Communication Styles:

Passive, Assertive, Aggressive

Basics of Effective Communication

It matters not so much what you say as it •

.does how you say it
Your communication style is a SET of •
various behaviors and methods of relaying
.information that impact all facets of life
The goal should always be to understand – •
.not to be right
-: Assertive Communication

?What are assertive skills •

When we refer to the word assertive, we mean the •
ability to stand up and be sure of what you’re thinking
or saying with confidence. It can also be defined as
.being self-assured and confident

Assertive skills are usually used in a positive way to •

bring forward your ideas or thinking whilst staying
calm and avoiding being aggressive. Learning good
assertive skills is also an effective way to promote your
social and communication skills and self-esteem
-: Assertive Communication
 Being assertive
• Controlled: You are "tracking" the other
person and modulate yourself if necessary
• occurs when a person
attempts to conform another
person to their own needs or
desires through some form of
manipulation
-: Assertive Communication

• The way in which we communicate determines the reaction and

treatment we receive from others. Assertive communication is
commonly misperceived as being harsh and aggressive.
• However, it is the most effective style of communication for any
healthy relationship.
• Assertiveness allows us to gently execute our rights, and express
our feelings, needs and ideas, with the intent to help others gain
understanding.
• You may not always receive the outcome you want from
asserting yourself, but you will gain respect from others; and also
avoid the stress that comes along with aggressive and passive
communication styles
step guide to help you practice assertion 3
-: daily

• 1. Observe every situation objectively. Pay

attention to what you hear and see so that
you are able to introduce FACTS without
passing judgment or making assumptions.
This prevents you from attacking or
insulting the person you are conveying a
message to. Example: “I noticed that the
trash from the weekend is still in the
kitchen
step guide to help you practice assertion 3
-: daily
• 2. Don’t mix feelings and facts. Be mindful of your
feelings so that you reduce your chances of reacting
negatively. When letting someone know that their
behavior has impacted you, stay away from blame
language that begins with “you make me feel,”
instead use I-statements. Example: “When I wake up
and notice that last night’s trash is still there, I feel
upset.” Utilizing I-statements when communicating
will prevent defensiveness for the person who is
receiving the message, while also stopping you from
expressing possible irritation with this person
step guide to help you practice assertion 3
-: daily
• 3. Make a practical request. This shows respect and
fairness amongst you and the other party. Be
precise and realistic in stating what you want, and
leave out information about what you don’t want.
Do not make requests based on emotions, beliefs or
attitudes. Aim for behavioral modifications for all
parties, instead. Example: “I would like if we could
establish a schedule or an agreement concerning
daily household chores.” Including yourself in the
solution helps the receiver feel supported and
results in a more positive response
-: Assertive Communication

FACT ==> FEELING ==> WANT

Remember , assertive communication = effective communication

-: Assertive Communication

• . The basic mindset of an assertive leader is to

think win-win – to keep a strong value for
yourself and your needs, but also be mindful
and work with the needs of others. if you
simply ride roughshod over other people’s
interests you will destroy trust and erode
support. remember compliance in not the
same as commitment. A leader who thinks that
a team simply ‘doing what it is told’ is
performing at its peak is deluding themselves
-: Assertive Communication

• Win-win (Covey 1987) means looking to strongly

but fairly assert what is needed to enable the
project to succeed – to keep tasks on track and
accurate, to keep the team dynamics effective, and
to keep individuals developing and performing to
potential. of course in the real world many things
can compromise this success – money , resources,
climate, luck. what you do not need is for
manageable things – like your own behaviour as a
leader, or the behaviour of others in the team, to
get in the way on top of this
-: Assertive Communication

• Assertiveness (Smith, 1975) enables you to

• access a range of behaviours in
• the green win/win areas of
• behaviour to influence others
• (Coppin and Barratt, 2002).
• You can show low level assertion by simply giving
clear information or instructions. You can you higher
level of assertion by giving
-: Assertive Communication

The trick is to avoid the Aggressive and •

Passive behaviours yourself and in your
team’s behaviour. This will not be achieved
100%, but aim to operate in the
Assertive/Responsive boxes most of the
time. I describe these effective win/win
.”behaviours as “Above the Line Behaviour
-: Assertive Communication

Assertive behaviour is consistent with systems •

thinking. It gives colleagues clear inputs and
feedback to allow them to make decisions
about how to operate. If we have clear values
that are consistent with the purpose of our
team and a win/win mentality, we can use
assertiveness to encourage people to work
effectively with us and together with colleagues
.(Kouzes and Posner, 1995)
 ?Which is the Best Style
• All styles have their proper place and use.

• Assertive communication is the healthiest.

• Boundaries of all parties are respected.
• Easier to problem-solve; fewer emotional outbursts.
• It requires skills and a philosophy change, as well as lots of
practice and hard work.
• When both parties do it, no one is hurt in any way and all
parties win on some level.
 Assertive Communication

• Protecting your own rights without violating the rights

of others.
• The goal of the assertive person is to communicate with
respect and to understand each other; to find a solution
to the problem.
• Takes a risk with others in the short run, but in the long
run relationships are much stronger.
• Eye contact maintained; listens and validates others;
confident and strong, yet also flexible; objective and
unemotional; presents wishes clearly and respectfully.
 ASSERTIVENESS
• Assertiveness is the
ability to
communicate your
needs, feelings,
opinions, and
beliefs in an open
and honest manner
without violating
the rights of others
 What is assertiveness
 Direct, open & honest communication
with others
 Asking for what you want & saying “no” to
what you don’t want
 Not negating, attacking or manipulating
others
 Respecting the dignity of other people
 Standing up for yourself & your rights
without apologising or feeling guilty
 Taking responsibility for your own needs
 “Energy”
Examples of Assertive Communication

”. . . .So what you’re saying is“ •

I can see that this is important to you, and“ •
it is also important to me. Perhaps we can
talk more respectfully and try to solve the
”.problem
”. . . .I think. . . I feel. . . I believe that“ •
”. . .I would appreciate it if you“ •
 Passive Communication

Allowing our own rights to be violated by •

.failing to express our honest feelings
The goal of being a passive communicator •
.is to avoid conflict no matter what
.Little risk involved – very safe •
Little eye contact, often defers to others’ •
opinions, usually quiet tone, may suddenly
.explode after being passive too long
 Aggressive Communication

Protecting one’s own rights at the expense of •

.others’ rights – no exceptions
The goal of the aggressor is to win at all costs; to •
.be right
Does not consider actions a risk because this •
person thinks they will always get their way. It is
.risky in terms of relationships, however
Eye contact is angry and intimidating; lots of •
energy; loud and belittling; never defers to others,
or at least does not admit to; manipulative and
.controlling. Often uses violence or verbal abuse
 Examples of Aggressive Examples of Passive
Communication Communication

I don’t know why you can’t • •

”.I don’t know
see that this is the right
”.Whatever you think“ •
”.way to do it
You have more“ •
It’s going to be my way“ •
experience than I. You
”.or not at all
”.decide
You’re just stupid if you“ •
I’ll go with whatever the“ •
”.think that will work
”.group decides
That kind of logic will “ •
I don’t care. It doesn’t“ •
”.sink the company
”.matter to me
Who cares what you feel.“ •
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,“ •
We’re talking about ”!yes. . . NO
”.making things work here
Passive, Aggressive, Assertive
Passive

Passive/Aggressive

Aggressive

Assertive
 It’s all about respect

Passive Assertive Aggressive

No Respect Respect for No Respect

for Self Self & Others for Others
 Communication Styles

Passive Assertive Aggressive

Can’t speak up Firm Loud
Don’t know my rights Direct Bossy
Get stepped on Honest Pushy
Meek Respect rights of Dominating
Too accommodating others Intimidating
Recognize the Violate others’ rights
Talks softly importance of having using power, position
Gives “cold fish” my needs & rights & language
handshakes respected
Must get my way
Don’t stand up for Confident
my rights React instantly
Realize I have choices
Avoid conflicts Don’t care where or
Effective communicator when I “blast”
People take Can express my needs someone
advantage of me
Make good eye contact Can be abusive
Trouble saying “no,”
then I’m angry and Speak with firm voice Vise-like handshake
resentful I like to get even
 WHAT WILL IT DO
HELPS YOU BECOME .1
SELF-CONFIDENT
INCREASES SELF- .2
ESTEEM
GAIN RESPECT OF .3
OTHERS
IMPROVE .4
COMMUNICATION
SKILLS
IMPROVE DECISION- .5
MAKING ABILITY
 HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE
BE HONEST AND DIRECT ABOUT YOUR .1
.FEELINGS, NEEDS, BELIEFS
EXPRESS YOURSELF FIRMLY AND DIRECTLY .2
.TO SPECIFIC INDIVIDUALS
BE REASONABLE IN YOUR REQUESTS .3
 HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE
STATE YOUR VIEWPOINT WITHOUT BEING .4
.HESITANT OR APOLOGETIC
BE HONEST WHEN GIVING OR RECEIVING .5
.FEEDBACK
LEARN TO SAY “NO” TO UNREASONABLE .6
.EXPECTATIONS
PARAPHRASE WHAT OTHERS HAVE STATED TO .7
.YOU
 HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE
REGOGNIZE AND RESPECT THE RIGHTS OF THOSE .8
.AROUND YOU
.USE APPROPRIATE TONE OF VOICE .9
BE AWARE OF BODY POSTURE/LANGUAGE .10
.MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT .11
USE “I” STATEMENTS TO EXPRESS SELF .12
 HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE
DON’T LET .13
OTHERS IMPOSE
THEIR
VALUES/IDEAS ON
YOU
ENCOURAGE .14
OTHERS TO BE
CLEAR AND
DIRECT
TAKE OWNERSHIP .15
 How to Encourage More Assertiveness from Your Team

 As leaders, we all need team members who are

assertive. If your team isn't speaking up, learn how to
encourage more input and feedback that's constructive
and effective
 Simple advice to get the most out of
assertive and non-assertive team members.

 Many founders score highly on

assertiveness. It’s one of the things that
make entrepreneurs exciting to be around.
 Their confidence is so inspiring that we find
ourselves asking, ‘What if they’re right?
 How to Encourage More Assertiveness from Your Team

 The Dark Side of Assertiveness

The ability to defend your ideas is very
useful . . . when your ideas are right. The
problem in business is that none of us
knows for sure whether we’re right or not.
This is why an open mind, and the
challenging of ideas, is essential, especially
if you’re building something new.

 When you present your ideas assertively,

it’s not always clear that you want to be
challenged or that you’re open to new
 How to Encourage More Assertiveness from Your Team

 Assertiveness can come off as

defensiveness, and if you stray into
defensiveness — even if you are
genuinely open-minded — you can find
yourself surrounded by silence.

 Once your team starts holding back their

thoughts, your assertive-self will fill the
space with more ideas. Soon, your ideas
become instructions. And finally, the
inevitable happens — one of your ideas
turns out to be completely wrong.
 How to Encourage More Assertiveness from Your Team

 ‘We tried to tell you,’ the team says, with a

pinch of resentment.

 ‘I was just making suggestions,’ you reply —

not realising that an assertively-said
suggestion sounds like a command. ‘These
results are your responsibility.’

 You walk away wondering why your team

isn’t speaking up. But before you conclude
that you hired the wrong people, take a look
in the mirror. They might think the problem
lies with you
 How to Encourage More Assertiveness from Your Team

 The Assertive Sweet Spot

 Researchers at Columbia University
quantified the problem of too much
assertiveness years ago. In their paper,
‘What Breaks a Leader: The Curvilinear
Relation Between Assertiveness and
Leadership’, Daniel Ames and Francis
Flynn found that increased assertiveness
correlates with increased short-term
achievement . . . but it comes with a
social cost. If you’re too assertive, you
become ‘socially-insufferable’
 How to Encourage More Assertiveness from Your Team

Every strength has its weakness. And when it comes to assertiveness, you need to find
.the sweet spot
 How to Encourage More Assertiveness from Your Team

 ’ How to Get Your Team to Speak Up

 In The Five Keys to a Successful Google Team, Julia
Rozovsky describes how psychological safety — when
team members feel safe to take risks and be
vulnerable — is positively related not only to
harnessing ideas, but also to increasing revenue.

 If you want to encourage your team to come up with

their own ideas and debate them openly, the more
assertive members need to curb their defensive
tendencies.

 Which camp do you fall into? Are you more assertive

or less assertive? Here are some pointers for both
groups, to help rebalance the conversation and
uncover better ideas
 For the Highly-Assertive

1) Adopt the question reflex. When you feel someone is wrong or

doesn’t understand, get curious and start by asking questions. Think of
this as ‘assertive listening’, where you commit to hearing what others
have to say.

2) Aim for balance. If you’re committed to debating ideas, you need to

let everyone speak. Pay attention to who is hogging the conversation
and try to involve the people who haven’t spoken up. Round robins —
going around the room one-by-one — are a surprisingly effective way to
ensure everyone has a fair chance to contribute.

3) Avoid generalisation. I’ve noticed that assertive people tend to make

more generalisations than less assertive people. However, it’s hard to
argue with a generalisation. If you catch yourself making a sweeping
statement, pause and think. How can you get back to the specific issue?
 :For the Less-Assertive

 ’Over-prepare. I’m not a natural public speaker, but practising a speech really )1
helps me build confidence. Ask yourself, ‘How can I best communicate my point
of view?’ Can you collect data or undertake some research? In most cases, power
.tends to gravitate to the best-informed

Learn some facilitation techniques. Professional facilitators are adept at )2

managing unbalanced conversations. Here are some useful phrases to help you
:chime in

. . . I think I hear you saying

. . . I can see this is important to you
. . . We haven’t heard from Lucy yet
. . . So far, we’ve agreed
. This is a good discussion, but
.
Be vulnerable. In an environment that’s hostile to ideas and opinions, )3
emotions can be powerful — after all, your feelings are very hard to argue with. A
vulnerable statement like, ‘I’m feeling anxious because X’, or, ‘I’m scared that Y’
.can have a dramatic effect on the conversation
 Strong Opinions Weakly Held

 ’ Paul Saffo came up with the phrase ‘strong

opinions weakly held’ to underline the importance
of proving your own ideas wrong in pursuit of the
truth. While many of us agree with the concept, the
‘weakly held’ part usually isn’t obvious to other
people.

 If you lead people and self-identify as assertive, you

may not be aware of how others perceive you. To
find out, ask some questions, such as, on a scale of
0 to 10:

 How easy am I to argue with?

 How open am I to other people’s ideas?
 How good am I at listening to your ideas
When Aggression is Appropriate

In an emergency •
When there is not time to spend on a •
.compromise
When your opinion is based on several •
facts, you therefore KNOW you are right,
and there is not time to utilize
.assertiveness skills
 When Passivity is Appropriate

When the results of pushing the issue would •

.cause problems that outweigh the benefits
.When issues are minor •
When there is a power differential that is not •
in your favor and the other party is getting
.agitated by your assertiveness
When the other individual’s position is •
.impossible to change. (E.g., the law)
 Assertiveness Skills
Know your rights •
Say no and not feel guilty –
Change your mind about anything –
Take your time to form a response to a comment or question –
Ask for assistance with instructions or directions –
Ask for what you want –
Experience and express your feelings –
Feel positive about yourself under any conditions –
Make mistakes without feeling embarrassed or guilty –
Own your opinions and convictions –
Protest unfair treatment or criticism –
Be recognized for your significant achievements and –
contributions
From Davis, Eshelmann, and McKay (1988)
Assertiveness Skills
Know your rights 
Learn to say no •
Learn to use “I” statements •
Use eye contact •
Use assertive body language •
Avoid manipulation •
Be aware of these strategies –
Intimidation •
Content substitution •
Personal attacks (character assassination) •
•