Tom25 Keys To Healthy Relationships
Tom25 Keys To Healthy Relationships
For
Individuals
Small Groups
Churches
Foreword 7
When I was first asked to write a series of downloadable books for intensive discipleship training, I
was excited. Jesus has revolutionized my life, and I am glad to share his truths with you.
The pages you are about to study come straight from God’s word. They contain truth that puts our
feet on the path to the fullest life possible—truth that sets us free.
As Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the
truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:31-32).
May God speak to your heart as you read, and may he bring his truth alive in your life.
P.S. LifeTree Books is offering this downloadable book and all the other books in “The Owner’s
Manual to the New You” series free of charge. If you find these books helpful, please feel free to
spread the news to churches, ministries, and individuals who might benefit from them.
Small Group Leader’s Guidelines
Introduction. These studies are for new believers as well as mature Christians. They are
for small groups, discipleship classes, mentors, and individuals. They are ideal for studies
lasting from sixty to ninety minutes.
Choose the key points, verses, and discussion questions you will talk about. Don’t
think you need to cover every verse and question. With new believers, go over the main
points, key verses, and selected questions. Go into more depth with mature Christians.
Begin and end each study with prayer. Start by asking God to help each person grow
from the study. At the end, ask everyone to pray for help to put God’s truth into practice.
Review homework. Before starting the current lesson, ask group members to discuss
their answers to some of the previous day’s homework questions.
Personalize the lesson. Although it’s okay to read each lesson word-for-word, the
material will “come alive” if you discuss some of the key points in your own words. Share
your own experiences and struggles, and how God has helped you.
As you read, identify important points and key parts of verses. Ask group
members to circle them, and then explain why you want to emphasize these points.
Get everyone involved. The more people are actively involved, the more they are
impacted by what you are studying. Don’t ask questions that can be answered by “yes” or
“no.” For example, don’t ask, “Do you have any thoughts about this?” Instead, ask, “How
does this insight speak to you?”
Consider breaking up into smaller groups to discuss the questions if you are
leading a large group or class.
Use day five for a review and test. Use the questions in day five as a review and/or
test. Remove these pages if you do not want group members to see the questions ahead of
time.
Discussion questions
1. Do you think Jesus really wants us to love our enemies and pray for people who persecute
us? If so, do you find this easy to do? Why or why not?
2. Why did Jesus imply that we will get a greater reward for loving our enemies than for loving
people who love us?
disappointed from time to time. Likewise in life, expect some rainy days, with an outside chance of
a hurricane.
When you realize that disappointments are inevitable, you are less likely to respond with an
indignant, “I can’t believe you did that!” Or, “How could you be so rude?” Or, “If that’s the way you
feel, I’m not speaking to you.”
Instead, you expect others to sometimes say or do things that hurt you.
A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense. (Proverbs 19:11)
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)
Discussion questions
3. How do you usually respond when you are disappointed with others?
4. How will expecting to be disappointed from time to time help you respond differently?
Discussion questions
5. What does the Bible mean by “bear with each other” (Colossians 3:13)?
6. Describe a situation in which God helped you bear with someone.
7. Describe a situation in which you would like someone to bear with you.
Discussion question
8. How can the knowledge that you are imperfect help you be patient with other people’s
shortcomings?
Discussion questions
9. Do you think you sometimes get in God’s way because you correct others a lot? If so, how do
you think your responses get in God’s way?
10. What would be a better way to respond to others’ faults?
Forgive others
If you hold on to a bitter, angry, or resentful attitude, you are grieving God. His word repeatedly
commands forgiveness.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you.
(Ephesians 4:32)
Discussion questions
11. Do you easily forgive others? When is it hard for you to forgive?
12. What are times it is easy for you to forgive?
13. Read Matthew 6:14-15, 1 Corinthians 13:5, and Colossians 3:13. What is the key message in
these passages? How will this message help you forgive?
Memory verse
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)
1. Should we love our friends and hate our enemies? Why or why not?
2. What types of people are most difficult for you to love? Why do you think that is true?
3. Does God want you to love these people? How can you develop the right attitude toward them?
4. Does loving someone mean you think everything they are doing is okay?
6. If you see someone doing something wrong, is gentle confrontation sometimes appropriate?
Why or why not?
7. If you see someone doing something wrong, should you always try to correct him or her? Why
or why not?
8. Do you agree that remembering you are imperfect can help you “bear with” other people’s
faults? Why or why not?
Discussion question
1. Do you need to become a better listener? Explain your answer. (If you answered “yes,” in
what ways have you been a poor listener?)
Discussion question
2. Has anyone ever listened to you in such a way that it seemed he or she deeply understood
what you were saying? If so, what did that feel like? How can you listen to people in the
same way?
Discussion questions
3. Do you and someone else speak in “different languages”? If so, how would you describe that
person’s language? How would you describe your language?
4. What changes could you make in the way you listen to better understand his or her
language?
Discussion questions
5. Describe a time you misinterpreted what someone said. Why do you think you
misinterpreted?
6. What steps can you take to make it less likely you will misinterpret other people’s words?
Discussion questions
7. Have you ever noticed that someone’s words did not seem to match his or her emotions? If
so, describe that situation.
8. How can you become more aware of how people are really feeling?
Although it may be understandable to feel this way, ask God to help you look at the situation
through his eyes. Remind yourself that:
• Words said in anger do not tell the whole story.
• People change.
• God calls you to forgive. Read Colossians 3:13.
Discussion questions
9. Choose two of the previous ideas that will help you make it easier for others to talk and help
you listen more clearly. Explain why you chose them and how you think they will help.
10. How will you remind yourself to put these ideas into practice?
Discussion question
11. Who could you ask if you are a good listener? Make a plan to ask him or her. Be sure to
listen carefully to his or her words. Don’t argue.
Memory verse
When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. (Proverbs 10:19)
4. Have you ever noticed you and someone you were talking with had “different languages”? How
did this affect your conversation? Were you able to overcome it?
5. Describe one time you misinterpreted someone or someone misinterpreted you. Did this cause
problems? Were you able to resolve these problems? If so, how?
6. What are some ways you can make it easy for people to talk?
8. Ask someone you know if you are a good listener. Ask for examples of times you listened or
didn’t listen. Write what this person tells you here:
Discussion questions
1. Are your words things of beauty, “like apples of gold”?
2. Read Proverbs 18:21. What does this proverb mean?
The way you talk is usually more important than whether you are right or
wrong
The key to life-giving conversations is to determine that you personally will talk in a loving, godly
manner regardless of how other people talk. The way you talk is usually more important than
whether you are right or wrong, whether others listen to you, or whether you get your way. In other
words, the process usually is more important than the result.
This concept is foreign to most of us. We would rather focus on who is right or wrong than examine
how we talk. It is as if we were in a court of law, interested only in winning our case. We may be
relatively unconcerned about our bitterness, sarcasm, or anger. After all, we think, wisdom is on
our side. But look at what the Bible says about wisdom.
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate,
submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. (James 3:17)
Is it wrong to seek a solution when discussing a problem? No. But make this your secondary goal.
Your main goal is to talk courteously. You may not “win” an argument, but you can walk away a
winner in Christ because you loved other people and talked courteously. As Paul wrote:
We know that we all possess knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. (1
Corinthians 8:1)
Discussion questions
3. Read 1 Corinthians 8:1. What does this verse mean?
4. Do you agree that the way you talk is usually more important than whether you are right or
wrong? Why or why not?
5. Are you willing to try to speak courteously, no matter what? Explain your answer.
Discussion question
6. Name one of the previous verses that will help you speak with love and respect. Why do you
think it will help you? How can you remind yourself of it?
Speak politely
A big part of speaking courteously is being polite. Love, according to the Bible, “is not rude” (1
Corinthians 13:5).
With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been
made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this
should not be. (James 3:9-10)
Certain words and phrases make a big difference. Although we teach them to our children, we often
neglect to say them ourselves. When we use these words, it is like oiling a squeaky hinge, mulching
a garden, or putting icing on a cake. Life goes on if we neglect these things, but not nearly so
pleasantly.
Make these words common in your conversations:
Please.
Thank you.
I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
I forgive you.
I love you.
I appreciate you.
Discussion question
7. How often do you use these words? How can you remind yourself to use them more
frequently?
Discussion questions
8. Name two of the previous ideas to help you speak with love and respect with low scores.
Explain why you gave yourself low scores.
9. Are you willing to work on raising the scores in these two areas? Why or why not? If you
said “yes,” how will you remind yourself when you are talking with someone?
Memory verse
The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life. (Proverbs 10:11)
Notes
1. What does this lesson suggest should be your goal when you talk with someone?
3. If you agree with this goal, write a prayer asking God to help you put it into practice:
4. There are six short phrases listed in the section titled “Speak politely.” Choose one that you will
try to say more often. Explain why you chose this phrase:
5. How easy is it for you to let other people have different opinions when you feel strongly about
something?
a. Do you feel a need to argue until the other person changes his or her mind?
c. Is it sometimes best to stop arguing and put the issue into Jesus’ hands? Why or why not?
6. Write out three verses in this lesson that speak to you personally.
a. The verse:
b. The verse:
c. The verse:
Discussion question
1. Do you know someone who is an encourager? What is it like to be around him or her?
Discussion questions
2. Read Philippians 4:8. What does this mean? Can we choose what we think about? Why or
why not?
3. How can you train yourself to look for and focus on the positive?
Discussion questions
4. Do you bring sunshine or gloom into the world? Do you focus on the positive or the
negative? Do you encourage or criticize?
5. Who are some important people in your life? How encouraging are you with them? What
can you say to encourage them? When will you say these encouraging words?
Discussion questions
6. Describe a difficult time you went through. Did someone try to encourage you as you went
through it? Was that helpful? Why or why not?
7. How do you normally respond when people go through a difficult time?
8. Why is it usually better to offer comfort instead of advice?
Discussion questions
10. Think about someone. What are his or her abilities, talents, and gifts?
11. What are practical ways you can help someone develop and use his or her gifts?
Memory verse
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (1
Thessalonians 5:11)
2. Write a prayer asking God to help you focus on positive things about other people, not negative
things:
3. Are you an encourager? Why or why not? How often do you encourage other people?
4. Write a prayer asking God to help you become an encourager with other people:
5. When people have problems, what is the best way to help them?
6. Name three people you will encourage in the next two days.
a. Person’s name:
b. Person’s name:
c. Person’s name:
7. Who is someone who has encouraged you? What did he or she say? If you have not thanked this
person for encouraging you, write a plan to thank him or her:
Short questions
1. What is the difference between listening casually and listening to deeply understand? Why is it
important to listen to deeply understand?
3. Why is it important to focus on how we talk, not just whether we are right or wrong?
4. What are some ways we can encourage others as we go through the day?
5. Write out one thing that spoke to you the most in this study, then write a prayer asking God to
help you in this area:
Memory verses
1. Proverbs 10:19
2. Proverbs 10:11
True or false
F 1. Jesus said it’s okay to hate your enemy.
T 2. Jesus said you must pray for your enemy.
F 3. Jesus said you must do whatever your enemy says.
F 4. Loving others as-is means not being aware of their faults.
F 5. Loving others as-is means never confronting anyone.
F 6. Listening to understand is not very important.
T 7. The way you talk is usually more important than whether you are right or wrong.
T 8. God wants our words to be things of beauty.
F 9. We should not encourage other people or they will never grow close to Jesus.
F 10. The best thing we can do when someone has been wounded is to give advice.
Memory verses
1. Proverbs 10:19
When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.
2. Proverbs 10:11
The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life.
Doug Britton, Bible-based Marriage and Family Therapist, has helped hundreds of thousands of
people as a therapist, clinical director of a treatment center, seminar speaker, radio co-host, and
author of over twenty books that show people how to apply God’s truths in
their daily lives.
He has also trained pastors, counselors, mentors, and lay leaders in
biblical counseling, mentoring, and small group leadership.
Doug and his wife Skeeter live in Northern California.
Books
Doug has written Bible-based books on many daily-living topics. Visit
www.dougbrittonbooks.com/bookstore.
In addition to “The Owner’s Manual to the New You,” Doug Britton has written many more cross-cultural,
Bible-based books on leadership, discipleship, and key areas of daily living.
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