“You Don’t

Know Me
Like That!”
Rapport is a building block of effective
classroom management. Without it, cultural
misunderstandings between teachers and
students can devolve into chaos.
Gabriel “Asheru” Benn

T
he quality of teaching and learning hinges upon the
quality of the teacher-student relationship. Traditionally,
the teacher was seen as a trusted subject matter expert
and person of authority within a school, with the power
to pass or fail a student, assign detention, and hand out
other punitive measures. However, over time, the teacher-student
dynamic has changed. Nowadays, in our digital, less hierarchical
age, students have much greater access to knowledge and have lev-
eraged a more powerful voice in the teacher-student relationship than
ever before. The absolute, unquestionable, and essentially assumed
authority that teachers once possessed is diminishing and being
replaced by an authority that has to be earned. Building a healthy
rapport and positive relationship with students requires the careful
cultivation of mutual respect, honesty, and trust.

The Cornerstone of Rapport

The cornerstone of good rapport is respect: respect for self, respect
for the service you provide in your role as a teacher, and respect for

20 EDUCATIONAL LEADERSHIP / SEPTEMBER 2018

those you provide that service to. For teachers,
this means developing respect for the multitude of
personalities, needs, backgrounds, strengths, and
obstacles that come with the students we serve. If
we are truly going to establish respect and build
rapport with our students, we must take the
stance of servant leadership—where we put others’
needs before our own in an effort to share power
and facilitate opportunities for students (and col-
leagues) to perform at their highest potential.
In my experience as a teacher and adminis-
trator, I often found that the students who need
the most love, support, and encouragement may
show their need in rude and disrespectful ways.
When a student lashes out in class, you must have
the presence of mind in the moment to know
that sometimes, poor behavior isn’t about you
personally. Sometimes it’s connected to an unfa-
vorable circumstance or argument at home that
took place before school. Sometimes it’s hunger
pains. Sometimes it’s an overall frustration or
angst about school. Sometimes it’s a combination
of the three. The ways in which you choose
to respond, however, can mean the difference
between a peaceful resolution and an escalated
conflict cycle.

Unpacked and Unchecked

I’m sure many teachers are reading this and
thinking, “You must not know about my
class. . . .” I get it. For me as a teacher, every day
was another beautiful struggle: I was challenged
with supporting the academic gains of students
of varying interests and abilities, while also
working through the gamut of behavioral issues,
from students fighting to cursing to having loud
outbursts to refusing to do work . . . you name
it, I’ve been there. Experiences like these can be
disheartening and unnerving for teachers, and
sometimes we go home feeling inadequate, disre-
spected, and unappreciated despite our detailed
lesson planning, hard work, and good intentions.
These feelings, gone unpacked and unchecked,
can quickly shape a teacher’s day-to-day reality,
especially when fueled by the comments and vali-
dation of coworkers who feel the same way. This
can create a defensive disposition among teachers

© JINGJING TSONG/THEiSPOT ASCD / WWW.ASCD.ORG 21

 that presents itself in both overt lead to abuses of power that can
and covert ways. affect a student’s academic self-
For example, some teachers, esteem and attitudes toward
relying on their assumed school and authority. This often
authority, may interact with plays out through a sort of aca-
students through sarcasm, demic and behavioral “tuning
verbal confrontation, or by out”—in which an errant word
being overly punitive (in a or flippant remark in the heat
“gotcha” manner with no of the moment by the teacher
real restorative aspect). Such can negatively affect a student’s
defensive interactions only feed self-esteem, outlook, and aca-
the conflict. demic effort—or worse, poten-
They can also lead to tially trigger or emotionally scar
instances of conscious and a teenager. At the beginning
unconscious bias playing out of his classic song “Juicy,”
in the classroom, via discrimi- Notorious BIG reflects on his
natory or inequitable teaching own lasting scars: “This album
practices, micro-aggressive is dedicated to all the teachers
behaviors, and personal insults. that told me I’d never amount
These might include comments to nothin’. . . .”
about a student’s appearance,
grammar, or behavioral affect; “Nunya” Business
showing favoritism to some Take the case of a misunder-
students, while harshly disci- standing that occurred between
plining others; using phrases a white teacher and Black
that embarrass a student, like student at a special education
“You won’t amount to anything center where I served as an
in the future” or “You’re getting administrator. One afternoon
on my nerves”; an over-reliance after class, I was asked by
on worksheets and “busy the teacher to intervene and
work”; teaching from your mediate a post-conflict con-
desk; or generally being disen- versation between the two.
gaged. Developing adolescents The teacher’s understanding of
may not have the emotional the event was that the student
maturity to discern whether became frustrated during
their teacher is harboring racial class and began acting errati-
and/or unconscious bias or cally, cursing at the teacher
just having a bad day or feeling and hurling mean-spirited
overwhelmed. Nor should they comments and insults, for
be expected to. seemingly no reason at all.
Your students are looking The teacher also intimated
to you to set the tone as that she liked the student
the instructional leader and and thought that they had a
authority figure. However, an strong relationship prior to the
authority that is only assumed disagreement.
and perpetuated without regard When the student entered
to student buy-in and sincere my office, we asked for her
relationship building will result account of the situation. The
in bad rapport. It will inevitably young girl began to explain

22 EDUCATIONAL LEADERSHIP / SEPTEMBER 2018

 A teacher’s errant word or flippant
remark in the heat of the moment can
negatively affect a student’s self-esteem,
outlook, and academic effort.
that she asked a question about the her outburst; however, she was still special education setting. She was a
whereabouts of a fellow student (who visibly upset about the exchange, 30-something white woman, natu-
had had a conflict with the teacher at her own response (which was rally outgoing and confident and
and was put out of the classroom uncharacteristic), and at being fresh out of an Ivy League graduate
the previous day). She went on to singled out and possibly reprimanded school program. It was her first time
say that when she asked where her for her behavior. working in a school with a predomi-
friend was and when he would be Later that day, I spoke one-on-one nately Black and Latino student body.
returning to class, the teacher replied, with the teacher to recap the event. One day, after about a month
“Nunya.” The student continued: The teacher reiterated that she was on the job, the specialist ran into
“My mother told me that the word surprised by the teenager’s emotional a student she recognized from her
nunya was short for ‘none of your reaction over something that seemed caseload, but had had difficulty
damn business’ and I didn’t appre- so small. She shared that the student tracking down for follow-up classes.
ciate that lady [the teacher] cursing at was generally well-behaved in class This student, Gary, was walking
me like that. . . .” and consistently completed assign- in the hallway during class tran-
The teacher was shocked by the ments. But when I asked the teacher sition with Tanisha, another student
girl’s response and tried to explain what she knew about the student per- from her caseload whom she was
that she simply hadn’t wanted to sonally, the conversation took a turn: working with more consistently.
discuss the reprimanded student’s “That’s it. What do you mean?” The specialist thought about how
situation in front of the whole class. Clearly, she hadn’t spent much (if she hadn’t been able to connect
Saying “nunya” was her way of any) time getting to know the student with this young man after several
postponing the conversation and beyond a superficial level. Had the attempts—and was wondering why.
redirecting the class to work on the teacher invested in their relationship, In what I can only assume was an
task at hand. The teacher went on to she might have been more sensitive effort to be lighthearted and relatable,
apologize to the student for the mis- about using slang or a form of derog- the specialist called out down the
communication, but also shared her atory speech to ward off the girl’s hallway to Tanisha, “Girl, don’t hang
frustrations about the disrespectful question. A deeper awareness of who out with him. He can’t even read!”
comments the student made toward the student was—a greater respect for Gary, singled out and humiliated in
her in public. her as an individual—could have pre- front of his peers, advanced toward
Having prior background vented the interaction from getting the specialist while unleashing an
knowledge about the student’s emo- “lost in translation.” expletive-filled tirade. Several other
tional and learning needs, I was able teachers and staff intervened to break
to use informed, compassionate Out of Bounds and Out of Touch up the potential altercation, and the
communication to assist her with Another example of this type of specialist retreated back to her office
self-reflection and accountability avoidable conflict involved a newly until things cooled down.
for her actions. The student under- hired reading specialist that I once Later, when the specialist and I
stood eventually and apologized for worked with in a high school spoke about what happened, she

ASCD / WWW.ASCD.ORG 23
 Quickly learning key social and cultural cues can
go a long way in building rapport with students.
stated that she didn’t really know the happened? What action steps can you So how do teachers move beyond
cause of Gary’s anger, but that “the take to prevent this type of conflict this idea of assumed authority, in
bigger question” for her was whether from happening in the future? Again, favor of a more, equitable, inclusive,
she needed to move her car from the these teachers demonstrated poor and culturally responsive approach to
school parking lot, for fear that Gary self-awareness and lacked the nec- building rapport? Consider applying
might vandalize it—something that essary rapport with their students to the following practices to earn
she knew her boyfriend would be use those words, which sparked their students’ respect.
most definitely “pissed off” about. respective conflict cycles. A more n Just as you establish class rules
It was disheartening to see just how colloquial way an offended student and expectations with students at
much this teacher missed the mark. might describe this misstep is with the beginning of the school year,
She was more concerned about disap- the blurted-out phrase, “You don’t establish a collective standard of
pointing her boyfriend than about know me like that!” When teachers learning and make a personal com-
offending a student, a confirmation make assumptions about rapport, mitment to ensure students’ success
for me that even after all of her spe- they risk damaging relationships— (via differentiated assessments,
cialized training, she still lacked some and losing any ounce of authority additional opportunities for makeup
very basic soft skills. they’ve earned up to that point. work and extra credit, or holding
Her car’s safety was in fact not “office hours” during lunch or after
the most important issue here, I school a couple of days a week). If
explained; it was Gary’s feelings of GUIDING QUESTIONS the majority of a class is failing, this

?
anger and betrayal that mattered first failure is not their failure alone.
and foremost. After some further › Do you agree that a n Cultivate opportunities for per-
discussion, the teacher conceded that teacher’s authority is no sonal engagement with your students.
she could see how and why Gary (or longer assumed, but has For example, establish a class hand-
any student for that matter) would shake, occasionally eat lunch with
to be earned? What impli-
be offended by what she said. She your students, and share personal
cations does this have for
later sought Gary out to apologize stories or examples of your own text-
classroom management?
and invited him to return to their to-self connections (how you relate
regularly scheduled reading ses- › Have you ever made a sar- to a story based on your experiences)
sions. He was reluctant at first to castic or off-the-cuff comment in class, while offering an empa-
even accept her apology; however, to a student that was taken out thetic ear as you invite students to
with some encouragement from other of context? If so, what could you do the same.
teachers, administrators, and stu- have done differently? n Know that it’s OK to be goofy or
dents, Gary eventually attended the › What practices do you use “out of the loop” on some things. Ask
reading sessions. Unfortunately, their to build rapport with students, questions and let your students fill
relationship was never able to heal, both collectively as a class and you in; they’ll be more than happy to
causing Gary to simply “go through individually? teach you for once. Remain curious,
the motions.” › How can being more
open, and show concern—but be
careful not to be too intrusive.
attuned to social and cultural
Practices That Earn Respect n Avoid low-expectation style
cues help prevent interactions
In both scenarios, I posed follow-up teaching, characterized by inten-
with your students from getting
questions to each teacher: Do you tionally lowering rigor to meet
understand how and why the conflict “lost in translation?” perceived student learning deficits,

24 EDUCATIONAL LEADERSHIP / SEPTEMBER 2018

assigning busy work, being overly student populations. Within
punitive, and focusing more on these contexts, something as
behavior than grades. Teach for simple as a teacher’s sarcastic
skills mastery and understanding remark, body language, or tone
of content, not for rule following. can be perceived as disrespectful
n Use compassionate com- by a student. A teacher’s ability
munication. Basic greetings and to quickly learn key social and
manners, like saying “please” cultural cues, however, can go a
and “thank you,” can go a long long way in building rapport with
way in building rapport. So can students and nurturing a sense of
asking permission (“Would community in the classroom.
you mind . . . ?” or “Is it OK Developing a healthy rapport is
if I . . . ?”), admitting to mistakes possible in any context when we
or being wrong (“My bad, that embrace a servant leadership
came out wrong. Thank you for mindset, show compassion, are
correcting me!”), and giving stu- culturally responsive and
dents the benefit of the doubt. affirming, and demonstrate a
Set norms for communication in commitment to our students’
your classroom and consistently success. These actions build stu-
model them, even when you’re dents’ respect, trust, and confi-
being tested. dence in you as their teacher.
n Recognize and affirm the With this newly earned authority,
best qualities that you identify in comes great responsibility. EL
your students—building upon
their assets and positive char-
acteristics (for instance, refer to Gabriel “Asheru” Benn is a
an assertive or highly inquisitive veteran educator, education
entrepreneur, hip-hop artist, and
student as “the future attorney”
Peabody Award winner from Wash-
or “CEO-in-training”). ington, D.C. He is currently an
n Know how to read a room ASCD faculty member, specializing
and situation to avoid the con- in diversity, equity, and inclusion
flict cycle from beginning or in the classroom; differentiated
escalating. When you see that a instruction; and arts and media
student’s behavior is “off,” pull integration. Follow him on Twitter
@Asheru and @GuerillaArts.
him to the side and ask if he is
OK or if he needs anything. Let
him know that you are there to
support him.
I know at times it can be dif- EL Online Exclusive
ficult to maintain a positive For more on restorative
outlook and empowering discipline practices, see
attitude toward our students. the online article, “Cir-
Cultural misunderstandings cling Toward Healing and
can compound this stress, par- Learning” by Rachel Dahill-
ticularly in urban American Fuchel and Kevin Dahill-
classrooms where predomi- Fuchel at www.ascd.org/
nately young, white teachers el0918dahill.
work with racially, culturally,
and socio-economically diverse

ASCD / WWW.ASCD.ORG 25
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