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Friendships

The document explores the nature of friendship, referencing C.S. Lewis and Aristotle's three levels: utility, pleasure, and the pursuit of the good. It emphasizes the rarity and depth of true friendships that seek the betterment of one's soul, contrasting them with more superficial relationships. The author encourages readers to reflect on their own friendships and consider their role as a friend to others.

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4 views

Friendships

The document explores the nature of friendship, referencing C.S. Lewis and Aristotle's three levels: utility, pleasure, and the pursuit of the good. It emphasizes the rarity and depth of true friendships that seek the betterment of one's soul, contrasting them with more superficial relationships. The author encourages readers to reflect on their own friendships and consider their role as a friend to others.

Uploaded by

Pius
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as DOCX, PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
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C.S. Lewis once wrote, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What!

You
too? I thought I was the only one.’”

Friendship is a curious thing. I think Lewis is on to something here. There is an exclusivity in friendship.
You cannot be friends with everyone. Friendship is a mini-subculture. I like something weird and when I
discover that you’re weird in the same way, a bond is created.

But there is something more to friendship. Aristotle, in his Nichomachean Ethics, says that there are
three levels to friendship:

1. Friendship of utility or usefulness (the lowest kind)

2. Friendship of pleasure

3. Friendship that pursues the Good (the highest kind)

1. Friendship of Usefulness

The first kind is friendship on account of what the other person can help me do. This isn’t bad, but it’s
not the highest. I’m friendly with the security guard at my office. He opens the door for me, protects me,
and chases off solicitors. I like him. He likes me. We get along. But I’m not going to pay for his children to
go to college. There’s a limit to our friendship.

Maybe you have a friendly plumber or jeweler and he gives you a “friends” discount. No shame in that.
But recognize it for what it is. It’s a friendship of utility.

2. Friendship of Pleasure

This second kind of friendship is deeper, but not complete.

I meet people all the time. Yet sometimes you meet someone and you seem like instant friends. If the
person I meet has done cave exploring in Belize, writes a blog, hunts, fishes, attends the Latin Mass, has
a peanut allergy, reads Cornelius a Lapide, and can name Star Trek episodes by name, I just plain like
that guy! We have fun together.

At root, I like this guy because he is a reflection of me. We have fun conversations and we ‘get’ each
other. Conversely, sometimes we like others because they are not like us. Perhaps they inspire us
because they already are what we want to be.

90% of our friendships are friendships of pleasure. We enjoy being with that other person. He or she is
fun or stimulates your mind.

3. Friendship for the Good

Aristotle speaks of the highest form of friendship that longs for the betterment of your soul. This friend
wants your soul to become more good and beautiful. These are usually multi-decade friendships. They
are very rare.

Aristotle did not know about Christ or the beatific vision, but this kind of friendship through a Christian
lens is the kind that will sacrifice for you. What Christians call “agape love.” This is the friend that wants
you to get to Heaven more than he wants to have a good time.

When I was a boy, my father told me that I would likely have only five true friends in my entire life and
two of them would be my parents. Now that I’m older, I would add my wife to that number. This sort of
friend is all in for you. He want to the best for you. He will sacrifice a kidney for you. He will spend
money to assist you. He will sacrifice time and energy for your betterment. He will tell you things that
you don’t want to hear but need to hear.

Action Item

Here’s an action item. It’s a clarifying task. Get out a sheet of paper right now.

Write down one example of each kind of friend in your life. Write down their names. They don’t need to
be living. They may have died.

Next, ask yourself, am I a “Class A” friend to anyone? Would anyone in the world see me as the top level
friend? If you don’t like the answer, ask yourself: “How can change this?”

Personally, I think it’s helpful to understand the levels of friendship.

Question for comments: How are these categories of friendship flipped around and used for evil? For
example, some people pretend to be deep friends seeking the good, but they only want to use you.

People with a chronic record of pretending to serve the good only to use other people for their own
needs are called “sociopaths.” Stay away from them. Have you met people that confuse the hierarchy of
friendship to either hurt or use others?

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