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 CONTENTS vii

CHAPTER 11
Special Matrices and Gauss-Seidel 300
11.1 Special Matrices 300
11.2 Gauss-Seidel 304
11.3 Linear Algebraic Equations with Software Packages 311
Problems 316

CHAPTER 12
Case Studies: Linear Algebraic Equations 319
12.1 Steady-State Analysis of a System of Reactors (Chemical/Bio Engineering) 319
12.2 Analysis of a Statically Determinate Truss (Civil/Environmental Engineering) 322
12.3 Currents and Voltages in Resistor Circuits (Electrical Engineering) 326
12.4 Spring-Mass Systems (Mechanical/Aerospace Engineering) 328
Problems 331

EPILOGUE: PART THREE 341

PT3.4 Trade-Offs 341
PT3.5 Important Relationships and Formulas 342
PT3.6 Advanced Methods and Additional References 342

PART FOUR
OPTIMIZATION 345 PT4.1 Motivation 345
PT4.2 Mathematical Background 350
PT4.3 Orientation 351

CHAPTER 13
One-Dimensional Unconstrained Optimization 355
13.1 Golden-Section Search 356
13.2 Parabolic Interpolation 363
13.3 Newton’s Method 365
13.4 Brent’s Method 366
Problems 368

CHAPTER 14
Multidimensional Unconstrained Optimization 370
14.1 Direct Methods 371
14.2 Gradient Methods 375
Problems 388
viii CONTENTS

CHAPTER 15
Constrained Optimization 390
15.1 Linear Programming 390
15.2 Nonlinear Constrained Optimization 401
15.3 Optimization with Software Packages 402
Problems 413

CHAPTER 16
Case Studies: Optimization 416
16.1 Least-Cost Design of a Tank (Chemical/Bio Engineering) 416
16.2 Least-Cost Treatment of Wastewater (Civil/Environmental Engineering) 421
16.3 Maximum Power Transfer for a Circuit (Electrical Engineering) 425
16.4 Equilibrium and Minimum Potential Energy (Mechanical/Aerospace Engineering) 429
Problems 431

EPILOGUE: PART FOUR 438

PT4.4 Trade-Offs 438
PT4.5 Additional References 439

PART FIVE
CURVE FITTING 441 PT5.1 Motivation 441
PT5.2 Mathematical Background 443
PT5.3 Orientation 452

CHAPTER 17
Least-Squares Regression 456
17.1 Linear Regression 456
17.2 Polynomial Regression 472
17.3 Multiple Linear Regression 476
17.4 General Linear Least Squares 479
17.5 Nonlinear Regression 483
Problems 487

CHAPTER 18
Interpolation 490
18.1 Newton’s Divided-Difference Interpolating Polynomials 491
18.2 Lagrange Interpolating Polynomials 502
18.3 Coefficients of an Interpolating Polynomial 507
18.4 Inverse Interpolation 507
18.5 Additional Comments 508
18.6 Spline Interpolation 511
18.7 Multidimensional Interpolation 521
Problems 524
 CONTENTS ix

CHAPTER 19
Fourier Approximation 526
19.1 Curve Fitting with Sinusoidal Functions 527
19.2 Continuous Fourier Series 533
19.3 Frequency and Time Domains 536
19.4 Fourier Integral and Transform 540
19.5 Discrete Fourier Transform (DFT) 542
19.6 Fast Fourier Transform (FFT) 544
19.7 The Power Spectrum 551
19.8 Curve Fitting with Software Packages 552
Problems 561

CHAPTER 20
Case Studies: Curve Fitting 563
20.1 Linear Regression and Population Models (Chemical/Bio Engineering) 563
20.2 Use of Splines to Estimate Heat Transfer (Civil/Environmental Engineering) 567
20.3 Fourier Analysis (Electrical Engineering) 569
20.4 Analysis of Experimental Data (Mechanical/Aerospace Engineering) 570
Problems 572

EPILOGUE: PART FIVE 582

PT5.4 Trade-Offs 582
PT5.5 Important Relationships and Formulas 583
PT5.6 Advanced Methods and Additional References 584

PART SIX
NUMERICAL PT6.1 Motivation 587
DIFFERENTIATION PT6.2 Mathematical Background 597
AND PT6.3 Orientation 599
INTEGRATION 587

CHAPTER 21
Newton-Cotes Integration Formulas 603
21.1 The Trapezoidal Rule 605
21.2 Simpson’s Rules 615
21.3 Integration with Unequal Segments 624
21.4 Open Integration Formulas 627
21.5 Multiple Integrals 627
Problems 629
x CONTENTS

CHAPTER 22
Integration of Equations 633
22.1 Newton-Cotes Algorithms for Equations 633
22.2 Romberg Integration 634
22.3 Adaptive Quadrature 640
22.4 Gauss Quadrature 642
22.5 Improper Integrals 650
Problems 653

CHAPTER 23
Numerical Differentiation 655
23.1 High-Accuracy Differentiation Formulas 655
23.2 Richardson Extrapolation 658
23.3 Derivatives of Unequally Spaced Data 660
23.4 Derivatives and Integrals for Data with Errors 661
23.5 Partial Derivatives 662
23.6 Numerical Integration/Differentiation with Software Packages 663
Problems 670

CHAPTER 24
Case Studies: Numerical Integration and Differentiation 673
24.1 Integration to Determine the Total Quantity of Heat (Chemical/Bio
Engineering) 673
24.2 Effective Force on the Mast of a Racing Sailboat (Civil/Environmental
Engineering) 675
24.3 Root-Mean-Square Current by Numerical Integration (Electrical
Engineering) 677
24.4 Numerical Integration to Compute Work (Mechanical/Aerospace
Engineering) 680
Problems 684

EPILOGUE: PART SIX 694

PT6.4 Trade-Offs 694
PT6.5 Important Relationships and Formulas 695
PT6.6 Advanced Methods and Additional References 695

PART SEVEN
ORDINARY PT7.1 Motivation 699
DIFFERENTIAL PT7.2 Mathematical Background 703
EQUATIONS 699 PT7.3 Orientation 705
 CONTENTS xi

CHAPTER 25
Runge-Kutta Methods 709
25.1 Euler’s Method 710
25.2 Improvements of Euler’s Method 721
25.3 Runge-Kutta Methods 729
25.4 Systems of Equations 739
25.5 Adaptive Runge-Kutta Methods 744
Problems 752

CHAPTER 26
Stiffness and Multistep Methods 755
26.1 Stiffness 755
26.2 Multistep Methods 759
Problems 779

CHAPTER 27
Boundary-Value and Eigenvalue Problems 781
27.1 General Methods for Boundary-Value Problems 782
27.2 Eigenvalue Problems 789
27.3 Odes and Eigenvalues with Software Packages 801
Problems 808

CHAPTER 28
Case Studies: Ordinary Differential Equations 811
28.1 Using ODEs to Analyze the Transient Response of a Reactor (Chemical/Bio
Engineering) 811
28.2 Predator-Prey Models and Chaos (Civil/Environmental Engineering) 818
28.3 Simulating Transient Current for an Electric Circuit (Electrical Engineering) 822
28.4 The Swinging Pendulum (Mechanical/Aerospace Engineering) 827
Problems 831

EPILOGUE: PART SEVEN 841

PT7.4 Trade-Offs 841
PT7.5 Important Relationships and Formulas 842
PT7.6 Advanced Methods and Additional References 842

PART EIGHT
PARTIAL PT8.1 Motivation 845
DIFFERENTIAL PT8.2 Orientation 848
EQUATIONS 845
xii CONTENTS

CHAPTER 29
Finite Difference: Elliptic Equations 852
29.1 The Laplace Equation 852
29.2 Solution Technique 854
29.3 Boundary Conditions 860
29.4 The Control-Volume Approach 866
29.5 Software to Solve Elliptic Equations 869
Problems 870

CHAPTER 30
Finite Difference: Parabolic Equations 873
30.1 The Heat-Conduction Equation 873
30.2 Explicit Methods 874
30.3 A Simple Implicit Method 878
30.4 The Crank-Nicolson Method 882
30.5 Parabolic Equations in Two Spatial Dimensions 885
Problems 888

CHAPTER 31
Finite-Element Method 890
31.1 The General Approach 891
31.2 Finite-Element Application in One Dimension 895
31.3 Two-Dimensional Problems 904
31.4 Solving PDEs with Software Packages 908
Problems 912

CHAPTER 32
Case Studies: Partial Differential Equations 915
32.1 One-Dimensional Mass Balance of a Reactor (Chemical/Bio
Engineering) 915
32.2 Deflections of a Plate (Civil/Environmental Engineering) 919
32.3 Two-Dimensional Electrostatic Field Problems (Electrical
Engineering) 921
32.4 Finite-Element Solution of a Series of Springs
(Mechanical/Aerospace Engineering) 924
Problems 928

EPILOGUE: PART EIGHT 931

PT8.3 Trade-Offs 931
PT8.4 Important Relationships and Formulas 931
PT8.5 Advanced Methods and Additional References 932
CONTENTS xiii

APPENDIX A: THE FOURIER SERIES 933

APPENDIX B: GETTING STARTED WITH MATLAB 935

APPENDIX C: GETTING STARTED WITH MATHCAD 943

BIBLIOGRAPHY 954

INDEX 957
 PREFACE

It has been over twenty years since we published the first edition of this book. Over that
period, our original contention that numerical methods and computers would figure more
prominently in the engineering curriculum—particularly in the early parts—has been dra-
matically borne out. Many universities now offer freshman, sophomore, and junior courses in
both introductory computing and numerical methods. In addition, many of our colleagues are
integrating computer-oriented problems into other courses at all levels of the curriculum. Thus,
this new edition is still founded on the basic premise that student engineers should be provided
with a strong and early introduction to numerical methods. Consequently, although we have
expanded our coverage in the new edition, we have tried to maintain many of the features that
made the first edition accessible to both lower- and upper-level undergraduates. These include:
• Problem Orientation. Engineering students learn best when they are motivated by
problems. This is particularly true for mathematics and computing. Consequently, we
have approached numerical methods from a problem-solving perspective.
• Student-Oriented Pedagogy. We have developed a number of features to make this
book as student-friendly as possible. These include the overall organization, the use
of introductions and epilogues to consolidate major topics and the extensive use of
worked examples and case studies from all areas of engineering. We have also en-
deavored to keep our explanations straightforward and oriented practically.
• Computational Tools. We empower our students by helping them utilize the standard
“point-and-shoot” numerical problem-solving capabilities of packages like Excel,
MATLAB, and Mathcad software. However, students are also shown how to develop
simple, well-structured programs to extend the base capabilities of those environ-
ments. This knowledge carries over to standard programming languages such as Visual
Basic, Fortran 90, and C/C11. We believe that the current flight from computer
programming represents something of a “dumbing down” of the engineering curricu-
lum. The bottom line is that as long as engineers are not content to be tool limited,
they will have to write code. Only now they may be called “macros” or “M-files.”
This book is designed to empower them to do that.
Beyond these five original principles, the seventh edition has new and expanded problem
sets. Most of the problems have been modified so that they yield different numerical solu-
tions from previous editions. In addition, a variety of new problems have been included.
The seventh edition also includes McGraw-Hill’s Connect® Engineering. This online
homework management tool allows assignment of algorithmic problems for homework,
quizzes, and tests. It connects students with the tools and resources they’ll need to achieve
success. To learn more, visit www.mcgrawhillconnect.com.
McGraw-Hill LearnSmart™ is also available as an integrated feature of McGraw-Hill
Connect® Engineering. It is an adaptive learning system designed to help students learn faster,
study more efficiently, and retain more knowledge for greater success. LearnSmart assesses
xiv
PREFACE xv

a student’s knowledge of course content through a series of adaptive questions. It pinpoints

concepts the student does not understand and maps out a personalized study plan for success.
Visit the following site for a demonstration. www.mhlearnsmart.com
As always, our primary intent in writing this book is to provide students with a sound
introduction to numerical methods. We believe that motivated students who enjoy numeri-
cal methods, computers, and mathematics will, in the end, make better engineers. If our
book fosters an enthusiasm for these subjects, we will consider our efforts a success.

Acknowledgments. We would like to thank our friends at McGraw-Hill. In particular,

Lorraine Buczek and Bill Stenquist, who provided a positive and supportive atmosphere for
creating this edition. As usual, Beatrice Sussman did a masterful job of copyediting the man-
uscript and Arpana Kumari of Aptara also did an outstanding job in the book’s final production
phase. As in past editions, David Clough (University of Colorado), Mike Gustafson (Duke),
and Jerry Stedinger (Cornell University) generously shared their insights and suggestions. Use-
ful suggestions were also made by Bill Philpot (Cornell University), Jim Guilkey (University
of Utah), Dong-Il Seo (Chungnam National University, Korea), Niall Broekhuizen (NIWA,
New Zealand), and Raymundo Cordero and Karim Muci (ITESM, Mexico). The present edition
has also benefited from the reviews and suggestions by the following colleagues:
Betty Barr, University of Houston
Jalal Behzadi, Shahid Chamran University
Jordan Berg, Texas Tech University
Jacob Bishop, Utah State University
Estelle M. Eke, California State University, Sacramento
Yazan A. Hussain, Jordan University of Science & Technology
Yogesh Jaluria, Rutgers University
S. Graham Kelly, The University of Akron
Subha Kumpaty, Milwaukee School of Engineering
Eckart Meiburg, University of California-Santa Barbara
Prashant Mhaskar, McMaster University
Luke Olson, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
Richard Pates Jr., Old Dominion University
Joseph H. Pierluissi, University of Texas at El Paso
Juan Perán, Universidad Nacional de Educación a Distancia (UNED)
Scott A. Socolofsky, Texas A&M University
It should be stressed that although we received useful advice from the aforementioned
individuals, we are responsible for any inaccuracies or mistakes you may detect in this edi-
tion. Please contact Steve Chapra via e-mail if you should detect any errors in this edition.
Finally, we would like to thank our family, friends, and students for their enduring
patience and support. In particular, Cynthia Chapra, Danielle Husley, and Claire Canale
are always there providing understanding, perspective, and love.
Steven C. Chapra
Medford, Massachusetts
[email protected]
Raymond P. Canale
Lake Leelanau, Michigan
 ABOUT THE AUTHORS

Steve Chapra teaches in the Civil and Environmental Engineering Department at Tufts
University where he holds the Louis Berger Chair in Computing and Engineering. His
other books include Surface Water-Quality Modeling and Applied Numerical Methods
with MATLAB.
Dr. Chapra received engineering degrees from Manhattan College and the University
of Michigan. Before joining the faculty at Tufts, he worked for the Environmental Pro-
tection Agency and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and taught at
Texas A&M University and the University of Colorado. His general research interests
focus on surface water-quality modeling and advanced computer applications in environ-
mental engineering.
He is a Fellow of the ASCE, and has received a number of awards for his scholarly
contributions, including the Rudolph Hering Medal (ASCE), and the Meriam-Wiley
Distinguished Author Award (American Society for Engineering Education). He has also
been recognized as the outstanding teacher among the engineering faculties at Texas
A&M University, the University of Colorado, and Tufts University.
Raymond P. Canale is an emeritus professor at the University of Michigan. During
his over 20-year career at the university, he taught numerous courses in the area of comput-
ers, numerical methods, and environmental engineering. He also directed extensive research
programs in the area of mathematical and computer modeling of aquatic ecosystems. He
has authored or coauthored several books and has published over 100 scientific papers and
reports. He has also designed and developed personal computer software to facilitate en-
gineering education and the solution of engineering problems. He has been given the
Meriam-Wiley Distinguished Author Award by the American Society for Engineering
Education for his books and software and several awards for his technical publications.
Professor Canale is now devoting his energies to applied problems, where he works
with engineering firms and industry and governmental agencies as a consultant and expert
witness.

xvi
Numerical Methods
for Engineers
PART ONE
 MODELING, COMPUTERS,
AND ERROR ANALYSIS

PT1.1 MOTIVATION
Numerical methods are techniques by which mathematical problems are formulated so
that they can be solved with arithmetic operations. Although there are many kinds of
numerical methods, they have one common characteristic: they invariably involve large
numbers of tedious arithmetic calculations. It is little wonder that with the development
of fast, efficient digital computers, the role of numerical methods in engineering problem
solving has increased dramatically in recent years.

PT1.1.1 Noncomputer Methods

Beyond providing increased computational firepower, the widespread availability of com-
puters (especially personal computers) and their partnership with numerical methods has
had a significant influence on the actual engineering problem-solving process. In the
precomputer era there were generally three different ways in which engineers approached
problem solving:
1. Solutions were derived for some problems using analytical, or exact, methods. These
solutions were often useful and provided excellent insight into the behavior of some
systems. However, analytical solutions can be derived for only a limited class of
problems. These include those that can be approximated with linear models and
those that have simple geometry and low dimensionality. Consequently, analytical
solutions are of limited practical value because most real problems are nonlinear and
involve complex shapes and processes.
2. Graphical solutions were used to characterize the behavior of systems. These
graphical solutions usually took the form of plots or nomographs. Although graphical
techniques can often be used to solve complex problems, the results are not very
precise. Furthermore, graphical solutions (without the aid of computers) are extremely
tedious and awkward to implement. Finally, graphical techniques are often limited
to problems that can be described using three or fewer dimensions.
3. Calculators and slide rules were used to implement numerical methods manually.
Although in theory such approaches should be perfectly adequate for solving complex
problems, in actuality several difficulties are encountered. Manual calculations are
slow and tedious. Furthermore, consistent results are elusive because of simple
blunders that arise when numerous manual tasks are performed.
During the precomputer era, significant amounts of energy were expended on the
solution technique itself, rather than on problem definition and interpretation (Fig. PT1.1a).
This unfortunate situation existed because so much time and drudgery were required to
obtain numerical answers using precomputer techniques.
3
4 MODELING, COMPUTERS, AND ERROR ANALYSIS

FORMULATION
FORMULATION
In-depth exposition
Fundamental
of relationship of
laws explained
problem to fundamental
briefly
laws

SOLUTION
SOLUTION
Elaborate and often
Easy-to-use
FIGURE PT1.1 complicated method to
computer
The three phases of engineering make problem tractable
method
problem solving in (a) the
precomputer and (b) the
computer era. The sizes of the
boxes indicate the level of
emphasis directed toward each INTERPRETATION INTERPRETATION
phase. Computers facilitate the
implementation of solution In-depth analysis Ease of calculation
limited by time- allows holistic thoughts
techniques and thus allow more
consuming solution and intuition to develop;
emphasis to be placed on the system sensitivity and behavior
creative aspects of problem can be studied
formulation and interpretation
of results. (a) (b)

Today, computers and numerical methods provide an alternative for such compli-
cated calculations. Using computer power to obtain solutions directly, you can approach
these calculations without recourse to simplifying assumptions or time-intensive tech-
niques. Although analytical solutions are still extremely valuable both for problem
solving and for providing insight, numerical methods represent alternatives that greatly
enlarge your capabilities to confront and solve problems. As a result, more time is
available for the use of your creative skills. Thus, more emphasis can be placed on
problem formulation and solution interpretation and the incorporation of total system,
or “holistic,” awareness (Fig. PT1.1b).

PT1.1.2 Numerical Methods and Engineering Practice

Since the late 1940s the widespread availability of digital computers has led to a veri-
table explosion in the use and development of numerical methods. At first, this growth
was somewhat limited by the cost of access to large mainframe computers, and, conse-
quently, many engineers continued to use simple analytical approaches in a significant
portion of their work. Needless to say, the recent evolution of inexpensive personal
Discovering Diverse Content Through
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TRIMMER’S EXERCISE,

FOR THE USE OF CHILDREN.

 ERE, come, Master Timothy Todd,
Before we have done you’ll look
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AN ADDRESS TO THE STEAM WASHING COMPANY.
“Archer. How many are there, Scrub?
Scrub. Five-and-forty, sir.”—Beaux Stratagem.
“For shame—let the linen alone!”—Merry Wives of Windsor.

R. SCRUB—Mr. Slop—or whoever you be!

The Cock of Steam Laundries,—the head
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FANCY PORTRAIT—MRS. TRIMMER.

PALMAM QUI MERUIT FERAT.
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Co-partners and dealers, in linen’s propriety—
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When she thinks of their poor little mouths to be fed,
And then thinks of her trade that is utterly dead,
And even its pearlashes laid in the grave—
Whilst her tub is a-dry-rotting, stave after stave,
And the greatest of Coopers, ev’n he that they dub
Sir Astley, can’t bind up her heart or her tub,—
Need you wonder she curses your bones, Mr. Scrub!
Need you wonder, when steam has deprived her of bread,
If she prays that the evil may visit your head—
Nay, scald all the heads of your Washing Committee,
If she wishes you all the soot blacks of the City—
In short, not to mention all plagues without number,
If she wishes you all in the Wash at the Humber!

Ah, perhaps, in some moment of drowth and despair,

When her linen got scarce, and her washing grew rare—
When the sum of her suds might be summ’d in a bowl,
And the rusty cold iron quite enter’d her soul—
When, perhaps, the last glance of her wandering eye
Had caught “the Cock Laundresses’ Coach” going by,
Or her lines that hung idle, to waste the fine weather,
And she thought of her wrongs and her rights both together,
In a lather of passion that froth’d as it rose,
Too angry for grammar, too lofty for prose,
On her sheet—if a sheet were still left her—to write,
Some remonstrance like this then, perchance, saw the light—
 LETTER OF REMONSTRANCE

FROM BRIDGET JONES TO THE NOBLEMEN AND GENTLEMEN FORMING THE

WASHING COMMITTEE.
It’s a shame, so it is—men can’t Let alone
Jobs as is Woman’s right to do—and go about there Own—
Theirs Reforms enuff Alreddy without your new schools
For washing to sit Up,—and push the Old Tubs from their stools!
But your just like the Raddicals,—for upsetting of the Sudds
When the world wagg’d well enuff—and Wommen wash’d your old dirty
duds,
I’m Certain sure Enuff your Ann Sisters had no steam Indins, that’s Flat,—
But I Warrant your Four Fathers went as Tidy and gentlemanny for all that
—
I suppose your the Family as lived in the Great Kittle
I see on Clapham Commun, some times a very considerable period back
when I were little,
And they Said it went with Steem,—But that was a joke!
For I never see none come of it,—that’s out of it—but only sum Smoak—
And for All your Power of Horses about your Indians you never had but
Two
In my time to draw you About to Fairs—and hang you, you know that’s
true!
And for All your fine Perspectuses,—howsomever you bewhich ’em,
Theirs as Pretty ones off Primerows Hill, as ever a one at Mitchum,
Thof I cant sea What Prospectives and washing has with one another to Do
—
It ant as if a Bird’seye Hankicher can take a Birds-high view!
But Thats your look-out—I’ve not much to do with that—But pleas God to
hold up fine,
Id show you caps and pinners and small things as lillywhit as Ever crosst
the Line
Without going any Father off than Little Parodies Place,
And Thats more than you Can—and Ill say it behind your face—
But when Folks talks of washing, it ant for you too Speak,—
As kept Dockter Pattyson out of his Shirt for a Weak!
Thinks I, when I heard it—Well thear’s a Pretty go!
That comes o’ not marking of things or washing out the marks, and
Huddling ’em up so!
Till Their frends comes and owns them, like drownded corpeses in a Vault,
But may Hap you havint Larn’d to spel—and That ant your Fault
But may Hap you havint Larn d to spel and That ant your Fault,
Only you ought to leafe the Linnins to them as has Larn’d,—
For if it warnt for Washing,—and whare Bills is concarnd,
What’s the Yuse, of all the world, for a Wommans Headication,
And Their Being maid Schollards of Sundays—fit for any Cityation?

Well, what I says is this—when every Kittle has its spout,

Theirs no nead for Companys to puff steam about!
To be sure its very Well, when Their ant enuff Wind
For blowing up Boats with,—but not to hurt human kind,
Like that Pearkins with his Blunderbush, that’s loaded with hot water,
Thof a xSherrif might know Better, than make things for slaughtter,
As if War warnt Cruel enuff—wherever it befalls,
Without shooting poor sogers, with sich scalding hot washing[13] balls,—
But thats not so Bad as a Sett of Bear Faced Scrubbs
As joins their Sopes together, and sits up Steam rubbing Clubs,
For washing Dirt Cheap,—and eating other Peple’s grubs!
Which is all verry Fine for you and your Patent Tea,
But I wonders How Poor Wommen is to get Their Beau-He!
They must drink Hunt wash (the only wash God nose there will be!)
And their Little drop of Somethings as they takes for their Goods,
When you and your Steam has ruined (G—d forgive mee) their lively
Hoods,
Poor Women as was born to Washing in their youth!
And now must go and Larn other Buisnesses Four Sooth!
But if so be They leave their Lines what are they to go at—
They won’t do for Angell’s—nor any Trade like That,
Nor we cant Sow Babby Work,—for that’s all Bespoke,—
For the Queakers in Bridle! and a vast of the confind Folk
Do their own of Themselves—even the bettermost of em—aye, and evn
them of middling degrees—
Why—Lauk help you—Babby Linen and Bread ant Cheese!
Nor we can’t go a hammering the roads into Dust,
But we must all go and be Bankers, Like Mr. Marshes and Mr. Chamber,
and that’s what we must!
God nose you oght to have more Concern for our Sects,
When you nose you have suck’d us and hanged round our Mutherly necks,
And remembers what you Owes to Wommen Besides washing—
Y bl lik M l hi d l hi
You ant, blame you, like Men to go a slushing and sloshing
In mob caps, and pattins, adoing of Females Labers
And prettily jear’d At, you great Horse God-meril things, ant you now by
your next door nayhbours—
Lawk, I thinks I see you with your Sleaves tuckt up
No more like Washing than is drownding of a Pupp—
And for all Your Fine Water Works going round and round
They’ll scruntch your Bones some day—I’ll be bound
And no more nor be a gudgement,—for it cant come to good
To sit up agin Providence, which your a doing,—nor not fit It should,
For man warnt maid for Wommens starvation,
Nor to do away Laundrisses as is Links of Creation—
And cant be dun without in any Country But a naked Hottinpot Nation.
Ah, I wish our Minister would take one of your Tubbs
And preach a Sermon in it, and give you some good rubs—
But I warrants you reads (for you cant spel we nose) nyther Bybills or Good
Tracks,
Or youd no better than Taking the Close off one’s Backs—
And let your neighbours Oxin an Asses alone,—
And every Thing thats hern,—and give every one their Hone!

Well, its God for us All, and every Washer Wommen for herself,
And so you might, without shoving any on us off the shelf,
But if you warnt Noddis youd Let wommen a-be
And pull off your Pattins,—and leave the washing to we
That nose what’s what—Or mark what I say,
Youl make a fine Kittle of fish of Your Close some Day—
When the Aulder men wants Their Bibs and their ant nun at all,
And Crismass cum—and never a Cloth to lay in Gild Hall,
Or send a damp shirt to his Woship the Mare
Till hes rumatiz Poor Man, and cant set uprite to do good in his Harm Chare
—
Besides Miss-Matching Larned Ladys Hose, as is sent for you not to wash
(for you dont wash) but to stew
And make Peples Stockins yeller as oght to be Blew,
With a vast more like That,—and all along of Steem
Which warnt meand by Nater for any sich skeam—
But thats your Losses and youl have to make It Good,
And I cant say I’m sorry, afore God, if you shoud,
For men mought Get their Bread a great many ways
Without taking ourn,—aye, and Moor to your Prays,
You might go and skim the creme off Mr. Mack-Adam’s milky ways—
that’s what you might,
Or bete Carpets—or get into Parleamint,—or drive crabrolays from
morning to night,
Or, if you must be of our sects, be Watchemen, and slepe upon a poste!
(Which is an od way of sleping I must say,—and a very hard pillow at
most,)
Or you might be any trade, as we are not on that I’m awares,
Or be Watermen now, (not Water wommen) and roe people up and down
Hungerford stares.
If You Was even to Turn Dust Men a dry sifting Dirt,
But you oughtint to Hurt Them as never Did You no Hurt!
Yourn with Anymocity,
Bridget Jones.
THE BLUE BOAR.
’Tis known to man, ’tis known to woman,
’Tis known to all the world in common,
How politics and party strife
Vex public, even private, life;
But, till some days ago, at least
They never worried brutal beast.

I wish you could have seen the creature,

A tame domestic boar by nature,
Gone wild as boar that ever grunted,
By Baron Hoggerhausen hunted.
His back was up, and on its ledge
The bristles rose like quickset hedge;
His eye was fierce and red as coal,
Like furnace, shining through a hole,
And restless turn’d for mischief seeking;
His very hide with rage was reeking;
And oft he gnash’d his crooked tusks,
Chewing his tongue instead of husks,
Till all his jaw was white and yesty,
Showing him savage, fierce, and resty.

And what had caused this mighty vapour?

A dirty fragment of a paper,
That in his rambles he had found,
Lying neglected on the ground;
A relic of the Morning Post,
Two tattered columns at the most,
But which our irritated swine
(Derived from Learned Toby’s line)
Digested easy as his meals,
Like any quidnunc Cit at Peel’s.

He read, and mused, and pored and read,

His shoulders shrugg’d, and shook his head;
Now at a line he gave a grunt,
Now at a phrase took sudden stunt,
And snorting turn’d his back upon it,
But always came again to con it;
In short he petted up his passion,
After a very human fashion,
When Temper’s worried with a bone
She’ll neither like nor let alone.
At last his fury reach’d the pitch
Of that most irritating itch,
When mind and will, in fever’d faction,
Prompt blood and body into action;
No matter what, so bone and muscle
May vent the frenzy in a bustle;
But whether by a fight or dance
Is left to impulse and to chance.
So stood the Boar, in furious mood
Made up for any thing but good;
He gave his tail a tighter twist,
As men in anger clench the fist,
And threw fresh sparkles in his eye
From the volcano in his fry—
Ready to raze the parish pound,
To pull the pigsty to the ground,
To lay Squire Giles, his master, level,
Ready, indeed, to play the devil.

So, stirr’d by raving demagogues,

I’ve seen men rush, like rabid dogs,
Stark staring from the Pig and Whistle,
And like his Boarship, in a bristle,
Resolved unanimous on rumpus
From any quarter of the compass;
But whether to duck Aldgate Pump,
(For wits in madness never jump)
To liberate the beasts from Cross’s;
Or hiss at all the Wigs in Ross’s;
On Waithman’s column hang a weeper;
Or tar and feather the old sweeper;
Or break the panes of landlord scurvy,
O b ea t e pa es o a d o d scu vy,
And turn the King’s Head topsy-turvy;
Rebuild, or pull down, London Wall;
Or take his cross from old Saint Paul;
Or burn those wooden Highland fellows,
The snuff-men’s idols, ‘neath the gallows!
None fix’d or cared—but all were loyal
To one design—a battle royal.

Thus stood the Boar, athirst for blood,

Trampling the Morning Post to mud,
With tusks prepared to run a muck;—
And sorrow for the mortal’s luck
That came across him Whig or Tory,
It would have been a tragic story—
But fortune interposing now,
Brought Bessy into play—a Sow;—
A fat, sleek, philosophic beast
That never fretted in the least,
Whether her grains were sour or sweet,
For grains are grains, and she could eat.
Absorb’d in two great schemes capacious,
The farrow and the farinaceous,
If cares she had, they could not stay,
She drank, and wash’d them all away.
In fact this philosophic sow
Was very like a German frow;
In brief—as wit should be and fun,—
If sows turn Quakers, she was one;
Clad from the duckpond, thick and slab,
In bran-new muddy suit of drab.
To still the storm of such a lubber,
She came like oil—at least like blubber—
Her pigtail of as passive shape
As ever droop’d o’er powder’d nape;
Her snout, scarce turning up—her deep
Small eyes half settled into sleep;
Her ample ears, dependent, meek,
Like fig leaves shading either cheek;
Like fig-leaves shading either cheek;
Whilst, from the corner of her jaw,
A sprout of cabbage, green and raw,
Protruded,—as the Dove, so stanch
For Peace, supports an olive branch,—
Her very grunt, so low and mild,
Like the soft snoring of a child,
Inquiring into his disquiets,
Served like the Riot Act, at riots,—
He laid his restive bristles flatter,
And took to arguefy the matter.

“O Bess, O Bess, here’s heavy news!

They mean to ‘mancipate the Jews!
Just as they turn’d the blacks to whites,
They want to give them equal rights,
And, in the twinkling of a steeple,
Make Hebrews quite like other people.
Here, read—but I forget your fetters,
You’ve studied litters more than letters.”

“Well,” quoth the Sow, “and no great miss,

I’m sure my ignorance is bliss;
Contentedly I bite and sup,
And never let my flare flare-up;
Whilst you get wild and fuming hot—
What matters Jews be Jews or not?
Whether they go with beards like Moses,
Or barbers take them by the noses,
Whether they live, permitted dwellers,
In Cheapside shops, or Rag Fair cellars,
Or climb their way to civic perches,
Or go to synagogues or churches?”
“Churches!—ay, there the question grapples,
No, Bess, the Jews will go to Chappell’s!”

“To chapel—well—what’s that to you?

A Berkshire Boar, and not a Jew?
We pigs remember the remark
We pigs,—remember the remark
Of our old drover Samuel Slark,
When trying, but he tried in vain,
To coax me into Sermon Lane,
Or Paternoster’s pious Row,—
But still I stood and grunted No!
Of Lane of Creed an equal scorner,
Till bolting off, at Amen Corner,
He cried, provoked at my evasion,
‘Pigs, blow ’em! ar’n’t of no persuasion!’ ”

“The more’s the pity, Bess—the more—”

Said, with sardonic grin, the Boar;
“If Pigs were Methodists and Bunyans,
They’d make a sin of sage and onions;
The curse of endless flames endorse
On every boat of apple-sauce;
Give brine to Satan, and assess
Blackpuddings with bloodguiltiness;
Yea, call down heavenly fire and smoke
To burn all Epping into coke!”

“Ay,” cried the Sow, extremely placid,

In utter contrast to his acid,
“Ay, that would be a Sect indeed!
And every swine would like the creed,
The sausage-making curse and all;
And should some brother have a call,
To thump a cushion to that measure,
I would sit under him with pleasure;
Nay, put down half my private fortune
T’ endow a chapel at Hog’s Norton.—
But what has this to do, my deary,
With their new Hebrew whigmaleery?”

“Sow that you are! this Bill, if current,

Would be as good as our death-warrant;—
And, with its legislative friskings,
Loose t el e ne tribes pon o r griskins!
Loose twelve new tribes upon our griskins!
Unjew the Jews, what follows then?
Why, they’ll eat pork like other men,
And you shall see a Rabbi dish up
A chine as freely as a Bishop!
Thousands of years have pass’d, and pork
Was never stuck on Hebrew fork;
But now, suppose that relish rare
Fresh added to their bill of fare,
Fry, harslet, pettitoes, and chine,
Leg, choppers, bacon, ham, and loin,
And then, beyond all goose or duckling”—

“Yes, yes—a little tender suckling!

It must be held the aptest savour
To make the eager mouth to slaver!
Merely to look on such a gruntling,
A plump, white, sleek and sappy runtling,
It makes one—ah! remembrance bitter!
It made me eat my own dear litter!”

“Think, then, with this new waken’d fury,

How we should fare if tried by Jewry!
A pest upon the meddling Whigs!
There’ll be a pretty run on pigs!
This very morn a Hebrew brother
With three hats stuck on one another,
And o’er his arm a bag, or poke,
A thing pigs never find a joke,
Stopp’d—rip the fellow!—though he knew
I’ve neither coat to sell nor shoe,
And cock’d his nose—right at me, lovey!
Just like a pointer at a covey!

To set our only friends agin us!

That neither care to fat nor thin us!
To boil, to broil, to roast, or fry us,
But act like real Christians by us!—
A i ll l i l t !
A murrain on all legislators!
Thin wash, sour grains, and rotten ’taters!
A bulldog at their ears and tails!
The curse of empty troughs and pails
Famish their flanks as thin as weasels!
May all their children have the measles;
Or in the straw untimely smother,
Or make a dinner for the mother!
A cartwhip for all law inventors!
And rubbing-posts stuck full of tenters!
Yokes, rusty rings, and gates, to hitch in
And parish pounds to pine the flitch in,
Cold, and high winds, the Devil send ’em—
And then may Sam the Sticker end ’em!”

’Twas strange to hear him how he swore!

A Boar will curse, though like a boar,
While Bess, like Pity, at his side
Her swine-subduing voice supplied!
She bade him such a rage discard;
That anger is a foe to lard;
’Tis bad for sugar to get wet,
And quite as bad for fat to fret;
“Besides,”—she argued thus at last—
“The Bill you fume at has not pass’d,
For why, the Commons and the Peers
Have come together by the ears:
Or rather, as we pigs repose,
One’s tail beside the other’s nose,
And thus, of course, take adverse views
Whether of Gentiles or of Jews.
Who knows? They say the Lords’ ill-will
Has thrown out many a wholesome Bill,
And p’rhaps some Peer to Pigs propitious
May swamp a measure so Jew-dish-us!”

The Boar was conquer’d: at a glance,

He saw there really was a chance—
That as the Hebrew nose is hooked,
The Bill was equally as crooked;
And might outlast, thank party embers,
A dozen tribes of Christian members;—
So down he settled in the mud,
With smoother back, and cooler blood,
As mild, as quiet, a Blue Boar,
As any over tavern-door.
MORAL.

The chance is small that any measure

Will give all classes equal pleasure;
Since Tory Ministers or Whigs,
Sometimes can’t even “please the Pigs.”
 A FLYING VISIT.
“A Calendar! a Calendar! look in the Almanac, find out moonshine—find out
moonshine!”—Midsummer Night’s Dream.
 HE by-gone September,
As folks may remember,
At least if their memory saves but an ember,
One fine afternoon,
There went up a Balloon,
Which did not return to the Earth very soon.

For, nearing the sky,

At about a mile high,
The Aëronaut bold had resolved on a fly;
So cutting his string,
In a Parasol thing,
Down he came in a field like a lark from the wing.

Meanwhile, thus adrift,

The Balloon made a shift
To rise very fast, with no burden to lift;
It got very small,
Then to nothing at all;
And then rose the question of where it would fall?

Some thought that, for lack

Of the man and his pack,
’Twould rise to the Cherub that watches Poor Jack;
Some held, but in vain,
With the first heavy rain,
’Twould surely come down to the Gardens again!

But still not a word

For a month could be heard
Of what had become of the Wonderful Bird:
The firm Gye and Hughes,
Wore their boots out and shoes,
In running about and inquiring for news.

Some thought it must be

Tumbled into the Sea;
S th ht it h d ff t Hi h G i
Some thought it had gone off to High Germanie:
For Germans, as shown
By their writings, ’tis known
Are always delighted with what is high-flown.

Some hinted a bilk,

And that maidens who milk,
In far distant Shires would be walking in silk:
Some swore that it must,
“As they said at the fust,
Have gone again’ flashes of lightning and bust!”

However, at last,
When six weeks had gone past,
Intelligence came of a plausible cast;
A wondering clown,
At a hamlet near town,
Had seen “like a moon of green cheese” coming down.

Soon spread the alarm,

And from cottage and farm,
The natives buzz’d out like the bees when they swarm;
And off ran the folk,—
It is such a good joke
To see the descent of a bagful of smoke.

And lo! the machine,

Dappled yellow and green,
Was plainly enough in the clouds to be seen:
“Yes, yes,” was the cry,
“It’s the old one, surely,
Where can it have been such a time in the sky?

“Lord! where will it fall?

It can’t find out Vauxhall,
Without any pilot to guide it at all!”
Some wager’d that Kent
Would behold the event,
Debrett had been posed to predict its “descent ”
Debrett had been posed to predict its descent.

Some thought it would pitch

In the old Tower Ditch,
Some swore on the Cross of St. Paul’s it would hitch,
And Farmers cried “Zounds!
If it drops on our grounds,
We’ll try if Balloons can’t be put into pounds!”

But still to and fro

It continued to go,
As if looking out for soft places below—
No difficult job,
It had only to bob
Slap-dash down at once on the heads of the mob:

Who, too apt to stare

At some castle in air,
Forget that the earth is their proper affair;
Till, watching the fall
Of some soap-bubble ball,
They tumble themselves with a terrible sprawl.

Meanwhile, from its height

Stooping downward in flight,
The Phenomenon came more distinctly in sight:
Still bigger and bigger,
And strike me a nigger
Unfreed, if there was not a live human figure!

Yes, plain to be seen,

Underneath the machine,
There dangled a mortal—some swore it was Green;
Some Mason could spy;
Others named Mr. Gye;
Or Hollond, compell’d by the Belgians to fly.

’Twas Graham the flighty,

Whom the Duke high and mighty,
 g g y,
Resign’d to take care of his own lignum-vitæ;
’Twas Hampton, whose whim
Was in Cloudland to swim,
Till e’en Little Hampton look’d little to him!

But all were at fault;

From the heavenly vault
The falling balloon came at last to a halt;
And bounce! with the jar
Of descending so far,
An outlandish Creature was thrown from the car!

At first with the jolt

All his wits made a bolt,
As if he’d been flung by a mettlesome colt;
And while in his faint,
To avoid all complaint,
The Muse shall endeavour his portrait to paint.

The face of this elf,

Round as platter of delf,
Was pale as if only a cast of itself:
His head had a rare
Fleece of silvery hair,
Just like the Albino at Bartlemy Fair.

His eyes they were odd,

Like the eyes of a cod,
And gave him the look of a watery God.
His nose was a snub;
Under which for his grub,
Was a round open mouth like to that of a chub.

His person was small,

Without figure at all,
A plump little body as round as a ball:
With two little fins,
And a couple of pins,
With what has been christen’d a bow in the shins.

His dress it was new,

A full suit of sky-blue—
With bright silver buckles in each little shoe—
Thus painted complete,
From his head to his feet,
Conceive him laid flat in Squire Hopkins’s wheat.

Fine text for the crowd!

Who disputed aloud
What sort of a creature had dropp’d from the cloud—
“He’s come from o’er seas,
He’s a Cochin Chinese—
By jingo! he’s one of the wild Cherookees!”

“Don’t nobody know?”

“He’s a young Esquimaux,
Turn’d white like the hares by the Arctical snow.”
“Some angel, my dear,
Sent from some upper spear
For Plumtree or Agnew, too good for this-here!”

Meanwhile, with a sigh,

Having open’d one eye,
The Stranger rose up on his seat by and by;
And finding his tongue,
Thus he said, or he sung,
“Mi criky bo biggamy kickery bung!”

“Lord! what does he speak?”

“It’s Dog-Latin—it’s Greek!”
“It’s some sort of slang for to puzzle a Beak!”
“It’s no like the Scotch,”
Said a Scot on the watch,
“Phoo! it’s nothing at all but a kind of hotch-potch!”

“It’s not parly voo,”

Cried a schoolboy or two
 Cried a schoolboy or two,
“Nor Hebrew at all,” said a wandering Jew.
Some held it was sprung
From the Irvingite tongue,
The same that is used by a child very young.

Some guess’d it high Dutch,

Others thought it had much
In sound of the true Hoky-poky-ish touch;
But none could be poz,
What the Dickens (not Boz),
No mortal could tell what the Dickens it was!

When who should come pat,

In a moment like that,
But Bowring, to see what the people were at—
A Doctor well able,
Without any fable,
To talk and translate all the babble of Babel.

So just drawing near,

With a vigilant ear,
That took ev’ry syllable in, very clear,
Before one could sip
Up a tumbler of flip,
He knew the whole tongue from the root to the tip!

Then stretching his hand,

As you see Daniel stand,
In the Feast of Belshazzar, that picture so grand!
Without more delay,
In the Hamilton way
He English’d whatever the Elf had to say.

“Krak kraziboo ban,

I’m the Lunatic Man,
Confined in the Moon since creation began—
Sit muggy bigog,
Whom except in a fog