Book Notes – Never Split the Difference-Chris Voss

Never Split The Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On

It

by Chris Voss

Chapter 1: The New Rules

 No matter how we dress up negotiation in mathematical theories, we

still act like animals, driven by our fears, needs, perceptions, and
desires.

 The book Getting to Yes assumes that the animalistic, emotional brain
could be overcome through a rational, joint problem-solving mindset.

 It focused on separating people from problems, on positions from

interests, generating win-win options, and mutually-agreed upon
standards for evaluating options.

 Thinking Fast and Slow says our emotional response (System 1) to a

suggestion or question informs and creates our logical answer (System
2).

 By affecting a counterpart's System 1 thinking, you can guide his

System 2 rationality and therefore modify his responses.

 Emotions and emotional intelligence must be central to an effective

negotiation, and not things to overcome.

 The majority of interactions we have at work and at home boil down to

a simple, animalistic urge: I want.

 Negotiation is for information gathering and behavior influencing, and

includes almost any interaction where someone wants something from
somebody else.

 The first step to achieving a mastery of daily negotiation is to get over

your aversion to negotiating.

 Effective negotiation is sizing someone up, influencing their sizing up

of you, and using that knowledge to get what you want.

 Negotiation is the heart of collaboration, and is what makes conflict

potentially meaningful and productive for all parties.

Chapter 2: Be a Mirror
  Good negotiators expect surprises; great negotiators use their skills to
reveal the surprises they are certain exist.

 Great negotiators question the assumptions that others accept on

faith, and thus remain more emotionally open and intellectually agile.

 Most people approach a negotiation so preoccupied by the arguments

that support their position that they are unable to listen attentively.

 The goal is to make your counterparts feel safe enough to talk about
what they want, and then move on to identify what they actually need.

 But we begin with listening, making it about the other people,

validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety to
begin a real conversation.

 Going too fast makes people feel as if they're not being heard, thereby
undermining all the rapport and trust that we've built.

 When you slow the process down, you also calm it down.

 It's not what we say, but how we are that is both the easiest thing to
enact and the most immediately effective mode of influence.

 A playful voice puts someone in a positive frame of mind, where

parties thinking more quickly and are more likely to collaborate and
problem solve.

 A late-night FM DJ voice with a downward inflection says you're in

control. Inflection in an upward way connotes uncertainty and invites a
response.

 Mirroring is an unconscious behavior in which we copy each other to

comfort each other, building a kind of rapport that leads to trust.

 Repeat back the critical one to three words of what people say. Your
counterpart will elaborate on what was said and sustain the process of
connecting.

 To deal with forceful type A personalities, use the late-night FM DJ

voice, start with "I'm sorry," mirror, sit in silence, and repeat.

 Use mirroring to elicit the same response as "What do you mean by

that?" while signaling respect and concern for what the other person is
saying.

Chapter 3: Don't Feel Their Pain, Label It

 Traditional negotiating advice says to separate people from the
problem, but that's hard when their emotions are the problem.

 Good negotiators precisely label emotions, belonging to others and

themselves, and then talk about them without getting wound up.

 Empathy is the ability to recognize the perspective of a counterpart,

and the vocalizaiton of that recognition. It is not sympathy.

 Tactical empathy goes farther by also hearing what is behind those

feelings so you increase your influence on all following moments.

 Most of us enter verbal combat unlikely to persuade anyone of

anything because we only know and care about our own goals and
perspective.

 When we closely observe a person's face, gestures, and tone of voice,

we align with theirs in a process called neural resonance.

 With labeling, we turn someone's feelings into words, and then very
calmly and respectfully repeat their emotions back to them.

 It has a special advantage when your counterpart is tense because

exposing negative thoughts to daylight makes them seem less
frightening.

 Labeling moves the brain from a fearful response to rational thinking. It

disrupts the raw intensity of the emotion.

 The first step to labeling is detecting the other person's emotional

state, usually by inspecting their words, tone, and body language.

 Then label it aloud with "It seems/sounds/looks like..." Don't use "I,"
which makes you seem self-interested, and makes you take personal
responsibility for what follows.

 The last rule of labeling is silence. Be quiet and listen.

 Emotions have two levels: The "presenting" behavior you see and hear,
and the "underlying" feeling that motivates the behavior.

 Labeling reinforcing positives and diffusing negatives. It forces an

angry person to acknowledge their feelings rather than continue to act
out.

 The fastest and most efficient way of establishing a quick working

relationship is to acknowledge the negative and diffuse it.
  Deal with negativity by observing it, then consciously label each
negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate, and
solution-based thoughts.

 The faster you can label fears, the faster you can stop the swelling of
fear, and the quicker you can build feelings of safety, well-being, and
trust.

 By digging underneath a mountain of details and logistics, labels help

to uncover the primary emotion driving against your counterpart's
behavior.

 Never deny the negative; this is a crucial mistake that actually gives it
credence.

 An accusation audit lists every terrible thing your counterpart could

say about you. This disarms them by "taking the sting out."

 Going right after negativity brings us to a safe zone of empathy. Every

one of us has an inherent need to be understood, and to connect.

 Following on the heels of an argument is a great position for a

negotiator, because your counterpart is desperate for an empathetic
connection.

 The first goal of these tools is human connection; that they might help
you extract what you want is a bonus.

Chapter 4: Beware "Yes", Master "No"

 "Yes" is often a meaningless answer that hides deeper objections.

 "No" provides an opportunity for both parties to clarify what they don't
want, and is a safe choice that maintains the status quo.

 By giving someone permission to say "no" to your ideas, emotions

calm, effectiveness increases, and the other party can really look at
your proposal.

 "No" is not rejection. It means the other party is uncomfortable, does

not understand, wants to consult someone else, and so on.

 After pausing, ask solution-based questions or simply label their effect.

 There are actually three kinds of "yes": counterfeit, confirmation, and

commitment.
  A counterfeit yes is where your counterpart feels it is an escape route
or uses it to continue the conversation for some edge.

 A confirmation yes is a reflexive response to a black-and-white

question, a simple affirmation with no promise of action.

 A commitment yes is a true agreement that leads to action.

 The job of a good negotiator isn't to put on a great performance, but to

gently guide their counterpart to discover their goal as his own.

 The other party should feel equally responsible, if not solely

responsible, for creating the connection with you and the new ideas
that they have.

 While we can't control others' actions, we can influence them by

inhabiting their world and seeing and hearing exactly what they want.

 Primal needs are urgent and illogical, and so arguing them into a
corner is just going to push your counterpart to flee with a counterfeit
yes.

 Nice, employed as a ruse, is disingenuous and manipulative. In the

context of a negotiation, feigned sympathy can backfire.

 Saying "no" gives the speaker the feeling of safety, security, and
control. It is a sign that the other party is engaged and thinking.

 No is not an abuse of power, an act of rejection, a manifestation of

stubbornness, or the end of a negotiation.

 If the other party is not listening, antagonize them into "no" by

mislabeling their emotions or desires, or by asking what they don't
want.

 If despite all your efforts, the other party won't say "no," then they are
indecisive, confused, or have a hidden agenda. Walk away.

 If your emails are being ignored, provoke a "no" with the one sentence
email: "Have you given up on this project?"

Chapter 5: Trigger the Two Words That Immediately Transform Any

Negotiation

 Psychologist Carl Rogers proposed unconditional positive regard, or

that real change can only come when the therapist accepts the client
as he or she really is.
  But because most of us experience conditional positive regard, we
instead calibrate our words to gain approval but disclosing little.

 Before you convince someone to see what you're trying to accomplish,

you must say the things to them that will get them to say "that's right."

 A good summary is the combination of re-articulating the meaning of

what is said plus acknowledging the emotions underlying that
meaning.

 When your adversaries say "that's right," they feel they have assessed
what you've said and pronounced it as correct of their own free will.
They embrace it.

 If your adversaries say "you're right," then they won't own the
conclusion. Their behavior won't change.

 "You're right," like "yes," is a social lubricant that is not in any way a
substitute for real understanding between two parties.

Chapter 6: Bend Their Reality

 Negotiation is never a linear formula. We all have irrational blind spots,

hidden needs, and undeveloped notions.

 There are always ways to bend our counterpart's reality so that it

conforms to what we ultimately want to give them, not to what they
initially think they deserve.

 Splitting the difference, or a "win-win approach," at best satisfies

neither side, and at worst fails against an adversary with a win-lose
approach.

 We don't compromise because it's right, but because it's easy and we
save face. Distilled to its essence, we compromise because it's safe.

 Never split the difference. Creative solutions are almost always

preceded by some risk, annoyance, confusion, or conflict.

 A deadline creates an environment of reactive behavior and poor

choices, allowing our counterpart can let it do all the work for him.

 Deadlines are the boogeymen of negotiation. They are often arbitrary,

almost always flexible, and never as consequential as we think.

 If you internalize "No deal is better than a bad deal," then your
patience can become a powerful weapon.
 Deadlines cut both ways. When the negotiation is over for one side,
then it's over for the other side too.

 Hiding your deadline increases the risk of an impasse, because having

a deadline pushes you to speed up your concessions, but the other
side, thinking it has time, will just hold out for more.

 While we may use logic to reason ourselves toward a decision, the

actual decision making is governed by emotion.

 The most powerful word in negotiations is "fair." We comply with

agreements if we feel we have been treated fairly, and lash out if we
don't.

 The phrase "We just want what's fair" destabilizes the other side.
Instead of conceding irrationally, apologize, and offer to go back to
where the unfairness began and fix things.

 The phrase "We've given you a fair offer" is nefarious. Mirror with
"Fair?" and label with "It seems like you're ready to provide evidence to
support that."

 The phrase "I want you to feel like you're being treated fairly at all
times. Please stop me at any time if you feel like you're being treated
unfairly, and we'll address it" is empowering.

 While our decisions may be largely irrational, there are consistent

patterns, principles, and rules behind how we act.

 The certainty effect says that we are drawn to sure things over
probabilities, even when the probability is a better choice.

 Loss aversion says that people will take greater risks to avoid losses
than to achieve gains.

 Real leverage in a negotiation is not delivering what the other party

wants, but convincing them that they have something concrete to lose
if the deal falls through.

 Start with an accusation audit to anchor your counterpart's emotions in

preparation for a loss. From loss aversion, they'll jump at the chance to
avoid it.

 Let the other side anchor monetary negotiations, since you often don't
know enough to open with confidence.
  Be prepared to withstand the first offer. It could be extreme to bend
your reality, and so his following, merely absurd offer will seem
reasonable.

 Establish a range in your offer. Expect your counterpart to come in at

the low end, so make the low number what you actually want.

 Anchor your counterpart high, then make your offer seem reasonable
by offering things that aren't important to you but could be important
to them.

 Similarly, if their offer is low, then ask for things that matter more to
you than to them.

 Numbers that end in 0 feel like temporary placeholders. Numbers that

sound less rounded feel serious and permanent to your counterpart.

 A wholly unrelated surprise gift can make extreme anchors palatable

because they introduce a dynamic of reciprocity.

 When negotiating a salary, be pleasantly persistent on non-salary

terms. The more you talk about them, the more you'll hear the full
range of options.

 Once you've negotiated a salary, define success for your position, as

well as metrics for your next raise.

 By selling yourself and your success as a way your boss can validate
his own intelligence and sell it to the rest of the company, he'll have a
stake in your success.

Chapter 7: Create The Illusion Of Control

 Successful negotiation involves the illusion of control: Having your

counterpart do the work for you and suggesting your solution himself.

 The calibrated, or open-ended, question acknowledges the other side

openly, while letting you introduce ideas and requests without
sounding pushy.

 Negotiation in a tit-for-tat, reciprocity-driven manner fails because we

all want to extract something from each other, but don't want to give.

 The calibrated question forces the other party to pause and actually
think about how to solve the problem.
 The counterpart solves the problem, and so it gives him the illusion of
control. Additionally, there is no reciprocity involved.

 Giving the illusion of control like this suspends "unbelief," or complete

rejection to what the other side is saying.

 The greatest calibrated question "How am I supposed to do that?"

transforms confrontational showdowns into joint problem-solving
sessions.

 Calibrated questions take the aggression out because they are subject
to interpretation by your counterpart instead of being rigidly defined.

 They have the power to educate your counterpart on what the problem
is rather than causing conflict by telling them what the problem is.

 Calibrated questions avoid "can," "is," "are," "do," or "does," which can
be answered with a simple "yes" or "no."

 Start questions with "what" and "how." "Who," "when," and "where" will
cause your counterpart to share a fact without thinking. "Why" can
sound accusatory.

 Only use "why" when the defensiveness that it creates supports the
change that you are trying to get them to see.

 The question "What is the biggest challenge you face?" gets the other
side to teach you something about themselves.

 A well-designed calibrated question implies that you need the other

party's intelligence to overcome the problem, which appeals to very
aggressive or egotistical types.

 Your counterpart is using his mental and emotional resources to

overcome your challenges, internalizing your way and the obstacles in
it as his own.

 This guides the other party into designing a solution that is in fact your
solution.

 Calibrated questions require self-control and emotional regulation. You

cannot influence the emotions of another party without controlling your
own.

 The first and most basic rule of keeping your emotional cool is to
figuratively bite your tongue. Pause and think.
  Also, when you are verbally assaulted, do not counterattack. Instead
disarm your opponent by asking a calibrated question.

 The hostage mentality says that in moments of conflict, we react to

lack of power by either becoming extremely defensive or lashing out.

Chapter 8: Guarantee Execution

 Your job isn't just to get to an agreement, but to get to one that can be
implemented and making sure that it happens.

 "How" questions, correctly used, are gentle and graceful ways to say
"no" and guide your counterpart to develop a solution that's your own.

 The other benefit of a "how" question is that it forces your counterpart

to consider and explain how a deal will be implemented.

 "How" questions convince them that the final solution is their idea, and
people always make more effort to implement a solution when they
think it's theirs.

 "How will we know when we're on track?" and "How will we address
things if we find we're off track" push counterparts to think they're
defining success their way.

 If you hear "you're right" or "I'll try," dive back in with calibrated "how"
questions until you get a "that's right."

 If you want your deal implemented, you must discover and affect any
individuals who can act as deal makers or deal killers.

 Beware of parties who are not directly involved but can help implement
agreements they like and block ones they don't.

 Many negotiations hinge on something other than money, often having

more to do with self-esteem, status, and other non-financial needs.

 Effective negotiators are conscious of verbal, paraverbal (how it's said),

and nonverbal communications.

 The 7-38-55 rule says 7 percent of a message is based on words, 38

percent from tone of voice, and 55 percent from body language and
facial expressions.

 When someone's tone of voice or body language is incongruous with

their words, use labels to discover its source.
  The Rule of Three is getting the other party to agree to the same thing
three times. This uncovers falsehoods and the aforementioned
incongruence.

 To avoid sounding like a broken record, label or summarize, or use

calibrated questions to hear agreement three times.

 The Pinocchio Effect says that liars use more words, speak in more
complex sentences, and use far more third-person pronouns.

 The harder it is to hear a first-person pronoun from a negotiator, the

more important they are. Smart negotiators defer to people away from
the table to avoid getting pinned down.

 Humanize yourself, use your name to introduce yourself, and say it in a

fun and friendly way.

 The phrase "Your offer is very generous, but I'm sorry, that just doesn't
work for me" is a second way of saying "no."

 The phrase "I'm sorry but I'm afraid I just can't do that" is a third way,
and is a little more direct.

 The art of closing a deal is staying focused to the very end.

Chapter 9: Bargain Hard

 The bargaining step produces the most anxiety and unfocused

aggression, which is why it's more fumbled and mishandled than any
other step.

 You and your counterpart have habits of mind and behavior, and once
you identify them you can leverage them in a strategic manner.

 Negotiators fall into three categories: Accommodators, Assertives, and

Analysts.

 To be good, you have to be yourself at the bargaining table. To be

great, you have to add to your strengths, not replace them.

 Analysts are methodical and diligent. They are not in a big rush, and
their self-image is linked to minimizing mistakes.

 Analysts work alone, rarely show emotion, extensively prepare, are

hypersensitive to reciprocity, are skeptical, value silence, and don't
value apologies.
 As an analyst, smile when you speak, so that you are not cut off from
an essential source of data, namely your counterpart.

 Accommodators value most the building of a relationship. They value

the time communicating and want a win-win.

 If your counterpart is an accommodator, ask calibrated questions to

translate their talk into action.

 As an accommodator, do not sacrifice your objections, and beware of

excessive chitchat, especially if your counterpart is one as well.

 Assertives believe time is money. Their self image is linked to getting

things done, and getting things perfect isn't paramount.

 Focus on what assertives have to say, because until they are convinced
you understand them, they won't listen to your point of view.

 Mirrors, calibrated questions, labels, and summaries work well with

assertives, who see every silence as an opportunity to speak more.

 As an assertive, be conscious of your tone. Use calibrated questions

and labels to make yourself more approachable.

 Don't assume that you are normal; this will lead to you unconsciously
projecting your style onto the other side.

 If your counterpart has an extreme anchor, deflect with calibrated

questions. If you must name a price first, allude to an incredibly high
number someone else might charge.

 Anger on your part shows passion, but reduces your counterpart's

resources for other cognitive activity, thereby reducing your gains.

 Use strategic umbrage, or threats delivered without anger but with

poise, like "I'm sorry that just doesn't work for me."

 The statement "I feel ___ when you ___ because ___" counteracts
unproductive statements and demands a time-out from your
counterpart.

 In any bare-knuckle bargaining session, the most vital principle is

never to look at your counterpart as your enemy.

 De-escalate by suggesting a time-out. Neither party is hostage to a

bad situation, and they'll regain a sense of agency and power.
  Ackerman bargaining: Set your target price as a nonround number,
then offer 65, 85, 95, 100 percent. Use empathy in between offers. On
your final offer, throw in a non-monetary item.

 People getting concessions often feel better about the bargaining

process than those who are given a single, firm, "fair" offer.

Chapter 10: Find The Black Swan

 Black Swan theory tells us that things happen that were previously
thought to be impossible, or never thought of at all.

 Black Swans are events or pieces of knowledge that sit outside of our
regular expectations and therefore cannot be predicted.

 When pieces don't add up it's usually because our frame of reference is
off. They only will if we break free of our expectations.

 Conventional questioning and research techniques confirm "known

knowns" and reduce uncertainty. They don't uncover "unknown
unknowns."

 Black Swans are leverage multipliers. Leverage, or the ability to inflict

loss and withhold gain, can always be manufactured.

 Leverage is fluid; you should always be aware of which side, at any

given moment, feels they have the most to lose if negotiations
collapse.

 Positive leverage is the ability to provide or withhold things that your

counterpart wants.

 Negative leverage is the ability to make a counterpart suffer, and is

based on threats. It preys on loss aversion.

 Black swans as negative leverage include what is important to them,

such as what signifies status to them or what worries them.

 Negative leverage can be perceived as taking away autonomy. Instead,

label your leverage and make it clear without attacking.

 Normative leverage is using the other party's norms and standards to

advance your position.

 Look for inconsistencies between the other party's beliefs and actions.
To find out what they believe, simply ask and listen openly.
 Positioning your demands within the worldview your counterpart uses
to make decisions shows them respect, which gets you attention and
results.

 Building rapport allows you to find similarities with your counterpart.

We trust people more when we view them as being similar or familiar.

 When you ascertain your counterpart's unattained goals, express

passion for their goals and for their ability to achieve them.

 To increase your effectiveness, offer reasons that reference your

counterpart's worldview.

 It is when we hear or see something that doesn't make sense, or

something "crazy," when we should push forward and look for Black
Swans.

 People acting with incomplete information appear crazy to those who

have different information.

 People may appear crazy if they have constraints that they are not
eager to reveal, such as not having the power to close the deal.

 People complying with needs and desires you don't yet understand,
based on their own rules or worldview, may appear crazy.

 Email is a bad medium for finding Black Swans: counterparts have time
to think and re-center themselves, and you can’t read non-verbal parts
of a response.

 Get face time with your counterpart, and hunt for Black Swans at the
fringes and ends of meetings, where people let their guard down.

 It is not the person across the table who scares us, but conflict itself.
We overwhelmingly resort to flight in fight-or-flight.

 Genuine, honest conflict between people over their goals helps

energize the problem-solving process in a collaborative way.

 Every negotiation, every conversation, every moment of life is a series

of small conflicts that can rise to creative beauty. Embrace them.
I would say that life is all about negotiation.

Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, offers several key pieces of
advice for effective negotiation:

Empathy: Understand and acknowledge the emotions and perspectives of

the other party.

Active Listening: Pay close attention to what the other party is saying to
gather valuable information.

Mirroring: Repeat the last few words the other person has said to build
rapport and encourage them to elaborate.

Labelling Emotion: Identify and vocalize the emotions of the other party to
make them feel heard and understood.

Calibrated Questions: Ask open-ended questions that begin with "how" or

"what" to encourage deeper conversation and insight.

Beware of "Yes": Be cautious of simply getting a "yes" response, as it may

not always mean true agreement or commitment.

Use Silence: After making a point or asking a question, use silence to prompt
the other party to respond more fully.

I personally like his approach of using the Late-Night FM DJ Voice: employing

a calm, soothing tone to create a sense of calm and control during
negotiations.

"That's Right!": Aim to get the other party to say "That's right!" which
indicates they feel understood and validated.

The book should have been titled "Start at No in Negotiations." Often, a "no"
means "wait" or "I'm not comfortable with that." Probe deeper and listen
carefully to uncover key information behind the "no" (such as "I want to but I
don't have the money now" or "it is actually my spouse, not me, who doesn't
agree"). This is a much more effective approach than trying to get the
counterpart to say "yes," which the person might say just to get rid of you.

The author, who is a former FBI hostage negotiator, included too many
hostage stories. These situations where lives are on the line, the negotiator
would never split the difference (e.g., you take 2 hostages and I take 2
hostages) and hence, the book title. But for everyday situations (like
negotiating with a family member, buying a car, or working with colleagues),
the stories aren't that useful and such a perspective on negotiations isn't
practical.

I recommend starting with Chapter 9 to understand the types of people in

negotiations:
Analyst - methodical and diligent; need time to go over facts and consider
the options
Accommodator - builds rapport through a continuous free-flowing exchange
of information; not necessarily focused on the desired outcome
Assertive - direct and candid; getting it done quickly is more important than
spending more time on getting it done right

Then start from the beginning and practice the skills, including:
Mirror - repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of
what someone has just said to draw out more information from the person
Label - validate someone's emotions and fears by acknowledging it (such as
"it seems like you feel you're not being appreciated")
Accusation List - list the worst things the counterpart could say about you
(such as "you probably think I don't spend enough time on this project") and
give statements to alleviate that concern (such as "You can trust me to do
my part without supervision" and "we all want this project to be successful").

Ask questions, collect information, and consider creative ways to get to your
goals (such as non-monetary items - amenities, upgrades, positive reviews,
and referrals). There is much more in the book that goes through the
nuances of what to say, how to say it, and how to behave. It is a book that
you need to read slowly, take notes, and practice the tips before moving on
to the next chapter.

I was taught all the BATNA and rational negotiations strategies in law school,
but all those assumptions were based on rationality and lack of feelings. But
we now understand that we are more prone to emotional decision making
(system 1 or the elephant) as opposed to cool headed reasoned thinking
(system 2 and the rider). So this book helps you negotiate (or maybe
manipulate?) with our emotional reptilian brains. And to watch out for your
own fallacies as well.

It breaks things down into simple concepts, but shows it takes practice to
hone the skills (obviously, otherwise I'd be sauntering into that lead FBI
negotiator position myself). Why should we start our questions with "what"
and "how"? Why do we want the other guy to say no? When is it helpful to
use the late night FM DJ voice vs. the chipper, friendly voice? I know the
answers now. And they make a hecka-lotta sense.

Some of my favorite take aways:

* Every person is driven by several primal urges in a negotiation: the need to

feel safe; the need to feel in control; the need to be understood. Your goal in
a negotiation is to gather as much information as possible to best meet
these needs. Most of the items below touch on these basic needs.

* Tactical empathy: deeply understand what other person is feeling and

what’s driving them. However, understanding that person is not the same as
agreeing with that person or feeling sorry for them—that’s sympathy. You
want empathy, because when you can understand what's driving someone,
you'll be far better at negotiating with them.

* There are three "voices" you typically want to use in a negotiation. The first
voice, and the one you should use by default, is your positive/playful voice:
the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person, that is light and
encouraging; relax and smile. The second is the late night radio DJ voice:
low, smooth, calm, and showing that (a) you're relaxed and confident
because (b) you are in control. And the third is the direct/assertive voice,
similar to a drill sergeant. You very rarely use the third one.

* Mirroring: repeat back to the person the last thing they said, or the most
important few words in their last sentence, but use voice intonation to
indicate that you want them to expand on that topic—that you're seeking
clarification. It gets them to do more talking and feel heard. It gives you
more information.

* Labeling emotions: give names to the emotions the other person is

expressing. Use the phrases "it seems like," "it sounds like," and "it looks
like." Example: "It sounds like this is really frustrating you" or "It seems like
you feel cheated." After providing the label, go silent. This prompts the other
person to respond: either they'll agree ("yea, that's exactly it!") or they'll
correct you ("I'm not frustrated, I'm..."), which case you'll understand them
better. The book "Emotional Agility" also talks about labeling emotions as an
effective way to better deal with your own feelings.

* Call out the negative: list all the other person's charges against you up
front. Call out all their fears, grievances, and problems, acknowledge them,
respond to them, and then invite the other person to add to it. Then, _listen_,
and don't judge. Instead, as the person adds other items, label each negative
emotion, acknowledge it, and find a way to turn it into something positive.
For example: "It seems like you're concerned that we're a small, relatively
unknown company, and what happens if we suddenly go out of business or
get acquired? Will you be left hanging? I think this is a valid concern, but the
advantage of working with a small company is that we can move much
faster, and our license ensures that if we disappear, you're going to be fine
because of [...]." Get the barriers that block progress into the open as soon
as possible so you can deal with them pro-actively.

* Loss aversion: convince the other side they have something to lose if they
don’t sign (and not only something win if they do sign). Humans are loss
averse, fearing loss significantly more than valuing wins, so showing them
what they lose can often be a bigger motivator than showing them what they
gain.

* Anchors: start off the bidding (yes, you can say the first number!) with an
extreme value to "anchor" the negotiation towards the range that favors you.
E.g., Offer just 50% of the asking price as the first bid. You can also use
ranges to your advantage, with the actual number you want at one end, and
your extreme bid at the other: e.g., offer a range of 50-75% of the asking
price, with your desired price being at 75%. This can be even more effective
if you bring up ranges from external data: e.g., "At company X they pay
$YYY-$ZZZ for this role." This way, the conversation isn't just about you or
your own greed/needs, but about market conditions.
* Asymmetry: look for asymmetric trade-offs, such as something the other
person can toss in that's cheap for them, but highly valuable for you. In most
cases, money is valued equally, so this means looking for non-monetary
terms. E.g., If you're a consultant negotiating with a law firm, you might be
able to get them to mention you in their next journal/publication, which is
cheap for them, but incredibly valuable marketing for you.

* Calibrated questions: take one of your demands and phrase it as a question

to make it less pushy. E.g., Instead of telling someone, "you can't take do X,"
you say, “what do you hope to accomplish by doing X?” Ask something that
forces them to think through YOUR problem: e.g., "How am I supposed to
know the hostage is OK?" These questions force the other person to have
empathy for your situation.

A particular powerful way to ask a calibrated question is to summarize the

discussion so far and ask, "How am I supposed to do that?" E.g., "So you
want me to sell this below my cost to produce it; how am I supposed to do
that?" You can make these questions a request for help: "Can you help me
figure out a way to get project X done by this deadline if project Y is also due
at the same time?"

Use these sorts of questions to guide the conversation. The responder will
actually end up doing most of the talking, so they'll feel like they are in
control (they'll also feel more committed to the solution, as they will be
actively helping to come up with it!), but you're actually guiding them, and
forcing them to see things your way. After all, by answering your calibrated
questions, they have to make your obstacles theirs and come up with a
solution—YOUR solution.

A few notes: (a) The question you ask must be *open ended*; it' can't be a
yes/no question or a quick factual question, otherwise, they'll answer without
thinking, and expect something in return. (b) Don't accuse the person or
attack them in the form of a question; instead, guide them to think through
the blockers for you. (c) Most of the questions should be "what" and "how"
questions; why is often accusatory, so you probably want to avoid it.

Examples:

What makes you ask?

What about is important to you?
How can I help make this better for us?
How would you like me to proceed?
What is it that brought us into this situation?
How can we solve the problem?
What’s the objective / What are we trying to accomplish here?
How am I supposed to do that?

* Aim to not only get a "yes," but also a "how." The how is the
implementation. If you just get a "yes," but no implementation details, then
you may still fail. Use calibrated questions to ferret out the how. E.g., How
am I supposed to do that? How will we know we’re on track? How will we
address things if we find we’re off track? How does this affect the rest of your
team? How on board are the people not on this call? What do your colleagues
see as their main challenges in this area?

* Backup listener: someone who joins negotiations just to listen. Their job is
to listen between the lines while the other person talks. When you're the
active participant, you'll often miss critical cues that a backup listener can
spot.

* Slow down. Most people go way too fast, but if you go too fast, the other
person won’t feel like they are being heard.

* Strategy for dealing with a "bulldog" who tries to aggressively roll over you:
(a) Use your late night radio DJ voice. (b) Say "sorry": e.g., I'm sorry you're
feeling so much pressure. (c) Mirror: make it clear you're seeking
clarification. The other person will repeat their message, but in different
words, perhaps calmer. (d) Listen silently. (e) Repeat. If you do this over and
over, the other person will quickly calm down. If you are being attacked, slow
down, pause, count to 10 if you have to: the goal is to let your emotions
settle. Then use the previous steps and calibrated questions.

* Don't be afraid of "no." No is the start of a negotiation—not the end of it.

People want the power to say "no" (autonomy). Give them that power!
Instead of avoiding "no" at all costs, try to look for a way to get an early "no"
to make the other person feel comfortable and in control. Could be as simple
as saying, "well, do you want this project to fail?" Another one that can work,
especially if a customer has stopped responding: "have you given up on this
project?" Sometimes, you want to intentionally get someone to say no, just
to bring them into the conversation: e.g., intentionally mislabel an emotion.
* There are three types of yes. The first is the "counterfeit yes," where
someone says yes just to move the conversation along, but with no intention
of carrying through with whatever they agreed to (e.g., if you push too hard
or are too aggressive, people may say yes just to get you to shut up, but
they'll weasel out of it later). The second is the "confirmation yes," where
someone agrees with something you said, but isn't necessarily going to do
anything about it. The third, and the one you really want in a negotiation, is
the "commitment yes," where the person intends to follow through. You may
want to aim for three such yesses to really flush out any last reservations
and to get the person 100% on board.

* Look for a "that’s right!" from the other person. If you can get them to say
"that's right!" it means you've finally understood them and they know it. One
way to get that is to present a summary of what you understand to be that
person's goals/needs/position. If you get it right, the person will agree—and
they'll agree with you without feeling like they are "giving in." But it's an
agreement and it makes them feel understood, which is huge. Note that
while "that's right!" is very valuable, "you're right" is often a disaster. It's not
about you; it's about them and their needs.

* This book argues against "compromise." The argument is that compromises

are lazy and avoid pain, but no one ends up getting what they really want.
E.g., if the husband wants to wear black shoes and the wife wants him to
wear browns hoes, then a compromise or splitting the difference results in
the husband wearing one black shoe and one brown shoe—everyone loses.
The reality is that good solutions require stress and pain.

* Haggling techniques: (a) Figure out your target price. (b) Begin your
bidding at around 65% of your target price; then go to 85%, 95%, 100%. The
first jump seems really big, and each jump after that is smaller and smaller
to make it feel like you're approaching your absolute ceiling. (c) Use non-
round numbers; instead of offering $500, offer $512.32, as it makes it seem
like you did an exact calculation, and that's truly your ceiling. (d) As they
make counter-offers, use calibrated questions to have the person bid against
themselves: "Thank you for your generous offer. I wish I could, but I just can't
do that. How could I ?"

* In a negotiation, the other part is NOT your enemy; not even in a hostage
negotiation, let alone when negotiating salaries. The only enemy is the
situation; the other person you're negotiating with is actually your partner in
navigating this situation.

* Hopes and dreams: Visualize what the other person wants out of life, and
try to use those aspirations to persuade them. Display a passion for what
that person wants and lay out a plan for getting them there. Draw a roadmap
for how that person can achieve their dreams—change their perception of
what's possible—and you will succeed.

Phew. That's a lot of useful advice. Perhaps that's the biggest gotcha with the
book: there's so much here that it's hard to know how to put it all together. I
guess that's where practice comes in!

Oh, and as always, I've saved a few of my favorite quotes:

“Negotiate in their world. Persuasion is not about how bright or smooth or

forceful you are. It’s about the other party convincing themselves that the
solution you want is their own idea. So don’t beat them with logic or brute
force. Ask them questions that open paths to your goals. It’s not about you.”

“'Yes' and 'Maybe' are often worthless. But 'No' always alters the
conversation.”

“Negotiation is the art of letting the other side have your way.”

He can never "split the difference"--a euphemism for compromise--because

to compromise in a hostage negotiation is to lose a life or many lives.

Voss explains how to negotiate--not just for the FBI, but in any realm of life.
So much of his advice sounds completely anti-intuitive. Just as an example,
one should not be encouraged by the answer "Yes". It is much better to hear
the answer "No". Why? A "Yes" means that your counterpart just wants to get
rid of you. A "No" means that he is thinking for himself. You want to pose a
question that gets a "No" response, but in a positive way. For example, "Do
you want to give up on any chance of making a deal?" would be properly
answered by "No", which means that your counterpart is thinking on his own,
and not pressured to answer "Yes".
My learnings in the book fell into two main buckets:

• Questions to ask myself and area to cover in every negotiation – this

includes making sure I understand the other side's motivation and
limitations, do enough research, make sure I know what's the highest price I
am ready to pay.
• Tactical tips – given that I am not super experienced in negotiations, there
was a lot that was new to me. Calibrated questions, accusation audit for my
side, ideas how to deal with naming a price, making current lack of
agreement my fault, instead of attacking the price/belittling the product.

Applying those ideas in practice turned out to be not as hard as I thought, so

the return of investment of the book has been positive. An interesting side
effect I noticed is that I don't avoid negotiation situations as much, because I
feel a tiny bit more confident. I see this as another win.

After all the praise, I’d like to offer a fair warning to future readers. Most
strategies, and especially those relying on specific wording, are heavily
dependent on the negotiation happening in the U.S. or in a similar enough
culture. For example, both verbatim translations of “How am I supposed to
do that?” and the general message sound ridiculous in Bulgarian. Another,
similar example is trying to use the “I can't afford this” strategy – the other
side shamed me for being poor :-) That said, I found the general framework
to be universally applicable.

A few points I've remembered:

- Every negotiation starts with a "no". If you start with questions leading to
"yes" (Do you want to help the world? Do you think we should stop animal
abuse? ...), the other party will go into defense mode. By getting them to
disagree early on, you'll establish boundaries and when they then say "yes",
they really mean it (commitment yes).
- Empathy is important. You can't negotiate without understanding what (and
why) the other party wants.

Never Split the difference:

Learnings:
- Active Listening: listen more than talk.
- Mirroring: repeat the 3 important words in the last sentence your
counterpart said.
- Silences: after saying a proposal, something important or labeling/mirroring
try a moment of silence, people feel uncomfortable with it and will keep
talking.
- Late-Night FM DJ voice: calm and deep.
- Tactical Empathy:
- Labeling: repeating the persons perspectives and feelings back to them.
- Accusation Audit: before sending a harsh info or low ball, you say they’ll
think you’re “bad and mean”.
- Summaries: summarizes what your counterpart said and his feelings.
- Paraphrasing: paraphrases what he said to show empathy and
understanding.
- Go for “That’s right” instead of “Yes” or “You’re right”. It means you
understood how the person thinks instead of having him dodging you.
- “No”: aim for a no question in the beginning instead of always going for
“Yes”.
- Fairness idea: it’s a great tool to pressure the others proposal
- Deadlines: use them to apply pressure and create urgency.
- Make them feel like not accepting your offer is a loss.
- Questions: always use open ended questions to make them talk and solve
your problems: “How” and “What”. Avoid questions that can be answered
with yes or no.
- Calibrated questions: make your counterpart bid against themselves with
these, the most common one is “how am I supposed to do that?”. Basically
they’re your way of saying “No” to their proposal but without doing it, this
way avoiding to do a counterproposal.
- Bargain:
- Always try to make your counterpart bid first,
- Give a low/high ball in the beginning to set an anchor
- Use ranges to be less aggressive (especially when setting the first price).
- Use odd/weird numbers to seem that is the result of a calculation
- Negotiate non-cash benefits if their proposal is too low, instead of giving a
far number. (“What could you offer me that makes this deal great for both of
us?”).
- Ackerman system:
- Set your target price (goal)
- Set your first offer 65% above/bellow target
- Calculate three raises of decreasing increments to 85%, 95%, 100%.
- Use lots of empathy and different ways of saying “no” to get the other to
counter before you increase your offer.
- When calculating a final amount use a precise, non-round number.
- On the final number throw a non-monetary item to show that you’re at your
limit.
- Black Swan: informations that you don’t know and are game changers. Best
way to find them out is to get to know your counterpart personally, ask open-
ended questions, make them talk, and listen closely.

This is by far the best book on negotiation I've ever read and newly entered
into my top reads list. Never split the difference takes conventional thinking
that negotiating is logical, is about "getting to yes" and "splitting the
difference" to get achieve a "win-win" situation, then flips that thinking on
it's head. The author frames negotiation as two parties working collaborating
where the situation is the adversary - what a great way to approach a
negotiation. The author stresses the importance of genuine empathy in a
negotiation. As a consumer, father and professional salesperson, this book is
invaluable. My key takeaways:
-When disagreeing with someone's point of view, say "sorry: repeat back to
them what they said in a radio voice and then they should be able to give
you some additional clarity. If more clarity is needed, repeat
-Use labeling to disarm someone and generate trust during a disagreement,
for example: "it looks as though you want to do the following" "it looks as
though you feel the following way"
-Accusation audit (a form of anchoring): say upfront the worst case scenario /
harshly self-critique for example I'm going to sound like an a****** and then
say the statement, they will be more sympathetic and less likely to think you
are an a****** as a result
-Don't be afraid of no. No is the start of a negotiation it makes people feel
calm and in control so give them the chance to do so. Allow them to respond
to no and work towards getting the "that's right" you seek
-Empathy doesn't mean you necessarily agree with the other person it
means you're trying to understand their point of view
-Asking questions you know will result in a no answer are very productive for
example ask "what will you say no to today?"
-To get a response when someone is ignoring your emails ask them "have
you given up on this project?"
-A summary is labeling and paraphrasing
-Successful negotiations result in getting to "that's right" not to "you're
right". It's about correctly understanding the other person's point of view and
situation
-Contrary to popular belief you get a better deal when both parties know
your deadline
-We are all irrational and we are all emotional
-Use calibrated questions to collect information that start with what and how
never use why which is accusatory
-Repeatedly asking calibrated open how questions is a way to say no without
making others feel like they've lost control
-The objective is not to get others to say "yes" it's to get them to say "that's
right" keep asking calibrated questions until they say "that's right"
-To understand who all the decision-makers are, ask open questions like "how
does this affect the rest of the team?" "who else will be affected by this?"
"how do others feel about this?"
-To avoid getting a false yes, have them say yes three times in three different
ways using calibrated questions
-Using your first name humanizes the discussion. Funny example I'm going to
try for getting a discount at a store by saying "hi my name is Jeff what's the
Jeff discount"
-There are four ways to say no: ask "how can I do that"; "your offer is very
generous but I just cannot do that"'; gently say no (need to re-listen to
remember the 4th)
-A bargaining technique is to offer 65% of what you willing to pay (extreme
anchor) then 85 then 95 then 100 and make sure to emphasize along the
way
-At every negotiation there should be three black swans: a piece of
information that is previously unknown and instrumental to the negotiation
-To uncover black swans in a meeting have a second person join you both of
you take notes compare notes afterwards and also look between the lines
-Uncover the other person's unobtained goals and charter a plan for them to
achieve them