Thoughts to Words

Started on Sunday, 8 December 2024

Entry #1. Documenting my Mind

I have desired to understand my mind for a long time. I first started gaining gradual
awareness of my mind when I was around 16. I know this in retrospect and it’s not
something I was aware of back then. I feel like all my years before that age were spent in a
mental fog. When I was around 22, I became more aware of my thoughts. I had a rough
understanding of the themes of my thoughts, their formation and the potential inferences
they made about my character and personality. I saw my thoughts as a doorway towards
self-awareness and I therefore, started journaling. I hoped that through journaling, I would be
brought closer to my thoughts and I would be able to examine them more closely.

I understood that journaling was all about self-expression. In pursuit of perfect

self-awareness, my self-expression in journaling became infested with maladaptive
perfectionism. This far, I have deleted and burnt nine journals. Something as inconsequential
in personal journaling as grammar and syntax irregularities was enough to make me delete
an entire journal. Despite all the significant time and effort my perfectionism has cost me, I
can say that every subsequent journal after the previous one was burnt or deleted had some
improvements in introspection. However, I do not believe that any gains from perfectionism
are worth the pain and the effort. Perfectionism robs a person the joy of achievement.

I am now 24 and this would be my tenth journal if I was counting. I want to give up on my
perfectionism in this journal. I want to accept that I will never be perfect but perfectionism
feels like an itch. I am starting to think that the nature of perfectionism is to find faults rather
than working on honest improvements. I feel like this journal has the potential to break free
from the chains of perfectionism. I will make a diligent effort to articulate my thoughts as they
are. Perhaps this journal will be a physical resource for studying myself.

If I am embracing authenticity in this journal, I have to admit that another reason for
journaling besides self-exploration was to help me deal with suicidal ideation. Journaling as
a coping tool for suicidal thoughts became a secondary motive around my third and fourth
journals. The first journals were a blend of personal and spiritual insights. Suicide became a
passively constant and frequent theme in my mind. Hardly a month would go by without a
suicide related thought crossing my mind. Because of the perversiveness of suicidal
thoughts in my mind and because I was transferring those thoughts to my journals, suicidal
ideation took over my journals to be the dominant theme in all the remaining journals from
the fourth to the ninth.

Suicidal thoughts are a reason for self-hate and existential dissatisfaction. I believe that I
would have immense potential were it not for suicidal thoughts. I have believed that I would
die in every year since 2020 from an apparent suicide but it has never come to be. I thought
that since death was what would happen, I became disinterested in this life and alienated
from it. I thought that I would die this year and I think that I might die next year. Every journal
would be overrun by suicidal thoughts and the entries would become so morbid that they
would resemble suicide notes. When it reached this point, such a journal would be burnt or
deleted to escape the reality of those thoughts.

I will do my best to keep this journal from being overrun by suicidal thoughts. Suicide is not
the only thing in my mind and I will not allow it to cloud my mind entirely. There are many
moods and ambiences in my mind tangled together like strings. I have slowly and carefully
untangled the positive strings from the negative and they are the ones I present to the world.
I can savour every expression in my mind and I can predict how it will impact other minds. I
can see what promotes mental tranquility and social cohesion and what works for inner
turmoil and social disruption. Listening and honest effort to understand a person without
judgement and insinuating conclusions promotes their peace of mind. Domineering attitudes
and self-serving presumptions about people’s intentions works against inner peace.

In this journal, I will not shy away from what is in my mind. I will acknowledge the light and
the darkness, wisdom and foolishness, insight and blindness, intelligence and stupidity, love
and hate, gratitude and complaints. If there is anyone on this planet who is exempted from
such dichotomies, I am not that person.

Entry #2. God’s Influence

If I said I am a Christian, I would only be trying to soothe my soul. The Christian title is
loosely held in my mind and I have no problems with this fact. My religious identity is not as
critical to me as it is to some Christian fundamentalists. I would feel nothing if anyone
questioned my Christianity. What matters is what God says about me. I, however, honour my
Christian foundation and the Bible remains a critical asset for my spiritual insights. My mind
is perfectly transparent to God’s eyes and nothing can be hidden. I do not even desire to
hide anything from Him. I believe in consequences and I would not complain if I suffered for
my wrong doing.

I believe that my understanding of God is quite peculiar and slightly divergent from
conventional understanding of the Divine. When I think about it, God has created the
universe with near-infinite variability. He has created soft cotton and hard rocks, he has
created plants with awful odors and others with pleasant fragrances. He has created soft
petals as well as sharp thorns. He has created ferocious animals as well as docile creatures.
Sometimes the clouds sweep beautifully over the sky and other times they cover it with
threatening storms. Sometimes the sun is pleasantly warm and other times it’s scorching
hot. Sometimes the sky is blindingly bright and other times it’s softly lit. He has created
masculinity and femininity. He has created the mind which seems endlessly dynamic. From
all these, I see God as being very approachable and has an infinite capacity to understand
and sympathize. There is nothing surprising or strange to Him so that He could wonder how
it came to be.

I do not doubt God’s overwhelming glory and majesty but I do not also doubt that His mind is
the source of everything. God has created bacteria which I will never see and He has also
created me. God’s infinite mind would be infinitely capable of accommodating my personality
and how I feel most comfortable talking to Him. People have different ways of expressing
themselves to God and there is no form of expression God wouldn’t understand. I approach
God calmly and with an effort to express my thoughts to Him. I pray from my mind and never
verbally because I am more in my mind than anywhere else. It would feel quite unnatural for
me to pray audibly. I believe that my mind is the foremost element of my existence and by
presenting my mind to God, I feel like I am at the forefront of my engagement with Him.

My mind is the primary platform for my religious and spiritual engagements. Physical things
like my body are only tools to materialize what has been developed from the inside. Physical
expressions are just conclusions of mental processes. I believe that there is a central idea
which God uses to empower people to effect changes in the world. These idea can be about
leadership and administration, it can be about spiritual matters, it can be about families and
social issues, it can be about management of resources, it can be about children, it can be
about teaching, it can be about encouragement, it can be about volunteering, it can be about
the environment etc. Whichever idea God makes central to a person’s mind, He causes the
person to have significant potential in that area. This potential can be left to lie dormant or it
can be harnessed to supply the energy to make the world a better place, even if the world
will mean a handful of people.

Love is my central idea and I believe that it is energized by God. This love desires to see
everyone doing well and being free from any discomfort. This love desires gentleness,
peace, freedom and understanding. This love opens the eyes to see pain and the ears to
hear it. It opens the heart and the mind to sense distress. The idea is that no one should
suffer in silence or without help and encouragement. Even if the discomfort will not be
expressed, love will take note of it and do something about it. There might be an anxious
child trying to cross a busy road, love will do something about it. There might be a person
feeling judged and misunderstood, love will do something about it. There might be a person
struggling with a heavy luggage, love will do something about it. There might be a person full
of self-doubt and anxiety, love will do something about it. There might be an insect struggling
in water and drowning, love will do something about it. There might be a rock, stick or nail
lying dangerously on the path, love will do something about it.

In this idea of love, everyone is first of all loved before anything else. This idea of love might
seem too radical for some but that is the reality in my mind. The only requirement to be loved
is to have been created by God. This love strips away whatever people have acquired or
done in this life and leaves them at the core of their humanity. That humanity is what is loved
and not anything covering it. A person might be utterly impoverished but love will strip away
the concept of poverty and love them as if they were not poor. A person might be an
adherent of a different religion but love will strip away their religious label and love them as if
they belonged to one’s religion. The same is done to everything that covers the core identity
of being a human. Everyone is stripped off their acquired labels and they are like newborn
babies. The result is a love that cannot be hindered by any social, political, religious, cultural,
economic or personal factors. Identity markers are not dismissed or denied, they are simply
rendered incapable of obstructing love and well wishes for the individual.

Love is a side by side walk with God. Sometimes the mind perceives sorrows and suffering
which one can’t do anything about. Such instances call for humble prayers for the individual
to find peace and relief. There are some individuals who decline help or assert that they are
well even when they are not. In respect for their freedom and autonomy, humble prayers are
made for them too, that they will find peace. I believe that God would not have created what
he would despise. Every creature deserves love because they are products of God’s mind. If
there is any creature whose origin is not from God’s mind, love for it would be debatable.
There might be a drunk fellow passed out by the roadside. They are still my brothers and
sisters and there is a gentle prayer for them that they might find freedom from their issues.
There might be fellows with questionable characters in the society who do wrong and cause
harm; as much as there is faith in justice, there are also prayers for them that they might be
transformed to be better people.

What will I have to show God when I am weighed on His scales? I will show Him my heart
and mind and He will decide whether they are aligned with His nature or not. There is a
storm stirred by the strong winds of doctrines and beliefs about salvation. There are
important elements in the Christian understanding of salvation such as Faith vs Works,
Grace and Justification, Predestination vs Free Will and what not. These issues have been
significant enough to lead to the formation of different denominations. Now, where do I
stand? I do not stand anywhere. I believe that the Judge of all the earth will do what is right. I
also doubt that omniscience and infinite intelligence will bow down to human doctrines and
beliefs in judgement.

Entry #3. Unusual Feelings

I am feeling something strange that is difficult to express in writing. I feel empty and tranquil
at the same time. I feel something like sadness mixed with an equal proportion of silent joy. I
feel like I should be worried about something but at the same time I feel that there is nothing
to worry about. I feel like I should stop procrastinating about some things but I also feel like
time is on my side. I feel like everything will go wrong but I also feel that everything will turn
out fine. I am chuckling to myself when I think about the unusual nature of these feelings. My
mind is trying to process hurtful introspections but it is also processing thoughts of peace
and calmness. I am short on cash but I feel like I have enough.

It’s 10:15 PM and this room is extremely still. Nothing will move unless I move it. There is a
pile of books on the floor, some trash and some clothes. The room is untidy but not notably.
There are ashes on a paper on the table from the lavender incense sticks I was burning
earlier in the evening. I suspect that the scent from the lavender is the reason why I am not
seeing any insects around. I do not mind insects unless they are mosquitoes and
cockroaches. I talked to a friend over the phone 45 minutes ago. This friend has my praise
for having a pleasantly friendly tone in their voice. I have just seen a gecko move across the
floor. Geckos are welcome as long as they remain shy and unobtrusive.

In this silence, I have found a limited opportunity to engage in some spiritual thinking for a
short while. When I was reflecting on the stillness in this room and how silent this night is, I
thought to myself to wish everyone in this country peace and wellness. At that moment I
recalled the words of the angels when they were announcing to the shepherds the good
news of Jesus’s arrival on earth. I had the intention of using the angels’ words to wish
everyone peace and I will still use them. But before that, I have noticed that Luke 2:14 in
KJV is slightly different from most other translations which include the words, ‘peace among
those with whom he is pleased’. KJV and a few other translations read; ‘Glory to God in the
highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.’

The verse in KJV resonates with me more than the other translations because it seems to
wish peace upon all mankind. At that moment, Jesus had just arrived in the world in
response to God’s love for the world. John the Baptist identifies Jesus as the Lamb of God
who takes away the sin of the world. I doubt that the world is anything else but mankind.
Elsewhere, God demonstrates His love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died
for us. Additionally, Christ came to seek those who are lost. More than that, the father of the
prodigal son longed to see the return of his wayward son and he in fact, ran to meet Him. It
seems to me that God’s love is not operated on a switch or lever which is only activated
when people are good. Jesus said that God causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good,
and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. It seems that God’s love is always
constant and in operation.

As I reflect on my unusual feelings and the silence in this night, I wish peace upon everyone.
Peace upon those who are in the city and in the rural areas. Peace upon those who are in
comfort as well as those who are in distress. Peace upon those who have company and
those who are lonesome. We are all under the same darkness and in about seven hours, we
will all be under the same sun. If I am mindful of a gecko and insects, how much more
thoughtful should I be of my fellow human beings?

Entry #4. Losing to Urbanization

The natural world does not often pass me by but I am also not overly interested in it to the
extent of scientists and ecologists. It is enough for me to observe nature up close or from a
distance then I continue minding my own business. I prefer to live nature undisturbed but I
will pop out of my mind from time to time to observe it and interact with it when necessary.
There is a lament in my heart over the loss of biodiversity since my childhood. I hope that
most people are taking note of this loss even if they don’t often talk about it.

If in my childhood I noticed all the vegetation cover and all the creatures, those who are
older than me have definitely seen more of nature in their days. If they boast of the
biodiversity in their days, their pride is imprisoned in the past unless they live in rural areas
or plantations. In the present time, there is not much of nature to see in one’s neighborhood.

When I was around 4 or 5, I was going to school one morning when I heard the cooing
sounds of pigeons on some tall trees. I looked up to see them but I did not see any pigeons.
That scene was so serene that I can remember it to this day. I thought that the sounds of
pigeons were unique and awesome. I was small but the trees looked huge. There was
something to feel about the size perception and comparison. I was immersed in the moment
in my own childishness but I wish I were more self-aware to actively record that scene in my
mind.
When I was around 5 or 6 in a different kindergarten, the teachers took us on a short nature
walk to see a river. The river was less than 300 meters from the school. It was a pleasant
and memorable moment even if there was not much to see apart from the flowing water and
the gushing sound made by the small rapid caused by some rocks in the river. We were also
under the shade of large trees which created a notable scene.

In my younger days, I used to see dragonflies near rivers and I thought they looked cool and
majestic. I thought they looked like helicopters. The dragonflies had vibrant colors back then
and looked slightly larger. Dragonflies are a rare sight these days and they look pale and
frail. Butterflies were a common sight but because of how rare they have become, their
presence demands attention.

I can remember seeing a green-headed lizard a few times. I thought it looked too serious
and quite dangerous tapping its head on the tree trunk. If that lizard was not common in
those days, it’s possible that I will never see it again. I remember some adults throwing
stones at that lizard with all the might in their hands and I felt that what they did was wrong.
It’s a good thing that they never hit it.

Grasshoppers were a good source of entertainment for children as they tried to catch them
and feed them blades of grass. Grasshopper’s mouthparts looked weird to me and they still
do. I was a goody two shoes who tried to catch grasshoppers gently to avoid crushing them.
I hope that I never participated in the childish barbarity of plucking off grasshopper’s hind
legs. Ladybugs looked pleasant. I saw one ladybug about 6 weeks ago. As a child, I was
very glad to see two ladybugs together; I never knew they were mating.

There were toads and frogs in those days. I have not heard a frog croaking for a long while. I
saw a frog about seven months ago. Tadpoles are also becoming fewer. I used to go outside
to watch the bees collect nectar. I used to wonder at the yellow substance on the bees’ hind
legs. I have just found out that that is their pollen basket. It’s quite unfortunate that an entire
childhood will be completed without a few bee stings. Everyone deserves to be stung by a
bee from time to time. It’s something natural. It’s also not right for an entire childhood to be
completed without at least one occasion of skin rashes from caterpillars. It’s also unfortunate
for one’s childhood to be completed without several ant bites. What is truly unfortunate is
that these creatures are becoming fewer with each passing year.

I will be on the lookout for African Fruit Beetles next year to determine if they are also
declining. It’s very clear that they are on the decline because they are losing their habitats
and food source and I am just giving myself false hope. Fresh termite mounds had very good
clay for modelling but I never knew that I was destroying their hard work. There aren't any
more termite mounds to see. Squirrels were more common but not anymore. I haven’t seen
a yellow weaver bird in years. When I see one again, I will take note of the place and time of
the year.

It's unfortunate that children don’t get to climb trees anymore. There isn’t a wide category of
trees for children to start practicing tree climbing. Most suitable trees for introduction to tree
climbing have been cleared away for human settlements. There is something fulfilling about
being on top of a tree and knowing how to handle oneself up there in the branches and
leaves. There is something pleasant in experiencing the flexibility needed to navigate the top
of a tree. Most trees are too straight and boring to climb. There were trees with good
branching and broad canopies that provided the satisfaction of tree climbing. I climbed such
a tree about 3 weeks ago while on a 20-kilometer introspective walk. It was probably a
yellow flame tree.

It's quite sad that children have to be shown some of these creatures on the internet instead
of going outside to see them. I hope that the schools which have large compounds and
significant vegetation cover still have some of those creatures. Urbanization is growing
rapidly and natural abundance is pushed away in the process. The flats rose and the
creatures left. Rural areas are free to enjoy their biodiversity but urban sprawl is out to get
them.

I have special honor for environmental conservationists and activists. I think their goals are
noble and very honorable.

Update, Friday, 20 Dec 2024

I saw some white-browed sparrow-weaver birds but my focus remains on the speke’s
weaver.

Entry #5. Pain and Sorrow

I am not very fond of quotes and I do not believe in quoting people. If any quote is resonant,
I find it more fitting to integrate it into my life rather than repeating it and citing it. In spite of
this, there are two quotes which are hooked into my heart. They are probably the only two
quotes I have ever and will ever quote.
Disturbed’s lead vocalist, David Draiman: “Unfortunately, not everyone gets saved. Not
everyone survives the darkness. Life, no matter what the story books may tell you, is not
easy. Not everything is sweet. Sometimes, we have to look into the darkness in order to
dispel the darkness. Sometimes darkness can show you the light.”
Pope Francis: “If only we could cry when we have pain in our hearts.”

I have heard that it’s okay not to be okay. That applies to everyone else but not me. Not
being okay is like a sin to me. Vulnerability is like a disease. Acknowledging my pain is a
freedom that I will never exercise. My aversion to expressing pain is a state of being and I
don’t believe there’s anything I can do about it. It’s easier for me to endure pain than to
speak about it. I have seen my blood dripping to the ground three different times and there
was nothing much to feel about it. I was only a bit sad and upset that I had been injured.
There is a dread of being misunderstood and being burdensome. It’s easier to die than to be
berated for being unwell.

All the different times I have been told that it’s okay to not be okay were referring to very
trivial physical inconveniences which lack the capacity to disturb my peace. What they
couldn’t see were mental disturbances which remained hidden. I am a little bit removed from
my body and therefore, physical inconveniences don’t always mean anything. I’d like to
believe that my mind is transcendent of physical discomforts.
Real pain exists in the mind in the form of anxiety, perfectionism, procrastination, self-hate,
self-doubt, self-sabotage and suicidal thoughts. I fear that by acknowledging these things, I
will make them more real. But they remain real even if I ignore them and they continue
festering. They are shameful and weak things that I can never let anyone see nor even
sense. I will not look inside to see the darkness and I do not believe in tears.

Real pain exists in sweaty palms caused by performance anxiety that a certain task will not
be completed perfectly. I can feel non-existent judgement already disapproving of my work
even before I am done. Real pain exists in overthinking and overanalyzing a hypothetical
conversation to make sure that there won’t be any surprises in the actual talk. The result of
this is refusal to communicate and if there will be any talk, it has to perfectly align with the
other person’s unspoken expectations. Real pain exists in futile wishes for a death which
won’t cause grief. When things are at their worst, there are perspiring palms and feet, a mild
tension headache, racing thoughts, lies and long distance walking for isolation. Since I know
these things, I know how to empathize and validate what anyone might be feeling, even if it’s
an animal.

Entry #7. A Faulty Heart

I have shallowly examined my heart and found out that I do not bear a grudge against
anyone. Perhaps if I dug deeper into my mind I could find resentment against some people. I
can see a few possible reasons why I do not bear grudges.

I think that my capacity to tolerate people’s mistakes is too high. Some of the mistakes which
people complain about don’t even register as mistakes or inconveniences in my mind. One
primary example of this is related to forgetfulness. Most people are likely to be upset when
people forget agreements or appointments. I am fully convinced that forgetfulness is beyond
anyone’s conscious control. I doubt that a person can forget anything at will. Therefore, in
my judgement, if anyone honestly forgot an agreement, they didn’t do anything wrong no
matter how costly or inconveniencing their forgetfulness is. Forgetfulness is a common
excuse but I am always willing to give the benefit of the doubt because I am not a mind
reader to know the actual truth. There is also forgetfulness caused by negligence and lack of
commitment to responsibility. Negligence would overshadow the forgetfulness and the case
would be determined by the person's history of commitment to duty. If there was a way to
forget things intentionally, I would be willing to lose half a finger to learn that skill.

In my mind, mistakes are clearly distinguished from malice. From the dictionary; a mistake is
an act or judgement that is misguided or wrong while malice is the desire to harm someone.
Mistakes are readily forgivable from my heart because they do not involve deliberate
intention to cause harm. Malice is nearly impossible to forgive unless there’s an honest
turnaround from the ill intent. I doubt that I have ever directly experienced a genuine
instance of malice. Conflicting emotions, desires and opinions are what I mostly observe but
these are usually far from malice even if people get hurt. Perhaps adults don’t transcend
their emotions and they are still just like children but wiser and more experienced. I will
blame mistakes on the lack of relevant knowledge and information. The issue is black and
white in my mind; it’s either a mistake or malice and it’s almost always a mistake. Mistakes
are forgiven without apologies or informing a person of the mistake they made unless they
seem likely to repeat it unknowingly.

Another reason for my lack of resentments might be my detachment from physical things. I
do not feel too strongly about what is physical. Consequently, faults which are related to
material things aren’t usually significant to me. I can forgive debts even if I am aware that a
person is defaulting them. My belongings getting lost or damaged in someone’s hands
doesn’t mean anything unless there are hints of ill intent. There wouldn’t be any difficulty in
forgiving accidental injuries to my body. Unless there are instances of malice and
exploitation, faults which are physical in nature are almost negligible.

Another possible reason for my lack of resentments is that I subconsciously absolve a

person of the pain they caused me as soon as the pain starts to subside. By the time the
pain is fully abated, there is no one to blame nor any grudge to hold. Even if a person will be
fully forgiven for the pain they have caused, if the pain is severe enough, they will become
sources of anxiety. I might never be perfectly comfortable around such a person again and
there will always be an impulse to avoid them. Casual talks or even laughing with such a
person becomes almost impossible. I sadly know such a person and it takes a lot to be that
person. It takes a consistent combination of; lack of empathy, unwillingness to understand,
an overbearing attitude, constant fault-finding, self-righteousness, pride and a short temper.

Another reason why I don’t hold grudges is that sometimes, I internalize faults and mistakes
and blame myself. Sometimes self-hate whispers into my mind that I might be the problem,
the mess is mine, I am responsible and deserve to be mistreated. I sometimes get intrusive
imaginations where I am an invincible and ruthless character who can cut people down on a
whim. There are times when I pushback when a person becomes too much to deal with. The
result is an ugly beatdown of the other person’s emotions. I usually have the upperhand
because I can hammer into their minds the facts that they are wrong. Such incidents are
luckily rare because I will certainly be remorseful about it.

My lack of grudges and resentments is not an entirely noble thing. I interpret this to mean
that my heart is faulty in processing conflicts and people’s mistakes. Perhaps my
interpretation is wrong. Whatever the real issue is, I am regrettably very easy to exploit and
take advantage of.

Entry #8. Life Ethos

This is a dynamic and evolving list of my life principles started on Saturday, 14 Dec 2024.
Any changes will be added at the end together with the reasoning and the date. I will only
include principles which I currently live by, not aspirational ones.

i) Non-harm
Violence is obnoxious and extremely displeasing. It feels devoid of intelligence and wisdom.
I would be a fool and very stupid if I engaged in violence. I am quite glad that I never won
many childhood fights. I would be disgusted if I ever clenched my fists to throw a punch. If
violence is a necessity for protection and safety, there aren’t many other critical indicators of
a fallen world than that. I would willingly and gladly volunteer to die to escape a world which
relies on conflict and violence for peace and safety.

I am almost completely incapable of physical harm but not emotional harm. I can see how
being inconsiderate, apathetic and harsh can wound people’s hearts. I can see the pain
caused by bitter words and discouraging statements. I can see the pain caused by slander
and negative criticism. I will carefully weigh my words, actions and expressions to avoid any
instance of emotional harm on anyone.

There is an ant crawling along driven by its own biological imperatives. I am a colossal giant
before this ant and I can crush it without any consequences. But, what will I gain? Violence
against this ant is unnecessary and profitless. I don’t own this planet and this ant has a
rightful place in it as much as any other mammal. Its life is proportionally significant to itself
and other ants as much as mine is to myself and other humans. Being unable to see the
world through its eyes and senses does not invalidate the navigational instruments nature
has given it. I will respect this ant’s space as well as any other creature. I might encounter a
snake in the bushes, I am the one who has trespassed into its habitat and there is no need
for violence unless the snake wants a fight. I fear that there will be a day when I’ll be
pressured or coerced to slaughter an animal. I have in my mind emotionally wounding
defenses and disrespect to use as a response to that coercion. I can help in skinning but
taking the life of a harmless creature is beyond me.

ii) Debts
Repayment of a debt for which the money was borrowed out of a genuine financial need is
not mandatory. I can only expect full repayment if the money was borrowed for non-essential
purposes and not for urgent needs. The person who borrowed from me out of a genuine
need should ideally have some disposable cash left after they repay me. I prefer to defer the
repayment indefinitely until the person is financially comfortable to repay the debt. Unless I
am similarly in need, I won’t accept repayment if the borrower will remain in need.

The money which I have lent out to someone in financial difficulties is merely a tool to work
out some kindness. Because of this, there can be no strictness in repayment. It’s just that
the need is financial and money is the best way to lend a hand. In comparison, if I offer
emotional support to a person in psychological distress, I do not expect my emotional
support to be returned. If I help a person carry some heavy bags, I do not expect my energy
and time to be returned. The money, emotional support, energy and time are only tools to
work out some kindness depending on the nature of the need and the problem.

iii) Manual assistance

It is quite heartbreaking to see a fellow human being struggling with a heavy load while they
are nearly at the limits of their strength. I know what physical exhaustion feels like. I know
the burning sensation in the chest when one is nearly out of breath but still has to strain. I
know what muscle fatigue feels like when the hands are nearly giving out due to exhaustion.
Witnessing this physical struggle brings me to the center of my humanness and it's simply
unacceptable that a fellow human should struggle like that. I can almost feel the strain and
my energy will be freely given. The manual assistance involves carrying, lifting, pulling,
pushing and anything else which requires physical energy. Children and the elderly are the
priority recipients of this manual assistance. Some people offer me cash as a token of
appreciation but I must decline politely. Getting the person out of the physical strain is a full
reward in itself. A simple ‘thank you’ is more than enough and true appreciation lies in doing
a similar thing to someone else.

iv) Checkups driven by emotional observation

People try to keep neutral faces in public especially when they are going through challenges.
Their concealment isn’t always perfect and they show some emotions on their faces. I
cannot ask everyone how they are doing but there are some people who seem to be
struggling to keep everything from pouring out. It might not be appropriate to ask people how
they are doing in some instances, but when they seem overwhelmed and on the verge of a
breakdown, it's best to check up on them. I can see their teary eyes and their effort to avert
their gaze from others. I can see them slowly isolating. I can see them trying to focus their
attention in conversations. They look like they are trying to hold multiple thoughts
simultaneously.

When a person’s emotional distress is too much for me to ignore, I will inquire about their
well being and lightly share with them my observations. I am quite nervous of unfamiliar
women and girls. Checking up on them requires more effort and courage compared to men.
In my observation, women and girls are more likely to have teary eyes under emotional
distress compared to men. They are also more likely to deny their experiences. I have to
respect their freedom and all I can do is hope their situation improves. I also hope that they
have other people who they can share their problems with.

v) Children
Children need to play and have fun. I am not one to interfere with children's fun activities no
matter how messy they are, provided that the play is safe and the children are respectful of
each other. I don’t mind children messing with me but I prefer to observe them from a
distance.

I believe that curiosity is how nature tricks children into learning about their environment and
being interested in their world. Nature equips animals with instincts adapted to their anatomy
and habitats and they only need a few practices to perfect their skills. Something like a bird
flying, a spider weaving a web, a bird building a nest, or a monkey climbing a tree looks
effortless. Curiosity is a fitting equipment for human beings considering our intelligence,
capacity to think and learn and our dependence on knowledge. Interfering with children’s
curiosity is a great disservice to them. Curiosity is what makes learning easier and
enjoyable. Any child can ask me an unlimited number of questions and they will all be
answered to the best of my ability. I will even allow a child to try some tools and press some
buttons even if most adults don’t like it.

vi) Requests
I can grant anyone any request provided that it is reasonably within my capacity to fulfil, I
have been requested politely and I do not suspect that I am being used or exploited. It is
very rare that I will deny anyone their request. Therefore, when anyone attempts to order me
around, they are only provoking a subtly disrespectful denial of their directives. I wonder why
they can’t tell that politeness will open doors for them easily without any resistance. Even if a
request was made by a child, I would attend to it if it was made politely.
vii) Listening
I have thought about this for a while and listening is a virtue worth having as a life principle. It
might not seem like much but listening carries great significance. Listening is a channel to
another person’s mind. I think listening is a virtue rooted in love. Loved people are listened
to, others are just heard.

Hearing is just a part of listening. There are other crucial parts like applying effort to
understand what the speaker intends to mean. It's saddening when people misconstrue
someone’s words because they want to understand the statement the way they want to and
not how the speaker intends. If I would force my own interpretation onto someone’s words
and discard their intended meaning, I’d rather not listen to them.

Another essential part of listening, and indeed a primary reason for it, is to complete the
process of communication. I have observed a few times the virtue of listening being abused.
This was when the listeners were paying attention for the sole purpose of finding faults in the
speaker's words to have a basis for judgement and criticism. They would pounce on every
small logical inconsistency and dissect it to their own prideful satisfaction. Those were
interrogations and not communication. If I am only listening to find faults, I should stop
listening. This is a more honorable way to break down communication than through
judgement and criticism.

Another part of listening is aiding the speaker in their articulation by paying attention,
showing effort and willingness to understand, allowing full expressions of thoughts without
interruptions and by discussing important statements. I have observed that listening releases
a stream of thoughts from a person’s mind which are then expressed in words one after the
other freely and effortlessly. Some people get too excited in sharing their stories but there is
never enough time to listen to all they have to say.

viii) Equality
I firmly believe in universal brotherhood and sisterhood. Being human is the primary factor.
Everything else is secondary and would be burnt up if it tried to supersede the primacy of
being human. Looks, intelligence, race, nationality, education, gender, religion, personality,
age, personal beliefs, social rank and culture are all secondary things and they will never
overshadow the pre-eminence of being human. Every human is a brother or a sister to me.
I would not honor a president more than a poor man in torn clothes. I would not honor an
elderly person more than a child. If I will not honor both of them equally, I will equally disdain
them. The world has metrics of honor but everyone ends up as a corpse, decaying and left
behind in a dark grave. The only dishonorable person is one who acts maliciously in words
or actions. If I had the power, I would make every human equal or superior to me in
everything.

Entry #9. A Diary Experiment

I don’t like diaries but I can see their usefulness in expressing current experiences as they
are. Diaries are too vulnerable and too bare. I keep some experiences a short distance
away even from myself. I will force myself to write one diary page in this journal right now to
see what it will look like a few weeks from today. I have never written a diary but how hard
can it be? I only need to type my thoughts as they come in real time without any deliberation
and be absolutely honest. People who keep diaries are too comfortable with themselves.

A Diary attempt; Tuesday, 17 December 2024

The current time is 6:43 PM. I am at church doing nothing; correction, I am typing this diary.
It’s getting dark and I should start heading home. I have been feeling empty the whole day.
There was a spark of introspective insight in the morning but it got lost. I can’t even
remember what it was about. I started writing something in this journal in an attempt to feel
something but I have deleted all of it because it was not genuine. Because of my
perfectionism, the appearance of anything disingenuous in this journal risks the deletion of
the entire journal.

I have just remembered that I was supposed to send some photos to some people but I
forgot. This line of thought feels so out of place and irrelevant. My thought processes are
blank apart from the one expressing this blankness. Writing a diary page is too difficult. I will
never do this again. My journaling is far better because it’s just the articulation of long held
thoughts, experiences and introspections.

It’s 7:00 PM and I am still at church and alone. I think most people don’t like being alone
without a reason. My mind made peace with loneliness though I rarely feel lonely. I prefer to
be alone, by myself most of the time. If I am around people, it’s for their sake and not for my
own benefit. That would sound like an insensitive thing to say. I just remembered my
elevated vantage point for gazing at the city lights in the town below a long distance away.
It’s a nice view. I think I will go there after this to connect with the town dwellers in my
imagination even if we will never truly connect.

I am at church but not specifically for spiritual reasons. I am just here. What do people mean
when they have special moments for connecting with God like on Sundays or just some
other day in the week? They know how they relate with God and I know how I relate with
Him. I don’t want to think about it but there might be something going on with the idea that
God is everything. I don’t remember where I heard this but they might be onto something.
This has potential for great profundity and depth. Has heaven existed eternally as God? If
not, in what or where did He dwell before creating His abode? If the universe had a
beginning, does this mean God might not live in the universe? Perhaps this is where realms
and dimensions come in to explain what the physical reality cannot address. But even if
there are realms and dimensions, does God occupy space in those dimensions? Perhaps
space and time are irrelevant concepts in those realms. There will always be some fellow
somewhere who claims to know these things. I wonder if God told them or they are only
making educated guesses just like me. Some of them will claim to have heard near death
experiences of those dimensions. Now, when they give conflicting reports of their
supernatural trips, who will we believe? This is why I say and will always say that it takes
death to know. If I can accept that God is infinitely greater than I am, there is no need to
speculate on His affairs which He hasn’t revealed. If He chooses to share His personal
secrets someday, He will do so at His own discretion.
Everything is connected to God because He created all things. If God would deny any part of
creation, that denied element would be severed from that connection. The world feels
somewhat alienated from God. I would ironically blame religion because of being too
performative and too prescriptive. I am not claiming to be closer to God than anyone else but
I desire for a simple connection to God. Why does religion bring so many rituals in
connecting with a God who is everywhere even in people’s minds? If I am not self-existent,
my life is constantly in God’s hands. If God knows when a bird drops dead from the sky, it
might imply that His awareness is so all-encompassing that He might be constantly aware of
everything. With such a level of awareness, I feel like reaching out to God is just a matter of
directing thoughts towards Him and He will take note of them instantly. Can it get simpler
than that? I believe infinite intelligence and omniscience could understand a person’s entire
mind from a single simple thought. There are no problems with expression and how to say
things because God does not need clarity and coherence like humans. He can see the heart
and mind plainly to understand what a person desires to say. It just gets easier. I however
respect all the ways people connect with God. No one says ‘my way or no way’ better and
more boldly than religion.

It’s 7:46 PM, I can hear crickets and a clock ticking. I have just remembered a line from the
song ‘In the End’ by Linkin Park where Mike Shinoda sings, “time is a valuable thing. Watch
it fly by as the pendulum swings, watch it count down to the end of the day, the clock ticks
life away” and Chester Bennington concludes it as, “it’s so unreal”. It’s indeed unreal how
every second brings people closer to their deaths. How many more seconds do I have? I
heard David Draiman saying that he was nearly close to being one of those who have sadly
fallen by suicide in one YouTube video. I am glad he is still around. Every suicide means
something to those who have dealt with those thoughts even if the suicide is a stranger. I
have had a long break from suicidal thoughts. I should be reveling in this moment before
they return. The time is 8:05, I’m going home.

Update
A diary has advantages in capturing current emotions and experiences even if they are
fleeting. There might be some benefit in recording notable daily experiences every now and
then. I will use this new insight to combat my perfectionism by minimizing the need for
structure. I will combine the diary format with the journal format to have a blend of
immediacy, flexibility, organization and natural disorder to create a more detailed picture of
my mind. Since the rigidity in my journaling style is coming to an end, I will have the freedom
to add updates at the end of my journal entries to record new developments as they arise.

Entry #10. The Shame

I have just had a large breakfast this morning but I don’t feel so satisfied with it even if I am
fully satiated. I met some street people on the way but I did not share my breakfast with
them but I had considered it. I just passed them by. Ignoring them when I had the chance to
share my food is very contrary to what I believe in. The world will never improve without
deliberate effort to change it. What becomes of my belief in universal brotherhood and
sisterhood with such selfishness? Maybe I am a hypocrite. Perhaps I am being too
self-critical. I think the reason why I did not help any of them is because of my
self-consciousness in public. Sharing food is a very personal matter which requires privacy.

Entry #11. What’s Inside

I keep trying to find what is inside of me but I do not find anything. I feel like all my
introspections are efforts to outrun the emptiness in my heart. My journaling is an effort to
create meaning out of the meaninglessness in my heart. I feel like all of my love,
compassion and empathy are for covering this emptiness. Love provides a platform for
connecting with others even if I cannot express my love verbally to anyone. Love provides
some meaning and purpose for this life.

This emptiness has ruined my life by drying out motivation and ambition. I cannot participate
in this life to the same extent that the average person can. There is no drive, direction,
dreams nor goals. I would be despised if the desolate state of my heart was found out. I feel
alienated from the typical life anchors that ground people to this life. The first anchor is
money. I do not feel anything about money whether I have it or not. Money is the heartbeat
of survival in this world and people must get it wherever and however they can. I suspect
that I would be living a life of extreme minimalism if I wasn’t under my parents’ financial
support. I am quite sure that I will die before I understand the real value the world has placed
on money. Another anchor is relationships. My heart constantly drifts away from people and
tends towards isolation. It’s only that I connect with people naturally and the connections
sustain themselves, I would otherwise be a recluse. Romantic relationships require too much
nurturing and they are often too volatile. I prefer to observe them from a distance.

I would lay bare my neck to the Grim Reaper’s scythe but I cannot find death unless I look
for it. What’s this life for? What was I born for? People glory in a long life but I am content
with my two decades and a half. I absolutely despise this life. I will have utterly failed myself
if I won’t have died out of this stupid and miserable world by next February.

Words are not enough to express how much I hate conflict and anger. Anger is an extremely
loathsome emotion to me. It ruins my soul to its core. If I had the power, I would eradicate
anger from the human emotional spectrum. Anger is an obnoxious, foul and senseless
emotion. It’s demonic in nature in my estimation. I would rather be crushed by a truck to
smithereens than be enslaved to a short temper. If I could actually be dead within two
months from now, I would save my soul from so much pain and inner turmoil.

Death is the fix I need. I am done with trying to find a quiet place for myself in this horrible
world. I will give in to suicidal thoughts. They are not something to deal with but allies to
propel me out of this life. I will not let consideration for anyone’s grief keep me trapped in this
world anymore as it has done for the last six years. I thought that this December would be a
good and peaceful time for me but it’s all ruined. I will bid my time and let everyone celebrate
their holiday without grief then I’ll depart. I am too incompatible with this life. I am a plant in a
desert but I am not a xerophyte. Wilting and drying up is all that will happen to me. It’s a
natural outcome. How I wish that I could die today.
Update, Thursday, 19 Dec 2024, 5:54 AM
Yesterday was intense but the suicidal thoughts have subsided. The fact that it's December
means that I cannot act on them no matter how difficult it gets. Even if the suicidal thoughts
aren’t intense, I still wish to depart from this world. I will always be open to death even when
things are good. I might have been inconsiderate to think that I won’t consider anyone’s
grief. Living for others is not a life at all. They have their own life and they are well pleased
with it. Grief is a natural part of life for all who are connected to someone in some way. I
don’t want to live for anyone. What obligation do I have to live for anyone? Is anyone
obligated to live for me? If there is someone whose wellbeing is fully dependent on me, I
would feel obligated to live for them. I wouldn’t want anyone to live their life for me.

I don’t want to forget yesterday's pain but I always forget when the pain ends. If I could, I
would cling to that pain to function as a fuel for suicidal thoughts. February is a month and
some weeks away. I want to see what my mental state will be like in February. I think that if I
experience what I felt yesterday from February onwards, that will be my end.

I have been reflecting on how access to means of suicide impacts suicide rates. I concur that
limiting access to means of suicide has tangible results in reducing suicides. If I always had
access to a handgun, I would have probably died years ago. Lacking access to the lethal
efficiency of a gun doesn’t mean I won’t find other ways if I am determined enough. The only
consideration is pain, reliability of the method, and the extent of physical damage.

I have never felt any physical pain or sickness which could distress me as much as
witnessing anger and conflict. Perhaps something is wrong within me that makes me so
averse to conflict and anger.

Update; Thursday, 23 January 2025

February is 8 days away. I am mentally prepared to die but I think there will be some delays.
I cannot do anything until I fulfill my agreement to make booklets for the Sunday school. The
Sunday school department is yet to give me the books from which I'll make the booklets. I'll
stick around until I complete that work. I expect it to delay my plans by about two weeks. The
problem is that I don't know when I'll get the books. I hope they won't take long.

Ropes are much cheaper than I expected. I'll need a clean new rope about 3 meters long. I'll
buy it from a distant hardware store when the time comes.

Update: Saturday, 25 January 2025

I don't think I'll be able to wait until I get the books. I'll regrettably have to forsake my
agreement with the Sunday school and refund the money which they had sent to purchase
the printing materials.

Entry #12. The Daydream

I want to imagine the connection I could have with a fellow human who has been stripped off
their identity markers and whose ideologies and philosophies are shared thoughtfully without
imposition. In my mind; a person is the fusion of their heart and mind leading to the
convergence of thoughts and emotions. People are too complex to comprehend them fully.
People are judged by the little they show the world and that little is taken to conclude their
entire being. This happens even if only a tiny fraction of people’s thoughts and feelings will
ever be known. In my daydream, I want a person to be nothing and everything.

I will start designing such a person in my mind and in my imagination we will explore the
world together and think about it. The person has a name but it doesn’t mean anything to
me. People are more than their names. A name to me is just an identifier of a particular living
person and not a representation of their being. I am not my name and I would still be me
even if my name wasn’t known. My name doesn’t make me me. The person has a face and
a body but these also don’t mean anything. People are not their faces or bodies. A face is
just the image that represents the body and the body is just the system that connects the
mind to the world. This person has an age but it doesn’t mean anything. If the person is old,
their experience of the world might be valuable and if they are young, the freshness of their
youth might allow for original thoughts about the world. The person has cognition but it’s only
a tool for interacting with the world. Their level of intelligence does not matter, they only need
to be able to think and feel in whichever way they can. Now that I have separated this
person from their most immediate labels such as name, face, body and intelligence, anything
else about them is easy to remove.

In my design of this person, I do not intend to nullify what is core to their being such as their
culture, religion, beliefs and experiences. What I desire is for them to show me their inner
world like a painting in an art gallery. My distaste is not with identity markers themselves but
in how they overshadow the core being of a person. I want a person who is first and
foremost a human before they are overtaken by their social and economic status, race,
gender, nationality, political affiliations, level of education, appearance, personality, culture,
religion, age, intelligence and whatnot. A person is first a human, then they are poor or rich.
First human, then male or female. First human then their race. First human then their
nationality. First human then their religion.

This person is now complete and perfect. We can now explore the world together. I want to
remove this person from the world and take them to the clouds. Perhaps when we are above
the earth, we can better appreciate the intricacy of human life and we will know how not to
judge before we understand. From the clouds, the person can show me their country and
home and we can learn of the cultures native to their homeland. After that we can look at the
adjacent countries to compare the differences in beliefs. What I see are beautiful infants
born into the world without anything and they are quickly owned by what they find in the
world. I and this person are different because we own what we found in the world and not
the other way round. We own our religion, our culture and our experience. These do not own
us and we are free in the clouds.

With this person, we are like little children who don’t have the burden of being watchdogs to
societal expectations. I can taste the simplicity and joy of existence in this connection. There
is no question to one who desires to walk barefoot if they so please. There is no question to
one who desires to swing on trees if they so please. But the real world is not like this, people
are enslaved to their so-called “good manners” which aren’t always about etiquette but
restrictions. People are owned by their communities and societies and they must live in
deference to it or face the consequences of judgement without understanding.
With this person, our minds and hearts are like children sharing with each other the different
flavors of their sweets so that each child can get a taste of the flavor they don’t have.
Without judgement and with full acceptance, I would wish to see this person’s mind and how
it interprets the world and its position in it. In return, I would share my mind with them to their
satisfaction showing them how I think and see the world.

As I conclude my daydream, the person I have designed vanishes from my mind and I am
pulled down from the clouds to the real world. In this place, I must behave and speak in a
certain way. There are societal norms which must be followed to find acceptance and
respect. There are some things which need to be said but the lips remain sealed because
there will be judgement for speaking. Strangers are not important unless they are in need or
I am in need of their help. There are people who rule other people because people need to
be ruled. Some people just like ruling and they would kill for it. Some actually kill for it. Some
abuse others emotionally to keep their control over them.

Five days ago I saw a boy intending to beat up his age mate just because he asked for his
playthings back. I stopped the fight but I was deeply disturbed about it. Maybe the madness
starts from a young age. Material things possess people and one would kill for them. People
have been killing for possession, they are still killing and they will continue to kill. Even if
things don’t escalate to murder, there is still worker exploitation and secret means of
isolating resources to a few hands. Even if the world had enough for everyone, there would
still be people who would desire more for themselves at others’ cost. I wonder if this planet is
poor.
I don’t care about wealth unless it makes some people more important than others. I refuse
to honor anyone because of their wealth.

Maybe my daydream of utopian connections exists beyond this life but people have already
dictated what happens after death through their religions. There is no escape from control
whether one is alive or dead.

Entry #13. A Dilemma

I will create a hypothetical social dilemma to see what I would do about it.

For my thought experiment, I have a fenced homestead and a fruit tree whose branches
have spread out to my neighbors’ home. The tree is more fruitful on my neighbor's side than
on mine. Additionally, most of the fruits on that side hung well below the fence so that I
cannot easily reach them even if I climb the tree.

The full exploration of this dilemma will be difficult because it relies on too many
assumptions. I do not feel like creating all the possible variables that affect this situation but
there is a key question; who owns the fruits? I find this question amusing and very
interesting. How can I own the tree, its roots and trunk and not own the fruits? But, how does
my neighbour not own the fruits if I need to go to their home to get them? Unless I asked for
my neighbor’s permission to enter their home to get the fruits, I would be trespassing their
property.

The question of fruit ownership is debatable and has potential for creating resentment
among neighbors. I wonder if property laws would make a decision that satisfies everyone.
There are some tree owners who would cut the branches on their neighbor’s side or even
the whole tree. They would rather have nothing than for their neighbor to have something.

I would not be able to ignore the fact that my neighbor has most of the fruits even if I tried
not to think about it. Instead of being silently bothered, I would talk with my neighbor about it
to hear what they think of the matter. I would be quite upset if my neighbor expressed selfish
entitlement over the fruits. I would leave the fruits in their possession but not in my good
graces. However, if my neighbor is amicable about the matter and does not express
entitlement, I would joyfully surrender the fruit’s ownership to them with just a humble
request that they should share some of the fruits with me since I don’t have much.

A neighbor is infinitely worth more than fruits which come and go with seasons. Peace with
one’s neighbors is almost equal to inner peace.

Update; Wednesday, 25 Dec 2024

I have been thinking about this dilemma and it's not as easy as I thought. I am
second-guessing my capacity to give away those fruits. Peace with the neighbor is
paramount but it's also normal to feel some attachment to the fruits. How can I have less
fruits from my own tree? How would I feel having less from the tree season after season
while my neighbor takes most of them?

The resolution of this dilemma would depend on my neighbor's attitude to some extent. If the
neighbor is a thoughtful and understanding person, the issue could be permanently solved in
one sitting.

I take back my earlier thoughts on how I would handle the situation. I don't want to think
about it. This is an imaginary problem after all. If I ever find myself in such a situation, I will
think about it then.

I can see how this dilemma relates to similar issues on property ownership and distribution
of resources. Resentment and dissatisfaction rarely lack in such problems. It's something
about scarcity and human nature.

Entry #14. Something to Show

I have been sailing my mind to find something which will make me whole but I haven’t found
anything. I can never let anyone see the hole inside my heart because I fear that they
wouldn’t understand. I wish that I had something to show them from inside of me. The most
effective way to mask what I feel is by perfecting my conversations and interactions with
people. If I can make it seem like we are having an engaging conversation with mutual
understanding and a small measure of natural disagreements, I will be able to hide the rest
of my mind from them.
No one notices that I do not have anything of my own to say because I will always be the
copilot to their thoughts. We will talk about whatever they want until we run out of time or
until there is nothing more to say. I only need to keep people talking and they always have
something to say. I know what topics to touch on so that it seems like I am fully engaged in
the conversation. We must talk more about them than about me because there is nothing
about me to talk about. I can feel a sudden change in my mind when I am the center of
attention and I cannot have that.

I speculate that this void is the reason for my extreme aversion and sensitivity to anger and
conflict. Other people have stable inner selves and they are capable of handling conflicts
and insensitive disagreements. I am completely dependent on harmony to interact with
people. Engaging with people without a sense of this harmony becomes awfully distressing
and I must avoid them at all costs. Maintaining my mental peace is like carefully balancing a
stack of blocks. After I have achieved a height of which I can be proud with these blocks,
anger and conflict arrive and kicks them to the ground. I would rather never see a human
again than be involved in conflicts with them. Inside this void, any interference with my
peace of mind is extremely destructive. It means death to me since there is nothing which
spikes suicidal thoughts like anger and conflict. I already don’t like living, conflict only makes
me eager to die.

I feel more estranged when I think of how people have so many things going on for them.
They have interests, hobbies and dreams. They have something to live for, something to be
grateful for each day, something that makes them want to wake up in the morning and
something that makes them critical of death. I created social media accounts to find
something that would interest me but it has all been in vain. I need to motivate myself to play
video games and movies are so burdensome. I only hope that my love is real. Even if I don't
have anything, I can at least say that I loved people.

I am like a machine that is temporarily out of service due to some technical difficulties. A
person with a broken machine cannot be too confident in their equipment services. I cannot
be confident with myself because I know how I can make things go wrong. I am in my mind
trying to fix things and when I'm done, I'll show the world the real me. I just need a little more
time and space to work things out. I can be like everyone else if I find a reason for this life. It
has taken years but I am still trying. I must keep the world outside of my mind because it
wouldn't understand. The image I have given it should be enough until I am done.

Update; Sunday, 22 December 2024

The last paragraph might not be entirely honest. I haven't been doing anything to improve
myself. I don't even know if I want to improve. I can envision the power, the confidence and
the assertiveness I could have if I changed but I feel held back from striving to that vision.
What for? It's not like this world is mine. Those who own the world can have their way in it
but I am estranged from it.

I feel like a visitor who maintains their place politely and courteously in the home they have
visited. They cannot be too comfortable or active in another's home. I doubt that I have a
place in this world. I feel like I have been hosted here for a few years then I'll leave. If I don't
believe that I'll make it to 30, I can hardly be invested in life like someone who expects to
attain old age. Their residency in the world is more permanent than mine and they have
every reason to make themselves comfortable in this life.

Whether I live or die, I am under human judgement because I am in their world. In life, I
would be under their judgement because of my passive engagement with life and my
abnormality in lacking dreams and ambitions. In death, I would possibly be under their
judgement if I died by suicide. I have largely escaped judgement in life because of the
acceptable image I have presented to the world. I wouldn't be able to escape judgement
from suicide because it's not easy to hide it. If I could die without leaving any clue that it was
self inflicted, I definitely would.

There are times when a stray thought of walking away from civilization crosses my mind. I
would travel to a remote and uninhabited location and live there. Death would result from
one of the many possible causes. Perhaps starvation or thirst, wild animals attack, sickness
without medical intervention worsened by hostile environmental conditions or maybe fatal
accidents from falls or drowning.

I feel irredeemable because I don't know what getting better looks like. Even if I reached out,
there is no vision to work for. I guess my mind is too distorted to imagine any changes. My
pessimism has always overshadowed other people's wisdom and optimism. When I hear
them speak of self-empowerment, I imagine them speaking from the surface while I am in a
hole but I cannot hear them. I am so far down. There is no wisdom, insight or common sense
in this hole. Even if I can imagine what guidance wisdom would offer, its difficult to put it into
action. The only thing in this hole is acceptance of futility after struggling. The resignation is
followed by efforts to make oneself comfortable in the hole.

Hopelessness is a form of pain. It's always accompanied by a blinded vision of what could
be so that the pain is worsened when one thinks of what they'll never have.

Entry #15. Darkness vs Light

I think the negative elements in this journal outweigh the positive elements. This journal
reflects what's on my mind but I don't want to accept this darkness. I thought that I would
acknowledge the darkness and the light in my mind but I now want to deny it. This can't be
me. No one knows me like this. What if I could say that this journal is made up and there's
no truth in it? Does denying a disease cure it?

This feeling of emptiness has persisted for too long. It feels like my mind is being drained
out. My thoughts are shallow and slow. My daydreams are no longer exciting. These
thoughts and daydreams are too dull and monotonous. Maybe I need to sleep for a while or
force myself to play some games. I feel blank.

Entry #16. Random Thoughts

I have noted that the passage of time feels very slow when I'm asleep. A few minutes of
sleep feel like hours. When I think that I have slept a whole night, I wake up to find that it's
12 or 1 AM.

Perfectionism has encroached my entertainment. Games have lost their appeal to me but
whenever I play games, the scores must be perfect. I am unable to overlook an imperfect
score in games and I am unable to continue the next level unless I get that perfect score. I'd
rather uninstall a game and miss all the other unplayed levels than withstand a level that isn't
completed perfectly.

It's also very weird that I cannot play games which have been installed by other people even
if I want those games. I must first uninstall the game, redownload it even if the setup is
already available and then install it myself. It's only then that the game will be acceptable to
my mind so that I can play it.

It has become increasingly difficult for me to watch videos of any kind. Videos are an integral
part of digital media. Videos are to digital media what electrons are to atoms. Just the
thought of watching a movie is tiring and I always need prep time. Sleeping, thinking,
daydreaming and walking are more preferable to watching things.

Entry #17. Fear

I believe that the existence of fear is dependent on an expectation of harm whether physical
or emotional. There is a belief or awareness of what can cause physical or emotional harm
but unless there is an expectation of direct encounter with those causes, fear cannot be felt.
I know that a lion can harm me but unless I encounter it, I cannot fear it. A certain route
might have violent thugs but unless I'm on that route, I cannot fear them.

There is also another factor which influences the perception of fear. That is, how easily one
can handle a particular danger or potential cause of harm. Little fear will be felt if one is
confident that they can handle a particular risk safely. I would be fearful of dealing with a
large aggressive snake but not a small one fleeing from me. However, if I'm very close to the
small snake and it's not in my sight, I would fear for my safety.

Love also affects the perception of fear. A person will fear for the safety of their loved one
just as much as they would fear for their own safety. A mother will be shocked by her child's
accident just as much as she would be if she was involved in it herself.

I am very careful never to let anyone be afraid of me. I would be very ashamed of myself if I
learnt that anyone fears me. Being feared would mean that a person believes and expects
some form of harm from me. This is very contrary to my conviction of non- violence. I'd
rather endure disrespect and mistreatment than bear knowing I'm feared. I know what
fearing people feels like. The understanding of how much emotional damage they are
capable of and the powerlessness of being in that position. How cruelly their harsh words
injure the soul. The fury in their faces and the temper in their voice. Dying is a prestigious
alternative to being the person who damages other people's minds and souls.
Update; Thursday, 26 Dec 2024
I have noticed some difficulty in articulating my thoughts. It has become more difficult to put
thoughts into words. I think the clarity of my written thoughts is 60-70% of my mental clarity.

Children are naturally cautious of people. The connections they form with people are more
natural than those of adults. Adults’ connections aren't always pure. They are sometimes
motivated by personal benefit and disingenuous diplomacy. I desire for natural connections
with children. Children get to see the real me though there's a little more effort to be kinder
and gentler with them than adults. Because of the preciousness of children, they are the last
people on earth I'd want to fear me.

Ideally, I should be perfectly approachable to any child without the slightest hint of anxiety or
nervousness. I can feel the fear in children's hearts when they make mistakes and I am
compelled to help them. Mistakes are a part of learning and I must steer them away from the
perfectionism that ruins my mind. Children should be taught that mistakes are not a part of
themselves but an external mishap. I design mistakes and make them with children
deliberately just to show them that fear is not the only thing to feel about mistakes. Just to
show them that it's not always that they'll be judged and punished for making mistakes. I'd
like them to believe in forgiveness and tolerance. I'd like them to believe in the possibility of
handling mistakes with calmness and clear thinking. Punitive actions against children will
never drive human imperfection from their human nature.

Update; Monday, 6 January 2025

My nephew dropped my phone while he was handing it to me. I was almost upset until I
sensed his fear. Fear makes me uncomfortable even if I am not the one feeling it. I had to
comfort my nephew that mistakes happen. Fear is a negative emotion that warns creatures
of potential harm. I want to imagine a world with no harm.

Entry #19. An Outsider

Wednesday, 1 January 2025

I am pulled farther from this world in my mind every day and I don't think that this year will be
any different. 2025 is 2 hours and 39 minutes old and loneliness is already trying to grip my
heart. I would never admit even to myself that I am lonely. I wouldn't even acknowledge that I
have the capacity to experience loneliness.

The world was celebrating the New Year with jubilations and fireworks. It seemed nice. I
haven't wished anyone a happy new year and I don't want to be wished too. There are some
people I haven't talked to in a long while and I probably won't. It's unexplainable. I don't burn
bridges, it's just that I feel unworthy of walking on those bridges. I envy how people have
automatic and seamless interactions with others. Their ease in talking with people seems
instinctual. I need to know what I am saying, why I am saying it, how I am saying it, how it
will be received, how it might be understood, who I'm saying it to and what effect it might
have.
I am ashamed of what I feel, so I can never let any person have a clue. People have better
people to talk to than me.

I am on the outside looking in, the world knows what it wants and knows what it should do. I
am unfocused and listless. I feel like a foreigner. I cannot relate to my peers’ interests.

There's something in the world about fashion, hair cuts, dressing, money, assertiveness,
romance, movies, social media and fun activities that I don't get. I can see them but I don't
understand. I am too plain. I'm like a rock that moves only when it's moved.

Entry #20. Like a Ritual

I always kneel when I pray if I am completely alone. I don't know why other people kneel but
I consider it an act of submission and reverence to the superior power that formed me. I
must be alone when I'm kneeling because it's a private spiritual engagement with God. No
one can witness it.

Whenever I'm kneeling to pray, my pockets must be empty and I should preferably be
barefoot. In my mind, emptying my pockets symbolically severs me from material
possessions. Material things feel like a hindrance to connecting with God especially if they
are not natural. Since God is the source of all things, I do not need to have anything in his
presence. My mind is all that's needed.

Entry #21. Before the World

I can see the world, it has many minds, many hearts and many different ways of seeing
things. How I wish that the whole world was one even if there are many different thoughts on
any single case. Some people follow their own judgement - people are wrong simply
because they don't think like them. People are right and approved simply because they have
similar views.

I think there is too much effort in philosophy and religion in studying different things that they
sometimes make it too abstract. I prefer what is naturally on a person's mind first before they
refer to what they have been taught.

I believe everyone has the capacity to process a natural thought without fully relying on what
they have heard from others. Thoughts don't arise from other people's thoughts. It's just that
people’s thoughts are influenced by other people's thoughts from childhood.

I want to be judged by the entire world because I know their judgement will be turned against
themselves since they cannot be one in their thoughts. I think philosophical people are
thrilled with different views which they can use their ideas against. It's like a game to them.
Entry #22. End of the Line

I feel like a weed in a farm - but a useful weed at times. Everyone else is a crop and they
have a place in this world. I don’t want to be in this world anymore. I don’t even know if I
have ever wanted to be in it. I want to imagine death, perhaps it will be a preparatory
introduction to my mortality.

I will not strive for this life anymore. This world has no place for me. Forgetting all the
reasons why I should leave this world is not a reason to keep on staying. I will concentrate
all my energy to live till the end of this month, then I’ll consider my options. I will have to
suppress my empathy and consideration for what others will feel otherwise I’ll never die.

Update; Tuesday, 7 January 2025

I visited the cemetery and strolled around the place for about two hours. I did not feel
anything about being in the cemetery. It was a regular place to me just like any other. My trip
to the cemetery was part of an effort to desensitize myself to death. I wasn't surprised that I
was already quite detached from the idea of death. There were about 4 or 5 different
funerals going on while I was there.

I met a cemetery worker sitting by himself. He seemed quite despondent. I bought him lunch
and wished him a wonderful day.

I also met a certain youth standing in front of a grave and asked him if he was visiting
anyone. He said that he was visiting his brother's grave. I gave him my short condolence and
wished for his brother to continue resting in peace. I wished him a good day and walked on.
That was a rather sad moment. I should have talked with him longer. This youth had a very
calm demeanor; I could tell from his voice and face. He is perhaps a lad of few words or
maybe it was an effect of being near the grave of a person he loved.

I would prefer not to be open about this with myself but another reason why I went to the
cemetery was to find the grave of a certain young lady. I witnessed her funeral from a
distance two years ago. I had wanted to walk up to her grave but couldn't because I was at
another funeral ceremony. I only wanted to learn her name. I searched for her grave but I
couldn't find it. I would recognize her grave if I knew the spot where she was buried but the
place has changed so much. I think it's a little strange that I am interested in learning about a
person I never knew nor met in this life. I wonder what kind of person she was. I wonder
what her friends and family loved about her. I'll never know her.

Meeting the cemetery worker and the youth and failure to find that lady's grave were the only
sad moments at the cemetery.

I reflected on my mortality on my way back and I am quite sure that dying is what I want.
People have something that I lack, something that causes them to desire life.

I have wished for death every year for the last six years. I also thought that I'd die in each of
those years but I'm still here. Even if I shared this struggle, what could anyone do to alter this
suicidality? I prefer a one time loss over a lifetime of fighting suicidal thoughts. I want to lose
and I've decided to lose.

Update: Tuesday, 14 January 2025

I think visiting the cemetery and taking a casual walk there for more than two hours would
seem very unusual to some people. I can understand why and how it's unusual for them but I
cannot feel the oddity. I can imagine the superstitions that would be stirred if anyone knew
that I visited the cemetery. People connect the cemetery to the dead but I think of the
cemetery in purely physical terms - public burial grounds. I could not feel the dead if there's
such a thing as feeling the dead. There was nothing strange to feel from any of the hundreds
of graves in that cemetery.

Even if I didn't have any connection to any of the deceased in that cemetery, I believe the
youth visiting his brother's grave and some other people who were maintaining their loved
ones' graves found meaning in their actions. I myself cleared some dry twigs and branches
which had fallen from a nearby tree onto a certain lady's grave.

If there's anything unusual about my visit to the cemetery is that I found the place to be calm
and peaceful. Everyone lets everyone be. Perhaps there is an implicit understanding that
everyone has their own reasons for being at the cemetery which should be respected.

I've been thinking about why I've remained interested in the young lady for two years since I
witnessed her burial. Sometimes I think that I am avoiding being honest with myself about it.
I grieve for her a little bit every time I think about it. It would have been nice to know her
name. I think it would have been an honor to be part of her life when she was alive. I cannot
claim to have knowledge of the afterlife, just hopes and beliefs. If there is anything beyond
this life, I hope she found a gentle soul to introduce her to that realm, maybe to give her an
orientation of the place. I wish her peace wherever she may be in this existence. She's the
reason why I think that I would want to volunteer to welcome the newly dead in the afterlife.

Update; Wednesday, 22 January 2025

I think I can slowly start theorizing why I have been curious about the young lady. If I fully
understand why I've never stopped thinking about her, I'll let go of her memory.

One idea I can start to work with is that I was probably stricken with empathy for her and her
loved ones. She was young, what became of her dreams? What were her dreams? If she
could share her thoughts about life and the world, what would she say? Did she like her
journey through this life? Which were her best and worst moments in life? I stood at a
distance watching and thinking about these things.

I wondered if anyone present at her funeral would have prolonged grief over her in silence.
Who would notice it to offer comfort? Burial doesn't automatically end grief especially for
close loved ones. There is a moment of longing when the deceased's absence starts
stinging. Close loved ones must adjust to cope with the emptiness left by their departed.
Who consoles them in those moments? If the heartache for a dead loved one starts in the
middle of the night, who is there to offer comfort? I will always regret not talking longer with
the youth visiting his brother's grave. Meaningful words could have been said. I think
important insights are discovered and shared while discussing rarely explored topics.
I am usually reluctant to think about the afterlife but if there's anything beyond the grave, I
wished that she was well received. Infants are received by gentle hands when they enter the
world from their mother's womb. Who received her when she entered the other side from her
physical body, if there's such a place? An infant is wrapped in warmth, affection and
protection. Did she have any of these on the other side? This is why I think I'd want to
welcome the dead to see to it that they are given a compassionate welcome to the other
side.

I could not discern her religion but it could have been related to some Indian religion judging
by the attire of the religious figures presiding over her funeral. I'm not a religious exclusivist
and I hope her religious beliefs provided her with hope and meaning about existence and her
loved ones with consolation. If she wasn't too concerned with religious beliefs, I still hope
she had ideas and thoughts that could have helped her deal with her mortality.

Did she anticipate her death or did it come unexpectedly ? I wonder if her close loved ones
think about her every now and then.

All of these questions cause me to feel a dampened sadness in my heart. It's like a
melancholic mood in a desolate place or a gloomy twilight.

Entry #23. Irregularity

I am observing that I do not always do for myself the good things that I do for others. I do not
always make the same sacrifices for myself that I make for others.

This is a rather recent observation and I have not dwelled enough on it to conclude anything
about it. It seems right up close but when I take a few steps back in my mind to consider it, it
seems disproportionate. I wonder if this is healthy sacrifice for others' well-being or self
negligence.

As far as children's well-being is in question, I'd make any sacrifice for them without a
second thought. The issue lies more in sacrifices for adults when I'd break my body for them,
give them my resources without measure and pardon their faults for peace. These sacrifices
are always secretive and they are sometimes trampled on.

I am not complaining, just thinking. I doubt that I could change even if I wanted to. My
problems are in my mind and I'm dissociated from my external needs. Therefore, all
problems which do not impact my mind are negligible if someone else who is near me has
the same problem or if I have the resources that could help them.

If I had a healthy mind, I could perhaps be able to balance what my body needs and what
other people need. If I'm hungry and another person besides me is hungry too, their hunger
becomes more relevant than mine and I'd give them my food. The problems in my mind
vastly outweigh any problems related to my body that they become negligible. This is what
enables these sacrifices to be made. All my resources which cannot solve the problems in
my mind but can solve my physical needs become somewhat irrelevant and more fitting to
be shared with others who also need them. My eyes are fixed on what can save my mind.

I'm falling from a great height without a parachute, someone besides me has a parachute but
needs shoes. What I need is something to cushion my fall and the shoes aren't so important.
Why keep them if someone else needs them? If I land safely, I'll focus again on my need for
shoes. My need for a parachute or something to cushion my fall greatly outmatches my need
for shoes so much that this need becomes irrelevant. My shoes start to seem like a surplus
that could be given away. The singular focus is landing safely.

Entry #24. Untitled

This mind has stalled. Bad things are after me; misunderstanding, criticism, judgement,
death, misunderstanding, criticism and judgement. I lost a race against sprinters while I had
a broken foot. My mind is weighed on the same scales as sane minds. I am expected to
write with a pen out of ink. I am expected to remain alive without dreams and ambitions. I am
expected to love without a heart. There is no understanding. The futility of dreaming of being
understood is the same as trying to catch smoke. This mind has stalled, I’ll try again
tomorrow.

Update; Friday, 10 January 2025

I'm like a machine that is at the end of its service life. Frequent problems are to be expected
but I can hide them from most people, perhaps everyone.

My hygiene is in a deplorable state but I don't have the strength to care.

If I cannot conceal my issues, I'll want a fight with anyone who will impose their standards on
me. I will not let anything or anyone compromise my effort to remain alive for a few more
weeks.

If I die, what will be the loss? Will it be the loss of a human being? I think the loss will be that
of an intermittently useful tool.

The weather is overcast just how I like it but it could be more grey. I wish the world was
covered in fog for a while.

I think the gravity of death is felt more acutely by those who are aware of their impending
demise. I will deal with the distress of dying when I'm about to die, not before.

Entry #25. Something More

Is the current structure of this reality all there is to it? Isn't there a deeper layer of this reality?
There is someone somewhere celebrating their birthday and there is another one elsewhere
being grieved for. There's a student in a luxurious school and there is another learning under
an acacia tree. Some people are in good health while others are wasting away in hospitals.
Some are teaching morals and virtues while others are acting viciously and without integrity.
Someone is relaxing in a serene spa while another walks through the ruins of their town.
Someone is lying in a comfortable bed while another is lying on cardboard on the cold
streets. Someone is relishing the love in their life while another is surviving traumas from the
people who should love them. Someone is proud of their circumstances while another is
ashamed and embarrassed of their situation. Someone can access and use their mind as
they will while another is barely self aware in a mental hospital.
Then they all die.

This is too plain, extremely plain. There should be something more to it.

I'm sitting here trying to think of alternatives to suicide but choosing life feels difficult. I will
not yield to the superficial notions of strength and resilience. This is not about strength, it's
about a purpose and something worthwhile to live for. I don't want to live just because I'm
alive. I'd rather be dead than continue to live simply because I'm biologically alive.

There must be something in this world for me to do, otherwise I'll not overcome thoughts of
suicide. What I live for cannot involve money, a career or raising a family. If this is all I'll
spend an entire lifetime on, death is a better deal.

I don't know which path to take but I believe that my reason for being in this world is to learn
love. Apart from this reason, I am purposeless and nothing else can fulfill me. Whatever the
world expects of its inhabitants doesn't concern me and I'll prefer to be kicked out of this
world than conform to be accepted by the world. Love is the most supreme thing in all
existence. If I fail to learn love, I'll have failed in this life. I believe that I've learned enough of
love to pass this life lesson at least satisfactorily.

Entry #26. 3:54 AM

I have been trying not to care about how my suicide would impact others but it is more
difficult than I expected. I will never die if I still care. I need to stop caring. There must be a
way to do this and I will find it, eventually. Concern for others’ grief chains me to this world. Is
it empathy for them or a guilty conscience over the pain I’ll cause? I don’t even want to know.
Suicide is perfectly rationalized in my mind but concern for the grief I’ll cause holds me back.
I am sufficiently desensitized to death but concern for the grief I’ll cause holds me back.

This concern is so strong that I find myself praying to find ways of living out an entire lifetime
to a natural end just so that I won’t cause any sorrow by an untimely death. Living life without
dreams and ambitions seems immensely difficult. I recoil at the thought of living if I’ll spend
an entire lifetime without a dream. The conventional life path of working, eating, sleeping,
relationships and dying will never be enough to ground me in this life. Typical life feels like a
daily repetition of some activities until death interrupts it.
I think what would ground me in this life is an occupation that changes people’s lives
positively with limited social interaction and earns just enough for an independent minimalist
lifestyle. I don’t want to work to survive but I can work to change people’s lives. Such is the
position I pray for but where can I find it? If whoever doesn’t work shouldn’t eat was
interpreted literally, I would consider death since its the natural outcome of not eating.

I doubt that I will be able to suppress my concern to achieve the level of apathy I desire. But,
where there’s a will there’s a way. I can think of two options to shut off my empathy
temporarily before it switches back on. I can leverage my pathological aversion to conflict
and anger. Being exposed to conflict and anger destabilizes my mind completely. It is so
distressing that I can feel a certain sensation in my forehead, neck, chest, palms and the
soles of my feet. When I’m feeling this, suicidal thoughts are strong and compulsive enough
to suppress concern for anyone. This is an option even if the suicide attempt would be
impulsive. I have a distaste for doing things impulsively but the end justifies the means.

Another way to shut off my empathy for others is to convince myself that I am not needed in
this world. This is relatively simple because of my distorted mind but logic will argue against
it and discard such a thought. This could work if I take action as soon as I convince myself I
am an unnecessary creature in this world before logic argues against it. This option is
unreliable.

The best option is to use the distress caused by anger and conflict. I used to think that this
distress and aversion were a malady but I can now see that they will serve me well. I only
need to be sufficiently prepared so that no time will be wasted with preparations lest the
distress end before I utilize it. To increase the chances of encountering conflict and anger, I
need some recklessness, negligence and an attitude. Being amicable and dodging conflicts
is counterproductive to this aim.

Entry #27. Understanding

I am making a sad observation that people judge and conclude things with limited
information. I wonder if they are aware that the cases they criticize could have some details
which would change their minds completely.

It's always heartbreaking when kindness is criticized by people who have no idea what
inspired that compassion. It's deeply saddening when a kind gesture is condemned without
understanding. These are some of the things that convince me that suicide isn't such a
wrong choice.

The irony is that these critiques don't have a problem with being assisted but they will see
faults when others are assisted. It gets worse when I consider that they have no authority
over the resources which are spent in helping others. Sometimes I think they are just being
controlling. Or they are maybe trying to protect others from manipulation and overextending
themselves.
Entry #28. Tired

I feel an unusual kind of tiredness that is hard to explain. It's like a gloomy, despairing
tiredness.

Entry #30. Deleted Entries

I've deleted Entries #18 and #29 because they had the potential to damage some people's
reputation. Even if no one will ever read this journal, it doesn't sit well with me to know that
I've analyzed and documented anyone's wrongdoing. There's a risk that this journal will be
found and read without my permission. I cannot bear being the person who taints anyone's
name even if I have had my fair share of pain in their hands. I want to believe in forgiveness.
I want to believe that there's no mistake which is beyond absolution. There is no need to
keep a record of wrongs.

Update; Wednesday, 22 January 2025

I have also deleted Entry #6 because of its negative criticism of a certain person. This
journal must not contain even subtle criticism of anyone I know in real life. It's a balance
between authenticity and my peace of mind. I find no peace holding on to anyone's
negativity. I will polish this journal to erase any instance of criticism on anyone who is
remotely identifiable in real life.

Update; Tuesday, 4 February 2025

Entry #40 also has to be deleted. I refuse to dwell on the wrongs I've seen. They'll have no
place in my heart and mind.

Entry #31. Where it Comes From

I am aware of one element which modifies my character and behavior: that is, feeling what I
see and hear. There is something to feel about everything, even a single small rock, the
crack patterns on a wall and the dust in the air.

Some of my moral insights are founded on feeling the positivity or negativity of the things I've
seen and heard in people's actions. This morning, I saw one kindergarten boy holding his
friend's hand while taking him to their teacher to report that he had been hurt. That was a
wonderful thing to see. The boy will never even know or remember the good thing he did to
his friend but I saw it and felt it. Today still, a friend of mine told me the irony of beating
children and demanding that they stop crying. There's something to think about this if I think
about it more keenly.

I have seen the pain people cause each other. Most of it is through words. If I know how this
pain comes about, I should know how to avoid it.
Witnessing someone borrowing something and being coldly denied repeatedly feels awful.
Last year I witnessed a boy being interrogated for his father's borrowing. The matter was
beyond my capacity to intervene and I had to step away.

My consideration for other people's wellbeing has at times been misjudged as weakness. I
wonder if being inconsiderate and dismissive counts as being strong.

There's something to feel when I pass by a drunkard staggering on their way. I wish their
situation was better. There's something to feel when I pass by a sickly and famished dog.
There's something to feel when I hear a child crying. There's something to feel when I
witness someone being berated or scolded. I should never repeat such a thing. There's
something to feel when I witness unfairness and injustice. It's extremely offensive.

There's something to feel when I see two drunkards helping each other get home. There's
something to feel when a see a young boy helping their small sister carry their bag. There's
something to feel when I see people sharing food with the homeless. There's something to
feel when I see people showing tolerance and forgiveness. There's something to feel when I
see people treating animals kindly. There's something to feel when I see people helping the
elderly. There's something to feel when I see children playing together happily unaware of
their differences. There's something to feel when I see people standing up for the
marginalized and outcasts. If I'm not a part of it, from a distance, the world looks like it's in
good hands.

Entry #32. 10times2 Kilometers

Three days ago on Wednesday, 15 January 2025, I went for my occasional long walk. It's a
20 Kilometers walk, 10 to and fro. I left home at 7:00 AM and made a 1.3 KM detour to the
church for a short prayer . At 8:15 AM, I shared breakfast with a good friend of mine.

The weather was pleasantly cloudy and quite cold that morning. I wished that it was chilling
cold and hoped that the weather would remain cloudy throughout the day. I had planned to
carry a cap, some food and water for the walk but I left home hastily.

I left the church at 9:15 AM after talking with my friend for a while. I stopped at a bus stop
shelter at 9:40 AM to select a playlist and to reevaluate my reasons for the walk. The sky
was mostly cloudy with a few cloudless blue patches from which the sun tried to shine
through. There was a slight chance that it could drizzle but the weather was eventually
sunny and cloudy.

The main reason for this walk was to isolate myself and spend the entire day by myself. I
know a tree a short distance off the road, 9.8 Kilometers from home that is just perfect for
solitude. It's a huge Royal Poinciana with a canopy of about 20 meters in diameter. The tree
is quite climbable because of its huge branches which divide from the main leaning trunk.
The huge branches are far apart and very long, it becomes unsafe to scale them far from the
trunk. The tree is located in some dense bushes and shrubs. The dense bushes restrict
access to the tree to only those who are intentional in reaching it.
The route was rather busy that day but other people would still think it was desolate. I would
wish to be the only person on the road.

I took some scenery photos while on the way. I noticed about 6 different points where trash
had been dumped by the roadside. I have a problem with this dumping because this is how
illegal dump sites start. The road winds through a natural space, why would anyone want to
pollute the area? The road being mostly empty is not an excuse to dump trash by the
roadside.

There is an intersection that marks the 10 kilometers distance from my starting point. I
reached it at 12:20 PM then turned back to head to the tree which is about 200 meters from
the intersection.

I went off-road to get to the tree and reached it at 12:40 PM. I noticed that the path to the
tree through the bushes was clearer than the last time I was there. Perhaps the tree was
being accessed more frequently.

The last time I was at the tree last year, I noticed muddy shoe traces on the tree trunk
indicating that someone had recently climbed the tree. This time I found a fanta and a
lemonade bottle. There were also several Parle and Trufoods biscuit wrappers. These were
probably from someone or some people who came to spend time at the tree. I had expected
to find evidence of recent drug use around the tree like alcohol bottles, cigarette and bhang
remains but I found snack wrappers and soda bottles instead. That made me glad because
the tree’s seclusion was not being used for drug activities. However, if there are some who
go to the tree to use or abuse drugs, I don't know. But I doubt it because the tree is too
isolated.

I desired to connect with whoever visits the tree but it would be very hard because of the
distance and the fact that I don't know when they go to the tree. I also doubt that I will go to
the tree again.

I decided to leave a message to the stranger who will visit the tree again but I didn't have
any materials to write with. I went to the dumped trash by the roadside and luckily found a
weathered envelope. I unwrapped it and used it as a paper to write on. Just a short distance
away from the trash I found small pieces of charcoal which I used to write with. The manner
in which I found these improvised writing materials felt like synchronicity. I went back to the
tree and wrote the stranger a message of kindness and encouragement. I rolled the note
and put it in one of the bottles I found at the spot. I also left the stranger a small black
tourmaline as a gift inside the bottle. I included in the note the names of that tree and the
rock as a gesture of sharing knowledge. I think sharing knowledge is a precious thing if the
knowledge is shared in love and thoughtfulness. I despise overbearing advice and
instructions. I'd rather remain ignorant than be taught with contempt. I tied the bottle to a vine
hanging from the tree and left it there for the stranger to find if they returned to the tree
again.

I left the tree at around 3:40 PM and headed back home.

Entry #33. Burning Souls

Am I a Christian? God knows; and no human has the mandate to question my religious
standing unless they usurp God's position as the judge.

God knows of my desire and effort to live a life of love and to fully comprehend the essence
of love, to know what it is and how it relates to Him and His Character. Since God is aware of
this and there is no thought so secret that it's beyond His awareness, God definitely knows
that the concept of hell disquiets my soul.

I have a significant problem with the concept of eternal conscious torment. It's absolutely
incompatible with my understanding of love. There is no angle that I could look at this idea to
accept it, even if the Bible hints at it.

It would be extremely barbaric and unimaginable for a parent to torture their child. I'll go
further and try to imagine that the parent is torturing their child by burning. It would be an
absolutely horrific sight. If human beings are attributed parentage by giving rise to offspring
physically, what can be said about God who grants the power of procreation and oversees
the cell division leading to bones and tissue formation to create the physical body and then
gives it a spirit to animate it? It's almost as if parents are only instrumental in procreation
while God does all the work behind the scenes. In fact, believers say they are created by
God and not by their parents. God has a vastly superior role in giving rise to human beings
than their parents, this superiority could be considered infinite by some people. God
therefore has a more intimate connection to the creation of a person than their parents. Now,
if it is unspeakably heinous and barbaric for a parent to torture their child, why isn't the same
standard applied to God in the belief of eternal conscious torment?

Nothing contradicts God's love like eternal conscious torment, the problem of evil doesn't
even come close. Which mental framework would allow one to believe that a parent torturing
their child still has love for the child? Which mental framework allows believers to accept
‘God is love’ while believing in the idea of conscious torment?

The word torment is only a euphemism to downplay the severity of the matter and I avoid
using it. Torture is the more honest word to use. Punishment by burning is a clear definition
of torture. Such euphemisms only serve to neutralize the internal disturbance that such a
belief should cause.

There are those who have made it a slogan that God doesn't send anyone to hell, the people
themselves do. Now, who created hell and who sustains its existence if it's not God. A parent
could design consequences for their children's mistakes and enforce them. The
consequences could be planned like reducing entertainment time or grounding or doing
some chores or it could be impulsive like beating and scolding. God is too intelligent and
wise to act impulsively. It's hard to think that God created hell as a consequence for sin
impulsively. Whatever leads to hell, it's hard to argue that it's not God who designed the
consequences. Wrongdoers rarely choose their punishment. Despite the infinite options
afforded by omnipotence and omniscience, is eternal conscious torment the best possible
option? Is burning souls in hell the most optimal option? I wonder.
Matthew 7:9-11
Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will
give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your
children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Jesus presents God as a better father than human beings. Even if they are said to be evil,
they are usually consistent in giving good things to their children. Somehow, in the christian
mentality, the same God who is a better father has created a dimension of pure torment and
unimaginable agony to endlessly torture His creation.

Perhaps Christians alone are God's children and the rest of humanity is severed from Him
and this makes it an acceptable and fitting thing to burn them. It is hard to cling to this
thought when Jesus says, “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who
persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise
on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” Matthew
5:44-45

In this physical life, God does good things even to those who are wayward but after death,
things suddenly change and there's only torture for eternity without any possibility of relief.

Before the beginning, which soul was suffering from being tortured in hell? But in the end,
believers of eternal conscious torment will have a paradise and a hell. The existence of hell
taints the existence of heaven. It's like a brutal conclusion that good must exist alongside
evil, pain must exist alongside comfort and nothing can be done about it. No one can change
this state of existence, not even God even if it's said that He IS good and that He is light and
no darkness is in Him at all. Because of eternal conscious torment, existence cannot have
good only but it must exist with evil. Existence cannot have comfort only but it must exist with
pain even if there's an omnipotent, omniscient and omnibenevolent force wielding authority
and supremacy over all existence. I can see how this doesn't make sense to those who
believe in universalism.

I will never understand how God commands love even for enemies yet He has created
eternal conscious torment to torture his creation in hell. I believe in consequences for wrong
doing but I do not believe in eternal conscious torment. The dissonance one should
experience by believing in love and hell should be so great that only God could calm it. But
contrary to this, some believers not only believe in eternal torture but also actively use it in
their evangelism. It sounds ugly to tell a child that they'll go to hell for telling lies or failing to
follow some rules. Christianity is founded on two stones, the cornerstone is salvation in
Christ and the second stone is torture in hell.

I wonder what kind of supernatural mental manipulation will make the souls in heaven
apathetic to the existence of hell and its horrid suffering. There is an impulse in love which
causes one to desire to ease suffering. What happens to this love in heaven if every spirit
there is perfected in love? Perhaps it's a kind of love limited to those who are in heaven only.
I wonder if a sympathetic soul who was merciful in earthly life would plead with God to do
something about the torture in hell. I cannot understand how the souls in heaven would
never unite to make a petition to God about the issue of hell.
Another worthwhile question about hell is on its eternity. Is the eternity of hell chosen by God
or a factor beyond His control? If it's a factor beyond His control, His omnipotence is put to
the test. If the eternity of hell is His choice, His love is put to the test because, how can love
which consists of mercy and forgiveness inflict endless punishment?

There are some who enforce an arbitrary relationship with God in the sense that God cannot
be questioned. A misguided attempt to ask God questions risks destruction. My heart
recognizes a patient God who is slow to anger and infinitely wise to answer any question
gently as to a child. I wonder why they think asking God questions is the same as rebellion.

In this life or in any other there might be, I pray for clarity to comprehend the compatibility of
endless torture with love, justice and fairness.

Entry #34. Thorn in the Flesh

The pressure is rising, the anxiety is spiking and I'm praying to God to help me. The
problems are mostly internal, in my mind and I don't know why. Of all people, why me?!
Sometimes I think that it's unfair that I have to fight this fight. I have never even been a
fighter.

Anxiety smothers my heart and I'd rather be alone even if it's in death. The combination of
anxiety and perfectionism tramples me to the ground. If I could think my way out of anxiety, I
would be free from it but thinking doesn't solve it.

My horrible experience with perfectionism teaches me to keep it to myself. It'd be wicked of

me to burden others with my perfectionism. It's evil. Perfectionism is an unfair bargain for
oppressive standards of performance at the expense of a person's wellbeing.

This world isn't tranquil enough for me to thrive in. I refuse to engage in the misery of
perseverance and fables of personal strength just to see the end of the day if I'll survive
today just to die another day.

Entry #35. In My Head

I observe the world from within my mind. The external world is filtered through my mind and
most of it is sieved out. There is an imbalance between my mental engagement with the
world and my physical engagement with it. It's almost pointless to interact with the world
physically. The mind is all that matters.

What is this physical world? I can't relate to it. I wish we could be made incorporeal for a
whole year then we'd see what becomes of physicality. I would want to see how this would
impact power dynamics. I wonder what would be the basis for conflict without the body.
Entry #36. Mortality

Death is a major event in human life but it doesn't mean much to me. It's a simple
conclusion to this journey in life. What do people expect, do they desire immortality or what?
Death has been a fact for as long as life has existed yet humanity never gets used to it. I
don't know what's the big deal about death when everyone is born to die. Perhaps death
would be a significant event to an immortal entity, but to mortals who die in the thousands
every day, why does it matter? If I think about it, I will see the significance of death but I don't
want to.

One day I'll be lifeless and naked in a cold mortuary freezer but what does that mean? Inside
the same mortuary I'll have my morgue mates of different backgrounds and ages. Which
body will be next to mine? There'll be children inside the same morgue because death
doesn't care about anyone or anything. I can picture the morgue workers handling my body.
There might be some sharp scalpels running through my skin and flesh for whatever reason.
My body will even be groomed and clothed, it's an affair of those who are alive.

From my death to burial, my body will create several business opportunities. There will be
mortuary fees to pay the workers there. The carpenters who built my casket and the casket
seller will earn something. The hearse company and the driver will get their pay. The
cemetery workers who'll dig the grave will also earn something. Death is the primary driver of
these people's businesses.

There's a sudden realization of love for a person once they are dead. I wonder if it's love or
grief.

Entry #37. The Wish

I hope in my heart that people succeed in their endeavours if they are not malicious. Even if
they don't succeed as they desire, I hope they make enough progress to keep them going.

I make this wish to all human effort provided that it doesn't involve illegal and unethical
practices. It could be a child learning to write and read, I wish them progress. It could be a
person's mobility limited by a certain condition, I wish them progress. It could be a person
struggling to get their car out of a tight parking spot, I wish they'll make it. It could be a
student, I wish them progress in their education. It could be an upcoming actor or film
director, I wish them progress.

In addition to this wish, there's care to never be a source of discouragement. I'd be a

hypocrite to wish people progress in their undertakings yet be the one who discourages
them.

This wish is partly inspired by my own fear of trying. If I'm too anxious to try, I wish that those
who dare to try will win in some way.
Sometimes encouragement and compliments are all that can be given where practical
assistance is not possible due to limiting factors. I don't know how to draw so complimenting
someone's drawing is the only way I could contribute to their effort. Sometimes it's a
meaningful contribution. It enhances the meaning and the satisfaction in the effort.

If I could apply my own insights to myself I could make progress too but something holds me
back. While I am quietly observing people's effort from a distance, I can see how their small
wins contribute to their vision. I hope that they can see this.

Sometimes an accomplishment or achievement is automatically and immediately followed by

another ambition. I think there should be some time to acknowledge and appreciate every
accomplishment. If a child is able to count 1 to 10 or color within the lines, that's something.
If an elder has learned to do a new thing on their phone, that's something. If a person has
learned how to change a lightbulb, that's something. If a young new mother has learned how
to feed the infant and change their clothes, that's also something. It was just previously that
these accomplishments were minor aspirations but they have now been achieved and that's
progress. Some people discredit other people's small achievements without understanding
that this is part of the progress.

The world is sometimes too competitive. This competition and comparison hinders some
people's progress. Some people like competing but others prefer to move at their own pace.
The world's cutthroat competitions to outperform others shouldn't overshadow anyone's
pace. Competition isn't a bad thing but some lose themselves to it in trying to cut corners to
get where they desire to be. Sometimes where they desire to be isn't where they need to be
but where they are above others. Some cheat, steal and bribe to get there. Some slander
others to bring them down. It's inspired by jealousy, envy and insecurities. Slow progress
with honesty is better than rapid progress with corruption but the world might disagree.

In primary school, my science teacher asked the class: two people are running late picking
coffee, one person's basket is ¾ full and the other is ¼ full. Who would you help fill their
basket if you can only choose one? The class had mixed answers. The teacher reasoned
that she would help the one who was almost done because it was getting late. I chose and
would still choose to help the person whose basket was ¼ full. Everyone has a right to
decide where they'll help but I would help the most vulnerable person.

It's a sad thing to see honest effort lacking any meaningful progress. It's a sad thing to see a
business struggling. It's sad to see a hardworking student get disappointed in their results.
It's heartbreaking to see honest effort getting negative criticism. Some criticism is good for
improvement but some criticisms are full of undue harshness and negativity. There is pain
when someone is not believed in.

There should be an effort to win together according to everyone's capacity so that no one
gets left behind.

Entry #38. Feelings

Sometimes I'm unable to acknowledge what I'm feeling but I know that I'm feeling something.
There's something wrong in how I feel. I could never share my feelings with anyone. I'd even
rather deny my capacity to feel anything. The way I feel things is abnormal.

I'm torn apart in the contradiction and paradox of empathy, sensitivity, numbness and apathy.
Sometimes I am able to feel, other times I'm unable. There's no easy choice between feeling
things strongly and being numb. I can care enough to feel what another person is feeling but
there are times I wouldn't care if the human race was on the brink of extinction. When the
numbness is on, pain and futility is what goes on in this world. It's just a matter of being
exempt from it until it 's time to suffer.

My feelings are always accompanied by sweaty palms. I hate sweaty palms. I don't always
know what I'm feeling. I will try to describe what I'm feeling. My feelings are also often
accompanied by an imagination of a place I've never known. The place is never clear
enough but a rough understanding of such a place. My palms are sweaty. I think I feel sad,
the kind that causes one to stare. Thinking is very minimal and thoughts are deep in the
mind rather than close to the surface where they can be observed consciously. I'm imagining
a distant place, there's a narrow lonely path with vegetation on either side. There could be a
short wooden fence on one side but it hasn't fully formed in my imagination. This is all I can
get from the imagination, anything more than these would be my active imagination adding
to this picture.

No one can ever know that I feel things in this manner unless I'm certain that this is how they
feel things as well.

Update: Saturday, 1 February 2025

What I'm feeling: Like I'm not here, like my mind is in a distant place that I don't know of.
There's some fear but I don't know about what. There's a dirt path beside a plantation but the
plantation isn't clear enough to describe it. It's daytime, the sun's light is moderate. I am
alone. It feels like a rural area. It feels like I'm quite far from any settlement. I am standing off
the path near some shrubs. It's like I can see myself in this place from above myself. This
scene is vague.

I have realized that I cannot reconstruct these scenes to feel them again. The last for a very
short while before I forget them.
I wish I could understand where these things come from and how they come to be. My actual
setting is that I'm lying in bed at 6:15 PM. This room is dimly lit but my mind is not focused
on it. I can hear soft instruments from a church nearby.

Entry #39. Understanding Differently

Even if believers claim to worship the same God, their understanding of Him differs from
person to person. It's not always possible to have a first hand experience of how a person
understands God but it can be generalized from their words. I imagine that it's possible for
people to claim one thing about God yet feel a different thing about Him in their hearts.
There's a need for validation therefore people echo what the majority says about God.
Sometimes what people say about God is too generic and cliche if it doesn't reflect what they
genuinely feel about Him.

I wouldn't allow anyone no matter how enlightened they are to spoon-feed my understanding
of God. I've always desired to own my relationship with God. Psalm 34:8, Taste and see that
the Lord is good. How can I let anyone taste God on my behalf and dictate to me what He is
like?

There is peace in knowing that people experience and understand God differently.
Sometimes God is held in a negative light in some people's minds. Instead of trying to
override one's negative understanding of God with one's own religious positivity, it might be
better to learn why. People have thoughts and experiences to share but who listens? This
lack of listening leads to an enforcement of one's freedom of expression which is often
marred by defensiveness in conversations. It would have been better for freedom of
expression to be natural from the start instead of having to be exerted.

In my understanding of God, there is a balance between a perception of infinite power and

divine humility. I will dare say that God is humble even if it would sound awkward. God
knows how to exercise His power and He also knows how to restrain it for the sake of those
who wouldn't endure His overwhelming Majesty.

1 Kings 19:11-12
The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is
about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered
the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an
earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but
the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

Matthew 11:29 plus John 14:9

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will
find rest for your souls. [9] Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say,
‘Show us the Father’?

Exodus 34:6
And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and
gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness,

I know how bible verses are used selectively to emphasize particular ideas while there are
contradictory verses elsewhere. I chose to believe in God's power and gentleness.

Some religious people might equate expressing negative sentiments about God with
blasphemy but I think there should be an effort to understand an idea the way the speaker
understands it and not how an external interpretation demands to understand it. It's a great
blessing that God searches the heart and examines the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.”
Jeremiah 17:10. People in contrast are heavily reliant on subjective interpretation and
assumptions to judge what the eye cannot see.
It seems that people in the Old Testament had a certain understanding of God that allowed
them to ask God questions and express their opinions to Him.

Ezekiel 18:29 Yet the Israelites say, ‘The way of the Lord is not just.’ Are my ways unjust,
people of Israel? Is it not your ways that are unjust?

Malachi 1:2“I have loved you,” says the Lord. “But you ask, ‘How have you loved us?’

Malachi 1:6-7
It is you priests who show contempt for my name. “But you ask, ‘How have we shown
contempt for your name?’[7]“By offering defiled food on my altar. “But you ask, ‘How have
we defiled you?’ “By saying that the Lord’s table is contemptible.

Malachi 2:17
You have wearied the Lord with your words. “How have we wearied him?” you ask. By
saying, “All who do evil are good in the eyes of the Lord, and he is pleased with them” or
“Where is the God of justice?”

Malachi 3:8
“Will a mere mortal rob God? Yet you rob me. “But you ask, ‘How are we robbing you?’ “In
tithes and offerings.

I don't think such a level of questioning is condoned in modern Christianity. People listen to
what they are told in churches and go home. If they have questions, they'll grapple with them
internally or with their friends. Asking God questions is not a sin. It's in fact a wise choice to
get answers from an omniscient source through prayer or whichever way people connect
with God. Discouraging questions promotes spiritual timidity and vulnerability to spiritual
manipulation and exploitation.

Entry #41. Perfectionism, Distractions, Obsessions and Compulsions

I occasionally find myself heavily invested in some things and I cannot turn away from them.
They are distractions to turn my mind away from my thoughts. When my mind runs into one
of these activities I become wholly devoted to it, dedicating my time, mind and energy to it.
They always start with a deception that I am interested in them but it always turns into an
excessive investment of my effort. Even though I know that the effort invested in these
activities is excess,I cannot bring myself to stop. It only ends when the obsession burns itself
out. I am aware of several of these instances and I am lucky that they are not frequent.

There was a time when I set out to get a comprehensive music collection of every song I
have ever liked. I got about 1200 songs and they had to be perfectly sorted into folders
according to some criteria I had like genre and style. It's not enough that I got the songs, it
became necessary to edit every song's metadata. Every song's title, artist and album tags
had to be perfect. The effort to edit every song's metadata became too much and I was
compelled to delete the music collection. This happened two more times until I recently
managed to do it because I discovered some tools to automate the process. Now that most
of the songs’ metadata had been edited to my satisfaction, the next challenge was to
perfectly sort every song into a folder by genre. I became frustrated that most songs have a
blend of genres and styles. I was forced to compromise the sorting and generalize the best
category to sort each song. The songs are now sorted into 18 folders by genre and style. I
would be deceiving myself to think that I will listen to the more than 1600 songs I've curated.

I sometimes discover some games I'm interested in but it's not long before my perfectionism
breaks in and I become a completionist. The pleasure is usually not in the gameplay but in
completing it and getting every achievement. This has happened to several games like
Civilization 3 and 4, Colonization, Stardew Valley, Faster than Light, Egg Inc, Idle Slayer etc.
Most games are hard to get single achievement and I end up cheating on them heavily. The
only games I wouldn't cheat at are online games but I never even play them. I must get the
best mods and trainers. The idea is to cheat at a game so much that any challenge in the
gameplay becomes negligible. If this happens, it becomes easier to abandon the game.

Entry #42. An Experience

As I am about to close the last pages of my life and say a last prayer, my conclusion is that
life is an experience. I accept that everyone might understand life differently.

Death concludes life and not everyone gets to think of what their life has been. There is a
constant preoccupation with survival, sleeping out the nights and making the most of every
free time for resting, relaxing and enjoyment that the question of what life is is rarely
addressed.

There are some who sell the meaning of life to others as they understand it and there are
those who buy it. My understanding of life is singularly my own and I do not desire to share it
with anyone who has the capacity to think and feel. They'll find it on their own if they look for
it or they can adopt someone else's.

Life is an opportunity to experience everything that a person will ever come across in their
lifetime. It's about thinking and feeling to perceive everything. Emotions are a guide or
template for understanding the experiences. They are uniquely adapted to everyone's mind
so that no one can experience life in exactly the same way as another.

People don't always get to choose what they will experience in life. I don't know if life
circumstances are random or determined, I just know that it's all an experience. I know there
are some who will be thrilled to debate the cases of determinism and what not. They could
be drooling over it cherishing the insights which their minds have acquired over the matter. I
think that any effort to make sense of this life is perfectly valid. I think it might be wise to give
an ear to different interpretations of life. I will listen to different views about the meaning of
life until the proponents of that view try to dictate and impose their insights onto others. It's
then that I turn my attention away from them. If a person will dictate to others the meaning of
life, they are quite likely to dictate how they will live their life as well.
My understanding of life as an experience is polluted by my secret efforts to sever empathy
and meaning from human experiences. Severing empathy from the experiences of life is a
shortcut to escape the complexities of life and to reduce it to facile conclusions. I would feel
uneasy to say that suffering is just an experience but suffering is indeed experienced. The
dilemma is finding the meaning in it. This is especially the case with extreme and traumatic
forms of suffering which result in death. For example, a child sexually abused and murdered,
who can dig any meaning out of it. The only escape out of the horrors of rationalizing such
an instance and making sense of it would only be found in the afterlife with the notions of
being comforted in heaven.

People might manufacture meaning and lessons from suffering which ends before death with
tales of resilience and growth but when suffering meets death, what can anyone say?
People dying of starvation, who the hell can find meaning in that? Or death resulting from
abuse or prolonged illness? There's a simple conclusion to it, that they are free from their
suffering but what was that all about? Will they understand why they had to suffer till death in
the afterlife? I wonder.

I have nothing to say in the awareness of the vastness of the experiences in life. I need
some detachment to see everything so that I can be able to feel and think about it. It's like an
existential and mental working space. Sometimes people are so absorbed into their
circumstances that their mindfulness is slightly diminished. Their situation becomes their
state of being temporarily. I am not an exception to this and there are moments where I'm
blind to broader perspectives.

There are many more experiences that I'll never have in comparison to all the experiences
I've had. I am content with my life and I don't regret any experiences I've never had or the
ones I've had. Even if some experiences were painful and negative, they are a part of life. I
am only able to say this from an acceptance of my mortality and the anticipation of my death.
It's like reflecting back on the difficulties and challenges of military training after a soldier has
graduated - it was just a part of it. Regrets are raw emotions for the living but on the verge of
death, what do they mean?

My life experience didn't include snow, desert or coast, driving, swimming, drugs, university,
a plane flight, political knowledge, romance, sicknesses, social media presence, middle age,
wealth, poverty, ability to multitask, betrayals and many other things which are typical to
some people. My life could have been overly simple to some but I don't regret anything. In
the eyes of death; a life is a life. Once it's over, what's more to it apart from that which is
promised by religions? It's like looking at two empty plates, one had a sumptuous meal on it
and another had dry crumbs. One person was a president and another was afflicted and
impoverished. Death honors neither of them and nature will reclaim their organic bodies
through decay. The living still honor the dead rich than the poor. It's ironic. I wonder if the
dead rich can enjoy their expensive caskets or if an ordinary casket for the poor feels
uncomfortable for them.

Sometimes I think a person's life is like an entire world different from mine. Since I was never
them and could have never been them, I appreciate the uniqueness of their lives.
There are questions at the end of my life before I am independent of this physical brain.
What was life like? What did I like about it? Who did I see? Would I want to do it again? They
are similar to the kind of questions a child might be asked after their first day of school.

Now that it's almost over, I’ll be like a child describing their first day of school. Life was
generally good. I had wonderful friends; that was nice. I never made friends, I just found
them. I don't regret knowing anyone I've ever known and I can say that I saw goodness in
them. This is my praise for the people I knew in life and I am proud to praise them. It's a flex
uncommon to most. I can flash their images in my mind all the way back from childhood.

People were the best thing about life followed by nature. The greatness of nature was not in
its documentary-level elegance but in its simple elements near me like random trees and
plants, random birds, insects, clouds, leaves and many other simple things. There is
something very fascinating about living things; the simple fact that they are alive and moving.
Like how do they know what they are supposed to do? Do they know each other
individually? Are they aware of themselves? To me, it sometimes looks like sentient natural
code running in their brains. I wonder if artificial intelligence will ever be advanced enough to
mimic the natural spontaneity in living things.

There were a few things I disliked in life quite a bit.

1.Most people’s minds were very solid. This solidity would at times obstruct them from
understanding and accepting that people think, see and feel things differently.
2. Some people would not put any effort into trying to understand what other people feel.
3. Resources were at times more important than people’s wellbeing.
4. It was normal to have excess while another person lived in scarcity.
5. Social, economic, religious and political differences could at times cause conflicts,
marginalization and discrimination.
6. Desire for power was too pervasive. Equality was a dream. Someone just had to be above
another in some way whether in influence, resources, authority, appearance, knowledge, or
in opinion.
7. Littering.

I lived in my mind and observed the world from my mind. I never truly participated in life but I
was happy to watch it and think about it. I think that's all I was here for; to watch, think and
feel.
Life was wonderful but I would not want to do it again.

Entry #43. Cruel Perfectionism

I was just writing an entry on suicide when I decided to remove a certain framework. Now the
entire structure is altered and I am unable to look past the fact that it's just a few paragraphs
that are out of place. There are also some redundancies that I could refine but I am feeling a
compulsion to delete the entire piece. This is the cruelty of perfectionism - catastrophizing
minor issues but I must stand my ground.
Entry #44. Understanding Suicide

People understand suicide differently. A person's understanding of suicide can be influenced

by various factors such as mental health through science, religion and spirituality, culture
and traditions, the community, personal thoughts, attitudes and opinions or lived experience.
There could be a combination of these factors influencing a person's perspective and
understanding of suicide.

Suicide is a taboo topic. People talk about it in hushed voices in whispers through
half-sealed lips behind closed doors. There might be a need to pull down the curtains for
enhanced privacy but not literally. Suicide is talked about privately a little distance away from
other people while being on the lookout for any eavesdropping. It's like they are plotting a
crime. I might have exaggerated but suicide isn't talked about as openly as the weather.
People still die.

The silence and secrecy preventing open and meaningful discussions about suicide stem
from the shame and stigma surrounding suicide. It might be easier to talk about private
affairs like intimacy than about suicide. If suicide is a real issue, there is a crucial need to
deal with the stigma and the shame which enforce the silence.

There's a question worth addressing: if people aren't silent about suicide, does this mean
they are having constructive discussion about it such as prevention and support? This isn't
always the case. Sometimes, when people talk about suicide, it's about judgement and
condemnation. This perpetuates the stigma and the shame, and it is no more helpful than
silence. So, as much as there should be effort to break the silence, there should be care that
stigmatizing notions don't replace the silence.

I was in class one in 2007, and I can remember in hindsight the stigma that surrounded
HIV/AIDS. If HIV/AIDS was still stigmatized in my childhood, it must have been worse in
earlier years. I can remember reading publications aimed at destigmatizing HIV/AIDS. I was
in fact, a one time victim of the misinformed fear of contracting the virus but I learned. There
were public awareness campaigns to reduce the stigma. Lessons on HIV/AIDS have
remained a part of the primary and secondary education curriculum. The efforts to
destigmatize HIV/AIDS since my childhood have been largely successful, though some
stigma remains to be addressed. The progress in destigmatizing HIV/AIDS was not achieved
in silence. I am not correlating stigma against HIV/AIDS with stigma against suicide. I am
imagining that if nearly the same comprehensive effort put in reducing stigma against
HIV/AIDS was applied to destigmatizing suicide, similar progress and improvements could
be achieved.

Efforts to destigmatize HIV/AIDS have generally been more comprehensive compared to

efforts to destigmatize suicide. This is despite the global number of suicides being higher
than deaths from AIDS-related illnesses. I was skimming through the statistics in the
morning:
1.In 2019, around 690,000 people died from AIDS-related illnesses
worldwide (UNAIDS Data 2020)
2. In 2019, an estimated 703,000 people died by suicide (WHO, Suicide worldwide in
2019, Global Health Estimates)

Reporting of suicide statistics is slower compared to HIV statistics. For instance, the latest
data closest to an official report on global suicides I could find was an inference of 717,000
suicides in 2021 from World health statistics 2024: monitoring health for the SDGs. In
contrast, “630,000 people died from AIDS-related illnesses in 2023” (UNAIDS Fact Sheet
2024)

In my opinion which could be very flawed; initiatives to reduce stigma around HIV/AIDS
being more comprehensive than efforts to reduce stigma against suicide while both
epidemics are quite close in fatalities reveals the entrenched nature of the shame and
taboos surrounding suicide. Efforts to reduce stigma and discrimination of HIV are
praiseworthy and should continue as they are or even boosted to achieve WHO’s goal of
“eliminating all forms of HIV-related stigma and discrimination”. Destigmatizing suicide might
involve unique challenges but with effort, engagement and commitment, progress can be
made. Stigma against suicide funs the flames which prevent people from seeking help.

I think that efforts to destigmatize suicide could be misunderstood as attempts to justify or

condone suicide but in reality, it’s about creating safe spaces for people in crisis to reach out.
Being in a suicidal crisis with the shame and condemnation of suicide is like being in two
burning rooms, none is significantly better than the other but one might be more
manageable. Some people prefer to suffer in silence than risk the shame, condemnation and
invalidation of their struggles. It’s actually more of an involuntary circumstance than a
preference. It’s like suffering from thirst standing next to a poisoned well. The fear of being
judged for having suicidal thoughts causes anxiety about opening up. The stigma against
suicide distorts seeking help to be a risk - a risk of being judged and invalidated. This is
usually an anxious risk to take and it enforces the silence. I think it’s very unfortunate that
seeking help is undermined by fear and anxiety. This is the reason why seeking help is
considered a ‘strength and not a weakness’. The fact that it’s considered a strength is quite
telling of why it’s a strength. What qualifies it to be a strength?

There is always a reason behind a person’s suicidal thoughts. I think it would be

exceptionally improbable for suicidal thoughts to exist in a person’s mind without any reason
at all. There are reasons and exacerbating factors even if they aren’t always apparent. Not
knowing the reason or being unable to articulate it doesn’t diminish or invalidate thoughts of
suicide. The anxiety in reaching out is heightened in such a situation because, ‘how will it be
explained?’ The distress in being unable to understand the reasons for one’s suicidal
thought starts inwardly and it sometimes takes the route of self-stigmatization because,
‘what do I have to be suicidal about’? But suicidal thoughts remain. It’s better to
acknowledge the reality of suicidal thoughts and workout the reasons later than dismiss the
case entirely. Acknowledging suicidal thoughts and offering support offers better chances of
finding the reasons behind them even if it might take some time and a little effort. It’s like a
splinter beneath the skin. Being unable to see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there, the person can
still feel it.

There is a tendency to discriminate reasons behind suicidal thoughts. There is a perception

that some problems are more valid and significant enough to cause suicidal thoughts than
others. A terminal diagnosis or chronic pain might be considered more valid reasons for
suicidal thoughts if they indeed cause them, than suicidal thoughts stemming from a
romantic breakup or failing an exam. Suicidal thoughts are still suicidal thoughts regardless
of the cause. They are distressing, serious and dangerous all the same. A wildfire caused by
a spark isn’t less serious than a wildfire caused by a gallon of gasoline. Whatever might be
the reason for suicidal thoughts, it’s important to see them as they are: thoughts that can risk
a life, and deal with them accordingly with support and compassion.

Dismissing and invalidating the reasons why a person might be suicidal fuels the stigma
against suicide. It waters seeds of shame, judgement and condemnation and they bear the
fruit of isolation and silence. People have different levels of resilience and sensitivity. People
feel things differently and I don’t think it's a choice anyone can make. What might be a
pebble in my hand might be a heavy sack of jagged rocks on another person’s shoulder.
What might be a hill to one person might be a mountain to another. What might be a bruise
to one person might be an avulsion to another. Mindset as a motivational tool can only go so
far. There is a point where distress becomes real and downplaying it doesn’t ease the pain.

There are times when challenges in life are subjectively perceived to outweigh the benefit of
living. This opens the window for suicidal thoughts. There is usually a factor - a challenge, a
problem or a negative circumstance that triggers thoughts of suicide. It's not just any
problem that can trigger suicidal thoughts. The problem must be perceived as
insurmountable, inescapable and distressing enough to impede one's appreciation of life.
When pain, distress and suffering outweigh the value of life, suicidal thoughts start trickling
in a person's mind.

Some problems which cause suicidal thoughts might have started as relatively minor issues
which went unaddressed but they never resolved on their own. They fester unnoticed and
branch into other less apparent issues. They might merge with other problems leading to a
complicated and worse situation overtime. By the time suicidal thoughts are showing up,
there is a complex history of issues which need to be addressed. It's sometimes despairing
when self-awareness reveals the extensive range of the issues causing suicidal thoughts
and their interconnectedness. Some people might need another person to help them trace
the problems. Professional psychologists and counselors are better equipped for this task
than the average person.

Even though the problems causing suicidal thoughts might be complicated, there is usually a
general problem which is given as a reason for the suicidal thoughts. This general issue
might conceal deeper interconnected problems. A generalized example might be a suicide
stated to have been caused by poor academic performance. The general label and reason of
poor performance might conceal other significant underlying factors behind the suicide.
There could have been an impairment in coping mechanisms, self-hate, extreme
disappointment in oneself, self-deprecating distress of being a disappointment to others,
anxiety about the future, shame, a sense of being a failure and a distorted perspective
hooking the person to their distress.

Some people might think that a suicidal person can simply stop having suicidal thoughts at
will. Sometimes, suicidal thoughts are inaccurately seen as a choice and the seriousness of
the matter is dismissed. It's something like ‘just stop having suicidal thoughts’, ‘you are
stronger than that’ and ‘you are what you feed your mind’. It becomes an oversimplified case
of perspective while ignoring the issues behind the suicidal thoughts. Before a discussion of
suicidal thoughts is quickly wrapped and discarded, people should know that they
themselves cannot consciously choose to have suicidal thoughts and have them. Similarly,
suicidal people cannot consciously choose to stop having suicidal thoughts. This is not to
catastrophize the issue, it's acknowledging the need for help and support. If the conclusion is
that one can simply snap out of suicidal thoughts at will, the need for help and support is
dismissed.

Thoughts of suicide don't automatically condemn a person to a death by suicide. Being

suicidal doesn't always mean an imminent risk of an attempt. Suicidal thoughts vary in
intensity and it's not always possible to tell the severity of a person's suicidal thoughts. It's
therefore important to take any mention of suicide seriously and find out the intensity through
gentle communication. Some people reveal their suicidal thoughts in a measured manner to
gauge the kind of support they'll get. How they are responded to might determine if they'll
continue sharing or vaguely end the conversation which they might never start again.

Suicidal thoughts have limits in terms of duration and intensity though in a moment of crisis
they might feel endless. It's similar to how emotions are bound to fluctuate over time no
matter how intense they are at the moment. It is possible to recover from thoughts of suicide
and live an entire life free from them but the memory of the experience might remain.

Suicidal thoughts to some people are recurrent and intermittent varying in duration and
severity. At one point they might be mild and go away quickly, at another time they might
persist longer with either mild or moderate intensity. At another time they might be intensely
severe with acute distress and a profoundly distorted perception of reality. The distress is
all-consuming, blinding and capable of overwhelming all coping mechanisms and survival
instincts. Sometimes, the distress is so severe that it can be felt physically. There is a high
risk of an impulsive suicide attempt in such a crisis. After such a moment of intense distress,
there might be a fear of living through it again. In such a moment, seeking help could be
literally life saving.

Seeking help isn't the end of it, the response is just as crucial. There is a need to respond
with empathy, compassion, patience and understanding. Due to the precarious nature of an
acute suicidal crisis, it is important to involve professional assistance. Saving a life from an
acute suicidal crisis is sometimes a team effort between those who are reached out to and
the professionals. The person who has been reached out to is a lifeline providing the safety
and compassion needed until the crisis subsides.

Even if a person's suicidal moments are mild and feel manageable, there's a need to talk
about it as it could indicate issues that need attention. Suicidal thoughts are never pleasant
unless they are providing the altered perception of relief from this life. Dealing with passive
suicidal thoughts now reclaims the peace and joy they would rob down the line. It's also a
risky gamble to assume that passive suicidal thoughts won't worsen overtime. Whenever
mild and passive suicidal thoughts come and go, they live minimal traces which attach to the
experiences and challenges that caused them. These traces leave an opening for the
suicidal thoughts to return whenever such challenges are experienced again. In this way,
suicidal thoughts provide themselves with a basis and a foundation to always return under
their association with certain challenges and experiences. A generalized example might be
passive suicidal thoughts from cyberbullying. Under the pain of cyberbullying, a person might
judge life as ‘horrible and not worth living’. This might not even register as a suicidal thought
but the more the person suffers from cyberbullying with the same kind of thoughts, they start
gaining the recognizable form of suicidal thoughts. As time goes, the passive suicidal
thoughts of preferring death over life may evolve into a dangerous understanding that death
is attainable. This is one reason why ‘Early identification and support for everyone affected
by suicide and self-harm’ is a key point in some suicide prevention guidelines such as
WHO's.
“Early identification, assessment, management and follow-up ensure that people who are at
risk of suicide, or who have attempted suicide, receive the support and care that they need.”
(WHO, LIVE LIFE, An implementation guide for suicide prevention in countries)

I think it's important to address the issue of access to suicide prevention resources. An
internet user who has occasionally seen the suicide prevention hotlines might have noticed
that most are US based, particularly the ‘988’ number but what use is it to people outside the
US? Many countries have suicide prevention lifelines but they might not be as widely known
as they should be. There is also the fact that suicide rates are highest in developing
countries which might have lower access to mental health resources. If a social experiment
was conducted in a developing country asking a random person how to access professional
help for a suicide crisis, what would be found out?

Even if professional mental health services might not be available or reliable in some places,
people should not despair about it. Since crises won't stop to wait for improvement in mental
health access and suicide prevention, it is important to think of alternatives while making
effort to deal with whatever has impeded the establishment or improvement of mental health
care. One alternative might be educating the community about mental health and suicide
prevention. This shouldn't even be an alternative but a key part in improving any country's
mental health. Another strategy might be partnering with religious institutions to advocate for
mental health awareness and suicide prevention. Religions have a huge following and the
positive impact they could have in improving mental health would be significant. However,
there would be a need to balance religious beliefs and concepts with established mental
health understanding.

No one chooses to have suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts don't ask for permission to
enter a person's mind, they come uninvited and the person is dragged into a mental fight
they never asked for. It's mostly an invisible battle in the mind but no one ever goes down
without a fight.

It is often a vicious and ruthless fight but people can't directly see it or perceive it. They can
only see the effects. Suicidal thoughts are a singular challenge on their own, then there are
the factors causing them and if one is unlucky there might be worsening factors as well. A
generalized example might be a student struggling with thoughts of suicide and self-harm
from being bullied at school. Not only do they have to face the challenge of suicidal thoughts
which are highly unpleasant but they also have to face the challenge of the bullying itself. A
worsening factor might be lack of help from teachers or uncaring parents at home.
A common thing people do when fighting suicidal thoughts is seeking a distraction until the
thoughts subside. Such distractions can be found in music, movies, games, eating, sleeping,
walking, sports, art, writing, reading, walking, work etc. The distraction can be in anything the
person finds an escape. Some distractions are quite counterproductive and harmful. For
example, drug abuse, reckless indulgence and self-harm.

The coping mechanisms and distractions people use to deal with thoughts of suicide aren't
flawless. They may provide some shelter against suicidal thoughts but they have their limits.
A generalized example might be suicidal thoughts triggered by sensitivity to harsh treatment
in a setting where one cannot access their ‘escape’ activity such as walking or music. Such a
setting could be at work, school or home. Without the distraction, the person is exposed to
the full experience of their suicidal thoughts. It doesn't necessarily mean that the person will
be actively suicidal but they will experience a greater range of the distress than if they had
access to their coping mechanism. Distractions and coping mechanisms should ideally not
be substitutes for external support. Besides, suicidal thoughts are not guaranteed to remain
at their manageable level of intensity. An unexpected wave of suicidal crisis could be severe
enough to overwhelm the distractions.

There are times when suicidal thoughts get an upper hand and the situation becomes nearly
unbearable. This sparks a strong wish to talk to someone about the struggle, it's almost a
compulsion, or a pressing need to communicate. There's an urge to share the pain but the
mind is selective about who will be talked to. The person's mind rapidly scans for the person
who is most likely to listen, show patience and be comfortable to talk with. Finding such a
person is one thing, starting the conversation is another.

The person most likely to listen and understand is also most likely to be affected and worried
by the pain shared with them. This understanding casts a person into a dilemma, whether to
share or not. There might be a thought that opening up will cause too much sorrow for the
other person. Some people experience a strong reluctance to cause that sorrow; they
hesitate to share their struggles but the urge to talk still remains. A generalized example of
such a thought in narration might be, “I could talk to the mechanic about this. The tailor is
also a thoughtful and kind person. They will care more than I wish them to and they will feel
the pain. They will be too concerned. They will continue being worried about me longer than
I wish them to. I should probably wait”.

Some people end up choosing silence even when the people they don't wish to burden with
their problems would really want them to confide. The anxiety of burdening others has a
hidden and false belief that the people who care will continue being worried because nothing
will get better. The truth is that reaching out is a part of getting better and that is what people
who care would want to see. Their worry and concern will fade when they see the person
getting better. But the desire not to burden others twisted by the despair of suicidal thoughts
prevents one from seeing it.

The difficulty of reaching out does not end the desperate need to talk. Something in the mind
keeps pushing for communication and connection. Out of this need to talk and the difficulties
of talking about suicide, people may make vague and indirect statements or comments that
hint at their desperation. Generalized examples of such statements and comments might be:
“What is so wrong about dying?”, “I don't mind getting hit by a car unless i'll survive”, “I don't
believe I'll make it to 30”, “There’s a possibility that I won't be here next Christmas”. If
someone catches on to the hidden layers in such comments, the suicidal person might
reveal their mind or dismiss any concerns and seriousness.

The internet offers anonymity and a powerful pooling of interests. The anonymous nature of
the internet enables people to overcome the difficulty of talking about suicide to an extent. It
is tragically easier to type ‘I am feeling suicidal’ on the internet than to say the same thing in
real life. The internet bringing together people with similar interests creates some digital
spaces where the common interest is suicidal thoughts and weariness of life. Such a space
can be the comment section of a post related to suicide or hopelessness. The general
sentiment in such internet groups can vary. Some spaces are about despair and giving up.
Some have a general sentiment and attitude of resilience, encouragement and healing.
Other spaces have a unified voice of condemning suicide and might have great potential to
stigmatize suicide and mental health. It is not easy to predict what a suicidal person will feel
after going through these digital spaces and experiencing their overall setiment. One might
feel a sense of relief to know that other people go through similar challenges. One might feel
a close connection with despair and hopelessness. One might feel encouraged and
strengthened. One might feel like an outsider when hearing of how others are getting better
yet seeing no change in their own life. One might feel shattered after going through an online
group judging and condemning suicide.

People who have struggled with thoughts of suicide are very receptive to suicide related
topics. Just the mention of the word ‘suicide’ is enough to attract their attention. Suicide is
more than a topic to them, it’s an issue central to their mind every now and then. Their
automatic attention to any mention of suicide can be likened to seeing a floating log when
one is being swept by a strong current in a river. All interest and focus is on that log. Suicide
is a topic they would want to engage with almost any time but there are limiting factors.
Suicide is a headline in the news or a title to an article or video on the internet. People can
post their comments but what about personal discussions? The keen awareness and
attention people struggling with thoughts of suicide have towards the topic can be leveraged
to break the silence and start the talk because they would want to talk about it.

There are many fears and anxieties that cause suicidal people to hesitate sharing their
problem. Some of these fears and anxiety are founded on the uncertainty of knowing how
the other person will react. There is fear of an overreaction. There is fear of being gossiped
and talked about. There is fear of being committed to a mental health institution. There is
fear of being seen as a mad or insane person. There is fear of worrying others. There is fear
of being misunderstood and invalidated. There is fear on how one will be perceived long
after they open up about their problem. There is fear of strained relationships if the talk won’t
go well. Not all suicidal people will experience these fears. These fears are worse when one
has directly lived through them or when one has reasons to believe that they will come true.

Some people might have open communication as a quality in their life and it would be
somewhat easier to share their suicidal struggles with somebody. They might have a clear
understanding and acceptance of their emotions and a sense of freedom to share what they
feel. Other people might be more guarded in their communication. Their ability and
willingness to share what they feel might be more suppressed. If they find it difficult to
express regular emotions, opening up about a sensitive case like suicidal thoughts would be
more difficult.

More than 720 000 people die by suicide every year. For each suicide, there are an
estimated 20 suicide attempts (WHO) More than 700,000 suicides are far too many. “All
ages, sexes, and regions of the world are affected. Each item of data here (the statistics)
represents a life that has been lost to suicide; each loss is one too many.”(Suicide in the
world: Global Health Estimates) The World Health Organization has set a target to reduce
global suicide rates by one-third by 2030. “Global target 3.2: The rate of suicide will be
reduced by one-third, by 2030” (WHO, Comprehensive Mental Health Action Plan
2013–2030) Everyone is needed to achieve this goal. And it’s not just a goal, it’s a human
thing about care and love. It’s a challenge to care and showing love that makes a difference.

Communication is an indispensable element in suicide prevention. It starts with

communication and it’s sustained by communication. There are some things that could
breakdown communication with a suicidal person. Sometimes, one might not even be aware
of the effect of their words and reactions.

If we are upset at someone for revealing their suicidal thoughts and we request or demand
that they should not speak such things again, our request might be fulfilled. But it won’t
mean that their struggle is over just because they no longer talk about it.

If we respond to a confession about suicidal thoughts with anger and rebuke, the person
might be driven further from us and closer to their despair.

If our basis for dismissing a person’s struggle with thoughts of suicide is because someone
somewhere has it worse, it only serves to invalidate their experience. The echo in their mind
is that their problems are irrelevant and mean nothing to no one.

If our response to someone opening up about their suicidal crisis is the concept of hell and
eternal damnation, we should try to distinguish fear from hope and encouragement. It is
unlikely that the person will share their struggles with us again if hell is all we have to offer.

If we make a person’s suicidal confession the talk of the town, we break their trust and it’s
quite unlikely that they would confide in us again. This doesn’t mean promises to keep their
matters secret but it doesn’t also mean gossiping about it.

If we turn a suicidal confession into a beatdown lecture of what life is all about, we might lose
sight of the pain and challenges that burden them.

If we make it our point to show a suicidal person the pain and devastation their decision
would cause the people they care about, guilt becomes our focus rather than understanding
what could cause one to consider such a decision.

If we overreact to a suicidal confession and make a scene out of it, the person might
suddenly get better and dismiss their own problems. But they never got better, they were
only escaping our overreaction and there’s a chance that we will never see their vulnerability
again.
If our response to someone sharing their weariness of life is a judgement of cowardice and
selfishness, we condemn their struggle and miss the chance to know the root of their
despair. The person is also less likely to seek help where they once found judgement instead
of understanding.

If something alien to our character and hostile to our values causes us to dare a person in
crisis to go ahead and kill themselves, we should look into ourselves to see if that is who we
are. It might seem like a tough love approach or advanced reverse psychology but we might
never understand the pain caused by that insensitivity.

Listening is the bridge to the mind of a person troubled by thoughts of suicide. Listening
facilitates and encourages communication. Listening is an empathetic response from love. It
shows care and willingness to understand. Opening up about thoughts of suicide can be
very challenging. There might be a need to create a comfortable atmosphere conducive for
such a talk. Keeping calm is a part of creating that comfortable presence. Calmness
counters the tension in the person’s mind. It shows them that it is safe to continue talking
and that such a talk is welcome again in the future. Patience is another part of that
comfortable presence. Patience allows one to listen to all that needs to be said. Patience
allows one to follow the talk at the person’s own phase, through all their indirect statements
and euphemisms until they are comfortable enough to say that suicide has been on their
mind. Listening does not mean silence; complete silence can be quite uncomfortable.
Listening is about having a normal conversation with the person with the intention to
understand, and to offer compassion and support. Effective listening achieves the person’s
trust and they can honestly share deeper things that might have been waiting for that level of
trust.

Suicidal thoughts are not definite tasks in a to-do list that can be checked off in one sitting.
There is a need for ongoing support and checking in on the person to see how they are
doing. Because the first talk happened, it becomes easier to talk about it again and even
more directly. The person knows that they have found a refuge and a safe place in another
person’s mind.

Concern and worry are normal responses to a suicidal confession. It can be quite
challenging to know that a person one cares about has been considering death as a way out
of their misery. The people who listen need help too from someone else. They also need to
talk about what they are feeling. Offering emotional support to a suicidal confession can be
draining and it’s understandable considering the gravity of the situation. Feeling drained
does not mean that one doesn’t care. If professionals can be burned out while operating
from an objective, professional and empathetic stand point, how much more so a
non-professional going through it at their maximum emotional capacity? This shows the
importance of self-care and the need for professional support.

Tragically, not everyone wins the battle in their mind. In a moment of overwhelming distress
under a dense fog of hopelessness, a person’s light goes out. The survival instinct is a
powerful force and it takes an equal or greater force to subdue it. A person who lost their life
to despair may have silently grieved for the people and things they loved before they are
grieved for. A suicidal person may look at their family, their children, their friends, their
workmates, their life and understand how much they are losing. They might be aware of the
pain their decision will cause but the fangs of suicidal thoughts don’t loosen their grip. The
love they have for the people in their life becomes a reason to keep fighting. Some live for
others and not for themselves but the battle rages on in their mind. Their grief may have
never been known and it might never be known. A person could win the battle in their mind a
hundred times but the single loss that claims their life might be what they are remembered
for. There is more to the life of a person who died by suicide than how they passed away.