Episode 7 Page 1

SCENE 1

SFX: Tape recorder turns on.

NICHOLAS: Is everything accounted for?

CHRISTINE: I mean, yeah, I think we’ve got enough Popeye’s.

NICHOLAS: Alright. Should we get them anything else? It feels… lacking.

CHRISTINE: I’ve got some soda in the fridge?

NICHOLAS: Perhaps… [sighs] I’m not sure.

CHRISTINE: Weed?

NICHOLAS: Really?

CHRISTINE: Stop being a Narc. Dude seemed like the type.

NICHOLAS: We’re not going to… coke should be fine.

SFX: Christine rummages through the refrigerator for soda

CHRISTINE: [laughs] Is pepsi ok?

NICHOLAS: I’m not going to respond to that.

CHRISTINE: You sure this is a good idea? I mean, I like the dude, but-

NICHOLAS: I’m sure. It’s the smart play.

CHRISTINE: Anyway, you gonna call them?

NICHOLAS: Yeah.

(A beat)

CHRISTINE: Nick?

(A beat)

NICHOLAS: Do you like your new hair color?

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CHRISTINE: I don’t know. It’s fine for now. I can always dye it.

NICHOLAS: You know, if you’d like to talk about… anything, you can.

CHRISTINE: Dude, there’s nothing to talk about.

NICHOLAS: Alright. I don’t mean to pressure you.

(A beat)

CHRISTINE: Like, a part of me feels like, I don’t know, something happened. But there’s nothing
I can do about that, is there?

NICHOLAS: None of dad’s rituals involve memory recovery. I checked.

CHRISTINE: Yeah, well… there it is. You gonna call Static Man?

NICHOLAS: Alright.

SFX: Dialing smartphone

SFX: Smartphone ringing

(A beat)

CHRISTINE: Maybe they’re-

SCENE 2

SFX: Tape weirdness

SFX: Slight static noise underlying the scene

STATIC MAN: I am the whisper… oh, it’s you guys. Nick and Chris, what the hell is up?

CHRISTINE: Nothing much dude, we got you Popeye’s.

NICHOLAS: And Pepsi.

STATIC MAN: Noice. Awwww yeah, you got the boneless tenders too. People always talk shit
about boneless, but they’re so good. Especially when you get that Mardi Gras mustard. So
good.

SFX: Static man starts chowing down on some Popeye’s

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NICHOLAS: Well… enjoy.

STATIC MAN: (mouth full of that delicious Popeye’s goodness) So is the cult bothering you
again? I was pretty sure they wouldn’t be a problem anymore, Aleister’s a lazy asshole, but like,
my bad…

NICHOLAS: Not at all, aside from the slightly too talkative front desk attendant, everything in the
motel’s going swimmingly.

STATIC MAN: So...

CHRISTINE: We just thought you might, you know, might like to have some downtime.

STATIC MAN: Really?

NICOLAS: If you’re busy, we wouldn’t want to keep you, but… yes. We appreciate you helping
us and… you enjoy Popeye’s, so…

CHRISTINE: Yeah dude, thanks.

(A beat)

STATIC MAN: That’s really goddamn sweet of you guys. Thank you. So, what do you do for fun
around here, when you’re not messing with powerful forces beyond mortal understanding?

NICHOLAS: The messing with powerful forces takes up most of our time, actually.

CHRISTINE: I’m halfway through a rewatch of Adventure Time.

STATIC MAN: That show’s so good!

CHRISTINE: Right?

STATIC MAN: Who’s your favorite character? Let me guess, Marceline, right? It has to be
Marceline.

CHRISTINE: Yeah, she’s such a badass. Who’s yours?

STATIC MAN: Oh, Jake for sure, Jake’s my goddamn spirit animal. Nick, how about you?

NICHOLAS: I’m not much of a fan, I’m afraid. I did enjoy Over The Garden Wall, though.

STATIC MAN: I need to check that out, I hear really good things!
 Episode 7 Page 4

NICHOLAS: It’s lovely. How about yourself, what do you do in your off time?

STATIC MAN: Eh… I don’t really have much off time, my dude. Don’t really exist when I’m not
being recorded, so… you still on the hook for payphone?

CHRISTINE: Yeah, apparently we’ll find out… sometime.

STATIC MAN: Oooooof. Yeah, I don’t envy you two there. Hmmmm…

CHRISTINE: [Starts to vomit up tapes] Goddamnit...

STATIC MAN: Yo, she ok?

NICHOLAS: It’s… part of the [burst of static] ritual.

STATIC MAN: Damn…what’s with the seawater?

NICHOLAS: We’re not sure.

CHRISTINE: There were three this time? Why were there three this time?

STATIC MAN: You feeling good? How’s your throat?

CHRISTINE: I’m fine.

NICHOLAS: Sorry, Chris. And I’m not sure why there were three this time.

CHRISTINE: Well, we don’t have to listen to them now. We can finish up dinner.

STATIC MAN: That’s… probably not the best idea.

NICHOLAS: Are you sure?

STATIC MAN: It’s best not to wait around for this type of stuff. Personal experience. But… yo,
can I see the recorder?

NICHOLAS: Uhm, alright…

SFX: Recorder being handed over

STATIC MAN: Now…

SFX: Magical splitting sound

 Episode 7 Page 5

CHRISTINE: What the?

NICHOLAS: That’s… integral to the ritual, what did you-

STATIC MAN: Relax. I split it. Now you have two recorders. At least for a little bit. Like I told ya
last time, I’ve got weird magical powers.

NICHOLAS: But… why?

CHRISTINE: You can do that?

STATIC MAN: I mean, I just did, so… anyway. One of you should probably stay here and listen
to the tapes. The other one…

SFX: Weird magical sound

STATIC MAN: I hereby invoke the right of service.

SFX: Weird magical sound

STATIC MAN: The other one, gets to come with me, I just bought up your contract. (A beat) You
just gonna stand there, or?

NICHOLAS: I… apologize. I’m not quite sure what happened.

STATIC MAN: You no longer owe a favor to Payphone, you owe a favor to me. Which I’m
collecting now, by getting one of you to bring one of those recorders and come with me. Pretty
simple.

CHRISTINE: Thank you.

STATIC MAN: Eh… thank me later. The favor’s going to be legit.

NICHOLAS: Don’t we both have to listen to the tapes? That was the impression I was under.

STATIC MAN: Nah, just has to be one of you. Trust me.

NICHOLAS: I’ll go with Static Man.

CHRISTINE: Nick, you sure, I mean, it is kind of your turn for a weird magical adventure, but-

NICHOLAS: I want to do it. I have to see this through. You just stay here and listen
 Episode 7 Page 6

CHRISTINE: Yeah dude, if that’s what you’re feeling.

STATIC MAN: Awesome. I’m going to write an address on a slip of paper, tell the door dude that
you’re friends with Ann Jemisin, start recording when you get there.

SFX: Writing sounds

NICHOLAS: Understood.

STATIC MAN: Awesome. This should be dope. Peace!

SFX: Weird magical sound

CHRISTINE: So… was that a good thing?

NICHOLAS: I think so. Are you alright with listening?

CHRISTINE: Yeah, I should be fine.

NICHOLAS: Alright, I should probably head off, I don’t know if there’s a time limit, or…

CHRISTINE: Good luck.

NICHOLAS: Thanks. You too.

SFX: Footsteps and door opening/closing

SCENE 3A

CHRISTINE: Well… here goes the first one

SFX: Christine puts a tape into the player.

SCENE 4

SFX: Montage of different telephony sounds, ringing, answering, dial up modems, etc

TELEPHONE OPERATOR: 911, what is your emergency?

CALLER: Yeah! Um, this apartment building just totally fucking went under here at the corner of
[static inaudible] and [static inaudible], it’s fuckin’ crazy

TELEPHONE OPERATOR: OK, that’s the corner of [static inaudible] and [static inaudible]?
 Episode 7 Page 7

CALLER: Yeah. It’s fucking crazy man. It just fucking all went to hell, holy shit, I can’t…

TELEPHONE OPERATOR: Sir, sir. Is the building on fire?

CALLER: No! Well, it was. I mean, it all just kinda went to shit, you know? I don’t know if it was
like, a fire, or, uh, some kind of explosion, but something fucked its shit up and now it’s just
gone.

TELEPHONE OPERATOR: The building exploded? All of it?

CALLER: I mean, it’s like some parts exploded but others just kind of like, went in. I don’t know
but you guys gotta get someone down here because shit’s fucking insane.

TELEPHONE OPERATOR: OK, is anyone injured?

CALLER: I mean, I think I see some people but it’s honestly hard to look at, please can you just
send someone to check this shit out.

TELEPHONE OPERATOR: Yes, I’m going to transfer this to fire, we’re sending someone out
there now. Are you safe?

CALLER: I’m-

SFX: Staticky interruption, tape weirdness, interference

SAMUEL: (static, distorted).... A conduit….

PAYPHONE: Sorry sir, I didn’t quite get that

SFX: Static, shit fades out.

SCENE 3B

CHRISTINE: Shit, how the hell are we supposed to use that?

SFX: Weird transition music

SCENE 5

NICHOLAS: Alright… everything should be… set. Do I have to-

SFX: Tape weirdness, magical shit, super weird and freaky

STATIC MAN: Hey dude.

 Episode 7 Page 8

NICHOLAS: Uhm, hello. So… you have a lovely apartment.

STATIC MAN: [laughs] Dude, it’s not mine. I mean, kind of? Technically it belongs to this Wall
Street dipshit, but she’s never around, or like, she is around, time just moves super slowly for
her, or whatever. Still pays rent though. Anyway… oh shit, what’d you bring?

NICHOLAS: A takeout order from Charles’, and some Popeye’s just in case you weren’t into it.

STATIC MAN: Hell yeah, I’ll try something new.

SFX: Static man starts to eat his order.

STATIC MAN: This is pretty good! Not Popeye’s, but it’s good.

NICHOLAS: I’m glad you like it. So… did you invite me over here to talk? I completely
understand if-

STATIC MAN: Nah, this is something legit. OK, so this is probably going to look a little bit weird,
it’s best if you look away.

NICHOLAS: Alright

SFX: Weird magic tape looping sound

STATIC MAN: Ugh, that feels like I’m giving birth. I don’t like it.

NICHOLAS: That’s, a tape...

STATIC MAN: Yeah dude. Play it.

NICHOLAS: Oh, of course.

SFX: Nicholas grabs the tape, starts to put it in the player

NICHOLAS: Are you sure you want me to listen to it, or-

STATIC MAN: Dude, I only exist when I’m being recorded and observed, so like, yeah. I can
only actually hear it if you’re with me.

NICHOLAS: Alright

SFX: Tape starts

 Episode 7 Page 9

SFX: Tape weirdness, payphone weirdness, should sound jumbled and chaotic.

NICHOLAS: Uh, Static Man?

STATIC MAN: Dude, let it play.

NICHOLAS: Sorry

SFX: More tape weirdness until-

SCENE 6

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: I… I didn’t lie to you!

PAYPHONE: That is incorrect. Might I remind you that the terms of the agreement were quite
clear.

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: This is complete bullshit.

PAYPHONE: Be that as it may, you still lied to us.

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: No, I didn’t! I wouldn’t kill anyone to-

PAYPHONE: That is incorrect. If there were no significant legal consequences and if the person
were a stranger, you would murder another human being in order to gain your mother’s
acceptance and love.

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: That’s just… not true.

PAYPHONE: You are lying to me even now.

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: If you already know what I’d do, then why are you even asking these
questions? OK?

PAYPHONE: It is useful to me.

SFX: Knife shoots out of payphone

PAYPHONE: The best way to saw off a leg is through the patellofemoral joint. But use your best
judgment.

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: No, no, screw this, I’m getting-

MUSIC: Strange, ethereal song begins to play

 Episode 7 Page 10

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: [screaming]

PAYPHONE: Would you prefer if I stopped?

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: God… God...

MUSIC: Stops

PAYPHONE: The music will resume if and when you try and renege on your binding contract. Is
that understood?

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: I...

PAYPHONE: You will not be able to escape the payphone or contact anyone outside the
payphone before I resume the music. It is unfortunate that you have ears.

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: Which… leg do you want?

PAYPHONE: Your right leg. You may keep everything above the knee.

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: Do you have any… anesthetic, or...

PAYPHONE: That was not part of the agreement. There is only the knife.

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: Can we work… something else out?

MUSIC: Strange, ethereal song begins to play

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: [screaming]

MUSIC: Song stops

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: OK, OK… just let me roll up my pants.

SFX: Rolling up pants

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: Is this ok?

PAYPHONE: That is enough of your right leg for my purposes. (A beat) Other customers have
counted down from five. They found that helpful.

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: Fine. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.

 Episode 7 Page 11

SFX: Knife slips into flesh

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: [Screams]

SFX: Leg amputation sounds

PAYPHONE: Keep going. It is imperative that you remove your leg before you pass out.

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: [Screams]

SFX: Leg plops down

PAYPHONE: Acceptable. You may leave. I suggest promptly seeking medical attention.

UNFORTUNATE SOUL: I… I…

SFX: Crawling out

PAYPHONE: Have a pleasant day.

SFX: Door closing

SFX: Chute opens, leg swishes down

SFX: Tape ends

SCENE 7

(A beat)

NICHOLAS: Well… I’m glad I didn’t lie.

STATIC MAN: Play it back.

NICHOLAS: All of it?

STATIC MAN: Just the last part. From the door closing.

NICHOLAS: Alright

SFX: Rewinding

SFX: Door closing

 Episode 7 Page 12

SFX: Chute opens, leg swishes down

SFX: Tape ends

STATIC MAN: Again.

SFX: Door closing

SFX: Chute opens, leg swishes down

SFX: Tape ends

(A beat)

NICHOLAS: Static man?

STATIC MAN: Nothing! Not one goddamn thing. Damnit. Stupid, idiot, goddamn… shit.

NICHOLAS: Are you… alright?

STATIC MAN: They fuck us over, you know that, right?

NICHOLAS: Who?

STATIC MAN: The… the assholes. Everyone with power. It’s a goddamn rigged system. You
think you’re going to get lucky, but you just aren’t and even if you do, you turn into one of them.

(A beat)

NICHOLAS: I’m sorry. I don’t quite know what to say.

STATIC MAN: Yeah. Whatever. It just sucks.

NICHOLAS: What were you listening for?

STATIC MAN: I’m trying to find the… call center, or whatever. Wherever the payphone system’s
actually located. I was hoping that… I don’t know, payphone records everything, I was able to
get a couple calls...

NICHOLAS: You thought there would be some clue as to where it was located?

STATIC MAN: Yeah. It wasn’t a very good plan.

NICHOLAS: I’m sorry.

 Episode 7 Page 13

STATIC MAN: Not your fault, dude. It was a dumb idea. I’m down to watch Over The Garden
Wall with you, if you’d be into that?

NICHOLAS: Why do you want to find the call center?

STATIC MAN: Standard stuff. Kill whatever it is, get my body back, actually exist in the world.
Dude, it’s ok, I’ll figure something out eventually.

NICHOLAS: Would you consider the call center your primary foe?

STATIC MAN: Primary foe? I mean… sure. I guess.

NICHOLAS: Are you certain, it can’t be a guess.

STATIC MAN: Yeah, yeah dude. What are you thinking?

NICHOLAS: If I had a ritual to locate the call center, would you be interested in performing it?

STATIC MAN: Dude, are you kidding me? Of course! Like, I would owe you forever.

NICHOLAS: Perfect. Do you mind if I get started?

STATIC MAN: Yeah dude, start recording when you’re all ready.

NICHOLAS: Wonderful

SFX: Tape ends

SFX: Weird transition music

SCENE 3C

CHRISTINE: And here’s number two

SCENE 8

SFX: Band rehearsal background sounds.

DAN: ...so instead of doing the typical to the 2-5-4 turnaround like you’d expect it to, the 4
actually changes key a half-step up. So it’s like this sudden “Whoah!” moment where you’re all
like “Holy shit, what was that” It’s like-
 Episode 7 Page 14

BANDMATE 1: Dude, that’s pretty cool but maybe it’s too complicated? Like, this is going on a
vinyl record for people to actually listen to, it shouldn’t just be weird for weird’s sake.

DAN: OK but like, it’s not weird for weird’s sake, there’s a reason for it, it’s not like I’m just
throwing in a random accordion part for the hell of it without considering the spectral…

BANDMATE 2: Yeah man, like, it’s cool but it’s not really album material.

AWKWARD BEAT

BANDMATE 1: I’m not saying-

DAN: Look, I just-

BICKERING

BANDMATE 1: OK, let’s do it [burst of static] way, then we can fix it in mastering.

DAN: Trust me, I think it’s gonna be good.

BANDMATE 2: Sure. Whatever you say.

SFX: Count down with drumsticks.

SFX: Song starts to play, until it goes into a key change

SFX: All the equipment blowing up

BANDMATE 1: What the fuck!

BANDMATE 2: Shit, did that-

DAN: You said those amps were good, dude, why-

SFX: Tape ending

SCENE 3D

CHRISTINE: Awesome. Really glad I’m stuck at a motel listening to band practice.

SFX: Weird transition music

SCENE 9
 Episode 7 Page 15

SFX: Tape starts

NICHOLAS: Alright… we should be… ready…

SFX: Static man gets summoned

STATIC MAN: Yo… Damn, the ritual involves a cow’s head?

NICHOLAS: A bull’s head. And yes. Essentially, we each stand in those salt circles opposite
each other. We tell each other secrets and move towards the center, once we’ve each moved
through three salt circles… you’ll know where your enemy is.

STATIC MAN: Sounds pretty alright. What secrets do we have to tell?

NICHOLAS: Let me get this exactly. (Reading) The three things we have to share, in order, are:
a damaging secret someone has entrusted to you, a secret that will make the other think less of
you, and a secret that has the potential to cause the other genuine emotional harm.

STATIC MAN: Shit dude, and I’m guessing they can’t be like, minor?

NICHOLAS: No. Also, if one of us intentionally breaks the salt circle, they’re granted a minor
boon and the other person dies.

STATIC MAN: Well shit!

NICHOLAS: Do you want to go through with this?

STATIC MAN: I mean… man, dude. That’s heavy as hell. I hate to ask, but...

NICHOLAS: No, I wouldn’t.

STATIC MAN: Yeah man, obviously I wouldn’t either. But… I trust you. Do you trust me?

(A beat)

NICHOLAS: Yes.

STATIC MAN: Hell yeah then, let’s do this shit. Do we just stand...

NICHOLAS: The furthest circle. I’ve made sure they go from North to South. And since it’s your
enemy, you begin.

STATIC MAN: OK, what was the first one again? Just want to be absolutely clear.
 Episode 7 Page 16

NICHOLAS: A damaging secret someone has entrusted to you.

STATIC MAN: OK, OK, uhm, do you have to know the person?

NICHOLAS: No.

STATIC MAN: Natalia cheated on Vincent with this one dude at theater camp. Happened in
High School, but she and Vincent are still married, and he’s super shitty about stuff like that…
so it’s damaging. Sorry, I know a lot of heavy shit, but not a lot of people entrust me with it, it
just happens.

NICHOLAS: I think that works. Move forward to the next circle.

STATIC MAN: Oh, yeah.

NICHOLAS: When Chris was seventeen, someone at a party she was attending got alcohol
poisoning. Chris should have called an ambulance, but she was scared, and thought that they’d
be fine. They died later that night. It was a big party, and she pretended like she didn’t know
anything… but she’s been feeling guilty about it ever since.

SFX: Footstep

STATIC MAN: Wow, shit. Would she be cool with you telling me this?

NICHOLAS: I’m not sure. But she was seventeen, it shouldn’t affect your opinion of her. I…
haven’t been entrusted with that many secrets.

STATIC MAN: Yeah… I hear ya. What’s next?

NICHOLAS: A secret that will make the other think less of you.

STATIC MAN: I’d ask you not to be mad at me, but...

NICHOLAS: That’s the point.

STATIC MAN: Yeah. And you know I do some… not great stuff, for my job, so… about a year
before… this all happened, I was sleeping with this total Hermione, wait do you know what a
Hermione is?

NICHOLAS: No.

STATIC MAN: Someone who’s read way too much JK Rowling and thinks magic is all chosen
one funtimes. Anyway, I kind of…she thought that I was going to show her mystical secrets or
whatever, and she thought that we were in a relationship. I didn’t… lie to her, but I didn’t want to
 Episode 7 Page 17

stop having sex, so I just… dodged her questions and led her on. I thought it was ok if I didn’t
actually vocally lie, you know? But… looking back… if she kept up with the whole mystical
adventure shit she’s probably dead by now. Yeah, it’s not… I regret it, OK?

(A beat)

NICHOLAS: I… think that counts. You can move forward to the next circle.

STATIC MAN: You don’t…

(A beat)

NICHOLAS: No. Everyone’s done awful things. My turn. When my mom was dying, she begged
me to fly out and visit her, but I kept putting it off, making excuses. She died and she never got
to say goodbye to me. I… knew it would be painful for me to see her, so I decided not to go.

SFX: Footsteps

STATIC MAN: Wow. Shit, stuff like that is hard, but...

NICHOLAS: Everyone’s done awful things. Your turn. A secret that has the potential to cause
the other genuine emotional harm.

STATIC MAN: OK, so… don’t hate me, but… I’m not sure if the double recorder thing will work?

NICHOLAS: What?

STATIC MAN: Splitting up the recorders. I know I said I was sure, and it could work, it could…
but you might have to listen to the tapes together. It’s… up in the air. Sorry dude, I-

NICHOLAS: We could have waited! Listening to those tapes would take what, fifteen minutes?
You can’t wait fifteen minutes? You could have ruined everything because you-

STATIC MAN: I have no idea if you’re going to call me again, OK? I didn’t… the pauses in
existence… they’re goddamn terrifying. I just… it’ll probably work. Don’t… break the salt thing,
OK? Please?

NICHOLAS: Move to the next circle.

(A beat)

NICHOLAS: My turn. When Christine and I invited you to our motel earlier today, it was partly
because we enjoy your company, but it was also because we thought you could be a useful ally.
 Episode 7 Page 18

You might have information on payphone’s request, and if you liked us, you’d be able to help us
out.

(A beat)

STATIC MAN: You don’t...

NICHOLAS: We do enjoy your company. You can be friends with someone you want to use.

STATIC MAN: Well, I guess it worked out for you.

SFX: Footsteps

NICHOLAS: Congratulations. We’ve completed the ritual.

STATIC MAN: How does this-

SFX: Slight magic noise

BULL’S HEAD: (gasping and wheezing) Brooklyn Navy Yards, Old Union Building, Lot C.

SFX: Bull’s head continues to gasp and wheeze

(A beat)

NICHOLAS: I suppose that explains the bull’s head

STATIC MAN: Why is it still… gasping?

NICHOLAS: I’m not sure...

STATIC MAN: Well, I’m going to put it in the freezer… Wall Street dipshit will shit herself.

SFX: Static Man moves the wheezing bull’s head to the freezer.

NICHOLAS: You need help?

STATIC MAN: Nah, dude. Are we… OK?

NICHOLAS: I think so. I didn’t break the circle.

STATIC MAN: Yeah.

(A beat)
 Episode 7 Page 19

NICHOLAS: I realize that I can be a bit… calculating. But that doesn’t mean I don’t… want to
watch Over The Garden Wall with you.

STATIC MAN: Yeah, sorry about the twin recorder things. It was shitty of me. Goodbye, weird,
semi-alive cow’s head.

SFX: Static man puts bull’s head in the freezer.

(A beat)

NICHOLAS: If you’d like, I could look up the Her-... the woman you told me about. We could find
out what happened to her.

(A beat)

STATIC MAN: Thanks for offering. But I’d prefer not to know.

NICHOLAS: I understand. I’ll look up where the navy yard union building is. Prepare a bit.

STATIC MAN: Yeah. Start recording when you get there.

NICHOLAS: Alright.

SFX: Tape ends

SFX: Weird transition music

SCENE 3E

CHRISTINE: And final one.

TAPE STARTS

MUSIC: A short version of Xkryxx’s song.

TAPE ENDS

CHRISTINE: Why do I kind of remember that? OK, that’s it, I hope Nicholas is...oh, oh shit
[vomits out a tape] Goddamnit, why is it… damnit.

SFX: Weird transition music

SCENE 10
 Episode 7 Page 20

SFX: Tape starts

NICHOLAS: And here we are…

SFX: Tape weirdness, magical shit, super weird and freaky

STATIC MAN: Yo… this the place?

NICHOLAS: It appears so.

STATIC MAN: Like the abandoned warehouse vibe. Very Jean-Claude Van Damme action
movie.

NICHOLAS: I wouldn’t know.

STATIC MAN: Oh shit… smart, nice thinking. Headphones, for the...

NICHOLAS: Yeah… and you don’t have ears, so…

STATIC MAN: Calculating as hell. I like it.

NICHOLAS: Any idea as to what we should expect?

STATIC MAN: Nah, sorry.

NICHOLAS: And the plan is to just, kill her? That’ll reincorporate you?

STATIC MAN: That’s the idea. Some rituals can survive after their caster’s death… but those
are super powerful. I’m hoping…

NICHOLAS: I understand. Shall we?

STATIC MAN: Hell yeah.

NICHOLAS: Alright, let me…

SFX: Nicholas puts headphones on

NICHOLAS: Tap me when I can take these off.

STATIC MAN: Understood. Oh, thumbs up.

SFX: Door opening.

 Episode 7 Page 21

SCENE 11

STATIC MAN: Hey, payphone lady, we know you’re-

NICHOLAS: Oh god… no...

PAYPHONE: Visitors were not scheduled. This will have to be addressed…

MUSIC: Same music from earlier starts to play

STATIC MAN: Yeah, dude’s wearing headphones and I don’t really have ears, so…

PAYPHONE: That was unforeseen.

STATIC MAN: Yeah, we’re smart as shit. Now to find…

SFX: Footsteps, squelching

STATIC MAN: Just FYI, walking through your weird-ass collection of body parts is really
goddamn disgusting... Here we go

SFX: Yanks at cords

MUSIC: Stops

STATIC MAN: Nice synth, by the way. Super phantom of the opera. Yo, Nick, you can take off
your headphones.

NICHOLAS: It’s…

STATIC MAN: Yeah, she can’t make her music anymore.

PAYPHONE: It appears you have me at a disadvantage. But I am more than happy to make
room for an unscheduled appointment.

NICHOLAS: What… what the hell are you?

PAYPHONE: I am… a gestalt. Many parts forged into one. Something new and interesting
created from parts I acquired. There was a reason I wanted your left hand. Would you still be
willing to sell it?

NICHOLAS: How many… how many… pieces are there?

 Episode 7 Page 22

PAYPHONE: Thirty-two eyes, ninety right arms, twelve pairs of testicles-

NICHOLAS: Stop!

(A beat)

PAYPHONE: You did not answer my question. Would you still be willing to sell your left hand?

NICHOLAS: No.

PAYPHONE: A pity. May I ask why two of my most valued customers felt the need to meet me
in person?

STATIC MAN: Take a guess.

PAYPHONE: I assume you are here to kill me. That is unfortunate, but I cannot stop you. My
form is not inclined to movement.

NICHOLAS: How are we going to-

PAYPHONE: If I may be of assistance, my hearts are clustered towards the north of the
warehouse. Severing the valves would be easiest.

STATIC MAN: I mean, yeah, let’s just believe you, that sounds super smart.

PAYPHONE: I have never once lied to you, Arthur. Nor have I broken a contract.

STATIC MAN: Well I definitely wasn’t expecting to be turned into… whatever the hell I am!

PAYPHONE: Contracts should not be entered into lightly, Arthur.

STATIC MAN: You know what, go to hell. However you justify it, you’re still doing shitty things to
people. Taking advantage of them. Turning them into goddamn monsters.

PAYPHONE: An interesting point. When I was first given the equipment to begin my current
occupation, certain people articulated that anyone who would stoop to using a resource such as
myself was already, as you put it, a goddamn monster.

NICHOLAS: Wait, who gave you your equipment?

STATIC MAN: Don’t listen to her, Nick. Come on, her hearts are over here.

SFX: Footsteps, should squelch

 Episode 7 Page 23

PAYPHONE: If it is at all possible, Arthur, would you kill me yourself?

STATIC MAN: Why?

PAYPHONE: It would… be of comfort to me. I would grant Nicholas a small gift, if he were to
refrain.

STATIC MAN: Whatever. Sure.

(A beat)

STATIC MAN: I’ve been waiting for this for a long goddamn time...

NICHOLAS: Static Man, Arthur-

STATIC MAN: Don’t call me Arthur.

NICHOLAS: Are you sure about this?

STATIC MAN: Yeah. Yeah, I am. Any last words?

PAYPHONE: Yes. You are sitting at a dining room table, seated across from you are your
father, your mother, your first-

STATIC MAN: Are you goddamn kidding me with this bullshit?

PAYPHONE: I… please do not kill me. Please.

STATIC MAN: Why the hell shouldn’t I?

PAYPHONE: Because I do not want to die.

STATIC MAN: Well then, give me my body back, you low-rent Frankenstein.

PAYPHONE: That is not… within my power to do. I am sorry, Arthur.

STATIC MAN: Well then, this is goddamn happening!

PAYPHONE: Nicholas! Please! Convince him!

STATIC MAN: Ugh, Payphone, this is getting really pathetic, why don’t you just-

NICHOLAS: Is there anything else you can give Static Man? Payment for leaving you alone?
 Episode 7 Page 24

STATIC MAN: Come on, dude.

PAYPHONE: I am not as powerful as you think I am. There are no puppetmasters. No one rules
the world. Even creatures are people. Especially creatures. Please… Arthur

STATIC MAN: Whatever.

SFX: Squelching, gross, hearts being ripped open

NICHOLAS: Oh god

SFX: More squelching, should go on for a while

PAYPHONE: (strained) I am certain the wound is mortal. Do not strain yourself further.
Nicholas...

SFX: Magical vomiting sound

PAYPHONE: As promised…

NICHOLAS: It’s another tape. I’m not surprised.

PAYPHONE: Half of one. Arthur was incorrect about the recorders, but this should fix his
mistake. Arthur…

STATIC MAN: Great, please, tell me more...

PAYPHONE You should have listened to me when I gave you the chance... there was a part of
me that did not want to die, that part is dead now. Now I can look into your eyes when you
realize that you will be trapped within the static that you call a body for the rest of your
existence-

STATIC MAN: What the hell, I-

PAYPHONE: The idea that a being such as myself would fail to have contingency plans is
ludicrous. I will rebuild, I will survive, and I will see you again, Arthur. [sputters out her last
breath]

STATIC MAN: Goddamnit! Goddamnit! No, no, why am I… she’s lying, she has to be, she has
to be goddamn lying. There’s got to be, some way…

(A beat)

NICHOLAS: Perhaps… we could find a ritual…

 Episode 7 Page 25

STATIC MAN: Turn the goddamn recorder off. Just… turn it off.

NICHOLAS: Alright.

TAPE BREAK 1

Music: a wordless song, sad and mournful

END TAPE BREAK

SCENE 12

SFX: Tape recorder turns on

CHRISTINE: I turned mine off… probably easier that way.

NICHOLAS: How were the tapes?

CHRISTINE: Weird. After I listened, I vomited up this like… broken cassette…

NICHOLAS: I… think I have the other piece.

CHRISTINE: Wait, really?

NICHOLAS: Yeah, bring them together

SFX: Clack

SFX: Weird magical fusing sound

CHRISTINE: Damn dude. How’d you get yours?

NICHOLAS: Static man and I… we destroyed Payphone’s hearts.

CHRISTINE: Wait, you destroyed payphone? And hearts? Plural?

NICHOLAS: It’s a long story, I-

SFX: Tape weirdness, magical shit, super weird and freaky

NICHOLAS: Hey. I didn’t think you’d be back.

STATIC MAN: Yeah.

 Episode 7 Page 26

CHRISTINE: Everything ok?

STATIC MAN: Everything’s fine. I’m kind of unemployed right now, but… I’ll find something.
Enough people know how to request me.

CHRISTINE: I’m sorry.

STATIC MAN: Well, my boss was kind of the worst, so…

CHRISTINE: I understand.

NICHOLAS: You’ll be ok?

STATIC MAN: Yeah. I just wanted to say… whatever happened… thank you. I don’t know if
you’re a good guy, but you’re a good friend, so… whatever you need… you know my number.

NICHOLAS: Thanks.

STATIC MAN: Yeah, peace.

SFX: Tape weirdness, magical shit, super weird and freaky

CHRISTINE: Bye.

NICHOLAS: I’ll fill you in later.

CHRISTINE: Same here. The cassette though… the conjoined one...

NICHOLAS: Yeah. You ready to listen to another tape?