The One Where It All Began (Pilot)

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There's nothing to tell. It's just some guy I work with.

You're going out with a guy.

There's gotta be something wrong with him.

So does he have a hump and a hair piece?

Wait. Does he eat chalk?

I don't want her to go through what I did with Carl.

Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date.

It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.

Sounds like a date to me.

I'm in high school, in the middle of the cafeteria...

...and I realize I'm totally naked.

I've had that dream.

Then I look down and I realize there is a phone...

...there.

-Instead of-- -That's right!

That one, I've never had.

All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring.

And it turns out it's my mother.

Which is very, very weird because she never calls me.

This guy says, "Hello," I wanna kill myself.

You okay, sweetie?

I feel like someone grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth...

-...and tied it around my neck. -Cookie?

Carol moved out today.

-Let me get you some coffee. -Thanks.

No, don't! Stop cleansing my aura.

Just leave my aura alone, okay?

I'll be fine. I hope she'll be very happy.

No, you don't.

And you never knew she was a lesbian.

No! Okay?

Why does everyone keep fixating on that?

She didn't know. How should I know?

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.

Did I say that out loud?

Look, you're feeling a lot of pain right now.

You're angry. You're hurting.

Can I tell you what the answer is?

Strip joints!

Come on, you're single. Have some hormones.

See, but I don't want to be single, okay?

I just want to be married again.

And I just want a million dollars!

Rachel?

Oh, God, Monica! Hi! Thank God!

I went to your building and this guy with a hammer said...

...that you might be here and you are.

-Can I get you some coffee? -Decaf.

Everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor.

This is everybody. Chandler and Phoebe...

...and Joey. And remember my brother, Ross?

Sure!

You want to tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Oh, God! Well, it started about a half-hour before the wedding.

I was in this room with all the presents...

...and I was looking at this gravy boat.

This really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat.

When all of a sudden-- Sweet 'N Low?

I realized...
...l was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry.

And then I really freaked out, when it hit me:

How much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head.

I always knew he looked familiar, but....

I had to get out of there, and I started wondering...

..."Why am I doing this?" and "Who am I doing this for?"

I didn't know where to go, and I know you and I have drifted apart...

...but you're the only person I know in the city.

Who wasn't asked to the wedding.

I was kind of hoping that wouldn't be an issue.

I guess he bought her the pipe organ...

...and she's really not happy about it.

Daddy, I just-- I can't marry him.

I'm sorry.

I just don't love him.

Well, it matters to me!

She should not be wearing those pants.

I say push her down the stairs!

Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!

Come on, Daddy, listen!

All my life, everyone's always told me, "You're a shoe!"

"You're a shoe! You're a shoe! You're a shoe!"

I stopped and said, "What if I don't wanna be a shoe?

What if I want to be a purse?

Or a hat?"

I don't want you to buy me a hat, l--

It's a metaphor, Daddy!

You can see where he'd have trouble.

Look, Daddy, it's my life.

Well, maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.

I guess we've established she's staying with Monica.

Well, maybe I don't need your money.

Wait! Wait! I said maybe!

Just breathe. That's it.

Just try to think of nice, calm things.

Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens

Doorbells and sleigh bells And something with mittens

La la la something With string

I'm all better now.

I helped.

This is probably for the best, you know?

Independence. Taking control of your life.

If you need anything, you can always come to Joey.

Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.

Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day.

What? Like there's a rule or something?

Please don't do that again. It's a horrible sound.

-It's Paul. -Buzz him in.

-Who's Paul? -Paul, the wine guy?

Maybe.

Your "not a real date," is with Paul, the wine guy?

He finally asked you out?

It's a "Dear Diary" moment.

Rach, I can cancel.

Please, no. Go, I'll be fine.

Ross, are you okay? Do you want me to stay?

That'd be good.

-Really? -Go on! It's Paul, the wine guy!

Hi, come in! Paul, this is...

...everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.

-The wine guy. -I didn't catch your name. Paul?

I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

Rachel, what are you up to tonight?

I was supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon...

...so, nothing.

Right. You're not even getting your honeymoon.

Although, Aruba. This time of year?

Talk about your...

...big lizards.

If you don't feel like being alone tonight...

...Joey and Chandler are helping me with my furniture.

And we're very excited about it.

Thanks. But I'm just gonna hang out here.

-It's been a long day. -Okay. Sure.

Pheebs, wanna help?

I wish I could, but I don't want to.

I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y thing to the side things...

...using a bunch of these little worm guys.

I have no bracket-y thing. I see no worm guys whatsoever...

...and I cannot feel my legs.

What's this?

I have no idea.

-Done with the bookcase. -All finished.

This was Carol's favorite beer.

She always drank it out of the can. I should have known.

Let me ask you a question.

She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV.

What did you get?

You guys.

-You got screwed. -Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God. -I know. I'm such an idiot.

I mean, how clean can teeth get?

My brother's going through that. He's a mess.

How did you get through it?

He might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers.

-Say her-- -Leg?

That's one way of going through it.

Me, I went for the watch.

You actually broke her watch?

Barry, I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

You probably think it's about making love with your socks on, but it isn't.

It's about me. And I just--

Machine cut me off again. Anyway....

You know what's scary? What if there is only one woman for everybody?

I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it?

Unfortunately, in my case, there was only one woman for her.

What are you talking about? One woman.

That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you.

Let me tell you something. There's lots of flavors out there.

Rocky road and cookie dough and bing cherry vanilla.

You can get them with jimmies or nuts or whipped cream.

This is the best thing that ever happened to you!

You got married. You were like, what? 8?

Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon!

I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.

Then stay out of my freezer.

Ever since she walked out on me, l....

What? What?

You wanna spell it out with noodles?

It's more of a fifth date kind of revelation.

So there's going to be a fifth date?

Yeah, yeah. I think there is.

What were you going to say?

Ever since she left me...

...l haven't been able to perform...

...sexually.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

I'm so sorry.

Being spit on is probably not what you need right now.

How long?

Two years.

I'm glad you smashed her watch.

So you still think you might want that fifth date?

Yeah, I do.

I, Joanie, take you, Charles, as my lawful husband.

Do you take Joanie--

See!

But Joanie loved Chachi. That's the difference.

"Grab a spoon."

Do you know long it's been since I grabbed a spoon?

Do the words, "Billy, don't be a hero," mean anything to you?

You know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough...

...to ask a woman out...

...who am I going to ask?

Isn't this amazing?

I have never made coffee before in my life.

-That is amazing. -Congratulations.

If you feel like you gotta make a Western omelet or something....

Although, actually I'm really not that hungry.

-Good morning. -Good morning.

-Morning. -Morning, Paul.

I had a really great time last night.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

We'll talk later.

Thank you.

That wasn't a real date.

What the hell do you do on a real date?

Shut up and put my table back.

I've got to get to work.

If I don't input those numbers, it doesn't make much of a difference.

So, like, you guys all have jobs?

Yeah, we all have jobs.

That's how we buy stuff.

Yeah, I'm an actor.

Have I seen you in anything?

I doubt it. Mostly regional work.

Unless you happen to catch the Wee One's production of Pinocchio.

"Look, Geppeto. I'm a real live boy."

I will not take this abuse.

You're right. I'm sorry.

Once I was a wooden boy A little wooden boy

How are you doing today? You sleep okay?

Did you talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.

I see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

I know. He's just so--

Remember you and Tony De Marco?

Well, it's like that. With feelings.

Are you in trouble!

I'm going to get up, go to work, and not think about him all day.

Or else I'm just going to get up and go to work.

-Wish me luck! -What for?

-Hey, Monica. -Hey, Franny. Welcome back.

How was Florida?

You had sex, didn't you?

How do you do that?

So, who?

You know Paul?

Paul, the wine guy?

Yeah, I know Paul.

You mean, you know Paul like I know Paul?

Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul.

Before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.

Of course it was a line.

Why? Why would anybody do something like that?

We're looking for an answer more sophisticated than...

..."To get you into bed."

Is it me?

Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs...

...and men with emotional problems can hear?

Come here. Give me your feet.

I just thought he was nice, you know?

I can't believe you didn't know it was a line.

Guess what?

-You got a job? -Are you kidding?

I'm trained for nothing.

I was laughed out of 1 2 interviews.

You're surprisingly upbeat.

You would be too if you found Joan and David boots on sale...

...50% percent off.

How well you know me.

They're my "I don't need a job or my parents.

-How did you pay for them? -Credit card.

And who pays for that?

My father.

You can't live off your parents.

I know that. That's why I was getting married.

Give her a break. It's hard being on your own for the first time.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

When I first came to this city, I was 14.

My mom had killed herself and my stepdad was in prison.

And I got here, and I didn't know anybody.

I ended up living with this albino guy who was cleaning windshields.

And then he killed himself.

Then I found aromatherapy. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

The word you're looking for is:

"Anyway...."

-You ready? -I don't think so.

Cut. Cut.

Cut, cut, cut.

Welcome to the real world!

It sucks. You're gonna love it.

That's it.

You gonna crash on the couch?

-No, I gotta go home sometime. -Are you gonna be okay?

Look what I just found on the floor.

What?

That's Paul's watch.

You can just put it back where you found it.

Oh, boy! All right.

-Good night, everybody. -Good night.

-I'm sorry. -No!

You probably didn't know this, but back in high school I had...

...a major crush on you.

I knew.

You did?

I figured you thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.

I did.

Listen, do you think--

And try not to let my vulnerability become any kind of a factor here.

Do you think it would be okay if I asked you out sometime, maybe?

Maybe.

Okay, maybe I will.

-Good night. -Good night.

See you.

Wait, wait.

What's with you?

I just grabbed a spoon.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

I can't believe What I'm hearing

-What? I said you had-- -What? I said you had--

Would you stop?

Was I doing it again?

Would anybody like more coffee?

Did you make it?

-I'm just serving it. -I'll have a cup of coffee.

IKids, new dream.

I'm in Las Vegas. I'm Liza Minnelli.

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