Barbara cosson swinburne tweddle fathers stories of exclusion 2012 (id 1930)

Volume 18, Issue 2–3, December 2012 JOURNAL OF FAMILY STUDIES 121
Copyright © eContent Management Pty Ltd. Journal of Family Studies (2012) 18(2–3): 121–129.
‘I felt like a third wheel’: Fathers’ stories of exclusion
from the ‘parenting team’
BARBARA COSSON PHD1
AND ELINOR GRAHAM+
The Swinburne Institute, Swinburne University of Technology, Melbourne, VIC, Australia;
+
Market Researcher, Melbourne, VIC, Australia
Abstract: This research reports on the perceptions of 27 fathers involved in five focus groups which were conducted in
late 2009 on behalf of Tweddle Child and Family Health Service in Melbourne. The fathers in this research highlight their
encounters with services that frequently presume they are secondary or part-time parents. While cultural assumptions about
paternal incompetence sit comfortably alongside portrayals of fathers as helpers, these fathers resisted the assumption that they
were secondary players or as one father put it ‘the third wheel’. This research set out to identify barriers and opportunities in
relation to fathers’ engagement with residential parenting support programs. It found that these fathers believed themselves to be
part of a ‘parenting team’ and that lack of recognition of this fact impacted on their level of engagement with support services.
Keywords: fathers, parenting, father competence, father engagement, parenting support services
Over the last 30 years, cultural depictions
of different ways of being a man have
had important consequences for the role of the
father (Sullivan, 2000). Cultural portrayals of a
‘new’ father which began to appear in the 1980s,
marked a shift in societal expectations of fathers
(Coltrane, 1995; Lamb, 2000; Lupton & Barclay,
1997; McMahon, 1999). This involved father is
frequently depicted as a man who is nurturing
and caring and who willingly and equitably shares
care giving work with mothers.
While recent research indicates that fathers are
spending more time with their children than their
fathersdid(Bianchi,2000),currentresearchfocuses
on the extent to which ‘new’ fathers’ caring behav-
ior lives up to expectations of shared parenting
and changing cultural notions about ‘good’ father-
ing (Baxter, 2002; Craig, 2006; Deinhart, 1998;
Doucet, 2004, 2009; Henwood & Procter, 2003;
Lupton & Barclay, 1997). Despite the emergence
of a ‘new’ father discourse, researchers note that the
pattern of gendered responsibility has not changed
significantly even in view of women’s greater par-
ticipation in the workforce (Baxter, 2002; Bittman
& Pixley, 1997; Coltrane, 1996; Craig, 2006).
According to Wall and Arnold (2007), a range of
complex and interrelated issues including fathering
competence and confidence, mothers’ gate keep-
ing, workplace culture, policy failings, the wage
gap between men and women and the persistence
of traditional cultural understandings of mother-
hood and fatherhood all combine to limit the shift
in the gendered nature of parenting. Much research
notes that many fathers continue to resist equitable
sharing of child care (Baxter & Smart, 2011; Craig,
2006). This is particularly evident in the care of
infants and babies where fathers’ caring work is
‘a fraction of that of that undertaken by mothers’
(Wall & Arnold, 2007, p. 509).
A significant body of academic work has
focused on the ‘deficit model’ of fathering whereby
mothering is positioned as the benchmark which
fathers fail to live up to (Deinhart, 1998). A focus
on a deficit model has left questions of how men
learn to father and how they develop a sense of
themselves as competent, confident and involved
fathers largely under explored (Fletcher, 2008;
Hawkins, Christiansen, Sargent, & Hill, 1995).
This research project was undertaken to gain
insights into the barriers to men’s engagement
with parenting support programs, specifically a
residential program run by Tweddle Child and
Family Services located in Melbourne’s western
suburbs. At the same time, it also aimed to gain
some insight into how these fathers understood
the notion of fatherhood and how it was enacted.
Other researchers have previously identified the
challenging task of recruiting and maintaining
1
Correspondence to: The Swinburne Institute, Swinburne
University, Mail Code H53, P. O. Box 218, Hawthorn, VIC,
Australia; tel: 03 9214 5978; e-mail: bcosson@swin.edu.au

Barbara Cosson and Elinor Graham
JOURNAL OF FAMILY STUDIES Volume 18, Issue 2–3, December 2012 © eContent Management Pty Ltd122
professionals that they were secondary parents or
inadequate to the task of caring for young babies.
METHODOLOGY
This research was originally conducted on behalf of
Tweddle Child and Family Health Service, a not-
for-profit early parenting support service based in
Footscray, Melbourne. Tweddle provides hands-on
education, care and support to parents experiencing
problems with young children aged from 0–4 years
including difficulty with sleeping, settling, feeding
and behavioral issues. It offers a range of accredited
services that aim to build parenting skill and confi-
dence. A multi-disciplinary team is often involved
in assisting parents whilst in the unit.They are made
up of nurses, early childhood professionals, psychol-
ogists and social workers. They work to determine
trigger factors that cause parents’ and children’s dis-
tress and help them develop appropriate response
strategies. While parents often understand prob-
lems with their young children as ‘not sleeping’ or
‘not settling’, Tweddle works on the basis that the
issues are generally broader than that. They take a
holistic approach observing parents over a period of
time in order to understand how they respond to
a child’s cues. For this reason the unit offers a 3-
or 4-day stay depending on the complexity of the
problems parents face. The program provides one-
on-one support, advice, encouragement and group
education and therapeutic sessions which explore
parenting techniques. More than 1600 (2009–10
figures) parents utilize its residential and day ser-
vices each year. This service, funded by the state
government, is provided free to parents.
The original research was conducted by market
researchers. A lack of material published in the field
of family studies on fathers’ experiences of parenting
prompted a reanalysis of the data in order to make
a contribution to research in this area. This analysis,
undertaken with Tweddle’s permission, revisits the
data situating it within the context of other work in
the field. It was carried out by the original research-
ers who sought and obtained Swinburne Human
Research Ethics Committee approval.
The objectives of the original research project
were to develop a greater understanding of whether
newproductsandservicesmightberequiredtomeet
emerging client needs and address access issues for
men’sinvolvementinchildandfamilyservicespro-
grams (Berlyn, Wise, & Soriano, 2008; Holmes,
Galovan, Yoshida, & Hawkins, 2010; Raikes,
Summers, & Roggman, 2005). The reasons for
this have variously been described as owing to
the exclusionary nature of the women-centered
culture found in child and family services, a lack
of recognition of fathers’ needs and knowledge,
and fathers’ work commitments (Fletcher, 2003;
Holmes et al., 2010; Raikes et al., 2005).
Fathers’ sense of their own masculinity also
comes into play. The study by Berlyn et al. (2008)
into fathers’ engagement in child and family ser-
vices’ parenting programs indicates that fathers
are reluctant to seek professional support largely
because they see it as an admission of failure.
The sense of failure their research participants
described suggests a concern about competence.
Doucet’s (2009, p. 89) research highlights that
an assumption of incompetence is often associ-
ated with fatherhood and that there is a persistent
societal view that men cannot adequately care for
babies. This is supported by research by Wall and
Arnold (2007) who undertook a discourse analysis
of media representations of fatherhood in Canada.
Media portrayals, while paying lip service to the
‘new’ father, often undermined these references by
positioning fathers as part-time or secondary.
This research project sheds light on some mas-
culine concepts of care. At the same time, it ques-
tions whether the ‘new’ father claims the benefits
of the enjoyment and pleasure of parenting while
avoiding the labor of childcare and household
work. All of the fathers in this research project
were experiencing difficulties with young chil-
dren particularly in relation to sleeping and set-
tling issues. While they were clearly anxious and
exhausted by this, they resisted the idea that they
lacked competence in caring for young children
or that they were part-time or secondary parents.
Instead, they indicated that they were part of a
parenting team, involved in all aspects of caring
for children, including babies and they argued that
childcare and household tasks were increasingly
negotiated. While they were concerned about their
competence in dealing with the problems that had
arisen with their infants, they articulated a frus-
tration with the presumption by nurses and other

© eContent Management Pty Ltd Volume 18, Issue 2–3, December 2012 JOURNAL OF FAMILY STUDIES
123
Tweddle’s services in the previous 12 months. Two
other groups had no experience of Tweddle but a
number of the participants had had contact with
services similar toTweddle.These latter two groups
were recruited on the basis that they and their part-
ners had experienced problems in relation to par-
ent fatigue, feeding management including breast
feeding, bottle feeding, introduction of solids, tod-
dler nutrition, weaning, sleep and settling strate-
gies for babies or young children, crying babies and
challenging toddler behavior. These two groups of
fathers were recruited by a professional recruitment
company and all participants received a payment
of $70 to attend.
The recruitment company also took on the task
of approaching the Tweddle fathers after contact
was initially made by Tweddle personnel often
via their spouses. The participants ranged in age
from mid 20s–mid 40s and the majority had two
or more children and worked full-time. Whilst
detailed demographic information was not sought,
the participants indicated that they were either
employed in corporate offices or self-employed.
The latter included a landscape gardener, a con-
crete truck driver and a golf instructor. One of the
27 had spent a period of time caring full-time for
his child, another had taken extended leave and
was caring full-time for the child and a third was
about to take on the role full-time whilst his part-
ner worked outside the home.
Interview questions were developed according
to themes starting with general questions about
family life. This included questions like: Tell us
about modern family life. What holds families
together? What jobs do you undertake in the fam-
ily? How do you balance work and family? What
does it mean to be a dad? What influences you
in your fathering? How well do you feel you are
doing the job? More specific questions were then
asked about the problems they were experiencing
with their children; how they and their partners
tried to manage the problems and the triggers to
seeking help. Finally we focused on the experience
of help; who was active in the decision, how they
found the help and what the experience was like
when they found it. Tweddle fathers were asked
specific questions about the programs they par-
ticipated in such as how they were ‘invited’ to
fathers. The research aimed to provide preliminary
indictors about the barriers and opportunities that
exist in relation to engaging fathers, particularly in
residential programs. It was also anticipated that the
insights would provide directions for a review of
Tweddle’s service model or for the need to under-
take more detailed research. It also aimed to provide
insights into fathers’ attitudes to being a parent and
their views, feelings and behaviors around caring for
a young child. The reanalysis of the data, informed
by other research in the area, enables the findings to
be made available to wider audience.
Focus groups were the chosen method of data
collection in order to gain ‘insights into how a prod-
uct, service or opportunity is perceived’ (Kruger,
1994, p. 6). Kruger argues that the focus group
works because it enables attitudes and perceptions
to emerge in interaction with others. This, he con-
tends, is how people form opinions in everyday life.
A ‘permissive group environment’ encourages self
disclosure enabling individual participants to feel
comfortable about airing feelings, thoughts and
ideas (Kruger, 1994, p. 11). This comfort is often
fostered by homogeneity in relation to commonal-
ity of experience (Kruger, 1994), in this case having
young children who were experiencing a range of
difficulties in relation to sleeping, settling, feeding
and behavioral issues. As mothers’ ourselves and as
researchers, we were struck by the enthusiasm of the
fathers in engaging with the issues we were exploring
around fatherhood generally but specifically about
their experiences and how these had impacted on
their lives. Their experiences were often intensely
emotional yet they displayed a willingness to share
their frustrations, their lack of competency at times
but overwhelming their heightened sense of plea-
sure in parenting and an engagement with notions
of what it is to be a ‘good’ father.
Five focus groups were conducted involving 27
fathers with children aged between new born and
3 years, all of whom had indicated that they had
experienced difficulties within the last 12 months.
The focus groups were held during November and
December of 2009.Three of the groups had experi-
ence of Tweddle services, two groups were made up
of residential clients and one of clients of Tweddle’s
at home service (since disbanded).The fathers were
randomly selected from families who had utilized

the pervasiveness of computers, email and mobile
phones undermined family time even at weekends.
Fathers indicated that relationships in mod-
ern families had changed significantly. One of the
principal differences was that men were no lon-
ger necessarily the main source of income because
many wives worked and that this meant that there
was now no such thing as ‘traditional roles’. They
described relationships that involved considerable
negotiation made more complex by the fatigue
and worry they were experiencing with their chil-
dren. Whilst the participants did mention their role
as provider, wives’ earning capacity ensured that
negotiation was now a feature of their relationships
where child care was concerned. They described
relationships that were ‘more 50/50’ in terms of
managing parental responsibilities than was evident
in previous generations. Generally fathers felt a soci-
etal pressure to be more engaged and involved in
everyday aspects of childcare or as one participant
described it, there was a need for ‘Dads to step up’
(Participant Group Two non-Tweddle users). This
suggested that compared to their own parents’ expe-
rience there was a greater need for give and take and
‘a team effort’ was the only way to get things done
given the constraints of work and the time pressures
that they and their partners were experiencing.
Most participants described constructing ‘to
do lists’ that involved often cooking the evening
meal, shopping and cleaning as part of their
responsibilities along with day-to-day care such
as soothing and settling, feeding (including night
time feeds), changing nappies, bathing and play-
ing with their children. One father articulated the
problem he and his partner were having with a
very unsettled child at night as a negotiation.
The one who gets up depends on who is working the
next day. (Participant Group Two non-Tweddle user)
The shared responsibilities these fathers’
describe are intrinsic to cultural notions of involved
fatherhood. Much research challenges the notion
that fathers are taking responsibility for household
work and child care (Baxter, 2002; Bittman &
Pixley, 1997; Coltrane, 2000) and some has raised
doubts about the reliability of data collected from
fathers (Roggman et al., 2002). Other researchers
have been critical of the fact that information pro-
vided by mothers is rarely challenged as unreliable
participate, how they were ‘inducted’ into the
program, their perspective on the experience and
whether it had helped them develop new skills.
Each focus group was conducted by two
researchers to enable detailed note taking as the
discussion was not recorded. The researchers
transcribed their notes at the end of each session,
reading and re-reading them in order to highlight
consistency in perceptions and opinions and fre-
quency and intensity of comments and the exten-
siveness of these comments among participants
(Kruger, 1994). The researchers then spent many
hours together comparing notes to identify con-
vergence in trends and patterns.
FINDINGS
Three main themes were evident in this research.
Firstly fathers introduced the notion of the ‘team’
in relation to the juggling act that is implicit in
meeting the demands of both parenting and work-
ing. In this they eschewed the idea of ‘traditional
roles’ and rarely privileged the role of bread winner
ahead of their everyday responsibilities as fathers.
Secondly, they demonstrated considerable self-
reflection in relation to their role as fathers and
as partners and were emotionally engrossed in
their children. The ‘good’ father discourse articu-
lated by these fathers paralleled notions of intense
mothering evident since women have entered the
workforce in increasing numbers. Finally, having
positioned themselves as part of a team, they called
upon this notion again to describe their experience
of exclusion when seeking help from professionals
for problems with their young children. In par-
ticular, they resented being seen as ‘a third wheel’
or as secondary to the primary parent. The next
section explores these themes in more detail.
DEMOCRATIZATION OF MODERN FAMILY LIFE
Describing modern family life, all of the participants
indicated that as parents they were under pressure
trying to balance work and family. They indicated
that nine-to-five jobs were a thing of the past and
whilst many felt that new technologies often gave
them greater flexibility in trying to meet their
dual commitments as parent and worker, this was
a ‘double-edged sword’. One father said; ‘There’s
flexibility but also 24/7 accessibility (Participant
Group One non-Tweddle user) suggesting that

125
My dad was a policeman. I never remember getting so
much as a cuddle from him … I’m trying to give my
children love and heaps of it. (Participant Tweddle @
Home User)
How these men father does appear to be
shaped, at least to some extent, by their own
fathers especially where there was absence and
a lack of affection. In this regard, having close
and loving relationships with children was part
of what it was to be a ‘good’ father (Brandth
& Kvande, 1998). Consistent with their insis-
tence that they were ‘fathering trail blazers’ these
research participants were fashioning their ideas
of fatherhood and building capabilities and skills
through ‘observation, communication and nego-
tiation’ (Daly, 1995, p. 38). However, they could
not articulate a clear perception of what a good
father was. This quote succinctly sums up the
struggle to make sense of ideal fatherhood:
Who knows what a good father is anyway. All I know
is that no one could be a better Dad to my kids than
me. (Participant Group Two Tweddle user)
In discussing the influences that helped them
to father, participants identified an absence of role
models.They said they listened to the advice of pro-
fessionals, used their ‘intuition’ and learned from
their mistakes. They also gleaned what they could
from other parents, for example some had attended
mothers’ groups. Some talked to ‘mates’, ‘colleagues’
or ‘mum’ while others were influenced by the lack
of values they saw in other parents such as permit-
ting ‘bad manners’ or ‘children running wild’. Many
mentioned their partners who often provided more
practical advice.The task of developing new models
of fatherhood was not without anxiety and partici-
pants indicated a concern about whether they were
getting it right. The fact that they had to seek help
was an indication that possibly they weren’t but
their willingness to find solutions was driven by a
respect for expertise, a desire for a less fraught family
life and love for their children.
Nearly all the research subjects were in the thrall
of fatherhood despite the dramatic experiences they
shared of deeply unsettled young children, their
serious lack of sleep and the difficulties of dealing
with depression being experienced mainly by their
partners but sometimes by them. All expressed
their emotions about their children candidly:
(Wical & Doherty, 2005).This research paper does
not attempt to engage in these debates except to
suggest that the fathers in this research were all
linked by a common problem – parenting difficul-
ties serious enough for them to seek help. These
issues were overwhelming them and disrupting the
household to such an extent that they did perhaps
demand a greater level of involvement from fathers.
At the same time they were trying to share the load
more equitably and in this regard, most of the par-
ticipants saw themselves as less selfish and more
selfless. They frequently mentioned that becoming
a father meant they now felt ‘grown up at last’.
Exploring issues around greater individualiza-
tion, Beck and Beck-Gernsheim (1995) argue that
as traditional social ties break down, the expectations
associated with intimate relationships become more
demanding. Within contemporary relationships,
they assert, there is much more flexibility to ‘choose’
how one should behave and while this fosters more
negotiation, communication and egalitarianism it
also creates greater instability. For men, this marks
a significant shift from the home as ‘a haven from a
heartless world’ (Lasch, 1979) to a place of involve-
ment in day-to-day family life including demon-
strating love, affection and sensitivity, emotions
traditionally associated with femininity (Lupton &
Barclay, 1997). The men in this research rarely indi-
cated a resistance to these expectations given that
they viewed themselves as ‘trailblazers’ in relation to
more involved and competent fathering. They high-
lighted the transformative nature of fathering and
openly represented themselves as caring, affectionate
and competent. As one dad said:
Unity is the key today. You have to be in it as a team.
(Participant Group One non-Tweddle user)
However, there is ambivalence among the men
about the accomplishment of fathering as a gendered
practice. When asked about the things or people
that influenced their fathering, research participants
found it easier to describe the kind of fathers they
did not want to be. Most had made a conscious
choice to father differently to their own fathers who
they said were frequently absent and unavailable. In
describing his father one participant said: ‘He’s my
example of what not to do’ (Participant Group Two
Tweddle user). Some also talked about the lack of
affection and emotional support:

carers. Of the 27 participants two had been stay
home parents at some stage and one was about to
take over full-time care. Others were trying to use
flexible work arrangements to work from home
more often. However there were also contradic-
tions. In speaking about what prompted them to
seek professional help with the various problems
they were experiencing some father’s saw that help
was needed mainly for their partners who were
depressed or ‘not coping’. This tended to locate the
problem in the mother’s inability to manage the
child.
We both recognized there was a problem but we put
up with it until my wife couldn’t handle it anymore.
(Participant Group Two non-Tweddle user)
My wife couldn’t have a routine for herself let alone the
child. Basic organization became difficult. (Participant
Group Two Tweddle user)
Yet a number of fathers also saw it as a family
problem and therefore a shared problem effected
in their use of pronouns and the framing of the
dilemma as involving the whole family.
We were getting so little sleep we all needed help –
the family, the cat, the dog even the tenants next door
(Participant Group Two non-Tweddle user).
It slowly caught up with us. He was going to bed later
and later and so we would all have to go to bed together
to get him to sleep. It was ridiculous and we realized
we couldn’t keep doing this. (Participant Group Two
Tweddle user)
It was about us, the parents. We needed the support.
(Participant Group Two Tweddle user)
SEEKING PROFESSIONAL HELP
Beryln et al. (2008, p. 39) found that men were
‘reluctant to seek professional support’ because they
perceiveditas‘asenseofpersonalfailure…’However,
some also lacked information about services that
might provide support. Fathers in our research were
active in finding help and felt that seeking support
was a natural thing to do once they recognized they
had a problem. ‘Google’ was their main means of
finding a solution.They were present in the problem
and active in the solution. At least three of the fathers
did the searching and contacted the service they
thought could help them directly whilst the rest indi-
cated that they worked through the options together.
You can have a lousy day at work but then everything
evaporates when you see your child. I used to spend a lot
of time alone. I don’t get that anymore but I don’t regret
it for a second. (Participant Group Two Tweddle user)
It’s [fathering] the true meaning of life. It’s genuine
love. Pure, with no conditions attached. (Participant
Group One non-Tweddle user)
They also demonstrated a degree of reflexivity
in regard to their role as fathers and what it meant
to them personally.
Being at home with my daughter recently while my part-
ner worked has given me time to reflect on what I expect
of myself. (Participant Group Two non-Tweddle user)
You shape yourself to be a better Dad over time. I’d
give myself an A for effort and a B for achievement.
(Participant Group One non-Tweddler user)
McMahon (1999, p. 31) argues that men’s plea-
sure and nurturance of children is part of the dis-
course of the new father. He suggests they have been
‘incorporated into a rhetoric previously reserved for
motherhood’ though he contends that this does not
appear to undermine the unequal division of labor
in the family. While current research supports this
view (Baxter, 2002; Craig, 2006) the majority of
these fathers indicated they were utilizing technology
– mobile phones, the internet and email – to put
in place more flexible work arrangements such as
working from home more often, in order to be more
involved in everyday care of children. This suggests
that the responsibilities of parenthood are increas-
inglyanegotiationbetweencoupleseveniftheextent
of that involvement is yet to be equally shared. Yet
the act of negotiation is frequently ignored in the lit-
erature. Dienhart (1998, p. 13) suggests that an ‘ide-
alized mother’ template limits the scope of inquiry
and tends to privilege the mother’s way disregarding
the unique contributions that fathers make and the
complexity of the issues associated with creating par-
enting partnerships. Dienhart’s research highlights
the ways in which these parents negotiate the deli-
cate balance of work and family responsibilities and
significantly, the way they value difference and each
partner’s particular skill or interest.
This necessity to negotiate and the desire to
be engaged and involved and share parental work
is evident in the number of men in this randomly
selected sample that were or had been full-time

127
solutions including ‘a beer in the fridge’; internet
access so they could work while children slept; Foxtel
so they could watch some sport and more masculine
reading matter such as car magazines.
For both theTweddle fathers and those who had
experienced similar services, attention to fathers’
needs in parenting programs, especially where it
requires a residential component, would make
a difference to father engagement. A number of
participants indicated they would feel more com-
fortable if more fathers stayed overnight. They sug-
gested there was a need to make it clear that fathers
are seen as valued and important to the process of
solving parenting difficulties with young children.
A good first step from their perspective was that
education programs should address issues that
directly affect fathers such as how they juggle work
and family, how they are coping emotionally and
understanding what matters to them as fathers.
The frequently mentioned perception by nurses of
the father as ‘an adjunct’ or ‘a third wheel’, sug-
gests a parallel with maternal gate keeping. Allen
and Hawkins (1999, p. 200) describe maternal
gate keeping as a set of beliefs and behaviors that
inhibit a collaborative parenting effort which has
the effect of inhibiting fathers’ opportunity and
ability to learn through caring for children. For
fathers in this research such beliefs position them
at best as helper and at worst as incompetent. This
resonates with the work of Wall and Arnold (2007)
mentioned earlier in this paper. Given that many of
these fathers indicated a willingness to engage with
issues of care in difficult circumstances, assump-
tions about their parenting status undermined their
notion of themselves as involved fathers. Their idea
of themselves as part of a team was compromised.
Despite these experiences, the program did
predominantly provide good outcomes for both
parents and children. Most felt empowered to
take control through the techniques that they
were taught though some who found it difficult to
engage with the service learned these from partners
rather than nurses. Despite this they were positive
about the results that such services can provide.
There is a huge change in the way we deal with our
child. We have the confidence to take control. It’s made
a huge difference to our lives. (Participant Group One
Tweddle user)
All of the Tweddle@Home participants stayed at
home for the nurse’s (2 hour) visit. Of those using the
residential service a smaller number stayed overnight
while others visited when they could. Fathers had a
good initial impression of the service.
The staff took you aside individually and talked to you
about your goals and what you valued and what you
thought. (Participant Group Two Tweddle user)
The nurses showed a lot of empathy and you felt
as if you weren’t the only person with a problem.
(Participant Group Two Tweddle user)
After the initial introduction however, fathers’
reported they did not feel integrated into the pro-
cess or program.They articulated their feelings using
the language of exclusion: ‘It was more for my part-
ner’; ‘I felt left out’; ‘The focus was too much on the
mother’; ‘I felt like I was seen more as an adjunct,
not necessarily having a primary role’; ‘The program
is designed for mums’; ‘There’s nothing to encour-
age us to stay during the day’; ‘I felt like a third
wheel’ (Participants Groups One and TwoTweddle
users). This experience was echoed by fathers in the
non-Tweddle groups who had accessed similar ser-
vices. This father indicated that he felt that nurses
presumed he was there under sufferance.
They thought my wife made me come but it was my
choice. (Participant Group Two non-Tweddle User)
Fathers also felt discomfort about being
observed and uncertain about the rules.
I was worried about people judging me. (Participant
Group One Tweddle User)
I took the baby for a walk but I wasn’t sure if that was
OK. (Participant Group One Tweddle user)
These fathers did not feel like a valued part of
the process of dealing with their children’s problems.
When they endeavoured to insert themselves into the
process, they often met with resistance from nurses.
I felt when I posed a direct question to nursing staff
about inconsistency that I caused quite a defensive
response. (Participant Group Two Tweddle user)
Father’s described explicit exclusion but also drew
attention to implicit exclusion. They often felt out
of place in such a woman-centered environment.
When asked how the environment could be made
more‘dadfriendly’,theysuggestedarangeofpossible

themselves as critical contributors to the care of
their children yet they felt their contribution was
not always valued or recognized. In relation to the
Tweddle service, they indicated that they wanted to
be better informed about what to expect when they
entered the residential support environment. They
also wanted access to father-specific information
that addresses their experiences as fathers trying to
juggle work and family. In consideration of their
needs, they suggested father-friendly devices such
as wireless internet connection so that they could
catch up on work when children were sleeping and
clarity about the ‘rules’ of the facility. Rather than
an assumption that they are secondary parents or
just supporting their partners, fathers want to feel
welcome and fully integrated into the process.
These fathers indicate that they are embodying
notions of engaged and involved fathering some-
times described as the ‘new’ father in the popular
media. Without disputing the significant body of
research which indicates that what men say and
what they do are often different things when it
comes to domestic work and childcare, these fathers
are clear they want to be seen as part of a parent-
ing team. Yet even when they ‘step up’ and try to
play an equal role, it seems they are still perceived
as the secondary parent by some within Tweddle,
an organization whose aim is to provide parenting
support and education. Such a response can be lik-
ened to a form of maternal gatekeeping as it con-
tinues to place a cultural emphasis on mothers as
primary carers which can undermine fathers who
seek to be engaged with and involved in caring for
children. The importance of identifying and acting
on instances of exclusion however unintentional
cannot be underestimated as this ultimately helps
to normalize involved fathering and shared care.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The authors are grateful for the helpful com-
ments and advice from Deborah Dempsey and
Kerreen Reiger. They also thank Tweddle Child
and Family Health Service for generously allow-
ing a reanalysis of the data enabling the research
to be brought to a wider audience.
REFERENCES
Allen, S. M., & Hawkins, A. J. (1999). Maternal gate-
keeping: Mothers’ beliefs and behaviors that inhibit
This research indicates a strong desire by its
participants to be seen as part of a parenting
team yet it is important to note that most of the
fathers seemed to be from predominantly middle
class backgrounds though without detailed demo-
graphic information it is difficult to speculate.
There did not appear to be broad representation
of fathers from different cultural or religious back-
grounds in this sample but a number were living
in blended family arrangements. This research
does not wish to imply an homogenous notion of
fathering nor that all parenting support services
exclude fathers. While the focus of the research
is Tweddle’s residential service, it was interesting
that some non-Tweddle participants indicated
similar feelings of exclusion when approaching
health professionals generally about problems
with their children and this was also true of some
who had accessed services comparable to Tweddle.
CONCLUSION
Through their comfort with caring and nurtur-
ing, the fathers in this research highlight some of
the ways that men are actively ‘reshaping’ father-
hood to incorporate both feminine and masculine
characteristics. Their lack of identification with
the breadwinning role indicates that it is no longer
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opens up a space for them to identify as loving car-
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find the task of caring for children and undertaking
household work must be negotiated. For the most
part their greater involvement and engagement
with fathering enables them to perceive themselves
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to participate to the extent that they would like
despite taking advantage of modern technological
advancements, this group of fathers seem to be:
… more committed to the idea of caring for (taking
responsibility for decisions and organizing activities
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129
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