LOVE/SICK SCENE 2: THE SINGING TELEGRAM

(It’s 7:30 on a Friday night in an alternate suburban reality. Lights up on THE

ENTRYWAY of a modest home. A MAN in full singing telegram regalia knocks on the
door.)

LOUISE: (From off.) Oh, my gosh! Hold on, Hon! Just a sec! (More knocking. LOUISE
enters, getting herself together.) I’m comin’, I’m comin’. (Louise grabs her bag and a coat.
More knocking.) Hon! (She opens the door.) Relax, you’re early!—(The person at the door, a
man dressed in full singing telegram regalia, is not who she expected.) Oh—um…Hello.

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN: Hello. (Beat. The man seems to have been stopped cold by
Louise. He is smitten. Seriously.)

LOUISE: Um…can I help you?

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN: Oh. Yes. Um…Singing telegram for Miss Louise Overby.

LOUISE: What?

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN: Singing telegram for Miss Louise Overby.

LOUISE: Singing telegram?

STM: Yup. For Miss Louise Overby, are you Louise Overby?

LOUISE: Yeah…

STM: Okay, good. Singing telegram for Miss Louise Overby.

LOUISE: I didn’t know they had those anymore.

STM: They do!

LOUISE: Really.

STM: Yeah.

LOUISE: I thought they went the way of the drive-in movie, singing telegrams.
STM: Nope. Drive-in movies are still around.

LOUISE: I guess…

STM: And so are singing telegrams.

LOUISE: Oh. Okay. Well—this is weird—um…who’s it from?

STM: Huh?

LOUISE: My singing telegram, who’s it from?

STM: Oh. Ummm…(He checks.)…Greg.

LOUISE: (She likes Greg.) Greg?!?

STM: Greg, yup.

LOUISE: (Tickled.) Really? Well—…(Still tickled, searching to see if Greg is with the
Singing Telegram Man.)…what’s he—? What is he doing?, What is he up to?!?

STM: Um, I don’t know, can I come in?

LOUISE: (Letting Singing Telegram Man in.) Oh! I’m sorry! Yes! Come in, come in,
come in, I’m sorry!

STM: (Entering.) Thank you. (Beat. The Man seems troubled. Louise is so happy she
doesn’t notice.)

LOUISE: Okay…well…go ahead! Sing it! Sing me my singing telegram, Singing

Telegram Man! This is neato!

STM: Um, all right. Hello! Singing telegram for Miss Louise Overby from Greg.

LOUISE: (Tickled. Almost to herself.) Greg. What the heck is he doing?

STM: Um, so…you like Greg?

LOUISE: Yeah. I do. Wait—no! I don’t! I love him, actually!

STM: Oh.
LOUISE: Yeah. So much that I don’t really know what to do with myself sometimes, you know!

STM: Oh.

LOUISE: Yeah. (Bursting.) I think we’re gonna get married!

STM: Oh. >

LOUISE: Yeah!!!

STM: Congratulations.

LOUISE: Thanks, yeah! I’m lucky. He’s…pretty great. I mean—get this: Tonight—well, I
actually thought you were gonna be him picking me up—because tonight, he’s taking me
dancing! Isn’t that neat?!? For a guy to take a girl dancing in this day and age?!?

STM: Yeah.

LOUISE: Yeah. He’s always doing stuff like that, always surprising me…and, God, this
takes the cake! I mean—a singing telegram! So retro! >

STM: Yeah.

LOUISE: I mean, what is he up to?!? >

STM: I don’t know.

LOUISE: (She gasps—huge revelation.) Oh! Oh, my God! Wait! Oh, my God! I think I
might know what he’s up to! Oh, my God! Is this—… Wait—singing telegrams are for
special occasions, right?

STM: Yeah.

LOUISE: Oh, my God: Is he proposing to me?!? >

STM: Um…

LOUISE: Is that what’s happening right now?!? >

STM: Well—
LOUISE: Aaaaah! Oh, my God! He’s proposing, isn’t he! >

STM: Well—

LOUISE: (Beside herself.) Oh, my God!!! Oh-my-God-oh-my-God-oh-my-God! (Singing

Telegram Man is kind of frozen. Louise is jumping up and down.) Aaaaaaah!!!, Oh, my
God! Well, don’t just stand there! Go ahead! Sing! Sing! Oh, my God! This is so neat!
STM: Yeah. Um… (Singing telegram man prepares to sing. He is very nervous. He
stalls.)

LOUISE: Um…are you okay?

STM: Oh, yeah. Yeah-yeah-yeah.

LOUISE: You sure?

STM: No, no, no…Actually, I um…

LOUISE: What? Do you need anything—

STM: No, I um…Miss Overby:

LOUISE: What?

STM: I, um—…

LOUISE: What?

STM: I, um—…

LOUISE: What?

STM: I…can’t sing.

LOUISE: What?

STM: I can’t sing.

LOUISE: You can’t sing?

STM: Uh-huh.
LOUISE: What do you mean?

STM: I’m tone deaf. I can’t hear the difference between different tones. It’s just awful.
Like, if you sing me a note, I won’t be able to match it. Try it.

LOUISE: (She sings) LA.

STM: (He sings, way off.) LAAAAA, see? I mean, I know the general area, but I can’t
get it right on.

LOUISE: I heard you…

STM: Yeah.

LOUISE: Okay.

STM: Yeah.

LOUISE: You’re tone deaf.

STM: Yeah.

LOUISE: So you can’t sing?…

STM: That’s right.

LOUISE: And you sing singing telegrams to people for a living.

STM: Yeah…

LOUSIE: Well, how in the world do you do that when you can’t sing?

STM: What? // —Oh, um…

LOUISE: I mean, how did you get this job? >

STM: Well—

LOUISE: If you can’t sing?, How did you get // this job?!?
STM: Well, actually, there’s a real shortage of us right now.

LOUISE: There’s a shortage?!? // Of singing telegram men right now?

STM: Yeah, of singing telegram men and women right now, yeah, so I guess it must be
easy to get hired right now or something.

LOUISE: But—you can’t sing! Shortage or not, how could they have hired you if you
can’t sing?

STM: Well, like I said // there’s a shortage of us—

LOUISE: Aren’t their standards? I mean, didn’t you have to audition or something?

STM: Um…no…

LOUISE: NO?!?!

STM: No. Just references and a resume.

LOUISE: Just references and a resume?!?!

STM: Yeah. And I think they just liked me and thought I was pretty charming, // so—

LOUISE: Whoah-whoah-whoah, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Singing Telegram Man: I have a
real problem with what’s happening right now: Your company is misleading the public,
sending out tone-deaf singing telegram men. >

STM: No—

LOUISE: That’s wrong.

STM: Well—

LOUISE: That’s lying.

STM: No-no—

LOUISE: That’s unethical!

STM: No, no—you, see, I just think they thought that—when they hired me—that I was
pretty charming, and that I had a lot of charisma, and, so, I think they had the confidence
that I could pull it off, // but—

LOUISE: Really.

STM: Yeah, but—

LOUISE: Well, you are pretty charming.

STM: Thanks.

LOUISE: And you’re pretty charismatic.

STM: Well, thank you, I like to think so—

LOUISE: So pull it off.

STM: Huh?

LOUISE: Pull it off!

STM: But I can’t sing.

LOUISE: Tough!

STM: I can’t!

LOUISE: It’s your job. So do your job.

STM: But I—

LOUISE: Do your job, singing telegram man.

STM: (Fear.) But—

LOUISE: (She’s fierce—maybe loses it a little.) Do it. It’s not every day you get a singing
telegram—from the guy you love—and I wanna hear what he wants you to sing to me, Singing
Telegram Man, no matter how badly you might sing it! I’m excited about this!!!
This could be big for me!!!!

STM: All right, Miss Overby.

LOUISE: Thank you.

STM: Singing telegram for Miss Overby from Greg. (He preps.)

LOUISE: (Starry and tickled.) Greg. He’s is somethin’ else, isn’t he?

STM: Yeah. He is. (Little beat.) Well, here goes. (He sings the chorus of “Two Out Of
Three Ain’t Bad” by Meatloaf. And he sings it very well. Louise is still. We watch the
awfulness of this wash over her.) “I want you (I want you), I need you (I need you), but
there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you; now don’t be sad (don’t be sad) ’cause two
out of three ain’t bad; now don’t be sad…’cause two out of three ain’t bad.” (Long, long
beat. The awfulness sinks in. Louise devastated. She struggles to hold it together.)

LOUISE: Well…that was very nice.

STM: Thank you.

LOUISE: I though you said you couldn’t sing.

STM: I can sing fine. I just didn’t want to sing that to you.

LOUISE: (Beat. Louise processes. She’s in pain—but she keeps it together.) So…that was
my singing telegram from Greg?

STM: Yeah.

LOUISE: Have I just been dumped, Singing Telegram Man?

STM: I think so.

LOUISE: Wow. (The surreal awfulness of it all descends upon her.)

STM: I’m really sorry. (Starting to leave.) Um…I have to go, // so—
LOUISE: (Laughing.) Is this a joke? This is a joke, isn’t it? This isn’t happening… (Beat.
Singing Telegram Man doesn’t answer. It’s not a joke.) Oh, my God, this is happening.
Oh, God, why?!? Why is this happening? We’ve been talking about spending the rest of
our lives together. He wanted this!, I thought, and if he didn’t, then…why didn’t he just
tell me?!?, God!, Why would he do this?

STM: I don’t // know.

LOUISE: I mean, why would anyone do this…like this?!? (Uncorking.) If you’re gonna do…
this…you do it in person…or you at least call! What kind of a person does this…like this? (Little
beat.)

STM: The kind of person that I don’t think you wanna be with. (Little beat.) Um…I really
do have to get going. (Louise is an angry, snotty mess.) Are you all right, Miss Overby?

LOUISE: Yeah. I’m great. I’ve just been dumped by a singing telegram man.

STM: (Correcting her.) No. You haven’t been. I didn’t dump you. I would never do that.
Not like this. Not to someone like you. (He is taken aback by his boldness.)

LOUISE: (She is genuinely touched.) Well, that’s good of you.

STM: Thanks. (He starts to go.)

LOUISE: (Desperate.) Could you stay here with me for just a little while, Singing
Telegram Man? I don’t really feel like being alone right // now.

STM: Oh, I’m sorry. I can’t, actually. I have another appointment. >

LOUISE: Oh.

STM: That I have to make. >

LOUISE: Right.

STM: I’m on the job, you know? >

LOUISE: Right-right-right.

STM: And there’s a thing about fraternizing with the clients…

LOUISE: Yeah, yeah. Of course. Sorry.

STM: So…

LOUISE: Yeah. (Beat. Singing Telegram Man starts to go; he stops.)

STM: But when I’m not on the job, I can do what I want. So…maybe I could come by
some time.
LOUISE: Yeah.

STM: And we could do something. Or something.

LOUISE: Okay.

STM: Maybe I could take you dancing. I like to dance. (Little beat. Greg was going to take
Louise dancing.) Or we could do something else.

LOUISE: Yeah, something else might be better.

STM: Okay. We’ll do something else.

LOUISE: Okay.

STM: Bye, Miss Overby.

LOUISE: Please—Louise.

STM: Louise.

LOUISE: Thank you—(She searches for Singing Telegram Man’s name.)…God, I don’t
even know your name!

STM: Oh. Stew.

LOUISE: Oh, for Stewart?, That’s my favorite uncle’s // name—

STM: No. For Stew. ’Cause I liked to eat stew. When I was little. Seriously.

LOUISE: (Weird.) Oh. Okay. Well…bye, Stew.

STEW: Bye.

(Stew leaves. Lights fade on a perplexed Louise. No smiles, here. Existential space vacuum
sound. Music.)

THE END