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1. Write the comparison below as a ratio in simplest form using a fraction, a colon (:), and
the word to.
45 dollars to 72 dollars
A) 5
5:8 5 to 8
8
B) 8
8:5 8 to 5
5
C) 45
45 : 72 45 to 72
72
D) 5
5 : 72 5 to 72
72
E) 72
72 : 45 72 to 45
45

2. Write the comparison below as a ratio in simplest form using a fraction, a colon (:), and
the word to.
15 ounces to 6 ounces
A) 15
15 : 6 15 to 6
6
B) 2
2:5 2 to 5
5
C) 6
6 : 15 6 to 15
15
D) 5
5:2 5 to 2
2
E) 5
5:6 5 to 6
6

Page 1
3. Write the following comparison as a ratio in simplest form using a fraction, a colon (:),
and the word to.
84 yards to 36 yards
A) 84
84 : 36 84 to 36
36
B) 7
7:3 7 to 3
3
C) 36
36 : 84 36 to 84
84
D) 18
18 : 42 18 to 42
42
E) 3
3:7 3 to 7
7

4. Land acreage with an original value of $50,000 increases in value to $70,000 in 7 years.
a. Find the increase in the value of the land.
b. What is the ratio of the increase in value to the original value of the land?
A) 5
a) $20,000; b)
2
B) 2
a) $120,000; b)
5
C) 2
a) $20,000; b)
5
D) 5
a) $120,000; b)
2
E) 1
a) $20,000; b)
5

Page 2
5. The price of diesel fuel jumped from $2.70 to $3.51 in 1 year.
a. What is the increase in the price of diesel fuel?
b. What is the ratio of the increase in price to the original price?
A) 3
a) $6.21; b)
10
B) 3
a) $0.81; b)
10
C) 10
a) $0.81; b)
3
D) 10
a) $6.21; b)
3
E) 3
a) $0.81; b)
20

6. Write the phrase as a rate in simplest form.

$30 for 4 pieces
A) 4 pieces
$30
B) $2
15 pieces
C) $30
8 pieces
D) $15
2 pieces
E) $30
4 pieces

7. Write the phrase as a rate in simplest form.

392 miles on 18 gallons
A) 392 gallons
18 miles
B) 196 miles
9 gallons
C) 196 gallons
9 miles
D) 196 miles
18 gallons
E) 392 miles
18 gallons

Page 3
 8. Write the phrase as a rate in simplest form.
138 inches in 9 minutes
A) 46 inches
3 minutes
B) 138 inches
3 minutes
C) 3 minutes
46 inches
D) 138 inches
9 minutes
E) 138 minutes
9 inches

9. Write the phrase as a unit rate.

72 feet in 6 minutes
A) 72 feet
minute
B) 12 minutes
foot
C) 12 feet
minute
D) 6 minutes
foot
E) 12 feet

10. Write the phrase as a unit rate.

$8250 earned in 10 weeks
A) $8250
10 weeks
B) $8250
week
C) $825
10 weeks
D) $825
week
E) $8250
2

Page 4
11. Write the phrase as a unit rate.
$30 earned in 3 hours
A) 10 hours
dollar
B) 30 dollars
3 hours
C) 10 dollars
hour
D) 1 dollar
10 hours
E) 90 dollars
hour

12. Write the phrase as a unit rate.

703.04 miles in 13 hours
A) 703.04 miles
hour
B) 54.08 hours
mile
C) 54.08 miles
13 hours
D) 54.08 miles
hour
E) 703.04 miles
13 hours

13. Write the phrase as a unit rate.

455 miles on 13 gallons
A) 35 gallons
mile
B) 35 miles
gallon
C) 455 miles
13 gallons
D) 455 miles
gallon
E) 35 miles
13 gallons

Page 5
14. Write the phrase as a unit rate.
$374.55 for 227 ounces
A) $374.55
ounce
B) $1.65
227 ounces
C) $374.55
227 ounces
D) $1.65
ounce
E) $227
ounce

15. Determine whether the proportion is true or false.

2 10
=
9 45
A) True
B) False

16. Determine whether the proportion is true or false.

5 17
=
4 14
A) True
B) False

17. Determine whether the proportion is true or false.

11 miles 44 miles
=
10 quarts 40 quarts
A) True
B) False

18. Determine whether the proportion is true or false.

5 miles 7 miles
=
45 hours 53 hours
A) True
B) False

Page 6
19. Determine whether the proportion is true or false.
12 minutes 9 minutes
=
4 cents 3 cents
A) True
B) False

20. Determine whether the proportion is true or false.

33 rolls 45 rolls
=
18 yards 24 yards
A) True
B) False

21. Determine whether the proportion is true or false.

15 miles 20 miles
=
33 minutes 44 minutes
A) True
B) False

22. Solve.
n 15
=
22 55
A) 38
B) 15
C) 6
D) 1.5
E) 3

23. Solve.
4 n
=
12 15
A) 4
B) 0.5
C) 3
D) 5
E) 2.5

Page 7
24. Solve.
20 16
=
15 n
A) 1.5
B) 12
C) 19
D) 15
E) 240

25. Solve.
20 30
=
n 27
A) 540
B) 4.5
C) 27
D) 18
E) 600

26. Solve. Round to the nearest hundredth.

29 15
=
n 14
A) 15.00
B) 1.07
C) 2.07
D) 7.24
E) 27.07

27. Solve. Round to the nearest hundredth.

4 10
=
5 n
A) 12.50
B) 2.00
C) 50.00
D) 0.20
E) 20.00

Page 8
28. Solve. Round to the nearest hundredth.
n 8
=
18 7
A) 1.14
B) 3.11
C) 0.44
D) 20.57
E) 144.00

29. Solve. Round to the nearest hundredth.

5.4 n
=
5.9 22
A) 1.45
B) 20.14
C) 0.92
D) 5.90
E) 0.25

30. In his truck, Robert can drive 67.5 miles on 2 gallons of gas. Find the distance that
Robert's truck can travel on 15 gallons of gas. Round to the nearest hundredth.
A) 67.94 miles
B) 9.00 miles
C) 506.25 miles
D) 512.25 miles
E) 135.00 miles

31. For landscape maintenance, Gretchen Green uses 3 pounds of fertilizer for every 150
square feet of lawn. At this rate, how many pounds of fertilizer did she use on a lawn
that measures 4350 square feet? Round to the nearest whole number.
A) 153 lb
B) 150 lb
C) 92 lb
D) 87 lb
E) 450 lb

Page 9
32. A newspaper survey showed that 3 out of every 4 eligible voters did vote in the town
election. At this rate, how many people in a town of 400,000 eligible voters voted in the
election?
A) 533,333
B) 100,000
C) 290,000
D) 300,000
E) 399,996

33. Samantha can buy $10,000 of life insurance for $34.84 per month. At this rate, what is
the monthly cost of $20,000 of life insurance?
A) $17.42
B) $69.68
C) $74.68
D) $574.05
E) $36.84

34. Micah owns 352 shares of stock in his sister's company. The company declares a stock
split of 6 shares for every 4 owned. How many shares of stock will Micah own after the
stock split?
A) 1408
B) 528
C) 533
D) 235
E) 24

Page 10
Answer Key
1. A
2. D
3. B
4. C
5. B
6. D
7. B
8. A
9. C
10. D
11. C
12. D
13. B
14. D
15. A
16. B
17. A
18. B
19. A
20. B
21. A
22. C
23. D
24. B
25. D
26. E
27. A
28. D
29. B
30. C
31. D
32. D
33. B
34. B

Page 11
Other documents randomly have
different content
The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Mania of
the Nations on the Planet Mars and its Terrific
Consequences
This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States
and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no
restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it
under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this
ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the
United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where
you are located before using this eBook.

Title: The Mania of the Nations on the Planet Mars and its Terrific
Consequences

Author: James Howard Calisch

Release date: January 27, 2018 [eBook #56445]

Language: English

Credits: Produced by MFR, David E. Brown, and the Online

Distributed
Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
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Internet Archive)

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MANIA OF

THE NATIONS ON THE PLANET MARS AND ITS TERRIFIC
CONSEQUENCES ***
 The
Mania of the Nations
on the Planet Mars
and its Terrific Consequences

A Combination of Fun and Wisdom

by
A. CALMADENKER

Published in the Year 55 E.D. on Mars

(1915 A.D. on Earth)
By THE DENKER PUBLISHERS, Inc.
30 CHURCH STREET, NEW YORK
 Copyright, 1915
by THE DENKER PUBLISHERS, Inc.
 THE MANIA OF THE NATIONS
ON THE PLANET MARS

M ANY millions of centuries ago, when the celestial globe on which

we live and struggle started to emerge from the hot-air habit
and commenced to cool down and come to its senses, a huge mass
of syrup-like material sagged down toward the lower end of the
cooling ball and, upon further cooling, formed a high promontory at
what we to-day call the South Pole. As a consequence we now find
there a plateau of an elevation far exceeding in height the highest
mountains found elsewhere on our venerable globe.
You may imagine if you can how cold it must be there. The North
Pole is supposed to be cool enough for anybody who hates to go to
sleep in an overheated bedroom; but it has been shown to be a
depression in the earth’s crust filled with ice, and it therefore does
not mount far above sea level, while the South Pole, aside from
lacking the sun’s comforting perpendicular rays, reaches besides so
high up in the atmospheric layers as to preclude all possibility of the
prevalence of hot birds. Cold bottles are about the only means of
enjoyment which the tourists, thirsting for amusement, find there at
their disposal.
Professor FANSEE of the Dreemo University was a courageous man.
He may have been afflicted with a creepy feeling in the still,
mysterious shadows of the night; he may have had a constant fear
of spooks and all sorts of ferocious beasts; he may have stood in
perpetual awe of his innocent-looking wife; but it must be said to his
everlasting glory that he was not at all afraid of the cold. It is being
whispered that after many years of married life his affectionate
spouse had at last succeeded in more or less accustoming him to
frigidity.
Professor FANSEE, moreover, was an expert in astronomy, chemistry
and electricity. With a smile of derision he had watched for years the
futile efforts on the part of certain scientists to communicate with
the planet Mars. Long ago an idea had ripened in his fertile brain
that he knew would ultimately lead to the desired end. The highest
plateau on earth having been shown to be located at the South Pole,
he decided to direct his Zee-rays from this cool and calm
promontory. For this purpose he caused an enormous hollow globe
to be built of non-conducting material, so arranged that the inner
chambers would retain an upright position while the ball would be
merrily rolling along. By means of powerful storage batteries within
this potent structure the apparatus was made self-propelling. With
this rolling vehicle at his beck and call, he needed no ships to cross
the Antarctic ocean, no derricks to hoist his globular observatory to
the highest peak; and without notifying the press, unostentatiously
as befits a serious-minded scientist, he arrived one fine morning at
the highest point of that celestial conveyance which we call the
earth.
From this elevation he industriously worked his ingenious device. For
six months he shot his Zee-rays day and night at the unsuspecting
Martians. For six months his endeavors seemed utterly fruitless.
Then, of a sudden, in the middle of the night, a faint wail was heard
in the Professor’s receiving apparatus; a manifestation of the first
indication that his brain-child had actually come into healthful being.
For two weeks, at intervals of twenty minutes, Professor FANSEE
cautiously manipulated his quivering wires. Then, at last, to his
unbounded joy and satisfaction, the first communication from Mars
became intelligible. From that moment on, it took but a few days to
come to an understanding with the mystic inhabitants of our misty
neighbor; and an interesting narrative was thus obtained of
conditions prevailing on the presumably canal-infested planet.
Professor FANSEE unfortunately breathed his last before returning to
his native land. But I had had the honor of acting as his assistant
and confidant. And although to my keen disappointment the globe in
which we traveled was wrecked on the rocks while making a landing
on the shores of New Zealand, I had the good fortune of safely
swimming ashore and of saving the papers containing the interesting
revelations. So, with due credit to Professor FANSEE, and with fond
recollections of his erudite personality, I believe myself justified in
revealing the Martian episode to my terrestrial fellowmen.
The marked similarity with events on our own celestial empire may
strike my readers as a singular coincidence. But according to
prehistoric astrologers, all events are controlled by the position of
the stars. And, if they do control the course of events on our earth,
it seems but natural that they should similarly affect some of the
other members of our solar system.
First of all, as Professor FANSEE had always been profoundly
interested in questions of religion, and as his first inquiries
consequently dealt with this highly important subject, it should be
stated that for eighteen centuries and a half the ruling religion on
the planet Mars had been the religion of NAZARRO. Nazarro was a God
who, according to the Martians, materialized in human form on the
planet Mars. This God preached a gospel of peace, of the curbing of
passions, and of equal division of wealth. So the Roamani and the
Heebrons, among whom he dwelt, sought to punish His
revolutionary agitations by hanging Him on the gallows. Thus the
sign of the gallows became a sign of sanctity revered by NAZARRO’S
followers, and the emblem of a new faith. The members of the
religious sect so created and which for fifteen centuries continued to
grow in power were known as the Nazarranos.
About the end of the fifteenth century E.N. (the Era of NAZARRO) the
trend of civilization commenced to take a somewhat different
direction. If the Nazarranos had limited themselves to spreading the
precepts of NAZARRO unchanged, our Martian informer thought, all of
the inhabitants of Mars would unswervingly have recognized their
excellence. But only a few among the Martians were mentally as
lofty as had been the Great Nazarrano Teacher. Consequently, when
the Nazarranos organized a Nazarrano corporation under the
personal direction of certain lower and higher functionaries, these
functionaries, supposedly for the honor of NAZARRO, often resorted to
methods of which NAZARRO Himself would never have approved. The
unavoidable result was that certain Martians seriously began to
doubt the superiority of the whole Nazarrano faith.
Meanwhile, from remote antiquity down to this interesting era, the
minds of the Martians had gradually developed to ever greater
efficiency; and it so happened that at this time they commenced to
investigate the phenomena of Nature far more systematically than
they had ever done before. In connection with the Nazarrano faith a
mystic story had been preached of the creation of the Universe,
gathered from the Heebron manuscripts, and which made the
Martians believe that Mars was a flat slice of land floating on water,
around which the remainder of the Universe majestically rotated. So
when a Martian by the name of GALELIAH discovered that Mars was a
globe, and that Mars rotated round the Sun, and not the Sun around
Mars, the Nazarrano corporation officials strenuously objected, for
they saw in his suggestion the first signs of disbelief.
Notwithstanding the opposition of the Nazarrano officials, various
sciences began to develop in other directions, until the Nazarranos
were forced, little by little, to change their views of creation. In
every instance the Nazarrano dignitaries registered their objections
in vain with greater or lesser vehemence. At last, in the year 1859
E.N., a new prophet arose, bearing the euphonic name of DARVINO. In
the country of the Frank-Aulians, otherwise known as the Fringe, a
book had previously been published by LAMARCKEESO, suggesting that
the development of the Universe was due to a process of evolution;
and the intrepid DARVINO rigged a ship to search for proofs, and
published these proofs convincingly in the said memorable year 1859
E.N.
From that time on, a new faith began to conquer the minds of the
Martians. To a numerous group of scientists the year 1861 E.N.
became the year 1 E.D. (Era of DARVINO). A new religious sect came
into being known as the Darvinianos. And although a large majority
of the Nazarranos continued to profess their older faith, their views
of the Universe as well as their conceptions of proper living were,
nevertheless, ever more definitely influenced by the Darviniano
conclusions.
Now the belief in personal Gods, of which the Nazarrano faith had
been the latest outgrowth, had prevailed on the planet Mars for
innumerable centuries. The Martian idea of morality had for an
almost unlimited era been taught to the young in so close a
connection with the faith in personal and semi-human Deities, that it
seemed to the Martians that this faith was the rock on which moral
conduct was necessarily to be founded. The faith in personally
supervising Divinities had penetrated the customs and moral
conceptions not only of the Nazarranos, but well nigh of all the
Martian nations and religious sects. It had grown to be to all
appearances inseparable from the Martians’ way of giving vent to
their emotional longings and inclinations. On the other hand, the
Darviniano conclusions contained nothing of an emotional nature.
They sprang from the intellect, and appealed to the intellect only.
As the year 1859 E.N. on Mars corresponds exactly with the year
1859 A.D. on earth, it may readily be seen that at the time of
Professor FANSEE’S intercourse with our neighboring planet, the
Darviniano faith had prevailed only for a little over half a century. Of
course, new faiths, new religions, new philosophies, cannot ripen to
completeness in so short a lapse of time. Hence, in order to satisfy
their emotional longings and moral desires, the Martians continued
to resort to the Nazarrano manuscripts, adopting meanwhile the
intellectual views of the Darvinianos, and trying as best they could to
harmonize the two systems of thought. But try as they might, they
were ever and again confronted by disturbing contradictions. This
inevitably gave rise to an unsettled emotional condition, which our
Martian informer indeed seemed deeply to deplore, but which—in his
clearly expressed opinion—would beyond doubt make way for a
renewed era of moral stability and mental ease, so soon as the
Darviniano faith had been made more nearly complete—and hence
more satisfactory—by an infusion of the emotional element.
Having in this way concisely explained the religious situation on the
whirling Canal-globe, our informant, who evidently was an erudite
philosopher delegated for this purpose, suddenly changed the
subject in order that he might acquaint us with the principal
international political events that had occurred on Mars during the
Nazarrano era.
To our astonishment we received the unmistakable impression that
the social conditions on the earthlike planet are as yet extremely
primitive. It seems that, in ancient times, those groups of Martians
who inhabited territories surrounded by mountains and forests or
bordered by oceans and rivers, were forced to consider these natural
boundaries as insurmountable barriers, and that these barriers made
their communication with other groups of Martians almost
impossible. Each of these groups was thus for many long centuries
constrained to lead an isolated existence. The tribes that occupied
one valley never came in contact with the inhabitants of other
valleys. One group of Martians would dwell at one side of some large
forest; on the other side some other group would be struggling
along; but the two groups never met to interchange their views or to
learn in what way the other had increased the comforts of life.
Naturally, therefore, each group developed a language and crude
civilization of its own, and the result was the division of the
inhabitants of Mars into separate nations, each with its own peculiar
customs and ideals.
As science advanced, the communication between these isolated
nations was ever more facilitated, and their mutual relations became
ever more intimate. At the time at which Professor FANSEE received
his remarkable message, perfect intercommunication had been
established by means of railroads, steamship lines, telegraphs and
telephones. The Martians had even commenced to travel through
the air from one country to another. In this manner all the nations
were enabled to benefit by the scientific progress made by any one
of them.
Now if each nation had been sufficient unto itself, if each country
had from its own resources provided all the ingredients it needed
under its more progressive form of civilization, it might to an extent
have been sensible for the various groups of Martians to say to one
another: “We are mighty glad to come in contact with you, and we
are deeply interested in your customs and ideals, which seem at first
sight so very much at variance with our own, and which are
nevertheless at bottom so very similar to ours; but as we do not see
the slightest benefit in changing the conditions that be, we prefer
not to destroy our national individuality. For our national pride has
grown to be a sacred idol among us, with which no higher ideals of
a more expanded brotherhood should be permitted to interfere.” But
our Martian informer stated that in actuality none of the Martian
nations really is sufficient unto itself. With the broadened
requirements of life which inevitably followed in the wake of
scientific development and mental expansion, it was found that each
nation produces articles of some special type, of which all the other
nations are keenly and continually in need. The soil of one country is
rich in certain products not found in other countries, even though
these other countries require them as well. In fact, it was soon
disclosed that all civilized nations are utterly dependent upon each
other, both mentally and physically.
Under these circumstances, the unprejudiced observer would
naturally expect the nations to form some sort of an alliance or
federation for mutual protection, and with a view to a sensible
combination of interests. Yet so short-sighted have been the
evidently narrow-minded Martians until now, that they have utterly
failed to take any such step. Nay, instead of cooperating with each
other, the nations actually antagonize one another with blind
stupidity. Small-minded jealousies and hatreds, expressing
themselves especially in a peculiar international science which the
Martians call dip-low-macy, keep the nations aloof from one another,
and make sworn hereditary enemies of nations that should entertain
naught but friendly and cooperative relations. Even those nations
which have acquired the same faith, the same hopes, the same
aspirations, continue to lead their isolated national existence,
carefully nursing their mutual petty hatreds and malice against other
nationalities. Inasmuch as pretty nearly all the Martian nations seem
to be afflicted with this malicious nationality-mania, the planet Mars,
as seen from the earth, inevitably makes the impression of one vast
lunatic asylum, nationality-mania being the dreadful malady from
which the Mars-bound patients are unfortunately suffering. Their
minds seem to be as much in a whirl as is the rolling planet which
they inhabit.
This most unfortunate mental disease even disrupts and destroys
the much vaunted bonds of a common religious faith.
On the planet Mars, aside from the Nazarranos, another religious
sect flourishes, founded by a prophet whose name, as far as we
could decipher, was MOE HAMID. This MOE HAMID strictly prohibited the
use of the mussel as an article of nourishment. And by the law of
contradiction or by the irony of fate, the sect has ever since been
known as the Musselmen. Now these Musselmen, although
dispersed among different nationalities, have really formed a sort of
brotherhood founded on their faith. Whenever a holy war is declared
in earnest, all Musselmen stand together. That the members of this
sect should refer to the Nazarrano-Darvinianos as dogs, may be
deplorably one-sided, but can readily be understood. At any rate the
Musselmen are known to stick together. Among the Darvinized
Nazarranos, however, cooperative brotherhood is totally lacking. One
of the Nazarrano-Darviniano nations looks upon another such nation
as a contemptible pack of dogs; one nation considers the other to be
an aggregate of low barbarians; and every single nation among
them envies all the others any political power or industrial prosperity
which by long-continued effort they may have attained.
Even though both NAZARRO and DARVINO were fervent advocates of
peace and tolerance, the nations which are supposed to follow these
two Masters direct their best intelligence and scientific
accomplishments toward the invention of infernal devices with which
to maim and destroy one another. Every new discovery made by
scientific searchers is at once seized upon for the purpose of making
these engines of torture ever more deadly, ever more maliciously
destructive. As he deciphered these words one dreary night,
Professor FANSEE whispered to me in confidence that he had
absolutely lost his belief in the actual existence of Hell; but that this
revelation was making him reconsider his non-belief. And, he added,
if there is such a place, I am fully convinced that, then, I have
beyond doubt located it on the planet Mars. Think of this insensate
chaos of low emotions, of this ceaseless courting of suffering, death
and devastation among nations which should have formed a solid
bond of friendship and mutual respect, and which, had they done so,
might all have peaceably enjoyed all the wealth of the Universe. And
when you behold their primitive lack of all kindly feeling, reflect that
these nationality-maniacs are so utterly deluded as to bluntly call
themselves Nazarranos and to pray to the God of NAZARRO for success
in their wantonly destructive pursuits!
Stirred to the depth by this display of unutterable stupidity or
seemingly hopeless irrationality, we anxiously waited for further
details. Little by little, we subsequently succeeded in deciphering
them. It seems that among the antagonistic Nazarrano-Darviniano
nations there were two to whom our Martian informer referred with
particular emphasis.
One of these, inhabiting a country called Two-Tonia, seems to be
known to the Martians as the TWO-TONS. Upon inquiry it was found
that on Mars the names by which the nations are known are in some
instances derived from their mental characteristics. The Two-Tons
have the reputation of being mentally heavy. Each Two-Ton is
supposed to carry two tons of brain matter; and in many individual
cases this weight unfortunately becomes so oppressive as to make
them apparently incapable of acquiring or developing the amiable
and pliable mental graces that adorn the minds of a few other
nationalities.
The Two-Tons excel many other nations in depth and scientific
thoroughness. They have increased their depth by digging very deep
into any subject to which they devote their attention. That in their
arguments in connection with the Darviniano philosophy, aside from
empirical pursuits, they are apt to dig in the wrong direction, our
Martian informer promised to demonstrate. Digging as deep as they
do, one may easily understand, if they really start digging in the
wrong direction, how very far from their philosophic object they are
likely to wind up in the end.
Among those nationalities whose national pride stands in the way of
an appreciation of the merits of other nations, the Two-Tons must be
counted foremost. To them all other Nazarrano-Darviniano nations
seem utterly worthless and absurdly inferior. For this reason they
prefer occasional association or alliance with the Musselmen,
although they are supposed to be praying to the Nazarrano God,
placing meanwhile their faith in the Darviniano philosophy. Their
contempt for other Nazarrano nations knows no limit. They consider
themselves the creators and guardians of a special form of
civilization, endlessly superior to the degree of mental growth
reached in other countries. However absurd and conceited this may
seem, it must at the same time be acknowledged that the brain-
weight of the Two-Tons has led to some remarkably constructive
results. In the short lapse of time of forty years, making use of the
material gathered in earlier periods, they have succeeded in erecting
a palatial edifice of science and industry far exceeding in excellence
and unity of construction the many isolated buildings erected for the
same purpose in the course of a few centuries in other countries.
How great and rich this nation could therefore have grown, had they
quietly fostered in their own hearts their elation at their wonderful
progress, and had they not permitted contradictory delusions to mar
the solidity of their accomplishments!
It should be mentioned that among the products which this nation
was preparing with scientific care was a dangerous explosive that
was placed upon the national market under the name of Militarism.
Every able-bodied male citizen was compelled to devote a certain
number of years to the manufacture of this highly explosive product.
As a consequence there was such a superabundance of the stuff in
their country, that they decided to store barrels upon barrels of it in
the basement of their wonderfully constructed edifice. Moreover,
they placed a fuse in every room and hall of the well-constructed
building, so that they might be in a position to blow the whole
structure up at a moment’s notice, apparently just for spite, in case
of a quarrel with some other nation. Great engines were constructed
of precious metal from which this explosive was to hurl huge balls,
scientific stinkpots and other malicious missiles into the ranks of the
contemplated enemy. And as these engines were wont to cough up
their deadly projectiles with an earsplitting noise, the factory where
the engines were produced was facetiously referred to as the CROUP-
factory. The time indeed came when an explosion did occur, of which
the terrific results are as yet incapable of compilation.
Another product of a very different kind, manufactured by the Two-
Tons, was mentioned by our Martian informer, the real character of
which Professor FANSEE had some difficulty in deciphering. At first the
Professor translated its name as Koaltar, but as the word was
repeated, it proved to be some sort of national talisman to which
they give the name of Kooltoor. The real meaning of this word is still
wrapped in mystery. It would seem, however, that just as our word
Culture refers to the mental development of the individual, so is the
word Kooltoor used to denote the mental and physical development
of the Two-Ton nation as a whole. I expect that Two-Tonia will be
mentioned later in Professor FANSEE’S manuscript in connection with
further international Martian events.
The other nation most frequently mentioned by our unseen
communicant on Mars seems to be known on that planet by the
name of ANGLERS-AXSONS, and was at other times referred to under the
name of BRITS. There is no doubt but that the two names refer to the
same nation, for in one instance the word Axsons was left out, and
our kind Martian spoke distinctly of the Anglers or Brits. They dwell
apparently on a group of islands called Anglia or Brittia. It further
seems that one of these islands is specifically known as the Ire-
island, because the ire of its inhabitants is so very easily aroused.
According to a legend, the nation of the Brits was founded by a
fisherman who drove the snakes off the islands for the permanent
protection of the angleworms. This fisherman having been a
prehistoric patriarch, whose name has failed to come down the sky-
reaching slope of the centuries, the nation is simply known as the
Anglers. The ocean has been the field of their conquests and the
means toward their development, which took about three centuries,
so that their national efforts commenced some two centuries and a
half before the Two-Tons started theirs.
They are so wholeheartedly devoted to fishing, it is said that during
all this stretch of time they continually have had their baited hooks
ready to grab and appropriate anything to be found in, on or near
the ocean. They have not been unsuccessful in their fishing
enterprise. Sometimes they catch fish. At other times they catch
islands, coaling stations, countries occupied by so-called inferior
tribes, a canal here and there built by the laborious efforts of other
nations; in fact they have gathered all sorts of oceanic treasures
whenever the other nations failed to see them first. The surname
Ax-sons is probably derived from the fact that but a few hundred
years ago they were mere Skandalnavying savages whose only
weapon of offense and defense was the battle-ax.
As to the name Brits, by which they seem in fact to be most
commonly known, it must be confessed that Professor FANSEE had
never succeeded in discovering its intrinsic meaning. When I
returned to civilization, however, I decided to investigate; and by
carefully scanning all the dictionaries contained in all the famous
libraries of the Fidji Islands, I discovered that the word Brit applies
to a young herring, once thought to be a distinct species. I
furthermore found that this word denotes the food of the whalebone
whales, consisting of small crustaceans, pteropods (whatever that
is), and other minute surface swimming animals whose mammas
have cursed them with fancy names. It is possible that the Brits
made at one time the fishing of brit their national industry, and that
they thus became known by the name of the fish they sold, dished
up, and in other ways used for their own sel-fish purposes. On the
other hand it is equally plausible that the name refers to their
propensity of grabbing little islands and coaling stations from the
ocean, just small enough to escape the attention of others and to
pass through the elastic dip-low-matic rake, yet in the aggregate of
sufficient bulk considerably to increase their national weight and
importance.
Speaking of dip-low-macy, the Brits are great adepts at this low-
dipping effort. It should be known that in this peculiar Martian
pursuit the facial muscles are not permitted to betray the schemes
that are hatching in the brain. You think and mean one thing, you
say and appear to mean something else. The heavy bulk of brain
that burdens the Two-Tons prevents these scientific people from
dissimulating their mental activity. They are forced by nature to be
blunt and candid, except when they have caused some calamity and
foxily try to throw the blame on somebody else, as curiously may be
shown by subsequent events. But the brains of the Brits are not
quite so heavy. By means of rowing, swimming, football, polo, golf,
tennis, cricket and other strenuous outdoor sports, they have
acquired perfect control over their muscles. Especially is this ability
apparent in their clever manipulation of the muscles of the face.
At frequent occasions the Brits have covered their angling activities
with a veneer of apparently noble purposes, so beautifully polished
you could almost use the veneer as a curved looking-glass. For
instance, when they were spreading their own nationality all over the
hilly surface of good old Mars, their facial expression was extremely
innocent and noble while pretending merely to be spreading the
Nazarrano faith. While they did do their share toward Nazarrizing the
globe on which they live, they did not, in accordance with the
Nazarrano precepts, look for their reward in heaven, but they sold
their virtues for cash and took their reward by force of arms and dip-
low-macy right on Mars itself. Their plan was very simple. They
would send a missionary to spread the faith; subsequently they
would send him plenty of assistants. Then they would start trading,
always looking out—as tradesmen should—for their own interests.
This inevitably led to disagreement with the natives. And as the
engines of destruction used by the unobtrusive natives had not
reached as high a phase of physical civilization as had those of the
Brits, all the latter had to do at this phase of the game was to send
some of their own little destruction-machines to the nation involved,
and, after a little fighting, to make the territory their own. They
would then start to colonize to clinch the one-sided deal.
To the development of science and industry they also have
contributed a very important share. But as they believed in Culture
and failed to develop that national unity brought about by the Two-
Ton Kooltoor, their scientific and industrial buildings have never as
yet been combined into one great edifice, such as so skilfully erected
in Two-Tonia. It is possible that the greater development of animal
spirits among the Brits versus the greater mental momentum of the
Two-Tons had something to do with this difference in type of growth.
It is possible that it was simply due to the fact that the minds of the
great Brit thinkers and scientists had developed in one direction,
while those among the Two-Tons had developed in a very different
direction. Yet there can be but little doubt but that one of the most
important causes of this divergency is to be found in the
circumstance that the Two-Tons started to build their unified nation
at a time when the sciences had reached a high state of
advancement, and after a new philosophic sect had arisen among
the Two-Tons, who were popularly known as the Social-Mists, and
who laid particular stress on the advantages of cooperation; while,
on the contrary, the foundation of the Brit institutions had been laid
during a period, when the development of modern science had not
given even its first signs of life.
In regard to the science of dip-low-macy, previously referred to, it
may here be stated that this facial endeavor is by no means limited
to the Brits alone. It seems that this quasi-scientific deception is
practised with similar skill by other Martian nations. And even
allowing for the deplorable fact that most of these nations are
suffering from a pitiable mental malady, it still is astounding to the
terrestrial onlooker that this ability to manipulate the facial muscles
is among the Martians regarded as a highly meritorious attainment.
Many dignitaries of the Nazarrano corporation occupy high places of
honor on the strength of it. Nay, among most of the Martian nations
even the making and the interpretation of the country’s laws is
almost exclusively entrusted to those who excel in this deceitful
pursuit. For the attainment to high political office it seems to be an
absolutely essential accomplishment. Our Martian informer
expressed the fervent belief that, were it not for this irrational and
habitual deception, much of the petty malice between nation and
nation could have been avoided or allayed.
We have heretofore found occasion to mention that the national
activity of the Brits covered a period of some three hundred years,
while that of the Two-Tons was limited to a span of forty years. This
apparent difference in national duration is due to the fact that for
many years up to the year 11 E.D. (1871 E.N.) the Two-Tons had
been divided into a number of small principalities, each leading a
semi-national existence of its own. In the year mentioned, after a
destruction-chief by the name of MOULD-KEY had conquered the Frank-
Aulians popularly known as the Fringe, a Two-Ton leader called
BEES’MARK, because he left the mark of a very busy bee upon Two-
Tonia, united the principalities into one great Two-Ton empire. Two
chiefs reigned for a short time over the new-born nation, and then
were succeeded by another ruler, a man of strenuous activity,
bearing the high-sounding name of WILMOSTASH. This man seems to
have had a prominent influence on the Two-Tonian growth; and the
Two-Tons are convinced that their natural development is in essence
due to the tireless efforts of this ruler, whose facial adornments
indeed reach up toward the distant heavens.
The industrial preparations among the Two-Ton principalities
previous to their federation, were now by the Two-Tons regarded as
of but little consequence. Especially the younger generations saw
naught but the growth of the united nation since the year 11 E.D.
(1871 E.N.). And when they realized that they occupied an industrial
position on the planet Mars at least as important as that of any other
nation, they were impressed with the idea that in three, four
decades they had accomplished what had taken other nations three,
four centuries to reach. This impression could not but vastly increase
their national pride, so that the nationality-mania, so common
among the deluded Martians, was in Two-Tonia brought to an acute
phase, overshadowing in depth and seriousness the similar mental
malady prevalent among other nations.
As a consequence, as they gradually attained their important
industrial position, they aspired at a political position of similar
importance. But being—as a consequence of their brain-weight—less
nimble and more blunt than many of the other races, they frequently
assumed in the counsel of nations a high-toned attitude which the
others looked upon as arrogant, and by force of which they
frequently attempted to dictate the final decisions on international
problems.
Had the nations not been deluded by their antagonistic and ever
suspicious nationality-mania, they would have reasoned with the
Two-Tons, they would have endeavored better to understand their
ideals and their motives, and they might have learned much from
them, just as the Two-Tons themselves in earlier years had learned a
great deal from the others. But as a consequence of the deplorable
Martian delusion, this attitude on the part of the Two-Tons had the
effect of emphasizing all the more the malice that one nation bore
another, and even resulted in a combination of the ill-will of various
otherwise mutually unfriendly nations, in aggregate directed against
the Two-Tons. As the neighboring nations watched with anxiety the
profuse production of the militaristic explosive in the Two-Tonian
empire, and as they scented an imminent danger of an explosion,
they—by means of combinations and alliances—commenced to take
measures to protect themselves against the Two-Tonian aggression
which, they thought, was bound sooner or later to change from a
merely mental attitude into a series of acts of physical violence.
Among the nations so combined, special mention should be made of
the FRANK-AULIANS or FRINGE, who, besides watching with suspicion the
growing militaristic activity of their neighbor, were moreover
animated by their desire to obtain redress for the damage done
them in 1871 E.N., when they lost the territories of All-Sass and
Low-Rain to the Two-Tons. Indeed, though this desire—at first
vehemently proclaimed—had largely diminished in fervor as time
wore on, still it was one of the undercurrents conscientiously to be
taken into account in the judgment one might attempt to pass upon
later developments. In the anti-Two-Tonian protective combinations,
the Fringe no doubt figured prominently.
It is characteristic of the primitive condition of Martian civilization
that a nation’s political influence is determined, not by the wisdom it
displays in international counsel, but by the size of the territory it
controls, and partly, therefore, by the extent of its colonies. Now,
during three long centuries various nations had explored the oceans
and snapped up all the territories fit for colonization; and owing to
the successful angling of the Brits, many of these colonies had in the
end fallen into their hands. Next in colonial possessions came the
Fringe, and another nation known as the Whole-landers also
controlled considerable outlying territory. But as all these nations
had been engaged in this accumulation-process for so long a span of
time, the Two-Tons, when they commenced to search for similar far-
off fields of expansion, found but little left over. And not being as
perfect in dip-low-matic attainments as other nations, the Two-Tons,
as other nations had feared all along, came to the conclusion that
the only way in which they could attain to the same type of political
influence, was by force of arms, in other words, by a free and very
inconsiderate use of their national explosive on other nations’
territories. I am here tempted to call attention to the marked
influence which political conditions exert over the mental activity of a
nation’s philosophic authors.
This temptation is so great that I shall overcome my reluctance, and
reveal what our Martian communicant secretly confided to Professor
FANSEE one memorable night, when both were looking for relaxation
from the strain of their protracted labor. On this indeed very rare
occasion our Martian philosopher confided to Professor FANSEE some
of his own personal earlier experiences. From these it appeared that
the Martian—I picture him in my imagination as a tall, lean man with
a long white beard—had originally been a fervent follower of the
faith of NAZARRO, and that afterwards he had been converted to
Darvinianoism. And so profoundly had the Darviniano conclusions
obtained a hold on his mentality, that he finally refused to look upon
the Heebron and Nazarrano manuscripts as in any way authoritative
in regard to what did and what did not constitute morality. With my
deeper understanding of Nature, he then had said to himself, let me
go back to her, and Nature herself shall teach me the laws of proper
conduct. But when he had commenced conscientiously to observe
the methods of Nature with this purpose in view, he soon discovered
that the conduct of Nature as a whole greatly differs from the
conduct deemed just and proper by the Martians. He found that
Nature may at any time produce an upheaval of the soil, by which
libraries, printing-presses, art museums, temples, churches,
factories, institutes of industry and learning, would in a few hours be
wantonly destroyed, without the slightest discrimination between the
criminal and the virtuous, between things evil and things beneficial
to the Martians. In this then, he mused, we cannot follow Nature.
Then, seeking for better guidance, he had bethought himself of the
law of the survival of the fittest. This law, he reflected, we may be
able consciously to apply to our conduct. But how? It is evident that
this law refers essentially to physical impediments and obstructions,
to physical conditions only. An icy blast may sweep the top of a high
hill and wipe out the tribe that inhabits it, and those living in the
valley may survive. Yet, had those in the valley been at the pinnacle,
they would have perished, and had those at the pinnacle lived in the
valley, they would in turn have survived. And if one were to ask what
would have happened had the blast struck both tribes at the same
time, we answer, those physically the fittest would have survived,
absolutely independent of their virtues or vices or of the degree of
their intelligence.
Has intelligence then been of no consequence whatever in the
activity of this law? Does not the fact that an intelligent race has
survived races of animals physically far more ferocious furnish proof
positive of the influence of intelligence on the operation of the great
law? No, had the Martian concluded, it furnishes no such proof
whatever. An intelligent race has survived, not in consequence of the
physical law of survival, but in opposition to it. It survived because it
devised means of protection wherewith to oppose the
indiscriminating physical forces by which survival had theretofore
been determined. And when one compares the individual members
of that intelligent race with one another, one soon discovers that
those of superior intelligence are often physically far more frail than
are the dull-minded specimens, and hence frequently far less fit to
withstand the onslaught of antagonistic physical forces.
Do we seek to apply this much quoted law of survival to morality, we
find to our dismay that not infrequently the unscrupulous thief and
deceiver and the blunt bully grow and prosper, while the honest and
virtuous thinker, less tricky or less self-assertive, is the unfortunate
and suffering underdog. Of course, if this law of survival were indeed
to be applied to our international views, we could only praise and
admire those who have acquired power: we certainly would have no
good cause to hate them.
We shall soon discover that the Martian spoke in detail on this
subject to Professor FANSEE, because it had an important bearing
upon the further political events on Mars. And it may therefore be
proper for me, also to quote to what conclusion the Martian
philosopher came at the end of his revelations.
Would anyone think, he exclaimed, of trying to advocate the law of
gravitation as a guide to proper conduct? No one would, because it
would be utterly absurd. For no Martian can add one iota to its
power or take away one iota from its everlasting activity by
conscious effort. We can add to or subtract from it no more than we
could add to or subtract from the material of which our Universe is
composed. And just as little good or bad as our conscious scheming
can do to the law of gravitation, just as little can it aid or hamper the
law of the survival of the fittest, except in so far as we may be able
to protect ourselves against its indiscriminate lack of consideration.
That law has ruled long before there was any self-consciousness,
long before there was intelligence in the living entities, long before
one group of specimens of a deluded species envied another group
its industrial or political importance. If life were to be ruled by this
law, it would be absurd to devise remedies against epidemics. In
that case, we should allow the disease to ravage the nation all it
wants to. Nature would thus render the Martians a special favor by
destroying those unfit to survive that particular disease. And after
epidemic Number One had passed, we might allow some new
epidemic to destroy all the survivors, even though among those
killed by the first disease there might have been many who could
successfully have survived epidemic Number Two, had they only still
been alive to face it.
The absurdity of the proposition of being guided by this automatic
law had, therefore, become plainly apparent to our Martian
philosopher. And then it was, he told Professor FANSEE, that he began
to realize the truth of what had been said by others, that the moral
precepts contained in the Heebron and Nazarrano manuscripts had
sprung from the verdicts of human reason, after many centuries of
experience and observation of social requirements; and that they
had become obnoxious to certain Darvinianos, not because they
were in themselves wrong or misleading, but because they had until
now always been imparted as if inseparably founded on a devoted
faith in personal semi-human Deities. Separate them from that
ancient faith, and they are strong enough in themselves to remain
standing, fastened deep into the rock of human experience, as
efficient guide-posts on the road that leads through the labyrinth of
life. As experience erected them, experience may perhaps later still
further improve them. Not your experience alone, or my experience
alone, but the experience of all the Martians combined, scientifically
founded on the decrees of further advanced logic.
After this relaxation by way of a heart-to-heart confession, our noble
Martian returned to his narrative of the struggling nations, and here
he showed at once in what way his confession was connected with
his interesting little chapter of political history.
The Two-Ton philosophers, he said, like himself profoundly
impressed with the Darviniano faith, had commenced to look to the
laws of Nature for moral guidance. And having started to dig in this
direction, the momentum of their brain-weight prevented them from
changing their course. Thus it came about that NEETCH-UR, a
philosopher of note in Two-Tonia, utterly cast aside all Nazarrano
precepts. Why cure, protect or aid the weak? Let the strong survive
as Nature naturally would let them. Will they be less intelligent?
Blame Nature. Will they be less considerate of their brothers’ well-
being? It’s the fault of Nature who then apparently wanted it that
way. What NEETCH-UR taught, therefore, was the moral excellence of
physical and mental power, inconsiderately overriding all those
whose powers are less mighty, even if this “moral” attitude should
lead the Martians to a condition of total im-morality.
Neetch-ur was an oratorical author productive of high-sounding
maxims, who never endeavored to test their efficiency by the road of
logic. Though his ideals were evidently floating in the wrong
direction, he nevertheless had some of the marks of the genius.
Nationality was to him a minor consideration. He addressed his
advocacy of the rule of the powerful to all the inhabitants of Mars,
and if a Brit or a Skandalnavying were more powerful than a Two-
Ton, he would have witnessed with satisfaction the Two-Ton’s
overthrow by the Brit or the sturdy Skandalnavying.
To the Two-Tons, influenced as they were by the Martian nationality-
mania, this view of life was a bit too broad. The correctness of the
nature-view was not questioned. Especially not since one of their
most renowned empirical scientists, known as Professor HECKLER, had
boldly toddled from his empirical laboratory into the field of
philosophy, and had strenuously emphasized the nature-view, with
utter neglect of the emotional side of the Martian character. But
though the nature-view was held to be perfectly in order, NEETCH-UR’S
international broadness did not coincide with the Two-Tonian
national mental tendencies. No wonder, therefore, that another
author soon arose, named TRITE-SHKUR, who adopted NEETCH-UR’S
views, but applied them exclusively to the glory of the Two-Tons. If
any one nation was to survive by its power to conquer, that one
nation must be the nation of the Two-Tonians. The Brits with their
propensity toward territorial expansion had ruled the misty planet
long enough. We, the Two-Tons, have a greater quantity of
explosives than have the Brits. Our Kooltoor is far greater than their
culture. The God of NAZARRO, no matter what precepts NAZARRO
himself may have proclaimed, will take joy in seeing us conquer. We
must go for the Brits, use our explosives indiscriminately, and thus
capture all the territory we can, in order to force the law of survival
to make its decision in our favor.
And when his writings were followed by another book compiled by
an explosive-manufacturer suitably named BURN-ARDOR, and which
described in detail the method to be followed in the contemplated
struggle, the minds of the Two-Tons were fully made up concerning
the futility of Nazarrano kindness, and the superiority of nature-
morality. Indeed, when the struggle came, even the Two-Ton division
of the Social-Mist sect, advocates of international cooperation and
peace, compounders of a cure for the dreadful nationality-mania,
prophets of good-will to all nations, but among whom the nature-
view nevertheless largely prevailed, suddenly lost their idealistic
enthusiasm, and joined the ranks of the nationality-maniacs, in order
to make use of the explosives under the command of the
destruction-chiefs. Had these Social-Mists suddenly gone mad? Why
no, not suddenly. They simply felt their intimate relationship to one
of the Martian nations; and these nations had been mad for
centuries, and had not yet been brought back to sanity; that’s all.
True, in other countries the Darviniano philosophy had led to
conclusions of a different type. In Brittia a contemporary of DARVINO,
answering to the name of SPENSAIRO, had elaborately traced the
development of Martian social conditions from time immemorial to
date. And he showed that as the nations had advanced in
civilization, their pursuits and mental attitude had grown more and
more peaceable. He concluded that the martial spirit of destruction
is a spirit of barbaric savagery. Hence, cooperation among the
various nations for the good of all was the ideal toward which his
conclusions pointed. It is curious that this advocate of peace arose in
a country that had arrived at a position of foremost political
importance, so that by this nation no struggle for predominance with
other nations was in the least desired. It is just as curious that in
Two-Tonia, which was actually engaged in a mental struggle for
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