The trouble with too much time is that I actually have time to do something which I have been avoidingwriting.

I dont know why, but I simply cannot muster the enthusiasm to write on some days. Perhaps it is because I have been writing all weekend? I actually think that caffeine lowers my drive to do anything except work, and after I take one of those pills I often succumb to dreariness because I possess no desire to do anything. That is my current predicament. The muted roar of the wind broke the silence of the still bedroom, a pulsating, primitive sound that reminded him of the world outside. Eventually, I will have to leave. But, he decided, not yet. He couldnt stand the idea of venturing out amongst those creatures called people, much less interacting with them. You could say Luke was introverted, but you wouldnt be quite correct. He did spend much of his time alone, pursued hobbies that were rather eccentric to the outside world (he constantly pored over scientific and religious media), and was rather cynical about other humans in general. Thus far, life had not afforded him a friendship that he valued: shortly after meeting a new face, he would become intensely bored and have no more motivation to enjoy their company. Days upon weeks upon years of this monotony, I thought to myself as I stared across the rain-drenched skyscrapers. I no longer wish to endure. A knock at the door took me by surpriseI froze in alarm as a small voice asked Luke?... You done with that physics homework? I heaved a silent sigh of reliefI didnt even know what I had been afraid of. Of course Mary, just grab it off my desk there. She smiled in reply, and I attempted to return one. She left quickly, without so much as a courteous inquest after my welfare. Well, thats college kids for you. No, that wasnt true. Not everyone acted like that, at least not around each other. To me, however I turned back to the window. The dim yellow lights cast vague shadows on the packed streets outside, each car causing a shift in the landscape. Memories forced themselves upon meI saw the empty lunch tables around me, the silent library, the empty bedroom, the piles of booksthings I both cherished and despised. Cherished because I felt at home in solitude, in the glorious stillness of reading, adventuring, dreaming about other worlds, other people, other minds, yet despised because of the impression people took from meI was just another book in the library to be picked up and discarded once they were done with me. Nothing ever changes It had been that way in high school as well. Fair weather friend, ha. More like the bad-weather backup. By storm one way, by sunshine another My phones rarely used notification sound shot through my reverie. With more than a little annoyance, I glanced at the screen to see yet another invitation from Veronica, hoping I was available for lunch. Dont you mean another listen-while-I-whine-for-an-hour session? God that girl has issues! If some of my friends were guilty of using me as a purely academic resource, others seemed to think I was an on-call therapist. My mind flipped back to yesterday at dinner, when she had incessantly complained about how everybody wants to get in my pants! Cant I simply be friends with a guy? I had replied Maybe you are giving the wrong signals? In my mind: Because you are a fucking tease who gets pleasure from leading guys on, bitch.

Never! Sure we hang out quite often and I let him kiss me on the cheek, but that does not mean I am interested in him. She glared at me with a slight frown, as if expressing a deep disapproval for doing anything but passively agreeing with her ranting. How the fuck do I get into these situations? My gaze refocused on the cloudy horizon before me, broken in parts by the rivulets of rain water running down my window. I knew very well how it happenedI meet girls, attempt to get to know them to determine if they are potentially more than a friend, and then slowly edge them out of my life once I (yet again) discover they are inherently boring. Yet that brief moment when I care about their trivial struggles in academics or relationships seems to make a deep impression on these beautiful girls I am initially attracted to. Sensing I might have some weakness for their vapidity, they persist with discussing their angst-ridden tales of heartbreak and social misery (He didnt even text me after our date! Maybe he thought I was boring?). Yes, I thought, it is time for a change. But how? I couldnt very well pack up and go home; I no longer had one after my parents left my hometown. Besides, if I went to go live with them in Denver, what would I do there? Live out my days as a mooching misanthrope, cursing the world for its stupidity? I cant imagine Father being too happy with that, and the idea gave me a grim smile. No, I cannot leave school. The alternative to dropping out, of course, would be to endure. Or a hazy outline of a plan traced itself on the landscape before me, each step of the way marked by a brilliant intersection, surrounded by an encroaching darkness. I saw a car, darting to and fro each oasis of light, temporarily basking in the glow of the streetlights before darting through the darkness. Eventually, it passed over the horizon. There is my answer. I knew I had to strive for something, search for some purpose to my education beyond what was immediately before me. The answer lay somewhere beyond that distant horizon, and I was determined to reach it. No longer will I endure, but move purposefully towards purpose. I had not chosen college on a whimI came because I needed the training and tools it offered to achieve one of my deepest, greatest desires: the worlds appreciation for my abilities and visions. If I forgot the dream that had led me here, fell from the upward path to greatnessI would be letting apathy get the best of me. Never. Did I truly need to find a relationship to give my life meaning? Did I need friendship to sustain my enthusiasm and passion for learning? Had I ever let cultural and social inanity stop me from achieving my goals? No. I will not fail to make my dream, --my hope, my futurea reality. With this resolution to press on, I promptly turned away from my window and fell into bed. For now, I could only live my dreams whilst asleep.