NAZISH S. QAZI

AM I HAPPY WITH
MYSELF?
TURN FEAR INTO FUEL AND
FIRE UP YOUR SELF ESTEEM

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Am I Happy with Myself? Turn Fear into Fuel and Fire up your Self Esteem
1st edition
© 2019 Nazish S. Qazi & bookboon.com
ISBN 978-87-403-2920-9

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Contents

CONTENTS
About the author 6

1 Being Happy With Yourself 9

1.1 Common Misconceptions 9
1.2 Genuine Inner Happiness 10
1.3 Freedom to Be You 11
1.4 The Tools 12

2 Underneath the Layers 13

2.1 A Measure of Self Esteem 13
2.2 Self Identity 16
2.3 The Whole of You 17
2.4 Changing Aspects 20

3 Hidden Dragons 23
3.1 The Dragon’s Way 24
3.2 Types of Dragon 26
3.3 The Dragon’s Role 29
3.4 Retraining the Dragon 30

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Contents

4 Super Charge Your Self Worth 36

4.1 Valuing My Achievements 37
4.2 Accepting My Body 38
4.3 Appreciating My Qualities 40
4.4 Acknowledging My Unique Self 43

5 Your Authentic Self 45

5.1 The Genuine You 45
5.2 Forgiveness and Freedom 49
5.3 Affirm Your Happiness 51

End notes 56

Resources 57

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? About the author

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Nazish S. Qazi, MSc.

Life Coach, Business Trainer and Author

If you had asked me as a child, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”, my reply
would definitely not have been ‘writer’. Back then, my answer was a vehement, “I want
to be an artist, a painter!” So, you may wonder why I am here, writing these books. And
quite rightly think, “Well, at least you are still doing something creative”.

As is often the case, the road to my current destination has been a rather winding one.
When I started school I could hardly speak any English. As a foreigner in England, I had
little in common with the other kids. Although, I was not a natural introvert, the teachers
reported that I was a shy child. Hence, it is not surprizing that, as soon as I had learned
to read, you would find me in the library, lost in a world of imagination and wonder. My
closest companions were story books and fairy tales.

Thus, my career started with pursuing art which evolved to graphic design. However, by the
time I reached my early twenties and after many trials, I concluded that art college and the
design world were not particularly interested in my talents. So I took whatever office jobs
I could get, in order to pay the rent, whilst pursuing my creative drives outside of work.
Over the next ten years, I managed to accumulate a broad knowledge of the commercial
world whilst working in many companies from retail and recruitment to marketing and
insurance, within the private, public and voluntary sectors.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? About the author

The turning point came in 1997, whilst working for a training company and a nagging
feeling was growing inside of me. I began to realize that despite the extensive experience, and
helping others develop their careers, I had made little progress of my own. It was time for
a re-think and, after much critical self-analysis, I found that underneath what seemed like
a patchwork career, there lay a common denominator throughout all of my previous roles.

Incredibly, the ‘eureka’ moment came when I discovered that, whilst I had been pursuing
my first love, art and design, I had been ignoring my one persistent passion. For as long
I could remember, I had always been studying human behaviour. The inclination was so
innate that I had never even noticed it. The same preoccupation still remains strong today.
Consequently, the jigsaw pieces soon fell into place and my life path became clear.

Very soon, I returned to university and in 2002, emerged with Bachelor and Master degrees
in Psychology. During my studies, I explored that common denominator and concluded
that I had a particular penchant for recognising a person’s deeper psychological needs. I
enjoyed nothing more than guiding people to develop themselves.

Also, I realized that ‘The Silva Method’ course, which I had done back in 1985 and
successfully practiced, could also be applied to this new career direction. Both of my parents
were former Silva instructors and various people had often suggested that I too, would make
a good instructor. And so, another piece in the puzzle fitted perfectly.

Since then, I have not looked back and established a deeply rewarding career in creating and
delivering training and coaching programs. Also, with a multicultural upbringing, having
travelled widely and lived/ worked in England, Germany, Spain and Middle America, I
have gained a profound understanding of many different cultures.

Over the years, I have designed and delivered a multitude of training courses, from
management coaching, business communication and soft skills training, to career/self
development programs for the unemployed, young adults and alcohol/drug misuse clients.
Working in companies ranging from small businesses, colleges, training schools to large
councils and giant multi-nationals has given me in-depth business knowledge.

Since 2004, my focus has been in coaching individuals to achieve their own career and
life goals. Behind the scenes, I have overcome my own life challenges, both personal and
professional problems, and not only lost that childhood shyness, but conquered the fear of
public speaking.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? About the author

With all this psychology and behavioural knowledge, I have come to realize that there are
certain fundamental weaknesses, needs and difficulties that we all commonly have as humans.
At some point, we all need a helping hand in order to defeat the dragons of life. Hence,
my books are written with the intention to bring down-to-earth guidance and provide user-
friendly tools, which everyone can use.

Yes, I have gone full circle and returned to using my creative abilities. Now, I enjoy my
introverted side with time for reading, researching and writing. I continue to add to my
portfolio of human knowledge through observation and running my coaching company,
Jivon Deesha. Thus, as any good teacher or coach should do, I am compelled to share all
this knowledge with you. Occasionally, I still dabble in art, my first love, but most of the
time I am completely absorbed in my enduring passion.

As always, I wish you the most rewarding life changes so that you too can find your life
path. If you want to know more about my coaching, courses or would like to share your
experiences and those ‘eureka’ moments, I would be delighted to hear from you.

Contact Information
Facebook: Please like and follow Jivon Deesha Facebook page on for useful suggestions,
updates and freebies.

Email: Send your thoughts, queries or stories to: [email protected]

Subscribe on website: http://www.jivondeesha.com/

By subscribing you will only receive an occasional email from me with self development
advice or details about new courses or projects. Your personal information will never be
used for mass mailings, marketing purposes or shared with third parties.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Being Happy With Yourself

1 BEING HAPPY WITH YOURSELF

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something
else is the greatest accomplishment.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

ONCE upon a time, a long, long time ago, there lived a young child who was clever, curious
and carefree. But soon the child went to school and started to see the real world. The other
little children were not very nice and often poked fun at the child. The teachers didn’t
seem to care and as the child grew older, it learned that other people were more intelligent,
interesting or important. In order to cope, the child became shy, afraid to speak and was
sometimes irritable. The parents had little idea of what went on at school and didn’t seem
to notice as they were always too busy with their own lives. The once joyful child became
reluctant, resentful and reserved. Thus, the story continued into adult life and with few
friends and little self worth, the facade became the adult personality.

Does this story sound familiar? It was certainly the case for my childhood, and although
it was not my natural disposition, I clearly remember being an introverted child at school.
By the time I reached adolescence, I had become quite self conscious and acquired the
belief that I must be a weird, ugly and unlikeable person. I never felt happy being myself
and wanted so much to be like everyone else. Like most children, I was naive and not even
aware of being unhappy inside.

However, over the years I have learned how to turn those worthless feelings and insecure
beliefs around. Today, I can safely say that I have such a high level of inner confidence and
self-worth that I am hardly ever swayed by what other people say, their expectations or the
difficulties that life throws at me. It is now over twenty five years since I have been teaching
others how to do the same and provide training on building confidence and motivation. So,
it is with great joy, I now share this knowledge with you along with the specialised tools
in this book. Here, I will show you how to create the kind of solid, stable and lasting
happiness inside yourself, which nothing and no-one can ever take away from you.

1.1 COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS

Do you remember that boy or girl in school who was always very popular and made
everyone laugh? Can you think of someone at work or whom you know socially that never
has difficulty being out spoken or super confident? Perhaps you know a person who always
seems to have the perfect partner, lovely home, good job or great looks. Did you ever
feel just a little bit envious of them? The good news is that you really shouldn’t be! None
of those characters are examples of having good, genuine inner happiness.
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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Being Happy With Yourself

In my late twenties, I worked with a team of women who all had similar levels of qualification,
experience and skills as myself. When I joined the team, I remember one woman whom
everyone seemed to look up to. She was always well informed, motivated, got the best
results and everyone would listen to her suggestions. From the outside, it seemed that she
was very confident and happy with herself. It was only much later when I got to know
her better, that I discovered she held deep insecurities. She hated her own looks and was
always biting her nails. She often criticised others and was known for being offensive toward
weaker colleagues and clients.

A common misconception is that high achievers, extroverts, humorous or good looking people
are happy with themselves. In fact, the opposite is quite often true and a ‘big personality’
can be a mask for a lack of something which they are trying to compensate. Having high
external confidence or being successful in life can help with raising inner happiness but it
is definitely not the whole story1.

Therefore, the opposite also applies in which people hold the misguided notion that
under achievers, introverts, quiet, shy or people that feel unattractive are unhappy with
themselves. I have met several people with such characteristics whose sense of self worth
and levels of inner happiness are something to admire and aspire to.

1.2 GENUINE INNER HAPPINESS

Many people spend much of their lives striving to lose weight, make money or work harder
in the hope that it will make them be valued more by others. However, being truly happy
within yourself means you do not need anything from others or your outer world. It does
not come from something you attract, accumulate or can be given by another person. ‘Inner
happiness’ is a state of being that grows from inside your heart and mind.

For example, think of someone you know or have heard about, who has a physical disability
but does not care about what people think or say, and just gets on with making the best of life
regardless. Or perhaps you might know someone who has been through some terrible hardships
in life but always picks up the pieces after a crisis and continues to have a positive outlook. Or
think of an older person who has had their fair share of adversities in life, has persevered with
their work and relationships and is always able to remain steady, calm and caring.

People who are genuinely happy with themselves are not waiting until they become slimmer,
fitter and richer or to get the right job or life partner to become happy with themselves.
In fact, all those factors may be ‘nice to have’ but, even if you acquire all of these things,
after a while you will still feel that something is missing if you are not genuinely happy
with yourself.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Being Happy With Yourself

So what does ‘happy inside’ actually mean? When you are truly content with yourself
you will be at peace with your personality, body, work, relationships and where you are
right now. It means having a high level of self esteem and not expecting something to
change before being happy with yourself. This does not mean you stop growing, learning
or improving particular aspects of your life but that, whilst you are working on your own
development, you are still happy with the way you are at any given time.

I have known only a few people that have acquired such high levels of self esteem and they
all possess certain qualities and abilities, which I will describe further in the coming chapters.
One of which, is a strong sense of self understanding and knowing themselves well. So,
how can you know yourself well? It starts with getting to know exactly WHO you are
inside and not just how society labels you. With a deeper understanding and appreciation
of yourself, you won’t try to be like anyone else or change things just to please others. This
leads to being able to accept and love yourself exactly as you are. High self esteem, which
I will also refer to as being self assured, having self worth or inner happiness, correlates
directly with self acceptance and an internal sense of security.

Most probably, you are already aware of why self esteem is so important but have experienced
some stumbling blocks to creating your own inner happiness. No doubt, you will find
mountains of self help material on this subject but there are few that actually give you the
step-by-step how to grow and acquire greater self esteem. In the coming chapters you
will learn how to define who you truly are, recognize and shift the road blocks and then,
create strong, resilient self esteem.

A major key to creating inner happiness comes from knowing your purpose in life and
doing the work you love. Another attribute that self assured people have is being very
happy in their occupation and having a meaningful vocation in life. They feel that they
are on track with their ‘reason for being’. Therefore, before going any further with this
book, I strongly recommend you first read and do the exercises given in my first book of
the series; Am I Happy with My Direction?

1.3 FREEDOM TO BE YOU

By the time you finish this book, I am sure you will already have developed your inner
happiness by leaps and bounds. You will be less worried about how you appear, what others
may think, say no when you want and allow yourself to be yourself. You will be able to
make more appropriate decisions that are aligned to your needs and wants. And you will
find it easier to make the right choices for all aspects of your life such as at work, home
environment, social activities or people you want to spend time with.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Being Happy With Yourself

After a few months, if you continue to practice the methods, you will wake up one day and
find that you are no longer influenced by anyone who might criticise, cajole or complain to
you. You will not be bothered about how others talk, walk, dress or behave. No amount of
persuading, advertising or media hype is going to make you do something or buy anything
you chose not to. Instead, you will find that you easily speak your mind and say what
think without sounding rude or pushy. You will be so happy in your own skin that those
extra pounds, grey hairs or wonky teeth will only become endearing to you.

Most importantly, the things that used to push your buttons or cause you grief will no
longer have any hold over your feelings. In fact, you will feel neutral towards those issues
and feel completely free to be yourself. Eventually, you will be able to hold that speech,
make that move or attract the people or position that truly appreciate and want you.

So now, you can start this amazing change by setting a positive intention in your mind.
Say and feel these words in your head; “By the time I finish reading this book, I will have
benefited greatly, developed higher self esteem and be so much happier within myself.”

Toolbox

1.4 THE TOOLS

Throughout this book you will find exercises in the Tool Box which are unique methods
and techniques designed specifically for the purpose of raising your self esteem. To do the
exercises you will need a paper notebook, pen, pencil, eraser and some sticky notes.

In chapter four, you will need to create a folder of documents for Exercise 4.1. It is best
to acquire a ring binder file11, some blank (printing) paper and plastic sleeves/pockets.
For the visualization exercises you will need a voice recording device (most mobile phones
have such an App) and headphones/earphones.

These tools should be used in the sequential order given and are for the reader’s use only.
Please note; you are going to change some of your deepest thought processes, attitudes and
beliefs. Therefore, these tools should be treated with respect and care as these will change
your life.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Underneath the Layers

2 UNDERNEATH THE LAYERS

“The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are. The second
greatest is being happy with what you find”

– Oscar Auliq Ice

WHO are you really? Meaning, what exactly makes you, you? Our social and cultural norms
continuously bombard us with stereo-types of perfect people who all seem to be more, have
more or look better than ourselves. Television, magazines, advertising and the majority of
commercial media that we see everyday are all geared towards one thing; to make us feel
we are not enough and we need the next best thing so that we buy more. This certainly
does not help us to build high self esteem and many people hold a false or vague idea of
who they really are.

Even our own online social networks are full of lovely images of our friends and family
who all seem to look happier, fitter or more successful. They all seem to have wonderful
lives, nice homes, great food and good children. And they always have beaming smiles so
they must be happy! However, what you see on social media is only a tiny percent of their
actual lives because people don’t post pictures of ordinary, everyday stuff. If you regularly
look at social media, you may be forgiven for feeling insecure and thinking that you are
the only one with an unattractive figure, untidy home, difficult family or tough work-life 2.

Now, please don’t misunderstand; I am not suggesting we should all start posting mundane
stuff about our lives, with sad faces and miserable stories. On the contrary, it is rather
refreshing to see positive and happy things that make us smile on our social media. Our
worlds are filled with enough depressing news of crises, chaos and unhappiness.

The best way is to learn how to keep a balance and not get caught up in comparing yourself
or your life with others. Just remember, those photos are just snap shots of people’s lives.
If you find yourself looking at them and having thoughts such as, “Nothing good like that
ever happens to me”, then it is a clear indicator that you are not happy inside yourself and
should work on your self esteem.

2.1 A MEASURE OF SELF ESTEEM

Before you start to make any changes it is important to know exactly where you stand right
now. The first step is to recognise your level of inner happiness and begin to notice your
regular thoughts and behaviours. Here is your first exercise which will give you a measure
of your current level of self esteem. Be honest and focus on your recent thoughts, actions
and feelings.
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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Underneath the Layers

Toolbox

2.1 EXERCISE: Self Esteem Gauge

In your notebook, write down your answers to the following questions

as spontaneously as possible. Try to answer with mainly yes or no. If
you are unsure you can answer with often, sometimes or rarely.

1. When going to meetings or social events, do you worry if others

will dislike you?
2. Do you find it stressful thinking about what to wear?
3. Do you tend to ‘wear a mask’ or smile a lot, even when you are
not happy?
4. Do you often feel frustrated with yourself or criticize yourself?
5. Do you often judge people for their physical looks or personality?
6. Do you avoid social events because you feel you won’t fit in or
have anything to say?
7. Do you often find yourself having thoughts such as, ‘others can do
this better than me’?
8. Do you often make self derogatory jokes?
9. Do you often plan to do something but back out at the last minute?
10. Do you usually compare the way you do things with how others
say or do things?
11. Do you walk away from situations wishing you had said something
more?
12. When something goes wrong, is your initial reaction to feel that it
is your fault?
13. Do you find it very hard to step out of your comfort zone and try
new things?
14. Are you often critical about how other people speak or act?
15. When sharing something nice with your loved ones, do you usually
give yourself the least?
16. Do you dislike looking at yourself in the mirror?
17. Do you always feel the need to explain yourself or argue your
point?
18. Do you usually refrain from asking for something that you need or
want?
19. Do other people in your life make you feel less of a priority?
20. Do you find it difficult to say nice things or give compliments to
others?

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Underneath the Layers

Now give your answers a rating and add up the totals:

– Yes /often = 1
– Sometimes = 3
– No/rarely = 6

If your total ratings are between 90 - 120, it shows you have a good to
high level of self esteem. If your ratings are between 60 - 89, you have
a moderate level of self esteem and any ratings less than 59 indicate
that you have a fairly low level of self esteem.

The above tool is a simple measure which I have developed and used with my clients. This
will give you an indication of your level of self esteem so that you can begin to recognize
your own thought processes and behaviours. If you would like to take a more established
psychological test to measure self esteem, you can try the Self Esteem Test by Marilyn J.
Sorenson3.

Whether you have a high, moderate or low level of self esteem, gaining greater self awareness
and removing those psychological barriers that no longer serve you is always a valuable
endeavour. Therefore, it is worthwhile to take your time with this book and apply the tools
as given. You will benefit from, not only self knowledge and self appreciation, but also
improve your overall well being and positively influence those around you.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Underneath the Layers

2.2 SELF IDENTITY

By now you will have realized that higher self esteem is not about the physical things you
acquire, your body, job status or how other people see you. It is in the way you think about
your work, persona, choices or activities and how you feel about yourself that determines
your level of self esteem.

The next step is to gain a clearer picture and better understanding of your self-identity.
People who have a strong sense of self identity often feel more confident and secure inside.
Usually, this is defined by the social groups or family we belong to, our profession and how
our society labels us. When you ask someone to tell you about themselves, most people will
describe their job role, gender, age, nationality, country of origin, ethnic/religious background,
relationship status or family, social/political position, a team/group/club membership or
other such categorisations.

If you are lucky, you might already have a healthy sense of ‘belonging’ to some of the
above factors and a strong sense of self-identity. However, there are some people who find
it difficult to define themselves by these factors or any other socially organised groups for
various reasons. They might even consciously refuse to adhere to the ‘norm’ and are often
considered to be weird, strange, unconventional, etc, and therefore, be treated as outsiders.
If someone feels like the odd one out from the majority, over a period of time, it can
have a significantly negative effect on their level of self esteem4.

All of the above mentioned categorisations and ‘pigeonholes’ will certainly help you in
defining your external identity but it does not constitute all that you are. In order to
have the kind of inner happiness and self worth that is unshakeable, it is necessary to
understand and appreciate what makes up all of your multi-faceted nature and not just
the factors attributed to you by others.

Most people will also define their self-identity by their persona or ‘personality traits’. In
other words, the kind of person they are; their emotional or mental characteristics and
behaviours. For example, one of my female clients describes herself as, “a caring mother
who is hard working, health conscious, open minded, sociable and an animal lover” but
this only describes a part of all that she is.

In psychological studies, there has been a huge body of research and volumes written about
self identity which make interesting reading and will help you understand what categories
you might fit into5. However, they don’t often give much insight into how to increase your
level of self esteem. For instance, if you recognise that you are an ‘introverted’ person, you
may wonder if you should change anything, and if so, how to go about it.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Underneath the Layers

2.3 THE WHOLE OF YOU

Most people spend their entire lives playing a role or persona of who they think they should
be instead of being who they really want to be. They may spend a lot of money, time and
effort on acquiring the right clothes, tattoos, car, house, pets, friends or even partner in life,
with the intention to ‘fit in’. They might even join clubs or organisations, have children or
spend a lifetime doing unfulfilling jobs in order to be someone that they certainly are not.

Really, truly knowing what makes you uniquely you, is one of the key elements in being
happy inside yourself. Knowing who you really are and being more authentic is about
understanding all of the aspects that make up you as an individual and then learning to
accept every feature. That means, not only being happy with your looks, colour or gender,
but also your personality, moods, thoughts, ideas, way of talking, expression, personal
choices, etc.

By identifying all that composes you as a whole, you will step closer to being happier with
being you, just the way you are. The following exercise is a simple method that will help
you to distinguish and define all of the parts that make up all that you are, inside and out,
and gain a greater awareness of your whole self.

Physical

Personality

Mind

Core
Self

Figure 1. The Onion Layers

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Underneath the Layers

Toolbox

Exercise 2.1 Define Yourself

1. Imagine you are made up of many layers like an onion as shown in

Figure 1. In your note book, use a whole page to draw the above
diagram with similar concentric circles.
2. Inside each circle put in words that describe all of your attributes
and characteristics according to the following aspects. (Use a pencil
to begin with so that you can erase and amend. Then overwrite
your words in pen afterwards.)
– Physical: Your physical self is all about the outside of yourself
which everyone else sees. It means your outward appearance
such as your body, shape, face, smile, hair, skin colour or clothing.
Note; when you post a photo on social media, it is only this
surface level of yourself that everyone can see.
– Personality: These are your personality traits or characteristics
that refer to the way you speak, act and behave. It is the external
expression of the way you are. Think about how you react and
behave in any given situation and what other people usually see.
– Mind: These characteristics are your inner workings and include
thoughts, feelings and emotions. It is your internal processes and
private self which are mostly not seen by others. For example,
being ‘patient’ or ‘tenacious’ when working at something.
– Core: These are the personal values and beliefs which you hold
deeply and are central to your life. These are your strongest
principles and ideals which you feel are most important in life.
In your heart, you know these to be absolutely true and this is
the part of you that no-one usually sees.
– You could also add a fifth circle entitled ‘External’, to the outside
of your Onion diagram if you feel it necessary (not shown in
Figure 1). It can include those factors mentioned earlier in section
2.2: Self Identity, regarding your nationality, age, ethnicity, social
groups, etc.
3. On the next page, write a sentence or two for the words in your
Core circle and what each means to you. For example: ‘Respect:
I need to feel respected for being who I am and as an individual.
Also, being around people who are respectful to each other and
their environment is very important to me’.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Underneath the Layers

The following tables shown in Figure 2 and 3 are lists of characteristics that you could
use to help with your diagram. Of course, these are not comprehensive lists but no doubt,
you will find other words to describe yourself. As you create your diagram, you will find
that some words are interchangeable between the circles. This is perfectly okay because our
internal and external characteristics quite often overlap.

Personality and Mind

Adaptable Decisive Generous Likeable Proactive Shy

Adventurous Dedicated Gentle Loyal Punctual Sincere

Angry Dependable Gregarious Meticulous Quiet Sociable

Authoritative Determined Helpful Motivated Rational Stable

Calm Direct Honest Organized Relaxed Stressful

Caring Discerning Humorous Outgoing Reliable Stubborn

Compassionate Disciplined Imaginative Patient Reserved Thorough

Confident Empathetic Independent Perceptive Resourceful Tolerant

Conscientious Excitable Innovative Persevering Respectful Tough

Considerate Fastidious Intuitive Persuasive Sad Trusting

Cooperative Firm Joyous Pragmatic Sensitive Wise

Leading
Creative Flexible Precise Scattered Worrisome
others

Figure 2: Personality and Mind Characteristics

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Underneath the Layers

Core Values

Achievement Compassion Fun Leadership Practical Stability

Active Creative Harmony Learning Predictability Status

Adaptable Culture Happiness Leisure Progressive Structure

Ambition Develop Healthy Liberal Promotion Supportive

Helping
Alternative Discover Location Rational Teaching
others

Loving Time
Autonomous Ethical High income Recognition
relationship flexibility

Balance Excitement Honesty Modern Religion Tolerance

Benefits Evolve Independence Moral Respect Tradition

Busy Fame Individuality Organised Restful Travel

Career Family Influence Own work Security Trust

Caring Fitness Innovative Passion Service Variety

Challenge Freedom Joy Physical Singular Wealth

Community Friendships Knowledge Political Society Wisdom

Figure 3: Core Values and Beliefs

2.4 CHANGING ASPECTS

During the course of our lives, we often try to change and improve the external aspects of
ourselves. Usually, these are the features that other people can see and influence. Therefore,
we tend to focus on these aspects and make changes in order to receive other people’s
approval or feel good enough. Once you begin to recognize the specific things that make
you feel inadequate or need other’s praise, then you can begin to consciously discard those
thoughts and beliefs that are no longer important.

Sometimes, aspects of our personality can change over time, especially if we experience a
very difficult life challenge or move to a completely different environment. Hence, it is
useful to acknowledge that things will change about ourselves as we get older and accept
that we should not depend on our exterior selves for building our self worth.

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2
AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Underneath the Layers

In the above exercise, the mind aspect refers to your thoughts, attitudes and emotions
about people, situations and experiences in life. These may also change as you get older but
most likely, not as much as your external self. For example, if someone was involved in a
serious dispute, with opposing parties battling against each other, he or she may have taken
a more defiant attitude as a young person, than they might in later life. Or conversely, they
may have been shy in youth but become more confident with age and speak more openly
as they get older.

Lastly, for most of us, it is the core self that rarely changes over time and tends to remain
consistent throughout our lives. These are the qualities of life that you feel are necessary
for you to function in the world and will direct your intentions, motivations and desires.
It is this part of you that defines how you see the world and makes up the ‘truths’ that are
fundamental to you being who you truly are.

Imagine this scenario for a moment: One morning you wake up to find everything in your
life as you knew it has gone. You have absolutely nothing; no money, no job, no family,
no friends, no home or possessions. You are in an unknown place and nobody knows you.
If you have nothing but the clothes you are wearing, what else do you have? What are you
left with? What can say about yourself? When you have nothing but yourself to rely on,
you will recognise the real, true you. This is your internal, core self and the only thing
that you still ‘own’. This is the person you can depend on and trust to still be the same.
Hence, your core values and beliefs is the part of you that remains consistent even when
life gets a rough.

Now that you have a detailed account of all the many parts that make up the whole of your
multi-dimensional self, you should have good understanding of your true self identity.
This will make it easier to understand and accept yourself just the way you are. Other
people in your life may never see this part of you but usually, it becomes evident through
your behaviours, choices and actions.

Whether you think they are good or bad, you can start to appreciate all of your many
traits, attitudes and qualities. With this heightened self awareness you will become stronger
and more stable, especially when things outside of your control start to change. Once you
learn to acknowledge your core self you can begin to align the way you live with these
values and beliefs.

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 AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Underneath the Layers

Self-esteem develops when you are fully aware of who you are and have a clear understanding
of why you do what you do. This gives you a stronger identity which is based on your own
history, persona and self acceptance, and not on what others might think or say about you.
It means being able to talk about your knowledge, experience, values, beliefs and abilities,
as easily as you would talk about your limitations or negative qualities. It is being able to
state your own worth in an honest and sincere way.

Next, we will uncover those parts of yourself that you really want to change and that no
longer serve you, so that you can create space for becoming more authentically you.

360°
thinking .

360°
thinking . 360°
thinking .
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© Deloitte & Touche LLP and affiliated entities.

Discover the truth at www.deloitte.ca/careers © Deloitte & Touche LLP and affiliated entities.

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22 at www.deloitte.ca/careers
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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Hidden Dragons

3 HIDDEN DRAGONS
“Only one who has risked the fight with the dragon and is not overcome
by it, wins the ‘treasure hard to attain’. He alone has genuine claim to
self-confidence...”

– Carl Jung

Sometimes, no matter how much we try to change, nothing seems to work. After reading
many self help books, watching videos, attending courses and applying all their suggestions,
you eagerly await for your amazing transformation to begin but it just seems to be taking
forever. In this chapter, we will uncover and rectify those hidden psychological barriers
which keep holding you back.

In Chapter two we began to recognize your thought processes, attitudes, behaviours and
values. By now you should begin to appreciate all that makes you uniquely you. Being able
to observe yourself, knowing when and why you do the things you do, is part of becoming
truly happy with yourself.

As well as the positive qualities you recognized, there are probably one or two things that
you wish to change which you identified in the physical, personality or mind aspects in
Chapter two, Exercise 2.1. Now, perhaps you are beginning to feel a little worried that it
might be very difficult to change this part of you? Or maybe you have always been aware
of what you should change but tried many times, only to find yourself returning to the
same old habits?

The reason is most probably because you have what I like to call, a ‘Hidden Dragon’ hiding
in the back of your mind which keeps sabotaging your efforts to grow or change. In my
other books I have mentioned various other dragons and you may already be familiar with
them. Hidden dragons however, are less obvious and can be quite difficult to get rid of.

What are hidden dragons? They are those ‘psychological default programs’ and ‘safety
mechanisms’ that hold us back by trying to keep us safe and make us think and act in
ways that we are familiar with. They are fear based mind sets or beliefs that are fuelled by
negative emotions such as anger, anxiety, guilt, mistrust, resentment, sadness, etc. These
devious creatures are installed deep inside our subconscious mind and usually, we are
unaware of their existence.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Hidden Dragons

These dragons love to sneakily disrupt all your good intentions to increase self worth
and stop you from healing, learning or changing. Sometimes, they even bring out the
worst part of our characters. They are that horrid little voice that whispers how useless,
insignificant or feeble you are whenever you are making an effort to do better. In case you
are wondering if you are alone in harbouring such an awful creature, rest assured that most
of us, to some degree, have one or two of them lurking in the basement.

Now, you are probably wondering, “where do these dragons come from?’ and ‘how did
they get inside my brain?” Well, it all started a long, long time ago. Invariably, they stem
from the fears that were experienced during childhood and later reinforced as we grew
up. It could have been a one-time traumatic event, some hurtful incidents at school or an
incessant problem at home.

You may have been treated badly by a teacher, parent or other children or perhaps, you lived
in a troublesome environment and so, you learned ways of ‘coping’. Coping strategies are
safety mechanisms in our brains that direct our thoughts and behaviours for dealing with
tough situations and which, become automatic over time. For example, a child may learn
that getting angry and throwing things always gets attention. However, later in life these
coping strategies no longer work and can have detrimental effects on developing healthy
self esteem.

Also, deep down fears can be the result of a belief that has grown out of, not necessarily
negative experiences but because of how we perceived them to be. They might also develop
over time during our adult lives because of bad experiences such as failures, upheavals or
challenging relationships that have left a painful scar in the back of our minds.

3.1 THE DRAGON’S WAY

In order to understand your hidden dragon better, it is necessary to recognise how it operates
and the ‘method in its madness’. The following exercise will help you recognize how your
dragon manipulates your reactions to particular situations. There are six different scenarios
described that may or may not apply to you, so simply choose the ones that are relevant.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Hidden Dragons

Toolbox

Exercise 3.1 Thought Processes

In your notebook, write down everything that comes into your mind
regarding the following:

1. Remember the last time you tried to make a change in your routine
or way of doing something which didn’t really work. What went
through your mind and how did it make you feel at the time? Write
down the words/thoughts that kept going around your head.
2. Think about the last time you felt annoyed and frustrated with
someone else. How did you feel or think about that person? What
in particular annoyed/frustrated you the most?
3. If you dislike looking at yourself in the mirror, why is that? What
do you say to yourself when you do look in a mirror? If you dislike
shopping for clothes for yourself, consider why. What thoughts are
you usually having and how do you feel about yourself?
4. Recall a decision you made about something which did not turn out
well. What happened in the end and how did you feel? What did
you tell yourself about it?
5. If you dislike social events, remember the last time you were invited
to attend one. What thoughts or feelings did you have at that time?
What reasons or excuses did you find not to go?
6. Think about the last time someone or something made you feel
angry, inadequate or that your efforts were not good enough. How
did you feel and think? What did you say in your head?

Think about actual incidents that happened and note down your own
reoccurring thoughts around it. When, where and how often do you
think and feel this way?

The situations mentioned in the above exercise are all referring to the way we react when
certain things don’t go according to plan or someone/something upsets us. Our minds
create particular ‘thinking patterns’ which are the thoughts, words and feelings that revolve
around our heads following a particular incident. If you keep replaying the event and
experiencing the same negative emotions over and over, such as frustration, pain, anger or
sadness, you will create negative thinking patterns or limiting beliefs6. Every time a similar
situation occurs, you remember the previous time which reinforces those negative thoughts
and emotions. Then, it becomes a bad habit and makes your hidden dragon even stronger.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Hidden Dragons

When these thinking patterns are negative you will most likely experience obstacles, challenges
and lack motivation to move forward. If however, you have created positive thinking
patterns that help you be more constructive, despite experiencing a negative situation,
then you don’t need to worry. Therefore, we can equally create good and healthy thinking
patterns which will talk more about in the next chapter.

Maybe you are already aware of your hidden dragons and have often wondered why you
have these self debilitating behaviours or thoughts. These thoughts and feelings become
habitual processes which are almost addictive and hard to stop. This is because these dragons
operate through our natural predispositions, automatic behaviours and learned belief
systems which cannot be controlled using our conscious minds. Their job is to keep us
stuck in the same old routines and doing the same old thing by conjuring up all kinds of
limitations, anxieties, and excuses.

Therefore, hidden dragons are by nature, programmed to make it tough for you and are
not geared towards embracing change, thinking differently or being kind to yourself. They
are keen to keep you in the comfort zone and make you fearful of changing things. They
will delight in manipulating your thoughts, feelings and behaviours in particular situations
which ‘push your buttons’.

3.2 TYPES OF DRAGON

One important point you should understand is that these negative mind sets are not your
own because you were not born with them. They are learnt fears and beliefs which have
been reinforced and sunk deep into your psyche over time. To give you an idea of how
these hidden dragons appear in your thinking and behaviours, here are some examples.

Stupid Me Dragon: This sad creature will make you feel and believe that you
are inadequate and nothing you do is good enough. You may feel inadequate in
various areas of your life; work, home, socially, etc. You may often scrutinize your
own thoughts and actions and feel incompetent, incapable, unworthy and unable
to do what others can do. You doubt any reassurance or positive feedback from
others and if something goes wrong, you immediately think it is your fault. This
dragon may show up as being overly self critical and comparing self with others.

Loathsome Dragon: This miserable dragon will have you believing that other people
are simply awful, annoying, useless, etc. It will find fault in others for any number
of reasons such as their efforts are inadequate or that they are odd, dishonest,
rude, silly, ugly, etc. It will make you feel judgemental, distrusting, resentful or

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Hidden Dragons

even jealous towards others. Others may see you as being critical, condescending,
complaining or ignoring them. Behind this critical facade is a deep seated fear that
you yourself are lacking and as inadequate as the people you loath. Therefore, by
making others look bad it makes you feel better about yourself.

Overload Dragon: This dragon is very common and enjoys watching you struggle
under mountains of work. No matter how you try to reduce your To Do list, you
are always compelled to add more to your list and ensure it’s all done properly.
There are different varieties which appear as being:

• A multi-tasker; doing too many things at the same time and often, in a
messy, disorganised and unfocussed way.
• A perfectionist; usually in deep concentration, being very precise and
taking too much time over unnecessary details.
• An ‘over doer’; taking on other people’s work on top of their own and
trying to do it all by themselves.

This dragon will make you feel that it’s necessary to have your calendar, diary and
day filled with endless tasks and therefore, often feels overwhelmed and stressed.
Below this compulsion to have piles of stuff to do, is a belief that by being a ‘hard
worker’ you will become more valuable.

Pleasing Dragon: Carrying everyone else’s burden is the job of this tiresome dragon.
It will make you feel responsible for everyone else’s problems and need to help
carry their heavy load. You tend to bend over backwards or take both sides of
an argument because you understand both. You can never say no to others and
always need to go the extra mile to please them. Sometimes you are treated as a
doormat and taken for granted. This dragon might make you smile too much, be
overly nice or perhaps, be seen as interfering. All of this arduous behaviour is in
order to eventually gain a little appreciation and gratitude.

Worrisome Dragon: This fretful monster will weigh you down with a mountain
of worries and doubts. Even when all is going well you can imagine things to be
worried about. Others may notice you being apprehensive, restless or tense and
refuse trying new/different things. Sometimes, it can be seen as irritation, criticism
or mistrust of particular people. You might need to talk and unload but others
may feel burdened by it. You may have an over-active mind, be unable to sleep
and often feel stressed.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Hidden Dragons

Fickle Dragon: You can recognize this shifty creature easily because it will have you
feeling super excited about a new project but soon lose interest and start to chase
after the next, more enticing thing. This dragon may make you say one thing but
do something else, go off-track or be unable to make decisions. It usually wears
a mask such as being overly joyful, sadness, lethargy or indifference. This dragon
might often make you late, not show up or take time off work. You find it difficult
to stay focussed and not change direction, especially when things get tough. Deep
down the belief of being a failure keeps you from trusting yourself or following
through with things you started.

Antagonist Dragon: This belligerent dragon likes to make you be pushy, loud,
angry or cantankerous. This behaviour is triggered by any situation that feels
outside of your control. Others may think you are obstinate, stern, demanding or
over reactive. Quite often, you tell yourself to remain calm and cool but then the
dragon makes you open your mouth and it always comes out more vociferously
than you had planned. It is because it has learned that being difficult is the only
way to be heard, understood and respected.

Nervous Dragon: On the surface you probably have a nice, easy going and happy
persona. However, when you are faced with doing something new or in a different
way, talking to people or going to an unusual place new, this dragon will make
you break out in a sweat and get panicky. It wants that you sit in your comfortable
corner, stick to your normal routine and find endless excuses to not go to the party.
This dragon will happily keep you rooted to your uncaring partner, toil away in a
depressing job or never take up the hobby you love. It’s not that you lack confidence
but stepping out of your comfort zone brings up a wave of anxiety that seems
to outweigh the benefits. You need to be calmed with kindness, reassurance and
stability in order to take that step forward.

Joker Dragon: There is usually at least one of these personas in every group or
team and it revels in entertaining the troops. The more people there are, the merrier
it will get, no matter what you might be feeling inside. The joking can be self
deprecating, belittling others or just silly nonsense. This dragon will have you
wearing the mask of humour, wit or ridiculousness so that it does not have to
show its true feelings. Quite often those unexpressed thoughts lie buried so deep,
that even you don’t know how you truly feel. However, during quiet moments when
the dragon is asleep, you feel alone and miserable again. As long there is someone
around to make laugh, you will feel better and worthy inside.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Hidden Dragons

Do you think that you might harbour one or two of the above dragons? Perhaps yours is a
combination of several? Or maybe your particular dragon is completely different? Although
these dragons may seem like caricatures at first glance, they will always make you suffer
their antics to a greater or lesser degree.

Hidden dragons thrive on fears that have grown out of an unstable, difficult past and
being mistreated or rejected. For instance, you may feel that no matter how nice people
are, they are only being polite and don’t actually care. You will still feel like an unwanted
outsider and the thinking pattern could be, “If no-one cares about me than I am not worthy
of being liked”. The dragon is this belief system which has firmly lodged itself deep inside
your subconscious mind and become an automatic response. This affects the way you react
to people and your ability to feel secure or positive about any kind of relationship.

Another example is a person that fears success because of many failures, disappointments
or lack of accomplishment. They may have created coping strategies such as self sabotage
and worry the project is a disaster before it’s really begun. Despite pursuing their goals,
success eludes them because of not trusting their own judgements, making bad decisions and
expecting the worst. As you know, what you believe becomes your reality. So, when things
don’t work in their personal or professional lives, they usually blame external, uncontrollable
situations or simply bad luck.

3.3 THE DRAGON’S ROLE

If it were just the occasional occurrence, these behaviours would not matter so much but if
it happens regularly, it becomes a problem. You can start by taking notice of how you react
to challenging or troubling situations and make notes of your thinking patterns, actions
and feelings. Remember that underneath your reactions are certain beliefs which drive
you to respond in the way do. Just observe but do not to start berating yourself about it.

Although, each person’s hidden dragon is different and unique, they all have some things
in common. They each have a very important role to play by provoking a particular issue
in their owner’s lives. That issue, at its very root, always stems from a need to be valued
and accepted because all dragons come from a place called ‘Unworthy’.

The dragons will work in cunning ways and remain undetected whilst cultivating crops of
inadequacy, unworthiness and insecurity in the garden of your unconscious mind. These
weeds have strong roots and will continue to oppose your attempts at growing high self
worth or esteem. If left unchecked, the dragon will quietly continue to create obstacles and
blur your vision, then grin smugly as you fail yet again because every negative experience
reinforces those self-defeating beliefs7.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Hidden Dragons

One of the worst things that hidden dragons do is that they allow your conscious brain
to think you are growing and improving but know that you won’t succeed because of a
fiendish virus program installed in your unconscious brain. This is an ingrained belief that
you don’t deserve anything better. Hence, you tend to sabotage your own progress and
any happiness gained is often short lived as you often find yourself returning to square one.

However, every dragon has an ulterior motive which may surprise you. As you know, it
is usually when we hit rock bottom or face our toughest challenges and overcome them,
that we can truly learn, grow and change for the better. So, underneath the awful facade,
every dragon’s true agenda is to help us learn our biggest lessons in life. If you don’t take
notice of the lesson, it happens again and again, progressively getting harder each time. The
dragon will continue to raise your issues, until you eventually break down or do something
radical to change.

3.4 RETRAINING THE DRAGON

The good news is that when you are absolutely sure you want change, you can oust that
wicked creature! By pulling out the weeds at their root, you can overcome the dragon and
turn that long held fear into fuel and positive energy for growth. You can finally release the
brakes and become the happier and self assured person you’ve always known you could be.

There are a few pertinent steps that you must take in order to change how your dragon
operates. Firstly, you must travel down to its lair, face your dragon and acknowledge it.
Then, you can befriend and retrain it so that it turns into a more helpful dragon. Here is
a powerful method that has been adapted from a Buddhist technique which will help you
change the dragon’s behaviours for good8. It works by going deep into your subconscious
mind and ‘reprogramming’ the unwanted fear based beliefs. In case you are feeling concerned,
know that you will be completely aware and in control throughout and that you can stop
the exercise at any time.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Hidden Dragons

Toolbox

Exercise 3.2 Befriend Your Dragon

Prepare yourself first by selecting a time and place when you are alone,
undisturbed and can focus. This visualizing exercise takes place all in
your mind and may take up to an hour. Ensure that you do the whole
exercise in one sitting and only once.

First, read aloud the Visualization Instructions below into your voice
recorder. Read it slowly, clearly and pause between each number. If you
wish, you can also include relaxation/meditation music in the background9 .
Then relax, listen to your recording using earphones and follow the
instructions.

Before you begin, think about your dragon and give it a name. In
your mind, set a positive intention in your mind such as, “I am now
reprogramming my thoughts and beliefs. I am retraining the ....(name)........
dragon into a friendly dragon”.

VISUALIZATION INSTRUCTIONS

STEP 1

1. Make yourself comfortable, sit down and ensure your head and
back are well supported. Lying down is fine but only if you don’t
fall asleep. Put on your earphones and take off shoes, glasses, etc.
Uncross your legs and arms.
2. Relax and take 3 deep breaths. Fill your lungs, down to your belly
and breathe out slowly. Imagine you are breathing in relaxing energy
and blowing out any stress or worry. Let all unnecessary thoughts
leave your mind, shrink and disappear.
3. Bring your attention to each part of your body and let it relax;
starting with your toes, then feet, then ankles, calves, etc, all the
way up to the top of your head. As you move up your body, feel
each part of your body release any tension and relax.
4. Imagine being outside in a nice, peaceful place that you enjoy. It
can be in the country side, woodland or beach. Imagine taking an
easy, enjoyable walk through this beautiful scenery. The weather
is perfect and you feel completely at ease. Take in all the sights,
sounds and smells that surround you. You are now deeply relaxed.
5. Now imagine that a magical escalator appears in front of you and
it stretches up towards the sky. You calmly approach and step onto
it. As it starts to move gently upwards, count backwards slowly

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Hidden Dragons

from 10 to 1. With each number you move higher and higher. Feel
yourself becoming more relaxed and lighter as you leave everything
behind and float upwards. You are now above the clouds, entering
another world, a beautiful, dreamlike space.

STEP 2

6. At the top of the escalator, you see a door and step through
it. You are now in a fantastic room which is your own personal
space where you can relax and create whatever you want. Let
your imagination put anything you like in this room such as nice
furniture, big windows, relaxing music or even a garden. You are
feeling perfectly at peace here.
7. You sit down on a comfortable sofa with a big television screen
in front of you. Beside you is a control panel like a keyboard and
you switch on the screen. An image appears of yourself during an
incident when you experienced the dragon and its typical behaviour.
8. Press the ‘play’ button and watch a video film of that incident.
Notice how you are feeling, your thought patterns and reactions
to the situation.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Hidden Dragons

9. Now, imagine your dragon is also there watching the video. Notice
how it looks, sounds or behaves. You realize that the dragon is not
as terrible as you first thought. Greet your dragon and welcome it.
Ask it, “Why do you let these things happen?” Listen and accept
any kind of response.
10. The dragon is enjoying watching the video so give it more of what
it likes. Press another button to play similar incidents that happened
in the past. Observe how the dragon reacts. Ask more questions
about why the dragon makes you do those things.
11. If yours is an ‘anxiety dragon’ who makes you worry about things
that have not happened yet, press the forward button to play a
future video of what could happen. Imagine the worst-case scenarios
and let them play all the way through to the end.
12. Remember, you are only watching films and nothing you see on
the screen can affect you anymore. You are fully in control and are
emotionally detached.
13. As the dragon watches more videos ask it, “Why are you here?
What is your real purpose for being in my life?” Whatever the
dragon says, accept and do not argue. Simply note its reply.
14. Now, go towards your dragon and ask permission to step into its
shoes. The dragon is happy for you to do so. As you step into its
shoes or body, you understand everything about your dragon and
its thoughts. Ask more questions; “What do you want to teach me?
What is the lesson I must learn?” Listen to its replies.
15. Then, step out from its shoes and stand in front of your dragon.
Say to it, “Thank you for the lessons. I accept all that I need to
learn. Would you please be my friend and show me the way?” The
dragon says it will be very glad to help you.
16. Your dragon now begins to change into a friendly one. See it
changing shape, colour or size. Perhaps it turns into a nice, cartoon-
like character. Give it a more positive new name, if you wish.
17. Now, rewind the first video and replay the incident but this time
you react in the way you would prefer to be. See yourself feeling/
acting differently, more positively and feeling better about yourself.
See your dragon being kind and supportive.
18. Enjoy this new positive scenario with your helpful, friendly dragon
and your improved self. Take a nice snapshot of this final image
and hang it on the wall. Say to yourself, “I am much happier within
myself now.”
19. Say thank you and good-bye to the dragon. Switch off the TV.

STEP 3

20. Now, let go of the whole scene and experience. Take a deep breath
and imagine it disappear. Say to yourself, “I have now freed myself

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33
AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Hidden Dragons

from everything that held me back. Now, I believe I am healthier,

happier and stronger inside myself”.
21. Leave your room through the door you came in and step onto
the escalator. It starts to move back down to earth slowly. As you
descend, count from 1-10 slowly and feel more aware and awake
with each number as you return to the present.
22. Take your time coming back to ground level. Walk back through the
same beautiful scenery the way you came. Return to the present,
feeling fully refreshed. When you are ready, take a deep breath,
have a stretch and open your eyes.

Stay in your comfortable position for a few moments to dwell upon

your experience and recollect your thoughts. Then, in your notebook,
write down everything you saw and felt in the visualization with your
dragon. Do this while it is still fresh in your memory and before you
talk or do something else.

JOURNALING

For the next 2-3 weeks, write a paragraph in your notebook every day
about your experiences and how your thought patterns, behaviours or
attitudes are changing. Think of this as dumping thoughts on paper and
try not to analyse or reread your notes. Over time, this will not only
reduce the old habits, but also help you understand the important life
lesson. You may realize things about your past, subconscious limitations
or find answers to questions.

This visualization exercise can be deeply moving so allow yourself time to digest the
experience. Whenever you become aware of those old beliefs or behaviours trying to act
up, imagine the new friendly dragon standing beside you and giving you helpful advice.
Remind yourself of the positive final photo and say an affirmation such as, “My self worth
is growing and I am happy with all that I am”.

The more you notice your own thoughts and behaviours, the more you will have control
over them. Now that you are becoming more aware of your dragon’s real purpose, you can
turn the old fears into fuel and choose more positive behaviours.

Remember that changing old beliefs and negative thinking patterns, requires practicing
the new ‘habit’ until it becomes habitual. If we want to change any behaviour pattern, we
usually need about 4-6 weeks practice every day for it to become automatic. The inner

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Hidden Dragons

happiness you desire will appear in its own good time so you must trust the process and
be patient with yourself.

Here are some everyday positive thinking patterns to adopt and practice which will help
you keep your dragon at bay:

1. Notice what percentage of time you dwell on anything negative.

2. Focus more on what you actually want and less on what you don’t want.
3. Nobody criticises you as much as you do.
4. Decide which will win; your fear or your happiness.
5. Let go of trying to control or do better than others.
6. Stop comparing yourself, your job or life with others. Your story is unique.
7. No-one is asking you to change the world. Stop taking on the burden of others.
8. You do not need to be excellent. Just doing your best today, is enough.
9. You don’t need a major overhaul to make a big difference. Just make small shifts
every day.
10. Understand that the problem is not happening to you but for you.
11. Ask more questions, listen more than speaking and apply what you’ve learnt.
12. Imagine the way you wish to be as though it has already happened, with
heartfelt love, at least once a day.

As you now understand, dragons are not as bad as they first seem. They lie deep in your
subconscious trying to make you learn, grow and heal so that you can release those negative
experiences from the past and become your best self. Just like a small child needing your
attention, the dragon makes you stop, look and listen so that you can learn the lesson and
become the authentic, unique and wonderful human being that you were designed to be.

You have now started to clear out the old and make way for the new. The next step will be
to look at how you can develop your self-worth into the genuine, high level of self esteem
you truly deserve.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Super Charge Your Self Worth

4 SUPER CHARGE YOUR

SELF WORTH
“When you know you are of worth, you don’t have to raise your voice,
you don’t have to become rude, you don’t have to become vulgar;
you just are.”

– Maya Angelou

For a while now, an important conversation with your boss, a co-worker or family member
has been playing in your mind. The words keep going around your head and you tell yourself
that as soon as you get a chance, you are going to have your say. However, although you
really want to, the courage or opportune moment seems to elude you. Does this scenario
sound familiar?

Of course, we are not talking about being offensive or forcing your opinion on others. It is
not about being arrogant, egotistical or unfair. It is more about being yourself with humility
and integrity. So, wouldn’t it be great if you could cut out all the anxiety and speak without
hesitation? I think you would just like to be confident enough to say what you need to
say in a calm, firm and honest way. Like that person you admire who always seems to be
centred, never gets riled, stands their ground and says the right thing.

Having high self-esteem and being happy within yourself goes hand-in-hand with not being
afraid to ‘speak your truth’. That means being able to say NO or YES to things when you
want. When you learn to love and accept yourself, mind, body and soul, you will know
that your wants, needs and feelings are as valid as the next person.

Now, you may be surprised to know that you already have this ability! Only, it has been
locked away in your subconscious memory. When we were little children, we would express
ourselves freely without any qualms. A young child will easily voice its opinions and let you
know exactly what it wants at any given time. Even our pets have no difficulty in asking
for and getting what they need. However, as we get older we forget how to do this and
instead, learn how to repress our thoughts and feelings. We become fearful of speaking
lest we disappoint others or not fit in.

In this chapter we will look at how to reclaim and recreate that innate inner confidence
using some simple methods to increase your self esteem. You will learn how to appreciate
and accept the many aspects of yourself as recognised in the Onion exercise mentioned in
chapter two.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Super Charge Your Self Worth

Before we begin, stand up and have a good stretch. In fact, whenever you feel low or lacking
self worth, stretch your body with your arms above your head. This will instantly make you
feel better because when we feel down, we tend to curl up, hunch our shoulders and assume
a self protective posture. Before a meeting or at any time if you are feeling a little tired,
nervous or low, just stand up, look up to the sky, have a good stretch and breathe deeply.

4.1 VALUING MY ACHIEVEMENTS

Have you ever found yourself struggling to answer questions such as, ‘How would you
describe yourself?’ or ‘Tell me about you’? Did you ever feel at a loss for what to say
when you met someone new and wanted to make a good impression? Whether at a job
interview, business meeting or social gathering, we often get tongue tied when we have
to talk about ourselves.

Even people that are highly knowledgeable or in senior management often find it uncomfortable
when asked to talk about themselves and never know quite what to say. No matter how
confident we might be, it seems that we are socially conditioned to never say anything
good about ourselves. We usually underrate our skills, experience and accomplishments
because either, we don’t give it much thought, or we don’t want to seem immodest.

In the next exercise, you will assimilate all your accomplishments in life. This information
will be useful when talking about who you are and what you have done, in both professional
and personal circumstances. Therefore, you will always have positive, factual and quantifiable
things to say about yourself. Moreover, this exercise will increase your level of self esteem
significantly and I am sure you will enjoy creating the file.

Toolbox

Exercise 4.1: My Accomplishments

1. 
Take a few sheets of paper and divide each page into 3 or 4
columns. Give each column a title that represents every 5 years of
your life. Write a list of things that you worked on or accomplished
during each 5 year period10. Include raising children, skills learned
and tasks you managed. It does not matter if there were exams

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Super Charge Your Self Worth

that you didn’t pass or unfinished projects/courses. This is simply

a ‘brain dump’ of all the projects, learning and activities you did
during those years. E.g: Ages 15 – 20: Took school exams; got
driving license; tennis club member; got first job, helped elderly
neighbour with garden.
2. Gather together everything that relates to your lists such as:
a. Awards, certificates or licences
b. School reports
c. Photographs of yourself at work
d. Testimonials or feedback
e. References from previous employers
f. Articles or blog written about you
3. Create your Accomplishments Folder: Organize all the items from step
2 in a ring binder folder or file11 which can hold paper, documents,
plastic pockets, etc. You can arrange them in chronological order
or according to type of activity. Use the plastic pockets to put your
certificates in and use your lists as index pages.

Now, take a look through your folder and acknowledge all that you have done over the
years. You should feel a sense of achievement, whether the results were good or bad. All
of my students and clients who made such a folder found it to be, not only a rewarding
exercise, but also a very useful file for backing up job applications, interviews, personal
presentations, etc. I would love to know how you enjoyed this exercise. If you wish, drop
me a line and let me know your thoughts about it

Studies have shown that a higher level of self esteem correlates more with working towards
a goal than with high academic achievement12. By acknowledging the things you have
strived for and worked hard at, you will develop a greater sense of accomplishment and
self worth. There are more valuable exercises on how to identify and quantify your talents,
abilities and experience in my book, ‘Am I Happy with My Job?’

4.2 ACCEPTING MY BODY

Go back to your Onion diagram from chapter two. What is your attitude towards your
body? What words did you use to describe your physical self? Being able to accept our
bodies, just as we are, is probably, one of the hardest things to do for most people. We
tend to not like certain part of our bodies and put all our focus on it.

There have been countless studies showing how low self esteem is related to body
dissatisfaction13. We can try to improve the way we look with clothes, makeup, diet or
exercise. However, when we dislike our own bodies, it is harder to lose weight or get fit
because of our beliefs and negative attitudes. If you feel and think you are unattractive,
no matter what you do, you will always lack self worth and be self conscious.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Super Charge Your Self Worth

Instead of loathing your body and being critical about the bits you don’t like, transform
your thinking into a more positive, healthier outlook by practicing the following exercise.

Toolbox

Exercise 4.2 My Beloved Body

1. Stand in front of a mirror wearing only your underwear. (A full length

mirror is best.) Take a good look at your whole body. Notice how
you feel about the parts you usually dislike. What words go through
your mind? If you think things like, “my thighs are too fat”, then
this is your negative belief.

2. Now, focus on another part of your body that you actually like.
You may like your eyes, teeth, hands or toes but never pay much
attention to them. Notice how differently you feel towards this part
of your body and say what you think out loud. E.g. “I really like my
toes.” Express your gratitude and appreciation in words, such as,
“I am so glad to have these lovely toes. They help me walk, run
and keep my balance. They feel and look great in nice sandals”.

3. 
Then, take this positive feeling for the body part you like and
transfer it to the body part you dislike. Imagine and feel it like a
bright light, a happy tune or healthy energy flowing into the body
part you usually dislike. You can express positive feelings for this
part of your body out loud. E.g. “I like my thighs because they
function perfectly and let me walk, sit and stand up. These lovely
thighs allow me to hold my children or pet on my lap.”

4. Repeat this transference of positive feeling for every part of your

body that you usually feel negative about. The more positive
emotion you can imagine and feel, the more affective your change
will be.

5. Practice the positive words and feelings every day whenever you
look in the mirror, get dressed, or feel critical about your own
body. Your negative beliefs will change to healthier ones within a
few weeks.

Another good way to change your attitude towards your own body is to become more aware
of your posture and how your body moves. When you walk do you look down, drag your
feet or thump your feet? Start by noticing how you stand, walk and sit. If you slouch, try
to sit up straight or stand up tall with your shoulders back and chin up. Assume a posture
and walk in way that makes you feel confident, serene and empowered inside14.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Super Charge Your Self Worth

4.3 APPRECIATING MY QUALITIES

Now for the next layer of your Onion diagram; your personality traits. How do you feel
about them? Are there any other traits you wish you had? Which would you change if
you could? More importantly, why would you want to change them? Is it for others or for
yourself?

Quite often we exaggerate or distort the traits we dislike about ourselves and our self
perceptions can sometimes be inaccurate. We also have other characteristics that we tend
not to ignore and which other people see but never mention. The following exercise will
give you an understanding of what others really see and think of you. This may take a
little courage at first but I assure you, that the result is worthwhile as you will have greater
insight about yourself and develop your self esteem.

Toolbox

Exercise 4.3 Others Opinions

Create a simple questionnaire, on paper or online and send it out to a

few select friends, family and colleagues, whom you feel are most likely
to give you an honest reply. Make sure to ask them personally and
face-to-face if possible. Do not sent out a blanket email to everyone.

Here are some sample questions for your questionnaire. You can of
course, add more.

Please give your personal opinion on the following:

1. What are my best personality characteristics?

2. What impression did I make on you when you first met me?
3. What would you say are my strengths?
4. What characteristics do you think I should improve?
5. What characteristics or behaviours do I tend not to notice about
myself?
6. What else would you like to say about me as person?

If you want to make it anonymous, print it on paper and give it by

hand. Say something to the effect of, “I am just doing this little survey
about myself as part of my personal development plan and I would be
really grateful for your honest opinion. I am not going to publish or

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Super Charge Your Self Worth

post this anywhere - it’s just for my information, so please say anything
you want. You don’t have to put your name on it and can just leave it
on my desk/post box. Thank you very much.”

Once you get the returned questionnaires, take a good look through
and notice the difference between their comments and your own
perceptions of yourself. Write a list of all your good qualities and
any characteristics that you might want to improve. Put a date on the
questionnaires and keep in a private file for future reference.

This simple survey is based on a commonly used business development tool known as a
360 degree feedback questionnaire15. As you read the comments, bear in mind that these
are only other people’s opinions which may be tainted by their own experience. However,
most people are happily surprised by the results, especially when several people say the same
thing, independently.

If you wish to change something, using Positive Affirmations is one of the most effective
ways to change attitudes and beliefs16. This deceptively simple method replaces negative
thinking patterns with better, alternative thoughts which, if repeated daily, sink into your
unconscious brain.

Once the new thinking takes hold in your unconscious mind you will no longer need to
consciously remind yourself as it will start to show in your behaviours. The next exercise
will help you write your own affirmations for changing beliefs about your physical or
psychological self.

Toolbox

Exercise 4.4 Appreciation Affirmations

1. Make a list of the personality traits or any physical parts of your

body that you want to improve or change. Now imagine how you
would prefer to be instead.
2. Write a positive statement starting with ‘I’ or ‘I am’ as though
you have already improved and feel good about it. For example,
if you don’t like your nose you might say, “I love my nose just the
way it is”. Or if you don’t like being a shy you could write, “I am
always confident around other people”.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Super Charge Your Self Worth

3. Write these positive affirmation statements on sticky note paper

and put them where only you will see them in a private place.
E.g. Inside your wardrobe, wallet or handbag, on your bathroom
mirror, car dashboard or beside your bed.
4. Say these affirmations aloud or in your head and imagine feeling
the positive emotions. You can practice this every day, as often
as you like. Here are some examples shown in Figure 4.

I am totally happy I am slim/ fit/ I am proud that

I am so glad I appreciate,
with my............. healthy/ strong* I am a ................
to be a skilled, accept and love
(Body part: and treat my person (Trait: e.g.
capable and an myself
e.g. belly/ body with care relaxed/careful/
efficient worker* just as I am. 
thighs/ nose*) and respect organised*)

Figure 4: Sample Positive Affirmations on sticky notes

You might wish to copy the above examples and change the words that are appropriate for
you*. However, it is best to write your own. Make sure that you write what you want and
not anything negative. For instance, say “I am able to organise my work easily” and not,
“I am no longer being disorganised”.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Super Charge Your Self Worth

After you have been using affirmations for a while, they will become a part of your everyday
routine and you won’t notice them much. However, you will notice the affects as they
begin to change the way you think and feel about yourself. We will discuss more about
affirmations in the next chapter.

4.4 ACKNOWLEDGING MY UNIQUE SELF

I once had a client who was, in my opinion, a beautiful person both inside and out. She
was jovial, witty, intelligent, pretty and friendly with everyone who knew her. But she did
not recognise her own qualities because all she focussed on were her flaws and disability.
She was overly modest and never said anything positive about herself. Due to her lack of
self esteem, she was in a job far below her level of ability and because she believed that she
was so unattractive, she hadn’t dated anyone in over five years.

Over the course of her coaching, we uncovered the root cause of her lack of self worth and
tamed the dragon that had plagued her throughout her adult life. When she first wrote
positive affirmations she didn’t take it at all seriously, so we agreed it was just a ‘fun exercise’.
However, only a few weeks later she cancelled our sessions as she was ‘too busy’! When I
did see her again, she was overjoyed to announce that she had been offered a better position
at work. And because of the new job, had met a wonderful man! Much later it turned out
that he was her ‘Mr Right’.

By now, you are probably realizing that being happy with yourself is a learning process.
It needs time and a little patience but hopefully, not too much effort when you have the
right tools. Now it is time to assimilate all that you have learned about yourself.

Toolbox

Exercise 4.5 Proud of Me

Look back over your notes from the exercises in this chapter and
chapter two.

1. You can now add or change any attributes on your Onion diagram
from exercise 2.1. Then, select a few of your best personality traits
and inner qualities which are most beneficial for you/others.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Super Charge Your Self Worth

2. Consider one of your favourite activities and decide how your

body helps you to do this.
3. From exercise 4.1, choose 2 or 3 of your most significant accomplishments
which you feel most proud of.
4. Write in your notebook, this statement by hand:
– My qualities of ......................... are valuable and beneficial
because .........................
– My body is amazing and I truly appreciate it because it allows
me to ...................
– My accomplishments are worthy and I feel proud because of
......................
– I live by my values of .................... (core values) and I love WHO
I am.
5. On a blank sheet of paper, copy the statement nicely and put it
up where you will see it often.

Writing down who you truly are and/or wish to become, in the present tense as though it
is already true, is an extremely powerful way to manifest what you want in the future. My
‘beautiful client’ whom I mentioned earlier, also did this exercise with amused scepticism
but much later, admitted that it had all come true.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Your Authentic Self

5 YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted
by others. You need to accept yourself”

– Thich Nhat Hanh

There is only one of YOU in this whole world and you deserve care and consideration.
You are absolutely unique and no-one else on this entire planet is the same as you, not
even if you have an identical twin. Not only that but you are the only person who has had
your particular life experiences in the way you have. Just this in itself makes you valuable.

In the previous, chapters we did much work on weeding, healing and sowing the seeds of
self worth in your garden. Now, you will learn what your true nature is, your higher self,
and how to cherish and care for your garden of self esteem.

In recent years, the notion of self love, nurture or care has become quite popular. As I
am sure you already know, this is not about being narcissistic or feeding one’s ego but all
about giving yourself what your soul/heart/deeper self needs to feel fully valued. Although,
you may understand the concept of self nurture, perhaps you are still having trouble feeling
it or putting it into practice? There may still be a dragon or two lurking in the basement
holding you back from feeling genuine love for yourself.

5.1 THE GENUINE YOU

In the next exercise, we shall meet your authentic, higher self and release anything that
might still be restraining you. This is another deep visualization exercise that goes into
your subconscious mind so you will need to choose a place and time when you will be
undisturbed. Take your time and do the whole visualization in one sitting.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Your Authentic Self

Toolbox

Exercise 5.1 My Authentic Self

Think about your favourite famous person, leader or role model. It

should be someone you very much admire because of their personality
or actions and not just their position or appearance. Be spontaneous
and do not waver for too long trying to decide.

As before, prepare for the visualization exercise in the same way.

First, record the text into your voice recorder, read it aloud slowly and
pause between each number. Then settle down, relax and listen to the
instructions using your earphones.

VISUALIZATION INSTRUCTIONS

STEP 1

1. Have a good stretch. Get into a comfortable position and relax

your whole body.

2. Take three long, deep breaths and allow your whole body to relax.
Imagine all unnecessary thoughts leaving your mind and floating
away.

3. Close your eyes, scrunch up your face and then let it relax. Focus
on each part of your body and allow it to relax. Start with your
toes and slowly move up through your entire body to the top of
your head. Feel each part relax completely. Let your eyes, cheeks
and mouth relax.

4. Imagine you are now outdoors taking a walk in a nice, peaceful

place and the weather is perfect. You are content being alone
and enjoying this walk through the beautiful scenery. You are now
deeply relaxed.

5. Again the magical escalator appears in front of you. You calmly walk
up and step on to it as it gently starts to move upwards towards
the sky. Slowly count backwards from 10 to 1 and feel yourself
becoming more and more relaxed as you go higher and higher. As
you reach number 1 you enter another world, a dreamlike space.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Your Authentic Self

STEP 2

6. At the top of the escalator you see a door and step through it.
You are now back in your fantastic room and you feel perfectly at
home. Look around at the familiar things in your room and enjoy
the calm atmosphere of your own space.

7. Go over to your comfortable sofa and sit down. Pick up the control
and switch on the TV.

8. You press ‘play’ and see the image of a wonderful person appear
on the screen. It can be your role model or someone else that you
admire.

9. 
This person is amazing to you. Notice how he/she looks; their
figure, face or features. Watch your ideal person in action as they
do something. Notice the way they speak or behave and all that
you admire about them, even their flaws. She/he is an ideal person,
a good human being who is happy with themselves and their own
imperfections

10. Take your time to visualize your ideal person and watch how they
act. You notice all their positive aspects, attributes or abilities. You
find yourself feeling happy or smiling.

11. Now stand up and step inside the TV screen. You greet your ideal
person warmly and feel very happy in their presence. If you want,
tell him/her how much you appreciate and admire them.

12. 
Your ideal person then takes off his/her shoes or hat and says,
“these are yours”. Say thank you and put them on. Immediately,
you begin to feel just like them.

13. You now take on all of their qualities and talents. You feel delighted
as you realize that in fact, this is the real you, your true, authentic
self.

14. The ideal person now steps back, waves goodbye and disappears.

15. You realize that you look, feel and are amazing. You are now the
authentic and true version of yourself. You feel very grateful and
love being this person. Enjoy this real you.

16. Now, leave the image and step out of the screen and back to your
room.

You can now see your authentic or soul self on the screen as
17. 
though looking in the mirror. Acknowledge to yourself that this is
your true inner self and who you were born to be. It is all that
you have always wanted to be.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Your Authentic Self

18. The image of your authentic self is glowing and resonating with
good energy and self worth. You realize that you are perfect and
that you deserve to be loved just as you are. Say to your image
how much you admire, appreciate and respect her/him.

19. Finally, it is time to leave and switch off the screen. Take a deep
breath and let go all that you have seen.

STEP 3

20. Get up from the sofa, leave the room and return to the escalator.
Count slowly from 1 to 10 as you return down the escalator. You
feel more and more awake as you descend lower and lower.

21. When you reach the ground you feel regenerated and re-energised.
Take your time to walk back the same way you came. When you
are ready, take another deep breath, stretch and open your eyes.

Stay in your comfortable, relaxed position and let yourself absorb all
that you have experienced. While it is still fresh in your mind, make
notes about your authentic self and describe what you saw and felt.
You can call your notes ‘My Soul, Authentic or Higher Self’.

Do this whole visualization exercise thoroughly and once only. Thereafter, you can meet
with your soul or authentic self whenever you wish. Go to your fantastic room by relaxing,
as in Step 1, and welcome your authentic self, either on your TV screen or in front of you.
With practice you will be able to talk with him/her and receive advice, answers and solutions.

As you have realized, this visualization draws out of your subconscious mind an image
of an ideal person whom you aspire towards17. We all tend to unconsciously be attracted
to particular role models because these archetypes personify the characteristics we either
like or lack in ourselves. Also, the characteristics we consider to be flaws or failings and
complain about most are the traits we fear to have in ourselves.

For most people, meeting their authentic self is an emotional and profound experience.
Suddenly, they realize that they have been carrying this burden of unnecessary self criticism
their whole lives. You will discover that inside, you have always been the bright, attractive,
funny, affable, assertive, etc, person that you have always been striving to be. Over the next
few days, you may gain further insight about your authentic self so give yourself time to
dwell on these thoughts before continuing with further exercises.

Having created your fantastic room, you now have a private space where you can relax and
‘go inside’ your mind. Your authentic self is your best self, the one who knows you completely
and understands all your needs. It is your own higher level of consciousness that will be

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Your Authentic Self

there to help you grow, learn and appreciate yourself from now on. When you meet with
your authentic self often, you will create a valuable resource to help guide you through life.

5.2 FORGIVENESS AND FREEDOM

One very important factor related to being happier with yourself is practicing forgiveness.
The word ‘forgiveness’ has various connotations and we tend to think that it means accepting
the wrong that someone else has done to us. Sometimes, we think that forgiving means
we should ‘give in’ to the other person to the detriment of our own needs. However, this
is not the kind of forgiveness I am talking about.

Let’s call it ‘allowing myself freedom’ instead of forgiveness. In other words, it means giving
yourself permission to let go the thing that hurt you and release all the negative thoughts
and feelings which have been holding you down. It is also means to not seek vengeance
but to let the other person be themselves and most importantly, to no longer be effected
by that those things again.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Your Authentic Self

Often, the hardest part of forgiveness is being able to forgive ourselves. Most people are
so focussed on blaming that they overlook their own role in whatever happened. If things
go wrong, we can feel angry/guilty/upset with ourselves but sometimes, these harsh feelings
are not expressed or allowed to heal. Hence, if these negative emotions are left buried in
the subconscious mind and heart, they can prevent us from feeling self love. We cannot
nurture ourselves whilst holding onto unresolved pain.

Next, you will learn how to allow yourself freedom by first, acknowledging the hurt, anger
or upset caused and then, releasing these burdens so that you can feel free again.

Toolbox

Exercise 5.2 Allowing Myself Freedom

This exercise is best done when you are relaxed and in a meditative
state. You can use the same method as in Step 1, exercise 5.1, to first
relax your mind and body.

1. Close your eyes, breathe deeply and relax.

2. Remember the incident or person that upset you and imagine them
in front of you. In your mind, express your feelings about all that
happened. Say the words that you have always wanted to say and
how it made you feel.
3. Then, ask the person if they have something to say and just listen.
Or you might prefer to talk with your authentic self about that
incident.
4. Now, tell the person/incident that they can no longer have any effect
on you. Say words such as, “Now, I choose to let go all that hurt.
You no longer have any hold over me. I release all that happened
and liberate myself. I deserve to be totally free and happy.”
5. Imagine all the negative thoughts and feelings flowing out from
your body and being washed away by rain and dissolved into the
earth. The person/incident grows smaller and disappears.
6. If you think you need to forgive yourself, say words that completely
release you from all that happened. Say words such as, “I don’t
need to carry this guilt anymore. I now allow myself to be free and
release any pain/shame/anger that I was holding onto.”

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Your Authentic Self

7. Imagine all limiting thoughts and emotions disappearing from your

mind and heart. See yourself becoming lighter, completely free and
happy again.
8. Take some deep breaths, let go and open your eyes. You can come
back to wakefulness using Step 3, in Exercise 5.1.

You can repeat this exercise a few more times until you feel you have completely let go.
This is when you no longer feel perturbed by the other person or incident that happened.
It is unlikely that you will completely forget the incident but instead of feeling pain you
will just feel neutral about it. I have provided another guided meditation that you can also
use to forgive, heal and let go18.

5.3 AFFIRM YOUR HAPPINESS

Creating steady and resilient self esteem takes time, practice and patience. As with any
learned skill, you must repeat the activities several times until it becomes natural habit.
Practicing regularly shouldn’t necessarily be hard work but simply a change in mind-set to
make self care a priority.

The following exercise combines mindfulness and gratitude with positive affirmations.
Being grateful is a wonderful way to raise your level of positive energy and create inner
happiness. When you are in a state of gratitude and gladness your fears or worries will
start to subside19.

Practice these daily self care thoughts as you go about your normal day and your level of
inner happiness will increase significantly. Repeating positive affirmations, with feeling, will
transform your self-beliefs, outlook and even your health. Once you get used to it, you can
develop your own affirmations.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Your Authentic Self

Toolbox

Exercise 5.3 Self Care Affirmations

Say these affirmations whilst feeling happiness and gratitude over the
course of the day for at least seven days.

Morning: when you wake up with your eyes closed.

– Thank you for a good sleep, thank you for this new day.
– I am happy with all that I have. (think of your home, work or family)
– I am so glad that I am a...................... person (qualities; e.g. confident/
efficient/ resourceful).
– I am successful in all that I do and today I am doing well.

Getting ready: whilst washing, brushing teeth, dressing, etc.

– I have strong, healthy teeth and I love my smile
– My eyes are beautiful and function perfectly
– I appreciate my face/hands/feet because .............
– My legs are strong and powerful
– I love and accept you just the way you are (look into your own
eyes in the mirror)

Eating meals:
– My body is healthy because I always eat good nutritious, food.
– Thank you my dear belly for turning all that I eat into good health
and energy
– I deserve to eat well and enjoy my meals.

Travelling: to and from work

– I am a good, careful driver / I always travel safely
– I am happy in my work, my home and in myself
– I say what I need to say and am always heard
– I deserve excellent results because I always do my best
– I deserve to take breaks and work at my own pace
– I always receive appreciation and am rewarded well
– I am very pleased that I have done a good days work

At Night: before sleep with hands on your upper belly:

– I am grateful for this day and all that I have received/done
– Today, I am very happy with ..................
– I am getting better at being more................. (qualities or skills)
– I am very happy and grateful for WHO I am
– As I roll into a good, deep sleep, I am at peace inside myself

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Your Authentic Self

Use the affirmations that are appropriate for you and amend them
according to your character, physical body and work-life. As before,
you can write them on sticky paper notes and put them up to help
remind you.

‘Self nurture’ means to treat yourself well, enjoy what you love and reward yourself in ways
that make you feel worthy and valued. This does not mean spending money or rewarding
yourself with food/drink but changing your attitude and caring for yourself.

One way to do this is to imagine you are your own best friend and ask yourself, “What
would he/she need, want or enjoy right now, that I can give?” Then, fulfil that need or
desire as best you can. This is about treating ourselves as well as our most beloved friend or
family member. For instance, if the answer is, “I really need a short break right now”, then
arrange to give yourself a short break. Or if the answer is, “I wish someone else would make
the dinner”, then ask someone to do it, or at least help, and explain why you deserve it.

Inner happiness is not something that just occurs in our lives but something that we make
happen. True happiness is a choice and you can decide whether you want to be the way
you were before or find that which gives you the greatest joy in life.

The final exercise I have for you is my favourite and I am sure you will think so too. By
making time to do the things you love and which make you feel good inside, you reinforce
your unconscious mind that you are valuable and worthy. We all know this but don’t give
it enough importance because we see it as being ‘self indulgent’ and not as self nurture.

Toolbox

Exercise 5.4 Self Nurture

In your notebook, write a list of activities that makes you feel

1. 
joyful or deeply content, for example:
– Visit a garden, museum or exhibition that you like
– Make your favourite meal
– Create something or enjoy a hobby
– Give yourself a pedicure or manicure
– Listen, dance or sing to your favourite music
– Do your favourite sport or exercise

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Your Authentic Self

– Tinker in the shed/garage/garden

– Watch a movie that you like
– Spend quality time alone with yourself
– Light candles and meditate
– Taking a walk in the fresh air
– Play a board game with your children

2. Then make time in your diary for doing at least one self nurturing
activity per week.

When you do something fun, creative or restful, you will be nurturing your spirit, heart
and deeper self. If you make self nurture a habit, you won’t need anything outside of yourself
to make you happy. This does not mean that other people will no longer be important in
your life but that your happiness will not depend on them.

It is when we truly accept that we deserve as much as we give to others, that our perspective
changes. This does not mean you should expect others to give you all that you deserve but
rather that you don’t leave the responsibility to them. When you start to nurture and care
for yourself, you will find that others will automatically care more for you too.

Being happy within yourself is a responsibility and you must treat it as such. It is akin to
being responsible for taking care of another person’s happiness. Loving and appreciating
another person is probably the greatest gift you can give them. So why not give the same
to yourself? Accept that you too are as worthy of your own love, care and appreciation.

Also, remember that parts of your persona will change over time. So, be kind to yourself
and be patient when you make mistakes. Give yourself time to grow, learn and make the
changes that you need. Allow your sense of worthiness to gradually increase and notice
before long, your level of genuine inner happiness will become unshakeable!

As you grow happier inside yourself, you might begin to notice an amazing side-effect
in the dynamic between you and your immediate external world. When you are happier
in yourself, you will naturally create a ripple effect in the environment and people around
you. Happiness is contagious and it will spread without you even trying! This is when you
are truly aligned with your purpose, your whole self and become the authentic you that
the world needs to see.

Just for your own curiosity, after a couple of months you can do the first exercise again,
2.1 from chapter two, after a couple of months and compare your results to your previous
self esteem measure. Put a reminder in your diary now so you don’t forget.

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Your Authentic Self

By now, I hope you are having and enjoying more genuine, steady self esteem and are at
peace with the way you are so that you can confidently say, “I am happy with myself”! I
would love to hear your story so do write and let me know how you have grown or changed.
As always, I wish you a life time of inner joy, soul satisfaction and blissful contentment.

With love, Nazish

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AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? End notes

END NOTES

Acknowledgements
• This book is dedicated to my mother who battled her own dragons and paved
her own path. Thank you for helping me become the WHO I am today.
• To all my inspiring and amazing female friends and their unending support.
• With immense gratitude to Book Boon for allowing me to publish the ‘Am I
Happy’ series.

Please Note
The Tools and methods described in this book are designed by myself, the author and should
only be used by the reader and not copied or shared without permission. The exercises should
be conducted with utmost care as they delve into the unconscious mind and, as in all of
the books, they should be used with a full understanding of the psychological implications
and for positive interventions only.

Coaching and More

If you have any questions, queries or thoughts you would like to share, please send me an
email and I would be delighted to reply to you personally. You may wish to get some extra
help with the techniques or methods suggested for which I can provide online one-to-one
life coaching. Simply write me a short message via email or via Facebook Messenger with
your request.

Currently, I am developing a range of life changing courses due to be held on the Canary
islands, Spain! These will include further exploration of the concepts mentioned in my
books along with hands-on strategies to help you apply the knowledge to your own life.
These workshop courses will only be for small groups so if you are interested please send
me an email, subscribe to my website or give my Facebook page a Like to receive updates
and further information.

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56
AM I HAPPY WITH MYSELF? Resources

RESOURCES
1. Psychcentral.com: How do you know if you have high self esteem?
Meet Yourself; A User’s Guide to Building Self Esteem: video by Niko Everett
2. The Inquisitive Mind: Selfie-Esteem, ...body dissatisfaction and social media,
1/2018
3. M. J. Sorenson, 2006. Self Esteem Test
4. The Long Reach of Childhood: On Being the Outsider, Ditta M. Olliker, 2012
5. Rethinking Men: 10 Models of Our Self, 2016, Anthony Synnott
6. Changing Minds: Limiting Beliefs
Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, Joe Dispenza, 2012
7. Psychology Today: Turn Self Defeating Thoughts Around, Margaret Wehrenberg,
2012
8. Upliftconnect.com: How to Feed Your Demons, Lama Tsultrim Allione, 2017
9. ZenLifeRelax: 432Hz Destroy unconscious blockages and fear: Meditation music
video.
10. Deborah Knox: Accomplishments Inventory Guidelines
11. Image of ring binder folder
12. The Key to Self Esteem? Accomplishment, Richard E. Cytowic, 2012
13. Researchgate.net: Body Image and Self Esteem studies
14. Your body language may shape who you are; Amy Cuddy, 2012: Ted Talk video
15. QuestionPro.com: What is 360 Degree Feedback?
16. Positive Daily Affirmations, Positive Psychology Program, 2019
Unlock Your Life: I am Worthy Affirmations video, Sarah Dresser
17. We All Need Role Models to Motivate and Inspire Us, Susan Krauss
Whitbourne, Psychology Today
18. Sleep Easy Relax; Forgive Before Sleep meditation video
19. The Healing Power of Gratitude, Lisa Firestone, Psych Alive

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