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Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

Chapter 6 Proprietary Funds

True/False Questions

1. Proprietary funds use the accrual basis of accounting.

Answer: True

2. Enterprise Funds and Internal Service Funds are part of the larger category of
Proprietary Funds.

Answer: True

3. Internal Service Funds account for activities that produce goods or services to be
provided to outside customers on a cost reimbursement basis.

Answer: False

4. Enterprise funds are used to account for activities similar to those engaged in profit-
seeking businesses.

Answer: True

5. Financial statements for proprietary funds are prepared using the current financial
resource measurement focus.

Answer: False

6. Budgetary comparison schedules are required for proprietary funds.

Answer: False

7. An enterprise fund should be used when the government has a policy to establish fees to
cover the costs of providing services for an activity.

Answer: True

8. An enterprise fund should be used when debt is back solely by fees and charges

Answer: True

9. An enterprise fund should be used when a legal requirement exists that the cost of
providing services are to be recovered through fees or charges.

Answer: True

6-1
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

10. Proprietary Funds use the modified accrual basis of accounting.

Answer: False

11. Enterprise funds are reported in the fund-basis statements only.

Answer: False

12. Internal Service funds are reported in the fund-basis statements only.

Answer: False

13. Activities that produce goods or services to be provided to other departments or other
governmental units on a cost-reimbursement basis are accounted for by enterprise funds.

Answer: False

14. The excess of assets over liabilities of proprietary funds is termed “Fund Balance”

Answer: False

15. Enterprise funds use the economic resources measurement focus and accrual basis of
accounting

Answer: True

16. An enterprise fund is required if there is a legal requirement that the cost of providing
services for an activity, including capital costs, be recovered through fees or charges.

Answer: True

17. An internal service fund is required whenever an activity is funded by fees or charges
from other government departments.

Answer: False

18. Unlike enterprise funds, it is frequently desirable for internal service funds to operate at
a profit.

Answer: False

6-2
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

19. The most numerous and important enterprise services rendered by local governments are
public utilities.

Answer: True

20. The term “fiduciary funds” includes enterprise and internal service funds.

Answer: False

21. Proprietary funds use the economic resources measurement focus and modified accrual
basis of accounting.

Answer: False

22. Fund-basis financial statements prepared for proprietary funds include the Statement of
Net Assets, Statement of Revenues, Expenses, and Changes in Fund Net Assets, and the
Statement of Cash Flows.

Answer: True

23. Proprietary funds record capital assets, depreciation on those capital assets, and long-
term debt.

Answer: True

24. Investment pools are an example of an activity that may be accounted for in an internal
service fund.

Answer: False

25. Cash flow statements of proprietary funds must use the direct method for recording cash
flows from operations.

Answer: True

26. Municipal solid waste landfills, when accounted for as proprietary funds, record a
liability for closure and post-closure care costs; recording expenses on a units of
production basis.

Answer: True

27. The Proprietary Fund Statement of Net Assets must classify assets and liabilities
between current and long-term.

Answer: True

6-3
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

28. When estimating uncollectible accounts, an enterprise fund will record a debit to Bad
Debt Expense and a credit to Accumulated Provision for Uncollectible Accounts.

Answer: False

29. Impact fees charged to real estate developers are recorded in an enterprise fund as
capital contributions, a nominal account that will increase Net Assets, but is reported
separately in the statement of Revenues, Expenses and Changes in Fund Net Assets.

Answer: True

30. Postclosure costs are recorded in a solid waste landfill enterprise fund at the present
value of estimated future costs.

Answer: False

31. Long term liabilities of an enterprise fund are not reported in the proprietary fund
statements, but are reported in government-wide statements.

Answer: False

32. Capital assets constructed by an internal service fund are recorded in a capital projects
fund.

Answer: False

33. The Proprietary Fund Statement of Revenues, Expenses, and Changes in Fund Net
Assets must include a performance indicator, such as operating income.

Answer: True

34. GASB requires that the reconciliation of income and cash flows from operations starts
with operating income.

Answer: True

35. FASB requires that the reconciliation of income and cash flows from operations starts
with operating income.

Answer: False

6-4
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

36. The four categories on the Statement of Cash Flows for a proprietary fund are operating,
non-capital financing activities, capital and related financing activities, and investing
activities.

Answer: True

37. An Enterprise Fund has an indefinite life.

Answer: True

38. The Balance Sheet and the Statement of Revenues, Expenditures, and Changes in Fund
Balances are required for Proprietary funds.

Answer: False

39. Proprietary funds are required to have a Statement of Revenues, Expenses, and Change
in Net Assets, a Statement of Net Assets, but not a Statement of Cash Flows.

Answer: False

40. GASB requires the indirect method to determine cash flows from operating activities.

Answer: False

41. GASB Cash Flow Statements requires four classifications of cash flows instead of the 3
required by FASB.

Answer: True
.
42. The reconciliation on the statement of cash flows for a proprietary fund under GASB
requirements is between operating income and cash flows from operating activities.

Answer: True

43. Proprietary funds use the economic resources measurement focus and accrual basis of
accounting.

Answer: True

44. Long term debt serviced from proprietary funds is recorded in the Long Term Debt
Account Group.

Answer: False

6-5
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

45. Long term debt serviced from proprietary funds is reported only in the government-wide
Statement of Net Assets.

Answer: False

46. According to GASB 34, restricted net assets include those that are the results of
constraints imposed by creditors, grantors, contributors, or laws or regulations of other
governments.

Answer: True

47. According to GASB 34, restricted net assets include those that are the results of
constraints imposed by law through constitutional provisions or enabling legislation.

Answer: True

48. Proprietary funds report using the current financial resources measurement focus and the
modified accrual basis of accounting.

Answer: False

49. Unlike internal service funds, it is frequently desirable for enterprise funds to operate at
a profit.

Answer: True

6-6
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

Multiple Choice Questions

50. Which of the following statements is true regarding proprietary funds?

A) Accruals and deferrals common to business accounting are recorded in proprietary
funds.
B) Proprietary funds use the modified accrual basis of accounting
C) GASB standards require budget-actual reporting for proprietary funds.
D) The purchase of a capital asset is recorded as an expenditure in proprietary funds.

Answer: A

51. Centralized purchasing, computer services, and janitorial services are examples of
activities that are commonly reported in:
A) Enterprise funds.
B) Capital project funds.
C) Debt service funds.
D) Internal service funds.

Answer: D

52. Internal service funds account for

A) Activities that produce goods or services to be provided to other governmental
units on a cost reimbursement basis.
B) Activities that produce goods or services to be provided to outside consumers units
on a cost reimbursement basis.
C) Both A and B.
D) None of the above.

Answer: A

53. An example of an activity that would not normally be accounted for in an internal
service fund would be:
A) Motor pool.
B) Garbage collection.
C) Print shop.
D) Central storeroom.

Answer: B

6-7
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

54. An example of an activity that would not normally be accounted for in an enterprise
fund would be:
A) Swimming pool.
B) Motor pool.
C) Airport.
D) Lottery.

Answer: B

55. Which financial statements are required for a proprietary fund?

A) Income statement, Statement of Net Assets and Statement of Cash Flows
B) Statement of Revenues, Expenses and Changes in Net Assets, Statement of Net Assets
and Statement of Cash Flows
C) Statement of Revenues, Expenses and Changes in Fund Balance and Statement of Net
Assets, and Statement of Cash Flows
D) Statement of Revenues, Expenses and Changes in Net Assets and Statement of Net
Assets

Answer: B

56. Which of the following is correct with respect to Internal Service Funds?
A) Internal service funds use accrual accounting and the economic resource measurement
focus
B) Net Assets (fund equity) are to be reported in two categories: assigned and unassigned
C) Internal service funds account for long-term debt but not capital assets
D) All of the above are false statements

Answer: A

57. The categories of Net assets for a proprietary fund are classified within which of the
following categories?
A) Net Assets Invested in Capital Assets Net of Related Debt, Restricted Net Assets and
Unrestricted Net Assets
B) Spendable Net Assets and Spendable Net Assets
C) Committed Net Assets, Assigned Net Assets and Unassigned Net Assets
D) Restricted Fund balance, Committed Fund balance, Assigned Fund Balance, and
Nonspendable Fund Balance

Answer: A

6-8
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

58. Restricted Net Assets for a proprietary fund:

A) Are net resources whose use is restricted by law
B) Are reported net of depreciation
C) Are reported net of accumulated depreciation and any outstanding debt used to
acquire the asset
D) Are net resources whose use is restricted by creditors, grantors or other
governments.

Answer: D

59. Which of the following is not true regarding proprietary funds?

A) Enterprise funds are used by governments to account for services provided to the
general public on a user-charge basis.
B) General obligation bonds that will be paid from enterprise revenues must be
reflected in the accounts of enterprise funds.
C) Internal service self-insurance should set fees based on anticipated charges or a
long-range plan to break even over time.
D) The operation of internal service funds has no impact on other funds because it is
run as a business and provides services that would have been purchased elsewhere
by the other funds.

Answer: D

60. GASB Statement 34 requires enterprise funds to be used under which of the following
circumstances?
A) When the legal requirement exists that the cost of providing services for an
activity, including capital costs, be recovered through fees or charges.
B) When debt is backed by the full faith and credit of the government issuing it.
C) When a government is restricted by grant covenants to cover the cost of providing
services for an activity.
D) All of the above.

Answer: A

61. According to GASB Statement 34, restricted net assets are those that are the result of
constraints from:
A) Imposed by law though constitutional provisions
B) Imposed by enabling legislation
C) Imposed by creditors or grantors
D) All of the above

Answer: D

6-9
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

62. Proprietary funds:

A) Are required to present a reconciliation between the Statement of Revenues,
Expenses, and Changes in Fund Net Assets and the Cash Flow Statement
B) Are required to present budget-actual statements in the fund statements
C) Are not required to accrue interest due more than 30 days after the end of the fiscal
year
D) Are required to present a Statement of Revenues and Expenses and Balance sheet.

Answer: A

63. When governments operate landfills as enterprise funds, which of the following is
correct?
A) GASB requires that certain postclosure costs be estimated and accrued during the
period the landfills receive solid waste.
B) GASB requires that a portion of future estimated costs be charged as an expense
and liability of the landfill using units-of-production method as waste is accepted.
C) The purpose of recording postclosure expenses and liabilities is to match the
estimated costs with the revenues during the period of time the waste is accepted.
D) All of the above are correct

Answer: D

64. The Statement of Cash Flows for a proprietary fund would include which of the
following?
A) Operating, investing, financing
B) Operating, capital and related financing, investing
C) Operating, investing, fiduciary and capital related financing activities
D) Operating, investing, capital and related financing and noncapital related financing

Answer: D

65. Pollution remediation costs:

A) Are recorded as expenses if they will be paid from current resources.
B) Are to be accrued as a liability in the basic financial statements.
C) Are not an issue is the state or local government merely used (but did not operate)
the polluted site.
D) All of the above

Answer: B

6-10
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

66. Proprietary funds utilize what basis of accounting?

A) Modified accrual.
B) Accrual.
C) Cash.
D) Budgetary.

Answer: B

67. Which of the following are best described as proprietary funds?

I. Internal Service funds

II. Pension funds
III. Enterprise funds

A) I only.
B) I and II.
C) I and III.
D) I, II, and III.

Answer: C

68. Activities that produce goods or services to be provided to other departments or other
governmental units would be reported in which fund?
A) Enterprise fund.
B) Internal service fund.
C) Agency fund.
D) Advance fund.

Answer: B

69. Governmental units use which fund type to account for services provided to the general
public on a user-charge basis?
A) General Fund.
B) Enterprise fund.
C) Permanent fund.
D) Internal service fund.

Answer: B

6-11
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

70. Solid waste landfills are required to estimate the cost of closure which include:
A) Cost of equipment used.
B) Cost of landfill cover.
C) Cost of caring for the site for 30 years.
D) all of the above.

Answer: D

71. The estimated costs of closure of solid waste landfills are measured using:
A) Estimated future costs.
B) Actual closure costs.
C) Historical costs.
D) Current costs.

Answer: D

72. For landfills accounted for as enterprise funds, a portion of the estimated cost of closure
of solid waste landfills should be charged as an expense and a liability of the landfill
operation each year on a:
A) Actual cost method.
B) Units-of-production method.
C) Estimated cost method.
D) None of the above.

Answer: B

73. Which of the following is true of the Statement of Net Assets for proprietary funds?
A) a classified format is used in which current assets, noncurrent assets, current
liabilities, and noncurrent liabilities are presented separately.
B) separate disclosure is required for major enterprise funds and a total for all non-
major enterprise funds
C) Neither A nor B are correct.
D) Both A and B are correct.

Answer: D

74. Impact fees imposed on commercial developers by an enterprise fund and not associated
with specific projects or improvements are recorded as:
A) Transfers from the enterprise fund to a capital projects fund.
B) Operating revenues to the enterprise fund.
C) Capital contributions to the enterprise fund.
D) Unearned revenue to the enterprise fund.

Answer: C

6-12
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

75. GASB requires the ____________ method to report cash flows from operating activities
in the Statement of Cash Flows.
A) Indirect.
B) Direct.
C) Modified accrual
D) Full accrual

Answer: B

76. Which of the following is false regarding proprietary fund accounting?

A) The economic resources measurement focus and accrual accounting are used.
B) Capital assets are recorded in the accounts and depreciated over their useful lives.
C) The Statement of Net Assets must be in a classified format, with current assets
separated from noncurrent assets and current liabilities separated from noncurrent
liabilities.
D) In the Statement of Net Assets, the net assets are reported as either reserved or
unreserved.

Answer: D

77. Montgomery County operates a landfill as an enterprise fund. The closure and
postclosure care costs are estimated to be $24 million. It is estimated that the capacity
of the landfill is 12 million tons of waste and that waste will be accepted for 4 years.
During 2014, 2.9 million tons of waste was accepted. The charge for closure and
postclosure care costs for 2014 would be:
A) $ 6 million.
B) $ 5.8 million.
C) $ 4.5 million.
D) $ 3 million

Answer: B

78. An internal service fund provided services to a General Fund department. At the time of
billing, the credit entry in the internal service fund would be:
A) Other Financing Sources—Transfers In.
B) Operating Revenues—Charges for Services.
C) Other Financing Sources—Charges for Services.
D) Due from General Fund.

Answer: B

6-13
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

79. Revenue bonds sold by a water utility fund, upon sale, would be recorded in an
enterprise fund as:
A) Other Financing Sources—Proceeds of Bonds.
B) A liability.
C) A direct addition to Net Assets.
D) Nonoperating Revenues—Proceeds of Bonds.

Answer: B

80. Which of the following is true regarding the recording of long term debt in an enterprise
fund?
A) When revenue bonds are sold at par, Cash is debited and Bonds Payable is
credited.
B) The bonds would be reported in both an enterprise fund and in the government-
wide statements.
C) Both of the above.
D) Neither of the above.

Answer: C

81. Norton County operated a landfill, and accounted for it as an enterprise fund. The
closure and postclosure care costs are estimated to be $15,000,000. It is estimated that
the capacity of the landfill is 5 million tons of waste and that waste will be accepted for
10 years. During 2014, 250,000 tons of waste was accepted by the landfill. The charge
for closure and postclosure care costs for 2014 would be:
A) $ 750,000.
B) $1,500,000.
C) $ 15,000,000
D) Impossible to determine from the information given.

Answer: A

82. Which of the following is false regarding the cash flow statements of a proprietary
fund?
A) A reconciliation is required between the Statement of Revenues, Expenses, and
Changes in Fund Net Assets and the cash flows from operating activities section
of the Cash Flow Statement.
B) Interest payments are reported as increases in cash flows from either capital and
related financing or noncapital financing activities, whichever is appropriate.
C) Purchases of equipment would be reported in the investing section.
D) None of the above. – these are all true.

Answer: C

6-14
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

83. Capital assets of an enterprise fund should be reported in the:

A) Government-Wide Statement of Net Assets only.
B) Proprietary Fund Statement of Net Assets only.
C) General Fixed Asset Account Group only.
D) Government-Wide Statement of Net Assets and Proprietary Funds Statement of
Net Assets.

Answer: D

84. Which of the following is true regarding the Statement of Cash Flows required by the
GASB for proprietary funds?
A) Either the direct or indirect method may be used.
B) Interest payments would be recorded as investing activities.
C) Acquisition of capital assets with bond proceeds would be a decrease in cash
provided by capital and related financing activities.
D) Interest received on investments is reported as cash flows from operating
activities.

Answer: C

85. Which of the following is not true regarding proprietary funds?

A) Accrual accounting and the economic resource measurement focus are used.
B) Statements required are the Balance Sheet, the Statement of Revenues,
Expenditures, and Changes in Fund Balances, and the Statement of Cash Flows.
C) Long Term debt is recorded directly in the accounts.
D) Proprietary funds financial reports include the Statement of Net Assets, Statement
of Revenues, Expenses, and Changes in Fund Net Assets, and Statement of Cash
Flows.

Answer: B

86. Which of the funds listed below would include capital assets in its Statement of Net
Assets?
A) Permanent.
B) Internal Service.
C) Special Revenue.
D) None of the above; no funds in governmental accounting have capital asset
accounts.

Answer: B

6-15
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

87. Long-term liabilities of an enterprise fund should be reported in the:

Proprietary Fund Government-Wide

Statements Statements
A) No No
B) No Yes
C) Yes No
D) Yes Yes

Answer: D

88. Which of the following would generally be included in the Statement of Net Assets of
an Enterprise Fund?

Reserve for Revenue Bonds

Encumbrances Payable
A) No No
B) No Yes
C) Yes No
D) Yes Yes

Answer: B

89. How should customer deposits held for water meters that cannot be spent for operating
purposes be classified?
A) As restricted cash in an Enterprise Fund.
B) As both cash and a liability in an Agency fund.
C) As Nonspendable fund balance in a Permanent Fund.
D) Any of the above are acceptable alternatives.

Answer: A

90. Which of the following is true regarding internal service funds?

A) Internal service funds provide services primarily to external users on a user charge
basis.
B) Internal service funds normally record the annual budget in the accounts.
C) Internal service funds use full accrual accounting.
D) Internal service funds' capital assets are not accounted for in the accounts.

Answer: C

6-16
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

91. Indicate which of the following would not be an example of an internal service fund:
A) City Self-Insurance Fund
B) City Print Shop.
C) City Data Processing Service Center.
D) City Airport.

Answer: D

92. If a government decides to account for its risk management activities in a single fund, it
must use:
A) An Internal Service Fund.
B) A Fiduciary Fund
C) A Special Revenue Fund.
D) Either the General Fund or an Internal Service fund.

Answer: D

93. Capital assets of internal service funds should be reported:

A) In the internal service funds only.
B) In the government-wide statements only.
C) In both the internal service funds and the government-wide statements.
D) None of the above, they are not reported

Answer: C

94. An internal service fund provided services to a General Fund department. At the time of
billing, the debit entry in the General Fund would be:
A) Other Financing Sources-Transfers Out.
B) Expenditures.
C) Operating Revenues-Charges for Services.
D) Expenses.

Answer: B

95. Revenue bonds sold by a water utility fund, upon sale, would be recorded:
A) In an enterprise fund as “Other Financing Source.”
B) In an enterprise fund as a liability.
C) In the general long-term debt accounts as a liability.
D) In an enterprise fund as an addition to net assets.

Answer: B

6-17
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

96. Under GASB Statement 34, enterprise funds must be used in which of the following
circumstances?
A) When debt is backed solely by fees and charges.
B) When services are provided to other governmental units for a fee.
C) When the activities are expected to make a profit to be used to fund other
government programs.
D) None of the above; enterprise funds are optional.

Answer: A

97. The City of Thomasville had the following debt outstanding:

General obligation bonds to be paid from a debt service fund $3,900,000

General obligation bonds to be paid from utility revenues $3,100,000
Revenue bonds to be paid from utility revenues $2,400,000

The amount that should be shown as debt in the utility (enterprise) fund would be:
A) $2,400,000.
B) $3,100,000.
C) $5,500,000.
D) $9,400.000

Answer: C

98. Which of the following is not true regarding enterprise funds?

A) Enterprise funds record long-term debt directly in the fund accounts.
B) Enterprise funds record capital assets directly in the fund accounts.
C) Enterprise funds report a Statement of Cash Flows.
D) The difference between assets and liabilities of enterprise funds is termed “Fund
Balance.”

Answer: D

99. Which of the following is not true regarding enterprise funds?

A) Similar to commercial businesses, enterprise funds equity accounts include both
contributed capital and retained earnings.
B) A Statement of Revenues, Expenses, and Changes in Fund Net Assets would be
the primary operating statement for enterprise funds.
C) Enterprise funds' Cash Flow Statements could have up to four categories.
D) None of the above; all are true.

Answer: A

6-18
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

100. Which of the following would not be true regarding internal service funds?
A) Internal service funds use the economic resources measurement focus and accrual
basis of accounting.
B) Examples of internal service funds would include self-insurance funds, motor pool
funds, and print shop funds.
C) In the government-wide financial statements, internal service funds are most
commonly reported in the business-type activities column.
D) None of the above; all are true.

Answer: C

101. Which of the following would not be true regarding internal service funds?
A) Internal service funds use the current financial resources measurement focus and
accrual basis of accounting.
B) Examples of internal service funds would include self-insurance funds, motor pool
funds, and print shop funds.
C) In the basic financial statements, internal service funds are reported in the
proprietary funds financial statements.
D) None of the above; all are true.

Answer: A

102. In addition to a Statement of Net Assets and Statement of Revenues, Expenses and
Changes in Fund Net Assets, which of the following statements is (are) required for
proprietary funds?
A) Statement of Cash Flows.
B) Budgetary Comparison Schedule.
C) Both A and B above
D) Neither A nor B above

Answer: A

103. What is the appropriate accounting for the signing of a contract to build a new water
treatment facility by an Enterprise Fund?
A) Debit Encumbrances.
B) Credit Budgetary Fund Balance - Reserve for encumbrances.
C) No entry is required.
D) Both A & B.

Answer: C

6-19
Chapter 06 - Proprietary Funds

104. Which of the following is an example of an Internal Service Fund?

A) State Risk Management Fund
B) County Water and Sewer Utilities.
C) State Lotteries.
D) Municipal Golf Courses.

Answer: A

105. Which of the following is not an example of an Enterprise Fund?

A) Electric and Water Utilities.
B) Public Libraries.
C) Sports Stadiums.
D) All of the above are commonly reported as enterprise funds.

Answer: B

106. This fund accounts for activities that produce goods or services to be provided to other
departments or other governmental units.
A) Enterprise fund.
B) Internal Service fund.
C) Special Revenue fund.
D) Debt Service fund.

Answer: B

107. According to GASB 34, Enterprise funds must be used when:

A) Debt is backed solely by fees and charges.
B) A legal requirement exists that the cost of providing services for an activity,
including capital costs, be recovered through fees or charges.
C) A government has a policy to establish fees and charges to cover the cost of
providing services for an activity.
D) Any of the above apply.

Answer: D

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 On the whole, I am not sure that strawberries ought to be eaten
when any one is with you. There is always under such
circumstances, even though your companion be the dearest friend
you have on earth, a feeling of restraint, a consciousness that your
attention is divided, a diffidence about betraying the unfathomable
depth of your love for the fruit before you, a lurking uneasiness lest
he should eat faster than yourself, or appropriate an undue share of
the delicious cream; in short there is always, on such occasions, a
secret desire that the best friend you have in the world were at any
distant part of the globe he might happen to have a liking for. But,
oh! the bliss of solitary fruition, when there is none to interrupt you
—none to compete with you—none to express stupid amazement at
the extent of your godlike appetite, or to bring back your thoughts,
by some obtrusive remark, to the vulgar affairs of an unsubstantial
world!—Behold! the milky nectar is crimsoned by the roseate fruit!
Heavens! what a flavour! and there is not another human being near
to intrude upon the sacred intensity of your joy! Painter—poet—
philosopher—where is your beau-ideal—happiness? It is
concentrated there—and, divided into equal portions by that silver
spoon, glides gloriously down the throat! Eat, child of mortality! for
June cometh but once in the year! eat, for there is yet misery in
store for thee! eat, for thy days are numbered! eat, as if thou wert
eating immortal life!—eat, eat, though thy next mouthful terminate
in apoplexy!
My dream of strawberries hath passed away! the little red
rotundities have been gathered from the surface of the globe, and
man’s insatiate maw has devoured them all! New hopes may arise,
and new sources of pleasure may perhaps be discovered;—the
yellow gooseberry may glitter like amber beads upon the bending
branches—the ruby cherry may be plucked from the living bough,
and its sunny sides bruised into nectar by the willing teeth—the
apple, tinted with the vermillion bloom of maiden beauty, may woo
the eye, and tempt the silver knife—the golden pear melting into
lusciousness, soft as the lip, and sweet as the breath of her thou
lovest most, may win, for a time, thy heart’s idolatry—the velvet
peach, or downy apricot, may lull thee into brief forgetfulness of all
terrestrial woe—the dark-blue plum, or sunbeam coloured magnum
bonum, may waft thy soul to heaven—or, last of all, thy hot-house
grapes, purple on their bursting richness, may carry thee back to the
world’s prime, to the fawn and dryad-haunted groves of Arcady, or
lap thee in an elysium of poetry and music—but still the
remembrance of thy first love will be strong in thy heart, and,
pamper thy noble nature as thou wilt, with all the luxuries that
summer yields, never, never, will the innermost recesses of thy soul
cease to be inhabited by an immortal reminiscence of “Strawberries
and Cream!”
[Memoirs of a Bon Vivant.]

Original Size
 THE ROSE IN JANUARY.

I
had the good fortune to become acquainted, in his old age, with
the celebrated Wieland, and to be often admitted to his table. It
was there that, animated by a flask of Rhenish, he loved to
recount the anecdotes of his youth, and with a gaiety and
naivete which rendered them extremely interesting. His age—his
learning—his celebrity—no longer threw us to a distance, and we
laughed with him as joyously as he himself laughed in relating the
little adventure which I now attempt to relate. It had a chief
influence on his life, and it was that which he was fondest of
retracing, and retraced with most poignancy. I can well remember
his very words; but there are still wanting the expression of his fine
countenance—his hair white as snow, gracefully curling round his
head—his blue eyes, somewhat faded by years, yet still announcing
his genius and depth of thought; his brow touched with the lines of
reflection, but open, elevated, and of a distinguished character; his
smile full of benevolence and candour. “I was handsome enough,” he
used sometimes to say to us—and no one who looked at him could
doubt it: “but I was not amiable, for a savant rarely is,” he would
add laughingly,—and this every one doubted; so to prove it, he
recounted the little history that follows:—
“I was not quite thirty,” said he to us, “when I obtained the chair
of philosophical professor in this college, in the most flattering
manner: I need not tell you that my amour propre was gratified by a
distinction rare enough at my age. I certainly had worked for it
formerly: but at the moment it came to me, another species of
philosophy occupied me much more deeply, and I would have given
more to know what passed in one heart, than to have had power to
analyze those of all mankind. I was passionately in love; and you all
know, I hope, that when love takes possession of a young head,
adieu to every thing else; there is no room for any other thought. My
table was covered with folios of all colours, quires of paper of all
sizes, journals of all species, catalogues of books, in short, of all that
one finds on a professor’s table: but of the whole circle of science, I
had for some time studied only the article Rose, whether in the
Encyclopaedia, the botanical books, or all the gardeners’ calendars
that I could meet with. You shall learn presently what led me to this
study, and why it was that my window was always open, even
during the coldest days. All this was connected with the passion by
which I was possessed, and which was become my sole and
continual thought. I could not well say at this moment how my
lectures and courses got on; but this I know, that more than once I
have said, ‘Amelia,’ instead of ‘philosophy.’
“It was the name of my beauty—in fact, of the beauty of the
University, Mademoiselle de Belmont. Her father, a distinguished
officer, had died on the field of battle. She occupied with her mother
a large and handsome house in the street in which I lived, on the
same side, and a few doors distant. This mother, wise and prudent,
obliged by circumstances to inhabit a city filled with young students
from all parts, and having so charming a daughter, never suffered
her a moment from her sight, either in or out of doors. But the good
lady passionately loved company and cards; and to reconcile her
tastes with her duties, she carried Amelia with her to all the
assemblies of dowagers, professors’ wives, canonesses, &c. &c.,
where the poor girl ennuyed herself to death with hemming or
knitting beside her mother’s card-table. But you ought to have been
informed, that no student, indeed no man under fifty, was admitted.
I had then but little chance of conveying my sentiments to Amelia. I
am sure, however, that any other than myself would have discovered
this chance, but I was a perfect novice in gallantry; and until the
moment when I imbibed this passion from Amelia’s beautiful dark
eyes, mine, having been always fixed upon Latin, Greek, Hebrew,
Chaldaic, &c., understood nothing at all of the language of the heart.
It was at an old lady’s, to whom I was introduced, that I became
acquainted with Amelia; my destiny led me to her house on the
evening of her assembly; she received me—I saw Mademoiselle de
Belmont, and from that instant her image was engraven in lines of
fire on my heart. The mother frowned at the sight of a well-looking
young man: but my timid, grave, and perhaps somewhat pedantic
air, re-assured her. There were a few other young persons—
daughters and nieces of the lady of the mansion; it was summer—
they obtained permission to walk in the garden, under the windows
of the saloon, and the eyes of their mammas. I followed them; and,
without daring to address a word to my fair one, caught each that
fell from her lips.
“Her conversation appeared to me as charming as her person; she
spoke on different subjects with intelligence above her years. In
making some pleasant remarks on the defects of men in general,
she observed, that ‘what she most dreaded was violence of temper.’
Naturally of a calm disposition, I was wishing to boast of it; but not
having the courage, I at last entered into her idea, and said so much
against passion, that I could not well be suspected of an inclination
to it. I was recompensed by an approving smile; it emboldened me,
and I began to talk much better than I thought myself capable of
doing before so many handsome women; she appeared to listen
with pleasure; but when they came to the chapter of fashions, I had
no more to say—it was an unknown language; neither did she
appear versed in it. Then succeeded observations on the flowers in
the garden; I knew little more of this than of the fashions, but I
might likewise have my particular taste; and to decide, I waited to
learn that of Amelia: she declared for the Rose, and grew animated
in the eulogy of her chosen flower. From that moment, it became for
me the queen of flowers. ‘Amelia,’ said a pretty, little, laughing,
Espiègle, ‘how many of your favourites are condemned to death this
winter?’ ‘Not one! replied she; ‘I renounce them—their education is
too troublesome, and too ungrateful a task; and I begin to think I
know nothing about it.’
“I assumed sufficient resolution to ask the explanation of this
question and answer. She gave it to me. ‘You have just learned that
I am passionately fond of roses: it is an hereditary taste: my mother
is still fonder of them than I am; since I was able to think of any
thing, I have had the greatest wish to offer her a rose-tree in blow
(as a new year’s gift) on the first of January; I have never
succeeded. Every year I have put a quantity of rose-trees into vases;
the greater number perished; and I have never been able to offer
one rose to my mother.’ So little did I know of the culture of flowers,
as to be perfectly ignorant that it was possible to have roses in
winter; but from the moment that I understood that it might be,
without a miracle, and that incessant attention only was necessary, I
promised myself, that this year the first of January should not pass
without Amelia’s offering her mother a rose tree in blow. We
returned to the saloon—so close was I on the watch, that I heard
her ask my name in a whisper. Her companion answered, ‘I know
him only by reputation; they say he is an author; and so learned,
that he is already a professor.’ ‘I should never have guessed it,’ said
Amelia; ‘he seems neither vain nor pedantic.’ How thankful was I for
this reputation.—Next morning I went to a gardener, and ordered
fifty rose-trees, of different months, to be put in vases. ‘It must be
singular ill fortune,’ thought I, ‘if, among this number, one at least
does not flower.’ On leaving the gardener, I went to my bookseller’s
—purchased some works on flowers, and returned home full of
hope. I intended to accompany my rose-tree with a fine letter, in
which I should request to visit Madame de Belmont, in order to
teach her daughter the art of having roses in winter; the agreeable
lesson, and the charming scholar, were to me much pleasanter
themes than those of my philosophical lectures. I built on all this the
prettiest romance possible; my milk-pail had not yet got on so far as
Perrettes; she held it on her head; and my rose was not yet
transplanted into its vase; but I saw it all in blow. In the mean time,
I was happy only in imagination; I no longer saw Amelia; they
ceased to invite me to the dowager parties, and she was not allowed
to mix in those of young people. I must then be restricted, until my
introducer was in a state of presentation, to seeing her every
evening pass by with her mother, as they went to their parties.
Happily for me, Madame de Belmont was such a coward in a
carriage, that she preferred walking when it was possible. I knew
the hour at which they were in the habit of leaving home; I learned
to distinguish the sound of the bell of their gate from that of all the
others of the quarter; my window on the floor was always open; at
the moment I heard their gate unclose, I snatched up some volume,
which was often turned upside down, stationed myself at the
window, as if profoundly occupied with my study, and thus almost
every day saw for an instant the lovely girl; and this instant was
sufficient to attach me to her still more deeply. The elegant simplicity
of her dress; her rich dark hair wreathed round her head, and falling
in ringlets on her forehead; her slight and graceful figure—her step
at once light and commanding—the fairy foot, that the care of
guarding the snowy robe rendered visible, inflamed my admiration;
while her dignified and composed manner, her attention to her
mother, and the affability with which she saluted her inferiors,
touched my heart yet more. I began too, to fancy, that, limited as
were my opportunities of attracting her notice, I was not entirely
indifferent to her. For example, on leaving home, she usually crossed
to the opposite side of the street; for had she passed close to my
windows, she guessed, that, intently occupied as I chose to appear, I
could not well raise my eyes from my book; then, as she came near
my house, there was always something to say, in rather a louder
tone, as, ‘Take care mamma; lean heavier on me; do you feel cold?’
I then raised my eyes, looked at her, saluted her, and generally
encountered the transient glance of my divinity, who, with a blush,
lowered her eyes, and returned my salute. The mother, all enveloped
in cloaks, and hoods, saw nothing. I saw every thing—and
surrendered my heart. A slight circumstance augmented my hopes. I
had published ‘An Abridgement of Practical Philosophy.’ It was an
extract from my course of lectures—was successful, and the edition
was sold. My bookseller, aware that I had some copies remaining,
came to beg one for a customer of his, who was extremely anxious
to get it; and he named Mademoiselle Amelia Belmont. I actually
blushed with pleasure; to conceal my embarrassment, I laughingly
inquired, what could a girl of her age want with so serious a work?
‘To read it, sir, doubtless;’ replied the bookseller; ‘Mademoiselle
Amelia does not resemble the generality of young ladies; she prefers
useful to amusing books.’ He then mentioned the names of several
that he had lately sent to her; and gave me a high opinion of her
taste. ‘From her impatience for your book,’ added he, ‘I can answer
for it, that it will be perused with great pleasure; more than ten
messages have been sent; at last I promised it for to-morrow, and I
beg of you to enable me to keep my word.’ I thrilled with joy, as I
gave him the volumes, at the idea that Amelia would read my
sentiments, and that she would learn to know me.
“October arrived, and with it my fifty vases of rose-trees; for
which of course, they made me pay what they chose;—and I was as
delighted to count them in my room, as a miser would his sacks of
gold. They all looked rather languishing, but then it was because
they had not yet reconciled themselves to the new earth. I read all
that was ever written on the culture of roses, with much more
attention than I had formerly read my old philosophers; and I ended
as wise as I began. I perceived that this science, like all others has
no fixed rules, and that each vaunts his system, and believes it the
best. One of my gardener authors would have the rose-trees as
much as possible in the open air; another recommended their being
kept close shut up; one ordered constant watering; another
absolutely forbade it. ‘It is thus with the education of man,’ said I,
closing the volumes in vexation. ‘Always in extremes—let us try the
medium between these opposite opinions.’
“I established a good thermometer in my room; and, according to
its indications, I put them outside the windows or took them in; you
may guess that fifty vases, to which I gave this exercise three or
four times a-day, according to the variations of the atmosphere, did
not leave me much idle time; and this was the occupation of a
professor of philosophy! Ah! well might they have taken his chair
from him, and sent him back to school, a thousand times more
childish than the youngest of those pupils to whom I hurried over
the customary routine of philosophical lessons: my whole mind was
fixed on Amelia and my rose trees.
“The death of the greater number of my eleves, however, soon
lightened my labour; more than half of them never struck root I
flung them into the fire; a fourth part of those that remained, after
unfolding some little leaves, stopped there. Several assumed a
blackish yellow tint, and gave me hopes of beautifying; some
flourished surprisingly, but only in leaves; others, to my great joy,
were covered with buds; but in a few days they always got that little
yellow circle which gardeners call the collar, and which is to them a
mortal malady—their stalks twisted—they drooped—and finally fell,
one after the other, to the earth—not a single bud remaining on my
poor trees. This withered my hopes; and the more care I took of my
invalids—the more I hawked them from window to window, the
worse they grew. At last one of them, and but one, promised to
reward my trouble—thickly covered with leaves, it formed a
handsome bush, from the middle of which sprung out a fine
vigorous branch, crowned with six beautiful buds that got no collar—
grew, enlarged, and even discovered, through their calices, a slight
rose tint. There were still six long weeks before the new year; and
certainly four, at least, of my precious buds would be blown by that
time. Behold me now recompensed for all my pains: hope re-entered
my heart, and every moment I looked on my beauteous introducer
with complacency.
“On the 27th of November, a day, which I can never forget, the
sun rose in all its brilliance; I thanked Heaven, and hastened to
place my rose-tree, and such of its companions as yet survived, on a
peristyle in the court. (I have already mentioned that I lodged on the
ground floor.) I watered them, and went, as usual, to give my
philosophical lecture. I then dined—drank to the health of my rose—
and returned to take my station in my window, with a quicker
throbbing of the heart.
“Amelia’s mother had been slightly indisposed; for eight days she
had not left the house, and consequently I had not seen my fair one.
On the first morning I had observed the physician going in; uneasy
for her, I contrived to cross his way, questioned him, and was
comforted. I afterwards learned that the old lady had recovered, and
was to make her appearance abroad on this day at a grand gala
given by a baroness, who lived at the end of the street. I was then
certain to see Amelia pass by, and eight days of privation had
enhanced that thought; I am sure Madame de Belmont did not look
to this party with as much impatience as I did. She was always one
of the first: it had scarcely struck five, when I heard the bell of her
gate. I took up a book—there I was at my post—and presently I saw
Amelia appear, dazzling with dress and beauty as she gave her arm
to her mother: never yet had the brilliancy of her figure so struck
me; this time there was no occasion for her to speak to catch my
eyes; they were fixed on her, but her’s were bent down; however,
she guessed that I was there, for she passed slowly to prolong my
happiness. I followed her with my gaze, until she entered the house;
there only she turned her head for a second; the door was shut, and
she disappeared; but remained present to my heart. I could neither
close my window, nor cease to look at the baroness’s hotel, as if I
could see Amelia through the walls; I remained there till all objects
were fading into obscurity—the approach of night, and the frostiness
of the air, brought to my recollection that the rose-tree was still on
the peristyle: never had it been so precious to me; I hastened to it;
and scarcely was I in the anti-chamber, when I heard a singular
noise, like that of an animal browsing, and tinkling its bells. I
trembled, I flew, and I had the grief to find a sheep quietly fixed
beside my rose-trees, of which it was making its evening repast with
no small avidity.
“I caught up the first thing in my way; it was a heavy cane: I
wished to drive away the gluttonous beast; alas! it was too late; he
had just bitten off the beautiful branch of buds; he swallowed them
one after another; and in spite of the gloom, I could see, half out of
his mouth, the finest of them all, which in a moment was champed
like the rest. I was neither ill-tempered, nor violent; but at this sight
I was no longer master of myself. Without well knowing what I did, I
discharged a blow of my cane on the animal, and stretched it at my
feet.
 Original Size

N
o sooner did I perceive it motionless than I repented of
having killed a creature unconscious of the mischief it had
done. Was this worthy of the professor of philosophy, the
adorer of the gentle Amelia? But thus to eat up my rose-tree,
my only hope to get admittance to her! When I thought on its
annihilation, I could not consider myself so culpable. However, the
night darkened; I heard the old servant crossing the lower passage,
and I called her. ‘Catherine,’ said I, ‘bring your light, there is mischief
here; you left the stable doon open (that of the court was also
unclosed), one of your sheep has been browsing on my rose-trees,
and I have punished it.’
“She soon came with a lanthorn in her hand. It is not one of our
sheep,’ said she; ‘I have just come from them; the stable gate is
shut, and they are all within. O, blessed saints! blessed saints! What
do I see’—exclaimed she, when near, ‘it is the pet sheep of our
neighbour Mademoiselle de Belmont. Poor Robin! what bad luck
brought you here! O! how sorry she will be.’ I nearly dropped down
beside Robin.
“‘Of Mademoiselle Amelia!’ said I in a trembling voice; ‘has she
actually a sheep?’ ‘O! good Lord! no; she has none at this moment—
but that which lies there, with its four legs up in the air: she loved it
as herself; see the collar that she worked for it with her own hands.’
I bent to look at it. It was of red leather, ornamented with little bells,
and she had embroidered on it, in gold thread—‘Robin belongs to
Amelia de Belmont; she loves him, and begs that he may be
restored to her.’ ‘What will she think of the barbarian who killed him
in a fit of passion—the vice that she most detests; she is right, it has
been fatal to her; yet if he should be only stunned by a blow;
Catherine, run, ask for some aether, or Eau de Vie, or hartshorn,—
run, Catherine, run!’
“Catherine set off; I tried to make it open its mouth,—my rose-
bud was still between its hermetically-sealed teeth; perhaps the
collar pressed it: in fact the throat was swelled. I got it off with
difficulty; something fell from it at my feet, which I mechanically
took up and put into my pocket without looking at, so much was I
absorbed in anxiety for the resuscitation. I rubbed him with all my
strength; I grew more and more impatient for the return of
Catherine. She came with a small new phial in her hand, calling out
in her usual manner, ‘Here, sir, here’s the medicine. I never opened
my mouth about it to Mademoiselle Amelia; I pity her enough
without that.’
“‘What is all this Catherine? where have you seen Mademoiselle
Amelia? and what is her affliction, if she does not know of her
favourite’s death?’ ‘O, sir, this is a terrible day for the poor young
lady. She was at the end of the street searching for a ring which she
had lost; and it was no trifle, but the ring that her dead father had
got as a present from the Emperor, and worth, they say, more
ducats than I have hairs on my head. Her mother lent it to her to
day for the party; she has lost it, she knows neither how nor where,
and never missed it till she drew off her glove at supper. And, poor
soul! the glove was on again in a minute, for fear it should be seen
that the ring was wanting, and she slipped out to search for it along
the street, but has found nothing.’
“It struck me that the substance that had fallen from the sheep’s
collar had the form of a ring—could it possibly be!—I looked at it;
and judge of my joy!—it was Madame de Belmont’s ring, and really
very beautiful and costly. A secret presentiment whispered to me
that this was a better means of presentation than the rose-tree. I
pressed the precious ring to my heart, and to my lips; assured
myself that the sheep was really dead; and leaving him stretched
near the devastated rose-trees, I ran into the street, dismissed those
who were seeking in vain, and stationed myself at my door to await
the return of my neighbours. I saw from a distance the flambeau
that preceded them, quickly distinguished their voices, and
comprehended by them, that Amelia had confessed her misfortune.
The mother scolded bitterly; the daughter wept, and said, ‘Perhaps it
may be found.’ ‘O yes, perhaps,’—replied the mother with irritation,
‘it is too rich a prize to him that finds it; the emperor gave it to your
deceased father, on the field, when he saved his life; he set more
value on it than on all he possessed besides, and now you have thus
flung it away; but the fault is mine for having trusted you with it. For
some time back you have seemed quite bewildered.’ I heard all this
as I followed at some paces behind them; they reached home; and I
had the cruelty to prolong, for some moments more, Amelia’s
mortification.—I intended that the treasure should procure me the
entrée of their dwelling, and I waited till they had got up stairs. I
then had myself announced as the bearer of good news; I was
introduced, and respectfully presented the ring to Madame de
Belmont: and how delighted seemed Amelia! and how beautifully
she brightened in her joy, not alone that the ring was found, but that
I was the finder. She cast herself on her mother’s bosom, and
turning on me her eyes, humid with tears, though beaming with
pleasure, she clasped her hands, exclaiming, ‘O, sir, what obligation,
what gratitude do we owe to you!’
 “‘Ah, Mademoiselle!’ returned I, ‘you know not to whom you
address the term gratitude.’ ‘To one who has conferred on me a
great pleasure,’ said she.’ ‘To one who has caused you a serious pain
—to the killer of Robin.’
“‘You, sir?—I cannot credit it—why should you do so? you are not
so cruel.’
“‘No, but I am so unfortunate. It was in opening his collar, which I
have also brought to you, that your ring fell on the ground—you
promised a great recompence to him who should find it. I dare to
solicit that recompence; grant me my pardon for Robin’s death.’
“‘And I, sir, I thank you for it,’ exclaimed the mother. ‘I never could
endure that animal; it took up Amelia’s entire time, and wearied me
out of all patience with its bleating. If you had not killed it, Heaven
knows where it might have carried my diamond. But how did it get
entangled in the collar? Amelia, pray explain all this.’
“Amelia’s heart was agitated; she was as much grieved that it was
I who had killed Robin, as that he was dead.—‘Poor Robin,’ said she,
drying a tear, ‘he was rather too fond of running out; before leaving
home, I had put on his collar that he might not be lost—he had
always been brought back to me. The ring must have slipped under
his collar. I hastily drew on my glove, and never missed it till I was
at supper.
“‘What good luck it was that he went straight to this gentleman’s,’
observed the mother.
“‘Yes—for you,’ said Amelia; ‘he was cruelly received—was it such
a crime, sir, to enter your door?’
“‘It was night,’ I replied; ‘I could not distinguish the collar, and I
learned, when too late, that the animal belonged to you.’ “‘Thank
Heaven, then, you did not know it!’ cried the mother, or where would
have been my ring?’
“‘It is necessary at least,’ said Amelia, with emotion, ‘that I should
know how my favourite could have so cruelly chagrined you.’
“‘O Mademoiselle, he had devoured my hope, my happiness, a
superb rose-tree about to blow, that I had been long watching, and
intended to present to—to—a person on New-Year’s-Day.’ Amelia
smiled, blushed, extended her lovely hand towards me, and
murmured,—‘All is pardoned.’ ‘If it had eaten up a rose-tree about to
blow,’ cried Madame de Belmont, ‘it deserved a thousand deaths. I
would give twenty sheep for a rose-tree in blow.’ ‘And I am much
mistaken,’ said Amelia, with the sweetest naïveté, ‘if this very rose-
tree was not intended for you.’ ‘For me! you have lost your senses
child; I have not the honour of knowing the gentleman.’ ‘But he
knows your fondness for roses; I mentioned it one day before him,
the only time I ever met him, at Madame de S.‘s. Is it not true, sir,
that my unfortunate favourite had eaten up my mother’s rose-tree?’
I acknowledged it, and I related the course of education of my fifty
rose-trees.
“Madame de Belmont laughed heartily, and said, ‘she owed me a
double obligation.’ Mademoiselle Amelia has given me my
recompence for the diamond,’ said I to her;—‘I claim yours also,
madame.’ ‘Ask, sir—’ ‘Permission to pay my respects sometimes to
you!’ ‘Granted,’ replied she, gaily. I kissed her hand respectfully, that
of her daughter tenderly, and withdrew. But I returned the next day
—and every day—I was received with a kindness that each visit
increased,—I was looked on as one of the family. It was I who now
gave my arm to Madame de Belmont to conduct her to the evening
parties; she presented me as her friend, and they were no longer
dull to her daughter. New-Year’s-Day arrived. I had gone the evening
before to a sheepfold in the vicinity to purchase a lamb similar to
that I had killed. I collected from the different hot-houses all the
flowering rose-trees I could find; the finest of them was for Madame
de Belmont; and the roses of the others were wreathed in a garland
round the fleecy neck of the lamb. In the evening I went to my
neighbours, with my presents. ‘Robin and the rose-tree are restored
to life,’ said I, in offering my homage, which was received with
sensibility and gratefulness. ‘I also should like to give you a New-
Year’s-gift,’ said Madame de Belmont to me, ‘if I but knew what you
would best like.’ ‘What I best like—ah! if I only dared to tell you.’ ‘If
it should chance now to be my daughter—.’ I fell at her feet, and so
did Amelia. ‘Well,’ said the kind parent, ‘there then is your New-
Year’s-gift ready found; Amelia gives you her heart, and I give you
her hand.’ She took the rose wreath from off the lamb, and twined it
round our united hands. ‘And my Amelia,’ continued the old
professor, as he finished his anecdote, passing an arm round his
companion as she sat beside him, ‘My Amelia is still to my eyes as
beautiful, and to my heart as dear, as on the day when our hands
were bound together with a chain of flowers.’”

[FROM THE GERMAN.]

Original Size
 THE MARCH OF MIND.

M
r. Job Spimkins, grocer and vestryman of Crutched-Friars,
was a stout, easy, good-natured, middle-aged gentleman,
who—to adopt a mercantile phrase—was “well to do in the
world,” and had long borne an exemplary character
throughout his ward for sobriety, punctuality, civility, and all those
homely but well-wearing qualities which we are apt to associate with
trade. Punctuality, however, was the one leading feature of his mind,
which he carried to so extravagant a height, that having formed a
scale of moral duties, he had placed it in the very front rank, side by
side with honesty—or the art of driving a good bargain—and just
two above temperance, soberness and chastity. Even in his social
hours, this peculiar trait of character decided his predilections; for,
notwithstanding he was much given to keeping up feasts and
holidays, and had a high respect for Michaelmas-Day, Christmas-Day,
Twelfth-Day, New-Year’s-Day, &c., yet he always expressed an
indifferent opinion of Easter, because, like an Irishman’s pay-day, it
was seldom or never punctual. Next to this engrossing hobby was
our citizen’s abhorrence of poetry, an abhorrence which he extended
with considerate impartiality to every branch of literature.
But Dr. Franklin’s works formed an exception. He pronounced his
commercial maxims to be the chefs-d’oeuvre of genius, and used to
set them as large text-copies for his son, when he and the school-bill
came home together for the holidays from Dr. Thickskull’s academy
at Camberwell. But poetry—our prosaic citizen could not for the life
of him abide it. The only good thing, he used to say, he ever, yet
saw in verse, was the Rule of Three; and the only rhymes that had
the slightest reason to recommend them, were “Thirty days hath
September.”
To these opinions Mrs. Spimkins, like a dutiful wife, never failed to
respond, “Amen.” In person, this good lady was short and stoutly
timbered, with a face on which lay the full sunshine of prosperity, in
one broad, unvaried grin. Three children were her’s: three “dear,
delightful children,” as their grandmother by the father’s side never
failed to declare, when punctually, every New-Year’s-Day, she
presented them each with a five-shilling-piece, wrapt up in gilt-
edged note-paper. Thomas, the eldest, was a slim, sickly youth;
easy, conceited, and eighteen: Martha, the second, was a maiden of
more sensibility than beauty: while Sophy, the youngest and
sprightliest, to a considerable portion of the maternal simper and the
paternal circumference, added a fine expanse of foot, which
spreading out semi-circularly, like a lady’s fan, at the toes, gave a
peculiar weight and safety to her tread.
The habits of this amiable family were to the full as unassuming as
their manners. They dined at one o’clock, with the exception of
Sundays, when the discussion of roast, or boiled, was, for fashion’s
sake, adjourned to five; took tea at six; supped at nine; and retired
to rest at ten. The Sabbath, however, was a day not less of fashion
than of luxury. The young folks—Thomas, especially, who was
growing, and wanted nourishment—were then indulged with two
glasses of port wine after dinner; and, at tea-time, were made
happy in the privilege of a “blow out” with one or more friendly
neighbours. Once every year they went half-price to the Christmas
pantomimes, a memorable epoch, which never failed to deprive
them of sleep, and disorganize their nervous system for at least a
fortnight beforehand. Such were the habits of the Spimkins’ family, a
family rich, respectable, and orderly, until the March of Mind, which
our modern philosophers are striving so hard to expedite, reduced
them from wealth to poverty; and, from having been the pride,
compelled them to become the pity of Crutched-Friars.
Every one must remember the strange, bewildering enthusiasm
excited by Sir Walter Scott’s first appearance as a novelist. All the
world was Scott-struck. His songs were set to music; fair hands
painted fire-screens from his incidents; playwrights dramatized his
heroes; and even the great Mr. Alderman Dobbs himself was so
enraptured with his descriptions of Highland scenery, that he actually
took an inside place in the Inverness mail, in order, as he shrewdly
remarked, “to judge for himself with his own eyes”—a feat which he
would infallibly have accomplished, but for two reasons; first, that
the coach passed the most picturesque part of the Highlands in the
night-time; secondly that the worthy alderman himself fell fast
asleep during the best part of his journey. He returned home,
however, as might have been expected, in ecstacies.
Among the number of those who caught this poetic influenza in its
most alarming form, were the two Misses Spinks, daughters of Mr.
Common-Council Spinks, once a mighty man on’ Change, but who
had lately retired from business to enjoy life, alternately at his town
house in Crutched-Friars, and his charming summer villa at
Newington Butts, near the Montpellier Tea Gardens. As these young
ladies lived next door to Mr. Spimkins, and cultivated the gentilities
of society—a little neutralized, perhaps, by the circumstance of their
indulging in certain pleonastic peculiarities of aspiration, by virtue of
which the substantive “air” would be accommodated with an h, and
the adverb “very” be transformed into a wherry—it may reasonably
be inferred that they were much looked up to by their neighbours.
The Misses Spimkins, in particular, took pattern by them in all things.
They were the standards by which, in secret, they regulated their
demeanor—the mirror in which they longed to see themselves at
full-length reflected.
Things were in this state, when one morning Miss Spinks, a young
lady of a grave and intellectual cast of mind, with a face broad at the
forehead and peaked at the chin, like a kite, called at the Spimkinses
for the purpose of inquiring the character of a servant maid. The
Spimkinses were delighted by such condescension. Miss Spinks was
such a charming young woman! such a dear creature!—so well-bred,
so well-dressed, and, above all, so well-informed! Such, for at least a
month afterwards, was the hourly topic of conversation at the
grocer’s table: it came up with the breakfast tray, it helped to digest
the dinner, it served as a night-cap after supper, until at length old
Spimkins, in consideration of his neighbour’s importance, was
prevailed on to depart so far from his homely notions of household
economy, as to allow his wife and children to return Miss Spinks’
visit. In due time, both parties, as a matter of course, became
intimate; but as literature was all the rage at the common
councilman’s, the Misses Spimkins were for a time at fault, until a
seasonable supply of novels, procured secretly from a fashionable
publisher in the Minories, enabled them to converse on a more equal
footing.
It was just about this period, that the Third Series of the Tales of
My Landlord appeared. The Spinkses, who had heard from Alderman
Dobbs that the descriptions were “uncommon like natur,” of course
read it; so of necessity did the Spimkinses; and, as Miss Spinks kept
an album, it came to pass that she one day commissioned Thomas
Spimkins to copy into it a few of the most notable passages. On
what slight circumstances do the leading events of life depend! The
youth, delighted with his task, ventured, after concluding it, to
interpolate some stanzas of his own; Miss Spinks inquired who was
the author; when Tom, blushing, like Mrs. Malaprop, “confessed the
soft impeachment,” was instantly pronounced a genius, and as such
introduced by the Spinkses to all their high acquaintances.
Genius! What a fatal talisman exists in that portentous word! How
many industrious families has it led astray! How much common-
sense has it shipwrecked! How many prospects, once bright and
imposing, has it utterly, incurably blighted!
Astonished at her son’s promise, dazzled by the hopes of his
preferment, all Mrs. Spimkins’s usual good sense forsook her. The
wisdom of the world was lost in the feelings of the mother. She gave
play at once to the most ambitious expectations, and resolved
henceforth not to let an hour escape without striving to inoculate her
husband. With this view, she called every possible resource to her
aid. She appealed to his affection as a father, to his pride as a man;
she pointed out the injustice, not to say the inhumanity, of thwarting
the genius of Thomas; she talked of his wealth, his deserts, his
dignities; and, finally, by some miracle, for which I have never yet
been able to account, persuaded the old gentleman to relax so
liberally in his anti-poetic notions, as to despatch Thomas to Oxford,
where he would infallibly have gained the prize poem, had it not, by
some unaccountable mistake, been transferred to another.
It is from this period that the historian of the Spimkinses must
date their decline and fall. Thomas returned home in due time from
the university, a finished genius, but as poor as such geniuses are
apt to be; while his father, who now began to repent having sent
him there, proposed buying him a share in a grocer’s shop at
Whitechapel. But the gifted youth disdained such base employment.
He had a soul above figs! What! Thomas Spimkins, Esq., of Brazen
Nose, author of a poem which was within an inch of gaining the
Chancellor’s prize, stand behind the counter in a white apron,
answering the demands of some uneducated customer for “a quarter
of a pound of moist sugar, and change for sixpence!” Impossible! the
idea was revolting to humanity!
Nevertheless, something must be done: one cannot live upon
gentility, even though certificated at Oxford. Old Spimkins was
precisely of this way of thinking; so, as a next resource, proposed
articling his son to an attorney. But here again a difficulty presented
itself. The business of a solicitor requires, it is well known, the
impudence of a Yorkshire postboy, whereas Thomas was diffidence
itself. Law, then, was out of the question; the church presented
equal impediments; the navy, though respectable, was
inappropriate; the army ruinously expensive. In this exigence,
nothing remained but literature; to which, after many an urgent,
impassioned, but fruitless remonstrance from his father, the young
man finally resolved to addict himself. Meanwhile, his kind patrons,
the Spinkses, thinking, naturally enough, that genius should
vegetate among congenial scenery, took him on a visit to their villa
at Newington Butts, where, in a romantic summer-house, built up of
red bricks and oyster-shells, he gave vent to some of the sweetest
stanzas imaginable. One of these, inspired by that poetic ceremony,
the Lord Mayor’s Show, fell accidentally into the hands of his lordship
himself, who pronounced the author to be “a clever fellow, and one
as knew what’s what.” This opinion, delivered in public by so great a
judge, soon made the round of Crutched-Friars; so that, whenever
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