What is Assertiveness?

Certain pattern of behavior or a style of

communication
Communicating our thoughts, feelings

and beliefs in an open and honest

manner without violating the rights of the
other people
What is assertiveness?

The middle ground between being a

bully and a doormat
Assertiveness is…

 Being direct and appropriately

expressive
 Standing up for yourself: stating
your opinions, feelings and thoughts
without blaming the other person
 Respectful: of others’ opinions,
feelings and thoughts
Assertiveness is NOT…

 A guaranteed way to win every

argument
 A guaranteed way to get what you want
 A way to get others to feel like you feel
or think like you think
 Telling everybody everything all the
time
Aggression is…
 Standing up for yourself but violating
the rights of someone else.
 Attacking the person instead of the
problem
 Likely to establish a pattern of fear
and avoidance of the aggressor
Non-assertive/passive behavior
is…
 Failing to stand up for yourself
 Avoiding the problem
 Likely to establish a pattern of others
taking advantage of you
Getting Ready to be Assertive

 Thoughts and feelings are not right or

wrong
 FACTS are correct or incorrect, but
thoughts are just thoughts
 Feelings are not logical, so are not
right or wrong
3 parts to assertive
communication
1. empathy/validation: “I know you’re
stressed by trying to be on time…”
2.statement of problem: “but when
you follow me around I get flustered…”
3.request: “from now on can we agree
what time we need to leave by and if
you’re ready first, give me some
space…?”
What is Assertiveness? (cont.)
 It is an alternative to being either
aggressive, where we abuse other people’s
rights, or to being passive where we abuse
our own rights.
 Being assertive we means we are able to
ask for what we want from others; it means
we can say ‘no’ to the requests of others; it
means we can express a range and depth
of emotion or we can express personal
opinions without feeling self conscious.
Why are we unassertive?
 We act in an unassertive manner
because we have learned through
our experiences to behave that way.
 Small babies have no fear of
expressing themselves….
The effect of being unassertive
 Growing loss of self-esteem
 Weaken positive sense of identity
 Feeling of lack of sense of purpose or
feeling that we are not in control which
leads to negative feelings and symptoms of
stress
 Failing to express ourselves openly leads to
internal tension, also resulting physical and
mental symptoms of stress
 Leads to unhealthy relationships
Why be more assertive?
 Improve our sense of identity, our
confidence and our self-esteem
 A snowball effect is created; the more
confident we feel, the more assertive
we are and so on
 By stating more clearly what our
needs are we increase the chances
that these needs will be met
Why be more assertive? (cont..)
 Being assertive leads to a saving in
energy and a reduction in tension. We
are no longer preoccupied with
avoiding upsetting others, and no
longer overly concerned with making
gains in an aggressive way
 People who are generally assertive
are confident people who are simply
happy to be themselves
 Understand the theory and
underlying principles of the
approach

Recognize passive,
aggressive and
assertive styles of
communicating in
yourself and others

Transfer the newly Identify specific situations

learned skill back to the where you need to be more
real world assertive

Practice assertive skills:

Prepare, role play and
rehearse
 Passive behavior:
 Rambling; letting things slide without comment
 Beating about the bush-not saying what you mean
 Being unclear; averting gaze
 Apologizing inappropriately in a soft, unsteady voice
 Posture-backing off from others, slouching shoulders
 Wringing hands; winking or laughing when expressing
anger
 Covering mouth with hands
 Using phrases such as “..if it wouldn’t be too much
trouble” “…but do whatever you want”, “I…
er..um..would like…um…you…er…to do…”
Aggressive behavior:
 Intruding into other’s space
 Staring the other person out
 Strident, sarcastic or condescending voice
 Parental body gestures (e.g. finger
pointing)
 Threats (eg. “you would better watch
out….”)
 Put downs (eg. “don’t be so stupid”)
 Evaluative comments (ie. Emphasizing
concepts like “should”, “bad”, “ought”)
 Racist remarks
Assertive behavior:
 Receptive listening
 Firm, relaxed voice
 Direct eye contact
 Erect, balanced, open body stance
 Voice appropriately loud for the situation
 “I” statements
 Cooperative phrases (“what are your
thoughts on this?)
 Emphatic statements of interest (“I would
like to… “
How to be effectively
assertive…
 Use assertive body language
 Face the other person, stand or sit
straight
 Pleasant, serious facial expression
 Voice calm and soft, not whiny
How to…
 “I statements”
 Take responsibility for your own feelings
 Removes right and wrong from the
conversation
 Avoid “you make me feel…”
statements
 Gives over control to others
 Blames others for what is going on inside
you
“You” statements

 Often means you are volunteering to

be a victim, or blaming someone else
 Blame often leads to arguing about
who’s thoughts and feelings are right
 Your feelings are neither right nor wrong
 Other’s feelings are neither right nor
wrong
Use facts, not judgments:
“Did you know that your shirt has
some spots on it?”

not

“You’re not going out like that, are

you?”
Own your thoughts and feelings
“I get angry when he breaks his
promises.”

not

“He makes me so angry.”

Six Assertiveness Skills

1. Being specific: Decide what is it you want or

feel, and say so specifically or directly. Avoid
unnecessarily padding and keep your statement simple
and brief
2. Repetition (broken record
technique): This skill involves preparing what you
are going to say and repeating it exactly as often as
necessary, in a calm relaxed manner. Using this
technique, you can relax because you know what you
are going to say and you can maintain a steady
comment, avoiding irrelevant logic or argumentative
bait
Six Assertiveness Skills…(cont..)

 Workable compromise: Assertiveness is not

about winning, so you need to negotiate from an equal
position. Compromising on a solution to a difficult
situation need not compromise our self-respect
 Self disclosure: This skills allow you to disclose
your feeling with a simple statement, for example, “I
feel nervous” or “I feel guilty”. The immediate effect is
to reduce your anxiety, enabling you to relax and take
charge of yourself and your feeling
Six Assertiveness Skills…(cont..)

 Negative assertion: This skills involves calmly

agreeing with someone else’s true criticism of your
negative qualities and accepting that you have faults.
The key to using negative assertion is, of course, self-
confidence and a belief that you have the ability to
change yourself if you so wish
 Negative inquiry: This skills involve actively
prompting criticism is constructive, or to expose it as
manipulative and hurtful. For example, “you’ll find that
difficult won’t you, because you are so shy?”. You reply
“In what ways do you think I am shy?”
Saying “NO”
 Common myths:
 Saying ‘no’ is callous, uncaring, mean, and selfish
 Saying ‘no’ directly is rude and aggressive, too abrupt
and blunt
 Saying ‘no’ will hurt and upset others, making them feel
rejected
 Saying ’no’ over little things show small-mindedness or
pettiness
Points to remember while saying
‘NO’:
 When you are saying ‘no’, you are refusing
a request, not rejecting a person.
 When making a refusal, try accepting full
responsibility for doing so. Don’t blame or
pass the buck.
 Saying ‘no’ without excessive apology or
excuse does not mean saying ‘no’ without
an explanation. But ask yourself whether
you are explaining because of our own
anxiety rather than for the sake of the
other person.
Points to remember while saying
‘NO’:…
 You are probably overestimating the
difficulty the other person will have in
accepting your refusal.
 If you wanted to say ‘no’, but end up
saying ‘yes’, it can show….
 Acknowledge your feelings. A simple
statement like, “I find it difficult”, allows
you to express your feelings honestly.
 If you are having difficulty in saying ‘no’,
use the “broken record technique”
Thank you….