Pornography Recovery Kit

Stage Tasks

Stage 1: Create a relapse o Assessment

prevention plan o Limiting access plan
o Understanding your triggers
o Relapse prevention plan
o STI test (if applicable)

Stage 2: Understand o Read a book from list

pornography addiction and o View the recommended videos
connect to community support o Access an online community

Stage 3: Manage cravings o Coping with Cravings handout

o Understand the cycle of
addiction

Stage 4: Support your partner o Answer your partner’s

questions
o Understand your partner’s
experience
o Begin to build trust

Stage: Later-stage recovery o Identify and address later-

issues stage recovery issues
o Understand the path of long-
term recovery

1
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
 Assessment1

Question Notes

How many times do you view internet Times/week: Duration:

pornography per week? ________

Masturbation:
_______

What are the main categories or genres

that you view?

How often do you have sex with your

spouse (or others)?

Have you had unsuccessful attempts at Yes / No

quitting pornography in the past?

Have you experienced a lack of Yes / No

productivity due to pornography use?

Do you struggle with viewing others as Yes / No

sexual objects?

Do you experience cravings when going Yes / No

without pornography?

Do you have intrusive thoughts about Yes / No

pornography?

Have you begun to question your sexual Yes/ No

orientation since you began using
pornography?

Can you masturbate to climax without Yes / No

pornography ?
Have you escalated to pornography Yes / No

1
Adapted from the Sexual Dependency Inventory and Your Brain on Porn website
2
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
 genres that you find disturbing?

If you have a partner:

Is your partner aware that you view Yes / No

porn? If so, do they know how often?

Have you become less interested in

sexual contact with your partner since
viewing pornography?

Do you have problems maintaining an Yes / No

erection when having sex with a
partner?

Do you feel fantasize about sexual Yes / No

images during sexual contact with your
partner?

Have you asked your partner to engage Yes / No

in sexual acts influenced by what you
see online?

3
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
 Limiting Access Plan

Individual tasks: If you have a partner:

o Install an internet filter o Give your partner complete access to

(see list below) devices, including passwords

o Delete accounts and block o Do not take phone in the bathroom

associated phone numbers and have it in plain sight at all times

o Create boundaries for accessing o Do not delete any suspicious

devices (e.g., no use after 8pm) messages or text threads without
showing them to your partner first

o Do not take your phone the o Disclose any setbacks or suspicious

bathroom behavior immediately to your
partner (within 24 hours)

o Consider using a locking container

to limit access

o Agree to install a location tracker on

o Tell someone about your plan to your phone and be willing to take
keep yourself accountable selfies to confirm your location

4
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
 Understanding Your Triggers

Trigger = A specific cue that causes addictive thoughts and cravings.

The most common triggers involve people, places, and things.

Triggers Types of unhealthy thinking

patterns:

o Noticing attractive people o Permission giving

o Sexual images on the internet (I’ll just look at it for a few minutes)
o Sex scenes on streaming sites
o Comparison
or TV (At least I’m not as bad as…)
o Times of the day (evening)
o Substances (alcohol, o Blaming
(I wouldn’t look at porn if my wife had
cannabis) sex with me)
o Stress
o Sleep troubles o Rationalization
o Social media (Instagram) (All men look at porn)
o Websites (reddit)
o Denial
o Locations (No one was hurt)
o Boredom
o Loneliness o Entitlement
(I work so hard, I deserve a reward)
o Anxiety
o Anger o Fixed mindset
o Excitement (This is too hard; I am not able to
o Rejection change)

o Disappointment

5
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
 Relapse Prevention Plan2

The following behaviours are off o

limits: o
o

Coping strategies for triggers: o

o
o

Healthy thoughts I can practice: o

o
o

Healthy habits I will start to o

develop: o
o

If I have a setback, I will: o Tell my partner within 24

hours
o Access support
o

I have decided to take a pause o

from sexual activity to better o
understand my relationship to o
pornography: (Yes / No) o

Length of time: _____________________

2
This plan is inspired by the 3 circles plan from Sex Addicts Anonymous
6
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
 Overall Tips for Relapse Prevention

o Limit access to pornography to conserve your willpower and

decrease overall cravings
o Understand your triggers and have a plan to manage them
o Track your days of recovery
o Finding creative outlets such as writing and art can be helpful

Recommended books:
1. The Porn Trap – Wendy Maltz
2. Your Brain on Porn – Gary Wilson
3. Wack – Noah B.E. Church

Community and online support:

Online Apps Meetings

communities
o NoFap o RTRIBE o Sex and porn addicts
o Reboot nation o End porn addiction anonymous
o Path for men (Kevin and sexual o Sex addicts
Skinner) compulsion (Noah anonymous (local
Church) meetings)
o Brain buddy o In the rooms (virtual
o Fortify meetings)
o Sex and relationship
healing drop-in
group

Videos on the science of pornography addiction:

7
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
1. The Great Porn Experiment by Gary Wilson
2. The Science of Pornography Addiction (AsapScience)
3. 3 Ways Pornography Addiction Rewires the Brain (Alex Lerza)
4. Raised on a Diet of Internet Porn (Noah Church)
Coping With Cravings
Craving = A powerful desire for something, typically accompanied by a
physical urge. Cravings often follow a wave-like pattern that lasts 7-15
minutes.

Lifestyle: Mental strategies:

o Keep yourself occupied during o Try to disengage from the

high-risk times with pleasurable thoughts as quickly as
activities possible. Debating or
o Allow adequate time for breaks suppressing the thoughts can
and rest in your schedule intensify the struggle
o Prioritize sleep, healthy eating, o Remind yourself that you are
and exercise free to look at pornography
but are choosing not to. This
can helps diffuse the
forbidden aspect
o Visualize the thoughts and
Behavioural strategies: cravings and let them float by
(mindfulness)
o Practicing focused-attention o Visualize yourself
meditation (concentrating on successfully living your life
an anchor point) without pornography
o Exercise o Remind yourself of your
o Journaling reasons for quitting
o Calling a support person o Remind yourself of the
o Deep breathing negative consequences of
o Prayer viewing pornography
o Change the environment (e.g., o Review the successes that
change rooms, go for a walk, you’ve had (strengths)
rearrange the furniture) o Alert (notice the thoughts),
Avert (redirect attention),
8
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
 and Affirm (say something
positive to yourself)
o Allowing time to pass while
doing something constructive
o Visualize a wise guide or
sponsor giving you
encouragement

Supporting Your Partner

o Many partners feel betrayed by their partner’s

pornography use because:

o You may have withheld information or lied to them

o You made choices to invest your sexual energy outside of
the relationship

o This situation creates a lack of trust in the relationship,

often described as a betrayal trauma

Symptoms of betrayal trauma include:

o Rapid and intense emotional swings

(moving between anger, numbness, tears)
o Constantly re-living the details and emotions of the
betrayal
o Repeatedly asking questions about the betrayal
o Becoming upset about seemingly unrelated incidents
o Questioning their partner’s love and commitment
(i.e., how could you do this if you loved me?)
o Monitoring their partner’s devices and whereabouts

9
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
o It may be difficult to understand why your use of porn has
hurt your partner, or why they are behaving in certain ways.
Betrayal trauma symptoms are commonly an attempt to
establish safety and stability. Partners often feel ashamed of
their reactions and telling them that they are overreacting is
not helpful. They may show anger but beneath that is deep
hurt and pain.

How to Support Your Partner

Action Items Tips

o Answer questions o In order for your partner to move

about your forward, they need adequate
pornography use information. Questions such as “How
(without providing often did you look at porn? And “Where
graphic sexual details) did you do this?” are valid. However,
sexually explicit questions such as “Can
you show me the videos you watched?”
can exacerbate the partner’s trauma
symptoms. In this phase, we
recommend completing this process
with a qualified couples therapist in
order to minimize harm.

o Make a commitment o Your partner will be watching your

to behavior change actions to gage whether they can trust
and maintain you. Complete the worksheets in this
momentum book, access a therapist, and start
learning about pornography addiction.
Keep the momentum going. Many

10
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
 partners worry that their partner will
relapse when they stop their treatment
plans.

o Understand your o Partners often want to understand why

triggers, high-risk their loved one viewed porn in order to
situations, and check- prevent it from happening again. Share
in with your partner to what you are learning with your
let them know how partner. If you need help
you’re progressing understanding your behaviours,
consult a Certified Sex Addiction
Therapist. Regular check-ins can also
be helpful.
o Respond to your o It’s natural to feel impatient when your
partner’s reactions partner asks you the same question
with compassion and repeatedly. When your partner is
non-defensiveness upset, it’s important to remain calm,
and speak simply and slowly with a
loving tone. One example: “I can’t erase
the pain I’ve caused, but I’m willing to
do whatever it takes to win your trust
back.” With each non-defensive
reaction to your partner’s pain, you
will demonstrate that you are
committed to the relationship.

o Many partners feel inadequate and that

they caused their partner’s sexual
behavior. Reassure your partner that
your behavior was not a result of their
inadequacies, and affirm your
commitment to the relationship.

o Move toward your partner when they

are upset and ask what they need.

11
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
 o Engage in behaviours o Unfortunately, your partner is
that demonstrate your questioning every action you take right
trustworthiness and now. Any minor inconstancy will seem
reliability (e.g., giving connected to the betrayal. Therefore, it
your partner access to is important that you honour your
phone passwords) commitments and be completely open
and honest about any slips or setbacks.

Recommended books:
1. Help.Her.Heal – Carol Sheets and Allan Katz
2. Out of the Doghouse – Rob Weiss

Other resources:
My Couples Trust Recovery Kit on my website downloads page
My Sexual Betrayal Recovery Kit on my website downloads page

12
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
 Later-Stage Recovery Issues

Once my clients have established sobriety from pornography,

they often turn address later-stage recovery issues, such as:

o Underlying trauma. Researchers have found that

difficult childhood experiences are associated with a
higher incidence of addiction and mental health issues
(see the ACE study). In a study conducted by sex
treatment pioneer Patrick Carnes, he found that that 97%
of clients had suffered emotional abuse, 83% reported
sexual abuse, and 71% reported physical abuse.
Unaddressed childhood abuse and neglect can create
issues of self-worth, boundaries, emotional regulation,
and intimate relationships. adulthood.

o Relationship issues. Many of my clients focus on

repairing the relationship with their partners, learning
how to connect with others, and address issues with their
family of origin.

13
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
 o Mental health issues. People with concurrent mental
health issues and addictive behaviours can have a more
challenging time in recovery (this is called concurrent
disorders). Receiving treatment for issues such as
depression, anxiety, and attention deficit disorder is
common.

o Emotional regulation and stress management:

Addictive behaviour can be an attempt to manage
emotion. Learning how to cope with life without
addiction requires new tools and coping strategies.

o An overall feeling of emptiness or lack of purpose.

Many clients report a sense of emptiness as their
recovery requires less effort. In this stage, we will shift
the focus of therapy toward developing new goals and
establishing purpose and meaning.

Although everyone’s treatment plan is unique, this stage

typically involves:

o Optimizing lifestyle factors such as diet, exercise, sleep,

and stress management
o Utilizing specific therapeutic approaches, such as EMDR
(a commonly-used trauma therapy)
o Medical interventions such as medication or supplements
o Learning how to regulate and manage emotion
o Developing skills to be vulnerable, communicate, and set
boundaries
o Improving self-worth by addressing negative beliefs

14
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
Can someone abstain from pornography without
addressing deeper issues?

I have seen many clients make lasting changes without ever

understanding their deeper psychological issues. However, I
do recommend that clients with trauma and mental health
issues receive proper treatment, as these issues can cause
unnecessary suffering.

The Process of Recovery

The good news is that with effort and time, many of these
issues can be effectively treated. The full journey of recovery
often involves stopping the addictive behaviour, addressing
underlying issues, and developing a healthy and fulfilling life.
Although this process can vary widely, Patrick Carnes found
that long-term process of recovery is 3-5 years. Here are some
of the stages he described in his book, Don’t Call it Love.

Developing stage (2+ years): Although many people’s

addiction becomes out of control just before they enter into
treatment, many of my clients started viewing pornography
regularly around age 14.

Crisis-decision stage (up to 3 months): Many of my clients

will reach out after theirspouse discovers their pornography
use. The distress and potential end of their relationship is a

15
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
high motivator for change. In this stage, clients often feel
overwhelmed and ashamed of their behavior and the impact
that it has had on their partner.

Grief stage (4-8 months): In this stage, the extent of their

addiction and the impact on others is realized. Clients often
feel intense remourse for the pain that their partners have feel,
as it was never their intention to hurt their partners. They may
also be grieving the experience of their addiction and the relief
it provided.

Repair stage (18-36 months): It takes time to rebuild trust

and repair damage from addictive deception. John Gottman
describes trust building as a bank account where we make
small deposits over time by showing your partner that you are
there for them when they need you. This stage is also about
repairing the damage that has been done to addict as well, as
addiction often impairs the person’s sense of sexuality and
self-esteem.

Growth stage (2+ years): Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence

Calhoun3 coined the term Post Traumatic Growth to describe
how people overcome adversity. They found that people who
have recovered from trauma found meaning in their adversity,
and a new appreciation for life. When I reflect on later-stage
recovery, I think that one of the best strategies for recovery is
to create a life that is better than the addictive one. This
involves learning how to deal with the stressors of life and
establish purpose and meaning.

Additional Resources

3
Original research article from 1996.
16
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
 Podcasts Research and Internet Filters
education

o Thanks for o Your brain on porn o Netsanity

sharing o The truth about o Mobicip
o The addict, the porn o Net Nanny
betrayed, and the o Fight the new drug o Xxxchurch
expert o Covenant Eyes
o Carol the coach o Ever Accountable (better
o Sex and for phones)
relationship o http://
healing www.ippctech.net
o Qustodio
o Rob Weiss’ article about
his top picks

Additional Reading:
o Facing the Shadow – Patrick Carnes
o Sex Addiction 101 – Robert Weiss
o Treating Pornography Addiction Kevin Skinner
o The Storm of Sex Addiction - Connie A. Lofgreen
o For Love and Money – Debra L. Kaplan
o Sex Addiction – Catherine Elliott
o Lust, Anger, and Love - Maureen Canning
o Shadows of the Cross (Christian) – Craig Cashwell + Penny Johnson
o When He’s Married to Mom – Kenneth Adams
o Relationships in Recovery – Linda Hatch
o Sexual Anorexia – Patrick Carnes

Women’s Books:
o Ready to Heal – Kelly McDaniel
o Naked in public – Staci Sprout
17
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).
o No stones – Marnie C. Feree

18
Copyright © 2020 Christina Bell, R. Psych (please share freely).