THE MARRIAGE

MANUAL

Helping couples increase self-awareness and self-

acceptance, strengthen coping skills, face problems with a
positive attitude, and reach their full potential.

BY
LEE COBLEIGH
 THE MARRIAGE
MANUAL

A JOURNEY OF
PERSONAL DISCOVERY

BY
LEE COBLEIGH

Marriage is the foundation of the family, and the family is the foundation
of society. If we strengthen marriage, we strengthen the family, we
strengthen our children, and we strengthen the community. If your goal
is to help improve the world, marriage is a good place to start.

DISCLAMER
The information and other material (‘Content”) and services obtained are
for informational purposes only and are not intended to be, or serve as a
substitute for, professional advice, analysis or conclusions. We consider this
program to be an experience in which the client/s uses the results as a sort
of mirror to look at their lives and use their own insight and experiences to
see things for themselves, and to make their choices, based on their own
experience, not on the results of any tests or advice that we say. This
information is provided “as is” and without any representations or
warranties of any kind.

FOR MORE INFORMATION CONTACT:

[email protected] ▪ www.ifaith.com

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 THE MARRIAGE MANUAL

The Marriage Manual is designed to provide a

personal perspective to couples or individuals
considering marriage.

The Marriage Manual will encourage and help couples to build a

better understanding and foundation for their married life.The
decision to marry and to maintain a loving relationship require
understanding the dynamics of marriage and how your choices
will affect your marriage.

The Marriage Manual is based upon the reality that it's

important to strengthen your relationship and to prepare
constructively for future challenges and conflicts which every
couple will inevitably face at some point in their marriage.

The Marriage Manual provides couples with the necessary time

to learn, discover, and discuss specific matters. The earlier a
couple begins spending time and energy on their relationship, the
better their chances are of having a happy, fulfilling, and
successful marriage.

The Marriage Manual offers special reading and homework

activities, which are designed to encourage couples and help assist
the couple by building a better understanding and foundation for
their married life.

It is never too late to talk about your expectations of

marriage and of the understanding you have of yourself and
each other. Just a little effort can make your odds a whole lot
better for success over the long run. You want to do everything
you can to ensure that your dreams of a great marriage, and a great
life are realized.

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 THE MARRIAGE
MANUAL

PART ONE

THE
MARRIAGE
CONNECTION

HAPPINESS IN MARRIAGE IS NOT SOMETHING

THAT JUST HAPPENS. A GOOD MARRIAGE MUST BE
CREATED. IT IS NOT ONLY MARRYING THE RIGHT
PARTNER; IT IS BEING THE RIGHT PARTNER.

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MARRIAGE
Marriage results inevitably from there being two sexes of opposite
polarities, strongly attracted to one another. Marriage is the basis
of social evolution without which society cannot progress.
Marriage created the home, the crowning glory of social evolution.
The family is where the child learns most of what that individual
will ever know about life.
FINDING THE RIGHT PARTNER
WHO YOU ARE AS A SINGLE PERSON, YOU WILL BE
AS A MARRIED PERSON, ONLY TO A GREATER
DEGREE. ANY POSITIVE CHARACTER TRAIT WILL BE
INTENSIFIED IN A MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP, AS
WILL ALL THE NEGATIVE ONES.
If you are looking for your right partner, the important thing to
remember is that common underlying feelings and ideals will
always draw like-minded people together.
While searching for your life partner it is important to
recognize that the person you are with is supportive of your
efforts to grow and evolve, and is willing to support each other
in accomplishing your common goals.

The purpose of a relationship is not for two incomplete

people to become one, but rather for two complete people to
join together for the greater good.

A marriage must be a whole relationship, one that is based on the

wholeness of each person, not just on their personalities. It
must be based on mutual respect, understanding, and
acceptance of each other.

It is very romantic to say that once your special other has

entered your life you feel complete. However, the purpose of a
relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but
to have another with whom you might share your completeness.

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NEED FULFILLMENT
Some people still enter relationships for the wrong reasons, to
end loneliness, or have someone to love. This kind of mutual
meeting of needs is what the world usually calls love. In truth,
however, such a special love relationship is founded on our
perception of the other person’s capacity to give us what we
believe to be lacking in ourselves. I’ll trade you what you need,
if you’ll give me what I need.

When human love relationships fail, it is often because the

couple entered the relationship for the wrong reason. Most
people enter relationships with an eye toward what they can get
out of the relationship, rather than what they can put into it.

We become attracted to someone who seems to meet our

needs best and they in turn are attracted to us for the same
reason. Lust brings men and women together, but only parental
instinct and the social mores keep them together.

Couples now face more demands and have fewer support

systems than ever before. The typical complex marriage involves
managing two careers while rearing children, and requires that
couples have very strong, well-established abilities to
communicate, resolve issues, maintain mutuality, and set goals.

HAPPINESS IN MARRIAGE IS NOT SOMETHING THAT

JUST HAPPENS; A GOOD MARRIAGE MUST BE
CREATED. I T IS NOT ONLY MARRYING THE RIGHT
PARTNER; IT IS BEING THE RIGHT PARTNER.

In the family life that goes with marriage, one must learn to
adjust one’s own temperament to that of others, who live
intimately with you. This is growth in spirit.

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PRE- MARRIAGE PREPARATION

SELF- EVALUATION
IT IS NATURAL TO HAVE SOME ANXIETIES ABOUT
MARRIAGE. COUPLES WILL HAVE MUCH MORE
FULFILLING MARRIAGES WHEN THEY BEGIN TO
REALIZE WHAT FACTORS INFLUENCE A HAPPY
MARRIAGE. EACH FACTOR INVOLVES MANY ISSUES
THAT AFFECT THE WELL-BEING OF ANY MARRIAGE.
Pre-marriage preparation is based upon the reality that it's
important to strengthen your relationship and prepare
constructively for future challenges and conflicts that everyone
will inevitably face at some point in their marriage.
Know and understand there will be challenges and difficult times.
Cultivate the technique of seeing problems as opportunities.
Don’t try to avoid them; see them as opportunities to GROW
the relationship.
When we encounter issues that are difficult for us to deal with
prior to marriage, we have a tendency to think that love will take
care of the problems for us: it will be different after we get
married, or I can change him or her. That doesn’t usually
happen. It is better to deal with issues before you get married,
rather than after you’re married.
Problems can intrude much more easily than most couples
realize. Each factor involves many issues that affect the well-
being of any marriage. A marriage is a relationship where both
people must listen, compromise, and respect one another.
In a marriage relationship, individuals need to be aware of who
they are and the degree to which they will commit
themselves to their partner. If these factors are mutually
realized and discussed by both partners, it will help ensure the
success of soulmates becoming solemates for life.
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UNDERSTANDING WHAT IS IMPORTANT (VALUED)
IN A RELATIONSHIP
Most couples believe the purpose of relationships is to make them
happy, and the way to do that is to get others to adopt their value
systems and act accordingly.

There are two things that other people can’t and won’t live up
to: your values and your fantasies. Anytime you expect
someone to live outside of his or her own value system, you
create a false expectation.

The moment you project onto other people and expect them to
live according to your values instead of their own, you start
believing that they need to be changed, and you’re just the one
to do it.

Every individual has a set of values. We each have something

we think is most important, second most important, third
most important, and so on. The only assurance you have about
whether your expectations are reasonable is to know your values
and your mate’s values.

During the infatuation phase, you see mostly one side of the
coin, the attraction, positive traits, and potential for happily ever
after- but that’s delusional. Once you’ve lived through the
infatuation stage, and the other person doesn’t live up to the
fantasy, you can start to resent him or her.

Your values (what you feel is important) will tend to express

themselves in some or all of seven areas of life, s piritual,
mental, vocational, financial, familial, social, and physical.

What you value or what is important to you individually and

as a couple will become evident later as you answer some
basic questions.

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UNDERSTANDING YOUR RELATIONSHIP
The test of a relationship does not have to do with how well
the other person lives up to your ideals, or how you see
yourself living up to his or hers. The only true test has to do
with how well you live up to your own ideals.

There can be only one purpose for a relationship - to be and

to decide - Who You Really Are. You must first learn to
honor and cherish and love yourself. If you cannot love
yourself, you cannot love another. You must first see
yourself as worthy before you can see another as worthy.

WHEN YOU LOSE SIGHT OF EACH OTHER AS

SACRED SOULS ON A SACRED JOURNEY, THEN
YOU CANNOT SEE THE PURPOSE OR THE REASON
BEHIND YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

Two people join in a partnership hoping that the whole will

be greater than the sum of the parts, only to find that it’s
less. They’ve sometimes given up most of who they are in
order to be part of and to stay in their relationship.

TWO HEARTS - TWO SOULS - TWO LIVES - ONE LOVE

Marriage is…patience and forgiveness. It’s being open

and honest, thoughtful and kind. Marriage means
talking things out, making necessary changes, and
forgiving each other. It’s unconditional love - love that
supports, comforts, and is determined to triumph over
every challenge and adversity.

Your wedding is more than a long-awaited day; it is a

beautiful beginning of all the days of your life together. Vows
are more than solemn words; they are promises made and
kept within your hearts.

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Most couples have approached marriage as though a single
partner were responsible for fulfilling all of their emotional
and physical needs. Couples often look to each other to
fulfill all of their individual needs, which could be one of the
reasons there are so many divorces.

Traditionally, husbands are supposed to perform certain

designated acts designed to fulfill all his wife’s needs, and the
wife is supposed to fulfill the whole range, if not all, of her
husband’s needs.

Partners who project their guilt onto their partners, blame

them for not fulfilling their needs, usually ends up creating an
exclusive co-dependency. By expecting a particular person to
be responsible for one’s happiness and fulfillment, one
creates a relationship that is doomed to fail.

Our marriage partner may be our soulmate, may be the one

who nurtures us, may represent our best friend, and may be
the channel through which our intimate needs are fulfilled.
However, when the scope of a marriage is broadened, it allows
for some of the needs of each partner to be fulfilled in ways
their marriage partner cannot meet. This creates a (whole)
marriage, and not one based on one person alone.

WEDDING VOWS
I promise to protect you… care for you… comfort
you… I promise… to stand by you… when times get
tough... to have faith and strength as a couple, and to
never give up on us. I love you… I want to spend the
rest of my life with you… and be there for you.

WHEN TWO PEOPLE PROMISE FAITHFULLY, LIVE

HOPEFULLY, AND GIVE LOVINGLY, THEY SHARE
THE GREATEST JOY IN LIFE.

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To find real happiness in life, we must develop ourselves
emotionally and spiritually. We can make commitments even
though plans fall through. We can maintain our compassion
and understanding no matter how unjust the world may be
to us and not give up.

The fact that there is much in life we cannot control means

we may need a deeper spiritual understanding, a source
beyond ourselves that grants us the gift of transcending our
ordinary limits. A spiritual grace that we are not alone; we are
always accompanied by a divine presence.

Life is not perfect. You will make mistakes, but each time
you meet life’s challenges together; you will grow wiser,
stronger and surer of your love.

There are five essential qualities of genuine love. Attention,

acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing our
mate to be who they are, become difficult when we
become a Critic, Interpreter, and Advisor. Eliminating these
three behaviors with your partner makes your communication
much more loving and respectful.

In a marriage, you must understand the importance of

patience, the art of compromise, the healing power of
forgiveness. Marriage takes effort and giving with your
whole hearts. It is a rare gift to be loved for who you are.

The goal of a complete relationship is the development

of a fully integrated human being.

LOVE NEVER GIVES UP, NEVER LOSES FAITH, IS

ALWAYS HOPEFUL AND ENDURES THROUGH
EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE.

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Your love is more than a wonderful feeling; it is a bond
that deepens with time, grows stronger and surer from
this day forward. Every step along the way should lead us
to go beyond “having love” to “being Love." It is impossible
to “Love” as long as they are just words. We need to go
beyond love being just a concept. When we become so filled
with love that we can love each other and not be reactive, we
will have gone beyond loving into being LOVE.
Marriage is a partnership of two unique people who bring
out the very best in each other and who know that even
though they are wonderful as individuals…they are even better
together.
A marriage is a union in which two people learn from their
mistakes, except each other’s faults, and willingly adjust
behaviors that need to be changed. It’s caring enough about
each other to work through disappointing and hurtful times,
and believing in the love that brought you together in the
first place. A marriage is a relationship where two people
must listen, compromise, and respect one another.
Marriage is truly a journey through life, with the one you
love, as an equal partner, sharing both the commitment, and
the responsibilities, of your union together.

Marriage is the closest kind of friendship. It is between two

souls with similar designs. What greater thing is there, than
two human beings who feel that they are joined for life – to
strengthen each other every day, to be with each other in all
sorrow, and to be there for each other no matter what
happens.

The process of two becoming one requires a lot of

adjustments and a great deal of growing and maturing
on the part of both parties. Marriage can only succeed
when both parties see the very best in one another.
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FOUR ASPECTS OF LOVE
There are four different meanings of our English word for
LOVE.
Storge Love is the love of parents and siblings.
Phileo Love is the love between special friends.
AGAPE Love is the unconditional, unchanging, and
permanent love of GOD. It is a forgiving, nurturing, and
supportive way of relating to each other. It makes it possible
for two to become one, for there are no longer any barriers.
Eros Love is the love between two people who want to
spend the rest of their lives together, love between husband
and wife.

ALL FOUR ASPECTS OF LOVE MUST BE SHARED IN

A MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP.

Marriage is more than the expression of love. Marriage

is a life-time commitment. You promise to cherish your
spouse as long as you live.

Love is experienced differently by each of us, but for most of

us, five characteristics of love stand out. We feel loved when
we receive attention, acceptance, appreciation, and affection,
and when we are allowed the freedom to be who we are.

In childhood, we need these five essentials to develop self-

esteem and a healthy self-image. They are building blocks of
identity, of a coherent human personality. What we need in the
building as a self is also precisely what we need for
happiness in our adult love relationships. Intimacy, at its
best, means giving and receiving these five elements.

A marriage is remembering how lucky both of you are to

have found just the right person to love, and just the right
person to love you. And you get to spend the rest of your
life with that one special someone.
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THE FIVE STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT IN A
RELATIONSHIP

Sensuality is the physical desire that attracts us to each

other. It’s what we call chemistry.
Personality is getting to know the human side of each other,
the social makeup.
Actuality is accepting one on a human level and the reality
of things you cannot change.
Individuality is when you desire to live up to your full
potential.
Spirituality is the recognition of the soul in one another. It is
the key to a successful marriage.
SENSUALITY
Sensuality is the physical appearances and emotional arousal
that make couples first take notice to each other.

PERSONALITY
The word personality is from the Greek word “persona”
which means mask. On our personality level, we wear many
masks. We display a different face to people according to
what we think they expect us to be, or what will make a
favorable impression. We all wear a mask. It’s part of our
personality.

Most of us have developed a persona or social mask which is

often the opposite of what we feel inside. We sometimes
develop this mask to protect ourselves from the outer world.
Our social mask may help us present our best face to others,
but as part of a couple, we must uncover what is beneath the
mask. The problem is that we think our personality is our
“true self," who we are. Couples are usually on their best
behavior when they are dating. (they are actors, putting
on a persona)

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ACTUALITY
Our self-esteem determines how we see ourselves and
others. Your self-esteem reflects what you think and feel
about yourself. You acquire your self-image over time by
constantly receiving messages about yourself from the
people closest to you and from your environment. Your self-
esteem is a reflection of your image, of who you think you
are. Your family is the earliest source of information about
yourself. As a result, your subconscious mind gradually
develops a picture of yourself that you come to believe as
real.

Over time, we all discover parts of ourselves we tucked

away in childhood. Breaking the hold of the past of our lives is
an essential step in our self-discovery process. Despite their
best intentions, married couples unknowingly repeat what
their parents taught them and bring it into a marriage. When
we clear our past of outdated beliefs and unresolved issues,
we advance our personal transformation, which results in a
marriage that will endure.

The first basic step is to accept responsibility for one’s

self and to be honest with ourselves regardless of what we
uncover, and to accept responsibility for fulfilling our own
part of the marriage relationship.

When you seek to define yourself beyond the personality,

you move into a realm in which you will come to know and
understand more of whom you are and who you choose to
be.

The process of two becoming one requires a lot of

adjustments and a great deal of growing and maturing on the
part of both partners. You both must understand that as a
married couple you must become as one, accepting your
differences at the human level.
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INDIVIDUALITY
To find fulfillment, we need to live in a place of
understanding and self-acceptance. To work with the inner
world of our being, we need to recognize and confront all of
our underlying issues that may originate from our past and
early childhood. We need to focus on how we really feel
about ourselves. In the process, we may uncover many
feelings about ourselves that have been tucked away, such as a
lack of self-confidence or low self-esteem. Such negative
emotions are what we refer to as our shortcomings.

The underlying and most important questions to ask in a

marriage is: what are my core values? What are the core
values of my partner? Do we share the same core
values?

If your marriage is truly to succeed, you and your partner

will have to work from this awareness of your inner self-
identity and self-worth. The only way you can bring about
wholeness in a marriage relationship is through true self-
awareness. This process is designed to help you function
from the awareness that you are a part of something, and the
two of you are greater together.

The strongest desire of any human being is to fulfill his or

her full potential. Our life perspective is our fundamental
attitude toward life itself. It is the motivating force that
determines how a person perceives his or her relationship to
self and to others. It embraces certain values, ideals, and
aspects of life. It, thus, directs our behavior.

Individualization is a process whereby the innate elements

of personality, the different experiences of a person’s life
and the different aspects and components of the immature
psyche become integrated over time into a well-functioning
whole being.
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THE IMPORTANCE OF UNDERSTANDING
PERSONALITY TRAITS
When you better understand yourself and your mate’s
personality traits, you will be better able to understand how
to deal with communication and conflict, become a whole
and integrated partner, and no longer a house divided.

Objective / Subjective
The conflict between the two approaches has mistakenly
continued to be dealt with as a competition. Both are
necessary, and no one should be judged for taking one
approach or the other, because each person is naturally drawn
to and able to understand life more succinctly via one than the
other. It need not matter either or however; if we find, which
approach predominates, we can consciously try to understand
and incorporate the virtues of the other approach in our lives.

Both are equally relevant and equally important. Each has

virtues and each when followed exclusively and not
understanding the other, has its faults.

Introvert / Extrovert

Extroverts focus their attention and energy on the world

outside of themselves. They seek out other people and enjoy
lots of interactions, whether one-on-one or in groups.
They are constantly (and naturally) pulled to the outer world
of people and things. Because Extroverts need to experience
the world to understand it, they tend to like a lot of activity.
Extroverts get their “batteries charged up” by being with
others and usually know a lot of people.

Extroverts are most comfortable doing their thinking out

loud. In fact, Extroverts often need to talk to think.

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Introverts focus their attention and energy on the world
inside of themselves. T h e y enjoy spending time alone and
need this time to “recharge their batteries.” Introverts try to
understand the world before they experience it, which means
a one-on-one or in small groups. Introverts avoid being the
center of attention and are generally more reserved than
Extroverts. They prefer to get to know new people slowly.
Introverts are more comfortable thinking silently.

Thinkers / Feelers
Thinkers prefer decisions that make sense logically. They
pride themselves on their ability to be objective and
analytical in the decision-making process. They make
decisions by analyzing and weighing the evidence, even if
that means coming to unpleasant conclusions. Thinkers can
be analytical to the point of seeming cold.

Feeling refers to making decisions based upon personal values.

It simply means making decisions based upon what is
important to you and others. Feelers make decisions based
upon the ability to be empathetic and compassionate. Feelers
can be personally involved to the point of seeming over
emotional.

√ Check off the ones that most fit your personality traits.
Subjective Objective

Introvert _____Extrovert _____Thinker ____Feeler_____

Choose the ones that fit your mate’s personality traits.

Subjective Objective

Introvert Extrovert Thinker Feeler

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SOUL MATE = SOLE MATE
Spirituality is an “inside job” and leads to a desire for deeper
communion. Unity and wholeness are found at the core of,
and this discovery can overcome all sense of difference and
distinction allowing for a common understanding and mutual
respect and toleration.

When a person is moving away from mere personality

consciousness and growing into spiritual consciousness,
he/she begins to exercise deeper and larger powers and
intentions. The goal is the awakening of the conscious mind
through spiritual awareness, where before our awareness was
only on the personality level, now we begin to expand and
work in the universal or spiritual level.

GROWING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Many common marriage problems involve the way a
husband and wife manage their conflicts. If you and your
spouse can learn to argue in a way that avoids certain "deadly
toxins" that can poison your communication, you can avoid
some of the most common marriage problems.

WHEN WE ARE WILLING TO ACCEPT

UNCONDITIONALLY THE THINGS WE CANNOT
CHANGE, OUR CHOICES ARE TWO. WE CAN
BREAK UP, OR WE CAN FASHION A MORE MATURE
LOVE BASED COMMITMENT.

LISTENING
You may have to alter the entire way you relate to your mate.
You can begin by working hard to understand by earnestly
seeking to know how the other person is feeling. The next
time you are with your mate, try to gauge what he or she is
feeling. Don't just listen to their words, look deep inside to
see if you can get a handle on what they are feeling. Look past
the words.
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PRACTICE ACTIVE LISTENING
This is a form of listening in which you tune into the
communication with the soul rather than of the mind of the
person before you. You can often understand a person's
feelings a lot faster than you can understand their words.

During an argument a person who listens to words rather

than feelings will often throw another's words back in their
face, reciting perfectly what they've just said word-for-word
in order to make them feel like they are making no sense at
all. Right about then is when the other person says, "Why
don’t you understand anything at all about how I am
FEELING?" That is when you know that you have been
listening to their words and have not been trying to
understand how they are feeling. Feelings are the language of
the soul. If you don’t take the time to understand how a
person feels, you won’t to be able to get to the bottom of
the problem.

If that other person thinks that he or she is your "soul

partner," this can be a devastating experience. They will
wonder why you cannot hear them at the level of soul, but
insist only on taking their words apart, one by one, and
analyzing them to show them how silly they are being. A few
experiences such as this can change a relationship forever.

The fastest way to let someone know that you and they are
one is to feed back to them exactly what they are feeling.
Someone who was once very close to you can decide that it is
not safe to remain that close, because you have no idea at all
how they are truly feeling.
This means giving up defense in all verbal exchanges even
arguments and realizing that if the two of you are one, there
is no one to defend against. This means honestly looking at
your own feelings and opening up to their feelings.
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NEGATIVE THOUGHTS
If you allow yourself to dwell on pessimistic thoughts or
attitudes, you can expect to exhibit negative, self-destructive
behaviors in your marriage. Our thoughts are the seeds from
which our actions germinate. You are responsible for what
you think, particularly as part of a marriage. It is at this level
that you exercise choice, knowing that what you think is
what you will experience and so will your marriage.
PROJECTION
We repress what we don’t want to know, and project it out on
to someone else. If you don’t want to admit that these
thoughts are your own and exist in your mind, then you
hide them and see them in others. The thought is denied,
and the cause of the thought is the fault of someone else,
namely your marriage partner. What we see in others may only
be the result of our projections, and are not necessarily the
truth about them.
ANGER
When we are afraid of looking at something within ourselves,
or our marriage, something for which we don’t want to accept
responsibility, we become angry.
DEFENSES
We use defenses to avoid the very belief against which we
are defending. Defense mechanisms may be unconscious,
but we utilize them to hide from the truth.
SELF-ESTEEM
Your self-esteem reflects what you think and feel about
yourself. You acquire your image of yourself over time by
receiving messages about yourself from the people. Yourself-
esteem is a reflection of your image, of who you think you are.
Your family is the earliest source of information about
yourself. As a result, your subconscious mind gradually
develops a picture of yourself that you come to believe as real.
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LIFE LESSONS
The fact that there is much in life we cannot control means
we may need a deeper spiritual understanding, a source
beyond our ordinary limits.
 Although everything changes and nothing remains
the same, things renew themselves and move through
cycles that further evolution.
 Although things do not always go according to plan,
we sometimes sense a larger plan at work that opens
startling possibilities.
 Although life is not always fair, something in us
remains committed to fairness and refuses to be unjust or
retaliatory.
 Although suffering is part of life, we have ways of
dealing with it, and thereby we expand our powers to handle
future pain and help others in their pain.
 Although people are not loving and loyal all the
time, nothing has to get into the way of our acting with
lovingkindness and giving up on others.
Know and understand that there will be challenges and
difficult times. Cultivate the technique of seeing all problems
as opportunities. Don’t try to avoid them, welcome them and
see them as opportunities to fulfill what you came into the
relationship to do, believing in the love that brought you
together in the first place.

A true u n i o n is about the connection of two beings

living through all moments, both good and bad, and never
leaving the other's side no matter what. A marriage is two
people who have lived through pain, been transformed
by it, and use it to help each other.

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Better Sex for a Better Marriage – Tips
Better sex in your marriage can lead to a better marriage.
While everyone knows that “it’s not just about the sex,” sex is
still a very important part of most marriages. But how can you
have better sex in your marriage? How can you and your
spouse talk about sex? And how do you know what’s okay as
far as sex goes in your marriage?

Better sex within a marriage starts with communication.

It takes constant open communication to understand what
your spouse desires. Unfortunately, many couples never talk
about sex, either out of fear or embarrassment. Just talking
starts a good habit of open discussion, which leads to a
better marriage through better sex in your marriage. It is
important to discuss sex because men and women have
fundamentally different sexual needs. These needs, if left un-
addressed, can lead to disagreements, frustration, and
alienation.

Better Sex in Marriage – What Women Want

Women do not separate sex from the emotional aspects in
the relationship. They want a sense of connection and
intimacy that starts well before sex is initiated. Therefore, it’s
critically important for better sex in your marriage that
you light the spark outside the bedroom to make sure you
have fireworks inside the bedroom.

Better Sex in Marriage – What Men Want

Men often view making love as a primary way to connect
with their mates. Men are more prone to visual stimulation
and instant gratification. Seize the moment with your
husband – he may get turned on while watching you get
ready to go out, and won’t be satisfied with just a simple kiss.
Remember, better sex in your marriage doesn’t have to
follow a schedule, but it should be a regular part of a
marriage.
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COMMON PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE
Common Marriage Problem #1: Criticism
Common marriage problem #1, criticism, involves attacking
someone’s personality rather than their behavior. Everyone
has the right to complain. Criticism, on the other hand,
entails blaming, makes a personal attack or an accusation.
Whereas complaints usually begin with the word, I, criticisms
begin with you. For example, “I wish we went out more than
we do” is a complaint. “You never take me anywhere,” is a
criticism.

Common Marriage Problem #2: Contempt

Some of the most common expressions of contempt are
name calling, hostile humor, and mockery. These are all
examples of the second common marriage problem, and once
they've entered a home; the marriage goes from bad to worse.

Common Marriage Problem #3: Defensiveness Common

marriage problem #3, defensiveness, causes both spouses to
feel victimized by the other, so that neither is willing to
take responsibility for setting things right. Every time they
make excuses and deny responsibility, they add to their
marital problems.

Common Marriage Problem #4: Finances

Many people find the concept of money a difficult one to
discuss, even with their spouse. A couple may have a number
of financial goals they wish to reach, but not have a clear plan
of how they will reach those goals. If one spouse makes
most of the financial decisions, then the other partner may
feel resentful. Differing styles with regard to managing the
family’s financial resource can also be considered one of the
causes of divorce. If one partner spends freely, and the other
one is more cautious with his or her spending habits, this can
cause conflict within the marriage.

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DIVORCE - WHEN IT IS TOO LATE
The divorce rate in America is 50% percent of first marriages,
67% of second marriages, and 74% of third marriages.
COMMON CAUSES FOR DIVORCE
Divorce rates are higher today than compared to rates just
1 5 years ago. The causes of divorce vary from couple to
couple, but most commonly stem from one specific issue
that is compounded by a lack of commitment to the
marriage. The most common causes of divorce include
money, infidelity, and career choices.
Cause of Divorce #1:
Unwillingness to communicate lovingly
Cause of Divorce #1 has to do with the ways you talk and
listen to each other. Loving communication means that you
are willing to share and talk about your lives together. It
means that you do so with respect and kindness. This doesn't
mean you won't get angry or argue, but that you make an
effort to talk and listen in ways that highlight the fact that
you love your partner and want what's best for them. That
kind of attitude can help you avoid many causes of divorce.
Cause of Divorce #2:
Unwillingness to commit
The second cause of divorce relates to how fully you're willing
to stand by your vows to love, honor, and respect each
other. This can apply to common causes of divorce like
infidelity and abuse, but it's also about the basic ways you
treat each other.
Cause of Divorce #3:
Unwillingness to compromise
An overarching cause of divorce is one or both spouses'
unwillingness to compromise. Flexibility is the key in any
relationship, especially when you're dealing with contentious
issues like finances, childrearing, career decisions, etc.
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Cause of Divorce #4:
Unwillingness to put down weapons
One thing that can cause divorce is a constant battle in
which partners consistently wound each other. Marital
growth begins with your being willing to develop and
strengthen your relationship skills like communication,
commitment, compromise, and kindness. Pay attention to
your willingness to love your partner in all these ways, and
see where it takes your marriage.

A NOTE ON THE MEANING OF FORGIVENESS

The word forgiveness comes from the prefix fore; before; in
front. True forgiveness is when we decide ahead of time that
we have already made a decision to forgive no matter what
our mate has done. Just a thought, isn’t for-give-ness the
purest form of love?

Looking at the above causes of divorce, what is holding

me back from making this relationship work?

#1. #2. #3. #4.

Enter any other causes that you would like to examine and
perhaps change.

Cause/s:

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 STEP TWO
ON THE JOURNEY

What do you like about yourself?

What don’t you like about yourself?

When your mate thinks of you what would he/she say are your
most outstanding characteristics?

What are your strongest natural abilities?

What do you do well?

What are your areas of weakness?

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What would your mate like to see you change?

What do I want to change or re-create for myself?

What do you need to do to make these changes?

What was the first thing that attracted you to your mate?

What do you like about your mate?

When you think of your mate, what are your mate’s most
outstanding characteristics?

When you think of your mate, what are your mate’s areas of
weakness? What would you like to see changed?

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 STEP THREE
ON THE JOURNEY

Questions to Consider in Your Relationship

Your reality is forever being molded and created from your

thoughts and beliefs. Your possible future together is being
formed by what you think and believe today. The present is
the womb by which the future will be born. You hold within
you your own destiny the outcome of your relationship
together. Change your thoughts and beliefs where necessary,
and you will change your future.

Once you fully recognize the power and influence beliefs

have in your life, and in your relationship, the next step
becomes obvious. Change the beliefs that are limiting and
holding you back, and create powerful new beliefs that serve
and uplift you, beliefs that will take you and your relation-
ship wherever it needs to go.

When you act upon your life, it takes place in the present,
but will affect your future together. In fact, nothing you can
do will ever happen outside of the present. So choosing in
the present to re-frame your past, and determine your future is
incredibly powerful. The sooner you begin to act upon the
new beliefs and whatever changes that you are willing to see
take place, you are creating your relationship for the better.

Responding to your new beliefs is sending a strong signal

you are willing to see new realities are beginning to take hold
that you are willing to change, that you are cooperating with
the process that it is, in fact, already happening.

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What areas of your life could be tweaked?

What are you merely tolerating or putting up with in your

life?

What do you want more of in your life? (Make a list)

What could your mate begin to work on now that would

make the biggest difference in your life?

What are three things your mate is doing regularly that

doesn’t serve or support you?

What do you love about your mate?

What do you really, really want out of your marriage?

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What is one change that you would make that would give
more strength to your relationship?

What will happen and what is the cost to your

relationship, if you don’t do this?

In what way is the current situation/relationship

absolutely perfect?

What in your relationship makes you grateful?

What is one way you could bring more fun into your
relationship?

What in your relationship do you want to see change?

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After a significant disagreement, how long do you and your
mate remain angry?

Do you feel that your mate listens to you when you have a
disagreement?

Are there any significant religious or ethnic differences between

you and your mate?

How is your mates’ physical appearance to you? What would

you change?

How do you handle disagreements that cannot be resolved?

Are there any issues that you would like to discuss or talk
about?

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What are the roadblocks to the success of your relationship?
(Be specific)

Financial:

Spiritual:

Personally:

What are the necessary steps to take to remove the roadblocks?

(Be specific)

What are the negative habits, beliefs, and conditions in your

relationship that need to be changed or be removed?
(Be specific)

What specific ACTION PLAN should be taken to make

these changes?

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 STEP FOUR
ON THE JOURNEY

Go through the following eight areas in your life and answer

each of the questions to see which particular areas need the
most work. Rank your current levels of success in each area
of your life.
(If the sentence is true give yourself 1 point, for every other
answer put a 0)

Happiness
I love my life, and I am very happy.
I can’t wait to get out of bed every morning.
___I spend my time away from work doing the things I enjoy
the most.
I spend time on me every day.
I love my days off and weekends – they are fun packed.
I appreciate the little things in life.
I am living the way I want to live at the moment.
I don’t get stressed out easily and can chill.
___I laugh a lot. I'm fun to be with.

Happiness score out of 9

Money
I have no money worries.
I have no credit card debt in excess of $1000.
I have a money plan in place for the future.
I always know what I am spending each month.
I always know what my bank balance is at any given
moment.
I am financially knowledgeable; I know about money and
investing.
I have total control over my finances.

Money score out of 7

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Career
I love my career. I am fulfilled.
I look forward to going to work every day.
My career stimulates me as a person.
I work to live and not live to work.
I know where my career is taking me both in
advancement and reward.
In the main, work does not stress me.
The people I work with are great.
My work environment is positive.

Career score out of 8

People/Family/Relationships
I have a lot of friends, and we do things together.
I am close to my parents. (Alive or not)
I have a best buddy.
I am close to my children; there are no differences
between us.
I do a lot of activities together as a family.
The people who matter the most in my life love me.
I have a good network of friends.
I get along with people in the main and can communicate
effectively with anyone.
People score out of 8
Confidence
I am a confident person.
I don’t doubt my ability to do a job.
I know my strengths and weaknesses.
I don’t often think that I am not as good as others.
I don’t worry what others may think of me.
I don’t expect myself to be perfect all the time.
I am a positive person.
Confidence score out of 10
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Looking after yourself
I lead a healthy lifestyle in terms of the food I eat.
I do not abuse my body with excess alcohol.
I am happy with my appearance.
There are no outstanding issues or problems that have
not been resolved or working towards being resolved.

Looking after yourself score out of 4

Growth & Development
I am constantly learning and growing.
I try out new things and activities all the time.
I make plans to improve myself constantly.
I know what my goals are, and I am eagerly and
effectively making them a reality.
I have all the tools, aids, contacts and resources to make
me a success.
I make events happen rather than wait for them to
happen to me.
I regularly attend seminars, training courses and
conferences to improve.

Growth & Development score out of 7

Unfinished Business
I am in control of my life and my own destiny.
I am really optimistic about the future.
There is nothing I am dreading or avoiding.
I have a plan in place to succeed in all that I do.
I am implementing my plan.
I have the energy and drive to succeed.
I am not afraid of making mistakes or failing at things.
I am now ready to give it all that it takes to succeed in
our relationship.

Unfinished Business score out of 8

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Your overall scores:

Area Score
Happiness
Money
Career
Relationships
Confidence
Looking After Yourself
Growth Development
Unfinished Business
TOTAL
Put your overall scores in the table above and highlight the
areas of your life that need the most work.

Write down below the top five activities that you are going to
start on immediately.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

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How do you spend your leisure time?

What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?

How do you spend your extra money? Where does it all go?

Are you mostly organized, or somewhat disorganized?

Explain.

Where are you the least disciplined in your life?

What is the vision you have for your future?

What is your favorite topic when you meet others for the
first time?

What are your hobbies? How important are they to you?

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What are some of your future goals?

We all want to be loved for who we really are. Do you feel

loved for who you are? Please explain.

It is not necessary to attach importance to the same things.

Do you agree or disagree? Please explain.

A caring relationship is one where each person seeks to

understand and be understood. Do you feel that you are
understood? Please explain.

What do you think are three key factors that make for a
lasting relationship?
1.

2.

3.

Make a list of the problems that need to be addressed in order

to make the relationship work.

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 STEP FIVE
ON THE JOURNEY

Complete the following exercise. It will help you to examine

both the positive and negative thoughts of your relationship.

Make a list of your mate’s qualities and shortcomings, ones

that you think are positive and the ones that you think are
negative.

POSITIVE ONES NEGATIVE ONES

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In the box below, write out in your own words and describe
why they are positive and negative. What do they say about
your mate? How do they make you feel?

Next complete another list about yourself and your

qualities and shortcomings.

POSITIVE ONES NEGATIVE ONES

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In the box below, write out in your own words and describe
why they are positive and negative. What do they say about
you? How do they make you feel?

Whatever we choose to think, w e choose for our lives. The

one thing that can bring success or failure in our lives or to
the success of a relationship, is our attitude.

DURING LIFE’S JOURNEY, YOU WILL NEED TO KEEP A

POSITIVE ATTITUDE IN THE FACE OF OPPOSITION
AND FROM ADVERSE SITUATIONS. REMEMBER, IT WILL
BE YOUR ATTITUDE THAT WILL DETERMINE YOUR
SUCCESS. IT IS SAID THAT ATTITUDE IS A LITTLE
THING THAT MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE.

Discuss with one another positive and negative comments.

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IN SUMMING UP
What is going through your mind as you sit there in your
chair?

In the box below, write out in your own words and describe
what you are willing to accept and why - and what you are
not willing to accept and why.

I will commit my life to you. I will accept you, as

you are, positive and negative - unconditionally.

There are some issues that I feel we need to

discuss, before I can make that commitment.

Name
Date
Name
Date

43
 Lee Cobleigh is a Non-denominational Wedding
Officiant and Inspirational Coach.
The Marriage Manual is designed to provide a
personal perspective for individuals considering
marriage, and to help guide and encourage successful
marriage relationships.
The Marriage Manual is based on the reality that it's important to
strengthen your relationship and prepare constructively for future
challenges and conflicts that everyone will inevitably face at some
point in their marriage.

The decision to marry and to maintain a loving relationship

requires understanding the dynamics of marriage and how your
choices will affect your marriage.

Before the wedding is the time to talk about your expectations of

marriage and of the understanding, you have of yourselves and each
other.
In a marriage relationship, individuals need to be aware of who they
are and the degree to which they will commit themselves to their
partner. If these factors are mutually realized and discussed by both
partners, it will help ensure the success of soulmates becoming
solemates for life.

FOR MORE INFORMATION CONTACT:

[email protected] ▪ www.ifaith.com

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