MASK ONLY

by
Ana Nogueira

Ross Weiner
ICM
CHARACTERS

JUDY
20s/30s Funny, intelligent, has bigger dreams than she can admit to herself. She is Jack's best
friend. Sometimes gets in her own way. Judy is "real." She is not unattractive, but she is not the
female ideal. She's just a real woman trying to make it in a business that thrives on a fantasy.

JEFF
20s/30s Passionate, talented. Has a great sense of humor, but deep down takes it all very
seriously. He is Judy's best friend. Jeff is also "real." Anything about him that might come off as
a typical "Queen" is extremely authentic.

MARK
20s/30s Robert Redford's character from "The Way We Were" if instead of being a novelist he
was a musical theater performer. Good looking. Complacent. Things come easily to him. And he
is whoever you want him to be.

ACTRESS/BACHELORETTE/DOORMAN/CASTING DIRECTOR
30s A beautiful young actress who seems to have it all/A drunk Bachelorette/An Icon in Drag/An
exhausted casting director

SETTING

2013. The stage door of IF/THEN, an audition waiting room, a drag club.

"You are a divine elephant with amnesia

Trying to live in an ant
Hole.
Sweetheart, O sweetheart
You are God in
Drag!"

- Hafiz

"You want our blood, but you don't want our pain." - Whitney Houston
 SCENE ONE.

JUDY and JEFF stand outside the stage door of the

Broadway musical IF/THEN. A DOORMAN guards the
entrance.

JUDY
Nope.

JEFF
Yes.

JUDY
No!

JEFF
Absolutely. Sorry.

JUDY
I Disagree.

JEFF
Um, but you can’t.

JUDY
Oh but I do.

JEFF
You can’t disagree with a fact, babe.

JUDY
UH -

JEFF
It’s true -

JUDY
Let’s all calm down here.

JEFF
I bet I could find 50 people on the street right now who agree with me.

JUDY
90% of these people are tourists. Are we agreeing with tourists now?
 2.

JEFF
Fair. Gross. No.

JUDY
I just. I see it differently.

JEFF
How

JUDY
Because the tragedy is implicit in the casting. The missed opportunity. The life un-lived.
The road you didn’t take.

JEFF
Wrong show.

JUDY
But same idea! When Bernadette Peters says “I was born too soon and I started too late.
With what I have in me I could have been better than any of you!” I believe her. I’m like
“You could have blown your daughter out of the fucking water. You’re the real star,
honey. But you got pregnant. And no one wants to see a pregnant stripper. Not in 1920
anyway. So you missed your chance. Done. ”

JEFF
Being a woman is garbage.

JUDY
Yes.

JEFF
I’m sorry.

JUDY
Thank you. And that version of the story breaks my fucking heart. It’s almost too much to
bear. But when Patti says that line? I’m like “Mmmm, really girl? You really think you
could have been Gypsy Rose Lee? Be honest with yourself. Look at your life, look at
your bone structure. You’ve never been anything but Mama Rose.”

JEFF
First of all, Patti was hot when she was younger.

JUDY
You are the only person that knows that.
 3.

JEFF
Second of all. You are correct. / Patti came out of the womb as Mama Rose.

JUDY
Ah- Hah!

JEFF
But But But - Oh, girl I am not done. First of all. FIRST OF ALL. I know for a fact that
you never saw Patti do it live.

JUDY
Okay, yes true. But I’ve seen every recording in existence / I am positive of that.

JEFF
You know that doesn’t count and you should be automatically disqualified - but I will
continue for the sake of argument.

JUDY
So generous -

JEFF
Bernadette might have made a believable stripper, BUT she feels soft and meek and like
a little baby lamb -

JUDY
Wrong character -

JEFF
Where Patti feels dangerous. I’m like actually afraid of what she’s going to do. Is she
going to stab her daughter? Is she going to rape Herbie? / Is she going to unhinge her jaw
and eat them all? I don’t know! I honestly don’t know. And that’s what keeps me hooked.

JUDY
Rape Herbie?

JUDY
But is that because of her acting or because of what you know about Patti Lupone?

JEFF
It’s both! It’s both and that’s the point! Just like you knowing that Bernadette Peters in
real life was a child actress - it all elevates the material. I need to feel afraid of my Mama
Rose. Not like she’s the most delicate person on stage.
 4.

JUDY
Mmmmm. Maybe.

JEFF
Oh oh oh, you know I’m right.

JUDY
Don’t get excited. This is a draw.

JEFF
We’ll table it.

Beat.

JUDY
Well Patti is definitely better than Imelda.

JEFF
Oh Christ Imelda.

JUDY
Like a caricature of a caricature of a performance by my mother in community theater.

JEFF
It was pretty much just drag.

JUDY
I saw you do Mama Rose in drag and you were better. You were better than Imelda.

JEFF
Should I bring back my Mama Rose?

JUDY
Maybe? No. Well. Maybe! Maybe do Imelda. And like, don’t change anything.

JEFF
British people don’t understand Gypsy.

JUDY
I’d go as far as to say that British people don’t understand musical theater.

JEFF
Whoa.

JUDY
I know. / Shh.
 5.

JEFF
Shhh. It’s not theirs!

JUDY
It’s ours.

The doorman goes inside. As the door opens you can hear
the faintest sounds from the stage.

JEFF
What song do you think they’re on right now?

JUDY

(listening)
“Learn to Live Without.”

JEFF
Ugh. I really feel like it’s gonna rain! She’ll never come out if it’s raining.

JUDY
She came out during that drizzle!

JEFF
But she got in the car after like, two signs.

JUDY
Yeah but now we are in the front. If she gets two signs in they will be our signs. What’d
you bring?

JEFF
Just a playbill. You?

He shows her his If/Then playbill.

JUDY
Playbill...S.

JEFF
S?

She pulls out her stack of playbills: Wicked, Rent,

Lippa’s Wild Party, finally, IF/Then.
 6.

JEFF
I mean....

JUDY
I know.

JEFF
You look -

JUDY
I know

JEFF
Insane?

JUDY
Yeah...

JEFF
But also -

JUDY
/Ugh. It’s bad.

JEFF
Amazing. You’re Little Edie.

JUDY
She’s gonna think I’m like psychotic.

JEFF
She’s gonna be flattered!

JUDY
Mmmm. Maybe I’ll just do If/Then.

JEFF
How did you get an original Rent playbill?

JUDY
I saw it.

JEFF
Original cast?!
 7.

JUDY
You knew that!

JEFF
I didn’t know ORIGINAL CAST. We weren’t old enough?

JUDY
I was 12.

JEFF
Your parents let you see Rent when you were 12?

JUDY
They took my sister to see it and I threw a fit.

JEFF
Sounds right.

JUDY
Like, a wailing cunty fit. So they took me. I didn’t know what AIDS was. I didn’t know
what AIDS was for like...a long time after I saw it.

JEFF
What did you think was going on?

JUDY
I just thought they were all poor and cool.

JEFF
Being poor is definitely not what Rent made us think it would be like. Like, lofts.

JUDY
For free.

JEFF
And still so complainy.

JUDY
I wanna be Rent poor.

JEFF
What did you think was going on during Hot Hot Hot?
 8.

JUDY
Oh, I mean. I thought people were fucking under the sheets. 12 year olds can figure that
out. But I didn’t realize like, all the intricacies of the fucking. Again until like...a long
time after I saw it.

Beat.

JEFF
And....how was she?

JUDY
Is that a serious question? You know how she was.

JEFF
Incredible?

JUDY
She was just - I’d never - I mean, okay - she was 26 years old.

JEFF
I can’t.

JUDY
When I was 26 I was -

JEFF
No.

JUDY
Exactly. And like - she was already so like, actualized? Like such a person already. A
REAL person. That was the thing. That’s it. Everyone was talented. But she was - she
was so real.

JEFF
She is gonna see that playbill and she is gonna fucking DIE.

JUDY
I just hope it doesn’t rain.

JEFF
Excuse me, you said the rain wouldn’t matter.

JUDY
The rain matters.
 9.

JEFF
Ugh. She never fucking comes out.

Beat.

JUDY
I heard she came out last Tuesday.

JEFF
Don’t tell me that.

JUDY
I know.

JEFF
From who?

JUDY
You don’t want to know.

JEFF
.....

JUDY
.....

JEFF
.....

JUDY
Travis Binstock.

JEFF
I hate you.

JUDY
I said you didn’t want to know!

JEFF
How is that fair??

JUDY
It’s not. It’s not fair.

JEFF
Did she sign?
 10.

JUDY
Of course she did. If she comes out she’s gonna sign.

JEFF
I fucking hate him.

JUDY
So does everyone.

JEFF
Not everyone.

JUDY
Stop.

JEFF
David does not hate him.

JUDY
I actually kinda feel like David does hate him? Like they hate each other and themselves
and that’s why they’re together.

JEFF
They don’t talk. They barely even fuck. They just take shirtless pictures of each other and
themselves. Did I tell you they came to my show?

JUDY
What? No you did not - what.

JEFF
I saw them, in the audience. They were like, lit.

JUDY
Like, drunk?

JEFF
No like, well lit. They like, chose seats that were under lights. So they could be seen.

JUDY
Hideous. They are hideous.

JEFF
I was so distracted.

JUDY
Ugh! Who were you doing?
 11.

JEFF
Barbra. Of course.

JUDY
Don’t Rain on My Parade?

JEFF
No. Yentl.

JUDY
Ugh.

JEFF
Not how I wanted them to see me.

JUDY
They don’t get the irony.

JEFF
Absolutely not.

JUDY
What did they say after the show?

JEFF
They didn’t. They didn’t say anything. They. Motherfucking. Left.

JUDY
!!! Cowards.

JEFF
It made me feel so icky!

JUDY
Of course it did!

JEFF
Was I so bad that they couldn’t conjure up some sort of compliment, some small thing to
say? About my makeup at least? Or my wig?

JUDY
Is it the wig that you cut? Did you do the hair cutting?

JEFF
Yes!!
 12.

JUDY
That’s the best wig trick ever!

JEFF
I know!! Who sees that and doesn’t at least text about it?

JUDY
This was last week? Why didn’t you tell me?

JEFF
Because I spiraled.

JUDY
Uh oh.

JEFF
I went home and I stalked. I stalked a lot.

JUDY
Oh sweetie.

JEFF
I know.

JUDY
How long?

JEFF
Hours.

JUDY
Why!

JEFF
I’m fragile! I’m imperfect!

JUDY
What did you find?

Beat.

JEFF
“Masc Only.”
 13.

JUDY
What?

JEFF
“Masc Only”

JUDY
I don’t know what words you’re saying.

JEFF
“Masculine Only.” It’s what David has on his profile. Only wants masculine guys. He
broke up with me and sprinted in the other direction.

JUDY
And he got Travis?

JEFF
Travis has substantial body hair.

JUDY
Travis is not what I would call masculine.

JEFF
But he performs it. He performs it right now because it’s trendy.

JUDY
It’s misogyny.

JEFF
It’s homophobia. Fear of the gay. Of the femme. And here I am doing drag. Doing
YENTL. I should just start wearing a baseball cap and drinking beer and grow a goddamn
mustache. Start making this face.

He makes that ridiculous face that men make when they

are posing for a picture, that furrowed brow thing.

JUDY
You wouldn’t be happy.

JEFF
But I would have a boyfriend.

Beat.
 14.

JUDY
You know what?

JEFF
What?

JUDY
I bet they left, because they like, got in a big fat fight about you. Like, I bet Travis was
watching David watch you the whole time. And at the end Travis just got up and left in a
huff and was like “I know you still have feelings for him” And maybe he even cried? No,
no, he doesn’t cry. He’s a mannequin. But David couldn’t deny his feelings for you. Not
believably anyway. And after Travis went to sleep, David went on YouTube and looked
up all your old drag performances and he saw your depth, and your nuance, and your
great legs and he had the thought “Travis is empty. Jeff is full, and Travis is an empty
vase, filling himself with flowers, dead, masculine flowers, that wilt and decay after a
week. But Jeff. Jeff is a garden. I left a garden for an empty vase.”

JEFF
Wow.

JUDY
And if Travis is capable of having feelings, he definitely had them that night about you.
And they were feelings of envy. And below the envy was the void. The unfillable void of
his self. His empty narcissistic shell, constantly searching for something to suck in and
destroy. So he won’t be alone in his vacuous soul.

JEFF
You are. The best kind of friend.

Smiles. Beat.

JEFF
Fuck! He got her to sign!

JUDY
I know.

JEFF
The day before she got sick.

JUDY
The worst. If it rains she’s never coming out.
 15.

She looks down at her pants zipper.

JUDY
Shit.

JEFF
What?

JUDY
These pants. The zipper - It keeps coming down, like, while I’m just standing here.

JEFF
Rude.

JUDY
I noticed it today when I got out of an audition. Like my fly was down while I was
singing.

JEFF
You had an audition today?! That’s fun!

JUDY
Just an EPA.

JEFF
Ah.

Beat. That’s a little sad.

JUDY
I would return them but I’ve worn them too many times I think.

JEFF
Just wash and return.

JUDY
I can’t wash and return. They might shrink.

JEFF
Maybe you can exchange for the size up.

Beat.
 16.

JUDY
The size up?

JEFF
Well, yeah. Isn’t that why the zipper is going down?

JUDY
I think it’s just a bad zipper. Why would that be why the zipper is going down?

JEFF
Well it’s like, too much, stuff...inside....the pants and so like - the zipper has / to - it’s
because they’re high waisted.

JUDY
Stuff inside the pants?

JEFF

(covering)
Yeah like air. Like oxygen. When you have pants that are that high waisted, and you
breath, the oxygen has nowhere to go. So that’s what’s happening.

JUDY
I feel like a size up will be too big.

JEFF
Yeah, no. They will. Definitely. You should just get the zipper replaced.

Beat.

JUDY
I’m just really trying to sell this apartment and I think it’s making me stress eat.

JEFF
That makes sense!

JUDY
What are you talking about. You’ve never stress eaten in your life.

JEFF
I stress other things. I should probably start stress eating. I can’t believe you’re still going
to auditions while you are trying to sell that apartment.

JUDY
It was a good show for me.
 17.

JEFF
What show?

JUDY
Avenue Q.

JEFF
Off Broadway?!

JUDY
No, um. Just up in Maine. Summer production.

JEFF
Mmm.

Beat. That’s even sadder.

JUDY
I just need to sell it and then I will have time to go to the gym again.

JEFF
You should come take class with me!

JUDY
Ha!

JEFF
You SHOULD.

JUDY
I’d die? Probably?

JEFF
Just the first time.

JUDY
Yeah. Pass.

Beat. She does need to start taking better care of herself.

JUDY
Maybe in the New Year.
 18.

JEFF

(gesturing to the theater)

I want her to come.

JUDY
Oh my god.

JEFF
I know.

JUDY
She should! She would.

JEFF
I just need her to come out and fucking sign and then I can ask her.

JUDY
Just breezy.

JEFF
“Hey I teach this class -

JUDY
- Not that you need it. You’re perfect. Graceful, lithe -

JEFF
I mean, Judy here saw your ass in the 90s and she doesn’t think you need the class”

JUDY
She’s totally gonna do it. If she takes class I will take class.

JEFF
Ahh!

JUDY
She just has to come out and fucking SIGN.

JEFF
Like she did for fucking Travis Binstock.

JUDY

(with hatred)
Ugh that fucking faggot.
 19.

Beat.

Beat.

Beat. Something changes.

JEFF
Jude.

JUDY
What?

JEFF
You...

JUDY
What?

JEFF
Can’t say...

JUDY
What?

JEFF
You can’t say faggot.

JUDY
....

JEFF
.....

JUDY
Wait, are you serious?

JEFF
Um, yes? Are you?

JUDY
I was talking about Travis.

JEFF
I know.
 20.

JUDY
Travis.

JEFF
I’m aware.

JUDY
Who is a / fucking -

JEFF
Don’t say it again!

JUDY
You hate Travis!

JEFF
I know!

JUDY
You hate him more than me!

JEFF
I know!

JUDY
You call him a faggot/ all the time!

JEFF
I said don’t say it - Yes I know that.

JUDY
So? You can say it but I can’t?

Yes.

JUDY
This is not like. The N word Jeff.

JEFF
Okay.....

JUDY
It’s not.

JEFF
But it...kinda is.
 21.

JUDY
No.

JEFF
I’m not sure that you get to be the one to decide that?

JUDY
I don’t think it’s really like up for debate.

JEFF
Well if it were I don’t think that you would be like, on the panel.

JUDY
Wow.

JEFF
It’s true?

JUDY
Okay but like, please take my whole self into consideration at this moment. Like,
recognize that, you know, I don’t mean it the same way that someone in like Alabama
means it.

JEFF
Of course I know that -

JUDY
So you’re suddenly acting like I am a completely different person who isn’t allowed to
make a flippant joke/ about someone who we both hate -

JEFF
But it’s not flippant. That’s the point -

JUDY
Yes it was!

JEFF
It can’t be.

JUDY
I take it back! It was not the point of the statement! I just hate Travis and I hate that he
met her and that we didn’t meet her. That’s all I meant.

JEFF
Okay.
 22.

JUDY
Okay?

JEFF
Yes. That’s...okay.

Silence.

JUDY
Shit.

JEFF
What?

JUDY
I just felt rain -

The Doorman comes back out. He looks at Jeff and Judy.

He shakes his head “no.” Jeff and Judy deflate.

SCENE TWO

An audition waiting room. Judy comes in. Obviously late

and a bit scattered. Mark is sitting there, going over his
sides.

JUDY
Is someone in there?

MARK
Yes.

JUDY
Phew. What time was your appointment?

MARK
3:20

JUDY
Ah.

MARK
You?

JUDY
3:10. But obviously you can go in first.
 23.

MARK
They’re going by the sign in.

JUDY
Okay great. Okay.

Silence. Judy puts down her things. Mark looks over his
sides. Then -

JUDY
Going by the sign in means...what?

MARK
Oh. Just sign in over there. And they’ll call down the list.

JUDY
Ah. Right. No, I knew that.

MARK
Sure you did.

Was that flirty or rude?

JUDY
I - well, I do now. So.

More silence.

Judy takes off her jacket. She is wearing the same jeans
that she was wearing in the first scene. Her fly is down.
She zips it hoping that Mark didn’t notice. He did.

JUDY
High waisted pants.

MARK
I’m sorry?

JUDY
It’s just - not my fault. It’s a thing the pants do.

MARK
Okay....

Beat.
 24.

MARK
Not from New York.

JUDY
What?

MARK
You. You’re not from New York. You’re new to the city?

JUDY
Oh no. Oh Jesus, what a dig. / I’ve been here like, a long time actually.

MARK
Not a dig, no.

MARK
Ah.

JUDY
I just haven’t auditioned for a while. Pulled myself out of the game for a bit.

MARK
Needed a break.

JUDY
I think that’s it, yeah. This is a call back from an EPA I went to. They were not “going by
the sign in.”

MARK
Got it.

JUDY
You too?

MARK
No, an appointment. Through my agents.

JUDY
Of course. Right. Of course.

Beat.

JUDY
Are you?
 25.

MARK
What?

JUDY
From New York?

MARK
No. Westchester.

JUDY
Wow. Very honest to just come right out and say it.

MARK
What?

JUDY
When asked if they are from New York, most people from Westchester just say “yes.”
And then when pressed they have to admit that they aren’t really from New York. That
being from Chicago would be more like being from New York than Westchester.

MARK
Now, I don’t know about that. We came into the city a lot growing up.

JUDY
But you had a lawn. And didn’t see people openly urinating on it.

MARK
Just Pop Pop with dementia.

JUDY
Then yes. You are not from New York. Which you were honest about. Right up front.

MARK
Where are you from?

JUDY
New Jersey.

MARK
The other not New York.

JUDY
The lesser not New York. But not the worst not New York.
 26.

MARK
Oh? And what would that one be?

JUDY
Greenwich.

MARK
Ugh. Fuck Greenwich.

JUDY
Yup. Fuck Greenwich.

A moment of connection. The door opens and another

woman enters. An Actress. She’s beautiful. She puts
down her bags. Judy smiles at her, she smiles back. The
awkward politeness of seeing your competition.

The Actress signs in.

Mark watches. Judy nods to herself - no way he is going

to keep talking (flirting?) with this hot girl here.

ACTRESS
What time was your appointment?

MARK
3:20.

JUDY
3:10.

ACTRESS
Phew.

JUDY
But they’re going by the sign in.

ACTRESS
Obviously.

JUDY
Yes. Obviously.
 27.

Judy goes back into her sides. The Actress unpacks her
bag and starts to get ready. But Mark wants to keep the
conversation going.

MARK
What about Long Island? Where does that fall?

JUDY
What?

MARK
Long Island on the list of not New York.

JUDY
Oh! We’re still - you will want to - right. Well, um honestly? Top. Top of not New York.
Long Island is the closest to New York without being New York.

MARK
Over Hoboken?

JUDY
Hoboken is New York now.

MARK
No.

JUDY
Sorry. I work in real estate. It’s true.

MARK
It’s a sad time to be alive. (To the Actress) What about you? Where are you from?

ACTRESS
Orange County. California.

MARK
The opposite of New York.

JUDY
Actually I think Bass Harbor Maine is the opposite of New York.

ACTRESS
Ummmm, I think Orange County is farther away than Maine.

Beat. Is she serious?

 28.

JUDY
No, yeah it is.

MARK
Much.

JUDY
We just meant like, the cultural opposite.

ACTRESS
Oh. Wait. Isn’t this production in Bass Harbor?

JUDY
Yes. That’s why I said it.

The Actress just nods. She doesn’t understand this

conversation at all.

MARK
You guys here for Kate Monster?

JUDY
Yeah. And Lucy The Slut. Obviously. Oh - Because the actress always plays both parts
not because we’re obviously sluts! Ha. (to Mark) Princeton?

MARK
Yup. It’s so many pages. Do you know how to do the puppet thing?

JUDY
Oh. No. And I have zero hand eye coordination. It’ll be an up hill battle. If I get that far.
Do you?

MARK
No but, I play guitar? I’m telling myself that is going to help.

JUDY
I think that’s true! I think guitar would help.

ACTRESS
I love when guys play guitar. I really want to learn. But I can’t find anyone to teach me.

JUDY
In New York?

MARK
I could teach you.
 29.

ACTRESS
Really??

MARK
Sure - I mean I’m on expert, but there’s a lot you can do with the basics.

ACTRESS
What do you charge?

MARK
Mmmm, one bourbon based drink per lesson.

ACTRESS
Ha! Deal.

JUDY
(to the actress) Do you know how to do the puppet thing?

ACTRESS
Yeah, actually.

JUDY
Oh wow. How?

ACTRESS
You don’t want to know.

What???

ACTRESS
Wait - did you say you work in real estate?

JUDY
I did.

ACTRESS
Oh my God could you get me an apartment?

JUDY
Uh, sure. But unfortunately I charge more than a cocktail.

ACTRESS
No but like, a no fee apartment. Can you get me one of those?
 30.

JUDY
That’s actually a misconception. I have no control over which apartments are paid fee by
the renter or paid fee by the landlord. The issue isn’t with the brokers, it’s with the
landlords. The building should be paying the fee. But somewhere along the line, they
decided they didn’t want to anymore, probably just because demand for an apartment in
New York was so high.

MARK
Scarcity of resources. Everyone competing for the same small pool of real estate.

JUDY
Exactly.

MARK
Renters get fucked.

JUDY
And brokers gotta get paid somehow.

ACTRESS
So wait, can you? Get me one?

JUDY
Um. No. I cannot. But you can find one online. Although technically the fee will be
included in the monthly rent so you’ll end up paying more over time.

ACTRESS
Ugh. So annoying.

The Actress gets up and goes to the bathroom. It’s sort of

a jarring exit.

JUDY
I don’t think she likes me.

MARK
I think you might be a little advanced for her.

JUDY
I think she might be a different species.

MARK
Wait - the No Fee apartment thing, that’s bullshit right? Like, you could technically
wave the fee.
 31.

JUDY
Yes but then I wouldn’t get paid. And my trust fund just isn’t what it used to be.

MARK
What if I offered to teach you guitar lessons in exchange for an apartment?

JUDY
Would the guitar cost $10,000?

MARK
Yes.

JUDY
Deal.

MARK
So is that why you stopped auditioning? For real estate?

JUDY
Pursue my true passion? Of convincing people to pay $3500 a month for a studio? Yes,
yes that’s why I abandoned my BFA.

MARK
Where’d you go to school.

JUDY
Baldwin Wallace?

MARK
Oh sure.

JUDY
You?

MARK
Penn.

JUDY
State?

MARK
No, UPenn.

JUDY
Oh not for -
 32.

MARK
Not for acting, no. Business major.

Beat.

JUDY
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE GET OUT

MARK
Ha -

JUDY
Seriously. Put on some fucking rollerblades and speed away.

MARK
I know I know.

JUDY
Please. Go make money. For the rest of us.

MARK
I tried. I wasn’t happy.

JUDY
And Avenue Q in Maine will make you happy?

MARK
Yes. Actually.

JUDY
Ugh. Yeah. Same.

MARK
“It sucks to be us.”

JUDY
Ha!

A nice moment.

CASTING
Mark?

MARK
Yup.
 33.

He heads in with a look back at Judy. She smiles.

She is alone with her audition material. She takes out the
song and begins to sing through it, half out loud half in
her head. It’s a mini performance.

Then she goes to the other song, the Lucy T Slut song.
She does a half performance of that one, practicing her
moves. It isn’t as strong as the first one. She’s a bit
uncomfortable in her body, uncomfortable being bawdy
and sexual. The whole thing feels timid.

She hears Mark in the next room singing. He’s good.

The Actress comes back out of the bathroom. She’s

changed into a dress - a classic musical theater audition
dress. She looks fantastic.

ACTRESS
The light in that bathroom is trash. I look like a hag.

JUDY
You don’t. You really - you look great. I love that dress.

ACTRESS
Really? I think it’s kinda yuck but it works for the part.

Silence. The Actress puts on some more makeup. Judy

takes out her mirror and checks hers. Side by side they
apply makeup in silence.

Then the Actress takes out her sides. She starts going
over her songs the same way that Judy was. But, it’s
much sexier. It’s much more refined, even though she is
just barely marking it and not making any sound.

The door opens and Mark comes out with the Casting
director.

CASTING
Judy?

JUDY
Yup.
 34.

MARK
Break a leg.

JUDY
Oy. I’ll try.

She heads in. Mark and the Actress are alone.

Mark jots something down on a piece of paper and hands

it to her -

MARK
For very cheap guitar lessons.

ACTRESS
Thanks.

They hold eye contact for a moment. Then, we hear Judy

begin to sing in the next room. It’s great. Mark is clearly
impressed, and maybe something more.

MARK
Wow.

Mark goes over to Judy’s bag, writes down something on

a piece of paper, leaves it on top of her purse. Then, he
exits.

The Actress goes up to the door and listens in, jealous of

the voice that’s coming through the door.

SCENE 3

JUDY and JEFF stand outside the IF/THEN stage door.

Again.

JEFF
That’s hot.

JUDY
It’s so hot. It’s movie hot.

JEFF
Not like - I’ll find you online or something.
 35.

JUDY
No!! I thought it was a joke. Or a mistake - I thought it must be left for the other girl. But
it couldn’t have been left for the other girl because she was there when I came out. It was
left for me. Like there is no doubt. Past experiences be damned! It was for me this time.

JEFF
A phone number. Left on a piece of paper. Could have been scattered to the wind, blown
away by a slamming door. Never to be found. You would run into each other, years later.

JUDY
My hair would be different.

JEFF
He would have a beard. “You never called,” he would say.

JUDY
“I wanted to. I just didn’t know how.”

JEFF
“I wrote to you. I left you my number.”

JUDY
“You wrote me?”

JEFF
“I’ve thought about you every day. I took a lover, a widow, to try to fill the void, but
when I looked in her eyes, I saw only you. I gave up. And now, here you are.”

JUDY
“I thought it was over.”

JEFF
“It wasn’t over. It’s still not over!”

JUDY
Is that The Notebook?

JEFF
Yeah, I thought that’s what we were doing.

JUDY
Oooooh. No.

JEFF
I said “he would have a beard.”
 36.

JUDY
That was my clue?

JEFF
Oh! How was the audition?

JUDY
I didn’t get it.

JEFF
Awww, no!

JUDY
Yeah. Womp.

JEFF
Cunts.

Beat.

Beat.

JUDY
...yeah.

JEFF
Did they say why?

JUDY
Well, they said my Kate Monster was like, really good.

JEFF
Of course it was!

JUDY
I felt good about it!

JEFF
You are Kate Monster.

JUDY
Yeah but -

JEFF
But Lucy.
 37.

JUDY
How did you know?

JEFF
What?

JUDY
They said that my Lucy The Slut wasn’t “authentic enough.” Authentic enough for a
puppet.

JEFF
Yeah like, what the fuck.

JUDY
How did you know that?

JEFF
Know what?

JUDY
How did you know that it would be about me not being right for Lucy.

JEFF
I just guessed. It’s a type thing.

JUDY
But - everyone who plays the part plays both those roles so...it’s not a type thing. I dunno.
I thought I did a good job at it.

JEFF
Of course you did.

JUDY
Well, no because you just said that you don’t think I did.

JEFF
It’s not about doing a good job, it’s about being right for it.

JUDY
But that doesn’t / make -

JEFF
Show me.
 38.

JUDY
What?

JEFF
Show me you how did it.

JUDY
No!

JEFF
Oh my god, show me.

JUDY
We are on the street.

JEFF
No one is out here! Everyone is in a show!

JUDY
I am not doing a “number” for you right now. Besides, it’s clearly bad since I didn’t get
the job. And now I’ll just be sad doing it.

JEFF
Right, but if you are gonna get better then you need to fix it. It’s a good part for you.
They do that show everywhere. Not just in tragic Maine.

She considers

JUDY
I fucking hate you.

JEFF
I know. Go.

She takes a deep breath.

JUDY

(singing)
I can make you feel spec -

(stops singing)
Wait you know how the piano goes
 39.

JEFF
I know the song. Go.

JUDY
Okay okay okay. So the piano is like, and then I was like -

(singing)
I can make you feel special,
When it sucks to be you.
I can make you feel special,
For an hour or two.

Your life’s a routine that repeats each day.

No one cares who you are or what you say.
And sometimes you feel like you’re a nobody,
But you can feel like somebody with me

She looks at Jeff. He seems unimpressed.

JUDY
And then it goes on.

JEFF
Uh-huh.

JUDY
Oh my god. I’m going to walk into traffic.

JEFF
I’m just thinking! Like how to improve it. I mean, what’s with the biscuit feet?

JUDY
Um.

JEFF
It’s gotta be like “Uh” and like “Uh”

JUDY
Right.

JEFF
Feel yourself.

She puts her hands on her body.

 40.

JEFF
No don’t literally touch yourself. Feel yourself. Be more like “ooooh!” More obsessed
with yourself. Obsessed with your body and what it can do. Like, who cares if no one
wants to fuck you, / you want to fuck you. Like -

JUDY
Who said no one wants to fuck me -

JEFF

(singing)
I can make you feel special,
When it sucks to be you.
I can make you feel special,
For an hour or two.

JUDY
Wow.

He starts getting really into it. And it’s so damn good.

JEFF
Your life’s a routine that repeats each day.
No one cares who you are or what you say.
And sometimes you feel like you’re a nobody,
But you can feel like somebody with me

Someone whistles from down the street.

JEFF

(flattered)
Hey, bitch!

(then)
See? You just gotta be more of a woman.

Silence.

JEFF
What?

JUDY
Nothing. No. Yeah. You’re right.
 41.

JEFF
Here, do it with me.

JUDY
Yeah. We’re done here.

JEFF
Please! Come on. You just need choreo. It’s not a stand and sing song.

JUDY
But I didn’t get the part! So it doesn’t matter!

JEFF
We’re just practicing.

(singing)
I can make you feel special - Come on. Just do what I do. Let me make you feel special -

JUDY
I can make you feel special.

JEFF
When it sucks to be/ you

JUDY
When it sucks to be you -

JEFF

(re: Idina Menzel)

How would she do it! Do it like her!

JUDY
I can make you feel special -

JEFF
Yaaaaasss.

JUDY
For an hour or -

JEFF
Maureen Johnson called, she wants her sex appeal back.
 42.

JUDY
Twooooo.

JEFF/JUDY
Your life’s a routine that repeats each day
No one cares who you are or what you say.
And sometimes you feel like you’re a nobody,
But you can / feel like-

Mark enters.

MARK
Wooooooooah!!!!

JUDY
Oh my god / Oh shit

JEFF
Oh shit, ha!

MARK
Don’t stop for me!

JEFF
/No we are stopping.

JUDY
It’s over we’re stopping. And we are never starting again. Oh my God find me an oven I
need to put my head inside. Why are you here!

MARK
/Should I leave?

JEFF
Wait, is this -

JUDY
No, I mean hi but - what?

MARK
You said this is where you were gonna be today.

JUDY
Um -
 43.

MARK
I know it wasn’t like a direct invitation but / I was in the area and free -

JUDY
Well no but it could be, it wasn’t not one. I just -

MARK
I thought it would be nice to just like, rip the bandaid off and see each other again.
Instead of texting for a month and never actually meeting up.

Beat. This is the hottest thing anyone has ever said.

JEFF
Are you real?

MARK
I’m sorry?

JEFF
I’m Jeff.

JUDY
Oh right - / This is Mark, yeah.

MARK
Hey, man. Mark.

JUDY

(to Jeff)
I’m not sure I told you about him? We met at my Avenue Q audition.

JEFF

(lying)
Oh I didn’t know that. That’s good to know.

MARK
Wait, does this mean we’re going to Maine together?

JUDY
What?
 44.

MARK
You guys doing the song. Are we going to Maine together? Did you get it?

JUDY
Oh. No. I didn’t get it. We were just -

JEFF
We were just fucking around.

MARK
Aw shit. Sorry.

JEFF
Whatever. It’s in Maine. Maine is a tragedy.

Beat.

JUDY
Did...did you get it?

MARK
I did, yeah.

JUDY
Oh! That’s great!

MARK
No, now it’s weird. It’s a tragedy.

JEFF
/Oh my god, ignore me always.

JUDY
It’s not weird. It’s great. That’s such a good part for you. You sounded so good. He
sounded so good in his audition.

JEFF
I bet.

MARK
I can’t believe you didn’t get it. You sounded good too. The bit I heard. And this - you
two - looked pretty fabulous.
 45.

JUDY
Well, I didn’t do it like that before. I was too - well the other one was good but - It’s not
important! Anyway, welcome to the stage door - the second most embarrassing thing
about me!

MARK
Just wanna get it all out there up front.

JUDY
You deserve to know the truth.

MARK
You guys are...the first ones here.

JEFF
Always.

MARK
Always? How many times have you done this?

JEFF JUDY *
You don’t want to know. We don’t like to tell people.

MARK
I’ve only done it once when I was a kid. I think I was 11? Or wait, 12, my parents took
me to see Chicago, we got Bebe Neuwirth’s autograph.

JEFF
That’s a good one. I have that one somewhere I think?

MARK
Yeah I love that show -

JEFF
Oh - ha. No I mean a good autograph. That show -

JUDY
Needs to die.

MARK
What? Chicago?

JEFF
After Ruthie Henshall left there just was no point anymore.
 46.

MARK
Chicago is a good show, I thought?

JUDY
Chicago is a great show. But it’s a terrible revival.

JEFF
The wearing all black.

JUDY
Oy.

MARK
I like they’re all wearing black? What? / Wait -

JEFF/JUDY
No!

JUDY
Sorry. No. Sorry - but. Did you ever see the original?

MARK
We...weren’t born I didn’t think...

JEFF
Bootlegs.

MARK
...

JUDY
Okay well. It’s - it’s just completely different. It’s grittier and weirder.

JEFF
And sexier. And Jerry Orbach!

JUDY
And Jerry Orbach.

MARK
I don’t know. I actually just went back and it held up! The Billy Flynn was really good. I
mean, I’m not sure how Jerry - ?

JEFF
ORBACH!
 47.

JUDY
/Jeff!

JEFF
/He gave his eyes.

MARK
Orbach was but the Billy Flynn I saw last year was pretty good!

JEFF
You saw Chicago last year?!

MARK
Ha. Yes.

JEFF
Was there anyone else there?

MARK
Well that’s sort of the thing - It was when I was at Barclays. We were taking some people
from the London office out and they wanted to see a show and I took way too long
getting tickets so Chicago was the only option. So, yeah it was pretty much all tourists.
Like, truly there was very little English being spoken in the audience - which is fine!
But...indicative. But - I mean, now I feel stupid saying this, but seeing it again was sort of
the reason that I quit my job and started acting again. Ha. I didn’t realize people didn’t
think it was - I just remembered seeing it as a kid, and how free I was, and how
mesmerized and certain I was back then that I should be up there. And I just, seeing it
again. Couldn’t picture myself waking up the next morning and doing anything else. How
could I waste my life when people 50 feet away from me were living their dream? But. I
guess it’s not as good as the original. Do you have one of those um bootleg things?

Beat.

JEFF
Oh my god.

JUDY
I...

JEFF
Are you crying?
 48.

JUDY

(covering)
NO!

JEFF
Oh. I am.

JUDY
I’m sorry. We’re monsters.

JEFF
Chicago is a great show. The revival isn’t as good as the original. But - still. Not
important. Great show.

MARK
I mean, I enjoyed it, but what do I know. I also really really have to pee. What do you
normally do about that.

JEFF/JUDY
Starbucks on 46th.

MARK
Wow. Okay. Um - hold my place. Ha.

He goes. They watch him.

JEFF
Fuuuuuuck.

JUDY
Right!

JEFF
Yes.

JUDY
Now I’m just thinking how good he would look with a beard.

JEFF
Wait, what did his little letter to you say?

JUDY
His letter?
 49.

JEFF
The paper he left. With his number.

JUDY
Oh. Um. “For very expensive guitar lessons” Then his number. Then just “Mark.”

JEFF
Uh-huh.

JUDY
What

JEFF
I’m just thinking.

Beat.

JUDY
Talk and think at the same time please.

JEFF
Are we sure he’s...

JUDY
....

JEFF
....

JUDY
No. He is. Stop.

JEFF
Are you sure?

JUDY
He’s straight.

JEFF
How can you tell?

JUDY
There is vibe.

JEFF
Yes but I also felt vibe.
 50.

JUDY
You feel vibe from my dad.

JEFF
Bitch.

JUDY
He’s almost 30! And - don’t call me that - And he’s an actor. If he were gay he’d be gay.

JEFF
But he used to work in finance. Until recently? When did he quit?

JUDY
I don’t know. This is the second time I’ve seen him in person.

JEFF
Exactly.

JUDY
Exactly....?

JEFF
You don’t know him that well. And that letter - that note - the number

JUDY
Yeah.

JEFF
It was

JUDY
Flirty.

JEFF
Or...friendly.

JUDY
No. Flirty.

JEFF
I disagree.

JUDY
You can’t.
 51.

JEFF
How?

JUDY
Because there are certain rules to flirting, all of which were followed. The reference to a
previous inside joke. The sexual innuendo.

JEFF
Where was the innuendo.

JUDY
The guitar lessons?

JEFF
.....

JUDY
The guitar?

JEFF
.....

JUDY
The guitar is sort of like a penis.

JEFF
How is a guitar like a penis?

JUDY
The stroking.

JEFF
Strumming.

JUDY
Strumming. Whatever. It was flirtatious.

JEFF
Mmmm.

Beat.

JUDY
Don’t do this.
 52.

JEFF
What?

JUDY
Don’t take him away from me.

JEFF
What? It’s funny! It’s just a funny thing! “Is the hot guy in the closet.”

JUDY
I like him.

JEFF
You met him once!

JUDY
I like the idea of him. And I’d like the idea to soon match up with reality.

JEFF
But what if that reality is a bottom.

JUDY
You suck.

JEFF
I’m kidding!

JUDY
Mmmhmmm.

JEFF
I am. We always joke about stuff like this.

JUDY
I don’t like it this time.

JEFF
Okay, that’s fair.

JUDY
Okay.

Beat

Beat.
 53.

JEFF
Are you mad at me about something?

JUDY
No.

JEFF
I’m just teasing. I didn’t realize you liked him that much.

JUDY
I think I’m just upset about the audition. I forgot how shitty it feels not to get a job.

JEFF
Shitty every time.

JUDY
Not sure it’s worth it.

JEFF
Maybe it’s not.

JUDY
You’re the one who said I should go back to auditioning.

JEFF
Because I thought it made you happy. But if it doesn’t make you happy...

JUDY
Well, it doesn’t make me happy when I don’t get the part. I thought the point of going
back to auditions was to get parts because you think I’m good.

JEFF
Yes. That too. Of course. You deserve to get all the parts. You deserve it the most. But,
you know, it’s hard.

Mark comes back.

MARK
Starbucks line was insane. I went to the Westin.

JUDY JEFF *
Wooooah. Bold. *

MARK
I’m a quick learner. What did I miss? What song do you think they’re on?
 54.

JEFF
“Here I Go.”

JUDY
You think?

JEFF
Yeah, it’s pretty early.

JUDY
I was thinking they’d already be at “Surprise.”

JEFF
Hmmm.

MARK
It’s not actually important. I don’t even know the names of the songs in the show. I was
just...I didn’t actually think you guys would have an answer.

JEFF
Oh.

MARK
How is it that she never comes out?

JEFF
Well not never, just, never when we’re here.

JUDY
We went to see the show awhile ago and she didn’t come out -

JEFF
She had a cold -

JUDY
You couldn’t tell when she was singing -

JEFF
But you could tell when she was talking -

JUDY
So now we come back, just to get what is rightfully ours -

JEFF
What was taken from us -
 55.

JUDY
By bronchitis.

MARK
Worthy effort. For a signature that you probably could have forged?

JEFF
Judy has a Rent playbill from the 90s.

MARK
Oh shit. Did you see it?

JUDY
Yup.

MARK
Jealous.

Jeff clocks this sort of gay response.

JUDY
I just feel like, I need that to be signed. For like validation, of my own life. Ha. But
really. And Jeff is going to invite her to take his class.

MARK
Your class?

JEFF
I teach a bootcamp type thing at Crunch.

JUDY
It’s...cruel.

MARK
What’s it called?

JEFF
Break It.

MARK
No way, dude.

JEFF
Uh. Yeah. Break It.
 56.

MARK
No no, I’ve taken it! I’ve taken your class!

JEFF
What!

MARK
Yes, like, months ago. You are so good. It was so hard. I was so angry at you.

JEFF
That’s all I want.

MARK
We should go take his class together.

JUDY
Oh. No. / I don’t take his class.

JEFF
Judy doesn’t take class.

MARK
Why.

JUDY
I have a low pain threshold and a strong desire to keep my dignity.

MARK
Ha.

JUDY
Plus, I’m on my feet a lot for work, so. But if she went to class, then I would go.

JEFF
Actually. I’m not gonna invite her to class anymore.

JUDY
Why not? You have to!

JEFF
No, no. It’s a good thing. I’m not inviting her to class. Because.....I’m gonna invite
her....to my show!!
 57.

JUDY
What!! I love that!

JEFF
I know.

MARK
Wait what show are you in? Are you an actor too?

JEFF
Yeah. Kind of.

MARK
Listen, man, we’re all “kind of.”

JUDY
He’s an amazing dancer. And he does a drag show every Friday. Hosts. And performs.

MARK
What! I wanna come!

JEFF
It’s silly.

JUDY
You know it’s not silly.

JEFF
No yeah it’s really good.

MARK
Who do you do?

JEFF
Ummm, mostly Barbra.

MARK
Obviously. Yentl?

JEFF
Of course.

MARK
Of course.

Jeff gives Judy a little look. Gay.

 58.

JUDY
We should go together this week.

MARK
Twice in one week. Wow. Pretty fast.

JUDY
Slow me down anytime.

MARK
No. I’m into fast.

Judy gives Jeff a look back. Not gay.

JEFF
Fast can be good.

JUDY
This is all very exciting. How are you going to invite her.

JEFF
Well I brought a card.

MARK
Lemme see.

Jeff pulls out a cardboard flyer.

MARK
Holy shit is that you?!

JEFF
Yup.

MARK
You look incredible.

JUDY
Wait till you see it in person.

MARK
Dude. You make like, a really hot woman.

JEFF
Yeah bitch, better than the real thing.
 59.

Beat.

JUDY
So what are you gonna say?

JEFF
Okay okay okay - I need your help with this actually. I’m gonna start with - “Well, as you
know imitation is the highest form of flattery, and it would be my honor if you could be
my special guest when I perform you.”

Beat.

JUDY
Perform / you?

MARK
That’s weird wording.

JEFF
I have to massage it a little.

JUDY
What do you mean perform you?

MARK
“When I do you?” Ha. No.

JEFF
Yeah no.

JUDY
Wait what do you mean perform her?

JEFF
I’m doing her - shit - ha! Now you have me saying it. But yeah. I’m doing her.

JUDY
You’re -

JEFF
In drag.

JUDY
You’re doing a drag version of -
 60.

JEFF
Yeah!

JUDY
In your show?

JEFF
Oh my god Yes why is this hard?

JUDY
What about Barbra?

JEFF
No one gets the Yentl thing. I have to admit that to myself.

MARK
I would have liked to see the Yentl thing.

JUDY
But why - why her.

JEFF
Because I love her!

JUDY
This Friday?

JEFF
No no, I need time to prepare. Next Friday I think. Two weeks should be enough.

MARK
What song are you doing?

JEFF
“Over the Moon.”

JUDY
But you’ve never seen her do that one.

JEFF
I have a bootleg.

MARK
She really might say yes. She really might come.
 61.

JEFF
I just need help perfecting my sales pitch. It has to exist within the timeframe that it takes
to sign something. And Judy I feel like you having the Rent playbill will help, like help
show that we are true fans.

MARK
Okay. So I think “imitation is the highest form of flattery” is a good way to start.

JUDY
I’m surprised you’re doing her.

JEFF
What? Why? I love her.

JUDY
Well, right.

JEFF
What? Why are you weird?

JUDY
I’m not weird. She’s just...we love her because, she’s so real.

JEFF
What do you mean?

JUDY
I mean, she’s such a real person. Her star power comes from the fact that like, you don’t
expect that voice to come out of her. And that well, you feel like you know her.

MARK
That’s true.

JEFF
Right...

JUDY
So she can’t be like, lampooned.

JEFF
Lampooned?

JUDY
You know what I mean.
 62.

JEFF
I don’t.

JUDY
I mean, drag is about sort of, mocking - I mean, not mocking. But putting little
idiosyncrasies under a microscope -

Unseen to the other two, Mark picks up a piece of paper

from the ground and starts examining it.

JEFF
Drag is about identity, or the lie of identity. That you can be whoever you want to be.
That you already are whoever you want to be.

JUDY
But it’s also about comedy.

JEFF
Not necessarily.

JUDY
I’ve never seen one that isn’t about comedy. That isn’t about sort of, poking fun at the
way someone does something.

JEFF
Only in moments.

JUDY
And that someone is 99% of the time a woman -

JEFF
Okay - what’s your point here babe?

MARK
Guys -

JUDY
I’m just saying that I don’t feel like she has those things. I don’t feel like she’s the kind of
performer who has things that you can make fun of.

JEFF
Of course she is! What? / Everyone is.
 63.

MARK
Wait, guys -

JUDY
I don’t see it.

JEFF
Well then you’ll have to come to my show.

JUDY
I will. Of course I will.

JEFF
You are so weird right now!

JUDY
I’m not! I’m just -

JEFF
She’s not yours.

JUDY
I didn’t say she was.

JEFF
Basically I feel like that’s what you’re saying?

MARK
Guys! LOOK.

He presents a small piece of white paper.

JEFF
“At Tonight’s Performance the Role of Elizabeth will be played by Jackie Burns.”

JUDY
She’s out of the show tonight.

MARK
Yeah.

SCENE 4

A drag club.
 64.

Judy and Mark sit at a small cabaret table. They face out
so the audience can see them but they are watching the
drag show which also faces out. Judy is looking at her
phone. At the next table over is a BACHELORETTE
sipping on a Long Island Iced Tea. Not her first of the
night.

MARK
What time is the call back?

JUDY
Ugh, early. 11.

MARK
Do you need to go?

JUDY
No no, I don’t want to miss this.

MARK
If you have to leave early though, it’s cool. We can hang late later this week.

JUDY
Three times in one week?

MARK
I like fast.

Judy pushes through this moment of flirtation by sipping

on her drink.

MARK
What time does he come on?

JUDY
I think he’s next?

MARK
You seem nervous.

JUDY
I always get nervous for him. He’s like, my child.

MARK
That’s adorable. You guys are adorable.
 65.

JUDY
We’re pretty cute.

MARK
That picture - he looks amazing.

JUDY
Yeah, he’s really good at the makeup stuff, the wig stuff, all the externals. Which is
important - of course. But a lot of people can do that stuff. And eventually, people hire
other people to do that stuff for them. So at the end of the day it’s about the performance.
And Jeff is a performer. A real performer.

MARK
Is that a compliment? It sounds like maybe not a compliment.

JUDY
It’s a fact. He disappears into whatever he’s doing. He’s shameless in the best way.
Practically vibrating. It would probably be enough for him to just rely on that, that star
quality. But he doesn’t. He works his ass off. Honestly? Kind of like...her.

MARK
You know - you’re gonna kill me but....I’ve never seen her perform - Pleasedon’tleave.

JUDY
Ex-excuse me? You didn’t see Wicked?

MARK
I went too late. I saw Shoshana. Who was great!

JUDY
Of course she was great but she’s not -

MARK
I know. But I did watch a bootleg of Wild Party this week.

JUDY
Very cool congrats but not the same.

MARK
I guess I just I don’t chase certain performers. Like for me, it’s more about seeing the
show? And as long as the person in it is doing their job? I don’t reeeallly care if I’m not
seeing the “star.”

Judy puts her head on the table.

 66.

MARK
That bad???

JUDY
You’re just - you’re missing the whole point of the medium!

MARK
I don’t think I am! I think that the point of the medium is the story being told. By loving
only the star, you’re missing the point.

JUDY
The star is the point. It’s about the person doing the job. Musical theater is a medium for
performers, I would say more so than any other performing art.

MARK
So, is she IT? Is she really the end all be all? What am I missing here because - I’m afraid
to say this now but - I think even you have to admit....She’s not Barbra. She’s not Liza.

JUDY
Of course she’s not. No one can be either of those women because they are unique. And
many many people try to copy them, have made careers by really just studying the greats
and then emulating. But the greats - the Bernadettes, the Alice Ripley’s even - they aren’t
copying. They are unique to the point of being almost...bizarre. It’s all out there on the
floor, big and ballsy and strange and yet, so so true. So, honest. So fully and totally them.

MARK
I guess, yeah. Bernadette is sort of...weird?

JUDY
She’s a total weirdo!! The fact that she is so successful, it proves my point. Only on
Broadway, only in musical theater is your leading lady allowed to be so achingly off.
And then, and then and then well then there’s her. Who is both unique - One of the
greats, a star - And also, she’s all of us. She’s a girl off the street. She’s the woman sitting
at your bar. She’s someone’s wife and someone’s mother, someone’s friend. She grew up
on Long Island -

MARK
The top of not New York -

JUDY
Her father sold pajamas. She is everyone, every one of us. She is normal life - set on fire.

Beat.
 67.

MARK
Fucking hell. I can’t believe I’m having this conversation on a date.

JUDY
At a drag club.

MARK
I’m actually learning that maybe a drag club is a great way to meet women?

Judy looks at the other tables filled with women.

MARK
Seriously where are all the gay guys?

JUDY
Out finding the next cool thing so we can steal it. It’s all women in here now.
Bachelorette parties. The bridge and tunnel crowd.

MARK
Sucks for them that you’re the best looking one in here.

JUDY
Oh.

MARK
Oh?

JUDY
Ha. Yeah. I guess - I just -

Beat. Mark wants to kiss her. She doesn’t feel

comfortable being looked at for this long. He maybe
leans in a little, she turns to the stage.

JUDY
It’s starting.

Mark backs away.

Jeff comes out, dressed as Idina Menzel as Maureen

Johnson from Rent.

JEFF
Joanne which way to the stage?! Oh - this way. To my stage.

He clangs on a cow bell. Applause.

 68.

JEFF
Sooooooo, you know that I usually like to make you sluts thinks a little bit, make you
scratch your weaves and say “wait, what show is that? What character is that?” I like to
EDUCATE. I don’t like to give you the typical. No “Gimme Gimme” or some basic
queen shit. But sometimes, sometimes a girl gets tired of cutting her wig and singing
“Papa Can You Hear Me” okay? Sometimes a girl just wants to feel pretty. Tell me I’m
pretty babies - TELL ME I’M PRETTY.

They do. But the drunk Bachelorette isn’t having it.

BACHELORETTE
JUST START THE FUCKING SONG!

JEFF

(ignoring her)
Tonight, I want to do things a little differently. Tonight I want to Serve. Strict. Glamor.

BACHELORETTE
WE DIDN’T COME HERE FOR A MONOLOGUE.

JEFF
I’m sorry, is someone talking?

BACHELORETTE
YOU ARE. We’ve been waiting for almost an hour so start the fucking song, Queen!

JEFF
Hey bitch? Take your drink off my motherfucking stage.

BACHELORETTE
I’m getting married! I can do whatever I want!

JEFF
OOOH! When are you getting married?!

BACHELORETTE
Next month!

JEFF
Does you’re fiance know you’re a hag? A filthy hag?

Beat.
 69.

JEFF
He will soon enough. WHY IS YOUR DRINK STILL ON MY STAGE? That is the
trashiest thing I’ve ever seen. What are you from fucking HOBOKEN?

The Bachelorette swallows.

JEFF
Oh my God you are! Wait, literally Hoboken?! AHHH!! LITERALLY HOBOKEN, you
guys!! You know how I knew? You know how I knew? The Shoooooooes hennny. Those
shoes are not Manhattan shoes. And they are not Brooklyn shoes - you wish they were
Brooklyn shoes, don’t you? When you bought them you were like “ooooh honey these
are some DUMBO Loafers” but NO. They are Jersey Shoes. Hoboken Shoes. You are
lucky I didn’t say Newark. Why is your drink still on my stage?

She takes the drink off the stage.

JEFF
Cunts. Cunts every last one of you. Listen, listen, listen, I want to tell you all something.
I want to tell you about something that happened to me. I was all alone in my bed, in my
little nighty. My titties all just hanging out - oops! - Just alone in my little bed, all curled
up. And I closed my eyes and well - I guess you could say ....(As Maureen Johnson from
RENT) “Last night, I had a dream -”

The track from RENT starts. Jeff begins to lip sync. He

performs the entirety of “Over the Moon” as Idina from
RENT. But after only a minute, Judy can’t take it
anymore. She gets up and leaves. Jeff sees. Blackout.

SCENE 5

The drag club. The rest of the place has cleared out. Just
the bus boys are left. Mark and Jeff sit having a drink.
Judy is nowhere to be found. Jeff is still in drag. Over the
course of the scene he takes off his wig and his makeup.

MARK
No no no the last guy, or - wait, girl?

JEFF
Lady.

MARK
The last Lady -
 70.

JEFF
Esme-

MARK
Was the weakest. Yours was the best, man. For real. You handled that drunk woman
really well. What a mess.

JEFF
Tourists. If you come expecting to see animals at the zoo, then the animals bite back. Did
Judy like it?

MARK
She really really did. She was really quiet, like almost in awe.

JEFF
Awww.

MARK
She just wasn’t feeling well.

JEFF
Hmm. Suspicious.

MARK
No no, like all night she wasn’t. Before the show. And she has that call back tomorrow.

JEFF
What call back?

MARK
She went in for - wait um. Oh Spamalot.

Jeff is a little hurt to be out of the loop -

JEFF
That’s a good part for her. She didn’t tell me.

MARK
She found out like, right before dinner.

JEFF
Cute.
 71.

MARK
She barely ate. I think she was really nervous about not feeling well and having the
callback and all that. It wasn’t about you.

JEFF
But she could have stayed for like five minutes. To hug me or whatever.

Mark shrugs. A light goes out, the place is shutting down.

MARK
Shit. Should we drink these faster? That last bus boy is about to leave.

JEFF
Nah. We’re good. I have a key. Perks of being the star.

MARK
You really were amazing. I think - honestly - if she came to see you, if she came to see
you do her or whatever, ha - that she would be flattered.

JEFF
Gahhhhhhh.

MARK
What if she just walked up right now and said “I was standing in the back the whole time.
I saw what you did. I saw you doing me.”

JEFF
I would grab her by her collar and say “Help me. Help pull me out from this cess pool of
rotting dreams. Help me become myself more fully, more completely. I’m dying. I’m
drowning. I can’t go on. I must go on. Save me.”

Beat.

JEFF
Or maybe just “Is my contouring too severe?”

Beat.

JEFF
I need to work on the eyes. She is all about the eyes.

He does the eye-thing that Idina does.

MARK
Nah, I think you have the eyes down.
 72.

JEFF
There is always more work to be done. God is in the details.

MARK
It was almost like - I don’t mean this in a critical way but, it didn’t feel like a drag
performance. It felt like a real performance. Totally free.

JEFF
That’s the secret. That’s the secret right there: When you’re wearing a mask, you’re free.

MARK
No way. I would feel so encumbered with all that extra stuff. The makeup and the hair,
the track playing. I would feel so trapped.

JEFF
You wouldn’t! I promise you wouldn’t. It’s just the opposite. That’s why people love
drag - the MASK. It simultaneously makes the audience feel safe to take in the
performance and maybe more importantly, the mask makes me feel safe to push beyond
my limits. I could never do what I did up there without all the makeup and hair and lights.
It freed me and it freed you. To love me. Up there, of course.

Beat.

MARK
You just. You take it all so seriously.

JEFF
Of course I do. Don’t you take acting seriously?

MARK
Yeah, definitely. But I don’t know. I can get a little complacent sometimes.

JEFF
You can afford to. You’re a handsome straight guy.

MARK
Oh...I’m not.

JEFF
Straight?

MARK
No - ha - no I’m not handsome.
 73.

JEFF
Oh. Fuck you.

MARK
Ha. Sorry. I just - I had nothing to do with looking the way that I do. So it’s weird to be
like, judged for it.

JEFF
Judged in a good way.

MARK
Sometimes.

JEFF
Well handsome straight guys - which is what you are - allegedly - are allowed to be
complacent in this industry. In life in general, but mostly in this industry. It’s just basic
numbers. It’s the one place where you are both needed and a rarity. You’re almost a
diversity hire. It’s a feeding frenzy out there for the rest of us. The gays and the ladies.

MARK
Hmm. I feel the opposite actually. Not to like...I get it. I get that I’m lucky and that in the
world at large I’m very privileged, which is a word I feel like I use fifty times a day now.
Privilege. Did we ever use it before? And like, yeah, because of that I can be complacent
sometimes. But to be totally honest, I feel pretty left out in this business. I can’t keep up.
It isn’t made for me. It’s made for you.

JEFF
Mmm.

MARK
No?

JEFF
No. Sorry.

MARK
Well alright then.

JEFF
Just. Okay: how many gay characters are there in musicals? Gay leads. Good, meaty
roles.
 74.

MARK
A lot?

JEFF
Name them.

MARK
Well - RENT. Maureen is a lesbian -

JEFF
Questionable lesbian but sure. And, sorry. I’m talking about for gay men. Parts for me.

MARK
Well, Collins and Angel.

JEFF
Supporting.

MARK
Supporting but arguably the best love story in the show.

JEFF
Until one of them dies of AIDS.

MARK
Fair. Okay then - Falsettos.

JEFF
Yes. Until -

MARK
One of them dies of AIDS.

JEFF
Yup.

MARK
La Cage. No one dies of AIDS in La Cage.

JEFF
Absolutely La Cage. But still. Drag queens.

MARK
What’s wrong with drag queens? You’re a drag queen.
 75.

JEFF
Because that’s where all the great parts are. For me.

MARK
No way.

JEFF
Don’t test me on this. You’ll lose. I’ve been having this debate in my head to the blank
wall for about ten years, and you only just got here. Look, as a gay man, I’m gonna be
playing the sort of faggoty straight leading man - the Jimmy’s in the Thoroughly Modern
Millies, Elder Price in Mormon, Princeton in Avenue Q, - no offense - or maybe the
supporting tap dancing sidekick guy. Best case scenario, I get to play Billy Flynn.

MARK
And we all know what a nightmare that would be.

JEFF
Exactly. I don’t wanna play Billy Flynn, I wanna play Velma, honey. Fuck Marius, I’m
Eponine. I’m Glinda AND Elphaba. Sure, yes, I wanna play George Seurat, but they
won’t give that part to my queer ass so I’m gonna put on a mother fucking bustle and
(singing, as Bernadette) “Well there are worse things than staring at the water as you’re
posing for a picture being painted by your love in the middle of the summer on an island
near a river on a Suuuuundaaaaaay.”

MARK
Shit, you should do her in your show.

JEFF
I have. Too niche. See, even my drag show is limited.

MARK
Why don’t gay men write more musicals for themselves?

JEFF
Because musical are By Us, For Them. By the Queers. For the Tourists. The business is
run by us, yes but don’t you see? We hate ourselves. Some of us do. Not this one - but the
rich ones? They aren’t going to flame all over the boardroom. They gotta keep it buttoned
up. Masculine. Masc. So they tell other people’s stories. That means we are either
shamelessly flaming chorus boys or leading men closet cases. We don’t get to be
complacent. Enjoy it. You’re lucky.

Beat.
 76.

MARK
Are all the best parts in musical theater for women?

JEFF
Mostly.

MARK
Shit.

JEFF
Yeah you shoulda stayed where you were.

MARK
But what if I also want to play Velma.

JEFF
Sorry babe, you’re a Roxie.

MARK
Fuck, dude. I am a Roxie.

Beat.

MARK
What about Judy?

JEFF
What about her?

MARK
Is Judy good?

JEFF
Of course. She’s the best.

MARK
No, I mean. Is Judy good enough?

JEFF
Oh.

MARK
I thought she sounded really good in her audition. And she got two call backs from EPAs
which is pretty much unheard of.
 77.

JEFF
Oh her voice is great. It always has been. It should be heard by the masses.

MARK
So why isn’t it?

Jeff shrugs.

MARK
Come on.

JEFF
No! You’re dating her!

MARK
I mean, are you about to tell me she’s not working more because she’s a hoarder?

JEFF
No.

MARK
Does she have a penis?

JEFF
No. What’s wrong with a penis.

MARK
I don’t think whatever you are going to tell me is going to affect how I feel about her.

JEFF
How do you feel about her?

MARK
Really good. She’s...easy. I mean - you know. She’s easy to be around.

JEFF
She is.

MARK
So -

Beat.
 78.

JEFF
She’s just. She’s not a star. I mean, she is! No. She could be. But she won’t let herself be
a star. I mean, that voice? It requires a presence, an ownership of the stage. A Hey World
Here I Am Oh You Don’t Like It? Well Fuck Off Cunts.

MARK
But she doesn’t have that. And you do.

JEFF
And I do. But - I don’t have a lot of other things that she has.

MARK
Like the voice. Or the vagina.

JEFF
In the dark you can barely tell the difference.

Beat.

JEFF
If we could just combine. Mush ourselves together and make a new person. That would
be the real deal.

MARK
So, Judy’s not the real deal.

JEFF
Judy is the realest bitch out there. She’s just...stuck being small.

MARK
And you want her to be big.

JEFF
I want her to be free, baby.

Beat.

MARK
I think there are parts out there for you, parts outside of this club. Listen man, you’re
really -

JEFF
Why do you do that?

MARK
Do what?
 79.

JEFF
“Listen, man” or like “Yeah, dude.”

MARK
I don’t -

JEFF
You like, bro with me.

MARK
Is that bad?

JEFF
I guess not. If it’s genuine.

MARK
Why wouldn’t it be genuine? It’s how I - I don’t know. It’s how guys relate to each
other?

JEFF
Not my guy friends.

MARK
Well no. But yes, actually. You do the same thing.

JEFF
Nope.

MARK
You don’t call each other bitch? Or Honey? I’m pretty sure you’ve called me that.

JEFF
Oh. Well yeah, we do that.

MARK
That’s the same thing. It’s just a way to connect, to acknowledge.

JEFF
It feels different when you do it. When you say “bro.”

MARK
What does it feel like?

JEFF
It feels like you are reminding me that you don’t want to have sex with me.
 80.

MARK
Ha!

JEFF
Are you?

MARK
Maybe on some level.

JEFF
Why are you so sure that I want to have sex with you?

MARK
Don’t you?

JEFF
WHOA!

MARK
I’m sorry but, don’t you?

JEFF
Of course I do but you shouldn’t be so goddamn SURE OF IT.

MARK
Sorry I’ll go back to playing dumb hot straight guy.

JEFF
Who gets to have all the fun.

MARK
Not all the fun. Hey, I’m still playing Princeton in tragic Maine. And if I remember
correctly Princeton was on your list of fa- (stops himself) gay leading man roles that you
didn’t want.

JEFF
Everybody’s gotta start somewhere.

MARK
I wanna play George Seurat.

JEFF
You’ll get to. Regionally. But you’ll get to.
 81.

MARK
They could do an all male production. You could be my Dot.

JEFF
Don’t tempt me. Honey.

MARK
Just saying. Dude.

Beat.

JEFF
Actually, I wanna play George. Fuck this I wanna play George.

MARK
You can play George.

JEFF
Oh yeah?

MARK
Yeah. We can switch. (singing) I’d be in the Folliiiiies I’d be in the cabaret, wee!!

JEFF
Oh dammit he’s hot when he’s a woman too.

MARK
Wait wait wait, but the best part is um, wait - (singing) And you look inside the eyes. And
you catch him here and there. But he’s never really there. So you want him even more -

JEFF
And the way she catches light.

MARK
And you drown inside the eyes

JEFF
And the color of her hair.

MARK/JEFF
I could look at him/her forever.

(then, singing the orchestrations:)

 82.

Bah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah.

A bit of a swollen beat before they decide what to say

next. Jeff takes the ball and continues with the scene -

JEFF
“It’s going well.”

MARK
“Should I wear my red dress or blue?”

JEFF
“Red.”

Another swollen beat.

MARK
Oh. I kinda like being a woman.

JEFF
Don’t we all.

Beat.

Mark kisses Jeff. Not the other way around. But Jeff lets
it happen and then -

JEFF
Judy is my best friend.

MARK
Right.

JEFF
And you’re straight.

MARK
Ha. Right.

JEFF
Are you?

MARK
I’m - I -
 83.

JEFF
Yeah. I’m too old for this shit.

Silence.

MARK
I’m really sorry. I’ve never done that before.

JEFF
Putting on a bustle can really change a boy.

SCENE 6

An audition waiting room. Judy sits in her same audition

outfit going over sides.

The Actress from her other audition enters. Judy makes a

face to herself. Ugh, not this hot girl again.

They politely smile at each other.

ACTRESS
What time was your appointment?

JUDY
12:40.

ACTRESS
Oh.

JUDY
They’re going by the sign in. Just like last time.

ACTRESS
Last time?

JUDY
We were at an audition together? Like a couple weeks ago.

ACTRESS
...

JUDY
Avenue Q.
 84.

ACTRESS
Oh my god yes! You have that voice.

The Actress is suddenly warm, friendly. Completely

different from who she was last time.

JUDY
Oh.

ACTRESS
Did you get it? I was sure you got it.

JUDY
No, no I didn’t. Did you? Oh / well- obviously sorry.

ACTRESS
No, that’s why I asked if you did. Ha.

JUDY
Damn. “It sucks to be us.”

ACTRESS
Ha. Like, from the show.

JUDY
Yup.

ACTRESS
Ugh. I was sure you got it. I heard you from the waiting room and I got so jealous of you!

JUDY
Oh wow. That sort of throws off the whole narrative doesn’t it?

ACTRESS
What?

JUDY
No nothing. Yeah I didn’t get. They didn’t think I was good at the Lucy Slut material.

ACTRESS
That’s just one stupid song. That’s why?

JUDY
Yeah.
 85.

ACTRESS
That’s bullshit.

JUDY
I’m surprised you didn’t get it. You were like - really - in it. And like, empowered.

ACTRESS
I’m actually sort of glad I didn’t get it. I shouldn’t have even gone in for it.

JUDY
Why? Cuz it’s in Maine?

ACTRESS
Ha - well, that but. The director. Isn’t my favorite.

JUDY
Oh. Yeah. He seemed...disinterested.

ACTRESS
He’s at his best when he’s disinterested. His issue is being too interested.

JUDY
Ah.

ACTRESS
We did a show together, like years ago, when I got out of college and. Yeah.

JUDY
Did he - You don’t have to tell me.

ACTRESS
I probably really shouldn’t.

JUDY
Totally.

ACTRESS
Is that slander? Technically?

JUDY
Umm. I think only if you go to the press? Or like, hurt his career. And I’m a real estate
agent so.
 86.

ACTRESS
It was just a lot of little things, all added up. So I was always avoiding him. It’s not good
if the lead actress feels like she can’t talk to the director without him commenting on her
chest or like, giving her a shoulder rub? In front of everyone. He would do it in front of
everyone.

JUDY
Oh that’s the worst. That’s so embarrassing.

ACTRESS
It was. Like, “please understand I am not asking for this!” But of course no one believes
you. Everyone definitely thinks that was how I got the part.

JUDY
I’m sure they didn’t.

ACTRESS
They did. I’ve had this body long enough to know that people just assume the worst
about you. You can’t hide.

JUDY
(lying) That’s so weird. I can’t imagine thinking that.

ACTRESS
You’d be surprised. People are like “who is this bitch? She’s like a different species.” I
mean, by the end, I was wearing - ha - I would wear my boyfriend’s clothes to rehearsal.
Because they were so huge on me, he was 6’2” and I’m in his jeans, all rolled up. I tried
to like, turn myself into a boy.

JUDY
Oh god -

ACTRESS
But it didn’t help. It didn’t change anything. I feel like he knew what I was doing and he
liked it, he liked that he made me uncomfortable. Anyway, this is all boring and stupid -

JUDY
It’s not!

ACTRESS
Well, one night the whole group was out together and he was like trying to flirt with me
or something and then out of nowhere -
 87.

JUDY
(inhales air through teeth in anticipation)

ACTRESS
No, it’s not awful. It was just...He licked my face.

JUDY
Um.

ACTRESS
Not just my face. Bottom of my neck, up to my chin, up the side of my face. It was
almost pathetic, almost sad.

JUDY
Like in Terminator 2.

ACTRESS
What?

JUDY
In Terminator 2? When Linda Hamilton is in a mental institution and she is like, cuffed to
the bed and one of the orderlies licks her face. And later she kills him with a broken mop.
And then she saves the fucking world.

ACTRESS
WOAH.

JUDY
Yeah.

ACTRESS
That’s what I want to do. Kill him with a broken mop.

JUDY
Me too.

ACTRESS
I’ve never seen that movie.

JUDY
What?! Terminator 2?! It’s the best.

ACTRESS
I guess I always thought it was for boys?
 88.

JUDY
No! Well, yes. I mean the boys are on the poster, the boys are the selling point. But Linda
Hamilton is the hero. She’s so angry, so focused, so totally unstoppable. And she’s also a
mom. And her arms are just like -

Makes a gesture signifying Linda Hamilton’s arms.

ACTRESS
Ugh that’s the best. I hate my arms.

JUDY
What? You’re perfect.

ACTRESS
No, I can’t get rid of this part here. No matter what I do.

She holds up her arm and start hitting the fat part
underneath.

JUDY
Oh yeah, no way. Mine is worse.

Judy does the same. The two women are just sort of
staring at each other’s arm fat as it moves back and forth.

JUDY
She has none of this in the movie.

ACTRESS
Lucky.

JUDY
Yeah except then she married the director and like one year later he left her for a younger
woman.

ACTRESS
Of course. Fucking directors. They’re all fucking men. The best we can be is their star.

JUDY
Wait, so what was it like seeing him again? The face licker.

ACTRESS
Ugh stupid. I got myself so worked up. Like “I’m not going to miss out on a job over this
guy.” I gave myself pep talks. I talked to my shrink. And I was so worked up. I must have
been such a bitch that day!
 89.

She was.

JUDY
You weren’t. If you were I couldn’t tell.

ACTRESS
Well then the audition was just like. Boring. Typical. He was fine. I was fine. It was like
it never happened. I wonder if he even remembers. And then he didn’t cast me. And now
here we are again.

JUDY
Here we are again.

Beat.

JUDY
He licked your face.

ACTRESS
Yeah.

JUDY
I’m sorry.

ACTRESS
Oh. It’s literally fine. I got a facial the next day. And wrote it off as a tax deduction.

JUDY
I fucking hate being a woman. I wanna be Linda Hamilton.

ACTRESS
Me too. But - “If you want the benefits, you gotta handle the burden.”

JUDY
Huh. What?

ACTRESS
My grandma used to say that to me. Her version of “beauty is pain.”

JUDY
Oy.

ACTRESS
I know. I think it’s sort of true though.

Beat.
 90.

JUDY
What are the benefits exactly?

ACTRESS
Ha!

JUDY
I’m sort of serious.

ACTRESS
Oh sweetie there are so many! Feeling fabulous and beautiful and being the object of
desire. Why the hell else do you become an actress if you don’t like all the benefits of
being a woman?

JUDY
To murder a sexual predator with a broken mop?

ACTRESS
Ha.

JUDY
I think I somehow sort of lost touch with that part of myself.

ACTRESS
Well you should go in there and fucking flaunt it. Be like, “Uh” and like “Uh.” Like - I’m
the Lady of the Lake and I have a great ass and perfect skin. Because you do.

JUDY
Oh no.

ACTRESS
Accept it. You’re hot. Burden or benefit. Depends on how you look at it.

JUDY
Burden or benefit.

CASTING (OFF)
Judy?

ACTRESS
Go in there and make them wanna lick the hell outta you.

SCENE 7
 91.

The Stage Door. Jeff and Judy wait. Judy tells a story.
Jeff is listening but also searching for something on his
phone.

JUDY
- and I’m like, so sure that I want it to be this couple, who are so sweet, and funny, and
have been saving up! That was the thing, they had the money because they had been like,
obsessively saving because it was their dream. I mean - I know it sounds normal, to save
for an apartment or a house. But not in New York. In New York you can’t save that
much. Anyone who buys in New York either got help from their parents or is like, a
celebrity. Like had some sort of financial windfall. You don’t just squirrel away money
and then ta-da! I have $500,000 because I stopped taking taxis! It isn’t like that here. So
the fact that this couple just saved. It made me love them so much. But then, this guy
shows up, and he doesn’t even live here. He lives in fucking North Carolina. But he
wants a “place to stay in the city.” He just shows up last minute. And I’m not supposed to
do this, I’m not supposed to tip the scales at all, but I - you can’t tell anyone this - but I
left his application incomplete when I sent it in. Like, I left out some of the financials to
make it look like, I don’t know he was irresponsible or something? It was so
unprofessional! But then, they came back and asked for the rest like it wasn’t a big deal
and I couldn’t hide it any longer. And this couple called me every day asking. I just
couldn’t help but feel like they deserve it. Deserve it such a weird word, in real estate
especially, like it’s just numbers, it’s just what is out there. But they deserved it -

JEFF

(reading off his phone)

Broadway World says she’s on tonight.

JUDY
Okay good.

Beat.

JEFF
So who got it?

JUDY
Who got what?

JEFF
The apartment.

JUDY
Oh I didn’t think you were listening.
 92.

JEFF
Of course I was listening.

JUDY
The rich guy.

JEFF
Dammit.

JUDY
He had it all in cash. Nothing you can do about that.

JEFF
Can’t compete with cash.

Silence.

JEFF
Mark told me you had a call back.

JUDY
Oh. Yeah.

JEFF
How’d it go.

JUDY
I thought it went really well. But.

JEFF
Shit.

JUDY
Yeah.

JEFF
Did they say why?

JUDY
Yeah. They recommended a class for me to take.

JEFF
That’s nice of them.

JUDY
Um, is it?
 93.

JEFF
I mean, they clearly like you.

JUDY
I still have $40,000 of debt for all the “classes” I took. I don’t need another class.

JEFF
Just a tune up.

JUDY
So you think I need a class?

JEFF
I think if you want a job as much as you say you want a job you should do the work.

JUDY
Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know. Did you and Mark hang out for a while after the show?

JEFF
We had a drink.

JUDY
Was it fun?

JEFF
Yeah.

JUDY
That’s good.

JEFF
He really likes you.

JUDY
Yeah?

JEFF
Yeah. He said you’re easy.

JUDY
Easy?

JEFF
Not like, slutty. Like, easy to be around.
 94.

JUDY
Oh.

Beat.

JUDY
Was that all he said?

JEFF
He said that he really liked you.

JUDY
Because I’m “easy to be around”

JEFF
Yeah.

JUDY
Like a ceiling fan.

JEFF
What?

JUDY
I don’t know just. Not my favorite compliment. But, I guess it’s early.

JEFF
It was nice the way he said it. He didn’t say it with a shrug. He said it with reverence.
He really enjoyed the show, which is nice.

JUDY
Totally.

Beat.

JUDY
So, the good news is that I think I found another place for this younger couple. A little
less money so they can put in more for the down / payment which will make them -

JEFF
I’m sorry are we just not going to talk about my show?

JUDY
What?
 95.

JEFF
Are you just not going to say anything about the show?

JUDY
I did! I said I loved it.

JEFF
You texted me.

JUDY
Right.

JEFF
You left early and then you texted me.

JUDY
I had the call back, and I wasn’t feeling well.

JEFF
Right, so then like, you should have brought it up now. And talked about it. Like we
always do.

JUDY
Okay. Let’s talk about it.

JEFF
Okay.

Beat.

JUDY
I thought it was really good. You. I thought you were really good.

JEFF
Thank you.

JUDY
I thought that the outfit was insanely authentic.

JEFF
Thank you.
 96.

JUDY
Oh - and what was with Jezebel, was she off her game or something? It was almost like
she completely forgot the choreography, or at least I hope she did because if that / was
planned -

JEFF
Wait, that’s it?

JUDY
Uh -

JEFF
That’s all you’re going to say about my performance.

JUDY
Jeff. I thought you were so good.

JEFF
And -

JUDY
That’s it!

JEFF
Okay.

JUDY
Okay!

Beat.

JEFF
I worked really hard at it.

JUDY
Of course you did! You always do. God is in the details.

JEFF
But this one in particular. Because I want her to see it. I want it to be ready when she sees
it.

JUDY
Mhmm.

JEFF
So - it’s sort of sad and weird for me that you are being cagey.
 97.

JUDY
I’m not being cagey. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be.

Beat.

JUDY
Are you going to invite her?

JEFF
Yeah.

JUDY
Tonight?

JEFF
Yeah. I perfected my speech.

JUDY
That’s great.

JEFF
Do you not think I should invite her?

JUDY
If you want to invite her you should definitely invite her.

Beat.

JUDY
Did I mention the wig? The wig was great.

Beat.

Beat.

JEFF
Mark kissed me.

JUDY
Ha!

Beat.

JUDY
What?
 98.

JEFF
He kissed me. At the bar.

JUDY
Like -

JEFF
Kissed me, romantically.

Beat.

JUDY
I can’t tell if you’re joking.

JEFF
I’m not joking. It happened. That’s probably why he’s being weird.

Beat.

Beat.

Judy changes.

JUDY
I knew you were going to do this to me.

JEFF
Excuse me?

JUDY
I just - I knew it.

JEFF
Uh-uh. Nope. None of that. He kissed me. Not the other way around. I just thought you
should know.

JUDY
Well what did you do to make him do that?

JEFF
!!!

JUDY
I’m serious! He must have gotten some kind of signal.
 99.

JEFF
You sound like private counsel for a date rapist.

JUDY
You know you were flirting with him the moment you met him. He’s not gay.

JEFF
He’s not not gay. I’m not a wizard.

JUDY
You’re not a wizard?

JEFF
I can’t turn people one way or another. He is or he isn’t. And after that kiss it’s looking
like he is.

JUDY
He got confused.

JEFF
He’s an adult. He didn’t get confused.

JUDY
Well, then what happened? After the kiss.

JEFF
Then I stopped him.

JUDY
After how long?

JEFF
Honestly, like 5 seconds. It was a kiss. It was definitely a kiss. But then I stopped him.
And then that was that. We went home. It was done. So. Yes. Now you know.

JUDY
I really liked him. And he really liked me. Or he could have. This is - you are so mean.

JEFF
I’m not mean. I’m nice. I’m doing the right thing. I thought you should know.

JUDY
You just thought I should know.

JEFF
Yes.
 100.

JUDY
I’m so angry at you.

JEFF
At me?! I pushed him off! Then I told you about it.

JUDY
You weren’t going to tell me. You told me to hurt me. You told me because I didn’t like
your show.

JEFF
Ah. There it is.

JUDY
Yes. There it is.

JEFF
So. What didn’t you like about it?

JUDY
A couple things.

JEFF
We’re being honest today, Judy. Be honest.

JUDY
A lot of things. I didn’t like a lot of things. Actually, I hated it. It made me so fucking
angry. I hated it.

JEFF
Wow. Wow okay. Just go, huh? Just go on and let it out. / What the hell else am I here
for?

JUDY
I will! I will let it out! I’m allowed. I’m allowed to see a drag performance and get pissed.
I’m allowed to see something that you might think is like, empowering or whatever -

JEFF
Or whatever?

JUDY
Not whatever. Whatever! I’m allowed to see something like that and say “I don’t like it”
and that doesn’t make me some bigot or some like, homophobe.
 101.

JEFF
Generally when someone has to tell someone else that they aren’t a homophobe, they are
sort of a homophobe.

JUDY
Are you kidding me?!

JEFF
Well why the hell would I think you’re a homophobe?

JUDY
You said that I’m not allowed to say faggot.

JEFF
You’re not! So fucking stop saying it.

JUDY
Why can’t I? Why can’t I say it?

JEFF
Because it is a fucking slur, Judy. Do you want me to take you through the history of
this? We have some of Act Two to get through.

JUDY
But you get to say cunt?? And hennnnney? And bitch? And why can you put on a wig
and fake tits and prance around the stage, and bevel and use your hips and flirt with the
boys and sing a woman’s song, and make fun of her, make fun of that woman and what
she brought to the role, of what she created out of nothing. Why are you allowed to do
that?

JEFF
Because I am really fucking good at it. Does that bother you?

JUDY
It does bother me. Because you’re not that good at it. You’re not that good at being a
woman. You are good at one aspect of being a woman - one. Now, it happens to be the
only aspect than anyone gives a shit about. Yes. But there is a fuck ton more to being a
woman than what you do. And there is a whole lot more to being HER than putting on a
wig and copying some choreography and doing the big eyes thing.

JEFF
I know that.
 102.

JUDY
Do you?

JEFF
Yes. Just like I know there is a hell of a lot more to being a gay man than giving snaps
and being cheeky and going to pride and being your best friend. But do you know that?

JUDY
I do.

JEFF
You don’t get to say what we can and can’t do. You’re not one of us.

JUDY
You’re not one of us either.

JEFF
Who said I want to be?

JUDY
Um you did.

JEFF
When?

JUDY
When you put on a dress once a week?

JEFF
Nope. Sorry honey. That is not what I’m doing when I do drag. I do it to show that all of
this, all this identity shit that you get so caught up in is a lie. Your triggered reaction is
exactly why I do drag.

JUDY
Don’t say triggered. Don’t use that word. It makes it seem like I’m being oversensitive -

JEFF
If the heel fits -

JUDY
No! Don’t dismiss this. I’m having a true reaction.

JEFF
You’re having an over reaction.
 103.

JUDY
Okay. If identity is a lie, then can I do drag? Can I do drag as a woman.

JEFF
No.

JUDY
Why.

JEFF
Because that’s not drag. There’s no irony to you dressing up as...you. I mean, I guess you
could do dress up as a man, but -

JUDY
But what? It wouldn’t be funny, right?

JEFF
No, it wouldn’t be fabulous.

JUDY
Oh bullshit. I call such bullshit. Women don’t do drag as men because it isn’t funny,
because masculinity isn’t funny. It’s normal. But putting on fake tits and prancing
around? Hilarious. Being a sissy? Straight up comedy.

JEFF
It’s a celebration of the feminine, Judy. Something you should consider trying.

JUDY
If it’s a celebration of the feminine then why can’t I put on a fucking wig and some heels
and some insane makeup and just let it rip?

JEFF
I really would stop pushing this so hard. You’re starting to look desperate.

JUDY
I could say the same thing about you when you try to be a woman.

JEFF
I’m not trying to be a woman, I’m trying to be a drag queen.

JUDY
I don’t see how there is a difference.

JEFF
Well that’s a shame for you. You are really missing out.
 104.

JUDY
I am. I am really missing out. I’ve been really missing out on my whole life, apparently.

JEFF
That is no one’s fault but yours.

JUDY
I think it might be a little yours too.

JEFF
And how is that?

JUDY
There is no room for me next to you! There is no room! I can’t be the woman. I can’t be
the star. I can’t get the guy.

JEFF
I didn’t get the guy.

JUDY
Of course you did. He never kissed me! We never kissed! I think he tried to, or was going
to, or something, but I just - I couldn’t let him. Or I couldn’t let myself. And I can’t
explain why. I can’t explain why I can’t just let myself be be be one of those women. I
tried, I tried the other day and I just can’t. I tried at my audition and I got told to “take a
class.” From you, probably - you would probably teach the class on how to be a better
woman. You were right about it. You were right about Mark. And I’m just the fool. I am
the sidekick. I refuse to be your sidekick.

JEFF
Who said you were?

JUDY
There is always a sidekick.

JEFF
Well I’m sure as fuck not yours.

JUDY
Yes. Yes. I am aware of that, Jeff.

JEFF
Are you? Because it sort of seems like in your perfect world I am just sort of there for
your benefit, to tell you you’re fierce and that Mark likes you I promise and that
everything I do will never ever interfere or come in conflict with what YOU want.
 105.

JUDY
So you like him?

JEFF
Mark?

JUDY
Don’t delay. Answer.

JEFF
Of course I like him. He’s Robert Redford. He’s Hubble. Everyone loves Hubble.

JUDY
And you’re Barbra Streisand. You’re Katie.

JEFF
I am.

JUDY
And who am I?

Beat.

Beat.

JUDY
Yup.

JEFF
You can also be Katie. You’re a Katie too.

JUDY
No. I quit.

JEFF
You quit what.

JUDY
I quit everything. I quit acting. I quit trying to be one of these women. One of these
women that you are better at being. Women who are better at taking up space. Women
who are feminine in the way that everyone wants them to be feminine. Women who
understand the benefits of being a woman, which I just can’t fucking see for the life of
me.

JEFF
You can be like that too. You can be however you want to be.
 106.

JUDY
I’m not them. I’m not you. I’m not who I thought I was going to be. I quit. I quit wearing
these fucking unflattering jeans. I quit -

JEFF
Don’t quit acting. You don’t need to quit acting.

JUDY
I quit being your sidekick.

JEFF
You’re not.

JUDY
You’re right. I’m not.

Judy leaves the stage door.

Jeff stands there for a while. He doesn’t know what to do

with himself without her. He is alone.

Then he hears applause - the show is over. It’s happening,

she’s going to come out. She’s going to sign.

Then, the Doorman comes out. He shakes his head “No.”

Jeff deflates. He drops his playbill on the ground and
leaves, totally dejected.

The Doorman looks left, looks right. The coast is clear.

Then, they take off their hat, their jacket, their sunglasses.
They let out their long, long hair. It’s IDINA MENZEL,
sneaking out of the stage door. This is how she does it
night after night. She hides in the disguise of a man.
Because who would look at a man?

She picks up the playbill and looks at herself. She feels so

far away from that girl in the pictures.

SCENE 8

An audition waiting room. Mark sits on the chair

studying his sides. Jeff comes in. He pauses at the door.
Should he say hi? Should he hide in the hallway? He
reaches for the doorknob to leave when Mark turns -
 107.

MARK
Oh -

JEFF
Ha!

MARK
Ha - hi.

JEFF
Yes. Hi.

MARK
Were you just leaving?

JEFF
NO no, I thought I might be in the wrong place but -

He checks the sign in sheet -

JEFF
This is right. You’re here for - ?

Mark holds up his sides. Jeff looks at them. Then holds

up his.

JEFF
Same.

Jeff just stands there.

MARK
You can sit.

JEFF
No no. Too much energy.

MARK
Uh-huh. Sure.

JEFF
What?
 108.

MARK
You never texted me back.

JEFF
Oh ugh I know. I’m the worst. I’m just - I answer texts in my head and then don’t
actually answer them, but I think I did. And by the time I realize that I didn’t, too much
time has passed for me to respond without a lengthy speech not unlike this one.

MARK
So what did it say?

JEFF
What?

MARK
The text that you wrote in your head. What did it say?

JEFF
Oh. Um just: “Not now.” I can’t now. I can’t like - be your friend, or more than friend? I
guess your text was a little unclear for me. I didn’t quite know what you were asking for.

MARK
I just wanted to see you again. But I know. Judy.

JEFF
Yeah.

Beat.

JEFF
Actually -

MARK
What?

JEFF
Not Judy. Judy isn’t. We haven’t. We’re not Jeff and Judy anymore.

MARK
What?!

JEFF
Yeah.

MARK
Because of me?
 109.

JEFF
Don’t flatter yourself.

MARK
What happened?

JEFF
Idina Menzel.

MARK
I’m lost.

JEFF
You’re new.

Beat.

MARK
I’m sorry that happened. I’m really sorry.

JEFF
Yeah. Maybe it was time.

MARK
Soooo we can hang out - you and I? What are you doing after this?

JEFF
.....

(He’s waiting at the stage door)

MARK
No.

JEFF
We are in midtown! What else would I be doing?

MARK
Without Judy?

JEFF
I need to get her to my show. And yes without Judy. Judy isn’t part of it anymore.

MARK
What if Judy is waiting there too.
 110.

JEFF
She won’t be. She’s - she’s stepping away from it all.

MARK
It all?

JEFF
Everything. The fantasy.

MARK
Maybe I can join you then?

Jeff holds up his sides.

JEFF
I don’t fraternize with the competition.

MARK
Oh daaaaaamn.

JEFF
I also don’t deal with little gaybies like yourself. I like them to mature a bit.

MARK
I’m not -

JEFF
Gay?

MARK
I don’t...like that word.

JEFF
My point exactly.

MARK
I guess I just don’t understand the point of the label.

JEFF
Ha!! The “I don’t like labels” guy! My favorite guy!

MARK
Stop.

JEFF
You realize that’s not new, right? It’s an old old story full of fear and blue balls.
 111.

MARK
I’m not running away from this. I’m the one that kissed you -

JEFF
After I told you I wanted to sleep with you. Big risk you took there.

MARK
And I’m the one that texted you, and got no response -

JEFF
- I already provided my very adequate defense for that -

MARK
AND I made an account...a profile. Online.

Beat.

JEFF
...You did?

MARK
I did. I lurked a little. I saw some stuff. Just didn’t make any moves.

JEFF
Let me see it.

MARK
No way.

JEFF
I can give you notes. Or are you so confident that you know what guys are looking for?
That you can so easily slip right into gay culture?

MARK
You’re gonna make fun of me. I’m worried I did it wrong.

JEFF
Exactly. Hand it over.

Mark grabs his phone and opens the dating app he was
using. He pulls up his profile. He hands it to Jeff.

JEFF
Oh fuck you for this picture. This is just what your face looks like? While you’re hiking?
 112.

MARK
It’s just because I was tan. That’s why it looks good.

JEFF
Sure. That’s why it looks good.

He scrolls. He nods.

MARK
You’re being really quiet.

JEFF
That’s a good thing. Okay - get rid of this one. The other four pictures are better. You
don’t want people to doubt.

MARK
Okay.

JEFF
Guys 22-45....oooooh daddy.

MARK
This is hell.

Beat.

JEFF
I can’t believe you actually did this. That you actually are out there, looking for guys.

MARK
I made it after you didn’t text me back. I would rather have not made it. I would rather
have just gone out with you again.

They hold eye contact for a moment. Jeff breaks it and

goes back to the phone.

They hear an actress singing from inside the audition

room.

MARK
They’ve had her do the song like - 4 times.

JEFF
And yet she still can’t get that D flat.
 113.

MARK
Ha!

But something on Mark’s dating profile has caught Jeff’s

eye. His face falls.

JEFF
Masc only?

MARK
Yeah. Is that wrong? Did I use the term wrong? Shit. It means masculine, right?

JEFF
Yeah.

MARK
Oh okay. Phew.

JEFF
Masc only?

MARK
Um....

JEFF
I’m sorry - have we met?

MARK
Yes?

JEFF
You like me. You kissed me.

MARK
Yes.

JEFF
Not sure you’ve noticed, but I’m not what they call “masc.”

MARK
Well, sure but. I know you in person. It’s different. If I’m meeting a guy for a hook up, I
just want to make sure he’s going to be a certain type.

JEFF
And that type is Masc. Only.
 114.

MARK
I feel like I did something wrong and I don’t know what it is. Should I change it?

JEFF
What’s wrong with being effeminate?

MARK
Nothing, it’s just. Not what I’m into.

JEFF
Because....

MARK
Because, I don’t know! Aren’t I allowed to be particular about the kinds of men I’m
attracted to?

JEFF
I thought you didn’t like labels.

MARK
When guys are too girly it’s just....it feels silly? I don’t know.

JEFF
Am I silly?

MARK
No - but like I said. I know you.

JEFF
You’re saying that like it’s a compliment but it’s actually sort of hateful.

MARK
Hateful? Oh my god -

JEFF
It’s homophobic, actually.

MARK
How could I be homophobic. I’m trying to date you. You’re the one who’s dancing
around it.

JEFF
I’m not dancing around -
 115.

Mark kisses Jeff. It’s very hot. It’s not safe or romantic,
it’s hot, hands grabbing and tongues all over the place.

Mark pulls away -

MARK
I can add to my profile: “Masc only plus Jeff.”

JEFF

(that’s adorable)
Ugh.

The audition room door opens and an actress comes out

and grabs her things. Jeff and Mark quickly separate.

The CASTING DIRECTOR (female, 20s, attractive)

comes out and looks at the sign in sheet.

CASTING DIRECTOR
Jeff? You’ll be next but we’re taking a little break. The director is...they are just being
very particular. Is that okay? Are you in a rush?

JEFF
Nowhere else to be.

CASTING DIRECTOR
Okay great. Thank you. And sorry.

MARK
Are you gonna hang out here with us? During your break?

CASTING DIRECTOR
Ha! I wish.

MARK
Come on - we’re way more fun than that stuffy creative team.

Jeff raises an eyebrow. Is Mark flirting with her?

CASTING DIRECTOR
If I wasn’t on the clock you know I would. But these guys run a tight ship.
 116.

MARK
Let me know if they aren’t treating you right. I’ll go in and talk to them.

CASTING DIRECTOR
Ha! My hero. Oh wait - I forgot to ask - you’re both avail for the show dates right? I
know they just moved up rehearsal start time and it’s this whole thing with Equity but,
before you come in he wants to make sure you are free to take the job if you get it.

JEFF
Again, nowhere else to be.

MARK
Yup. I’m avail.

CASTING DIRECTOR
Okay amazing. They’re making us double check with everyone. And then check again.

MARK
You deserve a drink after whatever is happening in there.

CASTING DIRECTOR
You have no idea.

MARK
Well, you know where to find me.

She smiles, clearly into him.

CASTING DIRECTOR
I’ll be out to grab you in a second.

She heads back into the audition room.

JEFF
Old habits die hard, huh?

MARK
What?

JEFF
You’re into women when it’s convenient?

MARK
Who said I was into her?
 117.

JEFF
Your voice fully changed. You became a fucking cowboy banker. Not “Mark looking for
men 22-45 who just had his hand on my dick.”

MARK
That’s bullshit. I did not.

JEFF
“Well, you know where to find me.”

MARK
She does! Also, I never said I wasn’t attracted to women. I did actually like Judy.

JEFF
Or do you just want women to be attracted to you.

MARK
Doesn’t everyone want people to be attracted to them?

JEFF
Not if it means pretending to be someone they’re not.

MARK
Cowboy banker is part of me, you know. It’s probably a part of me that you really like. A
mask as you might say.

JEFF
Don’t use my own manifesto against me.

MARK
I was just trying to be polite with her. She seems exhausted. These people are nuts, they
keep changing the dates, they keep sending updated material -

JEFF
Wait -

MARK
What?

JEFF
Why are you here? You said you were avail but - Doesn’t this show - doesn’t it conflict
with Maine? With you going to Maine?

MARK
Oh. Yeah, it does. But um, I dropped out.
 118.

Beat.

JEFF
What?

MARK
It was a weirdly long run and I just didn’t want to be booked for the whole summer.

JEFF
That’s exactly what you should want.

MARK
I thought there might be more for me here.

JEFF
More...

MARK
More opportunities. I think I can do better.

JEFF
Did you tell them that? Was that the reason your agent gave the theater? “You think you
can do better?”

MARK
I mean, I hadn’t signed my contract or anything yet.

JEFF
Right.

MARK
And you know, it’s Maine. Maine is tragic.

JEFF
Maine is actually supposed to basically be paradise in the summer.

MARK
You’re the one who told me is was tragic!

JEFF
I was trying to make Judy feel better.

MARK
Well you should have seen the housing they were putting us in. One shared bathroom for
four guys.
 119.

JEFF
Hope they’re all masc.

MARK
That’s not what I mean. I just - I’m almost 30. I can’t live like that.

JEFF
You were playing the lead!

MARK
You said it wasn’t a good part!

JEFF
I haven’t had an acting job in 4 years! I teach a glorified aerobics class to housewives and
closet cases. I say that shit to make myself feel better. Not because it’s true.

MARK
....4 / years?

JEFF
I can’t believe you dropped out. Yes, 4 years.

MARK
But you’re so confident. I thought you - I thought you were -

JEFF
It’s a lie you moron. Of course it’s a lie. I would give anything to go to tragic Maine and
play that part. I would pay them. I would pay them money for me to do a job.

MARK
But maybe you shouldn’t. Maybe you should value yourself more.

JEFF
Oh suck a cock. I can’t believe you dropped out.

MARK
I’m sorry! I don’t understand why it has anything to do with you?

JEFF
We are all supposed to care about this as much as one another. That’s the only thing that
makes it bearable. It’s an unspoken contract, that the person who you lose the part to
wants it just as badly as you do. That they are willing to be an outcast for this ridiculous
medium. That they would go to fucking Kansas if it meant they would get to originate a
role. You don’t deserve a role because you’re good. You deserve it because you are
willing to sacrifice for it. You are willing to take on all the bullshit, all the burden.
 120.

All the day jobs and missed rent payments and getting teased every day. But that doesn’t
make any sense for you, does it? Because you’ve always been able to hide or shift or
change, be whoever anyone wants you to be, be whoever is the most convenient, the most
beloved. You’re exactly what everyone thinks you are, and that is no one at all.

Beat.

MARK
You’re the one who said it was a lame faggoty role.

Beat

JEFF
Until you hear that word and are certain that the person saying it is going to kill you, it is
off limits to you. Do you understand? I’m telling you this for your own good.

MARK
Are you serious?

JEFF
Yes. I am always serious. I take things very seriously. And that’s the difference between
you and me.

MARK
I take it seriously too. That’s the point. I don’t want to settle. I don’t want to be like Judy.

JEFF
Judy is the realest bitch there is. You wish you were Judy.

MARK
But Judy is unemployed.

JEFF
Technically faggot? So are you.

The door opens. The Casting Director comes back out.

CASTING DIRECTOR
Jeff? You ready?

JEFF
Yup.

He grabs his things. Turns to Mark.

 121.

JEFF
You can’t come to the stage door anymore. Tourist.

MARK
What? Why? What just happened. That was like a massacre.

JEFF
You’re not one of us.

MARK
One of who?

Jeff exits into the audition room.

CASTING DIRECTOR
You’re better off. Stage doors are fucking tragedies.

MARK
My night just opened up if you want to grab a drink after this -

SCENE 9

A drag club. Jeff sits at the table where Judy and Mark
were sitting before. The lights go down.

Judy, dressed in full drag as Mama Rose comes out.

She performs all of Roses Turn, lip syncing. The voice

coming through the speakers is her own voice, pre-
recorded. But she is not singing live - that’s the whole
point. She is pretending to be someone else. And that
someone is herself. It is sexy. It is powerful. It is so
different from how we have ever seen her before. She
loves being a woman. She loves being a star.

She hits her final pose. Jeff stands, applauding wildly.

BLACKOUT.

END OF PLAY