SAFETY CHAPTER 4: COMPOSURE Chapter 4 COMPOSURE Being the person you want others to become Composure is self-regulation in action. It is the prerequisite skill adults need before disciplining children. The Conscious Discipline journey begins with a focus on personal self-regulation, We have within us the capacity to be stressed out, and we also have the innate capacity to counter that stress. Take a moment to reflect on the power of our perceptions: Our level of upset dictates whether we will react with a preprogrammed retort or whether we will respond wisely. If we see one child hit another and perceive the situation as sheer meanness, we will respond in a punitive or attacking way toward the aggressive child. If we see the same situation and perceive two children who need help with their social skills, we will respond in a calming way that empowers us to teach them the necessary skills. One perception escalates the upset; the other perception fosters new learning. The Skill of Composure is the key that unlocks the Power of Perception. Composure determines our perception, and our perception dictates Yr whether we punish and blame or teach new skills. Watch a video on the Power of Perception on the portal for a more in-depth understanding. ‘The Power of Perception reminds us composure is a choice we can make, regardless of how crazy the outside world appears to be. The icon for the Power of Perception is a star. In any situation, we can choose to be a S.T.A.R. This star represents Smile, Take a deep breath And Relax The Power of Perception ‘The Power of Perception states that no one can make you angry without your permission. Happiness is a choice, not a fact. Healthy, secure relationships require us to control our upsetand take back our power. “Look what you made me do.” “Don't make me send you to time out.” “You're driving me nuts.” Have you said something similar? When we resort to these angry exclamations, we send the message that the child or situation is responsible for our upset. When we place someone or something in charge of our emotions, we put that person in charge of us. If we believe long lines make us crazy, then we have given our power away to a line. If we believe the children are making us scream at them, we have placed the children in charge of us. Placing others in charge of us leaves us feeling powerless and stressed. From a place of powerlessness, our emotional or survival state is activated, and we will blame or attack. It is time to take back our power and reduce the stress in our lives. I often hear teachers say, “Look how you made her feel” or “How does that make you feel?” Imagine three children sitting in a circle, each pinching the next child in retaliation for getting pinched. The teacher says to child #1, “Look how you made child #2 feel.” Then she says to child #2, “Look how you made child #3 feel.” Then she says to child #3, “Look how you made child #1 feel” In this moment, she has taught each child that he is in charge of the inner state of the next child, She has put each child in charge of another, and unconsciously taught each child to be irresponsible for his own actions. Most of us received a similar message growing up. I would love to have a dollar for every time my mother said, “Becky, how would it make you feel if your brother did that to you?” or the opposite with my brother “making” me feel a certain way. There are three major negative impacts of this kind of teaching: 1. IfTamin charge of your inner state and you are in charge of mine, then we both can be rampantly irresponsible about managing ourselves. This results in the faulty belief that blame equals change, and we spend our lives looking for blame instead of composing ourselves and seeking solutions. 2. For me to manage my own inner state, I must control you. If you would give in to my tirades or the world would go my way, I could stay composed and happy. This results in the faulty belief that control equals love or helpfulness. 3. Others would be happier if I could just be better. If I could be smarter, more athletic, kinder, thinner or whatever, then the people I care for would magically be happier. This results in the faulty belief that I am not good enough after all my failed attempts at making others change or feel better. Whomever you have placed in charge of your feelings, you have placed in charge of you. Whomever you have placed in charge of your feelings, you have placed in charge of you. ‘Wouldn't you prefer to be in control of your own life? To do so, you must be prepared to manage your own upset, not blame it on others. Remember, it is your perception of an experience that creates your feelings about it, not the event itself. Pretend we've been dating a while and I bring you roses, As I arrive at the door, you might marvel at my thoughtfulness. With this perception, you are likely to experience joy at receiving the bouquet. What if I bring flowers again the next night? This time you might think, “What are these for?” With these kinds of thoughts, you would feel suspicious instead of happy. Did the flowers make you happy or suspicious? Did I make you happy or suspicious? Or did your thoughts about me and the flowers create your emotions? Our perception of events generates our emotions, not the events themselves. Each of us carries an image or mental model of how we think the world should work. We are conscious of some aspects of this image and unconscious of others. We see the world not as is, but through the lens of these judgments about what should be or what is desirable. This lens alters everything. When our children or our partners fail to meet our conscious or unconscious expectations, we become upset because the world didn’t work as we thought it should. This 87sAFETY HAPTER, ‘COMPOSURE activates an emotional internal state. It's the very same reason a toddler throws a fit when we take away the marker she’s using to color the living room walls. To the toddler, coloring is what should happen. To you, drawing on walls is not the way things should be done. You both become upset, overcome by feeling powerless to run the world by your own plan. The upset is not caused by the other person or situation, it is triggered by it. Upset is an inside job. Whining is a trigger for me. I can stay composed as a child uses profanity and even spits at me; however, a whiny tone can trigger me, especially if I have other stressors in my life. The trigger thoughts or events (in my case whining) activate the perception of threat or the false messages on our emotional state CD-Roms. I can remember my father’s outrage and name calling of others he felt were weak in character, whiny or victim-like. His outrage is encoded on my personal CD-Rom. When I hear whining, the false messages flood me as wounds from my childhood become exposed. The good news is exposed wounds can be healed. Every time 1 am around whiny adults and children, I can heal that old wound by breathing, gaining composure and activating my prefrontal lobes to respond differently than my past preprogrammed CD- Rom dictates. This is my favorite part of Conscious Discipline! It allows me to heal myself by composing myself when triggered, changing the neural pathways in my brain, and ceasing to pass my guilt and triggers down to the next generation. Now that wows me! ‘Commitment: 1 acknowledge that when I feel upset, it is because the world is not going my way or I feel threatened. I am willing to spend some time working on owning my upset. No one can make me feel a certain way. I no longer want to give my power away to others, and then blame them for taking it. I want more control in my life. Signature: Date: Oops! When my granddaughter Maddie was just starting to talk, she would drop something or fall down and we would say, “Uh-oh,” together. We said it so much that I thought she was going to call me “Uh-oh.” As time passed, you could hear her say, “Uh-oh,” or “Oops, try again,” when she made a mistake. How I wish those words were in my head! When I make a mistake, I'm more likely to hear, “What were you thinking, Becky? You know better than this,” from the critical voice in my head. This inner speech of mine, recorded on my private CD-Rom, can really get wicked with guilt, anger and disgust. Negative self-talk like this bubbles up when we are acting in ways that don’t match our internal image of what we should be doing or how the world should work. Change requires the willingness to make mistakes. We are less willing to risk new learning or to make behavioral changes when we listen to the inner tyrant who punishes us for our mistakes. Our negative self-talk locks us into the lower centers of our brains where we do what we've always done, promoting guilt instead of fostering change. Changing our negative self-talk can only happen from an integrated executive state. When we are triggered into an emotional state by our mistakes, we can actively calm our way to a higher brain state and then let go of our need for perfection by saying, “Oops, try again,” like Maddie. This frees us up to make meaningful changes in our lives.Conscious Discipline requires us to make significant changes in our beliefs, perceptions and behaviors. tis impossible to make these changes without making mistakes. I remember when | first started to make my personal changes, I could never seem to remember the language. Often I would resort back to my favorite discipline skill, “Hey, hey, hey!” I was afraid to change. I told myself it was because I didn't want to look foolish in front of others, but truly I was afraid of how I would treat myself during the change process. The “Oops” technique emerged as a powerful ally. When I made an error in judgment, I would say to myself, “Oops, Becky! Try again!” It has taken many years to incorporate Oops into my daily inner speech, but every time I say, “Oops,” instead of some form of “Stupid Becky” is a triumph for my composure and emotional wellbeing. At the weeklong Conscious Discipline Institute that happens every summer in Orlando, Florida, we give out Oops Cards to practice being gentler to ourselves. When a person makes a mistake, someone hands him an Oops Card and says, “Oops, you made a mistake. You are beautiful to me.” The goal of this intervention is to break the negative stressful private speech habit and create a new neural network of forgiveness. Find additional video examples of Oops in practice on the web portal. ote Oh — a 1A Commitment: I am willing to forgive perceived errors this month by saying to myself and others, “Oops, you made a mistake. You are beautiful to me.” I want the freedom to make lasting changes in my behavior. This can only occur if I am willing to allow mistakes to be a simple Oops instead of a sin. Signature: Date: Anger, Trigger Thoughts and False Messages Anger is a difficult emotion. The first step to learning to manage anger is to find out where it ‘comes from and how it works. Stress and a trigger always precede an angry reaction. Stress is the gasoline and trigger thoughts or events are the match that ignites the explosion. A trigger is anything that activates the perception of threat or the false messages on our emotional CD- Roms. Remember, the false messages are wounds from our childhood that need healing. We can heal these wounds by breathing through them and consciously choosing different thoughts. | | s/ame and attack instinctively follow a feeling of powerlessness.SAFETY CHAPTER 90 ‘COMPOSURE We began our discussion of the false messages preprogrammed on our CD-Rom with the Brain State Model (Chapter 2). Trigger thoughts and events are an extension of that discussion. ‘Trigger thoughts distort the situation by making it seem bigger than it is, making children’s behaviors seem deliberate, or pronouncing others as bad and needing punishment. An essential step in anger management is to learn the trigger thoughts and events most likely to trigger our upset. It is helpful to remember that the perceptual filters on our CD-Roms create the upset, not the event or person. Adapted from Schwartz and Gladding (2011), the process goes like this: An event triggers our CD-Roms. This activation starts a cascade of false messages, urges and desires. This flood of negative self-talk creates uncomfortable emotional sensations that change our body's biochemistry. Because these uncomfortable sensations feel so urgent, we react in automatic, habitual ways that generally aren't helpful. Instead of relying on internal resources, we often rely on external crutches (including addictions) to manage the uncomfortable sensation of distress. We yell, overeat, spank our children, pour a drink, exercise relentlessly, max out our credit cards, zone out on the web or television, or overwork ourselves in efforts to dull the discomfort of our emotions. A Vv A Vv =) < Ge) Ultimately, the triggering of our CD-Rom leaves us feeling helpless and powerless to deal with the current situation. When we feel powerless, we use blame as a weapon to try to make others suffer for what we believe they've done to us. Blame is a form of attack. It thwarts safety in our classrooms and our personal lives because we create danger any time we try to make someone else feel responsible for our upset. The perceptual lens of our CD-Rom also prevents us from seeing the underlying causes of behavior. As headlines tell of more children killing children, we also read about all the adults who missed the signs that the child was troubled. The signs are there, but our trigger thoughts blind us to them. Research by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, Kim Paleg and Dana Landis (1996) group triggers thoughts into three main categories: 1, Assumed Intent: The teacher thinks the child is misbehaving deliberately to upset her, the classroom or another student. Magnification: In the teacher's ming, the situation is much worse than itis. Labeling: The teacher uses negative or derogatory words to describe the child or her behavior. 8 3.Activity for Determining Your Triggers Read the following trigger thoughts. Mark the ones that sound familiar and contribute to your anger response. The list is adapted from McKay, Fanning, Paleg and Landis (1996). If your particular trigger thoughts are not listed, add them at the bottom of the list. Assumed Intent You're just doing this to annoy me. Q You're deliberately defying me. D You're driving me crazy. Q You're intentionally tuning me out. D You're just doing this to get back at me, hurt me, embarrass me, spite me, etc. Magnification ‘Q Ican't stand this one minute longer. @ You've gone too far this time. You never listen, pay attention, stay on task, etc. Q How dare you speak to me like that, look at me like that, etc. @ You turn everything into a power struggle, lousy time, nightmare, ete. Labeling Q This is just plain manipulation. @ You're lazy, malicious, stubborn, disrespectful, ungrateful, willful, selfish, cruel, ete. D You don't care about anyone but yourself. You're deliberately being mean, cruel, hurtful, a jerk, a smart mouth, ete. Additional Triggers Q a You create danger anytime you try to make someone else feel responsible for your upset. [As we stated earlier, trigger thoughts are the match that ignites the fuel of stress. When a stressed person experiences a trigger thought or event. .. Boom! She blows up in angry flames. Except when we are being physically threatened, the main function of anger is to alleviate stress. The stress response in the body emits chemicals such as adrenaline and cortisol. At high levels, these chemicals feel physically uncomfortable as the body becomes tense and rigid. ‘Anger can momentarily block the awareness of these painful sensations. As stress increases, the body feels like it wants to blow. Angry outbursts act as a quick release valve for overstressed systems. Think back to a very stressful time in your life. Remember how edgy you felt. If you had noticed your body, it would have felt tight, uncomfortable and maybe even achy. Now think back to an angry outburst. You likely felt a sense of relief immediately after the blow up, before the guilt set in, A child’s relationship with stress is the same. ‘The opposite of stress is composure, We can allow stress to accumulate, ignore the triggers and act out our anger on others, or we can manage our stress by using the composure skills, structures and routines in this chapter. Option one produces guilt, while option two is a guilt- free road to change. Which will you choose? 2SAFETY CHAPTER 4: COMPOSURE 92 ‘Teachers often say some children explode for no reason and seem to enjoy it. That is the release part of the equation, How was the child an hour later? Did she feel remorse (crying), go to sleep or demonstrate withdrawing behaviors, or did she seem unaffected? Children who appear unaffected are experiencing high levels of chronic stress that have overwhelmed their release valves. Changing Trigger Thoughts to Calming Thoughts The children and situations that push our buttons are offering us a gift. They allow us to release energy trapped in our bodies from old emotional wounds, freeing us to be all we can be and rewriting our CD-Roms before handing them to the next generation. Our most challenging children offer us the opportunity to heal! We can change our trigger thoughts by breathing deeply and choosing one of two effective strategies: 1. We can use calming self-talk with belly breathing to override them. 2. We can limit our trigger thoughts with the Oops and Q.T.LP. methods. 1. Calming self-talk sounds like, “I'm safe. Keep breathing. I can handle this” By saying, “Lam safe,” we send a message to our brain to turn off the stress alarm system. When we say, “Keep breathing,” and actually pause to take three deep breaths, we assist our bodies in relaxing and short-circuit our habitual reactions. By saying, “I can handle this,” we affirm that we are capable. Think of a situation you find stressful. Say to yourself slowly and intentionally, “I'm safe. Keep breathing (take three slow deep breaths). I can handle this” Can you feel any relief? This approach allows us to stay calm, heal our past wounds and access our executive skills, It also allows the child to be responsible for her actions. When we become upset, the child’s focus shifts from her behavior to our reaction. We become the mean teacher. When we remain calm, it sends the message that the child has a problem to solve and our job is to help her come up with solutions (not badger her into feeling bad). Helping the child discover solutions enables her to experience success in solving her problems, thus building confidence, character and responsibility. Composure in the face of an outburst is a win-win of major proportions. 2. Limiting our trigger thoughts is another option. This requires us to understand that the negative chatter in our heads is false, and then refuse to listen to it. Everything awful or doubtful that our internal chatter says is simply playback of an old CD-Rom from childhood. We have already discussed Oops as one way to limit our trigger thoughts. The QT.LP. method is another strategy to help us remember that negative chatter is just false, made-up junk. QT.LP. isa simple reminder to Quit Taking It Personally. Our CD-Rom would have us believe that other people's actions are a statement about our self-worth. When we QT.LP., we free ourselves to shift our attention, calm down and see the situation differently.Commitment: I understand people or situations do not make me angry, but may produce anger by triggering my CD-Rom. My triggers stem from my sense of inadequacy and past wounds. By choosing, “I'm safe. Keep breathing. I can handle this,” Oops and/ or QTLP, Lam able to heal and be proactive with children. I am ready to own my upset. Signature: Date: Trigger Thought A Vv Reducing intensity of Belly breathing, future triggers calming self-talk Change our perception and access our executive skills, Oops and/or G.T.1.P. Wise response, rewriting our CD-Roms Managing Emotional Mayhem covers the topic of triggers and emotional management in detail.SAFETY x |APTER 4: COMPOSURE Activity to Remove Your Buttons Children Push Think of a common upset and fill in the blanks accordingly. View a sample response to this activity on the web portal. This exercise is adapted from Reiss. 1. I seem to be upset because my trigger __ (write in the child’s name or the event) (write what has happened), 2. This triggers my CD-Rom chatter and feelings of (use feeling words to describe the uncomfortable sensations in the body if possible). 3. My triggered CD-Rom thoughts that cause this feeling/sensation are 4. While upset, my inclination is to relieve my distress by automatically punishing the child by or get the child to feel bad by or to blame for 5. I want to feel better. I want relief. I can say to myself, “I'm safe. Keep breathing. I can handle this” I accept and let go of my feelings _ (write in the feelings from number 2 above), my thoughts that cause them__ (write in trigger thoughts from number 3 above), and my need to be right and punish by (write answer from number 4). 6. Iwant to be responsible, happy and peaceful. 7. What I really want to happen is (use positive action words) 8. Iam not really upset at this child or situation, but at my own thinking and ultimately at myself, for not knowing what to do and how to help. 9. Itake responsibility, not blame, for all my actions, thoughts and feelings in regard to (write child’s name and/or situation). 10. I forgive myself and choose to connect with love instead of my upset. One loving thought I can think about the child is . One loving thought I can think about myself is 11. Thank you (child’s name) for teaching me to listen to my true self instead of the false messages on my CD-Rom. Hoffman, Hutchinson & Reiss (2009).Children’s Triggers and Temperament Just as we must learn about our triggers, we must help children learn about their triggers as well. Historically in terms of discipline, disruptive behavior was attributed to problems within the child, Recently, some discipline programs and teachers have begun addressing the mismatch between the class environment and a child's skills, strengths or preferences. Mismatches have the potential to trigger children. For example, giving work assignments that are too difficult is a common mismatch that can trigger problematic behavior (Kern, Gallagher, Starosta, Hickman & George, 2006). Other class-wide triggers include a lack of predictability, a constant focus on behaviors that are not allowed, seating arrangement, class organization, pace of instruction, transitions, lack of choice, lack of maintaining student interest, etc. Moving from within-child flaws to recognizing environmental triggers is a huge step in our understanding. Conscious Discipline advocates the next step in this journey, which is the dynamic interaction between individuals. It is imperative for teachers to notice if their response to a child's upset is helpful or hurtful. Will shouting to a child from across the room help the child settle down? Will composing yourself and speaking calmly help the child settle down? Noticing when we are triggering children into a more disorganized state is an essential step in Conscious Discipline. If the child is operating from an emotional state, asking, “Am I Loved?” and our response is to send him out of the room (abandonment), we have pushed him down into a survival state. Don’t be surprised if he throws a chair on his way out the door. We must be able to identify our own state first, compose ourselves enough to access an executive state, and then identify the state the child is experiencing. Once we identify the child's state, we then can choose the skills that are likely to help the child move to an executive state. Once we have addressed the child’s internal state, we are able to teach a new or missing life skill. Its critical to remember that a child who is triggered into an emotional or survival state is like a vacuum that tries to pull us and the other children into the same state. We must consciously choose to upshift our state through composure or we will end up part of the problem instead of the solution. In addition to environmental and learned triggers, we each have a certain temperament we can think of as the built-in wiring we are born with. Temperament is not reflected in occasional behavior; it’s a pattern that’s consistent over time. A child’s temperament can be thought of as a constellation of nine characteristics. Each child will have each of the nine traits in different proportions, The nine traits are listed below. They are adapted from the work of Turecki and Tonner (1985). It is important to note that if a person lives in a survival, emotional or executive state for an extended period of time, it can turn from a state to a trait as life unfolds. Activity Level: How much activity or restlessness does the child demonstrate? How much spontaneous movement is shown? A child with this trait at a difficult level would be very active, restless and fidgety. The child would rarely slow down and hate to be confined. Quality of Mood: How would you describe the child’s basic disposition? Positive and happy or negative and fussy? A child with this trait at the difficult level would be cranky or serious. The child would appear to get little pleasure from life. Approach/Withdrawal: How docs the child respond to new experiences? Does she approach them with enthusiasm or withdraw in fear? A child at a difficult level in this area would be shy and clingy. The child would stubbornly refuse to go forward into new situations. 95SAFETY CHAPTER i: COMPOSURE Rhythmicity: How regular are the child's eating, sleeping and bowel habits? A child with this trait at the difficult level would get hungry and tired at unpredictable times, making regular mealtimes and bedtimes a source of conflict. Adaptability: How does the child adapt to transition and change? A child with this trait at the difficult level would be anxious and resistant to changes in activity, routine, food or clothing. These children are inflexible and very particular. Sensory Threshold: How does the child react to sensory stimuli such as noise, light, smells, tastes, pain, weather, touch, wet diapers? Does she get over stimulated easily? A child with a trait at the difficult level would be easily bothered by the way food smells, the way clothes feel, the brightness of lights or the loudness of noise. Intensity of Reaction: How intense (loud) is the child's reaction to both positive and negative stimuli? A child with this trait at the difficult level would be loud and forceful with all emotions. Distractibility: How distracted is the child, particularly when upset? Can she pay attention? A child with this trait at the difficult level has trouble concentrating and paying attention, daydreams instead of listening and tends to forget instructions. Persistence: How long can the child remain focused on one thing? When happily engaged in an activity, does she stay with it for a long time? When unhappy, does she persist stubbornly with attempts to get her needs met? Children with difficult temperaments are easily triggered and have a difficult time composing themselves after an upset. Some are born with challenging temperaments. Others are born into stressful environments. Many parents who have more than one child can attest to the fact they interact differently with each child. A parent might experience constant power struggles with one child and few with the other child. We see a similar dynamic in the classroom where one teacher will find it difficult to interact with a certain child, but another teacher has few problems with him. Every child and adult creates a dance of interactions together. This dance represents the goodness of fit between the child's temperament and the adult's temperament (or CD-Rom). “Ar The “Attuned or Misattuned" video on the web portal explores this concept further. We, as adults, must look at our own triggers and examine how they fit with the triggers of the children in our care, We must learn to tame and reframe our triggers first if we hope to help children tame theirs. Becoming Brain Smart ‘The Skill of Composure helps us balance our state of arousal and alarm system. Itallows us to begin answering the question “Am I safe?” with a “Yes.” turning off the fight-or-flight stress response. It also provides us with a steady flow of energy to support the optimal working of the brain, ‘Take a moment to ask yourself, “Is there a wolf chasing me?” Look around you. If the answer is “No” check your thoughts. Are you feeling anxious or worried? If the answer is “Yes? you are making up an imaginary wolf, disconnecting your brain from its ability to access your executive state to achieve goals or problem solve. Now take a moment to check on your clacker and arousal system. Are you alert and relaxed, stressed and can hardly remember what you are reading, or about to fall asleep? The system responsible for our arousal or clacker system is called the autonomic nervous system. It regulates everything that the brain and the body do,including all behavior and learning. It does this by managing the intake and output of energy, ideally by creating a nice steady beat for our clacker. The autonomic nervous system is housed in the lower brain stem and has two basic subsystems. The sympathetic system mobilizes the body to respond to threat for fight or flight. The parasympathetic system fosters the relaxation response. If we imagine our bodies as cars, the sympathetic system would be the gas pedal and the parasympathetic system would be the brake. In an optimal state, the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems are balanced: The learner is. excited, interested and alert (sympathetic), yet relaxed and receptive (parasympathetic). This makes for a nice, balanced flow of energy and a steady clacker beat. Parasympathetic - BRAKE Sympathetic - GAS ‘An unbalanced autonomic system is one in which a child (or an adult) is unable to use his or her energy appropriately to manage a situation. As mentioned in Chapter 2, an over-aroused autonomic nervous system is like a clacker that goes too fast all day long. In these situations, the parasympathetic system’s role as a brake can get over-aroused and becomes like another gas pedal, With two gas pedals and no brake, we call this “being stressed out.” An under- aroused autonomic nervous system, on the other hand, is like a clacker that lethargically claps its hands every five minutes. Metaphorically, this would be like having two brake pedals and no gas pedal. We might call it “being burned out.” Using our car example, a balanced autonomic nervous system can easily drive through town, stopping when needed and obeying the speed limit signs. An over-aroused autonomic nervous system is like a car racing through town without any brakes. An under-aroused autonomic nervous system is like a car without a gas pedal, barely able to get out of the parking lot. In an unbalanced autonomic nervous system, very little energy in the form of oxygen-rich blood and metabolized food makes its way to the higher centers of the brain. The prefrontal lobes shut down and the survival or emotional systems run the show. From these lower brain systems, the only “learning” that occurs will be about whether there is danger and how to avoid it. The brain sacrifices learning in favor of defending against new information and defending against connecting with others or following class rules, A healthy, balanced arousal and alarm system is essential for life. Instead of learning math facts or English composition, the student with an unbalanced autonomic nervous system is concerned with how to protect himself by acting aggressively or hiding himself in withdrawal, TV, computer games, etc., so that others will not threaten him. His autonomic system overreacts, causing him to perceive threats where there are none. His repertoire of behaviors is fairly limited, consisting only of fight, flight or freeze. It does not matter how wonderful our curriculum is or what standards we expect them to achieve, it is impossible for him to be successful in these under or over-aroused states. 97SAFETY CHAPTER, : COMPOSURE Many teachers and parents deal with children’s aggressive or withdrawn behaviors without recognizing they are signs of poor clacker regulation. Pushing, defiance, name-calling and hostile acts are common in many classrooms and homes, as are children who are also continually bored, disengaged and inattentive. While temperament certainly plays a role in these behaviors, many of these states are acquired through conditioning. In other words, environmental factors have thrown their clackers out of whack, stressing them out. How does a young child end up with a whacked-out clacker? Stress at young ages has the potential to wire children to be hypersensitive toward emotional and survival state reactions throughout life. ‘The first three years of life are the most critical period in human neural development. At birth, the autonomic system is not fully developed, and it is our calming and soothing that balances it for the rest of their lives. During the stress of intense crying, the baby's clacker is thrown off balance. Young children cannot regulate their own clackers. Adults’ calming presence, love and comfort regulate them. Without this calming presence, children grow up more prone to depression, anxiety disorders, alcohol addiction and a multitude of chronic diseases (Ludington-Hoe, McDonald & Satyshur, 2002; Caldji, Diorio, and Meaney, 2000). An abundance of research also indicates that children starting childcare early in life and attending for long hours show more aggression and noncompliant behaviors (Belsky, 2008; Cote, Borage, Geoffroy, Rutter & Tremblay, 2008; NICHD, 2003, 2005). Additionally, children under age five show rising levels of the stress hormone cortisol as the day progresses. It seems long hours in childcare can throw off a childs clacker. Without composed adults creating safe classrooms, we have no way to counteract this tendency. During the early childhood years, the brain and body use experiences to “educate” the child's naive stress-response system. Exposure to a moderate amount of stressors during early childhood helps the child’s autonomic nervous system learn to self-regulate. Too many stressors, however, are detrimental to the system, preventing higher order functions like the ability to delay gratification, overcome impulsiveness, feel remorse, establish closeness, demonstrate empathy for others, establish friendships and maintain composure from optimally developing. Appropriate behavior in a school or family setting requires a clacker that is attuned to the demands of a predictable outside world. A balanced nervous system (clacker with a steady beat) responds appropriately and then recovers, whereas a hypersensitive nervous system may overreact and persist in a survival state. An unbalanced system may experience road rage when cut off in a traffic jam, carry that irritability home and later feel exhausted. A balanced system might feel upset in the same situation, but would quickly calm down so the body maintains its alertness for driving and conserves energy to respond to the next situation. A balanced autonomic nervous system responds appropriately. A hypersensitive or hyposensitive autonomic system overreacts or underreacts, and has trouble self-correcting. Many of us need to retrain our own systems to self-correct before we can help children train theirs. Fortunately, the mechanics of retraining these systems are fairly simple through belly breathing and regulating our perceptions. (Unfortunately, the will and perseverance to do so are not always quite so easy to access.) Three deep belly breaths can shut off the stress response in the body and are integral to maintaining or regaining composure. Deepening and slowing the breath sends chemical messages throughout the body, especially to the autonomic nervous system, It quickens the parasympathetic system (brake), slows the rapid sympathetic expenditure of energy (gas) and allows us to begin balancing the two systems. ‘Think about the children who enter your classroom withdrawn or physically aggressive. They are asking, “Am I safe?” Our responses must promote a resounding “Yes!” if they and those around them are going to succeed in our schools. This “Yes!” is the result of a felt sense of safety that begins with the Skill of Composure.The Skill of Composure Let’s review what we have learned about the brain. The neural circuits responsible for conscious self-control reside in the prefrontal lobe. When things are going well, the prefrontal lobe acts as control central, keeping our emotions and impulses in check. Life hums along smoothly. When stressed, the prefrontal lobe shuts down and transfers control to our more ancient brain systems, the limbic system and brain stem. With these lower centers engaged, we become slaves to our impulses, insecurities and anxieties. We lose it! We go from conscious to unconscious, from reflective thinking to reflexive action, and from responding wisely to reacting in preprogrammed knee-jerk ways. Certainly, it is not safe for us to go around with our primal impulses unchecked. Aswe discussed in Becoming Brain Smart, composureisa reflection ofa balanced nervous system in which our gas pedal (sympathetic nervous system) and our brake pedal (parasympathetic) are working together in harmony. A healthy way of putting on the brakes when life seems stressful or out of control is be a $.T.A.R. by Smiling, Taking a deep breath And Relaxing. Slowing down our clacker to a steady beat through deep belly breathing allows us to return to healthy social engagement and access an executive state so we can be consciously aware of our thoughts and feelings, and the thoughts and feelings of others, in order to consciously direct our behavior. Becoming aware of our own thoughts and feelings is a major accomplishment. Most people don't have a clue what they are thinking. Ask them. Usually the answer is, “Nothing.” Yet experts at the National Science Foundation estimate that each of us has more than 50,000 thoughts per day. Where are your thoughts right now? My mind wanders so much that sometimes while reading I realize I'm thinking about my to-do list. The irony is that I don’t know what I've read and I haven't finished my tasks. In effect, my cluttered mind leaves me mindless. As I began making the shift from being an unconscious adult relying on failed attempts at controlling others to a conscious adult who relies on self-regulation, I was discouraged by how often I would slip back into ranting and raving. I had always heard that to discipline children you must “be firm but fair, more positive than negative, treat children with respect, hold them responsible for their own behavior, be consistent and predictable, and model self-control.” Yet Thad never learned how to do all these fine things, especially during difficult times. How on earth is an adult supposed to remain calm when a child is screaming, “Shut up!” or taunting, “You can't make mel”? We must retrain our minds, balance our clackers and take back our power! Exerting willpower over impulse and insecurity requires self-regulation. It becomes possible only when we learn to gain, regain and maintain composure, With composure, we integrate our brains in such a way that our prefrontal lobes can do their job of regulating our lower centers. Once we learn the Skill of Composure, then and only then, can we teach this vital skill to children. Adults who have learned the Skill of Composure are capable of utilizing the prefrontal lobes (the CEO of the brain) to do the following: + Focus on what they want the child to accomplish + Utilize connection instead of control as the motivation to behave + Celebrate the child's successes and choices + See situations from the child’s perspective as well as their ownSAFETY CHAPTER 4: COMPOSURE 100 + Teach the child how to communicate desires and frustrations in a socially-acceptable manner + Hold the child accountable to those teachings An out-of-control adult cannot do any of these things. Out-of-control adults focus on what they don't want to happen. (“Stop that this minute!") They see only from their own point of view. (“You are driving me crazy!") They punish or reward rather than teach. (“Move your card to red.” “If you are good, we will have popcorn Friday”) When we lose self-control, we lose our ability to discipline ourselves and our children. For this reason, self-control and the more comprehensive skill of self-regulation (the conscious awareness and management of our own thoughts, feelings and actions) must be our first priority as teachers, We can no longer have teachers who scream at children to be quiet. We can no longer attribute negative intent to children’s behavior, yet expect them to respect each other. We can no longer bicker with faculty members while demanding children use problem- solving strategies. It’s time to begin leading the way instead of simply demanding better way: from others. Composure is the first step. Any composure program requires the following: 1, Identifying trigger thoughts and situations 2. Active calming through uploading and downloading calm 3. Reducing and managing stress Collectively, Conscious Discipline refers to the three components above as the “Be a S.T.A.R” program. This program is the first component of Conscious Discipline you will implement. You will implement it with yourself first and then with your children, families and coworkers. 1. Identifying Trigger Thoughts and Situations We've already spent quite a bit of time exploring trigger thoughts and events. We must change our perception of the trigger before we can hope to change our response to it. Every response we offer in our interactions with others will bring us closer to an executive state or move us closer to a survival state. We will either feel more connected with others (not triggered) or we will feel more separated (triggered) as a result. Becoming aware of our triggers is an essential st step, but it is only the first step. The second part is actively releasing our triggers and making permanent behavior changes. 2. Active Calming Through Uploading and Downloading Calm Active calming is at the heart of composure and is a three-step process. Each step is in response to one of the three general brain states we are most likely to experience. From a survival state, the urge is to physically attack or withdraw. To manage this state, we S.T.A.R. by taking three deep belly breaths. From an emotional state, the urge is to verbally defend or attack through blame, name-calling or guilt-inducing lectures. To manage this state, we must actively overlay ‘our CD-Rom chatter with the “I'm safe, keep breathing, I can handle this” mantra. From the executive state, we are able to access compassion by wishing well, Oops or Q.T.LP, and utilizing our executive skills to discover win-win solutions.We upload calm for ourselves first by conducting this active-calming process internally. Next, we download our calm state to the child. Then, and only then, are we ready to address the behavior, solve the problem and/or teach a new skill. Uploading Calm for Ourselves: Active Calming All conflict starts with upset. We cannot solve the problem if we are unable to manage the upset. Active calming allows us to begin to put a pause between the stimulus (triggers from misbehaving children) and our response. If we want a child to calm down and cooperate, we must become calm and cooperative. For a child to achieve an executive state, we must first achieve one ourselves. A child cannot be in a higher state than the adult, We must begin by uploading the internal state we want our children to achieve. Let's review the three steps for active calming; we must progress from one to the next, ultimately using all three: Bea S.T.A.R. by taking three deep belly breaths. “I'm safe, keep breathing, I can handle this Wish well, reframe as an Oops, activate the Q.T.LP. perception + Inanexecutive state: and problem solve. Survival State: Belly breathing, also known as diaphragmatic breathing or S.T.A.R breathing, is one of our most important tools in regard to disciplining yourself and children, but it must begin with us. We instinctively hold our breath during acute stress. Ages ago, the survival systems of our brain developed this way so we could hear the tiniest of sounds and avoid being eaten by a tiger. Today, we see it regularly as parents of young children hold their breath to listen more closely whenever they sense something is amiss. Next time you start to feel out of control in the classroom, notice your breathing. The habitual reaction of holding your breath (or breathing shallowly from your chest) stems from the most primitive portion of your brain. It helps you survive; it does not help you think, reason or problem solve. Deep breathing, on the other hand, helps shut off the fight-or-flight survival response so we can respond consciously and learn new skills. Conscious Discipline uses the acronym §.T.A.R. to remind us to Smile, Take a deep breath ‘And Relax. From this point forward, we will simply use “S.T.A.R” to signify the ability to take three deep belly breaths to balance our clackers. Here's how to do it: Step 1: Smile! Attempting to smile in difficult situations can be extremely helpful even if it feels awkward. Moving the facial muscles into a smile can literally begin to change our internal state. ‘The attempt to turn the corners of our mouth upward sets off a cascade of biochemical changes that helps up relax the body and shift from a negative to a more positive perception of life. The “s" in $..A.R. can also stand for “Stop” “Stop” may be helpful in situations that require impulse control, however, it is not as efficient in facilitating a change in inner state. Step 2: Take a deep breath. Breathe in deeply through the nose. Nose breathing ensures your body's natural filtering, warming and moisturizing of the air in order to protect your lungs. As you inhale, move your belly out. This moves your diaphragm downward, gently massaging your internal organs. Step 3: And. Pause briefly as you shift from inhaling to exhaling. Step 4: Relax. Exhale slowly, moving your belly in. This moves your diaphragm up, squeezing 101SAFETY CHAPTER 4: COMPOSURE 102 the air out of your lungs. Control your exhale so it is longer than the inhale, consciously relaxing your shoulders and softening your facial muscles. Emotional State: When we are triggered, we can overlay the chatter of our preprogrammed CD-Rom by consciously offering ourselves a calming mantra like, “I'm safe. Keep breathing. Tcan handle this” This mantra allows us to make a conscious shift in our attention from who did what to whom, who is right and who is wrong to a message of “enoughness.” Remember, negative internal chatter tells us one of two things: “I am not good enough,” or “You are not good enough” The biochemical result on the body is the same whether the voice puts our focus inward (condemning ourselves) or outward (condemning others). Deep breathing and a reassuring internal voice equipped with sentiment like, “I'm safe, keep breathing, Ican handle this,” helps overlay the negative self-talk that tells usall sorts of untruths. The truth is we are all good enough; we are doing the best we can at any given moment. Reassuring self-talk helps us gain and maintain composure and deal with the situation in a helpful way, however, it must be combined with S.T.A.R. breathing to be effective. Saying, “Keep breathing.” without actually breathing is just another form of mindless chatter. Executive State: Think about something precious like an infant's smile, a peaceful sunrise ora darling puppy. Notice how these thoughts fill you up with love, gratitude and appreciation. This is the essence of wishing well. Wishing well is the process of generating a coherent heart, one that knows all is well in the world, and then sending that feeling outward with our intention. Wishing well is not a thought you offer someone but a field of energy you share. To wish well, focus your attention on your heart, imagine your heart opening and sending all the love in the universe through you and to those in need. Wishing well serves three purposes: First, it centers us, setting our hearts and minds in alignment, which integrates our brain and activates our prefrontal lobes; second, it helps keep us from sliding back into the lower centers of the brain during conflict moments; finally, it radiates a coherent energy field of “all is well” that can upshift others from the lower centers to the higher centers of the brain (Heartmath.org). Wishing well harnesses that energy in support of maintaining our composure and helping others become composed, too. Wishing well holds the door open so everyone’s problem-solving wisdom can rush in! It is essential to begin your Wish Well and Be a .T.A.R. programs the very first week of school. Downloading Calm to Others: The Mirror Neuron System Emotions are contagious. Science has now proven what we already knew to be true: Grumpy people can download grumpiness to others, and peaceful folks can do the same, Mirror neurons in the brain play a key role in this process. Mirror neurons are a special class of brain cells that fire when a person performs an action and when they observe another person. Most parents have been delighted and/or cringed when they watched their children imitating them in play. Stories abound of children spanking their dolls or screeching to them, “Don't you ever do that again! When my granddaughter was two years old, I added a round cardboard steering wheel to a shipping box to create a pretend car. Instantly, Maddie grabbed her purse and a small plastic cup, and headed for the car. Her mom, Julie, was laughing because she always takes a drink and her purse when they go for a drive. She said, “The only thing Maddie forgot was a cellphone.” Maddie peeked out of the car and opened her purse to show us where she had put a pretend cell phone. Mirror neurons in the brain are responsible for this ability. Our motor networks practice what wwe see being done, like Maddie in the above story. This is why “Do what I say, not what I do” is neurologically impossible. Our emotional networks mirror what we see others feeling and doing. Once we see an emotion on another person's face, we will begin to feel the way they are feeling. This is something we have all experienced. It only takes seconds to catch the same negative disposition as your coworkers as you begin complaining about the complaining. We will either catch our children’s upset or they will catch our calmness. Most of us are unconsciously catching others’ upset. We see angry faces and our facial expression becomes angry as angry feelings emerge within us. We hear angry tones and our voice matches theirs, contributing to the anger in the situation and ultimately shutting down the CEO of our brain (and their brain). By using the skill of downloading, we can help reverse this situation. We can bring our calm to their upset. Instead of shutting down the prefrontal lobes, we can turn them on and access our brilliance in moments of conflicts. Watch videos of downloading on the portal to learn more. My mother had emphysema and Alzheimer's. She was on oxygen due to 15 percent lung capacity, but the Alzheimer's left her unable to understand the oxygen tube in her nose and her shortness of breath. Her anxiety level about this was extremely high, creating a downward cycling spiral of terror. The more she could not breathe, the more anxious she became. The more anxious she became, the less she could breathe. The doctors prescribed boatloads of anti-anxiety medicines. The pills did not relieve her terror of gasping for that next breath. What did help Mom was being a S.T.A.R. Since her ability to comprehend life was minimal, | relied on the mirror neuron system to help her breathe. I was hoping Mom would imitate me, not only in what I was doing but also in what I was feeling. I would get in front of her, achieve eye contact and breathe deeply. My belly would expand with each inhale. It would retract with each exhale. I breathed in through my nose and released the air slowly out of my mouth with tight lips to slow down my exhalation. Then I would relax my face and eyes and wish her well with all the love I could muster. Mom's mirror neuron system would kick in and she would begin to copy my actions and feel my calm state. The longer exhale balanced the carbon dioxide in her body and briefly, yet profoundly, turned off her stress response, Watching this. happen with my mother made me a deep believer in our need to relearn how to breathe. We can help all children, including those with the most challenging behaviors, regain composure by utilizing deep belly breathing, wishing well and the mirror neuron system. Noticing to Download: Noticing is a specific type of describing that invites connection through consciousness and eye contact. Downloading uses the mirror neuron system and requires we make eye contact with others. Children resist eye contact and touch when they are in a survival state, Use noticing to help them achieve eye contact so you can download calm. Noticing is a valuable skill that requires us to see without judgment and can be used in a variety of contexts, In order to use noticing as an aid for downloading calm, we must describe and demonstrate what the child is doing. “Your face is going like this (demonstrate), your arms are going like this (demonstrate)? Demonstrating the child's body in this way creates a natural urge for the child to ook at you. Noticing enables us to gently encourage eye contact without demanding compliance by saying, “Look at me” which can be perceived as a threat and further entrench a survival state. Ifa child continues to resist eye contact, take another deep breath and join with him in an attuned way. 103SAFETY CHAPTER 4: 104 COMPOSURE Continue describing and demonstrating until he looks up. “Look at that! You've got the little truck, and you're going like this with it (demonstrate), and your finger just went boop (demonstrate)!” The noticing to download formula is: “Your is going like this (demonstrate).” Noticing is a theme we will discuss in various contexts throughout the book. For now, learn more about noticing in a portal video and consider the following story: Each morning, Mrs. Katz offers children a choice in greetings. For the upcoming President's Day holiday, the choices are a Lincoln, a Washington, a White House or a First Lady greeting. Most days, Aaron arrives in a survival state, refusing to make eye contact or be greeted. Today, Mrs. Katz tries downloading calm to Aaron. She takes a deep breath and notices, “Aaron, your arms are going like this and your head went like this.” Aaron glances sideways to see what she’s doing. Mrs. Katz instantly takes a slow, deep breath. Aaron's body automatically joins her, and he takes a breath, too. His body relaxes and Mrs. Katz asks which greeting he would like, pointing to the pictures representing the choices. Aaron gestures slightly toward Abe Lincoln, "You chose Abe!” Mrs. Katz says with delight. They position their bodies like the Lincoln monument in Washington D.C. and give a gentle fist bump. Mrs. Katz demonstrated these steps for downloading calm: Upload calm into your body. Mirror and notice the childs body language. “Your feet/body/face are going like this...” When the child makes eye contact, take a S.T.A.R. breath. Offer the child choices or provide specific instructions. Common mistakes when downloading calm: We forget to upload before we can download, With challenging children, we unconsciously begin to guard against misbehavior before it occurs. We must enter the moment calm, assured and open to help the child be successful in complying. We forget to physically demonstrate or mirror what the child is doing. If we say, “Your arms are going like this,” we must move our arms like the child. We become a mirror for their actions. We say, “Your hands covered your face,” instead of, “Your hands went like this.” “Your hands covered your face,” does not give them a reason to look or activate the mirror neuron system. “Your hands went like this” encourages the child to make eye contact and activates the mirror neuron system. We forget to take that deep, slow breath the instant the child makes eye contact, We unconsciously download with the intent of making the child engage or comply instead of the intent of being helpful. S898ds93. Reducing and Managing Stress Place your left hand on your chest and your right hand on your belly. Breathe as you normally do. Which hand moves first? If your left hand moves first, you are shallow chest breathing. If your right hand moves first, you are belly breathing. A belly breath is a healthy, natural breath. A chest breath is a shallow, stifled breath, Because of the constant pressure of stress in our lives, many of us do not breathe naturally. Physiology books tell us that the average rate of breathing while at rest is approximately 12 to 14 breaths @ minute. Stop reading and count your breaths per minute. Many of us are breathing faster. We habitually hyperventilate, which means we take quick, shallow breaths from the top of our chests. This type of breathing sharply reduces the level of carbon dioxide in our blood. Contrary to popular belief, our bodies require certain levels of carbon dioxide in order to function properly (large concentrations, however, are toxic). The low levels of carbon dioxide created by shallow breathing cause our arteries to constrict, reducing the blood flow to the brain and body. Asa result, our brain doesn't get the oxygen it requires to function optimally. The oxygen shortage switches on our fight-or-flight reflex, making us tense and irritable, reducing our ability to think clearly, locking out the prefrontal lobes, and putting us at the mercy of our negative internal chatter. All this happens before we even arrive at school, before Jason hits Parker for the 10th time, before Colby forgets his lunch, before Keisha cries for 30 minutes about missing her mom and before Cassandra forgets her homework again, We have already explained S.T.A.R. breathing as the primary technique in the active calming process. Your $.T.A.R. program will expand as you teach children a variety of new composure strategies. $.T.A.R., Drain, Balloon and Pretzel are the four core composure techniques Conscious Discipline employs. The I Can Calm book teaches these techniques. Teach children to S.T.A.R. as described earlier in this chapter, and then continue with the three new skills described below. You can find more comprehensive instruction and video demonstrations by clicking on the Safe Place link in Shubert’s School or by watching the video of children practicing the Can Calm book on the web portal. Draining: Extend both arms out in front of your body parallel to the floor. Have the fists closed palms facing down. Inhale squeezing and tightening your fists, arms and face. Pretend your arms are faucets on a sink. Your closed fists are acting as drains. To open the drain, exhale and relax your fingers by opening them and making a swishing noise (ssshhh). The noise represents water flowing out of a faucet. Close the drain by tightening your fist. Tighten them so that your arms, neck and face are constricted Then, open the drain and release with the sound again, Ballooning: Show children how you blow up a balloon, then demonstrate what happens when you hold the opening of the balloon and allow the air to escape. Explain this is what we can do with our lungs. Have the children inhale a number of times sucking in air and holding it as if to blow up their lungs like balloons. Then have the children purse their lips and allow the air to escape. 105SAFETY CHAPTER 4: COMPOSURE. Pretzel: Sit or stand crossing the left ankle over the right ankle. Extend your arms out in front of you with your thumbs pointing LAN down, and cross your left wrist over the right wrist. Interlace your fingers and draw your hands up toward your chest. Close your eyes and breathe. Press your tongue flat against the roof of your mouth when inhaling, and release it when exhaling. The pretzel shifts the electrical energy from the survival centers of the brain to the reasoning centers. Pressing your tongue against the roof of your mouth like this stimulates the limbic system to work with the frontal lobes. Dr. Dennison (1989) discovered that this posture releases emotional stress and can help with learning disabilities. Did You Know? + Breathing is our largest system for waste removal. 70 percent of the waste products produced in our body are removed via breathing. 30 percent is removed through the skin when we sweat, while only 10 percent remains for the kidneys and colon. This cleansing happens mostly on the exhale part of the breath. To be effective, the exhale must be longer than the inhale. + The air we breathe in brings oxygen to every cell in the body. The brain requires 25-40 percent of our total oxygen supply to function properly. Without proper belly breathing, the brain can be short-changed in its oxygen supply by as much as 60 percent. An oxygen-starved brain is an educational disaster. + If your diaphragm is not moving, your prefrontal lobes are not fully engaged. If your prefrontal lobes are not fully engaged, you will be reactive instead of responsive. Our choice is simple. We can be a responsive S.T.A.R. or a reactive maniac. Composure Creates Safety in Your School Family [As you practice the aforementioned perceptual shifts and skills daily, the following routines, rituals and structures will create a felt sense of safety in your School Family. e: Brain Smart Start ‘The Brain Smart Start is a routine that is scientifically based and designed to maintain optimal learning states during daily transitions. There are many transitions throughout the day that are often stressful for both children and teachers, but by far the most difficult one is the transition from home to school. The stress of getting up and out of the house is intense for many families. Even in homes with the best of routines, life happens. In many homes, children wake themselves up and dress younger siblings. They feed themselves, if food is available, When children arrive at school a lot has happened, in the home, on the bus, or in the halls. The same is true for teachers. The Brain Smart Start helps students and teachers make the shift required during the initial transition from home to school, as well as making the smaller shifts required of them throughout the day.The Brain Smart Start is a routine that consists of four activities: 1. Activity to Unite 2. Activity to Disengage Stress 3. Activity to Connect the children to the teacher and each other 4. Activity to Commit oneself to learning These four activities support our deepest values and are designed to create a biochemistry that balances and integrates brain function, mind and body. Remember, the Brain Smart Start at the beginning of the day is only one of your many daily transitions. After each transition, conduct an abbreviated Brain Smart Start to improve attention and increase your teaching time. 1. Activity to Unite The Activity to Unite brings the scattered minds and bodies in the classroom into a more congruent whole. It gets everyone on the same page by singing the same song, reciting the same chant or moving in unison. Many schools unite with traditional activities like the Pledge of Allegiance. Creating or singing a School Family song or a song about your class agreements is another effective way to unite. Below are a School Family song and a rap third-grade students created to express their agreements to each other. Additional examples are on your portal. YY “Our School Family” from It Starts in the Heart This is our School Family This is our School Family This is our School Family Wave to a friend (shake hands, pinky hug, ete.) “Third Grade Agreements” Rap This rap is about you. This rap is about me. This rap is about safety. ‘We may disagree. We may all agree. But we know the value of safety. I'm ready to do my best, say, “So long to stress.” (S.T.A.R.) We are respectful. We are responsible. And we know the value of being helpful. I've got your back. You've got mine. It's all fine. Activity to Disengage Stress When we experience stress, a cascade of more than 1,400 different biochemicals is released into the body (Sapolsky, 1998). These chemicals affect how we perceive, feel and behave. Most importantly, they have the power to shut down the prefrontal lobes, diverting our attention to survival instead of learning (Bailey, 2011). Introduce and practice the four major stress reducers mentioned previously (S.LAR,, Drain, Pretzel, Balloon). Model and coach these skills during moments of upset, and practice them when children are calm so they are more likely to be able to access them when upset. You can also use stretching, yoga and creative belly breathing techniques to help disengage stress. Stretching helps release tension from muscles and preoccupations from our minds. It improves circulation, strengthens breathing, relieves fatigue, releases nervousness, improves flexibility, promotes mental clarity and energizes the system. Creative breathing techniques can be made 107SAFETY CHAPTER 4: COMPOSURE 108 up on the spot. Some classrooms use bunny breathing where children put two fingers up like bunny ears as they inhale and hop their fingers slowly away as they exhale. Others use superhero breathing and pretend to fly while inhaling and exhaling. Visit the web portal to review a video of additional belly breathing activities. The possibilities are endless. The more stressed the child, the more assistance, prompting and practice he will need. Instruct children to lie on the floor with an object on their bellies, and watch the object go up and down as they breathe in and out. This simple form of biofeedback helps them be successful. Some very stressed children will resist belly breathing because it requires them to let their guard down. In this case, you or the class must breathe for the distressed child. 3. Activity to Connect Once the body begins to relax and the stress response is turned off, connection with one another is possible. Cooperation follows connection. When children and teachers feel a sense of connection with each other and with the school, cooperation is more likely. Disconnected students are disruptive. Simply stated, starting your day with a connection activity will help it run more smoothly. Disconnected students are disruptive because of a lack of impulse control, low frustration tolerance and decreased self-regulation skills. A connection activity (between children or with an adult) first thing in the morning stimulates the impulse control systems of the brain and generates a neurochemical bath that says, “Pay attention.” Simply taking a moment to greet the person next you with a butterfly handshake is a connecting activity. (A butterfly handshake involves two students interlocking their thumbs with fingers extended, and wiggling their fingers like wings that flutter.) Activities to connect differ from activities to unite in that they require students to connect with each other face-to-face in a way that involves eye contact, touch, presence and playfulness. Morning Greetings and I Love You Rituals (Bailey, 1997) are excellent examples of activities to connect. Find ‘examples of greeting and connection activities for all ages on the web portal. You've Been Gone T Love You Rituals, page 136 * Songs for I Love You Rituals Volume 2 You've been gone, Chant classroom-wide. And you've been missed. Chant classroom-wide. Where would you like your welcome back kiss? A class representative uses a puppet or wand to deliver a “kiss” at the location the absent child indicates.Little Miss Muffet | Love You Ritual I Love You Rituals, page 65 + Songs for I Love You Rituals Volume 2 Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, Clap your hands at “Muffet.” Point toward your bottom at “tuffet.” Child mirrors. Eating her oatmeal today. Chew and make a face that says, “Yiimmy.” Child mirrors. ‘Along came a spider and sat down beside her, Craw! a “spider” up the child’ arm with your {fingers, and “sit” the spider on the child’s shoulder. ‘And said, “Have a good day!” Connect with a playful gesture like a nose beep, handshake, high five or wave. }. Activity to Commit Commitments prime the brain for success and actively engage the prefrontal lobes. A commitment that is spoken out loud does many things, both psychologically and neurologically, that increase the likelihood of following through on the commitment. Making a commitment and following through builds self-worth and neurologically bathes the body in feel good chemicals that help us focus our attention. Often, we toy with or dance around a commitment with phrases like, “I've been thinking about __” “I need to get started on _” and, “I should __” The hidden message behind this language is, “If external issues, people and events allow, I could possibly move forward with my goal, provided something else doesn't happen.” Phrases like, “I have to _.” imply someone else is running your life. Who really says you have to _? Commitments are powerful statements that declare, “I will do this regardless of external events.” The phrase I encourage is, “I'm going to .” Starting each day with an “I'm going to” commitment focuses the brain on a specific goal, activating the prefrontal lobes so the brain is ready for a day of learning. Your Brain Smart Start commitment can be individual, like writing a personal commitment in a journal, or it can be a group commitment such as, “Today I will be helpful at least one time.” Your commitment could also be in the form of a class chant such as, “Today I'm going to have listening ears, kind words, no put downs, the right to pass, and gentle touches, treating everyone as I would want to be treated.” The web portal contains video examples of children making age-appropriate commitments. To be successful, you must plan your Brain Smart Start for the beginning of the day and secondary Brain Smart Starts during transitions throughout the day. I speak all over the world, and I use Brain Smart Starts throughout every presentation. I strategically plan and incorporate these moments in order to help attendees shift their internal states to that of optimal learning and focus. I often hear, “I enjoyed your presentation. It really kept my attention going” The content I teach and my presentation style are engaging, but I know that without incorporating Brain Smart Starts after transitions and during times of low energy (like the 2 p.m. slump), attendees’ ability to sustain attention will inevitably slip. The same is true in classrooms around the globe. As educators, we must be active participants in helping children maintain focus. The Brain Smart Start is a key player in this effort. 109SAFETY CHAPTER 10 The Conscious Discipline Commitment to Remember Your Worth I dedicate this time to becoming a more conscious, compassionate person. WILLingly, I provide safety, support, and structure for the children in my care. REMEMBERing that what | offer to others, I strengthen in myself. May I never forget ‘MY worth depends on seeing the WORTH in others. Activity to Discover How You Start the Day In the space below, summarize how you begin your school day. After listing the activities, decide if you are using Brain Smart strategies. Do you have activities to unite, disengage stress, connect or affirm? If not, how might you begin to make changes? List one change you are willing to make. Current beginning of the day Changes I could make in the near future: ‘One change I am willing to make right now:‘These songs include music and movement activities that are helpful for your Brain Smart Start in the morning and other transitions. They provide the short, ideal brain breaks that are needed to turn off the stress response throughout the day. Kindness Counts “It's Brain Smart Time,” “We All Count” Brain Boogie Boosters “Watch Me Listen,” “Brain Breaks,” “Greetings” It Starts in the Heart “My School Family,’ “Get Ready” Songs for I Love You Rituals Volume 1 “Dancing Hands;’ “Twinkle, Twinkle,’ “Peter, Peter,” “Humpty Dumpty” “Here's the Bunny” Songs for I Love You Rituals Volume 2: “Little Miss Muffet,” “You've Been Gone,” “I Like to be With You,” “I'm a Helpful Person” To purchase these music CDs, visit ConsciousDiscipline.com. Ritual: Safekeeper Job Description and Ritual Whether we are conscious of it or not, we often think it is our job to control children’s behavior and demonstrate that control to our administrators. If we fail to control them, we are failures as teachers, It is time we consciously change this job description from one of force and coercion to one of self-regulation. The new job description is: ‘My job is to keep the classroom safe so children can learn. The children's job is to help keep the classroom safe. The Safekeeper job description is essential if we want all children to be successful, including typically developing children, children with difficult temperaments, children with special needs (ADHD, etc.) and children who have experienced stressors early in their lives. The Safekeeper job description helps change our intent from one of force to one of helping children be successful. Changing our intent changes how we speak to children. Remember, we create danger every time we attempt to make others bad, wrong or responsible for our upset, To be a Safekeeper, we must take 100 percent responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings and actions. We must use composure ourselves, in order to discipline children from an executive state. A Safekeeper must choose to: Be a S.T.A.R. instead of losing it. Become aware of trigger thoughts and events. Wish children well and notice instead of judge. Use the language of safety instead of the language of fear. See conflict as an opportunity to teach. mSAFETY CHAPTER 4: COMPOSURE 12 e Activity to Experience the Difference for Yourself Do this activity to experience the difference between using language to create control and to create safety. Read both sentences and see if you can feel the difference. If you have a partner, one of you pretend to be the child and the other pretend to be the adult and share the differences between perspectives. Language of Control Language of Safety Losing It Active S.T.A.R. Calming You are driving me crazy. I've had it with you. Turn your card to red. One more outburst and you will leave my room. Tam going to take a few deep breaths and calm myself down. Then I will speak to you Judging Noticing + [don't know how such a lovely girl | + She is having a hard time getting can be so lazy. started with her work. + JJ-is just mean, He bullies + JJ. doesn’t know the words to use everyone in class. I have done when he finds himself in a conflict. everything except suspend him and nothing works! Language of Fear Language of Safety + Walking feet, walking feet, walking + Walk in the classroom just like this feet! What did I just tell you? (model) so everyone is safe. + Hold my hand. Do you want acar | + Hold my hand so you are safe when to hit you? we cross the street. + What is our rule about pushing in + Push your chairs in so everyone is chairs? safe, ‘The Safekeeper ritual supports your role as Safekeeper in your classroom. Begin this ritual on the first day of school. You will need a Safekeeper box and a figure to represent each individual in your classroom. The figures might be as simple as popsicle sticks with names on them or photos of the children. The Safekeeper ritual itself can be done in many ways. The goal is for the students to consciously place their figures in the Safekeeper box while making a commitment to help keep the classroom a safe place to learn. (Many classrooms combine this process with attendance taking.) At the end of each day, remove the figures from the Safekeeper box and display them for the students to repeat the ritual the next morning. Start the school year off by telling children your job description and teaching them how to do the Safekeeper ritual. Repeat over and over, “My job is to keep the classroom safe.” Create a psychologically safe classroom by using composure to manage your own upset. Relate everything you do to safety. “Leaving materials on the floor is not safe. Someone could trip or the materials might get lost.” Use conflict moments to repeat your job description. “Michael, pushing Jamey in hurtful. My job is to keep the classroom safe. What could you do now that would be helpful instead of hurtful?” View images and videos of the Safekeeper ritual in Shubert’s School and on the web portal.