0% found this document useful (0 votes)
13 views38 pages

Tom25 Keys To Healthy Relationships

The document is a guide titled 'Keys to Healthy Relationships' by Doug Britton, part of a larger series aimed at discipleship training. It provides principles for fostering healthy relationships based on biblical teachings, including loving others, managing disappointments, and practicing forgiveness. The book is designed for individual and group study, with structured lessons and discussion questions to facilitate understanding and application of the concepts presented.

Uploaded by

2001-001907
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
0% found this document useful (0 votes)
13 views38 pages

Tom25 Keys To Healthy Relationships

The document is a guide titled 'Keys to Healthy Relationships' by Doug Britton, part of a larger series aimed at discipleship training. It provides principles for fostering healthy relationships based on biblical teachings, including loving others, managing disappointments, and practicing forgiveness. The book is designed for individual and group study, with structured lessons and discussion questions to facilitate understanding and application of the concepts presented.

Uploaded by

2001-001907
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
You are on page 1/ 38

Keys to Healthy Relationships: Book twenty-five in “The Owner’s Manual to the New You”

Copyright © 2020 by Doug Britton


All rights reserved. Except as specified below, no portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a
retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means (including, but not limited to, electronic,
mechanical, photocopy, audio recording, and scanning) except for brief quotations in critical reviews or
articles, without prior written permission from the publisher.
However, permission is granted to copy this book for personal use provided it is made available at
no charge and it is copied in its entirety, with no changes. This permission may be revoked at any time.
If this book is copied in quantities of five or more, please send a brief email describing how it is being
used to [email protected].
Bible translation: Except when otherwise noted, Scriptures are taken from the Holy Bible, New
International Version 1984. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission
of Zondervan Bible Publishers.
ISBN: 978-1-930153-74-5
Version: TOM2520191106A
Published by LifeTree Books, Sacramento, CA • Visit www.dougbrittonbooks.com
The Owner’s Manual to the New You
Forty-eight short books
(Each book includes a five-day Bible study and homework)

By Doug Britton, MFT

Twelve books on “Knowing God”

Twelve books on “Developing a Godly Character”

Twelve books on “Enjoying Healthy Relationships”

Twelve books on “Overcoming Personal Problems”

For
Individuals
Small Groups
Churches

Available free for personal use at:


www.dougbrittonbooks.com/owners-manual
The Owner’s Manual to the New You
“The Owner’s Manual to the New You,” published by LifeTree Books, is a series of forty-eight cross-
cultural discipleship books by Bible-based Marriage and Family Therapist Doug Britton. LifeTree
Books is making these books available free of charge for individual use.
Each book is ideal for a five-day study by small groups, classes, or individuals. Although this is a
forty-eight-book series, each book can be studied as a complete book by itself.

Knowing God Enjoying Healthy Relationships


Book 1: Who is God? Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships
Book 2: Becoming a Believer Book 26: Making Friends
Book 3: Your Identity in Christ Book 27: Showing Grace to Others
Book 4: Quick Overview of the Bible Book 28: Forgiving Others
Book 5: How to Study the Bible Book 29: Serving Others
Book 6: How to Pray Book 30: Resolving Conflicts
Book 7: Key Christian Practices Book 31: Overcoming Peer Pressure
Book 8: Successful Christian Living Book 32: Helping Others with Wisdom
Book 9: Living a Joyful Life Book 33: Dating, Marriage, and Sex
Book 10 Knowing God’s Will Book 34: Embracing the Body of Christ
Book 11: Obeying God Book 35: Respecting Authority
Book 12: Living in God’s Power Book 36: Sharing Your Faith

Developing a Godly Character Overcoming Personal Problems


Book 13: Growing in Christ Book 37: Overcoming Your Anger (Part 1)
Book 14: Changing Your Self-Image Book 38: Overcoming Your Anger (Part 2)
Book 15: Changing Your Attitudes Book 39: Overcoming Rejection
Book 16: Living with Humility Book 40: Overcoming Temptation (Part 1)
Book 17: Living with Purpose Book 41: Overcoming Temptation (Part 2)
Book 18: Living with Self-Control Book 42: Overcoming Anxiety and Fear
Book 19: Living with Integrity Book 43: Overcoming Jealousy and Insecurity
Book 20: Growing through Problems Book 44: Overcoming Self-Sufficiency
Book 21: Trusting God Book 45: Overcoming Guilt and Shame
Book 22: Breaking Free from Our Culture Book 46: Overcoming Discouragement
Book 23 Handling Money Responsibly Book 47: Overcoming Failure
Book 24: Staying Faithful to God Book 48: Overcoming the Fear of Death
Contents

Foreword 7

Small Group Leader’s Guidelines 8

Day One: Love Others As-Is 9


Homework – Day One 13

Day Two: Listen to Deeply Understand 15


Homework – Day Two 19

Day Three: Talk with Respect and Love 21


Homework – Day Three 25

Day Four: Be an Encourager 27


Homework – Day Four 31

Day Five: Review and Test (may be removed by leader) 33

About the Author 37

More Books by Doug Britton 38


Foreword

When I was first asked to write a series of downloadable books for intensive discipleship training, I
was excited. Jesus has revolutionized my life, and I am glad to share his truths with you.
The pages you are about to study come straight from God’s word. They contain truth that puts our
feet on the path to the fullest life possible—truth that sets us free.
As Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the
truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:31-32).
May God speak to your heart as you read, and may he bring his truth alive in your life.

Your brother in Christ,


Doug Britton

P.S. LifeTree Books is offering this downloadable book and all the other books in “The Owner’s
Manual to the New You” series free of charge. If you find these books helpful, please feel free to
spread the news to churches, ministries, and individuals who might benefit from them.
Small Group Leader’s Guidelines

Introduction. These studies are for new believers as well as mature Christians. They are
for small groups, discipleship classes, mentors, and individuals. They are ideal for studies
lasting from sixty to ninety minutes.
Choose the key points, verses, and discussion questions you will talk about. Don’t
think you need to cover every verse and question. With new believers, go over the main
points, key verses, and selected questions. Go into more depth with mature Christians.
Begin and end each study with prayer. Start by asking God to help each person grow
from the study. At the end, ask everyone to pray for help to put God’s truth into practice.
Review homework. Before starting the current lesson, ask group members to discuss
their answers to some of the previous day’s homework questions.
Personalize the lesson. Although it’s okay to read each lesson word-for-word, the
material will “come alive” if you discuss some of the key points in your own words. Share
your own experiences and struggles, and how God has helped you.
As you read, identify important points and key parts of verses. Ask group
members to circle them, and then explain why you want to emphasize these points.
Get everyone involved. The more people are actively involved, the more they are
impacted by what you are studying. Don’t ask questions that can be answered by “yes” or
“no.” For example, don’t ask, “Do you have any thoughts about this?” Instead, ask, “How
does this insight speak to you?”
Consider breaking up into smaller groups to discuss the questions if you are
leading a large group or class.
Use day five for a review and test. Use the questions in day five as a review and/or
test. Remove these pages if you do not want group members to see the questions ahead of
time.

Want to Learn More?


Free online resources: For more suggestions for small group leaders as well as many
online Bible studies on Christianity and daily living (anger, marriage, self-image, finances,
and more), visit www.dougbrittonbooks.com/resources/small-groups
Small group leader’s book: For detailed information on how to lead small groups and
overcome typical problems, visit www.dougbrittonbooks.com/bookstore/small-groups.
Day One: Love Others As-Is

In this book you will read four guidelines from God’s


word about how to get along with other people. Today’s
lesson covers the most important one—to love your
neighbor as yourself.

Jesus commanded us to love others—even


your enemies
It’s not always easy to love other people. Yet Jesus said
that is God’s second most important commandment.
Read what he said when he was talking to some Jewish
leaders:
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all
your heart and with all your soul and with all your
mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.
And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as
yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-
40)
When Jesus said to love your neighbor, he wasn’t just talking about loving your friends. He was
saying we are to love everyone—including our enemies.
You have heard that it was said, “Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.” But I tell you:
Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your
Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the
righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are
not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you
doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly
Father is perfect. (Matthew 5:43-48)

Discussion questions
1. Do you think Jesus really wants us to love our enemies and pray for people who persecute
us? If so, do you find this easy to do? Why or why not?
2. Why did Jesus imply that we will get a greater reward for loving our enemies than for loving
people who love us?

Be prepared for disappointments


Be ready to be disappointed by people from time to time. That doesn’t mean you should always
expect the worst moment by moment. But it does mean that in the back of your mind you should
realize others will disappoint you now and again.
In a way, life is like the weather. Every morning, you look outside hoping for a blue sky, but if it’s
raining, you are not entirely undone. Why? Because you know your hopes for a sunny day will be

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 9


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

disappointed from time to time. Likewise in life, expect some rainy days, with an outside chance of
a hurricane.
When you realize that disappointments are inevitable, you are less likely to respond with an
indignant, “I can’t believe you did that!” Or, “How could you be so rude?” Or, “If that’s the way you
feel, I’m not speaking to you.”
Instead, you expect others to sometimes say or do things that hurt you.
A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense. (Proverbs 19:11)
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)

Discussion questions
3. How do you usually respond when you are disappointed with others?
4. How will expecting to be disappointed from time to time help you respond differently?

“Bear with” others


The Bible says to “bear with” other people. That means putting up with other people’s faults,
differences, and quirks. It means showing compassion, love, tolerance, gentleness, and patience. It
also means not commenting every time someone does something wrong.
Love is patient, love is kind. (1 Corinthians 13:4)
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion,
kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever
grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians
3:12-13)

Discussion questions
5. What does the Bible mean by “bear with each other” (Colossians 3:13)?
6. Describe a situation in which God helped you bear with someone.
7. Describe a situation in which you would like someone to bear with you.

Remember that you too are imperfect.


If you always tell the truth, you may fly into a rage when other people appear to be telling a lie. If
you pray one hour a day, and someone else only prays to find parking spots, you may not respect
his or her spiritual life.
It’s easy to slip into a judgmental attitude when someone else does something you overcame in
your own life. For example, if you used to be late for church but now are usually on time, you may
get upset when others are late.
One way to overcome a judgmental spirit is to confront your own sins. You may not have the same
faults as someone else, but you have lots of different faults of your own. This realization can help
you live with others’ shortcomings.

Discussion question
8. How can the knowledge that you are imperfect help you be patient with other people’s
shortcomings?

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 10


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

Replace frustration with loving concern.


It’s easy to react with anger, bitterness, or sarcasm when other people’s words or actions disappoint
you. Instead, ask God to help you respond with compassion. For example, if someone speaks
loudly, don’t simply react with irritation. Try to understand the tension he or she is feeling and
respond with wisdom and love.
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we
have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. (Hebrews
4:15)

Realize that the Holy Spirit convicts of sin.


You may think you need to point out someone else’s faults for his or her own good. Although gentle
confrontation sometimes is appropriate, don’t make a habit of it. The Holy Spirit speaks to each of
us, convicting us of sin. If you continuously criticize other people, you may get in God’s way. When
you argue, others are less likely to hear the Holy Spirit. You usually are much more effective if you
pray for them instead of criticizing.

Discussion questions
9. Do you think you sometimes get in God’s way because you correct others a lot? If so, how do
you think your responses get in God’s way?
10. What would be a better way to respond to others’ faults?

Look for the positive


If you look for the negative, you will find it. Likewise, if you look for the positive, you will find it.
Focus on the good, lovely, and noble things about other people—his winsome grin, her gentle
touch, his jokes, her organizational skills.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think
about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

Forgive others
If you hold on to a bitter, angry, or resentful attitude, you are grieving God. His word repeatedly
commands forgiveness.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you.
(Ephesians 4:32)

Discussion questions
11. Do you easily forgive others? When is it hard for you to forgive?
12. What are times it is easy for you to forgive?
13. Read Matthew 6:14-15, 1 Corinthians 13:5, and Colossians 3:13. What is the key message in
these passages? How will this message help you forgive?

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 11


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

Discuss problems courteously


Although you should not constantly complain, from time to time it is loving and appropriate to
voice a complaint, make a request, express concern for someone else’s well-being, or discuss
problems.
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. (Proverbs 27:6)
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17)

Confront serious sin


Loving others does not mean you should not confront serious sin. For example, if you are married,
if your spouse physically abuses you, commits adultery, is a drug addict, or engages in other types
of serious sins, take action. Ask God to help you respond in love, yet also set limits, talk to your
pastor, insist on counseling, call the police, or take other steps.

Do you know Jesus?


This book was written to help believers in Jesus grow in their faith and personal life. You will get
the most out of these pages if you know Christ, since it is through his love and power that you can
truly change. If you have not yet entered into a relationship with Jesus, let me invite you to accept
him as your Savior and Lord. Make this your personal prayer:
Jesus, I believe you are the Son of God, and I need your help. I confess I have sinned and failed
you in many ways. I invite you to be my Savior and Lord, and I ask you to help me follow you
the rest of my life. Thank you for loving me, forgiving me, and accepting me as your child.
If you prayed this prayer, welcome to the family of God. God has plans for you—to transform you.
You have an exciting life ahead of you!

Memory verse
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 12


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

Homework – Day One

1. Should we love our friends and hate our enemies? Why or why not?

2. What types of people are most difficult for you to love? Why do you think that is true?

3. Does God want you to love these people? How can you develop the right attitude toward them?

4. Does loving someone mean you think everything they are doing is okay?

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 13


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

5. Why is it helpful to expect to be disappointed by others sometimes?

6. If you see someone doing something wrong, is gentle confrontation sometimes appropriate?
Why or why not?

7. If you see someone doing something wrong, should you always try to correct him or her? Why
or why not?

8. Do you agree that remembering you are imperfect can help you “bear with” other people’s
faults? Why or why not?

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 14


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
Day Two: Listen to Deeply Understand

Listening, not talking, is the most important part of


communicating. When you deeply understand what
other people are saying, you build the foundation for an
intelligent and meaningful conversation and an intimate
relationship. When you listen superficially, you lay the
groundwork for a shallow discussion, one likely to
frustrate both of you. You leave that person feeling
misunderstood and alone.
When words are many, sin is not absent, but he
who holds his tongue is wise. (Proverbs 10:19)
Be quick to listen, slow to speak. (James 1:19)

Are you a good listener?


Do you think, “Other people don’t listen to me”? If so,
let me challenge you with a question: Do others think
you really listen? You may have been friends for years and yet not have truly heard the most basic
things someone has been trying to tell you.
Just as you have a deep longing to be understood, to know that others care about what you say, so
does that person. As you study this lesson, don’t focus on your desire to be heard. Rather, focus on
being a better listener yourself.

Discussion question
1. Do you need to become a better listener? Explain your answer. (If you answered “yes,” in
what ways have you been a poor listener?)

Seek to deeply understand other people


It is possible to listen to someone else and accurately quote all the words back, yet not understand
his or her heart. Jesus talked about people who heard his words but did not hear his message
(Matthew 13:15-16). In the same way, at times we are deaf to what other people are trying to tell us.
When you listen, make it a goal to deeply understand that person. Do your best to really
understand what someone thinks and feels—to enter his or her world, to see through his or her
eyes.
Approach this task seriously. See yourself as a researcher trying to grasp a hidden mystery. Show a
genuine interest in what that person says. Be like Timothy, of whom Paul wrote:
I have no one else like him, who takes a genuine interest in your welfare. For everyone looks
out for his own interests. (Philippians 2:20-21)

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 15


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

Discussion question
2. Has anyone ever listened to you in such a way that it seemed he or she deeply understood
what you were saying? If so, what did that feel like? How can you listen to people in the
same way?

Learn to understand other people’s “language.”


You and someone else may speak different “languages,” languages as different as Mandarin
Chinese and French. For example, you may speak like a lawyer (the language of logic) and the other
person may speak like a poet (the language of emotions).

Discussion questions
3. Do you and someone else speak in “different languages”? If so, how would you describe that
person’s language? How would you describe your language?
4. What changes could you make in the way you listen to better understand his or her
language?

Realize you may misinterpret.


People are often absolutely certain they understand someone else’s message, yet they frequently are
very, very wrong. Or they understand the message, but don’t see what’s underneath the words. By
trusting their impressions instead of fully listening, they put up a massive roadblock to effective
communication.
Don’t be satisfied with simplistic interpretations of that person’s moods or actions, no matter how
sure you are that you are correct.

Discussion questions
5. Describe a time you misinterpreted what someone said. Why do you think you
misinterpreted?
6. What steps can you take to make it less likely you will misinterpret other people’s words?

Listen to emotions, not just words.


If you listen only to someone’s words, you may miss what he or she is really saying. Listen to the
literal message, but also ask yourself, “Why is this person saying this? What are the underlying
emotions?”

Discussion questions
7. Have you ever noticed that someone’s words did not seem to match his or her emotions? If
so, describe that situation.
8. How can you become more aware of how people are really feeling?

Let go of past hurtful words


If someone says hurtful things, it’s easy to fixate on them, turning them over and over in your
mind. You may distrust anything that person ever says again because you are sure the unkind
words are what that person really thinks.

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 16


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

Although it may be understandable to feel this way, ask God to help you look at the situation
through his eyes. Remind yourself that:
• Words said in anger do not tell the whole story.
• People change.
• God calls you to forgive. Read Colossians 3:13.

Make it easy for others to talk


Sometimes we put up roadblocks that cut off conversations, not realizing what we have done. For
example, if you have a silent friend, there is an excellent chance that you talk too much. If you fill
the air with too many words, your friend may see no reason to talk or may not know how to get a
word in edgewise. Remember Solomon’s warning:
When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. (Proverbs 10:19)
The following ideas will help you encourage others to talk more freely. Check each one that you
need to work on.
£ Encourage people to express their feelings.
£ Ask for feedback if someone is distant or upset.
£ Monitor your intensity level. (Don’t get too loud or intense.)
£ Ask open-ended questions (questions that can’t be answered by “yes” or “no”).
£ Speak respectfully when you disagree.
£ Respond to criticism without getting defensive.
£ Watch your nonverbal communication (such as frowning or looking away).
£ Ask clarifying questions.
£ Paraphrase what other people say (by saying what they said in your own words).
£ Give others time to think before they speak.
£ Do not ask a question, then answer it yourself.
£ Let someone finish talking before you speak.
£ Avoid focusing on what you will say. Pay attention to the other person.

Discussion questions
9. Choose two of the previous ideas that will help you make it easier for others to talk and help
you listen more clearly. Explain why you chose them and how you think they will help.
10. How will you remind yourself to put these ideas into practice?

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 17


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

Ask if you are a good listener


You might be a poor listener without knowing it. For instance, you may not realize when you
interrupt, or you may think you understand others when you really don’t.
Ask other people to tell you if there are ways you cut off communication. Also ask if there are things
they have been trying to say that you don’t seem to have heard or understood. If someone gives you
feedback about this, do not argue. This is an opportunity to listen without getting defensive or
slipping into hurt feelings.

Discussion question
11. Who could you ask if you are a good listener? Make a plan to ask him or her. Be sure to
listen carefully to his or her words. Don’t argue.

Memory verse
When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. (Proverbs 10:19)

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 18


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

Homework – Day Two

1. Why is listening the most important part of communication?

2. What does it mean to deeply understand people?

3. Why is it important to deeply understand people?

4. Have you ever noticed you and someone you were talking with had “different languages”? How
did this affect your conversation? Were you able to overcome it?

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 19


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

5. Describe one time you misinterpreted someone or someone misinterpreted you. Did this cause
problems? Were you able to resolve these problems? If so, how?

6. What are some ways you can make it easy for people to talk?

7. What do you think you should do to become a better listener?

8. Ask someone you know if you are a good listener. Ask for examples of times you listened or
didn’t listen. Write what this person tells you here:

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 20


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
Day Three: Talk with Respect and Love

God cares about the way we talk. In fact, there are


numerous scriptures telling us how to talk. For
example, the Bible says, “A word aptly spoken is like
apples of gold in settings of silver” (Proverbs 25:11).
God says our words should be things of beauty, “like
apples of gold in settings of silver.” But what does that
mean?
Is God saying we should always speak with great
eloquence or that we should speak in poetry? No, that’s
not what he is saying. Let’s read three more proverbs
that help us understand his point.
The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life.
(Proverbs 10:11)
Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul
and healing to the bones. (Proverbs 16:24)
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. (Proverbs
18:21)
God is telling us our words should be pleasant, offering healing and life.

Discussion questions
1. Are your words things of beauty, “like apples of gold”?
2. Read Proverbs 18:21. What does this proverb mean?

The way you talk is usually more important than whether you are right or
wrong
The key to life-giving conversations is to determine that you personally will talk in a loving, godly
manner regardless of how other people talk. The way you talk is usually more important than
whether you are right or wrong, whether others listen to you, or whether you get your way. In other
words, the process usually is more important than the result.
This concept is foreign to most of us. We would rather focus on who is right or wrong than examine
how we talk. It is as if we were in a court of law, interested only in winning our case. We may be
relatively unconcerned about our bitterness, sarcasm, or anger. After all, we think, wisdom is on
our side. But look at what the Bible says about wisdom.
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate,
submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. (James 3:17)
Is it wrong to seek a solution when discussing a problem? No. But make this your secondary goal.
Your main goal is to talk courteously. You may not “win” an argument, but you can walk away a
winner in Christ because you loved other people and talked courteously. As Paul wrote:

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 21


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

We know that we all possess knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. (1
Corinthians 8:1)

Discussion questions
3. Read 1 Corinthians 8:1. What does this verse mean?
4. Do you agree that the way you talk is usually more important than whether you are right or
wrong? Why or why not?
5. Are you willing to try to speak courteously, no matter what? Explain your answer.

Guard your tongue


Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a
city. (Proverbs 16:32)
The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly. (Proverbs
15:2)
But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless
word they have spoken. (Matthew 12:36)
If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he
deceives himself and his religion is worthless. (James 1:26)
Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were
called so that you may inherit a blessing. (1 Peter 3:9

Discussion question
6. Name one of the previous verses that will help you speak with love and respect. Why do you
think it will help you? How can you remind yourself of it?

Speak politely
A big part of speaking courteously is being polite. Love, according to the Bible, “is not rude” (1
Corinthians 13:5).
With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been
made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this
should not be. (James 3:9-10)
Certain words and phrases make a big difference. Although we teach them to our children, we often
neglect to say them ourselves. When we use these words, it is like oiling a squeaky hinge, mulching
a garden, or putting icing on a cake. Life goes on if we neglect these things, but not nearly so
pleasantly.
Make these words common in your conversations:
Please.
Thank you.
I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
I forgive you.

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 22


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

I love you.
I appreciate you.

Discussion question
7. How often do you use these words? How can you remind yourself to use them more
frequently?

Ideas to help you speak with respect and love


As you read the following points, evaluate yourself on a scale of 0 to 10 on each point.
• “0” means “I really need to work at this.”
• “10” means “I do very well at this.”
I minister to others as I talk. My score (0-10): ____
I seek mutual resolutions, not personal victories. My score (0-10): ____
I don’t take criticism or suggestions personally. My score (0-10): ____
I forgive others. My score (0-10): ____
I control my anger. My score (0-10): ____
I share feelings and opinions without attacking. My score (0-10): ____
I make my point fairly quickly. My score (0-10): ____
I speak quietly. My score (0-10): ____
I use respectable language. My score (0-10): ____
I say, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” My score (0-10): ____
I stay calm. My score (0-10): ____
I exercise self-control when I speak. My score (0-10): ____
I realize that people remember things differently. My score (0-10): ____
I allow others to have different opinions. My score (0-10): ____

Discussion questions
8. Name two of the previous ideas to help you speak with love and respect with low scores.
Explain why you gave yourself low scores.
9. Are you willing to work on raising the scores in these two areas? Why or why not? If you
said “yes,” how will you remind yourself when you are talking with someone?

Memory verse
The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life. (Proverbs 10:11)

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 23


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

Notes

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 24


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

Homework – Day Three

1. What does this lesson suggest should be your goal when you talk with someone?

2. Do you agree with this goal? Why or why not?

3. If you agree with this goal, write a prayer asking God to help you put it into practice:

4. There are six short phrases listed in the section titled “Speak politely.” Choose one that you will
try to say more often. Explain why you chose this phrase:

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 25


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

5. How easy is it for you to let other people have different opinions when you feel strongly about
something?

a. Do you feel a need to argue until the other person changes his or her mind?

b. What are the results when you keep arguing?

c. Is it sometimes best to stop arguing and put the issue into Jesus’ hands? Why or why not?

6. Write out three verses in this lesson that speak to you personally.

a. The verse:

How it speaks to me:

b. The verse:

How it speaks to me:

c. The verse:

How it speaks to me:

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 26


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
Day Four: Be an Encourager

Have you ever known someone who believed in you,


someone who frequently spoke words of
encouragement? The kind of person who made you feel
you could do it, whatever “it” was?
That’s the kind of person God wants you to be—
someone who makes a point of building up others. Your
words matter.
Therefore encourage one another and build each
other up, just as in fact you are doing. (1
Thessalonians 5:11)
Paul gave us a great guideline when he wrote that
everything we say should build up the one who is
listening.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your
mouths, but only what is helpful for building others
up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)

Discussion question
1. Do you know someone who is an encourager? What is it like to be around him or her?

Think positively. Look for things to encourage.


Do you bring sunshine or gloom into the room? If you are a negative person, don’t say, “I’m just a
worrier. I was born that way.” Or, “It’s my nature to be depressed.” God is in the personality-
changing business. He wants you to “be conformed to the likeness of his Son” (Romans 8:29). You
can change. You can become known for your encouraging words.
Life is full of problems, and we need to deal with them. But if we aren’t careful, all we see are the
problems. There are lots of good things we can focus on. Instead of “catching people being bad,”
catch them being good. Make your words a fountain of life. Be a positive person. Encourage one
another.
Ask God to help you develop a positive thought life. Immerse yourself in his word. Pray. Over time,
you will discover that you can control the way you think, choosing to focus on some thoughts and to
reject others. The following verse can be life changing. Write it out and post it where you will see it
regularly—on your refrigerator, bathroom mirror or the dashboard of your car.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think
about such things. (Philippians 4:8)
When you wake up in the morning, ask God to help you look for and focus on the positive. Pray for
this attitude throughout the day. Choose to meditate on the positive.
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O
LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 27


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

Discussion questions
2. Read Philippians 4:8. What does this mean? Can we choose what we think about? Why or
why not?
3. How can you train yourself to look for and focus on the positive?

Speak positively. Encourage others daily.


When you talk, you make a series of choices about what subjects to discuss, what memories to
bring up, and what points to make. Sometimes it is appropriate and helpful to remind someone to
do something. And at times it can be helpful to challenge that person to get involved in an activity.
However, it’s usually much more effective to be an encourager.
Choose to specialize in encouraging words, not in critical comments.
But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be
hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. (Hebrews 3:13)

Discussion questions
4. Do you bring sunshine or gloom into the world? Do you focus on the positive or the
negative? Do you encourage or criticize?
5. Who are some important people in your life? How encouraging are you with them? What
can you say to encourage them? When will you say these encouraging words?

Monitor your positive and negative remarks.


Learn to be self-aware and listen to what you say. Be sure you make many more positive comments
than negative ones.

Respond to others’ problems with hope, comfort, and encouragement.


How do you respond when things go wrong for other people? For example, if someone was involved
in an automobile accident or is denied a promotion, would you give a speech about responsible
driving habits or make suggestions about how to get the promotion?
Or what would you say if a friend has an argument with a neighbor, breaks precious chinaware,
forgets the words when singing a solo, or breaks a leg? If you’re like many people, you would
respond with criticism or advice.
There may be times when it’s appropriate to offer suggestions. However, when someone tells you
bad news, what usually helps the most is quiet support—words of comfort, a look of sympathy, or a
hug.
Listen with compassion and avoid simplistic advice. Perhaps say nothing. Or perhaps say
something such as, “I know this is a tough time for you, but let me encourage you that I love you
and I’m here to help any way I can.”
The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life. (Proverbs 10:11)
The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
(Proverbs 15:4)
[God] comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the
comfort we ourselves have received from God. (2 Corinthians 1:4)

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 28


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

Discussion questions
6. Describe a difficult time you went through. Did someone try to encourage you as you went
through it? Was that helpful? Why or why not?
7. How do you normally respond when people go through a difficult time?
8. Why is it usually better to offer comfort instead of advice?

Encourage people in their Christian walk.


Tell people how their Christian example has blessed and encouraged you. When friends seem
discouraged in their Christian walk, look for ways to encourage them.
Judas and Silas, who themselves were prophets, said much to encourage and strengthen the
brothers. (Acts 15:32)
We sent Timothy, who is our brother and God’s fellow worker in spreading the gospel of
Christ, to strengthen and encourage you in your faith. (1 Thessalonians 3:2)
Therefore encourage each other with these words. (1 Thessalonians 4:18)
Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage
one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. (Hebrews 10:25)
There are many ways you could encourage people in their Christian walk. For example:
• Call, email, or text to tell others how they have blessed you.
• Invite a pastor or teacher from your church to dinner. Let him or her know your
appreciation.
• Get together with a friend you admire. Tell this person what you respect about him or her.
• Tell people at church, “I appreciate you.”
Discussion question
9. Name one person you will encourage in his or her Christian walk. What will you say to this
person? When will you say it?

Help others recognize and use their gifts and talents.


Many think that when God gave out talents, he passed them by. They cannot identify, much less
develop, the gifts God gave them. They waste their potential. Your encouragement and praise can
help them realize they have something worth developing.

Discussion questions
10. Think about someone. What are his or her abilities, talents, and gifts?
11. What are practical ways you can help someone develop and use his or her gifts?

Memory verse
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (1
Thessalonians 5:11)

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 29


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

Want to learn more?


Free online Bible study
Encourage One Another. Say Encouraging Words Daily
www.dougbrittonbooks.com/resources/encourage-others

Marriage book by Doug Britton


Encouraging Your Spouse
www.dougbrittonbooks.com/bookstore/encourage

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 30


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

Homework – Day Four

1. How does it make you feel when someone encourages you?

2. Write a prayer asking God to help you focus on positive things about other people, not negative
things:

3. Are you an encourager? Why or why not? How often do you encourage other people?

4. Write a prayer asking God to help you become an encourager with other people:

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 31


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

5. When people have problems, what is the best way to help them?

6. Name three people you will encourage in the next two days.

a. Person’s name:

What you will say to encourage him or her:

b. Person’s name:

What you will say to encourage him or her:

c. Person’s name:

What you will say to encourage him or her:

7. Who is someone who has encouraged you? What did he or she say? If you have not thanked this
person for encouraging you, write a plan to thank him or her:

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 32


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

Day Five: Review and Test (may be removed by leader)

Note to teachers and small group leaders


These questions can be used in day five as a review and/or test. Remove this page if you do not
want group members to see the questions ahead of time.

True or false (circle one)


T F 1. Jesus said it’s okay to hate your enemy.
T F 2. Jesus said you must pray for your enemy.
T F 3. Jesus said you must do whatever your enemy says.
T F 4. Loving others as-is means not being aware of their faults.
T F 5. Loving others as-is means never confronting anyone.
T F 6. Listening to understand is not very important.
T F 7. The way you talk is usually more important than whether you are right or wrong.
T F 8. God wants our words to be things of beauty.
T F 9. We should not encourage other people or they will never grow close to Jesus.
T F 10. The best thing we can do when someone has been wounded is to give advice.

Short questions
1. What is the difference between listening casually and listening to deeply understand? Why is it
important to listen to deeply understand?

2. Why should we “bear with” other people?

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 33


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

3. Why is it important to focus on how we talk, not just whether we are right or wrong?

4. What are some ways we can encourage others as we go through the day?

5. Write out one thing that spoke to you the most in this study, then write a prayer asking God to
help you in this area:

Memory verses
1. Proverbs 10:19

2. Proverbs 10:11

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 34


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
The Owner’s Manual to the New You Book 25: Keys to Healthy Relationships

Day Five: Answer Key to Test (may be removed by leader)

Note to teachers and small group leaders


Remove this page if you do not want group members to see these answers ahead of time.

True or false
F 1. Jesus said it’s okay to hate your enemy.
T 2. Jesus said you must pray for your enemy.
F 3. Jesus said you must do whatever your enemy says.
F 4. Loving others as-is means not being aware of their faults.
F 5. Loving others as-is means never confronting anyone.
F 6. Listening to understand is not very important.
T 7. The way you talk is usually more important than whether you are right or wrong.
T 8. God wants our words to be things of beauty.
F 9. We should not encourage other people or they will never grow close to Jesus.
F 10. The best thing we can do when someone has been wounded is to give advice.

Memory verses
1. Proverbs 10:19
When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

2. Proverbs 10:11
The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life.

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 35


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 36
Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
About the Author

Doug Britton, Bible-based Marriage and Family Therapist, has helped hundreds of thousands of
people as a therapist, clinical director of a treatment center, seminar speaker, radio co-host, and
author of over twenty books that show people how to apply God’s truths in
their daily lives.
He has also trained pastors, counselors, mentors, and lay leaders in
biblical counseling, mentoring, and small group leadership.
Doug and his wife Skeeter live in Northern California.

Books
Doug has written Bible-based books on many daily-living topics. Visit
www.dougbrittonbooks.com/bookstore.

Free online Bible studies for daily living


Read and download Doug’s free online studies on marriage, parenting, anger, self-concept, anxiety,
depression, temptation, fear of death, biblical counseling, mentoring, small group leadership, and
other topics. Visit www.dougbrittonbooks.com/resources.

Seminars and retreats


Doug is the founder and president of LifeTree Institute and LifeTree Books. If you would like him
or another member of the LifeTree team to speak in your church on any of the above topics, please
visit www.dougbrittonbooks.com and click on the “Seminars” link.

We would love to hear from you


Was this book helpful? Do you have suggestions to make it better?
Tell us your thoughts by emailing [email protected]
(Be sure to mention the name of this book and what country you live in.)

Doug Britton, MFT • www.dougbrittonbooks.com / Page 37


Copyright © 2020 Doug Britton. Permission granted to copy for personal use if not modified.
More Books by Doug Britton

In addition to “The Owner’s Manual to the New You,” Doug Britton has written many more cross-cultural,
Bible-based books on leadership, discipleship, and key areas of daily living.

Growing in Christ Marriage by the Book


Getting Started, Getting Connected Laying a Solid Foundation
First Things First Making Christ the Cornerstone
Living by Grace Encouraging Your Spouse
Extending Grace to Your Mate
Living Free Talking with Respect and Love
Breaking Free (from Drugs and Alcohol) Improving Your Teamwork
Conquering Depression Putting Money in its Place
Defeating Temptation Celebrating Intimacy and Romance
Healing Life’s Hurts
Overcoming Jealousy and Insecurity Successful Christian Parenting
Six Keys to Personal Growth Parenting Foundations
Six Keys to Successful Relationships Preparing Your Child for Life
Strengthening Your Marriage
Victory over Grumpiness, Irritation, & Anger Christian Leadership
Who Do You Think You Are? How to Lead a Christ-Centered Small Group

To see the current list of books, visit www.dougbrittonbooks.com/bookstore.

Spread the Word

Sign up for Doug Britton’s email newsletter to learn about his new books. online Bible studies, and
upcoming seminars and retreats. Sign up at www.dougbrittonbooks.com/newsletter.
Do you have a website or social media page? Give visitors access to free practical, Bible-based
resources by linking to www.dougbrittonbooks.com.

You might also like