Leading Ladies

Ken Ludwig

(We hear a recording of a popular, upbeat song of the period and a raucous
crowd having a good time. We’re in an auditorium in Shrewsbury,
Pennsylvania, that night. DOCTOR MEYERS comes down the aisle, shaking
hands with his friends and slapping their backs. He’s the Chief Moose—a
crusty, likeable curmudgeon, a country doctor who takes no guff from
anybody. He wears the distinctive red fez of the Moose. He bounds onto the
stage and starts the meeting.)

DOC MEYERS-- Ladies and Gentlemen… Ladies and Gentlemen! Thank you
and welcome to the general meeting of the Loyal Order of the Moose.
AWHOOOOO!! (“Awhoo” is the Sound of the Moose. DOC MEYERS does the
call, the other Moose in the lodge call back to him.) We hope you’re having a
heck of a good time and that you’re all looking forward to the very special
buffet spread we have waiting for you across the hall. Well folks, tonight
we’re plowing some new ground and bringing you some very special
entertainment, entitled, believe it or not, “Scenes from Shakespeare”
starring two actors coming to us direct from their last engagement at the
Elks of Scranton, please give a Moose Lodge welcome to Leo Clark and Jack
Gable! AWHOOOO!!

(Awhoo!! As DOC EXITS, the curtain flies, the lights change--- and we’re on a
battlefield in England in the 1400s. Trumpets sound! Banners wave! We
hear the sounds of war and we see a flimsy castle in the distance! These
effects, unfortunately, are a bit down—at –heel. This is, after all, a tour of
one nighters, not the RSC. So the banners are a bit ragged, the music a bit
tinny, and the one piece of scenery, the castle can be folded for traveling.)

(HENRY THE FIFTH played by LEO CLARK, rushes on in full battle gear,
waving his sword and rallying his troops. LEO is in his early 40’s.)

KING HARRY—Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more! Or close
up the wall with our English dead.

(HOTSPUR, HENRY’s mighty nemesis, played by JACK GABLE, rushes on out

of breath and fresh from fighting. Note: The boys have conflated two
different plays hear and I can only assure you that they are ashamed of it.
Note also: “Ha!” denotes a thrust of the sword and its accompanying shout
of valor.)
HOTSPUR—Hold up thy head, vile Scot! Thou art Harry Monmouth.

KING HARRY-- And thou art Hotspur, the rebel lord who comes to take my
throne.

HOTSPUR-- A plague on both your houses! Ha! Ha!

KING HARRY—Stay back I say!

(They fight, furiously, a pitched battle of swords and bucklers. It is rather

thrilling.)

HOTSPUR—A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!

(HARRY’s final thrust skewers poor HOTSPUR. HOTSPUR dies.)

KING HARRY—To be or not to be, that is the question. (LEO notices

something in the audience. People are walking out, including one Moose
named FRANK, who is clattering out of the second row and up the aisle. We
can tell that FRANK is a Moose by the Fez he wears. [FRANK is doubled by
the actor who plays BUTCH.] LEO has skipped a beat but tries to go on, just
a little louder.) Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows
for the where the hell are they going? They’re walking out!

JACK—(Opening an eye.) They’re heading to the buffet across the hall.

LEO—Hey! Hey! Come back here! What’s the matter with you people! We
are giving a performance up here!

MOOSE FRANK—(From the aisle.) It’s boring! Go back where you came
from!

LEO—Oh really?! Well why don’t you go back where you came from?!!
Huh?!

MOOSE FRANK—This is where I’m from, you idiot. I live here!

LEO—“Idiot?” He called me and “idiot!”

JACK—Leo--

LEO—You’re the idiot! You! That’s right, you!

JACK—(Grabbing him.) Leo! Leo, stop! STOP IT! (To MOOSE FRANK:) He’s
sorry. Go. Eat. Have a good time. Leo, let’s go.
LEO—(Rounding on the audience again.) What’s the matter with you
people?! Haven’t you ever heard of culture?! Huh?! Or civilization?!!

JACK—Leo!

LEO—Next time we’ll bring a stripper!

(From the back of the auditorium, the men cheer.)

MEN—(Off) YAY!

(As the boys EXIT, the lights fade quickly and we hear the voices of a TRAIN
CONDUCTOR.)

CONDUCTOR—All aboard! Pennsylvania Line, East Coast Local, sopping at

Loganville, New Salem, York, Goldsboro, Harrisburg and points North. Please
watch your step entering the train. East Coast Local, all aboard!

New Scene

(The lights come up inside an empty train car the next morning as JACK and
LEO ENTER carrying their suitcases.)

LEO—Morons! They were complete and utter morons!

JACK—Leo—

LEO—Whatever happened to respect?! Hmm?! And-and-and courtesy?!

JACK—You told me you went there to meet women.

LEO—I did, but then I got interested. Just look at us! It’s been ten years and
we’re still at the bottom.

JACK—Do you know what I want? I mean really want? (He’s deadly serious
now.) Neighbors. A house. People who care if I open the door in the
morning.

LEO—Well…of course… But Jack we can still make it! As actors! All we need
is a break! (Suddenly galvanized.) Now, how much do we have in the kitty?
A thousand? Eight hundred. Six. Five? How much?

JACK—Nothing.

LEO—No really.

JACK—We don’t have a dime.

LEO—(In shock.) But—but—what about last night? Our show for the moose
people?

JACK—They wouldn’t pay us.

LEO—What?!

JACK—I went right up to the Great Yak. He said six of his members resigned
at the buffet. One more soliloquy, he would have lost the whole herd.

LEO—Those… cheaters! Those—those those crooks. (LEO notices a local

newspaper on the train seat across the aisle. He picks it up and glances at
the front page. Something catches his eye and he reads more carefully. The
more he reads, the more absorbed he becomes.) Look. “Oh Max, Oh Steve.”
“Dying Woman Seeks Loved Ones. Large Fortune At Stake.” Listen!
“Millionairess Florence Snider of York, Pennsylvania, is reported to be
searching desperately for her sister’s children, Max and Steve, to whom she
intends to leave the bulk of her fortune.”

JACK—Would you get to the point, I’m hungry!

LEO—The boys left here as children. “Repeated telegrams and

advertisements have failed to get a response.” She can’t find them! And
apart from a niece named… Meg who lives with her in York, she wants to
leave them her money.

JACK—So what?

LEO—Look at us! We could be brothers. We even look alike. (He holds JACK
around the shoulders and they look out at the audience. They look nothing
at all alike of course.) You could be Steve and I could be Max.

JACK—Us? Her nephews?

LEO—Bingo.

JACK—But we’re not her nephews. It’s a lie.

LEO—Jack, Florence Snider has tried for months to reach her nephews and
she can’t find them. So we wouldn’t be hurting anybody. Do you think I
could hurt anybody?

JACK—What about the niece? Meg.

LEO—The hell with her. She’ll get plenty. Look, it says the estate is
estimated at three million dollars. So instead of three million, she gets one
million. And you get a million and I get a million.

JACK—A million dollars? But she could have seen pictures of her nephews!
In the past couple of months!

LEO—I’ve thought of that, so we don’t show up until she kicks the bucket.

JACK—Dead?

LEO—No, Jack, a little wooden bucket that she kicks on its side… Yes of
course dead! We wait nearby and keep our ears to the ground. The minute
she goes, we send a telegram.

JACK—It won’t work.

LEO—Yes it will.

(At this moment, AUDREY skates in on roller skates. She is wearing a

brightly colored uniform with a matching hat. She also carries some text
books and a towel. She’s about 20, extremely well built and extremely
sweet and good natured. She’s a knockout.)

AUDREY—Wheeee!

(As she skates in, she can’t stop herself and careens right into JACK, who
catches her.)
AUDREY—Oh, thanks! (For JACK, it’s love at first sight.) Hi. I bet you’re
wondering why I’m dressed up like this.

JACK—It’s very cheerful.

AUDREY—It’s my first day at the Tastee Bite. See? “Taste Bite.” (She points
to her chest, and her tight sweater has the words “Tastee Bite” across the
front.) I took the training course and yesterday and I passed with flying
colors.

JACK—Good show.

AUDREY—They have faith in me and that counts for a lot. Right?

LEO—Absolutely.

AUDREY— To tell you the truth, I got the job just to make some money. I
want to go to college. Ergo, the books. Ergo means therefore. I mean, I
know it’s a commute and all, living in York, but I figure it’s worth it if it helps
get me through college.

LEO—…You live in York?

AUDREY—Yeah.

LEO—York, Pennsylvania?

AUDREY—Yeah.

LEO—You wouldn’t know a Miss Florence Snider by any chance?

AUDREY—Are you kidding me? When I worked for a doctor, she came to the
office like every day. Everything with her was a big deal. If she had a
headache, it was a migraine, she had a slight fever, she was burning up. She
was always exaggerating.

LEO—And how’s she doing?

AUDREY—She’s dead. She died this morning.

JACK—Oh, crap!

AUDREY—I know. It’s awful.

LEO—What about Max and Steve? Has anyone heard from them?

AUDREY—Nope, not a word. The funny thing is, she didn’t even have a
picture of them. I asked her. She was real broken up about it. She said she
thought that the older one, that was Max, she thought that Max was in the
theatre.

LEO—In the theatre…! Is there anything else she ever said about Max and
Steve? Anything distinctive about them? A scar, a limp…

AUDREY—Nope. Not really. Just average normal people. She said that
Steve was deaf and dumb, but that’s about all.

LEO—Deaf and dumb?

AUDREY—Yeah. Its congenital. Not to be confused with congenial. Can I

leave my stuff here? I gotta practice my skating. See, to work at this place
you’ve got to roller skate from table to table. I still need some practice, but
I’ve got a plan. My names Audrey.
JACK—Jack. Jack Gable. Like Clark Gable without the cleft in the chin.

AUDREY—Hey. You’re cute. I’ll see ya later!

(She skates off.)

JACK—She thinks I’m cute…

LEO—Fine you’re cute. And you’ll be deaf and dumb and I’ll do all the taking.

JACK—I can’t be deaf and dumb, I-I-I don’t know any sign language.

LEO—Try it! Just try it! Say… “yes.” (Reluctantly, JACK holds his hands out
facing each other, fingers up and extended, the hands parallel.) Say “no”
(JACK crosses his hands.) “Maybe” (Wavy hand) “I’m hungry” (Points to his
mouth with his tongue out.) “I’m thirsty” (Swigs, using his thumb as a
bottle.) “I have an idea.” (Fingers up with a big smile.) All right, good. (Still
signing, JACK gives a silent thumbs up.) Stop it. (JACK signs “stop it” by
putting his palms face down and tossing them to the sides, the way an
umpire indicates “safe” in baseball.) Stop doing that, Jack. (JACK does the
“stop it” sign and points to himself.) It isn’t funny!

(JACK does the “stop it” sign, then imitates laughing.)

JACK—Oh…Sorry. I’m sure it isn’t real sign language.

LEO—We’ll tell them it’s a new system. Signing for the simple. We’ll say you
can’t hear a thing. You read lips, but only mine. Now the problem is that
Audrey lives in York and she heard you talking just now. So you’ll have to
wear a beard or something to play Steve. So she doesn’t recognize you.

JACK—I look terrible in a beard!

LEO—That’s not the point! Now what have we got?

(At which moment, AUDREY skates back in. JACK is petrified; LEO recovers
quickly.)

AUDREY—(Off, then on.) Whee! Hi. Sorry. I forgot my towel (She sees JACK
and is startled.) Hey! Did he have a beard just now?

LEO—Who? Him? I-I don’t think you’ve met him.

AUDREY—I haven’t?
LEO—No. Oh, oh, of course. You met Jack, an old friend. This is my brother
Steve.

AUDREY—“Steve?” No kidding. Hi how are ya?

LEO—I’m afraid he can’t hear what you’re saying. He’s deaf and dumb.

AUDREY—Deaf and d--! Holy cow! That’s incredible! Usually I never even
hear about anybody being deaf and dumb, now it comes up twice. Talk
about a coincidence.

LEO—Ah, but is it? You see, this is Steve. And I’m his brother.

AUDREY—I know. It’s amazing. Two deaf people named Steve.

LEO—Two…?

AUDREY—Yeah. Don’t you remember? Max and Steve. The two girls we
talked about. Like I told you, the younger one is deaf and dumb.

LEO—“Two girls?”

AUDREY—Yeah.

LEO—But… Max and Steve are men, aren’t they?

AUDREY—No. Oh oh oh! I get it! I bet you got mixed up because of their
names, right? But they’re not men, they’re girls! Their real names are
Maxine and Stephanie.

JACK—“Maxine and Stephanie?” Oh that’s great, that is just great!

AUDREY—Hey, he just talked.

LEO—Amazing are you absolutely sure they’re girls?

AUDREY—Sure. I talked to Miss Snider like a hundred times about them.

You know, he talks very well for a beginner. Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m
gonna go practice my skating. (To JACK.) CONGRATULATIONS. YOU’RE
MAKING TERRIFIC PROGRESS.

JACK—Thank you.

(She skates away.)

LEO—Damn it! We were so close! I could taste it! Two million dollars!
JACK—At least I can talk now.

LEO—DAMMMMMMITT! (In a rage, LEO throws one of the suitcases on the

floor—and it springs open, sending costumes spilling everywhere.) Oh,
great. Just look at this. Costumes to remind me of our latest defeat.

JACK—I’ll help, I’ll help. (As they begin gathering up the costumes, LEO holds
up a wig and a dress and looks at them quizzically. Meanwhile, JACK is
holding a gown up to himself.) Ha. Remember this one? Juliet. We had that
knockout actress and I used to say, “Pardon me, but would you like to climb
up my balcony…?”

(He holds the dress in front of him and models it, chuckling. Then he notices
LEO. LEO’s mind is grinding away. He’s getting a maniacal look in his eyes.
He stares at the dress in his own hands, then looks back at JACK.)

JACK—No.

LEO—Yes.

JACK—No!

LEO—We can do it! It’ll work! I’ll be Maxine, you’ll be Stephanie.

JACK—Wrong! I will not dress up as a woman. Ever. I don’t do that.

LEO—For a million dollars? The question is, which dress do you wear.

(LEO starts rummaging through the suitcase, tossing costumes in all

directions.)

JACK—NO!

LEO—I’ll take that as a yes. Now we’ll get off at the next stop, send a
telegram, get into our costumes, get back on the train and then it’s on to
York, Pennsylvania! Ha ha!

(Blackout.)

New Scene

(The action shifts to the living room of FLORENCE Snider’s house, a half hour
later. DOCTOR MEYERS and his son BUTCH are hanging a banner that
reads: “Welcome Max and Steve.” BUTCH, early 20’s, is a little slow on the
uptake, but earnest and sincere, with a good heart. He played football in
high school. DOC and BUTCH argue a lot and adore each other.)
DOC—Butch, I want you to listen to me and keep and open mind! All right?!
Are we clear on this?!

BUTCH—Yes, Father.

DOC—The two women coming off that train will be rich as Croesus. Marry
one and you’ll be set for life.

BUTCH—But I’m in love with Audrey!

DOC—Butch! Sow your oats, by all means. Plow the field, till the soil, water
the fruit, but marry for cash.

BUTCH—Oh, Father…

DOC—Look at me, Butch. I’m not joking! I married for love. Biggest mistake
I ever made in my whole life. You could have had Meg! Before she got
engaged to our anal- retentive minister.

BUTCH—Father, Meg is my best friend!

DOC—People do stay friends after they get married, Butch. I read about
them in a book once!

(MEG ENTERS, hurrying down the stairs and DOC stomps off to the other side
of the room. MEG has smartened up for the arrival of her cousins and wears
a twin set.)

BUTCH—Hey, Meg.

MEG—What’s eating him?

BUTCH—He doesn’t like Audrey. He thinks I should marry a girl with deeper
pockets, like one of your cousins coming off the train.

(MEG sighs. Here we go again.)

MEG—Butch, are you in love with Audrey?

BUTCH—I think so.

MEG—How does she make you feel?

BUTCH—Happy.

MEG—How do you make her feel?

BUTCH—Happy.

MEG—And what do you want to do about it?

BUTCH—Sleep with her.

MEG—What else do you want to do about it?

BUTCH—Marry her.

MEG—Well, what are you waiting for, a comet?!

(Duncan ENTERS from the front hall.)

DUNCAN—Well, well, well. Greetings all.

DOC—Well look who’s here. The Reverend Do-gooder.

DUNCAN—And good afternoon to you, Doctor Death. Killed any patients yet
today?
DOC—No, but I did enjoy your sermon on Sunday. Best sleep I’ve had in
weeks. AWHOOOO!

(The call of the Moose.)

MEG—Duncan, did I tell you that Maxine is in the theatre? She’s an actress!

DUNCAN—Yes, you did, though personally I can’t imagine why anyone would
voluntarily put on a silly costume, stand up in front of a lot of people and
pontificate about something that most of the audience has absolutely no
interest in.

BUTCH—….You’re a minister. Don’t you do that?

MEG—Wait. Oh, no. I forgot the flowers. Oh, darn it! I’ll be right back!

(She dashes up the stairs and disappears into her room. At this moment,
Audrey hurries in from the garden, wild with excitement.)

AUDREY—Hey! Hey! Everybody, guess what, guess what?!

BUTCH—Hey, Audrey. How was your first day?

AUDREY—Great, Butch, thanks, but listen—

BUTCH—I love you……. with roller skates. They really set off your eyes.

AUDREY—Thanks, now listen! Guess who’s coming?!

BUTCH—Maxine and Stephanie.

AUDREY—How did you know?

DOC—We got a telegram this afternoon.

DUNCAN—They’re due anytime now.

AUDREY—“Due any time?” They’re outside!! I just met ‘em and they’re
comin’ up the path!! And let me tell you, these are not ordinary women. I’ll
bring ‘em in! (Calling) Hey! This way! Come on, don’t be shy.

(LEO and JACK ENTER dressed as women. LEO wears the dress of Cleopatra
of the Nile. JACK’s Titania dress still has wings on it. LEO, as MAXINE, is chic
and flamboyant. JACK, as STEPHANIE, is shy and demure. BUTCH, DUNCAN
and DOC stare gaping at them, their mouths hanging open. AUDREY looks
proud. Of course, whenever LEO speaks as MAXINE, he uses a feminine, high
pitched voice.)

LEO—Hello, hello, hello, my darlings! Oh! How wonderful to arrive at long

last into the bosom of my own dear family. “Oh! This blessed plot, this
earth, this realm, this York, P-A.”

(LEO beams. JACK looks terrified.)

BUTCH—Are you really Maxine and Stephanie?

LEO—No, I’m just Maxine. This is Stephanie. (He holds JACK’s fingers to his
lips.) Stephanie, say hello to the nice people.

(JACK bows upstage in both directions, giving us a clear view of the back of
his dress—which still has two fairy wings sticking out. At this moment MEG
hurries down the stairs, carrying flowers.)

MEG—Oh, I’m sorry! I’m sorry I’m late, I’m AH! (The sight of them startles
her. To AUDREY:) Is this…? (AUDREY nods.)… Here. These flowers are for
you. I’m your cousin Margaret.

(LEO stops dead. He’s dumbstruck. She’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever
seen.)

LEO—How… how…how do you do? Auntie Florence never told us you were
so … beautiful.

(LEO stares at her, unable to move. MEG wants to embrace them, but
hesitates… then, with a cry of happiness, she gives into her affectionate
nature and gives them each a hug. The very touch of her makes LEO dizzy.)

MEG—Oh, I am so happy to meet you! Let me introduce you to my friends.

This is our Pastor, Reverend Wooley.

DUNCAN—How do you do.’

MEG—This is Doctor Meyers, who has taken such wonderful care of Aunt
Florence.
LEO—How good of you to bother.

MEG—Thos is Butch. And Audrey.

BUTCH—She’s my girlfriend. We’re going to be married soon!

DOC—Over my dead body.

LEO—And wouldn’t that make an unusual ceremony. “Do you take this
woman, standing on this dead body, to be your … Ha!”

(JACK hugs her warmly, rocking back and forth.)

AUDREY—Aww…

LEO—How sweet. (JACK does it again.) Such an affectionate little thing…

(Again.) That’s enough!...Now could you possibly take us to see dear Auntie
Florence?

MEG—Well…

LEO—What? Oh, no! I can see it in your face. We aren’t too late, are we?

MEG—Maxine…

LEO—Oh, no, no no!

MEG—Maxine…

LEO—I can’t believe it! After all this time! Stephanie! Stephanie, listen to
me. (Fingers to lips.) We’re too late! Auntie Florence is dead!

(JACK opens his mouth and screams in complete silence. He looks like
Edward Munch’s “The Scream,” but rocking back and forth, arms up.)

MEG—Maxine! You’re not too late! She isn’t dead!

(LEO and JACK stop cold. They look at each other in horror.)

LEO—…Not dead?

MEG—No. She’s hanging on. And she wants to see you.

LEO—But-but-but-

AUDREY—Butch, this morning you told me she was dead!

BUTCH—That’s what Father said.

DOC—She had no pulse! Then she got better! What do you want from me?!

(LEO and JACK start sneaking away.)

MEG—Maxine? Where are you going?

LEO—The news. It’s overwhelming. We thought a little stroll might help us

recover…

(A voice from off stage is heard, LEO and JACK freeze.)

FLORENCE—(Off.) Are they here?! Where are they?! I want to see them!

(AUNT FLORENCE ENTERS. She’s very old, extremely crusty, and her
eyesight is terrible.)

MEG—Aunt Florence! You should be in bed!

FLORENCE—(All sweetness.) Don’t be ridiculous. I have two little nieces to

meet. Where are they?... (Tough and angry!) WHERE ARE THEY?!
MEG—Right over here.

FLORENCE—Maxine? Stephanie?

LEO—Yes?

(She scrutinizes them: a tense moment.)

FLORENCE—(Crying.)… They’re so beautiful! Maxine, my darling, it’s really

you….

LEO—Auntie Florence, dear Auntie Florence… You look so wealthy… healthy!

So rich in color. So loaded with charm. “Age cannot wither her, nor custom
stale her infinite variety.”

FLORENCE—That must be Stephanie.

LEO—No, it’s Shakespeare. Wait. Stephanie doesn’t know yet. She thinks
you’re dead. (Fingers to lips.) Stephanie. Brace yourself. This is your
Auntie Florence.

(JACK does another toreador flourish. Then he does some signing that
clearly says “Let’s get the hell out of here.”)

LEO—Yes, I agree. As soon as possible. She says it can’t be Auntie Florence,

you look so young.

FLORENCE—Oh, the sweet baby!

(She pulls JACK fiercely to her bosom.)

DOC—Florence, you should be in bed.

FLORENCE—Oh, be quiet, murderer. You said I was dead. I could have been
buried alive.
DOC—I made a mistake. It happens. You don’t make mistakes?

FLORENCE—Not like that I don’t.

(And with that, AUNT FLORENCE grabs her chest and starts to gasp.)

FLORENCE—Argh!

DOC—Oh, damn. Get her inside.

MEG—Maxine, we’ll be right back. She should be fine, don’t worry.

LEO—Can I help?

MEG—No, it’s okay, really. I’ll be right back!

(Everyone helps FLORENCE off, leaving LEO and JACK alone.)

JACK—All right, now let’s get the hell out of here!

LEO—Wait. Wait. Wait! Not yet! I think we should stay.

JACK—Stay? Are you crazy?!

LEO—Jack, this whole thing could still work. I mean, why not?

JACK—Because she’s still alive. And she’s really mean!

LEO—But she can’t last much longer. She must be a thousand years old.

JACK—She could linger. Old people do that, they linger out of spite.

LEO—I say we give it a couple of weeks.

JACK—A couple of weeks?!

LEO—Shh! Look, how about this. We take it a day at a time. We spend the
night, and if they get suspicious, we reconsider.

JACK—No.

LEO—It’s worth it, Jack.

JACK—No!

LEO—Two million dollars!

JACK—No!

LEO—Jack! (MEG REENTERS) be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump over Hello,
you’re back, you’re back!

(LEO laughs gaily. JACK signs “All right, but I don’t like it!” and EXITS.)
LEO—Now how is dear Auntie Florence doing?

MEG—I’m afraid it doesn’t look very good. But at least you made it before
anything happened. That means a great deal to all of us.

LEO—Thank you.

MEG—But… oh I don’t know how to put this… could you tell me just one
thing? About yourself. Well…….. is it true that you’re really … in the
theatre?

LEO—The thea… Oh, oh, oh yes! Yes I am. Absolutely.

MEG—Can I tell you a secret? If I could do anything in the whole world, all I’d
ever want to do is be an actress. I’d want to recite Shakespeare, I’d want to
play Rosalind and Juliet and Cleopatra. Do you specialize in anything?
LEO—Specialize?

MEG—You know, comedy, tragedy…?

LEO—Oh I do a bit of everything. Comedy. Tragedy. Comical- tragedy.

“Tragical- comical- historical- pastoral, scene individual or poem unlimited.”
I did a performance of Twelfth Night not long ago.

MEG—What did you play?

LEO—The Duke of Orino!..’sssss lady love, the fair Olivia.

MEG—Oh my, I’d have given anything to have seen you in it. Do some for
me. Would you? Just a little?

LEO—Now?

MEG—Yes!

LEO—Oh I couldn’t.

MEG—Please!

LEO—You embarrass me.

MEG—A few lines. Please! I know it all by heart. I’ll do Viola’s lines. She’s
my favorite character in all the plays.

(Note: this is one of the sexiest and most romantic passages in all of
Shakespeare. LEO plays Olivia to the hilt. He’s a grand dame, vain and
resplendent. The tone shifts at MEG’s speech “With adorations, with fertile
tears.” And from that point the tone is lushly romantic.)
LEO—“Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate with my face?
You are now out of your text. But we will draw the curtain and show you the
picture.” (She unveils and shows her face.) “Look you, sir. Is’t not well
done?”

MEG—“Excellently done, if God did all.”

LEO—“’Tis in grain, sir, ‘twill endure wind and weather.”

MEG—O, if I did love you in my master’s flame, With such a suffering, such a
deadly life. In your denial I would find no sense. I would not understand it.”

(Silence. LEO is so smitten he can barely speak.)

LEO—….We should get married.

MEG—What?

LEO—You. you should get married. Are you married?

MEG—No. I’m not.

LEO—Oh good! Isn’t that splendid.

MEG—But I’m getting married next month.

(LEO turns white and almost falls.)

LEO—What? You are? Next month?

MEG—That’s right.

LEO—But-but-but you haven’t met me yet!

MEG—I’m sorry?

LEO—Met-met-met-me. To met me. It’s an old expression. It means to live

life to the fullest. From the French, metmoyer. And who exactly is the lucky
man?

MEG—You met him just now. Duncan. Reverend Wooley

LEO—Him? Reverend Woo—But-but my dear, you… you don’t have an

engagement ring.

MEG—Duncan says that rings are earthly symbols of material wealth.

LEO—You mean he’s cheap. And where’s the honeymoon?

MEG—He doesn’t believe honeymoons, either. But can I tell you a secret?
Someday I want to go to Paris.
LEO—Ah.

MEG—(In awe) Have you ever been in love?

LEO—Oh, yes… But what am I saying?

MEG—You will be here for the wedding, won’t you? Oh, please say yes! It’s
three weeks from Sunday.

LEO—Well, I’m afraid that all depends. I may have to… meet someone in
New York a very dear friend of mine. Leo Clark. One of the greatest actors
in the world. I’m sure you’ve heard of him.

MEG—Yes, I have!

LEO—You have?
MEG—I saw him about two years ago in Philadelphia doing Scenes from
Shakespeare. He was wonderful! I fell in love with him! Is he your
boyfriend?

LEO—Hm? No. No! Not at all. We’re just very close. Inseparable, you
might say.

(MAXINE is deep in thought.)

LEO—I wonder…

MEG—What?

LEO—Shh! Don’t interrupt. (Silence.)…. I am getting the most marvelous

idea. Margaret, what if Leo Clark came here to meet you and the two of you
put on a performance of Shakespeare, together.

MEG—…..You’re teasing me.

LEO—I am not, listen. In honor of your wedding, we plan a special event to

make it truly unforgettable: a scene from Shakespeare—no! a whole play—
Twelfth Night—starring you and Leo Clark.

MEG—You are teasing me!

LEO—No I am not! Look, Leo is close by. You are my cousin and I would love
the two of you to spend some time together…

MEG—All right. (Pause.) Would you like to see your room now? You must be
exhausted.

LEO—I think I’ll wait here for Stephanie. If that’s all right.

MEG—Oh yes.
LEO—You’re sure?

MEG—Of course, anything you want.

LEO—Anything?

MEG—You just name it and it’s all yours. (LEO groans.) Well. I’ll be upstairs.
When it gets really warm like this, I … no, I can’t tell you,

LEO—Oh tell me, please,

MEG—I can’t.

LEO—Of course you can.

MEG—You won’t tell anybody?

LEO—I promise. It’ll be just between us girls.

MEG—Well… when it gets really warm, I like to take off all my clothes and
sprinkle water on my chest and just like down on the bed spread out like a
flag! (LEO gulps.) Have you ever tried it?

LEO—I do it all the time.

MEG—I’ll see you later.

(MEG runs up the stairs to the door on the balcony.)

LEO—Oh, Margaret. By the way, which room is mine and Stephanie’s?

MEG—This one. Mine. We’re all sharing. The three of us. Isn’t that great?!

LEO—….Great.

(MEG EXITS, closing the door. LEO buckles at the knees.)

LEO—Now we’re in trouble. Jack! Jack!.... Stephanie!

(LEO dashes out through the garden. The instant he’s gone, JACK and
AUDREY ENTER through the doors to the hall.)

AUDREY—COME WITH ME. I’LL SHOW YOU WHERE YOUR BEDROOM IS.

(AUDREY leads JACK up the stairs.)

AUDREY—Now this is your bedroom. Sleep. Snore. ZZZZ. Okay? I’ll see ya
later. (JACK hugs her.) Aw… bye bye. Now go ahead. Into your room.

(JACK goes into the room and closes the door.)

AUDREY—Gee, what a nice girl.

(She walks away.)

JACK—(Off.) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

MEG—(Off.) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

(JACK reels out of the room and stumbles across the balcony. MEG hurries
out of the room with a towel around her. LEO REENTERS from the garden at
the same time.)

JACK—Oh my! Oh my!

MEG—Stephanie, it’s all right!

JACK—Oh my!

AUDREY—Wait! Wait! Meg, listen! Holy cow! Stephannie is talking!

(MEG gasps.)

MEG—Maxine! Did you hear that. She’s talking!

(LEO drops to his knees and throws his arms up to Heaven.)

LEO—It’s a miracle!

(Religious music. Trumpets and organ, Blackout,)

END OF ACT ONE

ACT II

Scene 1

(The lights come up on the living room, late afternoon, three days later.
FLORENCE is hurrying out the door of her downstairs bedroom, pursued by
DOC, who has a stethoscope around his neck.)

DOC—Florence!

FLORENCE—Shut up!

DOC—Will you please stay in bed!

FLORENCE—No!

DOC—Florence, if you don’t listen to me, you are going to die!

FLORENCE—How would you know?

DOC—Because I will strangle you to death.

FLORENCE—I want to see Stephanie! My baby is talking! Someone could
have told me about it three days ago!

DOC—You were hardly breathing three days ago, you were on life support!

FLORENCE—Well I still had my ears, didn’t I?!! I could have listened! I could
have nodded my head!!

(FLORENCE makes a break for the front door.)

DOC—Florence get back in that bed.

(At which moment, JACK ENTERS dressed as STEPHANIE, in a day dress.)

FLORENCE—Stephanie! Stephanie, there you are! I just heard the news. Let
me hear you speak!
JACK—(At a loss; then, wispy and flower- like.) … I need a drink.

FLORENCE—Oh, my heart! Did you hear that? The tone. The lightness. It’s
her mother’s voice.

JACK—Dear Mama. So sweet. So gentle. When she entered the room it was
like a summer breeze.

FLORENCE—She weighed three hundred pounds.

JACK—Yes. Of course. But so light on her feet…

(DUNCAN ENTERS.)

DUNCAN—Well, good, morning. Florence. Stephanie. I was looking for

Margaret.

JACK—I believe she and Maxine went shopping for the day. In Philadelphia.

FLORENCE—Isn’t it amazing, Duncan. Stephanie talking after all these years.

DUNCAN—Amazing. Almost miraculous.

JACK—But as a man of the cloth, surely you believe in miracles. Reverend

Wooley.

DUNCAN—Well, I believe that miracles happen to people who are deserving

of miracles.

JACK—And you don’t think that I’m deserving?

DUNCAN—Well.

JACK—(Starting to whimper, trying to hide the tears.) Oh, dear. I’m sorry if
I’m a nuisance…
DUNCAN—I didn’t say that—

JACK—Perhaps Maxine and I should just go home…

FLORENCE—Don’t even think about it!

JACK—(Weeping now.) But he said that we’re unfortunate!

DUNCAN—I didn’t say that either!

FLORENCE—Duncan, be quiet!

JACK—But if he doesn’t like us, then we should go.

FLORENCE—Oh, who cares what he thinks. I never liked him anyway.

DOC—Florence, I’ll be back tomorrow.

FLORENCE—Don’t do me any favors Dr. Crippen. Just stay away from me!
Stephanie!

JACK—Coming!

(FLORENCE EXITS, followed by JACK. DUNCAN EXITS and MEG ENTERS. She
looks at herself in the mirror, she has a new dress on. LEO walks into the
room dressed as a man, she doesn’t see him.)

LEO—Excuse me. Sorry. Is this the home of a Miss Florence Snider?

(MEG recognizes him immediately as “LEO CLARK” and gasps.)

MEG—….Yes, it is.

LEO—Oh, good. I’m looking for someone who’s staying here—

MEG—Maxine.

LEO—That’s right. How do you…?

MEG—You’re Leo Clark, aren’t you?!

LEO—(Puzzled.) Yes.

MEG—(Curtsying instinctively, overcome with awe.) Oh, how do you do!

Please, come in. I’m Maxine’s cousin. Meg. And I am just so thrilled to meet
you! Maxine has told me all about you. (She laughs nervously.) Would you
like to sit down?

LEO—I’m fine.
MEG—I just want to say how… kind it is of you to come all this way. And I
am so thrilled about being in a play with you… a real actor. You have a
body…. I mean, your body is trained. It’s an instrument.

(She looks away and makes a face. She wants to kill herself.)

LEO—(Quietly.) You have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. I’ll go
find Maxine.

(LEO EXITS through the garden. MEG is in a daze. Then JACK, still dressed
as STEPHANIE, ENTERS from the hall.)

JACK—Margaret?... Did you have a nice outing? Are you all right?

MEG—Oh, Stephanie. I just met the most intriguing man.

(Without warning, LEO REENTERS.)

LEO—Sorry, just one more thing….

JACK—AHH!!!

MEG—Stephanie, this is Leo Clark. The famous actor!

JACK—You-you-you—

MEG—She’s speechless. I know just how she feels. Stephanie is Maxine’s

sister. Have you two met before?

LEO—No, but she’s even prettier than Maxine said she was. Anyway, I just
wanted to say that rehearsal starts tomorrow at ten.

MEG—I wouldn’t miss it for the world. (To JACK.) We’re putting on a play at
the wedding.

JACK—Oh, really? Well, that’s news to me.

MEG—There are some lines I need to ask you about. For the play. I marked
them in my copy and it’s in my room someplace. I’ll be right back. Don’t go
away. All right?

LEO—Of course.

(She backs away, trying to be sophisticated, and trips on her packages.

Then she gathers them all up and fumbles her way up the stairs and into her
bedroom, closing the door with a bang. JACK turns, furious.)

JACK—You crumb.

LEO—I can explain—

JACK—You traitor.
LEO—I did it for both of us.

JACK—You have put my entire life in jeopardy so you could have a little snog
in the grass!

LEO—That’s not true!

JACK—You want to play the hero and wear trousers and fool around while I
have to wear this stinking dress and this damn BRA!

LEO—Would you keep it down!

JACK—NO! Hey! Where are you going?!

LEO—(EXITING.) Any place until you keep your voice down.

JACK—Get back here, I’m not finished!... Leo! Get back here or you can go to
hello…! (As LEO runs out, DUNCAN ENTERS—so JACK has to immediately turn
his galloping man- walk into a mincing female- walk.) Ta-ta, good-bye.

(JACK EXITS, and DUNCAN strides into the room, simply ecstatic.)

DUNCAN—Meg! Meg?! Meg, get down here!

(MEG ENTERS from above.)

DUNCAN—I was walking past the house just now and one of those Western
Union boys was coming to the door. He brought this telegram addressed to
you.

MEG—Duncan—

DUNCAN—Just listen! “Saw advertisement in London Times. Stop. Both of

us thrilled. Stop. Embarking from Southampton tomorrow and will arrive
your house morning of June 8. Stop. Love, Maxine and Stephanie!” Ha, ha!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

MEG—( Taking the telegram.) I don’t understand.

DUNCAN—Understand what? It’s obvious. These two are your real cousins!
They arrive here the day before the wedding. And so the ones who came on
Monday, those horrible, big, pushy creatures, are both frauds.

MEG—Maxine is wonderful. And so is Stephanie. They can’t be frauds.

DUNCAN—Margaret, they are not your cousins. They have come here to fool
you and take your money.

MEG—I don’t believe you.

DUNCAN—Well then how do you explain this telegram? Huh? “Love Maxine
and Stephanie!”

MEG—Because Maxine—our Maxine, the real one—knows Leo Clark, the

famous actor, and they’re old friends! She even asked him here and he just
arrived!

DUNCAN—And maybe he’s in on it, too! Have you thought of that?! They
could be splitting the boodle!

MEG—Oh, Duncan. He’s Leo Clark. He’s in the theatre. Theatre people
wouldn’t to that kind of thing!

DUNCAN—Wouldn’t d—!! Meg, they are actors, they lie for a living! That’s
their profession! They are all big liars!!
MEG—Duncan. You will not show them that telegram. Ever.

DUNCAN—What?

MEG—I will not have them offended in this house.

DUNCAN—But Marg—

MEG—They are the sweetest, kindest women that ever lived and I will not let
you do it.

New Scene

(The lights change and a tango starts to play. FLORENCE appears dressed to
the nines, and starts tangoing. She has taken years of lessons and has great
flair. DUNCAN ENTERS and joins her. He’s miserable. They complete the
first section of the dance and dance on—as AUDREY and BUTCH dance into
the room. AUDREY is terrific, BUTCH is trying hard to keep up. They perform
the second section and then go—as STEPHANIE and DOC enter tangoing up a
storm. Shade of “Some Like it Hot.” When they complete the third section,
the other couples come back on and all three couples dance the coda in
unison and end with a flourish. Note: this should be choreographed as a
real dance number. When the dance is over, everyone filters off into the
garden, except FLORENCE and AUDREY, who linger for a moment.)

AUDREY—Ooh, this is such a good party, I can tell already. And just wait’ll
you see the play tonight. You’ll go insane.

FLORENCE—Well, that’s something to look forward to.

AUDREY—You know, I’ve just gotta say, it’s really nice of you to do this for
Meg. Next time somebody says to me you’re nothin’ but a nasty old bat, I’m
gonna say. “Oh yeah? You only know the half of it.”

FLORENCE—Thank you.

(As they EXIT, LEO and JACK ENTER simultaneously, JACK from the garden.
LEO is LEO, dressed in a dinner jacket, and JACK is STEPHANIE, in a party
dress, just having danced.)

LEO—Jack—!

JACK—If I have to dance one more minute in high heels, I’ll kill myself. You
should see them out there, hip, sway, hip, sway. I’m telling you it’s like a
whole other sex.
LEO—Jack listen! We have to stop the wedding.

JACK—Stop the—….Why? What are you talking about?!

LEO—So that I can marry Meg.

JACK—Marry her? I thought you just wanted to…

(He indicates sexual intercourse.)

LEO—Jack, I’m in love with her!

JACK—Oh, really? So you’ve been stringing me along the whole time under
false pretenses!

LEO—But Jack, I’m in love. Deeply in love. I want a house, and neighbors
and a front door.

JACK—That was my idea!

LEO—And you were right! You were exactly right! And we’re almost there.
It could be us.

JACK—“Us?” What have I got to do with this?

LEO—Well you and Audrey.

JACK—What do you mean?! We’re… friends.

LEO—Jack, whenever she walks into the room, you start drooling. And last
night she told me she’s in love with you. She wants to marry you.

JACK—….. She said that? (LEO nods. JACK is speechless, then he explodes
with joy.) Hoo-hoooooo! Ha-haaaaaaa! Yes!!! Yyyyyyyyes!!! I knew it! Ha-
haaaaaaa! (OH YEAH BABY!) Did she really say that?
LEO—No, but you can see the effect it has on you.

JACK—Leo—!

LEO—Now listen. Jack. You’ve got to help me. I have spent three weeks
trying to convince Meg to leave Duncan and marry me and I’ve gotten
nowhere. She feels obligated to him. So, I have a plan. I want you to
seduce Duncan. Offer him your body. As Stephanie, of course.

JACK—What?

LEO—You see, this morning I told Duncan that I overheard Florence talking to
her lawyer, cutting Margaret and Maxine out of her will and leaving
everything to Stephanie. Well Duncan is beside himself! He wants the
money for some foundation or something. So if you give him even the
slightest encouragement he’ll go after you. Now here’s the trick: Meg and I
will be hiding behind this screen watching everything. We’ll jump out and
catch him the second he starts to undress you.

JACK—Un-un-undress—

LEO—It’s the old screen gambit, like in Twelfth Night and School for Scandal.

JACK—Are you crazy? ARE YOU NUTS?!!!!

LEO—Is that a yes?

JACK—(Whimpering.) Yes.

LEO—Good. Here’s the letter.

JACK—What letter?

LEO—From you to Duncan. (Points to the envelope.) See? “Duncan.” It

says that you’ll meet him here at 8 o’clock and that you find him sexually
attractive.

JACK—Oh, Great!

(AUDREY ENTERS from the garden.)

LEO—Stephanie, you can ask her now.

JACK—Huh?

LEO—She’s so shy. She wants you to deliver this letter.

AUDREY—Sure, no problem.
(She takes the envelope—as MEG ENTERS at the top of the stairs dressed for
the party and looking gorgeous. We hear a romantic song of the period
wafting in from the garden.)

MEG—Hi everybody. Sorry to interrupt. Has anyone seen Duncan?

LEO—Duncan, Duncan, never heard of him. They’re playing our song. Shall
we dance?

MEG—Well… all right.

(They dance around the room like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers—then
sweep out into the garden, leaving AUDREY and JACK alone. AUDREY sighs.)

AUDREY—Isn’t love great. Someday I’m gonna find just the right guy. I’m
gonna make him real happy. Hey come here, you’re drooling. (She pulls out
a hankie and mops around his mouth.) Aw. Here. Give us a hug. Ooh!
Stephanie, watch your fingers!

JACK—Sorry, sorry… I-I-I-I think I should go now. Bye-bye.

(He reels up the stairs and through the door.)

AUDREY—Gee she’s a nice girl.

(AUDREY turns and accidentally drops the envelope in the punch bowl. She
fishes it out and wipes it with her sleeve.)

AUDREY—Ahh! Oh, darn! Would you look at this envelope? I’m supposed to
deliver it and now I can’t read it. Lets see… D. It starts with a D. D-U. Or is
that an O? Who do I know that starts with a D…? (DOC ENTERS.) Hi,
Doc……Wait! Doc. “D.” Doctor. Doc, this letter is for you. It’s from
Stephanie.

DOC—For me?

AUDREY—She asked me to give it to you. See you later.

(And AUDREY EXITS. DOC is alone.)

DOC—From Stephanie? That’s odd. (He opens the letter and reads.) “My
dear friend, You are a healer of souls. You are a man of compassion to those
in your care. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, You make me happy
when skies are gray… I never felt religious until I met you. May you enter
my house and dwell there forever.” The woman is an animal! “Take me.
Ravish me. Meet me tonight in the living room at 8 o’clock.” That’s in ten
minutes! “Your loving and devoted, Stephanie. P.S. Don’t take no for an
answer.” She’s just been playing hard to get! She just looked at me and
never said a word. Of course, she was deaf and dumb at the time. But still.
(He hurries out, as MEG and LEO dance in.)

MEG—Well. I can’t believe it’s finally happening. The wedding, I mean. I’ve
actually been remarkably calm about it. Up to now. I don’t know why, I
guess it seemed so far away. But then suddenly, last night, as I was lying in
bed, my stomach got very tight, and my head started –

(He stops her mouth with a kiss. A really great kiss.)

MEG—No!

LEO—Meg. I love you.

MEG—Leo, stop.

LEO—I can’t. I love you more than anything in the world.

MEG—I’m getting married tomorrow!

LEO—Then don’t. Not to him. Marry me instead.

MEG—Leo, I can’t do that! I promised Duncan!

LEO—But he’s not right for you! Meg, you deserve a life! You have to see
Paris, and do some acting and travel the world! Now I have a plan, so just
listen. You and I are going to stand right here, behind this screen and watch
Duncan try to make lo—

MEG—I’ve got to go.

LEO—Not yet.

MEG—I need Maxine! I have to talk to her!

LEO—Maxine?!

MEG—I have to find her right now!

LEO—Oh no. No no. No no. No no. Wait!

(Too late. MEG is gone. As LEO runs after her, DUNCAN ENTERS jovially,
carrying a telegram.)

DUNCAN—Why hello there, Leo.

LEO—You’re early. Go away and come back.

(LEO runs out the garden, following MEG, leaving DUNCAN alone in the room.
DUNCAN is in high spirits.)

DUNCAN—Why look at this. It’s another telegram—“Will arrive at eight

fifteen tonight. Stop. Maxine and Stephanie.” Ha!
(JACK now ENTERS from the bedroom at the top of the stairs, still in his party
gown, looking as sexy as all get out. He sees DUNCAN, kicks the door shut
and drapes himself along the doorframe.)

JACK—….Hello, big boy.

DUNCAN—Are you speaking to me?

JACK—Oh, yes.

DUNCAN—Well don’t bother.

JACK—Fine, fine. No words, just action, is that your game? Well go ahead
mister! I’m ready for you! (He poses with his dress hiked up above his knee.
When DUNCAN isn’t looking , he gives a high sign to the screen, believing
that LEO is behind it. DUNCAN turns and just stares at him.) What’s the
matter?

DUNCAN—The matter? Nothings the matter for me. But it is for you. I have
a surprise.

JACK—Here it comes.

DUNCAN—A big surprise.

JACK—Now you’re just bragging.

DUNCAN—In fact, I have two surprises.

JACK—You have two of them?

DUNCAN—That’s right. And they have long flowing hair.

JACK—Have you thought about surgery?

(JACK covers his eyes with his hand and keeps them covered throughout the
following.)

DUNCAN—You want to see it, eh? (DUNCAN goes through his pockets,
looking for the telegram.) Wait a second… I’ll get it out… Oh, damn, now I
can’t find it…

JACK—You can’t find it?

DUNCAN—Just give me a second…

JACK—And you call it a big surprise?

DUNCAN—Here it is. I found it. (He pulls out the telegram and holds it up.
But JACK is still hiding his eyes.) There. Do you see it?

JACK—No.
DUNCAN—You’re not looking.

JACK—I can’t.

DUNCAN—At least look at the signature.

JACK—It’s signed?

DUNCAN—Of course it’s signed! How else would you know where it came
from?!

(BING BONG! The front door bell rings.)

DUNCAN—It’s them. I know it is. Ha! Here! Keep it as a souvenir!

JACK—A souvenir…?
(DUNCAN stuffs the telegram into JACKS hand and EXITS. JACK hurries over
to the screen to talk to LEO who isn’t there, of course—when DOC ENTERS.
JACK puts the telegram into his sleeve and forgets about it.)

DOC—Hello, gorgeous.

JACK—Ah! Oh, Doctor, it’s you. I just had the most awful experience!

DOC—Oh, you poor thing. You poor baby. You’re upset, I can tell. Now you
just sit down. Just tell your doctor aaaaaall about it.

(DOC starts making love to JACK, stroking his hair and cheek.)

JACK—…What are you doing?

DOC—Am I doing something?

JACK—Yes, now stop it.

DOC—Stop it, she says. Stop it. Ha! Can I have a kiss?

JACK—No!

DOC—Ouch! Give me that hand! Oh, you have such interesting hands. For
the record, I do electrolysis.

(DOC really goes after STEPHANIE, who wriggles away and starts crawling
across the floor.)

JACK—Hey! Would you stop that! Stop it! Just-just-just- That’s personal
property!

DOC—Who said “Don’t take no for an answer?”

JACK—I have no idea.

DOC—“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.”

JACK—I think you’ve had too much punch.

DOC—You can’t deny it. You feel just as I do! It was all there, in your letter.

JACK—My letter?

DOC—“Take me. Ravish me. Enter my house!”

JACK—Leo! Come out already! It’s time to come out!.... Oh, no. The screen!
There’s nobody behind the screen!

(He drags STEPHANIE behind the screen.)

JACK—No!
DOC—Please! Darling. Stephanie. I’m on my knees. (He realizes he’s not,
so he drops to his knees and takes JACKS hand.) Marry me.

(At this moment, BUTCH and AUDREY burst into the room having a fight.)

BUTCH—I can’t believe you want to break up!

AUDREY—Butch I’m really sorry!

BUTCH—It’s another guy, isn’t it? I could have other girls, you know. Father
wants me to marry Stephanie. And look at her! She’s beautiful! Maybe I
should marry her!

JACK—No, I really don’t think—(BUTCH kisses JACK.) YAHHHH!!

DOC—Butch, listen to me. I know this may hurt you a little, but Stephanie
and I are in love.

JACK—We are?

BUTCH—Father! You can’t have her! She’s mine now!

DOC—She wants me, Butch. Not you!

(And DOC kisses JACK.)

JACK—YAAAH!... Would you two stop it!

(JACK runs around the room pursued by DOC, BUTCH and AUDREY.)

DOC—Stephanie, darling, come back!

BUTCH—Hey, leave her alone! She’s mine!

AUDREY—Butch, wait!... Butch!

(They all run out of the room. As soon as they’re gone, LEO ENTERS as
MAXINE—just as MEG ENTERS from the other direction. She’s extremely
upset.)

MEG—Oh, Maxine! Where have you been?! I need to talk to you!

LEO—My dear, what’s the matter?

MEG—I need your advice! I don’t know what to do!

LEO—Now, now, just calm down and start at the beginning. And whatever it
is: Follow your heart. It’s always the way.

MEG—All right. It’s about Leo. You know how well I’ve gotten to know him
over the past few weeks and oh, I just think the world of him. He’s gentle,
and thoughtful, and…
LEO—Kind and handsome. Go on, go on.

MEG—Well, tonight, while I was dancing with him, he… kissed me. And when
he did something totally unexpected happened. Inside me. And I realized,
while I was kissing him… oh, I don’t know how to say this.

LEO—Try, try.

MEG—Oh, I can’t do it!

LEO—Margaret, tell me right now.

MEG—….All right. (They sit together on the sofa.) While I was kissing him, I
was… thinking about you. (She leans amorously into MAXINE.) Maxine, I
think I’m in love with you.

(Pause.)

LEO—You are not! Oh, darling you’re just confused. I mean, of course Leo
and I are similar in some ways…

MEG—Like two halves of the same apple! I mean, do I love him at all? Yes of
course I do. He’s funny and kind and…

LEO—Sexy?

MEG—Well I guess a little bit. But the thing is, I love you more! I wouldn’t
have dared say anything, but I know you feel the same way. I know it. I can
see it sometimes when you look at me. Sort of cross eyed with your mouth
hanging open.

LEO—No, that’s just me.

MEG—You don’t love me, do you?

LEO—Of course I love you—

MEG—But not the same way.

LEO—Well not exactly—

MEG—Oh, Maxine, I shouldn’t have told you. I should just marry Duncan.

LEO—No, you shouldn’t!

MEG—I’ll never mention it again.

LEO—Mention it, please—

MEG—I am so sorry!

(She kisses MAXINE on the cheek and MEG runs up the stairs and into her
room.)

LEO—No. Meg, wait—! Wait!

(She’s gone. At which point JACK ENTERS still dressed up as STEPHANIE, but
completely disheveled.)

JACK—Where the hell were you! you weren’t there! Behind the screen! And
I was attacked!

LEO—By Duncan?

JACK—No! By Doctor Lust, Monster of Medicine. He thought the letter was

for him.

LEO—Why?

JACK—How should I know! Duncan must have thought I was insane.

LEO—Did he try anything?

JACK—No he stuffed a telegram in my hand. Maybe, for a minister, that’s

foreplay.

LEO—What telegram? Do you still have it?

JACK—I guess… Yes, here it is.

LEO—“Will arrive at eight fifteen tonight. Stop.”

JACK—“Maxine and Stephanie.”

LEO & JACK—…..YAHHHHH!!

LEO—Eight fifteen! That’s in five minutes! What do we do?!

JACK—Get the hell out of here!

LEO—But I can’t leave Meg.

JACK—Forget about Meg! We’re about to get arrested as women! They’d

put us in a woman’s prison. With female truck drivers with tight t-shirts and
tattoos!... Well, maybe that’s not so bad…

LEO—Wait a second. If we’re men, we’re in the clear.

JACK—What do you mean?

LEO—When the girls arrive, everybody will be looking for the first Maxine and
Stephanie. So we have to change and become Leo and Jack again!

JACK—Good idea.
DUNCAN—(Off.) Florence, just don’t ask questions.

LEO & JACK—…..Duncan

(They hide under the stairs , as DUNCAN ENTERS at a run from the garden,
pulling FLORENCE along with him.)

DUNCAN—Oh, damn, I thought I saw them in here.

FLORENCE—Duncan, what are you doing?!

DUNCAN—All right, listen. The women you know as Maxine and Stephanie
are frauds. The real ones are arriving tonight.

FLORENCE—How do you know?

DUNCAN—A telegram just arrived. And there was one before that.

FLORENCE—Let me see them.

DUNCAN—I don’t have them right now.

FLORENCE—Oh, please—

DUNCAN—It’s the truth!

(Bing, bong! The front doorbell rings.)

DUNCAN—It’s them. It has to be. Come on!

FLORENCE—Ah!

(DUNCAN pulls FLORENCE off at breakneck speed. As soon as DUNCAN and

FLORENCE are gone, LEO and JACK some out of hiding. Simultaneously, MEG
ENTERS from her bedroom, at the top of the stairs. She sees the men from
above, but they don’t see her.)

JACK—Oh! Just look at us! Two grown men dressed as women!

(Both men pull off their wigs. MEG reels backward against the wall, then
clings onto the banister, peering down through the rails.)

JACK—I’m wearing a dress! And a petticoat! And lace knickers! With little
flowers on them! I think they’re peonies!

(AUDREY now ENTERS from down the hall. She starts to say something to
MEG, but MEG silences her and points over the balcony to the men below.)

JACK—If my mother ever saw me like this, I’d kill myself!

(AUDREY takes it in—and swoons into MEG’s arms. MEG pushes her back to
her feet.)

JACK—Oh, how did I ever let you talk me into this?

LEO—You weren’t complaining for the last four weeks, while you were
slobbering over Audrey.

JACK—Well what about you? if I hadn’t gone along with all this, you wouldn’t
have met Meg.

LEO—Well that’s true. Except now she says she’s attracted to Maxine.

JACK—Attracted?

LEO—Attracted.

(AUDREY turns and looks at MEG… then inches away from her.)

JACK—But you’re not even pretty as a girl.

LEO—Look who’s talking!

JACK—Well, I can’t be too bad, because two men just kissed me on the lips!

(The women react.)

LEO—Look, that’s not the point! The point is, I’m in love with Meg. She is
the greatest woman that ever walked this earth. I don’t care if she is slow, I
don’t care if she’s gullible, I don’t even mind that squint she has in the one
eye. I’m in love with her.

JACK—Gee, that’s really nice, it’s a lovely thought, I know just how you feel
BUT I NEED MY CLOTHES!
LEO—All right, all right! Come on. We’ll both change, then fid the girls and
tell them everything. But we have to do it just right, because this whole
thing makes them look really, really stupid.

(The men EXIT and the women head down the stairs.)

MEG—(Beyond furious—ready to eat nails.) I’ll kill him. I’m going to kill him!

AUDREY—I think we should kill all four of them!... Oh. I get it, I get it.

MEG—Unh!

AUDREY—But, you, know, when I think about all they’ve been going through
just to spend a little time with us. I’m incredulous. That means…

MEG—Shut up!
AUDREY—Yeah! I’m gonna shut up now.

MEG—I can’t believe I shared a room with him for four weeks! (A horrible
thought suddenly strikes her.) Oh my. He saw me in my…… curlers!! (She’s
seething now.) Revenge. I want revenge!

(MEG EXITS in a fury into the garden.)

AUDREY—(Calling.) Yeah! Me, too!

(At which moment, JACK hurries in from the kitchen, dressed as himself.)

JACK—Audrey!

AUDREY—Jack!

JACK—Listen. There is something I have to tell you.

AUDREY—Well, I have something to—!

JACK—Please don’t interrupt. (He takes a breath and it all pours out.) I did
something terrible. It all started about a month ago. Leo and I were on a
train.

(AUDREY reacts as if to say “no kidding”)

JACK—Well you know that. And we read about Florence dying and leaving
her money to Max and Steve. And by this time I had met you and all I
wanted to do was take you in my arms. But then you told us her nephews
were Maxine and Stephanie, and you see we’re actors and we had these
costumes and so.. well the fact is, we dressed up as women!

AUDREY—No!

JACK—Yes! I was that beautiful creature. Stephanie. It was me.

AUDREY—Wow!

JACK—I know, but I didn’t mean to make you look stupid. I—I did it because
of your thighs. I mean your eyes. I wanted to be with every inch of you.
Your lips. Your forehead. And I wanted your bust. I mean your trust. And I
wanted a home so badly. A real home with a picket fence, and a gate, and
little Audreys skating to school every morning. And so I lay my soul at your
feet and I ask—nay, I beg—your forgiveness. (He kneels before her.)
Audrey, will you marry me?

AUDREY—You are the most abominable, loathsome, obnoxious, vile,

detestable man I have ever met! And of course I’ll marry you! You just had
to ask! Now give us a hug!

(She grabs him, they hug and run off. The moment they’re gone LEO and
MEG ENTER from opposite directions. LEO is now in his suit, as LEO. MEG
plays it cool, enjoying her revenge to the hilt.)

LEO—Meg!

MEG—Leo, listen to me. I have to talk to you!

LEO—Well, I have something to tell you, too.

MEG—Let me go first, its important. After I left you on the dance floor, I went
to see Maxine. I was confused, and oh, I said some things, but while I was
with her she gave me some very good advice. She told me that I should
follow my heart. So I’m marrying Duncan tomorrow morning.

LEO—Huh?

MEG— That’s what she meant. She wants me to marry him.

LEO— That’s not what she meant!

MEG—Leo. Thank you for everything. Good bye.

(She kisses him sadly on the cheek and starts to go. She has to do this, but
now it’s breaking her heart.)

LEO—No! Wait! Look, look, look! Wait, wait! Look! Wait! Look! I’ll go find
Maxine and she’ll tell you exactly what she thinks.

MEG—I’m sorry, Leo.

LEO—Please. Please! Just one more chance! Let her talk to you! Please!

MEG—….All right. I’ll give her one minute to come in here. And if she isn’t
here by then I’m marrying Duncan. Oh, and I want you to be here too. You
and Maxine together. Then we’ll get it all straightened out.
LEO—Together?

MEG—That’s right.

LEO—Together! Right! One minute! Me and Leo. Me and Maxine! I’ll find
her. (He dashes off through the garden. Off:)

(At the moment, DUNCAN and FLORENCE ENTER from the hall.)

DUNCAN—Margaret! We’ve been looking all over for you. I’m afraid I have
some rather distressing news.

FLORENCE—Don’t listen to him! He’s an idiot.

DUNCAN—Florence, please. Margaret, I now have conclusive proof that the

two women who have been here for the past four weeks posing as Maxine
and Stephanie are not your cousins.

MEG—(Sadly.) I know that, Duncan.

DUNCAN—You do? how?

MEG—It doesn’t matter.

DUNCAN—Oh. Well, I do have some good news. Your real cousins have just
arrived. They’re in the garden.

FLORENCE—And I don’t particularly like them!

DUNCAN—That’s not the point! And Meg. Listen, I’ve spoken to them and
they’re willing to take only $100,000 each. We’ll have the rest for the
Foundation! Now as soon as the police arrive, this will all be over.

MEG—(Alarmed.) The police? What for?

DUNCAN—To arrest Maxine and Stephanie. That is, the supposed ones.

FLORENCE—I told him not to do it!

DUNCAN—Florence, they have deceived you.

FLORENCE—But I like them, Duncan!

DUNCAN—Well I’m sorry, but they have broken the law! They have made a
mockery of your entire household and they should not be rewarded for
their……theatrical behavior. So typical of actors, it’s always me, me, me,
look at me!

(At this moment, we hear the whine of a siren as a police car screeches to a
halt in the driveway.)

DUNCAN—Oh, good! Now all I have to do is find them and hand them over.
MEG—Duncan! Wait! I saw one of them in the front yard! Just now!

DUNCAN—I’ll be right back!

(He runs off. The moment he’s gone. LEO hurries in dressed as MAXINE, but
slightly askew, since everything has been pulled on in such a hurry.)

LEO—Darling girl, there you are! Now listen, you misunderstood me. I want
you to marry Leo, that divine young man—and he’s right outside. (Calling.)
Come in, darling!... What?! What’s that you said?! (To MEG.) Oh, no! He’s
hurt his leg! I’ll send him in. you stay right there.

MEG—Leo—

(He runs off and now plays both parts, putting his head around the door as
necessary.)
LEO—(Off—as LEO.) Meg, I’m right out here! I’ve hurt my leg and I can’t
come in! (Off—as MAXINE.) Of course you can, jut put a little weight on it.
(Off—as LEO.) Ow, that really hurts!

(He pops his head around the door, without the wig and with his jacket on, as
LEO. The more he can pop in and out as the two characters and make this a
tour de farce, as in “The Mystery of Irma Vep” and other similar plays, the
better. It should build to a fever pitch.)

LEO—(As LEO.) Here I am, Meg! Now Maxine says you should marry me—but
I’ve hurt my leg so I’ll let her do all the talking. Bye!

MEG—Leo—

LEO—(Off—as MAXINE.) Oh you brave young man! Of course she should

marry you and not Duncan! (Off – as LEO.) Then go inside and tell her! (Off
—as MAXINE.) I’ll do it right now!

MEG—Leo—!

(He runs back on as MAXINE.)

LEO—I’m right here. Here I am! Now Meg, you really must marry Leo. He’s
such a lovely boy, and so handsome and—

MEG—Leo, stop it!

LEO—Leo? (Beat; then he calls through the door: ) Leo, she’s talking to you
so listen carefully!

MEG—Would you please just stop it! I know it’s you! I know you’re Leo! And
that Stephanie is Jack! I know everything!

LEO—You do?
MEG—Yes! Now get out of here, fast. The police are here!

LEO—But I can’t leave you.

MEG—You have to! You’ll be arrested!

LEO—Meg, I love you.

MEG—I know that! And I love you!

LEO—You do?

MEG—Yes.

LEO—Will you marry me?

MEG—Yes!
(He’s about to kiss her, but stops abruptly.)

LEO—Wait! I came here to take your money.

MEG—I know that!

(They kiss. Another great kiss.)

FLORENCE—If I were you, I’d get the hell out of here.

LEO—(To FLORENCE.)Aren’t you even a little surprised?

FLORENCE—Why? Because I’m old? Now listen carefully. Old; smart.

Young; nitwits. Now go!

LEO—Right.

(LEO puts his wig on and rushes to the garden doors—and runs straight into
DUNCAN.)

DUNCAN—Aha! Gotcha!

MEG—Oh, no.

(Beat—then LEO transforms himself right back into MAXINE.)

LEO—Duncan. My dear old friend. How delightful to see you again. “Ah, the
friends thou hast, grapple them to thy soul with hopes of steel.”

DUNCAN—How very apt. Because you’re under arrest.

(JACK enters.)

JACK—Hey, what’s going on?

MEG—Duncan, let her go!

DUNCAN—I will not! She’s a fraud!

MEG—But wait a second! What if she’s the real one and eh ones outside
aren’t genuine?

DUNCAN—Margaret, please. You admitted she was a fraud, not five minutes
ago. You may like this creature, but your real cousins are in the garden
waiting for you!

(From the garden, we hear voices and gunshots.)(Siren)SFX

A SECOND WOMAN’S VOICE—(Off.) Get away from me! Do you hear me?!
A MAN’S VOICE—(Off.) You’re under arrest!

(AUDREY rushes in from the garden, with BUTCH and DOC trailing behind.
They’re crazed with excitement.)

AUDREY—Oh mygosh! The most incredible thing just happened! I’m out
there talking to these two women, and they tell me their names are Maxine
and Stephanie. And my jaw, it hits the floor, ya know?! Then out of the blue
two policemen show up and then whamo! They take one look at these
women and go “Aha! Trixie McCall! Bubbles Schaeffer! Hands up!” then
the girls make a run for it, and the policemen knock ’em down! It turns out
the girls are well known crooks! They sent the telegram and pretended to be
your nieces just to get your money! Can you imagine?!

LEO—Oh, this wicked, wicked world.

DUNCAN—Oh, no.

MEG—Duncan. I believe you owe “Maxine” an apology.

LEO—No, no, please. Don’t. We all make mistakes. It is forgiveness that

makes the world a better place. Reverend Wooley got a little confused, and
don’t we all sometimes?

MEG—Yes, we do.

AUDREY—Yeah. Tell me about it. Hey Jack.

(She kisses JACK on the lips. A great kiss.)

DUNCAN—Audrey!

LEO—Now it’s our turn.

(MAXINE kisses MEG.)

DUNCAN—Margaret!!!!

MEG—Oh, stop it. We should tell him the truth.

DUNCAN—Tell me what?!

LEO—(As MAXINE.) Margaret and I are getting married!

Curtain.

END OF PLAY