THE

FOUR
PRINCIPLES
OF
RELATIONSHIP
BUILDING

Inside

Discover the 4 Principles

used by Fred Swaniker,
who was recognized by
Time Magazine as one of the
100 Most Influential People
 Table of Contents

I. Introduction
II. The 4 Principles of Successful Relationships
A. Develop a connection

B. Continuously Interact

C. Build Trust

D. Collaborate

III. Conclusion
 I. An Introduction to
Relationship Building

Why is relationship-building According to a LinkedIn global survey, 80% of

professionals believe that professional networking can
so important? elevate their career success. Additionally, a study
conducted by Harvard Business Review on 165 lawyers
In 1936, the author Dale Carnegie published a book - an at a large North American law firm. Through this study, it
instruction manual - that would later come to shape was discovered that networking was the top driver
people’s perspective on interacting and connecting behind their internal and external success in the firm -
professionally. His best-selling book, ‘How to win friends networking influenced how many clients they brought
and influence people’ has to date sold over 30 million into the business and also what clients they got
copies worldwide and has also been ranked as the assigned to.
seventh most influential book in American history. This
book has also been a guiding north star for many
including business tycoon, Warren Buffet who took a
class based on this book at an early age of 20 years. But
despite its increasing fame, one might stop to ask, ‘why of professionals believe

80%
has a book about making friends - an activity some may that professional
consider simple enough - become so important for networking can elevate
many?’ their career success.

The truth, despite the popularity and great amount of

literature published on this topic, the art of building
authentic and meaningful relationships, is a skill that
Although these statistics greatly highlight the
many often overlook or struggle to harness.
importance of networking, it’s important to note that
networking is significantly different from the art of
According to research, 38% of relationship-building. Networking is often transactional,
professionals find it hard to continue impersonal and utilized for self-seeking good.
Relationship-building on the contrary, goes deeper than
maintaining their business
simply introducing yourself to someone. It’s connecting
relationships. over shared interests and nurturing a relationship that is
mutually beneficial to both parties. At our very core as
Yet, whether professionally or personally, having the right humans, we are social beings who function through
relationships or the ability to build these relationships is connecting and socializing with others, yet in the same
fundamental to how we socialize and access breath despise being used. We build relationships on
opportunities in life. As Carnegie summarizes in his book, the assumption that we should all bring in as much as
when it comes to succeeding in life, “it is not about what we take. Despite this understanding, quite often,
you know, but who you know”. individuals fail to focus on building relationships
professionally as they do in their personal lives. Even
This phrase has been proven over and over in the then, they fail to understand that relationship-building is
business world, where many individuals and leaders not just a skill, but a process that requires investment of
acknowledge relationship-building and networking as one time and effort to nurture strong and authentic
of the top 5 skills needed to become a successful leader. relationships.
 II. The 4 Principles of
Relationship Building
As a leader, it is important that you are able to harness the art of relationship building. In this white paper, we walk you
through 4 Key Principles that can help you build more authentic and meaningful relationships. From developing a
connection, continuously interacting, building trust and finally collaboration, these 4 Principles encourage you to take
the time to truly connect with others and nurture great relationships that can last a lifetime.

It’s important to note that the tips highlighted in this paper are not for a quick-fix or used to simply gain something.
Similar to your personal relationships where you don’t rush to become great friends or marry someone, your
professional relationships also require you to invest proper time and effort to harness great relationships. This begins
with the key principle of developing a connection.

Develop a connection ride that inspire people to not only continue reaching
out to you, but to also want to invest in you further as
illustrated by the results of this Harvard study. After all,
as Maya Angelou once said, “people will forget what
you said, people will forget what you did, but people
All great relationships are built on a strong foundation of
will never forget how you made them feel.” So, that
having a connection. Sometimes referred to as
first connection is key towards ensuring that your
chemistry, a connection is that things keeps you coming
relationship starts off in the right place. How do you
back to that person and still having something to talk
develop a connection?
about. It can be built over shared interests or over simply
acknowledging little details about the other person that
will spark a conversation and in the long-term a Be Authentic
connection. Emma Seppala from the Stanford Center for
Compassion and Altruism Research states, “People who When interacting with new people, there is often a lot of
feel more connected to others have...higher self-esteem, pressure to present yourself in the right way - you have
greater empathy for others, are more trusting and the pressure to say the right thing, laugh at the right
cooperative and, as a consequence, others are more place, or simply just do the right thing. In an attempt to
open to trusting and cooperating with them.” please others, many of us often hide our true
personalities and instead begin relationships with
inauthentic impressions. But did you know that being
inauthentic negatively impacts not only the foundation of
Similarly, a study conducted by Harvard the relationship but also our well-being? In author Talita
Business Review on women’s groups Ferreira’s book ‘Authenticity Resolved’, she explores how
illustrated that after attending a conference being inauthentic causes stress and discord for an
for women, 71% of the attendees not only individual.
felt more connected, but also tripled their
odds of getting a pay raise by 10%. Being authentic also requires you to show a genuine
interest in others while interacting with them. It’s
important to be present in the conversations that you
It is these connections, whether developed at a have to ensure that you not only ask the right questions
women’s conference, a dinner party or an elevator but also show others that you value the opportunity
to interact with them. It’s important to remember the old based on shared interests and goals, you’ll be more
adage successful at your job, because people want to work with
people they know and like.”
“treat others the way you want to be
Remember the little details
treated”
One of the most important ways of developing a
when you interact with others. But even more importantly, connection with others is through noticing and
is a new statement that many in the business world are remembering the small details about the person you
adopting, ‘treat people as people and not as transactions’. interact with. The late David Rockefeller, American banker
Instead of seeing people for what they can do for you, it’s and chief executive of Chase Manhattan Corporation truly
more important to take the time to actually get to know embodied this. During his life, he managed to create a
them and develop a longer-term relationship that will large network of friendships because he insisted on putting
eventually yield more benefits than a short-term relationships first. As this Forbes feature explains,
transaction. Rockefeller believed that “my effectiveness depended on
my ability to develop a network of people with reliable
information.” Consequently, by the time he passed away,
Identify Shared Interests
Rockefeller had created a 5-feet high Rolodex that
According to research conducted on what makes a contained contact information for 100,000 people.
successful marriage, it was discovered that 64% of
couples attributed having shared interests as a top factor
that kept them together. Although it would be easy to talk
about the weather or observations made in your
immediate environment, like marriage, relationships that
last long require both parties to have shared interests. To
discover your shared interest, you can begin by
encouraging storytelling. Telling stories allow us to make
sense of how others have experienced life and further
connect with them.

Source: The Wall Street Journal

Studies further show

that telling stories Now what is unique about Rockefeller’s Rolodex, is that
makes you 22 times unlike many individuals who simply just collect

22X more memorable than if

you just shared facts or
impersonal narrations
business cards, he went an extra step and also wrote
little details about the person he connected with. For
example, when he connected with J.F Kennedy, he
about your life. wrote, “First met in England with his father who was
then ambassador to England…Harvard class of ’38. He
wrote a book on Europe after he got out of college. It
was a bestseller.”
So the next time you meet someone, encourage them to
share their story, or be vulnerable enough to also share Being able to notice and refer back to these little details
yours. when you interact with others shows that you care and
makes people feel seen and appreciated. Dorie Clark,
Once you have been able to identify your shared author of Reinventing You: Define Your Brand, Imagine
interests, it is imperative that your future communications Your Future believes, “the key to maintaining a
build on this. For example, if you discovered that you are professional network is to “be in the orbit” of the people
both passionate about a topic such as women you’re trying to cultivate so that, if you require their
empowerment, you can share a book or an article you assistance down the road, “you are still top of mind.”
came across that is related to this topic. Additionally, You will only be at the top of their mind if they have a
when it comes to business, Shelley Zalis, CEO of connection with you or remember why they initially
theFemale Quotient says, “When you create connections connected with you.
 Continuously It’s important that even in these interactions, you

Interact ensure that your values are both aligned. One CEO
illustrates this through the story below:

Before I was intentional about it, I would try

Did you know that according to a study published in the
and connect with as many people as possible
Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, “it takes
without fully understanding where our values
about 50 hours of time with someone before you
lay. What would happen is that over 70% of
consider them a casual friend, 90 hours before you
these connections would end up losing interest
become real friends, and about 200 hours to become
and stop interacting after a while. It wasn’t that
close friends.” Building meaningful relationships takes
I was not a good person - we simply were not
time and effort. For you to transition from simply meeting
aligned on our interests, values and the
at an event to actually developing a real relationship, you
mission that we were passionate about.
need to continuously interact with the person.

As you continue pursuing these interactions, it's

From making time for in-person check-ins to connecting
important to consider that continuous interaction is not
online, there are various ways in which you can
about the quantity - the amount of time you spend
continuously interact with your connections. To begin, the
reaching out to people - but truly about the quality of
first step in creating a cadence of interactions is following
your interactions. And even more importantly, you
up. Through your networking or meeting new people, you
should also be cognizant of when to let go of certain
may meet a lot of people who might not have the time to
relationships - if you realize that you are following up
make that first re-connection.
but the person on the other end has no interest, it’s
alright to let go of that connection. As Rama says, it’s
important “to find places of connection between your
In fact, studies indicate that nearly personal purpose and that of those you interact with to
88% of business cards handed out enable you to walk together and support each other.”

get thrown out in less than a week.

Build Trust
Therefore, you need to take the first initiative to follow
up with a timely response that ensures you stay at the
top of the mind of the person you are connecting with. The next step towards creating meaningful and long-
As this Forbes article highlights, you can begin by lasting relationships is building trust. From personal
sending an email, use tools such as LinkedIn and relationships to business connections, trust is an
even set up one-on-one meetings that let you further important driver behind the level and quality of interaction
interact and develop a deeper connection. However that people have. Some studies suggest that there are
you interact, the key is to remain personal and strong correlations between the level of trust and
authentic in what you say or do. Rama Diallo, CEO of economic success.
Orange Money Senegal and Room member takes it
an extra step with this unique approach:
In the business world trust in the workplace
Many years ago, I made a resolution that I contributes to:
would become more intentional and personal
around the New Year. With everyone sending
generic messages, I instead spent the first few
days of the year truly connecting with my 50% 76%
friends and family over a phone conversation
productivity & more
where I would check-in, pray for them and also engagement
iterate my gratitude for their friendship. Even
with technology, we can make an extra effort to
build meaningful and personal relationships.
 Unfortunately, according to research conducted by Pew costs will go up”. Establishing trust is crucial for ensuring
Research Center, the rise of technology and online- that your relationship grows with your connections - the
behaviours has weakened the value of trust, forcing it to more they trust you, the more they will share their
take a back seat as people compete to try and appear resources, networks and even time with you.
as perfect as possible. Now more than ever, it is
increasingly important that you build and maintain trust
to ensure your relationships last as many crumble.

American investor and business tycoon Warren Buffet Collaborate

has often been quoted for his beliefs in building
relationships with trust. He says,

Finally, the last principle of building authentic and

“after some other mistakes, I learned meaningful relationships is harnessing the power of
to go into business only with people collaboration. This is a phase that many often want to
skip to from introduction, yet also truly fail to get to. As
whom I like, trust and admire”.
many fail to realize, collaborating with others - whether
asking them to invest in your business, become your
True to this, Buffet has managed to build a $500 billion
partner or even connect you to someone else - like trust
company on the basis of developing trust with those he
takes a while to build up. It requires baby steps that
employees and partners with.
grow as your trust in each other also grows. In the
beginning of your relationship, it's important to begin
Building trust doesn’t come overnight. When looking
with simple ways of collaborating or reaching out to the
back at his journey, Fred Swaniker, CEO of the African
other person for support. For example, an email simply
Leadership Group says that,
requesting to connect and learn from the other person
will have a 96% success rate compared to an email
asking for a big investment of resources, time or
“some of my biggest financial supporters networks.
today started a decade ago by simply making
introductions to a few of their contacts. Once In collaborating or requesting to collaborate with others,
their trust in me grew, they then finally it's important to consider the following questions:
opened up the rest of their network and
especially their key connections”. 1. Is the purpose of the collaboration clearly
defined?

As this illustrates, trust often takes a long time to build 2. Have you invited the right people to participate
and is developed through a combination of maintaining who have the expertise and passion required to
integrity, consistency and delivery. As you continue effectively collaborate and add to the project?
interacting with others, you will develop the trust when
you show you are a person of your word, are consistent 3. Does this collaboration add value to both
in behavior and can generally “deliver the goods”. People parties?
then begin to trust you - and you also trust them - when
they can see concrete, repeated evidence that backs up In considering these questions, you ensure that you are
what you claim about yourself. not only aligned on what to do, but both parties can also
add and gain value from the collaboration. It’s especially
Part of building trust is also being accountable to those important to ask these questions when evaluating what
you interact with. For example, if someone invests in kind of collaboration you want to have and whether your
you, it’s important to not only do what you said you would connection has the capacity to contribute. Research
do with the money, but also follow-up and show how you illustrates that only 20% to 30% of value-added
are spending that money. In his book, The Speed of collaborations come from only 3% to 5% of the people
Trust, author Stephen M.R Covey explains that “when on the team. Therefore, it is really crucial to evaluate
trust goes up, speed will also go up and cost will go who you collaborate with to ensure that your work is
down, when trust goes down, speed will go down and successful.
 III. Conclusion

Don’t rush the process Everyone is worth talking to

The number of people who transition from the first When you walk into a new room, it’s often difficult to
principle of relationship-building to the last one, determine who may become your future partner, investor
significantly decreases as many fail to invest the time or supporter. The only way that this can be done is
and attention needed to develop meaningful through unbiasedly, taking the time to know and interact
relationships. Just as various experts strongly urge with others, without the expectation of getting anything.
against rushing into a serious relationship, it is important The following story from a CEO effectively illustrates this
to take the time to really understand, align on values and point:
interests and build a connection with those you interact
with. Through understanding each other better, you are
able to develop your social cognition of others to further
predict their behavior and also share experiences. I once attended a lunch event in Silicon
Valley that was attended by one of the
wealthiest women in the world. As soon as
Hold back the ask she walked in, everyone swarmed around her
and tried to talk to her. Deciding not to join in
the frenzy, I found a table with an empty seat
Quite often when we meet influential people, our first next to an unassuming lady I didn’t recognise.
instinct is to jump into asking for something or pitching We started talking, and soon after, I realised
our projects and ideas. However, studies suggest that that she ran a family foundation backed by
holding back your ask and taking the time to understand one none other than Sergei Brin, one of the
and align before collaborating increases the likelihood of co-founders of Google (who was worth over
your request being successful. This is best illustrated $30 billion)! While others flocked to the
through the following story: famous billionaire trying to pitch transactions,
I was quietly sitting beside the woman who
had access to the most wealth in the room.
As an entrepreneur, one of the most significant
challenges is managing cash. I have had
moments where I was really close to running out
of cash. On one occasion, I met a billionaire who Additionally to giving everyone a chance, it’s also
could have easily solved that problem. During our interesting to note that we are only six degrees of
first meeting, it was tempting to rush to phase separation from those we would actually like to meet.
four and ask for money. But I knew I would not be This theory, which has been backed by many including
successful because I hadn't established trust yet. Microsoft who conducted a whole study to prove the
I had to hold back throughout the lunch, because theory, suggests that you are only six introductions away
as the person talked through their long term from any other person on the planet. With this possibility,
interests, I realized our interests were far apart it means that in order for you to be potentially connected
and that there was no mutual benefit - if I had to the person you want to be connected to, you need to
asked for money, I would have ruined a potential develop a good relationship and build trust with the
relationship. person you first encounter.
About the 4 Key Principles
The 4 Key Principles identified in this white-paper
were crafted by Fred Swaniker, CEO and Founder
of the African Leadership Group and The Room.
Recognized as one Time’s 100 Most Influential
People, Fred has built a large global community
that has supported him over the past 15 years in his
quest to develop 3 million entrepreneurial leaders
for Africa by 2035. His organizations employ over
1,000 people and have raised over $600 million.
Fred attributes his milestones and achievements to
the network of investors, supporters and talent he
has worked and established trust with over the
years.

To learn more about The Room visit

theroom.com or email
[email protected].

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