Principles of Effective Parenting How Socialization Works

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Title: Principles of effective parenting : how socialization works /
Joan E. Grusec.
Description: New York, NY : Guilford Press, [2019] | Includes
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Identifiers: LCCN 2019010748 |ISBN 9781462541560 (paperback :
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 Preface

T here is no more important job in the world than raising the next
generation. Children come into the world ready and eager to
become part of a social group, but they need guidance and help to
learn what the requirements are to be happy and responsible mem-
bers of that group. They need to learn values and associated behaviors
that will assist them in this undertaking. Unfortunately, there seems to
be considerable confusion about the best procedures for achieving this
learning. Whereas it is relatively easy to follow instructions for baking
a cake, driving a car, or building a house, it is not so easy to follow
instructions for raising a child. It’s not that such instructions do not
exist. When I most recently Googled “parenting,” I got 286,000,000
hits. “Child rearing” and “childrearing” yielded a total of 6,950,000
hits. The problem is that the rules are often contradictory, even when
they are based on research findings. Go along with your children’s
wishes, but be strict. Respond to your child’s crying, but don’t, because
it will reinforce the undesirable behavior of crying. Spanking in mod-
eration is a useful tool, but it leads to antisocial behavior. Researchers
aren’t always sure what to conclude from various theories and find-
ings; parents despair of so-­called “expert” advice, but they continue to
worry about whether they are doing the best job possible.
This book is about the socialization of children—­the process by
which they learn values and behaviors associated with those values.
It focuses primarily on the role parents play in the process. Other
v
vi Preface

individuals and events are also involved in socialization—­ teachers,

peers, grandparents, coaches, siblings, the mass media, and (increas-
ingly) social media—­and many of the principles that apply to being a
parent are also relevant to these other people and events. But parents
have a special role to play for a number of reasons. They are usually
assigned the primary role for child rearing; they have to live with their
children on a daily basis; and they have a relationship that, unlike other
relationships, is extremely difficult to sever.

THE DOMAIN APPROACH

„„

This book is an attempt to organize existing research in a way that

makes it seem less contradictory. This organization has definite impli-
cations for practical concerns about raising children. The argument I
present is that parenting takes place in different domains, and that the
appropriate parenting response depends on the domain in which a child
is currently operating. There is no one action that is appropriate across
the board. Rather, there are many different ways to achieve the same
goal of teaching children how to behave in a socially appropriate way. I
suggest that the topics addressed in socialization research can be broken
down into five domains, although that does not mean that a differ-
ent approach to categorization might not yield more domains. Two of
the domains provide a foundation for effective learning of values. The
remaining three provide different ways of helping children acquire spe-
cific values and associated action.
The domains that provide a foundation are “protection” and
“reciprocity.” Protection involves parents’ keeping children safe from
danger and helping them cope with upsetting or distressing situations.
Children whose parents can be relied upon to be available when com-
fort and protection are needed feel secure. As a result, they are able to
explore their world, confident in the knowledge that they can return to
a safe base if life becomes dangerous. Over time, children learn to take
on the protection role themselves as they are taught to cope with feel-
ings of distress. When children can cope with their own distress, they
also become able to deal with the distress or needs of others. In this
way, they adopt behavior that helps them to become better members of
the social group. In the protection domain, children also learn to trust
their parents to have their best interests at heart, and so they become
more willing to go along with parental direction.
Preface vii

The second domain is the reciprocity domain. This is the domain

in which parents respond to reasonable requests from their children.
Such requests frequently occur during play when children want to
engage in a particular activity, but they can happen at other times as
well. When their wishes are granted, children become more likely to
grant their parents’ wishes in turn; they are more willing to comply
or reciprocate if their parents have built up a store of good will. The
reciprocity domain presents a special challenge, as it can require that
parents engage in actions they might find boring or time-­consuming.
But such engagement pays off in the form of children’s compliance
with parents’ requests in future interactions.
The domains that involve teaching children specific values are
“control,” “guided learning,” and “group participation.” The control
domain is activated when children misbehave and when parents need
to respond in some way that will reduce the chances of the misbe-
havior’s recurring. It is a domain in which parents have a particular
interest, because a child’s misdeeds require an immediate response, and
because these misdeeds are frequently accompanied by anger and frus-
tration for parents and child alike. Thus it is the domain where the most
research has been conducted. What should a parent do when a child has
misbehaved? And, of course, what should a parent do when a child has
behaved in a particularly exemplary fashion?
The guided learning domain has received much less formal atten-
tion in the socialization literature than the control domain has. It is
activated not when children have misbehaved, but when an opportu-
nity arises for a lesson to be learned. In this domain, parents read stories
to their children that depict the importance of particular values, or they
talk with their children about emotions or behaviors. Guided learning
also occurs when parents and children reminisce about past experi-
ences. These previous experiences could include children’s antisocial
behavior or distress, but the time for discipline or comfort is long gone,
and so the interaction now becomes an exchange of views about past
events. Finally, in the group participation domain, children observe
socially acceptable behavior exhibited by others, as well as take part in
rituals, routines, and interactions with others. The latter cement their
feelings of group belongingness and encourage them to think that the
beliefs and values of their own group are a desirable and appropriate
guide for action.
The notion of domains of social life and their role in socialization
was initially proposed by Bugental and Goodnow (1998) and Bugental
viii Preface

(2000). The argument was that, rather than being prepared to engage
in stable response patterns across different social contexts, children
require responses that are conditional on particular situations in which
they are currently functioning. Accordingly, children and parents use
different rules to manage the distinctive problems associated with basic
domains of social life. Further elaboration of this position came in
Bugental and Grusec (2006) and Grusec and Davidov (2007, 2010).

ORGANIZATION
„„

This book consists of eight chapters. The first chapter provides an over-
view of general issues related to socialization. The second is focused
on how researchers have addressed the problem of moral development.
The chapter deals with only one value (caring for others), albeit a sin-
gularly important one and, accordingly, one that has received con-
siderable research attention. Most of that research deals with issues
that are not directly focused on socialization. It is useful, however,
to see how it relates to and informs an understanding of socializa-
tion. The last chapter offers a set of conclusions about the domains-­of-­
socialization approach. Each of the intervening chapters reviews the
research on a particular domain in the socialization literature and is a
potentially stand-­a lone presentation of the five different areas of inves-
tigation. Chapters 2–­7 each also include a discussion of how, histori-
cally, researchers have studied the particular topic being addressed in
that chapter. It is, at the very least, an informative exercise to see how
thinking has changed over time and what forces have been operating to
promote those changes in thinking. Setting theoretical disagreements
in this historical context helps us to understand how those disagree-
ments came to be and how they might be resolved.
Throughout the book, use is made of narratives collected dur-
ing my own research. These narratives come from young adults from
a wide variety of cultural groups who were asked to describe a time
when they had learned an important value or lesson. Analyses of the
narratives provide insights into the mechanisms of learning occurring
in each domain. Chapters 3–­7 also conclude with examples of chil-
dren’s behavior in the different domains; in each chapter, readers are
asked to select which of several possible parenting actions, based on
research findings reviewed in that chapter, might be most effective for
socialization.
Preface ix

This book is intended primarily for an academic audience, as well

as for professionals who work with children and parents or other adults.
The ultimate hope, of course, is that the ideas presented here might
help parents feel more confident about their socialization practices, and
there is no reason that this book might not be helpful for them as well.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
„„

I owe a debt of gratitude to many colleagues, among them former

students, who have stimulated and contributed to my thinking about
socialization processes. Daphne Bugental is one of those colleagues, and
I valued our friendship and interactions highly. Jacqueline Goodnow
was also a dear friend and a source of considerable intellectual chal-
lenge. Maayan Davidov, once my student, has been closely involved
in the development of ideas about domains of socialization, and I am
exceedingly grateful that we have been able to work so closely together.
I single out four other recently or almost recently graduated students:
Maria Chaparro, Tanya Danyliuk, Amanda Sherman, and Julia Vinik.
Their wish to translate the domains into an educational program for
parents has produced many lively and productive evenings of discus-
sion. Finally, numerous other graduate students, including Courtney
Braun, as well as a host of undergraduates who have worked in my lab
over the years, have all been important contributors to my thinking
and writing about parenting and the socialization process.
I sincerely appreciate the continued financial research support over
many years that I have received from the Social Science and Humani-
ties Research Council of Canada, as well as involvement in the research
by the families whose members have given so generously of their time
as they shared their thoughts and feelings about parenting with me and
my students. Thanks also to reviewers of the first draft of this book—­
John Gibbs, Deborah Laible, Jennifer Lansford, Eric Lindsey, Greg Pet-
tit, and Judi Smetana—­for their careful reading and thoughtful sugges-
tions for improvement.
To my family—­Bob Lockhart and Carolyn Lockhart—­my thanks
for your support and caring, with special thanks to Bob for his endless
willingness to listen to and critique my thinking.
 Contents

1. How Values Are Learned: An Introduction 1

The Importance of Parenting 2
„„
Features of This Book 3
„„
What Are the Domains of Socialization? 4
„„
Establishing Direction of Effect or Causality
„„
in Parenting Research 8
Values and Socialization 11
„„
Culture and Socialization 23
„„
Moving On 25
„„

2. Moral Values, Reasoning, Affect, and Action 26

Moral Development and Reasoning 26
„„
Moral Emotions and Moral Action 31
„„
Intuitive Morality 34
„„
Moving On 38
„„

3. The Protection Domain: 39

Responsiveness to Distress and Security
„„Origins of Attachment Theory 40
„„Some Features of Attachment 50
„„Maternal Responsiveness to Distress versus Maternal
Sensitive Responsiveness 55
„„Children’s Coping, Empathy, Sympathy, and Prosocial Behavior 57
„„Conclusion 63
zzChapter 1 Scenarios Revisited 63
BOX 3.1. Scenarios from the Protection Domain 64

4. The Reciprocity Domain: 65

Compliance with Reasonable Requests
Parent–Child Interaction 66
„„
Reciprocity and Readiness to Be Socialized
„„ 68
Mutual Reciprocity and Synchrony 73
„„

xi
xii Contents

„„Synchrony versus Parental Responsiveness to Child Requests 76

„„Moving beyond Play: Healthy Nutrition and Technology Use 78
„„Conclusion 79
„„A Postscript 80
zzChapter 1 Scenarios Revisited 81
BOX 4.1. Scenarios from the Reciprocity Domain 81

5. Learning Values in the Control Domain: 82

Discipline and Reward
„„The Control Domain and Value Learning 84
„„Two Approaches to Control 86
„„Moderators of Discipline Effectiveness, and Different Forms
of Reasoning and Power Assertion Compared 98
„„Effective Parenting in the Control Domain: Core Skills 107
„„Other Parenting Strategies in the Control Domain 111
„„Conclusion 116
zzChapter 1 Scenarios Revisited 117
BOX 5.1. Scenarios from the Control Domain 118

6. Learning Values in the Guided Learning Domain: 119

Conversations and Reminiscences about Values
„„The Zone of Proximal Development, and Scaffolding 120
„„Conversations about Values and Coping 122
„„Conversations Involving Past Experience: Reminiscence 130
„„Conclusion 134
zzChapter 1 Scenarios Revisited 135
BOX 6.1. Scenarios from the Guided Learning Domain 136

7. Learning Values in the Group Participation Domain: 137

Observation and Engagement with Others
„„Observational Learning 139
„„Rituals, Routines, and Engagement with Others 145
„„Conclusion 152
zzChapter 1 Scenarios Revisited 154
BOX 7.1. Scenarios from the Group Participation Domain 154

8. Final Thoughts 155

Co‑Occurrence of Domains 155
„„
Differences between Mothers and Fathers
„„
and among Cultural Groups 158
Value Learning in the Guided Learning and Group
„„
Participation Domains: Some Comparisons 161
Internalization Visited Once Again 162
„„
Domains as a Useful Framework for Understanding Socialization:
„„
A Final Look 166

References 169

Index 197

About the Author 203

 CHAPTER 1

How Values Are Learned

An Introduction

T his book is about “socialization”—about how new members of a

group are helped by older members to acquire the values, norms,
beliefs, and behaviors necessary to become successful group members.
The process has been described by Bugental and Goodnow (1998) as a
continuing collaboration between elders and novices, or old hands and
newcomers, as the old hands help the new arrivals become part of the
social community. The socialization process occurs in many settings,
such as starting a new job, immigrating to a new country, becoming a
parent, or joining a social club. In this book, I focus on children as the
novices and their parents or primary caregivers as the old hands. It is
in the family context that children are prepared to enter and become
successful members of the larger social community where they will
spend the rest of their lives. Although siblings, teachers, friends, group
leaders, coaches, characters portrayed in the mass media, and (increas-
ingly) persons encountered through social media also have roles to play
in socializing children, parents are of particular importance because
they have greater control over their children, as well as longer and more
sustained periods of access to them, than any of these other people.
There are a number of reasons for parents’ greater access to and
control of their children. First of all, human beings have evolved to have
a long period of dependency after birth, and so there is considerable
time available for parents to teach values and appropriate behavior. As
1
2 Principles of Effective Parenting

well, in the majority of cultures, parents are assigned primary respon-

sibility for this teaching. Because they spend so much time with their
children, parents have the opportunity to develop relationships with
them that are essential for successful socialization. They also have time
and opportunity to monitor their children’s activities and so to develop
knowledge of what their children are doing, as well as to become
familiar with their children’s predispositions—­another essential ingre-
dient for effective socialization. And, possibly most important of all,
parents have to live in close proximity to their children. Therefore, in
order to ensure their own comfort and well-being, most parents want
to be surrounded by well-­behaved children who follow the norms and
requirements of family and societal functioning.
Successful socialization in the family means that children must
learn to regulate or temper their emotions, so that they are able to con-
trol feelings of anger, frustration, fear, and sadness that interfere with
the display of socially acceptable behavior. They must also acquire the
standards, attitudes, and values that direct this behavior. In the course
of deliberately socializing their children, parents also less intentionally
teach other skills, including ways of resolving conf lict and of viewing
relationships. As well, their parenting has both a direct and an indi-
rect effect on their children’s feelings of self-­esteem and self-­efficacy.
Finally, when parenting is problematic, it can give rise not only to
antisocial behavior or externalizing problems, but also to internalizing
problems such as anxiety and depression.

THE IMPORTANCE OF PARENTING

„„

Given all that needs to be accomplished during the course of socializa-

tion, as well as its importance, it is easily argued that childrearing is the
most significant job there is. Indeed, leaving a mark on the next gen-
eration, either as a parent or in some other capacity, is central to a sense
of satisfaction with one’s life. In The Children of Men, written in 1992
and set in 2021, the novelist P. D. James describes a world in which it
is no longer possible for people to reproduce. As a result, humanity
has lost its future. With no children to rear, people cease caring and
become depressed. Democracy is abandoned, a dictator rules, and there
is no interest in the arts or other activities. Convicted criminals are
sent to a penal colony where they are abandoned, and older people are
How Values Are Learned 3

encouraged to commit suicide. This is a world with no children and no

future, and it is far from a happy one—­simply because investment in
future replacements and in the passing on of experience is what gives
meaning to existence.

FEATURES OF THIS BOOK

„„

There are many books, articles, and websites about parenting in general,
and specifically about how children and adolescents can be encouraged
to become productive contributors to, and happy members of, society.
They are of two sorts: those intended for an academic and professional
audience, and those intended to offer helpful suggestions to parents
on how to raise their children. In both cases, however, there can be a
problem when findings from the research are mixed, or when the con-
tent of the advice is contradictory. Thus one approach may emphasize
sensitive parenting that is responsive to the needs and wishes of the
child. Another underlines the importance of setting limits and the uti-
lization of rewards and punishments in promoting acceptable behavior.
In the middle is an approach that encourages the setting of limits and
the utilization of consequences, but that also encourages responsive-
ness to the child’s wishes. Some writers approve of occasional spank-
ing under specified conditions, and others see spanking as absolutely
harmful under all conditions. Parents are advised to use positive rein-
forcement, but they are also told that positive reinforcement can be
counterproductive. Time out is alleged to be an excellent form of disci-
pline, but only if administered properly. Children should be cocooned
or protected from unpleasant experiences, or they should be exposed
to them and taught how to cope. It is not surprising, then, that people
sometimes despair at the confusion surrounding how to carry out the
most important job in the world. Nor is it surprising that an exasper-
ated mother wrote the following about “expert parenting advice”:

Keep the room warm, but not too warm.

Co-­sleeping is the best way to get sleep, except that it can kill your
baby, so never, ever do it. If your baby doesn’t die, you will need to bed-
share until college.
Don’t let your baby sleep too long, except when they’ve been nap-
ping too much, then you should wake them. Never wake a sleeping baby.
Swaddle the baby tightly, but not too tightly.
4 Principles of Effective Parenting

You should start a routine and keep track of everything. Don’t

watch the clock. Put them on a schedule.
Put them on their backs to sleep, but don’t let them be on their backs
too long or they will be developmentally delayed.

This book is an attempt to sort out some of the contradictions and

to organize what is currently known about the socialization of chil-
dren. To do so, I survey research on the various ways in which values
and associated behaviors can be acquired, when it is appropriate to use
a particular way, and what that way involves or requires. This approach
will, I hope, help readers to make sense of what are apparent inconsis-
tencies and offer a way of categorizing or organizing a very large body
of knowledge. The framework for organizing the research comes from
a “domains-­of-­socialization” approach, first proposed by Bugental and
Goodnow (1998) and Bugental (2000), and elaborated by Bugental and
Grusec (2006) and Grusec and Davidov (2010). This approach views
socialization as occurring in several different kinds of situations or
contexts, with each context involving different kinds of parent–­child
interactions and different requirements for successful socialization.

WHAT ARE THE DOMAINS OF SOCIALIZATION?

„„

To anticipate my later, much lengthier descriptions of the socializa-

tion domains, I provide a brief summary here. The first two domains
(“protection” and “reciprocity”) have to do with the development of a
relationship with the parent or agent of socialization that supports the
teaching of values and associated behavior in the next three domains
(“control,” “guided learning,” and “group participation”). Specifically,
the domains involve the following:

1. Protection. Parents act as caregivers and providers of comfort

when their children are distressed, as well as help them to deal with
distress on their own. As a result, children become secure in the knowl-
edge that they will be kept safe and, ultimately, that they have the abil-
ity to cope with distress on their own. The ability to cope with their
own distress makes it easier for children to provide assistance to others
who are distressed.
Here are two scenarios involving children who are in the protec-
tion domain.
How Values Are Learned 5

Chris (6 years old) is invited to a neighbor’s house to see their new

dog. Chris hasn’t had much experience with dogs, and he says he’s
afraid and doesn’t want to go. His father tries to help him overcome
his fear.

Janice (12 years old) comes home from school looking very sad and
immediately goes to her room. Her mother asks if anything is wrong.
Janice says that she has just had a fight with her best friend and is
afraid they will never be friends again. Her mother expresses con-
cern.

2. Reciprocity. An exchange or egalitarian relationship is set up,

with parent and child mutually interactive and compliant. This domain
ref lects an inherent tendency to reciprocate favors: When one partner
complies with reasonable requests, the other partner is more likely to
comply with that individual’s future reasonable requests.
Here are two examples in this domain:

Alan (5 years old) and his mother are waiting in the airport terminal
for their boarding call. Mother is texting, and Alan is bored. He asks
his mother if they can go and watch some planes taking off. Mother
agrees to do so, if they don’t go too far. (Later, on the plane, Alan’s
mother asks him to stop kicking the seat in front of him, and Alan
does so immediately.)

Stella (8 years old) asks her father, who is watching the news, to play
a card game with her. Dad finds this particular card game espe-
cially boring. However, he complies. (Later, Dad asks Stella to bring
him the newspaper. Stella does so immediately.)

3. Control. Misbehavior is corrected through the use of reward

and punishment, combined with reasoning and explanation. In this
domain, the relationship is a hierarchical one, and children are required
by their parents to learn to regulate or control their own behavior in
accord with societal demands and values.
Here are two examples in the control domain:

Amanda (8 years old) is extremely difficult to get up in the morning.

As a result, she makes other people late for work or school. Her par-
ents try to get her to be more considerate of the other family mem-
bers’ needs.

Charlie (14 years old) is frustrated because he can’t solve a math

problem for school. His mother is trying to help him when his
6 Principles of Effective Parenting

younger brother asks if he can borrow Charlie’s new baseball bat.

Charlie yells at his brother and tells him to keep his grubby hands off
his (Charlie’s) possessions. Charlie’s mother tries to get him to better
control his anger.

4. Guided learning. Appropriate action is encouraged through

teaching at the child’s level of understanding. The goal here is for the
child to internalize or take over the parent’s way of thinking, including
the parent’s values.
Examples of guided learning are as follows:

Tara (8 years old) and her father walk by a homeless man lying in a
doorway. Tara asks her father why he is lying there. Her father begins
a discussion about people who are homeless and in need.

Jimmy (5 years old) likes to have his father read him stories at bed-
time. His father especially likes to select stories that involve being
kind to other people or to animals.

5. Group participation. Information about what is acceptable

behavior is acquired through watching others and engaging in rou-
tines and rituals, as well as in socially approved activities with others.
Socialization in this domain takes advantage of the child’s desire to be a
member of the group and to be similar to other members of the group.
It includes learning by observing others, as well as acquiring values and
related actions by actually engaging in desirable behavior with others.
Two examples of group participation are these:

Terry (12 years old) is not as kind and considerate as his parents would
like him to be. They try to provide examples of kind behavior that will
help him to change. For example, Terry and his parents routinely visit
an animal shelter where they spend time walking the dogs.

Grace (8 years old) wants to watch TV with her mother. Her mother
suggests they watch a well-­reviewed movie about a young woman
with a disability who trains hard and wins a medal at the Paralym-
pics.

Table 1.1 summarizes each of those domains. It lists the particular

kind of parent–­child relationship that is elicited in each domain, what
the parent needs to do to be an effective agent of socialization, and how
parenting works in that domain. In some cases, the parent is reacting to
something the child has done; in other cases, the parent is anticipating
How Values Are Learned 7

TABLE 1.1. Domains of Socialization, with Type of Parent–Child

Relationship, Nature of Required Parenting, and Mechanism
Involved in Each Domain
Domain Relationship Parenting required Mechanism

Protection Provider–recipient Alleviate child’s Confidence in

of care distress protection

Reciprocity Exchange Grant reasonable Innate tendency to

requests reciprocate

Control Hierarchical Discipline in Learning of self-

effective way control

Guided Teacher–student Scaffold learning Internalization of

learning teacher’s approach

Group Members of the Expose to positive Sense of social

participation same social group behavior through identity
observation and
participation

what the child might do in the future (and either encouraging or dis-
couraging such future action, depending on its acceptability). Specifi-
cally, the protection, reciprocity, and control domains all involve an
initial action on the child’s part—­d istress, a request, or behavior of
either a positive or negative nature. The guided learning and group
participation domains involve parents taking the initiative and engag-
ing in teaching or providing models of positive social behavior, as well
as providing opportunities for engaging in such behavior.
This book includes five chapters (Chapters 3–7) that are devoted
to each of the domains, with the intention that the categorization into
domains will help to highlight central features of socialization and to
show how effective parenting can be achieved in each domain. Each
of these five chapters begins with a brief historical overview of how
research in that particular domain came to be conducted, including its
theoretical underpinnings and the way in which conceptualizations of
that domain have changed over time. In real life, of course, domains
do not operate in isolation, and parent and child often find themselves
in more than one domain or moving from one domain into another. I
defer a discussion of this to Chapter 8, after each domain has been fully
described on its own.
Before I move to a discussion of domains, however, there are issues
having to do with socialization in general that need to be addressed.