual ? If Lu Feng can do you, why can't I?"
" Fuck off!" I completely lost it when he pulled on my
clothes, " Get lost, take your hands away from me...... you
beast, let go!"
He smiled with a perverse glee, reaching out to remove
my pants.
" Lu Feng, Lu Feng!! I madly struggled, " No, Lu Feng!!"
I must have gone mad with shock to have called Lu Feng
in such a desperate tone. If I can turn back time, I would
never have made any noise. Yang Wei was clearly only
trying to aggravate us, he would not have literally done
anything. Even if he had indeed assaulted me, I should not
have alarmed Lu Feng. I did not realize how scared I must
have sounded to him at that time.
The sound of a loud crash followed the sight of a beer
bottle shattering. One moment Yang Wei was pressing down
on me and the next moment he was pulled up by the collar,
head covered with beer foam and glass bits.
" You fucking dare to hit me?! Watch me rape this little
faggot........."
Lu Feng's red rimmed eyes took one look at my
disheveled clothes , and a primal expression unfolded on his
face.
I heard a stabbing sound, and saw blood spilling out of
Yang Wei's abdomen.
Yang Wei gurgled in his throat for a while, and fell flat on
his back.
Screams exploded everywhere. Those little gangsters
turned green from shock, blindly yelling: " Murder! Someone
is killed! Murder!"
Lu Feng was still holding the broken bottle covered with
blood, his face cold as metal. He looked at me, and I looked
back at him. Both faces filled with absolute helplessness.
That was in the year 1998. I was fifteen, Lu Feng was
nineteen. The things we had to bear at that age far
exceeded our capabilities to.
Chapter Seventeen

The dust finally settled with Lu Feng shouldering all

responsibilites, resulting in him getting expelled from school
and me getting away scot-free. Yang Wei's injuries were not
fatal, mitigating the situation. The charge was reduced to
assault with intent to injure, adding on an indecent
association with a minor. He was an adult, whereas I was
not. The law determined that a fifteen year old is incapable
of judging their own feelings, and thereby susceptible to
seduction.
I lost a grip on myself, practically biting and clawing at
anyone who tried to investigate deeper into this matter,
crazily attacking everybody including my parents and even
my brother Yi Chen. I hate their dirty outlook on our
situation. Do you all not grow eyes on your head? Can you
all not see that we are in love ?!
Why is same sex love so abnormal? Who is the one to set
the rule that this type of love is unsavory?
Imprisoned at home for three whole days, the previously
sensible and ever-obedient kid Cheng Yi Chen faded away.
I became a degenerate in my parents' eyes. Fallen from
grace, from being the pride of the family to an abominable
humiliation. Even my own brother hid from me. Trapped
inside a tiny house, I could only shudder in misery, with no
rights to speak my mind – People like us can only be a
laughingstock if we tried to express our grievances.
I might not know how Lu Feng was faring, but I know the
trouble he got into far exceeded the level of tolerance his
father could afford him. The last time we saw each other
was at the school administrative office. His high profiled
father reluctantly apologized to the teachers and my
parents stiffly while giving Lu Feng the death stare the
entire time. I could read what was going on in his mind: It's
my fault for being overly lax on you, pampering you so
much that you have lost all fears, even turning into a gay,
and attempting murder!
I could feel the agony of the rod landing on Lu Feng's back
as if it was on mine.
However I had no way of seeing how he was.
Yi Cheng secretly opened the lock on the outside. I was
slouched in the corner of the room, gazing at him half-
consciously. I must have looked shocking as Yi Chen teared
up immediately upon seeing me.
" Brother.........."
" Please let me out." I had lost count on how many times I
have pleaded him.
Yi Chen displayed a reaction contrary to his usual resolute
stance and anxious head-shaking. His small single eyelids
turned into a thin line of anger and hatred: " You still want to
see him?! That pervert, he is the one who caused you to
become like this, you are still thinking of him?!"
Yi Chen was the same as father and mother, completely
becoming strangers to me. In an instance treating me and
Lu Feng as aliens.
They did not even dare to speak the name " Lu Feng"
anymore.
" You can give up now." He spat out in anger, " He is
leaving for the States , never coming back."
I widened my eyes, a humming noise in my ears.
" How can this be a surprise!" I could not determine from
Yi Chen's eyes whether he was expressing sympathy or
outrage, " He would already be in jail now if not for his
family's money and influence. It is only a matter of time he
leaves the country to escape the heat."
I stood up in a daze, and dashed towards the door. Yi Chen
swiftly turned around and kicked the door close, his strength
exceeding mine in my current state as he fought me to the
floor: " Mom and Dad told me to watch over you, so just give
up now and stop thinking about him!"
My tears flowed in large droplets landing on the floor.
Yi Chen turned his head away to avoid looking at me: "
Brother, don't be like this, that guy is a pervert, there is
nothing good about him. What you had with him is not
normal. Now that he is gone, you can live a normal life
again......."
I slapped him squarely across the face.
I have never once hit my little brother, even in childhood.
Our eyes met in mutual disbelief.
Yi Chen gave me a hard shove, stood up and walked away.
I was left with this last meager hope, there was no way I
could give it up.
At the very last second as he was about to close the door,
I rushed forward and kneeled down before him.
" Brother!" Yi Chen exclaimed in both shock and dismay, "
Why are you doing this for that kind of person......."
" Yi Chen...... all I ask is to see him one last time, just one
look, Yi Chen........... I'm begging you............. Yi Chen."
" There is no point in seeing him, he will still leave." Yi
Chen bit down on his teeth.
" Please I beg you." I am at a loss to come up with fancy
words to touch his heart, repeating those words again and
again.
" Stop crying! Stop crying for that guy!" Yi Chen gritted his
teeth, his own eyes turning red, " It's useless now, you are
too late."
"Yi Chen, Yi Chen............."
My wretched state is a form of torture to his eyes, I am
aware of that, but I could not help myself at all.
My little brother bellowed out a curse, threw his wallet in
front of me, spun around and stormed away. He slammed
the doors of his room.
 I raced to the airport in a cab, with no regards to the
extravagant cost of the ride, not even caring if the amount
of money in the wallet would be enough. I threw all the
money in the wallet to the driver, and jumped out racing
straight to the departure hall.
Yi Chen was right, it was indeed too late.
" Lu Feng, Lu Feng! " I never knew myself capable of
producing such a woeful sound, " Lu Feng, Lu Feng!!! "
Everyone peered at me with surprise and pity.
" Lu Feng, Lu........... Feng........" I only wished he could
hear me. I only wished I could be in time for him to turn
around and give me one more glance.
But no.
There is no miracle.
The fictional characters in novels and movies are always
granted the mercy of having one last look, sometimes even
missing the flight. The reality bestowed upon a real living
person is however, too cruel.
Chapter Eighteen

I sat down in a daze, bent over hugging my head.

I remained in that posture for an unknown amount of time,
until I felt someone tugging on me.
" Brother."
I was practically defenseless when he locked me in a deep
hug.
Yi Chen's arms sheltered my shamefully tear smudged
face from any prying eyes: " Let us go home."
I buried my head in his chest. He will never understand
the relationship I have with Lu Feng, but he will
always........... love me.
In the end I had a school transfer. The boys put on a great
display of exaggerated panic whenever they spot me in the
washroom or bathroom. Upon my appearance, they would
scatter like pigeons in a second. They behaved like they
were all terrified to be coveted by me. I laughed coldly in
my heart, it does not mean that gays would desire any man.
Based on the standard of those people, I would not even
spare them an eye. They looked down on me while I do not
look too highly upon them either.
If I chose not to leave, it would have been awkward for
everybody.
I moved to a school a good distance away. The
opportunities for advancement there are lower, but that is
no longer a priority. More importantly no one knew me
there, so there were no more speculations and finger
pointing. The general attitude towards me at home
remained distant and cold, besides living expenses, they did
not send me any personal letters. Yi Chen was the only one
who would write to me secretly and made phone calls to
me.
I remained steadfast in my letters to Lu Feng. His postal
address was given to me by Yi Chen who admitted to me
that Lu Feng met up with him in school and pleaded with
him to pass on the address and the news that he would be
leaving soon to me. As Yi Chen handed me the thin piece of
paper, his face displayed a subtle trace of guilt. That sense
of guilt is no doubt amplified when he agreed to steal any
letters sent to me by Lu Feng away from my parents' grasp.
There were no other reasons he would be willing to commit
those treacherous acts besides purely out of love for me and
it had perhaps reached the limit of his generosity. There are
nothing more I could have ask of him.
I did not receive a single letter back from Lu Feng.
That did nothing to stop my persistence in writing to him,
until one day I received a return letter.
That was the most recent letter I sent, indicating that the
recipient is no longer residing in the address given.
I hugged that letter and wept inconsolably all night.
I know in my heart, that Lu Feng is never coming back.
The days that carried on without Lu Feng can be described
with just a few strokes of the pen. In reality, those years
went by in a blur. Cheng Yi Chen returned back to the old
Cheng Yi Chen, an exemplary rule-abiding youth.
Easy going and peace loving.
As time elapsed, I know that something was slipping away
from my being, but I could not pinpoint exactly what it is.
My relationship with my parents turned for the better after
I enrolled myself in a major university far away from home.
Perhaps the sudden realization that their eldest would be
leaving them soon, compounded with the sight of me
lugging a heavy baggage headed for the bus terminal
triggered the affection in their heart. My strict parents finally
called me to persuade me to return home during the long
holidays, and not to hang around with undesirable friends.
 Those so called 'undesirable friends' I indeed did not get
myself involved with, however the girlfriend that they were
waiting for did not appear either. During the holidays, the
panic which ensued from a phone call meant for me are
usually triggered by a male voice. When it was a girl they
would sigh with relief.
I never mentioned Lu Feng again, and never again
revealed any hint that I miss him. It was as if the affair that
went on for more than a year was simply a misdemeanor
that went out of hand.
The tiny silver ring hanging on a thread around my neck,
nestled upon my heart was my constant reminder that I
have never once forgotten. It has lost its shine due to the
constant skin contact and as time passed, it has turned into
an ash colour.
I do not want to remember him either, this sort of longing
with no future and no ending in sight brings immeasurable
pain.
I just, cannot forget.
While I was in my senior year, Yi Chen entered university
too. He might not say it out loud, but I knew that he worked
hard to be able to join me in this city. Even though he was
upset that he did not achieve the grades required to enter
my university, he soon cheered up when he could enter one
that is situated just a street away from mine.
Yi Chen was much more naive and child-like than me –
whoever went through the life-changing experiences that I
did would naturally mature quicker than most – and yet he
was adamant that I am the one who needed protection and
care. I could only guess that the time I knelt down helplessly
before him had traumatized him, leaving him an
unforgettable impression.
I know deep down inside that he is good to me, I love him
too. The love between your own flesh and blood is
irreplaceable. However, my sexual orientation will always be
a bone of contention between us. It is such that it cannot be
mentioned, but also cannot be concealed. This inconvenient
truth would occasionally peek its head out to spoil the
mood.
Though remaining close with Yi Chen, things could never
be the same as before; that was why even though I live
alone in a rented apartment, I refused to share the
accommodation with him, leaving him with no choice but to
stay in an apartment by himself two blocks away. The
proximity is comforting, but the distance is there.
Yi Chen resembles me so much day by day, looking at him
is like looking into the mirror. The same olive-shaped eyes
slightly lifted at the end, the same delicate and smooth skin,
the same thin upper and thick lower lips, the same lengthy
hair, and even the same thin slender body. Of course, we
are still very dissimilar. He looks so beautiful and carefree
while I, I was perhaps just like him, but that was many years
ago.
I was smoothly promoted to senior year, though not active
among my circle of peers, given my excellent grades, I was
considered not buried in obscurity. In any case, everything
can be said to turn out fairly uneventful. No one had a clue
about my unusual sexual preference, mainly because I had
neither the desire nor the courage to pursue a boyfriend. To
claim that a healthy twenty year old man has no sexual
needs, no one would believe, but I entered a state of near
abstinence. I suspect that I have an insurmountable barrier
in my heart.
That barrier has a name, and that name is Lu Feng.
When I was feeling dispirited, I would head to a familiar
pub I frequent for a drink. Sitting in a comfortable corner, I
quietly drink hoping to waste away some hours. I then
picked myself up when I am just a step away from being
completely drunk to drag myself home. By the next day I
would have pulled myself together and resume living my life
of a sage.
 I always thought that only a lady drinking by herself in a
pub would be at risk of being subjected to sexual
harassment. In my ignorance, society has 'improved' to a
state whereby even a single guy would also face such a
danger. The moment those manly guys sat down next to
me, I had an ominous feeling.
Chapter Nineteen

Those good looking men sat themselves around me with

barely concealed ill intentions. I instinctively knew that
things would go downhill and quickly stood up to leave.
However after downing those couple of beers, my actions
were sluggish. I have yet to stand up straight before they
pressed me back down firmly into my seat.
" What, what are you trying to do?" Alcohol does not give
me a sense of disinhibition, on the contrary, it causes me to
be inert. Just like when I am totally drunk, my face does not
turn red like a persimmon, merely adding a layer of blush to
my pale complexion.
" You look like a good drinker, accompany us for a couple
more."
One of them groped my waist, and another touched my
chest.
" No, I can't...... " I spoke even slower in my diminished
state, those hands started fondling, my attempts to shake
them off were futile, " Remove...... your....... hands......"
" Aren't you lonely here by yourself? We can play with
you."
" No.......... I don't want to........." How can a pair of hands
win against three pairs? I was almost in hysteria, breaking
out in cold sweat.
Seeing my weak resistance, they became emboldened,
immobilizing me by squeezing me in their midst. Someone
caressed my face: " What's wrong? Are you about to cry?
Come, drink this up and treat it as my apology."
"No........." I tried to brush off the glass of liquor being
pushed against my lips.
 He pinched my chin, forcing the strong liquor down my
throat. The better half of it spilled out of my mouth, making
a wet mess on the front of my shirt. I heaved and coughed,
face turning red.
My disconcerted state stirred their excitement further, and
they sadistically pushed a second glass down my throat.
My hands and legs turned soft, my head dizzy, my eyes
blurred, madly struggling, " I don't........... want to............."
" What's the problem here?!"
It is totally unexpected that someone would intervene, as
fools who willingly step up to fight injustices for strangers
are an endangered species. Not to mention the fact that
saving a man reaps very little rewards. Even the bar owner
would wait until any glasses or properties are damaged
before appearing, only to shout: " Bring your fight outside!"
" No problem here, we came together. " Those people
picked me up gleefully, " Let's talk outside, come."
" No........... I don't want to........" I struggled out of their
grasps, " I don't......... know you.........."
I shuddered in relief from freeing myself, only to feel
another pair of strong arms supporting me.
Confused, I raised my head to look at him.
" Cheng Yi Chen? It's you?! "
......... Who? Is this person ........
I struggled to make sense of this face.
He looked somewhat familiar, yet totally foreign.
Lu, Lu Feng? !
No, no, Lu Feng would never come back. He would never
again hold me like this.
But, but..........
If he is Lu Feng....... what if he is Lu Feng.........
I was in a state of bewilderment, grabbing on to a corner
of his shirt.
I could no longer comprehend what he was saying, only
aware that he was about to push me away.
 Lu Feng, please don't, I only want to talk to you, please
don't treat me like this........
I hugged on to his waist frantically: " Don't....... don't
leave......"
" ........ What are you doing?" He roughly removed my
hands.
" Wait, you...... don't leave......." I hung on to him with my
whole being, pressing my head on his shoulder, so afraid
that he would leave again, and never coming back.
The surrounding noise in my ears are all muddled up, I
could barely hear him: Yi Chen........... can you release me
first? I promise you I will not leave."
I cautiously removed my hands, he lowered his head to
look at me, and indeed did not take the chance to run away.
" Yi Chen, have some tea."
I did not move an inch, staring at him in a stupor.
Lu Feng, you have never, called me by this name before.
While I was still out of it, he suddenly broke out in anger
and rushed to the side: " Watch your words! Who the fuck
did you say is his lover!! "
I have yet to reach out to touch him, he had already
swung his fist out.
That punch landed on a certain part of someone, and I
heard a pained yelp. You can't do that Lu Feng, you cannot
get in trouble again.........
I stood up shaking in front of him, not sure if I was trying
to help him block off attacks or to restrain him, and ended
up feeling a strike on my neck. The impact was so strong
that I could not withstand it and collapsed, my eyelids so
heavy I could not keep them open.
When I awoke, I was lying under the shadow of the sound
stage. No one was near me besides a waiter busy with the
aftermath of the commotion. The Lu Feng whom I imagined,
was nowhere to be seen.
I sat there in a daze, no one noticed me.
I finally got up and silently walked out.
 The ring is missing.
Checking repeatedly to make sure that my neck is indeed
empty, I searched my entire body in panic mode. When did I
lose it? I recalled clearly that I touched it last before leaving
for the bar, absolutely certain that it was still on my chest
then.
When exactly did I lose it?
The bar opens for business at seven in the evening. I
waited outside its door and dashed in the moment it
opened.
The lighting was not bright. I went down on my knees
around the area where the events of the previous night took
place, combing the floor inch by inch, my hands covered in
dirt.
Nothing.
Hanging onto a last hope, I searched once again, even
digging into the gaps between the floor, but nothing.
The bar owner watched me crawling around with
perplexity. I wanted to explain to him that I was looking for a
ring, and ask if he had by some miracle picked up a tiny
silver ring, but my crushing sense of loss left me paralyzed.
The horrifying truth is that he had just cleaned up the
place and threw out all the trash along with the broken
glasses.
That was the only thing, that Lu Feng ever gave me.
Chapter Twenty

I endeavored in my search, not giving up for a few days in a

row. While I was yet on my knees again, I finally came to a
conviction that it was long gone, and just then, that person
appeared.
"Hey there," he had on a sweet smile, " We meet again so
soon? Are you here for a drink?"
I could not recognize immediately who he was.
Reasonably speaking, I should not have had no impression
of such an interesting character should he have appeared in
my life before.
" Are you looking for something? Is it this?" He reached
into the pocket of his suit, fumbled about for a bit and
presented it to me.
That unmistakably tiny, dull-colored ring sat innocently on
his palm. Without a second thought, I grabbed it from his
hand, with no regards to my manners.
I had thought that, the last minuscule connection I had
with Lu Feng has been lost forever.
He was stunned by the sight of me hugging the ring to my
heart breaking down into an agonized sob. He gave a long
pause before asking hesitantly, " You, are you ok? I wanted
to return it to you earlier, but in the end ........ as you well
know, it slipped my mind after the fight ........."
When I pulled myself together, I realized that this stranger
was still squatting in front of me quietly, " Thank you so
much." I felt similarly embarrassed that I had to lose my
composure that way, I sniffed: " This is very important to
me."
 " Really?" He looked a little astounded. He stole a glance
at the ring, and looked at it once more before asking with a
sheepish look: " Your girlfriend gave this to you?"
Worried that I would startle him if I said that it is a
boyfriend, I simply nodded my head. Sorry Lu Feng, for
changing your gender.
" Oh," he replied matter of fact, "Don't be too upset. Why
give up the entire forest just to be obsessed over one
flower? Look at you crying so miserably, can she see it? If
things are impossible, why not just happily change for a new
one ........."
His attempt at comforting me struck me as rather
amusing, " Thank you."
" Hey, no need for that, just be happy ok." He appeared to
sigh a deep breath of relief.
This guy ...... seems like a decent guy ...... just a little bit
cuckoo.
" Qin Lang, is your friend feeling better?" The bar owner
walked by holding a fruit platter. As he walked, he was
giving him winks.
" It's all good. What problems would Yi Chen have." He
smiled exuberantly, and slung an arm over my shoulder.
I almost jumped out of my skin.
Is this person very familiar with me?
" I am Shen Chao, the owner of this place. If you face any
trouble while you are here in future, just come and look for
me. Qin Lang's friend is my friend! He held out his hand
enthusiastically.
Are they both such overly passionate characters?
" Thanks, thanks a lot." I shook his hand, and suddenly
recalled: " That's right, when I was drunk here last time, you
guys were the ones who helped me out right?"
Even if that was the case, they still seemed a little over
friendly.
" The credit goes to Qin Lang, nothing to do with me, I was
just an audience!" The bar owner exchanged several looks
with him, shut his mouth suddenly, gave a dismissive clap
and walked away.
" Qin, Qin Lang," I felt rather awkward calling him by his
first name on an initial meeting, much in contrast to the way
he was able to call me unreservedly, " You helped me twice,
I really do not know how to express my gratitude. Especially
today, you even found this ring for me ............" This style of
civil speech to an 80% stranger should be more normal?
He put on an expression of being insulted: " So polite?
Alright alright, if you really think that you owe me a great
favor, then no need to say thank you, just remember it in
your heart!" After giving it some thought, he added: " If you
MUST express your thanks, you don't have to use your body
to repay me, just treat me for a drink!"
Would, would any man give their body to him so easily?
As we sat down for a drink, this weird kid started gushing
out of his gap about, of all things, culture and geography.
Are these the sort of topics appropriate for a leisure chat? I
could not help but to reevaluate him, very youthful with a
sunny disposition. That night when I was drunk, I mistook
him for Lu Feng. On closer examination, only the outline of
their faces are somewhat similar ........ His eyebrows made
him appear lively and cheerful, completely different from Lu
Feng's cold arrogance. He talked so much that I could barely
get two words in, whereas Lu Feng would never open his
mouth in front of an unfamiliar person. After a long
observation, I came to a conclusion. This sort of universally
popular looks coupled with an approachable personality can
only be described with one word: a playboy.
He was not the least bit aware that I had already affixed
him with this title in my mind, while he carried on talking
about the formation of volcanoes and earthquakes with
utmost seriousness.
Poor thing, he must be worried there would be an
awkward silence if he stopped talking. I decided he must
belong to the kinder and more naive type of playboy. Afraid
that if I were to continue sitting there, he would
undoubtedly launch a speech about the origins of life, I
stood up after downing my last mouthful of beer, " Qin Lang,
you accompanied me for so long, and said so much, I feel
much better now!" I grabbed my jacket ready to leave.
I must have drank a little too much, swaying unsteadily
for a bit.
He supported me with his arms: " Can you manage after
drinking so much? Should I drive you home?"
" It's ok, there's no need." Being in another man's arms
felt disconcerting, I twisted out of his hold, " I'll call a taxi."
" Oh, then you be careful."
I have this curious feeling that the way Qin Lang looked at
me is odd.
Could he also be gay?
Damn......... I was merely guessing, no need to strike me
with lightning.
Freakish weather.
Chapter Twenty One

A week after I met Qin Lang, I saw the news on the papers.
On an ordinary and uneventful day, the most popular form
of light reading to accompany a meal or a visit to the toilet
is undoubtedly the entertainment section in the papers.
Reading up on celebrities news conveniently fills our
leisure time and energy, mine included.
The protagonist in this gossip column was a familiar
looking female whose sheer amount of tabloid-worthy news
were sufficient to provide the livelihood for several
paparazzi. It wrote that she was engaged to be married. This
woman, reportedly an expert in manipulating men in the
grasp of her hand, was actually willing to submit herself into
a marriage, even claiming that it was to be a speedy
marriage from a love at first sight affair. The report was
long-winded and filled with boring twists and turns, I read it
slowly predicting that by the time I ate the last piece of
curry chicken on my plate, I would have finished the article.
" Her fiancé is the second son of a well known
entrepreneur in the Chinese-American community. A
handsome striking young man at 24 years of age, he is said
to be an ambitious and successful........
The eyes skimmed through those inconsequential words
describing his successful endeavors in business and
amorous pursuits to land on his name.
Lu Feng.
I read it again. Lu, Feng. Two words, no mistake.
Lacking any sense of realism, I flipped back to the cover
page that I apparently neglected, to find a large photo of
the alleged future groom and his bride, standing side by
side.
That man, he has indeed matured, the lines on his face
suggesting a richer experience in life. He still carried an air
of cold arrogance, though coupled with a smile.
This person is Lu Feng.
And he is getting married.
The illusion that is secretly stored in my mind disappeared
with a slight 'thump' in my head.
From then on, I no longer own the rights to even fantasize
or harbour any expectations.
Alcohol is an amazing thing, icy cold in the mouth and
down the throat, turning into a fiery lava in the stomach,
truly a sweet form of torment. I drank myself into
numbness, not aware that the bartender had been
instructed by the boss not to pour me any more drinks, and
so I sat there sullenly with an empty glass in my hand.
I did not cry, I did not make a single fuss, I could not
speak a single word. My heart was filled with bitterness, my
mouth tasted bitter, yet I was completely dumbfounded.
Someone carried me up in his arms horizontally, I
laboriously tried to identify the face that was currently
displaying a mix of restrained anger and out of focus eyes.
Momentarily, I knew he was Qin Lang. As the effects of the
alcohol overtook me, I kept confusing him for Lu Feng.
Wrapped in his coat, I curled up in the backseat of his car
without having any urge to vomit. I have always had a high
tolerance for alcohol, my skin burning hot, yet feeling very
cold inside. I huddled up in silence, shivering uncontrollably.
" Where do you stay? I'll send you home........... A friend of
mine is holding a party at my place so I can't send you
there."
I refused to open my mouth and eyes, I heard him sighing.
The car engine stopped for a while before he resumed
driving aimlessly along the road.
 All of a sudden, the car jammed brake and I promptly
rolled down from the backseat to land on the carpeted floor
of the car.
He cursed.
I heard the opening and closing of the car door, and a pair
of strong arms carried me up.
" Are you hurt?"
I was trembling badly from the cold, and instinctively
reached over to wrap myself around his waist and pressed
my face onto his warm chest.
Who is this gentle able-bodied man?
Muddled, I began inspecting him with my hands.
Who has given me such a tender and firm hug before?
Lu Feng, Lu Feng.
I grabbed on to him with my life, pressing against his body
tightly.
You must not forget me, you must not fall in love with
someone else, do not ignore me, do not use the same arms
that hugged me to hug someone else.
You must not forget that you promised me we will be
together forever.
Have you forgotten that I am still waiting for you.
Lu Feng.
I blindly found a pair of soft and hot lips, and randomly
pressed my own against them.
Lu Feng, it has been five long years, I have not kissed you.
Do you still have that rough patch of beard just itching to
grow out from your chin? Do you still have the same clumsy
way of knocking on my teeth? Are you still pretending to be
a tough guy only to become all shy the moment I take any
initiative?
Lu Feng, I do not know, would you be willing to kiss a man
whom you do not love anymore.
He is responding, this is great. I know I am no expert on
kissing, and probably have a bad technique. Not knowing
when and how to tease, when it came to the crucial bits, I
may disappoint.
But I love you.
He hugged me ever so tightly, the faint smell of tobacco
filled my mouth leaving me with a passionate ache. I was so
dizzy that I could not even get one button released for a
long time, fumbling about under him. He ripped it all off in
one move, and stripped off my jeans, and immediately
pressed his burning shaft forcefully in.
His body was so warm, to a point of being hot, I clung on
to him for the heat. It hurts. The pain slowly spread, like a
tear ripping through my body. I gritted my teeth and did not
shrink back, bravely wrapping myself invitingly around his
waist.
Lu Feng, I was so awkward and resistant during our first
time, were you very upset? If I had been more eager and
more initiative, if I had been able to tolerate the pain more,
if I had performed better, would you have..........
remembered me for longer?
His pounding reached a wild impassioned state, torturing
me to a point where I could not make any noise.
I cried and as my climax rises, I wanted to call out Lu
Feng's name, but the faint sound I produced was completely
blocked by the onslaught of his lips.
Chapter Twenty Two

The bed felt a little hard, the quilt missing the familiar fresh
grassy scent, instead exuding a faint smell of sheets
deprived of a sun exposure. The posters haphazardly pasted
on the walls were not mine, the curtains hanging over the
windows were not the light blue shade I chose.
This is not my room, but baffling enough it looked very
familiar.
Lacking the energy to investigate who the owner of this
place with a floor that had not been swept for at least a
week is, I could only hope that the person pushing the door
open right now is not Qin Lang.
The effects of a hangover was making my head spin
wildly, but I was clear headed enough to know that I had sex
with Qin Lang in the car last night.
I did not have the guts to face him right then, nor have an
explanation as to why I offered myself into his arms. Please,
do not force me to jump down from this window.
That person came over and whipped the covers that was
covering my head right off.
This harsh action could not have originated from Qin Lang,
luckily.
" It is noon already and you are still in bed! Get up now!"
I was stunned momentarily and sat up to look into the
unkind expression of......... Yi Chen.
" Why am I.... at your place...... Where is......... Qin Lang?"
Yi Chen was getting antsy: " Don't tell me you wished to
wake up on the bed of that womanizer?"
I lowered my eyes and squinted at the sheets, not
replying.
 " Brother, you and that guy........ " Yi Chen let out a long
breath and said with difficulty, " He forced you into it, right?"
" No," my head remained lowered, " I was the one who
seduced him."
Yi Chen blew up in anger: "What is the matter with you?
Have you not had enough? Don't be so stupid as to fall for
that sort of playboy!"
" He treats me very well."
" He treats everyone whom he hasn't had enough fun with
very well."
" It doesn't matter." I flattened the bundled quilt with an
exaggerated effort, " It's just a matter of getting ditched
after he had enough, it is not as if I haven't been abandoned
before. I am used to it. "
" When have you degraded yourself like this?" Yi Chen was
turning mad with anger, he looked like he wished he had
two daggers in his hands, " Mom and Dad will be forced to
enter their graves early if they found out that you got
yourself involved with a man again."
" You are telling me you are all still hoping that I will get
involved with a girl?"
" Why can't it be a girl? You were doing so well these few
years, we were all thinking that you are cured now and will
soon marry a woman and have children like a normal person
.........."
I exploded in laughter, and kept laughing until I noticed
the startled look on Yi Chen.
" I doubt I can ever be cured of this disease." I raised my
head to look at him, " Yi Chen do you remember Lu Feng?"
Yi Chen dodged his eyes for a moment.
" He is getting married." I smiled. " Isn't that impressive,
he has made a full recovery from his sickness, even able to
marry a girl now, you must be hoping that I can become
normal like him? What a pity, I am not as capable as him,
able to cure himself so quickly. I will always be interested in
men my whole life, you can't cure a freak of nature, so you
might as well give up now."
I slowly shifted myself off the bed to put on my clothes
and shoes: "Yi Chen, if you feel that having a homosexual
brother is something very disgraceful, then treat it as if
Cheng family only had one son."
Yi Chen did not seek me out again since. I understood that
he was vexed and disappointed, because I had hurt him.
However, he did not understand, that he had hurt me too.
What is wrong with being homosexual. I only want
someone to love me, what is wrong with that.
I kept on avoiding Qin Lang, for fear that we would both
feel very awkward if we met. Since he is Yi Chen's friend,
then he could not be gay. Being with me that way ......... the
bigger possibility was that it was only a physical reaction to
my temptation.
Eventually he invited me out on an afternoon after-lunch
hours. In a rather empty cafe, seated near the windows with
the winter sun shining down a pool of light on our table. The
atmosphere was warm and harmonious, yet the two persons
seated face to face looked uneasy.
I could tell he was very nervous, I lowered my head
playing with the crystal glass in my hand, not in any better
condition than him.
" Yi Chen........." He spoke in a deep voice, finally opening
his mouth.
I did not dare to make eye contact with him, only inclining
my head slightly to indicate that I was listening.
" That night ....... we were intimate ........" he stumbled.
Come on, I know all these, do you have to bring up this
subject?
He was unable to continue with another word.
I lifted my head and he was looking straight at me. His
eyes conveyed the image of having seen an abandoned
dog, wet and crouching before him. There might as well be a
banner overhead screaming with the four words: " What a
poor thing." I felt even more embarrassed, as I could see
how pathetic I must appear in everyone's eyes, but it was
never my intention to deceive him of his sympathy.
" Qin, Qin Lang."
"Mm?" He looked at me very attentively, his expression
giving me a tiny faint hope.
" You.........." The things I planned to say was disrupted by
the feel of a piece of folded newspaper in my pocket. I found
myself opening my mouth to ask, " You......... would you like
to, be together with me?"
He looked to be in shock, his hands visibly trembling.
He was scared indeed, the situation now painfully clear
that he was not there to make a proclamation of love, but
rather to make a clean cut to this matter.
It turned out to be my self-delusion.
After having plucked all my courage and dispensing it
entirely, I was left with nothing more except shame. I stood
up hastily: " I was only casually asking ........ no big deal
........ please don't mind what I said."
" Yi Chen ..........."
" I have to get back ..........."
" Listen to me .........."
" It's ok, I was only asking, don't take it seriously .........."
My lame self-comforting and self-justifying words were cut
off by him, " Yes! I will always be with you!"
He hugged me tightly, fondling my head and back, in a
careful and gentle way, seemingly to comfort me.
" I love you, Yi Chen ....... I love you ........"
I hesitated, then stretched out my arms cautiously to hold
him.
It did not matter if his affections towards me stamp from
more pity or more love, all I need right now is for someone
to hold me tight and keep me warm and secure. I am too
lonely, so lonely that I am gradually fading away.
Inside the pocket of my jacket lies a wrinkled page of
today's entertainment news. The headline is an
announcement of the grand engagement ceremony of a
certain prince in the business world and his princess.
Chapter Twenty Three

Qin Lang was a very good boyfriend. Based on his keen

sense of observation alone, he was able to discover which
brands of wine I liked, which eateries I liked to go for braised
beef, the sort of shoes I like to wear, and which genre of
music I listen to. He knew I liked Korean variety shows and
Japanese animation, he knew I am scared of being cold and
have a mild gastric problem.
Being with him, I had never once gone hungry or thirsty,
never felt cold and never had stomach issues. I could enjoy
listening to original editions soundtracks, and watch entire
collections of anime series at his place.
He was taking care of me.
I believe I will fall in love with him very soon, or maybe
unknowingly, I already have.
I did not attend Qin Lang's grand birthday banquet. No
one wants to wear a tuxedo and have a bow tie strangling
around your neck all night while going hungry with only
cocktails and canapés to go by. Worse, putting on
pretentious smiles for all those ladies from rich pampered
upbringing. Even he could not take it very much longer and
took off his bow tie in the middle of the banquet and
escaped. A real meaningful birthday party should be
enjoyed at a regular bar, drinking and messing around.
Inviting only close friends, unrelated people can stay away.
In my opinion, Yi Chen and Qin Lang could not be classed
as 'best buddies'. On the occasions they met, the smiles on
their faces were so icy that it could freeze the air around
them. It was plain to see that they knew each other for a
while now, and can be considered to be more than just
acquaintances, however the reason as to why they are now
keeping a distance from each other is an enigma. Qin Lang
appeared to be the one making more of an effort to be
friendly, at times making himself so approachable that it
was almost like a courtship. Yi Chen however, would pull a
face longer than a horse's, not even affording him proper
eye contacts. The discomfort he displayed around Qin Lang
is markedly different from the outright rejection he gave Lu
Feng, as if it was merely out of spite.
I naturally tried my best to navigate this fine balance
between my brother and my boyfriend. I put in a lot of effort
to better their relationship, like for instance right now, I had
to practically drag Yi Chen out to the party, and even
prepared a gift for him beforehand. Of course more often
than not, my effort would go down futile, this time might not
be an exception.
Yi Chen very reluctantly handed over to Qin Lang the gift
under my explicit hint and pressure. Qin Lang appeared
elated to receive it smiling like an fool. I can understand my
brother, he harbors such a prejudice against homosexuality,
this moral issue being the only source of discord he has with
his own big brother. Needless to say when it came to Qin
Lang, he was sure to give him a hard time.
The bar owner brought with him an outstanding looking
woman, and Yi Chen politely addressed her as senior sister.
That sister and the bar owner showed exceptional interest in
myself and Yi Chen, and kept exclaiming that we looked so
alike. They surrounded us inspecting us thoroughly,
proclaiming exaggeratedly: "So similar.............. You two look
almost exactly the same."
We are not twins but only bore a resemblance to each
other. People who knows us would never find it hard to tell
us apart.
Yi Chen's face turned black, and I thought he must feel
insulted to be likened to me so I hastily comforted him: "No,
you are much better looking than me. " At this time, Qin
Lang came over with a knife for the cake, and Yi Chen
mumbled under his breath: " Only a moron would think we
are the same person."
Good thing the bar owner and the senior sister did not
hear him.
" Yi Chen."
I looked in the direction of Qin Lang, and my brother did
the same.
Qin Lang looked at us both with an expression full of
embarrassment and hesitation.
Yi Chen swiftly turned his head back.
" What is it?" I asked.
" Yi Chen, " he said hurriedly, " This piece is for you, there
are almonds on the top which you like, I specifically
instructed Shen Chao to order it for you!"
" Ah, thank you." I reached out my hand to take it, " But
almonds aren't my favorite....... " I pointed at Yi Chen, " He
might like it."
Qin Lang called out to Yi Chen several times without
getting any responses. I had to tug at him for his attention
before he took a look at the tantalizingly attractive dessert
and reached out stiffly for the other half.
Qin Lang let out a visibly deep breath of relief, which gave
me an odd feeling, but I could not put my finger on it.
Not until late in the night did the crowd started
dissipating. Qing Lang brought the car over, and said to me
and Yi Chen who was by my side: " Get on.'
Yi Chen pushed me: " Brother, you go."
" Are you not coming with us?" I was surprised.
" I'm going to a friend's place to play CS, it's not along the
way."
" Just get on, I will send your brother home first, and give
you a lift to your friend's place."
" There's no need." Yi Chen waved for a taxi, " Just send
my brother back safely, be good to him, otherwise I'll teach
you a lesson!"
 " Your brother .......... treats you so well." Qin Lang slowly
started the car engine, " He doesn't want anyone to hurt
you."
I did not know how to answer him, and it seemed like Qin
Lang was not expecting a reply either, and carried on
talking: " The person he hates the most is Lu Feng ......... So
he would never allow me to become the second Lu Feng, or
he will also hate me all his life. But I am different from Lu
Feng." Qin Lang turned his head to look at me: " I am not
the same person as him, do you understand?"
Qin Lang tone of voice is filled with helplessness and a
slight bitterness.
I could not figure out why he was that way.
I only know that the mention of Lu Feng's name was
making me feel slightly faint again.
Chapter Twenty Four

I thought, I have banished him from my mind.

Curled up on the bed, I clutched the sheets tightly around
myself. Why do you compare yourself with him? I know you
are different from him, you will not forsake me.
The phone rang as I was falling asleep, the caller display
showing that it was from Qin Lang, but the voice was that of
a distressed Shen Chao: "Hello, is that Yi Chen? Did the both
of you had a fight? Something is wrong with Qin Lang, he is
totally wasted. You need to come quickly ..........."
I dressed up in haste and hurried back to the bar. The
same Qin Lang who told me just an hour ago that he would
be heading straight home to rest is now out cold on the
couch in the lounge resting area, the collar of his shirt
ripped apart, an excruciating expression on his face.
" What did you do to him?" Shen Chao asked me as if he
was deciphering a puzzle, "That could have made him do a
detour back here just to get drunk? He kept calling for you Yi
Chen ..........."
He then left us with an ambiguous look, and closed the
door on his way out. As soon as I placed my hand on the
intoxicated man, he called out hazily: " Yi Chen .......... Yi
Chen ..........."
" I am here." Seeing his random and restless movements
almost causing him to roll off the couch, I held on to him, "
Stop moving about."
" Yi Chen?! " He opened his eyes in a flash and caught me.
After staring blankly for a long time, he closed his eyes
again resignedly, his voice hoarse: " Yi Chen, it's you ........."
his hand gripped harder.
 I suddenly felt that he looked so sad.
" Shen Chao called to say that you suddenly returned to
the bar, and got really drunk, and so I rushed here ............."
I paused, made up my mind, and pressed my face onto his
chest: " Qin Lang, is it Lu Feng whom you mind so much?
I'm sorry .......... maybe I have not forgotten him completely,
but ....... but I will not continue this way .......... I will only
think of you ............ only treat you well ............. I'm so
sorry, please don't do this ............."
He shuddered, and grabbed on to me harder, his fingers
almost digging into the flesh of my shoulders.
"I'm sorry .........." I parted the long hair scattered around
his forehead compassionately. I gathered my courage, and
brought myself forward to kiss him lightly.
I felt a pressure on my shoulder and was promptly pushed
back onto the floor. Without any chance to react, my shirt
was immediately ripped open, and he sank down to give a
deep bite on my chest.
" Ah ............." It hurts ........... He gave a few more cruel
bites while his hands rubbed on my body harshly. I was
anxious, but did not dare to push him away.
The kiss got deeper and deeper. His swollen lower half
making me so nervous that I did not dare to move. I held
one hand on my hip, the other hand rubbing my tortured
lips, and with the constant assault, I felt myself getting
aroused.
" Yi Chen, can you say you love me?" Licking and biting
my earlobe while exhaling harshly.
I swallowed my saliva, and hugged him back stiffly: " I
love you, Qin Lang."
" Keep saying it, will you? Yi Chen ............ say you will not
leave me, say you love me ........... say you love me............"
He kept repeating himself, his hands coarse and rough, he
unbuckled my belt and took off my pants. I could not catch
my breath, and suddenly felt something cool landing on my
face, and I immediately opened my eyes in shock.
 " Qin Lang, Qin Lang ............. don't cry ............." I was at
a complete loss, and frenziedly pressed my forehead against
his wet face, " Sorry, I love you ........... I'm so sorry
.............."
Waist lifted up high, and I was penetrated swiftly. I took a
deep breath to stop myself from screaming. " Yi Chen, Yi
Chen ............." He clenched on to my waist tightly, pulling
me towards him, thrusting unreservedly while biting me
wildly.
I groaned weakly, my mind in chaos from his rough
pumping, yet afraid that I would fall off his body and so I
wrapped myself around his waist, shaking all over passively.
I am still not used to the sexual act between men, this
sort of onslaught left me feeling like I was having an out of
body experience.
" Yi Chen, Yi Chen .........." He kept on repeating fiercely
while carrying on with his aggressive moves.
I felt a stirring in my heart. Feeling touched, I held on to
his neck cautiously.
" Yi Chen ............."
The violent slamming continued, I desperately tried to
lean back my upper body to relieve some of the pressure,
but my waist was in a death grip.
This is hard ..........
" Yi Chen ......... Yi Chen .........." Until the end, as I was
passing out, I could still clearly hear him mumbling
depressingly, " Yi Chen, Yi Chen ........."
In that instant, I had an epiphany, that the name he kept
on repeating and the person who is right now in his arms in
spasms under him, are totally unrelated.
Chapter Twenty Five

" You're up? There are freshly brewed coffee, do you want
some?"
Not quite fully awake, I peep through my half-opened eyes
to gaze at the man looking down at me with a tray in his
hand.
" AH ............." I jumped up, and pointed at him accusingly,
" You, you, you....... how come it's you! !"
Shen Chao was taken aback by the sudden commotion
and retreated a few steps to prevent an accident with the
tray of food he was carrying: "I, I ....... it was Qin Lang who
asked me to come in and keep an eye on you ...... hey, I did
not do anything to you, stop imagining things ........"
" I'm, I'm naked! !" Asshole, he did not think of covering
me up with something before letting other men come in ......
"How is that a problem?" Shen Chao was baffled, "I am
also a man."
He was hopeless in terms of being further educated on
this. I pulled up my pants hurriedly while that guy wore an
innocent look on his face and stood there staring at me
curiously, what the heck.
"Where's Qin Lang?" I will be sure to teach him a lesson
when I see him.
" Oh he, he had an emergency at home and have to take
off first, that's why he told me to take care of you ........"
"Oh ............" despite understanding his situation, it still
felt rather dismal to wake up without the person you just
made love to next to you.
" You are not going to have something to eat first?" Shen
Chao had not given up on the tray of food.
 "No thanks........." The color of the coffee looked a tad
suspicious, and remembered that the boss' latest hobby was
to experiment with 'innovative' dishes, "........... I think I
better get back."
I took a long shower to wash away the mess on me,
looking in the mirror, I saw the ring hanging innocently on
my chest.
I felt a deep pang of pain. Not daring to think twice, I
quickly lowered my head to take it off, safely placed it in an
exquisite looking box, not even trusting myself to take a
second look at it.
Goodbye, Lu Feng.
I think, it is time for me to move on and try to love
someone else.
While putting on a clean set of clothes and blowing my
hair, I finally noticed the blinking lights on the old answering
machine. There were a series of messages, all from Yi Chen.
" Brother, where have you gone? Why are you not home
yet?"
" No one is picking up on your mobile, is it not with you?
Call me back as soon as you receive my messages."
" Brother, are you still not home? I am Yi Chen! Where on
earth are you? Return my call, it's getting late and I'm
worried."
" Big brother, stop scaring me. Call me back call me back
call me back! ! !"
I scrunched my hair a couple times to give it some
texture, grabbed two bags of Danone cookies to coax him
and promptly headed down the stairs. Yi Chen's place was
only a stone's throw away, I might as well go and meet with
him directly.
That careless fool left the door ajar, I was about to give it
a push, when I heard the agitated voice of a man coming
from within.
It was Qin Lang.
 An unsettling feeling crept over me. Isn't their
relationship.......... cold? Didn't Qin Lang .......... have an
urgent matter to deal with at home? Why is he here? !
I held my breath, teetered nearer to the door, and peeped
in through the gap.
" I had him in my arms for the whole night, and we did it
all night .......... my skills in bed must be good, Xiao Chen
said that he is very happy .......... Yi Chen are you pleased
with me now, am I a good enough boyfriend to your brother
?"
" You shut up! Shut up !"
" Why, am I still not doing good enough, Yi Chen? Or do
you want me and Xiao Chen to carry on fucking today? Or
do you think I should improve my prowess in bed?"
" I'm pleading with you, stop talking ........"
" Are you crying? Yi Chen?" That was indeed Qin Lang, his
hands reaching out in an unimaginably tender way to stroke
Yi Chen's hair: "You do mind don't you?"
"But did you know, for the whole night, I called out for
you, for you, not him, Yi Chen .........."
My whole body tensed.
What exactly ...... are they ....... talking about ?
I do not understand .......... I really do not understand.
There was a moment of silence. Yi Chen then raised his
head sharply and shouted unrestrained: "Qin Lang are you a
beast? Do you still fucking call yourself a human being? My
brother is already this way, you still dare to treat him like
that? You dare to treat him like that? He loves you so much,
have you spared a thought about his feelings? You actually
did such a thing to him. What do you treat him as ?"
"I treat him as you, did I not make myself clear? When I
am on top of him, all I can see in front of my eyes is you!
"Qin Lang grabbed fiercely onto the hand which was about
to smack him, and pressed him down onto the floor: "Cheng
Yi Chen you listen carefully to me, I had enough! The person
I love is you, from the beginning until now it has always
been you and you alone! You only know to ask me whether I
have considered your brother's feelings, have you ever
considered my feelings? Yes! I admit that your brother is
badly scarred emotionally and he is insecure. I do feel pity
for him, but this is not what I owe him. That bastard with the
last name Lu did not pay his debt why push this on to me?
To protect the loving relationship you have with your
brother, you had to fucking present me with two hands as a
sacrificial offering? Or were you prepared for me to lie to
your brother all his life to give him some false happiness
with our sorrow being the price? I'm not playing anymore, Yi
Chen I am telling you right now, everything ends here."
I, I still cannot understand.
The only thing I knew for sure was that I should not
continue eavesdropping on this conversation anymore. I, I
was just seeking my own humiliation ..........
I do not think it is too late to back away now? They should
not have noticed me ......... I will sneak away quietly, and no
one will ever know I heard all of that ........... and no one
would feel awkward...........
I hastily turned myself around, and met Yi Chen's enlarged
eyes straight on.
No, don't call for me, I am leaving right now ...........
" Brother ........"
Even Qin Lang turned his head to look at me in surprise.
"I.......... I.........." I backed away a few steps until I reached
the stairwell, dumbly raising the biscuits in my hand, " Yi
Chen......... these, these are for you ........."
"Brother, Qin Lang was talking nonsense earlier, he is still
drunk," Yi Chen was practically in shock as he rushed over
to me enveloping me in a hug, "You don't listen to his
nonsense, he will continue to treat you very well." He gave a
desperate look to Qin Lang: " You tell him, is that right ?"
Qin Lang turned his head away avoiding him to look at me
straight in the eye: "I'm sorry, Xiao Chen, everything I said
was the truth, the one I love is your brother, and it has
always been this way !"
I seemed to finally understand, it could not have been said
more clearly: "I, I know now ........" I tried to break away from
Yi Chen's suffocating hold.
Yi Chen held on tighter, and absolutely refused to let go:
"Brother, listen to me ........"
I used all my strength to jostle and push him away,
twisting around recklessly, and as I finally freed myself, I
also sent myself falling down the stairs.
Why do I always get myself in such an embarrassing state
in front of him.
When I regained awareness, I have been laid down on the
sofa and Yi Chen was twitching with sobs applying
medication on the wound on my leg: "Brother, I am so sorry
........"
"Xiao Chen, if you don't mind, I want to tell you the truth
about what happened." Qin Lang's voice was still very
gentle, he held my hand, I shrank back, but he gripped on
tighter.
"I knew your brother way before I met you. I fell for him
very early on too, but I am not gay, he is not either, we were
both very confused ......... When I fought off those guys at
the bar for you, I thought you were him, I called you 'Yi
Chen' the moment I saw you, were you not surprised? You
should know that the pronunciation of your names are
exactly the same, simply no way to distinguish apart.
Moreover the lightings at the bar are so dark, and I never
knew that Yi Chen had a brother who resembles him so
much, so I naturally took you to be him. Since then every
time I saw you I thought the same even though your
personalities are so different. I too felt that it was very
strange, but I never pondered too much, up until that time
when we had sex in the car ......... do you remember? Even
though you were the one who took the initiative, but I liked
Yi Chen so much, so incredibly much, I thought you were
him, so how could I reject him. After that I got Yi Chen's
address from his senior year sister, thinking of sending you
home. I was on cloud nine the whole time, unbelievably
excited to be in love, how would I have known, the person
who opened the door was, was.........." He paused, "I actually
hugged the wrong person ..........."
I was curled up on the sofa, my head tucked down,
remaining motionless.
This is preposterous, what made me think that there was
someone loving me with a true heart, or even think that
there will be someone who would love me at all. When did I
become so ridiculous as to have this delusion?
"I am truly sorry, Xiao Chen. I wanted to confess to you
the moment I found out about the blunder, but Yi Chen told
me about the history between you and Lu Feng, he was so
afraid that you will get hurt again, and he did not allow me
to say anything. When I asked you out, I planned to lay it all
out on the table, but seeing your reactions, I could not bring
myself to do that. So I ended up being with you. The person
I liked is Yi Chen. I told you before, I am not the same as Lu
Feng, we are completely not the same, because.......
because I do not love you at all!"
" What happened last night, I admit that it is all my fault it
is my own selfishness, at that time, I fully know that you are
not Yi Chen, but I was in so much misery, Yi Chen had just
rejected me again. Why do I have to keep enduring this
torment? I pretended that you were him .......... calling out,
for his name. Sorry, Xiao Chen. I know you will hate us, but
this has nothing to do with Yi Chen. The person at fault is
me, no matter how you blame me, I will accept it ........"
I curled back into a ball, too ashamed to lift up my head. I
do not blame them, there are nothing to blame.
I, I just ....... never ever ......... dare to again.
Chapter Twenty Six

At that most opportune time, a prestigious company in

Shanghai sent a reply expressing their interest to hire me.
Without any delay, I made all the necessary arrangements
and could not have completed the various procedure any
quicker. Then I left this school and this city, without
informing Yi Chen.
Sorry.
I had no choice.
Shanghai is a very competitive and proud city.
Contrastingly, I am not one who is ambitious nor am I able
to summon any kind of egoism so strangely, I feel
comfortable and harmonious here. More importantly this
place is far from everything that happened in the past. I can
start my life anew, I can pretend my past was as ordinary
and peaceful as a blank sheet of paper, except my future
will be nothing but a blank too.
This is perfect.
It was an awesome company to work in, the colleagues
are mostly young and energetic and I did not mind at all
working up from an elementary position. The job had me
seated in front of a computer in a clean and fresh cubicle,
the ladies coming and going look bright and exquisite, and
the men tall and handsome.
The relaxed atmosphere that accompanies the absence of
our supervisor often comes with plenty of music and jokes
that had me laughing heartily. I could almost forget what
heartache means.
As long as I do not keep trying to get to the bottom of
things and not take anything seriously, it will all turn out
nice and pleasant. I am very willing to live a life like this,
until I become old and grey.
As soon as I entered the office, I saw Ding Ding with the
kind of solemn face you would usually reserve for a funeral.
Ding Ding actually only has the surname Ding, but he
definitely live up to his nickname from the titular Adventures
of Tintin due to his similarly carefree and princely
personality.
" What's with the long face? Is it Zhu Sha giving you the
cold shoulders again?"
Zhu Sha is arguably the prettiest lady in our department.
Ding Ding had used all the tricks he have up his sleeve to
pursue her – sweet talking mouth, light on the feet, thicker
than anything face – always in a state of 'can see but cannot
touch' has made him so uptight around her.
" Zhu Sha wore a skirt today! " Ding Ding exclaimed in
distraught, "And she even applied that USD$39 lipstick! "
I remember that lipstick, Ding Ding had said that even if
one can transform into Marilyn Monroe with that lipstick on,
he still would not pay that kind of money for it.
"So what? "I was curious. " Aren't you always complaining
that she is always wearing long pants and you don't have
the chance to perv on her legs? Now that she is all dressed
up, you are unhappy?"
"The problem is she did not dress up for me. " Ding Ding
said in a dejected voice, " Isn't the new boss coming today?"
" Huh?"
" Were you asleep during the meeting last week? Miss Lu
will be returning to the headquarters in US, and her younger
brother will be replacing her."
The boring weekly meetings with unimportant agendas
were indeed opportunities for me to practice my dozing off
skills. In any case, if there were anything worth mentioning,
the blabbermouth Ding Ding would have kept everyone in
the office updated.
 " Zhu Sha is so sexy, if she caught the new boss' eyes, it
will be like walking into the lion's den.........."
I interrupted his rhetoric: " Maybe Miss Lu's brother has
some sort of deformity, growing a third eye in the middle of
his forehead and a hump on his back like a camel, Zhu Sha
would not even look at him. Moreover do you think everyone
is like you looking up to her like a fairy who has
descended?"
" I know how he looks like." Ding Ding slumped down his
body, " He's quite handsome, only losing out to me by a
little."
I comforted him with a few more words and coaxed him
away, settled down turning on the computer to get started
with my day. Zhu Sha with a cup of tea in her hand, walked
past Ding DIng without giving him a glance, and stood in
front of me: "Yi Chen, can you help me type out this
document, I will treat you to lunch in the afternoon."
I looked at Ding Ding's stricken face: " There's someone
who is willing to type this out for you and treat you to lunch
on top of it, why not look for him?"
Zhu Sha playfully said with a glib tongue: "I don't feel like
having lunch with him so I came to find you, please ~"
Poor Ding Ding almost went crazy.
The door to the office opened abruptly, the head of
department stood at the entrance and said from behind: "
Mr Lu, this is our design and development department
........"
We all stopped what we were doing, we had thought we
would be herded in a single file to the boss' office to greet
him, but who knew he would honor us with his presence.
Ding Ding was so alarmed that he rushed into the
bathroom to straighten his loosened tie, Zhu Sha busily
returned to her seat. I was embarrassed too, as the pile of
analysis reports on my table was resembling a miniature
Everest not having been arranged in ages, the breakfast
sandwich I just had probably left some crumbs on my face.
 "This is the new employee...... Cheng Yi Chen."
I just had enough time to sneak behind my computer to
wipe my mouth clean, scrambled to stand up, staring at the
floorboard, with a polite smile plastered on my face.
"He just graduated from X university, very young but
abilities quite solid ........"
"Cheng........... Yi Chen?"
His voice was very light, inadvertently reiterating the
name he just heard.
I looked up in a panic.
Chapter Twenty Seven

My spirit caught up in a turmoil, I raised my head.

Lu Feng.
Good heavens, it is Lu Feng.
My visions blurred and cleared up, then blurred again. It
was so unreal that I could feel a fainting spell coming on.
Everyone has their own life trajectory, for ours to
culminate here is a coincidence too unbelievable.
I took two steps forward automatically, my posture stiff as
a board. Keep it together, keep it together. It has been five
years, we have both grown up .......... We are technically
strangers now. I am sure jumping up for a hug and
screaming in excitement right now is going to be an overkill,
but I am not sure what kind of reaction is the norm.
Lu Feng examined me intently, as if trying to detect any
difference between the man standing before him and the
Cheng Yi Chen that exists in his memory.
The person I am today is probably beyond recognition.
" Yi Chen." He uttered the two syllables almost in a
stammer, but swiftly recovered with a smile, " I didn't
imagine that I would see you again." He walked towards me,
patted my shoulder with his left hand, and stretched out his
right hand in a customary gesture.
There were no other options but to shake his extended
hand.
An element of surprise lingered in the air. " Do you know
each other?" The director asked with a polite smile.
" High school classmates, we were pretty close then."
I chewed on his oversimplified explanation and forcefully
swallowed this gross understatement.
 The director had not quite brought Lu Feng out the office
before Ding Ding burst out impatiently: " Yi Chen, lady luck
is smiling on you now, your promotion is at hand. You just
need to grab this chance to reminisce with an old friend
during the welcoming dinner tonight."
I forced a grin on my face: " Don't be ridiculous, we have
lost contact for many years ......... we were not even all that
close to begin with .......... there's nothing to reminisce."
Lu Feng paused in his steps, and turned slightly to glance
at me.
The dinner was in buffet style with free seating, this
arrangement allowed everyone to feel at ease, saving us
from getting indigestion if we had to squeeze onto a few big
tables with the boss and the directors.
In groups of two or three, some were standing and some
were sitting, while me and Ding Ding and Zhu Sha, being
the newest recruits in the company has formed our own
clique. I did not have the energy to be sandwiched in
between their firing cannons so I brought my plate of salad
to a corner of the walls to eat in peace.
Those pair of living treasures, one on the left the other on
the right definitely raised the bar for being tireless.
" Yi Chen, you are so thin how could you just eat salad,
come, let me give you this." Zhu Sha plonked two pieces of
roasted lamb and a pair of chicken wings onto my plate
while Ding Ding appeared irritated at that.
The apple and potato slices in my mouth have been
chewed to death yet I could not swallow them down. Lu
Feng is in the midst of socializing in a very polite stance not
far from me. He has truly changed, no longer the teen in
sneakers and battered jeans. The kind of formality and
seriousness he is displaying right now is unlike anything I
ever seen him capable of putting on.
Even the suit meticulously worn on his body oozes such a
fine workmanship that it was an attire he would never stand
for previously .......... The him now, would never use those
feet clad with Italian soft leathered shoes to kick someone
onto the wall.
Peeking at Ding Ding chattering away, I suspected that he
might just kill himself if he knew how much those pair of
shoes cost.
I read somewhere that human cells fully rejuvenate itself
every seven years, which basically means, after seven
years, the friend standing in front of you has transformed
completely from head to toe into a total stranger. In our five
years apart ........... we would have changed about 70 to
80%. Five years ago I could not feel fully satisfied even if I
owned all of him, but now, just watching him at the side
silently, I feel more than contented.
" Are you in a daze alone here?"
" Ah?" I startled like I just awoke from a dream, " No, I
have............" I suddenly realized that Ding Ding and Zhu
Sha had snuck away cleanly without my knowledge.
Lu Feng sat down next to me, and seemed to be in deep
thoughts while idling with the glass in his hand, we were
both speechless.
" How have you been .......... these past few years? "
This generic question could not have been a more
conventional conversation starter, hence I should give a
fluent response to break the ice, yet I found myself keeping
my head lowered, muttering: "Very good ......... I made it to
X university ......... and came here to work."
" I knew you would be able to make it." He smiled, and
casually held my wrist, " You.......... why are you still so
skinny ?"
I shrank back my hand as if touched by burning fire.
We looked at each other with shock and confusion, then
both felt embarrassed.
Lu Feng gave a cough, and lowered his glass: " Xiao
Chen......... actually......... these few years in US ............"
He was struggling to find the right words.
" For a period of time, I really did forget you ........."
 Even though I was mentally prepared for this, my brain
went 'thump' and my mind turned into a blank.
" As you know, over there, I thought I would never get a
chance to come back and see you ever again, that's why
............"
" I understand." I interrupted him in a hurry, afraid to hear
more of these truthful, frank and immeasurably cruel words,
"I totally understand, you don't have to explain anything!"
Lu Feng looked at me, his lips moved, and I quickly cut
him off and said before him: " Your fiancée, how is your
fiancée?"
He froze, and nodded his head stiffly. I then injected all
the confidence in my being to self-assuredly continue: " She
looks very pretty, and come from a brilliant family
background, so compatible with you. I saw the news, your
engagement ceremony was really grand ......... it won't be
long until your wedding isn't it. You must not forget to invite
me, no matter what ......... we can be considered to be
friends. I even had some money saved for your wedding gift
......... of course, when it is my turn to get married I will
surely send you an invitation too, you must attend my
wedding too for old times sake ......."
Honestly I do not know what I was on about.
" You have a girlfriend now?"
While he is basking in happiness right now how could I
burst his bubble and admit to him, that until now I am all
alone in this world. A piteous homosexual incapable of
coming out of the closet, and no one is willing to love me.
" Yep." I smiled like an fool.
" Oh....... is it the long haired girl I saw earlier, the one
who is in the same department as you?"
Not trusting myself to produce a convincing sound from
my throat, I could only smile some more and nodded my
head like a bigger fool.
Chapter Twenty Eight

I carried on with my work as usual, the tranquility in my

daily life belied the fact that Lu Feng has returned. An
insignificant personnel like me in the company has neither
the need nor the privilege to interact with him, so even
though we are physically together in the same building, we
have never met each other.
I had once imagined our reunion to be as momentous as a
savage storm, but it turned out to be an inconsequential
wave.
I am happy for that, I really am.
Weekends that did not require me to put in overtime work
are golden opportunities for me to catch up on much
needed sleep. I could literally sleep all day only waking up
to feed myself if I get hungry. Zhu Sha is always so jealous
that I can live like a pig and still have the body figure of a
monkey.
As I fall back into a deep sleep, the alarm on my phone
rang. I was so irked by the noise that I felt like slapping
myself for forgetting to turn off the alarm. Blindly reaching
out for the phone on the head of the bed I randomly pressed
down on a button, which gave me a moment of peace,
before it rang again with a vengeance. I could have died
from frustration, groping about for a long time before I
realised it was a phone call.
" Hello...... what is it?" I could barely open my eyes,
basically a breathing corpse, guessing that if this is not Ding
Ding, it must be Zhu Sha, either trying to entice me to go
wild with them or entertain them.
" Are you sleeping at this hour?"
 The voice over the phone was rather vague, I could not
figure out immediately who it was, " Mn....... I'm
sleepy........."
The person on the line chuckled lightly: " Don't speak
using this tone, you will easily let others develop obscene
thoughts."
I awoke in a start. Lu Feng.
" ................ " At that precise moment I did not know
whether to call him by his name or address him as boss.
" Are you free now?"
Without waiting for my response, he added: " Come and
fix my computer if you have time."
What...... what the fuck...... so what if he is the boss.
" That's not my expertise." To be abruptly woken up from
a peaceful slumber, I would not even give a heavenly deity
the time of day.
" Did you not major in computer science? You can't even
troubleshoot such small issues how did you get yourself
employed into this company?"
" I specialise in software design, not hardware repair."
" Not much difference, just get here."
Does he not know that different skills are akin to being on
different sides of a mountain? !
Still in a fouled up mood I retorted: " Just tell me what's
the problem, I will guide you over the phone."
After piss-farting around for half the morning, I was
getting impatient: " If it is nothing important just delete it."
He tossed around for a while: " Hey, now it says the drive
cannot be formatted."
I almost fell off the bed, and continued to guide him
through disassembly and reinstallation " Now turn it on and
try again."
There was a strange noise on the other line.
".......... I can't turn it on now......... in fact it looks like it's
smoking up."
Just, just kill me now.
 An hour later, I appeared in front of Lu Feng looking
listless and dispirited.
This person must be sick, he has a perfectly fine-looking
laptop sitting there, yet chose to use the old outdated
personal computer.
" The storage card is loose. " I was expressionless. " The
power supply needs to be replaced ...... the internal fan is
not working, it needs to be changed ASAP otherwise the
hard drive will be overheated, and ........ " I glared at him in
disbelief: " Who's the idiot who installed an anti-viral
recovery segment on the motherboard? !"
Lu Feng kept laughing. I am starting to suspect that this
guy is not the computer idiot he is making himself out to be.
Sitting on the low, simple Scandinavian-style sofa, I drank
the hot coffee he brought over. As my mood lightened, I
started to feel self-conscious and wondered what to do with
my hands and legs.
" This house, is very tastefully designed." Yeah right, I
know dog shit about interior designing.
" My sister used to stay here. Since I had to relocate here
urgently, we just did a minor refurbishment before I moved
in."
That explained the colour theme being a horrible shade of
pink.
I casually flipped a pillow on the sofa, and a pair of black
laced panties appeared like a damning piece of evidence at
a crime scene.
We were dumbfounded.
A pornographic image of Lu Feng tumbling with a woman
on this very sofa flashed through my mind, and I sprang off
the seat like I sat on a hornet nest.
" I need to get back."
" Don't misunderstand," Lu Zheng pleaded innocence, "
this is not mine."
Of course this is not yours to wear.
 " My sister that crazy woman likes to throw her stuff
everywhere, it has nothing to do with me."
Despite Lu Feng's long list of flaws and shortcomings, he
is not one to lie.
I calmed down, and instantly realised that my reaction
was ludicrous, even if that was indeed a remain of Lu Feng's
amorous activity with a woman, I did not have the rights to
be provoked.
" ............. I thought it belonged to your fiancee." Nervous
chuckle.
"Her?" Lu Feng smiled sheepishly. " Truth is....... in less
than a month's time, you will hear news of us calling off the
wedding."
I was confounded.
" It was just a business transaction. Our announcement of
a marriage alliance was an effort to stabilise the stock
market," he spoke offhandedly, " We both knew we were
putting on a show, so it is not like a deception. It was not
going to hurt anyone. After I did this huge favor for my dad,
he awarded me a large sum of money and allowed me to
return to the mainland, so it was well worth the while."
It was not going to hurt anyone.
What about me?
Ah, yes, I nearly forgot. As it turned out...... I have long
lost the prerogative to be hurt by him.
Chapter Twenty Nine

" Let's head out for lunch."

" It's ok, I'm not hungry........." I must not....... delude
myself with false hope again. Being in such proximity to him
are already making those shameful thoughts rear its ugly
head once again. It is better ...... to keep a safe distance
away.
" Are you trying to tell me you already had lunch? Just do
as I say and stop being naggy."
Famed restaurants are always brimming with customers
during weekends, yet we could obtain seats, reserved seats
no less.
I gave Lu Feng the eye, he acted all innocent, casually
flipping the menu.
" What are we having?"
I was not going to say 'anything'. I examined the menu
thoroughly from the first page to the last twice, and ordered
a couple of common cuisine, tofu and soup. These simple
home-cooked dishes came with an appalling price, not to
mention those exotic sounding dishes like braised camel
hooves which I would never order even if there was a gun
pointing to my head. Looking at those numbers on the price
tag, one hoof would be able to kick me all the way home.
Lu Feng cruelly rolled his eyes at me: " It's not like I am
asking you to pay, what are you afraid of? The mentality of
a peasant, will not improve in a hundred years."
Out of spite, I ordered a large serving of prawns, steamed
fish, and that cursed braised camel hooves which turned up
looking like an unappetizing piece of turd from the rear end
of a big bear.
 With steam coming out of my mouth like a fresh basket of
hot dumplings, I was in the midst of peeling those red
translucent prawns, when someone pat me on the back
forcefully, the prawn shot out of my mouth straight into the
soup bowl.
Looking back on my attacker, it was none other than Ding
Ding and Zhu Sha.
" Are the two of you looking to die, trying to murder me in
broad daylight."
" Are you serious? You are not home munching on instant
ramen, instead splurging on yourself here on a weekend?
Ding Ding pretended to faint, " When I spotted you earlier, I
thought I was seeing things."
" We did not make any reservations and came late, you
are occupying the whole table by yourself, how wasteful,
let's cosy up."
I bit the prawn and pointed to the empty seat in front of
me: " It's occupied, he just went to the washroom. "
" A friend? It's ok, this table can seat four." They
unbashedly pulled the chairs out in a fanfare and parked
themselves down, Zhu Sha sitting next to me, Ding Ding
opposite her, right next to Lu Feng's seat.
They promptly started to make their orders, I can only
silently accept it.
As expected, Lu Feng took it in his stride when he
returned and noticed the extra additions, the two did not
take it as calmly though as they nearly jumped out of their
seats.
" You ass, why didn't you tell us you are with the boss!
You'll get it from me tomorrow! " Zhu Sha said with a
lowered voice and stomped down on my feet without
withholding her strength.
I speechlessly chomp down on my prawns.
Lu Feng could recognise Zhu Sha, his face tensed visibly,
but greeted them pleasantly, and started a leisure chat with
them.
 The dishes they ordered arrived and as we carried on
eating and chatting, the atmosphere gradually relaxed.
Lu Feng does not deliberately put on airs, he is simply not
bothered to go out of his way to cater to others. Since
everyone is amiable, his expressions also became less
disagreeable.
Ding Ding would never miss the chance to shower
attention on the goddess whom he had placed on a
pedestal. Even in the presence of the boss he could not help
but to fuss over Zhu Sha, heaping food on her plate,
removing fish bones for her, even I felt embarrassed for
him. Lu Feng wore a loathsome expression, and kept
glancing at me to scrutinise my reactions.
I cluelessly picked up another serving of prawns.
Lu Feng's stance hardened again, their intimacy and my
indifference infuriating him equally.
Ding Ding at this point raised a napkin to wipe away some
sauce on the corner of Zhu Sha's lips.
I was just about to warn Ding Ding not to forget his
decorum in front of the boss, Lu Feng had already slammed
his chopsticks on the table, his voice deepened to a scary
decibel level: " What are you two up to! "
Ding Ding was shocked out of his wits, the napkin frozen
in his hand, Zhu Sha was also bewildered.
" Are you still Xiao Chen's girlfriend? ! Flirting with other
men in front of him !"
My prawn fell into the soup bowl again.
Chapter Thirty

If Ding Ding's stare could kill, I would be dead by now.

" No such things. " I defended myself in a small voice.
" Did you tell Boss that I'm your girlfriend? " Zhu Sha had
a sudden revelation, " Have you been having a secret crush
on me, and all these time I did not discover it? Such a pity,
why didn't you tell me ........"
" It's not like that ........ " I wish I have an extra set of
mouth to explain my way out of this situation. I am certain
Ding Ding is about to pounce on me any second.
" Cheng Yi Chen you are a despicable person !"
My dear Ding Ding ....... I ....... I do not know whether to
laugh or cry, "You need to believe me, I have no improper
thoughts towards your Zhu Sha."
" Trust me to treat you as my friend, I may have a pair of
eyes but I'm blind!" Ding Ding mutter with a great sense of
injustice.
Zhu Sha gloated over this unfolding disaster with a wide
grin, " Yi Chen, if you have truly fallen in love with me, then
confess it quickly, between you and Ding Ding, I will surely
pick you."
If I do not start swearing to the heavens and the earth and
everything in purgatory right now, then I might as well hang
a noose around my own neck.
" I swear that if I, Cheng Yi Chen, ever developed any
undesirable intentions towards Zhu Sha then I will
%^&*^%$%%*$%$$......"
Fully aware that I would soon have to face some
repercussion from a Lu Feng who is currently portraying an
indecipherable expression, I still had to pacify Ding Ding
first.
Only after listening to a series of death oaths did Ding
Ding quelled his jealousy enough to calm down slightly, but
not before adding: " Then why did Boss say.........."
"I said it in jest, it was just a dumb misunderstanding. " I
explained apologetically. Lu Feng sweeping eyes on me
made me feel acutely awkward," I, I need to use the
washroom."
The few minutes I took to linger at the side of the sink
feeling downcast was apparently sufficient time for the
three of them to not only thaw out the previous cold
attitudes but to also add a few more degrees of enthusiasm.
The moment I sat down, Zhu Sha and Ding Ding unitedly
said in a resounding voice, " Yi Chen, tell him!"
" What, what about?" I respond belatedly.
" Tell him that you do not have a girlfriend."
I was stunned; " Why do I ............."
" He refused to believe us that you are still single, so we
placed a bet that whoever lose, will foot the full bill for the
table!"
I inwardly stamp my foot in frustration, feeling the
circumference of my head growing a few inches bigger.
Initially, I planned to edit my story to Lu Feng, changing
my girlfriend's identity from Zhu Sha to someone else. How
on earth do I justify myself now.
" Speak up!" The two looked at me with a bubbling
excitement. Lu Feng tapped the table idly with his long
slender fingers, emitting a subtle smile.
I scanned the amount of dishes on the table, and mentally
estimated the total price.
I will likely not be able to walk out of here alive if I do not
come clean.
Shaking my head wearily, I could feel a migraine coming
on.
 Lu Feng grinned, and took out a credit card from his
wallet.
The two of them let out a cheer, I had to hold myself back
from flinging them out of this eighth floor window.
Inside Lu Feng's car, I was nervous and jittery. Fearing that
any moment he might ask about my lie.
I did not want him to know that I lived a sad life.
Fortunately, he did not pry.
He drove in silence for a while, and said offhandedly: "
Let's have a look at the place you are staying at."
" Ah?" I felt terribly embarrassed, " My place is small and
run-down, and nothing fun at all to do, let's not..........."
" Is that the kind of hospitality you show to your guests?"
He frowned.
" No ........."I was tongue-tied, " .............. Then, please wait
at the door for ten minutes before coming in."
Ten minutes was barely enough time for me to straighten
out the wrinkled bedsheets and unbundle the quilt, gather
all the trash into the garbage bin, tidy up the books on the
table and wipe it down, throw the worn clothes and
underwear into the laundry room, and at the last few
seconds, spray some air freshener in the air.
" You are not using this ten minutes to toss the woman
you are hiding out the window are you. " Lu Feng said
mockingly as he walked in.
My face turned red, although knowing full well that his
house would be in a condition ten times worse if not for
hired help.
" Are you sharing the apartment with someone?"
" Mm, someone from the same company. He does not
come back often."
This roommate of mine pays his monthly rent but hardly
occupies his room, choosing to spend most of his time
having a jolly good time at his girlfriend's. The occasions he
brought his girlfriend over had been pure torture. The two
bedrooms and one living room apartment has such thin
partitions that whatever took place on the other side of the
wall can be heard, so loud and clear that I had to stuff my
ears with Japanese heavy rock music just to cover up some
of the noise. Truly impressive .........
In the living room, the landlord left behind an old sofa, and
old TV and an old radio etc, etc. It feels more comfortable on
the bum sitting on the floor then on that sofa. My roommate
and I have experimented and proven that if you want to
watch the TV, you have to preheat it for an hour. If you want
to listen to the radio, you need to preheat it for half an hour.
I have always wanted to get rid of these useless items to
make space for my increasing number of books and CDs,
yet was afraid that when we return the apartment, the
landlord would give us a hard time. So those rubbish items
remained as it was.
Lu Feng had an astonished look.
He is like a person of abundance not knowing the meaning
of what it feels to be hungry and thirsty. The shocking
amount of rent in this prime location is something he would
never appreciate. For the amount of wages a fresh graduate
receives to be able to live like this is considered very
privileged.
" Let's watch the movie then." He said enthusiastically.
As we past by a video rental shop earlier, I quickly
grabbed a couple of classic movies to entertain him lest he
gets bored. I could not expect him to read a book, listen to
music or go on the internet all day.
In my opinion, besides Schindler's List, all the other
movies was not worth our time to watch. Even though I
have seen it a few times, I was willing to give it another
rewatch. I initially thought that a person like Lu Feng with
high standards would be bored by this kind of dull, black
and white movie, and might doze off before reaching the
middle of it, instead, not only did he not fall asleep, he
seemed very engrossed.
 " This is what artistic cinematic style is all about." I added
in a whisper. " Nothing sensational but the more you want
the audience to feel the misery, the colder the lense of the
camera it must be."
" I always felt that it is all drama to make a show out of
crying." Lu Feng gave a slight kick to the other movie titles
with pompous crying scenes. " Real pain, will never produce
such hearty cries." He gritted his teeth; "You won't even
......... be able to speak a single word ......... like when
.........."
Chapter Thirty One

He paused abruptly. We could hear the howling of the wind

outside the window in the sudden stillness.
The sky was pelting rain, thundery dark clouds with strong
gusts of wind.
" Freakish weather." He uttered under his breath.
It was already past dinnertime, we were both feeling
hungry, it felt like too much of a hassle going out for dinner
or calling for food delivery in this bad weather, so I got down
to cooking.
I presented to him a few packets of instant ramen and
inquired: " Can you ..... eat this? "
" I can eat anything that doesn't require me to make them
myself."
The kitchen is barely equipped for cooking, more suited to
pile an assortment of junk. Two single men would never take
the trouble to cook a full-on three course dinner with rice, a
dish and a soup. An electric cooker tucked in the corner is
an adequate appliance for me to whip up the occasional rice
or noodles.
I managed to salvage some eggs from the fridge, along
with some tomato which I eat for the sole purpose of
replenishing some vitamins from my fruit-deprived diet, and
lastly some long shelf life dried mushrooms. Without even a
slice of ham, my task is comparable to reviving a dead
horse.
Boil some water, soak the mushrooms, beat the eggs,
slice up the tomato, my extensive experience in making
instant ramen has finally come in handy, the end result
looked fairly satisfactory lacking only in color.
 I called Lu Feng over for dinner, and was immediately at a
nonplus. I was so inexcusably lazy that I would simply eat
out of the pot directly, and as such, bowls are non-existent
in this household. Surely, I cannot possibly serve the food to
him in a mug?
" Let's just eat it out of the pot together." Lu Feng said
nonchalantly.
I passed him the single pair of chopsticks while I used the
spoon, then sat down to eat Master Kang's authentic pork
ribs noodles.
We ate slowly, chopsticks and spoon clashing from time to
time, the impact making a slight clanking sound. The soup is
very hot, steam rising up constantly, blurring our visions.
To be able to slurp noodles from the same pot with the
person you love, heads inches apart, I genuinely felt very
contented. Happiness is always such a frail and delicate
thing, that I do not dare to wish for more.
" Give me the spoon."
" Huh?"
" What do you mean by huh, are you expecting me to
drink the soup using chopsticks ?"
I watched him take the spoon to scoop a spoonful of soup
directly into his mouth.
" Ah, the soup is so tasty. You have quite a talent there
making instant ramen soup taste so good. Xiao Chen you
can just spend your whole life making it for me."
" It's just instant soup, if it is just to fill the stomach now
and then it's alright, but no one can eat it all their lives. " I
had on a meaningless smile, "........... There will be someone
in your future who will make delicious meals for you
everyday." I am never under any delusion that I am qualified
to fill that role.
After dinner we watched another movie, the rain showing
no sign of abetting, and it was getting dark. Lu Feng looked
at his watch and looked outside the window: " I will stay
overnight here, do you mind?"
 " Ah?" I shaked my head vigorously. " I don't mind, of
course not."
Even though it is a shabby place, at least my bed is clean,
albeit messy, and definitely without any weird smell. The air
conditioning unit in the bedroom is either second hand or
third hand, sounding like a hidden generator when it is
turned on. The noise it produce are way more than the
warm air it can generate. I only pray that it works normally
tonight, oh, no, better than normal and not give Lu Feng a
fright.
I dug out a clean pair of pajamas for Lu Feng, boiled water
for him to take a bath, tidy up the bed again, and went to
the other bedroom, shook the dust off the sheets and got
ready to spend the night there.
Lying there for a long time, I could not get to sleep. It was
probably too cold, this fellow's blanket is thin and torn and
flimsy, I do not know how he could make do with it. But .....
two persons cuddling together ..... then it makes sense.
" Xiao Chen, Xiao Chen."
As I was about to doze off, I heard Lu Feng calling for me. I
was fully awake instantly: " What is it?"
" The air conditioning seem to be broken."
Fuck, a rare guest in the house, and you have to go on an
all out strike.
I jumped up and dragged my slippers over. Lu Feng was
standing at the door waiting for me, my pajamas looked
small on him. Well he is a good ten centimeters taller than
me. He left the first few buttons of his shirt undone, as if
airing out his chest. I did not dare to linger my eyes on him
any longer then necessary, hastily walked past him, entered
the bedroom and picked up the remote control that was
strewn on the floor and pointed it to the air conditioning
unit, pressing the buttons to evaluate the problem.
?
" ........ It's not broken. Look, it is working. The
temperature is going up ........."
An uncanny silence.
I heard the lock to the door behind me click.
Chapter Thirty Two

I instantly became as stiff as a board, unable to move a

muscle.
I heard him approaching me slowly from behind, and felt
his hands around my waist.
" I'll....... go back to bed now." I swept away his hands
apprehensively, and turned around to leave, " You have a
good rest."
Not even half a step in, the hands around my waist
tightened, and my whole body was hugged firmly.
" You........ You....... You want to.........." I was totally
tongue-tied, and struggling in alarm, I did not even dare to
raise my head to look at him, absolutely petrified, so scared
.......... trembling uncontrollably.
He remained silent, grabbed my chin, raised it up
forcefully, and gave me a kiss.
" No........" I bit down on my teeth and refused to open
them. He clenched down on my chin, his tongue invading
wildly the moment my mouth opened, wrapping himself
around my tongue, sucking on it mercilessly.
I can't do this ........ I can't do this with him anymore.
My legs were aching from tussling against him. No, how
can you treat me like this again ......... there are nothing
between us anymore, how can you ...........
Tongue and lips throbbing with pain, he finally pulled back,
only to sink his teeth down hard on my neck.
" No !" His wide hands are groping uninhabited inside my
clothes, rubbing with an unbearable intensity. I desperately
tried to stop his hands from squeezing all over my chest : "
No........ you let go.........." I could hear the desperation in my
own voice.
He threw me onto the bed effortlessly, continuing the kiss
without interruption. His hands held unyieldingly to the
sides of my head while I twist around in futility, my entire
frame firmly supported without an inch of freedom to
escape.
Only when a sweet taste of iron arise in my mouth did he
release it, watching me from above intently: " Why ?"
I did not even have the strength to swallow the saliva
flooding in my mouth.
" Why did you have to..... lie to me ?" He lowered his head
again, to kiss my lips, extremely tenderly this time. Once,
twice.........., " You clearly don't have a girlfriend, yet lie to
me ? Why ?"
I was completely at a loss for words and could only gaze
at him.
" You still care for me don't you ?"
My whole body tensed, and started struggling uselessly
again: " I do not ........ I do not ........."
" Don't lie to me.........." He pulled out a hand to rip off the
upper half of my pajamas, " You obviously .......have not
forgotten me ........"
" No ....... it's not true .........." Our naked upper bodies
rubbing tightly against each other is gradually making me
lose all my senses, "Don't ........"
As my bottoms were being pulled off, I strained with all
my might: " We can't ........... We have already .........."
My heart had already betrayed me a long time ago by
belonging to him. If my last vestige of defense to my body is
also broken, then with regards to this person .......... I really
would have lost all abilities to protect myself.
" I miss you." He held me so tightly that my last
restraining power is nearly stripped off, his hot shaft
squeezed in between my legs, " Xiao Chen ........ I miss you
so much ........"
 I stared at him with swelling eyes. Why does his face look
so blurry?
" Can we be one ?"
" .............." Getting more blurred ..........
" Don't cry......... let's be together shall we ?"
" ................."
" Shall we ?"
I choked: " No.......... Lu Feng, Lu Feng ............"
You can choose not to love me, but ........ please do not
make a fool out of me, I, I ....... will not be able to survive
another trauma ..........
Hips were lifted, and I felt him push inside of me heavily.
I made a soft whine like a cat.
Filled to the brim in an instant, I could only hold on tight to
his shoulders, on the verge of crying out: " Please don't
........ I'm so scared ........."
" Be good, you will be ok ........." He arched his back
sharply, and his movements became fiercer, " Xiao
Chen......... Xiao.......... Chen......."
" Ah........ " My fingernails dug deep into the flesh of his
shoulders, shaking my head aimlessly, hoping to ease a
little of the unexpected discomfort, " No, ah........."
My back rubbing rigorously against the sheets, my breath
became chaotic, my legs pressed against my chest, the
hands supporting me stretched around my waist. I could not
find the slightest avenue to dodge, his rhythm so aggressive
that it is not much different from being violated, my waist
bending so much it felt like it might break.
" Lu Feng, Lu Feng...... no more..........." Besides protesting
in tears, it seemed like there was nothing more I can do.
" Be good for me..........." He lowered his head to bite my
lips, and it bled again, " You are having a reaction ......... still
lying to me ? Huh ? !"
My lips were sucked on impassionedly, my breath became
difficult, the sudden increase in his thrusting almost
throwing me off the edge, I want to scream but I could no
longer produce any sound.
"Ah......." I could not open my eyes, my whole body
shaking.
" Xiao Chen........ Xiao Chen............"
I was confused, my body was convulsing passively, and I
could not even hang on to his shoulders anymore. Suddenly
I felt a blazing heat flood inside my rear, making my skin
break out in goosebumps.
Lu Feng stopped to pant, the place we were connected
continued to throb, my whole body shuddering unceasingly.
" Xiao Chen........" He maintained this position, not
withdrawing. He moved his hand to hold my face, parting
the sweat covered hair away to reveal my tear-stained face,
" Are you ok ?"
I do not know, I really do not know. To have such extreme
contact with him at this level of intimacy, my heart felt like
it would explode any minute.
From head to toe, I have lost control of my body. My mind
could not summon any thoughts, nor could I bring myself to
think of anything.
I can only twist my fingers weakly around his arms.
Holding on to this person.
Lu Feng, Lu Feng, are you........ are you...... being serious
with me? Will you...... not leave me again?
Another earnest kiss, I do not have the courage nor the
strength to take the lead, only weakly opening my mouth to
welcome his intrusion. Feeling his kiss getting deeper and
deeper, my sexual needs stirred up wildly. I covered his
tongue frantically, and sucked on it clumsily.
The body pressing down on me shook violently with this
unexpected move.
I was lifted up suddenly, turned around in dazzling speed
and thrown on my stomach. My head and vision have yet to
recover from the dizziness, a powerful offensive entered me
making me grip the sheets ferociously.
 Lu Feng strong and bulky frame completely covered me
from behind, my back pressed tightly to his chest, rubbing
so hard that it could just ignite. My body swayed front and
back along with his powerful movements, losing all
autonomy.
I sunk my teeth into the bedsheets whining softly.
" Does it hurt?" His hand reached over to the front
caressing my chest, the other hand reaching down to my
hot and swollen member who had lost all hopes of being
satisfied, desperately seeking for a release.
" Ah....... no......" I could not even bite the sheets anymore,
shaking my head blindly. I have no power against his skillful
and fervent maneuver. And this coupled with the warm
pleasurable twitch from behind.
" Ah...... ah....... no........ ah........................."
His ruthless rubbing finally sealed the deal, making me
gush out so hard.
I closed my eyes gasping sharply, my lower abdomen
clenched tight and trembling. He smeared his hand full of
my semen onto my chest, biting my sweaty back while
panting. The more he bites, the more the manhood he left
inside me swelled.
" No, no......." I writhed in vain. I am too exhausted, my
lower half completely numbed. I cannot go again ............
" But I have not had enough........." He turned my face
around, kissing me, " Xiao Chen...... I can't hold it back....... I
want you........" he was pumping again with excitement, his
body boiling hot, so hot it felt like it will melt down and burn.
Many years ago, isn't that what you said to me?
" Everyone wants to do it with the person he likes, I am no
different ...... I ....... can't hold myself back. Doing it with you
is so pleasurable and so satisfying ...... I only hope that you
can feel as blissful as me.
So, so can I assume....... that I am still the person that you
like now?
 I...... I, if I feel this happiness, could it be the same for
you?
If, if I am still in love with you, you........ will also feel the
same?
Chapter Thirty Three

I woke up aching and tingling all over, in a trance. It felt like

I had a long and demanding dream. Lu Feng has left. I
glanced at the clock while putting on my clothes,
acknowledging that the bonus for full attendance this month
is down the drain, I might as well sit down and space out for
a minute.
Lu Feng left a note, and a weighty door key.
His writing were as straightforward and impolite as his
speech: " I will head back to the office first, you can get a
day off." A few paragraph spacing below, an additional line:
" Move in, let's stay together."
To be able to return to his side was a far-fetched dream I
secretly harbored.
A dream does not always become reality. And the reality is
I might one day have to hand over the key and get kicked
out into the streets with my bags.
He had forsaken me once, it would be much easier and
less burdensome to do it a second time.
The problem is that I do not think I can survive another
major upheaval in my life.
Making a rash decision during a moment of passion is one
thing, but when you have woken up and still do not
comprehend that this is not a fairy tale, then that is a whole
different story. The reality of the matter is such that the
more I ponder over it, the more clear-headed I am. Making
this decision would mean I can never lay my eyes on this
precious key ever again, which I could not bear to let go
right now, so I enclosed it in the box together with the silver
ring, and take it out every night to look at it like a beloved
baby before I sleep.
Lu Feng did not take the initiative to look for me, I knew
he was waiting for my answer.
Whether I nod or shake my head, it both requires an
enormous amount of courage, I could not find myself taking
a step towards either side.
In hiding for more than two weeks, the stress had made
me lose more weight. Zhu Sha covertly brought a tape
measure and made me measure my waist, the
circumference just about 20 inches, more effective than any
diet shakes she ever took. Seeing my clothes dangling
around my body, Zhu Sha was super envious.
After work, Zhu Sha enthusiastically tried to get a group of
us to go to a Japanese restaurant. It is payday. This has
always been our modus operandi, a rich man at the
beginning of the month and a pauper by the end of it, to a
point where even buying instant noodles involved a careful
selection of the cheaper variants.
" You, you, you, you, and you, none of you think of
escaping." This woman authoritatively ticked off a number
of people in her list, needless to say me and Ding DIng are
indispensable.
" Can I choose the 100 yuan buffet instead of ordering ala
carte ?" I smiled wryly. " I need to save money to get an
upgrade for my computer, last month I only managed to
save 50 cents........."
" The Queen decides what we eat, stop being a nag!"
Ding Ding this dog traitor.
Quarreling all the way out the office, we saw a dark blue
BMW sports car parked along the road seemingly waiting for
someone. Everyone could recognize it as the Boss' mount.
I instinctively hid behind Ding Ding.
This exasperating man swiftly moved to block Zhu Sha
instead: " Zhu Sha, we agreed to go together, if he is here to
invite you for dinner, you must not agree!"
 His heartfelt genuineness was rewarded by Zhu Sha's
proclamation: "Crazy !"
Lu Feng walked over to greet everyone, his eyes looking
at me: " I have something to discuss with Yi Chen."
I flinched and shrank back, he reached out for my arms
calmly: " Let's talk in the car."
" We have arranged to go for Japanese food together!" I
pointed to the group.
" Oh? I have not taken dinner too, we might as well go
together, my treat."
" It's ok no need." This gang is rarely so united in their
response, " Just go ahead and take your time." And promptly
made a clean getaway.
A friendly dinner amongst colleagues is like eating
atmosphere, the presence of the boss it becomes like eating
cutleries. Everyone understands this logic.
" You planned to have Japanese cuisine? Then let's find a
restaurant." Lu Feng looks laid back as he drove the car, his
sleeves rolled up to expose a pair of long, beautiful muscled
arms. The heater in the car must be set too high as I felt my
palms starting to sweat. The strength embodied beneath
that fitting silk shirt is something I know fully well. In such
close proximity to me, I cannot help being nervous.
" Don't trouble yourself, I'll just grab a quick takeaway will
do......... I have to rush for a design plan by tonight............"
He might as well have not heard me and as he continued
driving.
Chapter Thirty Four

He requested for a private room. The waitress dressed in a

kimono respectfully sat on her knees to serve the final dish,
and retreated from the room, lowering her eyes when
closing the sliding paper doors.
" One dish at a time, how bothersome." Lu Feng
complained. He is apparently not impressed by what he
deemed as excessive formality.
He put on a pretense of sitting the traditional Japanese
way on his knees, for all of thirty seconds before giving up,
his legs stretching out into a lazy posture. When his feet
touched my knees, he did not retract, instead deviously
pushing them between my knees.
I was taken aback, and shifted backwards.
Lu Feng raised his eyes: " Are you avoiding me ?"
" No......." I would be stupid not to deny.
" Come closer then." He patted the space next to him, "
Don't sit so far from me."
I braced myself and crawled over next to him, not
knowing where to place my hands and feet.
" Are you not hungry? Why are you not eating ?"
At the command I started eating mechanically.
" Have a drink." I took the small ceramic cup over and
placed it to my overstuffed mouth.
After a series of shots, my face started to heat up.
He stretched out his hands to hug around my waist like it
is the most natural thing to do: " Hey, your face is red."
This sentence was whispered right next to my ear, my
hand shook involuntarily causing the sake to pour out.
 " Sorry..........." The stain of the spill is spreading rapidly on
his pants. Holy moly ........... this pair of trousers probably
cost as much as my entire month's pay ........... I quickly
fumbled for a napkin and starting wiping on his thighs
frantically, desperately trying to perform some damage
control. Wiping and wiping. My hands touched a hot and
hard area.
Lu Feng observed my sudden apprehension and quick
withdrawal of my hands, a lazy mocking smile spread on his
face: " Is something wrong ?"
" ......................."
He advanced in, exhaling a breath over my face. As soon
as I opened my mouth to gasp, he blocked my lips
completely and thoroughly. Hugging around my waist he
raised me, pulled apart my legs, and wrapped it around his
waist pushing his genitals against mine.
The unexpected kiss carried with it a carnivorous lust, his
tongue entangled strongly with mine, one hand plunged into
my coat rubbing my chest, another hand unbuckling my
belt.
" No." I pulled my lips away with difficulty, struggling to
grab his roaming hands. " Don't do this................"
" What are you afraid of, no one is going to come in." Lu
Feng would in any circumstances remain calm and steady.
He skillfully rolled my thin sweater up to expose my chest,
bowed his head to kiss my chest lightly, the palm of hands
sliding like slippery creatures into my loosened pants,
holding on to my hips.
" Stop this........."
Under his forceful kiss and groping, my lustful reaction
had long been as obvious as his, but my self-consciousness,
the shy and inferior side of me, was stubbornly rejecting his
advances, so I kept on twisting and resisting, pushing him to
a breaking point. He clenched my waist firmly and raised it
up to a higher position, ready to penetrate me.
 " No !" I shoved at him, kicking and fighting to avoid the
burning hard member he kept pushing in.
" Be good a little."
" No, I don't want."
Probably coming to a realization that my defiance is
particularly fierce and persistent this time, Lu Feng
reluctantly stopped, and did not continue. He just stared at
me coldly for a while, and released me: "Why?"
I crawled down from his lap in chagrin, my knees too weak
to stand back up, I sat down to pull back the pants that had
fallen down to my ankles.
" Why ? Are you not willing to be with me ?"
His cold demeanor reminded me of the first time we had
sex. Cold sweat started forming.
I cannot get into an argument with him, absolutely not.
" It's not that........."
" Tell me now, do you want to start anew ?" He asked
emphasizing each word.
" I don't know........." My voice was so soft, carrying with it
none of the resolution I should have summoned. I kept my
head lowered, no longer certain if it is out of a guilty
conscience or exhaustion from my internal struggle, " Just
give me a little more time.......... give me some time to
think, would you ?"
" There's nothing to think about." Lu Feng was getting
infuriated, " Yes, or no, is it that hard to answer ?"
He dressed himself, and kept quiet for a long time,
obviously trying to calm himself down and finally said in a
soothing tone: " I will not disturb you. Think about it, and
give me a call, ok ?" He reached out to pat my head,
roughing my hair up into a mess.
It is not that I do not want to, I just do not dare to.
If I take this leap of faith, and fall over, I fear that I will
never be able to get back up again.
Chapter Thirty Five

Ding Ding suffered another lecture from Zhu Sha.

" The Boss had a few extra words with you and your head
has swelled so much you might just float to the clouds! Look
at our Yi Chen, so humble, unlike you! Born to always be an
insignificant character, first to stick out and first to die, two
legs stepping on two boats, you will never have any hopes
of being one of a kind !"
Ding Ding had a perpetual look of delight on his face while
being scolded, he loved to be abused by Zhu Sha, even an
egoistic man would turn into a slut under the hands of the
woman he loves.
After the berating, he went about in a jubilant mood to
buy a yogurt for Queen Zhu Sha. Without the supervisor
around, everyone tucked into their individual spaces to
count sheep, no one was interested in the little office
drama.
Zhu Sha along with her branded dress came and sat next
to me in my corner: " Yi Chen, accompany me to have ice
cream fondue after work."
I did not raise my head: " Please spare me, and spare Ding
Ding."
" Ding Ding has not an ounce of ambition, you are much
better."
That is because I am not enamoured of women.
" Why hasn't he made any progress? He has been chasing
after you for so long, the number of books he has read on
understanding women could fill an entire book shelf, he
should be more of an expert than a specialist now." I am
fully aware that Zhu Sha is not attracted to me, only looking
down on Ding Ding being as tasteless as chicken ribs used
to make chicken stock, hoping for something more
interesting.
" His tricks are limited to sending flowers and dinner
treats, nothing extraordinary."
" To be so persistent in performing these two tasks are
already very admirable, what more do you expect ?"
Humans are never contented. "Do you want him to commit
murder and arson for you, or shoot a satellite into space ?"
Zhu Sha still looks disgruntled: " Simply agreeing to date
him is so dull, no one to compete with me, to be in such a
relationship really does not feel like much of an
accomplishment."
I learned that the value of a man is determined by how
many competitors he can command.
" Our department has more males than females, should
we get a guy to compete against you for Ding Ding ?" She
was in a reverie. " Speaking of which, it isn't like there is no
one in this company, the sweet-looking girl in sales
department asked me about Ding Ding recently."
" Which one ?" Zhu Sha recovered her spirits
instantaneously.
" What's her name now, it's Moustache's junior sister,
anyway the one who came to look for Moustache the other
time and had a nice long chat with Ding Ding."
" You mean the one who looks like a female fox ?" It is
impossible to tell if the current expression on Zhu Sha is one
of nervousness or anticipation. " Her eyes look a bit spastic,
with single eyelids no less."
........ Pigs will fly when she can describe other women as
pretty.
I allowed her to sit there on my folder getting excited for
some inexplicable reason.
Ding Ding returned with two cups of yogurt to find his
status miraculously elevated. Zhu Sha took over the yogurt
and made her first move, saying to him out of the blue: "
Let's watch a movie tonight."
Poor Ding Ding rubbed his hands in elation, he would not
have refuted it if someone told him the sun had risen from
the north, south, east and west all together. It had always
been him chasing after Zhu Sha, begging, inviting, offering,
finally the tide has turned.
For the next few days, Ding Ding was as happy as an
immortal, and uncharacteristically well-tempered. I really
envy his simple man's bessing: " The two of you better not
burn the bridge that brought you across the river, flying
away as a pair and leave me hanging on a tree."
Ding Ding gave one of his signature smirk: " That's right,
Yi Chen, you might be young, but surely you are at an age
where you want to be in love? Why is there no hint of that
so far ?"
This kid is such a busybody.
" I am afraid of being dumped." It came out in a joking
manner, but it is the truth.
" You are afraid of getting in a car accident why do you
travel on the road everyday ?"
" If you die in a car accident, your misery ends there, to
be abandoned, what you go through is worse than
death............"
" Seeing you carrying yourself with such composure, I did
not expect you to be so pessimistic !" Ding Ding rolled his
eyes scornfully at me: " If I am half as cynical as you, I
would not be able to touch even the corner of Zhu Sha's
clothes now."
"Opportunity comes to those who are ready for it,
happiness comes to those who seek it." This fellow had a
sudden streak of poetic inspiration, and was so proud of it.
" Ding Ding.......... " I hesitated, " If you had a past
lover...... who have left you, if she comes back now to
confess to you, would you accept her ?"
" Do you love her ?"
 I nodded my head.
" That settles it. Nothing much more to discuss about.
Mutual love, what's there not to accept."
" There was indeed a period of time she did not love me
anymore."
" And you take this to heart, and hold a petty grievance
about it ?"
" It is not about being petty, I am just worried that she will
get tired of me again."
" I really don't understand your rationale." Ding Ding
shaked his head. "Why make a simple matter so
complicated? In love with each other, then be with each
other."
" As simple as that ?"
" If not, then? How complex do you want it to be ?" Ding
Ding gave me an exasperated look, "This EQ level of yours,
trust me to treat you as my strategist in the past, taking
your advice on courting Zhu Sha. It is no wonder it took me
this long to catch her."
This ungrateful thing..............
Ding Ding's rhetoric did not convince me fully.
As for Lu Feng, I want to take another gamble.
Using all my remaining courage and luck to place a final
wager.
Will you be able to give me happiness? When I have stake
my all on one throw?
Chapter Thirty Six

I retrieved the ring and the key from the box. The ash-
coloured ring felt like it has shrunk, after much effort it
finally slip on my finger.
It may not fit me well anymore, but I still look upon it as a
much cherished object, as a reminder of the times when
love kept us going, when everything else stopped moving.
I tried Lu Feng's mobile, it was turned off, automatically
diverting to text messaging. I tried his home number, no
one picked up, and was once again diverted to a voice
messaging inbox, so I hung up. He has likely gone out for
some social events. I had such a yearning to see him that I
decided I could sit around and wait for him at his home.
Holding the key in my hand I suddenly felt a wave of
butterflies in my guts, fumbling around the keyhole for a
long time before slotting it in.
A superior door knob does not even make a single squeak
when it locks and unlocks. I took a deep breath, pushed the
door open, and took a step forward.
One step, that was all it took, for my eyes to capture the
image of two male figures intertwined on that Nordic sofa.
For a split second, I had a suspicion that it was just a
figment of my imagination, however among the two male
bodies, one with a strong and fair-skinned back of mixed
Caucasian blood stood out like a sore thumb, unmistakably
Lu Feng's.
I was in total stupefaction, rooted in position with one leg
forward.
Perhaps I should have readjusted my stance or rearranged
the shocked expression on my face to make myself appear
more indignant, but I could not control any parts of my
anatomy.
Lu Feng was the one who raised his head first, upon
seeing my stunned self, he froze: " Xiao Chen ?"
The sound of his voice might as well be cold water
splashed across my face, thoroughly and completely waking
me up. I let go of the key still inserted in the keyhole, spun
around and hurried away. I have to count my lucky stars that
this was a stand-alone house, at the very least I did not
have to disgrace myself again rolling down some stairs.
" Xiao Chen, Xiao Chen ! Wait !"
" Listen to me !" Lu Feng's unchecked strength is so strong
that the wrist he twisted to pull me back felt like it had
dislocated, " I can explain........."
I looked at him in my disheveled state of mind.
Quietly I waited for his explanation, preparing to hang on
to every word coming out of his mouth, whatever reasons
he gives to justify the situation, I am willing to be deceived. I
can pretend to be stupid and believe anything, as long as
this pain in my heart stops, I will accept it.
" I thought you will never come, so I looked for
others.............."
" Lu Feng !" I screamed at him cutting him off, I was hit by
an acute dizziness, a curtain of blackness taking over my
eyes. I consciously swallowed my saliva to ensure that the
words proceeding out of my mouth next would not carry any
ambiguity: " If you want someone to sleep with you, I am
indeed not the suitable person. You are right to find
someone else."
The ring was too tight, I gritted my teeth and pulled it off
tearing some skin with it, and it finally loosened.
" Take this back." He did not receive it, so I threw it at his
face.
This is it, it is over. The ring returned, the key returned. I
have nothing left, cleaned from any attachments, no future,
no worries, no love, no hate. All up in smokes.
 This is good.
I hid myself in the bedroom, not making a sound, only
shuddering ceaselessly.
Zhu Sha and Ding Ding both thought that I must have lost
my mind, without any rhyme or reason absent from work for
several days, only returning to submit a resignation notice.
" I think this job does not suit me." My demeanor was that
of a dense person.
" If it is not suitable you can request for alternative
arrangements. If you want a new job scope, just approach
the boss, from your past acquaintance with him this should
be a trivial matter."
" We are no acquaintances." Even having a conversation
with them is extremely taxing, " Just ex-classmates."
Any personnel transfer or resignation had to go through
the formality of approval from the managing director, if I
want the complete set of termination and referral papers, I
would have to bring the notice to Lu Feng himself.
I knocked on his door and was let in, he was in the middle
of a heated conversation on the phone, bellowing out
orders. When he raised his head and saw me, he could not
hide his consternation. He wrapped up his call, sat upright,
and looked at me with overwrought nerves.
I did not understand why he would look so spooked, was
he worried I would throw a bitch fit right there in his office or
even hit him?
I am not a clown.
" Managing Director."
The colors on his face shifted slightly.
" After your perusal please provide a signature." I placed
the resignation letter in a deferential manner in front of him,
respectfully.
" Yi Chen." He breathed with all his self-control, "That man
does not mean anything at all, whatever it was between me
and him goes as far as exactly what you saw, nothing
more."
 " Please provide a signature."
" It is all my fault, but you don't need to resign, there will
be nothing like this ever again in future, I guarantee you.
You move over, and if you still mind what happened, I will
replace all the furniture in the house."
His self defense convey the impression that I am stirring
the pot because of some petty jealousy.
Lu Feng, you do not know, that you very nearly killed me.
Chapter Thirty Seven

* Warning: This chapter contains a depiction of sexual

violence
" I would like to quit, I have to trouble the director for your
signature."
If you feel even an ounce of guilt towards me, please just
grant me this one thing.
Lu Feng's face visibly dimmed.
" You have read the contract. You should know how much
the penalty for early termination is, is it an amount you can
afford ?" He used a business-like tone, " You don't have it, so
get back to work."
I placed a paper envelope on the desk: " Please tally the
amount."
The possibility of someone intentionally defaulting on the
employment agreement is almost non-existent and so the
outrageous amount set for liquidated damages almost
bankrupted me. The envelope contained all the savings I
have since the day I put aside my first dollar. Little did I
know that all these hard earned, disciplined savings would
one day be used for such an honourable purpose.
" You came fully prepared." He glared at the envelope, "
What do you want me to do ? Do you want me to beg you
on my knees ? ! !"
" I am only here to hand in my resignation." Please just
treat it as a kind deed, throw me a signature and let me out.
I do not know how much longer I can stand here.
He inhaled sharply, refusing to speak another word while
he furiously tried to suppress his temper, which turned out
be in vain as he exploded: " Am I really not worthy of
forgiveness? Any normal man have physical needs, you are
a man too, surely you can understand ?"
" Or are you telling me that you remained chaste for me
throughout these years ? Besides me, no other men has
touched you ? !" He raised his eyes revealing a scowl, " If
that is the case, I will do anything you asked of me. Let you
go or kowtow to you, as long as you say it, I will do it."
I thought of Qin Lang. And kept my mouth closed.
Not answering is the clearest, irrefutable answer. Lu Feng
sneered at me: " So what right do you have to criticise me
?"
My mind could not be in a bigger mess.
" What kind of men did you sleep with ?" The question
dripping with cruelty, " Are they better than me in bed? How
many have you had in these past five years, hey ?"
" It's none of your business."
I have never rebutted him directly before, Lu Feng was
severely taken aback.
" Who do you think you are? What rights do you have
butting into my business? How many men I had before, how
is that any of your concern? Why? You really want to know,
too bad I can't even remember myself! Did you honestly
think I am stupid enough to wait for you for five years? Did
you think you would be the only one in my heart? Or do you
think that every time I had sex with a man I will scream out
your name? Do you think I am an idiot? Stop dreaming ! Any
random one of them is ten times better than you, they have
more ways of fucking me then you ever did, and you think
you were so great.........."
" PA ! "
A crisp and loud slap across my face left me stunned and
broken like a wooden puppet with its strings cut.
A taste of blood in my mouth. His brute strength...... is
really massive.
I am not surprised to be beaten, he never had a good
temper. Even when we were in a relationship, he was never
a gentle and giving lover, not to mention now.
" What are you doing ?"
I was pressed down firmly on his desk, items scattering
everywhere onto the floor in the struggle.
He tore off my pants like a beast, and with a crazed
strength pulled apart my thighs, entering me brutally.
" You're crazy ! !" This development was beyond all my
expectations, and beyond what I can endure.
I put up an all out fight, " You bastard ! Let go of me ! You
animal, animal............"
He did not respond, only raising his hand to reward me
with another resounding slap.
My head tilted to the side, numbed with pain. It took me a
while to recover my breath. I hissed out the words: " Lu
Feng, I will hate you forever."
" Go ahead." That was all he said.
He started thrusting mercilessly. My voice choked in my
throat, the pain so intense that my eyes turned bloodshot,
bitting down hard on my lips, a small guttural sound
escaping from it.
I did not protest further, digging my fingers onto the desk,
bending them so hard my nails almost broke.
I could not process when it ended. A dead silence that
follows felt like an eternity.
I was in a state of mental disorientation, staring at the
white ceiling with unfocused eyes, not able to distinguish
the look on his face even if I tried.
" Xiao Chen." There were not a trace of familiarity in that
voice.
" Xiao Chen, Xiao Chen........." he repeated in a
monotonous tone, sluggish and dull.
The phone rang, I took the chance to close my eyes.
" I'm not going! I don't care how important it is!
..................... Don't you disturb me again." He slammed
down the phone. It rang again almost immediately.
 " Do you not understand when I told you to piss off !
.......... I can't split at the moment ! ! ........ You can fucking
handle it whichever way you deem fit ! ! ! ........... A
wheezing respiration replaced the verbal altercation as he
quietly listened to the person on the other end, and hung up
the phone.
" Xiao Chen."
I did not move, my eyes tightly closed.
His hands moved clumsily over my messy clothes in an
attempt to tidy them: " I will be out for a while, be good and
wait for me, don't move about. ......... I will be back in a
short while, ok ?"
I appeared to be asleep, or I could be dead, completely
lifeless.
The door to the office room closed softly.
I rested for a while, got up and dressed myself slowly,
pushed the door open and walked out.
Several people stared at me at the train station, probably
never seen a person with such ridiculous swollen cheeks,
clothes disheveled, empty-handedly pouring out all the
small change in his pockets to purchase a train ticket, what
a curious sight.
I sat down in reverie waiting for the train.
This must be the end. All of a sudden, I recalled the blind
fortune teller's recounting of my life destiny. He could not be
more accurate. I should have awarded him more money
back then, and thank him, instead of treating him as a
swindler even insulting him by giving him a can of soda as
payment.
Unfortunately I had been a dimwit and did not heed his
warning. Before today, I have been living the life of a fool.
Chapter Thirty Eight

" Did you seriously fall asleep again ?" Like a thunderous
bellow, Yi Chen's ferocious voice roused me from my
slumber on the floorboard, "From the looks of it, you were
even dreaming ! Is the song I wrote so boring ? ! Look at you
lazybones ! ! ! You are drooling !"
I forced my eyes open, accomplishing it half-way.
He got even more irked, slapping me viciously once on
each side of my butt cheeks: " Which big brother behaves
like you !"
" Aw.. ..." I regained some alertness. Lately, Yi Chen had a
burst of inspiration for song writing, and has been pestering
me to listen to his playing. Who knew that as I lounge
around next to him, I would fall soundly asleep barely a few
measures into the music.
" It, it sounds very good."
" Would you have dozed off if it's good ? It's not a freaking
lullaby !"
".............." I scratched my head, feeling remorseful, " I am
tired.........."
Yi Chen laid down his guitar in a languid manner to stroke
my face: "Tired again ? Brother you look really pale and
unwell........ since the day you came you have been so
listless. Hey, I bought so much good stuff for you to eat,
when can you recover some vitality ?"
" Seriously though, you really scared me that day, did you
get mugged? Your clothes were torn, there were scary red
streaks across your face............" As he was once again
reminded of the episode, his eyebrows raised in fury, "
Where were your brains? ! You did not have a dime on you
and didn't think of giving me a call, I would have transferred
some to you right away? ! So many hours of train journey
and you could not even get yourself a drop of water to
drink, what would I do if you died on the train? You left to
Shanghai without a word, and did not give me any advance
notice that you are returning, only giving me a call when
you have arrived at the train station. Your call frightened me
so much that I had to crawl out through the back door in the
middle of class... ... when I saw you I thought I saw a ghost...
.... What exactly were you up to in Shanghai? To land
yourself in such a destitute state ?"
I used up every dollar left in my wallet to purchase a one-
way ticket to Xiamen. Besides relying on Yi Chen, I could not
think of a second person.
In this whole wide world, he is the only one who never
stopped loving me.
Thankfully, Qin Lang is not around and Yi Chen does not
bring him up, almost as if this man never existed in my
lives, so I could continue to deceive myself and settle there
peacefully.
I share a bed with Yi Chen, we eat out of the same pot,
read the same book spread out on the floor, just like how we
spent our childhood.
Yi Chen's body is very warm, he remembers that his
brother has a chronic intolerance to the winter cold. He
would tuck my feet that were numbed from the cold into the
folds of his legs to defrost them, hugging me so tightly there
are no gaps between us, and allow me to dig my hands
under his arms for more warmth. We were so close it is as if
we were not grown ups now, and those distressing incidents
and disagreements in the past decade or so never
happened.
" Brother, could it be you owe money to loansharks, and
only just managed to escape back here with your life ?"
Yi Chen is excellent in every way, only at times living in
his cloud-cuckoo land.
 I yawned, ignoring him.
" If you are really in debt, I will give you the money, I have
a part-time job, and saved up quite a bit."
He said "give", and not "lend". Yi Chen is such a naive
individual, unfailingly blunt and cordial towards both people
and handling affairs. It is precisely this, that makes him so
much more adorable, and blessed than me.
" If the amount is not enough, I can take on another job
helping a friend at a retail shop... ..."
I pinched his nose affectionately: " I love you, Yi Chen."
That idiot froze for a moment, his face actually turned
bright red: " Bro, Brother, we cannot engage in incest, Mom
and Dad will go crazy... ..."
What, what the fuck, trust me to be in a sentimental mood
and he had to ruin it. I kicked his butt: " Get lost, you wish!
!"
" Bro, I'm hungry."
" You can't be serious, you just had dinner two hours ago
!" Good thing I did not dispose the leftover rice, " I'll make
you some egg fried rice, you can wash up the dishes later."
Yi Chen let out a cheer, hop into the kitchen, took a bowl
and a pair of chopsticks, displayed it neatly on the dining
table and sat down waiting for his fried rice.
The set of hand-me-down kitchen utensils has finally seen
the light of day since the day I arrived. A cold bento meal
eaten during winter always sits uncomfortably in the pit of
the stomach like a block of ice. I would much rather take the
effort to make freshly cooked food, even if it is burnt, you
still get a hot meal.
I discovered that I am exceptionally sensitive to the cold.
Just when I turned off the gas on the stove, followed by
the kitchen lights, and got ready to serve the rice, I heard
knocking on the door. Yi Chen dragged his feet reluctantly to
the door: " Who's here in this cold weather... ..."
" You... ..." Yi Chen jolted in grave shock while the
uninvited guest had already pushed his way into the living
room. He hurriedly regained some composure, "Why are you
here ? ! ! What are you here for ?"
" Did your brother come by ?"
Lu Feng !
Chapter Thirty Nine

It is Lu Feng. My hands and feet froze as I rooted myself to

the spot by the door. From this vantage point I could see
him clearly in the brightly lit living room, while he could not
see me standing in the dark.
Carrying with him a travel-worn appearance, he was
undoubtedly exhausted.
"No!" The rigid response from Yi Chen revealed no traces
of deceit, "What business do you have with my brother?"
"Yi Chen, don't lie to me, how could he not have gone to
you? Where else could he go?" His imploring tone of voice
and stance displayed a hint of humility.
"I am not lying to you." Yi Chen glanced towards the
kitchen anxiously, seemingly worried that I might dash out,
"My brother is mad at me, he took off to Shanghai alone and
have not been back since, he even changed his mobile
number without informing me."
The majority of it is the truth.
"If Xiao Chen is here, let me see him. Just one look, one
look is how I ask for."
"I already said he is not here!" My absolute silence has
given him the added stimulus to refute his arguments. He
must have gathered that I do not wish to meet Lu Feng,
increasing his boldness, "Believe it or not, that's up to you!"
The lone set of tableware proved to be the best defense,
Lu Feng took one look, resigned to the fact, and did not
speak further. They had a standstill for a long while before
he continued with apparent difficulty: "How can this be ......
it would only make sense for him to come to you ...... you
were always close with him ......"
 Yi Chen became flustered: "To tell you the truth, I made a
grave mistake, which made him sad, I fear that he will not
want to see me again for the rest of my life. He did not
inform me when he left, making me go almost crazy
searching for him everywhere, it has been several months I
had no news of him, do you still think he would come
looking for me here?"
Yi Chen, I am so sorry.
"This is impossible ...... I have been to your house to look
for him ...... he did not go home ...... and he is not here ......
where else could he have gone all alone?"
"How would I know, I heard that he might have gone to
Shanghai." Yi Chen was losing his patience, "If you have the
ability, then comb through the whole city, you might just
find him there."
"I already did that, he is not there."
Yi Chen was very surprised: "You..... How did you know
about Shanghai ......"
"I met Xiao Chen there."
Yi Chen made a slight exclamation "Oh", and turned quiet
for a while: " So what if you have met him? My brother is not
the same person as before. Don't forget that you abandoned
him, not writing to him even once, why bother coming back
now."
Lu Feng was dumbfounded: "Is this what he told you? How
could I not have written? I wrote him letters for an entire
year!"
"You're a liar!" Yi Chen clenched his teeth, I am always the
first one to run to my family's mailbox, there were never any
letters from you!"
" Why would I send it to your home address, if I did that, it
would all be confiscated ! Every single letter I had to divert
to a friend in England to mail it to Xiao Chen's school. I
made sure I left instructions for him to send his letters to my
school address so it will not get blocked by my family. He
was the one who never replied ." Lu Feng turned downcast,
"He must have given it a thought, and decided not to have
anything to do with me anymore, in the past........ he had
always been sensitive to others' opinions ... ..."
" My brother he, he....... he........" Yi Chen hesitated, " He
transferred out of his school."
Lu Feng looked at him in astonishment, and could not
speak any further.
" The people responsible for collecting mails probably did
not bother to return them to the post office...... that's why
you did not know ........ As long as it was something meant
for my brother, they did not even want to touch it........" Yi
Chen had to choke out the last sentence, he certainly
remembered how reputable Cheng Yi Chen was during that
period, the mere mention of this name causing mass disgust
and widespread terror, " It's not your fault...... but pity that
guy, coming to me everyday to ask, is there a letter from Lu
Feng, is there a letter from Lu Feng......"
" Transferred ?" Lu Feng repeated himself lost in thoughts,
and gave a long exhale: " It's no wonder then... ... that he
would forget me."
" What do you mean he forgot you !" Yi Chen was livid, he
probably could not stand anyone misunderstanding his
brother, this foolish child.
" He may not say it out loud, but whatever it was that was
eating at his heart, would I not be able to tell ? That sorry
guy did not try to be in another relationship for five years,
obsessively waiting for you, if not........ if not for the fact that
he found out you were getting married, he likely would have
never given up and wait for you his entire life, ......... he
forgot you ? ! That's the biggest joke ever ! It is you who
have forgotten him ! You can even marry a woman, I must
applaud you !"
" You don't have to make him out to be saint !" Lu Feng
tried to control his temper, " Waiting for me to return ? If he
was indeed waiting whole-heartedly for me, would he have
had so many sex partners ? Countless ! What am I to him ?
Of course, I know I don't have the rights to expect him to
wait devotedly for me, but the least he could do is not keep
changing men so happily ............"
" What shit are you spouting ! ! !" Yi Chen is trembling
with anger, " Get the fuck out ! Who's the son of a bitch who
told you these nonsense, and you believed it ? You cannot
see for yourself what kind of person my brother is ? ! Did
you fucking grew eyes out of the back of your head ? ! !"
" Xiao Chen said it himself !" Lu Feng spat out each word,
his face turning green.
" How is that possible ? ! !'
"................."
" I understand now ! You must have done something to
upset him am I right ? You are getting married aren't you ?
He must have said all these to disguise his real emotions...
..."
" I am not getting married, and Xiao Chen knows this, " Lu
Feng is growing frustrated, " I told him long ago that the
engagement was a farce. We nearly......... got back together
.........."
" Then it must be because of something else ." Yi Chen's
intuition can be scaringly spot-on at times, " Did he catch
you red-handed in bed ?"
Lu Feng bit down on his lips.
" You bastard... ..." Yi Chen lunged forward ready to throw
him a punch, but his fist was caught firmly.
" What can I do ? Yi Chen would not even let me touch
him, and I didn't want to force him ! I told him I want to be
with him, and even gave him the keys to my house, but he
did not give me an answer. When I hug him, he struggles so
badly, I am afraid that he would get mad so I didn't dare to
push his buttons, I could only endure. In the office, I had to
secretly look at him all day, he does not know how torturous
it was for me! When you like someone, you naturally want
to hold him, what is so unusual about that ? ! ! I am a man
with normal sexual needs, how long can I keep enduring !
Thinking of him day and night made me sleepless, that
could be why I behaved so recklessly ? I found a man who
looked like him as a substitute, but trust him to actually
catch me in the act, what shitty luck do I have !" Lu Feng
exhaled deeply.
" Yes ! It is all my fault, I wanted to apologize. But I am
never the sort who is good with words, I can't coax, and the
more I try to explain the worse I made it sound," He was so
agitated he started pulling his hair, " If I can be half as
eloquent with him as I am in conducting business
negotiations, I would not land myself in such hot soup today.
In front of him, I become an outright moron, I cannot do or
say anything right, what can I do !"
" He avoided me for several days before coming back to
work, the moment I saw him in my office I cut short an
important phone call. That guy ...... he, he actually came
just to resign !" Lu Feng gritted his teeth, " What's the
meaning of that ? Why can't we talk things out ? I would
have happily let him beat me or scold me, I will accept it all,
as long as he can be pacified, anything is good. The problem
is no matter what I said, he kept repeating coldly ' Please
provide a signature, Director, I need a signature, Director' !
He even prepared the penalty amount, am I really that
unforgivable ?"
" I only slept with someone ! Even if it is a crime, the
penalty should not be death, and it is not as if he had never
..........."
" My brother, he did not !"
" It doesn't matter if he did or not, I am not going to be
calculative on that, what I mind is ........"
" He did not, means HE DID NOT ! !" Yi Chen's eyes were
bloodshot, his face contorted in fury, " He did not even
touched anyone ! Except, except a man.........." He paused, "
Even that was because he got cheated, I bear a
responsibility too ........... My silly brother treated him well,
after ...... he found out that it was all a lie, he was so
devastated that he left to Shanghai all by himself, he did not
even want to see me ........ that was the only time, the only
time .........."
Yi Chen lowered his head dejectedly: "My brother
developed a deep fear of being forsaken, if that idiot can hit
or scold, I would have felt better too. He only knew how to
hide, he could not even retaliate after being hurt, even
turned around to apologize to me............. he just became a
recluse burying his emotions, not trusting anyone .........."
" And you, you this asshole !" Yi Chen sounded like he was
crying, his voice hoarse, " He went to you, have you thought
about how much time he took to consider, and how much
courage he had to summon, before making that decision !
He never had much guts to start off with, but for him to take
that huge step is not easy by any means, and you actually
let him catch you with another guy ? You must really want to
force him to his death .........."
" He told you he had been with countless men, that is him
talking with his heart ripped into pieces, blurting random
nonsense to bluff you, and you believed ?! ................ Did
you scold him because of this ?"
" ..................." Lu Feng slumped down onto the floor, " I
know I am not in any position to mind, after all during these
years I haven't been clean myself........... but how can I be
completely liberal towards the man I love ? When I heard
him talking about those men, I literally went crazy........... I
must have gone insane, I...... I hit him, I....... I even ..........."
Lu Feng could not continue.
Yi Chen bombarded him with punches and kicks: " You
bastard ! ! You are worse than a beast, you monster ! ! No
wonder he became this way ! No wonder he is a walking
corpse now ! ! You asshole .........."
Lu Feng did not retaliate, he was accepting the beating,
until he suddenly came to an abrupt realization and grabbed
onto his collar: " What did you say ?"
"..............." Yi Chen was breathing hard.
 " You saw him ?" Lu Feng grabbed onto him tightly, " You
lied to me? He came back ! !"
Yi Chen froze and did not speak.
" Is he here right now ?"
Chapter Forty

My breath caught in my throat.

The bedroom door was pushed opened forcefully, followed
by the sound of a quick raid before Lu Feng emerged from it
and headed straight for the kitchen.
"Xiao Chen, come out ! I need to talk to you !"
"My brother is not here ! What are you doing ! !" Yi Chen
did not make it subtle when he rushed over to close the
kitchen door.
I was hiding in the dark quietly as the sound of scuffling
grew gradually louder just outside the door, my anxious
heart thumping away.
When Yi Chen yelped in pain, I had to let down my guard,
pushing the door open: "Yi Chen! Are you ok!"
Yi Chen was crouched over, a hand covering his face with
a visible bruise forming, yelling in exasperation: "Why did
you come out ?"
"Is it painful?" I wrapped my arms around his waist, and
gently touched his bruised face.
"I'm, I'm ok......" Even in this situation, he had to be
bashful, his face blushing.
I found the first aid box and focused all my attention on
applying medicinal oil on his bruises, deliberately turning a
blind eye to the third party in the house.
Lu Feng's surprised and happy expression gradually
turned cold as he observes my absolute devotion to my
baby brother.
"Xiao Chen."
I raised my head to acknowledge him with the same
indifference one affords a stranger on the street.
 "Come back with me ......"
"You are injured." I passed him the medicinal oil, "Apply
some."
A brief look of disbelief flashed across his face as he took
over the medicine, his hands trembling.
"You may leave after you are done."
He stopped in the middle of his actions, his despondency
obvious: "You ...... are still unwilling to forgive me? I actually
......"
" You don't have to explain."
He tensed.
"I forgive you."
His sunken cheeks and hollow eyes exuded some sense of
being consoled as he slumped his shoulders in relief.
"So you will come back with me now?"
He stood up stiffly: "Xiao Chen ......"
"Lu Feng, I know what you want to say." I interrupted him,
"However there is no way for us to start over, do you
understand?"
My heart sank at the sight of sadness overtaking his eyes,
and forced myself not to look away: "I can tell you now I will
not hate you, but for us to go back to how we were in the
past ...... to be together like how we were five years ago,
that is impossible. Lu Feng, we have both grown up, we are
not the same anymore."
"How are we not the same?" His voice hoarse.
"I ...... don't love you anymore."
He stood there solemnly, the sudden quietude in the
house almost overbearing my senses.
Putting on a pretense, I fussed over Yi Chen, pulling him
up under his arms to assist him to the bedroom: "You can go
now. Be safe on the road."
Why do you have to take it so hard and look like you are
about to fall into pieces? I have forgiven you haven't I? The
victim is me, is it not?
 "It does not matter." He said suddenly, struggling to form
the words, "It does not matter even if you do not love me
anymore."
I stood still with my back to him.
"We will take it slow, you will fall in love with me again."
"............"
"We have a lifetime ahead of us ...... We can go back to
how we were, no matter how long it takes or how far it is,
we can go back."
I laughed dryly: "Between the two of us ...... when would
we have a long time."
"If we get married? We will have a lifetime if we get
married, do we not? With such a long time, there is nothing
we can't accomplish, there is nowhere we won't arrive at?
We can do this ......"
"Please leave." I cut him off abruptly, "Leave! !"
He did not continue speaking, nor did he leave.
"Yi Chen, send him off, I don't want to see him ever
again." I did not dare to turn around.
"Xiao Chen, come with me. Give me some time, we can be
happy together again, please believe me ......"
"You are so absurd." I began to scoff at what he said, but I
could not bring myself to say more.
Yi Chen went to open the door wordlessly.
A moment of silence later, I heard his slow footsteps
walking out, a step at a time.
Each step like a trample over my heart.
"Come, let's have some supper." Light-heartedly scooping
the fried rice into a bowl, I exclaimed, "Ah ...... it has turned
cold, should I heat it up first? I might need to add more
seasoning too ......"
A large droplet of tear landed straight into the bowl, I was
caught off guard, as another droplet quickly followed suit.
Yi Chen was at a loss: "Brother ...... Please don't cry."
"Nonsense, who's ...... crying ......" Weird, why have I lost
my voice.
 Is it really me, who is in such agony ...... Am I ...... really
feeing so wretched?
Leaving that man, will finally allow me to live a peaceful
and happy life. Am I wrong?
" The weather forecast said there will be frost tonight." Yi
Chen was getting ready to close the curtains to get ready
for bed, yet he stood by the window unmoving, feeding me
this useless information.
"Mmm." I replied distractedly, my fingers busy on the
keyboard trying to concentrate. I have been taking up
sporadic projects as a way to earn some extra income, often
requiring me to pull an all nighter.
" ...... Brother, you should sleep early."
"You sleep first, I might have to stay up until 3am at
least." I felt dispirited as I kept making mistakes on the
programming code despite my best effort to focus.
Yi Chen hesitated for a while: "He might freeze to death if
you don't go to bed soon."
My hand jerked and pressed another wrong button on the
keyboard.
From the window a solitary dark shadow can be seen
standing under the streetlight, the posture a strange
combination of helplessness and stubbornness.
The street lamp blinked twice and suddenly went out. The
dark shadow blended into the night, leaving behind a tiny
red dot still unmoving.
I closed the curtains with a heavy heart, and switched off
the lights.
The only light remaining in the house is that from the
display monitor of the computer.
The red dot was still there after I finished and got ready
for bed.
"Brother."
Yi Chen has not fallen asleep, or he could have been
roused by me, he stretched out his arms and held me
tightly. His body is so warm.
 "I was so afraid you would leave with him."
" ...... Silly."
"I have a feeling you will." He was talking like a child.
"...... I will not." I flipped around and hug him back.
Only a few hours later the sun has risen. I woke up early
to get breakfast for Yi Chen, my body aching from him
pressing down half his body weight on me. Downstairs, the
streets were empty, devoid of passerby, leaving only an
area under the street lamp covered with countless cigarette
butts.
I gazed at the turquoise sky of the city skyline, the winter
sun pale and luster.
My eyes felt a familiar sting.
I quickly lowered my head, increasing the pace of my
steps towards home.
Chapter Forty One

The winter days are getting colder.

When Yi Chen attends his classes, I stay at home wrapped
up like a mummy in a blanket all day. Knocking away on the
keyboard in front of the computer for hours on end made
me see stars, so I resorted to a rigorous housekeeping
routine, cleaning up the small apartment inside and out,
until my four limbs are sore. As I took a breather on the
sofa, my mind went into a blank. A sudden thought occurred
to me – my location had been exposed, which meant my
hide and seek days are over, so there is no harm for me to
give Ding Ding and them a call.
Not unexpectedly, Ding Ding gave me an earful, even with
the receiver placed far from my ear I could still hear the
indignation in his voice loud and clear.
I finally got a word in, "Are you for real ? Slacking so
openly during work hours, is the supervisor not around?"
Zhu Sha snatched the handset over, while Ding Ding's
voice rang in the background: "Not just the supervisor, even
the boss is not around."
" Where have they gone? Did they decide to take off for
spring break early?"
"They are all in the hospital." Zhu Sha answered.
"............" A deep sense of unease overtook me, I need to
find out more, but did not know how to make it sound
casual.
There is a saying that goes 'a fool's life is dogged by
misfortunes.'
"Mr Lu returned yesterday."
 "Oh." I clutched the clothes over my chest for no apparent
reason.
"Who knew that the moment he stepped into the office he
went out like a light, everyone was in an up and down
frenzy. He is still in the hospital right now, his condition
apparently not good and so Miss Lu had to fly over this
morning." Zhu Sha laughed sarcastically, "You can see
where businessmen's priority lies when they gave out
serious warnings to all employees that we are not to leak
any information to the public, especially the media. Of
course they were worried that news of Mr Lu's collapse
would adversely affect stock prices, careful down to the last
detail, it was a real eye-opener."
The hand clamping onto the handset started shivering
uncontrollably: "...... How is he now?"
"Last I heard he is still unconscious. Everyone is already
mentally prepared for bad news ...... Hello? Yi Chen? ......
Can you hear me? Yi Chen? ...... Is it a broken line, why is
there no sound, Hello ......"
What else can it be but the housework I overexerted
myself in earlier that is making me delirious now, my arms
and legs not obeying me. A simple task of organizing my
wallet to ensure I carry with me all my credentials required
all of my mental faculty. Yi Chen pushed open the door just
in time to see me frantically putting on my shoes in the
hallway.
"What's wrong?"
"I ......" I straightened my back but could not find the
words to adequately explain the situation, "I am going out
......"
Yi Chen was not an easy person to fool with his sensitive
nature, he grabbed onto my shoulders: "Where are you
going?"
"Lu Feng is in trouble, he is very sick ......"
Yi Chen frowned and adjusted himself to block the door.
"You said that you will not leave with him."
 "But he could die!"
Yi Chen pinched his lips, reluctantly shifting himself
slightly to the side.
I squeezed past him, glanced back at his downturned
face, and whispered: "I will go and take a peek, if he is ok, I
will not even enter his ward."
As I head down the stairs, I heard Yi Chen call out:
"Brother, remember you promised to come back!"
When Ding Ding received a call from me from the airport
he made a big fuss again: "Are you back in Shanghai? Come
over let's play mahjong, it's just nice we are three missing
one ......"
Sometimes I really cannot take his ridiculous antics.
"What? Which hospital is Lu Feng in?" Ding Ding was
extremely taken aback by this question, probably because I
addressed him by his full name.
"You even know that he had been admitted into a hospital,
you're incredible!"
Crazy, or does he think that I should be included in the
non-disclosure list?
"How is Boss doing now? ...... How would I know, since he
went to the hospital the other day, he has not been back
...... Which hospital? Well if I am not wrong it is that private
hospital ...... Why do you ask? Oh yes, classmates' concern
isn't it ...... after visiting the hospital remember to come
around for mahjong, and treat us to lunch later! ......"
I hung up the phone in resignation.
Perhaps as an unrelated bystander, a normal reaction
should be exactly like how Ding Ding is right now, relaxed
and nonchalant as it has nothing to do with him.
So why do I have to be such a nervous wreck.
The smell of disinfection in a hospital overwhelms one
with an oppressing dread.
Those bodyguards stationed outside the ward looked
solemn and unapproachable. I stood at a distance away
formulating a legitimate reason for me to enter. However
the truth remains, I am not in any position to be allowed
even a step closer. How I do identify myself? A subordinate?
A high school classmate?
What a joke.
"Doctor, how is his condition ?"
I startled and quickly spun around to the voice.
That is Lu Feng's elder sister with an anguished expression
walking alongside a doctor towards the ward.
"We have done our best."
The words originally not meant for my ears made me
shudder from head to toes, my body temperature plunging a
few degrees lower.
"The patient will regain consciousness very soon, but ......
his condition is not good, you all should have some mental
preparation, especially with an illness like this."
She covered her eyes nodding her head: "Even though we
knew this for a few years, but ......"
"I can understand your feelings now. Without me saying,
your previous doctor would have already informed you, that
he have about six months left, at most ten months."
I stiffened.
Six months?
Lu Feng, but you said, I remember you said, we have a
lifetime.
Chapter Forty Two

"Miss Lu." I croaked under my breath.

She stopped in her steps and looked at me bewildered. No
doubt we have met in the office building before, but she
naturally would not recognize an insignificant worker like
me.
"I ...... am Lu Feng's ...... ex-classmate, I would like to ask
if I may pay him a visit today."
She evaluated me briefly, and asked: "Cheng Yi Chen?"
I was so astonished that I backed away two steps, bowled
over.
" It's you indeed."
Under her intense glare, I felt so mortified I was basically
speechless.
"Why are you looking for him now?"
I can finally appreciate how awkward Lu Feng must have
felt every time he came to my home to look to me.
"I only want to take a look at him ......"
"And leave immediately?"
I swallowed my emotions and nodded my head humbly.
"Sorry." She replied coldly, "It is better if you just leave
now."
"I promise it will just be a glimpse, I am not asking for
more, he is not awake yet, I will take a quick look and I will
be off on my way, I promise I will not disturb him, Miss Lu
......"
"You got me wrong." She cut me off, "It has been so many
years, yet Xiao Feng has not given up on you, he has
suffered so much because of you, so either you stay with
him, or you keep a hell of a distance from him, the farther
the better so he can never find you again, do you
understand? Just take a look and leave? You might as well
just kill him right now."
"Why are you shaking your head?" She mocked bitterly,
"Do you know how silly he was, when we first arrived to the
States, he wanted to escape every single day, and each
time he got caught he would receive a severe beating from
our dad. The marriage alliance, we were both vehemently
objecting to it, but the moment he was told that he would
be allowed back in the mainland if he goes through with it,
he actually agreed without another word of protest.
Marrying a complete stranger, and who do you think he did
it for? This time is the same, he .........."
"Forget it." She pointed to a door, "To enter or not, I warn
you to think carefully about it. Xiao Feng is lovelorn to a
fault, if you don't feel the same, then do not give him a
single scrap of hope, lest he does all these stupid things
again that would only bring harm upon himself."
A hand on the doorknob, my head lowered and my eyes
closed, bracing myself for a long time before pushing the
door open.
He looks lifeless lying on the bed, seemingly in a very
deep sleep, the only part of him below his neck that is
exposed outside the sheets is a hand connected to a drip.
I stood by the side of the bed looking down at him while
desperately getting ahold on my emotions.
Lu Feng.
His complexion deathly pale, his lips green, his eyes
tightly shut like he is refusing to open them out of spite. As I
rested my eyes on the greenish stubble forming under his
chin, my thoughts drifted away to the night I saw him gazing
helplessly at my window standing under the streetlights.
That whole patch of ground covered with cigarette butts.
At that time, I really believed, that you love me.
And I really hate you.
.......... But I love you too.
 Our paths have crossed twice in our lives, each time
brushing shoulders with each other, but when it comes the
time to seek the way that will lead us home, we would miss
each other. Time and again.
I am sorry, Lu Feng. I do ......... I really do want to go home
with you.
Even though we do not have a lifetime anymore, even
though I am fearful that being with you will bring me more
heartache and sorrow, even though we may never have a
good ending, but ............
I bent over, carefully reaching out my arms to hug him
lightly.
I do not know what our road will look like in the future, it
could run very far, it could stretch very long, we may never
reach our destination, or we may arrive at a place we never
intended to go.
I want to go home with you.
Lu Feng.
" Hmmm ......" He moved almost imperceptibly, giving me
just enough time to let go of my hands and give my face a
random wipe before he opened his eyes.
"........." His face switched between wonder and skepticism
for a long while, and suddenly sat up in such a haste he
pulled on the drip, making him inhale sharply.
"Ouch ....... That hurts!" He grimace in pain, followed by a
faint smile slowly emerging, " That means I am not
dreaming."
I lowered my head to avoid meeting his eyes, and afraid
he would notice my tear-stained face.
"Xiao Chen." Cautiously, he extended his hands, and place
them experimentally on my shoulders.
Seeing no adverse reactions from me, he pulled me
towards him for a hug, laughing bitterly, "Why do I feel ......
this is more like a dream?"
"How are you feeling ....... do you feel any better?"
 "Much better now after a good rest, even though it was a
very long sleep." It is hard to tell if his cheerful voice is
genuine or forced.
"....... Mm." Do not cry, do not cry, you must not cry in
front of him ........
"Xiao Chen ......" He rarely reveals such uncertainty and
hesitation in his tone, "Will you ....... be staying this time?"
"Mm ......" I kept my head lowered.
"Why does this feel so unreal?" He mumbled.
"Hey ...... lift up your head." His one hand on the drip is
immovable, so he had to use his other hand that is wrapped
around my shoulder to raise my chin up, "Let me look at you
......"
" ........ Why are you crying so badly? Goodness ...... I
haven't done anything to you, hey ......"
"You will be the death of me ...... Do you know how
dangerously tempting you look right now with this
expression ........" He has yet to finish his sentence and his
lips came crashing onto mine.
His kisses are still as firm and forceful as usual, his mouth
is very warm, his tongue ever so domineering, twisting
around nervously in my mouth, although rough, it gradually
adds an exquisite taste. The kiss aroused in me the exact
same feelings I had the first time he boldly confessed to me
"I like you" and without another word more, gave me the
most gentle, heart-stealing kiss.
"Don't leave me this time, ok?" He whispered, his lips still
pressing against my lips, "I'm sorry ........ I love you."
"You lied." I twitch away from him, "You said we have a
lifetime together."
"I, I did not." He moved his face slightly to the side, and
replied anxiously, "It is for our whole lives, I promise you, I
just haven't prepared the rings ......"
"Lu Feng ......" I hugged him tightly around the waist, "Can
you ...... for my sake, live for a bit longer?"
His body stiffened very obviously.
 I hugged him tighter. "I'm sorry ...... I know about it ......
but six months is too short." I choked with difficulty. I could
hear my voice becoming so hoarse it is turning unclear, "It's
not enough ....... we were together for two years, apart for
five years ...... how is six months going to be enough ...... it's
not enough ...... I waited five years for you ......."
As far as my memory goes back, I have never cried as
badly as right now.
That kind of indescribable pain in my heart like it is being
torn asunder.
I only ever had him, and him only.
This person, has put a chain around my body and heart,
locking up all my love.
It may be an unexceptional love, nothing exciting, nothing
interesting, but without it, I will be impoverished for life.
Chapter Forty Three

"What ....... did you say?" He pushed me away

unceremoniously, "Six, six months? Look at me, I am fit as a
fiddle, even half a century more is a conservative estimate. I
am very touched by your heartfelt confession, but you didn't
have to curse me like this."
" ........" I stared at him, my mind spinning like some
connections in my brain has gone haywire.
"Who told you that I only have six more months to live?"
"I overheard the doctor saying this to your sister ........
could it be you are unaware how bad your condition is, he
said you have ten months at most, it's not possible that I
heard it wrong ......" If the prognosis was half a century, why
would she look so devastated?
Lu Feng pondered for a while, and let out a long exhale:
"You didn't hear wrong ....... but ...... the person who is in
bad shape is my father."
"I initially planned to wait two days for you at Xiamen, but
my Dad suddenly returned to Shanghai, so I had to rush
back, his health hasn't been good, and he probably overtire
himself on the long flight, plus it didn't help that he found
out I flunked a couple of business deals." He looked slightly
ashamed, "It's because I have gone half mad looking for you
...... so I made some mistakes ...... he was so angry that he
fainted on the spot ......"
"His health has been failing these past few years, we have
been careful to contain the news to the public. Him
constantly putting on a front has no doubt piled on the
stress, worsening his condition, so we are all ....... mentally
well-prepared. It so happened the day he arrived, I was in a
pretty messed-up state myself, and once we sent him to the
hospital, I collapsed too." He smiled bitterly, "It could be a
combination of anxiety, exhaustion from running around for
days, and exposure to the cold from that night. In any case,
it really isn't that big a deal, but my sister forced me to get
hospitalized, and take care of my dad in the adjacent ward
at the same time. Of course I would never expect ...... that
you would end up misunderstanding that it is I who has
fallen sick ......"
My head that has been floating in the clouds finally found
a solid peak, and I slowly descended to reality, finally
clicking in place what is going on.
Zhu Sha told me 'Mr Lu has fainted, and his condition is
not looking good.' They usually address Lu Feng as Boss, so
this Mr Lu, must be referring to his father, the big boss who
might as well be the emperor sitting inside the forbidden
city, never visible to us mere commoners.
It is my own fault for losing it the moment I received the
news. A spell of giddiness hit, paralyzing my ability to
perceive the information properly, assuming Mr Lu is Lu
Feng.
No wonder Ding Ding and the gang are so oblivious to the
bad news, even in the mood to play mahjong to pass time,
towards a complete stranger 'Mr Lu' whom they have only
heard but never met, it is impossible for them to exact any
form of depression, some sympathy should suffice.
Speechless at my embarrassing blunder, I pushed Lu Feng
away, stood up, turned around ready to leave.
"Hey, Xiao Chen, You can't go back on your words! !" That
guy with the strength of a large hound circled one arm
around my waist and held me back with a death grip, "You
said it yourself you will not leave this time, how can you
break your promise! !"
"The day you have only six more months to live I will
naturally come back and stay with you everyday until you
enter your grave, liar."
 "You are the one who got it wrong, no one lied to you! ! "
He exclaimed in an aggrieved voice, "You are unjustly
accusing me."
"I need to get back."
"You are the liar! You are going back on your words."
"I promised Yi Chen I will return."
The voice from behind me stayed silent for all of two
seconds, before the muscled arm encircled around my waist
gave a hard pull, and I slammed straight into his broad
chest.
"I knew that guy is suspicious!" Lu Feng said hatefully, he
rashly pulled out the needle in his hand, freeing himself to
flip me around and pressed me onto the bed, "You better
stay the hell away from him from now on!"
"Suspicious your head, he is my flesh and blood brother!"
"So what if he is your brother, homosexuality is already a
taboo, why not add incest to the mix? I bet he has
undesirable intentions towards you!"
"You are thinking too much! Yi Chen already has a person
he loves."
Lu Feng snorted.
"Get off, you are so heavy."
"....... So you are only willing to stay with me if I have not
long to live?" He grasp me by the shoulders in a sudden
burst of emotion, glaring at me earnestly, "Tell me the truth,
....... you came here for me ........ and told me you want to
be with me, was it all because you feel sorry for me?"
I could not respond immediately.
He let go of me, and lifted himself up: "If it is really
because you feel sorry for me ........ then you can leave, I
will not hinder you."
I sat up quietly. He pursed his lips and turned his head
away.
"Lu Feng, ....... I'm sorry."
He did not turn back, his shoulders started shaking
powerlessly.
 "Of course I will feel sorry for anyone who has only six
months of life left."
"However if that person is you, I will hate you. You treat
me so poorly, and tortured me so badly, do you think you
get away with just compensating me for six months? Even if
you become a dog slave or a horse slave to me, I may not
forgive you, you have to know I am someone who bear a
grudge for a long time, I will expect a payback ......"
I have yet to finish speaking and he has pressed me down
firmly again on the bed.
" ....... Let me go ........ Argh ........"
A look of amusement crossed his face, visible in the shift
of his eyebrows: "I'm willing, I'm willing, I will be your dog
and your horse, you can ride me anytime."
"Pervert! !"
Half the day passed with us messing around on the bed,
he buried his face in my neck, whispering, "Actually ........ I
was so scared earlier. If you really left ........ I don't think I
will be able to keep my word, and even though it would
mean I am humiliating myself, I will definitely chase you
back. Even if you don't love me anymore ....... I can't give up
....... I will keep waiting, keep pestering, keep harassing, I
will wait for you downstairs everyday ......"
I could not help myself from commenting, "When have
you become a scoundrel? !"
"When have I stopped being a scoundrel?"
What he said ...... is true.
"Xiao Chen, can we really go back to how we were?"
".......... We can."
He smiled without humor: "I feel so afraid suddenly ......
the more you gain, the more you have to lose."
"We can go back." I paused for a while, and hugged him
back. "We will take it slow, no matter how far we have
veered off course........ we will find a way back......."
"Take it slow? But I want it faster."
" .........? ? ?"
 ........ .........
"What are you doing! ! This is a hospital! ! Stop! !"
"No one will come in, don't worry, relax, be good ......"
"PA! !"
"You, how can you abuse a sick patient? !"
"Are your actions befitting of a sick patient? ! !"
During the struggle, we accidentally pressed the
emergency button. The high efficiency of a reputable
hospital is evident by the speed of their respond, we barely
had time to sit up and adjust our disheveled self, before a
bombshell nurse came swaggering in.
"You pulled out the needle just like that? !" This woman's
temper is even more fiery than her figure, "If you want to
die just let me know I can give you a quick one! Are you for
real? What are you staring at? Not happy? You think your
money is so great ......."
I pulled on my wrinkled shirt, ignoring Lu Feng's sideways
pleading glance at me, a hysterical mix of laughing and
crying while enduring under the nurse's rough attempt to
reinsert the needle. I looked outside of the window idly.
The January sky is cold but sunny, a clear and light colour.
It seems like winter is finally coming to an end.
END