CHAPTER 4

We turn now to the control domain where parents work to discipline or modify children’s
undesirable behavior as well as to reward desirable behavior. We begin with discipline which
includes reasoning and the experience of consequences for bad behavior if necessary. We then
turn to reward for desirable behavior.

THE CONTROL DOMAIN (DISCIPLINE)

MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
During the morning rush, family members are trying to get ready to leave for school and work on time.
Son is still in pajamas and is busy playing.
Mom. How many times do I have to tell you to get dressed? You can be so inconsiderate!
Son. What’s the big deal, I’m just playing a bit.
Mom. That’s it! I’ve had it with you. Forget the birthday party this weekend, and that’s final.
Son. What? What did I do? It’s so unfair! You’re mean!

--
Dad (to daughter). Please clean up your toys from the living room and put them in your room.
We have company coming.
Daughter. Why does it matter? They’re all in the corner and neat.

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Dad. Because I said so.
Daughter. But that’s not a reason.
Dad. No talking back, please. Do it.

--

Parents receive a call from the school teacher about their daughter hitting a classmate.
Mom. I cannot believe I have to get such a call from your teacher. I was so embarrassed. What
were you thinking?
Daughter. But Mom, that girl was…
Dad. Don’t talk back to your mother. I don’t care what the girl did. You are in big trouble,
young lady.
Daughter goes to her room and sulks

In the discipline part of the control domain parents use their position of power to discourage
negative behaviour and encourage positive behaviour. Discipline, by which we mean the parent’s
explanation for why a behavior is wrong and the child’s experience of negative consequences if
the behavior continues, is central to the control domain. Some people may not like the term
“discipline” and that is fine. The important point is that, when children have misbehaved, they are
provided with a good reason for why their actions are wrong and, if they continue to misbehave,
they experience a reasonable negative consequence.
Many parenting programs have as their major focus the use of discipline to help children behave
in a more desirable way. In the Parenting by Domains program, we have left discipline and control
to the end in order to emphasize that, if parents are working well in the protection, reciprocity,
guided learning, and observational learning domains, they will have to spend less time in the
control domain. That’s a good thing, because discipline situations are not very pleasant. Negative
emotions can run high, with children and parents often frustrated, angry, and/or resentful. These
negative emotions interfere with productive discussions as well as with children’s ability to
understand what they did was wrong and why. Negative emotions can also make it challenging
for parents to understand events from their child’s point of view.

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WHAT DO PARENTS WANT TO ACHIEVE IN THE CONTROL (DISCIPLINE)
DOMAIN?
Parents’ short-term goals are to:
§ stop children from doing something that is wrong or undesirable
§ get children to comply when they don’t do what they’re being asked to do
Parents’ long-term goals are to:
§ help children internalize (take over as their own) values that will guide their future
behavior even when parents or other authority figures are not around to enforce that
behavior. These values include not harming others as well as helping others.
§ help children control their anger and impulsive behavior
§ teach children how to resolve conflict, to negotiate, and to compromise

WHEN ARE CHILDREN IN THE CONTROL (DISCIPLINE) DOMAIN?

Children are in this domain when they have harmed others, endangered themselves, or don’t
behave in a socially acceptable or responsible way. This puts them into conflict with their parents.
Here are some examples:
§ stealing
§ lying
§ being physically aggressive
§ being rude or impolite, e.g., not saying “thank you”
§ inconveniencing others, e.g., not complying with a parent’s
request to get dressed in the morning so they won’t be
late for school and work
§ doing something dangerous, e.g., running into the street
without looking
§ refusing to do homework, not practicing the piano, not
following through on commitments or promises

WHAT CAN PARENTS DO WHEN THEIR CHILDREN MISBEHAVE?

When children misbehave parents need to make sure that a) their children understand why what
they did was wrong and b) that their children agree that what they did was wrong, that is, that
they internalize the message. To achieve this outcome, they need to a) provide reasons for
why a particular behavior is unacceptable and b) if necessary, impose consequences if the
behavior continues.

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Provide Explanations/Reasons

• Explanations/reasons should be appropriate to the misdeed and also believable, e.g., telling
children that they shouldn’t swear because other children won’t like them is not
believable, whereas telling them they shouldn’t hit someone because it’s wrong to hurt
other people is believable. Explanations that involve logical or natural outcomes of a
particular misdeed (e.g., “If you don’t put your dirty clothes in the hamper then they won’t
get washed”, or “When you didn’t wear your mittens your hands got cold”) are
particularly believable.
§ Explanations need to be appropriate for the child’s age, e.g., telling a 4-year-old about
property rights is not as good as telling them they wouldn’t like it if someone took their
things.
§ A particularly effective explanation is to point
out how the child’s behavior has affected
others, e.g., “what you said to your sister hurt
her feelings”, “when you hit your friend it really
hurt him”.
§ Explanations are more effective when they are
in the form of a discussion with attention to the
child’s perspective rather than in the form of a
lecture. An example of a lecture in the control domain is: “I’ve told you so many times
that it’s wrong to tell lies. Lying is wrong and you’ll get into serious trouble if you keep
on doing it. People won’t trust you and you’ll be a very unhappy person”. An example of
a discussion is: “I know it’s easier to tell a lie and hope that no one will notice. But what
happens when someone does notice? Is there a way to tell the truth so that you don’t get
into trouble?”
§ Explanations can include suggestions for better ways of handling a situation, e.g., “Why
don’t you try asking nicely whether you can play with the toy for a few minutes instead of
just grabbing it from him?”
§ When emotions are running high, it may be better to wait until later to talk about why
the child’s behavior was harmful or inappropriate. Sometimes even clear messages are
missed when children are distracted by their frustration or anger.
§ In some situations, it may be helpful for children to see their parents’ strong negative
emotional reaction to drive home the importance of the message; for example, a child
who runs into the street without looking may understand the message better if parents
show their fear clearly.

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Apply Appropriate Consequences, When Necessary
Explanation alone can be sufficient, but sometimes children need to experience consequences in
order to help them learn. There are several kinds of consequences.
§ Verbal disapproval, e.g., “You know that it’s wrong to hit other people—I’m so
surprised you did that.” It’s important, however, to be careful of the exact words that are
used. Verbal disapproval that threatens a child’s feelings of security, e.g., “You know it’s
wrong to hit other people—I don’t like you when you do it” can be very harmful because it
implies rejection of the child rather than just of the child’s action and is therefore
frightening.

§ Withdrawal of privileges, e.g., reduction of video game time, being sent to one’s room,
or a toy being taken away for a certain amount of time. The lost privilege should, if
possible, have some connection with the misdeed.
§ Requiring that the child make reparation, e.g.,
asking children to apologize to the person who has
been harmed by their actions.
§ Time out. This can be harmful if it threatens the
child’s feelings of security. It must end when the
when child shows signs of self-regulation and it
should always be accompanied by explanations and
discussion.
§ Physical punishment. To be avoided, according to
a substantial research literature. At the very least it
teaches children to resolve conflicts with physical
aggression.
When applying consequences parents need to keep in mind that:
§ different kinds of consequence work better with some children than with others. For
example, children differ in how sensitive they are to verbal disapproval and so, for some,
verbal disapproval could have no effect on behavior and, for some others, it could be
more upsetting than intended by the parent. Some children respond better to strict
parenting than others, and some view being sent to their room as a chance to play by
themselves undisturbed rather than as a punishment.

§ the punishment needs to fit the crime. Serious misbehavior needs serious punishment,
moderate misbehavior needs moderate punishment, and minor misbehavior needs to be
treated accordingly. Extenuating circumstances, e.g., the child is tired or upset (that is, in
the protection domain), or has been provoked, may also call for a reduced level of
punishment.

§ threatening consequences without following through teaches children that bad behavior
doesn’t matter.

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What about compromise?
§ Parents need to be responsive to their child’s wishes and point of view. If those wishes are
reasonable, or arguments make sense, then compromise could be in order.
§ Parents have bottom lines that are not subject to compromise. These bottom lines may
differ from parent to parent, e.g., some parents are more bothered by messy rooms or by
children racing through the house than are others.
§ Parents need to pick their battles. Some issues aren’t all that important in the grand scheme
of things. It’s not useful for parents and children to feel that they are constantly in conflict.

FOR CONSIDERATION
Explanations happen in the guided learning domain and in the control domain. What’s the
difference in the way that explanations are used in these two domains?

HOW CAN PARENTS AVOID GETTING INTO A CONFLICT SITUATION IN

THE FIRST PLACE?
It’s always useful to minimize the possibility of conflict or disagreement. There are several
strategies parents can use to reduce the amount of these undesirable outcomes.
§ When parents want to ask their children to do something, it’s useful to wait until children
are in a good mood, or not involved in an interesting activity, before making the request. A
gentle and pleasant reminder when there is a probability of unacceptable behavior can be
helpful, e.g., “it will be time to finish playing and to put your toys away in five minutes.”
§ The way in which a request is presented can make the difference between compliance and
noncompliance. Tone of voice and body language are at least as important as the words
that are said.

COMMON PITFALLS IN THE CONTROL (DISCIPLINE) DOMAIN

Pitfalls include:
§ not making sure children know what the rules and expectations are.
§ being inconsistent in enforcing the rules (e.g., not following through on threatened
punishment).
§ letting one’s own anger and frustration go uncontrolled.
§ automatically thinking the child is being deliberately disobedient.
§ believing that one approach should work for all children instead of matching the discipline
method to the individual child.
§ forgetting about how the situation looks to the child and using that information to

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 problem solve.
§ criticizing the child rather than the child’s behavior.
§ threatening the child’s sense of security by withdrawing love and support.
§ being unwilling to negotiate and compromise, as well as not letting children have some
say in the rules, where appropriate.
§ not treating children with respect, no matter how badly they have behaved.
§ being so critical that children are afraid to talk about their activities and feelings for fear
they will be punished inadvertently rewarding bad behavior that is intended to get
attention, for example, loud burping. In this case it is probably better to ignore the
behavior.

FOR CONSIDERATION
Think about some things that your child does that really annoy you. Describe the thoughts and
feelings that you have. How serious are these annoying behaviors? Are there alternative ways
to think about the situation so that you aren’t so annoyed?

AT-HOME PRACTICE
If you do not already have one, consider drawing up a set of the most important rules you
would like your child to follow. Consider having a discussion with your child about what should
be in these rules.

Take note of situations when your child did something you disapprove of, and you tried to
explain to them why it’s the wrong thing to do. Do you think your child understood your
lesson? Did your child agree with your lesson?
Try to recall how your parents disciplined you and how that affects the way you discipline your
child.

What kinds of discipline seem to work well for your particular child?
What kinds of discipline don’t work so well? Why might that be?

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BETTER WAYS OF RESPONDING IN THE CONTROL (DISCIPLINE) DOMAIN
During the morning rush, trying to get ready and leave for school and work on time. Son is still in
pajamas and is busy playing.
Mom. It’s time to dress and get ready to go to school. I already told you a few times.

Son. I’m just playing a bit.

Mom. So one more minute and then please get dressed. I know it’s hard to stop playing such a
fun game but if you don’t get ready you will be late for school and Daddy and I will be late for
work. You don’t want that to happen, do you?

Son. OK.

--

Dad to daughter. Please clean up your toys from the living room and put them in your room.
We have company coming.

Daughter. Why does it matter? They’re all in the corner and neat.

Dad. Mom and I like to keep the living room so it’s not cluttered, especially when we have
visitors. Just like you get to keep your room mostly the way you like it.

Daughter. OK.

--

Parents receive a call from the school teacher about their daughter hitting a classmate.

Mom. We need to talk about what happened at school today. Your teacher called me. Do you
want to talk now or after dinner?

Daughter. Mom, that girl was so mean to me. She told me my hair smelled like puke. She had it
coming, really.

Dad. That’s bad on her part, and I understand why you were upset. But hitting her was not a
good choice, no matter how angry you were. What might you have done instead of hitting?

Daughter. Nothing, I just wanted to hit her. She was mean.

Mom. Honey, it’s not OK to hit even if someone is really mean. You could really hurt them. Is
there a better way of handling the problem?

Daughter. I guess I could just pretend I didn’t hear her. Dad. That sounds like a better idea.

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 THE CONTROL DOMAIN (REWARD)

IS SOMETHING WRONG HERE?

Son comes home with a straight A report card from school.
Mom. Wow! Your grades are much better this year compared to last year. That’s the boy I like.

--

Daughter loves to draw and spends considerable time trying out new approaches to her work. Mom
frequently praises her for her artistic ability.

In this part of the control session, we will talk about the management of desirable behavior
through the use of praise and material reward. Although rewarding children seems like a
good thing to do, the research indicates that reward has to be administered carefully and only
under certain conditions.

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WHAT DO PARENTS WANT TO ACHIEVE IN THE CONTROL (REWARD)
DOMAIN?
Parents’ short-term goal is to:
§ draw children’s attention to something positive the child has done and to make them feel
good about it.
Parents’ long-term goals are to:
§ increase the chance that children will behave positively in the future not because they
expect a reward but because they believe it’s the right thing to do (internalization).
§ help children understand and appreciate their own strengths and virtues.

WHEN ARE CHILDREN IN THE CONTROL (REWARD) DOMAIN?

Children are in this domain when they have behaved especially well. For example, they:
§ did something helpful or showed consideration for others.
§ resisted some tempting but unacceptable or dangerous activity.
§ worked hard to perfect a skill or knowledge.

HOW CAN PARENTS MANAGE THE CONTROL (REWARD) DOMAIN?

There are two different kinds of reward: praise and material reward.
Praise
Praise includes making positive remarks about a child and what they have done. It is effective
(motivating) when it is given for what the child believes is
a trait that can be developed with effort, learning, or
persistence. It is not so effective if it is given for an act
that is seen by the child as reflecting a basic ability or trait
that cannot be changed. “You have really gotten better at
that job” works, whereas “You are a really smart person”
can be problematic if being smart is seen as an inborn
ability.

Different forms of praise that follow a behavior that is seen as modifiable are not always equally
effective. As an example, praising what the child has done, e.g., “it was good that you remembered
to put your toys away” is effective, but not as effective as suggesting something positive about
the child’s character, e.g., “You put your toys away. What a helpful boy you are”. This is because
praising one act doesn’t say anything about a child’s general approach to issues, that is, their

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character. But, if children perceive themselves as coming to possess certain general
characteristics, they are likely to continue acting in accord with this perception.

Praise can also be used to help in the guided learning domain by scaffolding learning. As each level
of understanding is developing, parents can use praise until that level is achieved. Then praise for
that level of understanding is stopped and now used for progress at the next level. Praise is no
longer necessary once the desired behavior is achieved.

Material reward
Material reward includes special treats, or money, or tokens that can be exchanged for something
tangible. Material rewards generally don’t work as well
as praise. That’s because, ultimately, parents don’t want
children who behave well just to get something material
or concrete.
Material reward can undermine a natural interest in
some activity. Providing a material reward can make the
child conclude that they engage in that activity only
because they are rewarded and so their interest in the
activity is lessened when rewards are not available.
Material reward can be a useful way of introducing
children to something they might well enjoy once they
try it, e.g., playing a musical instrument.

CAUTION
Praise or reward suggesting that parents’ positive regard is conditional on their children’s good
behavior or achievement has negative effects because it sends the message that parental love and
caring is dependent on what the child does. This is damaging to the parent-child relationship and
runs counter to the recommendation that children must be accepted even if their behavior is
not.

COMMON PITFALLS IN THE CONTROL (REWARD) DOMAIN

These include:

▪ rewarding too much.

▪ rewarding behaviors that that are naturally enjoyable to the child.
▪ inadvertently rewarding children for bad behavior when they are looking for attention.
▪ inadvertently rewarding children for bad behavior by giving up trying to stop it.
▪ giving the child the impression that their behavior is contingent on their parents’ love.

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FOR CONSIDERATION
What are some behaviors that your child enjoys doing naturally?

AT-HOME PRACTICE

Think back to a time or times when your child did something positive and whether you chose
to reward (praise or material reward) or not. Why did you make that choice?

BETTER WAYS OF RESPONDING IN THE CONTROL (REWARD) DOMAIN

Son comes home with a straight A report card from school.

Mom: Wow! You really worked hard this year and your marks show it. That’s awesome!

--

Daughter loves to draw and spends considerable time trying out new approaches to her work. Mother
makes a positive comment about the drawing but only occasionally.

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