Step 1: Be Friendly!

The first key to feeling relaxed and getting over your

fear is to have a good time and be friendly. Smile and
enjoy the experience of meeting someone new. If you
can relax and enjoy getting to know someone, then that
will be felt by the other person and it will put them at
ease.

Talking with someone who is super serious and has a

grave expression is rarely enjoyable, so why put
someone else through that? Relax your face and turn
that frown upside down!

Talk to people as you would talk to a friend, and they

may just become one.

Step 2: Take the Pressure Off

A lot of fear around starting conversations comes from
putting pressure on yourself to have a certain result
from the conversation.

So, stop having specific expectations about what will

happen! Whatever happens happens. Don’t expect
anything from yourself or the other person other than
getting to know them a little better.

Also, don’t force a topic or be aggressive in what you’re

trying to say. That type of energy is a turn-off to
someone you’ve just met. Let the conversation flow
naturally.

Finally, realize that you don’t need to become BFFs

(“Best Friends Forever”) with your conversation partner.
There are millions of native speakers out there, so
becoming friends with this one person won’t determine
your success as an English speaker. If the conversation
doesn’t go well, that’s okay. The next opportunity is
just around the corner.

Step 3: Remember, the World Doesn’t

Revolve Around You
Don’t make the conversation only about yourself. Try to
ask questions about the other person’s life. Only
interject things about yourself when they are actually
relevant to the topic.

What if they ask you a question about yourself? Answer

it. But then ask them the same question. Often people
ask questions they secretly want to be asked
themselves, so turn the question around and see what
your conversation partner has to say.

The most important thing is to not be forceful or seem

desperate. Bring things up naturally and casually.
People should never feel pressured to talk with you, so
help them feel comfortable.

Step 4: Be Honest
When asking questions or talking about something,
don’t make something up just because you memorized a
particular phrase.

For example, don’t say “I love cats too!” if you actually

hate cats. Or avoid saying “My uncle works in a factory”
when you don’t even have an uncle, let alone one that
works in a factory.

Make sure you say things that are true, even if it means
searching for the words you need. Otherwise you could
end up in a really awkward situation.

Step 5: Avoid Closed-Loop Questions

 Questions that can only be answered with “yes” or “no”
are what I call closed-loop questions, because they
close down conversation. Open loop questions work
much better when your aim is to keep a conversation
going.

Let’s look at the difference between these through a

couple of examples. Instead of asking the closed
question “Do you like apple juice?”, ask the open
question “What is your favourite type of juice?”

Or, instead of asking “Do you like spaghetti?” you can

ask “How often do you eat Italian food?”

Open-loop questions invite further discussion, whereas

a “yes” or “no” question usually just invites an end to
the conversation.

Now that you have the right mindset, let’s get into what
you can say to start up and maintain some great
conversations.

Phase 1: Starting the Conversation

The best way to start up a conversation with someone
you don’t know is to ask a question that's not too
personal. Here are some examples of polite questions
you can ask to get things going:

 “Excuse me, do you have the time?” or “Do you

know what time it is?”
 “Hi. Is this seat taken?” if the answer is “no”, then
you can follow up with “Do you mind if I sit here?”
 “Pardon me. Do you know what time this place
closes?” (assuming you are in a place of business,
 where “place” can be replaced with “restaurant” or
“cafe” or “store”).
Even better, start a conversation by noticing something
about the other person and commenting on it in a nice
way. Here are some examples:

Note: whatever you see in [brackets] can be

substituted for something specific to your conversation.

 “That is a really nice [hat]. Can I ask where you

got it?”
 “I really like your [shoes]. Did you get them near
here?”
 “That’s a cool looking [phone]. Is it easy to use?”
Phase 2: Elaborating on a Topic
Now that you’ve started talking, you will need to
elaborate on the established topic and continue talking.

If they answered your question, you can ask one or two

follow up questions to get more details, such as:

 “Is that store near here?”

 “Was it good value?” (Try to avoid asking for
specific monetary amounts of items like “How much did
it cost?” as that can be considered rude)
 “Do they have other colours available?”
Next, provide some context to why you asked them the
question in the first place. Here are some examples:

 “The reason I asked is because I’ve been thinking

about replacing my phone.”
 “I’ve been looking for a hat like that to give to my
friend.”
 “Yeah, the shoes I have are getting worn out. It’s
time to get a new pair.”
And, as always, if someone is being helpful, don’t forget
to thank them!
 “Thanks for the suggestion.”
 “I appreciate the information.”
 “Thank you. That was really helpful.”
Phase 3: Extending the Conversation with
More Questions
You can usually tell when a person is losing interest in
a conversation. If you reach that point, then excuse
yourself and be on your way.

However, if you feel like the person may be receptive to

a longer conversation, then why not talk a bit more and
get to know them better? Here are some more general
questions you can ask to keep the conversation going.

 “Are you from this area?”

 “So, what do you do for a living?”
 “What brings you here today?”
 “Do you come here a lot?”
Each of these questions can be used to extend the
conversation and learn more about the other person.
The idea here is to find common points of interest.
When they mention something that relates to you and
your life, this gives you an opportunity to explore that
topic more fully.

Phase 4: Exploring a Topic Further

When your conversation arrives at a topic that you’re
comfortable speaking about in English, then this is your
chance to discuss it in more depth.

As an example, let’s say that you discovered your

conversation partner has a cat. You have a cat too.
Time to show some photos of your cat on your
smartphone!

Or, if the person mentions they are a vegetarian and

you happen to be vegetarian, now you have something
 in common. Why not ask about their favourite
vegetarian recipes?

Here are some sentences and phrases that may come

in handy to dive in deeper with a topic:

 “Really? I’m a [vegetarian] too! What made you

decide to [stop eating meat]?”
 “I love [cats]! In fact I [have two]. What type of
[cats] do you have?”
 “[Football] is my favourite sport! What team do you
support?”
 “You’re kidding! I [drive a motorcycle] as well.
What type of [bike] do you have?”
The idea here is to let them know you share a common
interest, then ask them to share more details.

Remember to talk about the other person more than

yourself. For example, instead of going off on a long
tangent about your favourite recipes, ask them for
theirs. It shows that you are truly interested in getting
to know them and they will be more open to continuing
the conversation.

Phase 5: Asking for Opinions

Everyone has an opinion on something, and many
people like to share them with others. Here are some
questions you can ask to get the other person’s view on
a situation or topic:

 “I don’t know. What do you think?”

 “Has that been your experience too?”
 “Has that ever happened to you?”
 “Why do you think that is (the case)?”
 “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
Once people start sharing their opinions, you open up
the door for a whole new area of conversation. Just be
 careful not to probe too far into sensitive topics such
as politics or religion.

Phase 6: Changing the Topic

Sometimes a conversation can start to fade and you
find things are winding down. If you sense your
conversation partner is losing interest in talking about
your impressive collection of snowglobes, it’s probably
time to change the topic!

Here are some ways you can switch to other topics:

 “That reminds me …”
 “Oh hey. Did you hear that …”
 “Speaking of [horses], I found out that …”
Or, if you want to make a more abrupt change, you can
just say it directly with:

 “Okay, I’m totally changing the topic now, but I

was wondering …”
 “Not to go off topic, but I recently heard that …”
Phase 7: Inviting Your Conversation
Partner to Talk Longer
After about 10 or 15 minutes, it’s worth checking that
your conversation partner wants to continue talking.
Get confirmation that they want to be in the
conversation so you can be sure they aren’t just being
polite.

Here are some questions you can ask to see if it’s

possible to maintain a longer talk.

 “I’m not keeping you from something, am I?”

 “Sorry for taking up so much of your time. Do you
need to take off?”
 “I just realised you’re probably in the middle of
something. Do you have time to chat?”
 “Let me know if you need to get going. I don’t want
to take up all your time.”
These sorts of expressions show that you are being
considerate of your conversation partner’s needs.

Phase 8: Closing the Conversation

Part of being a good conversationalist is knowing when
to stop talking. When the conversation ends, find a way
for them to get in touch with you in the future. If you
feel like they might want to chat again, you can give
them an opportunity with some of these phrases:

 “Well, if you ever want to chat again, I’m usually

here [every Monday afternoon].”
 “Let me give you my email address. If you’re ever
in the area again it’d be great to meet up.”
 “Feel free to call me if you want to hang out. Here,
I’ll give you my number.”
And remember to make them feel appreciated too!

 “I really enjoyed our chat. Thanks so much.”

 “It was really nice meeting you.”
 “I had a great time talking with you. Hope to see
you again soon.”
Joining and Talking in a Group
Conversation
Not all your conversations are going to be a one-on-one
encounter. Sometimes you will be joining a group where
others are talking.

The most important skill in group situations

is listening. Pay attention to the conversation and
interject only when it is relevant.
 Many of the phrases you’ve learned so far in this article
can work in group situations. You can also add to a
group conversation with other types of phrases, such
as sharing your experiences or thoughts, asking
questions to the group, or making connections between
two people.

Here are some phrases you can use:

Sharing Experiences or Ideas

If you have something to add to the conversation, here

are a few examples of how you can do it:

 “Actually, that happened to me once. It was really

[annoying].”
 “I totally agree. The same thing happened to me
too.”
 “That’s pretty common. I heard that a lot of people
had the same experience.”
You don’t need to share too much, but let the group
know that you have more information to add. If they
want to know more, they can ask for details.

Asking Questions to the Group

If you notice that some people in a group aren’t
participating as much in a conversation you can ask
questions for the whole group. Here are some questions
to stimulate more dialogue:

 “Has anyone ever … ?”

 “How many of you think that …?”
 “Do a lot of you … ?”
 “Which one of you … ?”
 Or, you can direct it to an individual. Just be sure not to
single them out in an uncomfortable way. Here are
some examples:

 “What do you think [Diana]? Has that ever

happened to you?”
 “Hey [Carlos]. Didn’t you also … ?”
Making Connections Between Two People
You may realise that two of the people in the group
have something in common. You can make people feel
included and connected by sharing these observations
with the group. Here are some ways to do it:

 “Actually, [Navvab], didn’t you go there last year

too?”
 “You should ask [Samson] about that. He had the
same thing happen to him.”
 “[Makoto] has the same phone! Where’d you get
yours [Makoto]?”
This can help people feel like a part of the group. Of
course, don’t let out anyone’s secrets!

Closing the Conversation or Leaving the

Group
If you have to get going and want to excuse yourself
from the group, here are some quick and easy ways to
do so:

 “Hey, I better get going. I have a long day

tomorrow.”
 “Hey Guys. Sorry, but I have to run. It was great
chatting with you all.”
 “Oh man, it’s getting late. I better head out.”
 “Alright guys. Time for me to go. Have a good one.”
 Conversation Starters in Context:
On Location
Often what you say directly relates to where you are.

Whether you're in a restaurant, the airport or on the job,

you should have some phrases handy to start up a
conversation that relates to your location.

In a Restaurant or Cafe
Here are phrases and expressions you can use to start
and maintain a conversation in a restaurant or cafe:

 “Do you have a recommendation on any good

dishes?”
 “What would you recommend for someone who
hasn’t eaten here before?”
 “What is the best drink here?”
 “Do you know if the [chow mein] is any good?”
 “Have you ever had the [asparagus]?”
 “If you had to eat just one meal for the rest of your
life, what would it be?”
 “What is your favourite dessert?”
 “What is your favourite spicy dish?” (They don’t
like spicy? Great! Ask them why, and keep the
conversation going.)
Finally, here are some phrases you can use at the end
of your conversation:

 “Enjoy your pasta!”

 “Have a good meal!”
In Someone’s Home
If you’re visiting someone’s home you’re in luck! There
are an endless supply of possible things to talk about.
Just look around the house and you’ll see many things
to bring up and discuss.
 “How long have you lived here?”
 “Where did you get this [bookshelf]?” (or
television, chair, porcelain fountain, etc.)
 “What is your favourite thing about this house?”
 “How many people live here?”
 “How many rooms does this house have?”
 “Is this house close to [your work]?” (or school, or
the park, or the airport, etc.)
 “How far away is the [supermarket]?”
And here are a few home-specific statements that you
can say when leaving someone’s home:

 “Thank you for having me over!”

 “Thanks for inviting me to your home.”
 “I had a wonderful time.”
In the Street
Sometimes you bump into someone when you are out
and about. They might be sitting on a park bench, or
waiting in line at the bus stop. Here are some questions
and statements you can use to start and keep up a
conversation:

 “Do you know where a [bakery] is around here?”

 “What street is this?”
 “Do you know what time [bus 37] comes by?”
 “Where can I buy a [bottle of water]?”
 “What is your favourite thing about [this park]?”
 “How crowded are the buses when they get to this
stop?”
 “Can you recommend a good restaurant around
here?” This can be followed by “What is your favourite
dish there?”
At the Airport
From personal experience I know that airports are often
a place where you have to “hurry up to wait”. You rush
through customs or security only to sit at the gate
waiting for your plane for several hours (or longer if it is
 delayed). This is a great chance to chat to someone in
English. Here are some phrases that can get things
started:

 “Have they announced the boarding time for this

flight?”
 “Is there a place to charge a phone nearby?”
 “So, where are you headed today?”
 “Do you know what time we arrive at the
destination?”
 “Is this your preferred airline?” followed by “why is
that?”
 “Are you flying home or are you flying away from
home?”
 “Where is the favourite place you’ve ever visited?”
 “Have you ever had the chance to fly in first or
business class?” then “what was it like?”
 “Can you recommend any good restaurants or
sights in [Buenos Aires]?”
Because you’re flying somewhere, odds are you will
never see your conversation partner again. That means
you don’t have to worry about making a fool out of
yourself because your connection with them will be
short lived and temporary. Plus, there is a good chance
someone you talk to may have some great suggestions
about places to see or things to do in your destination
city.

On the Job
If you’re working among English speakers, then this is a
perfect chance to strike up a conversation. After all,
you already have something in common! Here are some
phrases you can use to start up a conversation with a
work colleague:

 “How did you come to work here?”

 “What is your favourite place to eat lunch near the
office?”
 “What do you enjoy most about your job?”
 “What is your eventual career plan?”
 “What do you think is the most important thing to
succeed in this company?”
At School
You may be a student and find yourself surrounded by
English speaking students, or perhaps there is an
English speaking student at your school. Why not get to
know them better? Here are some questions you can
use:

 “How long have you been a student here?”

 “What are you studying?”
 “What do you recommend to eat on campus?”
 “Do you know a good, quiet place to study?”
 “What do you plan to do when you finish your
studies?”
As you can see, you really can make friends anywhere,
and you should never be at a loss for a way to start up a
conversation.

Conversation Starters: Events

You’ve been invited to a special event and want to be

able to start up a conversation with the people there.
The wonderful thing about events is that you
automatically have a point of common interest. Just
explore that common thread further to weave a full
tapestry of interesting conversations.

At a Birthday Party
A birthday party is a fun place to get to know someone
and it’s really easy to start speaking with a total
stranger. Here are some phrases to help you get going:
 “How do you know [the birthday person]?”
 “What do you think of the [birthday cake]?”
 “What is the best birthday party you’ve ever been
to?”
 “If you could re-live any year of your life, which one
would it be?”
 “When is your birthday?”
At a Wedding
The joining together of two people in marriage is a
joyous event, and while you’re there throwing confetti
and dancing the Conga, be sure to sit down and have a
chat with someone new! Try out these phrases to help
break the ice:

 “Are you a friend of the bride or the groom?”

 “Whats the best wedding you’ve ever been to?”
 “If you were going to plan the perfect wedding for
your best friend, what would it be like?”
 “Do you like dressing up in formal attire?”
 “Do you know where they are going on their
honeymoon?”
At a Sporting Event
A match or game can be a perfect opportunity to make
some fast friends. Connecting with others who share a
passion for sport seems to automatically create a bond
between people.

Here are some questions you can ask at the next big
game:

 “Who do you think will win?”

 “Have you been following all the matches this
season?”
 “Who is your favourite player?”
 “Do you play the sport yourself?”
 “What do you think the score will be?”
At a Concert or Performance
 Music fans love seeing their favourite performers on
stage. If you have tickets to an event or are just sitting
in a cafe watching someone strum a guitar, be sure to
strike up a conversation with other music enthusiasts
near you.

 “What’s your favourite song of theirs?”

 “Do you play music yourself?” or “Do you play an
instrument?” or “Do you sing?”
 “How often do you go to a show?”
 “What do you like about this performer?”
Be Friendly, Considerate, and Open
Your Mouth!
There you have it. One hundred and twenty five
different ways to strike up a conversation and keep it
going strong.

Sure, it can be intimidating when you consider talking

to a total stranger. Especially when they speak a
different language than you. Getting over your fears is
the first step, not only in language learning, but in being
able to meet fascinating people and make long-lasting
friendships.

Just remember these main points:

 Be friendly! — Even if the other person doesn’t

have time to talk, at least they’ll appreciate your
pleasant demeanour.
 Take the pressure off — When you come in with
expectations you may become easily disappointed. Just
have fun and let whatever happens, happen!
 Talk about them — They don’t want to hear your
life story (At least not yet). Ask them questions that
show you want to get to know them better, and they’ll
probably reciprocate with the same.
 Be honest — No need to make up an impressive
story to get someone’s attention. Just be yourself and
tell the truth.
 Ask open loop questions — A “yes” or “no” can be
a conversational dead end. Ask questions that spur on
further discussion.
We’ve covered a lot of potential situations and
questions or phrases you can use in each one. But
whether you use these approaches or just throw on
some random accessories, the goal is to speak at
every opportunity.