H

ACPL ITEM , LAURA SCHLESSINGER

Understanding and
Healing Homosexuality
RICHARD COHEN, h
 SOMEONE YOU KNOW
NEEDS THIS BOOK!
ichard Cohen, a former horaosexual,

R now married
struggled for most of his
wanted same-sex attractions.
with three
life

He tried desper-
children,
with un-

ately to find professionals who understood his

condition and help him heal. Because 'ht was
so difficult to explain myself to therapists, who
didnt have a clue,” Cohen eventually became a
psychotherapist and developed both a ground-
breaking understanding of same-sex attrac-
tions and a comprehensive treatment plan for
healing homosexuality. Coming Out Straight
not only details Cohen’s personal journey out
of homosexuality but also recounts his experi-
ences helping thousands of men, women, and
adolescents heal their gender identity.
Recognizing that the “gay rights move-
ment” has done a great service in bringing the
issue of homosexuality out of the closet and
into the light, Cohen points out that in the
name of tolerance, society has now succumbed
to acceptance. “If we embrace someone’s
homosexuality as normal and natural, their
potential for wholeness will remain dormant
beneath their emotional wounds. It’s not bad to
have same-sex attractions, as they represent a
drive to heal unmet love needs. However, act-
ing upon them leads to frustration and pain.”
In simple language. Coming Out Straight
presents the basic causes of same-sex attrac-
tions, a clear model for recovery, and stories of
individuals who made the change. The book
has three parts: In Part I, the author shares his
own story and the root causes of same-sex
attractions. Part II presents a four-stage model
of recovery and healing. Part III discusses the
healing of homophobia by overcoming fear
and hatred of homosexuality.
While the book is meant to educate thera-
pists, clergy, and other professionals, it also
assists those who struggle with their own same-
sex attractions, as well as their loved ones.
Coming Out Straight sets forth an easy to un-
derstand primer on homosexuality both for
family members and friends of homosexuals,
as well as for the general public , h will open
the door to a new, happier, and f,: Pilling het-
erosexual life.
 mi tr' I IPQi^pY

acpl item
DISCAROEO

JUL 5 2000
 Digitized by the Internet Archive
in 2017 with funding from
Kahle/Austin Foundation

https://archive.org/details/isbn_97818.86939417
COMING OUT STRAIGHT
 1.

Four Stages of Healing Homosexuality

Transitioning (Behavioral therapy)

2. f
• Cutting off from sexual behavior •

• Developing a support network •

* Building self-worth and experiencing value in relationship with God •

Grounding (Cognitive therapy)

• Continuing with the support network ®

® Continuing to build self-worth and experience

value in relationship with God *

® Building skills: assertiveness training, communication skills,

problem-solving techniques •

® Beginning inner-child healing: identifying thoughts, feelings, and needs •

3. Healing the Homo-Emotional Wounds (Psychodynamic therapy)

* Continuing all tasks of Stage Two

• Discovering the root causes of homo-emotional wounds •

• Beginning the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking responsibility •

• Developing healthy, healing same-sex relationships •

4. Healing the Hetero-Emotional Wounds (Psychodynamic therapy)

f
* Continuing all tasks of Stage Two •

• Discovering the root causes of hetero-emotional wounds •

• Continuing the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking responsibility •

• Developing healthy, healing opposite-sex relationships

and learning about the opposite sex •
Coming Out Straight
Understanding and Healing
Homosexuality

RICHARD COHEN, M.A.

Foreword by
Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Oakhill Press
WINCHESTER, VIRGINIA
© 2000 Richard Cohen
All rights reserved. Reproduction or translation of any part of this work beyond that
permitted by Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act without
the permission of the copyright owner is unlawful. Requests for permission or further
information should be addressed to the Permissions Department, Oakhill Press.
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in
regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the pub-
lisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional service. If
legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent profes-
sional person should be sought. From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a
committee of the American Bar Association and a committee ofpublishers.
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publica-
tion may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted,
in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or
otherwise) without the prior written permission of the publisher of this book.

10 987654321
Cover photo: Richard and Jae Sook Cohen

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Cohen, Richard, 1952—

Coming Out Straight : Understanding and Healing Homosexuality / Richard
Cohen; foreword by Laura Schlessinger.

p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references (p.) and index.
ISBN 1-886939-41-1
1. Homosexuality. 2. Gays— Mental health. 3. Psychoanalysis and homosexu-
ality. 4. Cohen, Richard A., 1952- I. Title.

RC558.C642000
306.76'6— dc2 1 00-02 1 844

Oakhill Press
461 Layside Drive
Winchester, VA 22602
800-32-Books
Printed in the United States of America
 Dedication

T his book
homosexuality.
represents
I
my life’s work and
therefore dedicate this book:
my personal journey out of

To God, who has always been present, guiding me each step of the way.

To Jae Sook, Jarish, Jessica, and Alfred, my devoted and loving family,
who stood with me through it all.

To my parents, Samuel and Lorna Cohen, who did their best and gave
their all. Dad, thanks for defending our freedom.

To all the men and women I have had the privilege of assisting on their
journey toward wholeness, you have been my teachers.

To all those who have generously contributed to the work of the Inter-
national Healing Foundation, you are my champions.

To the many men and women who loved me and helped me get this
far. So far.

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart and soul.

 . 1

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 Contents
Foreword: Dr. Laura Schlessinger ix

Preface xi

Acknowledgments xvii

Part I: UNDERSTANDING
1 . My Story: Coming Out Straight 3
2. Definitions and Causes of Same-Sex Attractions 17
3. Steve 55

Part II: HEALING

4. Process of Healing: Four Stages of Recovery 63
5 . Christian 101
6. Therapeutic Tools and Techniques 107
7. Mark 169
8. Anger: Accessing Personal Power 173
9. Joseph 179
10. Touch: The Need for Bonding and Attachment 183
1 1 . Bonnie 191
12. Mentoring: Restoring Love 199
13. Slade 217

Part III: COMPASSION

14. Healing Homophobia: A Positive Response 227
15. Guidance for Family and Friends 239
16. A Final Thought 247

Notes 249
Glossary 255
References 259
National Resources for Healing Homosexuality 267
Resource Materials 271
Index 275
About the Author 293
 1

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 Foreword

W
successfully
e live in a world in which the
through aggressive lobbying and successful strategic
managed to infiltrate and
radical

effect
homosexual activists have,

change in government, pub-

initiatives,

lic schools, churches, and even in our scientific institutes. Slowly and ever
so surely, they are deconstructing the conventional family in order to ac-
commodate their own personal desires and political goals. In the name of
human rights and equality, the extremists in the homosexual community
have altered the fundamental fabric of cultural and moral norms.
They espouse freedom, compassion, and tolerance as their mantra, but
reserve the harshest of criticisms for those who question their political goals.
To revere the composition of the traditional family is to preach hate and in-

tolerance. And to lament the celebration of sexual deviancy and license is to

persecute innocent people. The strategy behind this powerful and promi-
nent campaign is nothing short of brilliant. The wordsleuths have not
merely mastered the art of persuasion, they have captured the English lan-
guage and managed to alter the framework of it in such a way as to position

that if you are not with them, you are automatically against them.
In my very public and God-centered stance opposing the practice of
homosexuality, I have been labeled as evil and closed-minded. If anything,

I advocate tolerance and compassion for those burdened with same-sex at-

tractions. When parents of homosexual kids call my show, I genuinely en-

courage them to love and accept their children. When I started my radio
career a hundred-or-so years ago, I was just about the only person on air

who took calls from homosexuals and lesbians and simply talked about
life issues. Since this time, I have not lost one iota of compassion or toler-

ance for these individuals.

Simply because I am opposed to legislating homosexual marriage and
adoption, I am labeled a Nazi. The irony here is that I have many, many
homosexual fans that concur with my stance, as evidenced by the multi-
tude of support letters and faxes I receive from them. A nice little Jewish
girl from Brooklyn, likened to Hitler simply because she reveres the Bible
 FOREWORD
and determines morality by the words of God. Can you believe the

rhetoric here? I recently had a civilized dialogue with a prominent leader

of the homosexual movement. Though neither of us shifted from our di-

ametrically opposed principles, we ended the discussion with not only

hugs, but also an apparent mutual respect resulting from the intelligent
and heartfelt conversation — or so I thought.
Days later and much to my dismay, this woman of whom I thought so
fondly distorted my words, initiated a crusade to censor me, and targeted
me a hatemonger. Label me as you will, but never color me hateful. I care

deeply for any individuals struggling with personal and spiritual turmoil.
I cannot begin to fathom the isolation that a young teenage girl must face

when she starts to question her own sexuality. I cannot comprehend the
depths of despair a God-fearing young man feels when pained with desires
of another male.
Though they would like you to believe otherwise, the homosexual ac-
tivists do not concern themselves with the welfare of individuals. They are

not dedicated to the betterment of society or the freedom of the people.

What these zealots really want to do is shove everyone who believes dif-

ferently than they into the closet and throw away the key. Like many other
fringe extremist groups, they are concerned with furthering a political

agenda and rebuilding the infrastructure of traditional morality.

The fruits of their labors were seen when the American Psychological
Association adopted a policy opposing reparative therapy for homosexual-
ity: “In 1990 the American Psychological Association stated that scientific
evidence does not show that conversion therapy works and that it can do
more harm than good.”^ Years later, the American Psychiatric Association
followed suit.

It is my contention that, with the help of God and some intestinal for-

titude, many can change their lives if they choose to do so. Coming Out
Straight: Understanding and Healing Homosexuality is a provocative and
compassionate confirmation of this truth. And Richard Cohen is living,

breathing, loving testimony to his own assertions that homosexuality can

be cured and anyone willing to make that change has the right to do so.

With intellect and care, he offers invaluable insight into the reason for

same-sex attractions and, for those willing to brave it, he illuminates a

challenging journey from the isolation.

— Dr. Laura Schlessinger

X
 Preface

“In American society, everything is tolerated except those who do not tolerate
”
everything.

—^Anonymous

• No one is born homosexual.

There is no scientific data to support a genetic or biologic basis for same-

sex attractions.

• No one chooses to have same-sex attractions.

They are the result of unresolved childhood trauma that leads to gender
confusion.

• Anyone can choose to change.

No one is born this way.

• What was learned can be unlearned.

When the wounds are healed and the unmet needs fulfilled, gender iden-
tity will be experienced and heterosexual desires will ensue.

• It s not gay, nor bad, it’s SSAD — Same-Sex Attachment Disorder.

There is nothing ‘‘gay” about the homosexual lifestyle; it is full of

heartaches and most often an endless pursuit of love through codependent
relationships.

It is not bad to have same-sex attractions, as they represent a drive to

heal unmet love needs. However, acting upon the desires leads to frustra-
tion and pain.
It’s a SSAD lifestyle, whereby the individual is disidentified with his
own masculinity or her own femininity and tries desperately to fill the
deficit by joining with someone of the same sex.
 PREFACE

In this book I will present the basic causes of same-sex attractions, a

clear model of recovery, and stories of individuals who made the change.
Anyone can accomplish whatever he or she wants. With a strong determi-

nation, the love of God, and the support of others, healing is possible. Of
course, at the present time, many will say that no one can come out of ho-
mosexuality. This is a myth. Change is possible.

During summer vacations, while in junior and senior high school, I

worked as a volunteer at the Inglis House, “The Philadelphia Home for

Incurables.” (Since then, fortunately, they have changed the name!) This
was a home for people with cerebral palsy, muscular dystrophy, multiple
sclerosis (MS), and other physical disabilities. I became friends with a

woman named Sarah. MS struck her in the prime of her life. Previously,

she had been a concert pianist.

She inspired me to play the piano. In 1968, at the age of sixteen, I

began studying with Dr. Nagy. After studying with him for three months,
I heard the “Moonlight Sonata” by Beethoven. It captivated me, and I de-
termined to learn it. When I told him of my desire, he said, “No. That’s
nonsense. You won’t be ready to play that piece for years.” Well, that was
his opinion.

I went straight to the store and purchased the music. It took several
weeks for me to wade through the notes, but somehow my hands remem-
bered what my mind could not retain. My fingers knew just where to go,
and my heart sang each time I played it.

Finally, after a month or so, I decided to play the piece for Dr. Nagy.
Well, you can imagine his surprise. I will never forget the look on his face.

“Who taught you to play this?” “I did.” That was the beginning of our real

work together as teacher and student. He then believed in my talent and

helped me learn simultaneously advanced and beginner pieces. After two
years of intensive training and diligent practice, I entered college as a
piano major.
I learned from this experience that anyone can accomplish whatever he
wants, if he has a burning desire and does not let what “they” say stand in
his way. For those who always say nay are merely afraid to embark on the
journey themselves.
Everything starts from an idea. Then add burning desire, make a plan,
and follow through with continuous efforts toward the goal. It does not
matter how many times he may fall down or fail. These are merely tem-
porary roadblocks. There is no failure; there is only feedback. Thomas
Edison discovered 3,032 ways how NOT to invent the light bulb before

xii
 PREFACE

reaching his goal. The key, therefore, is to keep going. Just pick himself up

and try another way.

The reason I am a good therapist or fellow journeyman is because I

have made just about every mistake humanly possible. I am not proud of
this. But I didn’t let anything or anyone stand in the way of my breaking

through and figuring out how to heal homosexuality. For me, it was a
matter of life and death. If I died trying, that was enough. At least my life
had some meaning as I tried year after year to heal this seemingly bottom-
less wound in my soul.
I had sexual attractions to men. People told me that I was born this

way and the thought of changing was impossible and therapeutically con-
traindicated. Phooey! Not play Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata”? Anyone
can do whatever he wants if he has a burning desire, makes a plan, gets
support, and goes for it. I have been able to guide many men, women, and
adolescents out of homosexuality because I didn’t listen when people told

me, “Be true to yourself, you were born this way, accept it.”

I learned where my same-sex desires came from, how to heal those

wounds, and how to fulfill the unmet needs of my past. The benefit of
reading this book and following this plan is that I am offering a shortcut
to coming out straight. I have made so many mistakes, which makes it

possible for others to avoid some of the pitfalls on the road to freedom.

What took me a decade to do, I have been able to help others accomplish
in one to three years.

I wish to thank all the men and women with whom I have had the
privilege of counseling over the past twelve years. They have been my
teachers. I have included some of their stories in this book. I have changed
their names and details to maintain confidentiality. They are all brave
souls, swimming upstream, against the tide. God bless you.
I wrote this book for professionals and nonprofessionals alike. I have
the unique position of having been the client and now the therapist. I not
only struggled with unwanted homosexual desires, I struggled equally in
trying to find professionals who understood my condition and how to
help me heal. It was so difficult trying to explain myself to therapists who

did not have a clue. Now, undergraduate and graduate schools throughout
the country and world are teaching “gay affirmative therapy.”

The intent of this book is to help therapists, counselors, clergy, and

others understand how to assist men and women with unwanted (ego-
dystonic) same-sex attractions. It is also a guide for the overcomers. My
hope and prayer is that, in time, the stigma of same-sex attractions will

xiii
 PREFACE

wane and understanding will prevail. May this book serve as a stepping

stone toward that dream.

In Part I, I share my story and describe the root causes of same-sex attrac-
tions. I do not concentrate on etiology, because I believe there are many
good books written on this subject. For more information on the causes of
same-sex attractions, please see the list of references at the back of the book.
In Part II, I present a four-stage model of recovery, a step-by-step

guide to healing. Then I describe a variety of therapeutic tools and tech-

niques to use in each stage of recovery. I give a general introduction to var-
ious approaches to healing but will not detail these techniques as you can
read about them through the suggested reading. My intention is to pro-
vide the technology for healing homosexuality. The specific techniques

may be learned from further study. I also discuss the importance of anger
and touch in the process of recovery. Finally, I describe a mentorship
model to create secure attachment.

In Part III, I discuss how to heal homophobia, overcoming the fear

and hatred of homosexuality through understanding and compassion. I

then offer suggestions for family members and friends who have loved
ones experiencing same-sex attractions.
Laced throughout the book are stories men and a woman I have
of five
counseled. In their own words, you may further understand how this
process of healing works.

In this book, instead of saying he and she each time, I will use the mas-
culine pronoun. However, this model of recovery applies to both men
and women unless otherwise specified.

A Final Note
I have counseled, coached, and facilitated thousands of men, women,
and adolescents over the past years. This program for healing applies to
those who are gender disidentified, and it also works for the average man
or woman. The only difference is that stages three and four, as discussed

in chapter 4, are reversed. A brief explanation of how the program works

follows.

Stage One: Making behavioral changes by cutting off from unhealthy

activities and relationships, building a support network, and developing a
sense of spirituality by finding personal value in relationship with God.

XIV
 PREFACE

Stage Two: Cognitive restructuring, inner-child healing, and continu-

ing with all tasks of the previous stage. Here the individual learns to re-

place negative self-talk with positive affirmations regarding self and oth-
ers. Next, an awareness of ones thoughts, feelings, and deeper needs must
be brought into conscious awareness. Then the individual learns to live
more joyfully in the here and now through healthy self-expression and
being assertive in a positive manner.
Stage Three: Healing hetero-emotional wounds. Women need to heal
father wounds, and men need to heal mother wounds, or any other
wounding incurred by a significant person of the opposite sex. Core
wounds need to be revealed and then healed. The final part of this phase
is to fulfill unmet love needs in healthy, nonsexual relationships, thus fill-

ing in the developmental gaps of yesteryear.

Stage Four: Healing homo-emotional wounds. Women need to heal
mother wounds, and men need to heal father wounds, or any other
wounding incurred by a significant person of the same sex. Again, core
wounds need to be revealed and healed, and then unmet love needs ful-
filled in healthy, nonsexual relationships.
When each woman and man learns to increase a sense of self-worth by
learning new skills, experiencing value in relationship to a loving God,
healing past wounds, and fulfilling unmet love needs, she and he will blos-

som into the fullness of their original design. My next book will be called
Healing Heterosexuality. For now, this will do!

XV
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 Acknowledgments
would like to thank my family and friends for standing by me these past
I years as I fought so many battles to stay alive.

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for your love and openness. I know I have
challenged you each step of the way. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
I love you both.
Thanks to Jae Sook, my devoted wife, who is the stabilizing force in
the Cohen family. Your steadfast love and support have allowed me to

write this book. It is laced with our blood, sweat, and tears. It is a gift we
return to God and others. It is the result of our victories of love through-
out our eighteen years of marriage.
Thanks to Jarish, Jessica, and Alfie, our three wonderful children. You
You are the future. Fly and be free! I love you.
are great.

Thanks to John, Hilde, Wayne, and Camas for being lifelong friends,
for being there, for holding me up when I fell down, for your monthly

contributions that helped sustain this healing providence, and most of all,
for your love and passion for God and healing humanity.
Thanks to the Wesleyan Christian Community for the years of coun-
seling you willingly and freely gave us. You were precious teachers of many
gifts.

Thanks to Phillip, Peter, Russell, Steve, and Gordon, the men who
poured into my empty and hungry bucket. Thanks to Nora, Berti, and
Victoria who also mentored me, helping me experience healthy women’s
love. Thanks to Hans, Barbara, Ken, Jackie, Herbert, Helga, Gabriel,
Irma, Gert, and Siglinde for your friendship, love, and support.
A special thanks to Joe Nicolosi, Charles Socarides, and Ben Kaufman
who created NARTH (National Association for Research and Therapy of
Homosexuality). You are truly brave men to stand against the tide. My
brothers and sisters and I are deeply indebted to you. Thank you, Joe, for
inspiring me to write this book. I appreciate your mentoring me and your
constant encouragement and friendship over the past eight years.
Thanks to all the courageous souls who minister to those wishing to
exit homosexuality: NARTH, EXODUS, Courage/Encourage, JONAH,
 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Transforming Congregations, Pastoral Care Ministries, Evergreen Interna-
tional, One by One, HA, PFOX, and others. You are God’s champions,
and I deeply respect and appreciate you all. Special thanks to Father John
Harvey for having the guts to start Courage/Encourage. You are a shining
light in the darkness. Thanks to Father Donald Timone for his heart of
compassion. Thanks to Dr. Dean Byrd for his pioneer efforts in this field

of reparative therapy. Your generosity has touched me and so many others.

Thanks to Feanne Payne and her invaluable healing ministry.
Thanks to all the men and women I have had the privilege of counsel-
ing over the past decade. You are the salt of the earth. I stand in awe be-
fore you. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your journey home.
Thanks Dave and Joanie Orgon Coolidge, Glenna Dameron, Dean
to

Byrd, Joe and Finda Nicolosi, and my friend Steve, who willingly gave of
their time and expertise to help edit this book. I am grateful for your input

and heart investment into this project.

Thanks to Joe, Roxanne, Doug, and Maria Miller for your generosity
and support. I can’t say thank you enough. Your devotion to God is an
inspiration.

Thanks to Claude Aubert for your contributing the wonderful charts

and graphs.
Thanks to my brother Neal for helping me create a title!

Thanks to the Bonners, the Church of the Holy Spirit (Father Bob and
Father George), and Rich and Sue Huggler for giving me room to cloister

myself away from the world to finish this book.

Thanks to Ron for helping me find journal articles.
Thanks to Diana for all her service, sacrifice, and support. I deeply ap-
preciate your love and loyalty throughout the years.

Thanks to Clint for your wisdom, mentoring, and healing touch.

Thanks to Rev. and Mrs. Jim Schuppe and BBC, my wonderful and
supportive church family.
Thanks to Pastor and Mrs. Ronald Crawford and NVBC, my other
wonderful and supportive church family.
Thanks to the wonderful staff at Oakhill Press: Ed Helvey, Paula
Gould, Craig Hines, and BJ. Your help and input were invaluable.

xviii
 PART I;

Understanding
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 CHAPTER ONE

My Story:
Coming Out Straight

“It says that where a maris wound is, that is where his genius will be. Wherever the

wound appears in our psyches, whetherfrom alcoholic father, shaming mother, sham-
ingfather, abusing mother, whether it stems from isolation, disability, or disease, that

is precisely the place from which we will give our major gift to the community.

—Robert Bly

n childhood and adolescence, I remember my father screaming at us

I and my mother clinging to me. I was quite distant from him and too
close to her. ^Tien I was five, a friend of the family came to live with us.

He gained my trust, won my heart, and sexually abused me. I was also the
bearer of a gift —
the gift of sensitivity. It led me to experience life quite
deeply and made it hard for me to let things go. I was more artistic,
whereas my father and brother were more athletic. My dad would emo-
tionally beat my brother Neal, and then Neal would beat on me. These are
some of the causes that led to my experiencing same-sex attractions.
I sought refuge in the arms of men. I had several boyfriends in college,

and then a lover of three years. However, it was not enough. I wanted to

marry and have a family. I had a religious conversion experience that

 UNDERSTANDING

helped me leave the homosexual lifestyle. Eventually, I met Jae Sook and
she became my wife. That was not enough. I had repressed my same-sex
attractions. I needed to heal my wounds and fulfill unmet needs. I found
this through therapy, support groups, mentors, friends, and my faith. In
this way, I was able to change and finally come out straight. I share my
story to give you some idea of where I have been, where I am, and the
knowledge that change is possible.

Early Childhood and Adolescence

I grew up in Lower Merion, a suburb of Philadelphia. I was the youngest
of three children in a Jewish family. My brother Neal was four and a half
years older, and my sister Lydia was two and a half years older. My father
was in the shoe business, and my mother was a full-time housewife. Most
often, my dad would come home from work and scream at us. Because of
my sensitive nature, it felt like daggers piercing my soul. My dad and Neal
had a very antagonistic relationship. They fought about everything. When
my brother was feeling frustration and pain, he would take his aggression
out on me. I tried to fight back, but it seemed futile, as he was so much
bigger and older than I. There was constant fighting and tears in the

Cohen household. Yet when guests came over, we smiled and acted like a
happy suburban family.

I would bounce back and forth between Neal and Lydia. One day I

would be in her favor, the next day in his. Fighting between my parents
and fighting among us kids was our daily diet. My role was that of a peace-
maker. I was always trying to bring order and peace in this chaotic home.
I would clown around, trying desperately to relieve the tension that was in
the air.

From middle school, I began to experience same-sex attractions.

Though girls noticed me, I experienced an ever-increasing interest and de-
sire to be close to guys. From the seventh grade, some of my guy friends

wanted to experiment sexually. I went along with it, but what I really

wanted was to be physically intimate with them. I wanted to hold and to

be held.
I would sleep over at my friend Steve s house. It was great to snuggle up
with him. I couldn’t get enough, but Steve felt a bit uncomfortable with
my continuous overtures for intimacy. My same-sex desires got stronger
with each passing year. I had more sexual experiences with school friends.

For them it was a novelty, but for me it was a growing obsession. At the
same time, I tried to act “normal,” so I had girlfriends. In my senior year

4
 MY STORY: COMING OUT STRAIGHT

of high school, I went steady with Maria. Many people thought we would
marry. I suppose we did, too, but this growing obsession for a man con-
tinued to haunt me.
At seventeen years of age, I ventured out into the world to seek a ho-
mosexual relationship. I went to my fathers health club and met a man
who invited me back to his place. My heart was pounding so loudly that I

thought it would burst out of my chest. I had never done such a thing in

my life. When we got to his apartment, the seduction began. I was so ner-
vous since this was all so new for me. WTiat he did to me that day, I didn’t

know two men could do. My body and spirit felt ripped in two. After-
wards, I left his apartment and took the subway home. When I was un-
derground waiting for the train, I walked into a dark corner and deeply
sobbed. I felt so violated and disappointed. I was looking for closeness, for

a safe place to be held and to hold. What I experienced felt like rape.

I went home and never told anyone about what had happened. Finally,

toward the end of my senior year of high school, I told my parents about
my struggle with same-sex attractions. My mother said she knew, which
made me very angry. From early infancy, I had a love-hate relationship
with her. I didn’t know where she began and I ended. I knew part of my
gender confusion was due to our inappropriate closeness. I embarrassed
my father, who had grown up in military school and was a marine in

World War II, by my revelation. I requested to see a psychiatrist, which I

did, but it was a fruitless experience. Fie and I didn’t connect at all.

College
In 1970, I went to Boston University to study music. I began psychother-
apy twice weekly with a traditional Freudian psychoanalyst. This contin-
ued over the next three years. It was an excruciating time of pain and little

gain. I did learn a bit more about myself; however, I didn’t learn about the
origins of my desires, nor did I experience any relief from the pain.
During my first year at college, I went to some “gay” bars, but I didn’t

like the scene. It felt like a meat market, and I didn’t want to be a com-
modity on the shelf I attended some meetings at my university’s “gay and
lesbian” student alliance. In my first year of college, I had several boy-

friends, each lasting several months.

When I visited home, it was more confrontational, as I would use some
of my therapeutic tools to challenge my parents. One time, my dad and I
got into a fistfight. During the fight, he was hitting me while I was on my
bed. My mom started screaming to my dad, “Stop Stop For God’s it! it!

5
 UNDERSTANDING

sake, stop my head and said to her, “No. This is great. This is
it!” I turned
the closest weVe ever been in my life!” She ran out of the room in tears.
remember, after one visit, my father wrote a letter that hurt me
I

deeply. At the same time, I felt suffocated by my current boyfriend, Mike.

Besides all that, my schoolwork was overwhelming. I decided to take a
bottle of Bufferin and end it all. However, I woke up in the middle of the
morning sick as a dog, and still alive. I called my sister, who lived nearby.

She came over and took me to the emergency room at the hospital where
they pumped my stomach and stabilized my condition.
I recovered, continued therapy, went back to school, ended my rela-

tionship with Mike, changed my major to theater, and felt a bit more
hopeful. In my second year of school, I met Tim, an art major. We would
become lovers for the next three years.

Since my early childhood, I had three dreams. First, I wanted to have

a best friend, someone with whom I could totally be myself, without apol-
ogy or excuse. Second, I wanted to perform in a group that would travel

the world, both educating and entertaining people. Third, I wanted to

marry a beautiful woman and create a loving family.

Tim was my first dream come true. However, there was a price to pay.

It was a roller-coaster relationship. I was the pursuer and he was the dis-

tancer. This was our continuous dance for three years. The close times
were incredible, and the love we shared was wonderful. We were best
friends. I learned many things by seeing life through Tim’s eyes. He had an
affinity for nature, and I learned to see things I had never seen before. He
was and still remains an exceptional man.

Spiritual Journey
Another significant event occurred through our relationship. Tim loved
Jesus very deeply. I persecuted him for his beliefs until he said, “Richard,
stop it. You believe what you want to believe, and let me believe what I be-
lieve.” I realized he was right, and I apologized. Since I loved Tim, I wanted
to see why he loved this Jesus so much. For the first time in my life, I began
reading the New Testament. As part of my Jewish upbringing, I was both
bar-mitzvahed and confirmed, studying only the Old Testament.
I had always been on a spiritual quest, trying to find the meaning and
purpose of life. I many kinds of faiths and ways: Judaism, Bud-
tried so

dhism, and therapies. Then I met Jesus. He was a remarkable individual.

In fact, he was the kind of man I had always wanted to be myself What I
admired in him was that his thoughts, feelings, words, and deeds were

6
 MY STORY; COMING OCT STRAIGHT

one. He was a congruent man, the same inside as he was on the outside.
He spoke of forgiveness and Gods grace. These were new concepts for me.
I wanted to be like him. This began my journey as a Christian. I joined an
Episcopal church in Roxbury and began teaching Sunday school.
More and more, Tim and I knew that homosexuality was not compat-
ible with God’s Word, so we eliminated the physical part of our relation-

ship. We both met the Unification Church shortly after that. I believed
that God was calling me to explore this faith, and in 1974, I joined. For
nine years, I remained celibate. I lived a life of service, trying not to think
about myself, but focus on God, His Word, and others. The same-sex de-
sires emerged now and then. I would push and pray them away. I begged
God to take them away for good.

I fulfilled my second dream by performing in the church choir, travel-

ing throughout the States and Asia, bringing a message of hope and love.
While performing, I met my wife-to-be. We performed together. She was
in a Korean folk dance troupe. We spoke very little, but would come to
know each other better in the years ahead.

Marriage and Therapy

In 1982, Jae Sook and I married, and I was on my way to fulfilling my
third dream. The first few months were wonderful. I told her about what
I thought was my homosexual past. Then the problem resurfaced. I felt so
much rage toward my wife. I projected onto Jae Sook all the pent-up hos-
tility I had previously felt toward my mother. I started treating her as my

father treated us: “Do this, do that.” “Why didn’t you do it that way?”
“Don’t you know anything?” I kept ordering her around and insulting her.
My rage got so bad that I even felt like killing her at times.
It was a shocking mess, heightened by the fact that I was successful in

my business. I was an arts manager, touring classical musicians and ballet

companies throughout Asia. Many people loved me and thought I was
just the greatest. At home. Dr. Jekyll turned into Mr. Hyde, a rageaholic.
I had become what I vowed I would never be — ^just like my father. My
wife soon became pregnant with our first child. I knew I must begin ther-

apy again. So, in May 1983, while living in New York City, I went to see

a noted psychologist. For one year, I attended weekly individual and

group sessions. It was the beginning of my journey out of homosexuality.
One night, after Jae Sook and I had made love, I turned away from her.

I felt exhausted from working two jobs (as arts manager and a waiter in a

restaurant) to support us and pay for therapy. Jae Sook put her arms around

7
 UNDERSTANDING

me. In an instant, it felt as if my spirit had jumped out of my body! I dis-

sociated my physical self All of a sudden, was looking down at my

from I

body lying next to my wife. It was much too painful to stay in my body. My
heart was screaming. At that moment, I came to realize that I had experi-

enced some kind of abuse in early childhood. My hypothesis was that there
was an incestuous relationship between my mother and myself
It felt like an eternity, which in reality was probably several seconds,

before I returned to my body. I asked Jae Sook not to touch me. It was just

too painful. I could not wait for the next therapy session. My therapist in-
troduced me to several bioenergetic techniques. I pounded several pillows

with a tennis racquet to release pent-up anger and frustration. While

pounding away at what I thought was some abuse caused by my mother,
I had a flashback. All of a sudden, I saw male genitals coming toward my
mouth. I screamed. I felt shocked. I felt horrified.

I cried and the tears flowed for the next few years, as I worked through
memories of sexual abuse that occurred when I was between the ages of
five and six years old. A friend of the family —we him Uncle
called

Dave — lived with us while he was in the process of getting a divorce. Dave
was a very large, powerful man. He provided forme what my father could
not. He spent time with me, listened to me, held me. He gave me the feel-
ing that I He was actually the first adult with
mattered and that he cared.
whom I had bonded. Then, it began. He started playing with my genitals
and had me do the same with his. It was shocking and horrifying. Of
course, it felt good, too. God has, after all, designed the human body to
feel pleasure in the genital areas. This is one reason that sexual abuse is so
confusing for a child. It feels painful and pleasurable all at the same time.
I cried so many tears sorting through the web of confusion and destruc-
tion that those experiences caused me. I learned that my neurology was pro-
grammed to respond to men in sexual ways. For me, intimacy with a man
equaled sex. I learned that to be close to a man, I must give him my body.
This was the learning of a child hungry for his father’s love. Because of my
hypersensitive temperament and my father’s rageaholic nature, I never had
a chance to bond with him. Uncle Dave was my first male mentor.

Healing and Hell

Working through the effects of the child sexual abuse brought havoc to
my life. We were having our first child. I was traveling to Asia for my job
every few months, and I was working as a waiter three to four nights a

week. We had little emotional and spiritual support at the time. There

8 I
 MY STORY: COMING OUT STRAIGHT

were few organizations in New York City to help those who desired to
come out of homosexuality. I attended one Christian group, but they re-

jected me because, at that time, I was still a part of the Unification

Church. I tried another ex-gay ministry in a nearby state, and the director
approached me to have sex with him. This created more pain and feelings

of hopelessness.
I wounding occurred because of my unhealthy relationship
knew the
with Uncle Dave and the emotional detachment from my father. There-
fore, I knew that I needed to be close to men in healthy ways to heal and

grow. I needed mentoring, corrective parenting to reconcile what had

gone wrong so many years before. I reached out to men in my church. I
was voracious to experience healthy love, but I scared most of them away.
I threatened them with my powerful needs, and they didn’t know what to

do. I am also sure I must have triggered some issues within them, as most
men in our culture carry deep father wounds (one reason for homopho-
bia). I continued to pray, asking God to bring mentors into my life. The

more I prayed, the more I sought to find such men, the further away they
seemed to be.

Finally, I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed touch, to be

held, to be mentored, to be initiated into the world of men. So, I told

God, my wife, and several friends that if I couldn’t find what I needed
through godly men, then I would go back into the homosexual world to
find someone who was willing to be with me.
It certainly wasn’t plan A, not even plan B, but I knew what I needed,
and I knew I wouldn’t stop until I found it. Back into the sad “gay” world I

went. I felt like a complete hypocrite, going against all my religious convic-
tions, but the need for love is more powerful than religion. I shared every-
thing with God. Through that period of my life, I knew He was guiding me.
It was a very bizarre time. It was a most painful and lonely time for Jae

Sook and our first son, Jarish. I was out running around New York City
with my boyfriend, and she was at home alone taking care of our son,
knowing her husband was out with a man. I cry now, as I write these
words, realizing again the pain I caused her and our children. I am truly

sorry, and I have repented to her, our children, and God for what I did.

I told her of my commitment to our relationship and of my desire for

her not to divorce me. I needed to heal with men. I didn’t know how to do
it. I couldn’t find anyone at the time to show me the way, so I had to do
the best I could. I prayed the whole way through this unusual course, from
start to finish.

9
 UNDERSTANDING

It would take volumes to describe what I went through in the next two
and a half years. I learned that I was indeed looking for closeness, not sex.

I needed to make up for all the times that I had never shared with my
dad — just being together, doing things together, talking about life, and
learning from him. This I experienced with a wonderful man. I was very
honest with him from the start about being married and wanting to heal
these same-sex desires. There was no pretense with him, my wife, or God.
Slowly, my heart began to heal as I grieved the effects of the sexual
abuse in therapy and I spent time with my friend. However, there was still

a deep wound in the pit of my soul. Eventually, this ache turned into an
ulcer. I was overworking as an artist manager, waiting tables in the restau-
rant, desperately trying to heal the same-sex wounds, and be there for Jae
Sook and the kids. We had had a second child during all this. Jessica was
a beautiful girl.

At that time, “Oh God, how terrible to bring children into

I prayed,
such a mess. You know how desperate I am to change. I pray that You take
care of Jae Sook and the kids, for surely I am unable and ill-equipped at
this time.”

Finally, I took a one-year leave of absence from my job. More and

more, my wife and I were growing distant in our connection to the Unifi-
cation Ghurch. We were struggling emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
In the years to come, we would eventually resign and return to our Chris-
tian roots. (Now we attend a wonderful church in our community. There
we find fellowship, support, and love.)

Breakthrough
By the grace of God, I found a Christian friend who was willing to help
me heal the homo-emotional wounds of my past. He himself was quite
stable and comfortable in his masculinity. I cannot describe everything
that took place between David and me. Yes, his name was David. God is

just. It was Dave who abused me at five, and it was David who helped me
heal at thirty-five!
Together, with the guidance of God, we walked back into the room of
my abuse, and there I faced my biggest demon myself, my accuser. “It —
was all my fault!” This is how I felt. This is what I thought! “It was all my
fault!” David helped the child in me see that I didn’t cause the abuse, that
it wasn’t my “fault.” In that instant, the connection between Uncle Dave
and I was cut, and I became free for the first time in my life. With that

10
 MY STORY; COMING OCT STRAIGHT

sense of freedom, I sobbed for about an hour in David s arms. It was such
a release and relief to know that I wasn’t responsible for what had hap-
pened and that God had forgiven me. In those moments of release, I

found my freedom from same-sex desires. Cutting this neurological con-

nection to the sexual desires freed me from thirty years of relentless pain
and an endless pursuit of men.
After that, I needed to do maintenance work to ensure that I was re-

ceiving healthy, nonsexual love from other men. I found several men who
were willing to mentor me. This was another critical part of my healing.
Developmentally, I had to learn the many lessons I missed as a child, ado-
lescent, and young adult. My friends Phillip, Russell, Rev. Hillendahl,
Steve, Gordon, and Rev. Schuppe poured and continue to pour into my
soul lessons of love, initiating me into the world of men.

More Healing
Jae Sook and I attended an EXODUS Conference in 1987, just after I had
my breakthrough with David. (EXODUS is the umbrella organization for
the ex-gay Christian ministries around the world.) There I prayed to God
to show us the next step —what to do and where to go. Each day at the

conference, I prayed for God’s guidance, but nothing came. Finally, the

conference ended. I walked to a nearby lake. I knelt down and prayed,

“OK, God, it’s showdown time! I’m not moving from this spot until you
tell me what to do and where to go. Even if I die sitting here, so be it. I

await your guidance.” Then the directions came clearly: “Move to Seattle,

receive help for your marriage, get an education, and then reach out to
help other people.” In amazement, “Would you please repeat that
I asked,
one more time?” The words came one more time, exactly as I had heard
them before.

I told Jae Sook what I had received. We both prayed about this for sev-
eral weeks until we were certain that this was God’s desire for our lives.

When it became clear that this was to be, I quit my job. This was very
painful to do after ten years and much success in the arts management
business. I had decided, however, that I did not want to do as my father

and his father had done —be successful in business and miserable at home.
We packed an eighteen-foot truck with our belongings, said good-bye
to our friends in New York City, and headed off to Seattle. There we
started anew life, not knowing what God had in store for us. I thought we
were there to work with the local ex-gay ministry. After several counseling

11
 UNDERSTANDING

sessions with the director, I realized that it wasn’t going to work. He was
single and I was married. I also perceived he was struggling with his own
issues (later, he left his position to receive more help). Why was I here in
this city?

Then we heard about a Christian healing community on Vashon, a

small island outside Seattle. We tried several times to get there, but each
time some accident or event stopped us. Jae Sook said, “Maybe it’s God
saying don’t go.” I realized that it was not God but the other side trying to
stop us! Finally, I determined to get there, no matter what. We all went
one chilly Saturday afternoon in December 1987. There we met with Rev.
and Mrs. Lou Hillendahl, the pastors of the Wesleyan Christian Commu-
nity. Within an hour, knew this was why God had brought us to Seattle.
I

On January 1, 1988, we moved into this healing community. We

stayed with them for six months of intensive therapy and received coun-
seling and support from them for the next two and a half years. Their
guidance and expertise were invaluable. We grew as individuals, as a cou-

ple, as parents, and as a family. They taught us many skills. I learned about
mentoring from them. (I will explain about mentoring in chapter 12.) 1

learned how to be a better husband and father. We are eternally grateful

for the love, time, and investment they gave to our family. We have been
able to give so much to others because of what they gave to us.

I had another breakthrough experience there. In the summer of 1988,

my parents came to visit. We all met with my counselors from the Com-
munity. I shared about the past abuse with Uncle Dave and how 1 walked
into the homosexual world, always looking my father’s love in the arms
for

of other men. 1 told Dad, “You never held me as a child, at least not in my
memory. So, even though you are seventy and I’m thirty-six, I need you to

hold me now.” With that, I jumped on my father’s lap! I had to put his

arms around me, as he was so stiff and awkward. It felt good, but there was
too much performance anxiety as my mother, wife, two kids, and three
counselors looked on.
Later that eyening, we took my parents back to their hotel room. I

asked everyone to leave my father and me alone for a while. Then I said,
“Dad, now it’s just you and me. I really need you to hold me.” I remem-
ber so well that room and the chair where he held me. I climbed on his lap

and began to weep. He got so nervous, as he is uncomfortable with tears.

I told him, “Dad, please just let me cry. It’s good. I just need to let go of
all the losses of my life, all we missed being together when I was
the times
growing up. Please just hold me while I grieve.” With that, I let go of so

12
 MY STORY: COMING OUT STRAIGHT

many years of pain and disappointment. It was a wonderful moment for

both of us. At last, we were bonding as father and son.

Becoming a Wounded Healer

I knew that eventually we were going in the direction of helping others

heal out of homosexuality. I decided that, first, I must serve those in the
homosexual community without trying to persuade anyone into my way
of thinking. For three years, I was a volunteer, working with people who
had AIDS. It was a privilege and honor to be with these men and women.
I felt humbled and grateful for each relationship and experience. I could
see their beauty and raw desire just to be loved.

At the same time, I began graduate school to obtain my master’s degree

in counseling psychology. Simultaneously, I worked as a waiter in a restau-

rant and as an AIDS educator for the American Red Cross. Jae Sook
worked as a preschool teacher. She was able to keep Jarish and Jessica with
her during the days. We continued our healing with other couples who
had attended seminars with the Wesleyan Christian Community. We sup-
ported each other. It was a blessed time. Even though there were so many
ups and downs each day, we still had each other, and that was a lot.

After graduation, through the guidance of God, I founded the Interna-

tional Healing Foundation. My vision was to establish healing centers

throughout the world to help men, women, and children to experience their
value as children of God. This is still my vision, as we continue our journey.
I worked for the American Red Cross as an HIV/AIDS educator for
three years. I worked for Catholic Community Services in Child Abuse
Treatment and Family Reconciliation Services. I also had my private prac-
tice, helping men and women heal out of homosexuality.
I began to give public presentations on the process of transitioning
from homosexuality to heterosexuality. I thought that, because of my
heart toward the homosexual community, they would see that I was not
their enemy, but just presenting another possibility for those who desire

to change. I was naive. We received death threats at our home and at my

office! down my nametag on my office door. We
People kept tearing
received obscene telephone calls at home with angry, venomous words of
threat and accusation. The Gay and Lesbian Task Force of the mayor’s
office in Seattle requested that the American Red Cross fire me from my
position as an HIV/AIDS educator. Their reason was that I was homo-
phobic and spreading hate. Many in the homosexual community have felt

threatened by my work. I understand their fears and their pain.

13
 UNDERSTANDING

Over the past twelve years, I traveled extensively throughout the States,

giving presentations about the healing of homosexuality on college and

university campuses, in churches, in mental health institutions, at thera-
peutic conferences, and on TV and the radio. I have also conducted heal-
ing seminars throughout the States and Europe on topics such as

inner-child healing, marital relations, parenting skills, communication

skills, conflict resolution, addictions, sexual abuse, and anger manage-
ment. For the first six years of my counseling practice, I worked almost ex-

clusively with couples and individuals dealing with all sorts of issues, i.e.,

couples conflicts, obsessive-compulsive disorders, anger problems, sexual

abuse, and addictions. For the past six years, my practice has taken an-
other turn. I counsel mostly men and adolescents coming out of homo-
sexuality. I continue to conduct healing seminars for both healing
homosexuality and marital relations. I enjoy the variety of doing both.
I continue to grow into the man that God created me to be. We con-
tinue to grow as a family. With the help of Dr. Martha Welch and her
practice of holding (see explanation of Attachment/Holding Therapy in

chapter 6), I had a significant breakthrough with my mother. I asked my

mom to visit us and help me resolve some long-standing issues that I had
with her. Over a period of five days, we held each other as I expressed years
of pain, anger, and frustration. Mom listened as I detoxed: “Why weren’t
you there when Uncle Dave was doing those things to me?” “Why didn’t
you stop him?” “Why didn’t you stop Dad from screaming at us year after

year?” We cried together as we recalled, relived, and released the past. She
apologized for her shortcomings. “I am sorry, honey. I never meant to hurt
you.” Finally, for me, a miracle occurred — I bonded to my mother’s
bosom. I bonded with my mom. The walls around my heart came down,
and I allowed her to enter. For the first time in my life, I was here! I was
alive. I felt bonded and I belonged.
When I took her to the airport and said good-bye, my heart sank. I

missed my mother. I missed her. The child within my

who finallyheart,

allowed her love inside, missed his mom. This was a whole new sensation
for me. I wept out of sadness and joy.

Another blessing occurred five years ago. God gave us a precious son,
Alfie. He came on the foundation of our (God’s) battles and victories. Now,
Jae Sook and I and our three children are growing more deeply in love.

I love God with all my heart, mind, and soul. I live to end His suffer-

ing and pain. I pray the understanding of same-sex attractions and the
treatment plan for recovery that I am about to share is a blessing to you

14
 MY STORY: COMING OUT STRAIGHT

and those whose lives you will touch. I have learned over the past twelve
years of counseling hundreds of men, women, and adolescents, and work-
ing with thousands of people in healing seminars around the world, that
no matter what issue or issues we are facing in our lives, our wounds all

originate from the same sources. For, as Leanne Payne said, “To write
about the healing of the homosexual is to write about the healing of all

men and women. We all fall short of our original design for greatness.
When we heal ourselves, the world heals a little more. When we help oth-
ers heal, we heal in the process.

15
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 CHAPTER TWO

Definitions and Causes

of Same-Sex Attractions

O
those
ver the past twelve years,
adolescents
who wish to
who
make
I have been counseling men,
have desired to come out of homosexuality. For
this transition from homosexual
women, and

to heterosexual,

I am certain that it is possible. My personal journey and the experience of

the many men and women whom I have had the privilege to assist support
this claim.

I would like to share with you what I have discovered over the past
thirty years of personal and professional investigation. These insights

come from my own course of healing and have been substantiated

through the findings and observations of other therapists and former ho-
mosexuals. For me, these discoveries meant life or death. I determined to
find answers because I knew that God did not create me this way.
Before I begin, I would like to make it quite clear that this is not a
blame game. It is naming what occurred for the purpose of healing and
restoration. We must uncover what is unseen so that we can become the
masters of our own ships. Blaming never healed or restored anyone. It is

equally important to place responsibility for others’ actions squarely upon

them so that we do not carry their burden, i.e., “Ifs all my fault.”
Throughout the book, I will use male pronouns; however, everything ap-
plies to both genders unless otherwise stated.
 UNDERSTANDING

Definitions
“Homosexuality is not about sex. Rather, it is ultimately about rejection of
and detachment from self, from others, and one’s own gender identity,”

says Slade, a client of mine whose story you will read in chapter 13.

I will use the terms, homosexuality and same-sex attractions inter-

changeably. If one experiences sexual attractions for the same gender, I de-
fine him as homosexually oriented. The “gay” man or woman is one who
has accepted homosexual desires and reports feeling comfortable with
those feelings. The “nongay” homosexual person is one who does not ac-

cept those desires and seeks to change. A bisexual is one who experiences
attractions to both genders. He may choose to accept those desires or seek

to change.

/ use the term homosexual as an adjective, not as a noun. '‘Homosexual is

not used as a noun for referring to a person, but is used as an adjective to

describe a person’s thoughts, feelings, desires and behaviors.”^ I do not be-
lieve there is any such thing as true homosexuality. I believe that anyone
who experiences same-sex attractions is latently heterosexual and merely
stuck in an early stage of psychosexual development. When the causes are
revealed and healed and the unmet needs fulfilled, gender identity will be
experienced and heterosexual desires will ensue.

'
Biology and Genetics
Over the past decade, there has been much talk about the biologic and ge-
netic predispositions to homosexuality. This concept was posited by three
studies. Major newspapers reported that these studies proved homosexu-
ality to be immutable, that people are born homosexual, born “gay.”
In this section, I will list these three studies, give a brief critique of each
one, and let other social scientists comment on the reliability of their find-
ings. What becomes abundantly clear is that there is no scientific data to

support a genetic or biologic basis for same-sex attractions.

Three Studies

LEVAY STUDY
Simon LeVay, “A Difference in Hypothalamic Structure Between Hetero-
sexual and Homosexual Men,” reported in Science magazine in August
1991. LeVay professed to have found a group of neurons in the hypothal-
amus (called INAH3) that appeared to be twice as big in heterosexual men

18
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

than in homosexual men, LeVay theorized that this part of the hypothal-
amus has something to do with sexual behavior. Therefore, he concluded,
sexual orientation is somehow biologically determined.

Brief Critique of the LeVay Study:

• All 19 homosexual subjects died of AIDS, and we know that
HIV/AIDS may affect the brain, causing chemical changes. There-
fore, rather than looking at the cause of homosexuality, we may be
observing the effects of HIV/AIDS.
• LeVay did not verify the sexual orientation of his control group.
“Two of these subjects (both AIDS patients) had denied homosex-
ual activity. The records of the remaining 1 4 patients contained no

information about their sexual orientation; they are assumed to

have been mostly or all heterosexual.”^ It is poor science to “assume”
anything about your subjects.
• Three of the 19 homosexual subjects had a larger group of neurons
in the hypothalamus than the average heterosexual subject. Three of
the 16 heterosexual subjects had a smaller group of neurons in the
hypothalamus than the average homosexual subject. That means 6
out of 35 male subjects disproved his hypothesis. These results,

then, are not statistically significant or reliable.

• There is no proof that this group of neurons affects sexuality. Dr.
Charles Socarides, professor of psychiatry at Albert Einstein College
of Medicine in New York City, said, “The question of a minute sec-

tion of the brain —submicroscopic almost — as deciding sexual

object choice is really preposterous. A cluster of the brain cannot
determine sexual object choice.”^
• LeVay himself stated, “It’s important to stress what I didn’t find. I

did not prove that homosexuality is genetic, or find a genetic cause

for being gay. show that gay men are born that way, the most
I didn’t

common mistake people make in interpreting my work. Nor did I

locate a gay center in the brain. . . . Since I look at adult brains,

we don’t know if the differences I found were there at birth or if they

appeared later.

BAILEY AND PILLARD STUDY

John M. Bailey and Richard Pillard, “A Genetic Study of Male Sexual Ori-
entation,” reported in xht Archives of General Psychiatry ^ December 1991.

19
 UNDERSTANDING
They studied the prevalence of homosexuality among twins and adopted
brothers where at least one brother was homosexual. They found that 52
percent (29 pairs out of 56) of the identical twins were both homosexual;
22 percent (12 pairs out of 54) of the fraternal twins were both homosex-
ual; and 1 1 percent (6 of 57) of the adoptive brothers were both homo-

sexual. They found 9 percent (13 of 142) of the nontwin biological

also

siblings were both homosexual. The authors therefore concluded that

there is a genetic cause to homosexuality.

Brief Critique of the Bailey-Pillard Study:

• The biggest flaw is the interpretation of the researchers. Since about

50 percent of the identical twins were not homosexual, we can eas-

ily conclude that genetics does not play a major part in their sexual
orientation. If it had, then 100 percent of the twins should be ho-
mosexual since identical twins have the same genetic makeup. We
might just as easily interpret the findings to mean that environmen-
tal influences caused their homosexuality. Biologist Anne Fausto-
Stirling of Brown University stated, “In order for such a study to be
at all meaningful, you’d have to look at twins raised apart. It’s such
badly interpreted genetics.”^
• This was not a random sample, but a biased sample, as the twins
who volunteered were solicited through advertisements in homo-
sexual newspapers and magazines as opposed to general periodicals.

Therefore, the subjects were more likely to resemble each other than
nonhomosexual twins.
• Dr. Simon LeVay stated, “In fact, the twin studies . . . suggest that
it’s not totally inborn [homosexuality] because even identical twins
,

are not always of the same sexual orientation.”^

• Dr. Bailey himself stated, “There must be something in the envi-

ronment to yield the discordant twins.

• The researchers failed to investigate the roles that incest or sexual

abuse and other environmental factors play in determining same-sex

attractions. If they had found that incest was more common among
identical twins than fraternal twins or nontwin blood brothers, this

could have helped explain the varying rates of homosexuality.

HAMER STUDY
Dean Hamer et ah, of the National Cancer Institute, “A Linkage Between
DNA Markers on the X Chromosome and Male Sexual Orientation,” re-

20
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

ported in Science magazine, July 1993. The media reported that the “gay
gene” was discovered as a result of this study. The researchers studied 40
pairs of homosexual brothers and suggested that some cases of homosexu-
ality are linked to a specific region on the X chromosome (Xq28) inher-
ited from the mother by her homosexual son. Thirty- three pairs of

brothers shared the same pattern variation in the tip of one arm of the
chromosome. Hamer estimated that the sequence of the given genetic
markers on Xq28 is linked to homosexuality in 64 percent of the brothers.

Brief Critique of the Hamer et al. Study:

• Dr. Kenneth Klivington, assistant to the president of the Salk Insti-

tute in San Diego, states, “There is a body of evidence that shows the
brain’s neural networks reconfigure themselves in response to certain
experience. Therefore, the difference in homosexual brain structure
may be a result of behavior and environmental conditions.”^
• There was no control group. This is poor scientific methodology.
Hamer and associates failed to test the heterosexual brothers. What
if the heterosexual brothers had the same genetic markers?
• It has not been proven that the identified section of the chromo-
somes has a direct bearing on sexuality or sexual orientation.
• One of Hamer’s fellow research assistants brought him up on charges,

saying that he withheld some of the findings that invalidated his

study. The National Cancer Institute is investigating Hamer.^ (To
date, they have not released the results of this investigation.)
• A Canadian research team using a similar experimental design was
unable to duplicate the findings of Hamer’s study.
• Hamer himself emphasizes, “These genes do not cause people to be-
come homosexuals . . . the biology of personality is much more
complicated than that.”^^

COMMENTS ON THESE STUDIES BY OTHER SCIENTISTS

“Evan S. Balaban, a neurobiologist at the Neurosciences Institute in
San Diego, notes that the search for the biological underpinnings of
complex human traits has a sorry history of late. In recent years, re-
searchers and the media have proclaimed the ‘discovery’ of genes
linked to alcoholism and mental illness as well as to homosexuality.
None of the claims, Balaban points out, have been confirmed.

— Scientific America, November 1995

21
 UNDERSTANDING

“Recent studies postulate biologic factors as the primary basis for

sexual orientation. However, there is no evidence at present to sub-

stantiate a biologic theory, just as there is no compelling evidence

to support any singular psychological explanation. While all

behavior must have an ultimate biologic substrate, the appeal of

current biologic explanations for sexual orientation may derive
more from dissatisfaction with the present status of psychosocial
explanations than from a substantiating body of experimental data.

Critical review shows the evidence favoring a biologic theory to be

lacking. In an alternative model, temperamental and personality
traits interact with the familial and social milieu as the individuals

sexuality emerges.
—Archives of General Psychiatry, March 1993

“Reports of morphological differences between the brains of hu-

mans with different sexual orientation or gender identity have fur-

thered speculation that such behaviors may result from hormonal

or genetic influences on the developing brain. However, the causal
chain may be reversed; sexual behavior in adulthood may have
caused the morphological differences. ... It is possible that differ-
ences in sexual behavior cause, rather than are caused by, differ-
ences in brain structure.
— Nature, October 1997

“Upon critical analysis of hormonal theories of homosexuality and

transsexualism, there are no robust data to support the role of hor-
mones in the development of these behaviors or identities among
humans.
—Journal ofNeuropsychiatry, Spring 1993
“The myth of the all-powerful gene is based on flawed science that
discounts the environmental context in which we and our genes
exist. . . . Many modern researchers continue to believe that sexu-
al preference is to some extent biologically determined. They base
this belief on the fact that no single environmental explanation can

account for the development of homosexuality. But this does not

make sense. Human sexuality is complex and affected by many
things. The failure to come up with a clear environmental expla-
nation is not surprising, and does not mean that the answer lies in
biology. Such studies are bound to come up with plenty of mean-

22
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

ingl ess correlations which will get reported as further evidence of

genetic transmission of homosexuality.”^^
—Exploding the Gene Myth, 1993

“In the early ’90s, three highly publicized studies seemed to suggest
that homosexuality’s roots were genetic, traceable to nature rather
than nurture. . . . More than five years later the data have never been
replicated. Moreover, researchers say, the public has misunderstood
‘behavioral genetics.’ Unlike eye color, behavior is not strictly inher-

ited; it needs to be brought into play by a daunting complexity of

environmental factors. . The existence of a genetic pattern among
. .

homosexuals doesn’t mean people are born gay, any more than the
genes for height, presumably common in NBA players, indicate an
inborn ability to play basketball . . . admits biologist Evan Balaban,
‘I think we’re as much in the dark as we ever were.’”^^
—Newsweek, August 17, 1998

“ . . Sexual orientation is not under the direct governance of chro-

.

mosomes and genes, and that, whereas it is not foreordained by

prenatal brain hormonalization it is influenced thereby, and is also

strongly dependent on postnatal socialization.”^^

—American Psychologist, April 1987

“Like all complex behavioral and mental states, homosexuality is

multifactorial. It is neither exclusively biological nor exclusively psy-

chological, but results from an as-yet-difificult-to-quantitate mixture
of genetic factors, intrauterine influences (some innate to the
mother and thus present in every pregnancy, and others incidental
to a given pregnancy), postnatal environment (such as parental, sib-

E ling, and cultural behavior), and a complex series of repeatedly rein-

forced choices occurring at critical phases in development.”^^
^ —Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth, 1 996

CONCLUSIONS
Repeated sexual behavior and environmental conditions change brain
structure and body chemistry, which means the genetic/biological charac-
teristics observed in these studies may be the result of homosexual behav-
ior rather than the cause of it.
All of these studies lack consistency and replication. Their results are in-

conclusive and speculative at best. Simon LeVay, Richard Pillard, and Dean

23
 UNDERSTANDING

Hamer are all self-proclaimed homosexual men. Therefore, I suggest that be-
hind their work is a strong motivation to justify their same-sex attractions.

If homosexuality is a normal sexual orientation, why is only 1 to 3 per-

cent of the population homosexual and not 50 percent? Why are there

more homosexual males than homosexual females?

Masters and Johnson, leading sex researchers in America, state, “The
genetic theory of homosexuality has been generally discarded today. . . . No
serious scientist suggests that a simple cause-effect relationship applies.”^®

There is a preponderance of scientific evidence conducted over the past

eighty years that shows homosexuality to be an acquired condition. Dr. Irving
Bieber, Dr. Charles Socarides, Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, Dr. Elizabeth Moberly,
Dr. Lawrence Hatterer, Dr. Robert Kronemeyer, Dr. E. Kaplan, Dr. Edith
Fiore, Dr. Gerard van den Aardweg, Dr. Earl Wilson, Dr. Jeffrey Sati-

nover — these are but a few of the psychiatrists and psychologists who have
substantiated these findings through years of clinical research and empiri-
cal studies.

The best evidence to disprove a theory is experience. Thousands of men

and women throughout the world have changed from homosexual to het-
erosexual. Mastersand Johnson claim about a 65 percent success rate in
helping people change. Other therapists who report successful treatment
are Drs. Bieber, Socarides, Nicolosi, Hatterer, Gershman, Hadden,
Hamilton, van den Aardweg, Barnhouse, Ellis, and many others. The
National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality
(NARTH) conducted a survey of 860 respondents and found that those
who want to change their sexual orientation may succeed.

Defining Homosexuality
Since same-sex attractions are not inherently caused by biologic or genetic
factors, they are therefore developmentally determined. First, I will give an
overview of the basic motivations behind same-sex attractions. Then, I

will define ten basic factors that contribute to the development of a ho-
mosexual orientation.

A HOMOSEXUALITY IS A SYMPTOM.
Homosexual feelings, thoughts, and desires are symptoms of underlying
issues. They represent a defensive response to conflicts in the present, a
way to medicate pain and discomfort. They represent unresolved child-
hood trauma, archaic emotions, frozen feelings, wounds that never healed.
They also represent a reparative drive to fulfill unmet homo-emotional

24
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

Defining Homosexuality
1. Homosexuality is a symptom.
• Defensive response to present conflicts
• Reaction to unresolved childhood trauma
• Reparative drive to fulfill unmet homo-emotional needs

2. Homosexuality is an emotionally based condition.

• Need for same-sex parent’s love
• Need for gender identity
• Fear of intimacy with someone of the opposite sex

3. Homosexuality is a Same-Sex Attachment Disorder.

• Detachment from same-sex parent
• Detachment from same-sex peers
• Detachment from one’s body
• Detachment from one’s gender

I .
Same-Sex Attachment Disorder (SSAD)

© Richard Cohen, M.A., January 1999

love needs of the past —an unconscious drive for bonding with the same-
sex parent. Dr. Elizabeth Moberly^^ coined and Dr. Joseph Nicolosi^'^ fur-

ther developed the term homo-emotional love need.

A homo-emotional love need is an unconscious drive for bonding be-
tween a son and his father, or between a daughter and her mother. This is

a hidden and profound wound in the soul of anyone who experiences

same-sex attractions. If questioned, the active homosexual would not say
he is looking for his father’s love in the arms of another man. This is often
a hidden, unconscious drive buried deep in the psyche. As Dr. Harville
Hendrix states, “Each of us enters adulthood harboring unresolved child-
hood issues with our parents, whether or not we know it or will admit it.

Those needs have to be met, because their satisfaction is equated, in our

unconscious minds, with survival. Therefore, their satisfaction becomes
the agenda in adult love relationships.”^^

25
 UNDERSTANDING
HOMOSEXUALITY IS AN EMOTIONALLY BASED CONDITION.
There are three underlying drives to same-sex attractions:

• Need for the same-sex parent’s love

Most case histories demonstrate that homosexual thoughts and feelings

originate in preadolescent experiences. Therefore, it is basically a nonsex-

ual condition. “The homosexual love need is essentially a search for par-
enting. . . . What the homosexual seeks is the fulfdlment of these normal
attachment needs, which have abnormally been lefi unmet in the process of
growth. That is, a man is looking for his father’s love through another
man, and a woman is looking for her mother’s love through another
woman. Therefore, the drive is one of reparation, seeking to fulfill unmet
love needs of the past. It is a \\omo- emotional reparative drive.
However, these deeper emotional love needs can never be fulfilled

through sexual relationships. It is tried, tested, and proven that sex never
heals nor fulfills the deeper love needs, simply because they are the unmet
needs of a child. Only through healthy, healing, nonsexual bonding will
true and lasting change occur.^^

• Need for gender identification

The homosexual person feels a lack of masculinity or femininity within

himself or herself and seeks to fulfill this need through another man or
woman. This resulted from a distant or disrupted relationship between
father and son or mother and daughter in early childhood or adolescence.
Gender identity is an awareness of one’s masculinity or femininity. In
homosexual people, there is a feeling of inadequacy and incompleteness in

the inner essence of their being.^® Therefore, they search for the missing part

ofthemselves in another person. Through a sexual contact or union with an-

other person of the same sex, they feel, at least momentarily, whole and
more complete.

• Fear of intimacy with someone of the opposite sex

In the case of a homosexual male, there may have been an abnormally close

mother-son attachment?^ In a marriage where the husband does not meet

the mother’s emotional and physical needs, she may turn to her son for

emotional comfort and support.^^ This is not done with conscious intent
to hurt. Nonetheless, it has a profound and damaging effect upon the psy-
chosexual development of the son. He may overidentify with his mother
and femininity and disidentify with his father and masculinity.

26
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

Later in puberty, the son may experience sexual attraction toward his
mother that leads to extreme guilt and the repression of a normal sexual
drive toward women. He might then turn to men for intimacy and sex,

not wanting to “betray” his mother or reexperience his guilt. This process
may be completely unconscious.^^
The father or another significant man is usually the abuser in the case
of a homosexual female, followed by female sexual abuse. The abuse
could have been sexual, emotional, mental, or physical. This leaves her
deeply traumatized by men. Not wanting to reexperience the memory of
abuse, she then turns to women for comfort, love, and understanding.

HOMOSEXUALITY IS A SAME-SEX ATTACHMENT DISORDER (SSAD).

Homosexuality represents an attachment strain, defensive detachment, or
defensive exclusion from the same-sex parent, same-sex peers, ones own
body, and ones own sense of gender identity.
Homosexuality is an attachment disorder, whereby the individual feels

separated from parents, self, body, and others. “I don’t fit in,” “I don’t be-
long,” “I’m different from the rest,” “I’m neither a boy nor girl,” are some
of the thoughts of those who experience same-sex attractions. The result is

a Same-Sex Attachment Disorder.

Dr. Martha Welch defines four types of attachment in the parent-child
relationship:

• Secure Attachment — Parents are available, responsive, empathic, and

effective; the child is competent, self-confident, resilient/cheerful,
cooperative, and humorous/playful, and tries harder.

• Insecure Resistant Attachment — Parents are sometimes available,

less responsive, less empathic, and less close; the child is clingy, re-

buffing, tense, volatile, impulsive, passive, and defeatist.

• Insecure Avoidant Attachment — Parents are rebuffing (having been
raised by rebuffing parents), avoid closeness, are inconsistent and am-
bivalent, and reject; the child is hostile/bullying, whiny/needy, com-
pulsively self-sufficient, distant, and demonstrates little give and take.
• Insecure Disorganized Attachment — Crosses boundaries of all three
other types of attachment. Mother is depressed, was abused or ne-
glected herself, and is mourning; the child is depressed, anxious,
passive-aggressive, inhibited, clingy/ tearful, gloomy/joyless, hard to

comfort, can’t get out of anger, and will perceive the mother as ne-
glectful because someone else is abusing him even if the mother
doesn’t know about the abuse.

27
 UNDERSTANDING

All children who suffered the three types of insecure attachment experi-
enced separation anxiety and hyperarousal, and therefore learned to cut
off and detach emotionally from self and others.

I submit that anyone who experiences homosexual thoughts, feelings,

and desires has a Same-Sex Attachment Disorder (SSAD). Being homosex-
ually oriented is therefore not gay, nor bad, but SSAD!

Major Causes of Same-Sex Attractions

There is a constellation of contributing variables that may lead an individ-
ual to experience same-sex attractions. The sum is greater than the parts. It

is the combination of the following causes that may lead to homosexual

ideation in either the male or female. A single factor does not cause a Same-
Sex Attachment Disorder. It is the confounding of several variables that
will lead an individual to experience same-sex attractions. The ten variables
are: 1) Heredity, 2) Temperament, 3) Hetero-Emotional Wounds,
4) Homo-Emotional Wounds, 5) Sibling Wounds/Family Dynamics,
6) Body-Image Wounds, 7) Sexual Abuse, 8) Social or Peer Wounds,
9) Cultural Wounds, and 10) Other Factors. (See the chart on the facing
page. Constellation of Potential Variables Creating Same-Sex Attractions.)
There are also differences between male and female homosexuality. In
my years of practice, I have observed that many homosexual females are
attracted to men, but the majority of homosexual males have no attraction
to women. Many homosexual females have been so hurt by men that they
turn to women for their affectional needs. However, their attraction to

men may still exist. Therefore, the psychology behind male and female ho-
mosexuality is different.

HEREDITY
The school of psychology generally accepts the belief that we are born with
a “clean slate,” born pure. Then our parents (caregivers), siblings, and other
environmental influences cause us harm. I believe this concept is an over-
simplification and that we are not born with a “clean slate.” The school of
family systems therapy contributes to the understanding of this concept.
“It is assumed [by intergenerational and transgenerational family sys-

tems theory] that relational patterns are learned and passed down across
the generations and that current individual and family behavior is a result
of these patterns. Thus, accurate assessment of relational patterns, both
functional and dysfunctional, not only is the first step in understanding
families from an intergenerational perspective, but also is an essential step

28
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 UNDERSTANDING
for proper treatment. “Contemporary perspectives on intergenerational
family therapy suggest that difficulties and dysfunctions in relationships
across generations are frequently replicated in subsequent intergenera-
tional relationships, thereby adding to the complexity and potential
trauma formembers of those family systems.
I suggest that we are born with two natures. One is our original
nature, our God-given authentic self, full of purity, goodness, spirituality,

and creativity. We are also born with an inherited nature, consisting of the
victories and failures of our ancestors, our people, and our nation. The
unpleasant side of this inherited nature may consist of unresolved issues,
such as prejudice, addictions, mental disorders, theft, various forms of
abuse, hatred of men or women, and sexual problems. It says in the Old
Testament, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to
anger and abounding in steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity
and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, vis-

iting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children and the childrens chil-

dren, to the third and fourth generation. Other religions call it

karma —what goes around comes around.

What is now being described as genetic predispositioning may also be
interpreted as transgenerational “sin” or the multigenerational transmis-
sion of unresolved family issues. These manifest themselves within the ge-
netic structure of the lineage. “We are born with splits —from ancestors,
in our genes —not all from our parents.
Dr. Bernard Nathanson illuminates the power and mystery of the
The United States government has sponsored a $5 billion program
gene.
known as the Human Genome Project. Its purpose is to identify the struc-
ture and location of all the genes in our body. Theoretically, by next year,

a small sample of blood will be able to determine if someone will get can-
cer or diabetes, how intelligent he will be, and if he is susceptible to vio-
lent crimes or alcoholism, and so on. “Genes are not destiny unaltered and
unadulterated. We can have the gene for alcoholism but may never be-
come a drinker, because we can control To some extent, you have con-
it.

trol of your body. But there is this predilection. The gene gives you the
predilection to alcoholism or violent crimes or whatever the behavioral
gene happens to be.”^®
I therefore believe that we are not born pure. We are born with mental
filters or predilections, which may impact how we view and respond to
any given situation. Mental filters/predilections are like looking at life

through tinted glasses. We see things from a particular perspective, not

30
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

necessarily how they are. A mental filter may cause us to misinterpret

someones actions or words. “The concept of filtering or forming a ‘cogni-
tive sef is closely related to what is called a ‘learning sef or a ‘cognitive

map.’ It is a rule by which a person interprets learning tasks or stimuli

from the environment.”^^ Bert Hellinger, founder of Systemic Family

Therapy in Germany, teaches that we accumulate feelings from family
members known and unknown, i.e., grandparents, great-grandparents, di-
vorced mates, and lovers. These feelings and issues are present in the fam-
ily system and influence all its members.
How this bears on the development of a Same-Sex Attachment Disor-
der (SSAD) may be unique to each individual depending upon the issues
^ in the family system. At the core of a SSAD condition is a sense of not be-
^ longing, not fitting in, and feeling rejected. These feelings and thoughts
may already be an inheritable characteristic of the child. Therefore, he is

born with a predisposition for rejection. He has a propensity to misinterpret

^
his parents’ and others’ behaviors and words. It is not the event that shapes
him, it is his response to the event. Perception becomes reality. This inherita-
ble characteristic may contribute to feelings of rejection and being different^
which is at the heart of the Same-Sex Attachment Disorder.

Jed grew up in a middle-class family. His father was a pillar of the

community. They attended church religiously. Jed’s father was very
critical and demanding, as his father before him was. Jed always felt

insecure and inadequate around his dad, never being able to mea-
sure up to his expectations. At a very early age, Jed emotionally

detached from his father and aligned himself with his mother. I

believe Jed was born with a predisposition for rejection and

detachment. Having hailed from a lineage that endured massive
persecution, Jed easily experienced a feeling of not fitting in, not
measuring up, and being different.

Albert was born into a high-stress family system. His dad was an
executive of a large corporation. He would bring home the burdens
and worries of work and constantly complain about life.
his

Albert’s mom was very unhappy in her relationship with her hus-

band. She would hold her son and share her pain and sorrow with
him. Albert internally detached from both his mom and dad as an
infant. He felt unaccepted, like an outsider. He was sure he had
been adopted, no matter how many times his parents protested
that he was their child. Albert hailed from a lineage that had also

31
 UNDERSTANDING
experienced intense social rejection and discrimination for many
generations. He had a predisposition for experiencing ridicule and
rejection, which he then projected onto his parents and eventually
his siblings and peers.

TEMPERAMENT
Some of the temperamental characteristics that may lead to a Same-Sex
Attachment Disorder are hypersensitivity, a more artistic nature, a more
masculine female, a more feminine male, and a ''high maintenance” child.
The characteristic of hypersensitivity, or greater sensitivity, may be part
of ones original or inherited nature. In this world as it currently exists, I

call this a “curse blessing.” I have observed that many men and women
with a Same-Sex Attachment Disorder also have a greater sensitivity to any
given stimuli. Of course, mean that all sensitive children are
this does not
or will become homosexual. Remember that there is a confounding of fac-
tors that will create this orientation; it is not just one variable alone.
The hypersensitive child will react more deeply than the other children
within the family system. If his family appreciates and understands his
feelings, there will be no danger of the development of a Same-Sex At-
tachment Disorder. If his family mocks or criticizes his feelings and there
are any number of other variables present, this may contribute to a SSAD
condition. He may also have a more compliant nature, rather than an ag-
gressive character, whereby there is a tendency to acquiesce and withdraw
rather than to stand up and speak out.
Having an artistic nature may also be a burden if the family rejects or
misunderstands the child’s gifts. The sensitive child in an insensitive envi-

ronment experiences undue stress on his mental, emotional, and spiritual

development.
A more masculine girl or a more feminine boy, by nature, may also be

the subject of ridicule by parents, siblings, peers, and society. It is the

square-peg-in-the-round-hole effect, causing the child to doubt his or her
original nature. These characteristics are defined as gender nonconforming
behaviors. The child will grow confident in his talents when he is under-
stood, accepted, and encouraged. If he experiences or perceives criticism,
the results will be psycho-social-biological damage. “Society’s differential
response to ‘sissies’ and ‘tomboys’ may be one reason for the difference in

numbers between male and female homosexuals,” says Dr. Dean Byrd.^^

32
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

A brief note: If the child exhibits some of these gender nonconforming

behaviors, it is important for parents to encourage same-sex activities.

Boys need rough-and-tumble activities, even if they have a more sensitive

and/or artistic nature. Girls need to participate in same-sex activities as

well, even if they exhibit a more athletic nature. Identification with ones
own gender is extremely important in the formative years of psychosocial,
psychological, and psychosexual development. Same-sex activities are

most important from preschool through high school years.

The “high maintenance” child requires more specialized care and at-
tention. Those who have children like this may understand what I am de-
scribing. Each child is born with a completely unique temperament. Some

children require much attention, others not as much. The “high mainte-
nance” child needs much reassurance, touch, and constant attention. If his
needs go unmet, a deficit will develop and a poor self-image will ensue.

Bernard was the younger of two boys. His mother embraced his

sensitive nature while his father rejected him. Bernard s father’s fa-

ther was very cold and strict and eventually abandoned his son and
family. Therefore, Bernard’s dad never experienced the warmth, en-
couragement, and touch of his father. Consequently, whenever
Bernard would display emotions, his dad would mock and criticize

him. Bernard soon learned that it was unsafe to express feelings

with men. He emotionally distanced himself from his father and

then doubted his own masculinity.

Matthew’s father grew up during World War II in England.

Matthew’s grandfather was a casualty of war; therefore, Matthew’s
father never experienced paternal love. Matthew’s stepgrandfather
taught his dad that it was sissy and unmanly to show emotions.
This was the philosophy that Matthew’s dad lived by. Therefore,
when Matthew came along and displayed a very sensitive character,
his dad was uncomfortable and distressed while in his presence. He
would scream Matthew to stop crying, stop being such
at a sissy,

and stop touching him. Matthew eventually became like his fa-

ther — a stoic. He also demonstrated oppositional behavior toward

his father, doing everything he could to make him upset. ^

There are numerous stories of men who, as boys, felt their fathers’ disap-

proval because of their sensitivity. They were criticized and mocked instead

33
 UNDERSTANDING

of being accepted and appreciated. What becomes clear is that their fathers’
fathers were rejecting of their own sons’ sensitivity, and in order for their
dads to survive, they had to bury that part of their personality deep in their
unconscious. When the father then observes this sensitivity in his son, he
must suppress in him what he had repressed in himself Otherwise, he will
experience much pain, anger, and grief

HETERO-EMOTIONAL WOUNDS
There has been much literature written about the smother mother, domi-
nating mother, or excessively involved mother. Again, this is not a blame
game. I do not know of any parent who sets out to either hurt or damage
his or her child. Also, it is not merely the events that shape a child’s

character, but his response to the situation, influenced by heredity and

temperament.
Drs. Bieber et al.,^^ Socarides,"^^ Nicolosi,'^^ van den Aardweg,^^
Freud,^^ Siegelman,'^^ Westwood,^^ Schoefield,^^ Thompson et al.,^^ and
Kronemeyer^^ have observed that homosexual men had an abnormally close

mother-son attachment. This relationship between mother and son repre-

sents unhealthy attachment, rather than a healthy sense of bonding. His

mother may be distant from her husband and overattach herself to her

son. Psychologist Dr. Patricia Love calls this the “Emotional Incest Syn-
drome.” The mother may confide all her pain and problems to her son,
making him a substitute spouse. Being so close to his mom, and detached
from his dad, he becomes more and more like her. In such instances, the
boy overidentifies with his mother and femininity and disidentifies with
his father and masculinity.
One client shared, “As a child, I was so confused about my relationship
with my mother, I didn’t know if I was her lover or son. She confided all

her pain and problems to me.” I have observed in the majority of my male
clients this characteristic — an overidentification with the feminine and a
disidentification with the masculine.

The mother may have directly or indirectly criticized the father: “Don’t

be like him.” “He’s no good.” This also distances the son from his father, his

role model of masculinity. In fear of losing his mother’s love, he detaches

from his sense of masculinity (as the masculine father seems to be the
enemy) and becomes a reflection of his mother’s character. said some-
thing disturbing about this complication. He said that when the son is in-

troduced primarily by the mother to feelings, he will learn the female

attitude toward masculinity and takes a female view of his own father and of

34
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

his own masculinity. He will see his father through his mothers eyes.”^^ Dr.
Charles Socarides, in his many studies and articles on homosexual develop-

ment, has found that there is a lack ofseparation!individuation, or differenti-

ation, between the mother and son, which is decisive for gender identification?^

The homosexual female may also have had an abnormally close father-

daughter attachment. Dr. Socarides, as well as Drs. Zucker and Bradley^^ talk
further about daughters who mold themselves in the image of their fathers.
In some cases, the daughter may view the mother as unsafe, ineffectual, or
weak, and therefore choose to model herself after the more competent and
powerful parent, her father. The father may speak poorly about his wife, fur-

ther distancing the daughter from her role model of femininity.

The homosexual female may have been abused either by her father or
significant men in her life, such as a brother, uncle, grandfather, stepfa-

ther, or friend of the family. The abuse could have been sexual, emotional,

mental, and/or physical. She then turns to other women for comfort, love,

and understanding to prevent her from reexperiencing the memory or

memories of abuse.
In other cases, the daughter sees that her distant mother loves Dad.
Therefore, she may overidentify with her father, taking on a more mascu-
line nature and appearance in order to win the affection and approval of
her mother. The son may take on a more feminine appearance to win the
affection and approval of his father.

Another factor in the mother-son or father-daughter relationship is im-

itation of behavior. This is a very strong learning mechanism for all chil-

dren. Their first method of learning is imitation of what they see, feel, and
sense around them. If a son has an unhealthy attachment with his mother,
he will learn a more feminine way of being. If a daughter has an unhealthy
attachment with her father, she will learn a more masculine way of being.
In both cases, the young child may become more and more estranged from
his or her own gender and internalize the nature of the opposite sex. Again,
this inhibits normal psychosocial and psychosexual development.
Finally, if a parent expresses disappointment with the child’s gender or
if the child perceives the parent’s disappointment with his gender, he may
then take on the characteristics of the opposite gender in order to obtain
his parent’s love and acceptance. This may become another factor in cre-
ating gender disidentification. Here are a few case examples:

Robert was his mommy’s precious little boy, sleeping with her and
sharing in all her activities. He was what Dad could not be —an
35
 UNDERSTANDING

attentive and perfect gentleman. The problem was, Robert was a

child, and Mommy was an adult.
Jim’s mother would often criticize her husband for being a failure,
being a nothing, and being less than a man. In fear of losing his
mother’s love, Jim aligned himself with his mother and grew more
and more distant from his father.

John’s father, an academic and head of a scientific agency, never

touched his son. John only experienced his father’s critical nature.

He longed for acceptance and found that in the arms of his mother.
Seeing that his dad loved his mother, he became more and more
like her, hoping to attract the attention and affection of his dad. Of
course, this never came to pass, as he was a boy and not a girl, even

though his actions were more feminine than masculine.

Toni was her father’s favorite. She would play ball with him and his
friends every weekend. From an early would go to the pub
age, she

with her dad and sit by as he and his buddies would drink. Mom
was always busy working, and when at home she was either cook-
ing or doing house chores. Toni longed for her mother’s affection,
which she experienced as unavailable. Again, like John, she mod-
eled herself after her opposite-sex parent in order to win the love of
her same-sex parent. Toni dressed in boy’s clothes, had short hair,
and acted more masculine. However, all these ploys were ineffective
in winning her mother’s love.

HOMO-EMOTIONAL WOUNDS
In the father-son, mother-daughter relationship, a homo-emotional
wound develops if the child perceives or experiences his or her same-sex
parent as either cold, distant, absent, passive, abusive, or unavailable. This
homo-emotional wound is a key factor in the development of what may
later appear as same-sex attractions. In the heart of every man or woman
who experiences same-sex desires is a sense of detachment from his or her

same-sex parent. This may be on a very unconscious level, as the imprint-

ing for this condition may have occurred in utero and in early infancy.
Ninety percent of the brain develops by the time we are three years of age.
Therefore, experiences of detachment, which occurred in the first years of
life, are locked deep in the unconscious mind. That is why many homo-
sexual individuals say, ‘As long as I can remember, I felt different.”

36
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

Drs. Moberly and Nicolosi found that the prehomosexual boy experi-
enced a hurt or disappointment in his relationship with his father. To
protect himself against future hurt, the boy developed a defensive attitude
characterized by emotional distancing. Not only did he fail to identify

with his father, but also, because of the hurt, he rejected his father and the
masculinity he represents. You may read more about attachment disorders
in the works of John Bowlby.^^
The father may have a difficult time relating to his son if he exhibited
any kind of gender nonconforming behaviors, e.g., more feminine, more
artistic, and nonathletic. The fathermay be preoccupied with his own
problems and have no time for his son. The father may abdicate responsi-
bility for parenting by having his wife raise the boy. He may have left the

family, or he may be at home physically, but unavailable emotionally. The

boy may then see his father as emotionally distant, perhaps verbally or
physically abusive, and unavailable. In some cases, there is an emotional
enmeshment between the two, whereby the father enrolls his son into a

peer relationship, and the son loses his identity in order to care for his fa-
ther’s needs.

By experiencing his father’s disapproval, disappointment, or distance,

the son will withdraw from the relationship, feeling hurt and rejected.

This leads to a deep sense of ambivalence toward the same-sex parent

— “I

need you, but you hurt and rejected me, so stay away, but come close and
hold me, but it hurts too much.” Dr. Moberly calls this a defensive de-
tachment reaction, and Dr. Welch calls it an attachment strain. The
child defends himself from future wounding by putting up an imaginary
shield around his heart and soul. He then detaches from his same-sex par-
ent, rejecting his father.

This same-sex ambivalence causes feelings of love and hate to occur at

the He seeks bonding with a man, but underneath that need is

same time.
an angry and hurt little boy. This is why homosexual relationships have a
short life span. Furthermore, these ambivalent feelings toward men func-
tion as a lifelong block against full male identification.^^
This defensive detachment is generally an unconscious decision. The de-
tachment also prevents him from internalizing his own sense of gender iden-
tity. He has cut off psychologically and emotionally from his father, his role
model of masculinity. Hence, a Same-Sex Attachment Disorder is created in
the child. This leads to alienation from the parent, self, and others, and a

feeling of being “different.” When he rejects his primary source of masculine

identification, he is essentially rejecting his own core gender identity.

37
 UNDERSTANDING
On a very deep psychic level, the son feels rejected by his father. This may
originate from a deep source within the child — a heritable predisposition for
being rejected, or an intrauterine experience of feeling unwanted —not nec-
essarily by the parent s actions or words. (I will explain about intrauterine in-

fluences under “Other Factors” below.) Counselor David Seamands said,

“Children are the best tape recorders but the worst interpreters.”^^
The boy, from ages one and a half to three, has an added developmen-
tal task girls do not have. He must separate and individuate from his

mother, and then be initiated into the world of the masculine by his father
or another significant male role model. The girl, even though she, too,
must separate and individuate in this stage of development, will continue
)d to identify with her mother, her primary role model of femininity. Three
things may rob a boy of his masculine role model and his new source of
strength: 1) the mother continues to cling to her son, 2) the father is un-
available or abdicates responsibility to the mother, or 3) the son perceives

rejection from the father. This is a critical time for the son to bond with
his father or other men.^^
It states in My Little Golden Book About GOD, “God is the love of our
mothers kiss, and the warm, strong hug of our daddy’s arms.” Pictured are

both Father and Mother holding their children warmly. Parents are God’s
representatives for children. When children detach from either Mr. or
Mrs. God, they are distancing themselves from their role models of gen-
der identification. Therefore, a defensive detachment from father or
mother may lead to a defensive detachment toward God.
That is why later on, when the adult tries repeatedly to rid himself of
the same-sex desire, it will not go away. This is because the origin of the
desire is one of reparation, to make good on past deficits, the need for
bonding with the same-sex parent, which did not occur sufficiently in the

earliest years of life.^"^

Michael Saia, in his book. Counseling the Homosexual, speaks of a five-

phase model that leads to the development of a Same-Sex Attachment

Disorder:

First: The child feels or perceives rejection from the same-sex parent.
Second: The child rejects the same-sex parent.
Third: The child rejects his gender identity, saying unconsciously, “If
men are that way, then I don’t want to be like them.”
Fourth: The child rejects himself because he is the same gender of the
parent he just rejected. Again, he unconsciously says, “If Daddy

38
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

is not good, and he is a man, then I am not good, because I

am a boy.”

Fifth: The child then rejects others of the same gender, as a defensive

reaction of self-protection against further wounding.^^

During puberty, the unmet homo-emotional needs are experienced as ho-

mosexual feelings. The individual may then spend a lifetime trying to ful-
fill those unmet needs for attachment through sexual relationships.
Of course, the defensive detachment may occur with the opposite-sex
parent. This is why so many marriages break up and so many men and
women seek opposite-sex partners but find it very difficult to commit
to a truly intimate relationship. The defensive detachment toward the
opposite-sex parent lodges deep in their hearts. They are experiencing an
Opposite-Sex Attachment Disorder (OSAD). Until the individual extracts
the wounds, defensive behaviors continue to plague adult attempts at in-
timacy. (My next book will be entitled Healing Heterosexuality.)

Chris’s father was authoritative and punitive. Chris was sensitive

and perceived his father’s strictness as personal rejection. Because of

this, Chris continued to seek refuge in the safety of his mother’s
world, identifying more with her and his sister than with his dad
and brothers. This attitude spilled over into his school-age years.

Chris was always the teacher’s pet, doing great in academics, yet so-
cially inept in relating to the other boys. In his adult life, Chris fan-
tasized about being sexually intimate with the men he admired. Fiis

need for his father’s love and approval had translated itself into sex-

ual desires after puberty. Today, Chris is becoming more authentic

as a man among men, speaking more openly with his dad, and
learning to befriend other men as equals.

Another young man I counseled was Bob. When he entered ther-

apy, he thought his relationship with his father was nearly perfect.
It took quite a while to untangle this enmeshed affair, for his father

had enrolled him into a peer relationship. Bob spent his life trying

to compensate wounds and weaknesses. His

for his father’s father
had shared his problems and pain with him throughout his child-

hood, adolescence, and early adulthood. His dad isolated himself

from the world and had no close friends except his son. In re-

sponse, Bob had learned to deny his feelings and needs, reinventing
himself as his father’s savior, best friend, and confidant.

39
 UNDERSTANDING

After Bob strengthened his sense of self-worth and developed

firm boundaries, he began the process of successfully separating
and individuating from his father. This was frightening for Bob.
Each time he slipped back into being the good little boy and
pleaser, same-sex attractions emerged. When he stood in his power
and expressed himself in a healthy, positive, and assertive manner,
he experienced a newfound masculinity. When he thoughtlessly ac-
quiesced to his father and other authority figures, his same-sex fan-
tasies blossomed. Again, the Same-Sex Attachment Disorder is a

symptom, a defensive response to past and present conflicts.

Bob worked to heal his relationship with his father. He now ex-
presses himself as an adult, rather than a good little boy. He let go

of expecting his father to change and is making the necessary

changes in his life to mature into his God-given masculine identity.

I have counseled several men whose fathers were in the military or gov-
ernment. Because of their service to the country, they were often away for
extended periods of time. This left their sons feelings abandoned and
alone. Other men had fathers who were physically present, yet emotion-
ally absent. As much as they tried to win their fathers’ love, their dads re-

mained distant and unavailable. Another group of men had fathers who
were workaholics. Their fathers were never home enough to become seri-
ously involved in their sons’ lives. Others had fathers who were alcoholics,
drug addicts, sports addicts, and/or rageaholics. They experienced the war
of their fathers’ mood swings, never knowing when Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde
would show up. They had to be on guard 100 percent of the time.

SIBLING WOUNDS/FAMILY DYNAMICS

The prehomosexual boy, who exhibits a character difference or physical
disability, may bear the brunt of emotional, mental, physical, and/or sex-

ual abuse by his siblings. If the same-sex sibling, especially an elder, criti-

cizes him, this may contribute to gender disidentification.*"^ This may be

another factor that reinforces the boy’s poor self-image.
The potential homosexually oriented individual may be the oldest,
middle, youngest, or only child in the family system. The oldest may be-
come the family hero or parentified child, taking on a more adult role to

solve the family problems, thus losing his sense of identity. (The parenti-
fied child is one who loses his childlike nature and takes on a more adult
persona, thus becoming more like a parent than a child. He knows too

40
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

much The next child may become the rebel, manifesting be-
too soon.)
havioral problems. The rebel acts out in a negative manner in order to
gain attention and affection. The middle child may become withdrawn,
not appearing to have as many needs as the oldest or youngest. He be-
comes invisible, shy, or isolated. His needs seem to be less important than
the others. The youngest child may be indulged or spoiled. He may also

be the recipient of the unexpressed feelings of the entire family system.

When he expresses their repressed feelings, he is then identified as the

“problem child.” The youngest child may be a performer or clown as a

means of obtaining attention and affection.

Brad was the youngest of four. His older brother, Mark, was the
tyrant of the family. Mark and his dad had an extremely antagonis-
tic relationship. Brad’s dad would beat on Mark, then Mark would
beat on Brad. Mark would physically abuse Brad when no one else

was around. He would also verbally abuse Brad, i.e., “sissy,” “fag-

got,” “queer.” Brad lived in fear of Mark’s fits of rage. This rela-

tionship caused Brad to further distance himself from his father

and men.
One way of coping with the distress of his relationship with
Mark, the absence of his alcoholic father, and the unhealthy at-

tachment with his mother, was to be the peacemaker of the family.

When the siblings would argue or his parents would fight. Brad
would jump right in to make smooth the path between them all.

He was the performer and peacemaker, trying to create harmony in

the midst of chaos.

Several other men I counseled had same-sex siblings who would chastise

and criticize them for their more sensitive nature. Name-calling was a
common experience. Generally, the older brothers had poor relationships
with their fathers and would take out their frustrations on the younger
brothers. Others played the part of the family hero — getting good grades,
being the pleaser. However, no matter how hard they tried, they never ex-
perienced the love they so desired.

BODY-IMAGE WOUNDS
Late bloomer, early maturation, physical disabilities, shorter, taller, skin-
nier, or fatter — these are some characteristics that may result in body-
image wounds. Bodily attributes may cause pain because of peer or
parental reactions. Body-image wounds seem to be quite high on the scale

41
 UNDERSTANDING

of contributing variables. Many, if not all, whom I have counseled felt a

lower sense of self-worth due to feelings of inadequacy about their physi-

cal appearance. They detached from their fathers and then detached from
their own gender. Finally, they detached from their own bodies, as they
were reminders of the masculinity they rejected.

In adolescence, some did not develop as quickly as others and therefore

felt inferior to peers. Others were either overweight or extremely thin,
which contributed to a sense of low self-worth. Others were shorter, never
grew taller like their friends or peers, and were left feeling inadequate and
insecure. Still others may have had some kind of physical disability and re-

ceived or perceived social criticism and rejection. Again, body-image

wounds seem to be an important factor with many who have developed
same-sex attractions.

I worked with a tall, handsome man named Dirk. If you saw him,
you would never imagine he ever struggled with his body image.
Today, Dirk is a bodybuilder and very muscular. However, when in

school, he felt athletically incompetent and socially inferior to the

other boys. To heal these wounds in adulthood, he engaged in a va-

riety of sports, learned to be one of the guys, and finally learned to
enjoy himself. Several organizations that help individuals come out
of homosexuality organize sports activities to help them overcome
their fear of athletics and competition.

Dan was a firefighter, the stereotypical image of a macho man: hand-

some, muscular, athletic, and educated. However, he felt inferior to

other men and attracted to adolescent boys. Dan was a late bloomer.

He entered puberty around fifteen years of age. When he had to

shower with the other boys after gym class, he felt ashamed and em-
barrassed because of his lack of physical maturity. Dan felt unable to
share his pain with his father. His dad was a workaholic and an alco-

holic. In addition, he would beat on Dan while intoxicated. There-

Dan became developmentally stuck in prepubescent years. Even
fore,

though he matured and blossomed into a handsome, powerful man

as an adult, he still felt inferior to other men.

One group of men I counseled was physically shorter than the average
male. This impacted their sense of gender identity. Each was emotionally
detached from his father. This detachment, combined with the shorter
height, made them feel inferior to other men. Others were overweight.

42
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

extremely thin, or had some kind of physical disability. This created a

sense of gender disidentification in each case.

SEXUAL ABUSE
Childhood sexual abuse occurred in a high percentage of homosexual
adults. Research studies and clinical observations support this claim. Men
have sexually abused 90 percent of homosexual females, and 75 to 85 per-
^
cent of homosexual males have been sexually abused.
Patrick Dimock*^^ and Mike Lew^^ found confusion over sexual orien-
tation as a result of early sexual abuse. David Finkelhor, leading researcher
in the area of child sexual abuse, in his book Child Sexual Abuse: New The-
ory and Research (New York: Free Press, 1984), and Johnson and Shrier, in

their article “Sexual Victimizationof Boys” (Journal ofAdolescent Health

CarCy 1985), both found a statistically strong correlation between child-
hood sexual abuse and homosexual activity in adolescence and adulthood.
“Boys victimized by older men were over four times more likely to be cur-
rently engaged in homosexual activity than were non-victims.”^^ Johnson
and Shrier studied adolescents over a six-year period and found those who
had been molested “identified themselves as currently homosexual nearly
seven times as often and bisexual nearly six times as often” as those who
had not been molested.^^
Dr. Charles Socarides and other therapists have observed that a high
percentage of their clients were sexually abused as children. Wendy Maltz
and Beverly Holman confirm, “Studies of boys who were sexually victim-
ized by men do indicate that a high percentage of them relate homosexu-
ally as adults. Many directors of ex-gay ministries have reported that a
high percentage of men and women seeking help have experienced child-

hood sexual abuse.

Most sexually abused children had already developed a defensive de-
tachment toward the same- and/or opposite-sex parent. The male child,

disidentified with his dad and overidentified with his mom, is more sus-

ceptible to abuse by a male perpetrator. Perpetrators easily perceive the

child who unmet homo-emotional need. Most often, the per-

harbors this
petrators are family members or close friends of the family. The insidious
nature of abuse is that it first begins as emotional intimacy and later
becomes sexual. The perpetrator gains the trust of the child, fulfilling
basic unmet homo-emotional love needs. Then he alters the relationship

to include sex. This is a very confusing message to a hungry and im-

pressionable child. Here, the psychic wiring and physiology of the child

43
 UNDERSTANDING

become confused because the messages of love, sex, and intimacy become
intertwined, especially when it involves homosexual behavior. “Some sur-

vivors may adopt the orientation role of the abuse because they experi-
enced sexual arousal during the abuse, and they may think that this
arousal proves the orientation role they had in the abuse. The child
starves for the same-sex parents love. Being emotionally detached from
this source of love, he may repeat the learned sexual behavior as a means
of fulfilling unmet homo-emotional love needs.

Steve’s father, an alcoholic, was physically abusive toward both his

wife and Steve. At the age of six, a neighbor sexually abused him.
This occurred again at ages nine and ten by older boys in the com-
munity. These experiences, coupled with his detachment toward
his father, laid the foundation for homosexual acting-out behavior
throughout his adult life. Through successful treatment, Steve was
able to grieve the losses of his past and cut the ties that connected
him to his same-sex attractions. Today, he is free of homosexual
desires.

Another case is Howard. His father was away on business trips

much of the time, and when at home, was quite passive in his rela-
tionship with his son. When Howard was four years old, an older
schoolboy named Robert sexually abused him. He had known
Robert for some time. Howard received attention, affection, and
then sexual intimacy from him. This created a pattern in Howard’s
body, which told him that to receive love from a man, he must have
sex with him. As an adult, he continued to act out homosexually
whenever pressure built up in his life. This was his outlet, his quick
fix for masculine bonding.

I can share dozens of similar cases illustrating that sexual abuse is one more
factor that may contribute to homosexual ideation.

SOCIAL OR PEER WOUNDS

Some experiences and characteristics individuals with same-sex attractions
have lived through include name-calling, put-downs, goody-goody,
teacher’s pet, nonathletic, lack of rough-and-tumble for boys, and too
much rough-and-tumble for girls.

Social and peer wounds also rate high on the scale of contributing vari-
ables. The majority of individuals who experience same-sex attractions

44
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

have felt socially inept or out of place. There seem to be two polarities in-
volved: inferiority or grandiosity
— “Fm better than all the rest of them,”
or “Fm not as good as them.” The individual may flip-flop from inferior

to grandiose many times within a day.

“Fathers may influence children in ways that mothers don’t, particularly
in areas such as the child’s peer relationships and achievement at school.

Research indicates, for example, that boys with absent fathers have a harder
time finding a balance between masculine assertiveness and self-restraint.

Consequently, it’s tougher for them to learn self-control and to delay grat-
ification, skills that become increasingly important as boys grow and reach
out for friendship, academic success, and career goals. A father’s positive

presence can be a significant factor in a girl’s academic and career achieve-

ment as well, although the evidence here is more ambiguous. It’s clear,

however, that girls whose fathers are present and involved in their lives are

less likely to become sexually promiscuous at a young age, and more likely

to forge healthy relationships with men when they become adults.

Dr. Gerard van den Aardweg believes that lack of peer bonding is a

major factor in the creation of a SSAD condition. “The strongest associa-

tion, then, is not found between homosexuality and father-child and
mother-child relationships, but between homosexuality and peer rela-

tionships’ . . . Feeling less masculine or feminine as compared to same-sex

peers is tantamount to the feeling of not belonging.

Many prehomosexual boys lack proper eye-hand coordination and
athletic inclination and feel inferior to their male classmates. Even those
who did participate in athletics may have felt, internally, less adequate or
inferior. Still, other artistically inclined boys withdrew entirely from
sports, either by nature or as a defensive reaction to the masculine experi-
ence of being detached from Dad, brothers, and his own body. To com-
pensate for his low self-worth, he may become a perfectionist. Toxic

perfectionism represents the psyche’s attempt to obtain acceptance.

“Studies of three- and four-year-old children conducted by Ross Parke
and Kevin MacDonald provide evidence to this link between fathers’ phys-
ical play and how children get along with peers. Observing children in
twenty-minute play sessions with their dads, the researchers found that kids
whose fathers showed high levels of physical play were most popular among
their peers. An interesting and significant qualifier emerged in this study,

however: Kids with highly physical dads were nondirective, noncoercive.

The children whose dads were highly physical but also highly bossy received

the lowest popularity scores. Other studies have provided similar evidence.

45
 UNDERSTANDING
Across the board, researchers have found that children seem to develop the
best social skills when their dads keep the tone of their interactions positive
and allow kids to take part in directing the course of play.”^*"

Many athletically inclined women were subject to social mockery as girls

because of these innate gifts. Some girls may have been more into rough-
and-tumble and less into dolls because of nature and/or nurture. If other el-

ements, such as homo-emotional wounding and/or hetero-emotional

wounding, were present, then this characteristic may have just been another
contributing factor in the development of same-sex attractions.
In the healing process, it is men to learn to be men
very important for
among men, and for women to learn to be women among women. Learn-
ing to participate in group sports for men and feminine activities for women
is an important aspect for healing and experiencing gender identity.

David was the teacher’s pet throughout elementary, junior, and se-

nior high school. He received many awards for high academic

achievement and good behavior. However, he never knew how to
relate to the other students. He was a little adult, not knowing how
to be a child. He knew too much, too soon, as he was his mother’s
confidant and best friend.

Chris was a very religious boy. He served in his church’s youth

group, participated in retreats, studied the Bible, and mentored
other children. However, he was extremely distant from his father
and believed he was different from the rest of the boys. At school,
many called him a “faggot,” “sissy,” or “queer.” He hated himself
and longed to be loved by a man.

Randy was athletically challenged. He did not know how to throw

a ball, swing a bat, or run fast. His dad was busy teaching other
boys, and Randy felt neglected and inferior. Being more sensitive

and withdrawn, he never asked his father for instruction. Instead,

he carried this wound throughout his childhood and adolescence.

He was never chosen for any of the teams when the kids would play
games at school. During recess, he would sit on the sidelines,

watching enviously as the other kids played.

CULTURAL WOUNDS
Cultural wounds are experienced from the media, educational system, en-
tertainment industry, Internet, and pornography. These influences lead to

46
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

the molestation of the mind. Today, people are buying into the “myth” that
homosexuality is a natural, normal, innate state of being. This is not true.

There is no scientific evidence to prove this theory. Some say that several an-
imals are naturally homosexual. This is a distortion of creation to fit some-
one’s desperate attempt to legitimize a condition born out of emotional
brokenness. “Preferential homosexuality is not found naturally in any in-
frahuman mammalian species. Masculine/feminine differences and hetero-
sexual preferences are quite consistent up through the phylogenetic scale.

Communism and the homosexual movement have both utilized the

same strategy, which is known as the Big Lie Theory. It is a very simple
principle that works like this: If you repeat anything long enough, and loud
enough, over time it will become known as a fact. Some examples of these
big lies, turning myths into facts, are: “Homosexuals are born this way”;
“Once gay, always gay”; “Homosexuals cannot change”; and “Ten percent
of the population is homosexual.” These are all myths. They are all false.

If you take a frog and place him in boiling water, he will die immedi-
ately. If you take a frog and place him in mild water, he will happily swim.
Gradually, you begin to turn up the heat. If you do it ever so slightly, he
will not notice the temperature change. Eventually, the water reaches boil-
ing level, and without notice, he dies.

And so it has gone with our cultural attitude toward homosexuality.

Years ago, there was outrage and misunderstanding. Now, there is accep-
tance and misunderstanding. Members of the homosexual movement
have planted myths into our culture and continued to repeat these myths
over a period of decades. Now, without our noticing it, homosexuality is
accepted as an alternate lifestyle. For a more comprehensive overview of

how this was achieved, please read chapter 14 about the agenda, strategies,
and “Gay Rights Movement.”
goals of the
Many people believe these myths about homosexuality, which are
propagated by the media (newspaper, radio, TV, magazines), the enter-
tainment industry, the educational system, academia, the psychological
community, and religious institutions. Through constant repetition of
these myths, many intelligent and well-intentioned people have come to
believe these lies.

Now most schools, colleges, and universities throughout the world are
teaching our children on the platform of human rights and social equality,
that homosexual people are born way and cannot change. The pro-
this

motion of these myths is another factor that may influence someone to

47
 UNDERSTANDING

become homosexual, or pull him over the line. This is cultural indoctri-

nation for impressionable youths who are still confused about their sexual
identities. There 60 percent divorce rate in the United
is presently a 50 to
States, which means many children are growing up without a same-sex
parent. The National Fatherhood Initiative reported that by 1990, ap-
proximately 14 million children lived in mother-only households. This
makes these children more vulnerable to cultural influences.

In the words of some homosexual activists, “The first order of business

is the desensitization of the American public concerning gays and gay
right. . . . You can forget about trying to persuade the masses that homo-
sexuality is a good thing. But if you can get them to think that it is just an-

other thing with a shrug of their shoulders, then your battle for legal and
social rights is virtually won.”^^

On the Internet, a young child may download pornography, seeing every

imaginable and unimaginable sexual act between two men, two women, two
or more of anyone or anything. This is sexual abuse and the rape of our chil-

dren’s minds. Also, in many schools, sex-education curricula are teaching the
normalcy of homosexuality, where to get it, and how to do it.

American TV shows, major motion pictures, and local news reports

embrace homosexuality and homosexual relationships. In this way, more
and more wounded and love-starved children are being deprived of true
liberation by being enrolled into this big lie. Homosexuality is a develop-

mental disorder that leads to immense “dis-ease” and emotional unrest.

The Gay Rights Movement, the media, the educational system, and
the mental-health profession tell us that homosexuality is normal and nat-
ural. Let us observe some of the statistics about homosexual behavior and
see if this condition is, in fact, normal:

• The Kinsey Institute published a study of homosexual males living

in San Francisco which reports that 43 percent had sex with 500 or
more 28 percent had sex with 1,000 or more partners, and
partners,

79 percent said that over half of their sex partners were strangers.
• An American Public Health Association survey reported that 78
percent of homosexual people surveyed have been infected by a sex-
ually transmitted disease.^®
• A National Lesbian-Gay Health Foundation report revealed that
alcohol and drug abuse were three times more prevalent among
homosexual individuals than among heterosexual individuals.^^
• A report by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services,

48
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

Task Force on Youth Suicide, in 1989 revealed that one-third of all

teenage suicides are committed by those who suffer from homosex-
ual problems. This is an extremely high percentage considering that
only 1 to 3 percent of the population is homosexual.
• Homosexual men are six times more likely to have attempted sui-

cide than heterosexual men.^^

• McWhirter and Mattison, both therapists who are homosexual,
conducted a survey of 156 male couples. The results were reported
in their book.The Male Couple. They found that 95 percent of the
couples were unfaithful, and the 5 percent that were faithful had
been together five or fewer years. This statistic is glaring in compar-
ison to surveys conducted about the fidelity of heterosexual couples.
The American Journal ofPublic Health reported a survey conducted
with over 2,000 respondents and revealed that during a five-year pe-
riod, only 6.4 percent of married couples were unfaithful, which
means that 93.6 percent were faithful. The National Opinion Re-
search Center in Chicago reported that, from over 3,400 respon-
dents surveyed, about 3 to 4 percent of currently married people
have a sexual partner besides their spouse in a given year, and about
15 to 17 percent of married people have a sexual partner other than
their spouse while married.^^ These results are opposite to the 95
percent of unfaithful homosexual couples. McWhirter and Matti-
son themselves state, “The expectation for outside sexual activity

was the rule for male couples and the exception for heterosexuals.”^^
• “Homosexuals are at least 12 times more likely to molest children than
heterosexuals; homosexual teachers are at least 7 times more likely to

molest a pupil; homosexual teachers are estimated to have committed

at least 25 percent of pupil molestation; 40 percent of molestation as-

saults were made by those who engage in homosexuality.”^*^

These show us clearly that homosexual behavior is neither nor-

statistics

mal nor natural. Members of the homosexual community argue that so-
cial intolerance and prejudice cause these destructive behaviors. 1 believe
there is some merit to this argument. However, the deeper reason for these

unhealthy behaviors is the emotional brokenness that caused the homo-

sexual condition in the first place. The social prejudice merely exacerbates
the already-existing pain lodged deep in their souls.

Kurt, an honors student at a magnet high school, became addicted

to male pornography on the Internet. His father installed many

49
 UNDERSTANDING

devices on the computer to keep him from accessing those Web

sites. However, Kurt was able to break each code and continued to
view pornography regularly. What he saw and what he read en-
rolled him further and further into the homosexual lifestyle. This
led to compulsive masturbation and isolation from his peers.

Nathans wife sent him to see me in hopes that I could “fix” him.
Nathan revealed to his wife that he was “gay” and would seek di-

vorce after twenty years of marriage. Nathan had repressed his

same-sex attractions for almost fifty years. Now, he would seek to
fulfill those “natural” desires. Having read the media reports about
the “gay gene” and the biological explanations for homosexuality,

he was convinced that he was born “gay.” He eventually moved out,

divorced his wife, went into the homosexual lifestyle, and died of
AIDS while seeking Mr. Right.

OTHER FACTORS
Divorce, death, intrauterine experiences, adoption, and religion are some
other influential factors that may cause a SSAD condition. If the parents
divorce, if a parent dies, or another close family member dies, the child

may interpret this experience as personal rejection and further detach

from others and self.

Children naturally self-blame for their parents divorce, and may even
do so regarding the death of a parent. A harrowing message resonates deep
in the unconscious of the child: “If only I was better, if only I had done
, then Mommy and Daddy would not have divorced, or Daddy
would not have died.” This thought may be completely unconscious to
the adult-child.
“The fact that most grown children of divorce are alienated from at

least one parent and a substantial minority is alienated from both is, we
believe, a legitimate cause for societal concern. It means that many of
these young people are especially vulnerable to influences outside the fam-
ily, such as from boyfriends or girlfriends, other peers, adult authority fig-

ures, and the media. Although not necessarily negative, these influences
are unlikely to be an adequate substitute for a stable and positive relation-
ship with a parent.
Intrauterine experiences may contribute to the child’s detaching from
one or both parents. If the mother was experiencing difficulty in her rela-

tionship with her husband while carrying the child or if she felt rejected.

c50
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

unloved, or unwanted by him or she experienced any other painful feelings

during pregnancy, the unborn child within may have experienced these
thoughts and feelings as though they were directed at him or her. Psychia-
trist Dr. Thomas Verny states, “The womb is the child’s first world. How
he experiences —
it as friendly or hostile —does create personality and char-
acter predispositions. The womb, in a very real sense, establishes the child’s

expectations. If it has been a warm, loving environment, the child is likely

to expect the outside world to be the same. This produces a predisposition

toward trust, openness, extroversion, and self-confidence. The world will

be his oyster, just as the womb has been. If that environment has been hos-
tile, the child will anticipate that his new world will be equally uninviting.

Y He will be predisposed toward suspiciousness, distrust, and introversion.

Relating to others will be hard, and so will self-assertion. Life will be more
difficult for him than for a child who had a good womb experience.
Dr. Verny cites study after study conducted throughout the States and
Europe, showing clearly that the first life experiences in the womb shape a
child’s personality. The results of his investigation were the following:
1) The fetus can see, hear, experience, taste, and feel; 2) What the child
feels and perceives begins to shape his attitude and expectations about life;

3) The chief source of those shaping messages is the child’s mother; and 4)
The father’s feelings toward his wife and unborn child also influence the
fetus. Dr. Verny calls this field prenatal psychology. You can read case
histories and numerous studies that describe the effects of prenatal and
birth experiences upon the personality of the child in his book. The Secret
Life of the Unborn C/?///?/ (New York: Dell, 1981).

Dr. Monika Lukesch, a psychologist at Constantine University in Ger-

many, studied two thousand pregnant women. She concluded that the
mother’s attitude toward her unborn child had the single greatest effect on
how the infant matured.^^ Dr. Dennis Stott studied over thirteen hundred
^ children and their families. He estimates that a woman involved in a
stormy marriage runs a 237 percent greater risk of bearing a psychologi-
cally or physically damaged child than a woman in a secure relationship.^^

Leanne Payne, a noted pastoral therapist, speaks about assisting several

individuals heal from the effects of painful intrauterine experiences. “It is no

small thing, for example, to see a person healed who has been hospitalized,
perhaps several times, due to rejections they experienced before birth.”^^
Adoption may also contribute to an attachment disorder with either
the same-sex and/or opposite-sex parent. If the child does not securely

51
 UNDERSTANDING
attach with his or her same-sex adopted parent, then a Same-Sex Attach-
ment Disorder may ensue.

Sarah clung to her adopted mother. She was constantly needy and at
other times rebuffing. After high school, she sought other women to

fulfill her constant need for attention and affection. Her relation-

ships were short-lived. Beneath her homosexual desire was an am-

bivalent child who felt unloved and rejected by her birth mother.

Another contributing factor may be religion. Particular religious beliefs

may impact the child in a negative way if there is already a detachment

from either one or both parents. Parents are the first representatives of

God for children. They are the visible manifestation of an invisible God.
They symbolize our role model for masculinity (Mr. God) and our role

model of femininity (Mrs. God). God represents an extension of the fa-

ther figure. If the child rejects his parents, it follows that he may easily re-

ject his parents’ religious beliefs. This distances him from God, parents,
authority figures, and a sense of belonging in the world. Dr. Nicolosi
states that the “coming out” process is actually the manifestation of a de-
fensive detachment on a social scale.

Alan never bonded with his father or mother. He never felt as if he

belonged to his family. In his therapy, he eventually retrieved an in-

trauterine memory of experiencing intense pain and anguish. He

grieved as he reexperienced those dark memories. He was born feel-

ing unwanted and unloved: “I don’t belong here. Why did you have
me?” Later, he spoke to his mother and asked her what she experi-
enced during those nine months while she carried him in her womb.
She told him that his dad was having an affair with another woman
at that time, and she felt unwanted and unloved. In an instant, Alan
realized that he had internalized and personalized her feelings.

Ivan’s mother attempted an abortion while in her second trimester.

The attempt failed and Ivan was born. He always felt an animosity
toward his mother and distance from his father. Similar to Alan, he
felt as if he did not belong, did not fit in, and was not meant to be

alive. Until he questioned his mother about his birth experience, he

never knew about her attempt to abort him.

c52
 DEFINITIONS AND CAUSES

Jerry was perfectionistic. If only he got it right, then he would be

accepted and loved. After receiving Communion at church for the
first time, he went home and broke a vase that meant so much to

his mother. He never forgave himself for that mistake, and conse-
quently grew more distant from God and his parents’ religious be-
liefs. He felt inadequate, no matter how hard he tried to succeed.
Jerry was hypervigilant in his efforts to be the perfect little boy.
Being more sensitive and withdrawn, he never shared with his par-
ents how bad he felt about himself To him, God became his ulti-

mate accuser and judge.

Summary
These ten influences heredity, temperament, hetero-emotional wounds, homo-
emotional wounds, sibling wounds/family dynamics, body-image wounds, sex-
ual abuse, social or peer wounds, cultural wounds, and other factors:

divorce!death!intrauterine experiences!adoption!religion — represent major fac-

tors that contribute to the creation of same-sex attractions in men and
women. By addressing each one of these issues, by uncovering their mean-
ing and impact, the individual may heal and fully recover the ability to ex-

perience his own gender identity and a sense of self-worth.

A final observation I have made in working with clients over the past

years is this:

The greater the detachmentfrom feelings, thoughts, and needs in the pre-

sent, and the greater the detachment from the unresolved wounds and
unmet needs of the past, the greater or more intense the desire will be for

homosexual relations.

The more a person is unaware of his thoughts, feelings, and needs in

present relationships, the stronger the need and energy attachment will
be to engage in or fantasize about homosexual behavior. Sex then be-
comes a way back to the body and soul, either through masturbation
(self-sex) or sex with another person. He is trying to obtain his lost self or
disassociated parts. Therefore, seeking sex or compulsive masturbation
represents a reparative drive to restore the broken self The frustration is

that this never works!

53
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 CHAPTER THREE

/ asked several individuals that I have had the privilege ofcounseling to share their

stories with you. In their words, you willfurther explore and understand the process
ofhealing. lam deeply grateful to each one ofthem for their courage to heal and re-
veal themselves before you. lam confident their words ofhope will bless you. Names,

dates, and other details have been changed to maintain confidentiality.

oth of my parents were born during the Depression. They entered

B into a life

ancestry passed from

of fear, desperation, and pessimism. The shadows from
my grandparents to my parents to me. My father at-
my

tempted to resolve his problems, unsuccessfully, during his mid-twenties.

My mother lived with her parents for a few years after graduating college,
thinking that she’d never marry. When my father was twenty-eight and
my mother twenty-five, they met and soon married. Five years later, my
sister was born. After another four years, I was born. My birth was diffi-

cult for my mother. I weighed ten pounds, and my mother is a small

—
woman not an easy task for her. I entered the world with difficulty.
When I was only ten months old, I got sick, and the doctors hospital-
ized me for one week. For the next several years, I found myself visiting
doctors often, with various respiratory problems. From my early years, I

carried a feeling that I was close to death, that I was weak, and that I

would not survive. I became very disconnected from my body and felt as
 UNDERSTANDING
if it were a foreign object. I avoided sports, roughness, and other physical
activities that might make me feel as if I would die and cause me to feel

unsafe.
Early in my life, I shut down emotionally. For whatever reason — pos-
sibly misperception or lack of skill —my needs were often not met. I had
problems connecting with my father. Because of his problems that pre-
cluded him from fully connecting with me, I was not able to fully inter-

Most boys go through a phase in their toddler years

nalize his masculinity.

in which they become more independent from their mothers and identify

—
more with their own gender their father or some other masculine role
model. My father and I never connected. He, unknowingly, may have re-
jected me, and I, in turn, rejected him. I figured if males treat me that way,

I don’t want to be like them. I quickly began to close myself off from oth-
ers. I sought my mother out for comfort. When I began school, I soon re-
alized that if I brought home good grades, my parents might notice me

and give the attention I wanted, needed, and craved. At the time, I

thought that what I did constituted how good a person I was. I worked
very hard to do well academically, to be the best student, and never mis-
behave. When I was seven, I began playing the violin. I soon had two op-
pressive teachers: one, a tyrannical man, prone to violent outbursts; the

other, a stiff, elderly German woman who was very demanding. I shut
down more. My life was one of school, practice, study, and pursuing adult
events, such as attending concerts. I further buried my longing for Dad’s
love and affection. Mom’s acceptance of me as a male, and my desire to
just be and live.

I always felt as if something horrible was just around the corner: death,
injury, accidents, and the list goes on. I continued to build my isolated life
with more academics, more concerts, more practicing. I wanted to be

seen! I thought it was the key to my happiness. Deep down, I longed to fit

in as one of the guys — to play sports, to have fun, to throw away the coat
and tie and be a boy! On the outside, to my parents, family, and teachers,
I was the perfect little boy with good grades, a gifted talent with an inter-

est in academics. In a few instances, I experienced belonging with my own

gender: when I visited my outgoing, loving uncle or when I got the
courage to play rough with other boys. Inevitably, something always hap-
pened that made me run back into my isolated life: sickness, a “bad” test

score, or getting yelled at in school. I thought that the cause of these “mis-
fortunes” was that no one was disciplining me enough — because I wasn’t
doing enough. I had some friends in school. They were mostly those who

56
 STEVE

were in the same boat as me: overachievers and other “doers.” I found
solace listening to music, which warmed my soul. What my soul really
wanted was to be a boy, to be loved by Dad, accepted by Mom, and able
to make mistakes and break beyond my safe world.
My self-worth was very low. I thought that everyone else was better
looking, richer, smarter, and faster than me. My sister became rebellious in
her search for love and approval. I saw how her forcefulness caused my
parents pain. I did not want to cause such turmoil in the family. After all,

I heard my mother say, “What would the neighbors think?”

I began to enter puberty around age twelve or thirteen. I didn’t want to

begin to shave, to have a lower voice, or to have hair around my penis. My

father advised me that if I had any questions about sex, there was a book in

the den I could read. So, the inevitable happened: I became an adolescent.
The other boys seemed excited about it, but I wasn’t. I noticed that I was
idolizing older boys at school and wishing that I were them. When some
tried to make a connection with me, I got scared and pushed them away.
I noticedsome attraction to women. I bought some posters and
pornography of women. My sister and my mother found the posters one
day and both made comments, which I heard as an, “Oh, no. He’s sexu-
ally attracted to women?” I became scared of being intimate with women

and avoided going beyond a friendship level with them, for fear of rejec-
tion and out of shame for being interested in them.

I noticed that I began feeling sexually attracted to other boys and to

young men. I denied it and thought it was just a ph ase. When I was about
fifteen, I befriended another needy boy my age. We were both musicians
and began to spend time together. He started asking me questions about
things like masturbation and sex. He slowly, but surely, began to seduce
me. One day, we had sex. The drive to do it and the neediness were too
great to say no. I can remember that very first time as if it were yesterday.
I didn’t really want to do it, but I didn’t say no. The faded voice in my
mind that didn’t want it went away at that point. We began to have sex on
a regular basis. He began to get pornography and exposed me to it.

Our “relationship” continued for a few years. He would coax me to his

house by saying he would give me sexual favors, just to satisfy his hunger.
I didn’t say no. I let the need for male attention and touch drive me. He
soon began telling me about places where men got together to have sex: in
bathrooms, in parks, in bars. I began to explore this world when I entered
college. On the surface, I was still the calm, intellectual musician. On the
inside, I became a raging sex addict, seeking out sexual contact with men.

57
 UNDERSTANDING
often a couple of times a week. It was so invigorating, so energizing, and
so rebellious! I wasn’t anything but nice to people on the outside, and on
the inside, I was having anonymous sex. This continued for a year or two.
When I was nineteen, I decided I didn’t want to continue this lifestyle.

I began to look for answers. I didn’t want to be gay. I didn’t want to have
sex with men. Something was missing. It just didn’t fit for me. I started

writing to many different organizations. I contacted priests, religious

groups, and psychological groups. Many answered back with their an-
swers: Accept yourself as you are, or just accept Christ and you’ll heal. Nei-
ther seemed to be the answer I was looking for. Then, I saw an article in a

major American magazine about homosexuality. It discussed the possibil-

ity of genetic causes and of how many lived happily in that lifestyle. At the
very end of the article, there was a brief discussion of psychological pro-
fessionals who assist people in exploring why they have homosexual
attractions and how to work through them and meet the needs that are
underneath the attractions. I quickly wrote to one of the psychologists.
He quickly answered my letter, and I soon began sessions with him. He
taught me many valuable cognitive tools, including how to make friends,

gain more self-worth, etc. His theory was that making nonerotic friend-
ships with other guys and men would cause the homosexual attractions to

greatly decrease. I began to feel better about myself I hung out with other
guys and became obsessed with being with guys as much as possible. I

idolized them. I sought the best-looking ones to befriend. I wanted them

for me. I was looking for my masculinity in them.
I was happier for a few years. Then, when I was twenty-two, I moved
to a big city after college. All of a sudden, I was alone again — no friends,

no access to masculinity, and no one to notice me. I started sexually act-

ing out again. Being in a big city was not helpful! So many bathrooms,
parks, and bars! I began to go home with guys, thinking that maybe if the
sex was not anonymous, it wouldn’t be so emotionally painful. It still hurt
my soul. I thought I could continue that life and still marry a woman.
Maybe I could marry a bisexual woman. That way, I wouldn’t have to stop
my behavior, and I could still have the coveted life: a wife and kids and a
nice home and live a double life. Something in my soul said, “NO. It’s not
what I want.” I terminated sessions with my therapist.
I began the search again for more help. I tried to avoid acting out,

knowing that it was too painful, but I was not always successful. I joined
a national religious group that claimed to heal people out of their homo-
sexuality. Discipline, prayer, and “white-knuckling it” seemed to be their
 STEVE

motto. I began to realize that many in the group really didn’t heal their ho-
mosexuality; they just suppressed it and tried to pray it away. It didn’t

work for me, and I felt very oppressed and afraid to talk about the attrac-
tions and behavior. I continued to act out.
My deepest hurt and shadow, the acting out, became my strongest im-
petus and ally for seeking more help. I thought that if I joined a therapy
group, I would grow much more. I found a group with others working on
transitioning from homosexuality to heterosexuality. Because the acting

out continued, I also started individual therapy with Richard. I also be-

came involved in men’s work, including an initiating weekend with New

Warrior, a group that helps men find and care for their souls. The tide in

my life began to change. At this point in my life, I started to switch from

living in my mind to living with my heart. This was one of the most im-
portant moments in my life.
I started an intensive healing plan. I attended two healing groups, at-

tended therapy, and began to seek out help from others who were in vari-
ous forms of recovery. So many of the techniques I used were new and so
much more powerful than anything I had ever experienced: emotional
processing, psychodrama, nonerotic touch with other men, and focusing
on emotions. I began to get to know the little boy inside me that felt so
hurt and longed so much to feel loved by me and by others. Imany spent
nights, days, hours, and sessions crying, getting angry, and learning how
to father myself and to love myself It was crucial for me to investigate fur-

ther what was beneath the homosexual attractions and feelings. I uncov-
ered more issues that had caused me to never identify with my gender:
body wounds, fear of death, sexual abuse, an abdicating father, an emo-
tionally needy mother and sister, and many other issues. Once I began a
solid program of bioenergetic work, nonerotic holding with other men,
and emotional awareness, the acting out stopped. For a while, I thought it

was just a temporary occurrence, like it had been before. The freedom
lasted! I have been sexually sober since October 1996 . I know now that
underneath the urge is a much deeper, nonsexual need. Now I meet those
needs in healthy ways.
There was more to work on than just the behavioral change. I wanted
to heal more of what was causing the homosexual feelings. Currently, in

my healing plan, I am becoming more in touch with and comfortable in

my healthy body. I am processing feelings I have for things that went

wrong in relationship with my dad and mom and continuing to receive

healthy touch from others, and many other things. Although I have not

59
 UNDERSTANDING

fully healed my same-sex attractions, the strength and power of the feel-

ings have diminished as a result of the consistent work on my heart. If ho-

mosexual feelings do come up, I search inside for what is ailing me. The

attractions might arise when something from my past gets triggered: aban-

donment, sexual abuse, feelings of sickness and death, or inadequacy with

women. I also notice, to my delight, that as I identify more with my own
masculinity, I feel more sexually attracted to women. I know and am con-
fident that continuing my healing plan will lead me to further freedom
and internal healing.
While doing healing work with others, I have realized that many peo-
ple have different symptoms of their pain: alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual
issues, etc. Down deep in each and every one of us is a golden child just
waiting for healthy love and healing. For those of us healing homosexual-
ity, we have the added burden of societal pressures. Political correctness
and pressure have made it unpopular to seek change from homosexuality
to heterosexuality. We often get shunned by some for having homosexual
feelings and by others for not “accepting” our sexuality as it is. I have wit-
nessed it within myself and in others that for those who want to heal from
homosexuality, it is possible. Yes, this idea new and for the most part un-
is

accepted and uncharted territory, but we can do it. The gift of freedom is
available for those who wish to take it.

60
PART II:
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 CHAPTER FOUR

Process of Healing:
Four Stages of Recovery

“The descender makes an exit—-from ordinary and respectable life —through the

wound. The wound now is thought ofas a door. . . . The way down and out doesn’t
require poverty, homelessness, physical deprivation, dishwasher work, necessarily,

but it does seem to require a fallfrom status, from a human being to a spider, from
a middle-class person to a derelict. The emphasis is on the consciousness ofthe fall.
—Robert Bly

T hrough
helping others,
my own
I

has proved successful for those

journey of healing, and through twelve years of
have developed a four-stage model of recovery.
who sincerely desire to change. This
It

process applies to those who have been actively homosexual as well as

those who have not engaged in sexual activity but are experiencing same-
sex desires.
Marriage is not the solution for anyone who has homosexual feelings,
because a woman can never meet the homo-emotional needs of a man,
and a man can never meet the homo-emotional needs of a woman. ^ In the
process of recovery, first a man must heal with other men, and a woman
must heal with other women.
 HEALING

Before I sought help, some of my well-intentioned friends told me,

“Richard, just find the right woman and she’ll straighten you out,” or
“Just pray hard enough, and God will take it all away If not, then you’re
doing something wrong.” Well, I wish it would have been that simple, but
it was not. I prayed and prayed for God to take the desires away, but He
did not. I married, hoping it would straighten me out, but the same-sex
desires only intensified. I came to understand that I had been praying the
wrong prayer for nearly twenty years. What I needed to pray was: “God,
please show me the meaning of my same-sex desires.” Later, I understood
that God would never take them away, because they had a deeper mean-
ing that I needed to discover, heal, and ultimately fulfill in healthy, non-
sexual relationships.
I have divided the process of healing into four stages:

Four Stages of Healing Homosexuality

Stage One: Transitioning

Stage Two: Grounding

Stage Three: Healing the Homo-Emotional Wounds

Stage Four: Healing the Hetero-Emotional Wounds

This is a linear and developmental model. However, it does not work as

neatly am about to describe. The individual in transition

and cleanly as I

may jump from Stage One to Stage Three, back to Stage Two, then to
Stage One again. It all depends upon the growth, maturity, and needs of
the individual in recovery.
The benefit of having this four-stage model is that it represents a road
map of recovery. If someone jumps from Stage One to Stage Three, he will
eventually need to return to the previous stage and continue to work on
and work through those necessary tasks. It’s like taking a trip by car from
New York to California. Somewhere around Chicago, he remembers a
very painful experience he had as a child while living in Wisconsin. So he
boards a plane, goes to Wisconsin, takes care of healing that wound, and
gets back on a plane, returning once again to Chicago. Then he continues
on the road from Chicago to California.

You may think, if he could fly from Chicago to Wisconsin, then why
can’t he just fly from New York to California and do away with the road
trip altogether? There are no shortcuts in life when it comes to matters of
the heart. In the process of healing, he is reclaiming his lost self, those

G4
 PROCESS OF HEALING
parts of his character that he has either buried or not even met yet. This
takes time, patience, and diligent effort. The price is high to get one’s life

back, but the rewards are well worth the efforts. Without such efforts, I

would not be alive today. Those who try to fly without doing their
groundwork may end up crashing in mid-air.

The following parallel stages summarize this treatment plan:

Four Stages of the Therapeutic Treatment Plan

Stage One; Behavioral therapy

Stage Two: Cognitive therapy and inner-child healing

Stage Three: Psychodynamic therapy: Healing same-sex wounds

Stage Four: Psychodynamic therapy; Healing opposite-sex wounds

Often “the process of healing goes from bad, to worse, and then better.”^

People come into counseling in crisis when they feel bad. As they discover
the source(s) of the problem (s), things get worse as they experience the pain.
Finally, things get better when healing occurs and they experience love.

Four Stages of Healing Homosexuality

1. Transitioning (Behavioral therapy)
• Cutting off from sexual behavior
• Developing a support network
• Building self-worth and experiencing value in relationship with God
2. Grounding (Cognitive therapy)
• Continuing with the support network
• Continuing to build self-worth and experience value in relationship
with God
• Building skills: assertiveness training, communication skills, problem-
solving techniques
• Beginning inner-child healing: identifying thoughts, feelings, and needs
3. Healing the Homo-Emotional Wounds (Psychodynamic therapy) 1999

• Continuing all tasks of Stage Two

• Discovering the root causes of homo-emotional wounds January

• Beginning the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking responsibility

• Developing healthy, healing same-sex relationships
M.A.,

4. Healing the Hetero-Emotional Wounds (Psychodynamic therapy)

• Continuing all tasks of Stage Two Cohen,

• Discovering the root causes of hetero-emotional wounds

• Continuing the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking responsibility
Richard

• Developing healthy, healing opposite-sex relationships and learning

about the opposite sex ©

65
 HEALING

Stage One: Transitioning (Behavioral Therapy)

In Stage One, the individual realizes that he has a problem and wants help.
Perhaps he tried to suppress his homosexual feelings unsuccessfully. Per-
haps he married, hoping his same-sex desires would disappear, but they
have not. Perhaps in the midst of many relationships, he feels empty, hurt,
and frustrated. Perhaps he is very young and confused about his sexual ori-
entation. There are many different scenarios, but the underlying common
denominator is a deep desire to change. It does not matter if the individ-
ual is thirteen or seventy-three. Change is possible at any age. A key factor
for change is personal motivation. Without a deep-seated commitment to
change, the process of healing is virtually impossible.

In Stage One, there are three tasks:

1 . Cutting off from sexual behavior

2. Developing a support network

3. Building self-worth and experiencing value in relationship with God

FIRST TASK: CUTTING OFF FROM SEXUAL BEHAVIOR

In the transitional phase, the individual needs to cut ties with old play-
grounds, playmates, and playthings:

1 . Playgrounds —Not go to the places where he associated with homosex-

ual men or homosexual behavior, such as bars, bathrooms, pornographic
movies, and parks (anyplace he could engage in homosexual activity).
2. Playmates —Cut with homosexual
ties and Not friends partners. associ-

ate with anyone who tempt seduce him

will homosexual
or into activity.

3. Playthings —Not purchase pornography any homosexual or other

paraphernalia associated with homosexual behavior.

It is equally important to cut ties with sources of negative influence in the

world. He may temporarily avoid reading papers and magazines and lis-

tening to news reports that support and encourage homosexuality. He

needs to surround himself with voices of affirmation and hope. This may
seem quite radical to some. Later, I will explain more clearly why it is nec-
essary to separate from these external activities and negative influences.

SECOND TASK: DEVELOPING A SUPPORT NETWORK

The central organizing factor(s) in the life of anyone experiencing same-sex
attractions may be homosexual relationships, sexual fantasies, compulsive

66
 PROCESS OF HEALING
masturbation, hangouts (bars, baths, parks, restrooms), or pornography. It

is insufFicient to tell someone to cut off these relationships and behaviors.

It is important to realize that these people, places, and things represent a le-

gitimate need for the individual. The drive for bonding is genuine. How-
ever, only healthy, healing, loving, nonsexual relationships will fulfill the
deeper needs. A support network must be developed to provide the nurtu-
rance and healing environment in which he may heal from past wounds
and receive proper love, guidance, and encouragement. Healthy relation-

ships and healthy behaviors replace sexual behavior or fantasies.

The support network may consist of, but not be limited to, family,
friends, and spouse; spiritual community; support groups; telephone, e-

mail, visiting people, mentors; exercise, diet, sports, therapeutic massage;

study of literature; and counseling. Meditation, prayer, and spiritual food

will be discussed in the following section.

SUPPORT NETWORK

Meditation Prayer Spiritual Food:

1999

January

M.A.,

Cohen,

E-mail Richard

Visiting People
©
Mentors

67
 HEALING

Family, friends, and spouse

Support from parents, brothers or sisters, relatives, spouse, and close
friends will aid in this process of change. When the channels of commu-
nication are open, it is good for him to share about his situation and
needs. If communication is difficult at this time, perhaps in the future he
may create that opportunity.

There are basically four types of friendships that will aid in the process of
healing:

1) Heterosexual friends that know about the struggle and are supportive;
2) Heterosexual friends that do not know about the struggle and are

good friends;

3) Mentors who assist in the process of reparenting the individual; and

4) Fellow strugglers who are coming out of homosexuality.

An attraction to a heterosexual friend is a perfect opportunity for healing

and growth. “Heterosexual, sexually attractive male friendships with men
for whom the client feels an erotic attraction offer the greatest opportunity
for healing. Only through such associations can there be the transformation

from erotic attractions to true friendship — that is, the demystifying of the
distant male. . . . This transformational shift from sexual to fraternal (i.e.,

eros to philia) is the essential healing experience of male homosexuality.”'^

Spiritual community
The spiritualcommunity must involve itself in the healing process of
these brave men, women, and adolescents who wish to change. Those who
wish to come out of homosexuality may not accomplish this without the
help of others. They need time^ touch, and talk. True and lasting healing
will take place when Gods love is manifest and experienced through peo-

ple. The 12-step movement has developed so powerfully because of the in-

ability of the religious community to successfully solve the problems of

men, women, and children. Therefore, the time is overdue for children of
God to stand up for each other and be honest about their heartaches,

headaches, and pains. We must reach out and put our faith into practice.

Support groups
Transitioning support groups: These are support groups of individuals in-

volved in the same process of healing. It may be a gender-specific group

all men or all women — but this is not necessary. It is important that this

group be facilitated by either 1) someone who has transitioned success-

68
 PROCESS OF HEALING
fully and has been “sexually sober” for at least three or more years; and/or
2) someone who understands the process of healing homosexuality.
Twelve-step support groups: Other support groups that may be help-
ful if there are any other addictive behaviors include:

• SA— Anonymous
Sexaholics
• AA— Anonymous
^Alcoholics
• NA— Narcotics Anonymous
• CODA— Codependents Anonymous
• SIA— of
SurvivorsAnonymous Incest
• HA— Homosexuals Anonymous
Make sure that any recovery group under consideration is not a group
specifically for “gays and lesbians.” The person in transition should be
aware that the prevailing attitude of the mental-health profession and re-

covery movement is “gay affirmative therapy,” or in support of being ho-

mosexual. In some of these 12-step groups, many members or their lead-
ers will say to the individual, “Its OK, just accept who you truly are, just

be gay, stop fighting it.” This is the danger of attending other recovery
groups. The individual must bring his own agenda into the group. He
must state clearly his personal desire to come out of homosexuality, asking
the group members to support him in this quest. If the group cannot
honor and support this desire, then it is not a safe place for him to be. The
issue here is self-determination versus social advocacy. Any individual com-
ing out of homosexuality must be clear about his intentions, rather than
following what others think he should or should not do.
I have a great appreciation for 12-step groups. I do, however, have one
bias. In the beginning stages of group work the individual is asked to iden-
tify with his presenting problem. For example he repeats, “Hello. My
name is Richard, and I am a rageaholic.” I understand the psychology be-
hind this methodology is to bring someone out of denial and into the
light. However, after some time in recovery, after he accomplishes some
stability and works through the denial phase, I believe it is important to
make a shift in identification. He then says, “Hello. My name is Richard,
and I am a son of God.” Now, the focus is not on behavior but on beings
on inherent value.

Religious-based support groups include:

• EXODUS International— Umbrella organization for Ex-Gay Christ-

ian Ministries

69
 HEALING

• Homosexuals Anonymous (HA) — Christian-based recovery network

• Courage/Encourage — Catholic Ex-Gay Ministry/Parent Ministry s

• JONAH — Offering New

^Jews Homosexuality
Alternatives to
• Evergreen —Mormon Ex-Gay Ministry
International
• Transforming Congregations — Methodist Ex-Gay Ministry
• One by One— Ex-Gay Ministry
Presbyterian
• PFOX— ministry
Christian family members,
for parents, spouses,

and friends
• PastoralCare — Recovery through
Ministries healing prayer*

Mens or womens groups: Joining a same-sex group will help those in recov-
ery relate with members of their own gender in healthy, nonsexual ways.
They will learn new ways to be with men and women, gaining more con-
fidence in themselves. There may be a men’s council and women’s support
groups in the area. Many religious organizations have same-gender sup-
port groups.

Telephone/E-mail outreach
There will be many ups and downs along the way. Discontinuing old be-
haviors, relationships, and hangouts will leave him feeling insecure, lonely,

and vulnerable. Therefore, when in need, he must be able to reach out to

any number of people. The recovering person must develop a phone/e-mail
list consisting of people in his support network. The support network con-
stitutes his new family of choice.

Exercise, diet, sports, and therapeutic massage

Physical exercise is important for individuals coming out of homosexual-
ity. Many are quite disassociated from their bodies. Exercise, diet, and
sports help to heal many body-image wounds and peer wounds. It is im-
portant for the person in recovery to learn to be at ease with himself
among peers through related same-sex activities.
“Abstaining from caffeine is helpful. Caffeine is a psychomotor stimu-
j
lant and causes the hypothalamus to increase fear, anger, and sexual drive.

Drinking decaffeinated beverages in recovery is helpful because any feel-

ings may lead a sex addict to act out. Not drinking caffeine will heighten
emotional well-being and a feeling of emotional stability,” according to
Dr. Christopher Austin.^

"^See the list ofNational Resources at the back of the book.

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 PROCESS OF HEALING
Working with an experienced massage therapist may accelerate the

healing process. Therapeutic massage is a tool to release and heal the pains
locked in the musculature of the body of a physically or sexually abused
person. It is important that the individual ground himself in the first two
stages of recovery before using this method of healing. It is equally impor-
tant to work with the right massage therapist —someone who is safe, sensi-

tive, knowledgeable, experienced with survivors of abuse, and secure in his

own gender identity. It may be helpful for the mentor to accompany the in-
dividual to his session and/or make sure the therapist is safe.

Study of literature
Bibliotherapy is the study of related literature. There are excellent books
on the causes and treatment of homosexuality. Reading such books will

help him understand what he is going through and help him identify
causal factors that lead him into sexual behavior or fantasies. Studying ap-
propriate literature on healing homosexuality is extremely helpful. (See
References at the back of the book.)

Counseling
It is important to find a therapist who understands the nature of homo-
sexuality and the process of healing. Such a counselor needs to establish a
very close relationship with the client. Maintaining a distant or aloof
therapeutic relationship merely exacerbates the already-present defense
detachment in the individual. A Same-Sex Attachment Disorder con-
traindicates the use of authoritarianism.

I strongly recommend a same-sex counselor during the first three

stages of healing. A counselor of the opposite sex will be appropriate in the
final stage. First, men need to heal with men, and women need to heal
with women. The therapist must be firm and embracing, teach many
skills, and assist in the process of grieving. “Be more than a therapist and
less than a friend.”^
The best therapist is one who has done his own work, healing past and
present wounds. One can only take someone as far as he has gone himself
One cannot give or share what he has not experienced personally. It is un-
necessary for the therapist to have been a former homosexual person.
However, he needs to have dealt with his own issues and achieved some
success and victories in his personal life. Murray Bowen, the father of
Family Systems Therapy, said he believed no one should earn a degree in

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 HEALING

counseling until healing with one’s family members, becoming a mature

adult with both Father and Mother.
These activities and relationships from the support network make up
the new central organizing factors in the life of the individual coming out
of homosexuality. For those with a strong will and ability to self-discipline,

developing this support network may be difficult yet achievable. For those
with a weak will and a more fragile ego structure, developing this support
network may be too difficult. They will need more assistance and commu-
nity support to supplement their lack of discipline and lack of willpower.
They will not be able to make it alone. It takes a family and a community
to raise a child. It also takes a community to heal one.

THIRD TASK: BUILDING SELF-WORTH AND

EXPERIENCING VALUE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD
Today significant emphasis is placed on sexual identity and sexual behav-
ior. One primary cause of this preoccupation is the lack of intimacy within
the family. The pursuit of sex then becomes a substitute for love. If chil-
dren are deprived of their parents’ attention, affection, and affirmation,
they will compensate for those losses in a variety of ways: performance-
based behavior and/or workaholism, overachievement, over- responsibility,
codependent relationships, rebelliousness, and drug/ alcohol/sexual/
gambling/ religious addictions.
Another important reason for increased emphasis on sexual activity is

a lack of spirituality, a lack of relationship with God, our vertical parents.

Without experiencing parents’ love, and without experiencing God’s love,

an individual will never experience or understand his value. “It is an es-

tablished fact that nobody is born with the ability to love himself . . . Self-

love is either acquired or it is nonexistent. The one who does not acquire
it or who acquires it insufficiently either is not able to love others at all or

to love them only insufficiently. The same would be true for such a person
in his relationship with God.”^
Value comes from being loved, not from doing, not from accom-
plishments, and not from physical appearance. True and lasting value
comes from simply beingXoN^dL. One of the first tasks of recovery is to de-
emphasize either homosexual or heterosexual identity and emphasize
true identity as a son or daughter of God.
Beneath these man-made terms relating to sexual behavior is the
essence of life: a child’s longing for love. It is imperative to reinforce on a

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 PROCESS OF HEALING
daily basis the individuals value that comes from God, the source of life
and love.

Meditation, study, prayer, and affirmations are tools to assist in this

process. They are explained in more detail in chapter 6. Wounding pro-

grams the mind, heart, body, and spirit with unhealthy and destructive
messages. We are constantly being bombarded by negative messages
around us. We have all heard, “You cant,” “You shouldn’t,” “You won’t,”
“It’s impossible,” “People are born this way,” and so on. The news, reported
on TV, in newspapers and magazines, and on the radio, revolves around the
misfortune of others, not the noble or uplifting qualities of life. The talk-

show format exemplifies the exploitation of the pain and suffering of oth-
ers. Today, the media and entertainment industry promote the acceptance
of homosexuality. Cutting off these sources of negativity is important in
the beginning stages of healing, i.e., do not watch particular TV shows, do
not attend particular movies, do not read particular magazines and news-
papers. Through meditation, study, prayer, and affirmations, we infuse our
body, spirit, and soul with positive messages of truth and love.

We must emphasize inherent value as a child of God in this and the

subsequent stages of healing. “ . . . Every homosexual is a latent hetero-
sexual.”^ Those who find themselves experiencing same-sex attractions are

merely late bloomers. They are latent heterosexuals stuck in an early stage
of psychosexual development. When the mental and emotional walls
break down, the natural process of growth will ensue, and so will hetero-
sexual desires.
In summary, the three main tasks that need to be accomplished in
Stage One are: I) cutting off sexual behaviors; 2) developing a support
network; and 3) building self-worth and experiencing value in relation-
ship with God. It is important for all involved to realize that in this stage,
and the stages to follow, the person in recovery is likely to become very de-
pendent. A lack of healthy attachment with parents creates the Same-Sex
Attachment Disorder (SSAD). Therefore, in the first few years of recovery,
there will be a great need for the active participation of others. It is im-
portant to build a strong support network and not just rely on one person.

Alex was the youngest of four children. His older brother was Jason,
and his older sisters were Becky and Sarah, respectively. He lived in

Ohio where his father worked for a large corporation and his mother
was a housewife. Alex never got along well with his dad. His father
was prone to outbursts of anger, especially when he drank, which

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 HEALING

increased as Alex got older. His mother would lament about her dis-

appointments with her husband while holding Alex in her arms. A

sensitive child by nature, Alex experienced her pain and suffering as

though it were his own. More and more, Alex aligned himself with
his mother and grew to hate his neglectful and abusive father.

Jason was the athlete of the family. He was a natural at baseball,

basketball, and football. Alex felt that he could not measure up to

Jasons athletic prowess. As his mom’s favorite, he was more in-

clined to the arts and reading. He would watch as Jason and his
friends played sports, wishing that he, too, was just one of the guys.
Alex played with his sisters and felt more comfortable in their

world. When his dad saw him playing games with his sisters, he
called him a “faggot” and “sissy.” “You’re going to grow up to be

one of the girls,” his dad would comment. He never spent any
quality time with his son. When at home, his dad hid behind the
newspaper or watched TV. Often he would not come home until

late. He was out drinking with his buddies.

Alex began to experience same-sex attractions in the last few
years of elementary school. He always envied the boys who were
more athletic and competent. He longed to be just like them. Dur-
ing puberty, those feelings became eroticized as he imagined having
sexual relations with the classmates he admired. He dared not share
those thoughts and feelings with his family. His dad already con-
sidered him a sissy, and his brother would frequently beat him up.
Jason and Alex’s dad had an antagonistic relationship. They related

through arguments and fistfights. Alex wanted no part of that, so

he remained an outsider, alone in his fantasies about men.

A neighbor introduced Alex to masturbation, and eventually
they became frequent sex partners. Alex felt ashamed of these ac-

tivities. He and his family attended church weekly. He knew that

homosexuality was wrong, but his feelings were so powerful. The
guilt was tremendous, but his need for male intimacy was even
greater. The relationship with the neighbor continued throughout
junior high school until he moved away. Then Alex found male
pornography and began to masturbate several times a day.

Alex had sex with several other classmates while in high school.
They were all short-term relationships, as Alex continued to battle
these desires. In college, he began to have anonymous sex with men
in parks, bathrooms, and bathhouses. He was an honors student

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 PROCESS OF HEALING
majoring in business and eventually law. Alex had a very sharp
mind and was admired by most of his classmates, but no one knew
that Alex led a double life. By day, he was the clever, brilliant stu-
dent. By night, he was a sex addict, seeking yet another man to fill
his loneliness and pain.
When I began to counsel Alex, he was in his late twenties and a
very successful lawyer making a handsome income. But Alex was
miserable. His colleagues admired his brilliant mind, his way with
words, and his successful trial skills. But Alex hated himself He
longed to be one of the guys. He felt like he was on the outside
looking in. He felt ashamed of his addictions to anonymous sex,

male pornography, and compulsive masturbation. He wanted out,

but he did not know how to change.
At first, I had Alex fill out all the questions about his family of
origin (all questions are listed in chapter 6). After reviewing his his-
tory, I gave him an evaluation and treatment plan. We then began
our therapeutic relationship. I had Alex read several books about
the etiology of same-sex attractions. Gradually, he began to under-
stand where these desires originated. He understood that he had
emotionally detached from his father and had an unhealthy attach-
ment with his mother. Being more sensitive, he feared his father
and the strength that he represented. Rather than standing up to

his dad, he ran for safety in the arms of his mother and sisters. He
came to see that his sexual exploits were a mask for the unobtained
love and affection from his father and his inability to communicate
his needs in a positive and assertive manner.
Alex was hungry to learn and grow. The next task was to help
him build a strong support network in order to replace the sexual
addictions and to assist him in the re-creation of his character. He
was fearful about sharing his struggle with others. He had managed
to isolate this part of his life since he began experiencing same-sex

attractions. I gently encouraged him to join a support group of

other men in the process of transitioning. He resisted until I told
him that in order for me to help him, I needed him to join such a
group. Finally, he agreed to attend a meeting. There, to his great sur-
prise, he met other men just like himself who had suffered their en-
tire lives with similar feelings and experiences. He was so relieved
and so grateful to learn that he was not alone. He met others who
understood him.

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 HEALING

Alex began an exercise program. He joined an athletic club and

found several men to work out with. He began making friends with
men who were secure in their sexuality. As Alex had always been on
the sidelines watching his brother and other boys, it was scary for

him to participate in group sports. He sought a mentor to teach

him basic athletic skills: throwing the ball, hitting the ball, catching

the ball, and shooting hoops. Over a period of time, he began to ex-
perience his own strength and power. (A word of caution: I en-
courage those coming out of homosexuality to find family-oriented
health clubs and exercise with healthy friends.)
I had him begin a regimen of meditation every morning and
evening. He listened to messages of affirmations. He began to re-

define himself No longer was he a homosexual man, but a precious

son of God. Gradually, Alex began to understand that he did not
have to earn love and acceptance through appearance or outward
success. He was simply loved just for who he was. This was a reve-
lation for Alex. This internal transformation, combined with new
social skills, his support group, and weekly counseling, gave him
the strength to stop acting out sexually. Occasionally, he would
have a sexual experience, but they were decreasing each week.

Stage Two: Grounding

(Cognitive Therapy/Inner-Child Healing)
I have observed that the individual who experiences same-sex attractions
is not grounded in his body and soul. He must learn skills of self-

knowledge and fulfillment before healing the wounds of the past. This
stage is one of creating inner contentment and peace, a new sense of being
centered in his heart, mind, body, and spirit.

In Stage Two, there are four tasks:

1 . Continuing with the support network

2. Continuing to build self-worth and experience value in relationship with God

3. Building skills: assertiveness training, communication skills, and problem-

solving techniques

4. Beginning inner-child healing: identifying thoughts, feelings, and needs

 PROCESS OF HEALING
FIRST TASK: CONTINUING WITH THE SUPPORT NETWORK
It is important for the individual to develop, participate in, and strengthen
his support system. This is a vital part of the recovery program. The sup-
port system stands as a container, a safe space around the individual. The
support system represents an external form of an internal reality. It is re-

creating the family and community in a healthy, positive, loving, and sup-
portive manner. Later, he will internalize all the love received through the
support network.
There is a strong need for involvement by the entire support system.
Discontinuing sexual activity or fantasies causes the individual to experi-
ence feelings and thoughts more intensely than before. Repeated sexual
behavior in the past helped the individual to medicate uncomfortable feel-

ings and negative thoughts by numbing the mind, heart, body, and spirit.

Sexual behavior or fantasies are escape mechanisms, like a drug to avoid

pain, hurt, disappointment, and any other unpleasant feelings. The com-
ponents of the support system stand as a fortress of strength for the indi-
vidual in recovery. This is the holding environment, the fertile soil in
which to spring forth and grow.

SECOND TASK: CONTINUING TO BUILD SELF-WORTH

AND EXPERIENCE VALUE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD
Meditation, prayer, study, and affirmations are essential to building a
strong spiritual foundation and a skin touch relationship with God. Med-
itation is listening. Prayer is speaking. Meditation creates a safe space for
quieting the soul and learning to listen. Prayer is communication between
the body, soul, spirit, and God. Study of inspirational words renews our
hearts and minds. Affirmations are a way of re-educating our unconscious
minds, helping us to develop faith, hope, and self-confidence.

THIRD TASK: BUILDING SKILLS—ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING,

COMMUNICATION SKILLS, AND PROBLEM-SOLVING TECHNIQUES
With a strong support system intact, and through the practice of medita-
tion, prayer, study, and affirmations, the individual enters into the
Grounding phase of recovery. A person experiencing homosexual feelings
is often unable to regulate his emotions and thoughts. He needs instruc-
tion and coaching on how to manage present-day relationships before he
is able to go back and heal the wounds of the past.

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 HEALING

During this phase, he must learn to cope with uncomfortable feelings and
thoughts, dealing with them in more responsible ways. By learning basic
cognitive-behavioral skills, he learns to identify negative self-talk, or stinkin
thinkin, and ways in which to untwist these negative thought patterns.
He may need to learn more about the art of self-expression, learning
communication skills and assertiveness in a healthy and positive man-
ner — in short, getting his voice back. I use several workbooks that teach
about these techniques and skills. Chapter 6 on therapeutic tools and
techniques will give more specifics on how to acquire these skills.

A man with same-sex attractions may have a chameleonlike nature,

changing color and character to become what others expect of him, or what
he thinks they expect of him. This personality trait may be an asset or lia-

bility. In the present character of a gender-detached individual, it serves to

further distance him from his true self The use of this and other defense
mechanisms creates a false self, character armor to protect a wounded
heart. Another characteristic I have observed in the gender-detached indi-
vidual is impatience or lack of self-discipline. Therefore, he needs to learn
how to cope with painful feelings in present-day relationships and situa-

tions. Not running away from or trying to medicate uncomfortable feel-

ings is difficult for many in recovery. The first response may be to act out
sexually or escape into fantasy. For this reason, he must learn new patterns
of behavior. Many times, homosexual desires arise after feeling rejected,

frustrated, lonely, angry, or overtired.^ The individual needs to develop

tools to more effectively deal with these unpleasant feelings. There are a

number of methods to assist the individual in this task, including:

• Reaching out for help within the support network

• Prayer, meditation, and affirmations
• Bioenergetic/core energetic exercises —pounding, anger release,

working through the feelings to get down to the core issues

• — technique used
Focusing a to first identify the cause of distress,
and body and mind
second, to create relief in the
• HALT* — techniquea for identifying the cause(s) leading to sexual

lust

Hungry—There hunger and/or

is physical feeling of rejection and
wanting up with another person
to fill or substance.
Angry— Unexpressed may become feelings eroticized.

*See chapter 6for a more detailed explanation on the use ofHALT.

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 PROCESS OF HEALING
Lonely — Legitimate needs for intimacy that go unmet later are ex-

perienced as sexual desires.

Tired — Stress factors kick in and the desire to take care of oneself by
using old sexual habits may arise.

• Journaling —Writing on a regular basis helps him understand his

inner thoughts and feelings and learn about the triggers that may
stimulate inappropriate behaviors. A trigger is any activity, event, or
situation that will lead the individual to act out or become emo-
tionally distressed. Many addicts have an obsessive-compulsive
(personality) disorder. Writing helps get him out of his head and
achieve some distance from the intensity of the experience.

FOURTH TASK: BEGINNING INNER-CHILD HEALING-

IDENTIFYING THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, AND NEEDS
To understand the more emotional part of his being, I introduce the use
of inner-child work. I assign several workbooks and the use of different

inner-child techniques to assist the individual in getting in touch with his

deeper feelings and needs. Through inner-child work, he will begin to un-
derstand the origins and meanings behind these powerful forces within
and around him.
There are three stages of inner-child work: self-parenting, spiritual par-

enting, and mentoring.

First, he must become his own mentor, the ideal mom and ideal dad for which he
always longed. Second, through creative visualization, he may have his spiritual

mentor or other mentors mentor his inner child, visualizing wonderful, healing ac-

tivitiesAogether with his mentors. Last, he will heal with and in the presence of

others, mentors who can teach him about the ways of men. The individual does

this third stage of inner-child work on the foundation of self-parenting and spiri-

tual parenting: otherwise he will develop an unhealthy dependency on the mentor.

I also teach him to get in touch with his body through several techniques:

bioenergetics, core energetics, role-play, voice dialogue, and focusing. All

these methods will help him get deeper into his body, and more grounded
in his character. In this way, he learns to solve his problems, rather than

seeking to have a sexual relationship, overworking, or escaping into a fan-

tasy world.

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 HEALING

Before going into the psychodynamic aspects of treatment in order to

uncover and heal the root causes of these desires, he must become more sta-

ble in present-day relationships. He needs to learn how to sustain pain,

“ride the wave,” as I call it, and not act out inappropriately. Unresolved
trauma of the past caused the homosexual disorientation. However, unless
he successfully manages his relationships and circumstances in the present,
and learns to be an effective communicator, he will be neither able nor
equipped to contain the pain that emerges when he begins the process of
healing the root causes. He may run away, terminate treatment, start acting
out, or feel hopeless that change is impossible.
In summary, the four tasks to be accomplished in Stage Two are:

1) continuing with the support network; 2) continuing to build self-

worth and experience value in relationship with God; 3) building skills

such as assertiveness training, communication skills, and problem-solving
techniques; and 4) beginning inner-child healing to identify thoughts,
feelings, and needs.
In the first few stages of my healing, the therapist helped me get in
touch with the profound and painful causes of my homosexual feelings

without helping me build any support system. He never checked if I had

friends, family, and other means of support to help me contain the
tremendous amount of pain I was about to experience. Consequently, I

ran back into the homosexual world because I felt continuously frustrated
from reaching out to friends in my spiritual community who could not
understand my pain or need for intimacy. I cannot describe the hell I ex-

perienced, nor how lonely I felt during those years. Having no one who
understood my situation merely exacerbated the wounds. I learned in a
profound and painful way how necessary it is to first help the individual

gain stability in the present, develop a strong support system, and learn
new coping skills for current problems.
Therapists must be wise in assisting their clients. If you are a therapist,
please do not take your client into his deeper pain until he has the re-

sources to deal with it. If you are the client, do not allow the therapist to
take you into your deeper pain until you are more stable in your present-
day life.

Alex attended his support group weekly. It gave him a sense of sta-
bility and comraderie that he needed as he continued on his heal-
ing journey. Alex always told me that a life-changing concept for
him was that homosexuality was not the problem but a symptom of

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 PROCESS OF HEALING
unresolved issues. He stated that this concept freed him to take the

focus off of his sexuality and to deal with the underlying causes of
his same-sex attractions. We continued to meet for our weekly
counseling sessions. I had him begin using Dr. David Burns’s book,
Ten Days to Self-Esteem. Reluctantly, he began doing the assign-
ments. Like many others that I have counseled, Alex did not like

this workbook. “It reminds me of all the homework assignments I

had to do for school.” I told him, “I understand your resistance,

and it’s fine to hate it. Just do it anyway.” And he did.
By practicing Burns’s methods, Alex learned to identify his neg-
ative self-talk, cognitive distortions that led him into a vicious cycle
of depression and sexual addiction. By doing the daily mood logs

and other activities suggested by Burns, he gained a greater sense of

self-control. Then, instead of getting upset with himself and others,

he took the time to reflect on his negative thinking and transform

those thoughts into positive energy. This was yet another way in

which he gained greater self-awareness and power over the addic-

tive cycle. Dr. Douglas Weiss describes the addictive cycle by the
following six stages: 1) pain agents —emotional discomfort, unre-
solved conflict, stress, or a need to connect; 2) disassociation;

3) the altered state; 4) pursuing behavior; 5) behavior; and

6) time between acting out.^^
He continued to meditate on a daily basis using several of the
tapes that I provided. We
made a tape specifically to reinforce
also

his sense of self-worth. I had him write a list of affirmations, things

that he wished his dad and others had said to him while growing
up. I asked him if he wanted me to record the tape or if he wanted
to do it himself He requested that I do it, and together we made

the recording during our session. I wanted to make sure it was done
in a way that was pleasing to his soul. The tape was just about five

minutes in length with soothing music in the background. Some of

the affirmations were: “Alex, I love you for who you are.” “You are

my precious son.” “You are enough.” “You are talented, gifted, and
strong.” “I believe in you.” By using these affirmations on a daily
basis, Alex began to believe in his value and self-worth as a loved
son of God.
By participating in sports and exercise, Alex was strengthening
his masculinity as well. After working with his mentor for months,
he finally built up the courage to begin playing basketball with

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some other men. It was very frightening for him at first. He used
the cognitive techniques, slaying negative self-talk with positive
and rational responses. It was very hard for him to do this. He used
creative visualization, imagining that he was a competent, accom-
plished basketball player already. He would practice seeing this in

his mind several times throughout the day. He made a goal each

time he played basketball. One time his goal was to just have fun,
no matter how he played. Another time his goal was to focus on
skill building — dribbling and passing the ball. Another time his

goal was to be as assertive as possible. He also asked a friend to

practice with him. Through his continued efforts, his game gradu-
ally improved and he learned to have fun.

After completing Burns’s cognitive therapy, he began inner-

child healing. Alex did the assignments in Dr. Lucia Capacchione’s
book. Recovery of Your Inner Child. As a lawyer, he found this ap-

proach ridiculous and stupid. “What does drawing pictures with

my opposite hand have to do with healing homosexuality? This
seems absurd!” Again, I told Alex, “It’s fine to hate it. Just do it.”

And so he did. At first, the inner-child drawing and dialogue exer-

cises were very difficult for him. It was slow going. Getting in touch
with the inner voice was a painstaking adventure for Alex. For so
many years, he had buried that hurt little boy beneath all the good
grades, smiles, pleasantries, and sexual activity. But through his

consistent and concerted efforts, eventually the child within began

to speak.

Alex was shocked at what began to emerge — a very angry and

raging little boy. He was not nice. He was He was hurt,
not sweet.
and he wanted to be heard. And so Alex completed many drawings
and allowed the little boy within to voice his feelings. During sev-

eral sessions, I created exercises for that particular inner child. He

did some bioenergetic work, pounding on pillows with a tennis
racquet. No longer was Alex the sweet, submissive child, but a
strong and powerful, masculine force.
He also tapped into other parts of his inner family — the protec-
tive parent, the frightened little boy, the critical parent, the playful

child. Alex was awakening parts of himself that had been dormant
for years. He was learning to access feelings, thoughts, and needs he
never knew he had. Alex used the meditation tape. Healing Your
Inner Child, several times a week (see Resource Materials for a list

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 PROCESS OF HEALING
of audio tapes). Through these inner-child healing activities, he
began to find his emotional center and become more powerfully
aware of who he was rather than seeking to define himself in re-

sponse to how others thought and felt about him.

Stage Three: Healing the Homo-Emotional Wounds

(Psychodynamic Therapy)
“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
”

—George Santayana
Stage Three is emotional, mental, and spiritual surgery through deep
grieving and inner healing. First, the causes of same-sex attractions must
be illuminated. Next, the wounds need to be healed. Finally, the unmet
love needs will be fulfilled in healthy, healing same-sex relationships.
Through this process, the individual will naturally come to experience the

fullness of his gender identity.

In Stage Three, there are four tasks:

1 . Continuing all tasks of Stage Two

2. Discovering the root causes of homo-emotional wounds

3. Beginning the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking responsibility

4. .
Developing healthy, healing same-sex relationships

FIRST TASK: CONTINUING ALL TASKS OF STAGE TWO

• Continue with the support network: This is critical, as the individ-

ual is about to enter psychodynamic work, uncovering the pains of

the past. The support network surrounds him with love, under-
standing, and support.
• Continue building self-worth and experiencing value in relation-

ship with God: It is important for him to continue developing a

spiritual connection with the Creator, the inner voice of guidance
and support. A personal relationship with God will give greater

strength to begin the process of grieving.

• Continue building skills: assertiveness training, communication
skills, and problem-solving techniques. Continue to challenge
faulty thinking and negative self- talk, and to stretch in new ways. As
a more authentic man, he then becomes more responsible, fulfilled,
and empowered in everyday relationships.

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 HEALING

• Continue inner-child healing by learning to identify thoughts, feel-

ings, and needs. The inner-child work serves as fertilizer for the soil

of deeper work to come — the discovery and healing of the root

causes of same-sex attractions. By learning to listen to his body and
soul, he prepares himself to handle the heartaches and pains as they
emerge in this third stage of healing.

SECOND TASK: DISCOVERING THE ROOT CAUSES

OF HOMO-EMOTIONAL WOUNDS
In this stage, he must uncover and discover what took place in his past

^ that cut him off from his own gender identity. The primary cause of ho-
mosexuality is not an absent same-sex parent, but the child’s defensive de-
tachment toward that parent. The child first perceived rejection, from
either Dad or Mom, or both, and then self-protected and created an emo-
tional wall around his heart. In the process of healing, this wall must
come down. Same-sex desires represent alienation from the true self He
seeks in another man what is lacking within himself. The false selfh an
adaptation of one’s character in order to obtain love. Other names for the
false self are masks, defensive mechanisms, and character armor. The true

self IS one’s inherent God-given nature — pure, loving, spiritual, forgiving,

and understanding.

Explanation about “Layers of Our Personality”

At the core of one’s being is his God-given true self, full of love, under-
standing, and forgiveness. He also has an inherited self, with a predilec-
tion to misinterpret or misperceive the words and deeds of others,
especially his primary caregivers.
If he experienced or perceived any kind of abandonment, neglect,
abuse, or enmeshment, as an infant, child, or adolescent, his first feeling
response is fear. Because children always self-blame, underneath psycho-
logical fear Is guilt 2ind shame. Guilt comes from behavior: “I did wrong.”
Shame comes from being: “I am wrong.” If he is allowed to express his
feelings freely, and if his feelings are heard and honored by his parents,
healing will take place at that time. If his feelings are not expressed or re-
ceived, he then represses them. “Repression is a state of emotional numb-
ness. ... It occurs when you are so tired of resisting, resenting, and reject-

ing that you successfully repress all of your negative emotions to ‘keep the
peace,’ for the sake of the family, or to look good to the world.”

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If the abandonment, neglect, abuse, or enmeshment continue, the next
feeling response will be anger. Dr. Steven Stosny describes the physiologi-

cal component of anger as the following: “Anger comes from a small region
of the brain called the limbic system, also known as the mammalian brain,

because we share it with all mammals; is part of the survival-based fight or

flight instinct we share with all mammals; mobilizes the organism for fight-
ing — the only emotion that activates every muscle group and every organ

of the body The chemicals secreted in the brain during anger arousal.

LAYERS OF OUR PERSONALITY

Masks
Ego

Developed from an idea by Dr. Robert Kronemeyer © Richard Cohen, M.A.

{Totally Fit Living. Deerfield Beach, FL: Flealth January, 1999
Communications, Inc., 1996, xxvi.)

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epinephrine and norepinephrine, feel much like an amphetamine and anal-

gesic —they numb pain and produce a surge of energy.
Anger is a physiological response to danger and a psychological re-

sponse to hurt and pain. Psychologically, anger is always a coverup for

hurt and pain. If he expresses his anger, and his parents allow him to do so
in a constructive way, then he will be able to heal his hurt and pain. If his
family does not receive his feelings of anger, or if he represses them, then
he swallows the hurt and pain. Feelings buried alive never die. Time does not
heal all wounds. It just buries them deeper.
Finally, he will develop many coping skills, defensive mechanisms, and
character armor to survive in an environment where his thoughts and feel-

ings go unheard and basic love needs go unmet. These coping skills, de-
fense mechanisms, and character armor then represent the false self. These
coping skills/defenses are based on his original nature, his inherent God-
given gifts. However, these gifts are used for a dual purpose: 1) to mask
the hurt, pain, guilt, and shame, and 2) to obtain the affection, affirma-
tion, and acceptance never perceived or received.

The layer of the false self contains the many masks he wears, the dramas
he plays, the character armor he puts on, and the defensive mechanisms he
uses to shield his wounded heart from further hurt and pain. The problem
is, no matter how hard he works to gain the scraps of affection, affirmation,
and acceptance he wants or needs, it will never soothe his soul. The reason
is that his behavior is driven by a need for recognition —being loved for
what he does, not for who he is. A primal need we all possess is to be ac-

cepted for who we are, not for what we do or what we look like.

I did not include “approval” on the list of three As, because approval is

behavior-based. It is okay if a parent, spouse, boss, coworker, friend, or

God does not approve of his behavior(s). Behavior has to do with his
doing, not his being. Therefore, he can still be loved (for his being), even
if someone does not approve of his behavior (his doing).

The layers of the personality widen until he develops illnesses/disorders.

Many healers believe that most illnesses and disorders have a psychologi-
cal base, the result of a broken or lost heart and negative attitudes and
beliefs. He is syntonically connected as each part affects the other: spirit,
body, heart, and mind. This is why recovering and discovering his
child(ren) within (both wounded and golden children) takes time. He
must peel away the layers, like an onion, one by one. He cannot move
right into the core of his being and blow up his personality. He must re-

move defensive layers systematically and replace them with healthy ways

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of being and behaving. When he has gained a sufficient sense of self-worth
from his relationship with God, self, and others, then he can move deeper
into the well of recovering his lost soul.

I use several techniques to help the individual get in touch with past mem-
ories: inner-child drawing and dialogue, memory healing, bioenergetics,
core energetics, role-play, psychodrama, focusing, and voice dialogue. In
these ways, he will get in touch with lost or repressed memories.
It is critical to understand the origins of the desires; otherwise, mere
behavioral attempts to “control” the homosexual drive will create a life-

time of frustration and guilt. Getting to the root causes will allow the de-
fensive shields to come down and love to come in. Without removing
these barriers, other techniques will stand as a superficial means of con-
trolling thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
I believe in complete and total liberation of the soul. The man in tran-
sition will at last find his way back home and be able to move on with his
psychosexual, psychological, and psychospiritual development by discov-
ering and healing the root causes, including: wounding by the same-sex
parent, wounding by a same-sex sibling, body-image wounds, peer
wounds, sexual abuse, divorce, or death of a parent.

THIRD TASK: BEGINNING THE PROCESS OF GRIEVING,

FORGIVING, AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
The stages of healing in this task are recall, release, relief, realize, and
responsibility.

• Recall: The first step is to recall the events that created the same-sex

detachment, such as wounding with the same-sex parent, abuse,

peer wounds, and sibling wounds.
• Release: Next, he must begin the process of grieving. This may con-
sist of tears, rage, anger, laughter, and other emotions. If we can feel
ity then we can heal it. Without moving through the feelings, the de-

fensive blocks will remain in place and healing will not occur.
• Relief: After releasing the emotional toxicity, he will experience a

great sense of relief The same-sex attractions are connected to the

wounds. When the walls come down, then love comes in, and the
individual experiences his gender identity.
• Realize: After grieving the homo-emotional wounds and experienc-
ing relief, the individual realizes the need for forgiveness — forgiving
self, others, and God. Forgiveness releases him from bitterness and

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the need for revenge. When he holds onto his anger and resent-
ments, he will project those feelings onto other relationships, espe-
cially those who want to be close to him. Furthermore, if he cannot
forgive, he still harbors unconscious guilt. Beneath the blame and
anger is the voice of his inner child, “It’s all my fault.”
There are two kinds of forgiveness: one from the head and one from the
heart. The first kind of forgiveness is a decision one makes to let go of the
bitterness and pain. He gives the gift of forgiveness to the one who hurt
him. It is a conscious choice. The second kind of forgiveness comes from
the heart. It flows from understanding. Finally, the wounded child’s heart
has been heard. Now he can see the same woundedness in the heart of the
one who either purposely or unknowingly inflicted the wound. This sec-

ond kind of forgiveness occurs after grieving the losses of the past.
Forgiving does not mean that all the painful feelings will go away. That
takes time. Forgiveness takes place through many stages in life. Healing is

like peeling an onion. As he heals and grows, he peels away the layers

around his heart. The individual may administer forgiveness at each new
stage. A principle of growth is that the closer he gets to others, the more
he may hurt. Intimacy is feared because of the original wounds that were
experienced with primary caregivers. Being close was not always safe and
satisfying. Within the context of intimate relationships, those primary
hurts will naturally resurface. That is why there are many stages of grief

and loss through which one must work.^^

Forgiveness is a gift. It sets him free. It him let go of the past and
helps
move into a brighter present and future, opening him up to greater possi-
bilities of love.

• Responsibility: His mind is able to understand more clearly what

occurred after working through the process of grief and forgiveness.
Childhood core beliefs, which were developed in response to par-

ents and events, will now come into focus. He might believe, for ex-

ample, that “I shouldn’t say what I think or feel; otherwise, people

will reject me”; “Smile and be nice, don’t show my feelings, because
nobody really cares”; “Don’t trust men, they are all uncaring and
unfeeling”; “I’m unwanted, and I don’t belong here.”

In this stage, he begins to see his part in the drama, how he could have
handled or perceived the situation differently, even as an infant, child, or
adolescent. Therefore, it is important for him to identify his core beliefs

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and misinterpretations that led to his feeling rejected or allowed him to

allow others to hurt him as they did. This may be a radical concept for
many that I, as a child, played an important role in how things occurred.
This will become clearer after having worked through the stages of grief
and forgiveness. Unless you have been there, this may be hard to swallow.
I know it was for me.
Once he identifies the distortions and misinterpretations, he experiences
an even greater freedom. He can let his parents, his siblings, or the perpe-
trator off the hook. He sees how he helped create his own defensive detach-
ment and pushed the possibilities of love out of his life, even as a child.
This final phase is extremely empowering and liberating. By taking re-

sponsibility for his part in the drama, by understanding his misinterpreta-

tions, he may stop blaming others and thereby begin recreating himself as
a whole man. Robert Bly speaks about making two rooms in our heart for

our father: “The son who always knew about his father’s cruel and de-
structive side will find it easy to furnish one of these dark rooms. . . . But
that very same son needs to build a second room to house the generous
and blessed side of his father. ... If we haven’t yet made two rooms, and
furnished them, we can’t expect our father, living or dead, to move in.

Those men who have made both rooms inside their souls could begin to

think of inviting in a mentor. He will also need two rooms.

FOURTH TASK: DEVELOPING HEALTHY, HEALING,

SAME-SEX RELATIONSHIPS
That which was born out of broken, unhealthy relationships needs to be
healed in loving, nurturing relationships. Heterosexuality blossoms after a
person fulfills homo-emotional needs and experiences gender identity.

That why marriage will never solve same-sex attractions.

is

Heterosexual men and women are the transmitters of God’s love to

help provide homo-emotional love needs and successful bonding. With-
out experiencing the true masculine or true feminine love from another
person, the individual in recovery lives a life of frustration and yearning.
God’s love is experienced through people. We must be true and ideal par-
ents for one another.
Men must heal with other men, and women must heal with other
women. Activities such as talking, walking, hiking, camping, fishing,
sports, and just being together will provide the environment in which
change may take place. In such a safe setting, in safe relationships, the
wounds of the past will emerge and healing will occur.

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Another therapeutic method I promote and teach is Mentoring. This is

like planting seeds after pulling weeds. I believe this is an essential element
for true, lasting, and organic healing to occur. Mentoring is a profound re-
lationship between two people: the mentor and the adult-child. “If you are

a young man and you are not being admired by an older man, you are being

hurt.”^^ The mentor becomes the surrogate father to the man in recovery.

The mentor will be able to provide the unmet homo-emotional love needs
that the recovering person never experienced in childhood or adolescence.

When they develop a deep bond, the adult-child may begin to get
angry and resistant. When he gets close to someone and starts letting his

walls down, primal emotions begin to emerge. Through grieving with the
mentor, the pains of his past will heal and successful bonding will occur.
It takes time to build trust. First comes honesty: sharing himself with his

mentor and feeling accepted. Second comes trust: knowing the mentor
will be there rather than run away and judge him. Finally comes Jove: ex-
posing the ugliest parts to his mentor who still embraces and cares for
him. These relationships work, aided by prayer, patience, and persistence.
His defensive shields will break down and healthy bonding will occur
as he learns to trust the mentor. In this way, he fulfills homo-emotional
needs and experiences his gender identity. If the same-sex parent is alive

and willing to engage in this process, he is the best person for the job.
Coaching most parents in effective ways to mentor their children is im-
portant. (See chapter 12 on mentoring for suggestions.)

In summary, the four tasks to be accomplished in Stage Three are:

1) continuing all tasks of Stage Two; 2) discovering the root causes of

homo-emotional wounds; 3) beginning the process of grieving, forgiving,
and taking responsibility; and 4) developing healthy, healing same-sex
relationships.

Alex understood the root causes of his same-sex attractions and was
ready to face the past, heal the wounds, and fulfill unmet needs. His
sexual addictions to anonymous sex, male pornography, and com-
pulsive masturbation were no longer a part of his daily life. He had
friends, played sports, prayed and meditated, and had developed a
strong sense of his inherent value as a beloved son of God. He prac-
ticed good communication skills in his personal and professional
Whenever someone spoke words that hurt him, he could either
life.

take care of himself or he would share honestly with the other per-
son. Going straight is about being straight with selfand others.

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Now it was time to delve into the past. Through voice dialogue,
bioenergetics, and memory healing, we began to explore the pain

Alex experienced in relationship to his father and brother. Restora-

tion works in reverse to the way in which the original wounding oc-

curred. First, one must deal with the lesser wound before facing the
more profound wound. Alex sensed that, first, he needed to heal
with Jason. Through role-play and voice dialogue, he allowed his
wounded inner child to come forth and share with Jason how he
felt when attacked and beaten. Frozen tears and primal emotions
were released as Alex’s inner child spoke about his pain. “Why did
you hit me? Why did you beat me? I needed your love so bad, but
all I felt was your anger.”
We also used bioenergetic exercises to allow his inner child to ex-
press his anger and pain. I had him imagine Jason standing on the
other side of the pillows as he screamed, pounded, and eventually
took back his power. Alex had, in a most unhealthy manner, sub-
mitted to Jason and his dad. He abdicated responsibility by shutting
down emotionally, thus becoming a “victim.” During several ses-

sions, while utilizing memory healing, Alex was able to grieve the

loss of a close relationship with his brother, experience relief, and ul-

timately forgive Jason. Through bleeding his own wound, he was

able to see the common wounding in Jason, who was equally defi-
cient in experiencing healthy Father’s love. Through role-play, voice

dialogue, bioenergetics, and memory healing, Alex was able to re-

claim a part of his masculinity.

Next, it was time to investigate his relationship with his father.

Alex allowed his inner child to share with his dad how he felt when
he was verbally, emotionally, and mentally abused. Through role-

play, voice dialogue, bioenergetics, and memory healing, Alex

grieved about the pain and loss of Father’s love. “Why weren’t you
there for me? Where were you? I needed you. Fm not a sissy. Fm a
boy, and I am deserving of your love.” Alex pounded so hard,
screaming, shouting, reclaiming his power, and taking back the
male energy he abandoned so many years ago. “I am a boy. I am a
man. I am deserving of love. I won’t take your verbal abuse any-
more. I give you back all your shame, all your name-calling, all

your fears and guilt.”

Alex learned to stand in his power, transitioningfrom a victim to

a victor of love. As he let go of his anger, frustration, and pain, he

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began to experience more power within himself. Through memory

healing, he was able to forgive his father and see the wounded child
within his dad. Realizing that his dad did not experience the
warmth and encouragement of his father, Alex was able to feel
more compassionate and forgiving toward him.
Simultaneous with this process of inner healing, Alex was being
mentored by an elder in his church. He met weekly with his men-
tor, Rich. They spent time together sharing. Rich was a good listener

and a strong role model for Alex. When Alex was grieving. Rich
would hold him in his arms, allowing him to feel loved as he
detoxed from years of repressed anger and pain. Rich was very pa-
tient and loving toward Alex. In this way, Alex’s neurology was being
reprogrammed. The pain was being weeded out of his system and
love was being poured in — pulling weeds and planting seeds. Alex
and Rich also went to games together, played ball, and took walks.
Alex was making up for all the times he had missed with his dad.
Alex also maintained close friendships with several guys from
the gym, his support group, and his church. He was able to freely
share with them what he was experiencing in his emotional and
mental reprocessing work. His support network surrounded him as

he released the past and reclaimed his masculinity. More and more,
he felt grounded in his power. His same-sex attractions waned now
that he experienced his own sense of gender identity.

Stage Four: Healing the Hetero-Emotional Wounds

(Psychodynamic Therapy)
In the last stage of recovery, the individual will address hetero-emotional
wounds. Again, as in Stage Three, the causes must be identified, the
wounds healed, and the unmet hetero-emotional love needs fulfilled. The
final task will be to learn about the character differences of men and
women.
In Stage Four, there are four tasks:

1 . Continuing all the tasks of Stage Two

2. Discovering the root causes of hetero-emotional wounds

3. Continuing the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking responsibility

4. Developing healthy, healing opposite-sex relationships, and learning to under-

stand and appreciate the opposite sex

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FIRST TASK: CONTINUING ALL THE TASKS OF STAGE TWO
Work with the support network; continue to build self-worth and experi-
ence value from God; continue building assertiveness, communication,
and problem-solving skills; and continue to identify thoughts, feelings,
and needs in the present.

SECOND TASK: DISCOVERING THE ROOT CAUSES

OF HETERO-EMOTIONAL WOUNDS
Finally, and in some cases even more difficult, will be healing the hetero-emo-
tional wounds, i.e., unhealthy mother-son attachment, unhealthy father-
daughter attachment, sexual abuse by someone of the opposite sex, women
experiencing rejection by men, and men experiencing rejection by women.
There may have been an excessive and/ or abusive attachment between
the child and parent or significant person of the opposite sex. Sometimes,
the meaning of homosexuality is a flight from intimacy with members of
the opposite sex to avoid the profound trauma experienced in infancy,
childhood, or adolescence. Simple science demonstrates that opposites at-

tract and like polarities repel each other. If a man feels repulsed by a
woman, perhaps he is overidentified with the feminine. As he increases his

sense of masculine identification, he will be attracted to his opposite, a fe-

male. “The purpose of life is to unify the masculine and feminine within,
creating a proper balance. It affects all of our behavior and relationships if

we are missing one part, or are at odds with one part.”’^

The individual in recovery must uncover the root causes that prevent
him from relating intimately with someone of the opposite sex. He must
identify and heal these issues.

THIRD TASK: CONTINUING THE PROCESS OF GRIEVING,

FORGIVING, AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
The stages of healing are recall, release, relief, realize, and responsibility.

The individual must work through hetero-emotional wounds on an emo-

tional level. Afterwards, he processes on an intellectual level, taking per-
sonal responsibility for his part in the drama.

FOURTH TASK: DEVELOPING HEALTHY, HEALING OPPOSITE-SEX

RELATIONSHIPS, AND LEARNING TO UNDERSTAND AND
APPRECIATE THE OPPOSITE SEX
In this phase, it may help to have a therapist of the opposite sex. This will

allow transference to occur, projecting repressed feelings toward the oppo-

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site sex onto the therapist. This will expedite the healing process. Healing
the mother-son and father-daughter relationship is crucial for successful

transitioning into healthy heterosexual relationships. The individual pro-

jects past resentments onto the future spouse unless the wounds heal. This

makes the spouse constantly pay for the hurts and wounds received in the
past. This is happening in many heterosexual relationships, which is one

reason for the high rate of divorce.

To assist in this process, it is important for the individual to establish
healthy, healing, loving, nonsexual relationships with members of the op-
posite sex. The best person for the job is the mother or father. I recom-
mend the use of Attachment/Holding Therapy as taught by Dr. Martha
Welch. My family and I did some healing work with Dr. Welch. If I had
experienced holding time with my parents several decades ago, I would
not have needed to process through my thoughts and feelings with so
many therapists and groups. I could have taken care of them at the source,

with my mom and dad. If the parent is alive, I strongly recommend heal-

ing with him or her, if they are willing to engage in the process. {A warn-
ing: It is important to accept the fact that some parents are too unhealthy
and incapable of participating in the healing process. Trying to force or

coerce a parent into the healing process may rewound the adult-child.) I

will share more about Attachment/Holding Therapy in chapter 6.

In this final stage, it is also important for men to learn more about
women, and for women to learn more about men. The works of Deborah
Tannen, John Gottman, John Gray, Harville Hendrix, Pat Love, Ellen
Kreidman, Barbara De Angelis, Gary Smally, and others will help the per-
son in recovery better understand and appreciate the opposite sex. (See Ref-

erences for a suggested reading list.) If the man in recovery was close to his

mother, and more into his feminine nature, he woman, knew women as a

not as a man. The same holds true for the woman coming out of homo-
sexuality. She may have known men from a more masculine point of view,

not from a womans perspective. Therefore, it is important to learn about

the opposite sex in a healthy way, from one’s own gender’s point of view.
This is a healthy and radical shift in perspective for the person in recovery.

“If the son learns feeling primarily from the mother, then he will probably
see his own masculinity from the feminine point of view as well. He may
find his masculinity fascinating, but still frightening. He may pity it and
want to reform it, or he may be suspicious of it and want to kill it. He may
admire it, but he will never feel at home with it.”^^ The converse is true as
well. He will see femininity from the eyes of a woman until he experiences

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his own gender identity and then learns about women as a man.
Natural desires for opposite-sex relationships often emerge as he expe-
riences his gender identity, heals the hetero-emotional wounds, and estab-
lishes healthy attachment relationships with members of the opposite sex.

A married man will experience greater intimacy with his wife once he has
healed the hetero-emotional wounds.
The individual’s true gender identity will down emerge after breaking
the defensive detachments between men and men, women and women,
men and women, and women and men, bonding with both the same and
opposite sexes. Natural attractions and feelings for the opposite sex arise
out of this process of healing. There is no magic except for the profound
relationships of love that arise during this process of transformation and
the freedom experienced by lifting the walls of detachment.
In summary, the four tasks to be accomplished in Stage Four are:

1) continuing all the tasks of Stage Two; 2) discovering the root causes of
hetero-emotional wounds; 3) continuing the process of grieving, forgiving,
and taking responsibility; and 4) developing healthy, healing opposite-sex
relationships, and learning to understand and appreciate the opposite sex.

Alex needed to work on his relationship with his mother. Fie had
been enmeshed with her since he could remember. {Enmeshed de-
scribes an unhealthy attachment in an intimate relationship,
whereby the proper boundaries between Mother and son have been
violated.) Fie was her precious little boy, sweetheart, and substitute
spouse. Fie carried the scars of this unhealthy attachment through
his adolescence and adult life. Fie feared intimacy with women,
afraid he would be consumed by their demands. It was time to face

the mother of his past that lived deep within his soul. We used role-
play, psychodrama, inner-child healing, voice dialogue, bioenerget-
ics, memory healing, and holding therapy. In sessions, Alex
debriefed about how he felt when his mom would share her bur-
dens with him. Through role-play and bioenergetics, he expressed
much sadness, anger, and pain. In our support group, he created a
psychodrama, having different people play the roles of his mother,
father, brother, sisters, and himself. This was a very powerful
method for him to recall the family system and see what part he
played in the drama and how each family member must have felt.
Alex began a mentoring relationship with Elizabeth, Rich’s wife.
In this way, he began to know women from another perspective.

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Elizabeth was neither clinging nor demanding. She simply em-

braced him and allowed him to be a part of her and her husband’s
world. This was a great healing for Alex. He had never experienced
what it felt like to be close to a woman in a nonthreatening way.

His inner child was scared and excited to know a woman without
fear of being consumed by her needs. Elizabeth was a very refresh-
ing influence in Alex’s new life.

We arranged for Alex’s parents and siblings to attend a holding

session that lasted all day. My wife helped me, as she does with each
holding session. In this way, both men and women feel represented
and safer. Eirst, Alex’s parents held each other. I had them express
how they thought and felt about one another, the good points as

well as the bad points. In the beginning, they were quite superficial,
playing the sweet and loving couple. Then, Jason, Alex, and their
sisters ganged up on each side of them and began screaming, “Stop
acting so sweet. We know that each one of you is so hurt by the
other. Let it out and stop making us feel like we have to take care of

you!” This was a wake-up call to Alex’s mom and dad. While hold-
ing her husband, his mother began to express years of pain and dis-
appointment. She cried and screamed how lonely she was while he
was out drinking. She told him how hurt she was that he had ne-
glected and abused the children. She mourned in his arms as all the

children were crying.

Next, it was Dad’s turn. Still an alcoholic, he was unable to ac-
cess his deeper feelings. For so many years, he had repressed his
wounded self He recalled to his wife and children how his own fa-

ther had beat him senseless, day after day, year after year, and never
gave him one word of encouragement. He told them that he knew
he had failed them, but at least he didn’t hurt them as badly as his

father had hurt him. They were all silent and shocked, as he had
never shared about his family before. They could see that he had
masked his own pain through alcohol and overworking.
We then had Mom and Dad hold the children — first was Jason,
then Becky and Sarah. Finally, it was Alex’s turn. He held with his
dad. Alex screamed and cried, as this was the first time for him to
touch and be touched by his father. He cried out, like a child,
“Dad, I missed you my whole life. Do you think I wanted to have
sex with other men? I was always searching for you in their arms. I

need you. Dad, I need you. Where were you? Why did you always

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criticize me and call me names? Please hold me and tell me that you
love me.” On and on he went, letting his dad know how much he
was hurt by his actions and words. Alex did not want to let go of his
dad since this was their first bonding experience. His father apolo-
gized for his critical nature and verbal abuse. He told Alex he was
sorry that he had not been a better dad. Finally, he told his son, “I
love you, Alex.”
Then Alex held with his mother. He screamed and cried, telling

her how disgusted he was when she would share her misery with
him. “I felt like your husband, not your son. Why did you share that
crap with me? I didn’t want to know your pain; I just needed your
love. I never felt safe with you, only burdened and pained.” He con-
tinued, “Mom, I am now establishing a new relationship with you.
I need clear boundaries. I do not want to hear about your pain, your
problems, and your issues. am your son, not your friend. Please get
I

a life. Find others your own age who can help you. That’s not my
role. I’m your son. I need you to care for me.” Alex felt relieved after

sharing these thoughts, feelings, and needs with his mom.

She was deeply saddened by his sharing. She had no idea that he
felt so hurt and betrayed. She thought she had done the best for him
and the other children. She cried and apologized for any hurt she
caused her son. She told him that she loved him and that she would
try not to share her burdens with him. She then went into a “poor
me” mode, saying that no one is there for her. All the kids held her
and screamed, “Mom, get a life. Find friends that can help and love
you. Stop leaning on us!” This was very hard for her to hear.
Last, we had the kids hold each other and debrief about unre-
solved issues they had with one another. Jason and the girls held and
cried as they recalled many episodes. Alex held with Jason and told
him how hurt and offended he was by the verbal and physical abuse.

Jason apologized, knowing that he had passed on to Alex what he felt

about his dad. They held each other, cried, and forgave one other.

I would like to say that they all lived happily ever after, but

change takes place over a period of time through practice, practice,

and practice. Alex had to keep reminding his mom not to share her
heartaches with him. He requested that his dad spend some time
with him. His father agreed and thus began a new phase in both of
their lives. Jason and Alex agreed to talk on the phone frequently,

getting to know one another as adults.

97
 HEALING

Alex’s father was still emotionally unavailable, so Alex needed to

continue receiving from his male friends and mentors. He eventu-
ally accepted the fact that his father could not give him all that he
needed. This realization created a peaceful state in his heart and
soul. No Dad for the love he was unable to
longer did he look to
give. Alex saw his father for who he was and learned to be grateful

for what he could give. Alex’s love for his father was now one of

gratitude and maturity.

Alex began dating. His attractions for women began to emerge
after healing the homo-emotional wounds and fulfilling the unmet
needs. After a year of dating several women, Alex met Christina.
She was a very lovely and open woman. He shared about his past
and his healing journey. She was very moved by his commitment to
change, his perseverance, and his deep faith in God. Eventually
they married and had two children. Now, Alex is a good father to

his children and a better husband than his father was able to be. Of
course, the road is not always easy, as shadows of the past reveal

themselves. However, Alex and Christina have tools to use as they

work through their respective issues. She, too, has done much heal-
ing work to restore her past. They continue to grow individually, as
a couple, and as a family.

Alex’s therapy lasted a little over three years. It took approximately one year
for him to break his addictive cycle. Through that time period, he built a
solid support network and learned many skills to gain a better sense of self
Through the passageway of his inner child, the wounds of his past
emerged. Healing took place through many methods, as I have already de-
scribed. Alex experienced his own gender identity as he removed the shields
of detachment between himself and his father and brother. His needs were
fulfilled through healthy male bonding. He learned more about women by
being mentored by a generous woman. Attachment/holding therapy with
his entire family helped create an opening to establish new relationships
with his father, mother, and siblings. Alex continues to grow each day as a

son of God, husband, father, and powerful man in the world.

A brief note about the role of the therapist

This plan of healing out of homosexuality is not exactly a linear model.
During the first two stages, the individual may need to heal from pro-
found wounds of the past. Bringing relief to those wounds in the early

98
 PROCESS OF HEALING
stages of healing is very important. However, it is vital that the therapist

encourage the client to develop a proper support system that will provide
the necessary holding environment while he works through the four stages
of recovery I see the role of the therapist as a guide, facilitator, midwife,
teacher, mentor, and parent. However, the therapist must direct the client

through each stage of recovery, assisting him in accomplishing the devel-

opmental and social tasks at hand. The client will experience much trans-

ference as a natural part of the therapeutic relationship. However, the

therapist should not be the main source of love or the main mentor. The
therapist must encourage the client to develop healthy and healing rela-

tionships outside the context of therapy.

Conclusion
Of course, this description is very brief and simplistic. In chapter 6, I will

discuss more “how to do it,” with tools and techniques to be used in each
stage of recovery. Healing same-sex attractions is possible. I have done it,

and I have assisted many clients as well. Seeing individuals come to under-
stand the deeper meaning of their desires, and seeing them become freed
from those chains that bound them for years, is both moving and gratifying.

This process takes years. There is no quick fix in matters of the heart.
One client came to me in desperation, having sought help from psy-
chiatrists and psychologists over twenty years of his life. No one could re-

lieve the pain lodged deep in his soul. No one could help him stop acting
out. After several initial sessions of assessing his background, I took him
back, through a deep state of relaxation, to the key events that created his
same-sex attractions. Finally, he was able to face his father, grieve his
losses, and offer forgiveness. This was the breakthrough he long sought.
He said, “A wall has been lifted,” and his acting-out behaviors ceased com-
pletely. He came to understand that the desires were merely a cover-up for

much deeper emotions that resulted from wounds he never knew existed.
Of course, this was an exceptional case, as most do not heal so quickly. He
also had done much therapy before our sessions. Today, seven years have

gone by and he is blossoming!

Understanding the origins of the homosexual condition is imperative
to aiding any man or woman who is trying to exit from this state of “dis-
ease.” I encourage all therapists to learn more about the process of healing.
To those who wish to change, please know that you are not alone. You can
do it.

99
 'I'il

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 CHAPTER FIVE

Christian

t was July 1995 and I had come to the end of a very long, long road. I

I was gay—a homosexual. It was time to give up the charade I had been
playing for forty-four years. It was a deep, dark secret I had hidden from
everyone. This feeling of gayness had been a part of every aspect of my life,

and I could no longer tolerate the incredible pain. I supposedly had it all.

I had a great job and social life. I had the suburban lifestyle. I had a beau-
tiful, devoted, loving wife of over twenty years and the greatest daughter
and son a father could ever hope for. Ultimately, however, I always felt

trapped as a homosexual pretending to be a straight man in a straight

world where I just didn’t belong. It was time to come out as a gay man.
I grew up as a kid in the 1950s and went to college in the late ’60s. I

was not part of the pre-“coming out” acceptance of gays in the 1970s. As
a child, teenager, and college student, there was no one available in the

public sector to openly go to for support. “Queers” and “fags” was the ter-
minology I knew, and I certainly felt I fit the mold. It was always too
frightening as a kid and young adult to actually admit I was a queer. I

thought if I just play the part of a straight man, maybe it will all go away.
The general public did not accept gayness; it was definitely taboo.
With the 1970s a flood of information came to me from strong,
openly gay men and women. The media blitz and the changing world
were letting me know that, “Hey, you’re gay, and it’s okay.” It was not okay
with me. I had already married and started a family. I ached to be a part of
the gay scene, but I also ached for my sexual feelings for men to just go
 HEALING

away. I was upset with and jealous of gay men because I felt alone, iso-
lated, and detached from any identification with heterosexual or homo-
sexual men.
Up to the early 1980s, I had only once gone to a Christian counselor
about my “depression.” He informed me I was a latent homosexual, prob-
ably should break off my engagement and look at nude pictures of women
to get the “cure.” Needless to say, I dismissed his advice and pretended this
counseling had never occurred.
By the early 1980s, I was like a volcano ready to explode. I had never
had a sexual encounter with a man. I had lots of fantasies and wet dreams,
but never actual physical encounters. Theater had been a way for me to be

around and near gay men. It was after a theatrical performance I confessed
to a friend, who was gay, that I had sexual feelings for men. Soon after this

confession, I got invited to his apartment where he introduced me to ho-

mosexual sex. It was like thirty years of dead, suppressed weight lifted

from me. I soon found another cast member who was more than willing
to engage in sex with the new gay on the block. I thought I was in heaven,

but it quickly turned to hell for me. I felt empty, alone, frightened, de-
ceitful, guilty, dirty, and ultimately, heading in a direction where I did not
want to go.

I was living a double life. I confessed to my wife I was gay. She did not
accept this as truth. She knew I was not gay, but her ability to help me was
just not there. A straight psychologist tried to help me, but he had no clue
what to do. He knew I wanted to stay married, but did not know how to

help me. I read some literature and got the idea that this was genetic and
that was that. To help support the genetic theory, my sister had confessed
to the family that she was gay! I dropped the psychologist, and my wife
and I pretended that the problem went away. I hated myself
A few years after this in the mid 1980s, I had again stayed away from
gay sexual encounters. However, my wife’s and my sexual life was a sham-
bles. I my wife. This was not the best criteria for wedded
hated sex with
bliss. She sent me off to a New Age encounter with some guru who could
“zap” the homosexuality out of me. I was desperate and scared, so I agreed
to go. It was man was possessed by some demon
horrific. I question if this

that really wanted to suck out my soul. He worked by intimidating and

humiliating me in front of hundreds of his followers. He pronounced I

was the devil and for his followers to shun and stay away from me. I fled

this scene and was sure any hope of ridding myself of gayness was totally

unrealistic. I again began to periodically engage in sexual encounters with

102
 CHRISTIAN

men. It became an addiction and short-lived fix. I could go months with-

out having sex with a man, but then if something happened in my life that
was stressful, I would flee for a homosexual encounter. I realized I kept
searching for the perfect man, and if I found him, he would be strong
enough and love me enough to take me away from the straight world. I

would then be safe, warm, and loved. As the years passed, I realized that

this was a fantasy that just was not going to come true.

So, I take you back to July 1995. My anxiety level was about to ex-
plode. With deep regret, I had secretly begun to see a counselor for gays to

transition out of my marriage to the gay community. I felt thoroughly de-

pressed, but felt I had no other choice for the sake of my wife and for my
survival. At the same time, my wife presented me with a book written by
Richard Cohen entitled Alfies Home. She had seen Richard on the Ricki
Lake show many months before. She had diligently tracked down this

book. On this TV show, Richard claimed he could transition men from

homosexuality to heterosexuality. I was furious and very skeptical. I de-
cided no more wacko gurus for me. It was garbage. My wife then gave me
the best ultimatum of my life: “Go see Richard, or move out and get a di-
vorce.” I loved her enough to try one more time, but felt it was another
hopeless course.
I was totally and utterly skeptical of therapy that gave me a choice to
be straight. I was too old at forty-four to change. There could be no mag-
ical my feet firmly planted in the genetic theory. My
“hocus-pocus.” I had
childhood encounters and my parents had nothing to do with this gayness
that I felt. Richard Cohens therapy would not work.
I wish there were a way to convey true gut feelings. It was a dark, bro-

ken individual who had his first therapy session with Richard. For me,
building a trusting relationship with him was the key that began to open
the door of healing for me.
Being able to pour out my true feelings to someone who was really lis-

tening was an important first step for me. He had walked the walk, so I

could accept what was truth for him. His living example gave me the ini-
tial prospect that healing just might be possible. I knew I wanted to tran-

sition, so I would take it one day at a time.

I began to learn that there were major key factors that contributed to
my homo-emotional feelings. It was important for me to learn that my
same-sex attractions were the sum of these key factors. My childhood,
in my eyes, had been perfect. My parents had provided me with a beauti-
ful home, clothes, food, and social and travel experiences. An incredible

103
 HEALING

realization was that neither of my parents was demonstrative in physical

touch or verbal affirmations. memory of either of my parents
I have no
ever telling me they loved me. I have one memory of my mom hugging
me. My father never hugged me. I realized how devastating this was for
me. I had no healthy touch experience from my parents within my child-
hood memories to the present. I clearly remember fantasizing, as a young
child, about my dad’s friends holding me and having sexual fantasies
about them. I was not getting healthy touch from anyone.
I believed that the only time one touched was for sex, so I would dread
any touch by anyone, as it would lead to sex. In therapy, mentoring ses-
sions where men and women held me safely brought incredible healing
and my biggest breakthrough. I felt like a little child being loved by a par-

ent in a very healthy way. I discovered quickly that I could get healthy
touch. I knew I had been seeking out touch with men in an unhealthy
way. I just wanted touch and would have sex to get it.

Memory work of the inner child was also another key factor in my
transitioning. When Richard asked me to draw pictures with my non-
dominant hand and write down feelings and experiences, I truly thought

this was a crazy and a stupid task. However, I quickly had clear memories
of childhood. It came out on paper about how I left myself wide open for
inappropriate touch by one relative and sexual abuse by teenage boys who
would baby-sit and take me on outings. This helped to peel away more
layers of what had felt like, “I’m gay.”
Having group sessions with people who were working towards healing
was incredibly supportive. It was another key to my healing to have a sup-
port group and individuals with whom I could say whatever I needed to
say. Sometimes it was to tell them how I was healing or to tell them I was
having a bad time and felt like acting out. It could be to tell them I had
sexual feelings for them and to discuss why those feelings were there and
how to resolve them in a healthy way.

My pastor and great friend is very secure in his heterosexuality. We get

together to talk about anything and everything. He can support me in

mentoring and we go to the gym, play tennis, get together for lunch, and
just hang out. I am totally comfortable with him in a mutual heterosexual
friendship.

Massage therapy really helped me to accept appropriate touch. Having

deep pressure applied to my muscles felt as if my body was transitioning
from a sexual touch to the acceptance of normal, healthy touch.

104
 CHRISTIAN

In July 1995, 1 started a therapy course that changed my life. I had in-

dividual therapy, sometimes twice a week, for a little less than two years. I

was in a support group for the same amount of time. At the end of this

time, it became apparent that I was living a wonderful, productive life

with my wife, children, and friends. I had and have the tools necessary to

continue to grow as the man I have become. My darkness and anxiety are
completely gone. I really enjoy sex with my wife. I do not have homo-
emotional feelings for men. I am not, nor ever was, gay. I had addictive
homo-emotional feelings for men. I feel fantastic because I had a choice
made available to me. I believe strongly that I had to make a choice for
me. A choice I believe. I chose to transition, and it is possible.

I no longer identify with the man I was before July 1995. That was a
lifetime ago. I feel reborn. At the beginning of my therapy, I felt so alone.
A friend in my support group said, “If you think you’re alone, then you are
wrong. You are not alone anymore.” I have God, my wife, my two chil-

dren, and the great prospects of what life holds for me each day!

105
 I

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 CHAPTER SIX

Therapeutic Tools
and Techniques
God
believe designed humankind as complementary opposites. Men
I and women fit together as the fulfillment of creation. Simple science
demonstrates that opposites attract. When you have two magnets of op-
posite polarities, they naturally gravitate toward each other. If you have
two magnets of the same polarity, they naturally repel one another. If a

man feels an attraction to another man, then he is internally seeking that

which is lacking within himself He seeks to incorporate the lost, or miss-
ing, part of his psyche. If a man experiences his own masculinity, then he
is naturally attracted to his opposite, a woman.
I would like to share with you —whether you are a professional thera-

pist, pastor, rabbi, parent, spouse, friend, family member, a concerned

loved one, or an overcomer —some of the tools and techniques that may

In this chapter, I address many of my comments to the therapist or helper. I believe there

is a great need in the mental-health profession and religious community to understand

how to help men and women come out of homosexuality. This is a general introduction,
not a detailed explanation, to various therapeutic modalities. My intention is to provide

the technology ofchange; the various tools may be learned by studying the suggested read-

ing and through further education.

 HEALING

facilitate change along the road of restoration. I have complete confidence

that by using these skills, together with the four-stage model of recovery,
any man, woman, or adolescent who desires to come out of homosexual-
ity may do so.
Every wounded person needs to recover in four areas — intellectual,

emotional, physical, and spiritual. To successfully heal, the individual

must give attention to each one of these areas. Talk therapy will only ad-
dress certain issues. Therefore, he must use a variety of techniques in the
four stages of recovery. The treatment plan is tailor-made to meet his spe-
cific needs. There are assignments that he is required to do for skill build-
ing, problem solving, and getting in touch with his thoughts, feelings, and
needs. Other therapists and I have found that those who participate in

their own recovery by doing homework and other assignments grow and
heal much quicker.
A word of warning to therapists, counselors, pastors, and caregivers: Ifyou
ever find yourself working harder, or being more invested in the therapy than

your client, then something is wrong Your job is to be the pick. Your client

must take up the shovel and do his own work if he is to heal. A Same-Sex
Attachment Disorder is an indication of delayed development, being stuck
in some earlier stage or stages of psychosexual, psychosocial, psychospiri-
A tual, and psychological development. Therefore, much of the work will be
identifying where there is developmental arrest, helping the client heal
wounds, and assisting in the fulfillment of unmet needs. For this to occur,

instruction, guidance, and proper parenting will be necessary.

Those working with the overcomer need to understand: 1) the nature
of the homosexual condition; 2) the four stages of recovery; and 3) the
need for the fulfillment of developmental tasks in each stage. Here is

where the therapeutic tools and techniques are important. It is necessary

to follow the four stages in proper order to ensure that the individual does

not omit developmental tasks and jeopardize his success. (Again, if neces-
sary, one may need to jump from one stage to another to take care of some
immediate business, e.g., deep grieving or facing a critical situation. After
this is complete, he returns to the previous stage of healing.)

A Brief Summation of the Four Stages of Recovery

fyage One: The individual needs to cut ties with homosexual fantasy, stop
y' homosexual behavior, terminate relationships with friends in the ho-

mosexual community, and build a support network of healthy love. He

needs to build a sense of self-worth by developing a personal relation-

108
 THERAPEUTIC TOOLS AND TECHNIQUES

ship with God. This is behavioral therapy, modifying inappropriate

behavior and replacing it with positive, healthy sources of love.

Stage Two: The individual needs to develop skills for creating happiness in
his present life. This is cognitive therapy, teaching communication and
problem-solving skills, assertiveness training, and correcting faulty

thinking. Here he begins inner-child work, learning about feelings and

needs. If an individual bypasses this stage, chances are that he will ter-
minate treatment, give up, and/or go into the homosexual lifestyle.

Stage Three: The individual needs to identify the homo-emotional

wounds, heal them, and then fulfill them in healthy, nonerotic same-
sex relationships. This is the psychodynamic work of recovery, expos-
ing the wounds, grieving the pains and losses of the past, learning to
forgive, and finally moving on.

Stage Four: The individual needs to identify hetero-emotional wounds,

heal them, and then fulfill them in healthy opposite-sex relationships.

He needs to learn about women from a man’s perspective, and she

needs to learn about men from a woman’s perspective.

People always ask me how long this will take. It all depends on the sever-
ity of the wounds and the amount of time and energy the individual is

willing to invest in his healing. One to three years is the average time of
treatment.
There is one thing that I would like to make clear before presenting the
tools and techniques: The tools and techniques to be used in each stage
of recovery may change, but the tasks will remain the same. Those in
the mental health profession know we are always evolving in gaining a bet-
ter understanding of intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships as well

as learning new methods of healing. Even though the methods may

change, the tasks that one must accomplish to heal out of homosexuality
will always remain the same, as this is a developmental disorder. The
wounding occurred in specific ways and in specific times in the individ-
ual’s life. The individual must identify, understand, and heal those

wounds. These tasks will remain constant, as the individual must address
them regardless of the latest therapeutic technologies.

The Initial Session

When someone comes for help and shares about the nature of his situa-
tion and current conflicts, the first thing I ask is: “What are your goals for

109
 HEALING

our work together?” Quite often, many who seek counseling are not clear
about their goals. However, they must address this question. It makes
them think about what they want and need, and it gives the client and the
helper a clear direction for the work.
When we decide to work together, I begin by taking a thorough history.
Generally, this takes from two to three hours, sometimes more. During this

time, the client has an opportunity to share much about his life, many
things he has never shared with anyone before. It gives the therapist/helper

a bird’s-eye view of the family system and many other contributing factors
that the client will need to address along the road of recovery.
I generally give the client a sheet of questions to take home. I ask him
to respond to each question clearly, in outline form. I also ask him to draw
a genogram, or family tree, of three generations (see page 1 1 3 for an ex-
ample of a genogram). Of course, I show him how to construct the
genogram: beginning with paternal and maternal grandparents, the
client’s parents, siblings, and the families of siblings (if they exist).

It is very interesting to see how much the individual does or does not
know about his grandparents. This in itself may be very revealing about
family relationships, or lack thereof A good book about developing
genograms and family histories is Family Ties That Bind, by Dr. Ronald W.
Richardson.^
Here is the list of questions regarding the genogram:

1 . Please describe the relationship between your father and his father,

your father and his mother, your father and his siblings (if he had
any), and your father and any other significant people in his life

while he was growing up.

2. Describe the relationship between your father’s parents — past to
present.

3. Where did your father’s family live? Where did he grow up?
4. What was their ethnic background? What was their religious back-

ground?
5. Please describe the relationship between your mother and her fa-

ther, your mother and her mother, your mother and her siblings,

and any other significant people in her life growing up.

6. Describe the relationship between your mother’s parents — past to
present.

7. Where did your mother’s family live? Where did she grow up?
8. What was their ethnic background? Religious background?

110
 THERAPEUTIC TOOLS AND TECHNIQUES
9.

Please describe any major issues or events on both the paternal

and maternal sides of the family, such as war experiences, immi-
gration, sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional-mental abuse,
drug/alcohol/sexual addictions, gambling addictions, eating dis-
orders, sexual problems, major depressions, divorce, suicide, rape,

murder, theft, abortions, homosexuality, adoption, moving, etc.

The second list of questions is about the immediate family relationships:

1 . Describe your relationship with your father — past (from your earli-
est memories) to the present (current-day relationship).
2. Describe your father’s personality — past to present.
3. Describe your father’s education, employment history, and religious

history.

4. Describe your relationship with your mother — past to present.

5. Describe your mother’s personality — past to present.
6. Describe your mother’s education, employment history, and reli-

gious history.
7. Describe the relationship between your father and mother — past to
present.

8. Describe your relationship with your siblings (if you have any)
past to present.
9. Describe your siblings’ personalities.

10. Describe your relationship with any other significant people in or

out of your family system, i.e., grandmother, grandfather, uncle,
cousin, neighbor, and stepparent.
11. What was your role in the family system? (e.g., hero, pleaser, clown,

rebel, substitute spouse, golden child, caretaker, loner, scapegoat,

peacemaker.)
12. Describe your school history —academically and socially, past to

present.

13. Describe your sexual history —from your memories

earliest to the

present. Include all references to sex and sexuality, in or outside of

the family. When did the homosexual feelings and desires begin?
14. Describe your sexual fantasies —from past to present, as they may
have progressed over time. What kind of person are you attracted to?
What are his or her characteristics: physical attributes and personal-
ity traits? What activities are performed and in what environment?
15. Describe your religious history — past to present.
16. Describe yourself —how you see yourself today.

Ill
 HEALING

17. List any other significant issues about your life or your family that
were not covered in these questions, such as health issues, marriage
issues, extramarital affairs, career issues, money issues, and previous
treatment or therapy.
18. Please list your goals for therapy.

I will comment on a few of these points from the list of questions:

One thing that becomes apparent while doing this family history or re-

viewing the family history is the generational detachment between same-

sex parents and their same-sex children, e.g., the distance between fathers
and sons, and mothers and daughters. I have observed in many of my
male clients weaker paternal figures and much stronger maternal figures.
This leads a male to identify more easily with the feminine, the stronger
of the sexes in the family system.
While giving his family history, one man said, “I wanted to be a girl

because my father liked my sister more than me. He was always angry and
critical of me. Also, my mother had more fun, could speak her mind, and
was more loving.”
It is important to have him share about his earliest childhood memo-
ries because it is the fertile soil that cultivates the homosexual disorienta-
tion. Pay close attention to any —
memory lapses there is much useful in-
formation in those yet empty spaces. The conscious mind cannot hold
that which was too painful to remember. These places will be important
to revisit when working through stages three and four of recovery.
When reviewing the individual’s social life during school years, I most
often hear about a sense of being “different,” not fitting in with the other
kids, feelings of being less than or better than the others.
Inquiring about sexual fantasies is very important. There is much use-
ful information here since the homo-emotional wounds hide beneath the
homosexual fantasy. There is generally a progression of sexual fantasies as
well. Sometimes it starts out by just looking at naked men or women, and
then progresses to sexual activity, first viewing others doing it, and then
putting oneself in the picture. Of course, this will be unique to each indi-
vidual, depending upon the specific needs and the intensity of detach-
ment from parents and self.

Some feel attracted to older men, displaying a need to be taken care of

or fathered. Some adolescents/men feel an attraction to peers, seeking in

other men what they feel lacking within themselves. Most men feel drawn
to muscular, strong, and confident men — all the qualities they wish to

112
1999

January

M.A.,

Cohen,

Richard

©
 HEALING

possess. Some want to feel dominated, held, cared for, or mentored by the
men they admire. Others have an attraction to younger boys or teens. This
may represent several things: 1) unresolved trauma at that particular age;
2) unmet needs in that stage of development; or 3) a connection to some
form of abuse at that age (oftentimes a repressed or suppressed memory of
sexual abuse).
It is important to realize that sexual fantasies are always a coverup for
basic unmet homo-emotional love needs or fear of intimacy with someone
of the opposite sex. I have also found that these fantasies may hide re-

pressed anger toward one or both parents, anger that the child felt unable
to express whichnow being manifest as sexual desires. Still others, dis-
is

connected from their own sense of gender identity, want to watch hetero-
sexual men having sexual relations with women. In this way, they find
their lost identities in the men they wish to be. There are many variations

of sexual fantasies. It is important to find out as much detail as possible in

order to understand the deeper meanings behind the SSAD condition.
It is important to see what part religion has played in the client’s life

and what role it now plays. Many experience hurt by the slings and arrows
of persecution they experienced in their particular faiths. I have heard hor-
ror stories of how they sought help from their clergy and were then asked
to leave the congregation. Others feared to reveal their struggle because of
the strong judgmental attitudes they found in their faith. In other cases, if
they have strongly detached from their parents, then they may easily de-

tach from their parents’ religious beliefs. Oppositional behavior is an inte-

gral part ofhomosexuality. One young client shared with me, “I consciously
chose to be different from my father. If he liked country music, I chose
rock. If he liked white, I chose black. This was my way of telling him that
I didn’t like him at all.”

After reviewing the family history, I take tim^e to write a review of each
relationship and each area of the client’s life. I give my observations and
opinions about how these have impacted his growth and development.
When I give the client this evaluation, I invite him to first listen and take
it in. If I have made a mistake or misperceived something, I ask him to

correct me. This is generally a very good experience, for he gets another
perspective of the family system and how it has affected his life.

After completing the evaluation, I go over the four stages of healing,

thereby giving him a treatment plan, a road map of recovery. Then we
begin our work. If a client is in extreme pain at the initial session or ses-

sions, please give him time to express his feelings and thoughts before

114
 THERAPEUTIC TOOLS AND TECHNIQUES

doing a thorough history. This may be the first time for him to have found
a safe and secure place to let go and release his pain and frustration. The
helper must create a sacred space that is safe, secure, and nonjudgmental.

Questions to Ask a Prospective Therapist

—
Nemo Dat Quod Non Habet ^You cannot give what you do not have.
I have had many individuals ask me to refer them to a local therapist.

Many did not have a clue as to what to look for in a therapist or the ap-
propriate questions to ask. Therefore, I include this section for those seek-
ing counseling.
If you are the prospective client, realize that you are about to share
your heart and soul with a stranger. It is therefore important for you to in-
terview him or her. Chemistry is important, as well as the background and
skills of the therapist. Here are some questions you might consider asking:

• Please tell me about your education and training in this area of sex-
ual reorientation therapy
• What therapeutic modalities do you use? Please explain them in

simple laymans terms. (You will understand more about these

modalities after reading this chapter. I recommend finding a thera-
pist who is eclectic, knowledgeable, and proficient in many differ-

ent schools of therapy.)

• Have you worked with others who have transitioned out of homo-
sexuality?
• What is your success rate in doing this kind of work?
• Do you believe in God? (If important to you: “What is your reli-

gious faith?”)
• Have you done your own healing work?

The therapist may feel shocked or insulted by this last question: “Who are
you to ask me about my personal life?” You are the potential buyer who
will be paying lots of bucks for therapy, spending lots of time trying to
heal. Surely you do not want to cast your pearls before a swine who does
not have his own house in order. Healing is We
a journey, not a destination.
are all on the road somewhere trying to reach our ultimate destination. A
therapist can only take you as far as he has gone himself If he has not
healed his own life, how can he help you heal yours?
Again, the therapist does not need to come from a homosexual back-
ground. However, he needs to have worked on and through his own issues.
The best mentors are those who are victorious and successful in their per-

115
 HEALING

sonal lives. Otherwise, they are talking from their heads, not their hearts or
experience. Someone who has been through the war and won the battle can
teach well how to fight.

Tools and Techniques

I will now list some of the tools and techniques that may prove useful in
the four stages of recovery. This certainly is not an exhaustive list of ap-
proaches. They are merely some that I have used and found to be effective.

Following is a brief description of each technique. Later in this section, I

will recommend books that will describe how to implement these tools

and techniques in the therapeutic process. Again, my intention is not to

give an in-depth explanation of each approach, but to provide ways and
means of healing.

1 . Family Systems Therapy: Building a family history, seeing the bigger

picture, how the individual relates to and is influenced by the entire
family system.
2. Bibliotherapy: Study of literature, e.g., causes of same-sex attrac-
tions, healing of homosexuality, nature of sexual abuse, cycle of sex-
ual addiction, issues in recovery.

3. Education: I assist the client in building a support network and

teach social skills, communication skills, assertiveness, men-women
differences, and problem-solving techniques.
4. Cognitive Therapy: It is important to understand faulty thinking and
negative self-talk and to learn new skills to correct these cognitive
distortions.

5. Meditation and Affirmations: I teach clients to meditate, use creative

visualization, and work with affirmations on a daily basis. All these
help to build self-worth, enhance spiritual growth, and achieve goals.
6. Inner-Child Healing: I give many assignments to help him get in
touch with his inner child, his inner soul — learning to identify
thoughts, feelings, and needs of the present and past.
7. Bioenergetics and Core Energetics: Through methods of therapeutic
body work, the individual will learn to express anger in a healthy
way, release pent-up bodily tension and pain, get down to deeper

emotions and needs, and become more grounded and centered in

his body.

8. Role-Play/Gestalt Therapy: Through role-play and other similar

processes, the individual may speak to parents, siblings, perpetrators.

116
 THERAPEUTIC TOOLS AND TECHNIQUES
9.
himself, and anyone that caused him pain.

Psychodrama:T\\\s is used in group sessions, recreating the family sys-

tem or any other situation that caused him harm. Here he relives the

experience and then is able to release repressed/suppressed emotions.

10. Memory Healing and Neuro-Linguistic Programming: This is a process
of going back into past memories, re-experiencing what happened,
and this time reframing and healing the experience. This helps him
disassociate from the problem and associate with the solution.

1 1 . Family Constellation: Based on the work of Bert Hellinger, the indi-

vidual develops a family constellation in a group setting in order to
discover the hidden symmetry of love. The constellation may con-
sist of, but not be limited to, members of the immediate family,
people from the lineage, and others who may have impacted rela-

tionships and decisions of love.

12. Mentoring: This mentoring model helps the individual unmet
fulfill

homo-emotional and hetero-emotional love needs. Through men-

toring, secure attachment is achieved and love restored.
13. Attachment/Holding Therapy: This method to work with couples,
is a

parents, children, siblings, and other relatives. Through holding with

family members, a person can heal past wounds and develop or re-
store healthy attachment.

14. Voice Dialogue: A way to discover ones inner family, or subpersonal-

ities. It is also a great method to uncover lost, or disowned, parts of

the self
15. Exercise and Sports: For many men, athletics and exercise are a great

source of pain. Participating in group sports is very healing and an

important part of socialization.
16. Therapeutic Massage: This helps release many repressed wounds in

the body and brings healing and openness.

17. Behavioral and Gesture Re-Education: It is important to help men in-

herit more masculine behaviors and women more feminine behaviors.

18. Making Contracts: Discipline is an area of weakness for many coming
out of homosexuality. Making contracts to do homework assign-
ments and other tasks is very useful. Accountability is important.
19. Friendships: Establishing healthy same-sex friendships is critical to

healing out of homosexuality.

20. Transactional Analysis: This is a paradigm of ego structure incorpo-
rating the adult, parent, and child.

117
 HEALING

2\ Journaling: Writing
.
down thoughts, feelings, and experiences as a
means of understanding oneself and the process of healing.
22. Recording Sessions: A useful tool for many of my clients is to record

each of their individual sessions. Afterwards, in the quiet of their

homes or while driving in their cars, they are able to review the
lessons that were learned, the skills that were taught, and ways to

heal their wounds.

Four Areas of Healing

I will divide each stage of recovery into the four areas of healing — intel-

lectual, emotional, physical, and spiritual (see chart —Therapeutic Tools

and Techniques):

• Intellectual —The individual needs to re-create himself, developing a

positive self-image. Formation of negative thoughts about self and

others occurred as a result of unhealthy relationships in the past.
The individual must identify negative thought patterns and replace
them with positive thoughts and attitudes about self and others.

The individual needs to practice positive, assertive behaviors, learn-

ing to express thoughts, feelings, and needs in all relationships.
• Emotional —The wounds of the past must be healed. You cannot heal
it if you cannot feel it. The individual must identify and expose the
root causes of present difficulties. He must grieve the wounds of the
past. He can only heal the deeper, more severe memories in the pres-
ence of others who genuinely care. Forgiveness is also an important
part of this process. After grieving has taken place, forgiveness comes
naturally, understanding the commonality of our brokenheartedness.
He needs to learn forgiveness for himself, others, and God. Many
times, the inner child blames God for the abuse and neglect that oc-
curred. When he does not forgive, he gives energy to his pain and pro-
jects it onto others. Finally, he learns to take responsibility for his part

in the drama by identifying the distortions and misinterpretations

that led to his detachment from his primary caregivers.
• Physical —Experiencing his masculinity and (lost) gender identity is

critical for healing. This is achievable through regular exercise,

proper diet, and participating in sports and other same-sex social ac-

tivities. He needs to heal body-image wounds. He also needs to ful-

fill unmet love needs in healthy, healing, loving, nonsexual relation-

ships with members of the same and opposite sex. This will be

118
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 HEALING

accomplished by cutting off from the old lifestyle and developing a

new support system. He finds committed people who are on the

same path and forges new friendships. In this way, he can fulfill

homo-emotional needs and experience gender identity, and then

heterosexual desires will emerge.
• Spiritual —The individual needs to develop a personal relationship

with God, experiencing value for being loved as a child, not for tal-

ents or tasks, just for being a precious son. He bases his identity not
on sexuality, but on being a child, loved for who he is, not for what
he does. Finally, he must learn to understand Gods heart, how God,
as his Heavenly Father, has suffered along with him. God knows his

pain and heartaches. God is always there, ready to nurture and em-
brace him. The individual in recovery experiences this through
meditation, prayer, study, and affirmations.

Now, the four stages of healing using these various tools and techniques:

Therapeutic Tools and Techniques

Stage I: Transitioning

Intellectual Bibliotherapy
Education
Behavioral Therapy

Emotional Good Rapport:

Chent/Helper(s)
Building Support Network

Physical Exercise/Diet/ Sports/Fun/

Same-Sex Social Activities

Spiritual Building Self-Worth

Experiencing Value from God
Meditation/Prayer/Affirmations/ Study/ Spiritual Community

© Richard Cohen, M.A. January 1999

Stage One: Transitioning

1 . Cutting off from sexual behavior
2. Developing a support network
3. Building self-worth and experiencing value in rektionship with God

120
 THERAPEUTIC TOOLS AND TECHNIQUES
INTELLECTUAL
• Bibliotherapy

The individual in recovery must understand the causes of same-sex attrac-

tions and the process of healing. I assign him books to read on etiology
and treatment. Some of the books I recommend for men are: Reparative
Therapy ofMale Homosexuality and Healing Homosexuality^ by Dr. Jose ph
Nicolosi; Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethicy by Dr. Elizabeth
Moberly; Cleaning Out the Closet, by Dr. Christopher Austin. And for the

woman: Female Homosexuality: Choice Without Volition, by Dr. Elaine V.

Siegel, and Out ofEgypt, by Jeanette Howard. For a more extensive book

list, please call Regeneration Books for a catalogue at (410) 661-4337.

(See References at the back of the book.)

• Education

The helper (counselor, therapist, pastor, and rabbi) needs to assist in

teaching about the etiology of homosexuality and the process of healing.
Therefore, helpers need to read books and become well versed in under-
standing this condition.

• Behavioral therapy

It is critical that the individual disassociate himself from playgrounds,

playmates, and playthings that are part of the homosexual milieu. He
must stop going to places where he has engaged in such activities. He
must stop seeing his homosexual friends. He must stop buying homosex-
ual literature or pornography —anything that stimulates homosexual
thoughts and fantasies.
Unless the individual begins to get clean and sober, he will not be able
to gain greater awareness of himself. The homosexual activities and fan-

tasies continue to keep him disidentifed with and detached from his

deeper thoughts, feelings, and needs. For some in recovery, abstaining

from same-sex activities might be extremely difficult. This task is not for
the purpose of punishment. The purpose is to help the individual reclaim

his soul. If he has been sexually active, this will not be easy. That is why a
strong support network is necessary.

Dr. Christopher Austin uses a “Daily Rating Sheet” to assist his clients
in achieving healthy behaviors. Each day, the individual uses the sheet to

help him accomplish a variety of activities. Dr. Austin explains as follows:

I2I
 Daily Rating Sheet
Name Week of
Did you do your homework? Yes No
Rate yourself on a scale of one to ten each day on the following categories:
(One = needs serious work / Ten = did excellent)

Daily Work Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat Sun

No Caffeine
Eating Healthy
Sleep

Exercise

Prayer

Gratitude
Inspirational/Scripture Reading

Meditation
Visualization (of goals)

Journaling
Accountability/ Confession
Healthy Risk Taking
Emotionally Expressive
Openness
Honesty
Serving/Giving
Socially Connected
Recreation
Sexual Purity
Homosexual Arousal
Other

What have been your personal goal(s) for the week?

What has helped you the most this past week?

What have you learned about yourself this week that will aid in your recovery?

What have been your strengths this week?

© Dr. Christopher Austin, 1999

 THERAPEUTIC TOOLS AND TECHNIQUES

“The daily rating sheet is one tool to help bring change into your life

by reminding you to do the work of recovery throughout the week. Filling

it out helps you become accountable for the actual work you do day to
day. This is one of the most valuable tools you can use to bring about pos-
itive change in your life.

No Cajfeine. The goal is to cut out caffeine completely. Caffeine, even in

small amounts, can increase anxiety, anger, and fear, and accelerate the

number of dysfunctional thoughts. Drink water as a healthy replace-

ment. It is recommended that we drink between 64 and 128 ounces of
water per day. Water is a natural flush for the body, keeping the body
hydrated.

Eating Healthy. The goal is to eat to fuel and increase functioning of the
body. Unhealthy eating can cause your body to feel rundown, tired, or
sluggish, as well as increasing your body fat, which has been shown to

increase your risk of heart problems, stroke, or disease. It is recom-

mended that you eat five to six smaller, well-balanced meals per day. A
good resource is Lean Bodies, Total Fitness by Cliff Shears (1995, Sum-
mit Publishing Group, Arlington, TX). I recommend you eat at least

50 to 90 percent of your meals according to this plan.

Sleep. Make time available to get eight hours of sleep.

Exercise. The goal is to increase your body’s stamina, burn calories, and
cope with stress. I recommend doing aerobic exercise (walking, jog-
ging, aerobics, cycling, swimming, running) every day for thirty min-
utes and anaerobic exercise (weight lifting, muscle toning) at least two
times a week for thirty minutes.

Prayer. Prayer is your way of connecting with God. Requesting God into
your life is acknowledging your faith, trust, and hope that God can be
in control so you don’t have to be. Prayer is away to acknowledge your
thankfulness and express your concerns. I recommend at least five to
fifteen minutes daily.

Gratitude. The goal is to recognize the pleasant and pleasing things going
on in your life. Gratitudes help you create a sense of well-being and
contentment no matter what your circumstances. This is an effort for

you to notice the small things going right in your life.’ Examples: air in

tires, car starts, gas in tank, urinating, health, tasty food, beautiful land-

scapes, funny billboards, meaningful contact with people, beautiful

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music, comfortable furniture, job, friends, family members, pets. Even-

tually, the goal is to be grateful regardless of the circumstances. When
illness, death, or catastrophes strike and they always do, viewing them
as bad only enhances their life wrecking ability. See life’s inconveniences
as part of growth, which will teach you something valuable. Trials de-

velop courage, character, patience, endurance, and strength. I recom-

mend you do from fifty to five hundred gratitudes daily.

Inspirational!Scripture Reading. Receiving positive messages in our lives is

very important, even more so if negative messages were prevalent in

childhood. Inspirational reading is a way of receiving new messages
about your worth, hope for the future, goal setting, dealing with emo-
tions, or understanding your spiritual relationship. I recommend at

least five to fifteen minutes daily.

Meditation!Relaxation. Meditation is used for receiving God’s will through

quiet reflection. Meditation method of receiving new messages
is also a

about your worth. Progressive relaxation helps you manage stress levels
and lower anxiety about everyday life. I recommend at least five to fif-
teen minutes daily.

Visualization. You can’t go to a place you can’t see. Visualization will help
you become familiar with the outcome of goals before you achieve
them. Spend at least five minutes per day picturing positive outcomes
of reaching your recovery goals.

Journaling. A journal helps you process the raw emotion before you try it

out on another person. Refer to the journaling section in your treat-

ment program for tips on writing (see References for Dr. Austin’s book.
Cleaning Out the Closet). I recommend writing at least five to fifteen
minutes daily.

Accountability!Confession. Accountability/confession serves the purpose of

keeping you on the path of recovery. Try to talk to two or three friends
on a rotating basis, whether you are healthy or have been acting out
sexually. The purpose of two or more friends for accountability is to

avoid emotionally dependent relationships with only one person. Talk

to these people about how you are doing on this list.

Healthy Risk Taking. Fear limits our ability to enjoy life. Taking risks to

overcome fear is vital in being able to live life to the fullest. Do one
thing every day to challenge fear in your life.

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Emotionally Expressive. Openly expressing emotional responses is healthy.

This includes laughing out loud, crying, cheering out loud at sporting

events, or any expression of emotion.

Serving!Giving. Performing senseless random acts of kindness, helping or

giving to others, gets us out of ourselves. Loving your neighbor is the
second greatest commandment because it promotes spiritual well-being

and mental health. I recommend two to six acts of kindness daily.

Socially Connected. Talking to other people keeps us grounded and gives us

an opportunity to relate to others. Social connection means talking to

a person about the lighter things in life, e.g. ‘Did you catch any fish

last weekend?’ ‘How are you coming along on that project at work?’
This is a separate contact from the accountability partners. I recom-
mend one to two contacts daily.

Recreation. Time to wind down and take a break is vital. Hobbies or activ-
ities are a way of helping us cope with the stresses and pressures of life

and renew our physical and mental well-being. Daily participation in

recreation is crucial in developing the coping skills necessary to handle

what life dishes out. I recommend thirty to ninety minutes daily.

Sexual Purity. Each person sets his own bottom line of what sexual behavior
or thoughts are healthy and what sexual behavior or thoughts are out of
bounds. This rating is how well you maintained your bottom line.”

Additional Explanation of the Daily Rating Sheet

Developing healthy relationships is critical. The individual in recovery

needs to have at least four solid relationships with other men: 1) a men-
tor, an elder who can teach him the ways of men; 2) a fellow struggles
someone else on the journey towards healing; 3) a friend who is secure in
his gender identity, is supportive, and knows about his struggle; and 4) a
friend who is secure in his gender identity, is supportive, and unaware of
his struggle. With these and other men, he is accountable for his stated
goals. They stand by and around him in order to lend support and love. By
learning to be open and honest, deeper feelings, thoughts, and needs will

emerge and healing will ensue.

He also needs to be a Through giving, he ex-

giver, not just a receiver.

periences his own gifts to the community. He has been endowed with
many spiritual gifts from God. Learning about his gifts and sharing them
with others brings more positive energy and feedback into his life.

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Having fun and playing games is of equal importance to the other

parts of his healing program. Piaget, one of the great child psychologists,
stated that the developmental task of childhood is to play. When we lose

the ability to play, we lose our childlike nature. Also, in this fast-paced,

stressful world, it is critical to take time out and smell the roses, appreci-

ate the roses, and play with the roses.

Maintaining sexual purity is important for several reasons: 1) integrity

with one’s belief system; 2) not taking on the energy of the other person;
3) not inheriting sexually transmitted diseases; 4) not burying uncom-
fortable feelings through sex; and 5) learning to take care of self in a pos-
itive way. Self-sex or sex with others is most often used as a coverup for un-
resolved feelings and thoughts and unmet needs for intimacy. He needs to
learn to express himself honestly and openly with others and fulfill his af-

fectional needs in healthy same-sex relationships.

Homosexual arousal: This category monitors fantasies and physical re-

sponsiveness to other men. Here he learns the correlation between sexual

response and his internal state of being. This goes back to the HALT par-
adigm: Hungry, Amgry, Lonely, and/or Tired. Also, he may be attracted to
someone who has characteristics that he has disidentified with himself
Many man who experiences same-sex attractions is attracted to
times a
other men who have similar physical or personality characteristics. He
cannot recognize his own beauty and self-worth; therefore, he idolizes an-
other man in order to get back into his own body and soul. By practicing
this list of healthy behaviors, he will begin to experience his own sense of

well-being and self-worth, not needing another man to complete himself

Now the individual looks at all this long list of activities and says,

“Wow. No way. I’m already defeated before I begin. Too many things to
change. Too many things to do. Too many things to think about. Help! I’ll
never accomplish all of these things!” Yes, there are a lot of things to do
and create. And the best way to go about them is slowly and one at a time.
Benjamin Franklin made a list of characteristics he wanted to incorporate
into his character. He, too, was overwhelmed about the thought of ac-

complishing them all. So, he decided, I will prioritize and begin with the
most important characteristic. I will work on inheriting that personality
And he did. And when he had accomplished the first goal, he moved
trait.

on to the next. And so it is with this Daily Rating Sheet and healing. Begin
with a few tasks and gain success, rather than trying to accomplish every-
thing at once and failing miserably. Step by step, one by one, build a solid
foundation, and your house will stand strong.

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EMOTIONAL
• Building a good rapport

It is very important that the therapist, counselor, pastor, priest, rabbi, par-
ent, mentor, or helper develop a close and supportive relationship with the
individual in recovery. The homosexual condition represents unhealthy
attachment or extreme emotional detachment from either one or both
parents. A distant or aloof attitude by the helper will only exacerbate the
already-existing Same-Sex Attachment Disorder. Therefore, one needs to

be a good listener, paraphrase and mirror much of what he hears, and join
with the individual to see life through his eyes. Attributes of a good helper
include: compassion, patience, empathy, nonjudgmental attitude, encour-

aging, and quiet strength.

A man will best be served by a male therapist and a woman by a female
therapist. An opposite-gender therapist will best facilitate Stage Four work
(healing hetero-emotional wounds).

• Building a strong support network

Having given up old playgrounds, playmates, and playthings, it is very

important to replace them with healthy, healing, loving, and supporting
people, places, and things. The facilitator needs to assist the individual in
creating a new holding environment. Various components of the support
network listed in chapter 4 are helpful. This support system surrounds the
individual and provides the love, understanding, and accountability that
he needs in all stages of recovery Eventually, he will internalize the differ-

ent sources of love and support, developmentally inheriting that which he

did not accomplish in childhood and adolescence.
When Bruce came for help, he had completely isolated himself in his

struggle with homosexuality. We worked together for several months. Be-

fore continuing with his treatment, I insisted he investigate support groups
in his area, as he lived several hours from my office. For weeks, he dragged
his heels about doing this. Finally, I had to insist, “Unless you find a group
and begin to participate, I am afraid our work is finished. I cannot in good
conscience help you if you are unwilling to help yourself and let others help
you.” That sobered him up very quickly, and the next week he was in a

group! It was one of the most rewarding experiences of his life, as he found
other men who had suffered as he had. Some were far ahead, others far be-
hind, in their recovery. The important thing was that Bruce was finally sur-
rounding himself with fellow journeymen. He was no longer alone.

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PHYSICAL

• Exercise, sports, proper diet, and healthy, same-sex social activities

A big part of the homosexual condition is a poor self-image. Developing a

sense of physical well-being is very important in the process of recovery.
Therefore, the individual needs to exercise regularly, eat healthfully, and
get involved with same-sex group activities.

There may be a need for mentorship here, as he may have felt socially,

athletically, and physically inferior to others during his school years. Some
ex-gay ministries have developed sports teams, helping men heal past
sports wounds and find the joy and fun in playing together.

As a child, George always felt unable to compete with the other guys.
As an adult in his thirties, he He determined
felt athletically incompetent.
to overcome his fears and began to participate in neighborhood games. He

asked a few guys if they would be willing to coach him privately. He ex-
plained that he felt athletically challenged as a kid. They were happy to

help him. Today, George is one of the best players on his local team.

I recently counseled a fifty-year-old man who had carried a very heavy

burden since he was twelve. He thought that he had no eye-hand coordi-
nation, could not throw a ball, and therefore was less than the other boys
and less than a man. I paired him up with a friend of mine who was will-

ing to play ball with him. Within a few days, a new man was born. He
could throw a ball! He just needed some practice and a sympathetic man
to show him the ropes.
Another gentleman I shared with said even though he learned to throw
a ball with some confidence and skill, and even though his friends af-

firmed his abilities, deep down he still felt like a misfit. His mind knew he
was capable, but his heart was confused. So, what he did was have his

friends videotape the ballgame, and more specifically, focus on his playing.

Seeing that he really was competent made all the difference. His heart
then believed his mind.
Please prescribe a heavy dose of fun and play. This may be work for
many who have lived much of their lives in suffering and pain. It is impor-
tant in the healing process to balance both light and dark energies. Having
fun and learning to play with others is as important as inner healing work.

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SPIRITUAL

• Building self-worth

Clients use meditation tapes on a daily basis. Regular practice of medita-

tion helps center the individual and brings greater awareness mentally,
emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I have created several tapes that I

prescribe: 1) Affirmations and Commitment; 2) Meditations for healing

gender identity and developing inner awareness; 3) Inner-Child Healing;
and 4) Memory Healing. Making and fulfilling goals helps him increase
his self-esteem (see Resource Materials for tapes).
There are twelve major aspects in making goals:

1 . Have a clear and definite purpose. What do you want to achieve?

2. Make a simple plan. Your plan needs to be measurable and specific.

3. Keep it positive. If you find yourself hearing others say, “You cant,
you shouldn’t, you won’t,” then remove these people from your life.

You can. You will. You are destined to fulfill your purpose. If you
hear negative voices within saying, “You can’t, you won’t, you
shouldn’t,” and so on, listen to them, give them a voice, and em-
brace your doubts and fears. Do not suppress or repress your nega-
tive voices. Express them, embrace them, and then they will
eventually give you the support you want and need.
4. See it in the present. Speak about your purpose and plan as though
you have already accomplished it in the present. Imagine it, and you
will create this reality.

5. Fill it with passion. See, say, and sense passionately what it is like to

have fulfilled your purpose. Your inner soul, inner child, uncon-
scious will only respond to passion and strong emotions. What is

good about achieving this goal? What are the payoffs?

6. Know what you will give in return and leave behind for posterity.
What are your talents and gifts that you will bequest to future

generations?
7. Picture it. Visualize, picture the fulfillment of your purpose and
goal. Visualizing strengthens your will and reinforces your inner
soul to support the goal.
8. Practice it. Say, see, and sense your purpose and goal every day.

The two best times to do this are before getting out of bed in the
morning and before going to bed in the evening. At these times,
our unconscious is more open to autosuggestion. You may also

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repeat and practice saying, seeing, and sensing your goal several

times throughout the day. Write it down on a note card and put it

9. on the steering wheel of your car, your desk at work, the refrigera-
tor, or the mirror in your bathroom. Put it anyplace to remind you
of your goal and purpose.
Pray for it. Invoke heaven’s support for your purpose and plan. If

you think you can, you will, and you will attract like spiritual forces

to support your desire.

10. Enlist other people that you know and trust to support you in ful-

filling your purpose and plan. Be accountable to them. Ask them to

speak loving, affirming, and positive words to you
— “I know you
can. I believe in you. I love you. I trust you. You can. How is your
plan working? Are you repeating your goal on a daily basis and mak-
ing steps toward fulfilling it?”

1 1 . Praise. Have an attitude of gratitude. Find the gift in the wound. Be

grateful for each step gained.

12. Develop a simple phrase that captures the essence of your goal.

Here is one example from my life:

First: My purpose is to treat my wife more lovingly and stop criticizing

her.

Second: My plan is to visualize her inner child twice a day and say two pos-
itive things about her, to her, twice a day for the next forty days.

Third: I will keep a positive attitude about her, no matter what happens
or how many things she does that I do not like. I will surround myself
with people who tell me good things about her and stay away from
people who speak poorly of her.

Fourth: I will repeat my goal daily as though I have already accomplished

it in the present.

Fifth: I will speak passionately about this goal daily.

Sixth: I will leave my children and lineage, as my

behind a new pattern for
father constantly criticized my mother, my brother, my sister, and my-
self will change this negative pattern for my lineage/posterity.
I

Seventh: I will see myself saying positive things to my wife, and I will see

her as a little girl, picturing her wounds being healed and her unmet
needs being fulfilled.

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Eighth: I will practice saying my goal every morning and night and several
times throughout the day.

Ninth: I will pray for heaven’s support, to help me overcome my critical,

judgmental nature and support me in becoming a more loving, sup-

portive husband.

Tenth: I will enlist three people to call me a minimum of once a week to

see how I am doing, affirm my small victories, and speak words of love
and support.

Eleventh: I will give thanks and praise each day for the progress that I

make in fulfilling my goal.

Twelfth: I will then develop a simple phrase that captures the intention
and meaning of my goal. Here is my simple phrase: “By saying words
of love to my wife, Jae Sook, twice a day for forty days, I transform my-
self, my wife, and my lineage.”
This is an example of how to construct a goal. Use these twelve points,
practice them on a consistent basis, and you will accomplish anything
your heart desires. When making your simple sentence or phrase, be sure
not to use any not’s, cants, wonts, don’ts, or never’s. Do not use contrac-
tions or negative words. For example, do not say, “I will not say negative
things to my wife.” The unconscious only hears the verbs and nouns and
omits the modifiers. The unconscious will hear, “I will say negative things

to my wife.” Therefore, leave out contractions and not’s.

Often, I will make a tape for each client based upon his specific needs.

The tape will consist of affirmations and encouragement of specific goals

and behaviors. A good book on making affirmations is Words That Heal
by Douglas Bloch. Self-Sabotage by Martha Baldwin lists other good books
on this topic. It is also an excellent book about healing in general.

• Building value

I encourage each person to get involved with some kind of spiritual practice,
whatever his faith may be. Studies have shown that those who are involved

with spiritual practice heal quicker. Finding one’s value in relationship to a

loving God is more lasting and fulfilling than seeking brief sexual encoun-
ters. I also encourage those in recovery to seek a personal relationship with
God as their loving parent. True value comes from being, not doing. He
needs afFirmation on a daily basis for just being loved as a son of God.

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I immediately take the focus off of sexual identity —not being homo-
sexual, bisexual, or heterosexual. Disassociate from the problem and asso-

ciate with the solution. True identity is in being a child of God. This is

where lasting value remains. Encourage spirituality and value building.

Principles in Napoleon Hill’s classic. Think and Grow Rich, apply di-

rectly to the healing of homosexuality and other burdens of the heart. Just
change the goal of “growing rich” to “going straight.” Then you get,

“Think and Go Straight!” This book is available on cassette from the pub-
lisher. I suggest the client listen to this wonderful, timeless treasure and
others like it.

Therapeutic Tools and Techniques

Stage II: Grounding

Intellectual Cognitive Therapy

Communication Skills

Problem-Solving Techniques

Emotional Inner-Child (IC) Healing

Three Stages of Healing IC
Support Network

Physical Exercise/Diet/Sports/Fun/Bioenergetics/
Breathwork/Therapeutic Massage

Spiritual Building Self-Worth

Experiencing Value from God
Meditation/Prayer/ Affirmations/ Study/ Spiritual Community

© Richard Cohen, M.A., January 1999

Stage Two: Grounding

1 . Continuing with the support network
2. Continuing to build self-worth and experiencing value in relation-

ship with God

3. Building skills: assertiveness training, communication skills, and
problem-solving techniques
4. Inner-child healing: identifying thoughts, feelings, and needs

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INTELLECTUAL
• Cognitive Therapy —Understanding faulty thinking

“The greatest revolution in our generation is the discovery that human beings, by

changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their
”
lives.

—William James
Peter used to think he never fit in and was different from everyone else.

One issue he had throughout his school years was sharing at the lunch-
room table. Thus, as an adult he was ill-at-ease with fellow employees
when they lunched together. He convinced himself that he alone suffered
from this malady of feeling different and not fitting in. So, at a healing

homosexuality seminar, we took a poll: How many feel like a geek at the

lunchroom table? About 90 percent of those in the room raised their

hands. Ninety percent! Peter was stunned. He learned that he was not
alone and that many others shared his same fear of not belonging.
The person in recovery must understand how the mind works and the
many tricks it plays on him. Therefore, I use a heavy dose of cognitive
therapy. One of the best and simplest tools I have found is Dr. David
Burns’s workbook entitled Ten Days to Self-Esteem and its companion. The
Feeling Good Handbook. There are ten clear and simple lessons to learn. I
generally have the client do one lesson every two weeks, filling in the
workbook assignments and doing the supplemental reading from the
handbook. These are very good skills to eradicate cognitive distortions
and faulty and self-destructive ways of thinking that lead to bad moods
and depression.
I make sure he masters the art of the Daily Mood Log, a skill Burns
teaches to slay self-sabotage and poor self-esteem. Dr. Richard Carlson’s

books, Dont Sweat the Small Stuff and It’s All Small Stuff, continue where
Burns ends. Other useful books are The Search for Significance by Robert
S. McGee, and Reinventing Your Life by Dr. Jeffrey E. Young and Dr. Janet
S. Klosko.

• Learning communication skills

Being responsible for one’s thoughts, feelings, and needs is a very impor-
tant lesson to learn. Reclaiming personal power and the ability to repre-

sent oneself in the world is essential to mental and emotional well-being.

Therefore, I teach basic communication and assertiveness skills. In his

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Feeling Good Handbook, Dr. Burns dedicates the last third of his book to
communication skills. I have the client practice these skills, and I also give

him several of my handouts.

From Dr. Harville Flendrix, I use a threefold technique to teach the art
of reflective listening:

First: Mirror or paraphrase someone’s communication.

“If I heard you you said. ...” “Did I get it?” “Is there more?”
correctly,

“So, in summary, you said. ...” “Is that the essence?”

Second: Validate his thoughts.

“You make sense to me because. ...” “Is that the validation you need?”

Third: Empathize with his feelings.

“Given all that, I imagine you feel. ...” “Are those your feelings?”^

During reflective listening, the listener does not have to agree with what
the other person is sharing. The important thing is to hear and understand
him. Then the speaker will experience being validated and understood.
Most of the time, we do not need advice; we just need to be heard. Dur-
ing the reflective listening process, make sure not to interject one’s

thoughts or opinions. Wait for your turn after the speaker has completed
his sharing. Reflective listening is learning to walk in the other person’s
shoes, seeing life through his eyes.

Next, I teach a skill for negotiating needs:

First: Present the facts —what someone said or did that caused him to have
a strong reaction.

Second: Acknowledge feelings —he uses only feeling words (sad, mad,
glad, afraid, etc.).

Third: Identify judgments and beliefs he has about what the other person
said or did.

Fourth: State what needs, desires, or wishes he has of the other person.

Fifth: State what he is willing to give to make the relationship work.

Here is an example from a couple that I was recently counseling. The wife
had a need to share with her husband. Many times, she would initiate

conversations around 11:00 p.m., just as they got into bed. This irritated

him because he felt very tired and had to rise before 5:00 a.m. to get to

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work the next day. This was his communication: “When you want to

share with me late at night, I feel angry, hurt, upset, and frustrated. I think
you are not considering how tired I am and that I have to get up early to-
morrow morning. If you would like to share with me, I request that you
do so before 9:00 p.m. Iam willing to listen then and give you the time you
need because you are important to me and I love you.”
Do not make assumptions. Assumptions generally mislead. When I as-
sume anything, make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” Make a “reality
I

check” if you think someone is upset with you. Here is an example of a re-
ality check: “Were you angry with me when I saw you in the kitchen this

morning?” A reality check is asking about a belief or judgment that you

have about the other person. It helps objectify perceptions.
Do not expect others to know what you need. Expectations kill. We
need to learn to express our needs, rather than expect others to know what
we need (expecting them to mind-read) . Infants and toddlers expect care
because they are totally dependent upon the parent or caregiver for sur-
vival. As adults, we must learn to express that which we need rather than
assume or expect others to know what we want, need, or desire.
Another communication skill is the sandwich technique:

First: State how he feels about the relationship. “I really care about you.”
“I really love you.” “I value our relationship.”

Second: State the difficulty that he has with the individual. State what out-
come he would like to see. “Recently, you have been screaming at me
a lot. That hurts me deeply. I feel unloved, unimportant, and rejected.
I think you are under a lot of pressure, and Fm taking the blame for
your frustrations. I need you to deal with your feelings more responsi-
bly and not take them out on me. I am willing to help you in a posi-

tive way, but not be your punching bag.”

Third: State again how he feels about the relationship. “I love you and I

commit myself to our relationship.”

In this way, he sandwiches the problem with how he really thinks and feels

about the other person. It makes it easier for the other person to receive his
sharing. He must be responsible in all communication, using “I” statements
instead of “you” statements. He must take ownership for his thoughts, feel-
ings, and needs without blaming the other person.
I always teach that it is not the situation or person that upsets him. It is his

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unresolved wounds of the past that are being restimulated in the present that
cause him distress. Therefore, he must learn about his core issues, take care
of himself properly, and communicate in responsible ways.
Of course, there are many other communication skills; these are but a

few I use. The key is to learn responsible communication, sharing ones

thoughts, feelings, and needs, rather than blaming and accusing others
“I” statements rather than “you” statements.

• Teaching problem-solving techniques.

Some methods that I use are HALT, focusing, emotional map, and jour-
naling.

HALT
This is a useful technique to help the person in recovery deal with addic-
tive behaviors. If the adult-child feels like acting out, he can HALT, and
take this inventory: Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? If the person
acted out already, he can identify what led him into the behavior.

One day, Bryan’s boss was in a bad mood. He reprimanded Bryan

for handing in a report that he thought was incomplete. Bryan was
also having a hard time at home. He was married with several chil-

dren. His wife was calling out for attention, as she had many needs.
Bryan felt like a candle burning at both ends.
After leaving work, Bryan headed for an adult bookstore, found
a man in a nearby booth, and had sex. Afterwards, he felt terrible

and did not know why he had done such a thing. He had promised
God, himself, and his wife that he would not do this again.

Now, let me explain the use of HALT as a diagnostic tool for a sexual

addiction:

“H” is for Hungry.

When we do not eat properly (physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritu-

ally), we lose control of our Self (Self = higher self, true self, real self). Lust-
ing after another person is usually a message that the adult-child feels a sense
of low self-worth, looking at someone else to fill his emptiness. This may
come from feeling rejected or criticized, whether real or perceived, by a boss
at work, a parent at home, a close friend, a spouse, or a partner. In the case

of same-sex attractions, the adult-child envies in another what he feels lack-

ing in himself He hungers after another man to fill the pain or void.

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 THERAPEUTIC TOOLS AND TECHNIQUES
Bryan felt rejected by his boss and pressured by his wife. The void may
be filled with either healthy or unhealthy things. In Bryans case, he chose
the latter.

Another “H” is Happiness.

When he feels excited about something and tries to share that joy with
someone else, and if the other person does not respond or rejects his shar-
ing, he may feel rejected and immediately become depressed. Next, he
might head for the bedroom or bathroom to masturbate, or go out the
door to have sex. In this situation, masturbation is used as a means of
emotional medication to numb the hurt, pain, and disappointment.

“A” is for Angry.

Does the adult-child have upset feelings toward someone or some situation

that he has not expressed? Is he withholding frustration, anger, fear, or

guilt? If he has not expressed those feelings appropriately, then sexual de-
sires may emerge, almost magically, seeming to come from out of nowhere.
Bry^an felt angry with his boss for criticizing his work. He felt frus-

trated and unable to meet all his wife’s demands. He did not express or
deal with these feelings. Instead, he repressed them and used sex as a
means of escape, to numb his pain. Had Bryan taken care of those unex-
pressed feelings in healthy and appropriate ways, the sexual feelings would
have dissipated.

“L” is for Lonely.

Is the adult-child meeting his legitimate needs for intimacy in appropri-

ate, healthy, loving nonsexual relationships? Everyone has a need to love
and be loved. Isolation equals death. It separates us from the many possi-

bilities of giving and receiving love. Sexual desires will increase in propor-
tion to the loneliness one experiences. Everyone needs touch. Touching is

an important part of maintaining health. If a person does not fulfill basic

needs, then sex becomes a substitute for intimacy. The individual must
keep his love bucket filled. Otherwise, he will go on overdrive, dry up, and
use all kinds of unhealthy substitutes, like sex, to fill the void.
Bryan overworked and undernourished himself He was isolated from
family, friends, and God. He was running on empty.

1 iSTorlired.

Tiredness and stress cause the adult-child to revert to old ways of taking

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care of his needs, such as acting out sexually. The adult-child must come
to know himself, his assets, and his liabilities. He must learn to take care
of himself healthfully. If not, then he cannot genuinely love others, for
self-hatred works its way out. Living under too much stress may work for

some but be disastrous for others. Keeping the balance is important. Sex-
ual desires may seem to appear out of nowhere when someone is under
pressure. Sex will not solve the problems. Change of lifestyle or present
circumstances will. The adult-child is in charge of his life, no one else. He
must transform his life from victim to victor.

Bryan needed to share with his boss and wife about his situation, com-
municating his needs in a positive and assertive manner. He needed to re-

duce his stress level and build some quiet time into his schedule.

Another “T” is Transference.

If the adult-child is spiritually and emotionally sensitive, he may pick up

on someone elses vibrations, someone who is putting out a lot of sexual
energy. He may feel sexually drawn to or repulsed by another person and
have no idea why. It is important to help the adult-child develop healthy
boundaries, learning to separate me from thee. He will need to learn how
to discern what is his and what is theirs.

The HALT technique is a useful diagnostic tool to help the individual

learn about his triggers or sore spots and proper self-care.

Focusing
This is a very simple technique created by Dr. Eugene Gendlin. You can
read about it in his book entitled Focusing. This is a very effective tool to
help the individual get in touch with his deeper feelings. Gendlin teaches
a six-phase model:

1 . Clear the space, put aside other cares and worries, and focus on the
main issue.

2. Discover the felt sense within the body; identify where it is.

3. Give that felt sense a name or phrase, e.g., hurt, anger, pain, confusion.
4. Resonate the felt sense and the name to make sure they correlate;
then be with that feeling for a minute.
5. Ask the felt sense several questions to find the deeper truth: “What
is it about that hurts so much?” or “What is it about
that is so uncomfortable?” The mind will come up with many ra-

tional responses to the question or questions, but the real truth will

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come from deep within the body and soul, below the neck. Some-
times this takes quite a while to uncover. He will know when he has
found his deepest truth when he experiences an “Ah hah” response
from deep within his gut. After he discovers his truth, I have him
ask, “What do you need?” Then I have him create a visualization for

healing, or negotiate the fulfillment of specific needs with that part

of himself He must make good on all promises. Broken promises
further wound the soul and destroy trust. He must become a good
parent to his inner soul.
6. Thank the part of himself that spoke, honoring his truth. Be grateful.^

Kevin was sitting all alone in an office, waiting for an appointment.

The receptionist told him to wait until the person he came to see
had arrived. He waited and waited. Suddenly, he felt as if the walls
were caving in on him. He ran out of the room, forgetting about

the appointment altogether.

In the next session, we used focusing. I had him close his eyes

and put all cares and worries aside. I then asked him to locate where
in his body he felt the feeling he had experienced when the panic
began. After discovering that place in his gut and groin, I asked
him name or phrase. He came up with “fear”
to give that feeling a

and “dread.” Then, I asked him to resonate the felt sense in his
body and the feeling words to make sure they correlated. He did,
and they did. After a minute of having him sit with those sensa-
tions, I asked him to talk to those feelings and ask them, “What is

it about fear and dread that hurts so much or is so uncomfortable?”

I instructed him that his head would give many logical answers, but

the deeper truth was below his neck, lodged deep in his heart and
soul. After sitting silent for many minutes, Kevin began to panic,
shake, and cry intensely. He recalled being held down by a friend s
father when he was The man had locked the door, and
six years old.

Kevin was too small to unlock the latch. The man then sexually
abused him, performing every kind of sex act imaginable. After he
had had his way with Kevin, the man threatened to hurt him if he
ever told anyone about what happened. Kevin had buried this

memory for well over twenty years.

After that, memory healing allowed his inner child to grieve the
losses of innocence and childhood and then receive support. It was
a remarkable beginning in unraveling the connections that had

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kept him locked into compulsive homosexual acting-out behaviors.

It took many months of grieving and processing his thoughts and

feelings. Today, Kevin has healed those memories and has no more

need to act out sexually. Also, he learned how to create healthy

boundaries in relationships with others.

Focusing is a very effective tool to get in touch with deeper
thoughts, feelings, and needs. Not all focusing sessions are as po-
tent as Kevin’s was. However, it is a very useful technique to help

people get in touch with their bodies and their feelings, especially
if they tend to intellectualize.

Emotional Map
This is a skill developed by Dr. Barbara De Angelis. It is a very practical
tool in expressing feelings and creating intimacy. There are six stages to the

emotional map:

1. Anger
This is the phase of blame and resentment. “I hate it when you. . .
.”

“It makes me so mad that you. ...” “I’m fed up with you. ...”

2. Hurt
This is the phase of sadness and disappointment. “It hurts me that
you. ...” “I feel so sad when you. ...” “I felt so disappointed when
you. ...”

3. Fear
This is the phase of insecurity and wounds, when the individual rec-

ognizes his core issues that are being triggered by the event. “I am
afraid that you. ...” “It scares me when you. ...” “It reminds me
”
of . . .

4. Regret
This is the phase of understanding and taking responsibility. Here
the individual takes responsibility for projecting his fears and feel-
” ”
ings onto the other. “I am sorry that I. . . . “I did not mean to. . . .

”
“Please forgive me for. ...” “I know sometimes I. . . . “I under-
stand that you feel. ...”

5. Intention
This is the phase of solutions and wishes. “I want to. . . .

” ”
“I promise to. . . . “I hope that we can. ...” “Let’s try to. . . .

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 THERAPEUTIC TOOLS AND TECHNIQUES

6. Love
This is the phase of forgiveness and appreciation. “I love you be-
cause. ...” “Thank you for. ...” “I forgive you for. . . .

This is another model for bringing healing intrapersonally and interper-

sonally. One can practice this alone or with another person who agrees to
the process. Give equal time to each phase, not focusing solely on anger
and hurt and then shortchanging the other stages. This can be written or
spoken. You can read more about this method in Dr. John Gray’s book,
What You Can Heal He and Dr. Barbara DeAngelis developed
Feel You
this model together for the Los T^ngeles Personal Growth Center.

Journaling
This is an excellent method to assist the individual in identifying his
thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It will also stand as a record of his
healing journey. I encourage journaling on a regular basis as a means of
meditation and self-reflection. Also, through regular journaling, he will
come to understand what triggers unhealthy thinking and inappropriate
behavior(s). Journaling is a helpful tool for relapse prevention.

EMOTIONAL
• Inner-child healing

Here he begins the work of healing his inner child(ren). It is important to

introduce inner-child work in the later part of Stage Two to help the indi-

vidual get in touch with his deeper feelings and needs. A more intellectu-
ally inclined individual, living from the left brain and out of touch with
the right brain (body and emotional awareness), often does well to begin

with inner-child work before using the Burns workbooks and other cog-
nitive techniques.

The concept of the inner child is interchangeable with the unconscious.

The term inner child represents the accumulated experiences a person had
as a child. He can imagine himself as a toddler, an infant, a preschool child,

and a child in elementary, junior high, high school, and perhaps college.

During these stages of development, the child may have experienced many
wonderful and painful things. Feelings buried alive never die. Time does not
heal all wounds. Unless a person releases those feelings, they remain stuck
in the body and soul.

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“The Inner Child is a powerful presence. It dwells at the core of our

being. Imagine a healthy, happy toddler. As you picture this child in your
mind’s eye, sense its aliveness. With great enthusiasm, it constantly explores
the environment. It knows its feelings and expresses them openly. ... As
time goes on, the child runs head-on into the demands of the adult world.
The voice of grown-ups, with their own needs and wants, begins to drown
out the inner voice of feelings and instincts. In effect, parents and teachers
say, ‘Don’t trust yourself, don’t feel your feelings. Don’t say this, don’t ex-
press that. Do as we say, we know best.’

“With time, those very qualities that gave the child its aliveness

curiosity, spontaneity, ability to feel — are forced into hiding. . . . For survival’s

sake, the growing youngster sends its delightful child spirit underground and
locks it away. That Inner Child never grows up and never goes away. It re-

mains buried alive, waiting to be set free. . . . The Inner Child is constantly
trying to get our attention, but many of us have forgotten how to listen.”^

Every child needs to experience what I call the three Ts ofsuccessful par-
enting: Time, Touch, and Talk.

Mom and Dad, doing things together, sharing in ac-

Time: being with
tivities. Touch: being held, embraced, hugged, stroked, caressed by Mom

and Dad and other trusted family members. Talk: sharing with Mom and
Dad, being listened to, letting them know who you are, and finding out
who they are.^
From experiencing the three T’s of successful parenting, a child will
gain a sense of value, belonging, and competency. Value is an inner belief
that I matter, that I am special, valuable, and unique. Belonging is an
awareness of being wanted, accepted, cared for, enjoyed, and loved. Com-
petency is a feeling that I can do any task, cope with any situation, and
meet life without fear.^ From relationships with Mom, Dad, family mem-
bers, and influences from our faith, community, society, and culture, we
gain a sense of our value, belonging, and competency, or lack thereof
The path of growth from infancy to adulthood has various stages of
development. There are specific tasks to accomplish during each stage (see

the chart. Seven Stages of Development).

If basic needs for love, affection, appreciation, and instruction remain
unmet, and our wounds remain unhealed, they will prevent us from actu-
alizing our full potentials as adults. Same-sex attractions are merely a smoke
screen, a method by which the inner soul is desperately attempting to get the

attention of the adult self

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Seven Stages of Development

Stage Time Activity Needs Learns

1) Bonding 0-6/9 mos cries mirroring Being

Trust
Hope

2) Exploring 6/9mos— explores protection Doing

18/24 mos Self-Motivation
Will

3) Separation 18/24 mos- rebels acceptance/ Thinking

3 yrs limits Independence
Will

4) Socialization 3-5/6 yrs questions answers Identity

Power
Purpose
Cause-Effect

5) Latency 5/6- doing rules Skills

12/13 yrs arguing reasons Structure

Negotiation
Competence

6) Adolescence 12/13- all of the above in a Identity

18/21 yrs more mature form Sexuality
Separation
Autonomy

7) Adulthood 18/21- recycle through all stages Independence

in ways that support Interdependence
specific adult tasks Fidelity

Source: Jon and Laurie Weiss, Recovery from Codependency

Using a model from transactional analysis, we have three major parts of

our personality: the child, the parent, and the adult (see the chart. Struc-

ture of Our Inner Family). There are two sides of each subpersonality, or
ego state.

• Inner Child

We have a healthy, authentic, genuine, or true inner child full of wonder,

love, creativity, playfulness, magical thinking, and true spirituality. The

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Structure of Our Inner Family

Healthy/True/ Authentic Child

Wounded/Broken/Inherited Child
Feelings
Needs

Healthy/Loving Parents

Critical/Unloving Parents
Values
Ethics
Morals

Higher/True Self

False Self

Beliefs

© Richard Cohen, M.A., January 1999

shadow side is the wounded or broken inner child, who may experience
either pain, heartaches, guilt, shame, loneliness, fear, despair, hopeless-

ness, and/or misperceptions. The wounded inner child may be an accu-

mulation of our unresolved heartaches, our parents’ unresolved issues,

and/or those inherited from previous generations.

• Parent

There is the healthy, loving, nurturing inner parent that affirms, appreci-
ates, and accepts the inner child. The healthy parent uplifts, encourages,
and The shadow side, or dark side, is the critical,
praises the inner child.

unloving inner parent who may be either judgmental, critical, cold, con-
ditional, abusive, or neglectful of the inner child. The inner parental

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voices are an accumulation of introjections from parents, authority fig-

ures, religious figures, and cultural messages.

• Adult

There is the higher or true self, with understanding, problem-solving abil-

ities, unconditional love, forgiveness, connectedness, and a strong sense of

self-worth. The shadow side, or dark side, is the false self, the protective
armor, character defenses, coping strategies that we develop to protect the
wounded inner child. These are the masks we wear, the games we play,

that shield us from further pain.

Each of these subpersonalities has distinctive roles:

The inner child focuses on feelings and needs.

The parent focuses on values, ethics, and morals.
The adult focuses on thoughts and beliefs.

To change his life in the present, he needs to awaken, discover, recover,

and heal the wounded child and children within. He needs to bring into
consciousness that which has remained unconscious. He needs to quiet
the voice of his inner critical parent, and develop a loving, encouraging,

nurturing inner parent. Unless he brings into the light that which has
been in the darkness, those parts of him will continuously sabotage all

adult efforts to succeed and will create “dis-ease” in his present life. There-
fore, he needs to heal the unresolved wounds of the past.

To begin this process of healing, he must first learn to listen to the

voices of his inner family. Then he must distinguish who is speaking and
learn to satisfy the needs of his inner child in healthy and appropriate ways.
He may also need to discipline and set boundaries for his inner brat or his
inner tyrant who wants his way, the way he wants it, when he wants it.

Martha Baldwin describes this character as the Saboteur. “Ignoring the

Saboteur empowers it. Trying to get rid of it only teaches it to hide itself in

more clever ways. The only route to ending self-sabotage is through facing
and knowing the Saboteur intimately. Only then can you acknowledge its

destructiveness, accept its presence, learn to contain its power, and say no’
to its attempts to destroy your Only when you ignore and deny its
life. ex-

istence can the Saboteur do its deadly work secretly and successfully.”^

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• Three stages of healing the inner child

I have divided the process of healing the inner child into three stages.

Three Stages of Healing Your Inner Child

1. Self-Parenting
• Listen to thoughts, feelings, and needs.
• Be a good parent: time, touch, and talk.

• Healing behaviors.

2. Spiritual Parenting
• Prayer, meditation, study.
• Experience value as son/daughter of God.
• Healing of memories with spiritual mentors.

3. Mentoring
• Heal homo-emotional and hetero-emotional wounds.
• Mentoring relationships.
• Developing same-sex friendships and activities.

© Richard Cohen, M.A., January 1999

Stage One (Inner-Child Healing): Self-Parenting

The three tasks in Stage One are:

1 . Listen to thoughts, feelings, and needs

2. Be a good parent: time, touch, and talk

3. Healing behaviors

First, he must learn to listen to the voice of his inner child. Before he looks
to others to take care of his needs, he must first become a good parent to
himself. He needs to enhance and/or create a nurturing inner parent and
quiet the critic. Most of us desperately want acceptance. Acceptance be-
gins within, not from the world outside. First, he must learn to accept
himself before looking to others for acceptance. Otherwise, he determines
his well-being by how others think and feel about him, rather than how he
thinks and feels about himself World peace begins within, not outside.
To begin this work, I have all my clients use the workbook. Recovery of
Your Inner Child, by Dr. Lucia Capacchione. In this workbook, she helps
the individual identify different parts of the inner family — the vulnerable
child, angry child, nurturing parent, protective parent, critical parent.

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wounded child, playful, creative, and spiritual children. It is a very good

primer to begin inner-child recovery. The individual will need to do the
drawing and writing exercises. It is important to complete all the assign-
ments. It will be of tremendous benefit.
Other books that might be helpful are Healing the Child Within, by Dr.
Charles L. Whitfield; Self Parenting: The Complete Guide to Your Inner
Conversations, by John K. Pollard III; The Inner Child Workbook, by
Cathryn L. Taylor; and Recovery from Codependency: Ids Never Too Late to

Reclaim Your Childhood, by Dr. Laurie Weiss and Dr. Jonathan B. Weiss.

Russell struggled with homosexual thoughts, feelings, and desires

for over thirty years. He went to several therapists in his life.

Mostly, they helped him “manage” his desires, but never helped
him identify where they came from and then heal those wounds.
During his inner-child work of drawing and dialogue, he discov-
ered an angry, frustrated child hiding behind a compliant, “nice
boy” image. By accessing these feelings and allowing them to sur-
face, his homosexual desires began to diminish immediately. He
discovered that his homosexual behavior was masking an angry and
hurt child within.

Mark was over forty. He had tried just about every method to
change. Nothing took away his voracious appetite for men. During
his inner-child work, he discovered a horrific memory of being sex-
ually abused when he was about four years old. Until he had created
the time and space for his inner child to heal, this wound was not re-
vealed. Through deep grieving and mentoring, he released the pain

and replaced it with new experiences of healthy, masculine love.

Mark is now free from homosexual desires, since he found the key
to his treasure. Entering through the wound, he found his heart.

A brief note about False Memory Syndrome. (This is the condition

where one remembers abuse that did not, in fact, occur. Thus, the
memory is false.) I am very cautious not to suggest the presence of sex-
ual abuse with any of my clients. In Mark’s case, it came to the surface

on its own accord. In my healing, the memories emerged without my

therapist suggesting any possibility of abuse.

Second, spend time with his inner child, e.g., drawing, dialogue, medita-
tion. John Pollard’s book. Self Parenting, describes a simple and effective
method to dialogue with the inner child. With the dominant hand, he

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allows the voice of the parent to speak. With the nondominant hand, he
allows the voice of the child to speak. In this way, both voices communi-
cate and share with each other. It may sound bizarre, but it is very effec-
tive. The reason to draw or write with the nondominant hand is that it by-
passes the intellectual neurology and gets him in touch with his body and
feelings. He may divide the paper down the middle. On one side, he lets

the adult or parent voice speak and ask questions. On the other side, he al-
lows the voice of the inner child to speak and respond.
Meditation is another tool to access the inner child. I have developed
an audiotape called Healing Your Inner Child. I have my clients use this on
a regular basis. There are many other wonderful tapes on healing the inner
child. I suggest using inner-child meditations and other meditation/affir-
mation tapes at least once a day, and optimally, twice a day (upon rising
and before bed). If that seems like too much, I have him begin meditating
less frequently. He uses the tapes several times per week and then increases

until he builds up to a daily routine.

Third, create healing activities with his inner child, i.e., bike rides,
walks in the park, skating, and taking trips. Through dialogue, drawing,
and meditation, his inner child will reveal what he needs. It is important
to meet those needs in a timely and appropriate manner. He must never
make promises that he cannot keep. Consistency is the key to successful
parenting. He must keep his word. In this way, his inner child will begin
to trust him, and then reveal increasingly deeper truths.

Again, he needs to keep a balance between light and dark energies —go
into the well and play in the fields. Heal the wounds, and learn to enjoy life.

Stage Two (Inner-Child Healing): Spiritual Parenting

The three tasks of Stage Two are:

1 . Prayer, meditation, and study

2. Experience value as a son or daughter of God
3. Healing of memories with spiritual mentors

First, through prayer, meditation, and study, the individual may get in
touch with the wounds and needs of his inner child/children.
Second, he may use affirmations on a daily basis to recreate his inner
child’s sense of self-worth. I have my clients use affirmation audiotapes,

either custom-made (ones that I have made or they have made for them-
selves) or those of other healers. The important thing is to continuously
reprogram the mind, heart, and soul to believe in oneself as a precious

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child of God. “Autosuggestion is the agency of control through which an

individual may voluntarily feed his subconscious mind on thoughts of a
creative nature, or, by neglect, permit thoughts of a destructive nature to

find their way into this rich garden of the mind. . . . Repetition ofajfirma-
tion of orders to your subconscious mind is the only known method of volun-
tary developmentof the emotion offaith.
The third task is the use of memory healing. Through creative visual-

ization, the individual will age-regress to painful memories and there

imagine his inner child being mentored. A spiritual mentor may be a reli-
gious figure, an idealized parent, a trusted friend, a loved one, or one’s
own parent(s) in an idealized form. For this, I also developed a meditation
tape called Memory Healing.
If the individual is ready to retrieve and release the past, this is a very
effective tool for healing. Please note that if the memory is one of severe
trauma, the individual must heal those wounds in the presence of another.

There needs to be, as noted psychiatrist Alice Miller calls it, a “sympa-
thetic witness,” someone to be there through the pain and process of heal-
ing, and perhaps to hold and nurture the individual if necessary.

Memory healing may also be used to create wonderful and happy ex-
periences. The spiritual mentor may engage his inner child in fun, learn-

ing, and nurturing activities, thus fulfilling his deepest unmet needs. The
spiritual mentor may play ball, go fishing, take a walk, or hold the indi-
vidual’s inner child.

Stage Three (Inner-Child Healing): Mentoring

The three tasks of Stage Three are:

1 . Healing homo-emotional and hetero-emotional wounds

2. Mentoring relationships
3. Developing same-sex friendships and activities

First, after the individual has gained a greater sense of self-worth, self-

knowledge and self-parenting, he may reach out and have others assist in

the process of healing homo-emotional and hetero-emotional wounds.

The first and best choice is his own mom and dad. If the parent or parents

are available and willing, I begin working with the entire family. I recom-
mend the client invite his mom, dad, and siblings in for a marathon ses-
sion. This generally lasts for many hours, depending upon how large the

family is and how many unresolved issues remain between them. I use Dr.
Martha Welch’s model of Attachment/Holding Therapy, which you can

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read about in her book, Holding TimCy and hear more about on her au-
diotape or videotape series. I will speak more about this process of hold-
ing in Stage Three of recovery. Here the parents and child begin to resolve
their attachment strains. It is a very deep and rewarding process for all in-

volved. Working directly with the parents will save the individual years of

time in therapy.
Second, if the parents are deceased, unwilling, or unable to participate,
I encourage the individual find mentors to assist in the process of healing.
If he belongs to a church, synagogue, or spiritual organization, it is good
to seek mentors from this supportive community. The point is to find
mentors who act as the loving and supportive mom or dad that he never
experienced. Successfully married people make the best mentors. You can
read more about this in chapter 12 on mentoring. There I list the roles and
responsibilities of both the mentor and the adult-child.
The individual will heal wounds and fulfill unmet needs in the context

of such a loving, committed relationship. I envision the elders of our com-

munities, whose children have grown up and left home, being wonderful
mentors to these individuals who desperately need parenting. It is a win-
win situation for all involved. The young receive blessing from the elders,

and the elders receive their rightful position in our culture, being re-

spected for their wisdom and love.

Third, it is very important to encourage the individual to build healthy

same-sex friendships. This, too, provides opportunities for healing. Again,
the types of friendships are: I) fellow strugglers; 2) secure heterosexuals who
know about his struggle and are supportive; and 3) secure heterosexuals who
do not know about his struggle and are good role models and friends.

• Voice Dialogue

Voice dialogue is a tool that can be used to explore the unconscious and its

relationship to our conscious self Voice dialogue helps us understand and

retrieve those lost parts of our character. Many subpersonalities live within
each of us. Each one of these characters has an important task. Each one
has its purpose. By accessing these subpersonalities, we gain greater un-
derstanding and peace. Then our higher self will stand in its rightful posi-

tion as the CEO, learning to listen and validate each part of our character.
It does not mean that we must act upon each voice; it simply means that
we give a voice to each part.
You can read more about voice dialogue in Embracing Our Selves, by Drs.
Hal and Sidra Stone, the creators of this technique. When'someone is “stuck”

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and cannot progress in his healing work, this is a great vehicle to create move-
ment, understanding, and breakthrough. I have found it quite ejffective with
many who are more analytical and out of touch with their feelings.
Some of our subpersonalities include the protector, pusher, pleaser,

rebel, loner, martyr, performer, showoff, caretaker, victim, complainer,

creater, teaser, and vulnerable child. (See the diagram. Layers of our Per-
sonality, “False Self,” in chapter 4.)

I was counseling Sam, who compulsively logged onto the Internet

to view male pornography. He emotionally flagellated himself for
these moments of weakness. Rather than continuing to beat himself
up, I suggested that he explore the meaning behind his desire (s) to
look at male nudes. We used voice dialogue, which was extremely
revealing of his inner needs. Here are Sams words about the session:
“He [Richard] had me explore my Internet viewing via feelings
in my body. First, from the chest, came Strength. I took the posture
of a posing bodybuilder. Strength didn’t want me to look at the

[Inter] net. He felt it was a waste of time because I have what I look
at in them. His desire for me was to listen to him 100 percent of the
time instead of 85 percent of the time.
“Second came Fear from the stomach. Fear wanted me to look

at the Net. He feels power in forcing the naked men to do his will.

He said it was like having a powerful animal in a cage in front of me

with all the thrill of its power, yet completely safe. Fear wants me to
look in order to make them do my will.
“Third came Power/Anger. I named him John. [Often, during a
voice-dialogue session, I will ask the client if he would like to name
the particular subpersonality.] He came from the groin, not the
penis so much. John also wants me to look at the Net, to see that

they have nothing more than me! John came into Sammy’s life at age
thirteen. [Sammy was Sam’s nickname as a kid.] Sammy was afraid
and hid him in the back closet. Sammy wanted to be Mommy’s boy
or girl, as long as I was hers. As long as John was there, he was a
threat to that relationship. So, John hid. Sammy both feared John
and squashed him, and then blamed John because Sammy didn’t

feel manly enough. He couldn’t have it both ways. Either he would

grow up to be a man or he wouldn’t! Thank God, Mom eventually
said that Billy was her favorite and broke the unspoken agreement,
setting Sammy free. [Billy was Sam’s younger brother.]

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“Richard said I need to listen to all three of them. If I look at the

Net, I should change seats and let each of them speak.

“Lord, thank you for an excellent session. I need to let all three
of these guys live appropriately within me. I must let You set me
free and strike a balance in all this.”

As you can see, each of Sam’s subpersonalities had a different reason for
watching the naked men. By allowing each voice to speak his truth, Sam
was able to be a good parent to his inner family. He shared at subsequent
sessions that his desire to look at male nudes on the Internet had virtually

disappeared, now that he understood what had been driving his desires.

Voice dialogue helps bring greater awareness to the healthy adult and
parent selves so that he can make better choices in his life. Again, through
accessing feelings in his body, he is able to get in touch with various sub-
personalities. Focusing is a process of internal exploration. Voice dialogue
is a process of internal exploration through externalizing those inner
voices. Both are highly effective.

PHYSICAL

• Bioenergetics

I use Bio energetics, as taught by Alexander Lowen, and Core Energetics, as

taught by John Pierrakos. You can read about these techniques in their
books of the same names. Both of these men worked with Wilhelm Reich
and developed their own styles of body-centered therapy.
The main reason I like to use these methods is to help the individual

get in touch with his power. I have found that the homosexually oriented
individual has repressed or suppressed a tremendous amount of anger. Be-
cause I have found the emotion of anger so important in the healing
process, I will devote chapter 8 to this subject.

Through bioenergetic and core energetic exercises, the individual may

access anger, fear, pain, and other repressed emotions. With different

bioenergetic exercises, twenty-year-old Christopher had a flashback of

being sexually abused when he was seven. All those years, he blocked this
memory from his conscious mind. Through bioenergetics, he was able to
access that memory. The reason is this: There is a repository of unexpressed
emotions locked deep in the musculature of the body. Old feelings and old
thoughts that we buried long ago still exist in the cellular structure of our
bodies. We can retrieve memories of early infancy, childhood, and adoles-

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 THERAPEUTIC TOOLS AND TECHNIQUES

cence through bioenergetic or core energetic exercises. Christopher hit

pounding pillows with a tennis racquet and sometimes with his fists. Dur-
ing the session, the memories came flooding back, and the healing began.
I have constructed a special set of cushions for pounding. They stand
almost waist-high. I cover them with a sheet and I give my clients exercise
gloves to protect their hands. (Many got blisters before the use of gloves
because they had pounded so hard, releasing years of pentup anger and
pain.) Then I give them a tennis racquet to hit the pillows. I tell them to

imagine the person who hurt them is standing on the opposite side of the
pillows. Then I commission them to release their anger and pain. It is im-
portant to have them verbalize while they express their thoughts and feel-

ings. (See photos on page 176.)

Proper breathing is important in order for this process to be effective.

Deep belly breaths help support the release of pent-up emotions (di-

aphragmatic breathing). Sometimes they do not know what to say to the

person, or they are afraid to speak their truth. I have them start by saying
the persons name repeatedly until some thoughts or feelings emerge. For
example, if ifs a father issue, I have them say, “Dad,” “Dad,” “Dad,”
“Dad,” over and over, using proper diaphragmatic breathing. The indi-

vidual needs to speak the word or words that he used when addressing his
father as a child, i.e.. Dad, Father, Daddy, Padre, etc. It is important to
have him speak in his native tongue, even if he is living in a foreign coun-
try and is fluent in that language. This is because we store past memories
in the original language of childhood. I will further detail the use of bioen-
ergetics in chapter 8.

A word of caution for those with chronic anger problems: The use of
bioenergetics is contraindicated in this situation. Ffe will need to learn al-

ternative ways to get beneath the mask of anger and deal directly with his
wounds and loss of self-worth.

• Breathwork

With deep breathing, the individual may access many past memories and
remove emotional blocks. Deep breathing brings light into the dark areas
of our psyche. I have found the technique of transformational breath to be
extremely helpful and revealing. I have used this tool both in individual
and group sessions. The group I led for the past six years enjoys this tech-

nique very much because it allows each one to enter into his own space
and discover, in the safety of the group, hidden places that need healing.

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 HEALING

A breath session generally lasts about an hour and could easily go for sev-
eral hours. First, we establish a consistent pattern, breathing into the belly,

inhaling and exhaling both through the mouth. The pattern of breathing is

one beat in (one second) and two beats out (two seconds). This is done for

about forty-five minutes. The natural body rhythm seems to determine how
long the process will last. One might think that it is impossible to sustain
deep breathing for that length of time. However, after the first 10 minutes
or so, the body takes over and it becomes quite a natural process.

I have seen people make incredible breakthroughs by using this breath-

ing technique. It is very important to find a qualified facilitator to lead

others through such an experience. One must not try this on his own at

first, as he may access areas that need professional assistance. (Rebirthing

is a similar technique.)

• Exercise, Sports, Diet, and Fun

It is important to reclaim the body. Having a poor self-image is an integral

part of the homosexual condition. Encouraging individuals to participate

in sports and exercise is another important part of healing and growth. He

may need male mentors to teach him athletic skills. She may need female
mentors to assist her in reclaiming her femininity.

• Therapeutic Massage

Healthy touch is very important and necessary, not just for those healing
out of homosexuality, but for every man, woman, and child. I know that
through healthy touch we will improve our emotional, mental, physical,
and spiritual well-being. Alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual abuse, sexual
addictions, gambling, workaholism, shopaholism, sports addictions, and
the like will end when we learn to touch in healthy and appropriate ways.
I will talk more about this in chapter 10.
If the individual in recovery has experienced any sexual or physical
abuse or severe neglect, then healthy massage therapy will accelerate the
healing process. However, it is critical to find a massage therapist who is

safe, has experience with survivors of abuse and neglect, and is secure in
his heterosexual identity.

SPIRITUAL
Using affirmations, meditations, prayer, and study will enhance spiritual de-

velopment. I encourage the participation in any spiritual community that is

a safe place for the individual to experience God and the love of others.

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 THERAPEUTIC TOOLS AND TECHNIQUES

He needs to learn to be content with what he has and who he is right

now, rather than what he will get or who he will become in the future.
Learning to be content and accept himself now is a very important lesson
to learn and He must develop an attitude of gratitude. There is a
practice.

tendency of these SSAD men and women to feel discouraged and/or de-
pressed. For this reason, each man and woman in recovery needs to prac-
tice speaking at least fifty or more “gratitudes” per day.

Therapeutic Tools and Techniques

Stage III: Healing Homo-Emotional Wounds
Intellectual Understanding Root Causes of Homo-Emotional
Wounds

Emotional Grieving/Forgiving/Taking Responsibility

Techniques: Memory Healing/Voice Dialogue/Role-Play/
Psychodrama/Holding/Mentoring/Inner Child

Support Network

Physical Exercise/Diet/Sports/Fuh/Bioenergetics/
Breathwork/Therapeutic Massage

Spiritual Building Self-Worth

Experiencing Value from God
Meditation/Prayer/Affirmations/ Study/ Spiritual Community

© Richard Cohen, M.A., January 1999

Stage Three: Healing Homo-Emotional Wounds

1 . Continuing all tasks of Stage Two

2. Discovering the root causes of homo-emotional wounds
3. Beginning the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking responsibility
4. Developing healthy, healing same-sex relationships

In this phase, he begins the psychodynamic or emotional work of recovery.

INTELLECTUAL
It is very important for the individual to understand the basic root causes
that created his same-sex attractions. First, a man must address the
wounding he experienced with his father, brother(s), and any other close

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male figures that may have influenced his growth and development. The
woman must address the wounding with her mother, sister(s), and any
other close female figures that may have influenced her growth and devel-
opment. It will also be necessary to address peer wounds, body-image
wounds, [homo] sexual abuse, and other painful experiences from infancy
through adolescence.
If there is still an unawareness about the root causes of homo-emotional
wounds, the individual must read books on the etiology of same-sex
attractions.

EMOTIONAL
I use a wide variety of methods for healing the heart: Voice Dialogue,

Gestalt Therapy, Breathing, Role-Play, Psychodrama, Mentoring, Memory

Healing, Inner-Child Healing, Attachment/Holding Therapy, Transac-
tional Analysis, Family Constellations, Bioenergetics, and Core Energetics.
The important task is to feel it in order to heal it, grieving the wounds
of the present and past. The quickest and most effective way to heal is to

deal directly with the source whenever possible. For this, I strongly rec-
ommend working with the parents, no matter how old they and their

adult-child may be. From eight to eighty, it is never too late to heal and
grow. God has built into each one of us the ability to completely heal and
recover at any time. Simply put, this is called the process ofgrieving. If you

watch a child when he gets hurt, he will scream and cry and let you know
how he feels. After releasing his pain, he wants comfort and a kiss, and
then he is on his way to play. That is the long and short of it, how every
person is meant to deal with pain.

The problem with adolescents and adult-children is that they have

learned to shut down, close up, and numb out. They have learned many ways
how not to feel and deal directly with their feelings, thoughts, and needs.
I will briefly describe a few of the methods I use.

• Attachment/Holding Therapy

In the process of recovery, it is essential to heal at the source of the pain. If

the parents are living and willing, please encourage the healing to take
place within the family system. Attachment/Holding Therapy, as taught
by Dr. Welch, is a wonderful model to bring intimacy and attachment be-
tween parents and children. My wife, three children, and I have been
using this in our family. It works wonders, helping to resolve longstanding

conflicts, buried hurts from the past, and simple arguments in the present.

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 THERAPEUTIC TOOLS AND TECHNIQUES

Through physical touch and holding, the child and parent are safe to ex-

press deeper feelings. Through touch, we create a safe container. (It is im-
portant to note that holding therapy is not advisable for unsafe families
where there is violence, addictions, or abuse.)
I have done holding with my parents, and in a matter of hours we
healed years of buried anger, hurt, pain, and misperceptions. I am con-
stantly amazed how the individual who developed same-sex attractions has

misperceived or misinterpreted many of his parents’ actions and words.

Therefore, in the process of healing the parent-child relationship, the
adult-child will need to first discharge his anger and pain. After he does
this, then the parent or caregiver may share his or her perspective of what
occurred. The child is then open to receive the parents’ love and truth.

I worked with sixteen-year-old Jared for a short while before invit-

ing his parents in for a holding session. Jared fantasized nightly
about being held by men and having sexual relations with them.
When his dad held him, he wanted to run away and went cold.
Jared had so many stored-up “angries” toward his dad, and there-
fore was unable to receive his father’s love. Jared’s dad was a gen-
uine, caring, and loving father. For many reasons, Jared had cut off
emotionally from his dad. One main reason was this: When Jared
was in elementary school, his dad worked very hard and traveled a
lot for business. Jared missed his father so much, and so did his
mom. In her frustration, when her husband was away, she would
often lose her temper and get angry with Jared and his siblings.

A quick aside: One thing I have observed about most men I have coun-
seled is that they have a more sensitive nature than other males. If there is

a biological factor for those who experience same-sex attractions, it is with

this sensitive nature. Consequently, they take things to heart more deeply
than other kids and cannot let things go. Instead of coming out with the
goods (their deeper thoughts, feelings, and needs), they keep it bottled up
inside and then cut off, unbeknownst to the parents.

So, Jared missed his father and feared his mother. Then an inter-

esting phenomenon occurred. He unconsciously blamed his dad

for not being there to protect him from his mother’s outbursts.

Jared secretly held onto his feelings of blame and hurt toward his
dad. Throughout this time, his father continued to play an active
role in his life by reading him stories at night and doing all kinds

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of activities with him by day. The feelings of blame and anger were
buried deep in Jared’s unconscious.
When Jared entered puberty, he started to experiment sexually
with other boys. Through the Internet, he accessed male pornogra-
phy and thus began his active fantasy life. Having internally cut ties

with his dad and not wanting to receive his hugs and kisses, Jared
began masturbating several times a day.
Another important influence was that Jared’s father forbade

him to express his anger. When Jared’s dad was a little boy, he, too,
was not permitted to express his anger at home. Therefore, he
passed on to Jared a part of his disowned character, the repressed
angry boy (Exodus 34:7). Beneath the repression of Jared’s anger
were his hurt feelings. Underneath them were the warm feelings he
had had for his dad. So, to access the love, first he had to discharge
the anger and pain.
Through holding with his dad, the anger began to emerge.
With Dad holding on tightly, Jared began to reconnect with all the
reasons that he learned not to trust his father. “I needed you and
you weren’t “Where were you when Mom was screaming at
there.”

us?” And on he went through his list of grievances. His father had
absolutely no idea how hurt Jared was all those times he was away.
He grieved about his son’s aches and pains, and then apologized in

tears. Jared’s heart began to melt. After several sessions of Jared ex-
pressing his anger and pain, while being held by both Mom and
Dad, he began to reattach to both his parents.

After that, quite naturally, his homosexual desires were assuaged

as he came into his full identity as a son and young man, no longer
disconnected from his deeper feelings and from his parents. For
truly, the homosexual condition is simply a form of psychological
and spiritual detachment from self and others.

Harvey Jackins, founder of Re-evaluation Counseling, explains so simply

and clearly about this process of healing. First, we need to revisit the
painful experience. Second, we need to discharge the emotional pain and
unpleasant thoughts we experienced at that time. Third, we come to un-
derstand what really happened and then process that information into our
conscious mind.^®
Attachment/Holding Therapy with family members is the quickest
route home. If this is not possible for whatever reason(s), then I use such

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methods as memory healing, role-play, bioenergetics, psychodrama, voice

dialogue, and breathing to help the individual get back in touch with the
wounds and release the pain.

Dr. Jane Myers Drew’s book. Where Were You When I Needed You Dad?
contains more than fifty exercises to help in the process of recovery. All the
exercises contained in her book are useful in healing other relationships,

e.g., mother, stepparent, sibling, and grandparent.

• Memory Healing

Memory healing is a process of going back to the painful event, reexperi-

encing the thoughts and feelings, discharging the pain, and creating a
mentor to help reframe the event, this time with a positive outcome. The
mentor may be a spiritual figure, a trusted parent, a loving friend, or the
individual himself as an adult. I have a meditation tape that details the
memory healing process. As mentioned previously, the individual must
heal the deepest wounds in the presence of a sympathetic witness. What
was created in an unhealthy relationship must be healed within the con-
text of a healthy, loving relationship. Some books that I have found useful
on memory healing The Broken Image, by Leanne Payne; Healing of
are

Memories and Healing for Damaged Emotions, by David Seamands; The

Gift ofInner Healing, by Ruth Carter Stapleton (out of print but available

at the library); and Making Peace with Your Inner Child, by Rita Bennett.
(One may participate in Leanne Payne’s Healing Prayer seminars to expe-

rience the healing of memories.)

• Role-Play

Through role-play, someone else plays the part of the person who created
the pain or whom he perceived as creating the pain. The individual gets to
share all of his thoughts and feelings, those kept hidden for so long. He
can scream, cry, and release as necessary without physically hurting him-
self, the other person, or the furniture!

• Bioenergetics

If the rage is strong, he may need to do some bioenergetic work. Generally

speaking, women bury their anger beneath their tears, and men bury their

tears beneath their anger. However, a man detached from his gender iden-
tity may store anger much like a woman, under his tears.
This is a very liberating, healing, and safe way for people to release their

anger and pain. For many, it is very frightening to express anger. Perhaps

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their parents forbade their anger. Perhaps a sibling or parent was the owner
of anger, and in response the individual became the good little boy or girl.

• Psychodrama

In our support group, we may create a psychodrama, reenacting a past

event that symbolizes the painful relationships and experiences. Different
members of the group act out the parts of the parents, siblings, or whoever
took part in the event. Then the client gets to reexperience his feelings and
thoughts. He may have someone else play himself so that he might watch
the drama unfold. Many times, this is very provoking. Another way to

help access feelings and thoughts is by having the client play all the differ-

ent roles: He plays his father, mother, siblings, and others, acting and
speaking as he imagines they would. In this way, he gets to feel/think what
the others might have experienced.

• Family Constellations

Bert Hellinger’s work is instrumental in healing generational wounds that

affect present-day situations. He has observed many unseen factors that

have influenced the family system, e.g., former lover, war experience,
aborted child, extramarital affair, theft, murder. By constructing a family
constellation in a group situation, the individual in recovery may experi-
ence great insight and relief from these hidden influences that have im-
pacted his life.

Neil always felt as if he did not belong in his family. He thought he

was adopted, even though he resembled his father and mother. In
his family constellation, he set up his mother, father, two brothers,
his father’s first wife, his mother’s dead former lover, and his father’s

war victims and buddies from World War II. His father had served
in the army and had killed many people during the war. He had
also lost many of his fellow soldiers. By seeing and participating in
the constellation, Neil realized that he had taken on the energy of
the dead soldiers and war victims. He thought his father loved

them more than himself; therefore, he would become like them

and willed himself to die. In this way, he would finally obtain his

father’s love. In the constellation, the father figure was instructed to

tell Neil, “I want you to live. I love you now.” When he spoke these
words, Neil’s heart opened to his father, and he grieved in his dad’s
arms. At last he realized that he did belong.

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• Mentoring

Mentoring is an important method of restoring love, especially if the par-

ents are deceased, unavailable, incapable, and/or unwilling to participate.

Mentors are invaluable to help men heal the father wound and to help

women heal the mother wound. The unmet needs and wounds of the past
heal more quickly with the assistance of a same-sex role model. Through
these mentoring relationships, same-sex attractions wane when the pain is

felt and the wounds are healed. I experienced this, and so have the nu-
merous men and women that I have counseled.

Norm came to me ready to die. He had been having anonymous sex

with men in parks and restrooms for over fifteen years. Having
sought counseling from previous therapists, he was ready to call it

quits. The pain was too much. Norm had already accomplished
Stage One and Stage Two work in therapy. However, his previous

therapists did not understand about Stage Three and Stage Four dy-
namics of recovery. They had used cognitive and behavioral ap-
proaches, but did not understand the deeper origins of his wounds
and the need for emotional reprocessing. Through memory healing,
I took Norm back to the events that created his homo-emotional
wounds: painful memories with his dad and brother and sexual
abuse by several men. A boy who has a deep father wound is very
susceptible to sexual abuse, as this becomes a substitute for his fa-

ther’s love. The root of homosexual pursuit as a teen and adult is in

the need for the lost or never-obtained father’s love. The individual
repeats behavior from previous conditioning, whereby sex becomes
a substitute for love.
Norm grieved years of tears as he reexperienced the memories of
abuse. Since his father had passed away, I had a mentor hold him
during this session. In those moments of grieving and receiving
love. Norm’s homosexual feelings were lifted and never returned.
The sexual desires connect neurologically to the painful experi-
ences of the past. Once he retrieved the memories and released the

feelings, the sexual desires waned. They were unnecessary because

his inner child was heard and healed.

Christian, whose story you read in the previous chapter, came to me

at the point of almost divorcing his wife of twenty years. He had
been to many therapists. They told him to accept his homosexuality

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as a God-given condition. He was ready to throw in the towel and

leave his wife and kids. Through accessing the original wounds
(anger and hurt toward Mom, missing an absent father, and sexual
abuse by a neighbor), he was able to let go of the homosexual de-
sires. He finally experienced freedom from the “aching that was in
my gut” since he was We used bioenergetics, memory heal-
a child.

ing, psychodrama, and mentoring. Now he and his wife are very
close, and today he is a free man.

I believe in total healing, not just a Band-aid method or a spiritual starva-

tion diet because the desires are “wrong.” I know that the desires are con-
nected to painful memories. They are not gay, nor bad, but SSAD. Once a

person accesses and relieves those memories, the homosexual desires will
naturally dissipate. He will experience true gender identity when the walls
surrounding his heart are removed.
Once a person releases the emotions, three tasks are important to achieve:
1) emotional makeup work; 2) mental reprocessing; and 3) behavioral
changes.
Emotionally, he may need more time with parents or mentors to receive
the healthy touch and bonding that he missed. He will also need to do
makeup work for developmental tasks yet unaccomplished. Therefore, being
with same-sex friends and mentors will initiate him into the ways of men.
Mentally, the brain needs reprogramming. Healthy thinking, assertive
behavior, and good communication skills replace years of faulty thinking,
immature behavior, and poor communication.
He must unlearn bad habits. Dr. Harville Hendrix found that emo-
tional breakthroughs were insufficient to create lasting change. An individ-
ual must also make behavioral changes. “Insight into childhood wounds is

a critical element in therapy, but it is not enough. People also need to learn
how to let go of counterproductive behaviors and replace them with more
effective ones.”’^ It takes months of vigilant effort to change a habit. Old
behaviors, such as running away from problems and throwing temper
tantrums, will not disappear overnight. Love and limits, learning proper
boundaries, will be most important to fill in developmental gaps.
Ifs important to reiterate that emotional healing alone will not work.
Mental and behavioral changes must also take place. This is another piece
of the puzzle, reprogramming the mind and creating healthy habits. “Any
significant long-term change requires long-term practice, whether that

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change has to do with learning to play the violin or learning to be a more

open, loving person. Here the work of Dr. Christopher Austin and oth-
ers is very helpful. If parents are participating, they can coach and disci-
pline their son or daughter in the renewal of the mind, body, and spirit. If

the parents are not present, then the mentors, counselor, spiritual leader,
and others may assist.

PHYSICAL
Maintain proper exercise, sports, diet, and fun. Therapeutic bodywork
with a qualified therapist is also helpful.

SPIRITUAL
To rebuild the mind and develop self-worth, continuous use of affirma-
tions is important. He is transformed with love and truth by listening to
audiotapes with positive messages. He needs to meditate, pray, study, and
use affirmations.
I will briefly mention the relationship between spirit influence and
same-sex attractions. My core belief is that each man, woman, and child
possesses both a physical and spiritual body. Upon death, we shed the
physical and live in spirit eternally.

I believe there may be a component of spirit influence in the homo-

sexual condition. You may read a psychologists appraisal of the situation
in The Unquiet Dead, by Dr. Edith Fiore. She found that an opposite-sex
spirit influenced each of her homosexual clients. Female spirits influenced
male clients, driving them toward men, and male spirits influenced female
clients, driving them toward women. I believe these spirits were connected

in some way through the lineage, either direct ancestors or those who were
hurt by their ancestors. Generally, the influencing spirits are seeking re-
venge, retaliating for wounds upon them. “Yet he does not leave
inflicted

the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the
sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation. good film that
depicts how the “sins” or mistakes of the ancestors may later “curse” their
future generations is an Italian movie called Fiorile (1993).

Others believe there are “spiritual strongholds” that drive individuals

toward homosexuality. This knowledge does not make the course of

restoration any easier. It does help to explain why some might suffer

through no fault of their own. However, it is still up to each individual to

undo the wrongs of his past.

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A warning to those with a strong religious orientation; Spirit liberation or deliv-

erance alone will not heal the homosexual struggler. Spirit influence is just one
part of the condition. Well-intentioned people of faith have deeply harmed many
men and women seeking healing from same-sex attractions. These men and
women were “delivered” from spirit, yet their homosexual feelings and desires

continued. Rightly so, since there was no healing of root causes or fulfillment of

unmet needs. If there were no base in the individual’s life for the spirit to influ-

ence, he would never have had homosexual feelings in the first place. Therefore,

ridding an individual of spiritual influence may simply be an adjunct to the entire

program of healing, if this is the desire of the individual in recovery. (See Refer-
ences to spirit liberation at the back of the book.)

Therapeutic Tools and Techniques

Stage IV: Healing Hetero-Emotional Wounds
Intellectual Understanding Root Causes of Hetero-Emotional
Wounds
Learning About: Men/Women Differences
Marital Relations

Emotional Grieving/Forgiving/Taking Responsibility

Techniques: Memory HealingA/oice Dialogue/Role-Play/
Psychodrama/Holding/Mentoring/Inner Child

Support Network

Physical Exercise/Diet/Sports/Fun/Behavioral
Reeducation/Bioenergetics/Breathwork/
Therapeutic Massage

Spiritual Building Self-Worth

Experiencing Value from God
Meditation/Prayer/Affirmations/ Study/ Spiritual Community

© Richard Cohen, M.A., January 1999

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 THERAPEUTIC TOOLS AND TECHNIQUES

Stage Four: Healing Hetero-Emotional Wounds

1 . Continuing all tasks of Stage Two
2. Discovering the root causes of hetero-emotional wounds
3. Continuing the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking responsi-
bility

4. Developing healthy, healing opposite-sex relationships and learning

to understand and appreciate the opposite sex

INTELLECTUAL
Here the individual needs to explore any possible wounding with the
opposite-sex parent or significant people of the opposite sex. Many men
may have had a close binding, unhealthy attachment with their mothers.
Many women may have had a close binding, unhealthy attachment with
their fathers. There may also have been physical, emotional, mental, or

[hetero] sexual abuse that needs healing.

It is very important for the individual to understand the basic causes

that created a fear of intimacy with the opposite sex. Unless the individual
addresses these issues, he will unconsciously project the unresolved wounds
and unmet needs onto his future spouse or any other close opposite-sex
friend or coworker.
Another task in this final stage of recovery is to learn about and appre-
ciate the opposite sex. Some books
recommend about male/female dif-
I

ferences and marital relations are: You Just Dont Understand by Deborah
Tannen; Men Are Jrom Mars, Women Are from Venus, by John Gray; Get-
ting the Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix; Hot Monogamy, by Patricia
Love; Dancing in the Dark, by Doug and Naomi Moseley; Why Marriages
Succeed or Fail, by John Gottman; Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, by
Les and Leslie Parrott; Light His Fire and Light Her Fire, by Ellen Kreid-
man; and Making Love Work, by Barbara De Angelis.

EMOTIONAL
Basically, we follow the same protocol as in Stage Three, using Voice
Dialogue, Gestalt Therapy, Breathwork, Role-Play, Psychodrama, Family
Constellation, Mentoring, Memory Healing, Inner-Child Healing,
Attachment/Holding Therapy, Transactional Analysis, and Bioenergetics.
The important point, again, is to feel it in order to heal it. The indi-

vidual must release the emotional toxicity of the hetero-emotional

wounding. For some in recovery, the hetero-emotional issues may not be

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 HEALING

as meaningful or potent as the homo-emotional issues. However, for oth-

ers, the hetero-emotional wounds and needs may be more profound.

Whenever possible, the most effective way to heal is to deal directly
with the source. If it is an issue with Mom, Dad, sibling, or relative, I rec-

ommend working with that person. To prepare for those sessions, I have
the individual do many of the exercises from Dr. Jane Myers Drews book.
Where Were You When I Needed You Dad? Again, all fifty exercises are ap-

plicable to any close relationship.

Dr. Drew has created an 8-stage model of recovery:

1 . Increasing your awareness of the person’s impact on your life

2. Mourning and letting go of your pain

3. Reappraising your parent or significant person
4. Healing the child within
5. Becoming your own good parent
6. Finding the wisdom in the wound
7. Reconnecting with your parent or significant person
8. Building satisfying relationships.^"^

These are good exercises to use in preparation for meeting and healing
with the individual or individuals with whom the wounding occurred.
Please be advised: First, the individual needs to do much processing before
reconciling with his parents. If done prematurely, it may become a blam-
ing session. This will be disastrous for all involved. Processing and prepa-
ration are key to successful reconciliation. The adult-child needs to take
full ownership of his thoughts and feelings. Preparation may take any-
where from several months to several years.

Attachment/Holding Therapy with the opposite-sex parent is the most

direct way to heal. If he or she is unavailable for any reason, then I strongly
suggest the participation of other opposite-sex mentors. A happily mar-
ried couple is the best mentor for the adult-child. First, it is important to
create a healthy, nonsexual bonding experience, rather than jumping right
into dating and more intimate experiences with the opposite sex. Our cul-
ture is grossly oversexed, and most men have not been able to separate sex,
love, and intimacy. Most women are hungering for physical intimacy from
their husbands. Most men think sex is intimacy and have not understood
the difference between the two.

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 THERAPEUTIC TOOLS AND TECHNIQUES
PHYSICAL
Employ the same exercises and techniques of Stage Three. In addition, he
may need behavioral reeducation. Men with a Same-Sex Attachment Dis-
order may have a more feminine manner, and women may have a more
masculine manner. Men need to inherit masculine behaviors, women more
feminine behaviors.
Video therapy is very helpful during this stage, allowing him to see his

behaviors. Through behavioral reeducation, a man may inherit what he

missed in the early stages of child development —being and acting like a
man, rather than being and acting like his mother or sister. If a video cam-
era is not accessible, then I use a mirror. In this way, the individual is able
to see his behavior and how he might change it.

I do not focus on behavioral reeducation until this final stage of recov-

ery, because there are too many important changes that need to take place
before this.

SPIRITUAL
Continue as in Stage Three. Finally, once an individual experiences and
restores a secure sense of masculine or feminine identity, then he or she is

ready to move on and give back to others.

Conclusion
He needs to heal his mind, heart, body, and spirit. He needs to create true
intimacy with himself, God, others, and creation.

One night, after our support group, I was cleaning up and spilled a

five-tier candleholder on the carpet. There were red, green, and

white stains everywhere. I asked Jessica, my daughter, how to get

thewax out of the beige carpet. She showed me how to put blank
paper over the wax and apply a hot iron, thereby reheating the wax
and allowing it to be absorbed into the paper. I sat there for almost
one hour, amazed at how the different color waxes were lifted out
of the carpet and onto the many pieces of paper.
As I sat there, I asked God, “Why is this happening? I feel so ex-

hausted from the group, from counseling all week, writing my

book, being a husband and father. I am wiped out. What is there to
learn here?” Very clearly, I heard, “I am the iron. You are the paper.

167
 HEALING

The carpet is your clients, and the wax is all their pain, wounds,
and hurts coming to the surface and leaving their bodies. I am the
heat, which brings forth the healing. You are merely an instrument
by which I help relieve them of their suffering and pain.”

Helping men and women heal out of homosexuality and any burden of
the heart is no simple task. It takes time, guts, and persistence. It is defi-

nitely the path of greatest endeavor, rather than the path of least resis-

tance, that leads to a rich and full life.

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 CHAPTER SEVEN

grew up in what you call a “nice family” — father, mother, older brother,
I and me. Things looked so perfect. We were actually the envy of the
town because of my father’s work. We traveled to different parts of the

world when we were kids. We lived in an East European country that had
been under communism for decades. Without knowing it, that also af-
fected our family in ways that I would only understand years later.
I didn’t know what was going on with me. I was too young to remem-
ber being different or feeling different. As far as I could remember, I felt

unusual towards men, a feeling that unsettled me, that confused me. I

vaguely remembered the first time I felt that way. It was in a locker room,
and the only picture that stuck in my mind was that of a naked man
standing in front of me. Since then, that feeling stayed with me. It was a
mixture of fear, excitement, pain, need, and confusion. I felt that feeling
around my brother, around my father, and around any other man I was
with. I felt that in my dreams, in my alone times, always longing for, and
at the same time, fearing closeness with men.
At an early age, I started to pleasure myself, and that felt good. Perhaps
it was the only thing that felt good in my life. Later, I showed my brother,
and we did it together. It felt good for a moment, only to feel worse after-
wards. It was a way to numb the pain. It became like an addiction later in

my teenage years. Without realizing it, over the years it completely took
over my life, controlling my every feeling and sense of who I was. I based
 HEALING

my self-worth on whether or not my brother showed interest in me, and

later, on whether or not the other men around wanted me.
I became an invisible kid. Nobody ever knew what was in my mind,
and my parents could never see what I was going through or understand
my struggle. By the time I turned thirteen years old, the only thing I had
in mind was to have a man^ perform anal sex on me. Nothing else had
value. Nothing else was interesting. I could not study. I could not have
friends. Luckily, the environment prohibited homosexual relations, and
the fear of going to jail or having my father lose his job kept me from act-
ing out. So, I played it safe and only had sex with my brother. Looking
back at it from where I am now, I don’t know how I managed to survive,
how I could live with so much confusion and pain. Nevertheless, at the
time all of this was happening, I considered myself lucky.
My father is a good man who came from a broken family. His father ran
away and left: him and his sister with their mother. He mostly focused on
providing for the family and not so much on meeting our emotional needs.
By the time I realized how much I needed him, there was no relationship
whatsoever between us. That need, that longing for a strong male presence
in my life to guide me and love me, became a sexual desire over the years.
When I reached my twenties, because of the fall of the communist
regime and the “freedom” that people were experiencing, I decided to go
for it. I got involved in a couple of homosexual relationships. It was like a

roller-coaster ride. All that emotion that I had been stuffing for years got

loose, and all those fantasies took form. Like popping open a warm can of
soda, everywhere was a mess. I was a mess. I realized that this was not what
I wanted, that world that I had imagined was not real, and the love that I

was looking for was not there.

I tried also the “right” way, getting involved with a girl, thinking that
such activity would straighten me out. It didn’t work that way either.

It took me a while to realize that I was very unhappy, that my life was
a mess, and that I wanted things to change. I remember taking time to

meditate. I found myself trying to make sense of who I was and where I

wanted to go from there. The homosexual feelings were still there, the

temptation was there, the pain and confusion were there, and on top of
that, the knowledge experienced in my skin was there too. I had nobody
to talk to about my struggle, nobody to share my pain with. I turned even
to God to search for help, a thing that I was not used to doing.

Locally, I sought help talking with different people,^ from therapists to

counselors, without getting any clear answer. I could see them trying to help

170
 MARK
me. Some of them felt the pain I was going through, but didn’t know how
to help. Most of all, I was getting more and more frustrated. I talked with
my parents about it, too, but they were completely ignorant of this matter.
I determined myself that if there was anything, anywhere in the world to be
found out about this issue, I would find it. That’s when, through some
friends of mine and through a miracle, I first heard about healing in general
and, in particular, healing homosexuality through Richard’s healing founda-
tion. My friends ordered his videotape and I watched it. It was a tape about
the healing process, and it made so much sense that I said to myself that this

is it. It took me a little more than two years from that date on to manage to
come to the U.S. and work with Richard.
Once I got here, I heard all the explanations, I got the tools, and I saw
where I had to go and how to get there. Believe it or not, that was just the
beginning. Just knowing and understanding the facts brought a great relief
However, the work was just starting. Building self-worth and acquiring
communication skills was the Then mentoring and reparative
first battle.

therapy was the next step. We met twice a week. The first weekly session in-
volved a lot of head work. We did my We dialogued a lot,
family history.
and that helped me how to
understand communicate my thoughts and
feelings, how to assert myself, and how to be a more functional and social

person. Those things helped me to better understand my thinking patterns

and how to take charge over my life and the events that I experience.
The second weekly session centered more on emotions and expressing
feelings like fear, pain, and anger. It was about being and letting myself
be loved and accepted, feeling worthy and feeling good about myself, ex-
periencing healthy love through time, touch, and talk. That was some-
thing new. For the first time, somebody was taking an interest in me
without wanting me sexually. I was just supposed to receive love and
enjoy it. That was a battle. I learned to trust, set boundaries, and let my-
self experience love.

Two years passed, meeting regularly and doing my homework. Mean-

while, I started to make friends, mostly in the support group that Richard
formed. That helped me to practice the skills I learned. It became much
easier to deal with feelings and find out where they were coming from. I

was feeling relieved a lot. However, the struggle with the homosexual feel-

ings was still there. I knew and I felt that there was still a wall around my
heart, which was surrounding me, preventing me from receiving the love
that I needed to heal the innermost wound. My soul still felt wounded
deep inside, and still there was that pain.

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 HEALING

After searching for some time, I felt strong enough to try a more fo-

cused and intense approach by attending a weekend seminar organized by

a group of men. The weekend went, step by step, deeper and deeper to the
wounded parts of each of the participants. Having so many other men
around me dealing with deep issues and seeing them sorting out feelings,
letting go and healing wounds, and having the support of a dedicated
staff, gave me the courage to take a risk. I plunged into that part of me
where the wound was, the core of my being. It was hell. Everything that I

had learned in the past two years with Richard came together and brought
fruit in those fifteen minutes. It was the right place and the right time

perfect timing. I sank into the fear and then made my way to the wall. I

saw in front of me, and surprisingly, that all the work I had done over the
past two years had chipped away, little by little, pieces of the wall. Now,
with a single blow, it crumbled.
I saw that little boy in the locker room, helpless and scared to death.
There was nobody there to protect him and to save him from the threat in
front of him, the naked man. I relived the panic, the fear, and the rage I

felt then. I grieved for that innocent child and his pain. I let go of that hor-
rible experience, and when I came back into the room, surrounded by all

those men with tears in their eyes, I felt for the first time free. I felt reborn.
I didn’t feel that pain in my chest anymore.
It took me months to ground that experience in my life and to really

believe that it happened. My homosexual feelings disappeared the mo-

ment the healing of my wounds began. The days and weeks after, I felt
more and more the change, and the feeling of peace and happiness settled
into my life. Once that happened, everything else in my life fell into place.
It’s been more than two years since that weekend experience, and I became

the person I wanted to be. I got married, and I am looking forward to

meeting the challenges of parenthood. I am happy with myself I don’t re-
gret a second of what I did and what I went through in my healing
process. I have people in my life that I feel close to. I love and I am deeply
loved. Life is good.

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 CHAPTER EIGHT

Anger: Accessing
Personal Power
“Anger exists to protect us from predators. It is an automatic response triggered

whenever we feel threatened. . . . But more often, anger is a reaction to psychologi-

cal hurt or threat of hurt. . . . Anger is almost always a reaction to a temporarily

painful or diminished sense ofself. —Steven Stosny, Ph.D.

A Poison Tree
I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:

I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I watered it in fears.
Night & morning with my tears:
And I sunned it with smiles.
And with soft deceitful wiles.
And it grew both day and night.
Till it bore an apple bright.
And my foe beheld it shine.
And he knew that it was mine.
And into my garden stole.
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning glad I see.

My foe outstretched beneath the tree.

—William Blake, 1794
 HEALING

Why Anger?
The main function of physiological anger is to protect us from danger, thus
the fight-or-flight response. Anger is a means of defense. The main func-
tion of psychological anger is to protect us from further hurt and pain.
There is a repository of unexpressed anger in many individuals who ex-

perience same-sex attractions. Because psychological anger is a secondary

emotion to mask hurt and pain, these people are out of touch with their
core issues/wounds. Therefore, I have found it necessary to help them ac-

cess the energy of anger to recover their lost selves.

“We have impaired our ability to express our positive feelings by im-
pairing our ability to express the negative ones. When one set of emotions
is blocked, the other set is inhibited. In order to keep the lid on the bad
feelings, people tend to keep the lid on the good.”^ The bad news is that
when we lose the ability to express our negative feelings, we also lose touch
with the positive ones. The good news is that when we learn to express our
negative feelings in positive ways, we will then experience the good feel-

ings trapped below.

“Anger is a survival emotion, a warning signal that needs are not being

met. ... If we don’t allow our children to show their anger, then they learn
not to listen to their warning system (of self-protection) and they lose their
true self.”^ The “good little boy” syndrome created a demasculinized male.
The pleaser, the nice guy, the sweet one — all of these roles have betrayed
his essential masculine nature. He operates from the more feminine side

of his character. Between the ages of one and a half to three, he failed to
separate and individuate from his mother and bond with his father. He
may also have lost his ability to say “no.” The overly sweet girl or woman
has lost touch with her more masculine, aggressive nature. She, too, holds
an imbalance in her emotional ecology.
We have a saying in our support group —“Nice Sucks.” Literally, it does.
It sucks on the approval of others. When one is nice, sweet, and good for the
sake of winning the approval of another, he is sucking the life energy from
the other person. It is a form of idol worship. Feeling unlovable and feeling

a lack of self-worth, he then lives for the acknowledgment of others. If peo-

ple approve of him, then his life has meaning. If they withhold their ap-
proval, then he must again modify his actions to gain acceptance. Another
term for this is emotional dependency or codependent behavior.
I am not putting down being “nice” or kind altogether. If these emo-
tions are genuine, and if one is aware of who he is and is not seeking the ap-

174
 ANGER: ACCESSING PERSONAL POWER

proval of others, then it may be a genuine attribute. However, my experi-

ence with men, women, and adolescents coming out of homosexuality, and
many others who were abused, neglected, or abandoned, is that they did
not successfully individuate from the (perceived) perpetrator(s). Therefore,
in their adult lives, they continue to capitulate to the needs of others with-

out an awareness of their own feelings, thoughts, and needs. And, if they
are aware of their feelings, thoughts, and needs, oftentimes they do not ex-

press them for fear of losing what little love they perceive they are receiving.
Therefore, they say “yes,” when they feel and or think “no.”
When the child repressed hurtful feelings, thoughts, and desires, he
lost himSelf (Self = true self). As a result, Mr. Nice Guy was born and Mr.
Hurt was disowned. Therefore, I have found the use of anger work to be a
necessary part of the healing process. Here, one can retrieve lost thoughts,
feelings, and needs that he buried alive. Bioenergetic and core energetic
methods are excellent tools to help “pop the cork.” When someone is

stuck in his head, I will oftentimes lead him over to the pounding pillows
and have him begin to breathe, hit, speak, and scream (see photos).

Again, proper diaphragmatic breathing is important in the process of

recovering lost feelings. I have him breathe into his belly as he inhales. I

have him pound the pillows with the racquet as he exhales, while saying
the name of the person about whom he has unresolved feelings. It is im-
portant that he keeps his jaw open and relaxed as he exhales and speaks the
persons name, or speak whatever he needs to say.

“Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad,” he repeats over and over again until he gets

in touch with his deeper feelings. Once he taps into that reservoir of re-
pressed or unexpressed emotions, I instruct him to let them out and let

them go. With continued deep breathing, he releases the years of pent-up
feelings: “Where were you when I needed you?” “Why didn’t you hold
me?” “Why didn’t you teach me how to be a man?” “I needed you and you
weren’t there.” He goes on, allowing the voice of his inner child to speak.
This takes time. Getting angry is scary for some people. Perhaps one’s
parents never gave him permission to express such feelings at home. Per-
haps he feels it is unacceptable to show anger toward his mom or dad, that
this will make him a bad person. Perhaps he grew up in an angry environ-

ment and the expression of anger triggers unresolved traumatic feelings.

The person who is out of touch with his anger needs gentle coaching to
express this emotion. I demonstrate how it works, showing my willingness
to express anger and help him express his. We hold the racquet together (I

stand behind him), hitting and screaming simultaneously. Modeling that it

175
Hold the tennis racket

over your head; take

a deep diaphragmatic
breath; place your feet

shoulder width apart;

and imagine your
dad standing on the
other side of the pih 1

lows. I-

Your jaw needs to be

relaxed and wide
open as you speak
‘"Dad” on the same,
sustained breath.

Hit the pillow at the end

of the breath. Repeat the

process over and over,

without delay, until

deeper feelings/
thoughts emerge.
Photos by Ken Weber
 ANGER: ACCESSING PERSONAL POWER

is acceptable to express powerful feelings is very important. Many people

never learned how to express the feeling of anger in healthy ways, or the

family of origin rejected the expression of this feeling. The person who
thinks that anger is unacceptable needs to understand that this is a natural,
God-given emotion. We do the pounding (bioenergetic work) together,
until he feels comfortable enough to express it on his own.
The person who grew up in a hostile environment may be afraid of his
anger or losing control. The child within feels that if he lets go and lets
out his pain, he will die. This is a natural response to feeling intense hurt
and pain. I reassure the adult-child that when he does express his anger
and pain, he will not die, and I will be there with and for him. When a
person lets out the anger and eventually taps into the hurt and pain, he
eventually experiences a deep sense of relief. It happens every time, be-
cause this is the natural process of healing that God has built into each
one of us. Our children demonstrate for us every day this healing process.

When they get an “ouchy,” they scream and/or cry. After they let the pain
out, they need our comfort and love. Then they feel much better and can
understand what happened and use the information to avoid a dangerous
situation in the future.
I have observed that many religious people think that to be truly de-

vout, they must always be “good.” This becomes confused with the nat-
ural expression of the full range of our emotional vocabulary. Both the
Old and New Testaments in the Bible address anger. They do not forbid
this emotion. They speak of ways to express it in a healthy and appropri-
ate manner: “The old tradition says that if a man loves God he can be-
come holy in twenty years; but if he hates God, he can do the same work
in two years.

By accessing repressed anger, we gain entry into the soul. If one is un-
aware of the shadows (hidden wounds) in his life, all he needs to do is ob-
serve the people that he dislikes or that easily upset him. There he will find
his wound(s). Again, it is not the event or individual that upsets us; it is our
unresolved pain being resurrected. We generally avoid our wound and pain
by blaming others. However, when we open up to the pain and grieve the
losses, healing will naturally occur. When we release the feelings, we need
to replace them with healthy love. That is why healing touch is an impor-
tant and integral part of recovery.

“The Iron John story proposes that the golden ball [golden child] lies

within the magnetic field of the Wild Man, which is a very hard concept
for us to grasp. We have to accept the possibility that the true radiant

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 HEALING

energy in the male does not hide in, reside in, or wait for us in the femi-
nine realm, nor in the macho/John Wayne realm, but in the magnetic field
of the deep masculine.”^
After grieving the wounds, understanding occurs, and one can inte-
grate the lessons he has learned. Through such a process as this, he will

naturally attach (or reattach) to his own sense of gender identity, no longer
invested in the coverup. Again, at its deepest level, this is a Same-Sex At-
tachment Disorder. Once the wounds are removed, natural feelings of
connectedness will emerge.
Note: People who have anger problems will need to learn skills of self-
regulation. There are many books and techniques on anger management.

The anger work I am referring to in this chapter is for those who have placed
this part of their personalities in the closet.

178
 CHAPTER NINE

Joseph
was born in Europe. I grew up and lived there for more than twenty
I years. Thinking back always brings to mind the image of not having a
particularly happy childhood. I was a very sensitive child, and so the con-
frontation with reality was much more difficult for me than it was for oth-

ers. I cant tell exactly when I started to feel attractions towards boys.
However, several years ago, my uncle sexually abused me.
I found out that
I spent much time with him when I was three to five years old. When I first

retrieved these memories, I felt terrified to remember the actual events that
happened. What were more painful and intense were the feelings con-

nected with the abuse, all the feelings that were stored up in my body and
mind for so many years. I virtually reexperienced the feelings I had as a boy.

Believe it or not, I am very happy to have had this memory, to know about
it, because it is one factor that led tomy homosexual desires.
My mother was at home with my brother and me. When I was a tod-
dler, she did not give me the opportunity to break away from her and find
my way. I was educated to be the good boy! My father worked a lot and
was almost never home, so there was no one who could have balanced out
my mother’s role. My brother was born when I was nine years old. From
the time of his birth, I was very jealous because I felt that he was the main
focus of the family.
Growing up as a teenager was a good time because I had lots of friends
in school, but at home I was still unhappy. What happened was that my
friends became my family. With some of my male friends from school, I
 HEALING

had sexual encounters. Mutual masturbation and oral sex were the things
we did together, and I started to like it. At around the same time, I found
pornographic magazines of my dad’s, and masturbation became more and
more like a friend in my lonely life at home.
I never understood why I felt attractions towards boys and men. I felt

it was one of the biggest burdens in my life because I also liked being with
women, and I definitely wanted to have a family. After finishing high

school, my life became even more confused. A good friend of mine went
into the gay lifestyle as I was standing right next to him. I didn’t know if I

should do the same.

At the same time, I was in love with a girl that somehow protected me.
I still felt confused, and a trip to the U.S. helped me to clear the picture of
confusion. During my visit, I stayed with a gay couple for some time.
Through that, I realized that the gay lifestyle was absolutely not right for

me. Being clearer about it really helped, but I still felt attractions towards

men. In a way, it was harder for me now because I knew for sure that I did
not want to go into the gay lifestyle.

At that time, I started to act out. I had sex with men in public parks

and bathrooms. Even though it did not happen so often, it still gave me
the feeling that I could meet my need for intimacy with men. It did not
take too long until I realized how terrible the whole thing was. I tried to

stay away from acting out as often as I could. I was partially successful be-

cause I relied more and more on masturbation to calm down my need for
male intimacy while using gay pornography.
At this time, I was studying at a university. I met a friend and she
helped me a lot. Through her, I heard about a therapist who specialized in
helping people with exactly the same problem that I had. I could finally
meet him on one of his seminar tours through Europe. For the first time
in my life, I talked to someone about my problems and desires. Richard
was very understanding and helpful. He explained to me the root causes
of the condition. He told me that there was the possibility of healing. At
that point, I had hope again. God, who helped me to get through all those
years, gave me a wonderful gift.

My plan was to go to America and to get into therapy. A year after I

first met Richard in Europe, I came to the U.S. There I went into therapy
with a colleague of his. It was great because, for the first time, I could re-

ally share my story, and I found a lot of understanding and help. I felt un-
derstood and not alone for the first time in my life.
After a couple of months in the States, I had to return to Europe to fm-

180
 JOSEPH

ish school. I also started to prepare to come back for a longer time to get

more therapy and also to get in a support group. Back at home, I had
wonderful friends who totally supported me and especially a close friend

of mine who knew my story, and he literally was there for me whenever I
needed him. He held me and we did sports together, had fun together, and
worked together on different projects on campus.
At the time, I also met my wife-to-be, and I told her from the very be-
ginning about my homosexual attractions. She said, “We will master it to-

gether.” She accompanied me back to the States. I got into therapy with
Richard and joined his support group. I also found a healing partner,

which helped a lot. It was sometimes tough, but I learned more and more
about myself I found my inner child, which helped incredibly to heal the
wounds of the past.

Today, I feel I have come a long way. Quite infrequently, I experience

attractions towards men. I learned it is just an indication that there is

something wrong, something I’m not caring for properly. When I do ad-
dress the issue, those attractions go away instantly. I feel very good, and I

see that I grow closer to my wife every day.

I am grateful to God to have had this opportunity to heal. I am grate-

ful to those who pioneered this way of transitioning.

Comments
I worked with Joseph for two years. He made tremendous progress in that
time. One of the most important parts of his therapy was learning about
his inner child. Joseph not only had problems with compulsive masturba-
tion and anonymous sexual behavior, he also had an eating disorder. Food
and sex were his way of medicating his pain. Food and sex were love.
When he did the Capacchione workbook, he discovered a whole new
world. Because of his devotion to his healing work, the voice within began
to disclose more and more about his past and present situation. Joseph be-
came a good parent to his inner family. The more he listened, the more he
learned. Because of this and his healing relationships with other men, the
homosexual desires naturally disappeared.

Joseph also had to learn a marvelous new word, which had not been a
part of his vocabulary in either English or his native tongue. That word
was “no.” As he stated, he grew up being a “good boy” for his mommy and
others. In his recovery work, we did a lot of bioenergetics to reawaken his
masculine energy. When he finally got the hang of it, Joseph cut loose,
and oceans of rage and pain were released. The support group was of

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 HEALING

tremendous benefit to him. Also, he was a gift to the group, as he readily

shared himself with others. In this way, he mentored the newcomers.
Toward the end of our work together, Joseph invited his entire family

over to America for a marathon holding session. It lasted a day, and it was
simply magnificent. He was able to hold with his mom and tell her how
much pain he experienced by her overprotective nature. They wept to-

gether. She apologized, not realizing that what she had done had hurt her
son so deeply.
He held with his father, crying the tears of a child who so longed for
his father’s affection and attention. He told his dad how much he missed
him when he was out working and in the pubs at night with his friends.
“Why didn’t you ever take me with you to work?” They, too, wept. His fa-

ther apologized, and finally Joseph felt his strong daddy’s arms around
him. Now, their relationship is deepening with each visit. Joseph has re-

quested that his mother back off for now so he and his dad can bond.
Another amazing event took place during the family holding session.

Joseph was able to apologize to his younger brother for the abusive way
that he had treated him because of the intense jealousy he felt toward him.
His brother let out his pain, screaming about what he had gone through.
They held each other, grieving together and reconnected in heart. Finally,

his younger brother shared with Mom and Dad how their fighting hurt

him. The entire family held each other, all crying, releasing years of unex-
pressed pain.
It was a new beginning for this family. Today, Joseph is more and more
in love with his wife. Their sex life is great, his same-sex desires are gone,
and they are expecting their first child.

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 CHAPTER TEN

Touch: The Need for

Bonding and Attachment

“The impersonality of life in the Western world has become such that we have pro-
duced a race of untouchables. We have become strangers to each other, not only

avoiding but even warding ojfall forms of unnecessary physical contact, faceless

figures in a crowded landscape, lonely and afraid ofintimacy. To the extent that this

is so, we are all diminished. Because of our untouchableness, we have failed to cre-

ate a society in which people touch each other in more senses than the physical. With
our inauthentic selves, and wearing other peoples image of what we should be, it is

not surprising that we remain unsure of who we really are. We wear the inauthen-

tic selves that have been imposed upon us as uncomfortably as an ill-fitting gar-

ment, ruefully, at times, and unknowing, wondering how we got this way. As Willy
Loman says in Death of a Salesman, 7 stillfeel kind of temporary.
— ^Ashley Montagu

The Healing Power of Touch

Understanding the significance of touch is a foundation for understand-
ing mentoring. Touch is the greatest healing power in the world. The topic
of touch is very uncomfortable for most people. As a therapist, husband,
and father, I practice and encourage healthy touch.
 HEALING

Touch is a necessary component in the process of healing. As a thera-

pist of mine used to say “First, pull the weeds, and then plant the seeds.”
First, we take out the bad stuff, and then replace it with the good stuff
The “bad stuff” is the homo-emotional and hetero-emotional wounds.
The “good stuff” may easily consist of healthy, healing touch. Men and
women who experience same-sex attractions are often touch-deprived, at
least touch-deprived in healthy ways. This is a developmental disorder due
to a lack of attachment with the same-sex and/or opposite-sex parent.

The individuals coming out of homosexuality may need a significant

investment of time, touch, and talk. Please realize again that the essence of
same-sex attractions is lack ofattachment.

• Detachment from parents (especially same-sex parent)

• Detachment from one’s gender
• Detachment from one’s body
• Detachment from others
• Detachment from one’s soul

We cannot underestimate the healing power of touch. It must be admin-

istered with great compassion, sensitivity, and understanding. Proper tim-
ing is everything. Giving touch without having the individual learn about
himself may be as destructive as withholding any form of touch. There-
fore, as mentioned earlier, first, the individual coming out of homosexual-
ity must go through the process of behavioral changes and cognitive
reparation. Next, he must learn about his inner world through inner-child
work or other means to understand his feelings, thoughts, and needs. As
he becomes centered and stable, having mentors assist in his healing pro-
gram will greatly accelerate recovery.

Administering Touch
Touch must be administered in an appropriate manner, at the right time,

and by the right person(s). Otherwise, it can reinforce unhealthy patterns

and/or abuse. The one to give healthy touch must be secure in his own
The
sense of gender identity. best ones to offer healthy touch are happily
married men and women.
If the parents are unavailable or unwilling to assist, I suggest my clients
find mentors who are willing to provide healthy touch. This has been an ex-
tremely frustrating and difficult task for many. They long to receive that
which was unobtained in early childhood and adolescence. “God is the love

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 TOUCH: BONDING AND ATTACHMENT

of our mother’s kiss, and the warm, strong hug of our daddy’s arms.”^ How-
ever, what they find are men and women scared to hold or touch them. (I

will be more explicit about the technique of holding in chapter 12.)

“I asked him to hold me and he freaked out.” “Why do you think my
pastor or elders in the church will not support me in this way of recovery?”
“I have asked many people, but they all said no.’” I have heard these com-
ments and questions time after time by my clients. Most people feel

frightened to hold or touch the individual in recovery. I know this is be-

cause of the big four letter word, fear. “When it comes to fears, we often
fear most the things we do not understand. If your understanding of ho-
mosexuality is limited, you may be reluctant to get involved counseling
homosexuals or you may be fearful of relating to them.”^ Fear is a primary
emotion, created to protect us from that which we do not understand. Ed-
ucation and understanding will ultimately assuage irrational fears.

I recently read Dr. Paul Brand’s book. The Gift ofPain, about his life’s

work with lepers. There are striking parallels between leprosy and same-sex
attractions. Leprosy is a nerve disorder whereby the individual has no feel-

ing sensations in the extremities of his body. It represents a severe detach-

ment from feelings in the hands, feet, and/or facial muscles. After helping
lepers heal this nerve disorder and reeducating them to live without sensa-

tions in their extremities. Dr. Brand sent them back into their communi-
ties to live healthy and productive lives. Upon their return, the family and
community members expressed fear of relating to them, afraid they would
“catch” leprosy. Dr. Brand explains that this is not a contagious disease.
What Dr. Brand and his colleagues realized next was that they had to ed-

ucate the family members and community about the true nature of leprosy.
Once they had done this, fears began to vanish. “Fear and superstition had
melted away as they understood the nature of the disease. They listened to

thenew patients’ stories, unrevolted, unafraid. They used the magic of

human touch. No longer afraid of “catching” the condition, family mem-
bers, friends, and those in their communities began to hold and touch them.
The healing power of touch restores both giver and receiver.
People’s reactions to leprosy and homosexuality have been quite simi-
lar. What we do not understand, we fear in order to self-protect. When we
understand that which we fear, walls come down and we learn to embrace.

We may also fear in others what we are repressing or suppressing in our-

selves. Most men in our culture harbor father wounds, not having experi-
enced sufficient bonding/attachment with their dads. I believe that if a

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 HEALING

man experienced a salient, loving, and supportive father, it would be nat-

ural for him to reach out and embrace other men. Men in this and other
cultures are both touch-deprived and emotionally repressed.

“From early childhood, boys learn to suppress their emotions while

girls learn to express and manage the complete range of feelings. ... A
man is more likely to equate being emotional with weakness and vulnera-
bility because he has been raised to do rather than to voice what he feels.

(A friend of mine made it clear to me that this may also be true for many
girls. They, too, had to repress their feelings while living in a dysfunctional
environment.)

Same-Sex Deficit
Ashely Montagu states, “ ... In short, one learns to love not by instruc-
tion but by being loved. In the book Recovery from Co-Dependency, Drs.
Laurie and Jon Weiss write, “Adult-children who didn’t bond successfully
often spend their lives searching for unconditional love, and find Co-De-
pendent relationships instead.”^
If a man has not sufficiently bonded with his dad, then he himself has
a same-sex deficit. In most men, this is not visibly apparent or manifested
by same-sex attractions. However, many cultures accept that men do not
share their feelings and are activity-centered, oversexed, and poor com-
municators. I believe that most men are oversexed because they are un-

dernourished and out of touch with their deeper feelings. Men are often
stimulated sexually, bypassing feelings in their mid-section — gut, stom-
ach, chest, and heart —making an immediate connection between the
head and genitals. Lusting women afterunhealthy homosexual
is as as

lust. Both represent a defensive detachment— one with same-sex the par-
ent (SSAD), the other with the opposite-sex parent (OSAD).
One place where it is culturally acceptable for men to touch is after

winning a sports event. When we see a baseball game and the team wins,
then men openly embrace and hug one another, sharing in their victory.
However, we generally condemn that same display of open affection be-
tween men off the field. If men publicly show such affection for one an-
other, they are immediately suspect for being homosexually-oriented.
This confusion over sex, love, and intimacy entraps us into addictions
and disorders. When we deprive body, soul, and spirit of healthy touch on
a regular basis —and I mean daily —we become sick mentally, emotionally,
physically, and spiritually. For an overview of pur indelible need for touch,
I suggest reading Ashley Montagu’s book Touching: The Human Signifi-

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 TOUCH; BONDING AND ATTACHMENT

cance of the Skin. Also, Holding Time, by Dr. Martha Welch, is another ex-
ample about the healing powers of healthy touch (her audio and video
tapes are excellent in explaining how holding works and the powerful ben-
efits it brings to relationships).
Setting healthy boundaries is absolutely necessary when it comes to

touch. Some people have boundaries that are too permeable, allowing oth-
ers to touch them in inappropriate ways. Others have walls around their
hearts and do not allow anyone to get near or touch them. Whether the
struggle is homosexual or not, lack of healthy touch keeps us prisoners in

our bodies and emotionally stunted in our souls. “Those who have been
failed in such stimulation [healthy touch] remain, as it were, imprisoned
within their skin, and then act as if the skin were a barrier that shuts them
in, and being touched becomes for them an assault upon their integrity.”^

It is noteworthy that several of the sexually addicted men with whom

I worked did not want touch or hugs at all. Hugging meant intimacy, and
intimacy would stimulate pain. The body does not lie. Therefore, inti-
macy for many equals pain. Deep within the musculature of the body are
the hidden wounds. Anonymous sexual encounters are a “safe” way to re-
ceive physical gratification without getting emotionally intimate. Of
course, it is a short-lived gratification leading to addictions.
I have observed that the more distant the person is from his core

wounds, the more extreme his attitude is about giving and receiving
healthy touch. On one end of the spectrum, there is an abhorrence to
being touched or giving touch to others. On the other end of the spec-
trum, there is an insatiable need to touch and be touched. I have learned
that both symptoms represent an extreme form of detachment from core
wounds and unmet needs.
“It is a striking fact that by the time the human child has attained its

third birthday it has virtually achieved full adult brain size. The average
brain volume of the human three-year-old is 960 cubic centimeters, while
the brain volume of the human adult, attained at the age of twenty years,
is 1,200 cubic centimeters. ... In other words, at the end of three years of
age the human child has achieved 90 percent of its brain growth. Al- . . .

most two-thirds of the total growth of the brain is achieved by the end of
the first year.”^

Thatwhy most psychologists say that our personalities are basically

is

formed by the time we are three years of age. If a person does not receive
sufficient touch and holding by that age, then a deep sense of deprivation
and detachment will ensue. When a person receives inappropriate touch.

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 HEALING

he will also detach and emotionally withdraw. Alternatively, in adolescence

and adulthood, he might seek sexual relationships to fulfill unmet needs for

healthy bonding/ attachment.

Mentoring the SSAD Individual

I commission anyone who wants to help those in recovery to become a

mentor, and to see those with a Same-Sex Attachment Disorder as children.

Even though they inhabit adult bodies, they are developmentally little chil-

dren. Of course, this does not apply only to those with a Same-Sex Attach-
ment Disorder. My judgment is that this applies to most of the population.
The primary difference is that others are able to hide their unmet needs in
more socially acceptable ways or use more socially acceptable addictions.
The result, however, is a very numb and unhealthy society.

Without the loving, supportive, and nurturing touch of many men

and women, would not be here today. I received wounding by a man’s in-
I

appropriate touch, and I needed to receive healing by a man’s appropriate

touch. I would not have broken through the walls of pain if Phillip, Peter,
and Russell had not held me while I grieved the many losses of my past.

These brave men were willing to hold me through the tremendous

amounts of pain that I needed to grieve. Without their bravery and
courage, I would not have made it through the dark nights of my life.

Holding works. The best mentors are parents if they are open, willing,

capable, and available to participate. I primarily recommend Mom and

Dad as the bearers of healthy and loving touch. If they are unwilling, in-
capable, or unavailable, then men and women of God need to stand in the
gap. I believe that if the congregation of a particular church, synagogue, or

mosque would get together and jointly minister to the needs of those suf-

fering from this SSAD condition, healing would occur much more
quickly and beautifully. This would truly be an act of putting one’s faith
into practice.
Here are the words of Pete, who mentored one man I counseled:

I first met Rob at the door of my house and greeted him with a
strong embrace. He was very friendly, but I could sense that he was
uncomfortable not knowing if I accepted him or was one more
judgmental, heterosexual male.
Soon, Rob realized I loved him just as he was and wanted to
help him find his male identity. That night, over supper, we frankly

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discussed his past and where he was in his recovery. The bond and
friendship between us grew.
The following evening, Rob returned to my house and we con-
tinued our discussion. We then began a session of holding. I cradled
Rob in my arms, as a father would a son, and encouraged him to

talk about himself and his past. At first, we were both a bit uncom-
fortable, but within a few minutes we were past this barrier and real

feelings and emotions began to flow. There were tears and deep re-

gret expressed over his stolen childhood. I Rob of God’s love

assured
and my healthy male love for him. I encouraged him to continue to
discuss what was on his heart. It was a time of honesty and growth
for both of us, myself as the “parent” and Rob as the “child.”

A few evenings later, Rob and I (a couple of middle-agers)

played catch in my backyard. He had told me earlier that the lack

of sports prowess had left painful scars on his soul. When we first

began playing catch, Rob was stiff and uncomfortable. As we threw

the ball back and forth several hundred times, he began to relax and
really enjoy the experience. His throwing motion became smoother
and smoother and, as I encouraged and coached him, the smile on
his face grew broader and broader. What a pleasure him bud-
to see

ding before my eyes! I asked God several times during the time we
were playing catch to help and support Rob. He did! This experi-
ence was a true milestone for Rob, and it was a thrill for me to see

him grow.

My vision is to have all the elders in our country mentor the youth. In this

plastic, material culture, our grandfathers and grandmothers have been

put aside for younger, more improved models of “performance.” This is

the betrayal of our survival. In the hearts and minds of our elders lie the
wisdom and treasures of a lifetime. When we call upon them to assist us

in our journey, we connect our present to our past and future.

“Skin is the human body’s largest organ. It accounts for 18 percent of
our body weight and covers about 1 9 square feet. . . . After massage, office
workers completed a math test more quickly and with fewer errors. . . .

PET scans of severely touch-deprived infants show that critical sections of

their brains are barely active, stalling entire areas of development. . . .

America is suffering from an epidemic of skin hunger,’ says Dr. Tiffany

Field, director of Miami’s Touch Research Institute (TRI). . . . TRI set up

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 HEALING

a study in which volunteers over age 60 were given three weeks of massage
and then were trained to massage toddlers at the preschool. Giving mas-
sages proved even more beneficial than getting them. The elders exhibited

less depression, lower stress hormones, and less loneliness.

If you have any interest in mentoring, please call, fax, e-mail, and/or

write to me. I wish to connect those who have a heart for mentoring with
those who are in desperate need of being mentored. I am now offering train-
ing for these mentoring relationships. Through these activities, we will cre-

ate a national and international network of mentors. It is a win-win situa-

tion when our grandmothers and grandfathers mentor our youth. It gives

life to both. When the mentee heals, may then become a mentor for oth-
he
ers. The investment of the many men and women who loved me to health
has paid off manifold, as I have been able to share that love with others.

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 CHAPTER ELEVEN

Bonnie

H
give
ope has been
life, I

my “account for the hope

vital to me. In
have always had hope, and so
that
spite

is in
of the trauma and wounds in
I

me”
would
(I
like to share

Peter 3:15).
my
my story to

The word “lesbian” is only a seven-letter word. I read it for the first time

in Ann Landers’s newspaper column where I obtained much of my sex edu-

cation. I saw Ann’s words about women who loved each other, who had sex
together. Did this word describe me? I began to consider that possibility, to-

gether with the stigma and moral judgment surrounding this identity.
Lesbian. I didn’t adopt the title until age fifteen, but I am not certain
how old I was when I first realized I was uncomfortable as a girl. With one
brother five years older than I and the other only fourteen months my se-
nior, my conception was more than likely a mistake. Tagged along with
them, I became a “tomboy.”
My mother attended a world-renowned university and had a career in
a respected field. She didn’t enter the work force until I began school. I be-
came very close to her, very attached. My father was mechanically gifted,
but he never seemed as intelligent as she did. With a German upbringing,
he seldom showed signs of affection and love. He was a strict disciplinar-
ian who punished first and asked questions later. Whenever he spent time
at home, he was always busy with household repairs or other self-interests.

He seemed to care for my mother, and as long as she was happy, so was he.
My world changed when I was three. I experienced traumas that I

would repress for thirty years. My mother’s father died three days after my
 HEALING

third birthday. I barely remember it or him. In her grief, my mother with-

drew from me. I became very lonely. Most of my memories from that time

were nearly nonexistent.

Fortunately, I was exposed to a religious spirit as I grew up. Our entire

family attended church regularly, participating in many church activities

such as choirs. Vacation Bible School, and youth groups. In retrospect, I was
embracing a Christian attitude in order to please my parents and appease a
God whom I viewed as a formidable judge. Ffowever, I now realize this reli-

gious training provided me with knowledge of God which Ffe was able to
use as a springboard as He coaxed me into a personal relationship with Him.
As puberty approached, I was attracted to males on some level, while
at the same time I felt an inordinate interest in my girlfriends. There was
one to whom I felt unusually attracted, which worried me. It seemed ab-
normal, so I never told her how I felt; I was too afraid. Wanting to be with

her all the time, I desired affection from her. One night we slept together,

as normal teenage friends do. I took advantage of the situation when I

gently touched her breasts as she slept. It was electrifying, but left me with
feelings of guilt.
As I entered high school, I still experienced an attraction toward boys,
but I did not feel desirable to them. That only increased my lesbian feel-

ings. My first love was for a girl who was younger than I, who was lonely
and rejected by her peers. Although I never overtly sexualized my feelings
toward her, I spent inordinate amounts of time with her and enjoyed the
closeness and subtle touching. While sleeping at her house, I intensely
wanted to be sexual with her. She and her family moved away before those
feelings were acted upon.
My secret love and sexual feelings were mistakenly revealed to my par-
ents in a letter, which had been written to my friend after she moved. As a
result, they took me to see a psychologist who concluded it was a normal
developmental stage and said I would outgrow the attraction.

Emptiness was growing inside me, which brought feelings of confu-

sion, anger, fear, loneliness, and sorrow. I needed love and intimacy from
a woman. My determination to meet that need increased. During my ju-
nior year in high school, I met a girl my age who was starved for friend-
ship. I sensed that she would not reject me. She seemed a desperate soul,
someone who would do anything to get love. She did not resist my ad-
vances. I did not love her in the beginning, but as we continued to share

our lives and bodies, we became dependent on each other. When I left for

college, I had every intention of moving in with her after graduation.

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 BONNIE

Throughout the relationship, we were never free of guilt. She was active
in her church, as I was in mine. We knew the Scriptures, but we wanted
God to bless our love. I thought, if only I were a man, then it would be
okay. Our sexual intimacy was less satisfying as the relationship continued.
We met regularly, but had to keep the nature of our friendship a secret. I

often slept with her in her parents’ home, but many times we met in the

youth room in her church. We had sex in God’s house, committing such
blatant sin! I could not stand myself, yet I felt helpless, unable to stop.
We went to see my pastor, and we met with him for several weeks. He
never told us it was sin and he never condemned us, but he could see our
distress. He encouraged us to break off our relationship. To him, it was ob-
vious how unhealthy our behavior was, but we were so enmeshed, needy,
and addicted that we felt it was impossible to change.

A distance of 250 miles separated my lover and me when college

started. I tried repeatedly to end the relationship, but could not. Although
it was immoral and socially unacceptable, I wasn’t ready to give her up. I

was miserable and contemplated suicide.

Members of a religious group on campus. Inter- Varsity Christian Fel-

lowship, befriended me. They saw my knowledge of religion and my hun-

gry heart. They confronted me, picking up on my lack of commitment,
and challenged me to accept Jesus, not just as my Savior, but as Lord of
my life. They questioned “why I was unwilling to take that step of faith.”
With anger and hurt, I explained that I was a lesbian. Knowing how
God felt about homosexual behavior, I would not make a commitment I
could not keep. They did not condemn or judge me as I had anticipated.
What I had not foreseen was their faith in God and compassion. One of
them suggested that I truly tell God how I felt.

In a Roman Catholic church in January 1973, 1 challenged God to do

something With, my screwed-up life. I did not know what I wanted or what
to do. I could not change my identity or my feelings. I felt unacceptable
to Him. If He did not act, I was going to end my life. I knelt at the altar,
and when I got up, something had changed. I felt peaceful.
My lover and I finally did stop seeing each other when our parents in-
tervened. I did not love her enough to defy them, nor was I willing to sac-
rifice my education. I wasn’t prepared at that point to commit to a lesbian

lifestyle. It was a painful time, but the relationship had to die. Since that

time, I have had very few lesbian encounters.

Unfortunately, my feelings of emptiness did not go away. I still wanted
intimacy with women yet feared it because of the sexual feelings that it

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 HEALING

stirred. My roommate was a Christian, and I had a terrible struggle with

my feelings for her. I expressed some of them and she was very kind and
loving. She did not reject me, nor did she give in to my pressuring her to

have sex; however, those desires did not go away. I chose obedience to God
because I knew what He expected.
I continued to grow in faith, and my relationship with the Lord got
stronger, but I was not willing to completely give up my lesbianism. It

went on in my fantasies about women. Since I was not acting out, I felt

less guilty. I was beginning to accept God’s forgiveness and to perceive

Him as loving.

my senior year, I met the man who is now my husband. We felt that
In
God brought us together, but I did not tell him of my struggle or my past.
We married, and homosexuality was behind me or so I thought. —
Our marriage was good. My husband and I were active in our church
and shared nightly devotionals. Although I had not acted out sexually, the

lesbian thoughts never went away. I fantasized from time to time, but I

never intended to commit adultery, to hurt my husband, and to be dis-

obedient to God. My husband was faithful. He treated me well. There

were no reasons for my looking for another relationship.
After sixteen years, I met a woman at work and felt tremendously at-

tracted to her. I thought I was falling in love with her. I went to her home
and asked how she felt about me. We both cried, and she told me she was
not in love with me. She was sorry for any signals that I may have misin-
terpreted. It was humiliating. It hurt very deeply. I had risked so much for

her, and she rejected me. I was so depressed, I cried daily. I could not keep
these problems from my husband any longer. I needed help.
Graciously, he did not leave or respond in anger. Fortunately, since my
coworker and I did not become sexual, it was easier for him to forgive. I

continued to work in the same office with her, and it was very difficult to

get over what happened. I went to see my pastor, knowing that in essence,
I had a spiritual problem. Why was I willing to turn my back on God?
After all these years of striving for obedience to Him and choosing to be

faithful to my husband, what had gone awry? I wondered if I would ever

feel at peace. He referred me to a counselor.

After six months in counseling, I reached a point of stability. My ther-

apist told me I could stop our sessions, but I needed answers about my les-
bianism. Why had it developed? I knew that I did not choose the feelings,
nor did I think they were inborn. I continued therapy and talked about
my childhood.

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 BONNIE

I did some writing, and one week I shared some things about my
mother. When he asked who else the writing described, I thought he
meant me. I saw myself as much like her, but he said the name of the
coworker to whom I had been so attracted. Then I understood. I had not
seen it before. Indeed, she was much like my mother, only more attractive
and affectionate. I had never perceived the connection between my rela-

tionship with my mother and my lesbianism. I had assumed it was related

to my distant father and how I never felt appreciated by him.
I also wrote of an experience that occurred between my mother and me
when I was about eight years old. I expressed it much feeling, not-
without
ing only that it was “weird.” Minimizing it, I denied how damaging it was.
My counselor asked me how I would feel if she had done the same thing
to my brother. I had to admit that my own mother had sexually abused
me. I wanted to die. Nothing could have been worse.
I worked with two other therapists over the next four years and was
once hospitalized in a mental-health unit. More memories surfaced when
my mother sold her home, the house where I grew up. I began to under-
stand that I had been used by her and was reenacting that abuse with other
women. Seeking to be in control instead of being used, I wanted to please

and satisfy. I sought the perfect woman who would love me, like my
mother had before the abuse began.
My struggle was not the result of problems in my marriage. My hus-
band had not pushed me away or failed to love me. My temptation to be

unfaithful was not due to any hurts inflicted by him. It was about pain
that was deep inside me long before we ever met.
When I was in college and accepted Christ as Lord, I changed my con-
duct. I remained faithful to Him, but there was no healing. I was stuck in

a place of pain. I had to ask difficult questions and trust God to help me
live with the answers.
Tears still come easily as I mourn my losses. For so many years, I felt

there was something terribly wrong with me. Why didn’t my mother love
me as I wanted to be loved? I learned that it was her problem. She was
wounded and unable to love me as I needed. She made horrible decisions
and used me to fulfill her needs. There was nothing that I had done which
caused her to treat me as she did.
I my history with a few women whom I felt I could trust. I con-
shared
tinued meeting with my minister and receiving my husband’s encourage-
ment. I joined a support group for child-abuse survivors, which built my
self-esteem. It was helpful to know there were others who understood my

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emotions. I learned about EXODUS International, the support group for

persons who are seeking help for changing their same-sex attractions.
Hearing a former lesbian’s testimony was very freeing, and it gave me
hope. Unfortunately, there were no local support groups in my area that
dealt with homosexuality from the perspective of change.
I was trying to satisfy legitimate needs for nurturance from women,
and that was not sinful. God to meet those needs in healthy ways,
Trusting
I could be healed. More willing to accept my human frailty, I then under-
stood that much of my identity was based on lies and misperceptions. I

asked God to make me willing (to be willing) to forsake my longing for a

lesbian relationship, and prayed that He replace it with a true desire to
love Him and to depend on my heart.
Him to fill the hole in
I read books like Elizabeth Moberly’s Homosexuality: A New Christian
Ethic, and Joe Dallas’s Desires in Conflict. Both brought enormous insight
about the way I thought and behaved. I learned about defensive detach-
ments and the reparative drive. God did not condemn me for having feel-
ings that I did not choose. He asked for my obedience that I would not
act out, while seeking healthy ways to meet my needs. He wanted me to
trust Him.
I faced my past and stood in the presence of God. Throughout my re-
covery, I was praying, reading Scripture, attending worship, and stead-
fastly seeking His will and guidance. I started accepting myself as a
unique child of God. My depression lifted, and I wanted to tell others
what God had done. By sharing my testimony, I could offer hope to other
strugglers. There could be healing and change; we do not have to remain
in homosexuality.

Yet I could not be truly affectionate with women. I was ill-at-ease and
inhibited in my ability to love them. I just accepted that I could never get
too close. When wanted to help my women friends by giving a comfort-
I

ing touch, I would respond, but it was always with some coolness. I also

longed for a motherly woman to truly nurture me, but was resigned to the
fact that it could never be. That kind of relationship presented too many
conflicting feelings.
In the winter of 1998, I began sharing with a woman whose son is liv-

ing a homosexual lifestyle. We had become friends a year before that. She
heard me speak of my losses and need. She opened her heart and told me
she felt God wanted her to help me to heal if I was willing. She under-
stood my need for nonerotic, deep affection and love, k seemed too good
to be true. God knew my longing, and He touched my heart. I am learn-

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 BONNIE

ing to love, as He wants me to love, without fear or pretense.

It was very painful sharing my story with her. I learned that I had to

expose my sexual thoughts to her, even if they were about her. As shame-
ful as that is, they need to be revealed and brought into the light so that I

do not get stuck in them. It is excruciating when I have let her into the
deep, dark places of my soul. She has been God’s agent. I feel God’s love
pouring through her into me. When she embraces me, I feel as though
God is embracing us both. We pray together. We keep the relationship
open, honest, and free of manipulation.
The struggle to resist sexual temptation is not nearly as arduous as per-

mitting her to love me! When she asks if I want to be held, I have four op-
tions: 1)1 can run away in fear; 2) I can regress into sexual fantasy; 3) I

can tell her no, I don’t want to be held (but that would probably be a lie);

or 4) I can accept the genuine, nonsexual love she offers. Usually, it is an

effort to respond in the healthiest way.
Recently, I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to stop initiating physical con-
tact with her. I had to allow her to minister to me, and to do so without
reciprocating. It was extremely difficult to allow her to comfort me with
touch, to feel it and to let it in. I am finding that as God gives me the
courage to press on, I can find a peace that is more satisfying than any sex-
ual encounter. God knew my need, my true longings, and He answered in
ways beyond my imagination. He has provided a spiritual mother who is
replenishing many of the things stolen during my childhood. In many re-
spects, she loves me more than my own mother was capable of doing.

Mentoring has been a vital part of my journey. It has come at the end
of the process. I had to be at a place of obedience where I was consistently
choosing not to act out my sexual thoughts and where my heart was at-
tuned to God. I need to listen to His direction and be willing to obey. I

feel as though He is putting His “finishing touches” on me. It is enabling

me to love others, to be affectionate with women, to minister to them
with healing touches without fear, without reservation. My faith is matur-
ing, my heart is more open to God. My marriage has improved. I am
and
less demanding of my husband and more receptive and open to him. I am

more comfortable with my identity. There is still work to be done, but

hope lives in me as I am recreated in God’s image.

Comment
Bonnie received help from other therapists before contacting me. She at-

tended a presentation I gave on the healing of homosexuality. During the

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talk, I shared about the mentoring model to restore love. Since then, I

have been supervising her in this mentoring relationship.

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 CHAPTER TWELVE

Mentoring:
Restoring Love

“A boy cannot change into a man without the active intervention of the older
>A
men.

— Rituals ofManhood

Why Mentoring?
Anyone who did not experience successful attachment, love, and intimacy
with either Father and/or Mother seeks to heal these needs in other rela-
tionships or activities. Mentoring is a means whereby one may restore the
parent-child relationship, but may also be employed to heal other rela-

tionships, i.e., with siblings, relatives, and friends.

“Many of the here-and-now conflicts people have with their spouses,

lovers, ex-lovers, bosses, partners or children are in part emotional reen-
actments of suppressed feelings stored from incidents that happened when
they were children. The same unresolved conflicts they had with their par-
ents always seem to mysteriously reappear in their adult relationships.”^

Intimacy is at the core of our being. The central core principle of the

universe is the parent-child relationship, and the place where we learn to

be intimate with others and ourselves is the family. Unless one experiences
this core love between parent and child, developmental tasks will remain
 HEALING

unfulfilled and growth arrested. Deep restoration of the parent-child rela-

tionship is essential for successful growth and maturation in love.

Mentoring is an attachment model whereby two people participate in

a relationship mirroring the parent-child paradigm. One acts as the par-

ent, called the mentor, and the other acts as the child, called the “adult-

child.” Parents are in the position of God to their children. Father is Mr.
God, and Mother is Mrs. God. Because parents are like “gods” to their

child, the child will always self-blame even when the parents are at fault.
If a parent gets drunk and screams at the child, if a parent dies, if there is

divorce in the family, if a parent is negligent and does not spend time with
the child, if a parent is overly critical and verbally abusive, the child will
blame himself for these events. He will say internally, “If only I had been
a better son, this wouldn’t have happened. It’s all my fault.” Of course, he
buries these messages deep in the unconscious because he has had to adopt
a variety of defense mechanisms to survive and cope with the pain.
To restore past wounds, healing needs to take place between the
adult-child and the internalized parent. For this model to be effective,
first, the adult-child must become aware of his inner child. He must
begin a program of self-parenting. Otherwise, the adult-child will be-
come excessively dependent, or codependent, on the mentor. This is very
dangerous, because the mentor will never be able to satisfy all the needs
of the adult-child.
Before establishing this mentoring relationship, be sure the adult-child
is well underway with a program of self-parenting his inner child. Fur-

thermore, I recommend the adult-child have at least three mentors. If the

adult-child is working on healing his father wound, there should be at
least three men in the father’s position. If there is only one mentor, he will
easily become exhausted. Also, when one of the mentors is unavailable to
meet the adult-child’s needs, generally at least one of the other two will be
available. Pastors, rabbis, and other clergy, please have three families in
your congregation mentor each overcomer.
Another caution: Make sure that all partners or spouses of the partici-
pants, both adult-child and mentors, are fully aware of this mentoring re-

lationship. Without the spouses’ support and understanding, do not

participate in such a mentoring relationship. It is important for all in-

volved to be accountable for their actions. If the adult-child is in therapy,

it is important to keep the therapist informed about all healing activities.
If the adult-child is not in therapy, there needs to be some system of ac-
countability, with a pastor, minister, rabbi, or spiritual hientor. Do not try

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to manage things alone. Inevitably, there will be many questions along the
way. Get help and support. Isolation = Death.
If the adult-child was sexually abused or participated in sexual rela-

tionships with the same or opposite sex, he may experience sexual feelings
and desires for the mentor. Restoration works in reverse to the way in

which the original wounding occurred. Therefore, to reach the deeper

feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, frustration, and pain, the adult-child may
first experience sexual desires for the mentor. In some instances, the adult-

childmay even try to seduce the mentor. Do not be alarmed. This is a very
good sign! The inner child is merely testing the mentor, unconsciously
saying, “Can I trust you not to take advantage of me, or will you use me
like all the other men/women in my life?” Therefore, it is critical for the
mentor to be grounded in his gender identity and sexuality.

The mentor will need to assure the adult-child that he would never
sexualize him, that his love is pure and he only wants the adult-child to
heal and feel genuine love. In this way, the adult-child will finally feel free

to uncover the feelings he has buried alive. Only new love, learning to

trust others, grieving, and making new choices will restore his heart and
his wounded child(ren) within.
In my course of mentoring, I tested each one of the men who men-
tored me. My inner child thought that since I suffered sexual abuse at a
young age and acted out in homosexual relationships, I had to offer sex to
receive affection. Therefore, when I became close to my mentors, sexual
feelings emerged, and I propositioned each one of them. I asked them if

they wanted to be serviced by me. My inner boy needed to know if they

were safe or not. If I had received an affirmative response from any one of
them, I would have been out the door. However, to their credit, each of
them reassured me that they only desired to see me heal and give me the
pure love of God. What a relief it was to hear those words, and each time
I heard them, it broke my heart open a little more. To establish trust in a
relationship, we need to share our “truth” with the other person and not
be judged. In this atmosphere, we will eventually experience the love we so
desperately need to feel.

This mentoring model is useful to heal both homo-emotional and

hetero-emotional relationships. Men can mentor men and women, and
women can mentor women and men.
Again, the best mentors are the parents of the adult-child. It will save

much time if Mom and Dad are available, capable, and willing to

go through this reprocessing with their son/daughter. If the parents are

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unavailable, incapable, or unwilling, it is important that they not partici-

pate in this process, as it would further wound the adult-child.

Regardless of the mentor, the adult-child will move through three de-
velopmental stages: dependence, independence, and interdependence.
First, the adult-child will be dependent on the mentor, making up for lost

time to fulfill unmet needs. After healing his wounds and internalizing the
mentors love, he will gain a sense of independence. Finally, he will learn
interdependence, when he can stand on his own feet and when he needs
help from others.
A particular difficulty for men is sharing their feelings, being emotion-
ally intimate.Women are generally more able to express their feelings and
establish eye contact. Men are more activity-centered, not emotionally

centered. Men learn very early in life that it is socially unacceptable to ex-
press their feelings. Another reason is the physiology of the male. They are
prone to cut off because of their physiology. Emotional arousal is more
punishing on the male system due to their hormones; consequently, they
learn to cut off and shut down from an early age.^

A man dealing with same-sex attractions may be more in touch with

his emotional side. This presents a particular challenge for male mentors.
It may be easier for the mentor to involve the adult-child in bonding ritu-

als, such as sports, hiking, and fishing. However, it may be extremely dif-

ficult for him to share his feelings, accept the feelings of the adult-child,

and give the gift of healthy touch. This will be a challenge for both parties.
The may have to coach the mentor about his specific needs for
adult-child
intimacy and touch. The mentor needs to realize that beyond the adult
body lies the heart of a wounded child who never experienced, or experi-
enced insufficiently, his father’s love. The male mentor will hold the adult-
child the same way and ways in which he would hold his own son.
Some have asked me about skin touch with their mentors, such as tak-
ing off shirts. Healthy, nonerotic relationships are modeled after family
relationships: father/son, mother/daughter, brother/brother, sister/sister,

uncle/nephew, aunt/niece, grandfather/grandson, grandmother/grand-

daughter (all healthy same-sex family relationships). Just ask yourself,
“Would my actions fit within the boundaries of any of these relationships?”
If the answer is no, do not do it. If the answer is yes, proceed. Also, the

mentor and adult-child can think: “What is age-appropriate behavior?

What developmental stage is the adult-child moving through at this time?”

There needs to be a system of accountability, both for the mentor and

the adult-child. A spouse, pastor, rabbi, or counselor are good choices for

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either party involved in the mentoring relationship. I suggest the mentors

and therapist/ spiritual advisor meet regularly (biweekly or monthly at the

least) to share, support one another, ask questions, and monitor growth.
I have seen this relationship be a blessing not only for the adult-child
but for the mentor as well. Through giving, we receive blessing, and by
sharing in another person’s healing, we ourselves learn and grow. This re-
lationship will teach the mentor many things about himself It will help
stretch his abilities to understand another person’s pain and how to be a

more compassionate man.

Cautions: The therapist or counselor should not be the mentor. The thera-
pist may help train mentors; however, it is ill-advisedfor him to stand in as
the mentor.

Several of the men I have worked with have tried to mentor each other.

It cannot work for the simple reason that homosexual relationships do not
work —you cannot give what you have not experienced or received. Two
minuses do not equal a plus. They will eventually create a bigger minus!
Nemo Dat Quod Non Habet.

Roles and Responsibilities of the Mentor

The mentor, representing the father or mother, must maintain his or her

position at all times. It is never appropriate for the mentor to cross the
parent-child boundary. Let me give an example.
I saw an episode of the TV series. Picket Fences. A beautiful model had
come to town to film a TV commercial. During her stay, became abun- it

dantly clear to the sheriff that her manager-husband was physically and
mentally abusing her. The sheriff expressed his concern for her and sug-
gested she leave this unhealthy relationship. He took a very parental attitude
toward her. She immediately started coming on to him. Her inner child was
desperately looking for Daddy’s love, which is how she ended up in such an
abusive relationship, obviously mirroring her experience with her father.
What she wanted was for the sheriff to maintain his proper position
as a true father, embracing her with unconditional love. Her inner child
was longing for a daddy who would love her for who she was, not for
what she did or how she looked. What she got was a broken man’s love,

as he responded to her sexual advances and they passionately kissed. Re-

alizing that he had crossed the line, a married man himself, he pulled
back and apologized.

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What he neglected to see was that a broken adult-child stood before

him, crying out for healthy Daddy’s love. Instead of maintaining his proper
position, instead of seeing a broken little girl in an adult body, he crossed
the line and destroyed the relationship.

It is imperative for the mentor to always keep his proper position. Be-
cause of neglect and physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, it may be neces-
sary for the adult-child to test the mentor on numerous occasions, to see

if his love is genuine or fake. Only then will he feel safe enough to let

down his guard. For when he attempted to be close to his father, or mas-
culine role model, he experienced or perceived some deep rejection, and
then he detached. In the process of reattachment, the pain will emerge
when the individual experiences intimacy. Therefore, he may reject the

mentor before letting go and opening up.

Dr. Patricia Love states, “When you long for something, it becomes a
source of pain. Therefore, getting what you want is painful. We’re not pre-

pared for that. If I long to be touched and I hunger to be touched, I will

actually resist your touching me.

“For years, I longed to be touched. I knew I was touched-deprived.
From an early age, I didn’t get enough touching ... so I came into adult-
hood with this need for touching, this longing for touch. But there was
also a resistance to touch because getting what you want is painful. You
have to have the maturity to live through the pain, that bittersweet expe-
rience of getting what you want.
“Touching is so elementary to our existence. If you don’t get touched
when you are an infant, you die. It’s not an option. You have to have tac-
tile stimulation to survive. As an adult, you don’t need it to survive, but

you need it to thrive. It is such an important element to be touched that

when you get touched, you often get in touch with the grief experience of
not having it. That’s the way it is with anything you’ve longed for.”"^

Four areas need to be addressed in the process of mentoring: 1) Break

down the walls of detachment; 2) Develop healthy patterns in relation-
ships (socialization); 3) Re-educate neurology with healthy touch and ac-

tivities; and 4) Connect with God, self, and healthy parenting.

To keep the relationship centered, it is necessary to establish the roles
and responsibilities of the mentor:

• Offering unconditional love

The mentor will need to offer nurturance, support, encouragement, and

affection without any feelings or thoughts of sexual involvement. It is im-

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portant that the adult-child experience parental love without the fear of
sex entering into the relationship. If the mentor begins to experience sex-
ual feelings toward the adult-child, he must center himself and refocus his

attention to give pure love to the adult-child. He may bring the energy up
from his genital area into his heart, maintaining his position as the father.

Later, if he still feels bad, he may share his confused feelings with either his
spouse or another accountability partner. The mentor should never share
his sexual feelings (if he should have any) with the adult-child. This would
violate the parent-child relationship, parentifying the child. He must
show the adult-child the same love he would give to his own son or daugh-
ter. Even though the adult-child is older, his inner child still longs for the
love yet unobtained from his original parent. (Note: It is natural for us to
feel stimulation when we are intimate with either someone of the same or
opposite sex.)
The mentor needs to be Mr. KYMS — Keep Your Mouth Shut. Do not
be quick to “fix” the adult-child or offer advice. Listening is sometimes the
greatest gift we can give to another. Some of the positive qualities of the

mentor will be compassion, empathy, a nonjudgmental attitude, and

encouragement.

• Affirmation, approval, and education

Affirmation is the act of nurturing the human spirit, loving the child un-
conditionally. Affirmations infuse the child with a sense of value, belong-
ing, and competency. To create this sense of value, the mentor may hold,
touch, hug, kiss, love, play with, and invite the child into his world. To
create the sense of belonging, the mentor may accept the adult-child’s of-

fers for help, ask for his help, ask for his opinions, express appreciation for
his efforts, share responsibilities, and offer him help. To create the sense of

competency, the mentor may teach skills, encourage self-reliance, provide

opportunities for learning, avoid too much criticism, accept mistakes, and
show interest in his knowledge.^
Approval has to do with the child’s behavior. Sometimes the adult-child’s

behavior may displease the mentor. It is important to teach the adult-child

social skills, what is and is not acceptable.may act inappro-
The adult-child
priately because he did not learn basic life skills about how to express

thoughts, feelings, and needs in healthy, positive ways. He may also need
coaching in how to regulate his feelings and modify his behavior. Many who
experience the SSAD condition need help in learning self-discipline.
It is critical for the mentor to always affirm the adult-child’s feelings;

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however, he may not always approve of the adult-child’s behavior. The

mentor must be sure make a clear distinction between approval and
to

affirmation. This may be a new experience for the adult-child not to have —
love withdrawn when he makes a mistake. The mentor needs to teach the
adult-child that he always loves him, even when disapproving of his behav-
ior. “I don’t like it when you ,” and “I love you no matter what.”
. . .

Help shy ones come out of themselves, and help extroverts go within. Pos-
by Dr. Jane Nelsen, The Heart of Parenting by Dr. John
itive Discipline

Gottman, and Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay are
useful guidelines on how to lovingly discipline and educate your adult-child.

• Setting boundaries

The adult-child may want the mentor’s attention twenty-four hours a day,
seven days a week! His needs may be great, so it is very important for both
the mentor and the adult-child to set clear boundaries and guidelines from
the onset of the relationship. Get together and discuss what is and is not
acceptable for both parties. A good book to help in this area is Boundaries,
by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
They will need to negotiate times to meet throughout the week. They
might want to make a commitment to get together on certain days for a spe-

cific period of time. For example, they may decide to meet on Wednesday
evenings from 7:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. and Sundays from 2:00 pm. to 5:00 pm.
They may negotiate times to speak on the telephone. The mentor
must let the adult-child know what are the proper times to call. For ex-

ample, the mentor might say, “You can call me between the hours of 6:00
AM. and midnight. Please don’t call after 12 or before 6 in the morning.”
Also, the mentor needs to make clear boundaries about the adult-child
him at work.
calling

The mentor must inform the adult-child what he can and cannot give.
The mentor must keep his word and not make promises that he cannot or
will not fulfill. He must not say one thing and be or do another. This will
exacerbate the defensive detachments (emotional blocks toward the origi-
nal parent). It is very important to set clear boundaries and never make
unrealistic promises. Keep commitments.

• Activities

There number of things the mentor might do with his adult-child, as

are a

he would with his own son. Some examples are listening, holding, taking
walks, playing sports, going to a game, seeing a movie, teaching a skill.

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and going camping or fishing. The mentor provides for the adult-child
what he missed in early childhood and adolescence.

Holding/Touch
As parents, we hold our children from the moment they are born. We nes-
tle them close to our bosom, allowing them to feel our heart, to feel pro-

tected and secure. This same holding position is useful in the mentoring
relationship (see the photos on this page and the next). While holding, the
mentor must maintain a vertical position while the adult-child maintains
a horizontal position. This way, the adult-child will feel safe and experi-
ence pure love. Think of keeping a 90 -degree angle: The mentor position
is vertical, connected to God, and the adult-child position is horizontal,
receiving Gods love.

In this holding position, the adult-child places his arms underneath

the arms of the mentor, completely around the mentor s back. This clearly

establishes the parent-child relationship. If one of the adult-child’s arms is

above and around the shoulder of the mentor, it creates more of a mutual
relationship.

The mentor, in the parental position, holds the adult-child as s/he would his or

his own son/daughter. S/he may speak loving words of affirmation, “You are
strong, powerful, and whole. 1 love you and accept you just as you are.”

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Holden

Peter

by
Photo

Here is an exercise you might try. While the mentor holds the adult-
child, he says, “Allow yourself to experience the warm and safe touch of
your father/mother (whichever is the appropriate gender). Please close
your eyes and imagine you are being held by the father/mother you always
wanted and needed. You can also imagine a spiritual mentor is holding
you (Jesus, Mary, Moses, or any other spiritual mentor), pouring God’s
pure love into your heart.” To create a more conducive atmosphere, you
may also play beautiful music in the background. Simply hold your adult-
child as you would your own son or daughter.
Touch is essential for proper physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual
growth. “Above all else, it seems to me that it is our role as human beings
always to join learning to loving-kindness. Learning to learn, learning to
love, and to be kind are so closely interconnected and so profoundly in-

terwoven, especially with the sense of touch, it would greatly help toward
our rehumanization if we would pay closer attention to the need we all

have for tactual experience.”^

In his book. Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin, Montagu
quotes study after study, describing the damaging effects on animals and
humans as a result of touch deprivation or inappropriate touch. Skin is the
largest organ in the body. Without proper care and maintenance, the child

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will not grow into a healthy, mature, loving adult. Montagu demonstrates
that proper touch enhances all bodily systems. Scientists have observed in
both human and animal studies that handling in the early days after birth

results in significantly greater weight gain, more activity, less fearfulness,

greater ability to withstand stress, and greater resistance to physiological

damage.^ Touch enhances all bodily systems, including the respiratory, cir-

culatory, digestive, eliminative, nervous, endocrine, and immune systems.

Inadequate stimulation creates numerous disorders like respiratory prob-
lems, weakened immune systems, fearfulness, and psychological problems.
Numerous studies show that infants die without touch during their first

few years of life. “During the nineteenth century more than half the infants
[in orphanages] in their first year of life regularly died from a disease called
marasmus, a Greek word meaning wasting away’ As late as the second
decade of the twentieth century, the death rate for infants under one year
of age in various foundling institutions throughout the United States was
nearly 100 percent.”^ It was found that these children were placed in cribs

and not touched except for changing. Without tender loving care, not only
will the child not grow, but even die, perhaps not physically, but psycho-
logically and spiritually. “To be tender, loving, and caring, human beings
must be tenderly loved and cared for in their earliest years, from the mo-
ment they are born.”^ It is essential for the mentor to provide healthy touch
experiences for the adult-child, always separating love, intimacy, and sex.
A warning for both the mentor and adult-child about the holding tech-
nique: Do not become hooked on holding. This technique can be addictive
for the adult-child, preventing him from experiencing his pain. First the
crapy and then the lap! Pull the weeds, then plant the seeds of intimacy and
love. When an individual is being held, endorphins are released, immedi-
ately creating a pleasurable sensation. This also strengthens his immune
system. However, because it feels so good, he may suppress the unpleasant
feelings. Therefore, the adult-child should first be encouraged to express his
feelings and be held afterwards. Remember, first the crap, and then the lap.

On the other hand, there are those who are quite out of touch with
their feelings. For them, I look at holding as priming water. To get water
from a well, you must first put in some water. This is the priming water.
Even after you put the priming water in the well, you still need to pump
for quite a while. The same may hold true for those who are emotionally
dry. It may take some time, much holding, and a lot of patience before
you strike a feeling!

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Bonnie, whose story you read about in the previous chapter, shares
more about her mentoring experience:

About eight years ago, I became attracted to a coworker, and al-

though I did not feel that my marriage was bad, there was some-
thing inside that screamed for her attention. After she rejected my
sexual interest, I was very depressed, almost suicidal, and went into
therapy. In counseling, I learned about the roots of my lesbianism
and gained more of a sense of identity. I was able to take responsi-

bility for what was mine and try not to blame myself for those

things that were not my fault. I recovered memories of early child-

hood sexual abuse perpetrated by my own mother. It was devastat-
ing. It still hurts a great deal, and it still complicates my life. My
same-sex attractions have diminished greatly, and I can give myself
a break when I do resort to fantasy and old patterns, but I know
there is more healing for me. I want to get over my fear of emo-
tional closeness with other women. I denied myself any kind of af-
fection from them because of that fear. It was either don’t touch, or

have an orgasm —not much in between. I loved being hugged, yet

felt terror at the same time. Ambivalence is an ongoing issue.

My mentor has been working with me, trying to help me since

1998. I knew her for about a year before that, and I almost could
not believe that she was serious about this. For me, it is work. I

sometimes feel sexual, confusion, fear, ambivalence, discourage-

ment, frustration, yet hopeful, and sometimes even loved. When
she hugs me, I can feel her in my arms, but I don’t often feel her
arms around me. I covet her hugs, it feels really good, and it’s be-
ginning to feel safe, yet I feel uncertain. I have not wavered. I do
not want a lesbian experience with her, at least not for the most
part. Yet there are times when being sexual with her is a strong

temptation, even though it is not what she wants. I feel frustrated

in not being able to express my love for her in a sexual way. It is al-

most as though I don’t know other ways to convey love to her. It

seems kind of crazy to me. I believe God is working in this rela-

tionship to bring healing into my life, and already I am seeing ben-

efits, as I am able to hug other women who need it without feeling
shamed inside.

Through this mentoring relationship, Bonnie is learning intimacy with-

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out sexuality. This is a very difficult process for anyone who has been sex-

ually abused or experienced much sexual activity in adolescence and/or

adulthood. However, it works if one keeps working through the feelings.

I know, because I have been there myself and come through the other side.

• Perceiving the adult-child in a variety of ways

Of course, the mentor will love the adult-child for who he is, and the
mentor may also see this relationship symbolically. For example, if the
mentor has ever abused or neglected someone, such as a son, daughter,

brother, sister, or friend, he can imagine that he is holding that person and
restoring his past failed relationship. The mentor might also imagine that
he is holding his own inner child and giving him that which he never re-
ceived by reparenting himself
If any of this seems far-fetched, in truth it is not. In each one of our
backgrounds —and I mean past generations —we have offended multi-
tudes of people. Therefore, it is our privilege and blessing to be able to give
back and restore the countless number of mistakes and abuses our ances-
tors performed.
The mentor should not try tO' “fix” the adult-child when he is in pain.
The best gift the mentor can give is just “being there” and learning to be a
good listener. Most of us do not want advice when we are in pain. We just
need a safe space and a sympathetic witness to be there as we ride through
the gamut of our emotions. Be empathic and compassionate sans judgment.
Everyone has an ability to self-heal. This mechanism works best when
in the presence of another human being. This makes it safe for the adult-

child to go through the necessary stages of grieving core pain. “Core pain”
is the original wounding that took place in utero, infancy, childhood, or
adolescence.

• Repenting as the abusive or neglectful parent

At times, the technique of role-play is useful. The mentor apologizes as the

abusive or neglectful parent, saying, “I am sorry I didn’t take care of you. I’m
sorry I left: you. Would you please forgive me? I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

This is a powerful tool to assist the adult-child in reexperiencing the

repressed pain and begin the essential process of grieving. The mentor
then takes the position of the repentant parent/perpetrator, giving the
adult-child the love he never received. Do not fake it if you cannot make
it real. The adult-child will know if you are insincere.

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• Communication

It is important for the mentor to show affection and concern for the adult-
child. For example, if the mentor knows that the adult-child is in pain or

just went through a painful experience, he might give the adult-child a call.

Please speak to the adult-child with verbal affirmations: “I love you.” “You
are a bright, handsome man.” “You are powerful and strong.” “I believe in

you.” The adult-child needs infusions of positive messages, replacing the

negative circuitry, developing a positive self-image. The mentor must be
sensitive to the particular needs of the adult-child. If the adult-child comes
to the mentor in crisis or has strong sexual desires and wants to act out, the

mentor might coach him using the HALT technique (see chapter 6).

• Prayer

The mentor may pray for the adult-child, that he can experience his in-
herent value, break down the barriers that prevent growth, and blossom
into full maturity. The mentor may pray for guidance as to what the adult-
child needs. He may also pray for the adult-child to uncover the root
causes of his problems and for God’s love to heal his broken heart. He may
also ask for the right kind of love to give the adult-child.

Roles and Responsibilities of the Adult-Child

As stated earlier, if the adult-child has experienced any abuse, neglect, or
trauma in early childhood or adolescence and has not successfully
resolved these feelings, healing and reconciliation are imperative for suc-

cessful functioning as an adult. The issues of sex, love, and intimacy

infused with guilt, shame, and fear are at the core of human difficulties.

Within the context of mentoring, these issues will necessarily emerge.

Passive-aggressive, love-hate, and enmeshment-abandonment issues and
behaviors will become a daily diet for the parent-child rebonding process.
Healing self-doubt, self-blame, and low self-worth will also occur.
The following are some of the roles and responsibilities of the person
in the adult-child’s position:

• Expressing needs

As much as possible, the adult-child must learn to express his thoughts,

feelings, and needs to the mentor. He must not repress or suppress. He
must express! Perhaps during infancy, childhood, or adolescence, the

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adult-child experienced shame for expressing himself. Therefore, it is ex-

tremely difficult for him to feel safety in sharing his feelings, thoughts,

and needs in present relationships. The adult-child must learn to take

risks, be honest, and express himself freely. He deserves love.

• Falling in love

The adult-child may fall in love with the mentor. This is normal and
healthy. If the adult-child experienced sexualization by the original parent

or another perpetrator and/or had many sexual experiences in adolescence

or adulthood, then sexual feelings and desires will naturally emerge for the
mentor. He should simply share these feelings and thoughts. Be straight
and be clear.

“One prominent Christian therapist has stated that he has not had a
male homosexual with whom he has worked Tall in love’ with him with-
out becoming free of his homosexual struggle. It takes courage to trust
your own values and self-control in order to offer a loving noneroticized

relationship. After the adult-child works through infatuation and sex-

ual feelings, then the core pain will emerge.

• Breaking through the defense detachments

As a result of the original wounds, the individual constructed walls of pro-

tection around his heart to keep the perpetrator from getting in. The
adult-child defends himself against attachment with people of the same
sex when the source of wounding was the same-sex parent or a significant
person of the same sex. The adult-child defends himself against attach-
ment with people of the opposite sex if the source of wounding was the
opposite-sex parent or significant person of the opposite sex.
He constructed defensive shields for survival and protection. However,
those defensive structures are no longer necessary in present-day relation-
ships. Without reexperiencing the original pain and grieving through the
repressed emotions, the walls will never come down. Therefore, the deep-
est phase of mentoring will occur when the adult-child feels safe enough to

let go and simply grieve in the presence of the mentor. Tears cried in bed
alone late at night will never heal the pain that led to mistrust, guilt, shame,
fear, blame, and low self-worth. Core pain will be healed in the context of
loving, nonerotic relationships of trust. Through the mentoring relation-

ship, the defensive barriers will crumble and bonding will occur.

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 HEALING
• Forgiveness

Forgiveness is like a period at the beginning and end of a very long sen-
tence. First, it is a decision of the mind, a choice to let go of blame and re-

sentment. Second, it is the result of the heart, naturally emerging after the
process of grieving. Grieving may not take only one or two sessions. It

may take days, months, or years. Forgiveness will occur in stages. As the
individual sheds layers of pain surrounding his heart, he will experience
forgiveness in each stage of grieving (like peeling away layers of an onion).
There is a big distance between forgiving in the mind, because it is the
right thing to do, and forgiving in the heart, because now the adult-child
feels and experiences freedom from pain.
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean the painful feelings go away.
One can still feel the effects of the painful experience and forgive at the
same time. Forgiveness is lifting away the veil of blame and shame. This
comes about by assigning proper responsibility to each individual in-

volved in the original experience or wounding. It also comes about natu-

rally after intense grieving has taken place. What I experienced in my
mentoring relations while working through the emotional incest of my
mother and sexual abuse of my uncle was that self-blame lay at the bottom
of my pain. I believed that my uncle loved me, then sexually abused me.
After working through the pain of his violating my boundaries and my
love, I discovered that I blamed myself, and I blamed God for not pro-

tecting me. Who is God to a child? God is our parents, the visible mani-
festation of the invisible Creator. So, standing behind God were my par-
ents who did not protect me.
Memory healing or healing of memories is very helpful in relieving
deep wounds. Profound and life-changing experiences may occur for the
adult-child if the mentor participates in this activity. I have witnessed this

many times.
Forgiveness is a gift, given to the other, to self, and in some instances,

to God. Again, when we do not forgive, we give energy to our pain and
project that pain onto other people who remind us of the perpetrator(s).

• Learning new social skills

Emotional and mental growth were arrested when the adult-child experi-
enced neglect, abuse, or abandonment. An adult-child now lives in a

physically mature body, but the mind and heart remain frozen. Therefore,
the adult-child will have to learn new skills in relationships, i.e., when ifs

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appropriate to ask for things; how to ask for things; how to give; how to

receive; how to communicate in a positive, assertive manner; how to take

individual responsibility for his needs and well-being.

Through the mentoring relationship, the adult-child will learn these
skills. It may happen in very painful and difficult ways, as the adult-child

may act out, making strong demands upon the mentor, or the adult-child
may withdraw, afraid to ask for what he needs. The mentor must lovingly
and firmly teach the adult-child how to express himself appropriately.
Proper socialization is an integral part of the mentoring process.

• Experiencing value

Value comes from the invisible and visible God: inheriting a sense of be-
longing, self-worth, and competency. Through bonding with the mentor,
the adult-child will begin to experience a sense of liberation and freedom
and begin to come into his value as a son of God. It is very important for
the adult-child to internalize value, as he internalizes the mentor’s love,
who represents Mr. God, his role model of masculinity.

• Journaling

It is very helpful to keep a journal, writing down the many changes, expe-
riences, feelings, and thoughts that take place on a daily basis. The adult-
child may share these things with the mentor. It will also serve as a source

of personal reflection —where he has been, what he has been through, and
where he is going. It may also serve to illuminate what are the triggers that

stimulate inappropriate behaviors and distorted thinking.

Finally, after going through the various stages of mentoring, the adult-
child is ready to enter into a relationship of mutuality.

Conclusion
Dr. John Gottman writes:

Although our study of infants is not yet complete, such observa-

tions strengthen my belief that parental conflict can begin to take

its toll in infancy — a time when the very pathways of a child’s au-
tonomic nervous system are developing. Whatever happens to that

child emotionally during those first few months may have a signif-
icant and lifelong effect on a child’s vagal tone — that is, the child’s
ability to regulate her nervous system. Whether an infant’s cries are

answered, whether she is frequently soothed or irritated by the sen-

sations around her, whether the people who feed her, bathe her, and

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play with her are calm and engaging or anxious and depressed — all

of this may make a difference in a baby’s long-term ability to re-

spond to stimuli, to calm herself, and recover from stressd*

World peace begins when we heal ourselves and help to heal others. This

process of mentoring will transform the world. So many speak about the
polluted environment that we have created ecological disasters through-
out the planet, jeopardizing our survival. In my experience, both as a
wounded soul and now as a wounded healer, I perceive a much greater cri-
sis. I call it Pain Pollution.
Since Adam and Eve, the original dysfunctional family, the world has
accumulated more and more guilt, shame, fear, insecurity, resentment,
anger, hostility, and pain. As long as these primal emotions remain unre-
solved, they exist as energy, inside the human body and spirit, and are pro-

jected into the environment around us. Wars, rape, abuse, neglect,
violence, murder, suicide, depression, poverty, and loneliness, in a world
full of people and potential prosperity, all testify to the fact that we con-
tinue to emotionally pollute the environment with pain.
Until all are healed, none are free. The world is full of Pain Pollution,
Homosexual, heterosexual — it does not really matter what we call it.

Everyone needs to experience true love, true value, and true humanity. It

begins with me, taking responsibility for my issues and for my healing.
Because a few men and women were willing to walk into hell with me,
I was able to climb out. Without them, I would not be here today. We
must heal the world of Pain Pollution. We must start a new movement to
heal the human ecological condition of “dis-ease” by reaching out and
mentoring each other. Those who have received more love are responsible
to give more. Those who have tasted the sweet and irreplaceable love of

Mom and Dad are the bearers of infinite treasures.

Most people are looking for Home. There are many organizations and
relationships created as substitutes for the family: churches, healing
groups, therapies, theater troupes, civic organizations, and so on. As
Granny said to her daughter in the movie. Resurrection, “If we only loved

each other as much as we say we love God, there wouldn’t be so much

bother in the world.” And as Ashley Montagu said, “Where touching be-
gins, there love and humanity also begin.

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 CHAPTER THIRTEEN

rom the beginning, it seems I knew that I didn’t fit in. I felt unwanted
F and ashamed. An incident in the third grade sums up my perception.
I was standing in the classroom with the other leftover children, those who
had not been chosen for one side or the other. I remember the humiliation
at not having been selected, evidence that I was not wanted. I waited,
holding my breath and my stomach muscles tight, wanting to disappear. I

could not let anyone know the fear and shame I felt. I waited for the
teacher to step in and assign me to one of the teams. I knew that no one
wanted me if I could not perform, and I could say nothing. This became
a lifelong fear of expressing myself
I always felt I was different from other children, especially the boys. I

compared myself to them and always felt inferior. Compounding this was
my sense that I was a disappointment to my father. By the time I was five
years old, I felt that I was not the boy he wanted. I did not feel close to

him and knew that I could do nothing to please him. Did he notice the
distance between us? Did he know that I dreaded being alone with him? I

had the feeling that I had to constantly prove my worthiness to him, and
it was futile.

He wanted me to play sports. I never felt comfortable to play them. I

played not to make mistakes, not to be in the wrong place to catch the ball

or to drop it. I hated not knowing how to stand and hold a bat or how to

throw a ball or shoot a basket. I feared being ridiculed. I felt that I should
know how to do these things. After all, I was a boy, wasn’t I? I decided that
 HEALING

I could not meet my father’s, and thus other men’s, standards. He wanted
me to be tough. I was overly sensitive. I hated that my feelings were easily
hurt, and I didn’t want anyone to know it. My perception that I was a fail-
ure at sports served to further distance me from my father and other boys.
To avoid further emotional hurt from my father, I detached from him
(and thus from masculinity) and continued to feel comfortable in my
mother’s world. I felt close to my mother. I was sensitive to her hurt feel-

ings and felt strongly connected to and protective of her. Although I do

feel that my parents loved me as their son, on some level they did not love
the individual that I was.
My feelings of not belonging and of being different continued through
elementary school. I was painfully shy, yet desperately wanted friends and
affirmation. I had no idea how to go about getting them. While no one
picked on me or made fun of me, I experienced a great deal of hurt and
isolation. I shared this pain with no one. I was the oldest of two brothers
and a sister with whom I was close, but not even to them did I share my
fear and hurt. I felt completely alone. I perceived that the only way I could
get some of the approval I desperately needed was to be good, polite, and
studious. I would be no trouble. I became good. I was so good that I
thought that was all I was. I received some scraps of attention by pleasing
adults with good grades, polite behavior, silence, and shy smiles.

I tried to discern what adults wanted from me in terms of goodness,

and then I would be it. This never worked with other children. As I grew
older, the only way of connecting with them was to listen to their stories.

I listened, but never shared mine. So much of me went hungry for Father’s
love and approval. Mother’s affirmation, and peer acceptance. So many
unmet legitimate needs. I continued the pattern of wanting others to call

my individuality out, and, short of that, to tell me how and who to be. I

felt that something must be dreadfully wrong with me. Why couldn’t any-
one see that something was wrong?
By the time I got through junior high school, I was a good student,
caused no trouble, brought no attention to myself, listened to others,
prayed to God, and obeyed my parents. I was colorless, odorless, sexless,

voiceless, and angerless. I was seen as that nice, polite little fellow who
smiled all the time. “But,” I would scream to myself, “I am so much more.
Can’t you see it?” I was lonely and had no friends. I was also short in

stature, which I hated. I perceived my shortness in height to be a reflection

of my shortness as a male.
During my early teens, I felt horrified to notice that I experienced sex-

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ual feelings toward other males. I was ashamed, confused, and depressed.
“Why was I not strongly attracted to girls?” From where did this same-sex
attraction come? I clenched my fists and prayed to God to take these feel-

ings from me. I felt dirty and unworthy. I prayed for forgiveness. I had
done nothing to acquire these feelings. I wanted no part of them. I did not
want to be like that. I wanted to be normal. I had spent years already feel-
ing different and separated, and now I was “queer.” Now I had something
else that I could not share with anyone.
Something was dreadfully wrong with me. I continued to uncom-
feel

fortable with my father. He seemed to always be testing me, and I knew

that I would fail no matter what the test was. I remember interpreting his
various lectures and making them into a devastating threat. “Slade, if you
procrastinate, if you are sensitive and not logical, if you make too many
mistakes or try to become an artist, you will not grow to be a man.” Inside
my head, I raged against his threat. How did know what it was to be or
I

feel like a man? Who was to teach me? My father? He had not done so.
Was I just simply to know because I was a male? Clearly, he was right. I

was a failure, a reject to the core of my being. I would not grow man-
into
hood as my father defined it. What would I then grow to be? How would
I get there? Still, I needed his approval and attention. Still, I needed to
meet his standards, even if at the expense of my individuality.
In my last years of high school, I wanted very badly to have male
friendships. Other guys had something I knew I lacked, some secret to

being a man that was not available to me. I wanted to be one of the guys
and had no idea how to go about it. I got through high school without a
sexual experience. I was good. Correct, normal sexual desire would come
in time, I told myself Because of the same-sex attraction, I felt full of
shame. I was bad, unworthy, unlovable. I did not date until my senior
prom, and for my date I had no sexual feelings. My persona as a nice guy
who smiled, never talked, but was a great listener continued. I could be
the shoulder to cry on. I had classmates, but no friends. I was liked in high

school, but not known. I did not know how to connect with others and
was afraid they would reject me if I attempted to do so.

In the last year of high school, I was given a small sum of money to-

wards college tuition for being an “all-around good guy.” I felt pleased but
embarrassed. As they called my name, I stood to go to the stage and receive
my award. As I stepped across my father, he said, “Don’t smile.” As I

walked to the stage, I felt confused. What did he mean? Why did he say not
to smile? Was my smile ugly? Could I not be happy about something that

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I had achieved? Even this he stepped on, I thought. (Many years later, I

would realize that much of my perception was misperception, that my fa-

ther was not so cruel and uncaring as I had imagined. I would come to un-

derstand that I had contributed to much of my own pain and struggling.)

In college, I made no friends and had no social life. I remained unable
to come out of myself I lived at home and worked part-time. I felt that
people found me likable, but did not know me. The few girls that I talked
with during those four years seemed more than willing to turn me into a
brother. Because I was afraid that I would not respond sexually, I could
not be assertive and manly. I continued to struggle with guilty sexual feel-

ings and fantasies about men.

Then, after I had taken my first full-time job after college, I met the
first person that seemed to take an interest in me. He asked me about my-
self, he shared himself with me, and he encouraged me in conversation.

The conversations, the shared books and music, the talk and meeting of
women, the discussions of philosophy and of higher consciousness, and
the travel were so stimulating and engulfing. I thought I had found ac-

ceptance. Wonderfully and frighteningly, there was the sexual attraction.

It was the first time in my life that I had responded to another human
being so powerfully. I felt sought after, and I felt known. It scared the hell
out of me. He was straight. In my perception, he was all the man that I
was not. He was everything that I wanted to be. Very quickly, I found my-
self wondering what it was like to be him, to feel his feelings, to feel his ex-

periences, his life. In comparison, my life seemed invalid. I wanted to be

him. We traveled together, and I fantasized about him. I used to wonder

what I had done to meet someone so full of life, so free from other peo-
ple’s expectations and definitions. Because I did not want him to be aware

of my sexual attraction, I had to continue my life’s act of feeling one way

on the inside and acting differently on the outside.
During this period of my mid-twenties, Inumber of women to
met a

whom I felt suddenly attracted. It was a wonderful time. I liked women,

but I was still afraid of my sexual response to them. But I needed to know
who I was as a man. When I approached sex, I found that unless I had a
strong sexual attraction to the woman, 50 percent of the time I would not
be able to achieve or maintain an erection.
Later, to my joy, I fell in love with two women. With one in particular,
I experienced the same strong sexual attraction I had experienced with my
With her, I felt, finally, what it must be to feel like a man with
friend.
%
a
woman. She touched some sense of myself that I hadn’t known was there

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 SLADE

some masculinity that I had feared wasn’t in me. She was romantic. She
would apply lipstick in the basement of our office building and let me kiss

it off I really wasn’t just a good boy. She was strongly sexual, and I loved it.

I felt strong, decisive, loving, vulnerable. I felt known. I felt that this
woman loved me. I could not believe it. Because of my sexual desire for her,

I thought that I loved her. I begged her to marry me, feeling that God had
sent her to me to save my sanity. When we made love, I was ready. There
were no doubts, no fears. I saw another side of myself. It was wonderful. I

thought we would surely marry. However, she would always gently turn me
down. Only later did I understand her own emotional problems.
I wanted very much to marry and have children. I thought that mar-
riage would rid me of the unwanted sexual desires and grant me the ap-
proval I still needed from others. At the age of twenty-eight, I married a
woman whom I did not love. We had a sexual relationship before our mar-
riage, and I thought that she loved me and that I would grow to love her.

My same-sex attractions were diminished, but still there. I never shared

with her about my struggle.
I did not realize then that I had chosen a woman who combined the
negative characteristics of both my father and mother. Just as with my per-
ceptions of my father, she was demanding and critical. She triggered my
“you are a failure” fears and manipulated me with behaviors that I read as
“you have wounded me” and “you have an obligation to please me.” She
combined these with my mother’s very demanding “poor me” and “you
are responsible for me and must take care of me and my feelings and be on
my side” manipulations.
My wife was a very angry woman and often flew into rages. I had never
liked conflict and was unsure how to handle anger in anyone. I would do
anything to stop the discomfort I felt when my wife became enraged. Our
life was full of dishonesty. Consequently, my intention with my wife was
to continue to “mind-read” to ascertain her moods and desires and then to

meet them when 1 could.

My wife was demanding and critical and triggered my feelings of being
a failure, and at the same time, relied on me to meet her emotional needs.
I aided her in abdicating her responsibility to take care of herself I owed
her. After all, she had married me. I sought to meet the demands so there
would be no conflict. I felt I was responsible for her unhappiness. We were
codependent, and I enabled her to be an invalid. Into this mess we
brought a beautiful three-month-old baby girl whom we adopted in 1980.
My daughter became the love of my life, but she, too, was damaged through

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the marriage. In 1992, I separated from my wife and sought and got full

custody of our then twelve-year-old daughter. This was the beginning of

living my own life.

Because I felt so deeply inferior to others and inadequate to meet life’s

situations and because of my hatred of my homosexual feelings, I had

spent my life in darkness, shame, and fear of rejection. I hid myself, and I

blocked myself from experiencing my pain. In isolation and loneliness, I

sought answers to my struggle, but did not know where to begin.

I

In 1995, the course of my life changed. I met Richard and the Inter-
national Healing Foundation. He helped me to recover my life and guided
my journey to wholeness. I had always thought that if I didn’t have this
condition of homosexuality, I would be truly good and my life would fall
into place.He helped me to understand that the condition was just the tip
of the iceberg. He explained that this condition was only a symptom of
much deeper wounding to my soul. I didn’t know it then, but at our first
meeting, the ice around my heart began to melt and my healing began.
Years of unshed tears and unexpressed feelings awaited release. I under-
stood that my life did have validity and that I could come out of this

struggle and live a real life.

My therapy with Richard began with reading David Burns’s book Ten
Days to Self-Esteem. Although I love to read, I hated this book. There was
homework, which triggered my lifelong pattern of procrastination, and
structured daily logs to monitor my emotions. Richard instructed me to
stop defining myself as either homosexual or heterosexual. Suddenly, I had
the possibility of freedom from an oppressive thinking pattern that had so
often led me to feel dejected. He explained that I was a beloved son of
God and that I deserved to be loved merely because I existed. I did not
have to earn love. I had always experienced shame when criticized. I

learned that my thoughts —not actual events — created my moods. My

feelings resulted more from the way I thought about things rather than
from what actually happened. I came to see that only I could make me feel
depressed, worried, or angry.
I learned to stop reasoning emotionally. My thoughts had always been,
“I feel like a failure, so I must be a failure.” I stopped labeling myself In-
stead of calling myself stupid or a reject, I would say, “I made a mistake.”
I my life and stopped criticizing my-
stopped dwelling on the negatives in
self with “should” or “have to” statements. stopped identifying with my
I

feelings. I had always experienced my physical shortness as another indi-

cation of my inferiority as a man. In my thinking, my shortness in height

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verified my shortness as a male. One day, after much work, it came to me

that my physical shortness did not make me a failure as a man. The two
were not connected. My self-worth grew.
Through therapy, I became conscious of the constant and harmful
judging and evaluating that I did as I compared myself to other men. I

stopped putting myself down. I stopped seeing myself through the eyes of
others. I began to understand that I was a unique and valuable human
being worthy of love, even when I had made a mistake and even though I

was short.

Asmy therapy progressed, I experienced with Richard a profound sense

of acceptance. For the first time in my life, I experienced unconditional
love. Love without judgment. I experienced the love of a father for his son.
All that this man asked of me was that I become myself, that I show up in

life, that I be authentic. He explained that all of me was welcome, that it

was safe to bring all that I was into the room. Someone cared about me,
with all my fears and perceived inadequacies, as well as my strengths. I ex-

perienced acceptance. I felt loved for myself, not for what I did or knew or
how I looked or didn’t look. He cared about me just for myself
I moved on to inner-child work. I learned that there was a stunted
child in me who needed acknowledgment and unconditional love. I gave
my inner son the love and affirmation that I felt I had never received. I

welcomed him my conscious life. I honored him for being there with
into
me. I asked for his forgiveness, for my being unaware of him, for ignoring
him, and for trying to kill him. One day, I suddenly realized that in telling

my inner child that I loved him, I was actually loving myself This was a
revelation for me. I am worthy and valuable just by being. I learned to
show up in life.

I also learned about voice dialogue. I became aware that I have many
subpersonalities, or voices, operating in me. These voices are often in con-

flict with each other. Voice dialogue allowed me to objectify the voices,

recognize them, and understand and work with them.

(^Homosexuality is not about sex. Rather, it is ultimately about rejection
of and detachment from self, from others, and from one’s gender identity.

I came to see that my sexual fantasy about another man might have noth-
ing to do with him. The fantasy was in my head, and the other person
might be nothing like the fantasy. I felt the truth in understanding that
the desire for homosexual union was to acquire some characteristic of

masculinity that I perceived in another man but felt lacking in myself The
desires indicated that I was not living in the present moment. Therefore, I

223
 HEALING

experienced a dramatic decrease in my sexual fantasies about other men.

During this time, I joined the support group. We used role-play, emo-
tional processing, and nonerotic touch. I met strong, sensitive men strug-

gling, like me. It took a while, but I learned to be myself with them. I

came to love them very much.

A major goal in my recovery was to access my masculine energies.
Richard strongly suggested that I join a men’s organization with which he
was familiar. The purpose of the organization was to initiate men into the
sacred masculine. In the summer of 1997, I went through the group’s
weekend experience. I became a “New Warrior.” During the weekly meet-
ings in the following year, I perceived in myself something I had always
feared wasn’t there. I now realized that I was a man. My fear-ridden ten-
year-old good little boy had died. Suddenly, I was seen as, and experienced
myself as, a man among men.
Today, I see the gold in my wounds. I had brought into adulthood be-
haviors that were inappropriate. As one author put it, “I discovered that I

had taken on identities that incorrectly or inadequately expressed my es-

sential being.” I found that I could be powerful and vulnerable. I could

risk being wrong, risk making a mistake, risk loving and being loved. I

could say no. I discovered I am a man with strengths and weaknesses. I am

king and beggar. I am awakening the gift of life. My awakening began
when a man asked only that I become myself, that I show up in life.

Comment
Slade has been courting a woman for more than a year and they will soon
be married.

224
 PART III:

Compassion
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 CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Healing Homophobia:
A Positive Response

“In the early stages ofour campaign to reach straight America, the masses should not

be exposed to homosexual behavior itself. Instead, the imagery of sex should be

downplayed and gay rights should be reduced to an abstract social question as much
as possible. First let the camel get his nose inside the tent —and only later his un-

sightly derriere!”^

—Marshall Kirk and Erastes Pill

stood behind the podium as they shouted obscenities at me: “F- you.”
I “Were going to kill you.” “Were queer, were here, get used to it.”
.”
“You’re a piece of s— “You’re just like Hitler.” I received death threats on
several occasions: “When you stand up and speak tonight, I will shoot
you.” Calls came to our home threatening my family: “If you continue
this work, we’ll burn your house down.” These are some of the experiences
I had the last twelve years as I toured the States and Europe while teach-
ing about the causes and healing of homosexuality.
I never took these slings and arrows personally. Each time I was threat-

ened and the recipient of verbal abuse during my public presentations, I

turned the volume off and looked deep into the eyes of my accusers. There
 COMPASSION
I saw wounded children screaming out for love and understanding. What
I am about to share are the hidden agenda, strategies, and goals of the

“Gay Rights Movement.” I understand their burning desire for accep-

tance. Without having been healed myself, it might have been me protest-
ing each time I stood up and spoke about the causes and healing of ho-
mosexuality. I God for what He has done in my life, and I pray that
thank
my brothers and sisters who are stuck in the homosexual disorientation
will one day be set free. For this reason alone, I share this information.

The Gay Rights Movement

Over the past four decades, a veritable revolution has taken place in Amer-
ica and throughout the world. There are thousands of homosexual bars
throughout the country. Every major city in America has a homosexual
newspaper. Churches ordain homosexual ministers and marry homosex-
ual couples. College, university, and now high school campuses have “gay
and lesbian” student organizations. The American Psychiatric and Psycho-
logical Associations have declared homosexuality a normal, alternative
lifestyle. Many states and cities throughout the country and the world
have passed special homosexual legislation.

The cornerstone of the Gay Rights Movement is that homosexuality is

immutable and therefore no one can change. Based on this mythology, spe-
cial legislation, religious doctrine, and educational curricula were created.
However, eighty years of scientific research has shown that homosexuality is

a developmental disorder. Therefore, what was learned can be unlearned,

and anyone can change, as no one is born with same-sex attractions.

There have been two extreme and opposing responses to homosexual

people and homosexuality:

Condemnation/Rejection • Condoning/Acceptance

I would like to propose an alternative response. But first, let me briefly ex-
plain about the Gay Rights Movement and why it has grown so rapidly
over the past years. To understand this, let us look at the agenda, strate-
gies, and goals of the homosexual movement.

Agenda
Throughout history, homosexual people have been looked down upon, per-
secuted, and mocked. They have been the subject of public ridicule in most
civilized cultures. Religions condemn homosexuality as sinful behavior.

228
 HEALING HOMOPHOBIA

Most educational, medical, and social institutions never gave help or hope
for the healing of this condition. The advent of the Civil Rights Movement
in the 1960s set the stage for the birth of the Gay Rights Movement, which
was born out of a need for acceptance and healing. The social institutions
that should have provided the most nurturance and understanding only
exacerbated the condition by causing more pain through persecution and
judgment. Because of this, an angry people were ready to give their lives for

the sake of their cause. It is a matter of life and death for most homosexual
people. Having to hide their feelings; having to lie for fear of losing their
jobs, housing, or benefits; having to live a double life in their churches has

led to a tremendous amount of guilt, shame, and unnecessary pain.

The Gay Movement was created to advance the rights and
Rights
needs of these oppressed men and women. They created many successful
groups to promote their cause: National Gay and Lesbian Task Force,
Human Rights Campaign Fund (PAC), Lambda Legal Defense and Edu-
cational Fund, Gay and Lesbian Committees for the American Psychiatric
and Psychological Associations, Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
(PFLAG), and so on. Over the past forty years, these organizations have
achieved amazing results. A survey conducted in 1999 by the Gill Foun-
dation found that national, state, and local homosexual organizations
have a combined budget totaling more than $92 million. “But, in fact,

total annual spending of Gay advocacy, social service, and philanthropic

organizations is more likely around $100 million.”^
Their agenda is to change family values and social systems in order to

be treated as equals, without prejudice or discrimination. Their move-

ment is seeking equal, or “special,” rights and fair treatment.

Strategies

In order to gain acceptance, the homosexual activists strategized how to

change public opinion about homosexuality. To begin changing public

opinion, public policies would have to change. In order to change public
policies, they needed the support of the modern-day prophets, scientists. In
present-day society, if the mental-health or medical profession puts forth a
scientific study or makes a declaration, the general public believes it to be

either “fact” or “truth.” Therefore, the members of the Gay Rights Move-
ment first strategized to have psychiatrists/psychologists declare homosex-
uality normal. Second, they sought to change laws and enact special
legislation. Finally, they manipulated us into the acceptance of homosexu-
ality and homosexual behavior by using the media, entertainment industry.

229
 COMPASSION
educational systems, and religious institutions. Eventually and ultimately,
the family would be redefined and deconstructed.

Science (APA 1973 decision to remove homosexuality from the DSM)

i
Politics/Laws (special legislation)

i
Entertainment/Media (promoting/supporting homosexuality)

i
Education (normalizing homosexual behavior)

Religion (normalizing homosexual behavior/same-sex marriages/ordaining

active homosexual people)

Here is a brief list of their strategies:

1 . Redefine homosexuality as an inborn condition, based on genetics and

biology, so that it will be regarded as irreversible.
In 1973, homosexual activists persuaded the American Psychiatric
Association to remove homosexuality from the Diagnostic and Statis-
tical Manual ofiMental Disorders (DSM). They did not base this de-

cision on scientific facts or research, but on repeated harassment and

political pressure by the Gay Rights Movement. “Instead of being
engaged in a sober consideration of data, psychiatrists were swept up
in a political controversy. The American Psychiatric Association had
fallen victim to the disorder of a tumultuous year, when disruptive
conflicts threatened to politicize every aspect of American social

life. . . . The result was not a conclusion based on an approximation

of the scientific truth as dictated by reason, but was instead an action
demanded by the ideological temper of the time.”^ This landmark
achievement to remove homosexuality from the manual of mental
disorders (DSM) was broadcast throughout the world and used to
promote the normalcy of homosexuality. What the public never
knew was that many psychiatrists then and now believe homosexual-
ity to be an abnormal condition that can be changed.

230
 HEALING HOMOPHOBIA

2. who they are, not what they do.

Focus on
Homosexual people focus attention on their identity of being “gay,”
“lesbian,” or “bisexual” as a way of being, instead of on their behav-
ior (having sex between two men or two women). This shifts the de-
bate from the arena of morality, ethics, and psychology to the arena
of politics, human rights, and social injustice. With this shift in

focus, the homosexual activists have emulated the pattern of the

Civil Rights movements of African Americans and suffrage for
women. However, a person is born black or born a woman, but no
one is born homosexual. It is a behavior.

3. Create new positive language, thereby influencing public opinion to

support their cause.

They chose new words to create a more positive image: “gay,” “sex-
ual orientation,” “domestic partners,” “homophobia,” “alternative

lifestyle,” and “exploring one’s sexual orientation.” This reinvention

of language has been a chief strategy in the homosexual campaign

for freedom, respect, and special rights. For example, which sounds
better? “Hi. My name is Richard, and I’m homosexual,” or “Hi. My
name is Richard, and I’m gay.” It’s a much better feeling saying
“gay.” It also gives the homosexual person a sense of self- acceptance

and normalcy.
Some of you may remember that years ago the politically cor-
rectph rase was “sexual preference.” The gay rights strategists real-
ized that the word “preference” implied choice. Therefore, they
quickly discarded preference and replaced it with “orientation.”
Then, “sexual orientation” was born. Clearly, this phrase implies

that one’s sexuality is not a choice, but an innate condition. Clever,

but false. No one chooses to be homosexual. It is the result of many
contributing factors. Anyone can choose to change, as no one is

born this way. What was learned can be unlearned. It is not gay,
nor bad, but SSAD.

4. Make new laws and repeal old laws that conflict with their goals.
As of July 1993, over 100 municipalities have passed homosexual
legislation."^ As of November 1999, there were 11 states guarantee-
ing special rights for homosexual people and about 200 openly ho-

mosexual elected officials.^ Their purpose is to achieve acceptance,

receive fair treatment, and promote the homosexual agenda.

231
 COMPASSION

5. Portray the homosexual community as natural and normal

In public gatherings, the political arena, and media presentations,
the Gay Rights Movement chooses its representatives very carefully

as to be seen in a positive light, as just another socially oppressed

minority. But as previously discussed, homosexual behavior is nei-

ther normal nor natural. Homosexual behavior results in numerous

diseases, addictions, and unhappiness.

6. Organize public demonstrations.

Much of their success lies in their ability to organize demonstra-

tions, orchestrate large events, and disrupt public meetings of their

opponents. They practice tactics such as harassment, character as-
sassination, screaming, and general disruptions of those who go
against their agenda and beliefs. Their tactics in the ’70s and ’80s
were more disruptive. In the ’90s, they became more politically
savvy; therefore, their attacks were much more subtle, working
within the political, educational, religious, and media systems
throughout the world. They are a well-financed movement, as most
have more education, better jobs, and no children to support.

7. Promote education about homosexuality as a normal alternative lifestyle.

In sex-education classes and HIV/AIDS education curricula, homo-

sexuality is introduced to young, impressionable students as a nor-

mal, alternative lifestyle. The American Academy of Pediatrics

reported in 1992 that almost 26 percent of twelve-year-olds were

“unsure” of their sexual orientation. This figure declines only by 5
percent by age seventeen. Therefore, introducing the normalcy of
homosexuality at such a young age through sex education and books
like Daddy s Roommate, Heather Has Two Mommies, and Gloria Goes
to Gay Pride may persuade an insecure student to explore homosex-
uality. (I wrote Alfies Home to present an alternative viewpoint and
to teach about some of the causes of homosexuality. This is the only
children’s book of its kind that presents the possibility of change.)

8. Promote homosexuality through school organizations.

Homosexual activists have been promoting their agenda on high
school, college, and university campuses for years. There are thou-

sands of homosexual student organizations meeting in schools

throughout the country and world. The new wave of organizations

232
 HEALING HOMOPHOBIA

is the “Gay Straight Alliance” in high schools. No doubt, they will

soon approach middle and elementary schools.
Here are the words of Michael Swift, a homosexual activist:

We shall sodomize your sons, emblems of your feeble mas-

culinity, of your shallow dreams and vulgar lies. We shall se-
duce them in your schools, in your dormitories, in your
gymnasiums, in your seminaries, in your youth groups, in
your movie theater bathrooms, in your houses of Congress,
wherever young men are with men together. Your sons shall

become our minions and do our bidding. They shall be re-

cast in our image. They will come to crave and adore us.^

9. Normalize homosexuality through entertainment and media.

Movies, television programs, radio shows, and articles in newspapers
and magazines have all “normalized” homosexuality and homosexual
relationships. There were approximately thirty homosexual charac-
ters on TV shows as of the spring of 1998, and the number is ever-

increasing. The liberal press has jumped on the bandwagon to

embrace, support, and pronfote homosexuality.

Goals
The underlying goal of the Gay Rights Movement is total acceptance of
homosexuality in every facet of life: religion, education, military, business,
housing, marriage, and adoption. Here are some of their demands:

• Religious institutions must marry homosexual couples and ordain

homosexual ministers.
• School curricula will have to be revised to depict homosexuality as

normal and acceptable. Homosexual teachers must be hired to teach

and train others about homosexuality.
• All businesses, regardless of their moral and religious beliefs, must
hire homosexual people.
• Homosexual couples must have the legal right of marriage.
• Homosexual couples must be allowed to adopt children.
• Homosexual people must be allowed to serve in the military with-

out discrimination.
• Homosexual clubs and organizations must be allowed in every

school, college, and university, regardless of their religious beliefs.^

233
 COMPASSION
Most of these demands have already been accomplished, if not on the na-
tional level, then on the state or county levels. The agenda, strategies, and

goals span worldwide.

Why has this relatively small movement achieved so much success in
such a short period of time? Throughout history, homosexual men and
women have experienced persecution, rejection, and discrimination from
their families, societies, and religions. Because of the underlying root
causes of the homosexual condition, combined with this societal abusive

treatment, many have committed suicide, become addicts, or simply lied

about their sexual orientation to protect their jobs and families. They have
been invisible prisoners and scapegoats throughout history.

Most people, including those in social and religious institutions, have

criticized the homosexual person without providing a door of hope. They
have judged homosexual people as dirty and sinful, but they never pro-
vided a true solution for healing. Many so-called religious people have ver-
bally abused the homosexual person, i.e., faggot, queer, sissy, dyke, per-

vert. This has added insult to the already-pro found injuries incurred.
Now, to make amends for their acts of discrimination, churches and so-
cial and political institutions are reaching out to accept both the homosex-
ual person and homosexual behavior. It s like throwing the baby out with
the bath water. The motivation is sincere. However, by accepting homo-
sexual behavior, we are in actuality condemning these men, women, and
children to a life of suffering and pain. Homosexuality is born out of bro-
ken relationships and must be healed in an environment of love, nurtu-
rance, and understanding. We must embrace these men and women, but
not their behavior. What was learned can be unlearned.

How can we solve this problem?

”
''The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full ofpassionate intensity.

— The Second Coming

W. B. Yeats, 1921

Here are several simple suggestions that you may employ in your homes,
schools, churches, synagogues, and communities to bring about under-
standing and love:

1 . Apologize for wrongdoing, thinking, and speaking.

Instead of embracing a destructive behavior, we need to take responsibility for

the harsh way we might have thought about or treated our homosexually-

2c34
 HEALING HOMOPHOBIA

oriented brothers and sisters. We need to separate the behavior from the being.
Accepting homosexual behavior is not loving at all. Accepting the individual
is always the way of God. If you have harmed someone through name-calling,
criticisms, or any other direct or indirect ways, take responsibility. Go to the

individual and seek forgiveness. Unless we begin to practice our faith in real-

ity, it is meaningless. If you hear others mocking or criticizing homosexual

men and women, do not participate. Educate.

2. Spread the truth that no one is born homosexual and therefore anyone can
change.

Homosexuality many factors, and by discovering and healing

is caused by
those root causes, change is possible. I have done it, and so have many oth-
ers. There are thousands of men and women today who have found free-

dom from homosexuality. What was learned can be unlearned. It s not gay,
nor bad, but SSAD.

3. Get involved with school sex-education curricula.

Get involved with your child’s education. In many schools throughout the
country, students are taught how and where to have homosexual relations.

They are taught people are born homosexual and therefore cannot change.
The only way this could have happened is that parents are unaware of
their children’s education. Visit the PTA, visit the health and science
teacher, join the school board, read your children’s textbooks, and ask your
children what they are being taught. One person can make a difference.
Alfies Home is the only children’s book about the healing of homosex-
uality. Please obtain copies of Alfies Home (order through Web site:

www.gaytostraight.org or the International Healing Foundation), and do-

nate them to your public and private libraries — elementary, junior, and se-
nior high schools; colleges and universities; and religious institutions. This
is how the homosexual movement distributed Daddy s Roommate^ Heather
Has Two Mommies^ and other prohomosexual children’s books.

4. Do not vote for special legislation.

Although it looks humanistically appropriate to enact special federal,

state, and local laws to ensure that homosexual men and women do not
suffer more persecution and discrimination, it is actually very harmful to

do so. The reason is this: When we enact such laws, we are declaring ho-

mosexuality to be an inborn condition, like being black or being a

woman. This is simply not true. Homosexuality is a learned behavior, not

235
 COMPASSION
an identity. No one is born this way; therefore, anyone can change. In
essence, it is a sexual disorientation, a cry for healing. To enact special leg-

islation legitimizes the unhealthy behavior of broken men and women in

need of true love and understanding. The ultimate solution is not laws,
but love.

5. Love the individual, not his behavior.

Let us reach out to those men, women, and children who wish to change,
to those who are struggling and in need of our understanding and love.
For those who do not wish to change, let us embrace them even more. We
need to separate the being from the behavior. We must not sell them out
by making new laws or modifying religious doctrine. Homosexuality is

out of balance with nature and an incomplete reflection of God. Those

who are experiencing homosexual thoughts, feelings, and desires truly

need much love and support. Many have given up or quit trying to change
because they could not find or experience relationships of true love. Let us
promote true healing and restoration by getting involved, reaching out,
and being there for those who wish to change. Remember that this is a be-
havior, not an identity. Each man and woman who experiences same-sex
attractions is somebody’s son or daughter. Let us reach out and spread the
truth with love. Let us mentor one another.

Conclusion
As scientists and physicians seemed to have been the modern-day priests

of the twentieth century, the public often followed their lead. Many times,
those priests were wrong. Truth is not the basis of science. Theories are its

foundation.
Ashley Montagu traces the history of how the medical and psychiatric
community systematically taught the detachment between parents and
children by 1) no breast-feeding; 2) no touching; and 3) no rocking.
Some of the doctors that propagated these “truths” in this century were
Dr. Luther Emmett Holt^ and Dr. John Broadus Watson, professor of psy-
chology at Johns Hopkins University. In his book Psychological Care ofIn-
fant and Child, Watson wrote, “There is a sensible way of treating chil-
dren. . . . Never hug and kiss them, never let them sit in your lap. If you
must, them once on the forehead when they say good night. Shake
kiss

hands with them in the morning. Give them a pat on the head if they have
made an extraordinarily good job of a difficult task. Try it out. In a week’s

236
 HEALING HOMOPHOBIA

time you will find how easy it is to be perfectly objective with your child
and at the same time kindly. You will be utterly ashamed of the mawkish,
sentimental way you have been handling it.”^

Because America is a leading nation in the fields of medicine and tech-

nology, most nations of the world follow suit. When Dr. Watson’s book
was published. Parent Magazine, Atlantic Monthly, and others referred

to it as a “godsend to parents.” Most of the population followed the advice

of these doctors. As the priests of the twentieth century, they knew best.

“Giving the child too much attention, it was repeatedly emphasized,

was calculated to spoil it, while the practice of rocking the baby to sleep,
either in a cradle or in one’s arms, was considered to belong to the Dark
Ages of child rearing.”^® In time, it became known that holding, rocking,
and breast-feeding the child were the best ways to ensure a happy and
healthy child.
Which leads me to today, as we enter a new millennium. The modern-
day priests of the American Medical Association, American Psychiatric As-
sociation, and American Psychological Association are telling us that ho-

mosexuality is natural, normal, and simply an alternate lifestyle. As it was

several generations before, with touching and breast-feeding, so it is today
with the acceptance of homosexuality. Educational institutions, social or-
ganizations, many religions, the media, and the entertainment industry
have all jumped on the bandwagon, following what our “experts” have
taught them. How angry and hurt these homosexual men and women will
be when they learn that they have once again been abused and neglected
through miseducation and misinformation.
I submit that in several decades, the intolerance of homosexuality will
decline as understanding increases. Then, the truth shall be known. For
homosexuality is the result of unhealthy attachment and lack of love.
When love is experienced, all the arguments shall fade away.

237
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 CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Guidance for Family

and Friends
have counseled and taught thousands of men, women, and adolescents
I dealing with the SSAD condition. I have also worked with many par-
ents, friends, and relatives whose loved ones are experiencing same-sex at-

tractions. It is not an easy subject to broach or understand. Therefore, I

would like to offer several suggestions about how to love someone who is

either SSAD or living in a SSAD lifestyle.

When a child tells his parents about his same-sex attractions, alarms go
off in the hearts and minds of Mom and Dad: “Why us? Why you? Is it
our fault? My God, is this really happening? Don’t you know you could
die from such behavior? This is against all of our religious beliefs.”

As parents, we must first be quiet and listen so our children will speak
(bite your tongue if necessary). Later, we can deal with our thoughts, feel-
ings, and needs. It took a lot of guts and courage for your child to disclose.
Do not back away. He needs you now more than ever. Remember to sep-

arate the behavior from the being. Having same-sex attractions is an indi-
cator that wounds never healed and basic needs went unmet. The good
news is that wounds can heal and needs can be met.
Do not try to “fix” your child or “preach” about the truth. First, listen

and find out how he feels and what he thinks. This is not about you; it is

about him. More than likely, he has been struggling for years before disclos-
 COMPASSION
ing this information to you. Even though your gut may say back away, resist

this self-protective urge and embrace your child. This, too, shall pass!
If you are a friend, consider it a special gift of honor and trust if he
shares about his struggles with same-sex attractions. As with Mom and
Dad, keep your mouth shut and listen. Perhaps he practiced for days,
months, or years before sharing this part of his life with you. Be warm,
embracing, and nonjudgmental. Ask questions sincerely in order to un-
derstand his heart and desire. If you are not sure what to ask, breathe,
relax, and say how you feel, i.e., shocked, surprised, concerned.
Remember that a same-sex attraction is always a symptom of unre-
solved childhood trauma and unmet homo-emotional love needs. As par-
ents and friends, we can help initiate healing by being there for him and
filling in the gap.
Here are several suggestions for parents, spouses, and friends:

Guidance for Parents

1 .
Lift your child to God. Pray. Do not play God. A wise prayer would
be that he does not find what he is looking for in the SSAD
lifestyle. Pray for healing of his wounds and the fulfillment of his
unmet needs in healthy relationships.

2. Do not blame yourself, each other, or anyone else. Take responsibil-

ity for the mistakes you have made and seek Gods forgiveness.

Then, forgive yourself as you are forgiven. It is very important that

you forgive yourself. Walking around with this (toxic) guilt will only
weigh you down and keep you from making changes in your life.

3. Next, ask your child to forgive you. If he is not ready to forgive, that
is his responsibility, not yours. Do not live through your child. Re-
alize that if you did make a mistake, it was a mistake. Once you
apologize for your mistakes, then take responsibility by loving your-
self and loving your child.

4. Learn to heal yourself. There is only one person you can ever change,
and that is yourself The changes you make in your life greatly affect
your child, no matter what his age.
5. Investigate your child’s wounds. What are the multiple causes of his
same-sex attractions? Educate yourself about his past, and reap-
praise the situation. Ask questions and listen without judgment
(Mr. and Mrs. KYMS: Keep Your Mouth Shut).

240
 GUIDANCE FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS

6. Investigate your child’s unmet needs. (Why is he doing what he is

doing?) What is the other side providing? Acceptance, affection, af-

firmation, and a safe place.
7. Help heal wounds and fulfill unmet needs. Create a loving environ-
ment of acceptance, affection, and affirmation, and a safe place to

be. Separate being from behavior. You do not need to approve of

your child’s behavior; however, it is imperative to always love the
being. As this is a Same-Sex Attachment Disorder, it is very impor-
tant for the same-sex parent to become more involved with his or

her child. Embrace your son or daughter. Build a closer connection.

Listen to and find out more about your child’s life. Remember, no
matter how old he or she is, everyone needs Time, Touch, and Talk.
The opposite-sex parent needs to support from behind, becoming a
bridge for the same-sex parent and child to bond and attach.
8. Love unconditionally in the truth. Never compromise your values
or morals, and at the same time continue to love, listen, embrace,
and when necessary, set limits.

A good book for parents is On Eagles Wings: Family Manual by Wendell

and Nancy Anderson (1997). You can order it through Regeneration
Books (See Resources at the back of the book for more information). This
is a Christian program, but it can be adapted for Jewish families and those
of other faiths.

Guidance for Spouses

1. Understand that you cannot solve or fulfill your spouse’s unmet
homo-emotional needs. Only God, your partner, and someone of
the same sex can do that.

2. Work on your own issues. “Why was I drawn to a man or woman

with a homo-emotional wound?” “What is in it for me?”
3. Get support from family, friends, spiritual community, and/or
counselor. Isolation equals death.
4. Your husband or wife cannot give you what he or she does not have.
You cannot get water from a dry well. Have patience. Give as much
love as you can. Take care of yourself in healthy ways.
5. Pray. Do not try to change your spouse. He must want that for him-
self Give him up to God.

241
 COMPASSION

Guidance for Friends

1 . Pray. Lift him up to God. Ask for guidance on how to best love him.
2. Listen. Be a good friend. Lethim know you are interested in his life.

We all want to be accepted for who we are.

3. Love and embrace your friend, especially if he is of the same gender.
Don’t back away; move towards. Provide for him healthy, fraternal

friendship and love.

4. Share the truth in love. Let him know that you do not believe that he

was born this way and that he did not choose to have these feelings.

And therefore, what was learned can be unlearned. Let him know that
you are ready to be there with him through the good and bad times.
5. Never give up. Anyone who has same-sex attractions has experi-

enced much pain and trauma. He may display a wide range of emo-
tions, one moment desperately needing you, and the next moment

rejecting you and never wanting to see you again. Hang in there.

Love is patient and enduring.

6. Be consistent. Most homosexual relationships do not last. You, as a

trusted and dear friend, may be the pillar that he needs to help him
ultimately heal the deepest wounds that have led him into this con-
dition. And through your presence and love, you just may be the
one to see him come out of this.

Why Are So Many Men and Women Afraid of Homosexuals?

We fear that which we do not understand. For as it has been said, the
meaning of fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. As long as we allow fear
to rule us, we fuel hatred and division. It is through education that we
come to learn about ourselves and each other.
1 . Fear is a physiological response, one of self-protection when we feel

threatened and do not understand the other. The fear response is a

built-in defense to protect us from the threat of danger. This physio-

logical response occurs in the limbic system, or the old brain, con-

nected to the child within. Therefore, in the case of homosexuality,

there is a lack of understanding that comes from the new brain (the

cerebral cortex), the rational or more adult part of the mind. Most
people have not understood the meaning of homosexuality as a same-
sex attachment disorder. We fear that which we do not understand.
2. Underneath psychological fear is guilt and shame. If I harbor any
guilt and shame about what I have done in the p^st, then it is con-

242
 GUIDANCE FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS

venient to condemn another. In this way, I do not have to deal with

my own guilt and shame or take responsibility for my past/present

actions. Homosexuals then become my scapegoat, as a defensive de-

tachment from my wounds and mistakes.

3. Homosexuals have been social outcasts, and associating with “them”
means we might risk rejection by others. If I am already insecure
about some aspect(s) of my life, this may pose a further threat to my
“value” or sense of emotional equilibrium.
4. We hate in another what we hate or deny in ourselves. Many people
have same-sex parent wounds and are not homosexually inclined.
However, some may have had homosexual experiences while grow-
ing up, and because of the social stigmas attached to this condition,
the individual harbors guilt and shame. Therefore, he must con-
demn the homosexual, out of self-protection, out of this hidden
sense of guilt, shame, and fear.

Responses to Commonly Asked Questions

Many parents ask, “What should I do when my son wants to invite his
boyfriend home for the holidays or a visit? Is this OK to do? Am I giving
him the wrong message if I say yes? Will he think that I approve of his ho-
mosexual behavior?” I have prayed and meditated on this issue for years.

My conclusion is definitely allow your son to bring his boyfriend home to

visit. Why?
• Your sons boyfriend is someone else s son, and perhaps he has been
rejected altogether by his family. This is your chance to show him
Gods love.
• You are embracing your son, not his behavior. In accordance with
your own religious or spiritual convictions, you might say, “Dear,
you are both welcome to come and stay. However, we do not believe
in sexual relations outside of marriage. Therefore you can stay in one
room, and your boyfriend can sleep in another.” You can only say
this if you maintain the same protocol for another child who might
want to bring home an opposite-sex friend. You must be congruent;
otherwise you lose all credibility and your child will disrespect you.
• All great faiths speak about the power of love as the greatest medicine
to heal all pain. Only love and truth will ultimately win any battle.

By rejecting your child, you are only adding salt to his wounds. It is

best for him to be close to you, and you to him. Remember, this is a

243
 COMPASSION
same-sex attachment disorder. He needs attachment and bonding
from Mr. and Mrs. God, first, last, and in between.
• This is your blessing, a chance to repair old wounds and make up
for lost time. The same-sex parent especially needs to be present, in-
volved, and embracing (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiri-

tually). A son needs his daddy’s love, and a daughter needs her
mommy’s love.
• Finally, one part of the homosexual condition is rebellion. By em-
bracing your child and his lover, you are short-circuiting his need to
rebel. This will eventually have a positive effect upon him and his

relationship with you. Tender loving care will reap bountiful results.

So what if your child misunderstands your intention and thinks you are
accepting his lifestyle? That is his judgment. Keep loving in the truth.
Never give up. Never stop trying. Those who endure to the end will be
saved and win the race.
What if your child, friend, or relative invites you to attend a “commit-
ment ceremony”? Should you attend? My response is no. The reason is ba-
sically the same as the one regarding special legislation for homosexuals.

Your attendance or vote implies social acceptance, and homosexual be-

havior should never be accepted.
What about giving your child literature to read? If he is open to the pos-

sibility of another perspective, great —go for it. If he is dead set against it,

do not even think about it. WTiy? Remember, implicit in this condition is

oppositional behavior. If you push one direction, he will go another direc-

tion just to upset you. My suggestion is to ask him for his literature. Show
your willingness to understand him and his belief system. Once you do this

consistently over a period of time, then you have a foundation to ask him
to read some your materials. Do not read his books or articles with the
intention of biding time so you can proselytize him. Read to understand,

get closer to, and love your child. We all want to be understood and re-

spected. You do not have to agree. Just listen and learn. Do unto others. . . .

Conclusion
My final word is this: Do not try to “change” your child, sibling, parent,
spouse, relative, friend, coworker, neighbor, fellow student, boss, minister,
rabbi, or adversary. He or she is not, was not, nor ever will be a homosex-
ual man or woman. Homosexuality is always a symptom. It represents un-
resolved trauma and gender disidentification. The individual who experi-

244
 GUIDANCE FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS

ences same-sex attractions is wounded and in need of healing. The best

medicine to heal all pain is love. He needs secure attachment with men.
She needs secure attachment with women. When secure attachment is

achieved, same-sex desires will naturally wane. Therefore, men, please

reach out to gender-disidentified men. And women, please reach out to
gender-disidentified women. This is a war of love. Give your best and let

God do the rest.

245
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 CHAPTER SIXTEEN

A Final Thought

A
religious
great service the Gay Rights Movement
of homosexuality out of the closet and into the
and social institutions, and medical and
has done is

light.
to bring the issue

Many people
psychiatric professions
in

have failed these men and women. Not only did they ridicule without of-
fering hope for healing, they exacerbated the wounds of detachment
through socialized prejudice and discrimination. Instead of apologizing
on bended knees, they have succumbed to acceptance in the name of tol-
erance. I find this cheap religion and superficial science.

Yet, behind closed doors, most people are disgusted by homosexuality.

“People seem to strongly favor anti-discrimination measures and other
civil-rights protections for gays and lesbians, while at the same time they
view homosexuality negatively — a sort of distasteful tolerance. A national
survey conducted last August and published in The Washington Post found
that 57 percent of Americans questioned consider homosexuality unac-
ceptable; when asked about gay sex, 72 percent called it unacceptable.”^
The solution is neither blind acceptance nor indiscriminate tolerance. The
answer is understanding and love.

While I was finishing this book, I stayed at a church rectory, living in

a fiat surrounded by several unoccupied rooms. There was a shared bath-
room. Obviously, no one had used it for a long time. Since I live in a

household of three kids, my wife, a housemate, and myself, taking a quiet

and relaxed bath is not an easy accomplishment. I looked forward to a
peaceful soak in the tub while finishing the book.
 COMPASSION
My first view of the bathtub shocked me. It had a buildup of soot from
over fifty years! The tub must have been white at one time, but now all I

could see was caked-on soot and dirt. Determined to take my peaceful
bath, I bought a good scouring pad, a can of Ajax and went to work.

The first day, I scrubbed for an hour and a half It was summer. Sweat
pouring off my entire body added to the dirt coming off the walls of this
long-neglected tub. There was white! It was still there, lying beneath all

the dirt. I could hear it speaking, “Thank you, thank you. Set me free.”

After an hour and a half, there it stood. A beautiful white bathtub re-

turning to its glory day. It smiled. I smiled back. I washed away years of
caked-on soot. It was ready. I poured in the warm water and lay in that glo-
rious, clean, and happy tub. We were one!
The following day, I focused on the walls and the glass sliding doors.
They, too, wore a coat of dirt, grime, and crud. It took another hour or so
to scrub off years of misuse. The walls and glass doors shined. They, too,
were happy and set free. I took another relaxing bath. We were one!
The final day, I cleaned the outside of the tub. There, too, brown soot
and dirty floors were an unwelcome greeting to my newly resurrected
bathtub. Scrubbing away more years of dirt, we all sang for joy. There is

life after misuse, abuse, and neglect. My final soak in the tub was a cele-

bration of life!
Accepting homosexuality as natural and normal is like glorifying pain
and brokenness. Perhaps in this tainted world, it is the path of least resis-
tance, much like the story of The Emperors New Clothes. Everyone knew
the emperor had no clothes on, but it was politically correct to pretend as

if he did. It took a child to stand up and say, “‘But he isn’t wearing any-
thing at all!’ When the emperor heard the child, he knew he had been
fooled. The next day the Emperor issued a proclamation: ‘I ask only that
you do as the child did and always try to tell the truth.’”
And so it is today, politically correct to accept homosexuality as an al-
ternate lifestyle. Yet, if we embrace someone’s homosexuality as normal
and natural, his potential for wholeness will remain dormant beneath the
wounds, beneath the years of caked-on soot. Accepting homosexuality is

normalizing detachment, both intrapersonally and interpersonally.

Let us stand up and say, “It’s not gay, nor bad, but SSAD.” Let us open
our hearts, for the homosexually oriented men and women can heal. What
was learned can be unlearned. Let us embrace these beautiful, sensitive souls.

Let us love them into life. Let us help them heal by scrubbing away years of
misuse, abuse, and neglect. Lor when one heals, we all hed a little more.

248
 1.
Notes
Foreword
Stephen). Blommer, “Answers to Questions About Sexual Orientation and Homosexual-
ity,” American Psychological Asociation, Office of Public Affairs (Washington, D.C., Un-
dated), 3.

Chapter One —My Story: Coming Out Straight

1. Robert Bly, Iron John: A Book About Men (New York: Vintage Books, 1990), 42.
2. Leanne Payne, The Healing ofthe Homosexual(JWtstc\\tsx.&i,\^'Ctossw2iY^oo\:s, 1984), 31.

Chapter Two — Definitions and Causes of Same-Sex Attractions

1 . Shirley E. Cox, David Matheson, Doris Dant, Workbook for Men (Salt Lake City, UT:
Evergreen International, Inc., 1998), vi.

2. Simon LeVay, “A Difference in Hypothalamic Structure Between Heterosexual and Ho-

mosexual Men,” Science2A'b (August 1991): 1036.
3. Quoted in Marlin Maddoux, Answers to the Gay Deception (Dallas, TX: International
Christian Media, 1994), 24.
4. David Nimmons, “Sex and the Brain,” Discover Yo\. 15, no. 3 (March 1994), 64-71.
5. David Gelman et al., “Born or Bred?” Newsweek (24 February 1992), 46.
6. Quoted in Marlin Maddoux, Answers to the Gay Deception (Dallas, TX: International
Christian Media, 1994), 26.
7. Gelman et al., 46
8. Ibid.

9. John Horgan, “Gay Genes, Revisited,” Scientific America (November 1995), 26.
10. George Rice et al., “Male Homosexuality: Absence of Linkage to Microsatellite Markers on
the X Chromosome in a Canadian Study” (paper presented at the 21st annual meeting of
Sex Research, Provincetown, Mass., 1995); Quoted in E. Marshall, “NIH Gay Gene Study
Questioned,” Science 268 (1995), 1841. Combined Dispatches, “New Study Challenges
Theory of ‘Gay Gene’ in Homosexuals,” Washington Times (23 April 1999), A3; C. Cham-
berlain, “Where Did the Gay Gene Go?” Internet, www.ABCNEWS.com, April 23, 1999.
1 1. J. Madeleine Nash, “The Personality Genes,” TimeNcA. 151, no. 16 (April 27, 1998): 60-61.
12. John Horgan, “Gay Genes, Revisted,” Scientific America (November 1995): 26.
13. William Byne and Bruce Parsons, “Human Sexual Orientation: The Biologic Theories
Archives of General Psychiatry Yo\. 50, no. 3 (March 1993): 228-239.
14. S. Marc on the Brain,” Nature 389 (October 23, 1997): 801.
Breedlove, Ph.D., “Sex
15. Richard C. Friedman and Jennifer Downey, “Neurobiology and Sexual Orientation: Cur-
rent KA-aTionshi^sJ Journal ofiNeuropsychiatry Yo\. 5, no. 2 (Spring 1993): 131-153.
16. Ruth Hubbard and Elijah Wald, Exploding the Gene Myth (Boston, MA: Beacon Press,

1993), 6, 94, 98.

17. John Leland and Mark Miller, “Can Gays ‘Convert?’” Newsweek (17 August 1998): 49.
18. John Money, “Sin, Sickness, or Status? Homosexual Gender Identity and Psychoneuroen-
docrinology,” A Psychologist A2, no. 4 (1987): 384.
 NOTES
19. Jeffrey Satinover, Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth (Grand Rapids, MI; Baker Books,
1996), 77.
20. William Masters, Virginia Johnson, Robert Kolodny, Human Sexuality, 2nd Edition
(Boston, MA: Little Brown, 1985), 411.
21. Quoted from Joseph Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy ofMale Homosexuality (North vale, NJ:
Jason Aronson Inc., 1991), 18-19.
22. National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality, Press Release 5, 1997.

23. Elizabeth Moberly, Psychogenesis: The Early Development of Gender Identity (London: Rout-
ledge and Kegan Paul, 1983), 67; E. Moberly, Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic
(Greenwood, SG: James Glark & Go., 1983), 9.

24. Joseph Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy ofMale Homosexuality (Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson
Inc., 1991), 32-35.
25. Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Couples’ Study Guide (New York: Harper
Perennial, 1988), 26.
26. Elizabeth Moberly, Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic (Greenwood, SG: James Clark
&Co., 1983), 9.

27. Ibid.
28. Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 21.
29. E. Kaplan, “Homosexuality: A Search for the Ego-Ideal,” Archives of General Psychiatry 16
(1967): 355-358.
30. Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 94—95.
31. Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 77-78.; Irving Bieber et al.. Homosexuality: A Psychoanalytic
Study of Male Homosexuals (New York: Vintage Books, 1962), 44—46; Gerard van den
Aardweg, Homosexuality and Hope: A Psychologist Talks About Treatment and Change (Ann
Arbor, MI: Servant Books, 1985), 64; Robert Kronemeyer, Overcoming Homosexuality
(New York: Macmillan Publishing, 1980), 60-61.
32. Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 82.
33. Robert Kronemeyer, Overcoming Homosexuality (New York; Macmillan Publishing, 1980), 71.

34. Michael Saia, Counseling the Homosexual (Minneapolis, MN: Bethany House Publishers,
1988), 57-58.
35. Martha Welch, Holding Time: Intensive One-Day Seminar, 1996; M. Welch, Introduction
to Welch Method Attachment Therapy, 1999.
36. James Bray and Donald Williamson, “Assessment of Intergenerational Family Relation-
ships,” in Eamily of Origin Therapy (Rockville, MD: Aspen Publishers, 1987), 31.
37. S. Allen Willcoxon, “Perspectives of Intergenerational Concepts,” in Eamily of Origin
Therapy (Rockville, MD; Aspen Publishers, 1987), 4.

38. Exodus 34:6-7, New Oxford Annotated Bible, Revised Standard Version (New York: Ox-
ford University Press, 1973), 113.

39. John Pierrakos, speech presented at “Love, Eros, and Sex” seminar. Seven Oaks Confer-
ence Center, Madison, VA, December 7, 1996.
40. Bernard Nathanson, The Genetic Auschwitz, presented at the Human Life International

Conference, Houston, TX, April 19, 1998.

41. Earl Wilson, Counseling and Homosexuality (Waco, TX: Word Books, 1988), 67.
42. Interview with Dr. Dean Byrd, April 13, 1999, Rockville, MD.
43. Irving Bieber et ah. Homosexuality: A Psychoanalytic Study ofMale Homosexuals (New York:
Vintage Books, 1962), 44—46.
44. Charles Socarides, Homosexuality: Psychoanalytic Therapy (Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson,
Inc., 1989), 63-67. :

45. Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 80.

46. Gerard van den Aardweg, Homosexuality and Hope (Ann Arbor, MI: Servant Books, 1 985), 64.

250
 NOTES
47. Quoted in J. Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 77.

48. M. Siegelman, “Parental Background of Male Homosexuals and Heterosexuals,” Archives

of Sexual Behavior ?) (1974): 3-17.

49. G. A. Westwood, A Minority Report on the Life of the Male Homosexual in Great Britain
(London: Longmans, Green, I960). Quoted in J. Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 77.
50. M. Schoefield, Sociological Aspects ofHomosexuality: A Comparative Study of Three Types ofHo-
mosexuals (London: Longmans, Green, 1965). Quoted in J. Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 77.

51. N. Thompson et ah, “Parent-Child Relationships and Sexual Identity in Male and Female
Homosexuals and Heterosexuals,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychiatry 41 (1973),
120-127.
52. Kronemeyer, Overcoming Homosexuality, 60—61.
53. Bly, 24.
54. Socarides, 63-67.
55. Kenneth J. Zucker and Susan J. Bradley, Gender Identity Disorder and Psychosexual Prob-
lems in Children and Adolescents (New York: Guilford Press, 1995), 254, 264.
56. Socarides, 18-25.

57. Moberly, Psychogenesis, 39; Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 43-45.

58. John Bowlby, Separation, Anxiety, and Anger (London: Hogarth Press, 1973).

59. Moberly, Homosexuality, 6-7.

60. Martha Welch, Holding Time: Intensive One-Day Seminar (audiocassettes, 1996).

61. yiohtily, Homosexuality, l^.lAlcoXoA, Reparative Therapy, 113-114.

62. David Seamands, Healing for Damaged Emotions (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1981), 69.
63. Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 26.
64. Moberly, Homosexuality, 21—22.
65. Saia, Counseling the Homosexual, 51-55.
66. Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 84.
67. Dean Byrd, Understanding and Treating Homosexuality, seminar LDS Church presented at

Therapeutic Seminar, Washington, D.C., March 13, 1998. (Taken form combined re-

search studies.)
68. Patrick Dimock, “Adult Males Sexually Abused As Children,” ofInterpersonal Vi-

olenceS, no. 2 (June 1988): 203-221.

69. Michael Lew, Victims No (New York: Nevraumont Publishing, 1988), 78.
Longer
70. David Finkelhor, Child Sexual Abuse: New Theory and Research (New York: Free Press,

1984), 195.
71. Robert Johnson and Diane Shrier, “Sexual Victimization Journal ofAdolescent
Health CareG, no. 5 (September 1985): 372—376.
72. Wendy Maltz and Beverly Holman, Incest and Sexuality: A Guide to Understanding Heal-
ing (Lexington, MA: Lexington Books, 1987), 72.
73. Wendy Maltz, The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse (New
York: Harper Perennial, 1991), 127.
74. John Gottman, The Heart ofParenting {Hqm: York.: Simon and Schuster, 1997), 166.
75. Gerard van den Aardweg, The Battle for Normality: A Guide for Self-Therapy for Homosex-
uality (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1997), 41, 48.

76. Gottman, 171.

77. W. Gadpaille, “Cross-Species and Cross-Cultural Contributions to Understanding Ho-
mosexual Activity,” Archives of General Psychiatry 37 (1980): 349-356.
78. Marshall Kirk and Erastes Pill, “The Overhauling of Straight America,” Guide Magazine
(October-November 1987), 9.

79. Alan Bell and Martin Weinberg, Homosexualities: A Study of Diversity Among Men and
Women (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1978), 308-312.

251
 NOTES
80. Enrique Rueda, The Homosexual Network: Private and Public Policy (Old Greenwich, CT:
Devin Adair, 1982), 53.
81 . Dina Van Pelt, “Gays Are More Prone to Substance Abuse,” Insight (5 November 1 990): 53.
82. Bell and Weinberg, table 21.12, 450-45 1
83. Barbara Leigh, Mark Temple, and Karen Trocki, “The Sexual Behavior of U.S. Adults: Re-
sults from a National Survey,” American Journal of Public Health 83, no. 10 (October
1993): 11403-11404.
84. Tom Smith, American Sexual Behavior: Trends, Socio-Demographic Differences, and Risk Be-
havior, GSS Topical Report, no. 25 (University of Ghicago, IL: National Opinion Re-
December 1996): 6, 7.
search Genter,
85. David McWhirter and Andrew Mattison, The Male Couple (Englewood Cliffs, NJ:
Prentice-Hall, 1984), 3.
86. Paul Cameron, “Homosexuality and Child Molestation,” Psychological Reports 58 (1986),
327—337, as M. Maddoux, Answers to the Gay Deception, 62—63.
quoted in
87. Nicholas Zill, Donna R. Morrison, and Mary Jo Coiro, “Long-Term Effects of Parental
Divorce on Parent-Child Relationships, Adjustment, and Achievement in Young Adult-
hood,” (1993), 91—103.
88. Thomas Verny and John Kelly, The Secret Life of the Unborn Child (New York: Dell Pub-
lishing, 1981), 50.

89. Ibid., 12-13.

90. Monika Lukesch, “Psychologie Faktoren der Schwangerschaft” (Ph.D. dissertation. Univer-
sity of Salzburg, 1975), as quoted in Thomas Verny, The Secret Life ofthe Unborn Child, 47.

91. Dennis Stott, “Children in the Womb: The Effects of Stress,” New Society (19 May 1977):
329-331.
92. Leanne Payne, The Healing ofthe Homosexual iNJe.sx.<A\tsxex, IL: Crossway Books, 1984), 21.
93. Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 145.

Chapter Four — Process of Healing: Four Stages of Recovery

1. A Book About Men (New York: Vintage Books, 1990), 72-73.
R. Bly, Iron John:
2. E. Moberly, Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic (Greenwood, SC: Attic Press, 1983), 38.

3. Jan Frank, “Stages of Recovery” (Speech presented at PFOX Conference, Fairfax, VA,
March 7, 1998).

4. Joseph Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy ofMale Homosexuality (Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson
Inc., 1991), 199-200.
5. Interview with Dr. Chrisopher Austin at the Family Life Center, Austin, TX, December 9,

1999.
6. D. Byrd, “Understanding and Treating Homosexuality, ” seminar presented at the Thera-
peutic Seminar, Washington, D.C., March 13, 1998.

7. Walter Trobisch, Love Yourself {Downtvs Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1978), 8-9.
8. Irving Bieber et ah. Homosexuality: A Psychoanalytic Study ofMale Homosexuals (New York:
Vintage Books, 1962), 220.
9. Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 103—104.
10. Douglas Weiss, The Final Freedom (Fort Worth, TX: Discovery Press, 1998), 34.

1 1. Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 34, 105.

12. E. Kaplan, “Homosexuality: A Search for the Ego-Ideal,” Archives of General Psychiatry 16
(1967): 355-358.
13. John Gray, What You Feel, You Can Heal (Mill Valley, CA: Heart Publishing, 1984), 86.
14. Steven Stosny, Treatment Manual of the Compassion Workshop (Gaithersburg, MD: Com-
passion Alliance, 1995), 17.

252
 NOTES
15. Granger Westberg, Good Grief: A Constructive Approach to the Problem of Loss (Philadel-
phia, PA: Fortress Press, 1973).
16. Ely, 118-119.
17. Moberly, 46-47.
18. Robert Moore, Rediscovering Masculine Potentials, four cassette tapes (Wilmette, IL: Chi-
ron, 1988).

19. John Pierrakos, “Love, Eros, and Sex” seminar (Seven Oaks Conference Center, Madison,
VA, December 7, 1996).

20. Ely, 25.

Chapter Six —Therapeutic Tools and Techniques

1. Ronald Richardson, Family Ties That Bind (Vancouver, Can.: International Self-Counsel
Press, 1984, 1987), 92-93.
2. Sunny Shulkin and Nedra Fetterman, “The Couples Journey,” presented at the AAMFT
National Conference, Ealtimore, MD, 1995.
3. Eugene Gendlin, (New York: Eantam Eooks, 1981), 173-174.
4. Earbara De Angelis, Making Love Work (Ealtimore, MD: Inphomation, 1993), 63.
5. Lucia Capacchione, Recovery ofYour Inner Child (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1991), 16.
6. Michael Popkin, adapted Active Parenting Liandbook (Atlanta, GA: Active Parenting,
1983), 23.
7. David Seamands, Healing for Damaged Emotions (Wheaton, IL: Victor Eooks, 1981), 60.
8. Martha Ealdwin, Self Sabotage (New York: Warner Eooks, 1987), 23.
9. Napoleon Hill, Think and Grow Rich (New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1937), 50, 68.
10. Harvey Jackins, The Human Side ofHuman Beings: The Theory ofRe-evaluation Counseling
(Seattle, WA: Rational Island Publishers, 1978).
1 1 . Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Couples Study Guide (New York: Harper
Perennial, 1988), 119.

12. George Leonard and Michael Murphy, The Life We Are Given (New York: Putnam, 1995), 8.

13. Exodus 34:6—7. New Oxford Annotated Bible.

14. Jane Myers Drew, Where Were You When L Needed You Dad? (Newport Eeach, CA: Tiger
Lily Publishing, 1992), 6-8.

Chapter Eight —Anger: Accessing Personal Power

1. Steven Stosny, Treatment Manual of the Compassion Workshop (Gaithersburg, MD: Com-
passion Alliance, 1995), 13-15.
2. M. Welch, Holding Time (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1988), 46.
3. M. Welch, Holding Time: Intensive One-Day Seminar, audio cassettes, 1996.
4. R. Ely, A Little Book on the Human Shadow (New York: HarperSanFrancisco, 1988), 48.
5. R. Ely, Iron John: A Book About Men (New York: Vintage Eooks, 1990), 8.

Chapter Ten —Touch: The Need Bonding and Attachment

for
1 . Ashley Montagu, Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin (New York: Harper and
Row, 1986), xiv.

2. Jane Warner Watson, My Little Golden Book About GOD (Racine, WI: Golden Eooks Pub-
lishing, 1956).

3. Earl Wilson, Counseling and Homosexuality (Waco, TX: Word Eooks, 1988), 35.
4. Paul Erand and Philip Yancy, The Gift ofPain (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing
House, 1997), 157.
5. John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail . . And How You Can Make Yours Last (New
York: Simon and Schuster, Fireside, 1994), 143.

253
 NOTES
6. Montagu, 38.
7. Laurie Weiss and Jonathan Weiss, Recovery from Co- Dependency: It’s Never Too Late to Re-
claim Your Childhood (Littleton, CO; Empowerment Systems, 1988), 97.
10.
8. Montagu, 126.
9. Ibid., 54.

George Howe Colt and Anne Hollister, “The Magic ofTouch,” Life (August 1997): 53-62.

Chapter Twelve —Mentoring: Restoring Love

1. Gilbert Herdt, ed.. Rituals of Manhood: Male Initiation in Papua New Guinea (Berkeley,
CA: University of California Press, 1982), 121.

2. Harold Bloomfield, Making Peace with Your Parents (New York: Ballantine Books, 1983), 9.

3. M. Welch, Holding Time: Intensive One-Day Seminar^ audio cassettes, 1996.

4. Patricia Love, Hot Monogamy, Sounds True Audio Tapes, No. 2, Side A. 1994.
5. Michael Popkin, adapted ^tom AMve Parenting Handbook (Atlanta, GA: Active Parenting,

1983), 23.
6. Ashley Montagu, Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin (New York: Harper and
Row Perennial, 1986), xiv.

7. Ibid., 28.

8. Ibid., 97.
9. Ibid., 146.
10. Earl Wilson, Counseling and Homosexuality (Waco, TX: Word Books, 1988), 61.
11. John Gottman, The Heart ofParenting Simon and Schuster, 1997), 143.
12. Montagu, xv.

Chapter Fourteen — Healing Homophobia: A Positive Response

1. Marshal Kirk and Erastes Pill, “The Overhauling of Straight America,” Guide Magazine
(October-November 1987), 7-14.
2. Peter Freiberg, “Gay Budgets Near $100 Million,” Washington Blade 30, no. 29 (16 July
1999): 1.

3. Ronald Bayer, Homosexuality and American Psychiatry (Princeton, NJ: Princeton Univer-
sity Press, 1987), 3—4.
4. Joseph Shapiro, Gareth Cook, and Andrew Krackov, “Straight Talk About Gays,” U.S.
10. News and World Report (5 July 1993): 46.

5. Felice J. Freyer, “Officials Say Being Openly Gay Isn’t a Detriment,” Providence Journal-
Bulletin (21 November 1999): lA.
6. Michael Swift, “Speaking Up for the Homoerotic Order,” Gay Community News (Febru-
ary 1987): 15-21.
7. Platform of the 1993 March on Washington for Lesbian, Gay, and Bi Equal Rights and
Liberation, Program Guide Project, April 1993, 16.

8. Luther Emmet Holt, The Care and Feeding of Children: A Catechism for the Use ofMothers
and Childrens Nurses (New York: Appleton-Century, 1935), as quoted in A. Montagu,
Touching, 148—149.

9. John Broadio Watson, Psychological Care of Infant and Child (New York: Norton, 1928),
as quoted in A. Montagu, Touching, 150-151.

A. Montagu, Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin (New York: Harper and Row
Perrenial, 1986), 152.

Chapter Sixteen A Final Thought

1. Robert Dreyfuss, “The Holy War on Gays,” Rolling Stone (18 March 1999): 40.

254
Attachment—an emotional bond between parent and child

Attachment/Holding Therapy— technique working with

^A for couples,
parents, children, siblings, and other relatives. Through attachment/
holding therapy with family members, much of the past can be healed
and healthy attachment created or restored.

Behavioral and Gesture Reeducation — ^A process to help men inherit

more masculine behaviors and women more feminine behaviors.

Bibliotherapy —Study of literature, i.e., causes of same-sex attractions,

healing of homosexuality, nature of sexual abuse, and other issues in
recovery.

Bioenergetics and Core Energetics —Therapeutic body work through which

the individual expresses anger in a healthy way, learning to release pent-
up bodily tension and pain, getting down to deeper emotions and needs,
and becoming more grounded and centered in the body.

—Having
Bisexual both
sexual attractions to sexes.

Bonding—A attachment between

strong a child and parent.

Breathwork— deep-breathing technique

^A to move repressed tension and
memories from the unconscious to the conscious level, bringing heal-

ing and release.

Cognitive Therapy —Techniques for understanding faulty thinking/ nega-

tive self- talk and learning new skills to correct the cognitive distortions.

Contracts —^Agreements to help individuals fulfill assignments. Discipline

is an area of weakness for many coming out of homosexuality, as im-

plicit in the condition is insufficient bonding with the same-sex and/or
opposite-sex parent. Making contracts to do homework assignments
and other tasks is very useful. Accountability is important.
 GLOSSARY
Enmeshment —Inappropriate intimacy, engulfment, a crossing of bound-
aries, usually referred to in a parent-child relationship.

Family Systems Therapy —Understanding the transgenerational dynamics

of the family system by constructing a family history, seeing the bigger
picture, and discovering how the individual is related to and influ-

enced by the entire family system.

Friendships —^Attachments between friends. Establishing healthy same-

sex friendships is critical to healing out of homosexuality. Four kinds
of friendships: 1) heterosexuals who know about the struggle and are
supportive; 2) heterosexuals who don’t know about the struggle and
are good friends; 3) fellow overcomers; and 4) mentors.

Gay — homosexual person who accepts his/her same-sex attractions. A

political term coined by the Homosexual Movement.

Guilt — Feeling bad for doing wrong or going against one’s belief system
or an accepted set of values.

Inner-Child Healing —^Another name for the unconscious. Inner-child

work helps the individual learn to identify thoughts, feelings, and

needs of the past and present.

Homosexual —The experiences of having sexual attractions for the same

sex; having same-sex attractions,

Introjection —The process of internalizing messages, especially from

parental and authority figures.

Meditation and Affirmations —Meditation is quieting the body, soul, and

spirit, and learning to listen. Affirmations are words that enhance
value and self-worth. It is wise to practice both on a daily basis.

Memory Healing and Neuro-Finguistic Programming — ^A process of

going back to past memories, reexperiencing what happened, and this

time reframing and healing the experience. This helps the individual
disassociate from the problem and associate with the solution.

Mentoring — Process through which a mentoring model fulfills unmet

homo-emotional and hetero-emotional love needs. The client is in the

position of adult-child and the helper is in the position of the mentor.

256
 GLOSSARY
Non-Gay Homosexual —The experience of having unwanted same-sex at-

tractions; ego-dystonic.

Opposite-Sex Attachment Disorder (OSAD) — ^An attachment deficit be-

tween a child and the opposite-sex parent.

Psychodrama — ^A technique used in group sessions, having people recre-

ate the family system or any other situation that caused harm. Here
the client relives the experience and then is able to release repressed
emotions.

Repress —To unconsciously bury feelings.

Role-Play/ GestaltTherapy— technique whereby

^A the client may speak to
parents, siblings, perpetrators, himself, and anyone that caused him
pain, by having other people play these roles.

Same-Sex Attractions — Sexual attractions for the same sex.

Same-Sex Attachment Disorder (SSAD) — ^An attachment deficit between

a child and the same-sex parent.

Shame — Feeling bad for being wrong; a deep sense of unworthiness.

Suppress —To consciously bury feelings.

Therapeutic Massage — ^A technique to help release many repressed

wounds in the body and bring healing and openness. Through thera-
peutic massage, the individual receives healthy touch.

Transactional Analysis — ^A paradigm of ego structure incorporating the

adult, parent, and child.

Voice Dialogue — ^A technique for discovering ones inner family, or sub-

personalities. It is also a method to uncover lost, or disowned, parts of
the self

257
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 References
Etiology and Treatment of Same-Sex Attractions

Kronemeyer, Robert. Overcoming Homosexuality. Farmingdale, New York:

Macmillan Publishing Co., Inc., 1980.
Nicolosi, Joseph. Healing Homosexuality: Case Stories of Reparative Ther-
apy. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson Inc., 1993.
Reparative Therapy ofMale Homosexuality. Northvale, NJ: Jason
Aronson Inc., 1991.
Satinover, Jeffrey. Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth. Grand Rapids,
MI: Baker Books, 1996.
Siegel, Elaine. Female Homosexuality: Choice Without Volition. Fiillsdale,

NJ: The Analytic Press, 1988.

Socarides, Charles. Homosexuality: A Freedom Too Far. Phoenix, AZ:
Adam Margrave Books, 1995.
Socarides, Charles. Homosexuality: Psychoanalytic Therapy. Northvale, NJ:

Jason Aronson Inc., 1989.

Prevention

Lively, Scott. Seven Steps to Recruit-Proof Your Child. Keizer, OR: Founders
Publishing Corp., 1998.
Schmierer, Don. An Ounce ofPrevention. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson,
1998.
Wyden, Peter and Barbara. Growing Up Straight: What Every Thoughtful
Parent Should Know About Homosexuality. New York: Stein and Day,
1968.

Children and Adolescents

Rekers, George A. Handbook of Child and Adolescent Sexual Problems. New
York: Lexington Books, 1995.
Zucker, Kenneth, and Susan Bradley. Gender Identity Disorder and Psycho-
sexual Problems in Children and Adolescents. New York: Guilford Press,
1995.
 REFERENCES

Christian and Jewish Books on Healing Homosexuality

Austin, Christopher, Cleaning Out the Closet A Step by Step Approach for
Christian Men Exiting from the Homosexual Lifestyle. Nashville, TN:
Power Source Productions, 1998. (1-800-331-5991)
Bergner, Mario. Setting Love in Order. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books,
1995.
Bulka, Reuven, One Man, One Woman, One Lifetime: An Argument for
Moral Tradition. Lafayette, LA: Huntington House Publishers, 1995.
Comiskey, Andrew. Pursuing Sexual Wholeness. Lake Mary, FL: Creation
House, 1989.
Consiglio, William. Homosexual No More: Practical Strategies for Christians

Overcoming Homosexuality. Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1991.

Dallas, Joe. Desires in Conflict. Eugene, OR: Harvest House, 1991.
Davies, Bob, and Lori Rentzel. Coming Out of Homosexuality. Downers
Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1993.
Harvey, John. The Truth About Homosexuality: The Cry of the Faithful. San
Francisco, CA: Ignatius Press, 1996.
Konrad, Jeff You Don’t Have to Be Gay. Newport Beach, CA: Pacific Pub-
lishing House, 1987.
Moberly, Elizabeth. Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic. James Clark &
Co., 1983.
Payne, Leanne. The Broken Image. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 1981.
Saia, Michael. Counseling the Homosexual. Minneapolis, MN: Bethany
House Publishers, 1988.
Wier, Terry. Holy Sex: God’s Purpose and Plan for Our Sexuality. New Kens-
ington, PA: Whitaker House, 1999.
Wilson, Earl. Counseling and Homosexuality. Waco, TX: Word Books, 1988.
Worthen, Frank. Steps Out ofHomosexuality. San Rafael, CA: New Hope,
1984.

Personal Stories of Transformation (Christian)

Howard, Jeanette. Out of Egypt. Tunbridge Wells, Kent, Great Britain:

Monarch/Regeneration, 1991.
Paulk, John. Not Afraid to Change: The Remarkable Story ofHow One Man
Overcame Homosexuality. Mukilteo, WA: WinePress Publishing, 1998.
Paulk, John and Anne. Love Won Out: How God’s Love Helped Two People
Leave Homosexuality and Find Each Other. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale
House Publishers, 1999.

260
 REFERENCES
Parents, Spouses, Family Members, and Friends
Anderson, Wendell and Nancy. Family Manual. Minneapolis, MN: Eagles’

Wings Ministry, 1991.

Wives Manual Minneapolis, MN: Eagles’ Wings Ministry, 1991,
1997.
Arterburn, Jerry. How Will I Tell My Moth erl Nashville, TN: Thomas Nel-
son, 1988.
Davies, Bob, and Anita Worthen. Someone I Love Is Gay: How Family and
Friends Can Respond. Downers Grove, IE: InterVarsity Press, 1996.

Johnson, Barbara. Where Does a Mother Go to Resign? Minneapolis, MN:

Bethany House Publishers, 1979.
Weiss, Douglas. Partner's Recovery Guide — 100 Empowering Exercises.

Forth Worth, TX: Discovery Press, 1997.

White, John. Parents in Pain. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press,

1979.
Wright, H. Norman. Loving a Prodigal: A Survival Guide for Parents ofRe-
bellious Children. Colorado Springs, CO: Chariot Victor Publishing/
Cook Communications, 1999.

Homosexual Movement
Bayer, Ronald. Homosexuality and American Psychiatry. Princeton, NJ:
Princeton University Press, 1987.
Dannemeyer, William. Shadow in the Land: Homosexuality in America.
San Francisco, CA: Ignatius Press, 1989.
Lively, Scott, and Kevin Abrams. The Pink Swastika: Homosexuality in the

Nazi Party. Keizer, OR: Founders Publishing Corporation, 1995.

Maddoux, Marlin, and Christopher Corbett. Answers to the Gay Decep-
tion. Dallas, TX: International Christian Media, 1994.

Magnuson, Roger. Are Gay Rights Right? Portland, OR: Multnomah Press,

1990.
Rekers, George A., Editor. The Journal of Human Sexuality. Carrollton,
TX: Lewis and Stanley, 1996.

Reisman, Judith, and Edward W. Eichel. Kinsey, Sex and Fraud. Lafayette,
LA: A Lochinvar-Huntington House Publication, 1990.
Rueda, Enrique T. The Homosexual Network: Private and Public Policy.

Old Greenwich, CT: Devin Adair Company, 1982.

261
 REFERENCES

GENERAL HEALING
Affirmations

Block, Douglas. Words that Heal: Ajfirmations and Meditations for Daily
Living. New York: Bantam Books, 1988.

Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy

Alberti, Robert, and Michael Emmons. Your Perfect Right: A Guide to As-
sertive Living. San Luis Obispo, CA: Impact Publishers, 1995.
Burns, David. The Feeling Good Handbook. New York: Plume, 1990.
Ten Days to Self-Esteem. New York: William Morrow, 1993.
Cloud, Henry, and John Townsend. Boundaries. Grand Rapids, MI: Zon-
dervan, 1992.
McGee, Robert S. The Search for Significance. Houston, TX: Rapha Pub-
lishing, 1990.
Schwartz, Jeffrey M. Brain Lock: Free Yourselffom Obsessive-Compulsive
Behavior. New York: Regan Books, 1996.
Young, Jeffrey, and Janet Klosko. Reinventing Your Life. New York: Dutton
Book, 1993.

Emotional Abuse
Gorodensky, Arlene. Mum's the Word: The Mammas Boy Syndrome Re-
vealed. Herndon, VA: Cassell, 1997.

Love, Patricia. Emotional Lncest Syndrome: What to Do When a Parent's Love

Rules Your Life. New York: Bantam Books, 1990.

Diet

Sheats, Cliff Lean Bodies Total Fitness. Arlington, TX: The Summit Pub-
lishing Group, 1995.

Eamily of Origin
Richardson, Ronald. Family Ties That Bind. Vancouver, Can.: Self-Counsel
Press, 1987.

GriefWork
Westberg, Granger. Good Grief: A Constructive Approach to the Problem of
Loss. Philadelphia, PA: Portress Press, 1973.

262
 REFERENCES
Worden, J. William. Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for
the Mental Health Practitioner. 2nd ed. New York: Springer Publishing
Company, 1991.

Inner-Child Healing
Capacchione, Lucia. Recovery of Your Inner Child. New York: Simon and
Schuster Fireside Book, 1991.
Illsley Clarke, Jean, and Connie Dawson. Growing Up Again: Parenting
Ourselves, Parenting Our Children. New York: Harper Collins Publish-
ers, a Hazelden book, 1989.
Levin, Pamela. Becoming the Way We Are. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health

Communications, Inc., 1988.

Pollard, John. SelfParenting: The Complete Guide to Your Inner Conversa-
tions. Malibu, CA: Generic Human Studies Publishing, 1987.
Taylor, Cathryn, L. The Inner Child Workbook. New York: Putnam’s Sons,
1991.
Weiss, Laurie and Jonathan. Recovery from Co-Dependency: Ids Never Too
Late to Reclaim Your Childhood. Littleton, CO: Empowerment Systems,
1988.
Whitfield, Charles. Healing the ChildWithin. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health
Communications, Inc., 1987.

Inspiration

Hill, Napoleon. Think and Grow Rich. New York: Fawcett Columbine,
1937.
Warren, Neil Clark. Finding Contentment. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson
Publishers, 1997.

Memory Healing
Bennett, Rita. Making Peace with Your Inner Child. Old Tappan, NJ:
Fleming H. Revell Company, 1987.
Carter Stapleton, Ruth. The Gift of Inner Healing. Waco, TX: Word
Books, 1976.
Payne, Leanne. The Broken Image. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 1981.
Seamands, David. Healing for Damaged Emotions. Wheaton, IL: Victor
Books, 1981.
— Healing ofMemories. Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1985.

263
 REFERENCES

MenA^omen Differences and Marital Relations

Gottman, John. Why Marriages Succeed and Fail: And How You Can Make
Yours Last. New York: Simon and Schuster, Fireside, 1994.

Gray, John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. New York: Harper
Collins, 1992.
Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. New York: Harper Collins, 995. 1

Hendrix, Harville. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. New
York: Harper Collins, Harper Perennial, 1988.
Kriedman, Ellen. Light His Fire. New York: Dell Publishing, 1989
Light Her Fire. New York: Dell Publishing, 1991.
Love, Patricia, and Jo Robinson. Hot Monogamy. New York: Plume, Pen-
guin Group, 1994.
Moseley, Douglas and Naomi. Dancing in the Dark: The Shadow Side ofLnti-
mate Relationships. Georgetown, MA: North Star Publications, 1994.

Parrott, Les and Leslie. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. Grand
Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1995.
Tannen, Deborah. You Just Dont Understand: Women and Men in Conver-

sation. New York: Ballantine Books, 1990.

Sexual Abuse

Allender,Dan. The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood

Sexual Abuse. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1990.
Frank, Jan. A Door of Hope. San Bernardino, CA: Here’s Life Publishers,
1987.

Sexual Addiction

Carnes, Patrick. Dont Call It Love. New York: Bantam Books, 1992.
Out of the Shadows. Minneapolis, MN: CompCare Publications,
1983.
Laaser, Mark. Faithful and True: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addictions.
Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1996.
Schaumburg, Harry W. False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sex-
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Weiss, Douglas. The Final Freedom. Port Worth, TX: Discovery Press, 1998.

264
 REFERENCES

Spirit Liberation

Anderson, Neil T. A
Way of Escape: Freedom from Sexual Strongholds. Eu-
gene, OR: Harvest House Publishers, 1994.
Fiore, Edith. The Unquiet Dead. New York: Ballantine Books, 1987.

Therapeutic Techniques
Baldwin, Martha. Self Sabotage. New York: Warner Books, Inc., 1987.
Berne, Eric. Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional
Analysis. New York: Ballantine Books, 1964.
Gendlin, Eugene. Focusing. New York: Bantam Books, 1981.
Hellinger, Bert. Love’s Hidden Symmetry: What Makes Love Work in Rela-

tionships. Phoenix, AZ: Zeig, Tucker & Co., 1998.

Jackins, Harvey. The Human Side of Human Beings: The Theory of Re-
evaluation Counseling. Seattle, WA: Rational Island Publishers, 1978.
Lo wen, Alexander. Bioenergetics. New York: Penguin, 1975.
Pierrakos, John. Core Energetics. Mendocino, CA: LifeRhythm, 1986.
Stone, Hal and Sidra. Embracing Ourselves: The Voice Dialogue Manual.
Mill Valley, CA: Nataraj Publishing, 1989.

Touch / Bonding / Attachment/Holding Therapy

Colton, Helen. Touch Therapy. New York: Kensington Publishing Corp.,
Zebra Books, 1983.
Joy, Donald M. Bonding: Relationships in the Image of God. Nappanee, IN:
Evangel Publishing House, 1999.
Montagu, Ashley. Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin. New
York: Harper & Row, Perennial Library, 1986.
Thevenin, Tine. The Family Bed. Wayne, NJ: Avery Publishing Group,
Inc., 1987.
Welch, Martha. Holding Time. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1988.
VideoTape Series: Welch Method Attachment Therapy, 1999. (1-888-
447-6872 or www.marthawelch.com).

265
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 National Resources for
Healing Homosexuality
International Healing Foundation (IHF)

RO. Box 901

Bowie, MD 20718
Tel. (301) 805-6111
Fax (301) 805-5155
E-mail: [email protected]
Web: www.gaytostraight.org
Healing seminars, speaking engagements, counseling, supervision, con-
sultation, resource materials. Richard Cohen, M.A., Director.

National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality

(NARTH)
16633 Ventura Blvd, Suite 1340
Encino, CA 91436-1801
Tel. (818) 789-4440
Web: www.narth.com
NARTH is a scientific organization of professional therapists as well as lay-
men in fields such as law, religion, and education. Call the office to join and
for a list of local referral therapists. Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D., President.

EXODUS International
P.O. Box 77652
Seattle, WA 98177-0652

Tel. (206) 784-7799

Fax (206) 784-7872
Web: www.exodusintl.org
EXODUS International is an umbrella organization for more than 100 ex-
gay Christian ministries throughout the world. These ministries provide
counseling, support groups, speakers, and literature. Contact EXODUS for
local ministries. Bob Davies, North American Director
 RESOURCES

JONAH
Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality
Main P.O. Box 313
Jersey City, NJ 07303
Tel. (201) 433-3444

Web: www.straight.org
Ex-gay ministry of the Jewish faith

Rabbi Sam Rosenberg, L.C.S.W, Director

Homosexuals Anonymous (HA)

P.O. Box 7881
Reading, PA 19603
Tel. (610) 376-1146
Web: members.aol.com/hawebpage
Homosexuals Anonymous is a Christian-based recovery network with
chapters throughout the world. Call their headquarters for local ministries.

Regeneration Books
P.O. Box 9830
Baltimore, MD 21284-9830
Tel. (410) 661-4337
Fax (410) 882-6312
E-mail: [email protected]
Book ministry of EXODUS. Call for a free catalogue.

Courage/Encourage
Church of St. John the Baptist
210 W. 31st Street, New York, NY 10001
Tel. (212) 268-1010

Fax (212) 268-7150

E-mail: [email protected]
Web: world. std.com/^courage
Catholic ex-gay ministries
Encourage is the Catholic organization for parents and family members.
Call for local ministries. Father John Harvey, O.S.F.S., Director

Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays (PFOX)

1401 X King Street

Alexandria, VA 22314
Tel. (703) 739-8220
Web: www.pfox.org

268
 RESOURCES
A Christian organization of parents, spouses, family members, and friends
concerned about their loved one’s homosexuality. Regina Griggs, Director

Evergreen International

211 East 300 South, Suite 206

Salt Lake City, UT 84111
Tel. (800) 391-1000
Web: www.evergreen-intl.org
Ex-gay ministries for the Church of Latter Day Saints (Mormon)
David Pruden, Executive Director

Transforming Congregations
P.O. Box 7146
Penndel, PA 19047
Tel. (215) 938-8770
E-mail: [email protected]
Web: www.TransformingCong.org
Ex-gay ministry for the United Methodist Church
Jim Gentile, M.S.C.C., Director

Pastoral Care Ministries

P.O. Box 1313

Wheaton, IE 60189
Tel. (630) 510-0487

Web: leannepaynenews.com
International ministry for sexual or relational brokeness.
Leanne Payne, M.A., Director.

One by One
P.O. Box 10055
Rochester, NY 14610
Tel. (716) 482-1991
E-mail: [email protected]
Ex-gay ministry of the Presbyterian Church
Theresa Latini, Executive Director.

NEFESH
International Network of Jewish Mental Health Professionals
Tel. (732) 363-2344

269
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 Resource Materials

Audio Tap es

Healing Homosexuality

MEANING AND CAUSES

The underlying meaning and causes of same-sex attractions are presented.
The many factors that may lead an individual into a homosexual orienta-
tion are clearly described. This tape is an excellent introduction for any-
one interested in the subject of same-sex attractions.

PROCESS OF TRANSITIONING
This presentation describes what to do in order to transition from homo-
sexual to heterosexual. A complete treatment plan for transitioning is de-
tailed in a four-stage model or recovery. This program has helped many
men and women come out of homosexuality.

THERAPEUTIC TOOLS AND TECHNIQUES

This presentation describes how to do it, a step-by-step guide to success-
fully work through each stage of recovery. Practical tools and techniques
are explained in detail. A list of books and workbooks are recommended.

AFFIRMATIONS AND MEDITATIONS

This tape consists of several wonderful affirmations and meditations to
use each day to aid in accomplishing and achieving your desires and
dreams. The affirmations and meditations are on such topics as healing

gender identity, building self-confidence, healing relationships, and

achieving your goals.
 RESOURCE MATERIALS
HEALING YOUR INNER CHILD AND MEMORY HEALING
Healing Your Inner Child is a meditation on recapturing and liberating

your true self. The concept of “inner child” is explained.

Memory Healing is about resolving painful experiences of the present and
past through guided imagery.

Cost: 1 Tape $10

2 Tapes $18
3 Tapes $25
4 Tapes $32
5 Tapes $40

Childrens Book
ALFIE’S HOME
Alfies Home is the story of a boy who struggles with homosexuality well
into his teenage years, then transitions naturally into heterosexuality after
finding help and experiencing love in his family.
This is the first resource of its kind available for parents, teachers, stu-
dents, therapists, clergy, and anyone interested in helping children and
adults heal their sexual/gender identity.

Cost $10

Video
HEALING HOMOSEXUALITY
This presentation will help people understand the basic causes of same-sex
attractions and the process of transitioning from homosexual to hetero-

sexual. Topics include:

• Meaning and causes of same-sex attractions

• Process of transitioning from homosexual to heterosexual
• Current statistics and research on homosexuality
• Agenda, strategies, and goals of the homosexual movement
• Positive ways to promote change

This presentation is excellent for schools, colleges, universities, religious

institutions, and mental health facilities.

Cost $20

272
 RESOURCE MATERIALS
Shipping/Handling

Up to $10 $3.20
$20-$25 $5.50
$25-$50 $6.50
$50-$100 $7.50
Over $100 7% of subtotal
(Foreign orders —add $5 per category. Payment must be made in a check drawn on a US dol-

lar account or US dollar money order.)

Make check payable to:

International Healing Foundation, Inc.

P.O. Box 901
Bowie, MD
20718-0901
(Order form on the Internet: www.gaytostraight.org)

273
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 Index
Numbers in italics indicate figures and exhibits.

A AIDS, as possible source of chemical

changes in brain, 19
AA, 69
alcohol abuse, 48
abandonment, feelings of, 40
acceptance, desire for, 56— 57, 86, 146
Alcoholics Anonymous, 69
accountability, 124 Alfies Home (Cohen), 103, 232, 235
altered state, 8
activities in mentoring relationship,
alternative lifestyle, homosexuality
206-207
addictive cycle, six stages of, 8
accepted as, 47
adolescent homosexual experimentation,
American Academy of Pediatrics, 232

179-180, 192 American Journal ofPublic Health, 49

4, 57, 169,

adopted brothers, study of homosexual- American Medical Association, 237

ity among, 19—20 American Psychiatric Association, x,

adoption, as factor contributing to 228, 229, 230, Til

Same-Sex Attachment Disorder, American Psychological Association, x,

51-52 228, 229, Til

50,
adult (as part of inner family structure),
American Psychologist, 23

145
American public, desensitization of, 48

adult-child, 200 American Public Health Association, 48

breaking through defense detach-

American Red Cross, 1

ments, 213 Anderson, Nancy, 241

experiencing value, 215

Anderson, Wendell, 241

expressing needs, 212-213 anger, 78, 85-86, 140, 151, 173-178

falling in love, 213 accessing, 175—177

forgiveness, 214 expression of, 175—177, 176

healing required for, 200 forbidden to express, 158

journaling, 215 function of, 174

learning new social skills, 214—215 management, 178

release of, 159—160
recommendation to have three
repression of in people with same-sex
mentors, 200
roles and responsibilities of,
attractions, 174

212-215 suppression of, 152

affirmation, 81, 205 angry (part of HALT), 126, 137

affirmations, xv, 73, 76, 77, 78, 116,

anonymous sex, 58, 74, 75, 90, 161,

180, 181
120, 131, 148-149, 154, 163, 205
 INDEX

approval, 86, 205-206 Bible, 30, 158, 177, 191

Archives of General Psychiatry, 19—20, 22 bibliotherapy, 71, 116, 121

arousal, 126 Bieber, Irving, 24, 34
artistic nature, 32, 45 Big Lie Theory, 47, 48
assertiveness, 116 bioenergetic exercise, 78
skills, 134 bioenergetic methods, 8, 175—177
stage four, 93 bioenergetic work, 59, 82
training, 76, 78, 83, 109, 133 bioenergetics, 79, 87, 91, 95, 116,
assumptions, 135 152-153, 156, 159-160, 162,
athletic inclination, 45, 46 165, 181
athletics, 117, 128 Bio energetics (Loy^tn) 152
avoiding, 56 biological predisposition, studies of,
fear of, 42 18-24
Atlantic Monthly, 237 bisexual, 18, 43
attachment Blake, William, 173

37 {see also Same-Sex

disorder, 27, blaming, 17
Attachment Disorder) Bloch, Douglas, 131
lack of, 73, 184 Bly, Robert, 3, 63, 89
manifestation of unmet needs for, 39 bodily attributes, 41—43
strain, 27, 37, 150 body, disconnection with, 55—56
Attachment/Holding Therapy (Welch), body-image wounds, 28, 41-43, 70, 87,
14, 94, 117, 149-150, 156-158, 156,218, 222-223
165, 166 healing, 118
inappropriate for unsafe families, 1 57 Boundaries (Cloud and Townsend), 206
See also holding boundary setting, 187, 206
attraction to people with similar charac- Bowen, Murray, 71-72
teristics, 126 Bowlby, John, 37
Austin, Christopher, 70, 121-125, 163 Bradley, Susan J., 35
authoritarianism, contraindicated with Brand, Paul, 185
Same-Sex Attachment Disorder, 71 breaking through defense detachments,
autosuggestion, 129, 149 as adult-child, 213
breathing, 153, 156, 159
B breathwork, 153—154, 165
Bailey, John M., 19-20 Broken Image if 2LynQ), 159
Balaban, Evan S,, 21, 23 Brown University, 20
Baldwin, Martha, 131, 145 building skills, 133
Barnhouse, 24 Burns, David, 81, 82, 133, 134, 135, 222
behavior, imitation of opposite-sex Byrd, Dean, 32
parents’, 35
behavioral changes, xiv, 162-163, 184 c
behavioral genetics, misunderstanding caffeine, abstaining from, 70, 123
of, 23 Capacchione, Lucia, 82, 146-147, 181
behavioral reeducation, 117, 167 Carlson, Richard, 133
behavioral therapy, 66—76, 108—109, 121 Catholic Community Services, 13
Bennett, Rita, 159 Catholic Ex-Gay Ministry, 70, 268

276
 INDEX

Catholic Parent’s Ministry, 70, 268 contact, fear of, 183

change contracts, 117
choice to, xi coping skills, 86
desire for, 66 core energetic methods, 78, 175
character armor, 84, 86 core energetics, 79, 87, 116, 152—153,
child, parentifying in mentor relation- 156
ship, 205 Core Energetics {^'itndkos), 152
child molestation, higher likelihood core pain, 211, 213
among homosexuals, 49 counseling, 67, 71—72
child sexual abuse, 8 Counseling the Homosexual (Saia), 38—39
Child Sexual Abuse: New Theory and Courage/Encourage, 70, 268
Research (Finkelhor), 43 creative visualization, 79, 82
childhood cultural wounds, 28, 46-50
core beliefs of, 88—89
memories, 112 D
trauma, unresolved, xi Daddys Roommate, 232, 235
Christian ministry, 70 daily mood log (Burns), 133
chronic anger, bioenergetics contraindi- daily rating sheet (Austin), 121-126, 122
cated with, 153 Dallas, Joe, 196
Civil Rights Movement, 229, 231 Dancing in the Dark (Moseley and
clean slate, 28, 30—31 Moseley), 165
Cleaning Out the Closet (Austin), 121 De Angelis, Barbara, 94, 140, 14 1, 165
Cline, Foster, 206 death, 50, 87
Cloud, Henry, 206 defensive detachment, 27, 38, 39, 52, 84
clown (child family role), 41 breaking through with mentor, 213
CODA, 69 developed toward parents in sexually
codependent behavior, 174 abused children, 43
Codependents Anonymous, 69 lust representative of, 186
cognitive-behavioral skills, 78 reaction, 37
cognitive reparation, 1 84 result of breaking down, 95
cognitive restructuring, xv defensive exclusion, 27
cognitive therapy, 76—83, 109, 116, defensive mechanisms, 84, 86
133, 135 defensive response, 24—25
commitment ceremonies, attendance delayed development, 108
at discouraged, 244 delayed gratification, harder to achieve
commonly asked questions, responses for boys with absent fathers, 45
to, 243-244 deliverance, religious, 164
communication, 109 demystifying of distant male, 68
in mentoring relationship, 212 dependence in mentor relationship, 202
skills, 76, 78, 83, 116, 133, 134, 171 depression, 81
stage four, 93 deprivation, sense of from lack of touch,
competition, fear of, 42 187
compliant nature, 32 desires, importance of understanding
confession, 124 origin of, 87
Constantine University, 5 Desires in Conflict (Dallas), 196

277
 INDEX

detachment, 31 eating healthy, 1 23

breaking down walls of, 204 Edison, Thomas, xii—xiii
correlation between degree of and education, 116, 121
desire for homosexual relations, 53 in mentor relationship, 205—206
generational, 112 educational system, 46, 47, 230
homosexual condition a form of, 158 ego structure, 117
result of poor body self-image, 42 Einstein College of Medicine, 19
from same-sex parent, 33, 34, 36, 37 Ellis, 24
sense of from lack of touch, e-mail outreach, 70
187-188 Embracing Our Selves (Stone and Stone),
See also defensive detachment 150
development, seven stages of, 142-143, emotion, suppression of, 186
143 emotional dependency, 174
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of emotional growth, arrested at time of ne-
Mental Disorders (American Psy- glect, abuse or abandonment, 214
chiatric Association), 230 emotional healing, 118
dialogue, 147 emotional incest syndrome, 34
diaphragmatic breathing, 175 emotional makeup work, 1 62
diet, 67, 70, 118, 128, 154, 163 emotional map, 140—141
“Difference in Hypothalamic Structure emotional processing, 59
Between Heterosexual and Homo- emotional recovery work, 155
sexual Men, A” (LeVay), 18-19 emotional reprocessing, need for, 161
Dimock, Patrick, 43 emotional tools and techniques
disassociation, 81 for grounding, 141—152
discipline, 117 for hetero-emotional wounds,
disorders, 86—87 165-166
divorce, 87 for homo-emotional wounds,
caused by projection of past resent- 156-163
ments, 94 for transitioning, 127—128
factor contributing to Same-Sex emotionally based condition, 25, 26-27
Attachment Disorder, 50 emotions, open expression of, 124
rate of, 48 enmeshed, 95
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuffand It’s All enmeshment-abandonment issues, 212
Small Stuff {Qzxhon), 133 entertainment industry, 46, 47, 73, 229
drawing with nondominant hand, 82, environmental factors, 20, 23
104, 147, 148 epinephrine, 86
dread, 139 escape mechanisms, 77
Drew, Jane Myers, 159, 166 etiology of same-sex attractions, 1 56
drug abuse, 48 Evergreen International, 70, 269
dysfunctional thoughts, accelerated by exercise, 67, 70, 75, 81-82, 117, 123,
caffeine, 123 128, 154, 163
ex-gay ministries, 8-9, 1 1-12, 43, 69,
E 128
early infancy, imprinting during, 36 EXODUS International, 11, 69, 196,
eating disorder, 181 267

278
 INDEX

expectations, 135 fellow struggler, 125

experiencing value, as adult-child, 215 female, masculine, 32, 33, 35
Exploding the Gene Myth (Hubbard and Female Homosexuality: Choice Without
Wald), 22-23 Volition (Siegel), 121

expressing needs, as adult-child, 212-213 female homosexuality, vs. male homo-

eye-hand coordination, 45, 128 sexuality, 28
female sexual abuse, 27
F fidelity, 49
falling in love, as adult-child, 213 Field, Tiffany, 189
false memory syndrome, 147 fight-or-flight, 85, 174
false self, 84, 86, 145, 151 Finkelhor, David, 43
family, as support network, 67, 68 Fiore, Edith, 24, 163
family constellation, 117, 156, 160, 165 Fiorile, 163
family discord, 3 focusing, 78, 79, 87, 138-140
family dynamics, 28, 40—41 Focusing {GtndYm) 138
family history, 116, 171 forgiveness, 87-88, 89, 118
family of origin, questions about, 75 adult-child, 214
family system (history), 110—115 forgiving, 90, 109, 155, 165
feelings accumulated from, 31 stage four, 93, 95
influences on, 160 Franklin, Benjamin, 126
re-creation of, 117 Freud, Sigmund, 34
family systems therapy, 28-30, 71, 116 Freudian psychoanalysis, 5
Family Ties That Bind (Richardson),' 110 friends
family tree, 110-111, 113 guidance for, 240, 242, 244—245
fantasies, 126 support network, 67, 68
father friendships, 117
making two rooms for (Bly), 89 fulfillment, learning skills of, 76
importance of presence of, 45 fun, 126, 128, 154, 163
popularity of, 45
See also same-sex parent for men G
father-daughter attachment, 35, 165 “gay,” 18

healing, 93, 94 gay affirmative therapy, xiii, 69

cc ” O
See also opposite-sex parent for women gay gene, 211
father-son disconnection, 56 Gay and Lesbian Task Force (Seattle,

father-son peer relationship, 37 WA, mayor’s office), 13

father wounds, 185, 186 Gay Rights Movement, 47, 48
faulty thinking, 116 agenda, 228—229
Fausto-Stirling, Anne, 20 goals, 233-234

Fay, Jim, 206 responses to, 234—237

fear, 212
84, 139, 140, 151, service provided by, 247
of homosexuals, 242-243 strategies, 229-233
overcoming, 124 Gay Straight Alliance, 232-233
protective mechanism, 242 gender, parents’ disappointment with,
Feeling Good Handbook, The (Burns), 35-36
133, 134 gender-appropriate behavior, 167

279
 INDEX

gender-detached individual, personality giving, 125

characteristics of, 78 benefits of, 190
gender differences, 116 Gloria Goes toGay Pride, 232
gender disidentification, 35-36, 59, goal setting, 129—131
174,219 God
contributor to same-sex sibling connection with, 204
abuse, 40 continuing relationship with in stage
result of opposite-sex— parent three, 83
attachment, 34 developing personal relationship
result of poor body self-image, with, 87, 108-109, 120, 132
42-43 experiencing value in relationship
gender identification, 18, 27, 33, 125 with, 72-73,81, 120, 132
desire for opposite-sex relationships lack of relationship with, 72
emerging from, 95 love of experienced through other
discovering causes of separation people, 89
from, 84-87 parents as representations of, 38, 52,
experiencing, 83, 118, 120 214
internalization of, 37 source of love, 72-73
lifelong block against, 37 stage four, 93
need for, 26 stage two, 76, 80
reclaiming, 162, 178 Gottman, John, 94, 165, 206, 215-216
rejection of, 38 grandiosity, 45
security in important to giving gratitude, 123—124, 130, 154
healthy touch, 184 Gray, John, 94, I4l, 165
gender-nonconforming behavior, grieving, 83, 87, 88, 90, 109, 147, 155,

32-33, 37 165, 178, 214

gender-specific activities, importance of process of, 156
in healing gender identity, 46 stage four, 93, 95
Gendlin, Eugene, 138-139 grounding, 64—65, 76-83, 132
genetic basis for homosexuality, 58, emotional tools for, 141—152
103, 230 intellectual tools for, 133—141
studies of, 18—24 physical tools for, 152-154
genetic predispositioning, 30 spiritual tools for, 154-155
“Genetic Study of Male Sexual Orienta- group session, 104, 172
A”
tion, (Bailey and Pillard), group sports, mentor for, 76
19-20 group support, 224
genogram, 110—111, 113 guilt, 84, 212, 242
Gershman, 24 of inner child, 88
gestalt therapy, 116-117, 156, 165
gesture re-education, 117 H
Getting the Love You Want (Hendrix), 165 HA, 69
Gift ofInner Healing, The (Stapleton), Hadden, 24
159 HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired),
Gif ofPain, The (Brand), 185 78-79, 126, 136-138
Gill Foundation, 229 mentor’s use of, 212

280
 INDEX

Hamer, Dean, 20-21, 23—24 heredity, 28—32

Hamilton, 24 hetero-emotional wounds, 28, 34—36
happiness, as “H” in EiALT, 137 discovering root causes of, 93, 95,
Hatterer, Lawrence, 24 165
healing eight-stage model for recovery, 1 66
emotional, 118 emotional tools and techniques for,

four areas of, 108, 118—120 165-166

groups, 59 healing, xv, 64-65, 109
intellectual, 118 healing with mentoring, 149
natural process of, 177 identifying, 109
physical, 118-120 intellectual tools and techniques for,

recovery through prayer, 70 165

spiritual, 120 physical tools and techniques for, 1 67
touch, 177 spiritual tools and techniques for,

Healing the Child Within (Whitfield), 147 167

Healing for Damaged Emotions (Sea- tools and techniques for healing,
mands), 159 165-167
Healing Homosexuality (Nicolosi) ,121 heterosexuality, growing out of fulfilled
Healing ofMemories (Seamands), 159 homo-emotional needs and gen-
Healing Prayers seminars (Payne), 159 der identity, 89
healing process higher self, 136, 145
behavioral therapy, 66—76, 108-109, high-maintenance child, 32, 33
121 Hill, Napoleon, 132
cognitive therapy, 76—83, 109, 116, Hillendahl, Lou, 12
133, 135 Hillendahl, Mrs. Lou, 12
grounding, 64—65, 76—83, 132 holding, 188, 189
hetero-emotional wounds, healing, environment, 127
64-65 in mentoring relationship, 207, 208,
homo-emotional wounds, healing, 207-211
64-65, 83-92 session, with family, 14, 96—98, 182
linear approach to, 64—65, 108 therapy, 95, 96-97, 104
psychodynarnic therapy, 83—98 See also Attachment/Holding Therapy
recovery, four stages of, 63-99, 65 Holding Time (Welch), 150, 187
See also inner-child, healing; thera- Holman, Beverly, 43
peutic tools and techniques; Holt, Luther Emmett, 236
therapeutic treatment plan; home, search for, 215
transitioning homo-emotional love needs, 24-25, 26
Healing Your Inner Child (Cohen), exploited by abusers, 43-44
82-83, 148 homo-emotional reparative drive, 26
health clubs, family-oriented, 76 homo-emotional wounds, 28, 36-40
healthy parenting, connection with, 204 discovering root causes of, 84—87,
Heart ofParenting, (Gottman), 206 90, 155-156
Heather Has Two Mommies, 232, 235 emotional tools and techniques
Hellinger, Bert, 31, 117, 160 for healing, 156—163
Hendrix, Harville, 25, 94, 134, 162, 165 healing, xv, 64—65, 83—92, 109

281
 INDEX

healing with mentoring, 149 promoted as normal alternative

identifying, 109 lifestyle through educational

intellectual tools and techniques curricula, 232
for healing, 155-156 promoted through school organiza-
physical tools and techniques tions, 232-233
for healing, 163 rebellion as part of condition, 244
spiritual tools and techniques redefined as inborn condition, 230
for healing, 163 research, 18—24
therapeutic tools and techniques Same-Sex Attachment Disorder, 25,
for healing, 155 27-28
homosexual activism, ix, 23 success in changing from, 24
homosexual activities, stopping, 108, 121 suppression 58-59 of,

homosexual attractions, potential vari- symptom, 24—25, 80—81

29
ables creating, twins and adopted brothers study,
homosexual community portrayed as 19-20
natural and normal, 232 use of positive language to describe,
homosexual condition, as form of de- 231
tachment, 158 See also Same-Sex Attachment
homosexual relationships Disorder
degree of detachment correlated with Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic
desire for, 53 (Moberly), 121, 196
short life span of, 37 Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth
homosexuality (Satinover), 23
acquired condition, 24 homosexually oriented, 1

causes, 28-53 homosexuals

changing public opinion about, latent heterosexuals, 73
229-230 fear of, 242-243
definitions, 24—28 Homosexuals Anonymous, 69, 70, 268
detachment at core of, 223 Hot Monogamy (Love), 165
developmental determination of, 24 Howard, Jeanette, 121
developmental disorder, 228 Human Genome Project, 30
disgust at, 247 Human Rights Campaign Fund (PAC),
disputed as normal and natural con- 229
dition, 48-49 hunger, as part of HALT, 78, 126,
emotionally based condition, 25, 136-137
26-27 hurt, 86, 140
etiology of, 121 hyperarousal, 28
female different from male, 28 hypersensitivity, 32, 33—34
focus on identity rather than behav- hypothalamus, 18-19, 70
ior, 231
immutability myth, 47, 228 I

lack of genetic basis for, xi, 1 8-24 “I” and “you” statements, 135-136
normalized through entertainment illnesses, 86-87
and media portrayals, 233 in utero imprinting, 36
public demonstrations regarding, 232 INAH3, 18-19

282
 INDEX

incest, 20 Inter- Varsity Christian Fellowship, 193

independence in mentor relationship, intimacy
202 equated with pain, 1 87
individuation, unsuccessful, 175 fear of, 26-27, 57, 88, 193-194
infancy, start of emotional effect of flight from, 93
parental conflict, 2 1 5-2 1 mind, heart, body, spirit, 167
inferiority, 45 sex as substitute for, 1 37
Inglis House, xii understanding fear of, 165
inherited self, 84 intrauterine experience, 23, 38, 50—51,
inner child, 144 52
dialogue, 87 Iron John, 177
drawing, 87 isolation, 137
healing, xv, 65, 76, 79-83, 84, 95,

116, 133, 141-143, 148, 156, J

165 Jackins, Harvey, 158
meditations, 148 Jews Offering New Alternatives to Ho-
self-parenting of, 200 mosexuality, 70, 268
three stages of healing, 146, Johns Hopkins University, 236
146-150 Johnson, Robert, 43
work, 104, 109, 223 JONAH (Jews Offering New Alterna-
Inner Child Workbook, (Taylor) , 147 tives to Homosexuality), 70, 268
inner family, 117, 181 Journal ofAdolescent Health Care, 43
structure, 144, 146—147 Journal ofNeuropsychiatry, 22
inner parent, 144—145 journaling, 79, 118, 124, I4l, 215
insecure avoidant attachment, 27 Jung, Carl, 34-35
insecure disorganized attachment, 27
insecure resistant attachment, 27 K
inspirational reading, 1 24 Kaplan, E., 24
intellectual healing, 118 karma, 30
intellectual tools and techniques Kinsey Institute, 48
for grounding, 133—141 Kirk, Marshall, 227
for hetero-emotional wounds, 165 Klivington, Kenneth, 21
for homo-emotional wounds, Klosko, Janet S., 133
155-156 Kreidman, Ellen, 94, 165
for transitioning, 121—127 Kronemeyer, Robert, 24, 34
intention, 14
interdependence in mentor relationship, L
202 Lambda Legal Defense and Educational
intergenerational understanding of Eund, 229
families, 28—30 Landers, Ann, 191
internalized parent, healing required layers of personality, 85, 86, 151
for, 200 Lean Bodies, Total Fitness {BWcdiX.s), 123
International Healing Foundation, 13, leprosy, 185
222, 235, 267 lesbianism, relationship with mother
Internet, 46, 48, 49-50, 151, 158 and, 195

283
 INDEX

LeVay, Simon, 18—19, 20, 23—24 search for in others, 58

Lew, Mike, 43 masks, 84, 86, 145
Light Her Fire {¥j:Q\dm'3ir\) 165 massage, benefits of giving, 190
Light His Fire , 165 massage therapy, 71, 104
limbic system, 85 Masters and Johnson, 24
“Linkage Between DNA Markers on the masturbation, 50, 53, 67, 74, 75, 90,
X Chromosome and Male Sexual 126, 137, 158, 169, 180, 181
Orientation, A” (Hamer et ah), Mattison, 49
20-21 McGee, Robert S., 133
literature study, 67, 71, 75, 116 McWhirter, 49
loneliness, 79 media, 46, 47, 48, 73, 101, 229
lonely, as part of HALT, 126, 137 avoiding, 66
Los Angeles Personal Growth Center, l4l meditation, 67, 73, 76, 77, 78, 81, 116,
love 120, 124, 148, 163
compensating for lack of, 72 aid in memory healing, 159
God as source of, 72—73 tapes for, 129
stage in emotional map, l4l meditations, 148, 154
Love, Patricia, 34, 94, 165, 204 memory healing, 87, 91, 92, 95, 117,
love-hate issues, 212 149, 156, 159, 162, 165, 214
Lowen, Alexander, 152 Memory Healing , 149
Lukesch, Monica, 51 memory lapses, 112
lust, 186 memory work, 1 04
men, types of attractions to, 112-114
M Men Are from Mars, Women Are from
MacDonald, Kevin, 45 Venus (Gray), 165
Making Love Work (De Angelis), 165 mental filters, 3
Making Peace with Your Lnner Child mental reprocessing, 162
(Bennett), 159 mentor, 8, 9, 125, 149, 184
Male Couple, Fhe (McNChirter and Mat- accountability in relationship,
tison), 49 202-203
male, feminine, 32, 33, 35 activities, 206—207

male/female differences, 165 adult-child falling in love with, 213

male friendships, desire for, 219 affirmation, approval, and education,
Maltz, Wendy, 43 205-206
mammalian brain, 85 avoiding unhealthy dependence on, 79
marital relations, 165 boundary setting, 206
marriage, inability to cure same-sex communication, 212
attachment disorder, 63-64, 66, defined, 200
89, 221 dependence or codependence on, 79,
masculine, accessing, 224 200
masculinity developmental stages of relationship,
experiencing, 118 202
female view of, 34—35 happily married couple as ideal men-
inability to internalize, 56 tors, 150, 166
rejection of in boys, 34-35, 37 holding/ touch, 207, 208, 207—211

284
 INDEX

importance of spouse’s knowledge of, rather than cause of

200 homosexuality, 22, 23
inappropriateness of crossing parent- Moseley, Doug, 165
child boundary, 203—204 Moseley, Naomi, 165
listening, 211 mother. See same-sex parent for daughters
need to be grounded in gender iden- mother-son relationship
tity and sexuality, 201 attachment, 165
need to have more than one, 200 closeness of, 26, 31
not using therapist or counselor, 203 healing, 93, 94
offering unconditional love, lack of separation/individuation in, 35
204-205 unhealthy, 34
parent substitute, 150, 161 See also opposite-sex parent
perceptions of adult-child, 211 multiple partners, 48
prayer, 212 mutuality, of mentor and adult-child, 215
reparenting self in mentoring rela- My Little Golden Book About GOD, 38
tionship, 211 “myth” of homosexuality, 47—48
repenting as abusive or neglectful
parent, 211 N
role in memory healing, 159 NA, 69
role-play, 211 Narcotics Anonymous, 69
roles and responsibilities of, NARTH. See National Association
203-212 for Research and Therapy of
same-sex role models, 161 Homosexuality
sexual feelings/desire for, 201 Nathanson, Bernard, 30
skin touch with, 202 National Association for Research and
support network, 67, 68 Therapy of Homosexuality
touch and, 184-185 (NARTH), 24, 267
mentoring, 79, 90, 92, 104, 117, 128, National Gancer Institute, 20, 21
147, 149-150, 156, 161-163, National Fatherhood Initiative, 48
165, 171, 197, 198 National Gay and Lesbian Task Force,
attachment model mirroring parent- 229
child paradigm, 200 National Lesbian-Gay Health Founda-
to heal relationships, 199 tion, 48
intimacy learned through touching, National Opinion Research Genter, 49
210-211 Nature, 22
model useful for homo- and hetero- natures, original and inherited, 30
emotional relationships, 201 needs, negotiating, 134—135
world-transforming potential of, 216 NEFESH (International Network of
Methodist Ex-Gay Ministry, 70 Jewish Mental Health Profes-
Miller, Alice, 149 sionals), 269
Moberly, Elizabeth, 24, 25, 37, 121, 196 negative self-talk, 8
Montagu, Ashley, 183, 186—187, Nelsen, Jane, 206
208-209,216, 236 neuro-linguistic programming, 117
Mormon Ex-Gay Ministry, 70 neurology, re-educating, 204
morphological differences, as result Neurosciences Institute, 21

285
 INDEX

New Warrior, 59, 224 P-Q

Newsweek, 23 pain, 86
niceness as idol worship, 174
pain agents, 81
Nicolosi, Joseph, 24, 25, 34, 37, 52, 121
pain pollution, 216
nonerotic affection, need for, 1 96 parent-child relationship, as learning
nonerotic same-sex relationships, 109 ground for intimacy, 199—200
nonerotic touch, 59
Parent Magazine, lyj
“nongay” homosexual, 18 parental relationships, 5, 26
nonsexual love, 1
parentified child, 40—41
nonsexual relationships, xv parenting
necessity of for healing, 26, 67,
search for, 26
118-120 three Ts of (time, touch, talk), 142
norepinephrine, 86
Parenting with Love and Logic (Cline
and Fay), 206
o parents
obsession, 170 201—202
best mentors,
obsessive-compulsive disorder, 79, 193
disconnection from, 103—104
older men, attraction to, 112 gender role models, 52
On Eagles' Wings: Family Manual guidance for, 239-241, 244-245
(Anderson and Anderson), 241 inability to serve as mentors, 201—202
One by One, 269 involvement in healing, 156
opposite-gender sexual abuse, 93 participants in healing, 149-150
Opposite-Sex Attachment Disorder, 39, possible inability to participate in
186 healing process, 94, 98
opposite-sex counselor, importance of in
representations of God, 38, 52, 200,
final recovery stage, 7 214
opposite-sex parent
Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays
abuse by, 27 (PFOX), 268
alignment with, 74 Parents and Friends of Lesbians and
attachment disorder with, 5 Gays (PFLAG), 229
attraction to, 27 Parke, Ross, 45
best partner for attachment/holding
Parrott, Les, 165
therapy, 166
Parrott, Leslie, 165
defensive detachment from, 39
passive-aggressive issues, 212
enmeshment with, 95
Pastoral Care Ministries, 70, 269
individuation from in boys, 38
Payne, Leanne, 15, 51, 159
overidentification with, 26, 35—36 peacemaker (child family role), 4l
opposite-sex perspective, 165
peer bonding, lack of, 45
opposite-sex rejection, 93
peer wounds, 28, 44-46, 70, 87, 156
opposite-sex relationships, 93-95, 165
peers, attraction to, 112
opposites, 107
perceptions of adult-child in mentoring
oppositional behavior, 114
relationship, 211
(Howard), 121 perfectionism, 45
overcomer, working with, 108
performer (child family role), 41
personal contact, as support network, 67

286
 INDEX

personal stories, 3—15, 55-60, techniques, 76, 83, 116, 133,

101-105, 169-172, 179-182, 136-141
191-197,217-224 psychodrama, 59, 87, 95, 117, 156,
personality, formed by age three, 187 159, 160, 162, 165
PFOX, 70 psychodynamic recovery work, 83, 109,
physical healing, 118-120 155
physical responsiveness, 126 psychodynamic therapy, 83-98
physical tools and techniques Psychological Care ofInfant and Child
for grounding, 152-154 (Watson), 236-237
for hetero-emotional wounds, 167 psychological community, propagation
for homo-emotional wounds, 163 of homosexual myth, 47
for transitioning, 128—129 psychosexual development, stuck in, 73
physiology, men more likely to shut puberty, unmet homo-emotional needs
down emotionally, 202 manifested as homosexual
Piaget, Jean, 126 feelings, 39
Picket Fences, 203—204
Pierrakos, John, 152 R
Pill, Erastes, Til rapport building, 127
Pillard, Richard, 19—20, 23—24 real self, 136
play, 125, 128-129 reality check, 135
playgrounds, avoiding, 66, 121 realization, 87—88
playmates, avoiding, 66, 121 realize, 93
playthings, avoiding, 66, 121 rebel (child family role), 41

political correctness, 60 rebellion, as part of homosexual

Pollard, John K. Ill, 147-148 condition, 244

pornography, 46, 48, 57, 67, 74, 75, rebirthing, 154
90, 151, 158, 180 rebonding process, 212
avoiding, 66 recall, 87, 93
Positive Discipline (Nelsen), 206 recognition, need for, 86
positive thought patterns, 118 recording sessions, 118
postnatal socialization, 23 recovery, revisiting memory lapses

power, 151 during stages three and four, 112

prayer, 67, 73, 77, 78, 120, 123, 130, Recovery from Co-Dependency: It’s Never
148, 154, 163 Too Late to Reclaim Your Child-
in mentoring relationship, 212 hood (Weiss and Weiss), 147, 186
preadolescent experiences, homosexual Recovery of Your Inner Child (Cappa-
thoughts and feelings originating chione), 82, 146-147, 181
in, 26 recovery process, four-stage, 108-109
preferential homosexuality, 47 affirmations, xv
prenatal brain hormonalization, 23 behavioral changes, xiv
prenatal psychology, 5 cognitive restructuring, xv
primal emotions, 215 hetero-emotional wounds, healing, xv
problem child, 41 homo-emotional wounds, healing, xv
problem-solving, 109 inner-child healing, xv
skills, in stage four, 93 nonsexual relationships, xv

287
 INDEX

overview, xiv—xv taking, 87

See also healing process, individual restoration, 91

entries 216
Resurrection,

recreation, 125 Richardson, Ronald W, 110

Re-evaluation Counseling, 158 Ricki Lake, 103
reflective listening, 134 risk taking, healthy, 1 24
Regeneration Books, 121, 241, 268 Rituals ofManhood, 199
regret, 140 role-play, 79, 87, 91, 95, 116-117, 156,
Reich, Wilhelm, 152 159, 165,211
Reinventing Your Life (Young and
Klosko), 133 S
rejection, 31 SA, 69
perception of, 84 Saboteur, 145
predisposition for, 31—32, 38 Saia, Michael, 38-39
relational patterns, learned, 28—30 Salk Institute, 21
relationships same-sex activities, 89
healthy, 125 encouragement of, 33
stabilizing, 80 Same-Sex Attachment Disorder, xi, 25,
relaxation, 124 27-28, 178
release, 87, 93 family system related to development
relief, 87, 93 of, 31
religion five-phase model of (Saia), 38—39
factor contributing to Same-Sex At- indication of delayed development, 108
tachment Disorder, 50, 52, 53 individual with seen as child,
role of, 114 188-190
religious-based support groups, 69-70 lust representative of, 186
religious community, as support net- mentoring individual with, 188—190
work, 68 See also homosexuality
religious congregations, ministering same-sex attraction
touch, 188 healing of, 59—60
religious institutions, 230 potential variables creating, 29
propagation of homosexual myth, 47 symptom of arrested psychosexual
reparative nature of homosexual orien- development, 18
tation, 24—25, 26 underlying drives, 26—27
reparative therapy, 171 See also homosexuality
Reparative Therapy ofMale Homosexual- same-sex counselor, importance of, 7
ity (Nicolosi), 121 same-sex deficit, 186—188
repenting as abusive or neglectful parent same-sex desire, attempt to rid self of, 38
in mentoring relationship, 211 same-sex friendships, 117
repression, 84, 86 good candidates for, 150
sexual fantasies as coverup for, 114 importance of, 150
responsibility, 88-89, 90, 93, 118, 155, same-sex group activities, 128
165 same-sex groups, 70
abdication of, 91 same-sex parent, 90
placing, 18 ambivalence toward, 37
stage four, 93, 95 attachment disorder with, 51—52

288
 INDEX

best person for mentoring, 90 Your Inner Conversations (Pollard),

defensive detachment toward, 84 147-148
detachment from, 74 self-perception of being different, 31,
disidentification with, 26 36, 112, 217-218
drive to bond with, 24—25 self- regulation, 178
feeling of rejection by, 38 Self Sabotage {p> 2\.dw'\n) 131
individuating from, 40 self-talk, negative, 78
peer relationship with, 37, 39—40 self-worth, 87, 132, 171
rejection by, 38, 39 building, 72-73, 93, 120, 129
rejection of, 38 continuing in stage two, 76, 77, 80
wounding by, 87 continuing in stage three, 83
same-sex peers, effect of relationship developing, 108-109
with, 45 diminished because of physical
same-sex relationships, 90, 155 appearance, 42
developing healthy, 89—90 low, 57
nonerotic, importance of, 58 sensitivity, 157, 179, 218
rejection of as self-protection, 39 criticism of, 41
same-sex sibling, wounding by, 87 separation anxiety, 28
same-sex social activities, 118 serving, 124
sandwich technique, 135—136 sex, as substitute for love, 72, 161
Santayana, George, 83 sex education, 48
Satinover, Jeffrey, 24 sex/love/intimacy
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts confusion, 186—187, 212
(Parrott and Parrott), 165 distinction, 166
Schoefield, M., 34 Sexaholics Anonymous, 69
Science, 18—19, 20—21 sexual abuse, 8, 20, 27, 28, 43, 87, 93,
Scientific American, 2 156, 179
scripture reading, 1 24 female, 27, 35, 195
Seamands, David, 38, 159 forgiving, 214
Search for Significance, The (McGee), 133 healing, 165
Secret Life of the Unborn Child, The sibling, 40
(Verny), 51 substitute for father’s love, 161
secure attachment, 27 survivors adopting orientation role, 44
self, 136 sexual activity, societal emphasis on, 72
connection with, 204 sexual behavior, cutting off from, 66,
rejecting because of rejection of 73, 120
same-sex parent, 38-39 sexual fantasies, 112
self- alienation from, 84 coverup for unmet homo-emotional
self-blame, 50, 200 love needs or fear of intimacy, 114
self-control, 45, 205 coverup for repressed anger toward
self-determdnation, 69 parents, 114
self-image, 118, 128, 154 sexual identity
self-knowledge, learning skills of, 76 indoctrination for youth confused
self-love, acquired, 72 about, 48
self-parenting, 79, 146—148, 200 removing focus from, 132
Self Parenting: The Complete Guide to “sexual orientation,” 231

289
 INDEX

sexual purity, 124, 126 sports, 67, 70, 81-82, 1 17, 154, 163, 189
sexual response, fearing lack of, 220 fear of ridicule in, 217—218
“Sexual Victimization of Boys” (John- touch among men acceptable in, 1 86
son and Shrier), 43 spouses
shame, 84, 212, 213, 242 guidance for, 241, 244—245
Sheats, Cliff, 123 importance of knowing about men-
Shrier, Diane, 43 tor relationship, 200
shyness, 4l part of support network, 67, 68
SIA, 69 SSAD. See Same-Sex Attachment
sibling abuse, 41 Disorder
sibling wounds, 28, 40—41, 87 Stapleton, Ruth Carter, 159
Siegel, Elaine V, 121 stinkin’ thinkin’, 78
Siegelman, M., 34 Stone, Hal, 150
skill-building, 83 Stone, Sidra, 150
skills development, 109 Stosny, Steven, 85-86, 173
skin hunger, 189-190 Stott, Dennis, 51
skin touch in mentor relationship, strength, 151
appropriateness of, 202 stress, 73, 77, 138, 120, 148, 154, 163
sleep, 123 subpersonalities, 117, 143—145,
Smally, Gary, 94 150-152, 223
Socarides, Charles, 19, 24, 34, 35, 43 suicide, 49
social advocacy, 69 support group, 67, 68-70, 105, 181, 182
social connection, 124 for child-abuse survivors, 195—196
social institutions, acceptance of homo- support network, 108, 116, 120,
sexual behavior, 234 127-128, 132
social skills continuing in stage two, 76, 77, 80
influence of father’s style on, 45—46 continuing in stage three, 83
learning as adult-child, 214—215 continuing in stage four, 93
social wounds, 28, 44—46 developing, 66—72, 67, 73
socialization, 117, 204 necessity of, 121
spirit influence, 163—164 need for involvement by, 77
spirit liberation, 164 reaching out to, 78
spiritual community, as support net- support system, 99, 120
work, 67, 68 Survivors of Incest Anonymous, 69
spiritual food, 67 Swift, Michael, 233
spiritual healing, 120 Systemic Family Therapy, 3
spiritual mentor, 149, 208
spiritual parenting, 79, 148-149 T
spiritual practice, 131-132 talk, as part of successful parenting
spiritual tools and techniques model, 142
for grounding, 154—155 talk therapy, insufficiency of, 108
for hetero-emotional wounds, 167 Tannen, Deborah, 94, 165
for homo-emotional wounds, 163 Taylor, Cathryn L., 147
for transitioning, 129—132 teens, attraction to, 114
spirituality, lack of in society, 72 telephone outreach, 70

290
 INDEX

temperament, 28, 32-34 therapist

Ten Days to Self-Esteem (Burns), 81, importance of attitude, 127
133, 222 need to be informed of all healing
therapeutic massage, 67, 71, 117, 154 activities, 200—201
therapeutic relationship, importance of, 71 opposite-sex, 93-94
therapeutic tools and techniques questions to ask of, 115—116
affirmations, 116 role of, 98-99
attachment/holding therapy, 117 same-sex vs. opposite-sex, 127
behavioral re-education, 117 therapy
bibliotherapy, 116 creating relationships outside of, 99
bioenergetics, 116 goals for, 109—110, 114—115
cognitive therapy, 116 initial session, 109—115
contracts, 117 Think and Grow Rich (Hill), 132
core energetics, 116 Thompson, N., 34
education, 116 time, as part of successful parenting
exercise, 117 model, 142
family constellation, 117 tired, as part of HALT, 126, 138
family systems therapy, 116 tiredness, 79
friendships, 117 touch
gestalt therapy, 116—117 administering, 184—186
gesture re-education, 117 attitude towards related to distance
healing, four areas of, 118-120 from wounds, 187
inner-child healing, 116 deprivation, 184
journaling, 118 essential for growth, 208—209
meditation, 116 fear of, 185
memory healing, 117 happily married people best to give,
mentoring, 117 184
neuro-linguistic programming, 117 healing power of, 183—184
overview, 119 importance of, 204
psychodrama, 117 parents as best bearers of, 188
recording sessions, 118 part of successful parenting model, 142
recovery time, 091 timing of, 1 84
role-play, 116—117 Touch Research Institute, 189—190
sports, 117 Touching: The Human Significance of the
therapeutic massage, 117 Skin (Montagu), 186—187,
therapy, initial session, 109—115 208-209
transactional analysis, 117 Townsend, John, 206
voice dialogue, 117 transactional analysis, 117, 143-145,
See also individual entries 156, 165
therapeutic treatment plan transference, 93-94, 99
behavioral therapy, 66—76 “T” in ElALT, 138
cognitive therapy, 76-83 transformational shift from sexual to
four stages of, 65, 65—99 fraternal, 68
inner-child healing, 65, 79—83 Transforming Congregations, 70, 269
psychodynamic therapy, 83—98 transgenerational “sin,” 30

291
 INDEX

transitioning,64— 65, 66—76 Watson, John Broadus, 236-237

emotional tools for, 127—128 Weiss, Douglas, 81
overview, 120 Weiss, Jonathan B., 147, 186
physical tools for, 129 Weiss, Laurie, 147, 186
spiritual tools for, 129-132 Welch, Martha, 14, 27-28, 37, 94,
support groups, 68—69, 75 149-150, 156, 187
therapeutic tools and techniques, Wesleyan Christian Community, 12, 13

120, 120-132 Westwood, 34

victim to victor, 9 What You Feel, You Can Heal (Gray),
transsexualism, 22 141
trauma, childhood, 191—192 Where Were You When I Needed You
triggers, 60, 79 Dadl , 159, 166
true self, 84, 136, 145, 175 Whitfield, Charles L., 147
12-step movement, 68, 69 Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
twins, study of homosexuality among, (Gottman), 165
19-20 Wild Man, 177
Wilson, Earl, 24
U Words That Heal (Bloch), 131
unconditional love, 204-205, 223 wounding, programming resulting
unconscious. See inner child entries from, 73
unification of masculine and feminine, wounds, 187
93 body-image, 28, 41—43, 70, 87, 156,
unmet needs, 218 218, 222-223
Unquiet Dead, The (Fiore), 163 cultural, 28, 46—50
unresolved issues father, 185, 186
childhood trauma, 24 healing and grieving, 118
part of inherited nature, 30 peer, 28, 44-46, 70, 87, 156
U.S. Department of Health and Human sibling, 28, 40—41, 87
Services, Task Force on Youth social, 28, 44—46
Suicide, 48—49 See also hetero-emotional wounds,
homo-emotional wounds
V
value, 132 X
building, 131-132 Xq28 chromosome, 21
result of being loved, 72
van den Aardweg, Gerard, 24, 34, 45 Y
Verny, Thomas, 5 Yeats,WB., 234
video therapy, 167 You Just Don t Understand (Tannen),
visualization, 124, 129, 139, 149 165
voice dialogue, 79, 87, 91, 95, 117, Young, Jeffrey E., 133
150-152, 156, 159, 165,223 younger boys, attraction to, 114

W z
Washington Post, 'IWJ Zucker, Kenneth J., 35
water, 123

292
 About the Author

M r.

pist
Richard Cohen, M.A., psychothera-
and educator,
the process of transitioning from
is a leading expert in

homosexu-
ality to heterosexuality. He is the author of
Alfies Home and Coming Out Straight: Under-
standing and Healing Homosexuality.
As founder and director of the Interna-
Holden
tional Healing Foundation (IHF) based in
the Washington, D.C., area, Mr. Cohen trav-
Peter

els extensively throughout the United States

by and Europe conducting healing seminars and
Photo
educational programs. He is a frequent guest
lecturer on college and university campuses,
and at therapeutic and religious conferences.

His work with IHF includes individual, couple, family, and group
counseling. In his healing seminars, he deals with such issues as marital re-
lations, communication skills, parenting skills, anger management, sexual
reorientation, sexual abuse, sexual addictions, love/sex/intimacy, and heal-
ing the inner child. He worked three years for the American Red Cross as

an HIV/AIDS educator.
Mr. Cohen has worked in several mental-health settings in child abuse

treatment services, family reconciliation services, general counseling,

HIV/AIDS counseling, and support groups.
His numerous TV and radio appearances and interviews have included
20120, Larry King Live, and Ricki Lake. He is a member of the American
Counseling Association, the American Association of Christian Coun-
selors, and the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homo-
sexuality, as well as a board member of Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays.
Mr. Cohen holds a Master of Arts degree in Psychology from Antioch
University. He lives in the Washington, D.C., area with his wife and
three children. He personally has made the change from homosexual to
heterosexual.
For information about speaking engagements, healing seminars, and
resource materials, please contact:

Richard Cohen, M.A., Director

Hilde Wiemann, Assistant

International Healing Foundation

RO. Box 901

Bowie, MD 20718
Tel. (301) 805-6111

Fax (301) 805-5155

Web: www.gaytostraight.org
 *
*

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Richard Cohen, M.A., a psychotherapist and edu-
cator, is one of the leading experts in the field of sex-
ual reorientation. He has personally made the tran-
sition from homosexuality to heterosexuality and
has helped thousands of men, women, and adoles-
cents make the change.
Cohen holds a Master of Arts degree in Psy-
chology from Antioch University. He has worked in

child abuse treatment services, family reconciliation

services, general counseling, and support groups.

For three years he worked as an HIV/AIDS educa-
tor for the American Red Cross.
Founder and director of the International Heal-
ing Foundation (IHF) based in the Washington,
D.C. area, Cohen’s work with IHF includes counsel-
ing, education, and consultation. His unique healing
seminars deal with issues such as marital relations,
communication skills, parenting skills, sexual reori-
entation, abuse, and addictions. A frequent guest lec-
turer on university and college campuses, therapeutic

and religious conferences, he also travels extensively

throughout the United States and Europe conduct-

ing healing seminars and educational programs.

Cohen has appeared on numerous TV and

radio programs including 20120, Larry King Live,

and Ricki Lake to mention just a few. He is a mem-

ber of the American Counseling Association, the
American Association of Christian Counselors, and
the National Association for Research and Therapy
of Homosexuality. He is also a board member of
Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays. In addition to

Coming Out Straight, Richard Cohen is also the au-

thor of Alftes Home, an illustrated children’s book

dealing several causes of same-sex attractions.
Coh en resides in the Washington, D.C., metro-
politan area with his wife and three children.

www.gaytostraight.org
 —
Self-Help/ Sexuality $27.95

SOMEONE YOU KNOW

NEEDS THIS BOOK!
Everyone knows someone with a homosexual orientation — a neighbor, co-worker,
relative, or friend. Coming Out Straight sheds light on a long misunderstood subject.
Questions such as what causes same-sex attractions and how one can transition from
gay to straight are addressed. Illustrated by those who successfully transitioned, this
book is engrossing, illuminating, and for many, an answer to their prayers. Although it

may create controversy, it is destined to heal many lives a loved one ... or maybe yours!

“Richard Cohen shares his compelling personal story in which he journeys from homo-
sexuality to a new life as husband and father. The transition has offered him valuable
insights into the nature and healing of same-sex attractions.”

— Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D., President

National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality

“In the midst of controversy over homosexuality. Coming Out Straight presents a clear
understanding of the causes and nature of same-sex attractions. This is an invaluable
resource for the mental health professional, clergy, and those who struggle themselves.”

— Jeffrey B. Satinover, M.D.

Author, Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth

“I strongly recommend Coming Out Straight for both homosexuals and heterosexuals. It

is compassionately written with clarity and precision for those wishing to gain a deeper
insight into the dynamics of homosexuality and for those struggling to change.”

— Rabbi Samuel B. Rosenberg, L.C.S.W., Clinical Director

Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality (JONAH)

“Richard provides firsthand knowledge of how to help someone overcome homosexuality.

This book is a must resource for anyone who desires freedom from homosexuality.”
—John Paulk. Focus on the Family

Homosexuality and Gender Specialist

“This book is a testament to a heroic and successful struggle to regain one’s heterosexual
destiny. It gives hope to many.”
— Charles W. Socarides, M.D.
Author, Homosexuality: A Freedom Too Far

ISBN -886939-41-1
OAKIIILL PRESS
1

5 2 79 5

Publisher of Business
and Self-Help Books
9 781886 939417