'Parenting and family ties christian parenting and counselling in the home'

10/10/2019 1Dr Geoffrey Wango, Psychology Department, University of Nairobi
Dr. Geoffrey Wango
Senior Lecturer
Counselling Psychology
University of Nairobi
PARENTING AND FAMILY TIES
Christian Parenting and Counselling in the Home

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Dr Geoffrey Wango, Psychology Department, University of Nairobi 2

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Introduction
Part One The Parent, Home and the Child: What, Where,
How and Why
Chapter 1 Parent and Parenting: Managing the Household
Chapter 2 Safety in the Home and for the Family
Chapter 3 Effective Family Communication
Part Two Child Upbringing: Child > Teenager > Adult
Challenges and Coping Skills
Chapter 4 Child Behaviour, Managing Good Conduct and
Character Building
Chapter 5 The Home, Family and the School
Chapter 6 Human Sexuality during Growth and Development
Chapter 7 Adolescence: Parents and Teenagers Working
Together
Part Three Onwards, The Future: Emerging and Challenging
Issues in a Moving World
Chapter 8 Personality: The Self, Relationships and Management
Chapter 9 Health, Healthy Living and Wellness
Chapter 10 Coping as a Single Parent: Single and Blessed
Chapter 11 Wellness and Well-being: Further Reflections and
Conclusions
Glossary
References

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We together live in a Global
World. It can be very challenging
as a Christian and as a parent to
balance all the demands of
modern living. Yet, we have to
cope, and most importantly bring
up happy, lovely and Godly
children. That is why guidance
and counselling, mentorship and
coaching are useful in Christian
Parenting.

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Christian Parenting: Raising Godly Children
RATIONALE

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Christian Parenting and Child
Upbringing: Rationale
 Child rearing is a great challenge, but also a great privilege.
 As a Christian and as a parent, it can be very overwhelming
to raise a child in today’s challenging world. In several
instances, it can feel like everything is getting stiff, more
complicated and corrupted, the family is always under
turbulence, and that the child and children are going through
hard times to grow up in a Christian perspective.
 The Bible gives us a lot of guidelines, including direct
instructions on parenting God’s way. Raising Godly children
will be a delight to you as a parent, as a family and for the
child. It is also the blessing of a lifetime!
 From the onset, God desired that we and our children should
be happy. Therefore, children are the natural result of
marriage and family, which God too has blessed.

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 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase
in number; fill the earth and subdue it.” (Genesis 1:28)
 “And these words that I command you today shall be on your
heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and
shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you
walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”
(Deuteronomy 6: 6 – 7)
 “Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from
Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in
one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.”
(Psalm 127:3-5a)
 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring
them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
(Ephesians 6:4)

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 Parents must hold children in high regard. This is
because your child is a gift and a blessing from God.
 Subsequently, in the very beginning, in the Garden of
Eden, God established the institution of marriage,
blessed it, and encouraged the bearing and raising of
children. Children are God-given and a blessing!
 The role of the parent (parenting) is a sacred trust
from God. It is therefore our prime responsibility as
parents to raise up children into responsible adults.
 Reason: we are here to effectively serve God, our
families, and the society.
 Note carefully: Children are not a curse!

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Components of Positive Christian
Parenting
There are three (3) essential
components to positive Christian
parenting that make up substantial
characteristics in context and
content.
These are:
(1) Love and Care;
(2) Teaching and Training; and,
(3) Discipline and Integrity.

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Love, Care and Concern
Loving your Child
1

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Love, Care and Concern: Loving
your Child and Children
- Children thrive on love. Children lavish attention and love.
- Parents must learn to lavish love, attention and care upon
children while feeding and talking to them, cleaning them
and even in their tone and voice.
“Give” yourself to your children, even as “...Christ loved
the church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25)
- Tell your children that you love them and show them often
that you do love them.
- Be sure to affirm the love through providing for them and
in your kind actions and words.
- Praise them, especially when they do well.
- Show physical affection. Hug your children, hold them,
give rewards to encourage them.

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Positive Parenting: Loving your Child
- Children understand themselves to be cared about (accepted) or
not cared about (rejected) by the people most important to them
(especially parents though this includes teachers, relatives and
other community members) in four ways:
(1) Perception of warmth/affection - (the opposite is coldness /
lack of affection, discrimination and stigmatisation);
(2) Friendliness and kindliness - (the opposite is hostility,
aggression);
(3) Love, care and affection - (the opposite is indifference /
neglect, abuse [physical and/or psychological]); and,
(4) Acceptance and approval, undifferentiated - (opposite is rebuff
and/or rejection).
- Rejected children tend to develop a constellation of several
personality dispositions. These include: anxiety, insecurity, anger,
hostility, aggression, and passive aggression. This leads to
anxiety, depression and self-injurious behaviours and can lead to
suicidal tendencies.

Parent and Parenting
Who is a parent?
What is parenting?

- A parent is a mother, father or guardian. They may be the
biological or non-biological mother and/or father of the child, or
a guardian who adopts the child.
- Parents provide for the child's security, as well as the emotional
and physical needs. These include love, comfort and warmth.
- They also protect the child from harm, as well as impart in them
values, norms and skills congruent with societal expectations.
- The different role of parents varies throughout life. The child is
therefore a member of the family.
- A family is a group of people who are related by blood, adoption
or marriage. It consists of one or two parents and their child or
children. Together, they strengthen the family bonds.
- Parenting is the holistic process of promoting and supporting
the physical, emotional, social, spiritual and intellectual
development of a child from infancy to adulthood. It is the
activity of raising a child rather than the biological relationship.

- Love is at its best when it is giving. Give your children portions
of your love and time. Give them your full attention when they
talk to you. In addition, teach them to love and care for others,
especially the seemingly less advantaged or privileged
members of society.
 Be involved in their lives and interests. This includes: play and
games, Church and school activities, schooling, friends and the
programmes that they watch on television and/or Internet.
 Listen to the child when they want to share something with you.
 Spend time with the child.
 Include the child as part of your work, including their school
work. You can always play with them, chat and find out their
opinion about various things and life in general.
 But love your spouse first and foremost! The best thing you can
do for your child is to love your spouse.

The Home, Family and the Child
- Parenting is much more than the biological bringing up of
children, behavioural management and discipline. It is the joy of
watching as a child grows up responsibly, not just in the
physical (body) sense but also spiritual (soul) and mind. With
time and effort, the parent effectively assists the child to grow to
maturity, become independent, responsible, develop self-worth,
and adopt healthy behaviours that can help them function
effectively in society.
- Parenting also involves helping a child (and all the children)
develop social skills, personal interests, respect for self and
others, and ways of handling and expressing their emotions. It
also involves imparting life values and skills including honesty,
integrity and responsibility.
- Parents need to feel confident about what they can provide to
children. This includes their own wisdom and guidance, as well
as supporting and mentoring them.

The Home, Family and the Child
Father Mother
Child
Child
Child
Level 1
Parents
Level 2
Children
Level 3
Parents
and
Children

Parental Pledge to a child
The following TEN guidelines are clearly set aside to guide you as a
parent:
1. Give the child love and affection.
2. Set aside quantity and quality time to spend with the child.
3. Provide security for the child.
4. Recognise that the child has rights and responsibilities; respect the
rights and at the same time instil a sense of responsibility.
5. Assist the child learn self-discipline and self-control with, and
through, effective discipline and politeness.
6. Understand child development stages. You can learn about the age
appropriate development so that you can have, and set realistic
expectations for the child.
7. Teach the child clear rules and procedures to ensure health and
safety.
8. Teach the child positive norms and attitude, while avoiding
unnecessary criticism.
9. Teach the child moral and ethical values.
10. Raise the child in a stable, secure environment.

Safety and security
The foundation of strong self-esteem is achieved
by providing a child with a safe and secure home
and school. Safety and security are achieved
through providing the following: warmth and
love; respect; and, a caring and trusting
relationship with parents, family, friends, and
adults.

 Language and Language Development (increase
in vocabulary, improved grammar).
 Etiquette / decorum (appropriate and acceptable
societal norms).
 Code of conduct (Behaviour and values).
 Duties and Responsibilities (at home, school and
later in life).
 Handling emotions appropriately.
 Intelligence (academic, social and emotional
intelligences).
 Spiritual growth and development.
Positive Parenting leads to effective Growth
and Development

Developing Play: FOLLOW the Child
Play is the most natural way through which children learn.
FOLLOW the child’s directions:
 Fun. The purpose of play is fun. Make the play enjoyable
and exciting.
 Objective. Have realistic objectives when playing. In
that case, games should be organised.
 Leading play. Follow the child’s lead when beginning
and during play. Lead the child so that play is
purposeful, enjoyable and helpful to the child.
 Language and other social skills. Develop language,
social, physical, sensory and living skills, among others
during play.
 Organisation of play. Activities should be short.
 Whole family. Involve the entire family as much as
possible.

Types of Play:
Parallel, Cooperative and Solitary Play
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23

- Parenting is life-long. Therefore, caring for the child is very
important. Children need to be well looked after, loved,
provided with basic needs including food, clothing and
protection. They must feel secure. Children do not just
grow up; growing up is more of a natural aspect. Children
develop, and development comes with discipline and
character. The role of a parent is essential in this process.
- When the child grows up, the core principles and morals
you will have implanted will remain intact. The child will of
course grow older, worldlier and hopefully wiser. In turn, he
or she will have become more socially and economically
well-grounded. Soon, the child will be a father and a
husband, a mother and a wife with all those roles as well
as attend to social responsibilities and expectations.
Parenting is a Responsibility

Children who fail to receive love while growing up tend to be
withdrawn and isolated. They also have little or no feelings. A
child must receive a lot of love, wholesome affection from the
parent. A child who fails to receive love and care and attention
from parents will often seek it elsewhere. This is because such
a child has a craving for this lack of wholesome, love, care and
concern in the home. In several instances, this drives children
to seek it elsewhere in form of friendship, sex, drugs and
substance abuse. Unfortunately, they too often find it in illicit
sexual encounters, peer relations or crime.

2
Teaching
and
Instruction

 As a Christian, we teach and instruct the child. When we do
so, we are not simply presenting a list of rules and
regulations to be followed. Instead, we are letting our actions
speak to the child. This is by training him/her according to
God's standards. This includes our way of life.
 A parent is the first and foremost teacher. God’s command is:
“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old
he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)
 The Christian parent understands too well the necessity of
God's laws. Christian philosophy has various underpinnings.
Parents do not have to impose any of their own values upon the
child but the ethos of their religion and society. You must
provide the child with the understanding of how God's rules
govern all our lives. Then, as the child matures, he/she
develops a habit of doing right. This is by serving God
through making his/her own godly decisions.
Teaching and Instruction as a Christian

 A parent is the first and foremost teacher.
 Parents are entrusted with taking care of the children; it is our
utmost (prime) responsibility.
 The home is the primary training environment. The Church
assists the parents to accomplish this primary responsibility.
 Teaching and Training a child involves several processes. These
include shaping and modelling. It involves repetition,
reinforcement, encouragement, sometimes over and over. But
in the end, it is worth it!
 The teaching and training that your child needs most is in the
following FOUR areas:
(1) Character (personality);
(2) Conduct (behaviour);
(3) Morality (social ethics and norms); and,
(4) Spirituality (faith and religion, the ways of the Lord).
Christian Parenting: First Fast Lessons

Christian Parenting: First Fast Lessons
 The home is the ideal place for
the child to learn to get along
with others as well as well as
acquire various skills such as
social skills and etiquette, work
skills, mannerism, good
attitudes, and much, much more.
 Great parents model being
Christians. They in turn present
to children the knowledge and
practical opportunities to develop
their own lives.

Responsible Parenting SPEAKS to the Child
A responsible parent SPEAKS to the child as follows:
1. Sets clear limits for the child including and regulations
as well as boundaries.
2. Pays close attention to the child’s feelings.
3. Ensures consistency and understanding in all actions.
4. Asks the child to explain their feelings, thoughts and
actions and listens carefully.
5. Knows limits: is reasonable, not be too strict nor too
permissive.
6. Spells out acceptable behaviour and norms to the child.
That is, parent instructs and trains the child.

- Teach your child and children to be part of Christianity,
including Christian living and worship.
- Parents should be part of, and members of a good, Christian
believing, worshiping church.
- Spend devotional time with the child and/or children. This
includes praying with them, reading the Bible or Bible Stories
with them and other activities such as Family Sunday,
Christian movies and such. This strengthens family ties.
- Let your home and environment be filled with Christianity.
This includes a Bible, Christian friends, Christian words,
Christian music, Christian video and movies, Bible, books
and other related activities.
- Sing to the Lord with your child. In addition, teach them
worship songs and stories.
Modern Christian Living and Child
Upbringing: Modelling and Shaping

A great parent is committed to continually
exposing the child to the presence of the
Lord. This is done in a variety of ways,
including:
 Christian Parenting, Teaching and
Instruction.
 Bible readings.
 Church services.
 Continuous prayers as follows:
Prayers at meals.
Prayers at bedtimes.
Prayers for various needs.
 Relating God to our lives, everyday
needs and activities.

Family Values
A family will have a set of values. Parents are the chief sources of
information that include societal values and beliefs and a code of conduct.
These values are aimed at character formation. Family values are based on
the wider society and include the following:
(1) Honesty. This is being truthful. It is the ability to be sincere and stand by the
truth.
(2) Self-discipline. This is personal effort in self-control and self-will. It includes
personal management and conduct.
(3) Fairness. A person must be fair and just to all. This includes aspects of equity
and justice.
(4) Hard work and determination. It is important to be focussed, make effort,
work hard and with consistency.
(5) Courage, confidence and competence. A person must be encouraged to have
confidence in self and proficiency of skills.
(6) Citizenship. A person must follow the laws of the community and nation.
(7) Responsibility. A person must be accountable for what he/she does and says.
(8) Respect. Respect is about thinking highly of self as well as others.
(9) Morality. Morals guide on what is right and wrong.
(10) Integrity. A person must act on conscientious values at all times.

A parent has significant influence on the child. There are
other influences such as media, peers, church, school,
neighbours and the general community. In the same way,
you cannot allow others impact a negative influence on your
child. This is because harmful and undesirable influence has
adverse effects, that is, it steadily erodes the values and
norms that you have built into your child. Therefore, it is not
wise, or even possible, to isolate yourself or your child totally
from the outside world. However, you must faithfully fulfil
your responsibility as a parent to ground the child in virtuous
ways. This includes religious teaching and formation. The
child will increasingly be ready to face the diversity of
opinions, cultures and make a positive decision.
Modern Christian Living and Child
Upbringing: Modelling and Shaping

Positive Parenting – Growth and
Development

The following are suggested to guide the parent in responsible
parenting and to transform the child into ADULTHOOD. This
is in order to obtain the best from the child:
 Assign the child clear duties and responsibilities.
 Do not scold but nurture the child.
 Understand children and their needs.
 Learn from them; their character and actions are often a
reflection of us.
 Teach the child new things, habits and attitudes.
 Hold the child to comfort him/her, and to walk along with you.
 Offer training and clear instruction to the child to develop
orderliness and neatness. The child becomes organised with
eating and dressing, room, books, and school.
 Offer support when the child needs it, especially in crisis.
Dedicate time, love and finances for your child.
ADULTHOOD

TEACH your Child Etiquette
The following are aspects of instilling good manners to TEACH the child:
- Teach the child so that he/she can learn basic words such as to
call you, ‘mum’ and ‘dad’. This should be done politely, not
yelling, screaming or shouting.
- Enhance the vocabulary of your child to say simple polite words
like ‘hi’, ‘hallo’, ’ok’, ‘thank you’, ‘can I’, ‘sorry’.
- Activate your child. For instance, let him/her learn to wait and
hence embrace patience when necessary such as waiting on food
to be cooked, warming tea or milk, or observing vehicles to cross
road. Enhance aspects such as respect and rights of others.
- Challenge unbecoming behaviour. For example, ‘I did say you wait
for a while’, let the child sit down and/or wait.
- Humble yourself to demonstrate respect and politeness. Do not
shout back. Otherwise, the child can be fearful of you, or worse
learn to shout more loudly!
Etiquette

Instilling ETIQUETTE in the Child
Educate your child on good manners.
Tell your child why he/she should have good manners and
how to behave.
Inform him or her gradually on rules of good conduct.
Question the child when he/she does not behave, act, or talk
well.
Understand your child’s feelings, especially when he/she is
unhappy or upset.
Equip your child with polite words, such as ‘please’, ‘may I’ or
‘can I’, ‘thank you’, and other ways of showing good behaviour.
Teach your child how to behave in various situations; at home,
at the table, church and social places.
Talk about other people and situations, especially those that
they admire, and use the opportunity to instil good manners.
Explain and demonstrate by example. You must model for your
child politeness, humility, respect and self control.

Childhood Chores, Duties and Responsibilities
Parents want to bring up responsible children. Child performance of
chores helps in the management of various duties in the household
and later in life. There will be minor, temporary disarrays and this is
unavoidable. For example the child may spill water, break a few items
or their bed may not be as smooth. The parents should assist with
care and not quarrel so that the child can gain confidence in his/her
own abilities and with time perfect the art. The idea is for the family to
work together to keep the home reasonably neat and tidy. This
enhances a sense of belonging. This requires the child to perform
simple to more complex activities such as follows:
 Tidying up toys
 Keeping the toys in an orderly way
 Putting things away after using them
 Placing dirty clothes in a basket
 Tidying up the bed
 Making the room
 Tidying up the compound

You and Your Child Or Children
Over time, it is important for us as parents to learn to live with
our child/ren, respect them and give them the best:
1. Pray for your child and with your child.
2. Play with the child.
3. Tell stories to your child.
4. Learn to love all children equally.
5. Take the child to places of worship from an early age.
6. Formulate goals for the child at home.
7. Let the child take part in family issues.
8. As a parent, take part in activities that involve your child.
9. Learn to discipline your child and not to punish.
10. Take time with the child.
11. Learn to appreciate the child.
12. Apply basic etiquette and communication.
13. Provide for the child.
14. Pray for your family and mention the child/ren by name.

Children’s Mental Health and Improved Mental
Health
- Psychiatric symptoms are natural experiences emerging in the
realm of ordinary daily life as people interact with the environment.
In the mental health field, there is a growing awareness that the
study of psychiatric symptoms should be extended to the context
of every day. This is to provide information on contextual factors
and conventional approaches in order to identify effective
intervention strategies towards improved health. This includes
children’s health, particularly their mental health.
- A child's health and well-being includes emotional stability and
mental health. A child’s mental health implies that the child feels
secure, relates well with others and fosters their growth at home
and at school. This is achieved by helping to build a child’s
confidence and competence.
- Parents, teachers and other adults play a critical role in ensuring
the overall growth and development of the child as well as their
well-being.

The following 10 Tips are suggested to enhance the child’s mental health:
1) Ensure the child is safe, secure and in good health.
2) Always be there for the child, physically present and emotionally
supportive.
3) Bend or lean over to offer a listening ear. Keenly listen to the child and
particularly their concerns. This includes questions, fears and anxieties.
4) Allow the child adequate breaks at home, school, between meals and when
feeding. For example, do not confine him/her to any one single activity for
too long no matter how meaningful you consider it as an adult.
5) Ensure the child is always supervised by responsible adults in order to feel
safe and secure.
6) Model politeness and forgiveness. This shapes the child and enables
him/her to effectively regulate his/her emotions.
7) Allow the child active play that includes politeness and turn taking. Also,
allow him or her to express their feelings in appropriate ways.
8) Respond calmly and encourage the child when his/her emotions are
involved.
9) Reassure the child of his/her safety and security especially when
threatened.
10) Take time with the child to reassure him/her of your support, care and
concerns.

Children’s Mental Health and Improved Mental Health
The emotional and physical health well-being of a child is very important.
Ensure the child is healthy and free from illnesses. Parents should have a
warm, open relationship with the child so that they will be able to tell you if they
are troubled. Parents and teachers should listen to children and take their
feelings seriously. If a child is experiencing a mental health problem, seek help
from a qualified doctor or mental health professional.
The following are highly discouraged, with suggested appropriate conduct:
1. Do not quarrel or shout at the child. > Instead, guide him/her in an appropriate
way, including explaining or demonstrating desired behaviour.
2. Do not ignore the child. > Pay careful attention including listening to him or her.
3. Do not belittle the child. > Point out any mistakes, state your expectations and
guide the child towards desirable behaviour.
4. Do not keep the child in (solitary) confinement for unnecessary too long. > You
can remove the child from an activity such as playing if he/she misbehaves, but
do not torture him/her.
5. Do not deny the child’s basic needs such as food and sleep as a punishment >
Instead, provide direction on desired conduct.
6. Avoid insulting words and asking hurtful questions. > When and if you are
upset, calm down or take a quick break in order to control your anger.
7. Avoid lecturing the child, moralizing their issues or offering unnecessary
advice. > In its place, teach, model and shape the child.

We must raise children who can act responsibly in
private and in public at an early age, with a minimum
of supervision. There is a difference between a well
behaved child who is quiet, polite, and well-mannered
and a child who keeps hovering around nervously.
The well-mannered child is composed and organised
while the tensed and anxious child is impatient. The
key word is training a child to be disciplined.

Discipline
and
Integrity
3

Christian Parenting: Disciplining
your Child and Children
- Loving your child and disciplining him/her are highly related;
they are intertwined. If you sincerely love your child, you
cannot neglect him/her. Therefore, you must discipline them
diligently, consistently, and early in life.
- Discipline is way of conduct. Start early with the child by
shaping and modelling them. Continue to embrace a
Christian life. Prepare them in obedience, for instance
through proper rules and regulations, including ways of
doings things to ensure their own safety and security, setting
boundaries, values and norms and the Christian philosophy.
- Love and discipline go hand-in-hand. This is why child
training is threefold: love and care, Instruction (teaching and
training), all of which lead to discipline. All three are needed,
in a good balance.

Child Discipline: The Christian Way
- There is no fast-tracking instructing children in order to elicit
proper discipline or make them into Christians. Parental
teaching and instruction is an arduous journey that begins at
birth and continues for many years. It involves love, teaching
and instruction and of course praying vehemently for the
family and the child/ren.
- Parenting is rewarding as many children pick up appropriate
habits and suitable ways of conduct. And there are many
countless times when the child makes careless decisions
and even chooses to reject proper instruction. These are the
times when discipline is most necessary.
- Christian parenting begins with obedience. Even God
requires that we adhere to Christian principles:
“Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases
the Lord.” (Colossians 3:20)

Child Discipline: The Christian Way
- A child must receive Christian instructions and guidelines.
- If a child does not obey the parents, including proper rules
of conduct, they must receive correction.
- Often, parents become weary disciplining young children.
This should not be the case – parents must insist on
appropriate conduct including teaching and instructing the
child on ways of conduct. At times, a typical day seems to
consist of sheer nagging and scolding. But a parent must
not ruin every chance for a loving relationship with their
children. Instead, you must elicit proper conduct.
- God entrusts your child to your specific care. Parents must
be kind and loving, and firm but not as rigid.
- In that case, train your child to follow proper instructions
and guidelines.

Child Discipline

Personality and Character Training
- Learn to differentiate between people (your child) and
behaviour (human actions and ways of conduct). That way, you
will quickly learn that you have a child and/or children, and
various ways that you want the child/ren to conduct themselves.
- Subsequently, love and care for your child/ren. Additionally,
address conduct and attitudes that are inappropriate, and
instruct the child accordingly. You will soon notice that you will
be able to carefully guide your child/ren, identify any conduct
that is inappropriate and model character.
- There are no specific times, days or occasions set aside for
character teaching and training. Instead, personality and
character training and instruction are life-long. However, it
works out just fine to seize upon various occasions and
moments and to use them as ‘learning moments’. Occasions,
events and celebrations are therefore sizable opportunities in
the midst of our everyday lives.

Appropriate Values, Principles and Discipline
A parent must impart appropriate values and principles. This includes
training and role modelling with love and example. This does not
mean that the parent lives the child’s life; rather, allow the child to be
innovative, though the child may wander off and make a few
mistakes from which they can learn. Conduct several activities as a
family that help instil positive values. Appropriate activities enable
you to monitor and at the same time reward positive behaviour.
These include attending church or religious sessions; mountain/hill
climbing; walk in the park; visiting destitute children; visiting extended
family members; household chores, fishing and farming among
others that helps keep the family positively engaged. Additionally,
children should engage in play. Adolescents should engage in
creative and sporting activities such as basketball, hockey and
athletics amongst others. This ensures that the young persons are
gainfully occupied and the rush of hormones is purposefully driven to
undertake positive activities. This also helps guard against the
whirlwinds of adolescence.

Effective Instructions
It is important that you give clear instructions or make your request well understood. This
is most essential when you are dealing with children, particularly when you want the
instructions to be carried out, and to be adhered to in future.
Use the following procedure:
(1) Call the child by name or other verbal cues to gain attention.
(2) Once the child or children have your attention, establish eye-contact and pause.
(3) Give your instruction in simple words and clearly.
(4) You can confirm by a nod or even ask the child, for instance, ‘Is it clear, Joan?’.
(5) Repeat the instruction, if necessary.
(6) Give the child a chance to do what you instructed or requested.
(7) Thank the child.
- A major part of discipline is through training. Training includes
instructions and guidelines. Instructions spell out expectations as well as
limitations. This is achieved through clear rules and regulations.
- Rules and limits should be made with love. They should be clearly
explained and used only sparingly. They should not be prohibitive but
experiential. This is because rules and regulations should be applicable
and continue naturally in line with life activities.

Practicing what you teach and instruct
 The Bible instructs us on the importance of discipline. Part of
discipline and way of conduct is teaching the child about
what is most important in this life. Additionally, discipline
includes etiquette and guidance in hard situations.
 Parents are human. In that case, we love to talk about what
is right and wrong, appropriate and certainly out of tune with
our expectations. We are quick to judge the actions of others,
particularly the child’s actions.
 In many instances, we do not look at ourselves to see if we
are shaping and modeling what we are teaching and
instructing. We need to pick simple lessons such as follows:
use polite words; avoid cursing; no insults; how to react when
hurt or angry; dealing with anger and other emotions;
forgiveness; and, acts of love and kindness.

Practicing what you teach and instruct
 Children must be trained and taught to be men and women
of God. Yet, children pick up our reactions as the norm and in
turn we tend to be the lessons we struggle with the most in
our children.
 The child is constantly listening to your words, how you write,
shout and yell, drive, cook; the way you eat and drink water:
children are constantly watching us to see and learn how
things are done. How we react in crisis and other challenging
situations becomes their norm until and unless they learn
differently from someone else.
 Remember, you are the first teacher! Therefore, you need to
carefully examine how you do things, speak slowly or fast,
demonstrate love or hate others, how you instruct and the
way you treat others. The child is constantly watching!

Christian Training: Tips for Parents
Read the Bible as well as interesting (Christian and value-
ridden) stories, to your child/ren. This should be age-
appropriate scriptures, magazines or books. Take time and
discuss it with them so that they can take in the teachings.
As the child matures, you need to transit from very basic child
Bible (magazines, newspaper cuttings or books) to editions
appropriate for their age and current understanding. This is why
spiritualism and chaplaincy are important at all levels.
Bible stories and scriptures are not aimed at intimidating the
child/ren about heaven and hell. Instead, ensure that you or the
teacher enjoy this time together.
Family devotions, along with praying with child/ren at all meals,
at bedtime, at start and end of day, before and after a meeting,
bear much fruit in their lives. You will have raised a wonderful
child and they too will be raising their own child/ren in the things
of the Lord including adopting a Christian doctrine.

Genograms and Genealogy:
The Genogram of Jesus
- A genogram is a graphic representation of a family tree; a
pictorial display of a person's family relationships and additional
history. It is a family diagram used to identify repetitive patterns
of behaviour and to recognise hereditary tendencies. The
genogram maps out relationships and traits that may otherwise
be missed on a pedigree chart. It displays detailed data on
relationships between members as well as medical history
among individuals in the family. A genogram goes beyond a
traditional family tree in that it allows the user to critically
analyse physiological (hereditary) patterns as well as certain
psychological factors that punctuate relationships.
- In counselling and therapy, a genogram enables the therapist
and client to identify various patterns of relationship and
functioning in the family and in turn understand their influence
on the client's current status, including the state of mind.

Genograms and Genealogy:
The Genogram of Jesus
- Genograms were first developed and popularised in clinical
settings by Monica McGoldrick and Randy Gerson in 1985.
- Genograms are now more popular and used by various groups
of people in a variety of fields such as counselling and
psychology, medicine, psychiatry, social work, genealogy,
genetic research, and education.
- Genograms contain a wealth of information on a family. These
may include major life events (divorce and separation), chronic
illnesses, education, occupation, social behaviours, nature of
family relationships, emotional relationships, and social
relationships.
- A genogram enables obtaining of additional information on
disorders running in a family such as alcoholism, depression,
diseases, alliances, and living situations.

The curse of Jehoiachin in the
David-Jesus Genogram
Jeremiah 22: 24 – 30 NIV
24 “As surely as I live,” declares the LORD, “even if you, Jehoiachin son
of Jehoiakim king of Judah, were a signet ring on my right hand, I would
still pull you off.
25 I will deliver you into the hands of those who want to kill you, those
you fear—Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon and the Babylonians.
26 I will hurl you and the mother who gave you birth into another
country, where neither of you was born, and there you both will die.
27 You will never come back to the land you long to return to.”
28 Is this man Jehoiachin a despised, broken pot, an object no one
wants? Why will he and his children be hurled out, cast into a land they
do not know?
29 O land, land, land, hear the word of the LORD!
30 This is what the LORD says: “Record this man as if childless, a man
who will not prosper in his lifetime, for none of his offspring will prosper,
none will sit on the throne of David or rule anymore in Judah.”

Positive Parenting = Counselling
Parental counselling involves both care and guidance
to the child demonstrated as follows:
C Comfort and Care to the child.
O Ongoing, that is, life-long.
U Life has Uncertainties.
N Navigation skills.
S Strengthen the child.
E Educate the child.
L Loving is very important.
L Learning is critical.
I Information is essential.
N Nursing feelings and dealing with emotions.
G The presence of God.

Top
Tips

Top tips...
Positive
Christian
Parenting
- Conduct Bible reading and training
from a young age and over the
young years. This way, the child is
able to go through many Bible
scriptures with a responsible adult.
This togetherness builds confidence
in the child and he/she learns to
have faith and trust in God. In future,
the child is transformed into a
responsible and successful adult.

Top tips...
Positive
Christian
Parenting
 Prayer is very powerful and so important.
 We need to pray for ourselves, our
children, each by name, and our families.
 Daily, we need to earnestly seek God.
 Additionally, we need prayer for resisting
bad ideas and thoughts, temptations and
other evils. The same prayer is significant
for our child/ren.
 We must yearn to deepen the child’s
relationships with Christ as well as meet
honest people and make good friendships.
 Remember, your child needs your prayer
whether others are praying for him/her or
not. This is because you are his or her
parent and your prayers are highly
substantial.

Top tips...
Positive
Christian
Parenting
 Bible reading and training should
be conducted over time in order to
allow the lessons to be learnt
carefully and with ease.
 Be more creative in child Bible
training. You can try Bible stories
with pictures and videos. You can
also give little verbal ‘pop quizzes’.
The child needs to enjoy it and you
too as well.
 Keep the stories and scriptures
light-hearted, with the result being
that the child pays close attention.

Top tips...
Positive
Christian
Parenting
Good parents are sincere and they
will have a focus on their own
practices. As you light your candle,
notice that your child is watching
that you are holding a matchstick
and the way you strike. You are the
‘light’ to your child as you train him
or her to be a ‘light’ in this world.

Top tips...
Babies
- Spend as much time with the child so
that you can understand him/her.
- Ensure the safety and security of the
house and home, including putting
aside or removing cherished and
dangerous items.
- Avoid loud sounds, dropping of noisy
objects and shouting at the baby as
this makes the baby either go quiet or
cry as he/she is startled (alarmed) by
the sound.
- Do not overly assist the baby, or ‘baby
proof’ your house or home. Instead,
understand that the house and home
are the child’s training ground.

Top tips...
Toddlers
- Spend time with the child. This is because the
child requires lots of consistent and appropriate
understanding and discipline. This is needed
for them to get well acquainted with the world.
- Introduce the following: (1) self control; and, (2)
effective discipline using simple rules and
instructions. This includes: (1) teaching and
instructing the child: and, (2) outlining
boundaries. At the same time, give the child as
much freedom within those restrictions.
Procedures have two effects: (a) sets out rules
of conduct at an early age; and, (b) teaches the
child independence, but also self-control and
respect for authority. This is the basis to
regulate behaviour at an early age.
- Empathise with your child by:
(1) Assisting when necessary.
(2)Talking to him or her, for example, saying “I
can see you are tired. Keep trying”.
- Avoid shouting, giving orders and ultimatums.

Top tips...
Teenagers
- Spend time with the child.
- Instil discipline by inducting clear
rules and instructions.
- Empathise with your child by:
(1) Assisting when necessary.
(2) Talking to him or her.
- Be willing and give your child
chances to show they can be
trusted and you have confidence in
them.
- Consider ways to negotiate or offer
choices as your child gets older.

Top tips...
Teenagers
- Avoid shouting, yelling, giving
orders and ultimatums.
- Avoid criticism. Instead, explain
your expectations and emphasize
that it is the action and not the
child that you are unhappy with.
- Avoid getting trapped in petty
arguments as there are rarely any
winners.
- Do not give threats.
- Avoid an unforgiving spirit – Do
not say or fail to forgive child.

Top tips...
All Ages
- Spend time with the child.
- Keep guidance simple and consistent.
- If the child is behaving inappropriately,
clearly explain what you want them to
do instead.
- Be available and make time so that
children will come to you when they
feel something is wrong, upset or want
to consult with you.
- Keep talking and listening to your child
even if at times it feels like a challenge.
- Listening from a very early age sets a
pattern for life.

Top tips...
All Ages
- Review family rules as child gets
older.
- Recognise the different needs of the
child/ren.
- Get support from your spouse,
friends, family, teachers and others.
- Try good ideas that are helpful.
- If you are struggling and things are
getting out of hand, get advice (e.g.
from teachers, counsellors,
psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors,
religious leaders or other useful
persons).

Top tips...
All Ages
Parent
Modelling
and
Shaping
Present to the child positive and
encouraging words day after day.
This training and instruction
enables the child understand you.
That way, you shape and
systematically model the child.
Avoid shouting and yelling at the
child (particularly when you are
upset and/or angry). Instead, guide
the child and if possible, provide
guidelines including instructions
on what you want done.

Top tips...
All Ages
Build a positive relationship
with the child.

Top tips...
All Ages
Mentor the child.

Top tips...
All Ages
Remember, you are the adult
and you are in charge. In that
case, you must know and do
what’s best for the child. This
includes setting up certain
routines and assisting the
child to adhere to them.

Take good care of yourself
Top tips...
All Ages

Top tips...
All Ages
A great parent continues with
the trio of: love and care;
training and instruction; and,
enhanced discipline.

Top tips...
All Ages
Seek professional assistance in
areas and times of difficulty

Top tips...
All Ages
Provide assistance to the child in
areas and times of difficulty

As Christians, our service is to God, our Heavenly
Father. We serve a loving, caring and living God.
Therefore, you must continuously and vehemently
pray for your family and child/ren. Equally, it is
highly essential that you pray for your child/ren,
even long after they have become adults. God is
faithful and sincerely answers our prayers.
[Our prayer to God is: Lord, show me your ways
including how to be a parent to each child the
way that you intended them to be.]

Positive Christian Parenting
The flavour of the book on Parenting is the way it captures the nature
of upbringing a child and parenting in a positive, encouraging way.
Some aspects might be rather too obvious to escape the immediate
attention of the parent, while others would appear a bit too
complicated though not far-fetched or unrealistic. The book and this
PowerPoint presentation are by no means exhaustive, and parenting
is much more. Parenting is training, intuition, experience,
consultation, modelling, coaching and much more, all in one as well
as action in form of intervention. There will be expectations as well as
interactional difficulties. Life too certainly has its own pleasant
surprises, whether these are positive or negative, painful or
wonderful moments. Parents must always seek additional
information, knowledge and skills. We must also seek wisdom in our
religious philosophy. There are certainly several mesmerising verses
in the Bible and when you think you have found them all, you
discover new meaning or another. In the end, life is wonderful with
God, as we diligently serve Him, particularly as parents.

Selected References
American Counselling Association (2014). ACA Code of Ethics. American Counselling
Association.
American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental
Disorders DSM - 5. Washington, D C: American Psychiatric Association.
Barker, P. (2007). Basic Family Therapy. Wiley-Blackwell.
Becvar, D. S.. & Becvar, R. J. (2008). Family Therapy: A Systematic Integration. Boston:
Allyn & Bacon.
Carr, A. (2006). Family Therapy. Chichester: Wiley.
Collins, G. R. (2007). Christian Counselling: A Comprehensive Guide. London:
Melbourne, Word Publishers.
Conte, C. (2009). Advanced Techniques for Counselling and Psychotherapy. New York:
Publishing Company, LLC.
Corey, M. S., & Corey, G. (2003). Becoming a Helper. Brooks / Cole Publishing Co.
Cottone, R. R., & Tarvydas, V. (2016). Ethics and Decision Making in Counselling and
Psychotherapy. New York: Springer Publishing Company.

Selected References
Denborough, D. (2001). Family Therapy: Exploring the Field’s Past, Present and
Possible Futures. Adelaide, South Australia: Dulwich Centre Publications.
Egan, E. (2002). The Skilled Helper: A Problem - Management and Opportunity –
Development Approach to Helping. Chicago: Brook / Cole.
Feltham, C. (2013). Counselling and Counselling Psychology: A Critical Examination.
Monmouth, PCCS Books.
Feltham, C.. & Horton, I. (Ed.). (2010). The Sage Handbook of Counselling and
Psychotherapy. London: Sage Publications.
Goldenberg, I., & Goldenberg, H. (2008). Family Therapy: An Overview. Belmont, CA:
Thomson Brooks/Cole.
Gupta, R. M., & Theus, F. C. (2006). Pointers for Parenting for Mental Health Service
Professionals. John Wiley & Sons, Ltd.
Gurman, A. S. (2008). Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy. New York: Guilford Press.
Hecker, L. L., & Wetchler, J. L. (Eds.) (2003). An introduction to Marriage and Family
Therapy. New York: Haworth Clinical Practice Press.

Selected References
Hudson, R. H. (1996). Marital Counselling; Successful Counselling Sessions.
Philadelphia: Fortress Press.
McGoldrick, M., Gerson, R., & Petry, S. S. (2008) (6th Ed.). Genograms: Assessment
and intervention. New York: W.W. Norton & Co.
Michael, P. N., & Schwartz, R. C. (1991). Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods. Allyn
and Bacon.
Nichols, M. P., & Schwartz, R. C. (2006). Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods.
Boston: Pearson / Allyn & Bacon.
Seligman, I. (2001). Systems Strategies and Skills of Counselling Psychotherapy. Merrill
Prentice, Hall, New Jersey.
Sholevar, G. P., & Schwoeri, L. D. (2003). Textbook of Family and Couples Therapy:
Clincal Applications. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing Inc.
Stahmann, R. F., & Hiebert, W. J. (1987). Premarital Counselling: The Professional’s
Handbook. D.C. Heath and Company.
Wango, G. M. (2015). Counselling Psychology in Kenya: A Contemporary Review of the
Developing World. Nairobi: Kenya Literature Bureau.

Selected References
Wango, G. M. (2019). ’Parenting and Family Ties: Counselling in the Home.’
[PowerPoint Presentation]. Nairobi: University of Nairobi.
Wango, G. M., & Mungai, E. K. (2007). Counselling in the School: A Handbook for
Teachers. Nairobi: Phoenix Publishers.
Wango, G. M., & Gatere, A. W. (2016). Study Skills for Secondary School Learners.
Nairobi: The Jomo Kenyatta Foundation.
Wango, G. M., & Gatere, A. W. (2019). Parenting: Counselling in the Home. Nairobi: The
Jomo Kenyatta Foundation.
Woolfe, R., Strawbridge, S., Douglas, B., & Dryden, W. (Eds.). (2010). Handbook of
Counselling Psychology. Sage Publications Ltd.
Worthington, E. L. (1988). Marriage Counselling: A Christian Approach to Counselling
Couples. Illinois: Intervarsity Press Downers Grove.
Young, M. E. (2001). Learning the Art of Helping: Building Blocks and Techniques. Merrill
Prentice, Hall, New Jersey.
Zagelbaum, A., & Carlson, J. (Eds.) (2010). Working with Immigrant Families: A
Practical Guide for Counsellors. Routledge.

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