ASSERTIVENESS

By: Najma Gulab

 DEFINITION

• Assertiveness is a skill regularly referred to in social and communication skills

training.
• Being assertive means being able to stand up for your own or other people’s rights
in a calm and positive way, without being either aggressive, or passively accepting
‘wrong’.
• Assertive individuals are able to get their point across without upsetting others, or
becoming upset themselves.
• Although everyone acts in passive and aggressive ways from time to time, such
ways of responding often result from a lack of self-confidence and are, therefore,
inappropriate ways of interacting with others.
 CONT.

• Assertiveness means standing up for your personal rights - expressing thoughts, feelings and
beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways.
• In all your interactions with other people, whether at home or at work, with employers,
customers or colleagues, assertiveness can help you to express yourself in a clear, open and
reasonable way, without undermining your own or others’ rights.
• Assertiveness enables individuals to act in their own best interests, to stand up for themselves
without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings comfortably and to express personal rights
without denying the rights of others.
• Passive, Aggressive and Assertive
• Assertiveness is often seen as the balance point between passive and aggressive behavior, but
it’s probably easier to think of the three as points of a triangle.
 BEING ASSERTIVE

• Being assertive involves taking into consideration your own and other
people’s rights, wishes, wants, needs and desires.
• Assertiveness means encouraging others to be open and honest about their
views, wishes and feelings, so that both parties act appropriately.
 CONT.

• Assertive behavior includes:

i. Being open in expressing wishes, thoughts and feelings and encouraging others to do
likewise.
ii. Listening to the views of others and responding appropriately, whether in agreement with
those views or not.
iii. Accepting responsibilities and being able to delegate to others.
iv. Regularly expressing appreciation of others for what they have done or are doing.
v. Being able to admit to mistakes and apologize.
vi. Maintaining self-control. See our page on Self-Control for more.
vii. Behaving as an equal to others.
 BEING PASSIVE

• Responding in a passive or non-assertive way tends to mean compliance with

the wishes of others and can undermine individual rights and self-confidence.
• Many people adopt a passive response because they have a strong need to
be liked by others. Such people do not regard themselves as equals because
they place greater weight on the rights, wishes and feelings of others.
• Being passive results in failure to communicate thoughts or feelings and
results in people doing things they really do not want to do in the hope that
they might please others. This also means that they allow others to take
responsibility, to lead and make decisions for them.
 CONT.

• A classic passive response is offered by those who say 'yes' to requests when they
actually want to say 'no'.
• For example:
• “Do you think you can find the time to wash the car today?”
• A typical passive reply might be:
• “Yes, I'll do it after I've done the shopping, made an important telephone call,
finished the filing, cleaned the windows and made lunch for the kids!”
• A far more appropriate response would have been:
• “No, I can't do it today as I've got lots of other things I need to do.”
 ASSERTIVENESS IS EQUALLY IMPORTANT AT
WORK AS AT HOME.

• If you become known as a person who cannot say no, you will be loaded up
with tasks by your colleagues and managers, and you could even make
yourself ill.
• When you respond passively, you present yourself in a less positive light or
put yourself down in some way. If you constantly belittle yourself in this way,
you will come to feel inferior to others.
• While the underlying causes of passive behavior are often poor self-
confidence and self-esteem, in itself it can further reduce feelings of self-
worth, creating a vicious circle.
 BEING AGGRESSIVE

• By being aggressive towards someone else, their rights and self-esteem are
undermined.
• Aggressive behavior fails to consider the feelings of other individuals. Those
behaving aggressively will rarely show praise or appreciation of others and an
aggressive response tends to put others down.
• Aggressive responses encourage the other person to respond in a non-assertive
way, either aggressively or passively.
• There is a wide range of aggressive behaviours, including rushing someone
unnecessarily, telling rather than asking, ignoring someone, or not considering
another's feelings.
 CONT.

• Good interpersonal skills mean you need to be aware of the different ways of
communicating and the different response each approach might provoke.
• The use of either passive or aggressive behavior in interpersonal relationships can have
undesirable consequences for those you are communicating with and it may well hinder
positive moves forward.
• It can be a frightening or distressing experience to be spoken to aggressively and the
receiver can be left wondering what instigated such behavior or what he or she has done to
deserve the aggression.
• If thoughts and feelings are not stated clearly, this can lead to individuals manipulating
others into meeting their wishes and desires. Manipulation can be seen as a covert form of
aggression whilst humor can also be used aggressively.
 HOW TO BECOME MORE ASSERTIVE

• It's not always easy to become more assertive, but it is possible. So, if your
disposition or workplace tends to be more passive or aggressive than assertive, then
it's a good idea to work on the following areas to help you to get the balance right:
1. Value Yourself and Your Rights
To be more assertive, you need to gain a good understanding of yourself, as well as a strong
belief in your inherent value and your value to your organization and team.

2. Voice Your Needs and Wants Confidently

If you're going to perform to your full potential then you need to make sure that your
priorities – your needs and wants – are met.
Don't wait for someone else to recognize what you need. You might wait forever! Take the
initiative and start to identify the things that you want now. Then, set goals so that you can
achieve them.
 CONT.

3. Acknowledge That You Can't Control Other People's Behavior

Don't make the mistake of accepting responsibility for how people react to your
assertiveness. If they, for example, act angry or resentful toward you, try to avoid
reacting to them in the same way.
Remember that you can only control yourself and your own behavior, so do your
best to stay calm and measured if things get tense. As long as you are being
respectful and not violating someone else's needs, then you have the right to say or
do what you want.
 CONT.

4. Express Yourself in a Positive Way

• It's important to say what's on your mind, even when you have a difficult or
negative issue to deal with. But you must do it constructively and sensitively.
• Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and to confront people who challenge you
and/or your rights. You can even allow yourself to be angry! But remember to
control your emotions and to stay respectful at all times.

5. Be Open to Criticism and Compliments

• Accept both positive and negative feedback graciously, humbly and positively.
 CONT.

6. Learn to Say "No“

• Saying "No” is hard to do, especially when you're not used to doing it, but it's vital
if you want to become more assertive.

7. Use Assertive Communication Techniques

• There are a number of simple but effective communication techniques that you
can use to become more assertive. These are:
• Use "I" Statements
• Use "I want", "I need" or "I feel" to convey basic assertions and get your point
across firmly. For example, "I feel strongly that we need to bring in a third party to
mediate this disagreement."
 EMPATHY

• Always try to recognize and understand how the other person views the
situation. Then, after taking her point of view into consideration, express
what you need from her.
• For example, "I understand that you're having trouble working with Arlene,
but this project needs to be completed by Friday. Let's all sit down and come
up with a plan together."
 ESCALATION

• If your first attempts at asserting yourself have been unsuccessful, then you
may need to escalate the matter further. This means becoming firmer
(though still polite and respectful) with the person who you are requesting
help from, and may end in you telling him what you will do next if you still
aren't satisfied.
• For example, "John, this is the third time this week I've had to speak to you
about arriving late. If you're late once more this month, I will activate the
disciplinary process."
 ASK FOR MORE TIME

• Sometimes, it's best not to say anything. You might be too emotional or you
might not know what it is that you want yet.
• If this is the case, be honest and tell the person that you need a few minutes
to compose your thoughts. For example, you might say "Dave, your request
has caught me off guard. I'll get back to you within the half hour."
 CHANGE YOUR VERBS

• Try using verbs that are more definite and emphatic when you communicate. This will help you to
send a clear message and avoid "sugar-coating" your message so much that people are left
confused by what it is that you want from them.
• To do this, use verbs like "will" instead of "could" or "should," "want" instead of "need," or
"choose to" instead of "have to."
• For example:
• "I will be going on vacation next week, so I will need someone to cover my workload."
• "I want to go on this training course because I believe that it will help me to progress in my role
and my career."
• "I choose this option because I think it will prove to be more successful than the other options on
the table."
 BE A BROKEN RECORD
• Prepare the message that you want to convey ahead of time.
• If, for instance, you can't take on any more work, be direct and say, "I cannot take on any
more projects right now." If people still don't get the message, then keep restating your
message using the same language, and don't relent. Eventually they will likely realize that you
really mean what you're saying.
• For example:
• "I'd like you to work on the Clancy project."
• "I cannot take on any more projects right now."
• "I'll pay extra for you to do it."
• "I cannot take on any more projects right now."
• "Seriously, this is really important. My boss insists that this gets done."
• "I cannot take on any more projects right now."
• "Will you do it as a personal favor?"
• "I'm sorry, I value our relationship but I simply cannot take on any more projects right now."
 TIP

• Be careful with the broken record technique. If you use it to protect yourself
from exploitation, that's good. But if you use it to bully someone into taking
action that's against their interests, it can be manipulative and dishonest.
 SCRIPTING

• It can often be hard to know how to put your feelings across clearly and
confidently to someone when you need to assert yourself. The scripting
technique can help here. It allows you to prepare what you want to say in
advance, using a four-pronged approach that describes:
1. The event. Tell the other person exactly how you see the situation or
problem.
• "Janine, the production costs this month are 23 percent higher than average.
You didn't give me any indication of this, which meant that I was completely
surprised by the news."
2. Your feelings. Describe how you feel about the situation and express your
emotions clearly.
• "This frustrates me, and makes me feel like you don't understand or
appreciate how important financial controls are in the company."
3. Your needs. Tell the other person exactly what you need from her so that she
doesn't have to guess.
• "I need you to be honest with me, and let me know when we start going
significantly over budget on anything."
4. The consequences. Describe the positive impact that your request will have
for the other person or the company if your needs are met successfully.
• "If you do this we will be in a good position to hit our targets and may get a
better end-of-year bonus.