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INTRODUCTION TO DATA
MINING
INTRODUCTION TO DATA
MINING
SECOND EDITION
PANG-NING TAN
MICHAEL STEINBACH
University of Minnesota
ANUJ KARPATNE
University of Minnesota
VIPIN KUMAR
University of Minnesota
1 18
ISBN-10: 0133128903
ISBN-13: 9780133128901
To our families …
Preface to the Second Edition
Since the first edition, roughly 12 years ago, much has changed in the field of
data analysis. The volume and variety of data being collected continues to
increase, as has the rate (velocity) at which it is being collected and used to
make decisions. Indeed, the term, Big Data, has been used to refer to the
massive and diverse data sets now available. In addition, the term data
science has been coined to describe an emerging area that applies tools and
techniques from various fields, such as data mining, machine learning,
statistics, and many others, to extract actionable insights from data, often big
data.
The growth in data has created numerous opportunities for all areas of data
analysis. The most dramatic developments have been in the area of predictive
modeling, across a wide range of application domains. For instance, recent
advances in neural networks, known as deep learning, have shown impressive
results in a number of challenging areas, such as image classification, speech
recognition, as well as text categorization and understanding. While not as
dramatic, other areas, e.g., clustering, association analysis, and anomaly
detection have also continued to advance. This new edition is in response to
those advances.
Overview
As with the first edition, the second edition of the book provides a
comprehensive introduction to data mining and is designed to be accessible
and useful to students, instructors, researchers, and professionals. Areas
covered include data preprocessing, predictive modeling, association
analysis, cluster analysis, anomaly detection, and avoiding false discoveries.
The goal is to present fundamental concepts and algorithms for each topic,
thus providing the reader with the necessary background for the application
of data mining to real problems. As before, classification, association analysis
and cluster analysis, are each covered in a pair of chapters. The introductory
chapter covers basic concepts, representative algorithms, and evaluation
techniques, while the more following chapter discusses advanced concepts
and algorithms. As before, our objective is to provide the reader with a sound
understanding of the foundations of data mining, while still covering many
important advanced topics. Because of this approach, the book is useful both
as a learning tool and as a reference.
To help readers better understand the concepts that have been presented, we
provide an extensive set of examples, figures, and exercises. The solutions to
the original exercises, which are already circulating on the web, will be made
public. The exercises are mostly unchanged from the last edition, with the
exception of new exercises in the chapter on avoiding false discoveries. New
exercises for the other chapters and their solutions will be available to
instructors via the web. Bibliographic notes are included at the end of each
chapter for readers who are interested in more advanced topics, historically
important papers, and recent trends. These have also been significantly
updated. The book also contains a comprehensive subject and author index.
The last chapter, which discusses how to avoid false discoveries and produce
valid results, is completely new, and is novel among other contemporary
textbooks on data mining. It supplements the discussions in the other chapters
with a discussion of the statistical concepts (statistical significance, p-values,
false discovery rate, permutation testing, etc.) relevant to avoiding spurious
results, and then illustrates these concepts in the context of data mining
techniques. This chapter addresses the increasing concern over the validity
and reproducibility of results obtained from data analysis. The addition of
this last chapter is a recognition of the importance of this topic and an
acknowledgment that a deeper understanding of this area is needed for those
analyzing data.
The data exploration chapter has been deleted, as have the appendices, from
the print edition of the book, but will remain available on the web. A new
appendix provides a brief discussion of scalability in the context of big data.
To the Instructor
As a textbook, this book is suitable for a wide range of students at the
advanced undergraduate or graduate level. Since students come to this subject
with diverse backgrounds that may not include extensive knowledge of
statistics or databases, our book requires minimal prerequisites. No database
knowledge is needed, and we assume only a modest background in statistics
or mathematics, although such a background will make for easier going in
some sections. As before, the book, and more specifically, the chapters
covering major data mining topics, are designed to be as self-contained as
possible. Thus, the order in which topics can be covered is quite flexible. The
core material is covered in chapters 2 (data), 3 (classification), 5 (association
analysis), 7 (clustering), and 9 (anomaly detection). We recommend at least a
cursory coverage of Chapter 10 (Avoiding False Discoveries) to instill in
students some caution when interpreting the results of their data analysis.
Although the introductory data chapter (2) should be covered first, the basic
classification (3), association analysis (5), and clustering chapters (7), can be
covered in any order. Because of the relationship of anomaly detection (9) to
classification (3) and clustering (7), these chapters should precede Chapter 9.
Various topics can be selected from the advanced classification, association
analysis, and clustering chapters (4, 6, and 8, respectively) to fit the schedule
and interests of the instructor and students. We also advise that the lectures
be augmented by projects or practical exercises in data mining. Although
they are time consuming, such hands-on assignments greatly enhance the
value of the course.
Support Materials
Support materials available to all readers of this book are available at
http://www-users.cs.umn.edu/~kumar/dmbook.
Online tutorials that give step-by-step examples for selected data mining
techniques described in the book using actual data sets and data analysis
software
Acknowledgments
Many people contributed to the first and second editions of the book. We
begin by acknowledging our families to whom this book is dedicated.
Without their patience and support, this project would have been impossible.
We would like to thank the current and former students of our data mining
groups at the University of Minnesota and Michigan State for their
contributions. Eui-Hong (Sam) Han and Mahesh Joshi helped with the initial
data mining classes. Some of the exercises and presentation slides that they
created can be found in the book and its accompanying slides. Students in our
data mining groups who provided comments on drafts of the book or who
contributed in other ways include Shyam Boriah, Haibin Cheng, Varun
Chandola, Eric Eilertson, Levent Ertöz, Jing Gao, Rohit Gupta, Sridhar Iyer,
Jung-Eun Lee, Benjamin Mayer, Aysel Ozgur, Uygar Oztekin, Gaurav
Pandey, Kashif Riaz, Jerry Scripps, Gyorgy Simon, Hui Xiong, Jieping Ye,
and Pusheng Zhang. We would also like to thank the students of our data
mining classes at the University of Minnesota and Michigan State University
who worked with early drafts of the book and provided invaluable feedback.
We specifically note the helpful suggestions of Bernardo Craemer, Arifin
Ruslim, Jamshid Vayghan, and Yu Wei.
Ronald Kostoff (ONR) read an early version of the clustering chapter and
offered numerous suggestions. George Karypis provided invaluable LATEX
assistance in creating an author index. Irene Moulitsas also provided
assistance with LATEX and reviewed some of the appendices. Musetta
Steinbach was very helpful in finding errors in the figures.
Over the years since the first edition, we have also received numerous
comments from readers and students who have pointed out typos and various
other issues. We are unable to mention these individuals by name, but their
input is much appreciated and has been taken into account for the second
edition.
Contents
1. Preface to the Second Edition v
1. 1 Introduction 1
1. 1.7 Exercises 21
2. 2 Data 23
1. 2.3.1 Aggregation 51
2. 2.3.2 Sampling 52
1. 2.4.1 Basics 72
“T
ake this to Sir Thomas Crawley, and tell him I am waiting.”
The servant to whom the above direction was given,
carried the card to which it referred to his master, who,
lifting it from the silver waiter on which it was presented, read the
following name—“The Rev. Ernest Carrington.”
“Show the gentleman into the library, and bring candles there
directly,” said Sir Thomas; then, thrusting his fingers through the
short, stiff, grey bristles, suggestive of a venerable and well-worn
scrubbing-brush, which constituted his head of hair—an action
which, to any one acquainted with his habits, would have proved
that he was anxious and excited—he turned, and left the apartment.
When he entered the library, his excitement seemed to have
increased and taken a crabbed turn, for it was in no very cordial
tone of voice that he addressed his visitor.
“If, as I presume, you have come here in consequence of my
letter, I must say you have chosen a somewhat late hour for a
business visit, young gentleman.”
“I lost no time, sir, in making the necessary inquiries,” was the
reply. “Immediately on receiving your letter I hastened to London,
saw your solicitor, perused my grandfather’s will, obtained the
information I required, and came down by the first train that
stopped at the Flatville station; and, as your man of business
informed me time was of importance, I would not wait till to-
morrow, lest the delay might cause you inconvenience. If that is not
sufficient apology for my untimely visit, I have none other to offer.”
The calm, respectful, but at the same time perfectly self-
possessed manner of the speaker, appeared to have the same land
of effect upon his auditor that the keeper’s eye has upon some
savage animal, for he replied, in a more civil tone than he had yet
used,—
“Yes, well—I see—yes. I am obliged to you for the prompt
attention you have paid to my letter.” He paused, then added, with
affected indifference,—“About the entail; you find, of course, that
the point raised was a wholly unnecessary one, and that your
signature is a mere matter of form, to satisfy the absurd scruples of
the party negotiating for the purchase; some people are so
ridiculously cautious, ha! ha!” and here he laughed a forced, uneasy
laugh.
“Such was by no means the view the solicitor whom I consulted in
town appeared to take of the matter,” was Ernest’s quiet reply. “So
far from it, that he declared, without my signature, the title was
worthless; and that, if I were inclined to litigate the question, he had
not a doubt that I should gain my cause. The estates, he said, were
clearly entailed; and, therefore, my grandfather could not alienate
them without my father’s consent, which, I need scarcely tell you, he
never attempted to obtain.”
Sir Thomas Crawley’s brow grew black as midnight.
“Preposterous,” he said, “quite childish and preposterous. I have
taken counsel’s opinion on the point, and they say you haven’t a leg
to stand on. You must have consulted some very ignorant person.”
“On the contrary, it is Mr. S., of ———— Street,” replied Ernest,
naming a gentleman whose reputation for legal knowledge and
acumen was undeniable; “but,” he continued, “it matters little, for I
have no intention of raising the question. The animus of my
grandfather’s will is unmistakable; he meant to leave every acre
away from my father; and I should scorn to hold the estate on no
better tenure than the juggling of a legal-quibble.”
“Then you are prepared to sign the paper resigning all claim upon
the entailed estates, are you?” inquired Sir Thomas, eagerly.
“Yes, this very moment, if you choose,” was the ready answer.
Sir Thomas paused an instant in thought ere he replied.
“There is no such extreme hurry: Mr. Selby, my country agent, will
be here to-morrow morning, and can witness your signature. I am
glad to find that you take such a sensible view of the matter. I
feared you might have formed some rash hopes on the strength of
my application; in fact, I was most unwilling to apply to you; but—
but—”
“You found it impossible to make out a title which could sell the
estate without so doing,” interposed Ernest in a tone of quiet
politeness, in which it would have required perceptions quicker and
more delicate than those of Sir Thomas Crawley to have
distinguished the covert satire that lurked beneath it.
“Exactly: one of those contemptible legal quibbles which you so
justly reprobate,” returned Sir Thomas; “however, I am glad to
perceive you feel with me so completely. You will dine with me? and
I have a bed very much at your service.”
Ernest thanked him, but civilly declined. Sir Thomas however,
persisted—he would take no denial; and at length a compromise was
effected, Ernest consenting to dine with his rich relative, on
condition that he might return to the inn where he had left his
valise, in time to write one or two letters of importance to go by the
early post the next morning.
The dinner passed off agreeably enough; Ernest being one of
those happily endowed individuals who, without falsifying their own
opinions, or seeming the thing they are not, yet possess the talent
of adapting their conversation to those with whom they are thrown
in company, in such a manner as to set them at ease, and draw out
the best points of their characters.
Sir Thomas experienced the full influence of this fascination, and
talked largely of his schemes for the amelioration of his tenantry; of
plans for the revision and modification of the poor-laws; of the
advisability of erecting model lodging-houses for the industrial
classes, &c., &c., until he had deceived his companion, and almost
persuaded himself into the belief that he was an enlightened
philanthropist, overflowing with the milk of human kindness.
On his return to the inn at Ashburn, Ernest wrote the following
letter to an old college friend, who was junior partner in the office of
the legal luminary to whom he had alluded in his interview with Sir
Thomas Crawley.
“My dear Milford,—Since I saw you two days ago, I have got
through a considerable amount of business, met with an adventure,
and, in short, condensed more active existence into the last eight-
and-forty hours than one often accomplishes in as many days. One
thing I am delighted to tell you,—I have succeeded in procuring
employment, which will more than provide for the few requirements
without which one must degrade from the rank of a gentleman. You
can now, therefore, carry out the arrangement I explained to you,
and settle the small residue of my poor father’s property upon my
sisters;—my mother, as you are aware, having (I own, against my
wishes) married again. Thanks to those unnaturally amiable railroad
shares which my father bought just before his decease, and which
have turned out a really good investment (I look upon any one who,
having gambled in railroads, leaves off a winner, as I should at a rat,
who, nibbling at a baited trap, carried off the cheese scatheless),
they will thus be able to live in comparative comfort, especially on
the Continent, which their tastes lead them to prefer. The
employment I have obtained is not exactly to my liking, but I shall
look out for a curacy if I find the duties of my position unbearably
irksome. Owing to my wrangler’s degree I distanced some half-
dozen competitors, and obtained the post of classical and
mathematical master at Doctor Donkiestir’s well-known school,
almost as soon as I had entered my name as candidate. I begin my
new duties the day after to-morrow, at which time the school meets.
“Having been thus enabled to place my sisters beyond the reach
of poverty, my last scruple, in regard to that which you are pleased
to call my absurd Quixotism, about the entailed estates, has
vanished; and I, this evening, signified in proprid persona to Sir
Thomas, my willingness to ‘do a little bit of Esau,’ as you irreverently
term signing away my birthright—and here, par parenthèse, let me
observe that you are too much addicted to this style of scriptural
jesting—a fault the more to be reprehended because (as I find to my
cost) it is decidedly infectious: verbum sat! The aforesaid ‘Sir
Thomas’ seems, as far as one can judge on so short an
acquaintance, by no means so black as he is painted; indeed, upon
many of the great social questions of the day, his ideas coincide
wonderfully with my own: he was polite in the extreme, though I
must confess his amiability followed my declaration that I was willing
to meet his wishes in regard to the entail.
“This epistle has run to such an unexpected length, that I have no
room to detail my adventure, and will merely stimulate your curiosity
by adding that it was intensely romantic, and that it contained the
elements of the two things which, in the old Trinity days, we
esteemed the greatest pleasures in life—viz., a fight and a flirtation.
“In consideration of my cloth, I indulged, in the first sparingly, and
abstained from the last entirely; though, as far as the twilight
enabled me to judge, the provocation was a very fair one. I know
the epithet this confession will obtain for me; but I had rather bear
the ignominy of being considered a ‘muff,’ than merit the designation
of a ‘fast parson;’ and so fare thee well.
“Yours ever,
“Ernest Carrington.”
“P.S.—Remember, my sisters are not to know that I am sacrificing
anything to add to their income; you are merely to inform them that,
my father’s affairs being at length arranged, they will for the future
be in the receipt of six hundred and fifty pounds per annum, instead
of the four hundred which you before paid to them; and the
delightful mist through which all women regard business matters,
will effectually prevent their making any further discoveries.”
Having sealed his letter, Ernest betook himself to bed, and fell
asleep as contentedly as if he had not sacrificed an estate worth
£10,000 to a chivalrous scruple, and a patrimony of £200 a-year to
brotherly affection.
Sir Thomas Crawley might consider him a weak-minded, good-
natured fool; Milford designate him a “muff.” But if there were a few
mere such muffs and fools in this realm of good King Mammon, that
same kingdom might be better worth living in.
By ten o’clock the next morning he was again at Ashburn Priory;
signed the deed relinquishing all claim upon the entailed estates;
shook hands cordially with the rich man who was thus scheming to
defraud him; and started with a light heart, and still lighter purse, to
carry his own carpet-bag seven miles to the railroad. About a mile
from the station, a pony-chaise overtook him, driven by a stout
serving-lad, and containing two gentlemanly-looking boys, dressed in
mourning, and a ponderous trunk, carefully corded and directed. As
this vehicle approached, Ernest, who had walked fast, paused to
wipe his brow, at the same time resting his carpet-bag—which he
had carried on a stick over his shoulder—upon the top of the last
milestone.
The elder of the two boys regarded him attentively; then
whispered something to the younger, who nodded and smiled in
reply; making a sign to the driver to stop, the elder boy, addressing
Ernest, began—
“I beg your pardon, sir, but you seem tired: we are going to the
Flatville station, and have a vacant seat at your service, if you please
to accept it.”
“I will with the greatest pleasure,” returned Ernest, “if you are
sure we shall not overweight the pony.”
“Oh, you needn’t be afraid—you need not be in the least afraid of
that, sir,” interposed the younger boy confidently. “Samson can draw
us; Samson is as strong as——”
“His Israelitish namesake, perhaps,” suggested Ernest, placing his
carpet-bag on the top of the trunk, and springing lightly into the
pony-chaise.
“Well, I was going to say, as strong as the Elephant and Castle,”
remarked the younger boy, with a look of profound sagacity; “but,
perhaps, the original Samson will do as well. What do you say,
Percy?”
“I say that you are an absurd little chatterbox, Hugh, and I have
little doubt the gentleman thinks so too,” returned his brother,—for
the reader need scarcely read the direction on the trunk, albeit
written in Percy’s plainest hand, to inform him that the boys were
the two young Colvilles, then leaving home for the first time in their
lives.
The parting had been a trying scene for all the persons
concerned; and poor Hugh had only just recovered from the hearty
cry, in which even his incipient manly dignity could not preserve him
from indulging, when they overtook Ernest.
“A chatterbox, perhaps, but not an absurd one,” was the good-
natured reply. “I feel particularly interested about the pony, I can
assure you; have you had him long? I daresay he is a-great
favourite.”
This speech, which was addressed to. Hugh, was too much for the
poor little fellow’s fortitude, and, after a vain struggle to repress
them, his scarcely dried tears sprang forth anew.
Percy threw his arm around him, and drew him affectionately to
his side, as he said, in an explanatory whisper, “He is going to school
for the first time, sir; and before he comes back, the pony we are so
fond of must be sold.”
“And you?” inquired Ernest, interested by the boy’s manner and
appearance.
“I am older, and therefore better able to bear such little trials,”
was the reply. “Besides,” Percy continued, in a lower tone, “my
mother depends upon me to take care of him, and keep up his
spirits, for he has no father now to protect him.” Ernest glanced
involuntarily at their deep mourning, and there was a pause; for the
circumstance brought vividly before his recollection a similar period
of sorrow, when death had been busy among his own loved ones,
and his father and a younger brother, of whom Percy strongly
reminded him, had been called from this world of care, and sin, and
sorrow, to that better land, “where the wicked cease from troubling,
and the weary are at rest.” The silence was at length broken by
Hugh, whose grief was a very April kind of affair, even at the worst
of times.
“I suppose you are not going to school, sir, too?” he said,
addressing Ernest, while a merry sparkle in his eye belied the
{implicit}’ the question indicated.
“Perhaps I may be,” returned Ernest, smiling at the applicability of
the question to his own situation. “If I should tell you that I were
going to do so, would you believe me?”
“I don’t think I should,” replied Hugh, regarding him attentively.
“People don’t usually go to school when they’ve these things on their
faces;” and, as he spoke, he, with a gesture half coaxing, half arch,
gave a gentle twitch to Ernest’s curling whiskers.
Percy, afraid Hugh’s sudden rush into intimacy might annoy the
stranger, attempted to restrain him, but Ernest, with a good-natured
smile, prevented him.
“Do not check him,” he said; “our friendship will not end any
sooner because it has begun rather rapidly.” He then, entered into
conversation with the boys, choosing subjects in which he imagined
they would feel interest, and enlarging upon them so cleverly and
amusingly, that ere they reached the station, he had completely
captivated the fresh, warm hearts of his young-companions.
“What will you say if I guess where you are going to?” he inquired
of Hugh, as they drove up to the station.
“Why, if you guess right, I shall say you must be a conjuror,” was
the reply.
“I think you are going to Doctor Donkiestir’s school, at Tickletown.
Am I right?”
“Quite, quite right,” exclaimed Hugh, clapping his hands in
delighted surprise; “but you must be a conjuror; how did you
contrive to find it out?”
Ernest enjoyed the mystification for a minute or so; then, casting
his eyes on the box, observed quietly, “I was taught to read when I
was a good little boy; and your brother has written that direction so
plainly, that I must have been blind if I had not been able to
decipher it.”
“Oh, you cheat! anybody could have done that,” returned Hugh,
contemptuously; “and I to think you a conjuror: Why, I expected to
see you take twenty eggs out of an empty bag, and make a boiled
plum-pudding in your hat, like the man we-saw perform last year. I
say, Percy, it strikes me I’ve been making a goose of myself.”
“Very decidedly,” was Percy’s quiet reply.
CHAPTER V.—A FAST SPECIMEN OF
“YOUNG ENGLAND.”
T
he railroad station at Flatville was a large and central one, two
or three branches converging at that point and joining the
main line. A train from London was due before that by which
the Colvilles were to proceed would start. Almost at the moment our
little party arrived it made its appearance, the engine snorting and
puffing, as though it were about to burst with spite at having been
forced to draw so heavy a train at the rate of fifty miles-an hour.
“This is the train by which our cousin, Wilfred Goldsmith, was to
arrive; but it is so long since I last saw him, that I scarcely expect to
recognise him,” observed Percy.
“Oh! I hope we shall not miss him, for he will take care that they
don’t put us into a wrong carriage, and carry us off to some desolate
island, where we shall never be heard of any more till we have been
eaten by the savages like Captain Cook; and then you know it will be
too late,” suggested Hugh.
“I will ensure you against that catastrophe,” observed Ernest,
“even if your cousin should not make his appearance; for I am going
as far as Tickletown, and we will travel in the came carriage; see,
they are bringing them up now—follow me.”
So saying, and having committed the important trunk to the care
of an amiable and intelligent porter, Ernest selected a carriage, and
the trio took their seats. Just before the train was about to start, an
individual bustled up, followed by a porter carrying a writing-desk
and a railway-rug glowing with all the colours of the rainbow. The
moment the door was opened, he sprang in with such energy as
nearly to overturn poor Hugh.
“Beg your pardon, little boy, but ’pon my word I didn’t see you—
you ought to grow a couple of sizes larger to travel safe by rail; it
was nearly a case of infanticide—a spoilt child, as somebody calls it.
That’ll do, Velveteens” (this was addressed to the porter); “gently
with that writing-desk, if you please; there’s all my personal
jewellery, and several £500 notes in it. That’s the time of day! Sorry
the directors set their faces against tipping; but the first occasion on
which we meet in private life, half-a-crown awaits you; till then,
Velveteens, as the Archbishop says in the play, ‘Accept my blessing.’”
The speaker was either a very small man, or a large boy dressed
in adult clothing—at first sight it was not easy to determine which—
till closer observation detected, in the breaking-voice, now hoarse,
now shrill, the youthful complexion, and straggling, unformed figure,
sufficient evidence that the latter hypothesis was the correct one.
His outer boy was encased in a rough, very loose pea-jacket, with
preternatural buttons, a. pair of the very “loudest” checked trousers,
real Wellington boots, with heels not above three inches high, a
shawl round his neck, in regard to which Emily’s perfidious shopman
might have been believed, had he declared the colours to be
indisputably fast; while a velvet travelling-cap, with a bullion tassel,
completed his costume. Having wrapped his rug round his lower
limbs, and gone through a most elaborate pantomime of making
himself comfortable, he condescended to favour his companions with
a glance of patronising scrutiny; apparently satisfying himself, by this
means, that they were sufficiently respectable to be honoured by his
conversation, he turned to Ernest, saying,—
“Fine open weather this, sir—jolly for the hunting—none-of your
confounded frosts to-day—regular break up yesterday evening, and
been thawing like bricks ever since—fond of hunting, sir?”
“I consider it a fine, manly sport, but too dangerous for little boys
to be allowed to indulge in,” returned Ernest, drily.
Either not detecting, or more probably purposely ignoring, the
covert satire of his speech, the fast young gentleman appeared to
agree in the sentiment. .
“Yes, that’s true enough,” he said; “for instance, I wouldn’t advise
this small shaver” (indicating with a motion of the eyelid Hugh, who
sat watching him with breathless astonishment) “to trust himself
across country outside a horse; but when one has come to—ahem!
years of discretion, and learned how to take care of oneself,—the
purpose for which divines tell us we are sent into the world,—why
the more hunting one gets the jollier, I say.”
“Have you ever been out hunting yourself, may I ask?” inquired
Ernest, fixing his penetrating glance full on the boy’s countenance;
who, despite his fastness, was not, when asked a straightforward
question, prepared to tell an actual lie, though to adhere to the
exact truth would have made his previous remarks appear singularly
inconsistent and uncalled for; accordingly he answered—
“Ar—well—yes—oh! of course I’ve been out hunting—ah—not
exactly on horseback, perhaps, but it’s just the same thing, you
know;—what a shocking slow train this is, to be sure!——they hardly
do their five-and-thirty miles an hour; I shall certainly write to the
Times about it, if they don’t mind what they’re at.”
During this speech Hugh’s sharp eyes had deciphered the direction
on the important writing-desk, containing the jewellery and the
incalculable number of £500 notes, and he promulgated the result of
his discovery thus:—
“‘Wilfred J. Goldsmith, Esquire:’ what! are you our cousin Wilfred?
why I took you for a gentleman!”
“Oh, Hugh!” exclaimed Percy, scandalised at his brother’s
rudeness.
“No, I don’t mean that,” continued Hugh quickly, while-Ernest
turned away his head to hide an irrepressible smile; “I mean, I took
you for a grown up gentleman, and not a boy like Percy, you know.”
This involuntary tribute to the man-about-town-like adultness-of
his manners and appearance delighted Wilfred Jacob more than the
most elaborate compliment courtier could have devised; at length he
had found some one to believe in him, and to take him at his own
valuation, and he adopted and steadily patronised Hugh from that
time forth. He was much too wide awake, however, to allow this to
appear; replying in the off-hand; manner which he affected—
“Rather an equivocal compliment that, young’un; but I expect it
was better meant than expressed: so I’ll take the will for the deed,
as the lawyer’s clerk did after he’d mixed the ‘dog’s-nose’ rather too
still at his early dinner. ‘Always give credit for good intentions,’ is a
copy old Splitnib (so called from an analogy between his professional
avocations, and the fact of his having, in by-gone hours, fallen over
a form, and divided the bridge of his own proboscis) will set you
writing before you are many days older; and in me you behold a
living embodiment of the precept.”
“How was it we did not see you at the station, Cousin: Wilfred?”
inquired Percy; “we waited as long as we dared, till we thought we
should lose the train looking for you.”
“Why, you see, my dear boy,” began Wilfred, stretching out a boot
beyond the rainbow-coloured wrapper, for the purpose of tapping it
admiringly with a dandyfied little cane, “leaving the modern Babylon
by the seven o’clock a.m., I necessarily breakfasted early; and as,
according to Cocker, the interval between six a.m. and one p.m.
embraces seven hours, I experienced, on my arrival at the Flatville
station, the very uncomfortable sensation of nature abhorring a
vacuum in my breadbasket; and, as even Curtius himself could
scarcely have contrived to fill up a similar gulf by jumping down his
own throat, I walked first into the refreshment-room, and then into a
basin of mock-turtle soup. A deucedly pretty gal it was who handed
it to me, too; uncommon attentive she was, to be sure: in fact, entre
nous,” he continued, leaning confidently towards Ernest, “it strikes
me she wasn’t altogether insensible to the personal attractions of
‘yours truly’—do you twig?” Ernest smiled as he replied, “Of course
she charged for the admiration as well as for your luncheon.”
“Real turtle as well as mock, eh? I hope you don’t mean any
insinuation about a calf’s head too I But, now you mention it, I do
think seven-and-sixpence was rather high for a basin of soup. Ah!
the women, they make sad fools of us youth; but as the old lady
piously remarked, when her pet dog died of repletion, ‘Such is life,
which is the end of all things:’—heigh-ho!”
Having relieved his feelings by venting a deep sigh, Master (he
would have annihilated us for so calling him) Wilfred Jacob, who
appeared gifted with an interminable flow of conversation, and an
insatiable delight in listening to his own voice, again addressed his
companions, exclaiming—
“I tell you what it is, gentlemen: the cares of existence, and the
heartlessness of that deluding mock-turtle soup gal, ar weighing
upon my spirits to such a degree, that nothing short of a mild cigar
can bring me round again: that is, always supposing you, none of
you, entertain a rooted aversion (you perceive the pun?) to the
leaves of the Indian herb.”
“I presume you are aware that smoking in a first-class carriage is
against the rules of the railway company,” suggested Ernest.
“I know that some such prejudice exists in their feeble minds,”
was the rejoinder; “but they are not obliged to learn anything about
it, are they? ‘Where ignorance is bliss,’ you know.”
“The first porter who opens the door is certain to perceive the
smell; and of course, if he inquires whence it proceeds, I shall not
attempt to disguise the truth,” returned Ernest.
“Never fear,” was the reply; “even if such an alarming contingency
were to accrue, I know a safe dodge to throw him off the scent.”
“If I possessed any authority over you, I should strongly
remonstrate against your violating such a wise and useful
regulation,” observed Ernest, gravely.
“That fearful moral responsibility not resting upon your conscience
—for which, as a philanthropist, I feel humbly thankful—I shall, with
your leave, waste no more precious time, but go ahead at once.” So
saying the young pickle drew from his pocket a small neatly finished
leather ease, well filled with cigars; having politely offered it in turn
to each of his companions, who were unanimous in their refusal, he
selected a cigar, lighted it by means of a piece of German tinder,
and, placing it in his mouth, began puffing away with equal zest and
science.
Having set it going to his satisfaction, he removed it for a
moment, and, emitting a graceful wreath of smoke, resumed
—“Capital good cigars these—came from Fribourg and Pontet’s—I
never smoke any others—better change your mind and take one, Mr.
———, ‘pon my word your name has escaped me.”
“Are you quite certain you ever knew it?” inquired Ernest, whilst a
smile of quiet intelligence curled his handsome mouth.
In no degree disconcerted, Master Wilfred took another long pull
at his cigar ere he replied, “Not to be done, eh, sir? Well, I respect a
man all the more for being unpumpable; dodginess, in all its
branches, is the virtue I most venerate.”
“And what is dodginess, please, Cousin Wilfred?” inquired Hugh,
upon whose youthful intelligence slang was, for the first time,
dawning with all its fascinating eloquence.
“Dodginess, my verdant young relative, is a psychological attribute
compounded of equal portions of presence of mind and fertility of
resource, which enables every ‘cove’ (cove is a generic appellation
for indiscriminate male humanity) thus happily endowed, to rise
superior to all the minor obstacles of existence; as, for example,
when I, trying to pump the gentleman opposite in regard to his
patronymic, was by him foiled in my attempt, and convicted of the
logical absurdity of having declared myself to have forgotten that
which I had never known; or, again,—when, this morning, my
governor, your venerable uncle, who, benighted innocent that he is,
hopes to coerce me into giving up smoking, took from me my cigar-
case, but allowed me to regain it by picking his pocket thereof, while
squabbling with the cabman for an extra sixpence;—mind you
recollect all this; for, in these days slag is completely the language of
fashionable life. Were I that epitome of slowness, ‘the father of a
family,’ I should have the young idea taught to clothe itself in slang
from the cradle upwards. And now, as I’ve a notion the train is
approaching a station, and my cigar has arrived at its terminus, you
shall witness a specimen of dodginess with your own eyes;—be
silent, and observe me attentively—ahem!”
He then flung the end of his cigar out of window, and, assuming
an air of great consequence, waited till the train stopped; the
moment he did so, he summoned a porter.
“Porter, open the door!” The man obeyed. “Put your head in and
tell me what this carriage smells of.”
The porter, looking surprised at the request, complied—“It smells
tobaccer-efied like to me,” he observed, after a minute’s
investigation.
“Tobaccer-efied, indeed!” repeated Wilfred Jacob, in a tone of the
deepest indignation; “some brute has been smoking in this carriage,
I’m certain of it! a first-class carriage, too. I tell you what, porter,
when gentlemen pay for the comfort and convenience of a first-class
carriage, they expect to enjoy what they pay for, and not to be
poisoned alive with the odour of tobacco.”
“Smoking ain’t never allowed in the fust class, sir,” pleaded the
embarrassed porter.
“It may not be allowed, but it has been done,” was the captious
reply: “I’ll take my oath some one has been smoking in this carriage;
I’m as certain of it as if I’d seen them myself; my nose never
deceives me;—what’s your name?”
“My name be Johnson; but I’ll call the station-master to speak to
you, sir.”
“By no means; it’s no fault of his,” replied Wilfred, hastily, feeling
anything but desirous that a more enlightened intellect should be
brought to bear upon the question: “no, I shall write to the directors,
to complain, and call you to witness that I mentioned the fact at the
first station we stopped at. It’s absurd to pretend to make rules, and
then suffer them to be broken in this way. Shut the door. I shall
remember your name—Johnson!” and as he uttered the last word,
the train started.
His companions exchanged glances: Percy’s expressed
disapproval; Hugh’s, mingled surprise and delight; while Ernest was
so much amused at the boy’s ready wit and cool impudence, that,
for the life of him, he could not reprove him for the deception.
When the recollection of this little incident had, in some degree,
worn off, Percy asked his cousin how he liked Doctor Donkiestir’s
school; and begged him to tell them a little about the manners and
customs of the place to which they were going.
“Put you up to a thing or two, eh? Give you some small insight
into the time of day? Well, I suppose, as it’s all in the family, and
you’re Tickletonians yourselves, or about to become so, it’s no
breach of confidence. You won’t split, sir?” he continued,
appealingly, to Ernest. “Honour amongst thieves, eh?”
“You may trust me,” was the concise reply.
“First promise me, upon your honour, that you will not tell any of
the masters, then,” stipulated Wilfred.
“Upon my honour I will not tell any of them,” was the slightly
Jesuitical reply; “nor will I make an unfair use of any information you
may please to communicate to my young friend.”
“That’s all right, then. You look like a brick (I’m a bit of a
physiognomist, you see), so I’ll trust you. In the first place, masters:
there’s the Doctor, alias old Donkey, alias (his name is John) Jackass,
with sundry other derivatives, more caustic than complimentary.
Well, he’s not altogether a bad sort of fellow, only he makes a fuss
about trifles, and is especially jealous if he fancies that any one
appears likely to interfere with what he calls his prerogative; in fact,
he would be a stunner if his temper did not stand in his way: but, on
the whole the boys like him, and so look over his little failings. Then,
there’s a sort of second master, ‘Mat. and Clat.’ we call him, which is
short for mathematical and classical; but we are changing horses in
that quarter, so, till we have tried the new animal (pretty well tried
he will be, too, before we’ve done with him, I expect), it’s impossible
to say how he may suit us; only, if he ain’t a tolerably wide-awake
cove, I pity him; for, between master and boys, he’ll have a sweet
time of it, poor devil! Then there are two ushers—Hexameter and
Pentameter (familiarly Hex. and Pen.) so termed because one is six
feet high and the other scarcely above five: they are not gentlemen,
therefore they don’t act as sich, so of course we ‘chouse’ and bully
them as much as we dare. Then there’s old Splitnib, a coach of the
most unmitigated slowness, but who writes a wonderful hand; and,
finally and lastly, Monsieur Beaugentil, the French master, who is
more involuntarily comic than all the rest of his frog-devouring
nation put together. These worthies rule, and are ruled by, a floating
capital of some two hundred boys, more or less, of whom the eldest
may be about seventeen or eighteen, and the youngest on a par
with this juvenile shaver here.”
“And do you work very hard?” inquired Percy.
“Not we,” was the reply. “Of course, for decency’s sake, we do
something. It don’t pay for a fellow to be quite an ignoramus in
these days, unless he happens to have been born a lord, or
experienced some such jolly dispensation at starting; but as for hard
work,—no, thank ye. What’s the use of having a fag, if you can’t get
your exercises done for you, I should like to know?”
“What’s a fag?” inquired Hugh.
The first effect of this apparently simple question was to throw the
person to whom it was addressed into a state of the most violent
laughter. As soon as he could recover breath, he gasped out, “Oh,
lor! it’s very fatiguing; you’ll be the death of me with your blessed
innocence, that you will.”
After a less severe relapse, he continued, “You’ll soon know what
fagging means, you poor, unfortunate, green little warmint; though I
think I shall honour you by taking you myself. I’ve a right to a fag
now I’m in the fifth form; and the chap I had last half has left. You
seem a jolly, good-tempered little beggar, and I shouldn’t like to see
you made miserable.”
“He shall never be ill-used while I am alive,” exclaimed Percy, with
flashing eyes.
“That’s a very proper and plucky sentiment on your part, my dear
boy,” returned Wilfred; “but it’s a precious deal easier to talk about
than to act upon. You can’t thrash a whole school, especially when
some of them are almost men grown. Such chaps as Biggington or
Thwackings, who can polish off a coalheaver sporting style, for
instance; your namesake Hotspur himself would have found such
fellows as them tough customers. All you can do with them is to
keep ’em in good humour while you can, and get out of their way
when you can’t.”
“But all this time you have not told me what a fag is,” interrupted
Hugh.
“Well, a fag is a small boy, taken possession of by a larger boy,
according to an old established precedent, against which the
masters set their faces in vain. The small boy thus enslaved is
termed a fag, and his duties are to do everything the larger boy
finds it impossible or disagreeable to do himself. If the small boy
performs these duties zealously and good-humouredly, he is only
kicked and driven about like a dog, and survives to become a fifth,
and eventually a sixth form boy, and takes his change out of fags of
his own. If he sulks, or neglects orders, he is either half or three-
quarters murdered, according to the hands he falls into, and is
usually taken away from the school, or otherwise expended, before
he reaches hobble-de-hoy’s estate. And now, have I made that clear
to your juvenile capacity?—Yes?—Then mind you profit by it, or I
shall have to show you practically how Tickletonians tickle,” and as
he spoke, he pointed suggestively to his cane, though a good-
natured twinkle in his eye contradicted the threat.
Having thus broken ground, he favoured the company with a
series of dissolving views, illustrating various episodes of
Tickletonian life, wherein were vividly portrayed scrapes got into and
out of with much ability, and more impudence, by certain scholastic
heroes, past and present; but the gist of each anecdote lying in the
discomfiture or mystification of one or more of the masters, it is
scarcely to be supposed, giving Wilfred Jacob credit for the most
open disposition imaginable, that he would have been quite so
communicative, had he divined the capacity in which Ernest
Carrington was then journeying to Tickletown.
When they reached the station at which they were to alight, an
omnibus, provided by Doctor Donkiestir, was in waiting to convey
any of his scholars who might arrive by that train. Ernest, who was
not to present himself till the following morning, and had availed
himself of the opportunity to accept the invitation of an old college
friend, from whom he had originally heard of the vacancy, here took
leave of his young companions, saying, as he did so—
“Good-bye. As I should not much wonder if we were to meet
again sooner than you at all expect, I wish you to remember, that if
at any time you require advice or assistance you will find a friend in
Ernest Carrington.”
He then touched Wilfred’s arm, and drawing him aside, observed,
—“I have allowed you to run on in a way which I am sure you would
have endeavoured to avoid had you known who I was. I did so, not
from any mean wish to entrap you into confessions of which I might
afterwards make use to your disadvantage, but simply in order to
gain some insight into your true character; and now I will make a
compact with you: as long as you behave kindly towards your two
cousins, who interest me exceedingly, and befriend them as your
superior knowledge of the world” (the slightly ironical emphasis with
which he pronounced the last few words was not lost upon his
auditor, who, for once in his life, felt conscious that he had made-
himself ridiculous), “and especially of the little world comprised in a
boys’ school, will enable you to do, I shall forget anything peculiar I
may have heard this morning. I will only add, that I have misjudged
your character if you consider the condition I have proposed a hard
one.”
“Before I attempt to make a suitable reply to your mysterious and
startling communication, allow me, sir, to inquire, in the most
respectful manner possible, first, who you are? secondly, what you
are?” returned Wilfred-Jacob, in a quieter tone than he had yet
made use of.
“The Rev. Ernest Carrington, classical and mathematical master
(or, familiarly, Clat. and Mat.) in Dr. Donkiestir’s school at Tickletown,
at your service,” was the reply.
The first effect of this announcement was to elicit from the “fast
young gentleman” a prolonged and expressive whistle; next came an
aside, “Well, if I haven’t gone and put my foot into it deepish rather,
it’s a pity.” Then, turning to Ernest, he asked, abruptly,—“’Pon your
honour as a gentleman, Mr. Carrington, if I stick to the young
Colvilles like a trump, you won’t peach?”
“Upon my honour,” was the frank reply.
“It’s a bargain, then,” rejoined Wilfred. “And now, sir, before we
sink the amenities of social life in the less jovial relationship of
master and pupil, allow me the honour of shaking hands with you,
while at the same time you must permit me to express my opinion,
that your conduct has been brickish in the extreme.”
With a smile called forth by the peculiar school-boy phraseology,
and strange admixture of good feeling and never-failing impudence,
of his new ally, Ernest shook hands with him good-naturedly, and
turned to depart; but Wilfred Jacob detained him.
“One slight additional favour would oblige,” he said. “A discreet
silence in regard to the cigar episode would be a desirable addenda
to our compact. Our friend Donkiestir has prejudices—verbum sat—a
nod is as good as a wink. Farewell we meet again at Philippi.’”
So saying, he bowed low, removing a very shining new hat,
wherewith he had replaced the gorgeous travelling cap, and hurried
after his cousins, who were by this time seated in, and sole tenants
of, the omnibus, where they presented, so to speak, a very forlorn
and cast-away appearance.