Solved Episode 01

Your
Values
Guide
 Introduction

Introduction
Eight years ago, I wrote a book called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck:
A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life.

The book was a Trojan horse. It promised profanity-laced calm and

relief, but in actuality it was a book about values. What do you give an
“F” about? What is worth giving an “F” about?

The book struck a nerve. It’s sold over 17 million copies, reached #1 in
thirteen different countries, and spent over 320 weeks on the New York
Times bestseller list.

And I believe it broke through all the noise for a simple reason. No, not
the F-Bombs (most of the translations did not have profanity in the title
and it still reached #1 in those countries). The book broke through
because it addressed the central existential question of the 21st
century:

In a world of infinite information and opportunity, knowing what to

give an ‘F’ about—that is, what to value or prioritize—is potentially
more difficult than it’s ever been before.

And this is a huge problem. Because, as we’ll see in this episode, living
up to your own values is possibly the most important component of
stable mental health and sustained happiness in life. When you lack
clarity on what’s important, or feel as though you are constantly being
forced to split attention between what’s important and what’s not, then
you feel stuck—as though movement in any direction leads to the same

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 Introduction

place: drowning in stimulation, all of which seems both life-and-death

important, and completely banal, all at once.

The goal of this guide (and podcast episode) is to help you navigate
through the sea of noise to find what truly matters to you, and then
dedicate your life to it in a healthy way.

And should you do this, it will have massive benefits in your day-to-day
existence. Decades of research demonstrate that people who discover
and embody their values experience:

●​ Less Stress, More Peace: Living true to your values reduces

internal conflict and stress, leading to better mental health and
even a calmer physiological stress response​.1​

●​ Greater Resilience and Emotional Stability: Your values provide

an emotional anchor, making you more resilient in the face of
adversity and contributing to a more stable, balanced emotional
life​.2​

●​ Meaningful Happiness: Following your values boosts life

satisfaction by infusing your life with meaning and purpose. You’re
happier when you pursue what you find meaningful, rather than

1
Creswell JD, Welch WT, Taylor SE, Sherman DK, Gruenewald TL, Mann T. Affirmation of personal
values buffers neuroendocrine and psychological stress responses. Psychol Sci. 2005
Nov;16(11):846-51
2
Ceary, Chris & Donahue, John & Shaffer, Katharine. (2019). The Strength of Pursuing Your Values:
Valued Living as a Path to Resilience among College Students. Stress and Health. 35.

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 Introduction

external definitions of success​.3​

●​ Mental Clarity: When your actions match your beliefs, you

experience less mental friction. This cognitive alignment leads to
clearer thinking and more confident decision-making, without the
fog of regret or self-doubt​.​

●​ Better Relationships: Living authentically according to your

values fosters trust and understanding in relationships. It
encourages healthy interactions and attracts people who respect
you for who you are, leading to stronger social connections​.4​

●​ More Motivation and Drive: Values give you a powerful why. They
ignite your internal motivation and help you stick to your goals,
making it more likely that you’ll achieve outcomes that truly
satisfy you​.

Ultimately, our values matter because we all feel torn between our own
desires and needs and the expectations placed upon us by society.
Getting clarity on our values and aligning ourselves to them is the
easiest way to resolve this anxiety and live in a meaningful and
impactful way within the world.

3
Bayly B, Bumpus MF. Predictors and Implications of Values Clarity in First-Year College Students.
Coll Stud J. 2020 Mar 15;53(4):397-404.
4
Gómez-López M, Viejo C, Ortega-Ruiz R. Well-Being and Romantic Relationships: A Systematic
Review in Adolescence and Emerging Adulthood. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2019 Jul
7;16(13):2415.

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Introduction

This PDF is meant as a companion to the Solved Podcast episode

on Values. For elaboration, discussion, and examples of the
concepts here, please listen to the episode in its entirety. And, if
you’d like a set of daily actions you can take to implement these
concepts—that’s exactly what we do inside my community
Momentum. You can learn more about it here.

There is a lot to digest here. But if you take the time to work
through it and integrate it into your life, it can be utterly
transformative. ​
​
But I have to warn you, there is a lot of difficult introspection that
comes along with this. No one got clear on their deepest core
values under a beach umbrella. Chances are, you will have to ask
yourself some uncomfortable questions.

But that’s good. That discomfort is how you know you are growing.

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 Contents

Table of Contents
Why Your Values Matter​ 7
Beyond Happiness​ 8
Three Common Problems Related to Values​ 12
What Are Values?​ 15
Defining Values: Six Characteristics​ 18
Trying On New Values​ 21
The Values Wheel​ 21
Terminal vs. Instrumental Values​ 25
What Are Good Values?​ 28
Values and Psychological Well-Being​ 28
Aristotle’s Theory of Virtue and Balance​ 33
Values and Your Relationships​ 36
Having Shared Values Doesn't Necessarily Mean Having Identical
Values​ 36
Values are What You’re Actually Arguing About​ 37
The Relationship Values Hierarchy​ 37
Your Relationship Reveals What You Really Value​ 38
Values Drift (And Why People Grow Apart)​ 38
Love Is Empty Without Respect​ 39
Where Do Our Values Come From?​ 41
The Grid-Group Framework: Four Types of Social Values​ 43
The Nature Argument: Moral Foundations Theory​ 49
Balancing Cultural Values at the Societal Level— Plato’s Republic
Revisited​ 54
Determining Your Core Values​ 57

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 Contents

The Desert Island Exercise​ 57

The Eulogy Perspective​ 59
Frustration as a Clue​ 59
Ranking and Prioritizing​ 60
The Value Hierarchy​ 62
Choosing Your Struggle​ 64
Socrates Chose Death​ 65
The Real Test of Values​ 70
How Do You Change Your Values?​ 72
Cognitive Dissonance​ 73
Self-Confrontation​ 77
The Impact of Trauma and Tragedy on Values​ 78
Charlie Munger’s Maxim​ 81
How to Develop Practical Wisdom​ 85
Self-Awareness: Aligning Behavior with Values​ 87
Emotional Regulation: Keeping Emotions Aligned with Values​ 89
Strong Relationships: The Social Pressure of Higher Wisdom​ 92
Non-Judgment and Self-Acceptance: The Foundation for Growth​ 94
Conclusion​ 98
The 80/20 of Values​ 98
Real-Life Benefits of Value Alignment​ 100

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 Why Your Values Matter

Why Your Values Matter

Why all this navel-gazing about values? What’s the point?

Most people believe they are trying to be happy—which usually means

feeling good all of the time. This is a trap. It's a trap because most of
what we think of as happiness is quick-hit dopamine fixes and highs
derived from exciting or validating experiences.

Basically… what we experience as “happiness” is largely superficial and

short-lived. Not a great way to live your life.

The truth is, most people aren’t unhappy because they’re doing the
wrong thing—they’re unhappy because they’re doing it for the wrong
reasons.

This is why values are foundational to living a meaningful and

well-directed life. Modern psychology has increasingly recognized that
well-being is not just about feeling good or being happy, but about
living in line with one’s values and purpose.5

To live an enriching and fulfilling life, you need to live out what you care
about, which demands that you sometimes give up your own pleasure
and happiness for what you value.

This is where you get the paradox that a true deep sense of happiness
requires some degree of struggle and sacrifice. And deciding what
you're willing to struggle and sacrifice for is determined by your values.

5
Klussman K, Curtin N, Langer J, Nichols AL. The Importance of Awareness, Acceptance, and
Alignment With the Self: A Framework for Understanding Self-Connection. Eur J Psychol. 2022 Feb
25;18(1):120-131.

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 Why Your Values Matter

By contrast, when you don't know what value you're suffering for, then
suffering feels meaningless.

Life feels pointless, even cruel. All this suffering—and for what?

Beyond Happiness
The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle, in the Nicomachean Ethics,
wrote that there were two “forms” of happiness—hedonia and
eudaimonia.6

Hedonia can be loosely thought of as pleasure—a nice cold beer on a

hot day, a back rub, watching your favorite sports team win a big match.
It’s nice but it’s transitory. Hedonic pleasure is usually rooted in lower
values—dopamine hits and status boosts and temporary moments of
satisfaction that are gone just as quickly as they arrive.

Aristotle’s second form of happiness, eudaimonia, was what we would

consider as something like “fulfillment” or “meaning.” Eudaimonia not
only cannot be easily accessed, but in some cases, you need to sacrifice
something to achieve it. Another way to think about it is that eudaimonia
is living within your higher values by sacrificing your lower values. These
include the sacrifices you make for your friends, the time and effort you
put into a project you care about, or the willingness to help a family
member in a tough spot. These experiences aren’t pleasurable, but they
are the sorts of things that we look back afterward and feel a sense of
pride and satisfaction in ourselves that no bout of pleasure could ever
give us.

6
Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, trans. W. D. Ross, in The Complete Works of Aristotle, ed. Jonathan
Barnes (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1984), X.1, 1172a.

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 Why Your Values Matter

Up until the 1980s, traditional psychology typically measured happiness

in terms of what Aristotle would call hedonia—the presence and
quantity of positive emotions.

But in the 1980s, psychologist Carol Ryff brought the Aristotelian view
back. In a landmark study, Ryff found that prevailing measures of
happiness neglected crucial aspects of positive functioning.7

Ryff showed that someone could have positive emotions yet lack
purpose or personal growth—which means they might be “happy” in a
shallow sense but not truly fulfilled.8 Her research demonstrated that
living according to one’s deeper values is critical for well-being, even if it
doesn’t always make you “happy” in the short term. Eudaimonia, as it
turns out, really is more important to happiness.

In everyday life, this means that aligning your actions with your values
can provide a stable form of long-term satisfaction. For example, if one
of your core values is family, investing time in your family relationships
will likely bring a deep sense of fulfillment, even if it’s sometimes
challenging or doesn’t make you happy every moment. If another value
is creativity, pursuing a creative project may involve stress or effort, but
ultimately leads to feeling alive and true to yourself. Ryff’s insight is
that these value-driven pursuits contribute hugely to psychological
well-being, often more than transient pleasures do.

Another famous psychologist, Roy Baumeister, also began researching

values and their importance for long-term happiness around the same
7
Ryff, C. D. (1989). Happiness Is Everything, or Is It? Explorations on the Meaning of Psychological
Well-Being.
8
Ryff C. D. (2014). Psychological well-being revisited: advances in the science and practice of
eudaimonia. Psychotherapy and psychosomatics, 83(1), 10–28.

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 Why Your Values Matter

time. In Baumeister’s words, people need to feel their life fits into some
broader purpose—that their actions are serving what they believe is
right.9

For instance, a person might endure hardship at a job because they

value helping others and believe their work as a nurse or teacher
matters morally. This sense of serving a value gives their life meaning,
even if the day-to-day work is hard. Baumeister found that those who
align their lives with personal or societal values—whether it’s religious
faith, humanitarian ideals, or personal principles—tend to report higher
meaning in life. In contrast, if someone’s life feels out of sync with their
values (say, working in a corrupt industry while valuing honesty), they
often experience emptiness or distress despite material comforts.

Baumeister also highlighted how values guide self-regulation and

long-term fulfillment. According to self-regulation theory, having clear
values is the first step in controlling one’s behavior.10

Since then, psychology has found that aligning our actions and values is
one of the most important components of mental health, period. Living
according to your values can act like a built-in stress reducer for your
mind and body. When you make choices that honor your core beliefs,
you experience less internal conflict.11

9
Baumeister, R. F. (1991). Meanings of life. Guilford Press.
10
Baumeister, R. F., & Vohs, K. D. (2016). Strength model of self-regulation as limited resource:
Assessment, controversies, update. In M. P. Zanna & J. Olson (Eds.), Advances in Experimental Social
Psychology (Vol. 54, pp. 67–127). Academic Press.
11
Creswell JD, Welch WT, Taylor SE, Sherman DK, Gruenewald TL, Mann T. Affirmation of personal
values buffers neuroendocrine and psychological stress responses. Psychol Sci. 2005
Nov;16(11):846-51.

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 Why Your Values Matter

Research has found that when people pursue goals or activities that
reflect their true values, they tend to experience fewer symptoms of
anxiety and depression over time​.12

When your actions match your beliefs, you experience less mental
friction. This cognitive alignment leads to clearer thinking and more
confident decision-making, without the fog of regret or self-doubt​.

Also, living authentically according to your values fosters trust and

understanding in relationships. It encourages healthy interactions and
attracts people who respect you for who you are, leading to stronger
social connections.13

And if that wasn’t enough, values give you a powerful why. They ignite
your internal motivation and help you stick to your goals, making it more
likely that you’ll achieve outcomes that truly satisfy you​.

In summary, values are like the North Star for meaning and self-control:
they help answer “What’s it all for?” and thereby empower us to manage
our lives more effectively.

Three Common Problems Related to Values

While values are clearly important, many of us struggle with them in
practice. Three common problems are:​

12
Ceary, Chris & Donahue, John & Shaffer, Katharine. (2019). The Strength of Pursuing Your Values:
Valued Living as a Path to Resilience among College Students. Stress and Health. 35.
13
Bayly B, Bumpus MF. Predictors and Implications of Values Clarity in First-Year College Students.
Coll Stud J. 2020 Mar 15;53(4):397-404.

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 Why Your Values Matter

1.​ Lack of Clarity about One’s Values: It’s not unusual to go through
life without ever explicitly identifying what your core values are.
You might feel vaguely unsatisfied or directionless, drifting
through life like a plastic bag in the breeze, not realizing that you
haven’t articulated what truly matters to you. ​
​
Psychology calls this a lack of values clarity. Research shows that
low values clarity is associated with a sense of aimlessness and
lack of motivation. In contrast, gaining clarity about your values
often provides direction and motivation.14 ​

2.​ Failure to Live Up to One’s Values: Another common issue is

knowing your values, but struggling to live by them consistently.
For example, you might strongly value honesty, but find yourself
telling lies at work because of pressure, and then feel guilty. Or
you value kindness, but lose your temper and hurt loved ones.​
​
Persistent failure to live up to values can harm self-esteem and
well-being, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy. It’s
important to remember that everyone slips up at times. Building
skills in self-regulation and emotional management (discussed in
later sections) can help you better live by your values and minimize
these painful gaps between ideals and actions.​

3.​ Overinvestment in One Value at the Expense of Others: A more

subtle problem is when a person holds one particular value so
tightly that other important values get neglected. Values do not
exist in isolation—each of us has a set of values, and life often
14
Eccles, J. S., & Wigfield, A. (2002). Motivational beliefs, values, and goals. Annual Review of
Psychology, 53(1), 109–132. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.53.100901.135153

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 Why Your Values Matter

requires balancing them. If one value grows extreme or rigid, it can

become destructive. ​
​
In moral philosophy, Aristotle warned of this when he described
virtue as a golden mean between extremes: too much or too little
of any good quality becomes a vice.15 ​
​
Balance is crucial. A person who values generosity also needs
prudence so they don’t give beyond their means. A society that
values freedom must also care about justice to remain stable and
secure. ​
​
Later, we will discuss Aristotle’s and Schwartz’s frameworks more,
but the takeaway here is: a well-rounded value system is healthier
than an obsessive focus on only one value. If you find that one
priority in your life (e.g., career success) is eclipsing everything
else you care about, well, then it may be time to step back and
reevaluate.​

In summary, values matter profoundly because they are tied to our

sense of self, meaning, and well-being. Research by Ryff, and
Baumeister, and others, shows that a life aligned with personal values is
psychologically richer and more satisfying.

But the question then becomes, what are our values? And how do we
figure them out?

15
Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, trans. W. D. Ross, in The Complete Works of Aristotle, ed. Jonathan
Barnes (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1984), II.5, 1106b

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 What Are Values?

What Are Values?

At first glance, defining “values” seems straightforward—we might say
“family is a value of mine” or “I value loyalty.”

But in psychology, it’s important to distinguish values from other

concepts like needs or preferences. So let’s take a minute to get really
clear on what exactly a value is. And why it matters.

Values are “beliefs about trans-situational goals, varying in importance,

that serve as guiding principles in the life of a person or group.”16

In simpler terms, a value is a belief that something is good or desirable

and worth striving for, regardless of context or circumstance.

Values tend to be general and abstract (e.g., freedom, justice,

compassion, security). They serve as criteria or standards for judging
actions—both our own and others’.17 If you value honesty, you will feel
that people should be honest and you will try to act accordingly,
regardless of whether you’re at work, at home, with friends, or with
strangers.

Needs typically refer to innate or fundamental requirements for survival

or well-being. For example, the need for food, water, and sleep

16
Schwartz, S. H. (2012). An Overview of the Schwartz Theory of Basic Values.Online Readings in
Psychology and Culture, 2(1).
17
Understanding values: Schwartz theory of basic values. (2022, May 16). Integration and
Implementation Insights.

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 What Are Values?

(physiological needs), or the need for belonging and respect

(psychological needs). Needs are often based on deprivation—if a need
isn’t met, we experience discomfort or drive until it is satisfied. Values,
on the other hand, are more about what we ideally desire or find
important, not necessarily tied to biological or psychological
deprivation. You can value honesty, but if you lack honesty in your life,
while you might be miserable, you will still be able to function.

Needs are just that: necessary. Without them, your brain falls apart.
Values are what you care about once your needs are met, and they often
dictate how you go about meeting your needs. You need to have
relationships and you value honesty—therefore, you seek out honest
relationships.

One way to think about it is that our values are strategies to consistently
meet our needs. And depending on our personality traits, physical traits,
environment, and upbringing, we will naturally devise different
strategies to meet the same universal needs.

Someone who is introverted and has obscure interests may satisfy their
need for belonging by highly valuing loyalty to a small group of
long-term friends. Whereas someone who is highly extroverted with a
wide range of friends and interests may value adventure instead.

Values are, at some level, chosen. Needs are not. Values can change.
Needs cannot. Values answer the question, “Who am I and who do I want
to become?” Needs answer the question, “What do I need to survive?”

While all needs are values, not all values are needs.

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 What Are Values?

Preferences are lighter and more interchangeable than values. A

preference is a liking for one option rather than another in a specific
context: “I prefer tea over coffee”, or “I prefer working in the morning
rather than at night.”

Preferences often refer to matters of taste or convenience, and they can

change relatively easily or be situation-dependent. In contrast, values
are deeply held and not easily changed (people don’t usually flip their
stance on equality or justice overnight).

Another difference: preferences typically carry little moral weight.

Preferring tea over coffee isn’t about right or wrong—it’s a personal
choice with no ethical implication.

Values, however, do carry a sense of moral or personal importance. They

involve judgments about what is good, right, or important in life. If you
“prefer” honesty, that’s actually more than a preference—it’s a value,
because you likely feel that honesty is the right way to be.

To put it all together imagine you need to make a career decision. You
might have a need for financial security, a preference for living in a big
city, and a value of autonomy. All three could factor into your career
choice. Needs might push you toward a stable job offer, preferences
might make you lean toward the job in your favorite city, but your core
value of autonomy might draw you to a job that allows you some
freedom to operate without a large corporate hierarchy. Understanding
these differences can help clarify why we often feel internally
conflicted about major life decisions. Part of personal growth is learning

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 What Are Values?

to prioritize and reconcile these aspects and sort through them as we go

through life (more on that in the Practical Wisdom section below).

Defining Values: Six Characteristics

Values have been a central concept in sociology and related fields since
the early 20th century. Classic sociologists like Émile Durkheim and
Max Weber viewed values as crucial for explaining social order and
change​. By mid-century, psychologists Gordon Allport and Philip Vernon
(1931) introduced values into personality theory, seeing them as
fundamental motivations or “dominating forces” in a person’s life​.18

But the most prominent framework for values in psychology came from
Shalom Schwartz in the 1980s and 90s. In his framework, he said values
have six characteristics:19

1.​ Are linked to emotion. People feel strongly about what they value.
When a value is activated, it is infused with feeling. For instance,
someone who values independence will feel anxious if their
freedom is threatened, helpless if they cannot protect it, and
happy when they can fully exercise it. In this sense, our values are,
in many ways, extensions of ourselves (more on that below). ​

2.​ Motivate action. Values inspire not only your goals, but the pursuit
of them, as well. Those who prioritize social order, justice, or

18
Cieciuch, J., & Schwartz, S. H. (2017). Values. In Springer eBooks (pp. 1–5).
19
Schwartz, S. H. (2012). An Overview of the Schwartz Theory of Basic Values. Online Readings in
Psychology and Culture, 2(1).

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What Are Values?

helpfulness are motivated to act in ways that promote these

ideals.​

3.​ Apply across contexts. Unlike preferences or norms, which are

tied to specific situations, values remain relevant in various
settings. For example, if you value loyalty, then you likely value it
everywhere in your life: in the workplace, in politics, in business,
and in your personal relationships.​

4.​ Serve as standards for judgment. They guide how people

evaluate actions, policies, individuals, and events. They help
determine what is good or bad, justified or illegitimate, worth
doing or avoiding. While values often operate in the background of
your mind, they come into awareness when you face decisions
with significant or conflicting implications. ​

5.​ Are ranked in importance. People do not hold all values

equally—they prioritize some over others. One person may value
achievement more than justice, while another may place greater
importance on tradition over novelty. This ordering of values helps
define individuals and their choices.​

6.​ Involve trade-offs. Pursuing some values often means sacrificing

others. For example, honesty might be sacrificed to uphold loyalty,
striving for personal success might conflict with helping others.
These trade-offs are central to Schwartz’s theory—behavior
results from balancing compatible values and managing conflicts
between competing ones.

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 Trying On New Values

Trying On New Values

At this point, you're probably starting to get a vague idea of what your
core values might be. You might also have a sense of where in your life
you're failing to live out your values.

Let's take the next step and make it more concrete. Luckily for us,
psychologists have come up with various frameworks that we can use as
a starting point in determining which values to pursue in our lives.

The Values Wheel

Shalom Schwartz conducted extensive cross-cultural research to
identify common human values. He found that across many cultures,
people consistently mention about ten broad categories of values.
These are often visualized in a circular diagram or “Values Wheel,”
illustrating how some values are compatible and some are in tension.
The ten basic values Schwartz identified, each with a defining goal, are:

​
​ Self-transcendence

●​ Benevolence: Preservation and enhancement of the welfare of

people with whom one is in frequent personal contact.
●​ Universalism: Understanding, appreciation, tolerance, and
protection for the welfare of all people and of nature.

​
​

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 Trying On New Values

Conservation

●​ Conformity: The restraint of actions, inclinations, and impulses

that are likely to upset or harm others and violate social
expectations or norms (self-discipline, obedience, politeness)​.
●​ Tradition: Respect, commitment, and acceptance of the customs
and ideas that traditional culture or religion provides (honoring
tradition, cultural or religious norms)​.
●​ Security: Safety, harmony, and stability of society, relationships,
and self (valuing social order, stability, and personal and national
security)​.

​
​ Self-enhancement

●​ Power: Control or dominance over people and resources (seeking

authority, influence, wealth)​.
●​ Achievement: Personal success through demonstrating
competence according to social standards (ambition to achieve
and be competent)​.

​
​ Openness to change

●​ Stimulation: Excitement, novelty, and challenge in life (a desire for

a varied, stimulating life and new experiences)​.
●​ Self-Direction: Independent thought and action, choosing,
creating, and exploring (valuing freedom, creativity)​
●​ Hedonism: Pleasure and sensuous gratification for oneself
(seeking enjoyment and indulgence)​.

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 Trying On New Values

Adapted from
Schwartz, S. H. (2006,) Basic Human Values: An Overview.

In this model, values that sit next to each other share similar motivations
and can be pursued together, while values on opposite sides tend to
conflict.

For example, Stimulation (seeking excitement) and Self-Direction

(valuing independence) are closely related, as both emphasize openness
to change. However, Stimulation is directly opposed to Security
(seeking stability and safety), meaning that situations that encourage
excitement often undermine feelings of comfort.

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 Trying On New Values

This circular arrangement reveals an important aspect: human values

are not just a list, but a system shaped by tensions and alignments,
much like colors blending into each other on a color wheel. Values that
are closely located to one another reinforce each other. Values that are
far away from each other discourage one another. The Values Wheel
highlights why we often feel internal conflict: our values themselves
conflict. As we will see later on in this guide, this is not a bug of human
psychology, but a feature.

At the basis of this model are two key value conflicts that take place
within us:

●​ Openness to Change vs. Conservation—Values that encourage

independence, curiosity, and new experiences (Self-Direction,
Stimulation, and parts of Hedonism) stand in contrast to values
that emphasize stability, tradition, and self-restraint (Security,
Conformity, and Tradition).​

●​ Self-Enhancement vs. Self-Transcendence—Values centered on

personal success and self-interest (Power, Achievement, and
Hedonism) conflict with those that prioritize the well-being of
others and a broader sense of purpose (Universalism and
Benevolence).

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 Trying On New Values

Adapted from Schwartz, S. H. (2009). Basic Human Values. Sociologie.

Understanding Schwartz’s values framework can help you identify

where your own values fall and what tensions you may be struggling
with. Are you more inclined toward “self-transcendence” (universalism,
benevolence) or “self-enhancement” (achievement, power)? Do you
prioritize “openness to change” (stimulation, self-direction) or
“conservation” (security, tradition)?

Recognizing that this is normal can help us strive for balance, rather
than judging ourselves or feeling we must choose one or the other
absolutely.

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 Trying On New Values

Terminal vs. Instrumental Values

In the 1970s, a pioneering values researcher named Milton Rokeach
introduced a useful distinction between two types of values: terminal
values and instrumental values.20

●​ Terminal values are the end goals of life—the desirable

end-states we hope to achieve. These are values about what we
want to get or experience in the long run.​
​
Examples of terminal values include: Freedom, Equality,
Comfortable Life, World Peace, Family Security, Happiness, Wisdom,
Self-Respect, etc. They are like the destinations on life’s journey.​

●​ Instrumental values are the means to achieve those end

goals—the desirable ways of behaving or qualities we cultivate to
reach terminal values. They are values about how we live and act. ​
​
Examples of instrumental values include: Honesty, Responsibility,
Courage, Politeness, Ambition, Independence, Helpfulness,
Self-Control. These are more like character traits or modes of
conduct. For instance, to achieve the terminal value “self-respect,”
one might value the instrumental qualities of “honesty” and “hard
work” as the means that lead to self-respect.21​

20
Rokeach, M. The Nature of Human Values; Free Press: London, UK, 1973.
21
Rokeach, M. (1973). Values List of Milton Rokeach

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 Trying On New Values

Rokeach’s value system suggests that each person holds a structured

hierarchy of values, with some values ranked as more important than
others. This hierarchy forms an individual’s value system.

Terminal values tend to occupy the top goals in this hierarchy, while
instrumental values serve as guiding principles or tools to achieve those
goals. For example, someone might highly value the terminal goal of
“family security” and thus also value the instrumental qualities of
“responsibility” and “hard work” as the means to secure and care for
their family.

Another person might prioritize “social recognition” (a terminal value)

and therefore emphasize “ambition” and “competitiveness”
(instrumental values) in their behavior. In this way, the two categories
work in tandem to shape one’s priorities and actions.

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 What Are Good Values?

What Are Good Values?

Not all values are created equal. We can probably agree that valuing
compassion or honesty is “better” (for oneself and society) than valuing
cruelty or greed. But drawing the line between good and bad values can
sometimes be surprisingly tricky and subjective.

What makes a value “good”? And how do we identify values that could
potentially be hurting us?

Values and Psychological Well-Being

Well, it turns out a number of brilliant researchers dedicated most of
their careers to figuring out what the “best” values were. In her work,
Carol Ryff synthesized insights from multiple psychological traditions,
including developmental psychology, clinical psychology, and classical
theories of self-actualization and individuation. Her work drew heavily
from Aristotle’s concept of eudaimonia—the idea that the highest
human good is achieved not through fleeting pleasures but through
virtue and realizing one's full potential, or in her words, “striving to
achieve the best that is within us.”

Her model also incorporated perspectives from influential theorists

such as Marie Jahoda (positive mental health), Abraham Maslow
(self-actualization), and Erik Erikson (lifespan development). These
diverse influences converged into a framework outlining six key
dimensions of psychological well-being.

Through her work, Ryff redefined well-being as psychological

well-being (PWB), emphasizing optimal human functioning rather than

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just emotional pleasure. Within a decade, her distinction between

hedonic and eudaimonic well-being became a central theme in positive
psychology, influencing research on personal growth, resilience, and
mental health across various disciplines.22

Her six key dimensions of psychological well-being are listed

below—these could be seen as the universal “positive values” that drive
human flourishing.

Adapted from Ryff, C. D. (2014). Psychological Well-Being Revisited: Advances in the Science and Practice of Eudaimonia.
Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics.

22
Ryff C. D. (2014). Psychological well-being revisited: advances in the science and practice of
eudaimonia. Psychotherapy and psychosomatics, 83(1), 10–28.

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Autonomy ​

High scorer Is self-determining and independent; able to resist social

pressures to think and act in certain ways; regulates
behavior from within; evaluates self by personal standards

Low scorer Is concerned about the expectations and evaluations of

others; relies on judgments of others to make important
decisions; conforms to social pressures to think and act in
certain ways

Environmental mastery

High scorer Has a sense of mastery and competence in managing the

environment; controls complex array of external activities;
makes effective use of surrounding opportunities; able to
choose or create contexts suitable to personal needs and
values

Low scorer Has difficulty managing everyday affairs; feels unable to

change or improve surrounding context; is unaware of
surrounding opportunities; lacks sense of control over
external world

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Personal growth

High scorer Has a feeling of continued development; sees self as

growing and expanding; is open to new experiences; has
sense of realizing his or her potential; sees improvement
in self and behavior over time; is changing in ways that
reflect more self-knowledge and effectiveness

Low scorer Has a sense of personal stagnation; lacks sense of

improvement or expansion over time; feels bored and
uninterested with life; feels unable to develop new
attitudes or behaviors

Positive relations with others

High scorer Has warm, satisfying, trusting relationships with others; is

concerned about the welfare of others; capable of strong
empathy, affection, and intimacy; understands give and
take of human relationships

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Low scorer Has few close, trusting relationships with others; finds it
difficult to be warm, open, concerned about others; is
isolated and frustrated in interpersonal relationships; not
willing to make compromises to sustain important ties
with others

Purpose in life

High scorer Has goals in life and a sense of directedness; feels there
is meaning to present and past life; holds beliefs that give
life purpose; has aims and objectives for living

Low scorer Lacks a sense of meaning in life; has few goals or aims,
lacks sense of direction; does not see purpose in past life;
has no outlooks or beliefs that give life meaning

Self-acceptance

High scorer Possesses a positive attitude toward the self;

acknowledges and accepts multiple aspects of self

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including good and bad qualities; feels positive about past

life
​
Low scorer Feels dissatisfied with self; is disappointed with what has
occurred in past life; is troubled about certain personal
qualities; wishes to be different than what he or she is. ​

Aristotle’s Theory of Virtue and Balance

But, before we get too excited, it’s worth revisiting Aristotle one more
time. Aristotle once wrote, “A virtue is the golden mean between two
vices.” What he meant by that is that every virtue or positive value is in
balance between two negative values.

For example, too little courage is cowardice. Too much is recklessness.

Another example: too little generosity is stinginess, too much might be
wastefulness. Honesty: too little is deceit, too much might be cruel or
tactless. Self-confidence: too little is self-loathing, too much is
arrogance.

Aristotle’s Golden Mean is true in the case of Ryff’s PWB dimensions as

well. Too much autonomy is isolation. Too little is codependence. Too
much personal growth is self-absorption. Too little is stagnation.

The Aristotelian view is timeless and has two key implications for good
values that we must not forget:

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1.​ Good values are in the middle ground between extremes. This
means that even values that sound “good” can become
problematic if taken to an extreme without regard to context. ​

2.​ Virtues work as a set; harmony among values is key. Do not forget
Schwartz’s Value Wheel. All Values are only as useful when they
are in balance with other values.

Aristotle argued a person considered virtuous has, in a way, all the

virtues, because without the ability to balance courage with generosity,
or personal growth with relationships, your life will still fall out of
balance and into vice.

Virtues reinforce each other rather than operate in isolation. Justice

keeps courage from becoming reckless. Self-control ensures that
kindness doesn’t turn into enabling harmful behavior.

Aristotle also emphasized habit and practice: virtues are not

innate—we cultivate them by practice, like building a skill. One
becomes just by doing just acts, tempered by practicing moderation,
and so on. This aligns with the idea that while you may have certain
value tendencies, living them consistently (especially under pressure)
takes development and mindfulness.

In today’s terms, if we talk about “good values,” we often mean those

that generally benefit oneself and others, contribute to personal growth
or moral behavior, and are widely affirmed as positive. From this
perspective, we can argue that the “bad values” are bad because they
are zero-sum and destructive towards one another. Courage or Wisdom
make achieving other values easier. But Greed or Hedonism make
achieving other values more difficult.

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This leads to a very important but subtle truth: good values are
self-reinforcing. Adopting one good value makes adopting others easier.
Adopting one bad value makes adopting other bad values easier.

Which brings us to the next question: how do you actually change your
values? How do you get yourself to stop prioritizing something you wish
you didn’t prioritize?

One helpful tool is social reinforcement. In other words, leveraging

our natural instinct to meet and exceed the standards of those
around us, to culturally belong. Surrounding ourselves with
like-minded people, who have similar values or goals, offers a kind
of “rocket fuel” for making the changes we want to make.

This is one of the reasons I created Momentum—a continuous

growth community built around the idea that small actions
outperform big goals every single time. Inside, you’ll not only get a
supportive community, you’ll also get one daily action step to take
to help you build the life you want.

There will even be a whole month’s worth of exercises to get you

clear on your values and confidently designing your life around
them. Learn more about Momentum and how you can become a
member here.

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 Values and Your Relationships

Values and Your Relationships

When it comes to relationships, most of us focus on chemistry,
compatibility, shared interests, or how much fun we have together. But
beneath all of that—beneath the sparks, the sex, the romantic Spotify
playlists—is one thing that quietly determines whether a relationship
will survive: yep, values.

A relationship rarely falls apart because someone liked different music

or forgot an anniversary. It falls apart because our struggles serve
different values.

Now, you don’t need to have identical values to build a great

relationship. You do, however, need to have compatible values—or at the
very least, be willing to respect and negotiate each other’s differences.

Below are a few observations about values in relationships.

Having Shared Values Doesn't Necessarily Mean

Having Identical Values
A lot of people get hung up on needing their partner to mirror their
worldview. But that’s not the goal. The goal is alignment, not sameness.

You don’t need a partner who values everything you value. You need one
who respects what you value, and who’s willing to support it—even
when they don’t share it. Conflict comes not from differences, but from
invalidation.

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What matters is how your values interact. Do they complement each

other? Do they clash? Can they coexist under the same roof?

Values are What You’re Actually Arguing About

Think back to the last big fight you had in a relationship. Was it really
about the dishes? The calendar? The tone of voice?

Probably not.

It was about what those things represented. Every surface-level

argument conceals a deeper clash of values:

●​ “You never plan date night” might really mean “I value

intentionality, and I don’t feel prioritized.”​

●​ “Why do you always work late?” might actually mean “I value

connection, and I feel alone in this.”

The sooner you can decode the value underneath the complaint, the
faster you can get to the root issue—and the less likely you are to blow
up over stupid shit again.

The Relationship Values Hierarchy

Spoiler alert: In relationships, you can’t have it all.

Relationships force you to rank your values in a series of trade-offs

you’re willing to make.

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Do you value honesty more than harmony? Do you prioritize ambition

over presence? Are you willing to trade some freedom for deeper
intimacy?

Healthy relationships aren’t built on finding someone who matches you

perfectly. They’re built on clear-eyed negotiation of your values.

Try this: Each partner ranks their top 5 values. Then you each share one
you’re willing to compromise on, and one that’s a hard non-negotiable.

Then talk.

You’ll learn more in that hour than most couples do in a year.

Your Relationship Reveals What You Really Value

You say you value honesty—but you hide things to avoid a fight. You say
you value independence—but you collapse into your partner’s moods
every time they’re upset.

So what do you actually value?

This is one of the harshest truths in life: your relationship is a mirror for
your real values—not the ones you post about, but the ones you live.
The stuff you’re willing to fight for, sacrifice for, walk away for. That’s
your actual code.

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Values Drift (And Why People Grow Apart)

People evolve. And when values change—but communication
doesn’t—that’s when relationships silently fracture.

Most long-term breakups don’t happen because of one big event. They
happen because no one noticed the drift. What mattered most five years
ago isn’t what matters now. But no one talked about it. So now you’re
two people, living two lives, with two value systems—and a silent
roommate in between.

Schedule a “values check-in” like you schedule a date night. Ask each
other: “What’s been mattering most to you lately?” and “Is there
anything I’ve stopped seeing or supporting in you?”

The good news and the flipside to this is that your values can also grow
closer together. But that does require a mutual respect for each other's
values.

Speaking of respect…

Love Is Empty Without Respect

This might sound crazy, but you can love someone and still treat them
like shit.

You can love someone and violate their boundaries. You can love
someone and gaslight them. You can love someone and slowly hollow
them out by ignoring what matters to them.

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Respect is what makes love safe. It’s the value that protects all other
values. And if you can’t respect each other’s values, the love will rot.

In the end, relationships don’t succeed because two people are

“compatible.” They succeed because they value each other’s
values—and are willing to sacrifice for them.

Not all values can be bridged. But they can always be revealed.

And when they are, they tell you exactly what kind of love you’re
building—or whether it’s time to stop building at all.

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 Where Do Our Values Come From?

Where Do Our Values Come From?

Margaret Mead arrived in Samoa in 1925 at just twenty-three. Settling
among thatched huts under swaying palms, she carefully observed
village life: children at play, girls learning to weave mats, evening
gatherings filled with songs and dance. To her surprise, Samoan youths
exhibited far less turmoil than their American counterparts, embracing
a relaxed transition into adulthood. There was less pressure on them to
perform social roles, and fewer taboos around things like sex or
intimacy.

She concluded that values are arbitrary and relative. There is nothing
inherently better or worse about prudence, or cleanliness, or modesty,
as defined by Western morals. These things are relative, she argued,
and completely made up.23

Her reports caused a furor.

But she was not deterred. A few years later, Mead went to New Guinea,
where she studied the Arapesh, Mundugumor, and Tchambuli tribes.
Trudging through mud-soaked jungle paths and paddling canoes along
winding rivers, she documented wildly different temperaments. Some
tribes valued cooperation among both men and women, while others
praised aggression for all. In Tchambuli villages, she watched women
oversee trade and governance, with men devoting themselves to ritual
adornment. These observations formed the basis of her book “Sex and
Temperament in Three Primitive Societies,” challenging Western notions

23
Mead, M. (1928). Coming of age in Samoa: A psychological study of primitive youth for Western
civilisation. William Morrow.

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of gender and becoming one of the early seminal works of modern

feminism.24

Throughout her life, Mead argued that culture molds individuals in ways
once assumed to be fixed by nature—values are relative, socially
constructed, and imposed from without. From the sunlit beaches of
Samoa to the dense forests of New Guinea, she revealed that the world
is a tapestry of human possibilities, demonstrating that understanding
unfamiliar ways of life can help us grasp our own.

For example, Mead observed that Samoan society had a very relaxed
approach to adolescent sexuality compared to the puritanical norms of
American society at that time.

The result? Samoan teenagers, according to her research, did not

experience the same storm and stress during puberty as American
teens did. They seemed happier, less stressed and more at ease with
themselves.

Cultural relativism does not mean that all values are equally beneficial
in every sense, it means that we should understand values within a
broader cultural context. Mead believed that before passing judgment,
one should ask: What function does this value serve in this culture and its
environment?

A ritual or norm that seems strange from outside may have an internal
logic to it.

Mead’s ideas were quite radical in an era when a lot of people thought
Western civilization’s values were morally supreme. She asserted that

24
Mead, M. (1935). Sex and temperament in three primitive societies. New York, NY: William Morrow.

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so-called “primitive” cultures had rich lessons for the modern world.
This idea was unheard of at the time.

In practical terms, cultural relativism teaches us that had we been born

elsewhere or in a different era, we would probably hold very different
core values.

Mead’s work was the introduction of the idea that we should reflect on
which values are truly ours vs. those merely absorbed from our
culture. Sometimes we carry values only because everyone around us
does, not because we consciously opted into them.

Travel or exposure to different communities can reveal this—you might

find, for example, that you resonate more with a different set of values
than those you were raised with.

However, cultural relativism also raises complicated questions: Are

there any universal values (like basic human rights, freedom from harm)
that transcend culture? Anthropologists including Mead engaged in
those debates, especially when encountering practices like severe
gender oppression or violence which might be culturally sanctioned.
Mead’s position evolved to acknowledging some universal ethical
principles, but her starting point was always understanding context
first.

The Grid-Group Framework: Four Types of Social Values

Building upon Margaret Mead’s work, the anthropologist Mary Douglas
provided a framework known as “Grid-Group Cultural Theory” to
categorize cultures by their values and social organization. She

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proposed two dimensions for classifying a society’s ways of life—the

Group and the Grid.25

Grid (Regulation) → This refers to how much a society imposes rules,

roles, and restrictions on individuals. A high-grid society has strict rules
and social roles, while a low-grid society allows for more personal
freedom.​
​
Group (Integration) → This refers to how strongly individuals feel
connected to a larger social unit (like a family, community, or nation). A
high-group society prioritizes collective identity, while a low-group
society values individual autonomy.

Adapted from Caulkins, D. D. (1999). Is Mary Douglas’s Grid/Group Analysis Useful for Cross-Cultural Research?
Cross-Cultural Research

25
Douglas, M. 1999. Four cultures: the evolution of a parsimonious model. Geojournal 47:411-415.

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By assigning high and low values to grid and group, Douglas identified
four ways of organizing, perceiving, and justifying social relations
(called “ways of life” or “social solidarities”).​

Individualism (Low Grid / Low Group)

●​ Few rules or restrictions (low grid)

●​ Weak group identity (low group)
●​ Emphasizes personal freedom, competition, and self-reliance.​
Example: Free-market capitalism, libertarianism.

Egalitarianism (Low Grid / High Group)

●​ Few formal rules (low grid)

●​ Strong group identity (high group)
●​ Emphasizes equality, cooperation, and collective decision-making.​
Example: Small activist groups, communal living.

Hierarchy (High Grid / High Group)

●​ Many rules and strong social roles (high grid)

●​ Strong group identity (high group)
●​ Emphasizes order, authority, and tradition.​
Example: Religious institutions, military, bureaucracies.

Fatalism (High Grid / Low Group)

●​ Many rules and restrictions (high grid)

●​ Weak group identity (low group)
●​ People feel powerless and believe that life is unpredictable.​
Example: Some marginalized or oppressed communities.

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Douglas theorized that each type of social structure fosters its own
typical “culture”—a set of beliefs, values, and biases that feel naturally
right to its members​.26

People “accept what makes sense to them, and what makes sense to
them depends in large part on their social environment,” Douglas
explained​.27 This framework, though abstract, bridges anthropology and
sociology by suggesting patterned ways that social context influences
psychology: our perceptions of risk, morality, or reality itself are filtered
through the lens our community provides.

Furthermore, Douglas was attentive to how values might change when

the underlying social conditions change. She noted that when societies
undergo shifts—say, modernization, secularization, or changes in social
structure—their value systems and rituals adjust accordingly. One clear
example she gave is the shift in European societies from religious-based
purity rules to scientific/hygiene-based rules. As germ theory and
secularism grew, Europeans stopped viewing cleanliness as about
spiritual purity and more about health—yet, as she pointed out, the
habit of separating “clean” from “dirty” remained, only now with new
rationale​.

Ultimately, Douglas’s work reveals that what a society deems impure or

dangerous reflects what it most values. Just like individuals, societies

26
Grid-group cultural theory.(n.d.-b).
27
Douglas, M. (2002). Purity and danger: An analysis of concepts of pollution and taboo. Routledge.
(Original work published 1966)

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have their own value hierarchies with moralities wrapped around

whatever prioritizations rise to the top.28

The value of Douglas’s theory is in explaining why people often

misunderstand each other across groups and societies: they come
from different cultural bias types. An egalitarian type sees a
hierarchical type as oppressive or elitist; a hierarchical person sees an
egalitarian group as disorderly and unrealistic; an individualist sees
both as infringing on personal freedom; the others see individualists as
selfish, and so on.

In fact, Douglas argued that each type tends to accuse the others of
moral failure, because they prioritize different values. For instance, a
strongly hierarchical person values respect and duty, and might see
individualists as lacking loyalty, and egalitarians as lacking respect for
proper authority. An egalitarian values equality and inclusion, and might
see individualists as greedy, and hierarchs as cruel or rigid.

Balancing these cultural values is challenging, but societies benefit

from having a mix. Mary Douglas and later scholars suggested that each
way of life has blind spots and that a pluralistic society needs multiple
perspectives to be resilient.29

Again, the same way we need counter-balancing values in our personal

life to maintain mental health and psychological well-being, a society
must maintain a balance of conflicting cultural values to achieve the

28
Gray, K., DiMaggio, N., Schein, C., & Kachanoff, F. (2023). The Problem of Purity in Moral
Psychology. Personality and social psychology review : an official journal of the Society for Personality
and Social Psychology, Inc, 27(3), 272–308.
29
Clemens, E. S. (1991). Review of Cultural Theory., by M. Thompson, R. Ellis, & A. Wildavsky. American
Journal of Sociology, 96(6), 1571–1573.

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same results. For example, hierarchy gives stability but can become
oppressive if unchecked by egalitarian calls for justice. Individualism
brings innovation, but needs some communal or hierarchical structure
to not devolve into chaos. Egalitarian groups pursue noble causes but
can become insular or impractical without some individual initiative or
formal organization.

Understanding this framework, you might identify your own leanings. Do

you personally value individual freedom over rules? Or do you prefer
clear structure and authority?

And more importantly, can you live among people with opposing values?

The Nature Argument: Moral Foundations Theory

While Mead and Douglas popularized the influence of culture on value
formation, it is impossible to discuss a major psychological phenomena
without at least addressing the genetic question. There is no major
psychological trait that I know of that isn’t at least partially heritable
through one’s parents, and it appears that values are no different.30

Today, social psychologist Jonathan Haidt is most famous for his work
around social media and its effect on mental health. But before he was a
celebrity academic, he quietly began his research studying morality and
values from a social and evolutionary perspective.

Jonathan Haidt’s interest in moral judgment began during his graduate

studies at the University of Pennsylvania, where he was exposed to
cross-cultural research on ethics. After earning his PhD in 1992, he did

30
Pinker, S. (2002). The blank slate: The modern denial of human nature. Viking.

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fieldwork in India, where he observed how cultural context shapes moral

priorities. This cross-cultural perspective, combined with his reading of
evolutionary theory and anthropological studies, laid the groundwork
for what would become Moral Foundations Theory.31

In collaboration with colleagues, Haidt synthesized insights from

multiple disciplines to propose that humans share several innate “moral
taste buds.” This theory would eventually shape significant debates in
psychology, political science, and beyond.

Haidt’s Moral Foundations Theory (MFT) suggests that all humans

share a handful of basic moral intuitions—sort of like “taste buds” for
morality—and that cultures build their unique moralities on top of these
foundations. According to Haidt, the six moral foundations are:​

1.​ Care/Harm: sensitivity to others’ suffering, valuing kindness and

compassion vs. despising cruelty. ​

2.​ Fairness/Cheating: focus on justice, rights, and fairness.32​

3.​ Loyalty/Betrayal (Ingroup loyalty): valuing loyalty to one’s group,

family, or nation, and despising traitors.​

31
Haidt, J. (2012). The righteous mind: Why good people are divided by politics and religion. Pantheon
Books.​
32
A 2023 paper found that this can actually be divided into two foundations reflecting fairness as
equality and fairness as proportionality (equity).​

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4.​ Authority/Subversion: valuing respect for tradition, legitimate

authority, and order, vs. disdain for those who flout rules or roles.​

5.​ Sanctity/Degradation (Purity): valuing purity and sanctity of body

and soul, vs. revulsion towards disgusting or degrading things.​

6.​ Liberty/Oppression: a drive for freedom and resentment of

domination.33

At this point, this list will sound familiar. It is strikingly similar to Carol
Ryff’s Six Dimensions of Well-Being, as well as Shalom Schwartz’s Ten
Universal Values. ​
​
The difference lies in the fact that twin studies have shown that moral
attitudes and values are, to some extent, heritable.34 What’s most
striking, however, is how closely these moral foundations align with
political orientation.

Haidt found that, broadly speaking, politically liberal people tend to

focus heavily on Care and Fairness, whereas conservative people tend
to value Loyalty, Authority, and Sanctity more. This can explain, for
instance, why two groups both think they are “moral,” yet still disagree:
they are prioritizing different innate moral intuitions. A liberal might say
“The highest morality is caring for the vulnerable and being fair”, a
conservative might say “Those are important, but so is taking care of

33
While this is widely accepted as a 6th foundation, there is still some debate about whether or not
it's universal or more of a WEIRD cultural foundation. That said, it's sometimes included in a "6+"
model with fairness being split into two foundations: equality and proportionality.

34
Lewis, G. J., & Bates, T. C. (2011). Genetic evidence for multiple biological mechanisms underlying
ingroup favoritism. Psychological Science, 22(10), 1253–1258.

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your family, respecting tradition, and upholding morality.”​

​
Each side believes the other is neglecting key values. These political
tendencies are shaped in part by temperament and early influences, and
while they can shift over a person’s lifetime, they tend to change only
slowly and gradually—if at all.35

Evolutionary Origins: According to this theory, these moral foundations

evolved to solve different social challenges. Care to raise vulnerable
children, Fairness to reap benefits of cooperation, Loyalty to form
cohesive groups for defense, Authority to maintain order and reap
benefit of leadership, Sanctity to avoid disease and perhaps bind groups
with shared sacred values. So, they are part of “human nature” in a loose
sense. How they become actual expressed values depends on culture.
Culture can amplify or dampen certain foundations.

For example, a culture historically exposed to high levels of pathogens

might develop strict purity norms—such as food taboos—elevating
Sanctity as a central value, whereas a culture with lower exposure may
place far less emphasis on it. Similarly, a culture under constant threat
of war might place huge value on Loyalty and Authority (to survive
through unity), while an isolated individualistic environment might let
those values recede in favor of personal freedom.

What this means for you: Knowing about moral foundations can help
you understand why you personally feel moral emotions in certain
situations.

35
Wajzer, M., & Dragan, W. Ł. (2021). It Is Not Only the Environment That Matters: A Short Introduction
to Research on the Heritability of Political Attitudes. Political Studies Review, 21(1), 144-161.

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For example, if you feel extreme disgust or anger at someone burning a

national flag, that indicates your Loyalty and possibly Sanctity
foundations are triggered—you value respect for national symbols. Or if
you get very upset at unfairness (like someone cutting a line), that’s
your Fairness foundation working. If blood or cruelty in a movie deeply
disturbs you, that’s Care/Harm (empathy) reacting.

The importance here is that there is no ultimate right or wrong: all of

these intuitions are valid—and they are also likely immovable. It is
unlikely that you will ever convince someone who is disturbed by
violence to feel otherwise. Similarly, if you find disrespect for a national
symbol upsetting, there’s likely nothing anyone can say to change your
mind about that. It’s something deeply unconscious within you.

Haidt’s theory says moral judgments arise from intuition first, then
reason justifies them later. But unlike cognitive dissonance and
motivated reason, your moral foundations are likely lodged in place.

Over time, these moral foundations form the basis for our highest values
and principles.

This, of course, doesn’t mean we are slaves to our biology. We get to

interpret our moral intuitions however we see fit. Our reason, with effort,
can override or recalibrate these intuitions or point them in a different
direction.

In summary, Haidt’s research indicates that part of where values come

from is an innate moral disposition—a handful of instinctual
sensitivities. Different cultures then build different “ethical cuisines”
with these flavor profiles.

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The goal of this is two-sided: better understanding yourself and

accepting who you are, but also better understanding others and
accepting who they are.

Someone with different moral foundations from you isn’t necessarily

“brainwashed,” or a “hack,” or a “shill.” They are tuned to different moral
intuitions that likely exist in you too, but simply to a lesser degree.

Balancing Cultural Values at the Societal Level— Plato’s

Republic Revisited
Chances are you’ve heard the famous story of Rosa Parks—tired
seamstress, refuses to give up her seat, sparks the modern American
civil rights movement. But what most people don’t realize is that her
refusal to give her bus seat to a white man wasn’t spontaneous. It was
deliberate. It was values-driven.

Rosa Parks had spent years quietly organizing, learning, and watching.
And when the moment came—when she was told to stand up and move
to the back of the bus—she didn’t just say no to a bus driver. She said
no to an entire value system. In a moment of social leverage, she took
her value and inserted it into the wider system around her, causing an
ongoing chain reaction that would shift the entire cultural value system
around her.

Her decision wasn't about rebellion for rebellion’s sake. It was about
alignment. About saying, “This is where I stand. This is who I am. And I’m
not getting up.” Her courage didn’t come from rage. It came from clarity.
From a deep, immovable sense that justice, dignity, and equality were
non-negotiable.

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That’s what it looks like when someone lives their values in real time. It’s
not grand. It’s not loud. It’s not a Hollywood speech. Sometimes it’s just
sitting still—and refusing to move.

Just as an individual must balance their values, a society and a culture

must balance their values as well. And when the society’s values drift
out of balance, it’s up to bold, strong people to stand up and pull them
back.

You may find this notion of “balancing” cultural values via activism or
politics to be strange. But it is, in fact, the underlying idea behind
western political philosophy.

Plato’s The Republic is the exploration of society as a fractal

instantiation of the individual’s psychology and vice-versa. For example,
just as an individual must balance virtues within herself to maintain
healthy balance and psychological well-being, a society must balance
various values culturally to thrive and remain healthy.

Just as an individual must cultivate wisdom and self-awareness to

govern and question these values within herself, so must a society have
the ability to address its own shortcomings, flaws, and overreaches.

Justice for Plato was essentially each part of society valuing its
appropriate role and not infringing on others’—a harmony or balance
among different value spheres. He warned that injustice occurs when
one set of values consumes and overthrows the other values. Just as the
tyranny of one dominating value can destroy society, so can the
certainty or obsession of one value destroy an individual.36

36
Plato. (1991). The Republic of Plato: Second Edition (A. Bloom, Trans.; 2nd ed.). Basic Books. (Original
work published ca. 380 B.C.E.) Book IV, Section 2.

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In modern terms, one could say a good society finds a mix of liberty
(individualist values), equality (egalitarian values), and order (hierarchical
values)—reminiscent of the French motto “Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité.”
Politics, then, is essentially the argument over which values should be
prioritized and how to structure them.

Plato believed the solution was to have these classes integrated under
wise rule, with everyone accepting a common value of justice.

On the individual level, that “wise rule” that we seek is what

psychologists often refer to as self-regulation. But Aristotle called it
“practical wisdom.”

If the game of life is a balancing act of value against value, then the
balancer must have wisdom to evaluate what is worth caring about and
what is not worth caring about, and then the practicality to alter her
actions accordingly. Practical wisdom is so important that Aristotle went
as far as to imply that you could consider it the only virtue, as no other
virtue was possible without it.37

Thus, we close this guide on values with a breakdown of practical

wisdom (or self-regulation, in modern terms), how to achieve it and how
to cultivate more of it.

37
Aristotle. (1984). Nicomachean ethics (W. D. Ross, Trans.). In J. Barnes (Ed.), The complete works of
Aristotle (Vol. 2, pp. 1729–1867). Princeton University Press. (Original work published ca. 350 BCE)

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Determining Your Core Values

Imagine you are stranded on a desert island. This island is abundant and
you have access to everything you could ever possibly desire. What do
you spend your time doing?

Another way to think about it—if you could pursue something with no
fear of shame, embarrassment or failure, what would you pursue?

These sorts of mental exercises are useful because they help clarify
what we actually value and care about. Our values often get muted or
hidden from us by the pressures and expectations put on us by the
people around us. So one way to gather clarity is to imagine a life
without that expectation and without that pressure.

Another way to think about it is, ideally, how do you want to show up for
the world around you? What do you want to be known for? Like
Mandela, what mission or cause or idea are you willing to withstand
ridicule and judgment?

Below are a few powerful exercises that can start giving you clues
around what matters most.

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And, if you’d like more exercises to try, I’ll have one simple action
step for each day of the month to help you clarify, assess, and
build your life around your values inside my membership
community Momentum. You can learn more and join us here.

The Desert Island Exercise

Imagine you were stranded on a desert island all alone, but the island is
full of everything you could need or want—total abundance. Not only
are your basic needs covered, but you also have access to anything you
could want to explore your hobbies and interests, dreams and desires.

What would you spend your time doing? Would you read a bunch of
books? Watch a bunch of movies? Listen to new music? Work on your
favorite hobbies? Write that novel? Write poetry? Build out that
business idea? Study astrophysics? Work on those bicep curls?

●​ Make your list: List the top 3-5 things you would spend most of
your time doing. These are huge clues to some of your most
important core values.
●​ Identify the gap: Compare this to the way you currently spend
your time. How big of a gap can you identify here? Obviously, there
are some things we just have to do in life whether we want to or
not. But ideally, you want your real life to reflect this hypothetical
life to the greatest extent possible.

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The value of this exercise is found in taking away all the outside social
pressure to conform to the values of others. It's just you and you alone.
A large gap between your desert island self and your real-life self
probably means you're allowing other people to define your values for
you.

Example: When Maya did the Desert Island Exercise, she pictured her
days filled with sketching, writing stories, and studying
philosophy—things she barely touched in her corporate job. She
realized creativity, self-expression, and lifelong learning were core
values she'd been neglecting. The gap was clear: her real life was all
deadlines and meetings. So, she started carving out time for creative
projects and enrolled in a philosophy course—not to change careers,
but to better align her life with what mattered most.

The Eulogy Perspective

Now let's take the opposite approach and remove you from the equation.
What do you want to be known for?

Picture yourself at the end of a long, fulfilling life. A close friend stands
up to deliver your eulogy—what do you hope they’ll say about you?

●​ List the qualities: Think of three to five words or phrases you’d

want to hear—maybe “always supportive,” “never afraid to speak
the truth,” or “relentlessly curious.”
●​ Ask why: Each of those phrases hints at a deeper value.
“Supportive” might reflect compassion or loyalty. “Honesty” can be
about integrity or authenticity.
●​ Notice your emotions: If a particular quality stirs up excitement,
comfort, or resolve, it’s likely tapping a significant value.

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Example: Ravi was surprised to realize he wanted people to remember

him for his open-mindedness and self-expression. From there, he
identified creativity as a core value and began pursuing more artistic
outlets.

Frustration as a Clue
Sometimes the things that irritate us are signposts for the values we
hold dearest. For instance, if laziness in coworkers drives you up the
wall, you might prize diligence or competence. If dishonesty makes you
see red, integrity could be at the heart of your moral compass.

●​ List your pet peeves: It could be lateness, dishonesty,

disorganization—whatever reliably sets you on edge.
●​ Identify the opposite: Suppose you wrote down “people missing
deadlines.” The flip side might be respect for others’ time,
accountability, and thorough follow-through.
●​ Link to your value: Pinpoint the positive quality you crave in those
annoying situations. “I hate when people don’t follow through”
might translate to “I value dependability.”

Example: Dara noticed that anytime a friend told even a small fib, she
felt disproportionately upset. Realizing her frustration pointed to
honesty as a core value, she resolved to practice it more transparently in
her own life, and gently let others know it mattered to her.

By identifying what frustrates you, you reveal the virtues you think are
worth protecting. That newly discovered value could lead you toward
choices, activities, or relationships that honor it—and away from those
that don’t.

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Ranking and Prioritizing

Take your words from the above exercises—maybe you have eight or
ten. Now, force yourself to pick the top four. This can feel challenging,
but it clarifies which values take priority when resources (like time or
energy) are limited.

●​ Compare them: Ask, “If I had to choose between X and Y in a

tough situation, which one would I honor?” The one you choose
probably ranks higher.
●​ Refine: Some values might overlap—e.g., “connection” and
“family.” Decide which label resonates more strongly.

Example: John found both “adventure” and “security” on his list. After
ranking them, he realized that he’d choose a spontaneous road trip over
staying in his comfort zone, which helped him see that he values
exploration more than absolute stability.

Practicing these exercises won’t magically solve every problem, but

they’ll point you toward the deeper principles that give shape to your
life. With your values in view, you’ll discover a steadier sense of
direction—and perhaps feel a little closer to living the life you
genuinely want.

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Some of the content in this guide can feel abstract, so keep these
values in mind as you go through it to help you make the ideas
more concrete as they relate to your own life. And remember, if
you want to go deeper and continue this process of understanding
and clarifying your values, then making an action plan to build
your life around them—you can always jump into Momentum.

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The Value Hierarchy

At its core, my book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck argues that it's
impossible to not care about anything—you always give a fuck about
something. The real issue is whether you're intentional about what you
care about.

This is where value hierarchy comes in: the book is essentially a

wake-up call to evaluate, prioritize, and consciously choose your values
rather than absorb them passively from culture, family, or ego-driven
impulses.

You already have a value hierarchy, whether you're aware of it or not.

Most people’s values are inherited or reactive—they care about being
liked, looking good, avoiding discomfort, achieving arbitrary success
metrics, etc.

In the book, I made the point that, “Not giving a fuck does not mean
being indifferent; it means being comfortable with being different.” This
is a call to question the default values that drive our behavior. It’s about
recognizing that caring less about socially conditioned values frees you
to care more about what actually matters to you.

But you also must choose what you value wisely—because there are
good values, and there are, well, shitty values.

Shitty values are things like:

●​ Being right
●​ Feeling good all the time
●​ Always being positive

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●​ Being admired
●​ Never being wrong or failing

These are low-quality values because they are:

●​ External
●​ Emotionally reactive
●​ In conflict with real growth

The value hierarchy needs pruning. These superficial, comfort-oriented

values often sit at the top of people’s lives. The whole point of the book
was to help you see how shitty these kinds of values are and to seek
better ones.

So what do good values look like? Well, I argued that good values are:

●​ Reality-based
●​ Socially constructive
●​ Immediate and controllable

These include:

●​ Responsibility over blame

●​ Curiosity over certainty
●​ Honesty over image
●​ Resilience over comfort
●​ Growth over pleasure

These values sit at the top of a better hierarchy because they generate
long-term fulfillment, not just short-term gratification.

And a foundational concept I’ve pushed for years now is this: every value
you choose demands sacrifice. If you choose honesty, you sacrifice

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approval. If you value depth, you give up simplicity. You can't avoid
trade-offs, only choose better ones.

A value hierarchy isn't about more, it's about choosing what you’re willing
to give up.

Choosing Your Struggle

It's a simple fact: You don’t get to avoid struggle in life. You only get to
choose what you struggle for. And this becomes glaringly obvious when
you start to question your values.

Values don’t just compete with one another—they come at the cost of
one another.

Each value, when chosen, has an associated cost. A person who chooses
stability may have to forgo novelty. A person who values independence
may be forced to endure loneliness. A person who values mastery must
embrace repetition, boredom, and delay. The question is not whether
you suffer, but whether your suffering is in service to something that
actually matters to you.

Most people drift through these tradeoffs unconsciously. They suffer

without context. They work long hours for success but feel emotionally
hollow because their relationships are neglected. They chase comfort at
the expense of their health, then wonder why they feel listless and
anxious. When you don’t know what value your struggle is serving, the
suffering starts to feel meaningless.

Choosing your values, then, is also choosing your pain. You’re not just
identifying ideals you admire—you’re implicitly saying, “This is the kind
of discomfort I’m willing to endure.” Because every meaningful pursuit

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comes with discomfort. This is the trade-off behind what Aristotle called
eudaimonia—a fulfillment built not through pleasure, but through
purposeful sacrifice.

Think about your current problems—your stressors, your inner

conflicts, your persistent frustrations. Many of them aren’t mistakes or
flaws; they’re the side effects of a value hierarchy that may be
misaligned or unconscious. You might be chasing approval but
sacrificing honesty. You might be seeking novelty but feeling unsafe.
You might be striving for freedom, yet overwhelmed by isolation.

When you consciously define your values—and own the discomfort they
require—you start to reclaim your agency. You begin to move through
life not as a person avoiding pain, but as someone choosing which pain
is worth it.

So, the next time you feel overwhelmed or conflicted, ask yourself:
What value am I struggling for right now? Is it worth the price I’m
paying?

That question—simple as it sounds—can radically change how you

experience your suffering. It turns pain into purpose, effort into
meaning, and failure into growth. Because, ultimately, your values are
not what you believe.

They are what you’re willing to bleed for.

Socrates Chose Death

At the end of his life, Socrates was dragged into court and given a brutal
choice: stop teaching what he believed, stop challenging people’s ideas,
stop asking uncomfortable questions—or die.

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Socrates chose death.

Why? Because to him, living without truth was no life at all. He famously
said, “the unexamined life is not worth living.” And not only did he
believe it, did he value it, but he was willing to die for it.

Because integrity mattered to him more than comfort. Because the soul,
he believed, was nourished not by safety or success or status—but by
the pursuit of wisdom and the courage to live it, even when it costs you
everything.

He had a chance to run. His friends begged him to escape. But he

refused. ​
​
Not all values are created equal. We clearly prioritize some over others,
forming what we might call a value hierarchy. Each of us carries an
internal structure—an implicit ranking of what matters most. This
prioritization guides much of our decision-making, just as it did for
Socrates.

Philosophers have wrestled with this question for millennia. A relatively

recent perspective, however, views values as structured within a
hierarchy. The idea is that the mind unconsciously arranges values in an
internal order of priority—from the most important, or terminal values,
to the less central, instrumental ones.

This concept of a value hierarchy originated with the German

philosopher Max Scheler (1874-1928) and was followed up by the
philosopher Nicolai Hartmann (1882-1950). Many of their ideas have not
aged well, but there are some interesting principles that are still

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relevant today: ​

●​ Higher values tend to be timeless abstract principles. Lower

values tend to be more temporary, concrete and specific. We
likely prioritize our values partly based on how ever-present they
are in our decision-making. The more abstract the principle, the
more applicable it is across human experiences, and the more
consistently we can pursue it. Honesty can be pursued in each and
every context, whereas something more concrete and material
like, “a nice car” can only be pursued in specific circumstances,
therefore making it a lower value.38​

●​ Higher values become the moral lenses by which we see

everything else. You and I may both value physical fitness. But if
your higher value is vanity and impressing others, while my higher
value is health and longevity, we will approach fitness differently,
experience it differently, and have different emotions or
perspectives about it.​

●​ We default to our lower values. Only with effort or creativity do

we prioritize our higher values. Generally speaking, our instinct is
to choose pleasure over discipline, indulgence over patience,
self-absorption over charity, etc. It’s only with a certain amount of
effort, incentive or creativity that we’re able to devise ways to get
us to pursue our higher spiritual values. ​

●​ Morality is when we sacrifice our lower values for higher values.

Immorality is when we sacrifice our higher values for lower ones.
38
Max Scheler - Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. (2024, January 9).

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We look at people who are able to sacrifice their money, pleasure,

or reputation for some greater cause or purpose as deeply moral.
We look at people who sacrifice their honesty, compassion, or
integrity in pursuit of a bit more status or pleasure as immoral.
Ultimately, our value hierarchy—and our willingness to sacrifice
up or down that hierarchy—shapes our moral standing.39

​
Adapted from Rokeach, M. (1973). The Nature of Human Values. Free Press.​

These Value Hierarchies are at the core of our personality and identity.
They are the central determinants of our beliefs, attitudes, behaviors,
self-worth, and sense of purpose.

39
20th WCP: A study on the hierarchy of Values. (n.d.).

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Rokeach and others 40 noted that values carry an “imperative to

action”—unlike mere opinions, deeply held values demand that our
actions are consistent with them. Our failure to live up to our values
thus causes us to suffer, to experience feelings of shame and guilt, and
to feel as though we are being inauthentic.

Thus, values motivate behavior: a person who truly values compassion

will strive to be compassionate even when it is difficult, and someone
who values health will be driven to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
Consequently, conflicts between values can create internal stress (e.g.
valuing both ambition and family might create work–life balance issues),
whereas clarity about one’s values can lead to more consistent and
authentic behavior.

It is also important to note that we can easily lie to ourselves about our
own values. Perhaps you say and even believe that you value
compassion—but if your actions are not compassionate, then it is hard
to argue that you actually do. We will come back to this discrepancy
between belief and action much later—it is important!

In sum, values serve as guiding principles that shape our beliefs about
what is right or wrong, influence our everyday choices, and ultimately
contribute to the construction of our identity and decision-making when
we are presented with multiple options.

40
Jadaszewski, Stefan (2018) Milton Rokeach's Experimental Modification of Values: Navigating
Relevance, Ethics and Politics in Social Psychological Research. Psychology from the Margins: Vol. 1,
Article 2.https://ideaexchange.uakron.edu/psychologyfromthemargins/vol1/iss1/2

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The Real Test of Values

Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison—most of them on Robben
Island, confined to a tiny cell, forced into hard labor, with no end in sight.
He was offered early release multiple times. And each time, all he had to
do was publicly renounce his political beliefs—to say apartheid was
justified. To say the system was right. That’s it.

But he refused. Every single time.

Why? Because what mattered to him wasn’t just getting out—it was
getting out right. His value wasn’t freedom at any cost. It was justice.
Dignity. The belief that all people, regardless of color, deserve equal
treatment under the law. He was willing to sacrifice decades of his
preferences to uphold that value—he didn’t eat the food he wanted to
eat, or talk to the people he wanted to talk to.

He also deprived himself for decades of his own needs. He struggled,

suffered and endured the physical and psychological tolls of that
suffering.

But his values remained steadfast through to the end. And that’s why we
respect him so much, that simple unwillingness to give in to basic needs
and preference for the sake of his values. This is, in many ways, how we
understand morality, and define a “good life.”

Morality, across cultures and continents, is often seen as the ability to

surrender your lower values for higher ones, your selfish interests for
society’s good, and your present desires for the future’s well-being.

These moral judgments appear to be hardwired into us—just as much

as our impulse to resist them. Because living by them is hard. It’s hard to

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give up ourselves for society. It’s hard to delay gratification in the

present for the future. And it’s hard to forgo our lower, pleasurable
values, for our higher, abstract, principled values.

In this sense, sticking to our values—resisting the easy status and

satisfaction of indulging a lower value—is a skill. It takes work and
practice. It is something that must be taught and trained among young
people.​
​
This is also important because we can often delude ourselves into
believing that we’re living up to our higher values, even when we’re not.
We tell ourselves we’re acting for the greater good, when really, we’re
enriching ourselves. We claim to be planning for the future, when in
fact, we’re indulging the present.

This is also part of the skill of living a values-based life. Honesty. Being
honest with your own actions and motivations — knowing when you’re
full of shit.

Because, as we’ll see, the human mind has an endless capacity to trick
itself in order to get what it wants. Generally, your mind wants what’s
easy, tangible and immediate—it wants its lower values…​
​
Unless you change them.

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How Do You Change Your Values?

While teaching at the University of Minnesota, Leon Festinger and two
of his colleagues—Henry Riecken and Stanley Schachter—came upon
a newspaper story about a small apocalyptic cult led by a woman
pseudonymously called “Marian Keech.” Keech claimed she received
messages from extraterrestrials on the planet “Clarion,” predicting a
catastrophic flood would destroy much of the Earth on a specific date in
December 1954. Keech and a group of followers believed they would be
rescued by flying saucers.

Festinger was intrigued by how strongly people held onto a belief in the
face of skepticism and ridicule.

He hypothesized that when the prophecy failed, the group members

would be forced to reconcile their devout conviction with the undeniable
reality that the predicted end had not come. This was the perfect setup
to observe how people handle competing cognitions—i.e., a belief (“We
will be saved by aliens when the world ends”) versus the contradictory
evidence (“The world did not end, and aliens did not appear”).

So Festinger and his colleagues arranged for researchers to infiltrate

the group and observe its behavior from the inside. When the
prophesied date came and went without incident, many outsiders
assumed the group would fall apart. But the opposite happened: its
members became even more committed, and the group grew stronger.

They rationalized the failed prediction by concluding that their faith had
“saved the world” from destruction. Instead of dropping their belief,

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they doubled down on it and maintained their sense of purpose and

mission.

Cognitive Dissonance
This paradoxical outcome—people becoming more committed after
being proven wrong—inspired Festinger to study it further. And it would
lead to one of the most seminal discoveries in the history of psychology:
cognitive dissonance.41

Cognitive dissonance is the uncomfortable feeling we get when we hold

two conflicting cognitions (ideas, beliefs, values) or when the world
contradicts our values/beliefs.42 Research shows this discomfort isn’t
just subjective: it can produce measurable physiological discomfort.43
The greater the magnitude of dissonance, the greater the pressure for
the individual to reduce it.44

41
Festinger, L., Riecken, H. W., & Schachter, S. (1956). When prophecy fails: A social and psychological
study of a modern group that predicted the end of the world. Minneapolis: University of Minnesota
Press.
42
Festinger, L. (1962). Cognitive Dissonance. Scientific American, 207(4), 93–106
43
Croyle, R. T., & Cooper, J. (1983). Dissonance arousal: Physiological evidence. Journal of Personality
and Social Psychology, 45(4), 782–791.
44
Harmon-Jones, E., & Mills, J. (2019). An introduction to cognitive dissonance theory and an overview
of current perspectives on the theory. In E. Harmon-Jones (Ed.), Cognitive dissonance: Reexamining a
pivotal theory in psychology (2nd ed., pp. 3–24). American Psychological Association.

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Cognitive dissonance emerges in countless scenarios, often pushing

individuals to justify, change, or minimize inconsistencies to restore
mental balance.45

One example comes from one of Festinger’s early experiments:

participants completed a very boring task and were then asked to tell
the next person it had been enjoyable. Some were paid $20 (a good
reward) to lie, others only $1 (a trivial reward).

Surprisingly, later the $1 group reported actually felt more guilt about
lying than the $20 group.

Why?

Because the $20 liars had enough external justification (“I lied because
I got paid well”) so their value of honesty remained unchanged—they
felt no internal conflict.

The $1 liars, however, experienced dissonance: “I’m a person who values

honesty, yet I lied for only $1—why would I do that?”

Unable to attribute it to the money, they subconsciously changed their

attitude to resolve the conflict: “Actually, the task wasn’t that bad, maybe
I did kind of enjoy it”. By believing the task was fun, they no longer saw
themselves as having lied—restoring a sense of internal consistency.

This phenomenon shows how behavior can lead to value/attitude

change when we can’t otherwise justify the behavior.

45
Oshikawa, S. (1969). Can Cognitive Dissonance Theory Explain Consumer Behavior? Journal of
Marketing, 33(4), 44–49.

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Put another way, our values follow our behaviors… even if we don’t like
the behaviors.

If someone finds themselves acting against their professed value

without strong external reason, they may change the value to match the
action, because it’s psychologically easier than admitting the
wrongdoing. For example, a person who cheats on a test, while believing
in honesty, might start thinking “Well, everyone cheats a little, honesty
is overrated in a cut-throat environment”—essentially downgrading the
value of honesty to reduce their cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance is a double-edged sword: we can use it to justify

bad behaviors, or we can use it to nudge us into adopting good values.
Psychologist Milton Rokeach, whom we covered earlier, did experiments
of exactly that. He used a technique he called self-confrontation, which
deliberately induced dissonance to change values like prejudice.

For example, Rokeach would have subjects write essays or answer

questions that revealed inconsistencies in their own beliefs—thereby
making them uncomfortable with their own stated ideas.

In one study, people who ranked freedom as more important than

equality were gently confronted with the idea that civil rights activism
for equality was, in actuality, a fight for universal freedom across the
population. Not only did the people shift their attitudes about the word
“equality,” but the change persisted weeks afterward. Rokeach
concluded that “significant long-term changes in values can be brought
about by inducing feelings of self-dissatisfaction about contradictions
within one’s value-attitude system.” 46

46
Rokeach, M. (1973). Self‐confrontation and confrontation with another as determinants of
long‐term value change. In The nature of human values. Free Press.

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In plain terms, if we realize “I’m not living up to the kind of person I

thought I was,” we’re motivated to change either our self-perception or
our values to remove that conflict.

For personal growth, this suggests a subtle but important strategy: the
action comes first, the value second. Not the other way around.

It also suggests that the discomfort of cognitive dissonance is simply a

necessary part of the process. This is what I have always meant when
I’ve written, “You cannot feel good until you get comfortable feeling
bad.”

Cognitive dissonance essentially provides a mechanism for

self-correction: either the value or the behavior must shift to restore
internal consistency. Being aware of this process can help you steer the
direction of change—ideally toward better values or a more aligned way
of living.

But the story of the cult and Marian Keech is a warning: if we are in
cognitive dissonance and don’t take the opportunity to change, we are
likely to cement ourselves even further into our old values and
behaviors.

Self-Confrontation
The lesson here is that values can change when we force ourselves into
the discomfort of acting them out. But that change can only happen if
we are honest with ourselves in a way that might be uncomfortable.

Rokeach developed a method around this introspection to change one’s

values. He called it “self-confrontation” and there are a few ways to do
it.

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One way is to honestly rank your values and then reflect if your
behaviors match your ideal of who you want to be. If you place
“achievement” and “wealth” at the very top of your values pyramid and
“benevolence” or “family” much lower, yet you spend your life taking
care of your family and no time on your own goals, this dissonance
means one of two things: either you value family more than you thought,
or you’re avoiding or ignoring what you truly value.

Another approach: write out what you spend your time on and also write
a short “eulogy” or “mission statement” of how you want to be
remembered. Compare the two lists—any inconsistencies? If your
eulogy says “She was generous and always there for others” but your
values list didn’t mention helping others once, that might create
cognitive dissonance, encouraging you to nurture generosity as a value
moving forward.

In therapy or coaching, a facilitator might serve as that mirror—but

much of this introspection can also be done solo or with a trusted friend.
The key is an honest self-audit. Rokeach’s studies underscore that we
can intentionally reshape our value hierarchy—especially when we
recognize that a particular value has been neglected or overemphasized
relative to what we truly aspire to.

The Impact of Trauma and Tragedy on Values

In the aftermath of World War II, much of the western world breathed a
huge collective sigh of relief. After witnessing and then overcoming
some of the worst atrocities ever committed by humanity, academics
were eager to focus more on human flourishing.

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As the dark tragedies of the human condition were behind us, it was
time for a more positive outlook on human nature. How could we
become more productive, more fulfilled, more self-actualized?

But this never fully sat right with one psychologist in particular—a voice
that would go unheard for decades.

Kazimierz Dąbrowski was a Polish psychologist who lived through some

of the 20th century’s darkest moments—World Wars, political
repression, and massive cultural trauma. But what makes him unique
isn’t just his story—it’s how he understood suffering.

He believed that personal growth often feels like breaking down. Not
building up.

He called this “positive disintegration.”

While the aim of most psychology and philosophy in the mid-20th

century was to cultivate greater productivity, confidence, and success,
Dąbrowski, observing from behind the Iron Curtain, saw things
differently: to truly become yourself, he realized, often requires falling
apart first.

According to his view, emotional crises aren’t setbacks—they’re signals

that your old identity has become too small for who you’re becoming.
Anxiety, identity loss, even depression—these aren’t just afflictions;
they’re the growing pains of expanding your psychological complexity.

It’s the inner chaos before you find deeper selfhood.

This turns everything we’ve been taught upside down. Most people think
mental pain means something’s wrong. Dąbrowski believed it might

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mean something is finally right—that you’re beginning to break free

from what was never truly you.

You might stop chasing status. You might question your values. You
might feel totally lost!

That’s not regression. That’s transformation.

Dabrowski understood the inherent sacrifices we had to make in order

to grow. You want clarity? You have to let go of certainty first. You want
growth? You have to dismantle the fake identities that used to keep you
safe. You want to evolve? You will feel worse before you feel better.

Dabrowski’s ideas languished behind the Iron Curtain for a few decades
before they were rediscovered by scholars. Today, his work is largely
recognized as the predecessor of a fascinating theory called
Post-Traumatic Growth.

Sometimes, values change not through gentle reflection but through

seismic life events. People who go through major trauma, loss, or
life-threatening experiences often report a significant shift in what they
value in life.

A classic example: someone survives a serious illness or accident and

afterward they say “I have a whole new outlook. I realize what’s truly
important now.”

Common value shifts after trauma include: greater appreciation for life,
changed priorities like valuing relationships over material success, and
strengthened spirituality or personal convictions.

In other words, surviving something awful can make previously

overlooked values come to the forefront.

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This isn’t to romanticize trauma or make light of it—no one needs

trauma to clarify values. But it is noteworthy how often people, in
hindsight, say things like “Cancer was a wake-up call that made me
realize I was taking things for granted. Now I value each day and my
relationships like never before.”

Tragedies can abruptly reorder our values hierarchy—essentially

forcing a confrontation with mortality that asks, “What really matters if
life is short and unpredictable?”

Even less extreme life transitions—like becoming a parent—can cause

value shifts. New parents often report their priorities change overnight,
valuing things like security, family, and responsibility more, and perhaps
adventure or personal freedom less.​
​
Another key dimension is loss. Losing someone dear can deepen one’s
value on connection or legacy—for example, finding meaning in
carrying forward that person’s values. Surviving adversity with
others—whether as soldiers in combat or communities recovering from
disaster—can strengthen values like loyalty, camaraderie, and
community.

But trauma can also fracture the value system. Someone who has been
betrayed might begin to devalue trust, becoming more guarded, cynical,
or distrusting.

Researchers Tedeschi and Calhoun, who coined Post-Traumatic Growth,

note that deliberate reflection on trauma, often through therapy or

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journaling, facilitates growth. People rebuild their assumptive world and

often conclude with stronger value commitments.47

If you’ve been through a difficult experience, it might be worth exploring

if your values have shifted. Sometimes we change but don’t consciously
acknowledge it—you might find that something that used to motivate
you no longer does, or vice versa. It can be helpful to take stock: “After
going through X, what do I care about most now? What do I care about
less?”

You might need to realign your life with these updated values. And in
many cases, this value realignment is part of the healing process itself.

Charlie Munger’s Maxim

Storied investor and business partner of Warren Buffett, Charlie
Munger, was a modern-day philosopher. And perhaps his most insightful
observation was the simple maxim: “Show me the incentive and I’ll show
you the behavior.”

The unfortunate truth of human psychology is that we tend to justify

what we are rewarded for. It is part of our hardwiring to adapt to our
ever-changing environment. So if there is an opportunity in the
environment, our beliefs and values may begin to adjust to better
leverage that fact.

47
Calhoun, L. G., & Tedeschi, R. G. (2006). The Foundations of Posttraumatic Growth: An Expanded
Framework. Handbook of Posttraumatic Growth. Routledge.

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But incentives can backfire. In fact, if we feel as though we are being

manipulated or coerced into valuing something, it can actually cause us
to value it less.48

For example, children who once loved drawing—and then began

receiving prizes for it—later showed less interest in drawing when the
rewards were removed, as if the external incentives had “crowded out”
their intrinsic motivation for creativity. The philosopher Max Scheler,
the originator of the concept of the value hierarchy, argued that higher
values must only be pursued for their own sake. If we take our highest
values and make them means to an end, then we corrupt them and ruin
them.

This is particularly relevant for workplaces and organizations.

Employees often feel compelled to espouse whatever values are
endorsed by leadership—whether it’s competition, diversity, autonomy,
or whatever.

Deep down, they will come to resent that value, because they will feel
as though it is violating their autonomy. The pre-eminent theory on
motivation, Self-Determination Theory, finds that people only internalize
values if they feel autonomy and understand the importance. For
instance, one might start recycling to avoid a fine (an external
motivator), but gradually adopt environmentalism as a personal
value—after becoming accustomed to the behavior and witnessing its
positive impact.

Interestingly, small incentives or mild social pressure can actually

facilitate internal value change more than large incentives. If I volunteer

48
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Intrinsic and extrinsic motivations: Classic definitions and new
directions. Contemporary Educational Psychology, 25(1), 54–67.

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just because my company requires it, I might not take it as my value. But
if I volunteer on my own accord or with a gentle nudge, I may start
valuing altruism more, because I see myself doing it freely.

Festinger’s $1 vs $20 study is, again, an illustrative example: the paltry

$1 reward led people to change their attitude far more than the greater
reward did. Large external incentives potentially give too much
justification for the behavior, so the person has no need to change their
internal values or attitudes.

Another incentive is social norms and peer influence. The

anthropologist Margaret Mead noted that many values people have are
absorbed through their social environment and peers—often without
consciously realizing it. Moving to a different city, culture, or group can
shift someone’s values over the years, as they adapt and see merit in the
local norms.

But ultimately, external influences can only create the opportunity for
value-change through new behaviors. It’s only once we’ve experienced
the new value, rationalized it and been emotionally rewarded for it, that
we truly internalize it and have felt ourselves grow or change.

Overbearing rewards or punishments might change what you do in the

short-term, but unless your beliefs and attitudes follow suit, your values
will remain the same.

If you want to change your own values or someone else’s, this suggests
gentle persuasion works better than brute force. Engaging someone’s
sense of choice and reason—giving small challenges that encourage
them to embrace a value—is more effective than large bribes or threats

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to “force” a value change. Lean into their cognitive dissonance. Meet

them on their terms, not yours.

For your own self, if you want to adopt a new value—say you want to
value health more—you might start with small self-challenges that are
meaningful (e.g., run a 5K charity race) rather than extreme overhauls
that you resent. That way, you build positive associations and intrinsic
reasons for the value.

Finally, values can also change through education and

awareness—learning new information can sometimes incite that feeling
of positive cognitive dissonance—the misalignment between our
knowledge and behaviors, and therefore shift what we value.

Education and awareness, combined with the social influence, leads us

into a massive topic that we still have not touched on yet: culture and
the influence of society.

Our culture is a sea of values that we grow up swimming in. And in many
cases, it’s only by leaving our culture that we’re able to examine it with
any objectivity.

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How to Develop Practical Wisdom

In Greek mythology, Odysseus was the king of Ithaca, a war hero of Troy,
and the poster child for human cunning. His journey home from the
Trojan War is a masterclass in endurance and failure, brilliance and
blindness. One of the most telling moments—one that still punches
through 3,000 years later—is when he was confronted by the Sirens.

The Sirens were mythological creatures from Greek legend—part

woman, part bird—who lived on a rocky island and sang songs so
hauntingly beautiful and seductive that no sailor who heard them could
resist.

But the Sirens weren’t just beautiful voices. They were voices that
spoke exactly to your ego, your fantasies, your deepest desires. They
didn’t just sing—they knew you. And every man who ever heard their
song would steer straight into the rocks. That’s what makes them
dangerous. They didn’t kill you—they made you kill yourself.

Odysseus knew this. He knew he was smart. He knew he was brave. But
he also knew that none of that would matter. When the world seduces
you with what you want to hear, you become powerless.

So what did he do? He didn’t try to out-muscle temptation. He didn’t

pretend he’ll be the exception. He prepared for failure. He made his men
plug their ears with wax—and then he had them tie him to the mast.

And the moment came. He heard the song. He lost his mind. He begged
to be let loose. But he couldn’t move. Because past-him didn’t trust
future-him. And that’s the point.

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The world will try to seduce you with promises and stories and riches
that don’t align with who you actually are. You will be tempted to give
yourself up, to give your values up, to destroy yourself among the rocky
shores of life, to get these quick rewards. And this is the way of
self-destruction.

Therefore, like Odysseus, many times the smartest thing you can do is
tie yourself to the mast of your own values before the music starts.

Up to now, we’ve discussed understanding values—identifying them,

knowing their origins, balancing them. But knowing your values is one
thing; living by them day-to-day is another challenge entirely.

Practical wisdom is essentially the ability to make the right decisions in

real situations, aligning your actions with your values while considering
the complex trade-offs of life. It’s “practical” because it’s about action in
context, and “wisdom” because it requires more than just following the
crowd—it’s about judgment, self-awareness, and balance.

In this section, we’ll explore ways to cultivate that kind of wisdom in

your own life so that your values aren’t just abstract ideals but guides to
your behavior. We’ll focus on four interrelated skills:​

1.​ Self-awareness
2.​ Emotional regulation
3.​ Strong relationships and
4.​ Non-judgmental acceptance

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If you’d like to work through these lessons using simple daily action
steps and exercises alongside a supportive community, check out
Momentum. Inside you’ll find a non-judgmental space to share your
takeaways on values —and on living by them—with like-minded
people. I think you’ll love it.

Self-Awareness: Aligning Behavior with Values

You cannot improve upon something until you are aware of the problem.
Therefore, self-awareness is the starting point of any form of personal
growth.

Self-awareness is being mindful of your own thoughts, feelings, and

motives—essentially knowing what you are doing and why. Without
self-awareness, you could violate your values without even realizing it,
or you could carry unexamined values that aren’t truly yours.

Developing self-awareness involves regular reflection on questions like:

“What do I truly care about? Does this matter? Are my actions today in line
with those values? If not, why did I diverge?”

One helpful practice is keeping a journal or doing a nightly review. For

example, you might write about a situation where you felt uneasy and
ask, “Did I act against a value of mine? What was going on internally?”
Perhaps you snapped at a friend—upon reflection you realize it
conflicts with your value of kindness, and the real reason was you were
stressed about something else. That awareness then gives you the
chance to apologize or handle stress differently next time.

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Psychologists have noted that simply monitoring one’s behavior relative

to goals increases the likelihood of change.49

To develop wisdom, you need to notice value incongruences in real time,

as they are happening. This is a skill you develop through practice, like
anything else.

Another method is to set an intention each morning: “Today I will

practice my value of patience whenever I feel frustrated.” Then in a
moment when you feel irritation rising, self-awareness kicks in: “Ah, here
is that frustration. I value patience and kindness, so how do I choose to act
right now?”

This mindful pause can be transformative. It’s the difference between

slipping into a fit of road rage and quietly changing to one of your
favorite songs and relaxing.

Self-awareness also means understanding your triggers and blind

spots. Maybe you realize you tend to abandon your value of honesty
when you’re afraid of conflict—so you tell white lies. By recognizing
that pattern, you can work on tolerating conflict better or finding tactful
honesty strategies.

It’s very much like the earlier idea of cognitive dissonance: you bring to
awareness the discrepancy between value and action, which then
motivates you to resolve it.

A helpful technique from Action and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is to

identify your core values and then regularly ask for each, “On a scale of

49
Baumeister, R. F., & Vohs, K. D. (2007). Self-regulation, ego depletion, and motivation. Social and
Personality Psychology Compass, 1(1), 115–128.

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1-10, how much did my actions today align with this value?” If low, what
specific actions can you take tomorrow to improve? This can help foster
both awareness and a plan.

And finally, find someone in your life who can (and will) call you on your
BS. It’s hard to find, but if there is a trusted friend, family member, or
therapist you can go to and ask for their perspective on your behavior,
you might be surprised at the gap between how other people see your
behavior and how you see yourself.

Ultimately, self-awareness drives everything. Without it, there is little to

no progress in anything else.50

So, practice introspection. Pick up a journaling habit, a meditation

practice, a trusted confidant, and open the space for further growth to
emerge.

Emotional Regulation: Keeping Emotions Aligned with

Values
Why do we fail to live by our values even when we know them? Often,
it’s because strong emotions pull us off course.Anger, fear, jealousy,
stress, lust—these feelings can be overwhelming, and they sometimes
drive us to act in ways we later regret or that violate our deeper
principles. Developing emotional regulation skills is thus a cornerstone
of living according to your values.

50
Klussman K, Curtin N, Langer J, Nichols AL. The Importance of Awareness, Acceptance, and
Alignment With the Self: A Framework for Understanding Self-Connection. Eur J Psychol. 2022 Feb
25;18(1):120-131.

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Emotional regulation doesn’t mean suppressing emotions or not feeling

them. It means managing them in a healthy way—recognizing them,
understanding them, and choosing your response rather than being
impulsive. A wise person can feel anger yet still choose to respond
calmly, valuing respect more than the fleeting release of screaming. An
unwise person, by contrast, becomes captured by their anger and “loses
themselves” in it. That experience of losing yourself in the emotion is
the feeling of subverting a higher value (respect) for a lower one
(indulgence)—and afterward, you probably feel awful for it.

Psychologist Albert Ellis used to say, between an event and our reaction
is our interpretation, which we can control.51 We can apply that: If
someone insults you and your immediate emotion is rage, practical
wisdom would have you pause (self-awareness: “I am very angry now”)
and recall your values (“I value dignity and I don’t want to escalate to
cruelty”) before responding. Techniques like deep breathing, or
excusing yourself for a moment can help in these heated times. By
calming the physiological storm, you give your value-driven mind a
chance to step back in.

One component of emotional regulation is “cognitive

reappraisal”—reframing a situation to change its emotional impact. Say
your value is compassion but you feel a flash of anger at someone’s
mistake. You can reappraise: “They didn’t do it to annoy me; maybe
they’re having a tough day.” This reframing can change anger to
empathy. It’s a skill that can be learned: next time you feel a strong
negative emotion toward someone, try to think of at least one other
interpretation of their behavior that is less offensive to you. This often

51
Ellis, A. The revised ABC's of rational-emotive therapy (RET). J Rational-Emot Cognitive-Behav Ther
9, 139–172 (1991).

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quickly reduces harsh emotions and allows you to act more in line with
values of understanding or patience.

Another key component is developing a tolerance for discomfort.

Sometimes, living your values is hard—or even painful. Standing up for
the truth can be terrifying. Showing kindness when someone is being
rude can feel nearly impossible.In these moments, you must accept and
manage the negative emotions that arise—for the sake of the higher
value.

The discomfort itself isn’t the real problem; it’s our refusal to accept it
that is the problem. If we can accept that living by our values often
demands discomfort, we are far better prepared to uphold them in the
moments that matter.

One technique: remind yourself why the value matters—“I’m going

through this discomfort because I value doing the right thing.” That can
give you courage and resolve, turning the emotion into determination.
Another is simply breathing through the emotion—acknowledging it
(“I’m feeling anxious but that’s okay”) and proceeding anyway. Over
time, doing so builds emotional resilience; you prove to yourself that you
can survive emotional discomfort, which lessens its power.

Emotional regulation, paired with self-awareness, leads to acting from

your values rather than from your transient mood. It’s a hallmark of
someone with integrity and consistency.52

52
Bayly, B., & Bumpus, M. F. (2020). Predictors and implications of values clarity in first-year college
students. College student journal, 53(4), 397–404.

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Strong Relationships: The Social Pressure of Higher

Wisdom
Earlier we discussed the power of incentives on shaping our values. It’s
easy to talk about money or material gains, but the strongest incentives
are not financial, they are social.

Humans are inherently social beings. We thrive when we feel connected,

validated, and supported by others.53 We suffer when we feel
ostracized, belittled or ignored. This social grounding has several
implications for cultivating practical wisdom:

●​ Co-Regulation of Emotions: Psychologists use the term

co-regulation to describe how partners, friends, and family
members help each other manage stress or emotional upheaval.54
A calm or empathetic response from a loved one can diffuse anger
or anxiety, making it easier for you to return to a balanced state
where you can act according to your values. ​

●​ Moral and Values Feedback: Trusted friends and family can serve
as sounding boards for moral dilemmas.55 By discussing conflicts
or uncertainties with someone you respect, you can see your
choices from fresh angles. These honest conversations help

53
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as
a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
54
Sbarra, D. A., & Hazan, C. (2008). Co-regulation, dysregulation, self-regulation: An integrative
analysis and empirical agenda for understanding adult attachment, separation, loss, and recovery.
Personality and Social Psychology Review, 12(2), 141–167.
55
Friedman, R. (2002). Developing partnership promotes peace: group psychotherapy experiences.
Croatian medical journal, 43 2, 141-7 .

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illuminate blind spots and prevent self-deception. If you’ve strayed

from a core value like honesty or compassion, a compassionate
friend can reflect that back to you gently, creating an opportunity
for self-correction.​

●​ Motivation and Accountability: When you are part of a group or

partnership that prizes growth and integrity, you tend to hold each
other accountable. It might be as simple as friends reminding one
another of their health goals, or as profound as a spouse
encouraging you to speak up for yourself at work because they
know you wish to value assertiveness. Accountability partners can
improve follow-through on cherished goals, thereby helping you
live rather than merely profess your values.56

This is all great. But there’s a catch: you need to have relationships with
people who are aligned with your values. And those relationships must
be healthy, loving and supportive.

How to seek out, find and foster healthy, loving relationships is beyond
the scope of this guide (future episode!)

But relationships with people who share your values are crucial to
developing and maintaining the wisdom to manage your own. As the
saying goes, no man is an island. Find people who challenge and
encourage you, then they can become powerful catalysts for living a
richer, more consistent, and more enlightened life.

56
Peteet, J. R., Witvliet, C. V. O., & Evans, C. S. (2022). Accountability as a key virtue in mental health
and human flourishing. Philosophy, Psychiatry & Psychology, 29(1), 49–60.

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Non-Judgment and Self-Acceptance: The Foundation for

Growth
When we fail to live up to our values, our natural reaction is to chastise
ourselves, judge ourselves, and experience shame or embarrassment.
Ironically, this is the worst possible thing you can do in these instances.

It is counterintuitive, but accepting yourself as you are—flaws and

all—actually helps you become the person you want to be. As Carl
Rogers once put it: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just
as I am, then I can change.” 57

If you’re constantly berating yourself for not living up to your values,

you may create shame and discouragement that encourages you to give
up or hide from the truth, thus hindering self-awareness and growth.

Non-judgment means observing yourself (and others) without harsh

condemnation. It’s a core principle in mindfulness, which encourages
noticing your thoughts and feelings without labeling them as good or
bad. Applied to values, this means that if you fail to live up to a value,
you acknowledge it matter-of-factly—“I cheated on my diet today; that’s
against my value of health.”

While you may feel disappointment or sadness, you refuse to spiral into
narratives of judgment or condemnation. You don’t tell yourself you’re a
loser, that you have no willpower, or that you can’t achieve anything you
set your mind to. These stories are self-defeating. Instead, practice
self-compassion. Tell yourself: “I’m human and I slipped. What can I
learn? How can I support myself to do better tomorrow?”

57
Rogers, C. R. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist's view of psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin.

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Self-acceptance is not giving yourself a pass to keep violating values;

it’s forgiving yourself for past mistakes and understanding yourself so
that you can improve. Research by Kristin Neff on self-compassion
shows that treating yourself with kindness and understanding when you
fail decreases anxiety and depression and increases motivation to
correct course.58 When you beat yourself up, you may actually be subtly
hiding from the issue or causing you to feel so demoralized that you
never try again.

In practice, if you act against a value, a wise approach is to acknowledge

the lie without ego judgment (“I told a lie; that was against my value”),
identify why (fear, convenience, etc.), accept that you did it (you’re not
going to rewrite history or endlessly punish yourself), then commit to
the value going forward—perhaps apologize to the person, and plan
how to handle it better.

This cycle—notice, accept, correct—is far more effective than either

extreme of excusing yourself completely—which enables further bad
behavior, or excessively condemning yourself— which leads to shame
and avoidance.

Additionally, practical wisdom involves tolerance towards others’

imperfections. This is because it allows you to see situations more
clearly—without excessive bias or contempt. When you label someone
as “evil” or “stupid,” you shut down curiosity and close yourself off to
learning—or to the possibility that you might actually be wrong.

Being non-judgmental doesn’t mean not having moral standards; it

means approaching transgressions (yours or others’) with a constructive

58
K. W. Brown, J. D. Creswell, & R. M. Ryan (Eds.), Handbook of mindfulness: Theory, research, and
practice. The Guilford Press.

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mindset rather than one of pure blame. It aligns with the concept of
“hate the sin, not the sinner”—you focus on actions and consequences,
not condemning the person’s entire worth as an individual.

But ultimately, the only way to really live out your values is by living
them out publicly for all the world to see—and then accepting the
consequences.

As we’ve learned, every value has a trade-off associated with it and

every value demands some degree of sacrifice. Many people in the
world will not appreciate those trade-offs or sacrifices and so you must
be ready for the moment when they voice their dissatisfaction.

In this sense, the antithesis of living out your values is living out
everyone else’s values. It is giving in to the social pressures and cultural
definitions of what’s good. And it’s giving up your autonomy and
responsibility.

Ultimately, practical wisdom is essentially about bridging the

knowing-doing gap: using self-awareness to know your values in the
moment, regulating your emotions so they serve rather than sabotage
your behaviors, surrounding yourself with support and positive social
pressure and accepting the social consequences so you can keep
learning rather than getting stuck in guilt or denial. When these abilities
come together, you develop a kind of inner guidance system and
eventually become the person who, even under pressure, tends to do
what aligns with their principles—not out of rigid duty alone, but out of
an integrated understanding of self, emotion, and context.

You might notice this sounds like building character—indeed it is. This is
exactly how Aristotle saw it. You build your inner character the same

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way you build anything—one piece at a time. Some days you’ll succeed.
Some days you won’t. But each scenario, good or bad, is an opportunity
for further practical wisdom.

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Conclusion
The 80/20 of Values
There is a lot in this guide to digest. But through all of the theory and
philosophy, here are the most important takeaways: ​

●​ Clarifying your core values begins with deliberate introspection,

often by writing down a wide range of possible values—like
loyalty, freedom, kindness—and forcing yourself to choose which
resonate most deeply. You can also reflect on emotionally charged
memories to see what principles were at stake for you in those
moments. Pinpointing exactly what you care about lays a
foundation for making decisions that honor, rather than
undermine, your sense of purpose. This clarity transforms abstract
ideas about “what matters” into tangible reference points you can
use day-to-day.​

●​ Mapping out higher versus lower values involves noticing which

values you would sacrifice for others—and why. For instance, you
may say health matters more than comfort, yet you frequently
avoid exercise to sleep in. This process helps you see what truly
comes first in practice, and whether that lineup aligns with the
person you want to be. As you become more conscious of these
trade-offs, you can recalibrate your priorities toward the values
you consider most meaningful.​

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●​ Confronting cognitive dissonance means shining a light on the

times when your actions do not match your stated values. You
might pause weekly to examine specific instances in which you
felt uneasy or guilty, then connect that feeling to the value you
compromised. By intentionally reviewing these gaps, you
challenge yourself to either change your behavior or re-evaluate
the priority of that value. This honest self-review creates a
productive discomfort that can motivate genuine personal growth.​

●​ Developing practical wisdom relies on building self-awareness

and emotional regulation so that you can act in line with your
values, not just talk about them. In emotionally charged situations,
pausing to acknowledge your feelings before responding gives
you a moment to decide if your planned reaction reflects your true
principles. Simple practices like focused breathing or rethinking
the other person’s perspective can help you avoid impulsive
decisions that lead to regret. Over time, these small acts of
mindful self-control add up, forging an internal compass that
consistently guides you toward behavior you find honorable.​

●​ Finally, creating a values-supportive environment anchors these

efforts in everyday life. Seeking out companions or mentors who
share your commitment to self-improvement provides both
accountability and encouragement, making it harder to ignore
your higher principles. Tools like habit-trackers or reflective
journals serve as regular reminders of the values you want to live
by, ensuring you don’t lose sight of them amid everyday stress. In a
setting where your chosen values are encouraged—rather than
threatened—you can sustain the progress you’ve made and
continue growing into the person you aspire to be.

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Real-Life Benefits of Value Alignment

Should you do this, it will have massive benefits in your day-to-day
existence. Decades of research demonstrate that people who discover
and embody their values experience:

●​ Less Stress, More Peace: Living true to your values reduces

internal conflict and stress, leading to better mental health and
even a calmer physiological stress response​.​

●​ Greater Resilience and Emotional Stability: Your values provide

an emotional anchor, making you more resilient in the face of
adversity and contributing to a more stable, balanced emotional
life​.​

●​ Meaningful Happiness: Following your values boosts life

satisfaction by infusing your life with meaning and purpose. You’re
happier when you pursue what you find meaningful, rather than
external definitions of success​.​

●​ Mental Clarity: When your actions match your beliefs, you

experience less mental friction. This cognitive alignment leads to
clearer thinking and more confident decision-making, without the
fog of regret or self-doubt​.​

●​ Better Relationships: Living authentically according to your

values fosters trust and understanding in relationships. It
encourages healthy interactions and attracts people who respect
you for who you are, leading to stronger social connections​.​

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●​ More Motivation and Drive: Values give you a powerful why. They
ignite your internal motivation and help you stick to your goals,
making it more likely that you’ll achieve outcomes that truly
satisfy you​.

Clarify Your Values & Build Your Best Life Around Them
Imagine it’s a Wednesday, and you’re just wrapping up work for the
day.

You’re “behind” on a series of tasks you’d set out to

accomplish—going to the gym, sending your partner a sweet note
to let them know you’re thinking of them, checking in on a friend
or family member who’s having a rough time, and there’s also a
bunch of unanswered messages on your phone from people you
love.

These are all things you value, yet you only have time and energy
for so much. You decide to be kind to yourself—thankfully you’ve
worked on that with your therapist enough to be good at it now.
But now what? You’ve read this guide and you have all the
knowledge on values.

But how can you put it into practice?

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Conclusion

How can you get more intentional and use all you’ve learned to
better handle the real-life conflicts you’ll find yourself in?

Well, that’s where Momentum comes in–my members-only

community built on the idea that continuous growth beats out big
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Inside, you’ll get exactly what you need to clarify and reorganize
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I designed this community to encourage the small wins it really

takes to make lasting life change—and in a way that is flexible,
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This truly is the foundation for a fulfilling & deeply meaningful life.

So I hope you check it out and consider joining here.

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