Act 3 The Art of Growing Older

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With special thanks to Professor Richard Vincent for the chapter on health,
and grateful thanks also to Michael Leunig for his cartoons
 Contents
A Note on the Authors
By the Same Author
Dedication

Chapter One: How to Live the Life You Never Had

Chapter Two: Begin with the End in Mind
Chapter Three: Get Back to Your Roots
1 Attitude
2 Purpose
3 Values
4 Key Relationships
Chapter Four: Health and The Science of Growing Older,
written by Professor Richard Vincent
Chapter Five: The Branches of the Tree
1 Work
2 Play
3 Home
4 Friends
5 Money
6 World
7 Your Special Branch
Chapter Six: What Helps the Tree
Chapter Seven: What Hurts the Tree, Fear and Loss
Chapter Eight: Accept Transition
Chapter Nine: Act 4 – The Art of Dying
Chapter Ten: The End – Or Is It the Beginning?

Resources
Notes
Credits
More about the Authors
Index
Supporters
Copyright
 Chapter One
How to Live the Life You Never Had
You cannot go back and change the beginning,
but you can start where you are and change the
ending.
– James R. Sherman, Rejection1

You are making history. Something strange has happened to the baby-
boom generation and those who came after – our picture of old people no
longer fits. Our idea of retirement has retired. We’re undergoing a major
awakening of what’s possible in our 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond.
• A woman we know has had her first baby – she’s 51.
• Idols from our youth are active and frighteningly fit. Sit down,
Mick Jagger.
• 70- and 80-year-olds are everywhere cycling, in Lycra. With
straight faces.
Something’s changed. Life has an extra act.
We call it Act 3.
Act 3 is the period from around 50 to 75+ that used to be called
retirement. It’s now a massive opportunity to enjoy better health and fulfil
higher expectations for many more years. No previous generation has had
this opportunity.

We, your authors, are in Act 3 ourselves, and in recent years, our eyes
and ears have been alerted to those who are up to all sorts. They are making
their Act 3 the time when they use their imagination, their strengths and
their hard-won wisdom to create a new life full of adventure, meaning and
fulfillment – not regrets. It seems there is an art to this, some sort of insider
knowledge and certain secrets that need sharing. Some people have really
turned on the lights in their twilight years and they have inspired us. We’ve
interviewed many people for this book from many backgrounds – they’ve
been generous in sharing their Act 3 adventures. Some contributors have
been given a pseudonym to protect their privacy; others were happy to
share their stories more openly.
These stories, along with our coaching experience, are given here to
inspire you to create and live your own Act 3 years so you spring out of bed
in the morning, with a To Do list that meets your ambitions, your values,
not somebody else’s.
For some, that might mean travel, for others volunteering or spending
time with grandchildren. Or adopting children, as we shall see. It could
mean starting a business or a charity. Is it time to write that book, take up
painting or learn a new language? Maybe you have always wanted to dance
or play an instrument or sail to New Zealand. It’s not too late. We’ll tell you
about Cecil who retrained as a dancer and is now on tour, in his late 60s. Or
Trish, aged 70, who has found meaning and purpose in starting an online
make-up range for older women. Then there’s John, the Cambridge
professor of neuroscience now running a café with his son, where milk is
poured from a jug John made in his pottery studio.
These people, and many more, are all reinventing the old, tired picture
of retirement, and they all share three things in common. As they
approached retirement age, they had a great desire to do something
meaningful and enjoyable in this extra time. They gave themselves
permission to go after these goals and make them a reality. And they keep in
mind there is increasing risk in Act 3 that something physical, mental,
financial or fatal could scupper dreams and plans – so best get on with it.
Before bits of your body pack up, negativity kicks in, money worries
overwhelm you or you breathe your last, what do you want your Act 3 years
to be about? That’s the only purpose of the book that’s in your hands right
now.
So, where are you at this stage in your life, and what do we mean by
Acts 1, 2, 3 and 4?
Act 1, Act 2, Act 3, Act 4
Act 1 – that’s the growing up bit. If it was a season, you’d call it spring.
The baby, the child, the teenager and the young adult. Act 1 usually merges
into Act 2 when you leave home, but in the current economic climate, that
is not as clearly defined as it once was, with many adult children returning
to the family nest when jobs, money or romance issues make it the best or
only option.
 Act 2 – is the summertime stage when you’re independent from your
parents, and carries on through your 30s, 40s and, for some, into their 50s
or beyond. Act 2 is busy. There is money to earn, a career to grow, maybe a
life partner or long-term relationships and, for many, raising children, and
coping with the decline of their own parents.

Act 3 – and then for many comes retirement, which historically has
meant pipe and slippers, decline and death. We could summarise Act 3 as a
big time of change and increasing loss. From eyesight to waistlines,
routines of work and family life, it’s all change. And for most women, the
physical and emotional upheaval of the menopause will be a major part of
their transition into Act 3, and can feel like the end of the world. (It isn’t.)
When the state old-age pension was first introduced in 1908, it was for
the one in four people who had made it to age 70, and the life expectancy
then was an average of nine more years. Therefore, not that long for the
state to provide for not that many oldies. A century later, we have millions
living longer, creating a huge burden on the state purse.
On the upside, we have this whole new chunk of time to do something
with, we are in better health, and with more resources than any previous
generation. The autumn of our lives, Act 3.

Act 4 – and after autumn, comes the winter. Our Act 4, when we can be
as helpless as a baby, but with the mind of a sage, sitting in a care home
with a TV on at full volume. But we’re not there yet.

We’re interested in Act 3, because this is an exciting time and full of

potential.
Moving from Act 2 to Act 3 Can Get Eggy
In the same way, the Act 2 experiences you’ve had – to leave home,
maybe more education, to stand on your own feet, to make a career, to earn
some money, perhaps make a relationship, make a home, maybe create a
family, take care of health and responsibilities – can be so draining that it
results in scrambled-egg brain at the beginning of Act 3. Maybe you forgot
what you came for. Is this it? Who am I now? Who do I want to be? Where
am I headed?
 Scrambled-egg brain: At the end of a long day cycling Land’s
End to John o’Groat’s (870 miles from the bottom of England to the
very top of Scotland), my cycle partner Kip and I crawled off our
bicycles after 100 hilly, wet, windy miles. Such had been the power
drain on our bodies we could barely form thoughts, let alone speak. We
were in survival mode. Kip, who was celebrating his 60th, would just
say, ‘Scrambled egg’. It summed up our inability to think straight.
Having had a shower and supper, the scrambled-egg-brain effect
wore off and we were able to make simple decisions again. We’d made
the transition.
– Robbie
We think understanding transition is important. It feeds your tree. The
tree we are talking about is our unique model to help you create your Act 3.
More on the tree soon. You’ll find 7 steps that help with transition in the
chapter ‘The Branches of the Tree’.
My husband retires in 2 weeks. I’m absolutely dreading it. He has no
idea what he’ll do all day.
– corporate lawyer married to corporate lawyer

Relax. This is entirely normal. Lots of people get major egg over
themselves without meaning to because they’ve been so committed to the
duties of Act 2, career, family, home. Things get confusing for the best
reasons.
Unless, of course, you have a plan. Some people are raring to go . . .
Midlife, not death
The other important truth about mid to later life and the retirement years
is facing change and loss. We’ll dig into this in more detail, but if you only
read this far, part of why we wanted to write this book is to offer an
alternative to the destructiveness of midlife crisis behaviour that comes
from difficulties around ageing and loss. We have seen too many
relationships crash, money spent on stuff that promises to make your life
better or addictions dominating your time. The midlife crisis destroys lives
and wastes potential. Let’s not go there, it’s not inevitable.
 I used to find map reading and navigating easy, I was good at it too.
But the other day, I got us lost driving to a party, a 30-minute delay
which really upset me. I realised it wasn’t just being late, it was being
faced with getting older . . . losing my map-reading skills.
– Andy, 61

Act 3: The Art of Growing Older could be many books – it’s a massive
subject. Our goal in writing it has always been to aim for a book that is
useful, loved and shared by the reader. We had those words on a Post-it by
our computers.
We have curated the parts of Act 3 that we see counting the most. It’s
written in a workbook style to help you create a much better version of your
life at this stage, whether you’re ignoring it, in it or almost out the other
side.

What you’ll get in this book

• How to re-imagine what’s possible for you in all the important
areas of your life and what your purpose is, in Act 3. We’ll give you
examples, and a structure to think about values, work, play, home,
relationships, you and your interests.
• How to establish achievable goals that satisfy, instead of feeling
cheated by life.
• Tips, hints and suggestions to reflect and help you get there.
Plus references to further reading and online support.
Write your Act 3 story alongside this book

Part of the process of making a better future for yourself is found in

thinking, reflecting and dreaming it into life. This is best done by writing or
drawing your notes, your ideas, and your dreams and plans. Please find
yourself a lovely notebook to use as a journal as you read the book.
Questions are asked throughout which we hope you’ll answer in your
journal – you might do these exercises as you read or you might choose to
return to them later. It’s up to you to decide how best to use your journal.
 Be responsible for your own learning. Work at your own pace. Write
what you actually feel. Not what you think you should feel, or think, or do.
Even better, we find it helps to share thoughts and plans you develop from
using this book with a partner or a close friend – if and when you are ready.
This is your book, use it however you like. You’ll get further faster if
you break your own rules. Write what you shouldn’t write. Draw what
you’ve never drawn.
Once you have your journal, describe or draw on the first page what you
want to gain from reading Act 3: The Art of Growing Older.
Language
For clarity we use ‘we’ when we are referring to ourselves, the authors,
and ‘you’ when we are referring to you, the reader who wants a great Act 3
whatever your circumstances. Any other language we use is intended to
make this a clear read, not to be confusing, judgemental or hurtful. Names
have been changed where requested to protect the guilty.
Health Warning
We will not:
• Advise you when to retire
• Give you financial advice
• Tell you about pension plans
• Recommend property sales or purchases
• Recommend ‘anti-ageing’ products
• Recommend a diet
• Shape your exercise regime
• Nag you about your alcohol, drug, smoking or shopping
addictions
• Transform your friends and relations
• Judge you

We will:
• Help you feel positive about getting older
• Help you feel quiet, calm and focused
• Reduce your worries
• Help you feel much clearer, less bewildered
 • Help you find your own mind to make better decisions about
the above
• Help you understand why you’re making those decisions
• Help you make your loved ones feel reassured about your
ageing years
• Help you have more fun
• Help you have more energy
• Help you get what you really, really want . . .
Real thinking is hard work
The best artists, writers, business people, organisations; the best people
in healthcare, the military, science, sports – top people in every walk of life
– have to struggle to think differently about stuff they are familiar with.
It’s hard to think new thoughts. Very hard. Humans normally conserve
energy by acting habitually – not really thinking new, challenging thoughts.
Some housekeeping to note

Take care of yourself along the way: This is not a book about learning
holiday French. It will ask the deepest part of your heart and mind to think
long and hard about yourself now, and in the future. Sometimes that can
hurt. Where you see the ‘Take Care’ cross, that alerts you to the content and
the questions being particularly significant. You are probably better off
sitting somewhere quiet for those bits.

Speak out: Say things out loud to yourself. Something changes when
you speak thoughts and feelings out loud. You may think this is crazy – it
helps clarify what you think and feel about important stuff.

Where are you starting from?: We don’t know what you already know
about the art of getting older. There are plenty of resources out there on the
science of ageing, but this book is more about tapping into the art, the
secrets or the knack that some people seem to have that is giving them a
really good Act 3.
 You’ll probably know more than you think, and our intention is to add
to your wisdom. Some of what we say could be blindingly obvious. Some
of what we say you might not like. Sorry.

Creation: Creating a good Act 3 starts with the imagination. Everyone

has one. Children have no problem imagining all kinds of things and asking
limitless questions. One of ours asked, ‘Do the stars have feelings?’ As we
move through the relentless stage of Act 2, running our lives, building our
home, work and family, our imagination can sometimes wither. There’s just
so much to DO. But Act 3 is often characterised by more time and
possibility; it’s a great time to dust off your imagination, and let it run riot,
as if you were a kid again.

Every act of creation is first an act of destruction.2

Destruction disclaimer: To create a good new future, you will need to

destroy some things. This is normal and right. However, the authors cannot
accept responsibility for decisions you make as a result of reading this
book. If your partner leaves you, or you leave them . . . we hope you’ll live
with the new reality in a positive way.
How to use this book
We’ll give you the scaffolding you need to get the best out of the book.
 When people wrestle with important stuff, they find it difficult to know
where to start to unravel their mental spaghetti. Our method will make it
much easier, and very practical.
We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when
we created them.3
Cut the crap, time is short
We’ll help you to imagine, design, create and enjoy your Act 3. After
which you’ll be thinking and acting differently instead of fumbling around
wasting time.
This book is designed to help you increase self-awareness and self-
control, and to engage in planning that will enable you to make more
satisfying choices about your future.
A day is over and so much of it was wasted on things that meant
too little to you, duties and meetings from which your heart was
absent. Months and years pass and you fumble on, still incapable of
finding a foothold on the path of time you walk.
 A large proportion of your activity distracts you from
remembering that you are a guest of the universe, to whom one life has
been given. You mistake the insistent pressure of daily demands for
reality and your more delicate and intuitive nature wilts. When you
wake from your obsessions, you feel cheated.
Your longing is being numbed and your longing becomes merely
external. Your way of life has so little to do with what you feel and love
in the world. But, because of the many demands on you and
responsibilities that you have, you feel helpless to gather your self; you
are dragged in so many directions away from true belonging.
– John O’Donohue, Eternal Echoes4
Act and think differently

People think in mental pictures as much as words, so we’ll use images

as well as stories to help you make progress. Pay attention to the pictures
that come to your own mind – don’t be shy of reproducing what’s in your
head in your journal.
I knew I was in a muddle about the house and our future, and it felt
like this growing black cloud over the house.

Abandon pictures and thoughts that don’t resonate for you. Seize the
ones that have power. Notice the little details that appeal to you, you’ve
noticed them for a reason.
There’s no rush
We’ve put quotes, illustrations and stories to ponder to help you connect
with your real self. Make a nice drink. Sit down. Switch your phone off.
Stop. Breathe. Listen to yourself. Go at your own pace.
The Act 3 tree
 We love trees. We have created the Act 3 tree as a way to focus on all
the areas of your life that are most likely to need attention. Some parts of
the tree are more important than others – the 4 Roots come first. They
sustain everything.

The 7 Branches stand for the areas that affect and involve you
daily.

The Fruits are the goals you want most in your life.

The Leaves are the steps you need to get there.

Later we’ll discuss what can hurt the tree and ways to help the
tree.
Create your Act 3 tree
You can use ours, or draw your own. Whatever works best for you.

4 Roots: The four essential roots are:

 Attitude – how you view Act 3. It’s a choice.
Purpose – why you are here.
Values – how you live your life.
Key Relationships – who matters most.

Many of the stories in this book are there to demonstrate the importance
of paying attention to your roots. This will become clear as the book
unfolds.

Tree Trunk:
Health – what’s needed for life: physical, mental, emotional,
spiritual.

7 Branches: The main areas of our lives that thrive, or don’t, in Act 3:
Work – paid or unpaid.
Play – what you do to regenerate.
Home – what kind, and where will it be?
Friends – who is in your life outside of key relationships?
Money – financing your Act 3 and Act 4.
World – external concerns, community, climate change, political
and local issues.
Your Special Branch – because there’s always something else.

Fruits: These are your fruits/goals at the end of your branches. Your
Act 3 goals.
For example, a goal on your ‘world’ branch might be ‘To actively
recycle everything I can.’ Or on your ‘play’ branch, ‘I will learn a new
language before I’m 70.’ Or ‘home’ might be, ‘we plan to move to within
walking distance of the shops and station in the next 2 years.’

Leaves: Each leaf along the branch represents a step towards your goal.
‘Recycling everything I can’ could start with ‘I’ll buy a reusable coffee cup
tomorrow.’ Or ‘I’ll look up the French lessons timetable before lunch.’ Or
‘We’ll get our home valued next week.’
How to set goals and take action
 Your best Act 3 will come from setting goals that match your values:
This will come from clearly knowing what you want. To do that there is a
need to be truthful and accepting of your starting point. Admitting you have
some work to do. In our experience people struggle to see clearly what they
really want. They also find it difficult to own up to what they want. All of
this stops people creating excellent goals.

‘I don’t deserve that’ or ‘I could never do that’ is spoken by a familiar

little internal voice that has many opinions about how you should live your
life. Is it time to start answering back? Some people give this voice a name,
and then tell it to shut up.
For me it is hard to come up with good goals, because I limit myself so
easily. My internal voice says, ‘That won’t work, that’s too difficult,
you don’t have the skills for that, you tried that before and it didn’t
work, no one has done that before, things like that don’t happen, they
won’t let you do that . . .’
– Sarah, 58
How do I set goals then?
Your best goals are ones that match your values and are not dependent
on other people to be reached. You may have heard of S.M.A.R.T. goals.
We prefer G.O.A.T.S., we’ll explain this shortly.
It’s a waste of time setting goals if you don’t know what your values
are. You’ll be in danger of setting the wrong goals, and when you reach
wrong goals, you’ll be disappointed.

In Act 3, time and energy are even more precious, so spend them well,
before it’s too late.
Goals via values