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Chapter 1
The Government and Not-For-Profit Environment

TRUE/FALSE (CHAPTER 1)

1. The main objective of a typical governmental or not-for-profit entity is to earn a profit.

2. A government’s budget may be backed by the force of law.

3. Governmental entities have no need for an accounting system.

4. A government’s internal managers rely on general purpose financial statements for a

considerable amount of information about their government.

5. Governments and not-for-profits may never engage in business-type activities.

6. Lenders use the financial statements of governments and not-for profits just as they would
those of businesses, that is, to help assess the borrower’s credit-worthiness.

7. Financial statements, no matter how prepared, do not directly affect the economic worth of
an entity.

8. The Financial Accounting Standards Advisory Board’s standards do not apply to the federal
Department of Treasury.

9. Governments may be subject to the same pressures that led to accounting scandals like
Enron.

10. The Governmental Accounting Standards Board establishes generally accepted accounting
principles for all state and local government entities, as well as all not-for-profit entities.

Granof Test Bank Chapter 1 Page 1

MULTIPLE CHOICE (CHAPTER 1)

1. A primary characteristic that distinguishes governmental entities from business entities is

a) The need to generate revenues equal to or in excess of expenditures/expenses.
b) The importance of the budget in the governing process.
c) The need to provide goods or services.
d) The correlation between revenues generated and demand for goods or services.

2. A primary characteristic that distinguishes not-for-profit entities from business entities is

a) The need to generate revenues equal to or in excess of expenditures/expenses.
b) The importance of the budget in the governing process.
c) The need to provide goods or services.
d) The correlation between revenues generated and demand for goods or services.

3. Which of the following characteristics distinguishes a governmental or not-for-profit entity

from a business entity?
a) There is always a direct link between revenues generated and expenditures/expenses
incurred.
b) Capital assets are used to produce revenues and save costs.
c) Revenues are always indicative of demand for goods and services.
d) The mission of the entity will determine the goods or services provided.

4. The most significant financial document provided by a governmental entity is the

a) The balance sheet.
b) The operating statement.
c) The operating budget.
d) The cash flow statement.

5. Which of the following statements is true?

a) Governments may engage in activities similar to activities engaged in by for-profit
entities.
b) There are a limited number of different types of governments.
c) All governmental entities engage in the same activities.
d) Managers may have a long-term focus and thereby sacrifice the short-term liquidity of
the entity.

6. Which of the following activities is NOT an activity in which a governmental entity might
engage?
a) Selling electric power.
b) Operating a golf course.
c) Operating a bookstore.
d) All of the above are activities that might be carried out by a government.

7. In which of the following activities is a not-for-profit entity least likely to engage?

a) Providing educational services.
b) Providing health-care services.
c) Providing for terrorism defense.
d) Retail sales of cookies.

Granof Test Bank Chapter 1 Page 2

8. Which of the following can be affected by GAAP?
a) Legal ability to issue bonds.
b) Ability to balance the budget.
c) Amount reported as employee pension plan contributions.
d) Claims and judgments settled.

9. Which of the following characteristics is unique to a governmental entity?

a) The ability to have activities financed with tax-exempt debt.
b) The power to impose fees.
c) The ability to issue tax-exempt debt.
d) The ability to have activities financed by Federal grants.

10. To obtain a comprehensive understanding of a government’s fiscal health, a financial analyst

should obtain an understanding of which of the following?
a) All of the resources owned by the governmental entity.
b) All of the resources which may be summoned by a governmental entity.
c) Demographic data about the residents served by the governmental entity.
d) All of the above.

11. Which of the following is common to both governments and not-for-profit entities but
distinguishes these entities from for-profit entities?
a) The budget is a legal, financial document.
b) Revenues are usually indicative of demand for goods or services.
c) There is direct matching of revenues and expenses.
d) There are no defined ownership interests.

12. Which of the following is NOT a purpose of external financial reporting by governments?
External financial reports should allow users to
a) Assess financial condition.
b) Compare actual results with the budget.
c) Assess the ability of elected officials to effectively manage people.
d) Evaluate efficiency and effectiveness.

13. Which of the following is NOT a reason why users need governmental and not-for-profit
external financial statements?
a) To determine the ability of the entity to meet its obligations.
b) To determine the ability of the entity to continue to provide services.
c) To predict future fiscal solvency.
d) To evaluate the overall profitability of the entity.

14. Users of government financial statements should be interested in information about

compliance with laws and regulations for which of the following reasons?
a) To determine if the entity has complied with bond covenants.
b) To determine if the entity has complied with taxing limitations.
c) To determine if the entity has complied with donor restrictions on the use of funds.
d) To determine all of the above.

Granof Test Bank Chapter 1 Page 3

15. Which of the following is NOT generally considered a main user of government and not-for-
profit entity external financial statements?
a) Investors and creditors.
b) Taxpayers.
c) Donors.
d) Internal managers.

16. Which of the following is a probable use a donor would make of the external financial
statements of a not-for-profit entity?
a) To determine the proportion of entity resources directed to programs as opposed to fund-
raising.
b) To determine the creditworthiness of the entity for investment purposes.
c) To determine the salaries paid to all employees of the entity.
d) To determine the budget of the entity.

17. A regulatory agency would use the external financial statements of a local government for
which of the following purposes?
a) To assure that the entity is spending and receiving resources in accordance with laws,
regulations or policies.
b) To determine how resources should be allocated.
c) To exercise general oversight responsibility.
d) To do all of the above.

18. Which of the following constituency groups would be most likely to evaluate government
financial statements to determine likely areas in which to achieve cost-savings?
a) Creditors.
b) Union officials representing the government’s employees.
c) Federal agencies that provide purpose-restricted grants.
d) Students of governmental accounting.

19. Which of the following objectives is considered to be the cornerstone of financial reporting
by a governmental entity?
a) Accountability.
b) Budgetary compliance.
c) Interperiod equity.
d) Service efforts and accomplishments.

20. Which of the following is an objective of financial reporting by governmental entities as

established by GASB?
a) Financial reporting should assist users in assessing the management skills of top
management.
b) Financial reporting should assist users in determining if current-period revenues were
sufficient to pay for current-period services.
c) Financial reporting should assist users in evaluating the cash management operations of
the governmental entity for the year.
d) Financial reporting should assist users in assessing whether the government provided
appropriate services to its constituents in the current year.

Granof Test Bank Chapter 1 Page 4

21. Which of the following is an objective of financial reporting for not-for-profit entities as
established by FASB? Financial reporting should provide information that is useful to
present and potential resource providers and other users in:
a) Assessing the types of services provided and the need for those services.
b) Assessing the services provided and the entity’s ability to earn a profit.
c) Making rational decisions about the allocation of resources to those organizations.
d) Assessing how managers have managed personnel.

22. As used by GASB, interperiod equity refers to which of the following? Financial reporting
should:
a) Demonstrate compliance with finance-related contractual requirements.
b) Provide information to determine whether current-year revenues were sufficient to pay
for current-year services.
c) Demonstrate whether resources were obtained and used in accordance with the entity’s
legally adopted budget.
d) Provide information to assist users in assessing the government’s economy, efficiency,
and effectiveness.

23. Given a specific set of data, the basis of accounting selected by or imposed on a
governmental entity will least affect which of the following?
a) Determining whether or not the governmental entity has a balanced budget.
b) Determining whether or not the governmental entity has the ability to issue debt.
c) Determining whether or not certain economic events occurred.
d) Determining the annual payments to a government-sponsored pension plan.

24. The basis of accounting selected by or imposed on a governmental entity can influence which
of the following?
a) A decision to contract-out a specific service rather than provide that service itself.
b) The amount of salary increases proposed by union negotiators.
c) The amount that is available to spend on a donor-specified project or service.
d) All of the above.

25. The Governmental Accounting Standards Board is the primary standard-setting body for:
a) All governments.
b) All state and local governments.
c) All governments and all not-for-profit entities.
d) All state and local governments and all not-for-profit entities.

26. Under certain circumstances a governmental entity might use standards established by which
of the following standard-setting bodies?
a) GASB.
b) FASB.
c) AICPA.
d) All of the above.

Granof Test Bank Chapter 1 Page 5

27. The primary standard-setting body for accounting and financial reporting by a state-
supported college or university is:
a) GASB.
b) FASB.
c) AICPA.
d) All of the above.

28. In descending order, the hierarchy of GAAP applicable to a church-owned college may be:
a) FASB Statements and Interpretations, FASB Technical Bulletins, AICPA Industry Audit
Guides, FASB Implementation Guides, other accounting literature—including GASB
Standards.
b) FASB Statements and Interpretations, FASB Technical Bulletins, FASB Implementation
Guides, AICPA Practice Bulletins (if cleared by FASB).
c) GASB Statements and Interpretations, AICPA Industry Audit Guides, GASB
Implementation Guides, other accounting literature—including FASB Standards.
d) GASB Statements and Interpretations, GASB Technical Bulletins, AICPA Industry Audit
Guides, AICPA Practice Bulletins (if cleared by GASB), GASB Implementation Guides,
other accounting literature—including FASB standards.

29. Which of the following entities was a principal in creating the FASAB?
a) U.S. Congress.
b) Office of Management and Budget.
c) Governmental Accounting Standards Board.
d) Securities and Exchange Commission.

30. The purpose of the FASAB is to:

a) Establish accounting standards for not-for-profit entities.
b) Establish accounting standards for federal entities.
c) Establish accounting standards for all governmental entities.
d) Establish accounting standards for non-federal governmental entities.

Granof Test Bank Chapter 1 Page 6

PROBLEMS (CHAPTER 1)

1. Thorn County adopted a cash budget for FY2007 as follows. The City budget laws prohibit
budgeting or operating at a deficit. During the year the County collected or spent the
following amounts. Was the County in compliance with budget laws? Did the County
accomplish the goal of interperiod equity? Explain your answers in detail.

Budgeted Collected/Spent
Receipts from Property tax collections
From the 2006 levy $ 100,000 $ -0-
From the 2007 levy $1,000,000 $ 900,000
In advance for 2008 $ 50,000 $ -0-
Receipts from Bonds Issued $ 500,000 $ 500,000
Borrowed from Bank (due in 5 years) $ -0- $ 75,000
Disbursements
Salaries and Wages $ 500,000 $ 500,000
Operating Expenses $ 200,000 $ 275,000
City Hall Annex purchased $ 500,000 $ 500,000
Payments on Debt-Principal $ 150,000 $ 150,000
Payments on Interest $ 50,000 $ 50,000
Pension Contribution $ 80,000 $ -0-

Explanations provided by the City for the differences between budget and actual are as
follows. Property tax collections are down because the major industry in the community
closed and many citizens are currently unemployed. Operating expenses are up because the
only bridge over a river bisecting the City sustained damages by an uninsured motorist and
had to be repaired immediately. The repair was not budgeted.

Granof Test Bank Chapter 1 Page 7

2. Save-the-Birds (STB), a not-for-profit entity dedicated to acquiring and preserving habitat for
upland birds, prepares financial statements in accordance with generally accepted accounting
principles. Currently, standards require that a not-for-profit entity report virtually all
contributions as revenue in the year received. During the current year STB received a
donation of several hundred acres of prime habitat for upland birds. STB will require several
hundred thousand dollars in additional donations in order to make the land completely
suitable for the birds. Before embarking on its fund-raising campaign STB prepares financial
statements which are summarized as follows.

Statement of Financial Position (Balance Sheet)

Cash $ 8,000
Supplies $ 2,000
Equipment (net of depreciation) $ 5,000
Land $1,000,000
Total Assets $1,015,000

Liabilities $ 1,000
Net Assets—Unrestricted $ 14,000
Net Assets—Restricted $1,000,000
Total Liabilities and Net Assets $1,015,000

Statement of Activities (Income Statement)

Revenues $1,030,000
Expenses:
Salaries $ 30,000
Change in Net Assets $1,000,000

What difficulties, if any, will Save-the-Birds encounter in its new fund-raising drive?
Knowing that the donation of the land accounted for $1,000,000 of the revenue reported by
Save-the-Birds, do you think the financial statements present fairly the financial position and
results of operations of this not-for-profit entity?

3. Johnson City prepares its budget on the cash basis and prepares its external financial
statements on the accrual basis. From the following data prepare statements of activity
(income statements) on both the cash basis and the accrual basis. Which statement best
represents the results of operations of the City? Which statement best demonstrates
compliance with laws and regulations? Which statement would you rather see? Which
conveys the best information to the citizens of Johnson City?

The City levies taxes in the current year of $1 million. Of this amount $.9 million is collected
during the current year, $.05 will be collected next year, and $.04 will be collected in the
future. $.01 will never be collected. During the current year the City pays bills from prior
periods $.06 million, bills of the current period $.8 million, and defers payment until future
periods on bills that were received for services consumed during the current period $.1
million.

Granof Test Bank Chapter 1 Page 8

4. Certain fiscal practices of governments promote interperiod equity while others do not. For
the situations listed below, indicate whether interperiod equity is promoted or undermined.
Why?
a. Issuing 30-year serial bonds to finance the construction of capital assets with estimated
30 year lives.
b. Paying for the pensions of retired employees out of resources provided by current-period
taxpayers.
c. Charging the cost of supplies as expenditures in the year in which they were used rather
than when they were purchased.
d. Issuing 30-year bonds to finance a portion of the current period operating costs of a city’s
school system
e. Charging payments of wages and salaries made in the first week of a new year to the
previous fiscal year, the year in which the wages and salaries were earned.

Granof Test Bank Chapter 1 Page 9

ESSAY (CHAPTER 1)

1. In the United States, educational services can be provided by federal governmental entities,
by non-federal governmental entities, by not-for-profit entities, and by for-profit entities. Are
the accounting and financial reporting standards the same for each of these entities? Should
they be the same?

2. The Governmental Accounting Standards Board (GASB) stated that an objective of financial
reporting is to measure interperiod equity, that is—“Financial reporting should provide
information to determine whether current-year revenues were sufficient to pay for current-
year services.” What is your understanding of interperiod equity? What costs incurred in the
current year should be paid for by the taxpayers of the current period? What costs incurred in
the current year should be paid for by future taxpayers?

3. A not-for-profit entity raises funds to support specific programs, services, and activities. The
recipients of the programs, services, and activities are frequently not the providers of the
resources to deliver the programs, services, and activities. What information would donors to
these not-for-profit entities be interested in seeing? What information would program
beneficiaries be interested in seeing? Identify other users of the financial statements of a not-
for-profit and the types of information in which they would be interested.

4. What is the significance—for financial reporting purposes—of the fact that neither not-for-
profits nor governments have owners (stockholders)?

5. What are some of the definitional criteria that distinguish a governmental entity from a not-
for-profit entity?

6. How does the FASB influence generally accepted accounting principles for state and local
governments?

Granof Test Bank Chapter 1 Page 10

ANSWERS TO TRUE/FALSE QUESTIONS (CHAPTER 1)

1. F
2. T
3. F
4. T
5. F
6. T
7. T
8. F
9. T
10. F

ANSWERS TO MULTIPLE CHOICE (CHAPTER 1)

1. b
2. b
3. d
4. c
5. a
6. d
7. c
8. c
9. c
10. d
11. d
12. c
13. d
14. d
15. d
16. a
17. d
18. b
19. a
20. b
21. c
22. b
23. c
24. d
25. b
26. d
27. a
28. a
29. b
30. b

Granof Test Bank Chapter 1 Page 11

ANSWERS TO PROBLEMS (CHAPTER 1)

1. The City adopted a cash budget that projected an operating surplus of $170,000;
therefore, it was in compliance with the “budgeting” portion of budget laws. In addition, the
City “balanced” its current period operations. Total inflows are $1,475,000 and total
outflows are $1,475,000. The City was seriously affected by the closure of the major
employer in town. The City compensated for the shortfall in property tax revenues by failing
to make the pension contribution in the current period and by borrowing on a long-term note
at the bank. Although one expenditure category exceeded the budgeted amount (operating
expenses was $75,000 more than budgeted), another was short by $80,000 (pension
contributions). The City has probably complied with the budget laws that prohibit operating
at a deficit (if deficit is defined as a cash deficit). It has probably not complied with the
budget laws if the laws state that current revenues (not including borrowing) must be equal to
or exceed current period costs.
Interperiod equity is another issue. By failing to make the required contribution the City
has passed on to future taxpayers costs that were associated with operations of the current
period. Also, by borrowing at the bank the City has incurred obligations that must be borne
by future taxpayers.

2. Save-the-Birds will be launching a major fund-raising drive with a financial statement

that shows $1,030,000 in donations and only $30,000 in expenses. It may be difficult to
explain to potential donors why the entity is conducting a fund-raising drive at the present
time. The balance sheet should help Save-the-Birds explain why they need the additional
monies. However, many people familiar with financial statements of for-profit entities may
have difficulty understanding how an entity can generate a $1,000,000 ‘profit’ and still need
to be soliciting funds. The equity section shows Net Assets of $1,000,000. It may be difficult
for readers to understand that this is not similar to Retained Earnings in for-profit entities.
The distinction between unrestricted and restricted may be meaningless to the average reader.
[Note: Students may react as readers—why do they need another fund-raising drive now? If
so, they have failed to grasp an important issue for many not-for-profit entities.]
The financial statements of Save-the-Birds present fairly the financial position and results
of operations of the entity. The financial statements do not tell the whole story. It will be
necessary for Save-the-Birds to explain why they need the funds.

Granof Test Bank Chapter 1 Page 12

3. Johnson City financial statements would be as follows:

Cash Basis Accrual Basis

$.9 million Property tax receipts

Property tax revenues $.99 million
(.06) million Prior period expenses
Accrued expenses (.1) million
(.8) million Current expenses (.8) million
$.04 million “Net Income” $.09 million

The cash basis financial statement would best demonstrate compliance with the budget but
the non-cash basis financial statement would best convey results of operations. As a citizen, I
would like to see both because legal compliance is important to me but so are results of
operations. It may take both statements to fully inform the public about operations. [Note:
At this point students have not been exposed to 'modified accrual' accounting so they will not
struggle with revenue recognition issues imbedded in this problem.]

4.
a. Promotes interperiod equity. Because the bonds are required to be repaid over the
life of the capital assets, the cost of those assets is allocated to the periods over which
taxpayers benefit from the use of the assets.
b. Undermines interperiod equity. The employee benefits costs—pension benefits—are
paid by an entirely different generation of taxpayers—long after the employees
earned the benefits by providing services.
c. Promotes interperiod equity. Although not particularly material, supplies do not
benefit taxpayers until they are used to provide services. Reporting these as
expenditures when purchased reports the cost in a different period from when the
benefit is provided.
d. Undermines interperiod equity. Using debt to finance operating costs spreads the
cost of providing services provided in a single period over the entire term of the
long-term debt. Interest costs on the debt amplify the problem.
e. Promotes interperiod equity. Again, while possibly immaterial, reporting the cost of
providing services—in the form of wages and salaries—in the period in which
services were provided promotes interperiod equity.

Granof Test Bank Chapter 1 Page 13

ANSWERS TO ESSAY QUESTIONS (CHAPTER 1)

1. Accounting standards for educational institutions differ by the nature of the ownership.
Public schools (K-12) are accounted for in the same way as state and local governments, as
are public colleges and universities, theoretically. Private schools, colleges, and universities
are accounted for using not-for-profit standards established by FASB. For-profit educational
institutions would use the FASB rules for other for-profit entities.

Because these entities are all involved in delivering the same basic service—education—it
would appear that they should have the same standards. However, public schools are subject
to the same openness as other government activities. The citizens should have a voice in
determining what services are offered through the schools and how those services are
delivered. The budget process is the opportunity for the public to be heard and the adopted
budget is a plan of action to which citizens can, and should, hold officials accountable. For-
profit schools are organized to generate profits and should measure net income using full
accrual accounting. Not-for-profit entities generate revenues from tuition and solicit
contributions from the public, or a select group of the public. Donors to not-for-profit entities
may be interested in different information than taxpayers are interested in.

[Note: Students will have differing opinions about the appropriateness of different accounting
standards for educational institutions determined by ownership rather than by activity. The
question is designed to solicit their thoughts.]

2. Interperiod equity means that the citizens of one time period should pay the costs of the
goods and services consumed during that time period. Interperiod equity as an accounting
concept means that the financial statements should measure the success of a governmental
entity in accomplishing the goal of raising sufficient revenues to pay for the cost of services
consumed during a period. However, interperiod equity is a policy decision, not an
accounting decision.

To achieve interperiod equity, current-year taxpayers should cover the cost of current-year
services. Everyone would agree that current period operating costs should be covered,
including supplies and payroll costs. In addition, a portion of the cost of capital assets or
other improvements, which benefit more than one period, should be considered in the
equation. Finally, certain costs may not be paid until well into the future but arise from
current operations. The government’s employees earn many of these in the current period,
including accumulating vacation benefits, pension benefits, and other postemployment
benefits.

Costs that should not be included in the current year measure of interperiod equity are costs
that will benefit future periods—for example, the portion of the historical cost of capital
assets that will be allocated over future periods.

Granof Test Bank Chapter 1 Page 14

3. Donors to not-for-profit (NFP) entities are probably interested in information about the costs
incurred by the not-for-profit. Donors would be interested in comparing the cost incurred in
delivering services by one entity compared to the cost incurred by another entity for
delivering the same type of service. The amount spent on programs compared to the amount
spent on fund-raising and general and administrative costs would be of interest to donors.
Major donors should be very interested in the amounts spent on salaries to top NFP officials
because major donors are, in effect, paying those salaries. Beneficiaries would be interested
in the costs of delivering the goods and services and the success of the NFP in securing the
funds necessary to continue to deliver those goods and services.

Regulatory agencies, such as the IRS, would be very interested in the financial information of
NFP entities to assess whether they should continue to be considered a NFP entity.
Governments would be interested in the financial information of NFP entities. Many
governments are considering outsourcing or privatizing the delivery of goods and services. If
other entities can, indeed, perform those services more efficiently than government, perhaps
the services should be privatized or outsourced.

4. The obvious significance of the fact that neither not-for-profits nor governments have owners
is that neither governments nor not-for-profits report owner’s equity. More important
however, is the fact that financial reports of governments cannot focus on owners. They must
be prepared from the perspective of parties other than stockholders. Generally this focus is
on resource providers and the restrictions they place on the assets they contribute.

In addition, this distinction often means that there is less interest in the fair market values of
assets and liabilities and other accounting measures that rely on fair values, such as pension
expense. No stockholders exist to consider the price/earnings ratios of these entities or a
potential buyout/takeover.

Finally, both the FASB and GASB have called for information on service efforts and
accomplishments. These measures would be used to assess, among other things, how
effectively and efficiently the entities provide services. This information, however, is not
easily expressed in monetary measures and has not yet been included in financial statements.

5. First, and foremost, a governmental entity usually has the power to assess taxes. Not-for-
profit entities do not. In addition, governments may issue tax-exempt debt and their
governing bodies are either elected by taxpayers or appointed by another government. Less
common is the fact that a governmental entity can usually be unilaterally dissolved by
another governmental entity (usually the one that created it) and its assets assumed without
compensation. None of these things are true about not-for-profit entities.

6. The FASB influences generally accepted accounting principles of governments in two key
ways. First, FASB pronouncements are included in the GASB “hierarchy” of GAAP. FASB
pronouncements that the GASB has specifically made applicable to governments are included
in the highest category; those that the GASB has not specifically adopted are included in the
lowest category. Second, the business-type activities of governments are required (with a few
exceptions) to follow the business accounting principles as set forth by the FASB.

Granof Test Bank Chapter 1 Page 15

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made the houses and everything run past us so quick; but I soon
found out it was the craft—for I remembered the comb of the sea
did just the same when the frigate was walking along at a spanking
rate. So, for the first hour, I sits quiet and alone, keeping a sharp
look-out on the pilot, to see how he handled the braces, rounding
'em in to starboard, or to port—for, thinks I to myself, it's best to
larn everything—'cause why? who can tell but Jack Sheavehole
mayn't some day or another command just sich a consarn of his
own! and how foolish he'll look not to know which way to shape his
course, or how to steer his craft! But, I'm blowed! shipmates, if the
horses didn't seem to savvy the thing just as well as the man at the
helm; for the moment he tauten'd the gear, the hanemals slued
round o' themselves all ship-shape, and Bristor-fashion."
"Why, it was the reins that guided them," said the serjeant,
laughing.
"Then I'm blessed if it was!" returned old Jack; "for there warn't
a drop o' rain fell that arternoon—it was a bright, sun-shiny day."
"What you call twiddling-lines, they call reins," explained the
serjeant; "and the horses are steered by them."
"Mayhap so, brother,—mayhap so," responded the boatswain's
mate; "for I arn't much skilled in them matters—'cause why? I never
sail'd in one on 'em afore, and ounly once since;—the first was a
happy trip, the last was melancholy; and Jack sighed like an eddy
wind in the galley funnel. "But, to heave a-head—"
"A good look-out before, there!" shouted the mate of the watch,
from the quarter-deck, where he was showing his authority by
thrashing the youngsters.
"Ay, ay, sir!" responded the man at the cat-head; and then
added, in a lower tone, "They're having a jolly sheave-o in the
cabin!"
"It's a sad heart as never rejoices!" said the captain of the
forecastle. "But, I say, Jack! I don't like the look o' that sky to
windard."
 "It's one of two things—a parting blush o' the sun, or a gathering
squall o' the night," returned the boatswain's mate; "but we've no
reason to care about it—'cause, why? we're all as snug as possible.
Well, shipmates, to get on with my yarn:—when we'd run a league
or two, out of Portsmouth, we hove to at a victualling port, and I
spied a signal for good cheer hanging out aloft; and so, without any
bother, I boards 'em for a reg'lar stiff Nor'-wester, more nor half-and-
half, and says I to the pilot, 'Yo-hoy, shipmate!' says I, 'come, and
set up the standing backstays o' your heart a bit; and here, ould
chap, is someut to render the laneard;' and so I gives him a share
out o' the grog-tub, that set his eyes a-twinkling like the Lizard lights
on a frosty night. Well, just as we were going to trip the anchor
again, a pretty, smart-looking young woman rounds to under our
starn and ranges up alongside; and she says to the pilot, says she,
'Coachman, what'll you charge to take me to ——?' and I'm blessed
if she didn't name the very port I was bound to!"
"Why, 'tis quite romantic, Jack!" said the serjeant; "we shall, no
doubt, have a love-story presently: but, I'll wager you my grog to-
morrow, I can tell you who the female was."
"Then, I'm blowed if you can!" retorted the boatswain's mate.
"Now, who was she, pray?"
"Is it a fair bet?" inquired the serjeant with a look of conceited
knowledge.
"No, she warn't a fair Bet, nor a fair Moll either," returned old
Jack surlily. "I thought you'd know nothing whatsomever about it!
for that's always the case when a jolly tries to shove his oar into a
seaman's rullock—'cause why? he don't savvy the loom from the
blade."
The serjeant laughed. "I meant a fair wager—that is, my
allowance against yours to-morrow that I name the female."
"Done!" exclaimed the boatswain's mate; "and, shipmates, I call
you all to witness that everything's square and above-board."
 "Why, it was your Sukey, to be sure—Mrs. Sheavehole—anybody
could tell that," replied the serjeant.
"There—you're out in your chrissening, ould chap, as you'll find
presently," asserted the veteran; "and so you've lost your grog. But,
d—it! I'd scorn to take a marine's allowance from him, though you
richly desarves it."
"Come, heave ahead, Jack!" said the captain of the forecastle;
"make a clear run of it, and don't be backing and filling this fashion."
"Ay, ay, Jem, I wull, I wull," answered old Jack. "But, I say,
shipmate! just clap a stopper on the marine's chattering-gear whilst
I overhaul my log.—Oh, now I have it! Up comes the young woman,
and 'Coachman, what'll you charge no take me to ——?'—'Seven
shillings, ma'am,' says he.—'Carn't you take me for less?' axes she;
'I've ounly got five, and I am very tired with walking.'—'Not a
ha'penny less, ma'am,' says he, just as cool as an iceberg in
Hudson's Bay; 'carn't do it, ma'am.'—'Oh, do try!' says she, and I
could see sorrow was pumping the tears into her eyes; 'I would give
you more if I had it,' says she.—'Carn't help it, ma'am,' says ould
surly-chops, 'carn't help it; grub for the hanemals is very dear.'—'Oh,
what shall I do!' says she so piteously; 'night is coming on, and it's a
long way to travel on foot; I shall sink under it: do take the
money!'—'Werry sorry, my dear,' says he, shaking his blubber head
like a booby, perched on a ratlin, 'werry sorry, but never takes under
price. You must use your trotters if you arn't never got seven
bob.'—'Then I'm d—if she does!' says I, 'for you shall carry
her.'—'Gammon!' says he, as spiteful as a pet monkey; 'who's to tip
the fare?'—So I ups and tells him a piece o' my mind, and axes him
if he ever know'd anything unfair by Jack Sheavehole, or if he
thought I wanted to bilk him out o' the passage-money.—'Will you
stand the two odd bob?' axes he.—'And d' ye think I won't stand as
much as Bob or Dick, or any one else?' says I in a bit of a passion.
'Avast, ould chap!' says I; 'humanity arn't cast off the mooring
lashings from my heart yet awhile, and I hopes never will;' and so I
gives him a seven-shilling bit without any more palaver, and 'Come,
my precious,' says I, houlding out my fin, 'mount areevo;' but I'm
blessed if she didn't hang back till the pilot rung out for us to come
aboard! And 'Lord love you!' says I, 'you arn't afeard of a man-o'-
war's-man, are you?'—Oh no,' says she, brightening up for all the
world like the sun coming out of a fog-bank,—'Oh no; you have been
my friend this night, and God reward you for it!' So we soon clapped
one another alongside upon the break of the fokstle, and got to
overhauling a little smattering o' larning, by way of being civil,
seeing as we'd ounly just joined company. 'I'm thinking that's a
pretty village you're bound to,' says I in a dubersome way; 'I was
there once,' says I, 'when I was a boy about the height of a tin
pannikin;' for, shipmates, I didn't like to overhaul how I'd run away
from home. 'Pray, is ould Martin Joyce alive?' says I.—'He was when
I left yesterday morning,' says she; 'but he is confined to his bed
through illness.'—'And the ould woman.' says I, 'does she still hould
on?'—'Yes,' says my companion; 'but she's lame, and almost blind!
Well, I'm blow'd, shipmates, if I didn't feel my daylights a-smarting
with pain with the briny water that overflowed the scuppers—'cause
why? them there wur my own father and mother, in the regard of
my having been entered on the muster-books in a purser's name,
my reg'lar right-arnest one being Jack Joyce. 'And what makes you
cruising so far away from port?' says I, all kindly and messmate-like.
—'It's rather a long story,' says she; 'but as you have been so good
to me, why, I must tell you, that you mayn't think ill of me. You shall
have it as short as possible.'—'The shorter the sweeter, my precious,'
says I, seeing as I oughtn't to be silent. Well, she begins—'Sister
Susan and I are orphans; and when our parents died, ould Martin
and his dame, having no children, took us under their roof.'—'No
children!' says I. 'Why, I thought they had a young scamp of a son.'
I said this, shipmates, just to hear what she would log again me.
—'Oh yes,' says she; 'but he ran away to sea when a boy, and they
never heard from him for many years, till the other day they
received a letter from Plymouth to say he was in the Tapsickoree
frigate, and expected to be round at Spithead before long. So, the
day before yesterday, a sailor passing through the village told us she
had arrived; and so his parents getting poorer and poorer, with his
father sick and his mother lame, I thought it would be best to go to
him and tell him of their situation, that if he pleased he might come
and see them once more before they died.'—I was going to say, 'God
A'mighty bless you for it!' but I couldn't, shipmates; she spoke it so
plaintively, that I felt sumeut rise in my throat as if I was choking,
and I gulped and gulped to keep it down till I was almost strangled,
and she went on:—'So yesterday I walked all the way to Portsmouth,
and went aboard the frigate; but the officer tould me there was no
man of the name of Joyce borne upon the books.'—'It was a d—
lubberly thing!' says I, 'and now I remembers it.'—'What,' says she,
'what do you mean?'—'Oh, nothing, my precious,' says I, 'nothing in
the world;' for I thought the time warn't come for me to own who I
was, and it fell slap across my mind that the doctor's boy who writ
the letter for me, had signalised my right-arnest name at the
bottom, without saying one word about the purser's consarn of
Sheavehole. 'And so you've had your voyage for nothing,' says I,
'and now you're homeward-bound; and that's the long and the short
on it. Well, my precious, I'm on liberty; and as ould Martin did me a
kindness when I was a boy, why, I'll bring up for a few hours at his
cottage, and have a bit of a confab consarning ould times.' And the
young woman seemed mightily pleased about it; so that by the time
we got to ——, I'm blessed if, in all due civility, we warn't as thick as
two Jews on a payday. Well, we landed from the craft, and away we
made sail in consort for ould dad's cottage; and I'm blessed if
everything didn't look as familiar to me as when I was a young
scamp of a boy! but I never said not nothing; and so she knocks at
the door, and my heart went thump, thump,—by the hookey!
shipmates, but it was just as I've seen a bird try to burst out of its
cage. Presently a voice sings out, 'Who's there?'—and such a voice!
—I never heard a fiddle more sweeterer in the whole course of my
life—'Who's there?' says the voice, in regard of its being night, about
four bells in the first watch.—'It's Maria,' says my convoy,—'And Jack
Sheavehole,' says I. 'Heave ahead, my cherub! give us a clear
gangway and no favour.'—'Oh, Maria, have you brought him with
you?' said a young woman, opening the door; and by the light she
carried in her hand, she showed a face as beautiful—I'm d—if ever
they carried such a figure-head as that, in any dock-yard in the
world!—'Have you brought him with you?' says she, looking at me,
and smiling so sweetly, that it took me all aback, with a bobble of a
sea running on my mind that made my ideas heave and set like
Dutch fisherman on the Dogger-bank.—'No,' says Maria, with a
mournful sough, just as the wind dies away arter a gale—'No; there
was no such person on board the frigate, and I have had my journey
for nothing.'—'Nonsense!' says the other; 'you want to play us some
trick. I know this is he;' and she pointed to me.—'Lord love your
heart!' says I, plucking up courage, for I'd flattened in forud, and
fallen off so as to fill again,—'Lord love your heart! I'd be anything or
anybody to please you,' says I; 'but my name, d' ye mind, is Jack
Sheavehole, at your sarvice in all due civility. But let us come to an
anchor, and then we can overhaul the consarn according to Hamilton
Moore.' So we goes in; and there sat my poor ould mother by the
remains of a fire, moored in the same arm-chair I had seen her in
ten years afore, and by her side was an ould wheezing cat that I had
left a kitten; and, though the cabin-gear warn't any very great
shakes, everything was as clean as if they'd just washed the decks.
'Yo-hoy, dame!' says I, 'how do you weather the breeze?'—'Is that
my John?' says she, shipping her barnacles on her nose, like the
jaws of a spanker-boom on the saddle; and then Maria brings up
alongside of her, and spins the yarn about her passage to
Portsmouth, boarding the frigate, finding that she was out in her
reckoning, and her return with me; and ould dad, who was in his
hammock in the next berth, would have the door open to hear it all.
And I felt so happy, and they looked so downcast and sorrowful, that
I'm blessed if I could stand it any longer: so I seizes Susan round
the neck, and I pays out a kiss as long as the main-t'-bowline, till
she hadn't breath to say 'Don't;' and then I grapples 'em all round,
sarving out hugs and kisses to all hands, even to the ould cat; and I
danced round the chairs and tables so, that some o' the neighbours
came running in; and 'Blow me tight!' says I, 'side out for a bend;
here I am again, all square by the lifts and braces!'—and then I
sings,
'Here I am, poor Jack,
Just come home from sea,
With shiners in my sack'—

and I whips out a handful of guineas from my jacket pocket, and

shows 'em,—

'Pray what do you think of me?'

'What! mother,' says I, 'don't you know me? Why, I'm your true
and lawful son Jack Joyce; though, arter I run away, the purser
made twice-laid of it, and chrissened me Sheavehole, in regard of
his Majesty liking to name his own children. Never say die, ould
woman! there's plenty o' shot in the locker. And come, lasses,' says I
to the young uns, 'one on you stand cook o' the mess;' and I
empties my bag on the floor, and away rolled the combustibles,
matches, and mutton, and mousetraps, and all, scampering about
like liberty boys arter a six months' cruise; and I picks up the
bladder o' rum, and squeezes a good drain into a tea-cup, and hands
it to the ould woman, topping up her lame leg while she drinks. And,
my eyes! there was a precious shindy that night: the ould uns were
almost dying with joy, and the young uns had a fit o' the doldrums
with pleasure. So I gets the big pot under weigh, and shoves in both
legs o' mutton and a full allowance o' turnips, and I sarves out the
grog between the squalls; and ould dad blowed a whiff o' 'bacca,
and mother payed away at the snuff; and nobody warn't never
happy if we warn't happy that night. Well, we'd a glorious tuck-out o'
mutton, wi' plenty o' capers; and arter that I stows the ould woman
in alongside o' dad, kisses the girls in course, and then takes
possession o' the arm-chair, where I slept as sound as a jolly on
sentry."
"That's libellous!" exclaimed the serjeant somewhat roughly, as if
offended; "it is an unjust reflection, and is clearly libellous."
"It's all the same to ould Jack whose bellows it is," returned the
boatswain's mate carelessly; "it's no lie, howsomever, for none
sleeps so soundly as a marine on duty. But I arn't got time to
overhaul that consarn now; I know I laid in a stock of 'hard-and-fast'
enough to last for a three weeks' cruise. Well, shipmates, we keeps
the game alive all hot and warm, and we sported our best duds, and
I makes love to Susan, and we'd a regular new fit-out at the cottage,
and I leaves fifty pounds in the hands of the parson o' the parish for
the ould folks, and everything went on, in prime style, when one day
the landlord of the public comes in, and says he, 'Jack, the lobsters
are arter you.'—'Gammon!' says I; 'what can them fellows want with
me?'—'Arn't your liberty out?' says he.—'I never give it a thought,'
says I.—'Where's your ticket?' says he. So I showed him the chit;
and I'm blessed, shipmates, but it had been out two days! Well,
there I was in a pretty perdiklement; and the landlord, says he,
'Jack,' says he, 'I respect you for your goodness to the ould uns;
though I suspects they arn't altogether the cause of your losing your
memory:' and he looks and smiles at Suke. 'Howsomever, the
lobsters are at my house axing about you; and I thought I'd slip out
and let you know, so that you might have time to stow
away.'—'Thanky, my hearty,' says I; 'but I'm blessed, shipmates, if I
warn't dead flabbergasted where to find a stow-hole, till at last I hits
upon a scheme to which Susan consented! And what do you think it
was, shipmates?—but you'd never guess! Why, Suke slips on a pair
o' my canvass trousers and comes to an anchor in the arm-chair
with a blanket round her, below, and I stows myself under her duds,
coiling away my lower stanchions tailor-fashion; and the doctor
coming in to see the ould folks, they puts him up to the trick, and so
he brings up alongside of her, and they whitens her face, to make
her look pale, as if she was nigh-hand kicking the bucket: and there
I lay, as snug as a cockroach in a chafing-mat, and in all due
decency, seeing as Suke had bent my lower casings hind part afore,
and there warn't a crack nor a brack in 'em. Presently in marches the
swaddies, and 'Pray whose cottage is this?' axed the serjeant as stiff
as a crutch.—'It is Martin Joyce's,' said Maria.—'Ay, I thought as
much,' says he: 'pray where is his son, Jack Joyce, or Jack
Sheavehole?' says he.—'He left us three days ago,' answered Maria,
'to join his ship: I hope nothing has happened to him?'—'Indeed!'
says the serjeant. 'Now, pretty as you are, I know that you are
telling me what I should call a very considerable ——' Suke shrieked
out, and stopped what he was going to say: for, shipmates, she sat
so quiet, that, thinks I to myself, they'll find out that she's
shamming; so I gives her a smart pinch in an inexpressible part, that
made her sing out. Well, the long and the short on it, is, that the
party, who were looking out sharp for 'straggling money,' had a
grand overhaul; but the doctor would not let them interfere with
Susan, who, he declared, was near her cushionmong; and at last,
being unable to find me, they hauls their wind for another port.—
Well, shipmates, as soon as possible arter they were gone, why,
Suke got rid of her trouble, and forth I came, as full-grown and
handsome a babby as ever cut a tooth. But I warnt safe yet; and so
I claps a suit of Suke's duds over my own gear, and, being but a
little chap, with some slutching, and letting out a reef or two here
and there, I got my sails all snugly bent, and clapped a cap with a
thousand little frills round my face, and a straw hurricane-house of a
bonnet as big as a Guineaman's caboose over all, with a black wail
hanging in the brails down afore, and my shoes scandaled up my
legs, that I made a good-looking wench. Well, I bid all hands good-
bye. Suke piped her eye a bit; but, Lord love you! we'd made our
calculations o' matrimony, and got the right bearings and distance,
(else, mayhap, I should never have got stowed away under her
hatches,) and she was to join me at Portsmouth, and we were to
make a long splice of it off-hand; but then, poor thing! she thought,
mayhap, I might get grabbed and punished. Up comes the coach;
but the fellow wouldn't heave to directly, and 'Yo-hoy!' says I, giving
him a hail.—'Going to Portsmouth, ma'am?' says he, throwing all
aback, and coming ashore from his craft.—'To be sure I am,' says I.
'What made you carry on in that fashion, and be d—to you!—is that
all the regard you have for the sex?' says I.—'Would you like to go
inside, ma'am?' says he, opening the gangway port.—'Not a bit of it,'
says I: 'stow your damaged slops below, but give me a berth 'pon
deck.'—'Werry good, ma'am,' says he, shutting the gangway port
again; 'will you allow me to assist you up?'—'Not by no manner o'
means,' says I. 'Why, what the devil do you take me for! to think the
captain of a frigate's maintop can't find his way aloft!'—'You mean
the captain of the maintop's wife,' says Susan, paying me back the
pinch I gave her.—'Ay, ay, my precious,' says I; 'so I do, to be sure.
God bless you! good-b'ye! Here I go like seven bells half struck!—
carry on, my boy, and I'm blessed if it shan't be a shiner in your
way!' And so we takes our berths, and away we made sail, happy-
go-lucky, heaving-to now and then just to take in a sea-stock; and
the governor had two eyes in his head, and so he finds out the
latitude of the thing, but he says nothing; and we got safe through
the barrier and into Portsmouth, and I lands in the street afore they
reached the inn,—for, thinks I to myself, I'd better get berthed for
the night and go aboard in the morning. Well, shipmates, I parts
company with the craft, and shapes my course for Pint,—'cause I
knew a snug corner in Capstan-square, and I was determined to cut
with all skylarks, in regard o' Suke. Well, just as I was getting to
steer with a small helm, up ranges a tall man who had seen me
come ashore from the coach, and 'My dear,' says he, 'what! just
fresh from the country?' But I houlds my tongue, shipmates, and he
pulls up alongside and grabs my arm. 'Come, don't be cross,' says
he; 'let me take you in tow; I want to talk with you, my love.' I knew
the voice well; and though he had a pea jacket over his uniform-
coat, and, take him 'half way up a hatchway,' he was a d— good-
looking fellow, yet nobody as ever had seen him could forget them
'trap-stick legs;' and so, thinks I to myself, Jack, you'd better shove
your boat off without delay: for, d'ye see, shipmates, I'd sailed with
him when I was a mizen-top-mun in the ould Stag, and I well
remembered Sir Joseph Y—ke. But I'm blessed if he didn't stretch
out arter me, and sailed two foot to my one; and 'Come, come, my
darling,' says he, 'take an honest tar for your sweetheart. Let's look
at that beautiful face;' and he catches hould o' the wail and hauls it
up chock ablock; but I pulls down my bonnet so as he couldn't see
my figure-head, and I carries on a taut press to part company. But,
Lord love yer hearts! it warn't no manner o' use whatsomever—he
more than held his own; and 'A pretty innocent country wench
indeed!' says he. 'What! have you lost your tongue?'—'No, I'm d— if
I have!' says I: for I forgot myself, shipmates, through vexation at
not being able to get away. 'Hallo!' says he, gripping me tight by the
shoulder; 'who have we here?' I'm blessed, shipmates, if, what with
his pulling at my shawl, and my struggling to sheer off, my spanker
boom didn't at that very moment get adrift, and he caught sight of it
in a jiffy. 'Hallo!' says he, catching tight hold of the pig-tail, and
slueing me right round by it. 'Hallo!' says he, 'I never see an
innocent country wench dress her hair in this way afore;—rather a
masc'line sort o' female,' he says. 'Who the devil are you?' 'It's Jack
Sheavehole, your honour,' says I, bringing up all standing; and,
knowing his generous heart, thinks I, Now's your time, Jack;
overhaul the whole consarn to him, and ten to one but he pulls you
through the scrape somehow or other. So I ups and tells him the
long and the short on it, and he laughs one minute, and d—ns me
for a desarting willun the next; and 'Come along!' says he 'I must
see what Captain B—n will think of all this.' So he takes me in tow,
and we went into one of the grand houses in High-street; and
'Follow me,' says he, as he walked up stairs into a large room all
lighted up for a sheave-o; and there wur ladies all togged out in
white, and silver and gold, and feathers, and navy officers and
sodger officers,—a grand dinner-party. 'B—n,' hails Sir Joseph,
'here's a lady wants you;' and he takes me by the hand, all
complimentary like, and the captain of the frigate comes towards us,
and I'm blessed if every soul fore and aft didn't fix their eyes on me
like a marine looking out for a squall. 'I've not the pleasure of
knowing the lady,' says the skipper; 'I fear, Sir Joseph, you're coming
York over me. Pray, ma'am, may I be allowed the happiness of
seeing your countenance and hearing your name?'—'I'm Jack
Sheavehole, yer honour,' says I, 'captain o' the Tapsickorees
maintop, as yer honour well knows.'—'I do, my man,' says he with a
gravedigger's grin on his countenance: 'and so you want to
desert?'—'Never, yer honour,' says I, 'in the regard o' my liking my
ship and my captain too well.'—'No, no, B—n,' says Sir Joseph, 'I
must do him justice. It appears that he had long leave, and
onknowingly overstayed his time; so he rigged himself out in angel's
gear to cheat them devils of sodgers. I'll vouch for the fact, B—n,'
says he, 'for I saw him myself get down from the coach—.'—'All
fresh from the country, yer honour,' says I.—'Ay, all fresh from the
country,' chimes in Sir Joseph. 'He's an ould shipmate o' mine, B—n,
and I want you, as a personal favour to myself to back his liberty-
ticket for to-morrow. Such a lad as this, would never desart the
sarvice.'—'If I would, then I'm d—! saving yer honour's presence,'
says I. Well, shipmates, there I stood in the broad light, and all the
ladies and gemmen staring at me like fun; and 'Come, B—n,' says Sir
Joseph, 'extend his liberty till to-morrow'—'Where's your ticket?' axes
the skipper: and so, in regard of its being in my trousers pocket, I
hauls up my petticoats to get at it; and, my eyes! but the women set
up a screeching, and the officers burst out in a broadside o'
laughing, and you never heard such a bobbery as they kicked up,—it
was a downright reg'lar squall."
"Ay, squall indeed," said the captain of the forecastle: "here it
comes with a vengeance!" he bellowed out with stentorian lungs.
"Hard up with the helm—hard a-weather." In an instant the sea was
one sheet of foam; the wind came whistling like the rustling of ten
thousand arrows in their swiftest flight; a report like the discharge of
a heavy piece of artillery was heard forward, and away flew the jib
like a fleecy cloud to leeward. The frigate heeled over, carrying
everybody and everything into the lee scuppers; the lightning hissed
and cracked as it exploded between the masts, making everything
tremble from the keel to the truck; broad sheets of water were lifted
up and dashed over the decks fore and aft: indeed, it seemed as if
the gale were striving to raise the ponderous vessel from the ocean
for the purpose of plunging it into the dark abyss; a thick mist-like
shroud hung round her, alow and aloft, as she struggled to lift
herself against the tempest. The topsail halliards were let go; but
the nearly horizontal position of the masts prevented the sails from
running down. Inevitable destruction for the moment threatened to
engulph them all, when "crack, crack, crack!" away went the
topmasts over the side; the spanker sheet had been cut away, and
off bounced the spanker after the jib. The frigate partially righted,
and Lord Eustace and his officers rushed to the deck. But the squall
had passed: the moon again shone beautifully clear; the deceitful
sky and still more deceitful ocean were all smiles, as if nothing had
happened,—though the evidences of their wrath were but too
apparent in the dismantled state of his Majesty's ship. But we must
again leave them, as we did before, to
"Call all hands to clear the wreck."
THE USEFUL YOUNG MAN.
A SECOND SERIES. BY WILLIAM COLLIER.
"There's one of us in every family."
To make ourselves useful's a duty we owe
To mankind and ourselves in our sojourn below;
To return good for evil, and always "to do
Unto others as you'd have them do unto you:"
So I bear all with patience, resolved, if I can,
To act well my part as a Useful Young Man!

But, alas! entre nous, 'tis a difficult task,

As seldom I'm left in life's sunshine to bask;
For I'm hurried, and worried, imposed on by all,
Who think I should run at their beck or their call:
"So obliging," folks say, "is their favourite Sam,
That he well earns the name of the Useful Young Man!"

Each morning at breakfast I'm doomed to peruse

"The Herald," and "Post," for "the family news,"
While the toast, eggs, and coffee, which fall to my lot,
Get a pretty considerable distance from hot:
Yes, such are the Comforts—deny it who can?—
That fall to the share of each Useful Young Man!

If Jane, or Maria, for work should agree,

The dear creatures invariably send down for me
To make myself useful, and read while they knit,
Paint, draw, or do anything they may think fit.
Thus, Sam—poor pill-garlic!—they safely trepan:
Alack! what a life leads a Useful Young Man!

If the day's rather wet, and they can't gad about,

They think nothing whatever, of sending me out:—
"Now, Sam, my good fellow, just pop on your hat;
Run to Howell's for this thing, and Holmes's for that;
You'll make yourself pleasant we know, if you can,—
What a comfort to have such a Useful Young Man!"

When John, our fat butler, or Bridget, the cook,

Have leisure for reading "some novelty book,"
They ne'er think of asking my leave to peruse,
But help themselves freely to just what they choose:
Making free with my novels is no novel plan,
For They own Master Sam's such a useful Young Man!

Once Thomas, the footman, kissed Anne on the stairs,

Who loudly squalled out, just to give herself airs;
When my father ran down, in great anger, to see
What the cause of the squeaking and squalling could be.
Tom had bolted; but not till they'd settled a plan
To throw all the blame on the Useful Young Man!

When the Opera we visit, I'm kept in the rear

Of our box, and can scarce get a glimpse, I declare,
Of the stage, or the audience;—so only remain,
To trot up to Dubourg for punch à la Romaine,
To run out for a book, or to pick up a fan:—
Alas! what a drudge is a Useful Young Man!

But sad is my fate when I go to a rout.

If a toothless old maid sits a partner without,
The beaux are looked o'er, but they always agree
To fix the agreeable task upon me;
For to dance with all bores, 'tis the province of Sam,
'Deed the file of each victimised Useful Young Man!

If we're late at the dance, and no coach to be had,

There's Sam! the dear fellow! the exquisite lad!
He'll search all the stands in the town, but he'll gain
A coach for his friends—though it's pelting with rain
Oh! such are the pleasures—deny it who can—
That fall to the lot of a Useful Young Man!

To be nice about trifles is not over wise;

Where's the churl that finds favour in woman's bright
eyes?
To be nice about trifles, is trifling with folly,
For the right end of life is but left to be jolly;
So I'll make up my mind just to stick to this plan,
And Pag out my terms as a Useful Young Man.
 REMAINS OF HAJJI BABA.
CHAPTER V.
Having bought some spangled stuffs for the trousers of the
harem of our exalted grand vizier, (upon whom be blessings!) and
despatched them, with letters, to the foot of the Shah's throne by an
express Tatar, I joined my Greek companions at the Adrianople Gate,
and left Constantinople for the country of the Francs.
I found my new friends were raving with the new malady. It
seems that they now called themselves free,—a blessing which they
endeavoured to persuade me was beyond all price; for, as far as I
could learn from their definition of it, I found that now they could
wear yellow slippers, put on a green coat, and wrap white muslin
round their heads, without being called to account. However, in
order to secure these advantages, it appeared that they were
making no small sacrifices, for they were quarrelling amongst
themselves to their hearts' content; and that more fell by the knives
and stabs of their neighbours and countrymen than ever in former
times fell even by the despotism of their Turkish rulers. Although I
frequently asserted that quiet, peace, and security from danger were
great objects in life; yet I found that I had a great deal to undergo
before I could make them agree to that plain fact; and at length,
seeing that they had made out a certain scheme of happiness of
their own, the principal ingredient of which, was the endurance of
every thing rather than to give power to the true believers, I allowed
them to enjoy it without further molestation.
After many adventures,—such as robberies by Bulgars, an escape
from shipwreck on the Danube, dislocation of bones in little carts in
Wallachia, incarceration within four bare walls at the Austrian
frontier on pretence of our being unclean men, contamination from
pork and wine among the Majars, and disordered patience brought
about by phlegmatic, smoking, slow-driving, ya! ya! post-boys in
Germany,—we reached Vienna. It was a day upon which I frequently
exclaimed "Ilham dulillah!" the day when I first saw the lofty spire of
the great infidel church of that city; for I was tired of everything:
tired of my companions, tired of my eternal hot seat in the corner of
a coach, and longed to have a place to myself where I might bless
and curse at my pleasure whomsoever I should like so to do.
My first care upon arriving here, was to inquire about the object
of my mission,—the state of England. Wherever I went, I heard with
a chuckle that she had had her day, that she was going down fast,
that too much prosperity was daily destroying her; and every one
added, with a sneer, "Ah, they thought themselves the wisest of the
sons of the earth; but see! they are its greatest fools, for they do
not know how to keep what they have got." One of the great proofs
which I continually heard brought forward of the decay of her power
and wealth, was the failure of an enterprise which to me was
inexplicable, but which, every one said, in her better days would
never have been abandoned. What I could make out of the story
was this:—It seems the Ingliz, in their madness, were tired of going
over their river in the common way,—that is, by bridges; and so they
determined to try a new way,—that is, to go under it. Madness
seized them; money poured in; they dug into the bowels of the
earth like moles; the workmen heard the river flowing over them,—
still they feared not, but dug on; at length it broke in upon them,—
still they cared not; they were drowned,—still they dug. All the world
was alive about it; everybody thought of the pleasure of cheating
the old bridges, and the nation seemed charmed that they had
found a totally novel mode of getting from one side of a river to
another, without going over it, when, all at once, symptoms of decay
broke out. They had got halfway when the work stopped; and the
whole population, putting the finger of astonishment into the mouth
of disappointment, went home, and, stepping over their thresholds
with their right legs instead of their left, waited for a return of good-
luck—but it came not; their luck evidently has turned, and there is
the half-finished hole to attest it. "Poor Ingliz!" thought I, when I
heard this; "where are now my old friends the Hoggs, my moon-
faced Bessy, and her infidel Figsby? Shall I find them again? perhaps
they may have been lost, with many others, in the mad enterprise of
digging this great hole under their river!"
I left my Greeks at Vienna, and, taking a place in a moving
caravan on wheels, called a diligence, but which went slower than
one of our strings of camels, I travelled onwards through towns,
cities, hamlets,—through forests, over rivers, over mountains
peopled by various tribes of Francs, all indifferent about showing
their women's faces, eating the unclean beast, drinking wine,
shaving and washing just as they pleased: ignorant of the blessed
Koran, and staring wide when such a country as Iran was mentioned
to them. They all agreed in sneering at the Ingliz, and assuring me
that I should find that nation upon their last legs, and their king with
scarcely any power left him.
At length we reached the country of the French Francs. Here I
heard that they had got rid of two or three kings since those days
when I was last near them; and that, after having sworn to maintain
new governments as fast as they were made, were now tired of the
last king they had created, and were in the full enjoyment of all the
wretchedness naturally flowing from change. I was told that they
had been increasing in wealth and respectability, until they lost their
last king, when their prosperity fell, as if by magic. Now, no man
was certain of the possession of his property even for a day; and
every one was obliged by turns to arm himself cap-a-pie, to do his
duty as a soldier, in order to secure public happiness at the point of
the bayonet.
We entered the happy city of Paris just at the moment when a
large band of well-dressed soldiers were firing upon a mob, who
were throwing large stones at them, and crying out, as the words
were interpreted to us, "Liberty for ever!" "Down with the king!" This
ceremony, we were assured, was performed about once a month. I
asked my companions in the coach what they meant by liberty, but I
found no one could give me any intelligible explanation; for it seems
the French had all that they could possibly require, and that, if they
wanted more, it must be to live without laws, without a king, without
religion, and with a right to appropriate their neighbour's goods, or
cut their neighbour's throat.
I trembled from head to foot all the time that I lived in this happy
city, fearful of never being able to get out of it with a whole skin; at
length I made an effort, and, accompanied by Mahboob, I took
places in a travelling coach, and reached the sea-side opposite to
the coast of England. I was lucky to see with my own eyes that this
country was yet in existence after the many accounts I had heard of
its total destruction.

CHAPTER VI.
I crossed over from France to England, mounted upon a species
of dragon spouting smoke and exhaling fire, to which the famous
monster of Mazanderan, slain by Rustam the Valiant, was a mere
plaything. But—shall I say it?—the awful sickness which seized me
whilst performing this feat, so overpowered me, that it was
impossible for me, the slave of the asylum of the universe, to put my
instructions into execution, and to write down in a book all the
wonders which in part came to my understanding on that auspicious
day. I may confidently assert that no follower of the blessed Ali ever
suffered so much in so short a time as I then did. I was first taken
from my French bed before the day began to dawn, and put upon
this English monster. As soon as its wings began to expand, and to
move through the waters, an universal tremor assailed it, which
communicated itself to me and all with me; and I continued to be
well shaken until I reached the shores of England. Then I felt so
giddy that I thought my head had got into the infernal regions, until
I soon became certain that my stomach had followed it there also.
There I lay groaning, making noises,—oh, such noises!—that if they
could have been wafted to the ear of the king of kings, his heart
would have smote him for having placed his slave in this
predicament! When I was told that we were arrived, I soon was
restored to myself, and hastened from the bowels of the monster to
the light of heaven; and there, indeed, I saw a town, and a castle,
and living men and women, and, truly, nothing indicating a ruined
country and a desponding people. We landed at this place. It was
called Dover; and as I was told, is famous for a recent controversy
whether it should be spelt with an o or an e in the last syllable. From
time immemorial it had possessed the e; but such was the spirit of
change that they had now transformed it into the o, although the
lovers of old customs and good order kept to the old sacred e.
"When that spirit seizes a nation, who knows," thought I, "when
changes begin, where they may end?" If we were to hearken to all
our enlightened sofis in Persia, they would expunge many sayings in
our blessed Koran; and, as we have not a second prophet to direct
us, one man's change would be as good as another's. Bit by bit all
would be upset; we should not have a law left for our direction, and
we should finish by cutting each other's throats in order to settle
which was the best way to live.
I thought, however, that I could discover some symptoms of
beggary in the state of the country, by what happened when I was
first setting foot on the infidel shore. Two scrutinising-looking Francs
stood on each side of a board over which I was to walk on stepping
from the boat to land; and when I ventured to do so, they stopped
me, passed their hands over the protuberances of my person, and
were about to seize a cashmere shawl which I wore round my waist,
when I exclaimed, "The dogs are eating dirt!" which brought some
of my friends on board the packet to my help. Explanations were
made, and I was let pass. These were officers of customs. "But,"
thought I, "is it possible that this great nation can be brought to
such a state of want that it permits its officers to rob a poor
stranger!" I was told of odd things. It was hinted to me, that the
burnt father's whelps looked mightily hard at my beard, and that
they had hinted that, by rights, I ought to pay duty for it, as foreign
hair.
 Having landed, with Mahboob close at my heels, we were almost
crushed to death by a mob of ruffians, who took violent possession
of our persons, one pulling us one way, the other the other, roaring
the oddest words by way of congratulations on first landing, which
to this day I have not made out. "The Ship!" bawled one; "York!"
cried another; "Red Lion!" said the next; "Blue Posts!" said the next.
"Be Jehanum!" roared I; and, at length, by dint of main force, I was
rescued by my friend in the packet, and taken safe into a
caravanserai that stood by the sea-shore. Here, indeed, the kindness
shown me by many men and women,—the bows, the dips, the
smiles, the sugared words which were lavished upon me, made up in
part for the rude sort of reception which I had hitherto experienced,
and the sunshine of satisfaction dawned over my heart. But still a
doubt hung about my mind; and I asked myself how it was possible
that I should all at once have become such an object of tender
interest and affection to a set of infidels who had never seen me
before,—who probably did not know whether Iran was situated
above the surface of the heavens, or within the bowels of the earth,
—who perhaps had never heard of the name of our asylum of the
universe, nor even of our blessed prophet? I then reflected upon
what had happened to us when we had landed before, in England,
and recollected that, at the end of all things, there came a certain
little odd-looking bit of paper which the infidels called "bill," by virtue
of which all their civilities, all their kindness, all their apparent
hospitality were condensed into two or three crooked cyphers, and
then converted into sums of gold, whether the stranger was
agreeable, or not agreeable, to the transformation. I quite streamed
from every pore as I thought upon that moment of my retribution,
for my wits were my principal stock in hand; money being little, and,
I feared, credit less. However, as long as the civility lasted, I was
delighted, and I made as free a use of the caravanserai as if it had
been the Shah's Gate.
I never lost sight of the object of my mission. I was delighted to
have landed without having excited a suspicion of the nature of my
character; and, as England is the head-quarters for curious men,—
for, owing to her vast foreign possessions, she imports them from all
parts,—no one thought it strange that two men with beards, with
sheep-skin caps on, and mounted on high-heeled green slippers,
should arrive amongst them to take a walk through their country. I
was charmed, too, to have created an interest in the breast of an
infidel Englishman who had been my fellow-passenger on board the
packet. He was a low, rotund man, of evident discretion in speech,
the master of moderation, and the lord of few words. There was no
display in his dress, for he buttoned himself up tight in his
broadcloth coat, exhibited no chains, and contented himself with a
rough stick with a hook to it. I found that he had been in India,—
where many English have been; and, when I could not understand
all he said to me in his own language, I was glad to find he could
explain himself fully by the help of some score of indifferent Persian
words. He had helped me out of the dilemma with the custom-house
officers, had rescued me out of the fangs of the complimentary
harpies, had installed me in the caravanserai; and had thus gained a
claim upon my gratitude.
I had occasionally asked him about the state of his country, but I
had never been able to get more out of him than a shake of his
head. From what I could discover from the exterior of things,
certainly there was no indication of decay; and indeed, compared
with what I had observed in the other countries of Europe, there
seemed here to be an increased state of prosperity. It was evident
that I had been everywhere hoaxed upon the declining state of
England, and that envy alone had excited the report spread to her
disadvantage. When we talk of ruin in Persia, we see it at once:
villages without inhabitants, dry water-courses, abandoned
caravanserais, ragged and wan-looking peasants, and tyrannical
governors. But here I saw a flourishing town, happy people, new
buildings, busy faces, and no appearance at all of governors. I
remarked this to my infidel friend: still he wagged his head, and
talked of things unknown to my understanding. The utmost I could
draw from him was, that he did not like chopping and changing.
When I had discovered the true meaning of these words I could not
help saying to myself, "Our Shah has long enough tried 'chopping,'
without gaining prosperity, I wish he too would try changing; he
might perhaps succeed better." I, however, for the present
determined to keep my own counsel, and apply the opening draught
of inquiry to the malady of ignorance as often as such relief came
within my power.
 Σχολαζοντος ασχολια

A LONDON FOG.
Who has not seen a London fog? I ween
All those who live there, often must have seen
This "darkness visible:"
For much I write not; but, for those who dwell
Where 'tis not known, an anecdote I'll tell
Both droll and risible.

'Twas on a day,—I'm not quite certain when,

For many such have been, and will again
Occur, I'll stake my life,—
A heavy fog took daylight out of sight;[91]
So thick it was, that I am sure you might
Have cut it with a knife.

You could not see your hand before your face.

E'en cabs and coaches knew not how to trace
Their way along the town;
But, on that day, through many a window flew,
To shopmen's horror! On the pavements, too,
Folks ran each other down.

Imagine, now, a pork-shop—I don't know

Quite where; but there, in many a tempting row,
Most pleasing to the sight,
Hung pork and hams, inside, and at the door
Outside; "'twas grease, but living grease no more."
(Byron is my delight.)
Behind the counter, mute and anxious, sat
The owner of these goodly things; and at
Them first, and then the door,
He look'd alternate, for no one that day
Had call'd to buy; the fog kept folks away.
He thought the fog a bore!

Long had he sat in expectation vain;

"He sigh'd and look'd, and sigh'd and look'd again,"
Yet no one came to buy!
The day was spent, he rose to shut his shop:
Just at that moment he was led to stop,—
A person caught his eye.

"A customer at last!" the porkman thought;

Fancied some pork or hams already bought,
And bow'd, "Your servant, ma'am!
"Bad walking out o' doors to-day," quoth he.
(This could not be gainsaid at all.) Said she,
"Do you see there here ham?"

Now, though the fog as dark enough without,

Inside 'twas clear: the porkman had no doubt,
His ham he saw and knew:
He could not make the question out; no more
Could fancy why she kept so near the door,
But said, "Of course I do."

She, with a grin facetious, said, "Well, then,

I'm blow'd if you will ever see't again;"
And ran away outright.
The porkman hurried quickly to the door,
Too late, alas! to see; for, long before,
His ham was out of sight!
T. G. G.
 EPIGRAM.
You ask me, Roger, what I gain
By living on a barren plain:—
This credit to the spot is due,
I live there without seeing you.
 SHAKSPEARE PAPERS.—No. I.
SIR JOHN FALSTAFF.
"For those who read aright are well aware
That Jaques, sighing in the forest green,
Oft on his heart felt less the load of care
Than Falstaff, revelling his rough mates between."
MS. penes me.

"Jack Falstaff to my familiars!"—By that name, therefore, must he

be known by all persons, for all are now the familiars of Falstaff. The
title of "Sir John Falstaff to all Europe" is but secondary and
parochial. He has long since far exceeded the limit by which he
bounded the knowledge of his knighthood; and in wide-spreading
territories, which in the day of his creation were untrodden by
human foot, and in teeming realms where the very name of England
was then unheard of, Jack Falstaff is known as familiarly as he was
to the wonderful court of princes, beggars, judges, swindlers,
heroes, bullies, gentlemen, scoundrels, justices, thieves, knights,
tapsters, and the rest whom he drew about him.
It is indeed his court. He is lord paramount, the suzerain to
whom all pay homage. Prince Hal may delude himself into the notion
that he, the heir of England, with all the swelling emotions of soul
that rendered him afterwards the conqueror of France, makes a butt
of the ton of man that is his companion. The parts are exactly
reversed. In the peculiar circle in which they live, the prince is the
butt of the knight. He knows it not,—he would repel it with scorn if it
were asserted; but it is nevertheless the fact that he is subdued. He
calls the course of life which he leads, the unyoked humour of his
idleness; but he mistakes. In all the paths where his journey lies
with Falstaff, it is the hard-yoked servitude of his obedience. In the
soliloquies put into his mouth he continually pleads that his present
conduct is but that of the moment, that he is ashamed of his daily
career, and that the time is ere long to come which will show him
different from what he seems. As the dramatic character of Henry V.
was conceived and executed by a man who knew how genius in any
department of human intellect would work,—to say nothing of the
fact that Shakspeare wrote with the whole of the prince's career
before him,—we may consider this subjugation to Falstaff as
intended to represent the transition state from spoiled youth to
energetic manhood. It is useless to look for minute traces of the
historical Henry in these dramas. Tradition and the chronicles had
handed him down to Shakspeare's time as a prince dissipated in
youth, and freely sharing in the rough debaucheries of the
metropolis. The same vigour "that did affright the air at Agincourt"
must have marked his conduct and bearing in any tumult in which
he happened to be engaged. I do not know on what credible
authority the story of his having given Gascoigne a box on the ear
for committing one of his friends to prison may rest, and shall not at
present take the trouble of inquiring. It is highly probable that the
chief justice amply deserved the cuffing, and I shall always assume
the liberty of doubting that he committed the prince. That, like a
"sensible lord," he should have hastened to accept any apology
which should have relieved him from a collision with the ruling
powers at court, I have no doubt at all, from a long consideration of
the conduct and history of chief justices in general.
More diligent searchers into the facts of that obscure time have
seen reason to disbelieve the stories of any serious dissipations of
Henry. Engaged as he was from his earliest youth in affairs of great
importance, and with a mind trained to the prospect of powerfully
acting in the most serious questions that could agitate his time,—a
disputed succession, a rising hostility to the church, divided nobility,
turbulent commons, an internecine war with France impossible of
avoidance, a web of European diplomacy just then beginning to
develope itself, in consequence of the spreading use of the pen and
inkhorn so pathetically deplored by Jack Cade, and forerunning the
felonious invention, "contrary to the king's crown and dignity," of the
printing-press, denounced with no regard to chronology by that
illustrious agitator;—in these circumstances, the heir of the house of
Lancaster, the antagonist of the Lollards,—a matter of accident in his
case, though contrary to the general principles of his family,—and at
the same time suspected by the churchmen of dangerous designs
against their property,—the pretender on dubious title, but not at the
period appearing so decidedly defective as it seems in ours, to the
throne of France,—the aspirant to be arbiter or master of all that he
knew of Europe,—could not have wasted all his youth in riotous
living. In fact, his historical character is stern and severe; but with
that we have here nothing to do. It is not the Henry of battles, and
treaties, and charters, and commissions, and parliaments, we are
now dealing with;—we look to the Henry of Shakespeare.
That Henry, I repeat, is subject and vassal of Falstaff. He is
bound by the necromancy of genius to the "white-bearded Satan,"
who he feels is leading him to perdition. It is in vain that he thinks it
utterly unfitting that he should engage in such an enterprise as the
robbery at Gadshill; for, in spite of all protestations to the contrary,
he joins the expedition merely to see how his master will get
through his difficulty. He struggles hard, but to no purpose. Go he
must, and he goes accordingly. A sense of decorum keeps him from
participating in the actual robbery; but he stand close by, that his
resistless sword may aid the dubious valour of his master's
associates. Joining with Poins in the jest of scattering them and
seizing their booty, not only is no harm done to Falstaff, but a sense
of remorse seizes on the prince for the almost treasonable deed—

"Falstaff sweats to death,

And lards the lean earth as he walks along;
Wer't not for laughing, I should pity him."

At their next meeting, after detecting and exposing the stories

related by the knight, how different is the result form what had been
predicted by Poins when laying the plot! "The virtue of this jest will
be, the incomprehensible lies that this same fat rogue will tell us
when we meet at supper: how thirty, at least, he fought with; what
wards, what blows, what extremities he endured; and in the reproof
of this lies the jest." Reproof indeed! All is detected and confessed.
Does Poins reprove him, interpret the word as we will? Poins indeed!
That were lèze majesté. Does the prince? Why, he tries a jest, but it
breaks down; and Falstaff victoriously orders sack and merriment
with an accent of command not to be disputed. In a moment after
he is selected to meet Sir John Bracy, sent special with the villainous
news of the insurrection of the Percies; and in another moment he is
seated on his joint-stool, the mimic King of England, lecturing with a
mixture of jest and earnest the real Prince of Wales.
Equally inevitable is the necessity of screening the master from
the consequence of his delinquencies, even at the expense of a very
close approximation to saying the thing that is not; and impossible
does Hal find it not to stand rebuked when the conclusion of his joke
of taking the tavern-bills from the sleeper behind the arras is the
enforced confession of being a pickpocket. Before the austere king
his father, John his sober-blooded brother, and other persons of
gravity or consideration, if Falstaff be in presence, the prince is
constrained by his star to act in defence and protection of the
knight. Conscious of the carelessness and corruption which mark all
the acts of his guide, philosopher, and friend, it is yet impossible that
he should not recommend him to a command in a civil war which
jeopardied the very existence of his dynasty. In the heat of the
battle and the exultation of victory he is obliged to yield to the fraud
that represents Falstaff as the actual slayer of Hotspur. Prince John
quietly remarks, that the tale of Falstaff is the strangest that he ever
heard: his brother, who has won the victory, is content with saying
that he who has told it is the strangest of fellows. Does he betray
the cheat? Certainly not,—it would have been an act of
disobedience; but in privy council he suggests to his prince in a
whisper,
 "Come, bring your luggage [the body of Hotspur] nobly
—"

nobly—as becomes your rank in our court, so as to do the whole of

your followers, myself included, honour by the appearance of their
master—

"Come, bring your luggage nobly on your back:

For my part, if a lie may do thee grace,
I'll gild it with the happiest terms I have."

Tribute, this, from the future Henry V.! Deeper tribute, however,
is paid in the scene in which state necessity induces the renunciation
of the fellow with the great belly who had misled him. Poins had
prepared us for the issue. The prince had been grossly abused in the
reputable hostelrie of the Boar's Head while he was thought to be
out of hearing. When he comes forward with the intention of
rebuking the impertinence, Poins, well knowing the command to
which he was destined to submit, exclaims, "My lord, he will drive
you out of your revenge, and turn all to merriment, if you take not
the heat." Vain caution! The scene, again, ends by the total
forgetfulness of Falstaff's offence, and his being sent for to court.
When, therefore, the time had come that considerations of the
highest importance required that Henry should assume a more
dignified character, and shake off his dissolute companions, his own
experience and the caution of Poins instruct him that if the thing be
not done on the heat,—if the old master-spirit be allowed one
moment's ground of vantage,—the game is up, the good resolutions
dissipated into thin air, the grave rebuke turned all into laughter, and
thoughts of anger or prudence put to flight by the restored
supremacy of Falstaff. Unabashed and unterrified he has heard the
severe rebuke of the king—"I know thee not, old man," &c. until an
opportunity offers for a repartee:

"Know, the grave doth gape

For thee thrice wider than for other men."
 Some joke on the oft-repeated theme of his unwieldy figure was
twinkling in Falstaff's eye, and ready to leap from his tongue. The
king saw his danger: had he allowed a word, he was undone.
Hastily, therefore, does he check that word;

"Reply not to me with a fool-born jest;"

forbidding, by an act of eager authority,—what he must also have

felt to be an act of self-control,—the outpouring of those magic
sounds which, if uttered, would, instead of a prison becoming the lot
of Falstaff, have conducted him to the coronation dinner, and
established him as chief depositary of what in after days was known
by the name of backstairs influence.
In this we find the real justification of what has generally been
stigmatized as the harshness of Henry. Dr. Johnson, with some
indignation, asks why should Falstaff be sent to the Fleet?—he had
done nothing since the king's accession to deserve it. I answer, he
was sent to the Fleet for the same reason that he was banished ten
miles from court, on pain of death. Henry thought it necessary that
the walls of a prison should separate him from the seducing
influence of one than whom he knew many a better man, but none
whom it was so hard to miss. He felt that he could not, in his speech
of predetermined severity, pursue to the end the tone of harshness
towards his old companion. He had the nerve to begin by rebuking
him in angry terms as a surfeit-swelled, profane old man,—as one
who, instead of employing in prayer the time which his hoary head
indicated was not to be of long duration in this world, disgraced his
declining years by assuming the unseemly occupations of fool and
jester,—as one whom he had known in a dream, but had awakened
to despise,—as one who, on the verge of the gaping grave, occupied
himself in the pursuits of such low debauchery as excluded him from
the society of those who had respect for themselves or their
character. But he cannot so continue; and the last words he
addresses to him whom he had intended to have cursed altogether,
hold forth a promise of advancement, with an affectionate assurance
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