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MENTAL WELL-BEING Life Youth in Focus Mind & B

How to Become the Boss of

Your Emotions
Medically reviewed by Jennifer Litner, PhD,
LMFT, CST — Written by Crystal Raypole on April
28, 2020

Consider the impact Regulate Name it

Accept them Journal Breathe
Read the room Get some space Meditate
Manage stress Therapy

The ability to experience and express emotions is

more important than you might realize.

As the felt response to a given situation, emotions

play a key part in your reactions. When you’re in
tune with them, you have access to important
knowledge that helps with:

decision-making

relationship success

day-to-day interactions

self-care

While emotions can have a helpful role in your

daily life, they can take a toll on your emotional
health and interpersonal relationships when they
start to feel out of control.

Vicki Botnick, a therapist in Tarzana, California,

explains that any emotion — even elation, joy, or
others you’d typically view as positive — can
intensify to a point where it becomes difficult to
control.

With a little practice, though, you can take back

the reigns. Two studies from 2010 ! suggest that
having good emotional regulation skills is linked
to well-being. Plus, the second one found a
potential link between these skills and financial
success, so putting in some work on that front
may literally pay off.

Here are some pointers to get you started.

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1. Take a look at the impact of

your emotions
Intense emotions aren’t all bad.

“Emotions make our lives exciting, unique, and

vibrant,” Botnick says. “Strong feelings can signify
that we embrace life fully, that we’re not
repressing our natural reactions.”

It’s perfectly normal to experience some

emotional overwhelm on occasion— when
something wonderful happens, when something
terrible happens, when you feel like you’ve
missed out.

So, how do you know when there’s a problem?

Emotions that regularly get out of hand might lead

to:

relationship or friendship conflict

difficulty relating to others

trouble at work or school

an urge to use substances to help manage

your emotions

physical or emotional outbursts

Find some time to take stock of just how your

uncontrolled emotions are affecting your day-to-
day life. This will make it easier to identify problem
areas (and track your success).

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2. Aim for regulation, not

repression
You can’t control your emotions with a dial (if only
it were that easy!). But imagine, for a moment, that
you could manage emotions this way.

You wouldn’t want to leave them running at

maximum all the time. You also wouldn’t want to
switch them off entirely, either.

When you suppress or repress emotions, you’re

preventing yourself from experiencing and
expressing feelings. This can happen consciously
(suppression) or unconsciously (repression).

Either can contribute to mental and physical

health symptoms, including:

anxiety

depression

sleep issues

muscle tension and pain

difficulty managing stress

substance misuse

When learning to exercise control over emotions,

make sure you aren’t just sweeping them under
the rug. Healthy emotional expression involves
finding some balance between overwhelming
emotions and no emotions at all.
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3. Identify what you’re feeling

Taking a moment to check in with yourself about
your mood can help you begin gaining back
control.

Say you’ve been seeing someone for a few

months. You tried planning a date last week, but
they said they didn’t have time. Yesterday, you
texted again, saying, “I’d like to see you soon. Can
you meet this week?”

They finally reply, more than a day later: “Can’t.

Busy.”

You’re suddenly extremely upset. Without

stopping to think, you hurl your phone across the
room, knock over your wastebasket, and kick your
desk, stubbing your toe.

Interrupt yourself by asking:

What am I feeling right now? (disappointed,

confused, furious)

What happened to make me feel this way?

(They brushed me off with no explanation.)

Does the situation have a different

explanation that might make sense?
(Maybe they’re stressed, sick, or dealing with
something else they don’t feel comfortable
explaining. They might plan to explain more
when they can.)

What do I want to do about these feelings?

(Scream, vent my frustration by throwing
things, text back something rude.)

Is there a better way of coping with them?

(Ask if everything’s OK. Ask when they’re
free next. Go for a walk or run.)

By considering possible alternatives, you’re

reframing your thoughts, which can help you
modify your first extreme reaction.

It can take some time before this response

becomes a habit. With practice, going through
these steps in your head will become easier (and
more effective).

4. Accept your emotions — all of

them
If you’re trying to get better at managing
emotions, you might try downplaying your feelings
to yourself.

When you hyperventilate after receiving good

news or collapse on the floor screaming and
sobbing when you can’t find your keys, it might
seem helpful to tell yourself, “Just calm down,” or
“It’s not that big of a deal, so don’t freak out.”

But this invalidates your experience. It is a big

deal to you.

Accepting emotions as they come helps you get

more comfortable with them. Increasing your
comfort around intense emotions allows you to
fully feel them without reacting in extreme,
unhelpful ways.

To practice accepting emotions, try

thinking of them as messengers. They’re
not “good” or “bad.” They’re neutral.
Maybe they bring up unpleasant feelings
sometimes, but they’re still giving you
important information that you can use.

For example, try:

“I’m upset because I keep losing my keys,

which makes me late. I should put a dish on
the shelf by the door so I remember to leave
them in the same place.”

Accepting emotions may lead to ! greater life

satisfaction and fewer mental health symptoms.
What’s more, people thinking of their emotions as
helpful may lead to ! higher levels of happiness.

5. Keep a mood journal

Writing down (or typing up) your feelings and the
responses they trigger can help you uncover any
disruptive patterns.

Sometimes, it’s enough to mentally trace

emotions back through your thoughts. Putting
feelings onto paper can allow you to reflect on
them more deeply.

It also helps you recognize when specific

circumstances, like trouble at work or family
conflict, contribute to harder-to-control emotions.
Identifying specific triggers makes it possible to
come up with ways to manage them more
productively.

Journaling provides the most benefit when you do

it daily. Keep your journal with you and jot down
intense emotions or feelings as they happen. Try
to note the triggers and your reaction. If your
reaction didn’t help, use your journal to explore
more helpful possibilities for the future.
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6. Take a deep breath

There’s much to be said for the power of a deep
breath, whether you’re ridiculously happy or so
angry you can’t speak.

Slowing down and paying attention to your breath

won’t make the emotions go away (and
remember, that’s not the goal).

Still, deep breathing exercises can help you

ground yourself and take a step back from the
first intense flash of emotion and any extreme
reaction you want to avoid.

The next time you feel emotions starting to take

control:

Breathe in slowly. Deep breaths come from

the diaphragm, not the chest. It may help to
visualize your breath rising from deep in
your belly.

Hold it. Hold your breath for a count of

three, then let it out slowly.

Consider a mantra. Some people find it

helpful to repeat a mantra, like “I am calm” or
“I am relaxed.”

7. Know when to express yourself

There’s a time and place for everything, including
intense emotions. Sobbing uncontrollably is a
pretty common response to losing a loved one,
for example. Screaming into your pillow, even
punching it, might help you relieve some anger
and tension after being dumped.

Other situations, however, call for some restraint.

No matter how frustrated you are, screaming at
your boss over an unfair disciplinary action won’t
help.

Being mindful of your surroundings and the

situation can help you learn when it’s OK to let
feelings out and when you might want to sit with
them for the moment.
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8. Give yourself some space

Getting some distance from intense feelings can
help you make sure you’re reacting to them in
reasonable ways, according to Botnick.

This distance might be physical, like leaving an

upsetting situation, for example. But you can also
create some mental distance by distracting
yourself.

While you don’t want to block or avoid feelings

entirely, it’s not harmful to distract yourself until
you’re in a better place to deal with them. Just
make sure you do come back to them. Healthy
distractions are only temporary.

Try:

taking a walk

watching a funny video

talking to a loved one

spending a few minutes with your pet

9. Try meditation
If you practice meditation already, it might be one
of your go-to methods for coping with extreme
feelings.

Meditation can help you increase your awareness

of all feelings and experiences. When you
meditate, you’re teaching yourself to sit with those
feelings, to notice them without judging yourself
or attempting to change them or make them go
away.

As mentioned above, learning to accept all of your

emotions can make emotional regulation easier.
Meditation helps you increase those acceptance
skills. It also offers other benefits, like helping you
relax and get better sleep.

Our guide to different kinds of meditation can

help you get started.
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10. Stay on top of stress

When you’re under a lot of stress, managing your
emotions can become more difficult. Even people
who generally can control their emotions well
might find it harder in times of high tension and
stress.

Reducing stress, or finding more helpful ways to

manage it, can help your emotions become more
manageable.

Mindfulness practices like meditation can help

with stress, too. They won’t get rid of it, but they
can make it easier to live with.

Other healthy ways to cope with stress include:

getting enough sleep

making time to talk (and laugh) with friends

exercise

spending time in nature

making time for relaxation and hobbies

11. Talk to a therapist

If your emotions continue to feel overwhelming, it
may be time to seek professional support.

Long-term or persistent emotional dysregulation

and mood swings are linked to certain mental
health conditions, including borderline personality
disorder and bipolar disorder. Trouble controlling
emotions can also relate to trauma, family issues,
or other underlying concerns, Botnick explains.

A therapist can offer compassionate, judgment-

free support as you:

explore factors contributing to dysregulated

emotions

address severe mood swings

learn how down-regulate intense feelings or

up-regulate limited emotional expression

practice challenging and reframing feelings

that cause distress

Mood swings and intense emotions can provoke

negative or unwanted thoughts that eventually
trigger feelings of hopelessness or despair.

This cycle can eventually lead to unhelpful coping

methods like self-harm or even thoughts of
suicide. If you begin thinking about suicide or
have urges to self-harm, talk to a trusted loved
one who can help you get support right away.

If you need help now

If you’re considering suicide or have
thoughts of harming yourself, you can call
the Substance Abuse and Mental Health
Services Administration at 800-662-HELP
(4357).

The 24/7 hotline will connect you with

mental health resources in your area.
Trained specialists can also help you find
your state’s resources for treatment if you
don’t have health insurance.

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Watch more from the Youth in

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Youth In Focus - Episode 1: The

! Struggle

" 4:39 " 6:04

Youth In Focus - Episode 1: Youth In Focus - Episode

The Struggle 2: The Acceptance

Crystal Raypole has

previously worked as a
writer and editor for
GoodTherapy. Her fields of
interest include Asian
languages and literature,
Japanese translation,
cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and
mental health. In particular, she’s committed to
helping decrease stigma around mental health
issues.

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Last medically reviewed on April 28, 2020

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