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Summary of the book. What got you here wont get you therepptx
- 2. 1. Winning too much: The need to win at all costs and in all situations – when it matters, when it doesn’t, and when it’s totally beside the point. 2. Adding too much value: The overwhelming desire to add our two cents to every discussion. 3. Passing judgement: The need to rate others and impose our standards on them. 4. Making destructive comments: Making destruction The needless sarcasms and cutting remarks that we think make us sound sharp and witty. 5. Starting with “No”, “But”, or “However”: The overuse of these negative qualifiers which secretly say to everyone, “I’m right. You’re wrong.” 6. Telling the world how smart they are: The need to show people we’re smarter than they think we are. 7. Speaking when angry: Using emotional votality as a management tool. 8. Negativity, or “Let me explain why that won’t work: The need to share our negative thoughts even when we weren’t asked. 9. Witholding info: The refusal to share information in order to maintain an advantage over others.
- 3. 11.Claiming credit that we don’t deserve: The most annoying way to overestimate our contribution to any success. 12.Making excuses: The need to reposition our annoying behaviour as a permanent fixture so people excuse us for it. 13.Clinging to the past: To deflect blame away from ourselves and onto events and people from our past; a subset of blaming everyone else. 14.Playing favourites: Failing to see that we are treating someone unfairly. 15.Refusing to express regret: The inability to take responsibility for our actions, admit we’re wrong, or recognize how our actions affect others. 16.Not listening: The most passive-aggressive form of disrespect for colleagues. 17.Failing to express gratitude: The most basic form of bad manners. 18.Punishing the messenger: The misguided need to attack the innocent who are usually only trying to help us. 19.Passing the buck: The need to blame everyone but ourselves. 20.An excessive need to be “me”: Exalting our faults as virtues simply because
- 4. Goal obsession is not a flaw – not transactional – not something you do to another person. • But it is often the root cause of the annoying behaviour – it turns us into someone we shouldn’t be. • It’s the force that motivates us to finish the job in the face of any obstacle – and finish it perfectly. In it’s broadest form, a goal obsession is the force at play when we get so wrapped up in achieving our goal that we do it at the expense of a larger mission. • It comes from misunderstanding what we want in our lives. • It comes from misunderstanding what others want us to do. .... The 21st habit: Goal obsession As a result, in our dogged pursuit of our goals we forget our manners. We’re nice to people of they can help us hit our goal. We push them away if they’re not useful to us.
- 5. We think we’d be truly happy (or at least happier) if only we made more money, or lost 10kg, or got the corner office. So, we pursue those goals relentlessly. What we don’t appreciate until much later is that ... • in obsessing about making more money, we might be neglecting our loved ones i.e. our family – for whom we presumably securing that money • in obsessing about our weight with extreme diets, we might actually end up doing more harm than good to our bodies • in pursuing the corner office, we might trample upon the colleagues at work whose support and loyalty we will need later on to stay in that corner office or move even higher It comes from misunderstanding what we want in our lives. We start out with a road map heading in one direction but end up in the wrong town.
- 6. The boss says we have to show 10% revenue growth for the year. So, when it appears we will miss that target, goal obsession forces us to adopt questionable, less than honest methods of hitting the target. In other words, the honourable pursuit of a difficult goal set by someone else transforms us into cheaters. If you examine it more closely, we’re not really obsessed with hitting the 10% growth; our true goal is pleasing our boss. The only problem is that we either don’t see this or we refuse to admit it to ourselves. It comes from misunderstanding what others want us to do. Is it any wonder our values get mixed up? Goal obsession has warped our sense of what is right or wrong.
- 7. 3 • How we can change for the better 1. Feedback 2. Apologising 3. Advertising 4. Listening 5. Thanking 6. Following up 7. Practicing feedforward “In which we learn a seven-step method for changing our interpersonal relationships and making these changes
- 8. If you step back and look at most of those interpersonal flaws (20 annoying habits), they revolve two familiar factors: information and emotion. • Almost half rooted in information compulsion: – when we add value, or pass judgment, or make destructive comments, or announce that we “already knew that,” or explain “why that won’t work” – we are compulsively sharing information. – likewise, when we fail to give recognition, or claim credit we don’t deserve, or refuse to apologise, or don’t express our gratitude – we are withholding information. • Some rooted in emotion compulsion: – when we get angry, or play favourites, or punish the messenger – we are succumbing to emotion – and displaying it for all the world to see. Information and emotion. We either share them or withhold them. We have to ask: “Is this appropriate?” and “How much should I convey?” Take a breath...
- 9. • Feedback tells us where we are, where we need to go and to measure our progress. Without it, we wouldn’t have results, we couldn’t keep score, we wouldn’t know if we were getting better or worse. • We need honest, helpful feedback. 1. Feedback • Apologising is the magic move – a seemingly simple tactic – but like admitting you were wrong – it’s tough for some people to do but brilliant for those who can. • How to apologise? Here’s the instruction manual: ─ You say “I’m sorry.” ─ You add “I’ll try to do better in the future.” ─ And then you say nothing. (Don’t explain it. Don’t complicate it. Don’t qualify it. You only risk saying something that will dilute it.) 2. Apologising
- 10. • After you apologise, you must advertise – declare exactly in what area you plan to change. • In other words, now that you’ve said you’re sorry, what are you going to do about it? 3. Advertising • 80% of our success in learning from other people is based upon how well we listen – success or failure is determined before we do anything. • Good listeners do: ─ Think before you speak ─ Listen with respect ─ Ask yourself, “Is it worth it?” 4. Listening
- 11. • Why thanking works? Because it expresses one of our most basic emotions: gratitude. 5. Thanking • You do not get better without follow-up. Always ask: “How am I doing?” 6. Following up • Pick the one behaviour that you would like to change. • Describe this objective in a one-to-one dialogue with anyone you know. • Ask that person for 2 suggestions for the future that might help you achieve a positive change in your selected behaviour. • Listen attentively to the suggestions. You are not allowed to judge, 7. Practicing feedforward
- 12. 4 • Pulling Out the Stops “In which leaders learn how to apply the rules of change and what to stop doing now” 1. Changing: The rules 2. What to stop doing
Editor's Notes
- #2: Winning too much Adding too much value Passing judgment Making destructive comments Starting with “No”, “But” or “However” Telling the world how smart we are Speaking when angry Negativity, or “Let me explain why that won’t work” Withholding information Failing to give proper recognition Claiming credit that we don’t deserve Making excuses Clinging to the past Playing favourites Refusing to express regret Not listening Failing to express gratitude Punishing the messenger Passing the buck An excessive need to be “me” Goal obsession
- #3: Winning too much Adding too much value Passing judgment Making destructive comments Starting with “No”, “But” or “However” Telling the world how smart we are Speaking when angry Negativity, or “Let me explain why that won’t work” Withholding information Failing to give proper recognition Claiming credit that we don’t deserve Making excuses Clinging to the past Playing favourites Refusing to express regret Not listening Failing to express gratitude Punishing the messenger Passing the buck An excessive need to be “me” Goal obsession