Annoying People in an Elevator

Act like a dog, growl at people. Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body. Apply dripping red paint around the edge of the roof hatch. When someone enters, look upwards and whisper "I think they want in..." Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Press the wrong ones. Ask everyone what they made for their side dish. Ask someone to take your temperature, then turn around and bend over. Ask, did you hear that cable snapping sound? Attempt to hypnotize the other passengers. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. Blow spit balls at the ceiling. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers. Blow your nose on your sleeve. Bring a camera, take pictures of everybody in the elevator. Bring a chair along. Bring easy math flash cards on the elevator and ask the person next to you to help you study them (get them wrong). Burp, and then say mmmm...tasty! Call out, Group hug! and enforce it. Call the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor youre on. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek. Clutch your stomach and gasp. Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed. Collect an elevator tax. Count down from 100,000 out loud. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there? Do Tai Chi exercises. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space. Draw a volleyball on the wall of the elevator and insist you have been trapped in there for 3 months. Formally introduce everyone to the volleyball! Dress as a clergy member of the opposite sex. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, Thats mine! Eat jello through a straw. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave. Give each passenger a ticket and remind them that door prize drawing is in half an hour. Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements Give religious tracts to each passenger. Go into extreme detail explaining how you were trapped in an elevator once for two days. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. Greet everyone with a smile and a handshake, then ignore them. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" Guard the button panel so no one can touch it. Growl and bite at anyones fingers who attept to cross you. Have a picnic in the elevator. Have a seizure. Hold the elevator door open and say youre waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, Hi John, hows your day been? Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends. Hug yourself. Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator. Hum the theme to Jeopardy If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!" If anyone brushes against you, whisper to them "was it good for you too?" Introduce yourself as Ochenga-Wangaa The great chief and begin telling stories of your native island.

Jump up when the elevator reaches a stop. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they want to play. Lean against the button panel. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming! Leave a box between the doors. Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking. Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. Make farm noises. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. Make sure the emergency phone is working. Meow occasionally. Move your desk in to the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. Mumble autistically about the possibilities of elevator accidents. Offer a bite of your fresh tangerine to everyone coming on board. Offer hitman services. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom. Open a lemonade stand. Perform the Hamlet soliloquy. When a new passenger enters, start over again. Pick your nose. Place police tape (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) on the inside of the doors. Play dead. Play patty--cake with the door. Play the harmonica. Pour water on the front of your trousers, so it looks like you have wet yourself, tell everyone who comes in to the elevator, that you had a little accident. Pray to Budda. Preach about the end of the world. Pretend to be dead and lie on the elevator floor. Pretend youre a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Read a book upside down. Recite poetry in monotone. Request for people to watch you Riverdance. Say "Ding!" at each floor. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in. Scratch yourself. Scribble furiously on a notepad while looking at each passenger. When they try to look, hide the pad. Sell Girl Scout cookies. Shadow box. Shave. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons. Sing: "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerve's, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, i know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and it goes like this!" to the tune of "camp town lady".....pause.....repeat....continually. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce Youre one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger." Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce Ive got new socks on! Start a sing-along. Start reciting "Green Eggs and Ham" and ask people what comes next.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf? Tap dance. Tell everyone about the hidden rooftop penthouse belonging to the mob. Tell everyone about your love life. Tell people you can see their aura. Tell the passengers not to worry. The bomb won't go off for at least another two minutes. Throw a party in the vator! Try to purchase an article of clothing from the person next to you. Untie one shoe, then tie the other. Repeat. Walk in circles. Change directions when you hit a passenger. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side. Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers. Wear a basketball jersey. Show everyone your armpit. Works best if you get a good workout and don't use deodorant. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. Wear a Santa suit...in June. Wear a ski mask and carry an axe. Wear complete SCUBA gear, then offer your buddy hose to the other passengers When the elevator doors close, bang on them, screaming let me out! When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now... motion sickness! When the elevator doors close, announce to the others, Its okay, dont panic, theyll open again. When the doors close pretend you arm got caught in it. When the doors open, pretend you did it with your mind. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?" When the elevator reaches another passengers floor, scream and collapse in front of the door. When theres only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasnt you. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, hide it...quick! then whistle innocently. Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.

Annoying People in Public Bathrooms

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Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. Cheer and clap loudly every time someoe brekas the silence w/ a bodily function noise. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free." Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!" Fill a balloon w/ creamed corn. Rush into the stall w/ your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast. Fill up a large flask w/ Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!" Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 ft. Sigh relaxingly. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peekaboo!" Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot." Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!" Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" Say, "Damn, this water's cold." Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." Say, "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers." Say, "Now how did that get there?" Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

General Ways to Annoy People

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Accuse people of "glue sniffing addictions" in public. Add blank entries to a list, to make it look like it's longer. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't received enough chocolate sprinkles. Announce when you're going to the bathroom. Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout "I win!". Any time a member of the opposite sex tries to talk to you, hold your hand up to prevent them from saying anything and say, "Look, I know what you're going to ask me... For the last time, no, I will NOT go out with you." Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. Then eat raw potatoes. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. As people talk, smell their shoulders. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!") Ask people what gender they are. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." Ask to "interface" with someone. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" At a restaurant, repeatedly send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that, "This isn't what I ordered!" At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. At random times in a conversation, say "Hi," "Hello Sir, how are you?" or "Have a good day, thank you." At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the." Be "in conference" all the time. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons. Begin all your sentences with "Ohh la la!" Block the entrances of elevators, buses, and subways. Bring 15 things into the dressing room. Bring a portable CD player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that it is "Just better quality" Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips. Buy it, wear it, return it. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. Call every girl you know "dude". Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonalds. Call everyone a communist. Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today. Call other people "Champ" or "Tiger.". Refer to yourself as "Coach." Call someone and ask for someone that you know is not there then hang up. Call again about a half hour latter and ask for the same person then hang up again. Wait another half hour and call again and ask for that person again and then hang up again and wait a hour and call the same number and say that you are the person that you have been calling for and ask if you had any messages. Call the operator. When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks, just browsing." Call your neighbors collect. Change Channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." Chew on pens/pncils that you've borrowed. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." Claim you are fluent in over 6 million forms of communication - constantly, every time any language is mentioned, even if the comment is not directed to you Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking. Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school. Close your eyes and start snoring whenever anyone tries to talk to you. Consistently refer to everyone as 'mortal.' Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, pronouncing the results. Continually try to get all of the people who write you letters to put cellophane tape over their stamps so that you can wipe off the postmark and reuse them. Continue to ask someone, "Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over and over. Continuously mumble during a conversation. Continuously open your briefcase or bag and say into it, "Have you got enough air in there?" Convince people you are deaf and talk in an incredibly phony sign language. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace." Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register. Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Develop strategies for cutting into the front of lines. Disagree strongly with everything anybody says. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. Don't clean the dryer lint screen. Don't leave a message at the beep, just hangup. Don't rewind videocassettes before bringing them back. Don't stand during hymns and anthems. dont use any punctuation Down a can of Coke in one drink and then burp loudly. Draw mustaches on posters. Dress like a "High-class rich person" and wash windows at random street corners. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. Drive half a block. Drum on every available surface. Drum your fingers during other people's presentations. Eat out with friends and "forget" your wallet. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it. E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows XP that aren't actually there. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?" Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver. Every time you see a particular coworker, shout, "So we meet again!" and laugh evilly. Explain "the little green men" in detail to someone, and when they don't believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise. Face the back when standing in an elevator. Fart in cramped places. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Finish each sentence with "Monkey See, Monkey Do". Finish other people's crossword puzzles Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. Flirt with a friend's spouse, lick your lips slowly, wink, etc. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel. Force everyone to remove their shoes when they enter your office "to prevent contamination." Forget the pooper scooper. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." Frantically change the date on people's computers back 50 years, and claim that you are trying to save humanity from the "Year 2000 Bug." Get to know a friends bookie and place bets for them. Insist on keeping half of any money they win. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. Give little kids clothes for their birthdays Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme. Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was here a minute ago, officer!" Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Go to a shoe store and try on every shoe, then say that you aren't interested in buying shoes and leave. Go to McDonalds and ask for a BK Whopper. Go up the down escalator. Go up to a someone and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly. Grin so wide it hurts your cheeks at every salesperson in town. Hang around national monuments all day, trying to get in other people's vacation photos. Afterwards, give them your address and ask them to send you a print when they get them developed. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. Hold the elevator until you have finished your conversation. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Honk and wave to strangers. Hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. In an office, lock all the doors behind you. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President. Insist on buying airplane tickets for friends to "save them money." Make sure the plane departs at 5AM and the tickets are non-refundable. Point out that you didn't really save them any money. Insist on giving weather forecasts in public. Claim to be AMS certified. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles. Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R. Insist that your e-mail address be [email protected] Instead of singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall! Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds. Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads. Leave pages in the copier.

Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April. Leave the toilet seat up Leave tips in Bolivian currency. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. Leave your Metallica CD in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted. Leave your pantyhose hanging in the shower. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the parking lot. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. Let doors slam behind you -- in other people's faces. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. Lie to your therapist. Light road flares on a birthday cake. Listen to 33RPM records at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." Look at your hand in amazement and say, "Whoa, I never knew I had this!" Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants. Make appointments for the 31st of September. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Make scary faces at babies. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." (Hmmm, I guess our President has already co-opted this idea!) Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking. Mow your carpet. (Or preferably somebody else's) Mow your lawn with scissors. Name your dog "Dog." Never break eye contact. Never make eye contact. Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice. On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns. On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Have each of you stand a mile apart on a highway. On buses, attempt to convince the driver to take a really cool short-cut you know. Barter and haggle for your fare. On the public bus, keep asking the driver nervously, "are we there yet?" only type in lowercase. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. Open umbrellas in crowded hallways. Order a pizza and ask them if they can "please put the crust on top this time" in an exasperated voice. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. Outloud say "What?" and then answer "Never mind. It's gone now." Page yourself over an intercom, but don't disguise your voice. Pay for your dinner with pennies. Pay tolls with $100 bills Pee in the swimming pool. Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening. Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage. Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off. Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one you want. Place your shoes on the table. Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbors ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up! Plead with the person next to you for the window seat on the plane, and then get up fifteen or twenty times during the course of the flight complaining that you should have taken two spoonsful of "The Pink Stuff". Poke anyone near you and say, "stop violating my personal space." Pose as a client at a bank or other professional institution, and when you are seated in front of their desk,

keep rearranging the items on top into different patterns and tell them you are "just reorganizing things." Practice making fax and modem noises. Practice the art of limp handshakes Press the "power" button on on someone's computer or keyboard when they're almost finished typing up a long essay, story etc. Apologize sincerely, claiming that you thought it was the focus adjustment. Pretend you are invisible. Pretend you have gone completely deaf. Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it. Pretend you're listening. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of FBI copyright warnings. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner and hotel reservations. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Put everyone on speakerphone. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'. Race the old woman for the last bus seat. Rain on someone's parade. Read over other people's shoulders on the bus. Rearrange the keys on associates' keyboards to spell unflattering things about their mothers. Recite every song from the Playstation games PaRappa the Rapper and Um Jammer Lammy. Recite Shakespearian poetry to everyone you meet. Recite the first 100 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too. Remove single socks from laundry machines at public laundromats. Replace them bright red scarves which are especially prone to bleeding. Repeat everything someone says as a question. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now." Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." Ride a unicycle to work. Ride on the shoulder until you pass all the jammed traffic; then cut in. Run around holding your elbows and asking people to please take the straightjacket off you. Run through the halls of your office building or school with your arms outstretched, making airplane noises. Periodically crash into pedestrians and lose a wing. Spiral to a crash and repeat. Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one. Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?" Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I must kinda be a natural." See if you can be the first one off the plane, even if you are sitting by the window. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your agency's programs. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Send emails to listserv when nobody else can Send people annoying chain forwards with outrageous consequences like "If you don't send this to 300 people in 4 seconds you will die instantly" and then insist that it is true and it happened to your uncle. Serve corn on the cob to people with dentures. Serve TV dinners, wine coolers, and Twinkies on Thanksgiving. Set alarms for random times. Shake with your left hand. Sharpen All your pencils to the same size EXACTLY. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Sing along at the opera. Sing the "This is the song that never ends" song from Lampchop's Play-Along. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team.

Slap people and tell them to stop grabbing your ass. Smell smoke often and announce it. Snap your gum. Sniffle incessantly. Speak in a strong Welsh accent. Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." Spend all day at a fast food restaurant and see how long it takes before you have to pay for your "free" refills. Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2-D2. Spread fertilizer on half your neighbor's lawn. Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while you're at it, leave the cap off. Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub." Start to build a Star Destroyer. Build a mock-up out of popsicle sticks. Step on the back of the shoe of the person in front of you. Step on the heels of the person in front of you, and ask them to watch where they're going. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. Surprise old friend's by visiting them at 3AM "to discuss old times". Switch your neighbor's lawn furniture with someone else's. Tailgate the elderly. Take more than 10 items to the express checkout lane Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house, or better yet, someone else's house. Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away. Tap someone on the shoulder repeatedly. Tape a blank piece of typing paper to your dorm or office door and leave it up for ages; when someone finally writes on it, yell at them and tell them to please not deface your property. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies. Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton's cousin. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus. Tell people that they're "putting on weight nicely." Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone. Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweatpants. Tell people they have bad breath. Tell small children that they don't look very promising. Tell teenagers how things were in your day. Tell the ending of movies Throw an Oh Henry in a public pool. Throw newspapers back at paperboys. Throw stones at people walking past your house. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. Touch strangers. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say. Unbend all the paperclips you can find, then replace every eraser you can find with a rubber band. Use the last square of toilet paper and do not change the roll. Vacuum your lawn. (Or preferably somebody else's) Wait until you get to work to shave. Walk around at the casino, looking at people's hands and giving them advice loudly. "Wow, that's a GOOD one!" or "Get rid of the nine; you've got a pair of kings!" Walk into people's houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food. Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin man?" Walk up to random strangers insisting you are family. Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until

they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You're weird!" Leave the restaurant. Walk very slowly, and make sure nobody can get past you, move in front of them when the try. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." Wear a lot\of cologne. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. Wear alarming combinations of pink and green and comment about everybody else's fashion sense. Wear large hats during the movies. Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling. Wear odd shoes. Wear your cap backwards and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot. Wear your pants backwards. When a cop pulls you over, when they step up to your car, drive forward slowly and make them walk. Especially if it's raining. When at an ATM, try to have a conversation with it, or pretend it stole your card. (This works best if there's a line.) When at dinner at a fancy restaurant, keep blowing out the candle in the middle of the table, and blame it on your date. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two. When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly. When in a conversation, look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention." When in an elevator, in different voices, shout out random floors, and then watch as you get there, no one gets off. When in public, pretend you are selling something in an infomercial. When it says, "Reserved Parking", this means you. When people ask you to do things, mutter under your breath, "This won't be neccessary where you are going." When riding up an elevator with a stranger, start singing a song that everyone knows, then expect them to start singing too. If they do not start singing, insist, Everyone knows that song. Are you stupid? When standing near a "high-class person," ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off." When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right. When walking down a main road, act like a drunk. When walking push an invisible cart and make loud squeaky noises. When walking, talk to yourself constantly. When you're in an argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling "I don't see your name on it!". Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, "I know." Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke. Whenever somebody says something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation means. Repeat this for the entire conversation. Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, "And then what happened?" Whenever someone lights a cigarette, tackle the person and yell "Stop, drop, and roll!" While driving if you see a "How am I driving" bumper sticker, call the number and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job. While going down in an elevator scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" for no apparent reason. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive and put mosquito netting around your cubicle. While walking make car noises loudly (Such as changing gears). Wire up people's cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Pranks You Can Play To Annoy Your Roommate

Vaseline On The Door Knob - Put vaseline on the inside doorknob when you leave before your

roommate to prevent them from being able to turn the knob after you leave. Cereal Box Switch - Remove the plastic bags from cereal boxes and switch them around. Your roommate will scratch their head wondering why Frosted Flakes came out of a box of Cheerios. Hard Boiled Eggs - Boil some eggs and begin eating them. Then ask your roommate if he/she wants one. If they say yes, give them an unboiled egg. Then watch as they crack it open. TP The Room - Toilet Paper his/her room. Musical Rug - Take that small electronic chip out of a musical greeting card and place it underneath a rug/carpet, so whenever your roommate walks on it, music will play. TV Sensor - Use a small piece of black tape to block the cable/tv sensor so when your rooommate decides to watch TV next, he/she can't change the channel or adjust the volume. Book Pranks - Tear out the last 2 pages of the current book your roommate is reading. Then leave a note in the pages place. Send your victim on a scavenger hunt to find the pages. Shampoo Bottle - Glue their shampoo bottle shut so they can't open it. Ping Pong Balls - Put a bunch of ping pong balls in an open box and tilt it at an angle against a closet door or cabinet from the inside, so when your roommate opens the door the ping pong balls will all spill out. Strange Panties - Whenever you know that your roomate's girlfriend/boyfriend is coming over, put some sexy underwear (of the opposite sex) in their bed. Food Coloring - Put some food coloring inside their hand soap dispenser. When they try to wash his hands, they will end up messier than before they decided to wash them. Heavy Box - While moving either in or out of your dorm room, tape an empty box up and write 'HEAVY' on it (or something like '150 lbs') to try and convince your victim its heavy. Then carry it across the room and act as if it weighs a ton. Then ask your roommate to give you a hand. Struggle a bit to hand it over, ask him repeatidly if he has it, if its ok, etc...then just drop it in his hands. He will more than likely try to over compensate, thinking it really was heavy. Sink Hose - Put a rubberband around the pull out hose in your sink. When your rooommate uses the sink, they will get hosed with water. Inches - Everyday move your roommates stuff an inch away. In a about 2 weeks, his furniture will be almost out the door and he wouldn't even notice or give much thought. Cable TV - When your victim gets up from the couch to go to the bathroom or kitchen, get the remote and change the channel to a static only channel. When he/she returns they will think the cable went out. Salty Toothpaste - Sprinkle some salt on your roommate's toothbrush. When he/shes person goes to brush their teeth, they will get a salty tasted treat. CD Switch - Insert a CD they would hate into their favorite CD case. Lottery Ticket Swap - Buy your roommate a lottery ticket today, and tomorrow go out early and buy another ticket with the exact same numbers as the winning ticket from yesterday. When your roommate isn't paying attention swap the newer ticket for the the old one. When your roommate looks in the paper

for the winning numbers, he/she won't even realize the date is wrong on the ticket and will believe it is a winning ticket. Cellophane Toilet Bowl - This one is a classic. Place clear cellophane over the toilet bowl, but under the seat. This works best if your roommate is drunk so they won't notice. Hide The Dump - Take a dump into a small cup and place it in the most hard-to-find place in the room. They will then tear their room apart looking for the smell. Shoe Laces - Get your roommate's shoes and glue the laces together. Deodorant - Scrape off about an inch or so of your roommate's deodorant and replace it with cream cheese. Next time they use it, they will get a cream cheese surprise. Newspapers - Fill their room with crumpled up newspaper. Baby Powder On The Ceiling Fan - Pour some baby powder on the top side of a ceiling fan. When your victim turns it on, there will be baby popwder everywhere! Soap Prank - Coat your rooommate's bar of soap with nail polish and let it dry. When they try to use it, they will go nuts trying to get it to lather up.

Annoying People at the Computer Lab

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Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your pocket and say, "Oops, I forgot." Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "NO!!! They've found me!" and bolt. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. Play "Pong" for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week". Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they geta chance to figure out you're a total stranger. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends). Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. Two words: Tesla Coil. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. Yell "DISK FIGHT!!!"

How To Annoy People On The Beach

Ask everyone you meet, "Hot enough for you?" Sing the "Barney" theme song as loud as you can.

If you see kids building a sand castle, say, "That's not a real castle!" Every time when you're about to duck under the water, yell, "Down periscope!" Go swimming in a full business suit. If people notice, act like they're the weirdos. Put sea shell to your ear and announce to first person to pass by, "It's for you!" Repeat several times. Throw jellyfish around. Tune radio to all-news station and blast as loud as you can, then nod your head and snap your fingers like you're listening to some happenin' tunes. Act like a sea gull. Wear t-shirt that says, "I'm the coolest dude on this pathetic beach. No autographs please."

How To Annoy People At An Amusement Park

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Dress up like one of the photographers and follow people around asking them repeatly if they would like their picture taken. Leave large gaps in between you and the people in front of you while waiting in line. Everytime you pass a chain restraint not in use, clip it on and use it to hold back the people behind you in line. Ask the person running the roller coaster if someone has recently thrown up on it. Pretend to freak out on a ride so they stop it to let you off. Offer people money for their spots in line...MONOPOLY money. Speak in Spanish, or pretend you're deaf and start making rapid hand movements. Start talking about shaving your excess body hair in line while everyone around you is silent. Find someone and tell them you're lost. Use your best acting skills. Steal all of the pennies out of the water fountains. Go up to the boy band wanna-be group and pretend to be really excited and ask for their autographs, reassuring them that they're gonna make it big soon. Take an Alka-Seltzer tablet and begin to have spasmatic movements in your body while foaming at the mouth at the very top of the tallest ride. Ask the ride attendant if you cannot ride because you are under the influence of herione, marijuana, crack, and every other drug you can think of. Begin to cry when they start the merry-go-round and have them stop it because you're too scared to go all the way. Start talking *loudly* about the last time you got stuck upside-down on this ride, scaring everyone in line around you. Ask someone that looks like they're in a hurry for directions. Complain about how dirty the seat is, and demand they clean it off. Walk up to anyone in the park, and say "Hi, my name is [your name]" and offer a handshake. Ask ANYONE for their autograph. Advertise for a theme park...one you're not at. Find someone to tell your life story to. Whisper right in someone's ear, "I know what you did last summer." Comment how good you look in every picture of you on a ride. Make fun of everyone else in every set of pictures taken during the rides. Go up to every character walking around and give them a big hug and call them your "hero." Ride every water ride and inform everybody with you that you cant swim and everyone's gonna drown.

Ways to Annoy People On the Subway

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Take large objects on the train with you. Sing songs. Start a round with everyone on the train. Eat onions and garlic and talk to the people next to you. Sell stuff. Stand in front of the doorway and glare at people when they try to get by. Yell to your friends at the other end of the train.

Make fun of other people while they are in hearing distance of you. Ride the train while drunk. Extra points if you throw up. Constantly ask people for directions. Ask people where they are from. Ask people where they are going. Quiz people on the meaning of life. Start a game of poker. Extra points if it's strip poker. Start a game of tag. Extra points if it's strip tag. Start a game of twister. Use a cell phone. Talk loudly. Turn your headphones up to 120 decibels and then complain loudly that they just don't make headphones loud enough anymore. Shake off your umbrella on the people sitting down. Shake off your hair on the people sitting down. Ring out your shirt on the people sitting down. Even on days when it's not raining. Make them wonder where it all came from. Ring out the shirt of the person sitting next to you. Bring a pet. Preferable a rattlesnake. Without a cage. Juggle eggs. Juggle knives. Don't take a shower for a month. Stick your feet way out into the aisles when sitting down. Extra points if you're wearing clown shoes. Tell the people your problems. They really want to know. Start line dancing. Even when there's no music. Use the shoulder of the person next to you to take a nap. Use the shoulder of the person next to you to blow your nose. Use the shoulder of the person next to you to cry. Have deep philosophical conversations about belly button lint. Play an accordion for money. Make people pay you to stop. Jump up and down muttering "gotta go, gotta go" then frown and say "oops." Use pennies in the turnstile. Where a Burger King crown and tell everyone that they must bow before royalty. Hit those who don't.

Annoying People At The Office

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Hi-lite your shoes. Tell people that you havent lost your shoes since you did this. Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonalds Playland. Charge everyone $15 each. Arrive at a meeting late, say youre sorry, but you didnt have time for lunch, and youre going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat entire raw potatoes. Attach a sign that says "FAX" to the paper shredder. Sit and watch to see how many people fall for it. Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didnt turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers. Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans. Change the message on the company voice mail system. Get Creative. Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. Determine how many cups of coffee is too many. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Email your boss the message: I know what you did last vacation. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Erect a shrine to your favorite sports team, holding candlelight vigils at 10:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. daily. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Grow mold in your coffee cup. Hang mistletoe over your desk. Hide a rubber cockroach in inventive places. Include a piece of your childrens artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you dont have children, draw stick figures yourself.) Insist that your e-mail address be: [email protected] (or [email protected]) Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer. Make a roof over your cubical out of old soda cans. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. Thats a good point Sparky. No Im sorry Im going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi. Name all your pens and insist that meetings cant begin until theyre all present. Come to work in your pajamas. No matter what anyone asks you, reply Okay. Page your co-workers to call their extensions so they call themselves. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people youre waiting for your document. Put a picture of your mother on your business card. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves. Put shaving cream on your bosss telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say Sqwish. Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now go to that executive meeting. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it IN. Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, Oh youve got to be faster than that. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your companys products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Send emails one word (or a few) at a time. end each one wth something like, "more to come tuned to your inbox for further developments..." Sing Its a Small World After All really loud in your cubical. Subscribe your coworkers to those free trade journals. Give them wacky middle names. Example: Bobby Pud McNeel. Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. Talk to your mouse as if it is a C.B. radio. Wait until a co-worker goes on vacation, then relocate everything they have in their office, and move someone else in their place. When they get back act like nothing has changed since they left. When an a person tells you that they'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, I think my phone is ringing and leave. Go get a coffee. When IT support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. Whenever anyone comes in your cubicle insist they knock or dont speak with them. When they knock, ignore them. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.

Ways to Torture the Pizza Guy

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Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "BedWetters Camp, right?" Add extra letters to words, ex: pizza becomes pizzzzzzzaaaaaaa After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. Answer their questions with questions. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) Ask for chips/fries with everything! Ask for extra homo-sapien Ask for the guy who took your order last time. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. Ask if the pizza has had its shots. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. Ask if them if they get a free date with one of the staff if you make order over $30. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. Ask if you they can put food color in the cheese. Ask the man/woman if they can sculpt the pizza into your favorite celebrity. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue. Ask to see a menu. Ask what the order taker is wearing. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. backwards pizza your order Be vague in your order. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. Change your accent every three seconds. Crack your knuckles into the receiver. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word." Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?" Eliminate verbs from your speech. Engage in some serious swapping. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-andso." Hang up. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up Haggle. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it." If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. If you live next door or on the same block as the pizza place, ask them to deliver with their pizza truck. Imitate the order taker's voice. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. Keep telling the order taker about the other pizza place you sued last year. Laugh every minute or two, mention the cat in the microwave! Learn the topping codes or abbreviations and use them instead of the name (e.g. pp instead of double pepperoni). Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it

Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'." Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Order a one-inch pizza. Order a slice, not a whole pizza. Order a steamed pizza. Order one with ants. Order term life insurance. Order the most expensive pizza and have it sent to your boss! Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." Order using lines from different movies (Luke, I am your "customer"-Darth Vader) Order while using an electric knife sharpener. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable. Order your pizza, singing in falseto! Pass the phone around to everyone in the house -- have each person change the order a little. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimplefaced gofer. Play a sitar in the background. Pretend that you were trying to call 911 when they tell you you have the wrong # say oh well start to order... In the middle of your order stop and start to panic and yell ITS ABOUT TO BLOW and hang up. Pretend your flying a jet fighter in the Gulf War while ordering. Psychoanalyze the order taker. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound. Put them on hold. Quote Carl Sandberg. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. Rent a pizza. Repeat every third third word twice Report a petty theft to the order taker. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back. Say your order as fast as humanly possible. Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?" Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD. Spill out your life story and ask them to they understand, if they say yes, Scream "liars, I don't believe you!" and hang up! Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!" Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't." State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. St-tt-t-utter, b-b-bb-badly Stutter on the letter "p." Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he' fired. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." Try to talk while drinking something. Use CB lingo where applicable. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town." When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. When ordering a pizza, burst out in tears every 2 minutes When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?" When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?" When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math." While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

How To Annoy People On An Airplane

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Act like a movie star. Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Tom Cruise or Madonna (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question) Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only) Ask the person next to you, "Are you in the Witness Protection program too?" Attempt to promote Hinduism among passengers Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly." Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here...." Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F". Bring a microphone and act like Frank Sinatra Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play Doom. Call the stewardess "nurse". Continually offer to share your "Beano". Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea. Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you Disco dance in the aisle Don't use deoderant, then "accidently" stick your armpit in someone's face During the inflight movie, ask to share headphones with someone During the meal, loudly explain that on time you ate shark fin soup and proceeded to puke all over the airplane, spewing chunks of shark on the other passengers Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didn't come out, 'cause they aren't really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone would die Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't" Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed. Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!" Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do the call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world Go up to someone and ask loudly if they wouldn't mind applying Preporation H to your hemrrhoids. Hum the Monty Python theme song.

If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off. Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!" Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane. Lead a revolt against the first class passengers. Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?" Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends Moon passing Delta planes. No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni. Pick your nose and pat the person next to you. Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes. Pretend you're flying the plane. Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head. Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put superglue in your undies that morning. Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!" Say, "Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel gets its wings?" Then sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds. Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger. Scream and dive under your seat for no apparent reason. Show off your Batman underwear. Sing along with the songs on your Walkman. Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul...," while smiling maniacally. Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it Snort when you laugh Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-th-e-r. Weather." Spill soda "Accidentally" on the person next to you. Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours...." Start a hot dog stand. Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that never ends...." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing. Steal a businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it. Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check. Switch accents and see if anyone notices. Tap at the windows, saying "Looks pretty tough" then ask somone if they have a bat you could use to test. Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same 46. Wear a hairpiece and switch it often, seeing if anyone notices Tell the person next to you your life story, from DNA to that afternoon Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile. Try to lead plane in song "Oh I wish I was an Oscar Myer Weiner" When there's any nudity, say "Hey! He/she must be real cold!" When they ask something, pretend that you don't know and you have to go ask someone else. Repeat wtih every question. (ie., "How are you today?" "How can I help you," "what would you like to order") When two people kiss in the film, belch real loud. Whip out your kazoo and give first class a special entertainment show. With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Nevermind. Do you have any towels?" With a fellow passenger, Re-enact the disco scene in "Airplane!" With the person next to you, discuss cannabilism among airline crash passengers on deserted islands. Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"

Ways to Annoy Your Professor

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Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...." Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherently while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?" Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!" Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you." Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting. Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!" and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins." Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire class, and your professor.

Demand extra credit. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!" Apologize, and explain that you got confused. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is "very inspiring." Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and throw it through the window.

Ways To Annoy A Cop

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Hey, you must've been doin' 125 mph to keep up with me! Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. Hi, officer. Do you mind holding my beer while I find my license? I thought you had to be in relatively good shape to be a police officer. You know, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. Bad cop! No doughnut! You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "Cops?" Wow, you look like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed. I bet you I can grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket. So, you on the take, or what? Aren't you the guy from the villiage people? Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS? Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches? Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. I pay your salary. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds. So uh, you on the take or what? Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

Annoying Things to do in a Discount Superstore

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"Accidentally" get stuck in one of the frozen food doors. Give people strange looks and see if anyone helps you out. Add really funny things to other peoples carts and watch them pay for it and see if they notice. Around Christmas time, start caroling. Ask for money from the listeners. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" Ask if you can buy a shopping cart. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. Ask Someone if they know were they sell little babies! Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. Bring a friend and get in a shopping cart. Have them push you around while you yell "ye-haw!" Buy chrome hubcaps and put them on in the parking lot Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. Constantly wink at a person you don't know. Follow them around and blow kisses to them. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible." Do all of these above without getting thrown out! Contributed Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!" Dress as a Jedi and randomly tell other shoppers in you're best Yoda voice,"May the force be with you". Everytime you walk out the door (or try waiting by the door for others to walk out), make a dinging noise then say mechanically "We're sorry. You have activated the Wal Mart inventory control service. Please step back and a Wal Mart associate will help you. Thank you." Fill your shopping cart with matchbooks and gasoline and walk around smiling at people. Find a parent with her kid in the shopping cart. Point at the kid and ask the parent, "What aisle are they selling these on?" Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. Gather a bunch of bouncy balls and bounce them into neighboring aisles. Get 20 people together and play hide-n-go-seek. Get a dish towel and bucket and sit on the floor singing "It's a hard knock life for us!" Get a friend, put on as many articles of clothing you can find and start sumo wrestling (use diapers if possible) . Get a group of friends together and take lawn chairs from the display then rewind the movie playing on the display TV in electronics, sit down and watch the entire thing. Get one of those fake dogs that barks/sings, place it on the ground in front of a group of people and press the button to make it sing/bark. Then proceed to bark and growl like you are going to attack it Go into the dressing room and yell real loud... Hey, were out of toilet paper in here! Go to the express lane and get an item, and say "wait, I forgot something, and keep doing that until you have like 50, check out, then say "thanks, I forgot how much this costs," and walk away. Go to the video game section and play one of the games for a minute the throw down the controller and start to bang on the display case when an attendant asks u what u are doing tell him your trying to change the game. Go up to a guy and start crying saying I finally found you mommy! And see what he does! Go up to someone and start taking items from their basket and put them into yours. Go up to the clerk and say code Red! and see what they do! (I know it will work I did it.) Grab handfulls of super bounce balls and go wild. have a couple of friends go with you and dress up as power rangers. Battle the invisible enemy and tell shoppers to stand back. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like Pick me! Pick me!! hide in the toy section, when someone comes close jump out at them throw a ball and yell "Pikachu I choose you!" Hold indoor shopping cart races. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. Joust with the electronic assist carts and wrapping paper (they usually won't throw you out) Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms. Make farting noises as you walk by someone.

Make the entire auto department smell by sampling all the spray air fresheners. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?" Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. Page yourself and then after the employee says your name, say...Oh that's me, I've got to go. Thank you. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. Play "Marco Polo." Play blind chicken with 12 friends putting a blind fold on one and them having that person trying to find you . Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. Play with the automatic doors. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. Pour bubble bath into the fountains in the garden section. Put M&M's on layaway. Put random items in the shopping carts of others while they aren't looking. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. Repeat whatever the store clerk tells you. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive." Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. roll cans of soup down the aisles. run around the store yelling I'm a princess while holding a toy wand. Run around yelling for your pet ferret "Stinky". check out all the funny looks you get! Run up to a complete stranger and say "You're it!" Run up to a new employee in the pet aisle and point to an invisible cash register and say "Hey you! That cash register over there, well um, I think it's magic! It made my little sister (or brother if you have one) disappear!" Wait and see what they say and the expression on their face. Sample all the fragrances in the perfume department. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?" Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. Set up a battle of laser tag . Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. set up like ten pineapples in the shape of bowling pins and start bowling with a coconut. Shoot the bungee tops at customers. Start Humming the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Theme song. Whenever someone looks at an item near you scream "TUTLE POWER" and run away as fast as you can. Strategically scatter those novelty dog poops throughout the store and wait for some to announce "cleanup on aisle ..." then yell "BAD FLUFFY!" Switch the mens and womens signs on the doors of the restroom. Take a snickers bar, go in the bathroom and smoosh the snickers bar in your hand and reach over to the next stall and say "uh do you have some toilet paper over there?" Take all of the free AOL cd's on the end of the check out counter Contributed by Keith Take bets on the battle described above. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. Throw as many shoes as possible onto the floor in as little time as you can. TP as much of the store as possible. Try to fly on a broom. If anyone asks what you are doing tell them in a very annoyed voice, "the brooms don't work!" Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10". Unload then entire bin of giant bouncy balls, get in the bin, have a friend put all the balls back on top of you. When someone walks by jump outta the balls causing them to fly everywhere. Walk about 10 centimeters in front of a moving shopping cart and yell "Its gonna get me!" walk around in rubber boots , a rain coat, and an umbrella on bright sunny day!

Walk through the store pushing a cart that is upside-down. Walk up and down yelling mommy , mommy then keep saying out loud have you seen my mommy I'm lost and I cant find her. Walk up to a person and say I'm the FBI and I heard that you have been shopelifting and we need to check you. Walk up to an employee and ask where the laxatives are, changing your voice as if you really need it. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. Walk up to the automatic doors and walk back and forth through them and each time u go though look up at the sensor and yell "how does it work or ITS MAGIC!" When a woman with children walks near you in the toy aisle, throw yourself on the floor, screaming "mommy, I want that toy" When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" when someone steps away from their cart to look at something quickly make off with it without saying a word. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. when the speaker/pager deal comes on start mimicking them. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!" While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. Act as spastic as possible. While playing a video game in the Electronics, skip side-by-side, wiggle your butt, and hum to the music. Contributed by MOOSE!!!! While walking alone pretend you are have a serious conversation with someone. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crud, anyway?"

Annoying Things To Say To Other People

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Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth! I work for the IRS. Have you ever tried cat meat? I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas. I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny! The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me! I puked on the last person who flew next to me. My butt reeeally itches! Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose! My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures. The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator. Would you hold this messy kleenex for me? Wanna see my tonsils? I keep them in a jar. I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you? The doctors say that my eighth personality is the least dangerous. Wow, look at that little boy in the third row! Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?! Hey, does your urine ever turn blue? I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not! This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary. Oh damn, my diaper's wet again! If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up. Wanna buy a gerbil? Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there right behind the Savior David!

Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off. Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me at the border! I've just been treated for tapeworms. Don Knotts is my favorite actor! I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck. The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was doing much better when I left a couple days ago. Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle? I collect aluminum foil. Ya know, these days a man can't hang out with a seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his peers! I work in a landfill. I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience. I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded! I work on a Japanese whaling ship. We're planning on leaving our bodies and meeting with the mother ship next Tuesday -- wanna come?

Ways to Annoy Santa Claus

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Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :(" Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

How To Annoy the IRS

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Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side). Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand. If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check. On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess. If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped.

Annoying People At A Funeral

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Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo. Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in it. Ask the widow to give you a kiss. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

Ways to Annoy Usenet (Newsgroups)

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Post a message asking how to post messages. Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy. Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code", 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature. Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups. Post recipes on rec.pets.cats. Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title such as "*** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***" Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat. On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel. Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune "for a poll". Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the "two-strings-go-in-a-bar" joke. Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet have its own sex group. Post your new "War Heroes of India" FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan. Start this week's new AOL virus rumor. Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20). Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new "HOOTERAMA" phone sex service or "PorqWhiffe" pheramone cologne. Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible microchips in your genitals. Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts. Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie. Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature. Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable interchange of provocative ideas. Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates' VISA card number. Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy Crawford. Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word "imbecile" in your followup flames. Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster. Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates. Post personal ads on groups such as alt.sex.diapers listing your work phone number. Post under the name Dave Rhodes. Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 10. Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale FAQ. Advise other readers to ftp to 127.0.0.1 for "really cool nudie pics". Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles. Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you the answers, since you "don't read the group". Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics such as abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile circumcision, and the relative superiority of Mac or PC operating systems. Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in other readers, such as "SoHot4U", "SokSnifer", or "WetNWild". Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressingsomeone with whom you disagree as "monkey boy". Inform the readers of the sex groups that they're "going straight to hell", and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts. Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncle's ex-girlfriend's boss knew received the donated heart of River Phoenix. Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as rec.pets.iguanas or sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and Azeri genocide theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and ancient astronauts. Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their killfile. Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in wildly inappropriate newsgroups, and followup to berate the readers for not responding.

Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination OJ Jury Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology Documents/Computer Subliminal Hypnosis ftp archive. Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing or pecking a feeder bar. Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to rec.food.recipes. Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks by challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as possible for the word vomit. Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, or Emacs macros. Claim that you can see "hidden images" in another person's posting when you cross your eyes. Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos. Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing. Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts. Accuse female posters of being male. Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice. Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a "newbie" because their 3 months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of 4. Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with consuming the flesh of strangled disabled minors is "judgemental". If you've grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by accusing others of being Nazis. Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef has a Sampo. Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself. Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital sores, and various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless. Ask readers of sci.med for urgent, step-by-step instructions on removing arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned dark purple. Insist that there's no such state in the U.S. as "New Mexico". Post only in Esperanto. Claim a copyright on the word "Usenet", and followup with a bill all posts you encounter that contain it. Sell "posting permits" in news.announce.newusers. Post single-part text messages in MIME format. Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the drummer for your new band, "Death Monkeys". Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting under a name such as "Robert Bradley Smith, Jr." In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to followup with their account passwords and credit card numbers. Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can use at least thirty?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? List a cute organization name in your header, such as "Canadians for Global Warming". Insult a poster from another nation based on his country's performance in World War II. Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite newsgroups, as if you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent debating which shotgun is superior in alt.games.doom. Followup spam posts in the belief that the originator, who probably follows the group closely and is desperately curious about receiving feedback, will see your impassioned plea and be so moved by your lengthy, point-by-point indictment of their conduct that they pledge to desist from such activity for all time. Regardless of its accuracy, followup another post with the line "BZZZT! Wrong answer!" or "Hello! McFly!" Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature. Post to soc.culture.women asking "what's your favorite brand of oven mitt, little ladies?" Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses in Portland willing to spank you. Followup with an apology. Followup again with the original article. Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with strange, non-ASCII characters. Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise, regardless of their relevance. Make it clear from your postings that you've a profound inability to distinguish "The X Files" as fiction. Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo. Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you claim show clear evidence of alien settlements. Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts. Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills to tax modem usage "in the name of

freedom". Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your posts. Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig Shergold. Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to the castle. POST IN ALL CAPS omit all punctuation omitallspaces OALLTHREEOFTHEABOVE Ask the readers of alt.current-events.net-abuse where to purchase Cantor and Siegel's book. Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy as the "Classified ATF Secret Hotline". Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the favorite movie musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast. Post it weekly in its entirety. Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are correctly spelled. Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned debate on the topic "AOL users suck". Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the assertion that no one is legally required to pay taxes. Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it "dply offnsiv". Post to rec.music.misc insisting that "Curt Kobain should leave Pearl Jam since they'll never tour again." Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in helping lonely Ukrainian lasses find love. Followup another person's posts every twelve minutes to accuse them of "obsessing". Followup two dozen of another person's posts to accuse them of harassing you. Send copious e-mail if you're ignored. Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi Goldberg has eyebrows, what happens when you cross the International Dateline, and whether

Annoying Things to do at a Drive Through Window

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Specify that this order is "To Go". Drive through the drive in backwards and let your rear seat passenger make the order. At midnight, ask if you are too early for Breakfast. When Ordering, start talking about the problems you were having with your car. Ask if somebody can take a look at it. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped. Laugh loudly when asked if you would like fries with your order. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "Would you like fries with your order?" When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just looking and drive off. Tell them you have to use the bathroom - Don't Order anything. Order a hamburger, no bun with two ketchup sachets - Thats all. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare and say " I know what you did to my food ! ". When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the rubbish from your car in it. Honk your horn the whole way through the line. When they come on the intercom, say "Sorry, I'm not here at the moment, please leave me a message". Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please." In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person

behind you is handed 40 bags of food. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage and ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells. Drive through with a car load of naked people. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe." All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick up window.

Annoying People At The Mall

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Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock. Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. At the bottom of an escalator, scream My SHOELACES! AAAGH! Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. .Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen... ....but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that theyre astronaut food. Follow patrons of D. Baltons around while reading aloud from Dianetics. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that its a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, You mean you really cant see it? Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning. Test mattresses in your pajamas. Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels. If youre patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side. Sprint up the down escalator. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the hidden picture. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether theres much meat on them. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, I see London, I see France... Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps. Play the tuba for change. Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play Jesus Built My Hotrod. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring

onlookers. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will give you a really wicked buzz. Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have any giant junk made out of straw. Toast plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing Saved by the Bell. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling scratch one flat top! Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are leakproof. Play the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether theyre real. If its Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say Dominos. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. Show people your drivers license and demand to know whether theyve seen this man. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasnt turned blue yet. Walk up the skinniest stairs in the mall with your arms out not letting anyone pass and walkin really slow. And any time someone is near yell. Find one of the huge boom-boxes and turn it to some rock station. Then, turn it off and turn the volume all the way up. Then the next person to check it out will have great fun! Set all of the alarm clocks in any of the Bed & Bath stores to go off every ten minutes on the loudest setting possible. Buy the largest soda the stores have available, drink it down to the last inch, then stand behind someone while slurping up the remainding soda as loud as possible,when they tell you to stop it retort that you don't like to waste things. Men go into women's clothes stores and try on skirts, underclothes, swimsuits, etc. Ask shop assisants what they think (vise-versa for women) Bring survial gear and "live" in one of the tents in a camping shops. Scream "Help" & "We're under fire" every 5 mins. Make battle noises as well! Wear you swimming clothes and go swimming in the coin pool! Wear armbands and a rubber ring for extra effect! Start a sing along in the middle of the mall. Print lots of "Fake" money, go into the mall (second floor if available) amd throw it all away. Go into a pet shop and release all the birds, parrots etc. Screaming at the top of your voice "Be free my feathered friends" Follow someone with children around yelling "mommy I want that!" Take the money out the fountain while swimming and hand it out to people,spend it or if possible throw it from the second floor (it might hurt someone) Add strange growths to the giant lego men in the toy stores Put weird backgrounds on store computers when people aren't looking. buy a feather boa at a clothing store and hang on to the rail while waving it and screaming "Look everyone I can fly!" Stand in front of the Gap. "Fall" in repeatedly. Threaten legal action. When ever someone makes an annoncment over the loud speakers cover your ears and scream "The voices...the voices...make them stop" With a friend, speak in a different language (or make up your own) and make a seen, pointing at signs and people as if they were something shiny and new that you've never seen before. Pretend you're a tourist. Walk right on people\'s heels and when they look back at you stop and look at the celing and when they turn back around countine Annoying Things To Do During a Boring Sermon Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests. See if a yawn really is contagious. Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher. Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with A then B and so on through the alphabet. Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front. Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes. Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed. Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room. Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn. Chew gum... if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles. Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards. Try to raise one eyebrow. Crack your knuckles. Twiddle your thumbs. Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice. When the service gets long, write the time on the back of a bulletin, hold it up for the preacher to see, and up date it every five minutes. Grab the bulletin and start redesigning the church symbol. Make faces at the person on the other side of the room and see if you get other peoples attention. Produce your own light show with the overhead projector. Mouth the word "lightning" to the pastor. Say "Amen" every time the pastor says "Lord" or "Father."

Annoying People at the Bowling Alley

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Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices Wear golf shoes. Every time you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU JERKS!" Continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out. When ever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy. Explain to the owner how your game is "All sorts of messed up" due to plate tectonics, then lose him in lingo. Demand compensation. Make lewd and graphic references to your "ball". Works well on Senior Ladies night Play bocci with extra lane balls Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about plate tectonics again. Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tongues, then sit down as if nothing happened Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting. Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off. Hide behind the pins, stick your head up laughing hysterically Use a curling weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted Make your presence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours Root for the other team - bring banners. Make fun of your team - bring lettuce. Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments. Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEERIKE Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it. Rent all the lanes, don't bowl. Blatently UNderscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating. When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball and run home. If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs and blame plate tectonics. Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone. Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm. Superglue police whistles to the hand-dryers. Leave town. Walk around asking people why they are here. Do this the whole night. Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an announcement, then expound on the sins of bowling.

Name your ball something like "KILLER". Openly boast to everyone how great you are, throw like a wimp, do this all night Sit in your lane and heckle others with a bullhorn. Bring a dartgun. Be inventive. Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref. Run around sprinkling "magic fairy dust" on everyone's balls. Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night. Don't even have a entrance Fee, advertise it like crazy using every mass media known to man, make the 3rd Prize $10,000 and a Porsche, the 2nd Prize $5,000 and a trip to Europe and 1st Prize a coffee mug. Then sit back a watch the fights. Leave.

How To Annoy A Blind Date

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Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than s/he does. Drool. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down. Hold a debate. Take both sides. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. Repeat every third third word you say say. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. Order a bucket of lard. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths. Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?" Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up. Ask your date how much money they have with them. Order for your date. Order something nasty. Communicate in mime the entire evening. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs. Hum. Loudly. In monotone. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn. Auction your date off for silverware. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense). Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it. Accuse your date of espionage. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill. Quote Beavis & Butthead...escpecially in reference to how your date would like to be pleased. Listen to violent music before going out. Recite all the expletives during your meal. After kissing him/her explain that you're doing a study on the spread of mononucleosis. Shoot hoops with shrimp into his/her wine glass. Show up with make up on ninety percent of youre body...all lipstick... especially if you're male. Dominate the conversation. Every time your date opens his mouth, interrupt and start a new conversation. Belch. Rate yourself. Complain of the effects of the acid you dropped before the meal. Comment that the table would look simply marvelous with a severed head as a centerpiece. As you food arrives, mention how long it's been since you last ate raw meat. Count your contraceptives. Stroke your thigh while commenting how much you can't wait until the meal is over. Yawn. Don't cover your mouth. Roar. When the meal is done and the question arises of whether to go someplace else, politely decline saying that you have had your fill of bad taste for the night.

Ways to Annoy People At A Synagogue

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Yell out "line" when reading from the Torah Use the Jewish hat as a frisbee Take up a collection plate Take bets on when the ever lasting light will burn out Shout out "Praise Jesus" after every prayer Wear sandles and a robe and call everyone "my son" Print out sparknotes on the torah and hand them out Sing the words loud and off-tune Bring popcorn and keep saying "i heard that religion got a good review" Give a standing ovation at the end Ask people if it is easter Leave cookies and milk in the middle of the synagoguge with a peice of paper that reads santa Sell bibles Ask people if they liked the passion Tell the young jewish kids that Adam Sandleris not Jewish

How To Annoy Your Driver

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All passengers should pretend to have their own brake pedal. Always grab the dashboard or doorhandle and yell "Whoa!" Always tell the driver to slow down or speed up. As a passenger, feel free to take your shoes off and smell up the whole car. Constantly remind the driver of road conditions. Every time you see a car do something that ticks you off, ask everyone in the car with you if it is included it on the "How to drive like a Moron" webpage. Every time you see a car pulling out, yell to the driver "Watch it!" Grab the steering wheel if you feel the driver can not deal with a traffic situation. If there is a mirror on the passenger side door, it's there for the passenger. Feel free to adjust it at will. Make sure that you put your chewed bubble gum into the ashtray, unwrapped. No matter what lane the driver is in and where you are going, always tell the driver that we would be better off in the next lane. Point to the left and tell the driver to make a right. Point to the right and tell the driver to make a left. When at a traffic light, inform the driver the millisecond the light turns green. When being picked up as a passenger, bring a messy powdered sugar donut and a large uncovered cup of coffee. Then, complain whenever the driver hits a bump in the road. When directing the driver to make a left turn, tell him to make a "You-turn". When directing the driver to make right turn, tell him to make a "Me-turn". When giving directions, tell the driver to turn after you pass the intersection. When giving the driver directions, always mean to say one thing and tell the driver another. Then when the driver gets confused and passes a turn, yell. When in the middle lane in heavy traffic, tell the driver that you really need to be in the right lane. Then when you finally cut another car off to be in the right lane, tell the driver you made a mistake and that this lane is going to end. When riding with other passengers, always jump in the front passenger seat and yell "Shotgun!" When traveling straight, tell the driver to get into the left lane. A lane that suddenly becomes a "left-lanemust-turn-left". Whenever possible, adjust all the dashboard controls, including the radio, heat, and fan. Whenever the driver parks, get out and inspect whether or not the car is properly parked within the lines.