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 i\
COULnN'T IT TO MYSBLF

WAIiLV LAMB
and the woiviesn of york
cokrisctionaIj institution
rElSTIIVIONIES FK01\I OUK I IVI PK ISO NE E) SISTtlKS f

•
ii

'^ip
 USA $24.95
CANADA $38.95

Wliat I hope is that people

reading this book will bear
in mind that we are htunan
beings first, inmates second.
—Bonnie Foreshaiv
In a stunning new work of insight and hope,
New York Times bestselling author Wally
Lannb once again reveals his unmatched
talent for finding the humanity in the lost
and lonely and celebrates the transforming
power of the written word.
For the past several years, Lamb has
taught writing to a group of women prison-
ers at York Correctional Institution. At first
mistrustful of Lamb, one another, and the
writing process, over time these students
let down their guard, picked up their pens,
and discovered their voices. In this unfor-
gettable collection, the women of York
describe in their own words how they were
imprisoned by abuse, rejection, and their
own self-destructive impulses long before
they entered the criminal justice system.
Yet these are stories of hope, humor, and
triumph the face of despair. Having used
in

writing as a tool to unlock their creativity

and begin the process of healing, these
amazing writers have left victimhood
behind.
In his powerful introduction, Lamb de-

scribes the incredible journey of expression

and self-awareness the women took through
their writings and shares how they chal-
lenged him as a teacher and as a fellow
author. In "Hair Chronicles," Tabatha Rowley
tells her life history through her past hair-
styles—outer signals to the world each time
she reinvented herself and eventually came
to prize herown self-worth. Brenda Medina
admits in "Hell, and How Got Here" that I

she continued to rebel in prison until her

parents' abiding love made her realize that
her misbehavior was hurting them and
herself deeply. In "Faith. Power, and Pants,"

(continued on back flap) 0203

COULDN'T KISEP IT TO IWEYSESLF

llllllllllllllll
COULriN'T KEllESP IT TO IVIYSELP

VLTALLiY ImAJMLU
AND THIS WOMEN OF YORK
COKKECTIONAL INSTITUTION
TESTIMONIES FROM OUR IMPRISONED SISTERS

tin

ReganBooks
An Imprint of HiTperCoWxnsPubltiher
All contemporary photographs of the women by Richard Roselle. All childhood photo-
graphs courtesy of the authors.

A continuation of the copyright page appears on page 352.

couldn't keep it to myself. Collection copyright © 2003 by Wally Lamb. All rights reserved.
Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced
in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quota-
tions embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information address HarperCollins
Publishers Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022.

HarperCollins books may be purchased for educational, business, or sales promotional

use. For information please write: Special Markets Department, HarperCollins Publish-
ers Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022.

FIRST EDITION

Designed by Kelly Hitt

Printed on acid-free paper

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Couldn't keep it to myself: testimonies from our imprisoned sisters/Wally Lamb

and the Women of York Correctional Institution,
p. cm.
ISBN 0-06-053429-X
1. Prisoners' writings, American —Connecticut. 2. Women prisoners —Connecticut.
I. Lamb, Wally. II. Women of York Correctional Institution.

PS548.C8 C68 2003

810.8'09287'086927— dc21
2002036869

03 04 05 06 07 WB/RRD 10 987654321
For Diane Bartholomew, who left behind a legacy of words
 CONTENTS

ix ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

xi NOTES TO THE READER ~ Wally Lamb

1 COULDN'T KEEP IT TO OURSELVES ~ Wally Lamb

19 THE TRUE FACE OF EARTH ~ Nancy Whiteley

53 ORBITING IZZY ~ Nancy Whiteley

65 THEFTS ~ Carolyn Ann Adams

95 HAIR CHRONICLES ~ Tabatha Rowley

113 THREE STEPS PAST THE MONKEYS ~ Nancy Birkla

143 HELL, AND HOW GOT HERE

I ~ Brenda Medina

177 CHRISTMAS IN PRISON ~ Robin Cullen

185 FAITH, POWER, AND PANTS ~ Bonnie For esh aw

211 PUZZLE PIECES ~ Barbara Parsons Lane

245 MOTHERLOVE ~ Michelle Jessamy

267 SNAPSHOTS OF MY EARLY LIFE ~ Diane Bartholomew

335 BAD GIRLS ~ Dale Griffith

351 SOURCES AND SUGGESTED READING

 llliiliiiillllll

The editor and contributors wish to thank the following individuals for

their time, talents, and assistance in the birthing of this book: George
Allen, William Barber, Aaron Bremyer, Paul Brown, Angelica Canales,
Lynn Castelli, Debbie Cauley, Linda Chester, Bruce Cohen, Marge
Cohen, Evva Donn, Kassie Evashevski, James Fox, Dorthula Green,
Brenden Hitt, Kelly Hitt, Doris Janhsen, Leslie Johnson, Terese Karmel,
Ann Lamb, Pam Lewis, Ethel Mantzaris, Kay Miller,
Koletsky, Christine
Kenneth Norwick, Paul Olsewski, Pam Pfeifer, Carl Raymond, Warden
Pam Richards, Rick Roselle, Barbara Sanders, Beth Neelman Silfin, Dan
Taylor, Pedro Valentin, Robert Youdelman, Ellen Zahl, and Gale Zucker.
Special thanks to publisher Judith Regan, associate editor Aliza Fogel-
son, and literary agent Leigh Feldman, and to the administrative, custo-
dial, and educational staffs of York Correctional Institution.
I
 NOTES TO
THE HEADER
llllllllllllllll

ABOUT THE COVER The front cover art for Couldn't Keep It to

Myself is an assemblage made by York School students who participated

in an extension course in art appreciation taught by Pedro Valentin
through Three Rivers Community College of Norw^ich, Connecticut.

ABOUT CONTENT When David Berkowitz, the infamous "Son of

Sam" serial killer, book deal to tell the story of his murderous
signed a
spree, there v^as public outcry. To prevent high-profile criminals from
profiting from heinous deeds, the New York legislature enacted the
"Son of Sam" law in 1977. The statute allowed victims of a person con-
victed of a crime to access profits made from that crime. In a later case
involving a book by a well-known organized crime figure, "Sammy the
Bull" Gravano, the Son of Sam law was challenged and declared uncon-
stitutional because of its overly broad restriction of First Amendment
rights. A second Son of Sam statute, enacted in 1992, narrowed the
scope of the earlier law. If an author made only incidental or indirect
reference to a crime he or she had committed, then profits from the writ-
ing could presumably fall outside of the "profits made from a crime"
definition. Following New York's lead, the U.S. government and some
forty states, including Connecticut, passed their own versions of Son of
Sam statutes.

Out of respect for Connecticut's Son of Sam law, the contributors to

this anthology have not written directly about the crimes for which they
were convicted. References to these crimes are incidental or tangential
to the stories the writers have chosen to tell.

ABOUT EDITING While they were developing their works in progress,

volume gathered and used critical responses
the contributors to this
from workshop co-facilitator Dale Griffith, and me. Most
their peers,

wrote numerous drafts and received written as well as verbal editorial

xii NOTES TO THE READER

feedback on each revision. There was, in addition, classroom instruction

about various aspects of craft: the use of past versus present tense in

v^riting memoir, how to recast memories as dramatic scenes with the

help of fictional techniques, how to balance narrative with exposition,
how to write successful segues. When the submission deadline arrived, I
took off my teaching hat and put on my editor's cap. It was not a com-
fortable fit.

"What is editing?" I finally asked my German publisher. Dr. Doris

Janhsen of List-Verlag, midway through the editing of this collection.

"How much editorial intervention is too much? How little is too little?

How do I balance the author's right to tell a story on her own terms
with the reader's right to a smooth, logical, and interesting read?" Dr.

Janhsen said she edited prose for clarity, pace, and dramaturgy. I went
back to work on the manuscript, guided by those three principles. In the

end, each of the selections in this book dictated its own editorial needs.

"Fat" writing was made more lean. Flat phrasing was enlivened. Para-
graphs and episodes were cut and pasted. Shorter, self-contained pieces
were seamed together when theme or motif invited the fusion. Conse-
quently, there is a range of editorial involvement, from minimal nip-
and-tuck to a level of activity approaching "as written with." Most fell

somewhere in the middle of the continuum. In all cases, the writers had
final approval over their edited works.

ABOUT THE CONTRIBUTORS Nine of the eleven contributors in

this collection wrote their pieces while incarcerated at York Correc-

tional Institution, a maximum-security facility located on the Connecti-
cut shoreline in Niantic. The two exceptions are Dale Griffith ("Bad
Girls"), a State of Connecticut-certified teacher at York School and the
workshop's co-facilitator, and Nancy Birkla ("Three Steps Past the
Monkeys"), a Connecticut native and recovering addict who was
imprisoned in the Kentucky State Penitentiary for Women. Birkla is a
private writing student and my first cousin. The grandmother who
appears prominently in her essay was my grandmother, too.

ABOUT COMMUNITY Founded in 1977, Interval House of Hartford,

Connecticut, is the state's largest and most comprehensive service

provider to battered women and their children. Says a representative:

 NOTES TO THE READER xiii

"Every single day, story after story, the determined advocates of Interval
House stand with abused women and jus-
in their struggle for survival

tice." The contributors of Couldn't Keep It to Myself hsLve made Inter-

val House an equal partner in the sharing of revenues from this
anthology.

—WL

I
 COULION'T KISIQP IT
TO OURSELVES
lliiiiiiiiii
WA L LY LAMB

HE TOY DEPARTMENT AT THE DURABLE STORE SOLD

Ttwo blackboards. The modest two-by-three-foot model

came with wall brackets and a three-piece starter box of
chalk. Its deluxe cousin was framed in wood, had legs and
p? feet, and came "loaded": a pair of erasers, a pointer, a

twelve-stick chalk set, and a bonus box of colored chalk. I was a third-
grader when I spotted that blackboard. Good-bye to Lincoln Logs and
Louisville Sluggers. From the age of eight, I wanted to teach.
My first students were my older sisters. As preteenagers, Gail and
Vita were more interested in imitating the dance steps of the American
Bandstand "regulars" than in playing school, but a direct order from
our mother sent them trudging upstairs to my classroom. I'd prepared
for their arrival: work sheets, white shirt and clip-on tie, alarm clock
hidden under my bed for the surprise fire drill. If my sisters had to play,

then they would playact. Vita cast herself as hip-swiveling Cookie

Crane, as smoldering a third-grader as there ever was. Gail was Rippy
Van Snoot, the class incorrigible. I was launching into opening exercises
when Rippy reached past me, grabbed a blackboard eraser, and bounced
it off my forehead. Cookie shrieked with delight and lit an imaginary
cigarette. I forget which reprobate flung my flash cards into the air and
made the room rain arithmetic.
Fourteen years later I was a high school English teacher with my first

actual students. Paula Plunkett and Seth Jinks were the two I remember
most vividly from my rookie year. Paula had pretty eyes and graceful
penmanship, but she was encased in a fortress of fat. Sad and isolated,
she sat at a special table in back because she didn't fit the desks. She
never spoke; no one ever spoke to her. In my first-year-teacher naivete, I

sought to draw Paula into the dynamic, thinking group work and class
discussion would save her. My plan failed miserably.
Seth Jinks was in the twelfth-grade class I'd been assigned because I
2 WALLY LAMB

had no seniority. "The sweathogs," these kids dubbed themselves. I was

twenty-one, and so were three or four of my sweathogs. We honey-
mooned for a couple of weeks. Then one morning I walked up the aisle

and tapped Seth Jinks on the shoulder. I needed to wake him up so I

could exchange the paperback he hadn't read for the new one he wasn't
going to read. "Seth, get your head off the desk," I said. "Here's the new
book." No response. I poked him. He looked up at me with little-boy-

lost eyes. "Go fuck yourself," he said. The room went quiet. The
sweathogs, Seth, and I held our collective breath and waited for my
response. And in that uneasy silence, and the days, and months, and de-
cades that followed, teaching became for me not just a job but a calling.
I have found special meaning in working with hard nuts, tough cookies,
and hurtin' buckaroos —those children among us who are the walking
wounded. \

That said, I did not want to go to York Correctional Institution, Con-

necticut's maximum-security prison for women, on that warm August
afternoon in 1999. I was keeping a promise I'd made to Marge Cohen,
the prison school librarian. Marge had called three months earlier, as I
was preparing for a twelve-city book tour in support of my second
novel, I Know This Much Is True, Several suicides and suicide attempts
had triggered an epidemic of despair at the Marge had
prison.
explained; the school staff, groping to find help, was canvasing the com-
munity. They thought writing might prove useful to the women as a
coping tool. Would I come and speak.^ Because I'm frequently asked to
support good causes and have a hard time saying no, I keep an index
card taped to my phone —a scripted refusal that allows me to preserve
family and writing time. That day, though, I couldn't find my card. I

toldMarge I'd visit when I got back from my book tour.

I would never have predicted an author's life for myself, but when I

was thirty, while on summer hiatus from teaching, I'd sat down and
written a short story on a whim. I liked doing it and wrote another. For
my third story, I fused a sarcastic voice to the visual memory of the
mute, isolated Paula Plunkett. For years I had worried and wondered
about my former student. What had become of her? What had all that
weight meant? Who had she been as a child? In the absence of actual

knowledge, the life I invented around her remembered image became

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outgoings from this house may be in the name of the Lord; arid that all
their salutations may be in the name of the Lord, with holy hands,
uplifted to the Most High; and that no unclean thing shall be permitted
to come into thy house to pollute it; and when thy people transgress,
any of them, they may speedily repent, and return unto thee, and find
favor in thy sight, and be restored to the blessings which thou hast
ordained to be poured out upon those who shall reverence thee in thy
house. And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth
from this house, armed with thy power, and thy name may be upon
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glorious tidings, in truth, unto the ends of the earth, that they may
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fulfill that which thou hast spoken by the mouths of the prophets,
concerning the last days. We ask thee, Holy Father, to establish the
people that shall worship and honorably hold a name and standing in
this thy house, to all generations, and for eternity, that no weapon
formed against them shall prosper; that he who diggeth a pit for them
shall fall into the same himself; that no combination of wickedness
shall have power to rise up and prevail over thy people upon whom thy
name shall be put in this house; and if any people shall rise against this
people, that thy anger be kindled against them, and if they shall smite
this people thou wilt smite them, thou wilt fight for thy people as thou
didst in the day of battle, that they may be delivered from the hands of
all their enemies.

"We ask thee, Holy Father, to confound, and astonish, and to bring to
shame and confusion, all those who have spread lying reports abroad,
over the world, against thy servant, or servants, if they will not repent
when the everlasting gospel shall be proclaimed in their ears, and that
all their works may be brought to naught, and be swept away by, the
hail, and by the judgments which thou wilt send upon them in thy
anger, that there may be an end to lyings and slanders against thy
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suffered these things; therefore we plead before thee a full and
complete deliverance from under this yoke; break it off, O Lord; break
it off from the necks of thy servants, by thy power, that we may rise up
in the midst of this generation and do thy work.

"O Jehovah, have mercy on this people, and as all men sin, forgive the
transgressions of thy people, and let them be blotted out forever. Let
the anointing of thy ministers be sealed upon them with power from on
high; let it be fulfilled upon them as upon those on the day of
pentecost; let the gift of tongues be poured out upon thy people, even
cloven tongues as of fire, and the interpretation thereof, and let thy
house be filled, as with a rushing mighty wind, with thy glory. Put
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and proclaim thy word, they may seal up the law, and prepare the
hearts of thy saints for all those judgments thou art about to send, in
thy wrath, upon the inhabitants of the earth, because of their
transgressions; that thy people may not faint in the day of trouble. And
whatsoever city thy servants shall enter, and the people of that city
receive their testimony, let thy peace and thy salvation be upon that
city, that they may gather out of that city the righteous, that they may
come forth to Zion, or to her stakes, the places of thy appointment,
with songs of everlasting joy; and until this be accomplished, let not
thy judgments fall upon this city. And whatsoever city thy servants
shall enter, and the people of that city receive not the testimony of thy
servants, and thy servants warn them to save themselves from this
untoward generation, let it be upon that city according to that which
thou hast spoken by the mouths of thy prophets; but deliver thou, O
Jehovah, we beseech thee, thy servants from their hands, and cleanse
them from their blood. O Lord, we delight not in the destruction of our
fellow men! Their souls are precious before thee; but thy word must be
fulfilled; help thy servants to say, with thy grace assisting them, thy
will be done, O Lord, and not ours. We know that thou hast spoken by
the mouth of thy prophets terrible things concerning the wicked, in the
last days—that thou wilt pour out thy judgments without measure;
therefore, O Lord, deliver thy people from the calamity of the wicked;
enable thy servants to seal up the law, and bind up the testimony, that
they may be prepared against the day of burning. We ask thee, Holy
Father, to remember those who have been driven (by the inhabitants of
Jackson county, Missouri), from the lands of their inheritance, and
break off, O Lord, this yoke of affliction that has been put upon them.
Thou knowest, O Lord, that they have been greatly oppressed and
afflicted by wicked men, and our hearts flow out with sorrow, because
of their grievous burdens. O Lord, how long wilt thou suffer this
people to bear this affliction, and the cries of their innocent ones to
ascend up in thine ears, and their blood come up in testimony before
thee, and not make a display of thy testimony in their behalf? Have
mercy, O Lord, upon that wicked mob, who have driven thy people,
that they may cease to spoil, that they may repent of their sins, if
repentance is to be found; but if they will not, make bare thine arm, O
Lord, and redeem that which thou didst appoint a Zion unto thy
people.

"And if it cannot be otherwise, that the cause of thy people may not
fail before thee, may thine anger be kindled, and thine indignation fall
upon them, that they may be wasted away, both root and branch, from
under heaven; but inasmuch as they will repent, thou art gracious and
merciful, and wilt turn away thy wrath, when thou lookest upon the
face of thine anointed. Have mercy, O Lord, upon all the nations of the
earth; have mercy upon the rulers of our land; may those principles
which were so honorably and nobly defended, viz.: the constitution of
our land, by our fathers, be established forever. Remember the kings,
the princes, the nobles, and the great ones of the earth, and all people,
and the churches, all the poor, the needy and afflicted ones of the earth,
that their hearts may be softened, when thy servants shall go out from
thy house, O Jehovah, to bear testimony of thy name, that their
prejudices may give way before the truth, and thy people may obtain
favor in the sight of all, that all the ends of the earth may know that we
thy servants have heard thy voice, and that thou hast sent us; that from
all these, thy servants, the sons of Jacob, may gather out the righteous
to build a holy city to thy name, as thou hast commanded them. We ask
thee to appoint unto Zion other stakes, besides this one which thou hast
appointed, that the gathering of thy people may roll on in great power
and majesty, that thy work may be cut short in righteousness. Now
these words, O Lord, we have spoken before thee, concerning the
revelations and commandments which thou hast given unto us, who
are identified with the Gentiles; but thou knowest that thou hast a great
love for the children of Jacob, who have been scattered upon the
mountains, for a long time, in a cloudy and dark day; we therefore ask
thee to have mercy upon the children of Jacob, that Jerusalem, from
this hour, may begin to be redeemed, and the yoke of bondage begin to
be broken off from the house of David, and the children of Judah may
begin to return to the lands which thou didst give to Abraham, their
father; and cause that the remnants of Jacob, who have been cursed
and smitten, because of their transgressions, be converted from their
wild and savage condition, to the fullness of the everlasting gospel,
that they may lay down their weapons of bloodshed, and cease their
rebellions; and may all the scattered remnants of Israel, who have been
driven to the ends of the earth, come to a knowledge of the truth,
believe in the Messiah, and be redeemed from oppression, and rejoice
before thee. O Lord, remember thy servant, Joseph Smith, Jr., and all
his afflictions and persecutions, how he has covenanted with Jehovah,
and vowed to thee, O mighty God of Jacob, and the commandments
which thou hast given unto him, and that he hath sincerely striven to
do thy will. Have mercy, O Lord, upon his wife and children, that they
may be exalted in thy presence, and preserved by thy fostering hand;
have mercy upon all their immediate connections, that their prejudices
may be broken up, and swept away as with a flood, that they may be
converted and redeemed with Israel, and know that thou art God.
Remember, O Lord, the presidents, even all the presidents of thy
church, that thy right hand may exalt them, with all their families, and
their immediate connections, that their names may be perpetuated, and
had in everlasting remembrance, from generation to generation.
Remember all thy church, O Lord, with all their families, and all their
immediate connections, with all their sick and afflicted ones, with all
the poor and meek of the earth, that the kingdom which thou hast set
up without hands, may become a great mountain, and fill the whole
earth; that thy church may come forth out of the wilderness of
darkness, and shine forth fair as the moon, clear as the sun, and terrible
as an army with banners, and be adorned as a bride for that day when
 thou shalt unveil the heavens, and cause the mountains to flow down at
thy presence, and the valleys to be exalted, the rough places made
smooth; that thy glory may fill the earth, that when the trump shall
sound for the dead, we shall be caught up in the cloud to meet thee,
that we may ever be with the Lord, that our garments may be pure, that
we may be clothed upon with robes of righteousness, with palms in our
hands, and crowns of glory upon our heads, and reap eternal joy for all
our sufferings.

"O Lord God Almighty, hear us in these petitions, and answer us from
heaven, thy holy habitation, where thou sittest enthroned, with glory,
honor, power, majesty, might, dominion, truth, justice, judgment,
mercy, and an infinity of fullness, from everlasting to everlasting. O
hear, O hear, O hear us, O Lord, and answer these petitions, and accept
the dedication of this house unto thee, the work of our hands, which
we have built unto thy name! And also this church, to put upon it thy
name; and help us by the power of thy spirit, that we may mingle our
voices with those bright shining seraphs around thy throne, with
acclamations of praise, singing hosanna to God and the Lamb; and let
these thine anointed ones be clothed with salvation, and thy saints
shout aloud for joy. Amen, and amen."

The choir then sang, "The spirit of God like a fire is burning," etc., after
which the Lord's supper was administered to the whole assembly. Then
President Joseph Smith bore testimony of his mission and of the
ministration of angels, and, after testimonials and exhortations by other
elders, he blest the congregation in the name of the Lord.

Thus ended the ceremonies of the dedication or the first temple built by
special command of the Most High, in this dispensation.

One striking feature of the ceremonies, was the grand shout of hosanna,
which was given by the whole assembly, in standing position, with uplifted
hands. The form of the shout is as follows: "Hosanna—hosanna—hosanna
—to God and the Lamb—amen—amen, and amen." The foregoing was
deliberately and emphatically pronounced, and three times repeated, and
with such power as seemed almost sufficient to raise the roof from the
building.
A singular incident in connection with this shout may be discredited by
some, but it is verily true. A notice had been circulated that children in arms
would not be admitted at the dedication of the temple. A sister who had
come a long distance with her babe, six weeks old, having, on her arrival,
heard of the above requisition, went to the patriarch Joseph Smith, Sr., in
great distress, saying that she knew no one with whom she could leave her
infant; and to be deprived of the privilege of attending the dedication
seemed more than she could endure. The ever generous and kind-hearted
father volunteered to take the responsibility on himself, and told her to take
her child, at the same time giving the mother a promise that her babe should
make no disturbance; and the promise was verified. But when the
congregation shouted hosanna, that babe joined in the shout. As marvelous
as that incident may appear to many, it is not more so than other
occurrences on that occasion.

The ceremonies of that dedication may be rehearsed, but no mortal

language can describe the heavenly manifestations of that memorable day.
Angels appeared to some, while a sense of divine presence was realized by
all present, and each heart was filled with "joy inexpressible and full of
glory."
 CHAPTER XIII.
THE ANCIENT ORDER OF BLESSINGS—
THE PROPHET'S FATHER—THE
PATRIARCH'S MOTHER—HIS FATHER—
KIRTLAND HIGH SCHOOL—APOSTASY
AND PERSECUTION—EXODUS OF THE
CHURCH.

Concerning affairs at Kirtland subsequent to the dedication of the temple,

and people and incidents of those times, Eliza R. Snow continues: With the
restoration of the fullness of the gospel came also the ancient order of
patriarchal blessings. Each father, holding the priesthood, stands as a
patriarch, at the head of his family, with invested right and power to bless
his household, and to predict concerning the future, on the heads of his
children, as did Jacob of old.

Inasmuch as many fathers have died without having conferred those

blessings, God, in the order of his kingdom, has made provisions to supply
the deficiency, by choosing men to officiate as patriarchs, whose province it
is to bless the fatherless. Joseph Smith, Sr., was ordained to this office, and
held the position of first patriarch in the church. He was also, by
appointment, president of the Kirtland stake of Zion, consequently the first
presiding officer in all general meetings for worship.

A few words descriptive of this noble man may not be deemed amiss in this
connection. Of a fine physique, he was more than ordinarily prepossessing
in personal appearance. His kind, affable, dignified and unassuming manner
naturally inspired strangers with feelings of love and reverence. To me he
was the veritable personification of my idea of the ancient Father Abraham.

In his decisions he was strictly just; what can be said of very few, may be
truly said of him, in judging between man and man: his judgment could not
be biased by either personal advantage, sympathy, or affection. Such a man
was worthy of being the father of the first prophet of the last dispensation;
while his amiable and affectionate consort, Mother Lucy Smith, was as
worthy of being the mother. Of her faith, faithfulness and untiring efforts in
labors of love and duty, until she was broken down by the weight of years
and sorrow, too much cannot be said.

I was present, on the 17th of May, when a messenger arrived and informed
the prophet Joseph that his grandmother, Mary Duty Smith, had arrived at
Fairport, on her way to Kirtland, and wished him to come for her. The
messenger stated that she said she had asked the Lord that she might live to
see her children and grandchildren once more. The prophet responded with
earnestness, "I wish she had set the time longer." I pondered in silence over
this remark, thinking there might be more meaning in the expression than
the words indicated, which was proven by the result, for she only lived a
few days after her arrival. She was in the ninety-fourth year of her age—in
appearance not over seventy-five. She had not been baptized, on account of
the opposition of her oldest son, Jesse, who was a bitter enemy to the work.
She said to Mother Lucy Smith, "I am going to have your Joseph baptize
me, and my Joseph (the patriarch) bless me."

Her husband, Israel Smith, died in St. Lawrence county, New York, after
having received the Book of Mormon, and read it nearly through. He had,
long before, predicted that a prophet would be raised up in his family, and
was satisfied that his grandson was that prophet. The venerable widow was
also well assured of the fact.

The next day after her arrival at the house of the prophet, where she was
welcomed with every manifestation of kindness and affection, her children,
grandchildren and great-grandchildren—all who were residents of Kirtland,
and two of her sons, who arrived with her—came together to enjoy with her
a social family meeting; and a happy one it was—a season of pure
reciprocal conviviality, in which her buoyancy of spirit greatly augmented
the general joy. Let the reader imagine for a moment this aged matron,
surrounded by her four sons, Joseph, Asael, Silas and John, all of them, as
well as several of her grandsons, upwards of six feet in height, with a score
of great-grandchildren of various sizes intermixed; surely the sight was not
an uninteresting one. To her it was very exciting—too much so for her
years. Feverish symptoms, which were apparent on the following day,
indicated that her nervous system had been overtaxed. She took her bed,
and survived but a few days. I was with her, and saw her calmly fall asleep.
About ten minutes before she expired, she saw a group of angels in the
room; and pointing towards them she exclaimed, "O, how beautiful! but
they do not speak." It would seem that they were waiting to escort her spirit
to its bright abode.

But to return to the temple. After its dedication, the "Kirtland High School"
was taught in the attic story, by H. M. Hawes, professor of Greek and Latin.
The school numbered from one hundred and thirty to one hundred and forty
students, divided into three departments—the classics, where only
languages were taught; the English department, where mathematics,
common arithmetic, geography, English grammar, reading and writing were
taught; and the juvenile department. The two last were under assistant
instructors. The school was commenced in November, 1836, and the
progress of the several classes, on examinations before trustees of the
school, parents and guardians, was found to be of the highest order.

Not only did the Almighty manifest his acceptance of that house, at its
dedication, but an abiding holy heavenly influence was realized; and many
extraordinary manifestations of his power were experienced on subsequent
occasions. Not only were angels often seen within, but a pillar of light was
several times seen resting down upon the roof.

Besides being devoted to general meetings for worship and the celebration
of the Lord's Supper every first day of the week, the temple was occupied
by crowded assemblies on the first Thursday in each month, that day being
observed strictly, by the Latter-day Saints, as a day of fasting and prayer.
These, called fast-meetings, were hallowed and interesting beyond the
power of language to describe. Many, many were the pentecostal seasons of
the outpouring of the spirit of God on those days, manifesting the gifts of
the gospel and the power of healing, prophesying, speaking in tongues, the
interpretation of tongues, etc. I have there seen the lame man, on being
administered to, throw aside his crutches and walk home perfectly healed;
and not only were the lame made to walk, but the blind to see, the deaf to
hear, the dumb to speak, and evil spirits to depart.
On those fast days, the curtains, or veils, mentioned in a preceding chapter,
which intersected at right angles, were dropped, dividing the house into four
equal parts. Each of these sections had a presiding officer, and the meeting
in each section was conducted as though no other were in the building,
which afforded opportunity for four persons to occupy the same time. These
meetings commenced early in the day and continued without intermission
till four P.M. One hour previous to dismissal, the veils were drawn up and
the four congregations brought together, and the people who, in the forepart
of the day were instructed to spend much of the time in prayer, and to
speak, sing and pray, mostly in our own language, lest a spirit of enthusiasm
should creep in, were permitted, after the curtains were drawn, to speak or
sing in tongues, prophesy, pray, interpret tongues, exhort or preach,
however they might feel moved upon to do. Then the united faith of the
saints brought them into close fellowship with the spirits of the just, and
earth and heaven seemed in close proximity.

On fast days, Father Smith's constant practice was to repair to the temple
very early, and offer up his prayers before sunrise, and there await the
coming of the people; and so strictly disciplined himself in the observance
of fasting, as not even to wet his lips with water until after the dismissal of
the meeting at four P.M. One morning, when he opened meeting, he prayed
fervently that the spirit of the Most High might be poured out as it was at
Jerusalem, on the day of pentecost—that it might come "like a mighty
rushing wind." It was not long before it did come, to the astonishment of
all, and filled the house. It appeared as though the old gentleman had
forgotten what he had prayed for. When it came, he was greatly surprised,
and exclaimed, "What! is the house on fire?"

While the faithful saints were enjoying those supernal privileges, "the
accuser of the brethren" did not sleep. Apostasy, with its poisonous fangs,
crept into the hearts of some who but a few months before were in quorum
meetings, when heavenly hosts appeared; and where, in all humility of soul,
they united with their brethren in sublime shouts of hosanna to God and the
Lamb. And now, full of pride and self-conceit, they join hands with our
enemies and take the lead in mobocracy against the work which they had
advocated with all the energies of their souls.
What a strange and fearful metamorphosis! How suddenly people become
debased when, having grieved away the spirit of God, the opposite takes
possession of their hearts! We read that angels have fallen, and that one of
our Saviour's chosen twelve was Judas, the traitor. Inasmuch as the same
causes produce the same effects in all ages, it is no wonder that Joseph
Smith, in introducing the same principles, should have to suffer what was to
the philosophic Paul the greatest of all trials—that among false brethren.

Illegal, vexatious lawsuits, one after another, were successively instituted,

and the leading officers of the church dragged into court, creating great
annoyance and expenditure. This not being sufficient to satisfy the greed of
persecution, the lives of some of the brethren were sought, and they left
Kirtland, and sought safety in the West.

At this time my father was residing one mile south of the temple. About
twelve o'clock one bitter cold night he was startled by a knock at the door,
and who should enter but Father Smith, the patriarch! A State's warrant had
been served on him for an alleged crime, and the officer in whose custody
he was placed, although an enemy to the church, knowing the old
gentleman to be innocent, had preconcerted a stratagem by which he had
been let down from a window in the room to which he had taken him,
ostensibly for private consultation but purposely to set him at liberty,
having previously prepared a way by which he could reach the ground
uninjured. He also told him where to go for safety, directing him to my
father's house. The officer returned to the court-room as though Father
Smith followed in the rear, when, on a sudden, he looked back, and not
seeing his prisoner, he hurried back to the private room, examining every
point, and returned in great apparent amazement and confusion, declaring
that the prisoner had gone in an unaccountable manner, saying, ludicrously,
"This, gentlemen, is another Mormon miracle." No vigorous search was
made—all must have been convinced that the proceedings were as unjust as
illegal. To return to my father's house: We were proud of our guest, and all
of the family took pleasure in anticipating and supplying his wants. He
remained with us two weeks, and in the meantime settled up all his business
matters, and, having been joined by his youngest son, Don Carlos, and five
other brethren, whose lives had been threatened, he bade a final adieu to
Kirtland, at one hour past midnight, on the 21st of December, 1837. The
night was intensely cold, but, as they had no conveyance except one horse,
they had sufficient walking exercise to prevent freezing. They found a few
Latter-day Saints in a southern county of Ohio, where they stayed till
spring, when they left for Missouri.

The pressure of opposition increased, and before spring the prophet and his
brother Hyrum had to leave; and, in the spring and summer of 1838, the
most of the church followed; leaving our homes, and our sacred, beautiful
temple, the sanctuary of the Lord God of Hosts.
 CHAPTER XIV.
AN ILLUSTRIOUS MORMON WOMAN—
THE FIRST WIFE OF THE IMMORTAL
HEBER C. KIMBALL—OPENING
CHAPTER OF HER AUTOBIOGRAPHY—
HER WONDERFUL VISION—AN ARMY
OF ANGELS SEEN IN THE HEAVENS.

One of the very queens of Mormondom, and a woman beloved by the

whole church, during her long eventful lifetime, was the late Vilate
Kimball. To-day she sleeps by the side of her great husband, for Heber C.
Kimball was one of the world's remarkable men. He soon followed her to
the grave; a beautiful example she of the true love existing between two
kindred souls notwithstanding polygamy. Her sainted memory is enshrined
in the hearts of her people, and ever will be as long as the record of the
sisters endures.

"My maiden name," she says, in her autobiography, "was Vilate Murray. I
am the youngest daughter of Roswell and Susannah Murray. I was born in
Florida, Montgomery county, New York, June 1st, 1806. I was married to
Heber Chase Kimball November 7, 1822, having lived until that time with
my parents in Victor, Ontario county.

"After marriage my husband settled in Mendon, Monroe county. Here we

resided until we gathered in Kirtland in the fall of 1833.

"About three weeks before we heard of the latter-day work we were

baptized into the Baptist Church.

"Five elders of the Church of Latter-day Saints came to the town of Victor,
which was five miles from Mendon, and stopped at the house of Phineas
Young, the brother of Brigham. Their names were Eleazer Miller, Elial
Strong, Alpheus Gifford, Enos Curtis and Daniel Bowen.
"Hearing of these men, curiosity prompted Mr. Kimball to go and see them.
Then for the first time he heard the fullness of the everlasting gospel and
was convinced of its truth. Brigham Young was with him.

"At their meetings Brigham and Heber saw the manifestations of the spirit
and heard the gift of speaking and singing in tongues. They were
constrained by the spirit to bear testimony to the truth, and when they did
this the power of God rested upon them.

"Desiring to hear more of the saints, in January, 1832, Heber took his horses
and sleigh and started for Columbia, Bradford county, Penn., a distance of
one hundred and twenty-five miles. Brigham and Phineas Young and their
wives went with him.

"They stayed with the church about six days, saw the power of God
manifested and heard the gift of tongues, and then returned rejoicing,
bearing testimony to the people by the way. They were not baptized,
however, until the following spring. Brigham was baptized on Sunday, April
14th, 1832, by Eleazer Miller, and Heber C. Kimball was baptized the next
day.

"Just two weeks from that time I was baptized by Joseph Young, with
several others.

"The Holy Ghost fell upon Heber so greatly, that he said it was like a
consuming fire. He felt as though he was clothed in his right mind and sat at
the feet of Jesus; but the people called him crazy. He continued thus for
months, till it seemed his flesh would consume away. The Scriptures were
unfolded to his mind in such a wonderful manner by the spirit of revelation
that he said it seemed he had formerly been familiar with them.

"Brigham Young and his wife Miriam, with their two little girls, Elizabeth
and Vilate, were at the time living at our house; but soon after her baptism
Miriam died. In her expiring moments, she clapped her hands and praised
the Lord, and called on all around to help her praise him; and when her
voice was too weak to be heard, her lips and hands were seen moving until
she expired.
"This was another testimony to them of the powerful effect of the
everlasting gospel, showing that we shall not die, but will sleep and come
forth in the resurrection and rejoice with her in the flesh.

"Her little girls sister Miriam left to my care, and I did all I could to be a
mother to her little ones to the period of our gathering to Kirtland, and the
marriage of Brigham to Miss Mary Ann Angell.

"The glorious death of sister Miriam caused us to rejoice in the midst of

affliction. But enemies exulted over our loss and threw many obstacles in
the way of our gathering with the saints.

"To my husband's great surprise some of the neighbors issued attachments

against his goods; yet he was not indebted to any of them to the value of
five cents, while there were some hundreds of dollars due to him. However,
he left his own debts uncollected, settled their unjust claims, and gathered
to Kirtland with the saints about the last of September, 1832, in company
with Brigham Young.

"Here I will relate a marvelous incident, of date previous to our entering the
church.

"On the night of the 22d of September, 1827, while living in the town of
Mendon, after we retired to bed, John P. Green, who was then a traveling
Reformed Methodist preacher, living within one hundred steps of our
house, came and called my husband to come out and see the sight in the
heavens. Heber awoke me, and Sister Fanny Young (sister of Brigham),
who was living with us, and we all went out of doors.

"It was one of the most beautiful starlight nights, so clear we could see to
pick up a pin. We looked to the eastern horizon, and beheld a white smoke
arise towards the heavens. As it ascended, it formed into a belt, and made a
noise like the rushing wind, and continued southwest, forming a regular
bow, dipping in the western horizon.

"After the bow had formed, it began to widen out, growing transparent, of a
bluish cast. It grew wide enough to contain twelve men abreast. In this bow
an army moved, commencing from the east and marching to the west. They
continued moving until they reached the western horizon. They moved in
platoons, and walked so close the rear ranks trod in the steps of their file
leaders, until the whole bow was literally crowded with soldiers.

"We could distinctly see the muskets, bayonets and knapsacks of the men,
who wore caps and feathers like those used by the American soldiers in the
last war with Great Britain. We also saw their officers with their swords and
equipage, and heard the clashing and jingling of their instruments of war,
and could discern the form and features of the men. The most profound
order existed throughout the entire army. When the foremost man stepped,
every man stepped at the same time. We could hear their steps.

"When the front rank reached the western horizon, a battle ensued, as we
could hear the report of the arms, and the rush.

"None can judge of our feelings as we beheld this army of spirits as plainly
as ever armies of men were seen in the flesh. Every hair of our heads
seemed alive.

"We gazed upon this scenery for hours, until it began to disappear.

"After we became acquainted with Mormonism, we learned that this took

place the same evening that Joseph Smith received the records of the Book
of Mormon from the angel Moroni, who had held those records in his
possession.

"Father Young, and John P. Green's wife (Brigham's sister Rhoda), were
also witnesses of this marvelous scene.

"Frightened at what we saw, I said, Father Young, what does all this mean?
He answered, Why it is one of the signs of the coming of the Son of Man.

"The next night a similar scene was beheld in the west, by the neighbors,
representing armies of men engaged in battle.

"After our gathering to Kirtland the church was in a state of poverty and
distress. It appeared almost impossible that the commandment to build the
temple could be fulfilled, the revelation requiring it to be erected by a
certain period.

"The enemies were raging, threatening destruction upon the saints; the
brethren were under guard night and day to preserve the prophet's life, and
the mobs in Missouri were driving our people from Jackson county.

"In this crisis the 'Camp of Zion' was organized to go to the defence of the
saints in Jackson, Heber being one of the little army. On the 5th of May,
1834, they started. It was truly a solemn morning on which my husband
parted from his wife, children and friends, not knowing that we should ever
meet again in the flesh. On the 26th of July, however, the brethren returned
from their expedition.

"The saints now labored night and day to build the house of the Lord, the
sisters knitting and spinning to clothe those who labored upon it.

"When the quorum of the twelve apostles was called, my husband was
chosen one of them, and soon he was out with the rest of the apostles
preaching the gospel of the last days; but they returned on the 27th of the
following September and found their families and friends enjoying good
health and prosperity.

"The temple was finished and dedicated on the 27th of March, 1836. It was
a season of great rejoicing, indeed, to the saints, and great and marvelous
were the manifestations and power in the Lord's house. Here I will relate a
vision of the prophet concerning the twelve apostles of this dispensation,
for whose welfare his anxiety had been very great.

"He saw the twelve going forth, and they appeared to be in a far distant
land; after some time they unexpectedly met together, apparently in great
tribulation, their clothes all ragged, and their knees and feet sore. They
formed into a circle, and all stood with their eyes fixed on the ground. The
Saviour appeared and stood in their midst and wept over them, and wanted
to show himself to them, but they did not discover him.

"He saw until they had accomplished their work and arrived at the gate of
the celestial city. There Father Adam stood and opened the gate to them,
and as they entered he embraced them one by one, and kissed them. He then
led them to the throne of God, and then the Saviour embraced each of them
in the presence of God. He saw that they all had beautiful heads of hair and
all looked alike. The impression this vision left on Brother Joseph's mind
was of so acute a nature, that he never could refrain from weeping while
rehearsing it.

"On the l0th of May, 1836, my husband again went East on a mission, and I
made a visit to my friends in Victor, where Heber and I met, and after
spending a few days, returned to Ohio, journeying to Buffalo, where a
magistrate came forward and paid five dollars for our passage to Fairport.

"The passengers were chiefly Swiss emigrants. After sitting and hearing
them some time, the spirit of the Lord came upon my husband so that he
was enabled to preach to them in their own language, though of himself he
knew not a word of their language. They seemed much pleased, and treated
him with great kindness.

"We returned to Kirtland to find a spirit of speculation in the church, and

apostacy growing among some of the apostles and leading elders. These
were perilous times indeed.

"In the midst of this my husband was called on his mission to Great Britain,
this being the first foreign mission.

"One day while Heber was seated in the front stand in the Kirtland temple,
the prophet Joseph opened the door and came and whispered in his ear,
'Brother Heber, the spirit of the Lord has whispered to me, let my servant
Heber go to England and proclaim the gospel, and open the door of
salvation.'"

Here we may digress a moment from Sister Vilate's story, to illustrate the
view of the apostles "opening the door of salvation to the nations," and
preaching the gospel in foreign lands without purse or scrip.

At a later period the Mormon apostles and elders have deemed it as nothing
to take missions to foreign lands, but in 1837, before the age of railroads
and steamships had fairly come, going to Great Britain on mission was very
like embarking for another world; and the apostolic proposition to gather a
people from foreign lands and many nations to form a latter-day Israel, and
with these disciples to build up a Zion on this continent, was in seeming the
maddest undertaking possible in human events. This marvelous scheme of
the Mormon prophet, with many others equally bold and strangely
uncommon for modern times, shall be fully treated in the book of his own
life, but it is proper to throw into prominence the wondrous apostolic
picture of Heber C. Kimball "opening the door of salvation to the nations
that sat in darkness;" and for the gathering of an Israel from every people
and from every tongue. Relative to this, by far the greatest event in' his life,
Heber says, in his family journals:

"The idea of being appointed to such an important mission was almost more
than I could bear up under. I felt my weakness and was nearly ready to sink
under it, but the moment I understood the will of my heavenly Father, I felt
a determination to go at all hazards, believing that he would support me by
his almighty power, and although my family were dear to me, and I should
have to leave them almost destitute, I felt that the cause of truth, the gospel
of Christ, outweighed every other consideration. At this time many faltered
in their faith, some of the twelve were in rebellion against the prophet of
God. John Boynton said to me, if you are such a d—d fool as to go at the
call of the fallen prophet, I will not help you a dime, and if you are cast on
Van Dieman's Land I will not make an effort to help you. Lyman E. Johnson
said he did not want me to go on my mission, but if I was determined to go,
he would help me all he could; he took his cloak from off his back and put
it on mine. Brother Sidney Rigdon, Joseph Smith, Sr., Brigham Young,
Newel K. Whitney and others said go and do as the prophet has told you
and you shall prosper and be blessed with power to do a glorious work.
Hyrum, seeing the condition of the church, when he talked about my
mission wept like a little child; he was continually blessing and encouraging
me, and pouring out his soul in prophesies upon my head; he said go and
you shall prosper as not many have prospered."

"A short time previous to my husband's starting," continues Sister Vilate,

"he was prostrated on his bed from a stitch in his back, which suddenly
seized him while chopping and drawing wood for his family, so that he
could not stir a limb without exclaiming, from the severeness of the pain.
Joseph Smith hearing of it came to see him, bringing Oliver Cowdery and
Bishop Partridge with him. They prayed for and blessed him, Joseph being
mouth, beseeching God to raise him up, &c. He then took him by the right
hand and said, 'Brother Heber, I take you by your right hand, in the name of
Jesus Christ of Nazareth, and by virtue of the holy priesthood vested in me,
I command you, in the name of Jesus Christ, to rise, and be thou made
whole.' He arose from his bed, put on his clothes, and started with them,
and went up to the temple, and felt no more of the pain afterwards.

"At length the day for the departure of my husband arrived. It was June
13th, 1837. He was in the midst of his family, blessing them, when Brother
R. B. Thompson, who was to accompany him two or three hundred miles,
came in to ascertain when Heber would start. Brother Thompson, in after
years, writing an account in Heber's journal of his first mission to Great
Britain, in its preface thus describes that solemn family scene: 'The door
being partly open I entered and felt struck with the sight which presented
itself to my view. I would have retired, thinking I was intruding, but I felt
riveted to the spot. The father was pouring out his soul to

That God who rules on high,

Who all the earth surveys;
That rides upon the stormy sky,
And calms the roaring seas,

"that he would grant unto him a prosperous voyage across the mighty
ocean, and make him useful wherever his lot should be cast, and that he
who careth for the sparrows, and feedeth the young ravens when they cry,
would supply the wants of his wife and little ones in his absence. He then,
like the patriarchs, and by virtue of his office, laid his hands upon their
heads individually, leaving a father's blessing upon them, and commending
them to the care and protection of God, while he should be engaged
preaching the gospel in foreign lands. While thus engaged his voice was
almost lost in the sobs of those around, who tried in vain to suppress them.
The idea of being separated from their protector and father for so long a
time, was indeed painful. He proceeded, but his heart was too much
affected to do so regularly; his emotions were great, and he was obliged to
stop at intervals, while the big tears rolled down his cheeks, an index to the
feelings which reigned in his bosom. My heart was not stout enough to
refrain; in spite of myself I wept and mingled my tears with theirs at the
same time. I felt thankful that I had the privilege of contemplating such a
scene. I realized that nothing could induce that man to tear himself from so
affectionate a family group—from his partner and children who were so
dear to him—but a sense of duty and love to God and attachment to his
cause.'

"At nine o'clock in the morning of this never-to-be-forgotten-day,"

continues Sister Vilate, "Heber bade adieu to his brethren and friends and
started without purse or scrip to preach the gospel in a foreign land. He was
accompanied by myself and children, and some of the brethren and sisters,
to Fairport. Sister Mary Fielding, who became afterwards the wife of
Hyrum Smith, gave him five dollars, with which Heber paid the passage of
himself and Brother Hyde to Buffalo. They were also accompanied by her
and Brother Thompson and his wife (Mary Fielding's sister), who were
going on a mission to Canada. Heber himself was accompanied to Great
Britain by Elders Orson Hyde, Willard Richards, J. Goodson and J. Russell,
and Priest Joseph Fielding."

Here, for the present, we must leave Brother Heber to prosecute his
important mission, and this illustrious woman to act her part alone as an
apostle's wife, while we introduce others of the sisters, and follow the
church through its scenes of persecution and removal from Missouri to
Illinois.
 CHAPTER XV.
HAUN'S MILL—JOSEPH YOUNG'S
STORY OF THE MASSACRE—SISTER
AMANDA SMITH'S STORY OF THAT
TERRIBLE TRAGEDY—HER WOUNDED
BOY'S MIRACULOUS CURE—HER
FINAL ESCAPE FROM MISSOURI.

Towards the close of October, 1838, several small detachments of migrants

from Ohio entered the State of Missouri. They were of the refugees from
Kirtland. Their destinations were the counties of Caldwell and Davies,
where the saints had located in that State.

Haun's Mill, in Caldwell county, was soon to become the scene of one of
the darkest tragedies on record.

The mill was owned by a Mormon brother whose name it bore, and in the
neighborhood some Mormon families had settled.

To Haun's Mill came the doomed refugees.

They had been met on their entrance into the State of Missouri by armed
mobs. Governor Boggs had just issued his order to exterminate the entire
Mormon community.

The coming of the refugees into the inhospitable State could not have been
more ill-timed, though when they left Kirtland they expected to find a
brotherhood in Far West.

"Halt!" commanded the leader of a band of well-mounted and well-armed

mobocrats, who charged down upon them as they journeyed on their way.

"If you proceed any farther west," said the captain, "you will be instantly
shot."
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